When Your Kid Says “I’m Boredddd!”

0:00I'm bored. Mom, I'm so bored. Dad, there's nothing to do. It's so boring. Okay, you are not alone if this is so triggering, but also relatively. common. And yes, our kids are bored more often than we were as kids because their lives are actually so much more stimulating. So the situation that leads them to feel bored is just so much more common because there's so much stuff, so much dopamine, so many activities all around them. I am so excited to completely reframe the discussion around boredom because by the end of today, you're going to start seeing your kids' boredom complaints as a good thing, as a sign that you're doing this parenting thing exactly right.

0:49I have brought in Lizzie Asa for this conversation. She is an expert on independent play and boredom, and she breaks down these topics in a way that makes so much sense, but also feels totally new and relieving. This is a conversation you're going to use right away in your home. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. Let's just start with maybe what boredom's about. Like, what is really happening in this moment? And when you hear a parent talk about their kid who's bored, like, where does your mind start to go? You know, I have to laugh because my own kids will still say to me, like, Mom, I'm bored.

1:27And every time I'm like, guys, hi. Do you know me? But, you know, I think the best the thing about it is that as a parent, it makes us feel like, am I doing enough? And, you know, my real goal is to really reframe that for parents of this is a good thing. This is a good thing. And when you lean into it, it's not just about independent play. It's about relationship, understanding who your kid is, what lights them up, what are they grappling with. And when we reserve that space for boredom and we as the adult feel anchored and OK with boredom, it lets our kids feel safe in boredom. When kids complain about being bored, most parents have an immediate thought, I'm doing something wrong.

2:15I'm not doing enough. Or are you kind of saying, like, oh, this is my problem to solve. Boredom is a problem to solve versus. Give me the versus. You know, I think in today's culture, we see it as our job to kind of optimize childhood to make sure we are giving our kids the opportunities that maybe we didn't have. Right. We are setting them up for this enrichment, this team sport or whatever to give them that leg up. And for me, I really think about it the opposite way. I really think about leaving space for boredom as that's the thing that is giving my child the opportunity and the leg up. So is what you're saying, OK, my kid says I'm bored.

3:02Maybe parents are thinking it's true when they say that it feels like an alarm bell. And the only reason something's an alarm bell is if it's a problem to solve. But you're almost saying, Lizzie, there's something positive when your kid says I'm bored. Maybe you're doing something very right as a parent. Like, do I pat myself on the back a little? You do. Okay. So walk me through that. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Because to me, it means, okay, like, I see it as my job and for the parents that I work with to schedule in that downtime for play and rest in the same way. And I'm not saying don't sign your kid up for soccer.

3:37Don't sign your kid up for the enrichment that they love. But I am saying reserve that time to be bored, to play, to rest with the same ferocity that you do for the lessons. Yeah. Yeah. And so when I do when your kid does come to with I'm bored to me, that says you, Becky, great job. Yeah. You reserved the time. And I think that matters so much because anyone listening, even that simple reframe makes a big difference. We're always unconsciously looking for signs that we're doing a good job as a parent. Of course. And if you actually think of Onboard as one of those signs, it's harder to be triggered by it.

4:18Even if you don't know what to do next, you stop it from being a problem to solve. Right. Yes. And it is. You know, it is triggering. It is still triggering for me. And I research and study and wrote a book about the benefits of boredom. And still I can get that feeling of should I sign them up for that? All their friends are doing this and I'm not, you know, so I get it. I get it. Or do I need to now be the originator of ideas for my kid? And by the way, it's probably one of the reasons we go to bed so exhausted and resentful of our parenting, because we have almost outsourced our kids' creative abilities to being our responsibility.

4:56Because, OK, I guess I'll I have to I have to give them this activity or I need to come up with the idea constantly on a treadmill. Yep. But, you know, I think when we think back to to, you know, we're about the same age and when we go back and think about our own childhood childhoods, you know, there was time. Right. To just kind of wander to play. Our parents didn't see it as their job to entertain us like they were interested in us. Sure. But but it wasn't all encompassing to them. Yeah. Right. And so we had time and the repetition to learn how to play. to get really good at being in charge of our own long Saturday afternoons.

