Episode 545: Sarah Shahi: Playing Sex/Life Billie & The Courage To Live and Love Fully As A Woman

26:03But like, I was just always able to move. I'll just put it like that. Like, even though I was not a steady dancer, it was always in me. Right. You could pick up, you know, choreography. Yeah, like, yeah, like it was always, like anything artsy just always came to me, you know? And so don't ask me to start a fire. Or like. I won't. Do anything, you know, that requires that side of the brain because I'm, I was just destined to be an art somehow. But, yeah, like I can listen when you cry or making you a great playlist. But, you know, learning how to detoxify like water. I can't do that. Not for you.

26:41You can't do that. But. I won't ask you. Don't worry. Yeah. So then. Yeah. So I tried out. There were like over 500 girls that tried out and they only pick 27, 28 or 27. Those girls we go to. There's a training camp. You go to training camp. and then from training camp, they make another few cuts as well. So I was one of the lucky ones who stayed. It's hard to get on there, by the way, from what I understand. They make Hollywood look like child's playing in the sandbox. Do you know that there's actually a Netflix show about how hard it is to get on? I know that. Yeah, I know that. I bet you know that.

27:18Yeah, no, it's very much like that. It's very rigorous. It's very competitive. And yeah, it's challenging. I have a lot of respect for those girls who go through it because you really have to do it out of love because you don't get paid anything. Yeah. You know, so no, I have a lot of respect for them and what they go through. So then, uh, you went through it. I made the team and Robert Altman came to Texas to film a movie called Dr. T and the women that like Liv Tyler, Kate Hudson, Richard Gere, Farrah Fawcett, they were all on. And in the movie, Kate Hudson and Liv Tyler were cheerleaders. So he used our rehearsal facilities and we were all like background performers in the scenes where the girls were cheerleaders.

28:03I don't know why this turned out the way it did. Again, divine. I didn't know who Robert Altman was, right? Like I was 19. Like I did not know about cinema the way I know about it now. And so, but for whatever reason, he really took a big liking to me. And he invited me. Like, I had my own chair next to him at Video Village, where the monitors are set up and the director and writer and everything, they watch what's happening. They watch the cameras. I had my own chair next to him every day for two weeks. Like, they'd be like, Sarah, your chair is next to Bobby. Like, we buddied up. I couldn't believe it.

28:40Like, 19-year-old me and this, like, 70-year-old man were like this, kindred spirits for the two weeks he was there. And we would talk about everything but acting. Like he was so interested in my path at school. He was so interested about my life. Like, you know, my mom, you know, I'm of, you know, Persian descent. So he had so many questions about that and what growing up in Texas was like. And he had a nephew at MIT and we were talking about his nephew. And finally, it was like his fourth or fifth to last day there. He was like, what is it you want to do? I said, well, I want to be an actress.

29:13I just don't know how to do it out here. And he goes, you know, I think you have something. I think you have what it takes. I'm going to give you my office number and my cell number. And I want you to give me a call if you ever move out to L.A. I think you have something. So I went home that night. I Googled him. Again, I'm like, I don't know who this guy is. And I saw all the movies he had directed. And I remember I, like, yelled to my mom in the kitchen. I was like, Ma! The guy who directed Popeye is telling me I got a shot. So that was it. I packed up my cherry red pickup truck, moved out to L.A., and never looked back.

29:50Wow. So what did he do? What was the door, like the kind of foot in? So what's interesting is he was actually still in Texas filming. So we were playing phone tag for about three months where we could not actually connect. But within my first two, three days here, I found an acting class. I enrolled in the acting class because, again, I had never acted a day in my life. I did not go to school for it. I was an English major at SMU, English and journalism. And so I got into this acting class, and the teacher of the class was like, I want to set you up with a manager. So I go in to this manager's office, and he told me, he was like, all right, what are your credits?

30:30I'm like, I don't know. I was like the tree in a second grade play. Like, I don't have credits. And he was like, okay, go prepare two monologues, one serious, one comedic. Come back and do it for me. I'm like, what's a monologue? He was like go to the store on sunset boulevard. It's called samuel french They'll help you out. I was like, all right So I go get my little monologues prepared Go back. I perform it for him. He takes me on as a client. I start auditioning immediately In every room I go to you know, I was so green and people would be like how long have you been acting? Because I didn't even know to memorize shit like I was awful awful And they like I just wasn't prepared like I didn't know what to do, right And they were like, how long have you been acting?

31:10And I'd be like, 10 minutes. I don't know, like since Tuesday? And they're like, how did you come to act? And I'm like, do you know Robert Altman? And their jaws would hit the ground, right? Yeah. And then so little by little, the casting directors would tell me to get my education on him. They're like, go watch this movie, go watch that movie, learn about who he is. Like, you can't name drop Robert Altman and not know who he is. I'm like, okay. So I started watching his stuff. And then this is the sad part. About four months later, we would, you know, again, we were playing phone tag prior to that.

31:48The next month that he called me back and it was always his assistant being like, Sarah, we've got Bobby for you. You know, please call us at your earliest convenience. I was too scared to call him back because I was so intimidated. Right. There was this man that I once conversed with so freely, but you know, ignorance is bliss. Once I was aware of his power and his gravity, I was like, oh my God, I don't know what to say to him. What is he doing talking to me? I'm nobody. So I was too scared to call him back. And then about three or four months after that, I found out he died. He had passed. So he was just my, he was meant to be just like my acting angel.

