Episode 534: The Real Reason Why Most People Don’t Change

0:01Jennifer Cohen:Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it.

0:08Welcome to another solo episode of Habits and Hustle. And I am joined by the one and only Shawnee Suisa, who is like a sister to me. And for those of you who don't remember or weren't listening to me at the time, Shawnee used to do a lot of solos with me until she got to be really famous and successful and she would be the best foil. She would sit there and like gab with me and it was so fun. And like I said, now she's too cool for school, but I was able to snag her a few more times. So I appreciate you being here. Thank you, Shani. Thank you. Too cool for school is true. Famous.

0:52She has a sparkling personality and very funny. Okay, so today's topic is the real reason why most people don't change. That's the topic we're talking about today. And guess what? What? It's not laziness. What is the real reason? Well, I want you to tell me what you think the reason is. But I do think people change. Okay, well then this is why you're my foil. Okay, so the first reason why people don't change is that change threatens your identity. That's what I believe to be the case. And I shouldn't just say it's what my belief is. It's what a lot of the research has shown. That makes a lot of sense.

1:39I think people get, I think that's why people also move or they feel a sense of freedom when they do move to a new city because they aren't linked to necessarily the same identity that they were so tied to. I think that staying stuck feels safer than changing because that's unfamiliar. And I think unfamiliarity is really scary for people. So they rather just stay where they are because that feels safer. So it's kind of like the devil you know versus the devil you don't know. I don't even think that people are so much afraid of failure is that they're just afraid of outgrowing their old self sometimes because of what that represents.

2:20I guess. I feel like people change a lot, though. Like, think about some of your oldest friends. Are they still the same? A lot of people are the same, actually. Really? Yes. I think that a lot of people that I've met, And I think that what happens is people stay in comfortable situations because it's comfortable, not because they're happy. How many people do you know, truthfully, who are happy versus being baseline content, like not even content, being okay? I think I know a lot of happy people. Whether they're happy more than they're sad is a different story. But I have a question for you. So are you saying people don't change in the sense that their personalities and who they are doesn't change or that they don't change their circumstances?

3:10I think circumstances. Circumstances. People don't change their circumstances. I actually agree with that more. I feel what I was saying is that I think just people, they change personalities a lot. Like I think people really become, I don't know, it just depends who you're hanging out with at that time. Like people really morph and I've seen it so many times. This is what I believe. Let me just finish the whole thought and then we can talk about it. How about that? Okay. I think the reason why most people don't change, there's really four, maybe five reasons. The first is I think that change does threaten your identity.

3:43I think comfort is actually more addictive than failure. I think people wait for certainty that never comes. I think that's a big one. I think social circles punish your growth. So depending on who you socialize with, that will determine a big piece if you're growing or not. And people confuse motivation for readiness. I think people are always waiting for motivation, which never comes. And they think that they're not ready because they're not motivated. So I think that those are the main reasons why people don't change. And then there's a lot of like sub points under underneath that. But that to me would be what I believe is.

4:26And I think the one, the big one that we talk about and we hear a lot in the ether is about motivation, right? Because I don't know anybody who's ever done anything that was, you know, ready to go. Usually there's a lot of like ambivalence and apprehension all the time, but it's the people who don't rely on feeling ready that actually change things and do things. So those are mine. I mean, I think I could be maybe leaving some out, but I think that overall, that's what I believe. What do you think? I hear that. I think I just come from a very traveler-y world. So I see people making big shifts a lot, but I also see people who stay very comfortable in really horrible situations a lot.

5:13And I, I don't know. I think also, I think that a lot of times, well, besides what I just said, I think really surrounding yourself with, with, with doers is really important. Surrounding yourself with doers, I think can mitigate a lot of, a lot of your issues when it comes to change and comfort and being, you know, being stuck. And not yes people. Like you don't want yes friends who are just going to tell you that everything is fine. Actually, what I was going to say is that's a different point. I think when you're around doers, it actually, it gives you the confidence and the, like the motivation, if you want to call it or whatever that word is to do something too.

5:56Because if someone else is doing it in your social circle, then you feel like you should too. It's It's like positive peer pressure, right? It's positive peer pressure. So if you're around the right social group, you can get a lot of positive peer pressure because their positive actions or just activity will inspire you to make the same kind of strides. Just like people who are in the wrong social groups can give you the negative peer pressure. 100%. I think I've surrounded myself with really tremendous people. So I'm seeing a lot of people who like make some really great moves. So that's why.

6:34So that's interesting. So like because your perspective, well, you're also very positive, Polly, you know, like, which is always interesting when I have you on here. Because, I mean, what I always remember with you, we always had this like very like this banter that was kind of like combative. Because if I say black, you'll say white. If I say go, you'll say stop. No, you just have a much more like. I have a much more black and white way of looking at things, but you are just very positive, Polly. Like you'll always see like, you'll like always see the brightness or the, not the positive. It's like kind of like this naivete.