5:38No one was saying to us, we have this club sport and it's three hours away. And this we have this here. That wasn't happening. And 13 birthday parties on Saturday. I don't know how you can eat pizza and cake that many times, but you can. You know, and so we had time to practice playing and get really good at it. Yes. And now I want parents to give kids back that childhood. Give them back that time. And I guess the other thing versus our childhoods is what I often think is the unsaid part of the discussion around boredom and screens and independent play is our tolerance for our kids whining. It has to be less than our parents because we're in our phones.

6:20We're not bored that much. I'm always like, well, look, I can do ding, ding, ding and find such pleasure. Right. So I'm less tolerant of my kids discomfort. Of course. Right. And there's just so many more options available to us as parents, right? Yes. I mean, I imagine saying to my mom as a kid, I'm bored and I don't think that even like registered to her. What am I going to do about that? Right. That's a you problem. Yeah. Yeah. And a little bit you're reclaiming that there's something in that that's helpful. It is a little bit of our kids problem. At least it's not. It's not our problem. It's not our problem to solve.

6:55There are ways that we can support it. And I think that's also really helpful as a parent. Right. Yes. Because, you know, for me, when my kids come in and say, like, I'm bored and, you know, and I feel very confident saying go be bored somewhere else because I know that in my home I have set up what I like to call play pockets. It's I love I know that they have there are toys and materials. There are spaces for them to read and be comfortable. They can go outside. I'm very lucky. You know, there are ways for them to entertain themselves. They might not like it. It might be uncomfortable getting from point A to point B.

7:37But I know I've done my job. You know, have you eaten? Yes. OK. Have we connected today? OK. Yes. Are there options available to you for you to make into what you need? Yes. Well, once those things are met, in my mind, I'm like, okay, now this really is like a you problem to figure out. Okay. I want to go through some of those things. I actually want to start with the last thing. Tell me about the difference between, as a parent, I'm hearing you say this, have I done my job of kind of making sure there's things set up that you could use? the difference between that and, I don't know, doing the activity or being in charge of delivering the fun.

8:18Can you differentiate those? Absolutely. Because when I say, you know, are there things for them to do? I do not mean a craft or a project or a new toy that I am now going to sit with you and do. Right. I do. I mean, actually, the opposite of that. Right. Because I think what happens for a lot of parents is they're like, OK, play independent play. I need to set up this beautiful sensory bin or we are going to make this project that I saw on Instagram and everyone in the family looked so happy doing it together. And then we go to do it in reality. And what happens? Everyone's grumpy. The kid, you have now spent time, money, energy.

8:55You got excited and your kid engages for two minutes. Yeah. And then they're bored again and you're burnt out. Yes. And have less money because you just spent all this money. And then you're like, see, my kid can't play. That's exactly right. Right. Right. When really for me, when I think about, you know, setting up the environment for play, it means are there materials that reflect their life, things that are interesting to them? Right. So, you know, if you have a child who, say, is really into, I don't know, trucks, are there trucks around? You know, are there a few truck books? Are there, you know, did we connect today?

9:31Maybe, you know, maybe I went to the supermarket with them. But instead of just like running through my to do list in my head on the way there, I pointed out a couple of trucks in the car on the way there. Right. It's like, wow, buddy, like, look at that one. What do you think about that one? What do you notice about that one? Right. So we're putting them as the expert in their interest. OK, so then later when they're bored, they have materials. You know, they have some toy trucks or some toy books or maybe some crayons and paper. Maybe they like to draw trucks. You know, whatever it is, maybe they live in New York City and they can look out the window and draw the trucks.

10:06They see they get to decide that. Right. Yeah. Because if you're sitting there saying today, we're going to play about trucks and we're going to make this project that I saw online. And first, we're going to glue this. Nope. Do it this way. That's that's not them independent playing. Right. That's that's you just teaching them maybe a skill. But that's not how we're supporting boredom. And my guess is it doesn't give the parent the thing that they need over time, which is some amount of time when your kid can do something independently, but they're not on a screen. And this is not about screens.