32:28He was my catalyst, that gave me the push that I needed to be here. Because he said, just because he said to you, you have what it takes, you should, you have something. And that was just enough for belief. That was enough for me to go home and research who he was and jump. That's amazing. But he never actually gave you a role in a movie or like opened a door and said, hey, or like in the sense that like, give this woman or girl a role. It was just that like that belief in you was enough. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, it's really cool. That is really cool. Yeah. So then, okay, so like talk about this book.

33:03So then it's called Life is Lifey. Yeah. And what prompted it? What kind of made you think, okay, now is the time to write a book? Yeah. So when I was getting my divorce, it was over COVID. And I thought I was going to write like a divorce manifesto or like a how-to divorce. divorce you know there's so many emotions that I was experiencing from like what do you do with the pictures on the wall like where does the ring go like how do you you know like what happens if I find his shirt you know what I mean like there were just so many things that I was going through that I didn't know what to do with or how to process or who to turn to because I was the first person of my friends to get a divorce really are they all now getting divorces Not all of them, but like a few of them did.

33:55Yeah, a few of them did. And so I thought I was going to write like a how-to divorce book and like what to do with the emotions as they come up. What do you do with the love? You know, because the love just doesn't disappear. Where does the love go that you still feel for the other person, you know? And then Sex Life and then the world kind of opened back up. This was all during COVID. And I was writing, writing, writing, writing. Then Sex Life started later that year. I went back to work. I shelved that for a while. And then in 2023, the actor's strike hit. And I wrote an article for Glamour magazine called Why Desire is Not a Dirty Word.

34:30And it went viral. And there were so many women that flocked to that article that thanked me for writing it that I was like, I wonder, like that gave me the confidence to be like, I think I might have a voice that people will listen to like as a writer. So I started working on the proposal and what I wanted it to feel like was like your favorite girl group chat. So like the girl group chat where you talk about where you bitch about your partner, you bitch about the kids, you bitch about like hormonal things and progesterone and changes in your body. You talk about fucking blowjobs. You talk about like, you know, dating.

35:13Like I wanted it to feel very expansive and I just wanted it to feel like a permission slip for anybody who wants like a second act that's better than the first. And that's a good way of saying it. Yeah. And so I was like, this is the, you know, it's the book for, you know, like what happens when you get the partner and the, or the marriage and you have the kids and you have the job, but you're not happy, right? And so, I mean, it speaks to a wide range of people, like the amount of 20-year-olds or like mothers who buy this book for their daughters, you know, who are in college or lost or they're listening to other people's opinions and they lose their sense of self.

35:53Like I get tons of those too. So it's not just for people who like have the dream, so to speak, and are not happy, but I just wanted it to hit a wide range of topics. and again, because I was put on such a platform with Sex Life, I wanted all my wisdom. Like, I refuse to believe that my pain is ever in vain. You know, it's like if I went through something, it was for a damn reason and I'm going to use my experience to help somebody else. May not necessarily mean that my wisdom is for them, but if I can inspire them to make a choice that feels more authentic to who they are, then I have purpose.

36:28Then that's my purpose. You know, it's like at the end of the day, we're all here just to walk each other home. I am no separate from you. I am no separate from you. I'm no separate from anybody. My ex-husband, my ex-partners, like my children, like anybody I come into contact with, we are all here for the purpose of this oneness, this togetherness, and we all go to the same place in the end. Yeah, we do. So it's like I just have really found such a very gratifying sense of purpose in inspiring people to be their most authentic selves. Yeah. And you'll see in the book, like the way the book is even formatted, it's like an encyclopedia.

37:06It's an encyclopedia of life. It's, you know, each chapter, each alphabet has two chapters, adulting, aging, blowjobs, boundaries. And for me, I feel like advice is not a one size fits all. So at the end of each chapter, there's a turn the mirror back on you section where I encourage the reader, like I take them through a series of really reflective questions so they can find their truth. Because I feel like in this age where, you know, Postmates tells us what to watch next, all the algorithms tell us what to order next. Or sorry, Postmates tell us what to eat next. All the streaming services tell us what to watch next.

37:47Raya tells us who to talk to next. It's like we've lost the ability to really, like, quiet the peanut gallery and to just check in with ourselves and to see what we need. and like I believe that the smartest person in the room is you and we just have to cultivate that relationship a little bit more so the questions at the end of each chapter are also designed to just quiet the monkey mind and to just get really really really focused on what you want you know and along the way it's you know funny stories sad stories yeah what has been like the most difficult thing about going through all of this stuff in public right like that's a really hard thing.

38:27You said yourself, like you're a public figure, husband, like, I mean, it's like people are asking you questions, you know? Yeah. The thing that I've learned and I've built up a healthy relationship with it all. You know, there's that great Dr. Seuss quote, those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. There was a period of time where I had to turn off my comments because people really like to talk out of the fucking sides of their mouths. People, without enough to do, they really love to interject their opinion on something when they have no idea what's going on. They don't know the backstory.

