Two Parenting Styles, One Family, and Conflicting Boundaries - Revisit

0:00So it's summer and your kid's out of school and you hear them say, I'm so bored. That's a stressful moment, right? I mean, it is for me. But here's a reframe. Boredom is a doorway to creativity. And Play-Doh can actually help you and your kid walk through it. What I love about Play-Doh is there's no one right way to play. Kids can make up the rules as they go. If you have a kid who loves animals, your kid can make a dog or a dolphin. The kid who plays with their food can make a donut or pizza. Your kid can make anything. And your kid isn't just having fun. They're using their imagination and expressing themselves.

0:42And if it all gets smushed into one big blob, you have a kid who felt free enough to play. And that matters. And here's my favorite thing. You can sit down next to your kid with a can of Play-Doh and no agenda. You can play together, play side by side. There doesn't have to be any teaching or fixing. In fact, I recommend leaving those things out. It's an opportunity to give your kid what they want the most, presence and connection. This summer, give your kid, and honestly yourself, permission to play. Shop Play-Doh at walmart.com slash Play-Doh. Sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn't your kid's behavior.

1:22It's what happens when two loving parents see the same moment completely differently. One parent says, our kid's tired, let it go. And the other is fully triggered by that. Um, no, we're going to hold the boundary. One parent improvises. The other one wants consistency, predictability. And somewhere in the middle is the kid who's trying to figure out what the rules actually are. And the parents are trying to just not have resentment build into an explosion. If you've ever felt like you and your partner are parenting from two different playbooks and it's kind of tearing you apart, this episode is for you.

1:57It's a revisit of one of our most loved episodes from the archive. I talked to a mom named Carmela about parenting with a partner who has a very different style. And we dig into what kids really need when adults in the house aren't on the same page. And we also talk about what's really going on underneath because it's different from what we assume. I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. I'm so glad you're here.

2:31I am so excited to be talking with you today. And so how I would love to begin is just give me a little bit of a sense of what's on your mind. And then I also, I like to hold myself responsible for giving very kind of like actionable, specific help. So let me know what's on your mind and let me know what you would love to end our conversation with today so I make sure this is useful to you? Sure. So my husband and I are really different kinds of parents and we have very different relationships with boundaries. So that has created a dynamic with our children where he's very often like the preferred parent.

3:07I often find like that there tends to be like a lot more tantrums when he's around, like just bigger emotions, like multiple times throughout the day. When I do then try to like hold boundaries, I feel like less effective after he's been around. Sometimes he's traveling for work and I find those times to be easier sometimes. So there's this sort of imbalance that's happening and it's resulting in just, I feel like a lot of emotional legwork for me, which I know is like normal, but how do I navigate co-parenting with somebody who has a much like looser relationship with boundaries than I do? And how do I mitigate like the impact that I feel is having on my relationship with my kids?

4:01Okay. And you said your kid or your kids? I have two boys. ages? Three and almost two. Okay. You are in it. You're in it with those ages. I'm here to tell you it definitely, definitely gets easier. So I just want to mirror some of that back to you. So you are someone, it seems like I am kind of comfortable holding boundaries, or at least I think it's important to hold certain boundaries. If my kid is upset in reaction to those boundaries, more times than not, I'll feel comfortable continuing to hold it, allow my kid to have their feelings moving on from there. I have a husband who has a different relationship with boundaries, doesn't hold boundaries in the same way, maybe in the threat of a protest or the face of a protest would shift.

4:49And so my kids kind of get used to two very different styles. And then it also makes things harder on me because even if I'm relatively consistent, the shift with my husband kind of has more blowback on me when I do want to hold a boundary. Tell me how much of that is accurate or what I missed. Yeah, that all sounds accurate. Okay. And one of the questions on your mind is just like, how do I manage this? How do I mitigate the impact? Because it sounds like right now things feel pretty bad with these different styles and then how it kind of comes back on you. Yeah. And I do feel like it's having a big impact on my relationship with my older son because he's just like, and he has just such a strong preference for his dad, but I am like the primary caretaker.

