Episode 546: How to Engage Your Kids Into Conversations Without Losing Your Temper

0:01Hi, guys. It's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it. Hi, everybody. Welcome to Habits and Hustle. We are going to be diving into a topic today that is near, very near and dear to my heart, and that is children and how to talk to them effectively. Basically, how to talk to your kids. So if you're somebody who doesn't have a kid, this episode may not be for you. But if you have a niece or a nephew or a cousin, and you want to learn some really easy strategies to talk with them and connect with them in a deeper way, listen to this episode. Because I will tell you something.

0:46I have two kids. I have an eight-year-old and a 10-year-old. And a lot of it has, for me, has been a lot of trial and error. And I'm fortunate enough because of what I do for a living, I get to speak to some of the most amazing experts in the world. Some of the best, some of the best psychologists, some of the best behaviorists. And so when I learn something, of course, like a guinea pig, I go and try it out. So some of these things that we're going to talk about are things that I've noticed have really improved my, not just my communication with my kids, but our level of depth in our relationship.

1:24Because it's so important to me and I'm always like trying to research and figure out ways to do this. And the first thing I want to talk about is when I want my kids to open up to me, number one, I try to be an active listener. When I say that, I want to make sure that my phone is away, I'm paying attention, I'm making eye contact. Because what I think happens so often, because I've been someone who's done this so often and my friends do it, When you're a working mom and you have a million things going on and you're working on like a bunch of stuff, it's really easy just to be dismissive of your kid when they want to talk to you or when you are spending time with them.

2:07What happens a lot of times is you're kind of half-assing it. Like they're around and you think because they're around you that you're actually spending quality time. But actually, that's not true. So what I like to think is very effective is when you set aside dedicated time for you and your kid to spend with each other. So you actually create a set time, not just like loosey-goosey, but a dedicated time. And you have your phone away, and you are really paying attention, and you are locked in. And I think that kids feel that energy. And I think that even if it's not super often, like even if it's like 20 minutes or 10 minutes a day, when you have that real time when you are paying full 130 % attention on them, they actually feel that versus being around all the time but not really paying attention.

3:06So my first thing is dedicate an allotted amount of time, actively pay attention and listen by, like I said, putting your phone away, making eye contact and not interrupting when they actually speak. because to me, what I find is I get the most information when I don't say a word and they just talk. And I also find that when you're placing, when you're doing this in environments that make them comfortable, it's so important. Some of my best conversations actually with my kids have been when I'm driving them to school in the morning or when I'm putting them to bed at night, right? Because their guard is down and that's when they really feel like they can open up.

3:51So that's a few little things. The other thing I wanted to talk about is making sure when your kids are talking to you that you ask them open-ended questions. Like that to me has been a big game changer. Like don't just ask them, how was school? Because if your kid is like mine, you're going to get a fine. Or what did you learn today? Nothing. That's what I get. But then when I'm much more specific, I started to do this thing where I say to my kids, what was your rose today and what was your thorn? And that way the rose is like the best moment of your day and the thorn is like the worst moment.

4:30But then you start under, A, you get to know what your kid's doing all day or like where their attention is. And then like it opens up a dialogue. So for me, those things have been very effective. And the other thing is that I found to be really impactful is when I share my own experiences with things. So I tell stories about things when, you know, when I relate back to maybe what they're going through based on like some of the memories I have, but how things were with me or stories about me. And I like to talk to my kids kind of like they're like mini adults. I'm not a big baby talker. I think baby talking is like a terrible way and sets a bad precedent, but I talk to them like they're like mini adults.

5:15and kind of like my kids are always saying to me now, by the way, I should say, Shani's here. Sorry, I'm here. I just don't have kids. I mean, I was a kid. I am a kid. She's basically still a kid. But I don't have them. 31, you know, my birthday was on 1010. Oh, yeah. I said, I wish you a happy birthday. Yes, I do remember that. But she doesn't have any kids. So I'm just going to be riffing here. But, you know, she's nodding on the side. But I think that anyway, I just wanted to kind of make notice. Well, I'll say your kids are very smart and it makes sense that you don't baby talk to them much.

5:46And I do notice a difference in my friends' kids who do baby talk to their kids. Really? Versus the kids who have been just spoken to as normal people like forever. You can tell they're sharper. They use more complete sentences. And I think that they, like your kids will engage with me on ridiculous topics. Well, because I think to your point, it's because I never treated them like babies. Again, I'm very age appropriate. I don't talk, I don't swear or anything like that. don't get me wrong. Although sometimes I don't want to swear. But what I mean is I talk to them like they're like little people, not like little babies.