10:37And I think you and I are similar to the screen thing. That's fine. But I think every parent I know says it feels like either I have to give my kid an activity or they're on a screen. What I love what you talk about is independent play is a way to get out of that binary. Yes. Right? Yes. So say more about that. And, you know, I think so much about how your work focuses so much on relationship building, right? Like at the basis of everything, you're coming back to their relationship. And something I really want parents to understand about play and independent play is that when you support your child in play and you value their play and you take time to watch them and observe them in their play, you're going to learn so much about like, who is my child?

11:20What's interesting to them? What are they grappling with? Yeah. I have ideas. Yeah. I have things to teach other people. And that builds confidence and it gives them the confidence they need as a little one, you know, to start playing. But then as they're older, you know, I was recently having a conversation with someone who was saying, you know, college kids are really grappling with, you know, making small decisions. They're calling their parents for every reason, like, you know, all of these things. And that makes me think back to, I wonder if those kids had time to play, because I think that kind of resilience is really built on the living room floor at four.

11:59I know you and I see similarly about this, but I want to pull that out a little bit more because sometimes that leap isn't so obvious to other people. Okay, so it's a kid playing with trucks or maybe a kid who likes to draw free form, whatever it is. And then we're talking about a college kid who can decide which class to register when they can only pick one or wants to know, do I talk to my teacher about this or do I wait? Whatever the decisions are. Zoom out from what's happening on the floor that you share often with parents about where play is play, but also it's so much more. So can you just explain that a little more?

12:36Yeah, I would love to. So, you know, our kids, especially, I mean, I think about, you know, the parents whose kids are two, three, four, five, like the ones who are really still learning those independent play skills, right? Think of, they don't have a lot of autonomy in their life, right? But play, play is a place where kids can create their own world. Right. It is one of the only places that they get to make the decisions. They get to decide what happens and when in the game. Right. Yeah. And oftentimes as parents, we feel it's our job to play with them. And instead of playing with them, we become the entertainer.

13:15Right. Suddenly we're calling the shots. We're making the duck do this. And instead, I really want to help parents step back from that. And I'm not saying don't play with your kid. I think that's like a huge misnomer, right? You can play with your kid, but think of your role as less entertainer and more mirror. More person who says like, this is your world. Yeah. You get to make the call. I'm just here reflecting that back to you. Right. And that's how our kids build those decision making skills. they become people who are like I have ideas that matter I can make a mistake and the world doesn't explode it's okay right and the more they can do that over time over years they learn that resilience it's okay to make a mistake yeah so I'm gonna get it one more level concrete and tell me this is you know an example that resonates so I'm building with blocks magnet tiles whatever it is as a kid.

14:15And I think often as a parent, we watch and we think, oh, steady that foundation. It's going to fall. And now listen, anyone who says that, let me just be clear, you've not traumatized your kid. Your kid's going to be fine. Okay. Like it is not too late and it's not too late because it's no big deal. We've all said those things. Okay. So we're talking about patterns, not right. And we're actually talking about giving parents freedom to do so much less. Okay. This is a good thing for parents and it's never too late to experiment with a little shift. But I think about the difference between that versus either saying nothing.

14:44I don't know, the tower falls. My kid even gets upset. And I say like, oh, tower fell. Or I used to do this thing around my kids called like the wondering face. I'm like, I wonder why that fell. Hmm. Almost. I felt like it created a like wonder container, but I didn't do the wonder filling of the container. I don't know. Does that make sense? Yes. And you didn't do the work. You didn't do the work. You just put out the scaffolding for the work. Yes. Right. And so, you know, oftentimes like we can get in there and be like, well, if you just do it this way or build it up here again, we're going back to being that entertainer.