5:39And so with my husband coming in and out of, you know, the day or of our routine and stuff, it's like, it sends things into like such a chaotic tailspin. One of the most talked about topics when it comes to parenting is this exact issue. What do you do if your partner isn't on the same page as you are about how to interact with your kids? What if they can't tolerate your kids' pushback and hold boundaries in the same way that you're working so hard to do? What if you then feel resentful and frustrated? This episode will help parents with different parenting styles come together and work together to strike the right balance.

6:23We'll be right back.

6:28Recently, I traveled to Texas for work, and it was one of those trips where there was so much going on, which can be really energizing and really exhausting. And that's what's so great about booking stays on Airbnb when you travel. We booked a home in a really beautiful part of Austin that was so peaceful. It had this amazing porch surrounded by trees. And when you're on a busy trip, having a place like that to drink your morning coffee and ground yourself just makes a huge difference. And the other thing that helps me feel grounded when I'm traveling is when someone can help with all the logistics.

7:01When you book a home on Airbnb, you can have groceries delivered upon your arrival, which meant that in Austin, I could focus on being present instead of running to the store. And dinner, there's something really special about sharing a meal around a table, even when you're traveling. And that's especially true when you're traveling with family. Because when you book a home on Airbnb, you get that space, a real kitchen, a dinner table, a backyard where the kids can actually run around. The kind of setup that makes a trip feel less like a disruption to your family's routine and more like an extension of it.

7:34That's why I love booking homes through Airbnb. I can do the things that will help me feel grounded so I can make the most out of my trip. So many of you are annual members and I have something I'm so excited to share with you. The question I get asked more than almost anything else is, Dr. Becky, do you have coaches trained for one-on-one sessions in the Good Inside Method? And for so long, the answer has been, no, not really. You're not people that are taking new clients. But here's something I've been working on. I have trained a group of parent coaches in the Good Inside Method. And these are people who think the way I do, who have the good inside frameworks, who speak this language.

8:12And so if it resonates with you, yes, now we have a group of coaches who can sit with you. So they can talk about the very specific thing you want to talk about with a person who's trained and who you trust. And now, if you're an annual member, you can book a session with one of them. This is honestly a test. If you show up, and I think you will, we're going to roll this out to every member and maybe even beyond that. So if you've ever wished you could talk to an expert trained in good inside, who's also just a parent who gets it, this is exactly that. Head to the app and book your session.

8:51I just want to pause on that because to put in so much work as the kind of primary mental load carrying day-to-day parent, to also, it's work to hold boundaries. that's not usually natural for any of us. And a lot of us do it because we like know it's important and it matters, but it's work. And then it sounds like it's a little bit, maybe this is caricatured, like daddy's home or like something like that. Like fun parent is here. And I don't know why I'm visualizing like the kids running to the door and like, oh, yay. And it can feel, I don't know, it can feel lonely. It can feel sad. It could feel almost like lost in that moment or unappreciated.

9:32is that is that kind of along the lines of how it feels um not not so much because my husband works from home so literally like he's coming in and out of like our day like in yeah in a different so it's not necessarily just at the end of the day and so it's a lot of times like yeah like because my son thinks like I'm gonna throw a tantrum and I get what I want but then like you know my my husband leaves and I'm left with the tantrum um so it has been felt more hurtful in the past like you know why can't I be the one that you know but I don't really like feel that way anymore as as he gets older but yeah I just kind of like want to make my life somewhat easier or, you know, like not have everything feel like even harder.

10:27So let's get into some details. Like, can you share one example that brings a lot of this to life? He kind of comes in, he drops in, then I'm left with maybe the meltdown or the tantrum. Like, just give me an example and we'll use it to jump into some ideas. Okay. Bedtime is a good example. When my husband does bedtime, which like the children insist, because when he does bedtime, it's like hours long versus when I do bedtime. but then the children will want to add things to the routine and like he will allow that to happen so like the latest one is like now they want to sleep with the door open and then i want them to sleep with the door closed so it just then it creates like a huge like meltdown at bedtime because like this is like now something that he has added to the routine that that makes my life more difficult um that's one example like another example is just like at dinner like oh I don't want to sit in my high chair I don't want to sit in my high chair okay you want to sit on my lap and versus my reaction is like okay well I'll wait until you're ready to sit in the high chair and your your foods here waiting for you and let's say there was like I'm making this up like a week where your husband was traveling or something do you feel like a couple days of the boundaries you're setting, like you would get to the point where it's like, okay, now my kids kind of get it.