39:05You know, they just see something online or on Instagram. And like I said, they just are so fucking bored with their own lives. They just want to tell you how to live yours. So I had to develop some thick skin, you know, So there was a period of time where I really had to sort of disconnect from all of that stuff. And again, come to that belief that you do not matter to me. I do not care what you think. I know who I am. The person who lays her head down at night and looks at herself in the mirror, I'm really proud of who she is. Your useless opinion means nothing to me. So yeah, I have found a healthy disassociation with it.

39:49But like most people, I have human moments, you know, where I start to get a little vulnerable. I have to say with the breakup I experienced last year, there was a lot of fodder that came my way regarding that too. And I don't know if it did or not with him, but I actually was very touched by it all. Oh. Which was an interesting perspective to take because I was like, wow, this is so, even though it was like reliving the experience twice, you know, once personally in the moment, in the relationship as it's happening. and the news of it broke a little while long, a few weeks after. And it was like everywhere I turned, there was another comment, there was another picture, there was another article.

40:28And I was like, wow, this is actually very touching that this relationship meant so much to people that they were affected by the ending of it. And like, that's actually very sweet. So I was touched by it. That's a good, that's a really good perspective. I think it represented so much to people because of how they see themselves in that situation. Yeah. Yeah. I know the show really hit people in a very beautiful, vulnerable way. You know, it's like our love was very touching and represented a lot of hope for people. And, and it was, or they wish they had that. Yeah. It was, it was wish fulfillment.

41:07Right. And, and so that's why too, it's like when it ended and the comments that came in and the amount of attention that I got, I was like, oh, wow, like how flattering that my love that I had for this person or the love that we shared, you know, was felt on like this global level. Like that's really cool. When did you guys end the relationship? A year ago, you said? Yeah. A year. Are you dating anybody now?

41:38Dating is an interesting thing. Yes, let's talk about it, Sarah. It is an interesting thing. I am on Raya. I will say that. Do you like it? No. Because I haven't heard one person say they like it. No, I don't like it. I don't like it. And I'm actually on it less and less and less and less. It just feels so superficial. It just feels really superficial. And, you know, I think I have to be in a very surface type of mood to be on the app and enjoy being on the app. But for the most part, I'm somebody who enjoys, like, I'm not built for shallow connections. I'm not built for one night stands. I'm not built for casual, you know, that it's not fulfilling, like, the sacred soulful part of myself in any way.

42:22Right, right, right. So it's like, so I don't know how much longer I'll be on there. But yeah, it, whatever. Have you gone on any dates from there? I won't talk about that. Oh, you won't talk about that? Okay. Because I bet you get like, I can't even imagine. You must be inundated. Inundated? You know, I'm sure there are people who have a more full inbox than I do. But like, there's a lot of founders. There's a lot of snowboarders. There's a lot of like... Yeah, I'm just like, yeah, I'm so done with actors, by the way. Yeah, I was going to say, are you ever going to date an actor again? Uh-uh.

42:56I will never. No, you know what it is? is it's like actors are so fucking showy. They are so showy with their energy, with like their charm. And look, I have fallen prey to a lot of them. So it's not to say it doesn't work. But I also know that as an actor and using my time off to essentially build another career for myself, I know the majority of actors don't do that. So it's like they're waiting by the phone you know, they can be quite lazy and there's just no bigger turnoff for me than laziness. Totally agree. I don't like it. Like if all you do is wait for the phone to ring and work out, like that's all you do, you are so not for me.

43:44Like you got to be, go build a fucking house. Go fucking, go do something with that time off. Like, right. So it's like, I'm just like, and again, there is no judgment here because I know I'm going to say this and then someone's going to turn it into like, you know, me dissing somebody. I'm not, I'm not judging anybody. I just know for you, I am not going to be with somebody who was like just an actor. Like you have to have something else going on. Like life is too fun. Life is too inspirational to just sit around and not do anything and just wait for the phone to ring. Like, or go for hikes all day long.

44:24Like I fucking can't. Yeah. How can you go for hikes all day anyway? I mean, people can, I guess. You'd be surprised. Well, that's LA though. I think that LA is like very much a pseudo reality. Maybe that is. Yeah. But this is where I live. So that's what I know, you know? Exactly. But yeah. How about some founders? Would you go out with some founders? Depends on what they find. The majority of them have found fucking shit. They say they're a founder, but like. They're founded, but not much basically, you know? So it's like, sure. I love a good entrepreneur. Yeah. You know, it's like, I, I definitely see myself in that space.

44:59You know, I would, you know what I would love? I would love to find somebody that, cause I'm big into mental health. Yeah. I'm big into mental health. I'm big into like mental wellness and wanting to help people. I would love to find somebody who is equally attracted to that. And like, I could build either a wellness center with or a mental health podcast with. Like, I would love, like, to go into business with my partner, like somebody who is equally passionate about that and get, like, the guy's perspective, the female perspective. You know, I would love that. I would love that for me. Yeah.

45:33So, you know, you're putting it out there. Well, you come to the right place because this is, like, the world I'm in is very much about the wellness, health, entrepreneurial space. Oh, really? I didn't know that. Yes. That's literally like every word you just said is literally my world. Well, you heard it here first, folks. So there you go. Exactly. Put it out there. You couldn't have put it out to a more appropriate platform. Oh, incredible. Yeah. So like you don't have a podcast yet, but you would potentially do a podcast. Yeah, I would. I would. I would. I would do a podcast. I would build like a wellness center or like a retreat, or, you know, I've spoken at Canyon Ranch before.

