Why Am I Always on the Edge?

0:00So many of you are annual members and I have something I'm so excited to share with you. The question I get asked more than almost anything else is, Dr. Becky, do you have coaches trained for one-on-one sessions in the Good Inside Method? And for so long, the answer has been, no, not really. You're not people that are taking new clients. But here's something I've been working on. I have trained a group of parent coaches in the Good Inside Method. And these are people who think the way I do, who have the good inside frameworks, who speak this language. And so if it resonates with you, yes, now we have a group of coaches who can sit with you.

0:35So they can talk about the very specific thing you want to talk about with a person who's trained and who you trust. And now, if you're an annual member, you can book a session with one of them. This is honestly a test. If you show up, and I think you will, we're going to roll this out to every member and maybe even beyond that. So if you've ever wished you could talk to an expert trained in good inside, who's also just a parent who gets it, this is exactly that. Head to the app and book your session. There's just something about summer that makes parents think, maybe this is the time to finally tackle potty training.

1:11And if that's where you are right now, I want to offer a minor reframe. Potty training isn't really about the potty. Now, I know what you're thinking. Um, Dr. Becky, what do you mean? Potty is in the name. But actually, it's really all about independence. See, your kid wants to do more things on their own. Your kid wants to build confidence and feel like a big kid. That's why I like Pampers Easy Ups. They fit and feel more like underwear than a diaper. So kids can practice pulling them up and down on their own. And those moments of, I did it, really matter in confidence building. They even come with Peppa Pig designs, which if you have a toddler, you know can make almost anything more exciting.

1:52And because accidents are part of learning, Pampers Easy Ups are designed to protect day and night, which means less stress for you and more room to focus on helping your child learn. The goal isn't a perfectly dry day. The goal is to help your kid feel more capable. And I like that Pampers Easy Ups helps make room for that. My kid slaps me in the face, smacks me, punches me, scratches me. She hits other people. She hits other kids. I try so hard and nothing works. I found a thread on reddit called nothing works. I read all of these impossible parenting situations and this morning for two hours I went deep into that thread And I want to start with sharing my reaction to all of them because maybe it's going to be the least useful thing I could say but it is 100 % the truth.

2:39Yeah You're right. Each of those parents were right Nothing works In the situations I read nothing would work for me either Now, don't go anywhere because here is where I think things are about to get interesting because two things can be true. Nothing works in those situations those parents were describing. And I feel extremely hopeful, oddly excited, about how that hitting, that smacking could stop, how this situation another parent described in the parking lot can get easier, how the 10 times of asking every question, oh, can become just one. So let me guess what you might be thinking. Dr. Becky, I'm listening to your podcast with you starting by admitting that nothing works.

3:25And at the same time, you're hopeful about change. How can those both be true? They will. Let's get into it.

3:35I remember the specific mom in my office who said, Dr. Becky, what do you do when you have three kids? And my baby is screaming her head off. My toddler has a Sharpie and is going to town on the one wallpapered room I put money toward in my new house. And my older kid is clinging to my leg like a baby screaming, you never give me attention. You know what I told this mom in my office? I have no idea. Like, if you think I have a magic solution, I don't. Because it's an unwinnable situation. I would try to survive the moment without making it too much worse. And I remember the mom's sigh of relief because I think what she realized with me and what I want to say to you directly is in those types of situations, whenever you're in a situation where nothing works, we are not talking about a moral failing.

4:23We are not talking about whether the parent is not cut out to be a parent. That's not what it is. And here's what it is, I think. And I think it's going to surprise you because it gives you a different way to see it. I think we have a timing issue. That's it. Not a moral failing. a timing issue. And I hope that lands as good news because now you're not asking what's wrong with me. You're asking, am I intervening too late? It's a completely different question. And it's a question where you actually can come up with a helpful, effective solution. Because honestly, all of these situations, almost everything I read on Threadit, on Threadit, I'm not even going to correct myself.

5:04I'm just going to keep going. Do not edit that out on Reddit, this morning for two hours, all had the same shape, even though the specifics were different. Here's the shape of the question. Dr. Becky, my car is on a cliff. I am on the edge. What can you tell me to do to make sure I don't fall over, but I can safely back my car off that cliff. Now, here's my question to you. Why is your car always on the edge of a cliff? And can we figure out some exits, given it seems like over and over the road always ends in that cliff? Because if we exit sooner, we're not asking ourselves, what can I do in an impossible situation?