11:49Like, you know, maybe they had a tantrum or something, but then they like understand this is the rule and then they end up coming. But like kind of because that doesn't happen, it sounds like maybe to have that week, then it's almost like a lot of back and forth of systems and expectations. Yes, exactly. Everything feels like more possible for them when he's around versus like with me, it's just like, this is the way we do stuff and they're used to that. And so when he is traveling, like I'm able to keep that consistency. But then when he's around, there's like all these new things that get thrown into the mix.

12:21Yeah. Okay. So here's my first thought. Okay. And it's almost like thinking about like how exactly can we move forward or intervene here? My first thought, and just tell me how this lands on you because it could be totally off and you know you best, is I'm wondering, is this a boundary issue? or is something not feeling great in the way you and your husband communicate about it and is that really where we should focus or is that like where the issue is I mean that definitely could be part of it because I think we had such different upbringings so I think he doesn't necessarily think that boundaries are as important as I do because he didn't grow up with many boundaries at all.

13:12So I definitely think that it's maybe something hard for him to uphold because he doesn't necessarily understand the value or value it as much as I do. Yeah. What is it like when the two of you try to talk? So I'm just making this up. Hey, let's talk about what happened earlier. He kind of came out and we have this different rule about, you know, where the kids eat and then you maybe go back to your office and I'm kind of left with the situation like what what happens when you guys try to talk about it is that productive is it not so productive um it's it's productive in the moment like i think he his perspective is like well it's just one time versus i see it as like okay yes but then it's creating like this sort of ripple effect in other places so yeah it's usually like him diminishing like the problem it's not a big deal.

14:02Like those, you know, he can sit on my lap one time or whatever. And I'm like, well, you know, and like with the bedtime thing, it's like, well, now they want that every night. Like it was one night and now, you know, sometimes he does recognize like, you're right. Okay. I shouldn't have done that or something, you know, but I think it kind of depends on the boundary. Yeah. Because look, I think there's, there's a couple of things at play here. So number one, Kids definitely have parents often who do things differently, right? There's often a parent who's more on the side of boundaries, one parent who's more on the side of looseness, one parent who it's helpful to remind one parent, hey, there's rules and routines and kind of please be part of them.

14:43And it's also helpful often for another parent to say, hey, sometimes we can let go and, you know, kind of, you know, be looser. There's legitimacy to both, right? And I think kids often grow up with parents who, you know, fall, you know, one of them is one way and the other one's a little bit the other way. Okay. And then there's moments where those systems just clash, right? And what you're saying that really speaks to me is like, I'm kind of often the one left cleaning up kind of the mess of the clashing systems. Yes. And more than different parenting styles, that's pretty awful for you to be like, here's the bedtime routine and here's why we do it.

15:24And you're, oh, okay. And then there's a couple of times that we do a different bed routine. It's not just that I don't love that. Now, I, for three nights, have to deal with a different bedtime routine because my husband kind of did his thing. It's not like he's bearing the brunt of his interventions, right? Same thing with the food, right? And I think in a partnership, when we're co-parenting, that is the part of differences that feels really bad. And I think separating those two things really matters to say, on one side, there's two parents who have different approaches and different styles.

15:59Okay, that's actually fine. It's actually sometimes helpful for kids to see a variety, to be adoptable. Okay, that's one thing. Totally separate from that is, is there one parent who is taking on the brunt of the emotional labor for the parenting differences? And if that's the case, often that parent builds up resentment, that parent feels exhausted. And that's really, in some ways, the inequity. Does that make sense, separating those two to you? Yes, absolutely. And I have conversations with my kids sometimes like, oh, yeah, like, you know, Papa does it this way and Mama does it this way. You know, so we do, like, they totally understand that, like, Papa lets them do certain things, you know, and they get that.