46:13Yeah, you could do all that stuff. Yeah, like I would love to find, like these things really inspire me. Like I have found this space so interesting, and I'm such a natural student of it all, that, you know, to find somebody who felt that way and we could build something together is just very attractive to me.

46:38Did you know Americans spend an average of 90 % of their time indoors? But do you also know that indoor air can be up to 100 times more polluted than outdoor air? Well, you can breathe easy with Air Doctor, the award-winning air purifier that eliminates 99.99 % of dangerous contaminants like allergens, viruses, smoke, mold spores, gases, and so much more. Air Doctor was voted best air purifier by Newsweek, So it's no surprise that 98 % of Air Doctor customers agree their home air feels cleaner, safer, and healthier. Unlike other purifiers, Air Doctor captures invisible particles 100 times smaller than standard HEPA filters.

47:24So head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code HUSTLE40 to get up to$300 off today. And Air Doctor comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee, plus a three-year warranty, an$84 value. So get this exclusive podcast-only offer now at airdoctorpro.com. Use promo code HUSTLE40.

47:57So give me an example. I know when you walked in, we talked about like a healer, for example. But in the space of like wellness, there's a lot of different verticals, let's say, right? What exactly like do you really partake in? Like do you have like a particular wellness routine or, you know, like habits that you do? Like, I mean, yes, you love or you're very interested in mental health and mental wellness. But what do you do to make your mental health a priority? Yeah, every day can look a little different depending on where I'm at and what I need. You know, it's like I do have healers that I work with, but I'm on kind of a detox from all that stuff right now.

48:37Nature's a big thing for me. I'm outside every day doing something, whether it's going for walks, runs, connecting with trees, looking up at the sky. Like nature is just such a grounding thing for me that I have to be a part of it somehow. I have to be in the arms of Mother Nature in some respect. The other thing that I love is I love frequency music. Like every night. No. So it's like there's different hertz, like 444, 580. There's just different hertz of frequency music. And sometimes I'll fall asleep to it. Other times I might close my eyes and meditate to it. You know, other times meditation for me, I try to meditate every day.

49:25You know, some days I may not be able to just depending on what the needs of the kids are and my life looks like. But at least for about 15 minutes a day, whether it happens at morning or at night, sometimes it's just complete silence where I don't need any sort of stimulation and I'm just quiet. And I just let the thoughts come up. And I tell myself that, you know, like I am whole, like I don't need any sort of outside validation, like I am safe, like all of those things. I am love, everything that I need, am, it's already in me. It's not out there. Just let the thoughts come and go. Other times, if it's something I want to create for myself, then it's getting on the frequency of that creation.

50:07And then other times it could be something guided. And I also dance a lot. You do? Yeah. I believe that, you know, energy is just, or emotions are energy in motion, okay? And when an emotion, when you're feeling sad or you're feeling stuck or grief or whatever, It's just emotion that's stuck in the body. So dancing, running, any sort of movement, stretching. I will put my music on so loud in the house and I will dance until I smile. And that's really what it's become about is it's like, I talk about this in the book. I have a chapter called Follow Your Happy, which it's like when you don't know what to do or you're trying to reach for a better feeling emotion, it's kind of impossible to go from grief to external joy, right?

50:56So just reach for the next thing that feels just a tiny bit better. And you do that by following your happy. What makes you the tiniest bit happier in this next moment? Is it to dance? Is it to go for a drive? Is it to go get your nails done? Is it to have the extra cookie? Is it to call a friend? Is it to cancel on a friend? Is it to put on a funny show? Like what is it that can elevate you just a tiny bit? And in terms of our emotions, an emotion is only as big of a deal as we allow it to be. Something like joy is no more or less important than something like anger or grief or sadness. You know, it's like things are only as heavy as you make it.

51:32So whenever I'm experiencing an emotion that's not something I want to feel or feels contrasting, I don't ignore it and I don't push it away because I've learned that that only makes things come back tenfold. You can't sweep it under the rug and the only way out is in. So it's like, I really give myself that chance to sit with it and see what it's trying to tell me. Like, what is this pain trying to teach me right now about myself? Is it my self-worth? That's being questioned. I feel like I'm not good enough because, you know, someone didn't call me back or I didn't get the opportunity that I wanted or whatever it was.

52:06Like, is it self-worth? Is it love? Is it abandonment issues from childhood? You know, so it's like, I really sit with it. I try to figure out what it's there to teach me. And then I just kind of become the observer of the thought and tell myself a different story. I create a different narrative within myself. Right. You reframe what it is. I reframe what it is. I'll give you a great example. Whenever my ex and I broke up last year, you know, I think this interesting thing happens when you break up with a part or when a relationship ends where you start to romanticize the person, right? It's like everything, it's like you get amnesia and the last however many years just kind of you forget and the person has a halo over their heads.

52:45But in actuality, you didn't get there overnight, right? The signs were there for a while. It's like a downward slope. You're going on until finally you reach the bottom. But I found myself romanticizing. I found myself really missing. And I was like, and I would have to snap myself out of it. So what I did is I changed the narrative. Instead of it being about the relationship and about him, I made it about me. And anytime I'd have those thoughts, I'd go, wow, look at the depths of my heart. Look at how big my love is. Look at how courageous I am in love. Like my heart, my love makes me feel like I have wings.