5:54We're asking ourselves, how can I get to that impossible situation less often? And oh, that feels so much better. And that is actually exactly what we're going to think about today. There are so many parenting accounts out there that tell you what to do with the edge. I think that's why parenting online is exhausting. Because almost nobody is talking about the road to the cliff. Now, I want to be honest. You know I'm not going to earmuffs bullshit you. Nothing comes for free in this world. So I want to tell you about the difference in the roads. The road to the cliff is smooth. it's beautiful, it's easy, it doesn't really ask much of you before you get to the cliff.

6:33And that's one of the reasons we all, me too, end up at the cliff. We're kind of an autopilot on a smooth road. And every single exit, the things we're going to talk about today. In this metaphor, kind of like a bumpy, gravelly road. If I said to you, do you want to drive on a smooth road or a bumpy gravel road? You'd say, smooth, please. But here's the question. Do you want to drive on a smooth, beautiful road to a cliff or a bumpy gravel road that doesn't end on a cliff? I don't know. Maybe not 100 % of the time because sometimes I need a smooth road, but most of the time I'm going to try to choose the gravel one that doesn't end there.

7:11And that's what we're going to talk about today. We're going to go through three specific situations. I'm going to read them exactly from Reddit so you know they're real. And we're going to talk about maybe the issue isn't this parent. And maybe it's true that nothing works in that moment for everyone. Ooh, but maybe that's not a personality. Maybe it's a location. So maybe it's just a timing issue. All right, let's do it. Hitting. I can't take it anymore. My kid slaps me in the face, smacks me, punches me, scratches me. She hits other people. She hits other kids. I try so hard and nothing works.

7:46I take her out of the fun. I take her to timeout. I help her regulate. We talk about it. And we check in on the person she hits. And still for months, the hitting continues. Recently, I've been grabbing her by the arm to prevent the hits. I firmly tell her we do not hit. Please help. Even if it's just solidarity. First of all, first of all, oh, I mean that. Just get it out with me. Oh, so exhausting when you're in a stage like this. And I hear how hard this parent is trying. And if that parent is you, whether it's hitting or rudeness, whatever it is, that parent is all of us. Every parent in this situation is a parent who's trying hard.

8:26So just give yourself credit for that, okay? Almost everything on that list happens after the hitting. The time out, the two minutes of regulating, the talk, the checking in on the person she hit. I don't think any of these are bad ideas. It's just that they're all in one category of intervention. They all happen after the hit. So when you're saying nothing works, I believe you. But again, And I think it's a timing issue. A kid already knows hitting is wrong. Knowing in your brain is never the missing part. What is really happening is in this kid's body, her body, maybe your kid's body, they've learned something.

9:07Frustration leads to a hit. Anger leads to a hit. When I can't be patient, it leads to a hit. So the next time that feeling shows up, if a kid hasn't by that exact point learned a different thing to do when you're frustrated, angry or trying to be patient, we can't really expect a different action. I'm not trying to say it's OK. I'm just talking about the order of operations. So let's back up and ask a different question. Why would a kid hit? OK, so this situation, maybe she's frustrated and doesn't have a good way yet to manage her frustration. She has all the frustration and none of the skills to manage the frustration.

9:49Frustration without skills leads to hit. So let's think about how to change that. I'm going to make up a story. I have a feeling it might be similar to what's actually going on for that mom, but definitely film the details differently in your house. 5.15 p.m. Mommy, can I have a snack? No, honey, I'm making dinner. By the way, totally reasonable. Set that boundary. and my guess is for that kid frustration that was at a level four is probably at a level six 522 she's now trying to get your attention and you're on your phone now let's be clear i have my phone on my freaking podcast we're all on our phone sometimes okay we can all be distracted it's not about blame it's about the story of our kid oh is the frustration now to level eight interesting 529 she wants the thing her brother has right there in the kitchen or Maybe she wants to be picked up.