16:44And I totally respect that, that we do have differences and that kids can roll with it. But what you're saying is absolutely true. Like a lot of times I'm left with like a lot more of the emotional like front of it. Yeah. And the reason I think it's so important to separate it, and this is why I'm asking so many questions up front, is because until we kind of really understand what our issue is, we can't really intervene effectively. We can't even have effective conversations, right? And at the surface, it's like, wait, you're not holding any boundaries and I'm holding boundaries. But I'm not even sure if that's the thing as much as, okay, then you just kind of in some ways exit the room and I'm like dealing with the problem that in some ways you created.

17:23And I wouldn't even mind that you created it if you were cleaning up, right? But it would be like if we're always in the kitchen and our partner like comes in and spills milk and then leaves and you're like, wait, I'm cleaning up milk. Like I didn't spill the milk. Maybe one time or two times I do that. But if that's chronic, that doesn't feel good over time. The issue isn't even really the spilling of the milk. And the fact that you never spill milk, the issue is that you're the one cleaning up the milk someone else is spilling, right? Okay. So now that we see it that way, I want to think about the nature of the conversations you have with your partner, because I think this is really where the intervention is.

17:56It sounds like you're already doing something, Carmela, that is so beautiful, and I just want to name it to highlight it, is when kids have parents who have different styles, whether those parents live in the same house, or those parents are separated or divorced, doesn't really matter. It's so helpful for kids to just really have their parents name that difference. Wow, mama does it this way. Papa does it this way. That's really different. Then kids are able to say, oh, yeah, that is what happens for me. Now I kind of understand my different experience. You're already doing that. That is so beautiful.

18:26The conversation I think we often have with our partners in this situation, and you might not be doing this, but if it was me, I'd probably be doing this because it's just easier and it feels feisty, is like, hey, boundaries are important. It's like a teaching conversation. Boundaries are important, and you don't hold boundaries, and I do hold boundaries, and that makes you a good cop, and that makes me a bad cop, and we have to be on the same page. And I think that conversation isn't effective, and again, it doesn't actually speak to the problem. So again, it's not productive either. A very different conversation, I'm just going to model it, Carmela, to you, and then we can talk about it, is, hey, you know, I know we've talked about this before, kind of our different parenting styles, and you know what?

19:05And I think we've kind of talked about a version of it that isn't really the biggest struggle. And that version is we do things differently. You're a looser. You're a little lighter about things. I'm a little more routined, a little more boundaried. The truth is there's pros and cons of both. And the fact that we kind of balance each other out is probably in a lot of ways like a beautiful thing for our kids. Okay, so that's actually not really the issue. The issue more for me that I wanted to share with you, because I know as my partner, you know, we're invested in figuring out how we can both feel good as we parent differently.

19:43And the issue for me is when you intervene with the kids in a way that's a lot less routine and boundary than I would. It's not that difference. It's the fact that after I feel like I kind of collect all of the emotional reaction that our kids have in like trying to switch systems. That's basically like they're constantly switching systems. And I wanted to bring that to you because I want to figure out a way that we can almost take our parenting styles and do it in a more complimentary way. There's such a place for this looseness and the, hey, we don't have to do that tonight. And I think I would be a lot more even excited about that if I didn't feel, for example, like, oh, my next three hours are going to be dealing with the meltdown our son is having as I switch systems and you're kind of back in the office.

20:38And I'm like, hey, you know, why is this all on me? And so I just wanted to talk about that with you. Because again, we're on the same team.

20:58tell me your reaction to that yeah I think that sounds really really good and um and I think I have tried to have some version of that conversation but it's more like I can't deal with this I'm losing it you know like so but yeah I I hear what you're saying and and of course that that makes sense as a reaction, right? And I would give yourself some validation. Like, yeah, I do feel like that is a version of my truth. Like, I can't deal with this, right? And I remember, you know, working with couples in my private practice, one of the things I'd always say to them is, you know, because I remember someone saying, well, I can't say that.