6:20I'm not big with the coddling. You know, that's just me. I believe there's a whole thing here on Coddle Culture, which is a whole other podcast altogether. But I believe in not coddling my kids, giving them free reign to be independent. What I mean by that is, you know, I don't, I'm not a helicopter parent. By the way, I'm no psychologist. I'm not claiming to be. And these are my tips that worked for me. I just want to make that clear. I'm not saying this is how you should be parenting your kid, or this is some things that you absolutely have to do. All I'm saying is I'm not the guru. I'm just a person here who's tried out a lot of different tactics and through trial and error, through speaking to some of the best people in the world, these are some of the things that they said I should attempt and try.

7:06And I'm now sharing with you the things that I found to be really helpful. So what else was I going to say? The open-ended questions are really, really big. Choosing an environment, like places, like sharing my own experiences, picking environments where the kids feel comfortable to open up and they're like, feel safe. Get your phone away from the conversation. And really like the dedicated time makes kids feel super special of notice. And like I do, what I do is I take, I'm like, you know, I'll take one of them each time a month for dinner by themselves or take one for ice cream or take, you know what I mean?

7:45Like you make these little special moments and I think kids remember those things. So the other one is be patient and calm. That is really hard for me. I have it written down here. Be patient and calm because it's really hard to lose your shit, especially when you got a lot on your mind. And if we can take a beat and a moment and just take a deep breath or walk away and then come back, I find that to be way more effective than yelling. I find when I've done that many times, my kids get super anxious. It doesn't get me anywhere. I get unhappy and it actually ends up making things worse. So taking a breather, walking away if you have to and coming right back and then approaching a situation with more calmness and being patient really gives your kid that feeling of being comfortable and close.

8:42So I think those are my top. Those are the ones I really strongly believe in. Give them a shot if you have a kid. Shani, I know you, like I said, you don't have any kids, but do you want to add anything to that? I will say being around kids during this time has been really refreshing for me just because obviously you can't really bring them like the, you know, the gruesome bad news of everything. But what I have seen a lot of parents do is just kind of explain to their kids, like, you know, certain things that are going on and sort of getting them involved to a general degree of just like feeling part of the community and doing things like that.

9:14And I think that's really awesome. But I think kids, kids are smart. Kids are even smarter now than they ever have been before. And they will see through things. I think kids are super intuitive and they are, they feel when things are real and authentic versus not. 100%. I want to just make one more comment and then we can like, you know, close this out. That when I was saying, I want my kids to have a feeling of independence. What I mean by that also is like kind of respecting your children's boundaries. You know, like I think that is really, really important because if that's what I meant, but not being a helicopter mom, right?

9:47I think that it seems like trite or silly, but I do believe that also creates more confident, bold, bold, hear that? We haven't used that word in so long. Independent, I know, independent children. Wait, that's really important, by the way. Physical boundaries especially, I think, are really important to give your kids autonomy over that from a young age to develop those skills of being able to say, no, I don't want a hug, and being respected for that, I think is actually really valuable. It's a lesson that I feel like a lot of people in my generation wish that they would have learned. Oh, gosh.

10:21Okay, that's really fun. I want to say one funny story. Not funny, kind of funny, I guess, just annoying. You become funnier than what's happening now? I have, yeah, right. I have this friend right now, a friend, who always like forces her kids to like give me a hug and a kiss when they see me. Like, go give Jennifer a kiss. And she's like, the kid is so awkward and uncomfortable. And they're like, go give her a hug and a kiss. Give Dylan a hug and a kiss. Give, you know, Noah. Give the whole family. And she's like so uncomfortable. And it makes me uncomfortable. The kid's uncomfortable. And I'm like, lady, I'm not going to say her name.

10:52Like, chill out. Like, I don't need the hug and kiss. And like the kid's doing it because she feels uncomfortable. It's like such a bad, weird, awkward, like just dynamic. It's just bad. It's like a weird thing. Don't do that. You're teaching your kid that they can't say no to physical things. Like it's really a negative mentality to instill. And like no one should have to feel like they have to do things. Like there's no right or wrong greeting. In Japan, you bow. Do you know what I mean? In France, you kiss both cheeks. Right. In Italy, I think you kiss three. Like greetings are different everywhere.

11:24Here we have handshakes for business meetings. Like I think whatever greeting you're comfortable with in today's 2023, you should be able to use. And that includes kids. I like that. We're going to end with that. By the way, please leave a comment. Let me know what you think. If you have any suggestions beyond what we just talked about. If you're someone who's a parent and you've had the strategy that worked, let me know. Please. I'd love it. I'd love to know. and please leave a review because it really helps. I always forget to tell people that. So I'm telling you guys now. Thank you. Bye.