10:39I don't know, right when you're carrying something hot. So of course you're not going to do it. So you say one minute. Now we have three small things that built that frustration higher. 5.30 p.m. She hits you. She smacks her brother. Whatever it is. Here's the thing I want you to see. That manifests at 5.30. All of it actually started before. Because now it's 5.31 and I'm taking her out of the fun. I'm giving the time out. I'm making sure she checks in on her brother. I'm giving her the talk. All of it. It's just all after 530. And here's what I know, okay? I don't know one kid or an adult who's going to do this the next time.

11:17You know what? I'm frustrated and I feel like I'm going to hit. But hold on a second. So let's go back. Instead of thinking, what do I do after a kid hits when it's true? Nothing works. Is there an exit road? Because I didn't even realize starting at 515, my kid was on a road to hitting, a road to that cliff. where I can help exit earlier. Just watch this moment. Mommy, can I have a snack? No, honey, I'm making dinner. I know what you're thinking. I'm not impressed, Dr. Becky. It's the same thing you said in the first situation. Wait. Oh, is it so annoying to want a snack and not have it? Do you want to stomp with me for a second, right?

11:56And I'm going to go like this while I'm kind of cooking. I'm so mad. So annoying. And if you're wondering, would I really do that? Did I do that when my kids are younger? Yeah, I did. Sometimes I give myself permission to do it when I'm alone in my kitchen because it feels good to get it out. I recommend you try the same thing. Now, all of a sudden, my kid, instead of the frustration building, we know when a kid has a way to get it out before it has to come out in a hit. It doesn't make the frustration go to a zero, but it's a little bit of an exit road. Now, here's the thing I want you to know.

12:26You're going to think it's unwarranted. My kid's not that frustrated, Dr. Becky. Nothing happened yet. exactly my point. We have to intervene when nothing happens yet. We have to kind of take frustration that's at a four and bring it down to a two, at a six and bring it down to a three. That's the only way that we both don't end up at that 5.30 cliff. Your kid cannot invent a new coping strategy at 530 when her frustration is at a 10 out of 10. Now, do I think we're at the point in the podcast where I'm about to get a flood of emails? Dr. Becky, that one thing you told is stop my kid from hitting forever.

13:09I think I'm going to get zero of those emails, okay? But do I think this idea even more than the stomping strategy, and this again is why I think it's so important in this world of constant parenting advice. At Good Inside, we say frameworks over strategies. Do I think this framework, what happened before? Could I help my kid exit when it almost seems unwarranted? Do I think that could set off a positive change in your house across a much wider situation range than hitting? I do. And that actually excites me for you. Because of course what she did, the hitting isn't okay. But the truth is the best way to intervene is figuring out an exit ramp before that situation could even happen.

13:50we don't change behavior by adding more consequences to it again like we said it doesn't even really make sense we change behavior by understanding the preceding events so that we can say oh maybe at one of those events i could do something differently i've just exited the road and now for any of you wondering because i hear the thought or maybe you're hearing your partner skeptical thought. I don't know, seems a little permissive. Are you basically saying the hitting is okay? Let me just say, 0 % is the hitting okay. And 0 % of my approach is permissive. I want you to think about yourself as a basketball coach, or maybe it's your partner who would want this metaphor.

14:35Think about if you're a basketball coach with a kid who always misses layups. You could add consequences, 100%. Go run a lap. Sit down. You're not playing the rest of the game. Look, if you miss one more layup, you're off the floor. Or you could say after the game, hmm, maybe we need to get into the gym together. Maybe the kid's form is off. Now I'm paying more attention to what happened before the missed layups than after. Nobody watches that coach and says that coach is permissive. You know what we call that coach? Affective. Nothing I told you is about reinforcing bad behavior. It's just about whether we're thinking about the moment and what happens after, or whether we're thinking about the moment and rewinding to focus on the causes so we can intervene then.

15:20And if anybody listening would like to call that soft, let's talk. I call it effective parenting. All right, ready for the next one? Meltdowns anywhere outside the house. My toddler is amazing at home, but has extreme meltdowns anytime we step somewhere. he's constantly active he's been sleeping a lot less lately and i'm starting to feel mentally exhausted and scared that maybe i caused this it's especially awful at family gatherings or other people's homes i just feel so isolated watching other toddlers just exist normally in public while i'm carrying a screaming kid back to the car trying not to cry myself family members make comments people stare everyone thinks could everyone thinks kids should just adjust but nobody talks about how mentally exhausting this is for the parent.