21:35Like, I can't say that to my partner, that I'm losing it, and I can't deal with that. And I say, it's not that you can't say that. I mean, if you want to, you can say that. I'm not going to stop you. But there's many versions of true for how to express what's happening. There's many ways of saying things that are truthful. We don't want to be Pollyanna, but there's many ways of saying things that are truthful and some are effective and some are not. Just that's what it is, right? So sure, we can say to our partners, like, I can't deal with this anymore. I think if we're honest with ourselves in getting our needs met, it's just not that effective.

22:06And slowing down and saying, okay, well, how am I really feeling? And how do I actually need my partner's help? Like, this is my partner. It's not my enemy, even though sometimes it feels like that right here. They're my partner. And sharing how I'm feeling versus sharing what they're doing is a very, very big difference. And I also think, Carmela, it's really important in these conversations to almost validate to our partner that they have value to bring. And I think so many times if we start a conversation that way, someone's a lot more willing to hear our experience, right? Like, okay, it is kind of fun.

22:43And that's when I was like, sit on my lap, or we do things this way, or we can be looser. Like, the kids love that. And I'm very aware. This would be true for me because I have a hard time letting down. And that way, I'd say, that's actually hard for me. Like, I can be kind of rigid sometimes. And so the fact that I have a partner who isn't, like, is actually a good thing. And I appreciate that about you. And that's where there's an and, not a but. and when it ends up happening, literally when you leave the room, is I go back to the system that in general I do think is really good for our kids.

23:15Like those moments that are exceptions are fun and then I do think there's a set of expectations that's helpful. And I'm upholding that, but now dealing with their reactions to inconsistency that you brought. Again, you're not the enemy. Again, we get that some of that is natural, but it's almost like I then am cleaning up And I'm sure you can imagine too, that doesn't feel great. And then I think you can move Carmela into really like kind of absurdly practical kind of conversation. Because I'm sure I'm wondering, okay, what next? Like, so I would take things. There's like food in the high chair.

23:51There's bedtime routine. There's, I don't know, let's take another one. Whatever the other one is, you know. He lets my son sometimes be in his office, which is like, of course, what he wants to do. But then I'm like, and then what happens when he can't be in your office? Right? Right. And so great. So how often he can be in the office. So I have two really, in addition to this kind of conversation starter, I have two other ideas I want to share. So one is let's think about all the different iterations of this. You've already named three. And I think we can say to a partner very like in a lighthearted way.

24:27There's no exact science to this, but can we pick one of these that together we say, we're going to have the switching of systems. And yeah, you know what? I probably am going to take the brunt of like some of that emotional labor when you leave. Okay. And we're also going to pick one where we're going to have a lot of consistency. And let's maybe pick the one that's easiest for you. Right? I would say that to my partner if like, you know, so like, and it's going to take practice. Like it's going to take practice holding a boundary around sitting in the high chair or holding the boundary around the bedtime routine or holding the boundary around the office, but either what would be easiest or what would actually make the biggest impact in your life?

25:02Or I could share which one would just make the biggest impact in my life. But let's pick, like, let's just pick one, right? Because I think it gets so grand. Like, we need you to hold better boundaries. And I know for me, I'd even be like, I don't even know how I can do that. But if someone tells me, can we just pick one area to start? I think most people could commit to that. And then it's a lot more manageable. How do you think he would take to that? Yeah, I think that would be good. that sounds like very like action oriented and we could have a plan. Like when you, you know, go down to the office, this is how we're, you know, he can go down there with you on these days or whatever, like certain circumstances.

25:39And then, yeah. Great. And I would have like a tradesies. Like you're like, I'm bargaining for office. Like Carmela might be like, I really want that. And he's like, all right, well, I want some inconsistency around food. And you're both like, fine. Okay. You know, and like there's, it's like could be playful. Okay. The other thing I want to share with you is one of my favorite couple strategies with parenting that is so, so powerful and has a lot of levity and can really mix up this dynamic, okay? Because one of the things that happens in any binary, and a couple is a binary, anything with two people.