53:23It makes me feel like I can fly. And that would make me cry because I'd be like, oh my God, heart, like you've taken care of me so many times and you've allowed me to feel such incredible things. And like, what greater privilege is it to have an organ that each time it breaks, it puts itself back together only to be stronger than it was before? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So I would turn the narrative around. And that helped me so much. So how can you tell? And I talk about all of this in the book. I was going to say, well, I like all of this is in the book. The book is kind of like a combo between a memoir.

54:04Yeah. And self-empowerment. And personal development and personal stories. It's like a mixture of all of them. But what you just said, these are things that a lot of people struggle with doing, right? Like what you just did right there and how you took the situation and reversed it. How did you learn to do that? Joe Dispenza. Oh, so someone kind of helped you. And I talk about it in here too. I talk about - You like Joe Dispenza. I love Joe Dispenza, Abraham Hicks. You know, we were talking about my friend Oliver, the spiritual activator. I have this woman named Shannon Quinn that is a manifesting coach that I've studied with for a while.

54:49I also talk about her in there. Like, I'm very upfront about, I don't like to covet my secrets. No, I very well you shouldn't. You know, it's like, no, I want to put the people that have helped me and the things that I've learned. like I am here to share, you know? So, um, so I, I also, I talk about it all in there too. Yeah. Bashar, you know, it's, yeah, I talk about all of it. What I like about that also is like, nobody gets anywhere without the help of others, right? Who are experts. Like it's like, it's impossible to just one day wake up. We are not here to live as an island unto ourselves.

55:26You know, we're human beings. We are souls having this human experience connecting to one another. Right. You know, even like my acting coach, like I have an acting coach, Dino, like I adore him. You know what I mean? So it's like I am so upfront about all the teachers and the people who have helped me pave my path because it's like I would want somebody to share with me. 100 percent. And like you and you're seeking out people who are really good in that one area to help you move your needle. Or they really resonate with me. Right. You know what I mean? It's like they may not be for everybody and that's fine, but you never know until you try.

55:58You never know unless you try, right? It was the worst that could happen. You don't like them? Then go to someone else. No, a hundred percent. So like you've learned so much from this one breakup. It sounds like you've had to do a lot of healing. I've learned a lot from both. You know, it's like, I got my PhD in pain from my divorce. You know, I felt like, you know, it's like, I just remember looking at the pieces of my life were shattered on the floor. And I'm like, how the hell do I put this back together. Like seeing, you know, his wet signature on the divorce papers. It's like somebody dropped a piano on my toe.

56:37You know what I mean? It's like, you know, again, even though this was the best thing for both people involved, for the children, it was the right thing. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell. Well, you were together for how many years? 18, 20 years? That's a long time. Yeah, we grew up together with children. And what a privilege. You know, It's like it's not a failure to be with somebody for that long of a time to create children. What a success. That is. So I never understood why people see the fact that if a marriage breaks up over a long period of time, that isn't a failure. That's a win.

57:11I think it's because we, you know, again, I feel like it's because we've really bought into this idea that there's one person for the rest of our lives, you know, and it's become such a societal construct that we have all bought into. And look, I did too, you know. And I would still love to find somebody that I could be with that one person for the rest of our lives. And we could, you know, die and be buried on top of each other and come back as ghosts and haunt people in the next lifetime. I have a very deep and loyal definition of how I love. And, you know, when you get married, you're not planning your divorce.

57:46You think you're going to be with somebody forever. And there's something very beautiful in that. But at the same time, I feel like when it's time to call it quits, a lot of times we are afraid to because we are connected to this one story when that story may not be the best for us. No, exactly. It's that disconnection is very difficult, right? Yeah, it's hard. And I, you know, tell people who are questioning that time in their lives and, you know, to just be, give yourself grace. Give yourself grace. You give yourself grace. You trust. You show up authentically. That's another big thing. It's like in order to get to where you're meant to go, you have to show up authentically.

58:26You can't show up as a version of yourself that's not true. You can't pretend. And even though you might lose people along the way, even though it's going to be hard, even though it takes practice and it's scary to go against what you've always done, that's the only way you're going to get to live out your truth. Yes, I totally agree with you. Like, do you, what's like, what's like your, like in the next, now we're not going to, I know it's all about being in the moment with you and being authentic, but like if you could foreshadow the next couple of years of your life, what would it be like? Do you want to be in a relationship again?

59:00Do you want to be alone? Yeah, I would love to. I would love to be in a relationship again. I definitely, you know, I've learned so much about myself in this last little over a year now of being really single and what it means to sit with myself. Like I know how I move. I know what my nervous system feels like. I know my warmth. I know my soft and I know my fire, right? Like I know there are parts of myself in the past that I subdued because of my relationships in the past. And now getting this year to really explore what my femininity looks like, you know, how I operate in the world, I'm not going to do that again.

59:37I'm not going to dim my flame because it makes someone else uncomfortable. It doesn't mean I'm going to go and like, you know, fuck everybody. That's not what I'm getting at here. I'm just saying there were natural parts of how I operated in the world, of how I burned, of how my fire would show up, my spark would show up that made relationships in the past uncomfortable. And so in order to keep them safe, I pulled back. And so it's like, I'm not willing to do that anymore because now I've had over a year of practicing what it feels like. And it feels really great to be me. Did it feel strange, though, to be single when you haven't been single for your whole, you know what I mean, for so, so long?