16:10Number one, I just have no words and I have a hug. I'm sorry this is so hard and mostly I'm sorry that you're living somewhere where you feel so much judgment around kind of a good kid having a hard time and a good mom who's having a hard time but cares enough to write all this out on Reddit to try to get some guidance from other parents who've been through it. So let's go back to this road metaphor and understand it that way. Your kid is perfectly calm and okay in your house. And then something happens outside the house, right? In the parking lot to the grocery store, going to a family members where things feel out of control.

16:46Now, one of the things this tells me about your kid is your kid has a hard time adjusting. It's kind of slow to warm up to new situations. We can wait until that moment comes and kind of cross our fingers. Or, again, we can rewind. explained let's say going to aunt sally's house is that moment on a cliff you get there your kid freaks out you're carrying them out everything feels awful what could happen before we get to aunt sally's house here's just one example what would happen the next time you go to aunt sally's house okay you show pictures of what aunt sally's house looks like stay with me i'm not talking about anything fancy.

17:28You say to Aunt Sally, can you snap a picture of the outside of your house and the entryway in the living room where we're going to be sitting together? Fine. Aunt Sally can do you that solid. And you show your kid. And the important thing before the picture is the story. I think you're a kid who likes to know what's happening in a situation before you go in. You know, we're going to Aunt Sally's on Saturday, and I just thought it would be helpful to show you some pictures because, look, it's kind of weird to show up and not understand where you are. I think you're a kid who really likes to understand.

17:58It's kind of a cool thing about you. So this is what her door looks like. What do you notice? This is what her living room looks like. This is what her entryway looks like. And then you can actually make a little game. I actually thought about this before the episode, but this is a brand new thought I'm having now as I'm talking and I'm excited to share it with you. Oh, do you see that blue pillow in the living room? I wonder if it'll be there when we get there. Huh? Maybe it's going to be in a different place when we get there. You want to see if you can find it? Huh. How many doorknobs do you notice in her house in these pictures?

18:32Oh, do you think there's more doorknobs in her house? Now, all of a sudden, instead of a situation feeling scary, first of all, you made an unfamiliar location familiar through pictures. Always brings anxiety a little down for some kids. And you've added a game element. Now, all of a sudden, your kid's going to be thinking, I wonder where that blue pillow is. I wonder where the doorknobs are. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? now you're allowing your kid to explore and feel more comfortable in new places from the perspective of game and fun which always makes things a little easier okay the second idea i have for you that i think is another exit ramp you know i think this is a lot of kids i've always had a soft spot in my career for the kids who are seen as the difficult kids i really have i think there's so much attention on the kid who gets hit right as an example and don't get me wrong that kid needs attention.

19:21But I used to always think, what about the kid who does the hitting? What about the kid where the family members do think, oh, why can't he be like the other kids? I think that kid needs protection. That kid needs protection from forming an identity as the bad, weird kid who can never have a win in life. We don't want that to happen and then kind of spiral from there. So I'm telling you something about your kid that might be a surprise. Your kid needs a win. And you need to make it small and almost control it to the level of being possible. So watch this. I want you to do that exact same exercise that we talked about with Aunt Sally's, but I don't know, going to some store.

19:55But you're not going to go to the store and actually get things. No, not yet. That's a level 10. You're at a level one for a win. We've got to get them a level one win. Hey, you know that store that we go to to get food? You know what we're going to do today? We're going to do a kind of funny game. We're going to go into the store and we are going to go in and we're going to and then fill in the blank. Take a picture of the cash register together. Touch this thing at the beginning of the store and then we're going to leave. What do you think? Can we do it? And if you're thinking, am I driving nine minutes to a store to have a 30-second experience to drive nine minutes home?