15:27We're reflecting it back on me. Yeah. But over time, when you have a kid, right, who can build the tower, it falls, then they get to decide, am I going to build it again? Am I going to melt down? Because that's fine, too. You know, like that's allowed. It's disappointing. You know, am I going to change it? And maybe I would say to them later, you know, when they go into build, hey, I remember yesterday when you were working and that fell. That was so tricky. You know, and again, I'm not going to say it's because, you know, you did this and this and this wrong. Try it this way. I'm not going to do that.

16:07I'm just going to let them think back to that. Yeah. Right. They got through it. It wasn't the, you know, and maybe today they're going to build it a different way. Maybe they're not ready to build it a different way because play gives our kids an opportunity to keep repeating something until they've mastered it. They can keep coming at it in a way that makes sense to them. I want to actually do something where we think about kids at different ages. OK, so this is a great example. The difference between saying to a kid when they're, I don't know, two, three, four, five, here's how you build a tower taller versus I wonder what you could do.

16:42Or, oh, I wonder if something isn't as sturdy as it needs to be to make a tower. I always say it's helpful to like lead kids a little bit to the well, but let them have this like aha moment because they feel so proud. Yeah. But let's say now an older kid. Like I'd love to trace this, this difference between scaffolding and doing the work for our kids because it really relates to boredom. So where do you see this? Give me an example where you see this, whether it's in play or maybe independent tasks, remembering the water bottle. That's like our four, two, three, four, five-year-old example. Let's say we're now have kids in elementary school.

17:16Right. Where do you see these kind of decisions almost coming up and to lay out for parents like one pathway and another? Yeah. I mean, you know, when I think about things like like I was saying, you know, kids are in college and they're struggling to make a decision. Right. And I'm saying like this isn't really a college problem. This is a play problem. Right. Because when kids have the opportunity to play a lot, they learn I can I can start without someone telling me what to do. And like that alone, like that right there is a really important skill. Yeah. Starting without someone telling them what to do.

17:52I mean, it's something I think in the workplace. Yeah. Is a dream employee. Like, you know, not having someone who's waiting to be told what to do, but looks around and it's like, oh, I see an opportunity. So again, forget just college. This is a skill for life. OK, so let's say it's my five, six, seven year old now. They come home. They have a day where they don't have an activity. and they're like, I don't know what to do. I'm bored. Yeah. Show me two paths. One where you're kind of doing the decision for your kid and one where you're setting your kid up to be able to be someone who can make those decisions.

18:22I mean, I understand a lot of times when kids say I'm bored. Our immediate thing is to start listing. It's either you have all those toys, you have all those toys and now you're going to tell me you're bored, right? So there's that like resentment thing, okay? Or we're going to say, okay, well, we could do this. We could do this. We can go here. We can do that. Yeah. Yeah. We can do that. Or they are going to do that thing right where they say that I'm going to give you some chores. You know, like a punishment. We've all kind of done that. Like I've definitely done that. I'll give you things to do.

18:52Yeah, I'll give you something to do. But, you know, I think instead, if we can go back to that scaffolding and saying like, hmm, you are bored and you do have a whole day ahead of you. You're not really used to that. Let's think back for a minute. What's something you did last time you were bored? I remember on Saturday when you were building and you were, you know, creating the structure and you were really upset to stop building because we had to leave for the birthday party. Do you want me to help you think through what you were working on? Maybe you'll want to do that again or maybe you'll come up with a new idea.

19:28Yeah. I really like to think of, you know, I'm bored. I don't know what to do more as a bid for connection and less as give me something to do.

19:46So if you lead with a connection, oh, I hate when I'm bored too, or oh, I have those times at the end of the day, or oh, that's a hard feeling. And then you kind of wonder with your kid, or do you want me to help you remember? You're more setting them up to be the type of person who can take initiative rather than when you see the on board after school as my problem to fix. because I think this is something that happens to parents a lot. We lock ourselves into the roles we don't want. I don't want my kid to always come to me. It's so annoying, right? Like they're always coming to me. Why can't they be more independent?