1:00:16I mean, I was chasing anything with a dick when it first happened. Really? None of it worked out. None of it worked out, right. None of it worked out. And there was a reason why. And now looking back, I'm like, oh, my God, I am so happy none of that worked out. I am so happy all of those people ghosted me. Like, I didn't even get a chance to, like, go out on dates for the longest time. Like, I've had two dates in over a year. Isn't that crazy? Like, looking at you, I would never think that. Well, thanks for saying that. No, well, I'm sure anyone listening to this is like, huh? Thanks for saying that.

1:00:47But, you know, it's just a combo, right? Of, like, you know, I'm a hard sell to begin with, right? What? Like, yeah, like, I don't like a lot of people. Okay, that's just— But then they're a hard sell. You're not a hard sell. Okay, so they're a hard sell. Yeah, they're a hard sell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's hard to break me down. And it's hard to get my interest. Yes. Okay, that's fair. Because I'm not physically motivated. Yeah, I understand that. There has to be, like, yes, of course, the physical for me, there has to be an attraction. Of course. But, like, I am more mentally stimulated. So if those two things are not present, I am just not here for a coffee date.

1:01:24100%. I don't care. It's a waste of my time. I'd rather be alone. I'd rather read. I'd rather do a Joe Dispenza meditation. or go sit in a sound bath or a sauna. Like, I just don't care. Or hang at home with my kids. Like, I don't give a fuck. So I'm not one of those that's like, oh, try it out, see what happens. Nah, nah. I agree. So, yeah. But yeah, I would love to continue to build like my brand in this space, which is a new space for me. You know, the acting and, you know, Paradise Season 2 is coming out. We're about to start our Season 3. I have a couple other projects that I've written that are in development.

1:02:00Oh, yeah? Yeah, so I'd love those to start up. I founded a production company called The School for Women, which I'm very excited about. And all my projects that I do there, like Life is Lifey, I'm actually looking to option that into a series right now. I have another story called The Texas Tornado that Warner Brothers is interested. We'll see. We're in the process of making the deal. It's all about the first ever female lawyer in Texas in the 1960s. and she was very radical in what she did. Anyway, but yeah, so those will all be produced under the School of Women, the School for Women. And that's the basis of that company is, again, it's meant to inspire, uplift, like every project, the motivating, inspirational force behind it will be encouraging women to be their most authentic selves.

1:02:48I love that you say that also. And yes, sorry, one more thing. And I am looking for somebody. I am looking for somebody. I'm going to put that out there. I want somebody, like, I'm not looking for anything serious right now. Like, I don't know if I should talk to a character. Yeah, go talk right there. I don't want anything serious right now because I'm busy and I don't want something that's like a daily thing. But I would love to meet somebody that has the potential and it can grow into something like long term. But, you know, for now, just have like really hot vacations and, you know, the occasional dates when we have time.

1:03:23And we'll do like younger, older. Like, Like, what's your type? I mean, we know what Adam looks like. You know, you haven't said his name, so I don't know if I'm even allowed to say his name because you say my ex. But is that your physical type? Or just so happen you had a lot of chemistry. But what is your type? Like, if you can kind of pick somebody, besides the fact you don't want them to be lazy, you want them to have interest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a lot going. Yeah, you want them to, like, you know, have, like, other shit going on. You don't want them to be an actor. I think if you line up the people I've been connected to, you'd see there are some similarities.

1:03:54there are some similarities. You know, it's like I want somebody who takes care of themselves, who looks a certain way. Because these are things that I do as well, right? No, 100%. So yeah, I'm 5 '4", but like I'm little, I'm fun size, but my energy is very big. So, you know. Is that, have you found that to be a hindrance or a benefit when you date people? I don't know. I haven't thought about it one way or another. It's all worked out in the end. It's all worked out. But what I'm saying is, we are living in a world where you said yourself, like people want to shrink people to make themselves feel better.

1:04:30And when you have a big personality, you know what I mean? So I guess what happens, and I'm sure a lot of women can resonate with this, or even men, I don't, yeah, possibly, is that, you know, when you first meet somebody, you're so attracted to that spark that they have. And then over time, when you want to own them, when you want to, you know, settle down into a more domestic style. Those things that you loved make you feel insecure and you don't like that anymore, you know? So it's like, but it's just a means to control is all it is. It's a way to control. It's an insecurity. And, you know, it's like I'm somebody who done a lot of work on myself.

1:05:10I'm not insecure. I mean, sure. I'm not going to say I'm not insecure because that's not true. I am positive there will be moments that I will be triggered, but I know if I'm triggered with insecurity, that's something on my side of the street to clean up. That has nothing to do with them. So I will never put that on a partner. That's for me to look at. Right. So yeah, like I'm just not, I, I don't, I, and I want my partner to feel the same. Right. So I was talking more of the opposite, right? Like how the, how these guys, like you're talking about guys, right? We're talking about dating people who are successful, obviously who have like the pedigree that just say yeah on paper that would be the kind of person you want to date a lot of times and I've noticed those guys want a very specific type of girl who is much more demure and like you know like that type of like I don't know I mean I don't like that's what I'm saying yeah I don't know I mean I can be demure like I have you know as women we all are so multifaceted and we all have whatever like I'm definitely you know in a in a crowd of people.