20:32You're right. 18 minutes and 30 seconds. That will pay off for a lifetime because you're going to be able to say something you haven't said to your kid in a while. Wow, you did it. We went somewhere new and you crushed it. You are a kid who can go to new places. You just need a little prep. And honestly, I'm a little bit like that too. We're on a team together. Give your kid a win. Then the next place is a minute. Then you get it. The next place can be two minutes. But when a kid is kind of on a roll of losses, it's easy to keep rolling down that hill. We've got to get your kid an easy win and get you guys feeling like you're on the same team celebrating to start going in a different direction, probably even before Aunt Sally's house.

21:16You know that time in summer when it's about 4 p.m., you've been with your kids all day, you're drained because you're driving them everywhere, you've made snacks 15 times, and honestly, you want something around them that just feels like yours. Now, this is the part that gets a little serious, but stay with me. That's often a moment when a lot of parents reach for a glass of wine. And this is not a referendum on wine, but so many parents I know tell me, I don't even want to have it. I don't like the way it makes me feel in the moment or the next day. But I think what the real need is, is that we are looking for something adult.

21:50We are looking to hold something that tells us I am not just a caregiver setting up a slip and slide and making my 19th meal of the day. And honestly, that's one of my favorite reasons for Element. See, you can use Element as your adult summer drink. It can be just yours, not for the kids. And then it's 4 p.m. And what you might be looking for isn't necessarily alcohol. You might be looking for something that just reminds you of you, that you're an adult, you're not only a caregiver, and you're allowed to have something of your own. Plus the fact that it's healthy, no sugar, and actually hydrates you is going to take you through the rest of the day and help you stay calmer while it still meets that need.

22:34You can check out Element at drinkelement.com slash goodinside. That's drinkelement.com slash goodinside. When you're a parent, summer can feel like it's all about the kids, which can be so joyful. And also, you sometimes just want time for yourself. You want to swap your running around shoes for your favorite sandals and talk to your friends about what's been on your mind that has nothing to do with your kids. That's why I loved my trip to LA this summer. I visited some of my amazing friends in California. We had a fabulous dinner where we could have candid conversations about the realities of motherhood.

23:10And we found the most amazing home on Airbnb with views of the city and a beautiful pool, a space where we could stop feeling like just moms for a while and connect to who we are alongside that. And the best part, the stunning kitchen where my friend and Caro put together the most incredible dinner. We were so grateful for the hosts who listed their home on Airbnb because we were able to connect in their space. And it made me think about all the families traveling away from home this summer and the opportunities for connection those empty spaces could bring. If you have summer travel plans, you could list your home on Airbnb and maybe give another great group of moms the much-needed retreat they're craving.

23:50It's a great way to earn some extra money to put toward your own travel. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host.

24:07Okay, last one. You ready? I can't handle this arguing. I get it. Okay, I genuinely can't handle the arguing anymore. For the last five months, my son has been a nightmare capital nightmare. there. Like he can be such a sweet kid and he's so gentle and kind. And then suddenly I'm considering dropping off at my parents and throwing my phone off a cliff. And he's always arguing. Here's an example. Mommy, can I go outside with daddy? No, baby, not right now. Daddy is letting the dogs to go potty and he'll be right back. I mean, it's too dark and too cold for my kid to go out. Followed immediately with literally 10 minutes of, no, I said, I want to go outside.

24:45I want to go outside over and over and over. I've tried ignoring him. I've tried consequences for arguing. I've tried taking a calm down break in his bed. I've tried taking something away. I've tried explaining why I can say no. I've tried saying I will not argue with you. Nothing works. I don't know if I'm failing as a mother or if my kid is evil or if all toddlers are just the worst people you'll ever meet. For context, because I'm sure it matters, I'm a stay-at-home mom. Dad works five to five. We have two dogs and a cat and I'm seven months pregnant.

25:22I just want to first disconfirm all of those fears. Okay. Nothing's wrong with your kid. Your kid is not evil. Nothing's wrong with you. All toddlers are challenging, but I promise you they're not all kind of gremlins trying to drive us crazy. They are young kids perceiving every single thing around them. Toddlers actually perceive more than we do. And they're unable to make sense of it without us. So they can act like gremlins. Now, I want to actually start with a small detail, okay? But to me, it's how I heard everything else. He's been like this for five months. You might have heard that, yeah, a long time.