7:12You have like a naive way of like. It's intentional. Seeing the world. It is intentional. So I don't know. Is it this, is it really how you think or you're, or is it like how you've kind of, you're, if you say it's intentional. is because you've trained yourself to be naive or want to be naive or be ignorant. It's not naive at all. I just think in this world, your reality is your perception. Of course. It's the only thing that matters. Nothing else actually exists apart from your own perception. But you just said it, not me. You said that your naivety is intentional. I didn't say it. No, but you said naivety.

7:46I said it's intentional. I didn't say my naivety is intentional. Just my perspective, the way that I am, the way that I think. It's intentional because it makes the world... I see. Okay. Okay. All that matters is your reality. Like nothing else actually exists, literally. So if you're having, let's say a fight with somebody or you're in a situation where your family's going crazy and you're sat there, like nothing, they could be going crazy. How you're feeling and what you're doing and what's happening, it's completely up to you. And literally nothing could be real or fake depending on how you see it.

8:17Like you just make your world. That's a great, I love that about you actually. Like I tease you about you being positive, Apolly, but honestly, I love that about you because you're right. Like we, we have the ability and the capability to choose whatever our reality is and how we think. And so if you're starting to think badly or be more pessimistic, like unfortunately how I am, then you, you basically are able to shift quickly into a more positive mindset, which is really great to do, by the way. And you do surround yourself with really great people. So that does, again, also like shift how your perspective is.

9:00So that's not that, by the way, and that's intentional. Yeah. But I'm not always, I've gotten better with that over the years. I mean, you know, because of my little positive Pauliness, but I also sometimes have blinders on with certain people. You do trust people that are sometimes not trustworthy. Right. And I've gotten a lot better over the years. Yes. And that has helped me. And you want to see the best in people. Yes. Or you let people take advantage of you because you want to believe that they're good. Less so now, I think when I was younger, more so. But I just would rather see the best in people.

9:34I'd rather myself get screwed over one in every 10 times and have like nine incredible interactions than be jaded the entire time and have all these crappy interactions. No, so I agree with that. In fact, actually, I think I was just having this conversation the other day because like I've been screwed over so many times in my life. It's like beyond, okay? You know it, I know it. And people are always like, oh, but you're so tough and you're so strong. How can that happen? It's because, you know, as pessimistic as I can be, I do want to believe the best in people. And I lead with how I can help someone all the time, even when it's not reciprocated.

10:15So, and so then I get burned because their intentions were bad. But then I always say what you say, which is I rather have not changed myself and just been authentic to who I am and been burned because I feel like also in the accumulative space of all this stuff, it will bet it will all like work out to be beneficial in the down and in the, in the long run. Yeah. And I think also, as you have more of those experiences, you get better at knowing who's someone who's more trustworthy versus who's someone who's going to burn you. And obviously we all make mistakes, but you just get better. You get better at picking people as you get older, as long as you're intentional about it.

10:51Like I'm so intentional about who I have around me. I'm so intentional about how I spend my time, about what I think about, about what I keep in my mental space. Okay, so let's just stay on this topic of change, right? So of the five things that we talked about or what I mentioned, what I believe are the reasons why people stay stuck or don't change, would you say, you nodded your head, yes, yes, the social group is super important, comfort, all the other things. Is there anything else that, is there ever been something that you wanted to change that you didn't because it was more, it was more, it was easier to stay where you were because of comfort?

11:27Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I lived in my dad's house for seven years after college. That was like a horrible situation. I mean, it's not horrible, but it was. That's a bad example. Why? It's a really good example. I stayed there because it was super easy, super convenient, and I had to pay no rent. That's a perfect example. That's a perfect example. I know, but I— That was such a thing that I wanted to change for literally every day that I was there, but I chose not to. Were you also saving money? Sure. Okay. But that's, okay, but easier and cheaper are not always necessarily the best things for you.

11:59Like to invest a couple thousand dollars into rent to have a better mental scape and to be able to have your space and to be able to control your environment more. Like that's actually really valuable. That's a super valuable thing to do. But I didn't want to invest it because, yeah, it is cheaper. But also, like it's just easy. It was just easier. I didn't have to find a lease. I didn't have to deal with another landlord. What if I wanted to travel? I don't feel guilty that I'm gone for a couple months. you know? So I would say that's a perfect example. Anybody who moved back in with their parents can definitely relate with that.