1:06:12I'm not the one that's the loudest. I will tell you that. Like I prefer, like I'm, I'm a, I'm a, like all my friends who know me and even my, you know, past partners and whatever. I am a loner who loves people. Yes. That's how I would describe myself too. Yeah. I am a loner. I love intimate things. I don't love being the center of attention. Right. It's different if I'm working or if I'm in front of a camera, it's very different. But other than that, I can go out and not even say a word to anybody and feel very fulfilled. Yeah. So I'm not like showy in that sense. But at the same time, when that Aries rising gets ignited, like nothing's going to stop it.

1:06:48So I don't know. I love it. You're actually a breath of fresh air in the space of entertainment. Like I will say for women, no, like who are actresses, you seem very chill and like down to earth and not very self. Thanks for saying that. No, it's true. I think a lot of that came from my upbringing, too. Like, I had a dad who held a gun in my head when I was six. You know, I talk about all this in the book. My mom and I were in and out of women's shelters. You know, it's like we grew up middle to low class. Everything I've ever earned in life, I have had to work for. You know, my life has not been a basket—or it has not been a walk in the park.

1:07:25No. You know, so it's like I've been through a lot of shit. Like, I feel like I've already led nine lives, you know? I had home births with my children. You know, I had twins. Like, my son was born breached. Like, I don't know. It's like, like, not that that's like a bad thing or anything. I'm just saying like, I have, um, you've lived, I've lived, I have, I've been to battle, you know what I mean? And so it's like, and I've come out on the other side, realizing that none of this is important. None of this is important. If you strip all of this away, who are you? You know? And I've gotten into a place in my life where it's like, I really, I like who I am.

1:08:04You know, the process of the book, like acting, all of that stuff, it could go away tomorrow. Like nothing in here would change. You know, it doesn't define me. It doesn't. That's what I say. You're not just an actress. You are all these, a mom, this, all that. Like, I think that you do have like a whole, I think you have a career in all of this mental health, you know. I hope so, you know. And I also just believe too, like as women, you know, it's like we are, we're the Madonna and the whore. Yeah. Right. We're the saint and the sinner. Like I refuse to believe that after kids, we can't embrace our femininity in the way that we used to pre-kids.

1:08:43Like I feel hornier than ever these days. Right. Good for you. It's like, I am more, I listen to my body more. I'm more in tune with my body more. I know how, like how I like to move and I know what gets me going. Like I just, I, Yeah, that's the thing is I've really come to accept who we are while being wives and mothers and all those other things. Totally. Life only gets better if you choose that. It's a decision, basically. It is. It's a decision. Yeah. So then end with this, then. What other stuff do you do daily? Okay, we know you meditate. We know that you like this out. I dance. You dance.

1:09:23It's a great one. That's a great one. Yeah, I literally, I have a Bronco. I put my top down every fucking day. I blast my music. I let my hair go wild and I feel free. And for me, there's something about that that is so like freeing and calming to my nervous system. So the thing is, it's like, you know, being a mom, being an actress, being in this field, whatever, navigating, dating, all that other bullshit. It's like your nervous system can get pretty activated. I also have three dogs, they fight, like whatever. So it's like, I look, I, when I, I look for those moments where I can downgrade, you know, and they come in a lot of different forms, even if it's going to a coffee shop for an hour before school pickup and putting in my AirPods and listening to a Joe Dispenza talk about how to regulate your nervous system.

1:10:16Like I have all these spiritual teachers of whom I listen to their videos when I feel inspired to. The frequency music is a big thing. That's a great one. I haven't heard—is that similar also to brown music, white music? Oh, like the white noise? Yeah, brown noise, white noise, or no? Yes. I mean, I know what that is, and that feels like—I don't know if it's the same thing or not. I don't know if it's the same thing. But like if you look up, if you, if you, there's an app called Brainwaves, you can also look it up on YouTube. But you, you put in like frequency music and certain frequencies are supposed to help encourage certain things within your body.

1:10:58Because everything is energy. Everything is energy. Yeah. Everything is energy. I love that. I'm actually going to try that. Yeah, go for it. Yeah. And there's, there, some of it's binaural. So it activates better if you put ear pods on or headphones on. Like Calm. Have you heard of Calm? Yes, I have heard of Calm. Calm, I think, is more meditative, right? It's more meditations? Yeah. Or is there music? Well, it's all very loud. So it's like you basically put it on your headset. And it's like different. They're 20 minutes. It's super loud. It's like, it's a different. I think it's called, yeah.

1:11:34Look up brainwaves. Okay. I'm curious. Look up brainwaves. There's also some it's called, I think it's called isotonic, where you don't need the headphones for it. it just will activate whatever. But yeah, there's this one called Fearless Awakening that starts off with these chimes and it's 17 minutes long. And every time I listen to that, I just start crying. There's something about that. And then also just being in gratitude. You know, it's like, I don't have a gratitude journal per se, but if when I'm having like a really off day, I quickly am like listing things that I'm grateful for. And it helps, you know, and it's just, it, But it's a reminder.