20:17It is annoying. And it is annoying. But sometimes I think there's a reality check. It's like, well, every time my kid is bored, I do fix it for them. So I guess I am locking myself into being entertainer of the year, even though I'm kind of resentful of being entertainer for the year. And I think like that word resentful is actually such an important piece in this. Right. Because the other piece for parents is, you know, that when you are the entertainer, you are on 24 seven. And when you remove that job from your description, you actually have a lot more time back for yourself so that you can show up as the person you want to be.

20:58And also you feel more connected to your child. You really do. You know, oftentimes people say, gosh, you know, Lizzie, I did everything you said to do. And my kid, my kid actually loves playing alone now. And I feel kind of guilty. Right. And I think when that happens, they're missing that piece of reconnecting after. Right. And so really taking that time, like what did my kid end up doing when they were bored? And this is, you know, great at any age is to go back and say at the end of the day, hey, remember this morning when you came to me, you were so bored. You didn't know what to do. We thought it through.

21:35I saw that you built this. I would love to hear more about that when you're ready. You know, we're not saying, what did you build? We're not doing, whenever you're ready. Or I heard those baby dolls crying in the playroom. I wonder what they were sad about. You know, we're not questioning them like they have to tell you, but we just want them to know, like, you noticed. I noticed you playing, right? And so then we're doing two things. One, we're saying your play really matters. I notice you and your ideas and also you've got this. Like you did that. You had a problem. We thought it through together and you worked it out.

22:10Yeah. And that really reinforces to them for the next time and the next time. And then they really become that kid who's like, I don't want to go with you to wherever because I've got a great idea to play with my magnet tiles. They become those kids who race home after school with a really good idea of something that they need paper and tape to work out. Yep. Yeah. And I'm thinking as our kids get older, and I know you have older kids, I've, you know, kind of right in the middle where I think about, you know, our kids always forgetting the water bottle and these patterns, there's so many extensions of them that don't explicitly have to do with play and the difference between every day, here's your water bottle, here's your water bottle, even though I'm thinking, I don't want to be my kid's water bottle.

22:52Remember when he's 18, right? Even though I keep doing that versus, hey, you keep forgetting your water bottle. I wonder what you would need on the wall or somewhere in our house to remember. And I think that binary is something you explain so well around boredom and playing these skills, where it's really the binary of fixing our kid's problem or creating a container for them to solve their own problems. And the benefits of that, like when you're no longer your kid's water bottle remember, Remember, you do have more time to talk to them about different things because you're not running around your house and depleted all the time.

23:29And you end up with a kid who knows deep down. I can be in charge of my water bottle. And if I forget and if, you know, it's still OK, like it's not the end of the world or maybe my teacher is annoyed at me because I forgot my violin. And that's OK, too, because I can learn how to advocate for myself. And it's not in the way of saying to your kid, well, you forgot. So now you deal with it. It's not like that. It's saying like, gosh, you know, you did forget your violin. Is there a way I can support you to remember your violin? Yes. Yes. And also saying, how did you manage that? You know, like, what did that feel like for you?

24:11Yeah. Right. You're in it with them. You're walking next to them. And that's what I want parents to understand about play. You walk next to them in figuring it out, but it belongs to them. It's not our job to create the magic of play. That belongs to them. And I think you're also saying your approach is that's in them. It's actually in them. It's inherent in who they are as people. They have interests. They have a drive for autonomy. They are so creative. Yeah. So I'm thinking about the parents listening who says this, okay, this all resonates and my kid isn't two or five anymore. And they're constantly looking for me for entertainment.

24:51How do I, you know, how do I shift the front of the ship a little bit? What are some things knowing, the whining, the protests, the you used to do this for me is kind of coming, coming their way. I would be really upfront with, say, my seven year old. Right. I am your partner in this. Like, let's figure this out together. Right. every day you keep coming home and, you know, I'm I work from home and and I'm working and you come in and you really want to go on the iPad because you're not sure what to do. And like, I get that. Right. Because sometimes when I don't know what to do, I go on my phone.