12:29A lot of people did. That's a hundred percent true. A lot of people did. I think that if you are somebody who is not, who is complacent and not changing because of anything, because you are more comfortable with comfort, I would maybe make an attempt to make some small moves to move forward. Because I think that sometimes we can't see the forest in front of our, you know, whatever, we can't see the forest with the trees. No. And I think a lot of times like that complacency ends up being resentment and also like a lot of times resentment and self like deprecation and unhappiness in a real way. So if you can make a change.

13:18And if anything that we said has, what I said has actually like hit a nerve, maybe it's time to maybe think about changing, changing your social group, changing your circumstance, changing your relationship, because we want to keep on evolving and growing and moving forward. We don't want to stay stuck. Being stuck is not the answer to happiness overall. Wouldn't you agree? Yeah. I also think on another note of the social circle, like you want to be with people who allow you the space to grow and to become a better version of yourself. You don't want people who are going to keep you, even if they're good friends, even if you feel like they're this, that, or the other, like if you feel like they're not helping to what you're trying to get to.

13:59Even relationships, by the way. Yeah, even absolutely relationships. A lot of times people stay in these relationships because they think that end up making the other person feel like they're, that shrink the other person. Yes. That is the worst sensation. And you believe the bad hype, so to speak, right? You think in order to make the other person happy, you've got to shrink yourself, you've got to be less than yourself and you stay where you are. And you convince yourself a lot of times that that's actually okay. It's not okay. I think objectively this generation of women is doing that a lot less, which is also why we're seeing, you know, the single numbers where they are.

14:42I know, which is a whole other podcast. I think we should talk about that next. Also, I will just put a disclaimer. I am so appreciative that I had my dad's house that I could live at for seven years. I was going to say, what are you saying? Let's not be dramatic, like all of that. I also don't want to like, you know. No, but I would have been much happier. You know what it is? What is the thing, you know, don't kick a, you know, in the mouth, a dead horse in the mouth or what's that saying? That is not a, well, okay. How are you going to use it? I will. Tell me what the saying is first. I don't know.

15:09Don't kick a horse. Don't. No, not kick a horse. What's that saying? Please don't kick any horses. A gift horse in the mouth. Don't kick a gift horse in the mouth. Because a lot of times, just because you're in a comfortable situation doesn't make it bad. I think that there's like a. Yeah, that's not the part that made it bad. I know. What it makes, the only thing that makes it bad. But also, if you're like a young person who's saving money and you have a better circumstance, God bless you. You should definitely take advantage of all the good possibilities and opportunities in your life. And so when you're talking about you living in your father's home, there's a lot of good things that came from that as well.

15:42But I think I could have been like 10x more successful had I not lived there. I'm not even kidding. Why do you say that? Because I would have had the mental space to be able to do that. Or I think if anything, the only thing it would have done is give you a swift kick in the ass because then you didn't have these things. sometimes when you're too comfortable, it stops you from having the resourcefulness and like ambition and drive to do something. Yes. You definitely don't have the ambition and drive, but I also think like people need their own spaces to be able to create and do wonderful things.

16:16And I think that's really important. A lot of people would like, it's just easy. It's just some things that are just easier. The headache that you think in your mind is it's going to take is so large that you're just like, I forget about it. But then actually when you follow through on that thing and you do whatever it is you need to do to change that situation, you just think like, why didn't I do this before? Like when I finally got my own car after the labor of like just thinking in my mind that it was going to be this whole heavy lift and insurance and da-da-da and like how was I even going to like handle that?

16:48And then I got it and I was like, wait, what? Like this took two days? By the way, that happens all the time because what we are so afraid of in our head is never as bad in real life. That's a really good, I'm going to add that as point number six to my list of why we stay stuck and why we don't change. I think because sometimes we create a story around something being so hard and horrible and daunting in our brain that that is what's scary. But the reality is never as bad as we think. Like whatever you think, whatever we make up in our brain is never as bad as when the reality is most of the time.

17:29And I think that we can - Most of the time. I'm not talking about a health scare, God forbid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not all of the time. But what I'm saying is - Talking about the simpler things that we think are so, yeah. We really do. Like our brains can be our worst enemy. That's what I wanted to end it on. So don't let your brain be your worst enemy. And don't let your brain create a story to yourself that keeps you stuck and complacent. Remember, things are never as hard or as difficult or as challenging and daunting as it actually is in reality. And when you prove to yourself or show yourself that when you go through it, that you can actually do it and go through it, that in itself builds so much self-worth and self-confidence.

18:17confidence that it's worth every second of it. So with that being said, see you soon. See you next time. And join her book club. Enjoy my book club. Exactly. If you haven't joined the book club, sign up. It's totally free. It's all self-improvement books that will help you become better and grow in all the ways. So see you then. Go to jennifercohen.com and goodbye. Thank you.