1:12:12It's a reminder that at the end of the day, it's all gravy. Like it's all just icing on the cake because we're here. Because we're experiencing it. You know, like one of the things that I go back to, like I'm like, you know what? This problem, whatever it is, it's not that big of a deal because everybody I love woke up today. Yeah, it's true. That's a great perspective. That's not guaranteed. No. And by the way, I'm going to leave it on this very shallow note. Are you not wearing a stitch of makeup right now? No, I'm wearing makeup. No, you're not. Yes, I am. I have mascara on. Oh, give me. On your face.

1:12:47No, no, no. Like, how are you? It's the peptides, man. It's the GHQU, whatever. Yeah, the Wolverine's Daffer. Yeah, I'm really into that. Okay, what else are you taking? Are you on any other supplements or? I take progesterone. You do take progesterone, okay. And I talk about it in the book. Like, I talk about all my secrets are in the book. Okay, I want to know a few right now. Testosterone? I'm like, yeah, I just got on that recently too, which I really love because I feel like that's just been really good for my energy. And then progesterone, I started a few years ago and I really love that.

1:13:20I really think that's the trick to like really good skin and like plump and whatever because it's the happy hormone. You know, it also just helps everything flow down there, helps regulate all your hormones. When your progesterone is off, it's like everything is off. Your sleep, like all of it. And then I'm also really big every six weeks or so. I do something insane to my face. Like I blast it with a torch pretty much. I have these two facialists that I swear by, Cynthia Franco. You can find her on Instagram and Dr. Ellie. You can also find her on Instagram. Dr. Ellie is a Korean acupuncturist who has all the machines from Korea.

1:13:56She literally puts things on my face that like make my cheeks like move up. Like it's like some weird stimulation thing where you're just like, what is, you feel like you're being zapped for an hour, but my God, does it work? And we also do more invasive stuff and we do the salmon. Yeah. She like, she created that. Like that's how OG she is. She's the one who created that like over 12 years ago and did it on the Kardashians. And then Cynthia, she does soft wave. She does soft wave, but I go for her. I go to her for like every two weeks for just like facials, but they are intense facials with like lymphatic.

1:14:32And she does this electromagnetic magnetic thing with gloves. And it's like over time, you do that enough times, you know, it's like, yeah, your skin gets used to reacting that way. So those are a big part of my beauty. Yeah. I'll send it to you on Instagram. Okay. And tell both of them I sent you. Absolutely. Because I mean, as we're talking, I'm like, damn, what is she doing for her face? Oh my God. You're so sweet. And I do think those peptides make a difference because, you know, you're supposed to cycle off, right? Yeah. Anytime I'm on my off cycle, I can so see a difference. I'm like, oh my God, Really?

1:15:03I'm like, I'm calling my doctor, my hormone doctor. I'm like, when can I get back on? He's like, give it the month. I'm like, can I do three weeks? Are you serious? Who's your hormone doctor? Dr. Asandra, Chris Asandra. Yeah, I know who he is. Yeah. Go to him. He's amazing. Yeah. A lot of my friends go to him. He's popular. He's great. He's very popular. We live in a great time, you know? We live in a great time where it's like, look, there's no point in trying to out-cute the kittens. Okay. Like I talk about it in there, in my aging chapter. It's like, there is no point in trying to pretend like you're 45 and you want to look like you're 20.

1:15:38That is a losing battle and actually think it makes you look older. Yeah, it does. Right. So it's like, there's no point in doing that, but we do live in a really wonderful age time. We live in a wonderful time and era where we have a lot of things at our disposal. And if you do your research and you have the means, you really can just kind of preserve and slow things down. But it's also important to do that internally too. You know, it's not just external, right? It's important to biologically also do that. So it's an exciting era we live in. It really is. Look at you. All these tips and tricks.

1:16:13I'm like so excited. By the way, I should have taken a notepad and written notes down. Well, you got the audio. I was going to say, I'm going to have to go back and like literally listen to all the doctors. Well, text me anytime. Text me anytime. I'm happy to tell you all of it again. I want those. I want the estheticians. I want all of this information. Yeah, I'll send it all to you. You guys have to get this book. I'm telling you, life is lifey. There's so many. There's, and there are all these like nice little trips and tricks. It's also available on audiobook. Oh yes, on the audiobook as well.

1:16:41Yeah, we've made a couple bestsellers lists, which I'm very proud of. Which ones have you made? Wall Street? I made LA Times. No, I want to make more. So if you know anybody. We made LA Times and USA Today. Okay, that's still great. Yeah, it's great. Right. I mean, I never expected to make one of them, considering this was a book. Like, my whole team at one point three years ago, they were like, you don't have a voice, you shouldn't write. They said that to you? Maybe you should change the team. I did. Okay, good. That's not a very good team. Yeah. Yeah. That's not like Robert Altman who said, I think you have something.

1:17:11No. That's a really bad catalyst there. This was the team that was, like, freaking out when I was turning down all that procedural work. Yes, of course. Yeah. Yes, because it's like money in their pocket, short term. Yes, I get it. And Sarah Shahi, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you so much for having me. This has been such a pleasure. No, it's been my pleasure, honestly. Like I've loved you from afar for a couple of years. So I'm glad that we actually got this happening. So thank you. Me too. And I'm happy to make a new connection. This feels good. This is amazing. Okay, guys, go check out Life is Lifey with Sarah Shahi's book.

1:17:44And you guys will not be disappointed. Thank you. Of course. Bye.

1:17:52Thank you.