Episode 563: Sadia Khan: The Modern Relationship Advice Your Therapist Got Wrong

24:14But if I posted like a nude or like these OnlyFans girls, they make you 100 million a year, some of them. Oh, crazy. Crazy amount. So it just shows that men are not donating that money to charity. They're only donating that money when it's attached to a woman that they want to have sex with. So, which is totally fine. But here's where they kid themselves. Men, it would make total sense if they're like, she's using me for my money, no problem. But they kid themselves into thinking she's in love with him and she's loyal to him. And it's such a form of insanity that I just can't believe it. I have to sit there.

24:47How do I not like burst out laughing? Oh, no, I don't. They genuinely believe it. And they think, oh, because, you know, I look after her. Of course she loves me. Or I look great for my age. I'm this, I'm that. I'm like, really? You think that this 22-year-old girl is going to be with a 60-year-old man, really? if she didn't have to be, if you weren't paying her? They always say, the sentences, I look so young for my age. You might look young for a 50-year-old, but you still don't look 26, and you're nowhere near it. So it's that delusional mentality. One thing I would say, and I have to understand men in this, is as women age, and I can see this even with my own experience, our happiness level just naturally decreases with time and with effort and energy and everything like that.

25:27And we genuinely start to get more and more annoyed with men. We get annoyed with men with age. It happens. When you're younger, you're a lot happier as well. So I do understand that element. I've heard that too. I've heard men say, well, they're so much easier. They're more fun. They're happier. They don't have a care. They don't have a care in the world, right? Which I understand. So if you're going into these transactional relationships saying she's really beautiful, she's got a beautiful body, and she's using me for my finances, she'll probably cheat on me, and she'll probably use me, no problem.

25:54But I don't make her the mother of my kids, and I don't get married to her. No problem. But if you're going to try and have a family with her, and you try and get married to her, and then you're shocked when you're now served divorce papers and she's stealing on your money. How can you be the victim in that? And they'll say, she's a narcissist. I gave her everything. She lied to me. She was cheating on me the whole time. She's not a narcissist. You knew exactly what you were signing up for. So my advice to men in that position is enjoy every moment of being with this beautiful young girl. Just don't commit to that situation, but they want to.

26:24They really want to get used and abused, so you can't save them, unfortunately. I know. Why do they want to get used and abused? Is it more of, is it an ego thing? Is it more for, because of an insecurity? Like what is like these, some of these people are doing it are very smart, very like self-aware and they're still going through it and they still have the delusion, right? It really depends. Again, it's a question in my book, how they grew up. And I don't mean childhood. I don't mean parents. I mean more, were they attractive? Now men who grew up super attractive, what happens to them is they start to see all women kind of available.

26:56They feel like they can access all types of women. They don't see it as like, they don't put women's beauty on a pedestal. They've always had it their whole life. So they kind of are just with women who are good to them. So really attractive men will focus on who they have a lot in common with, who treats them well, and just who they can raise a family with. That's what attractive men who grew up attractive their whole life will think. A bit like Tony Robbins. You'll see his wife, perfect kind of match for him. Like it makes sense. You look at them and it makes sense. Or like Lewis Howes, all these people, you can tell that they've chosen women that make sense for them.

27:26Men who never grew up. Who are age-appropriate, who are like, yeah. Cognitively appropriate, all of those things. Appropriate. The main thing is they know that they can have children with that woman. And if that child turned out like the woman, they'd be over the mood. She's got great characteristics. What men who grew up without looks did is that firstly, they put women's appearance on a pedestal because they could never access it. So they think beautiful women are the key to happiness because they never got access to it. The other thing that happens with those men is when they do finally get with a beautiful woman, they become extremely submissive.

27:57They have no boundaries left whatsoever. They're just so proud of themselves that they got her, that they don't care how she treats them in private, as long as publicly they look like they've got her. So it's really about their sexual confidence, especially when they're growing up, and also their sexual confidence in general. And I know, I don't like to use the term, but you know that big D energy or whatever it is, men with small energy will need a woman to make them look like a man men with big dick energy will they are the man themselves the woman is just an accessory like it's not like as in not in that way but she's just an add-on whereas for a man without that energy she is the everything so that's why they get a little bit more attached it's actually if you really if i think about if i go back if i go through my head and people i know i find that to be so accurate sadly yeah it's so accurate that's why this is what i'm saying like so much of your stuff like i i've read and i'm like wow that's so spot on like it's so accurate if you really take a step back and think about it it's amazing so thank you no it's amazing i have like okay so let's just go over some stuff here because let's just talk let's go let's go to the basics here like what are the foundations of a healthy relationship let's start with that yeah because then we're going everywhere and i didn't even ask you the first question to kind of go into everything yeah but tell me what those are well the green flags I talk about is the first thing is there has to be mutual attraction.

29:17The foundation to any healthy relationship is mutual attraction. If it's one way, she's more attracted to him or he's more attracted to her, unfortunately it causes a power imbalance. Attraction has far more of an implication on the relationship than we realize. If one person is far more heavily attracted to the other or they're not attracted to each other at all, they'll either go into siblings where they're just kind of roommates or it will be really submissive because the person who wants the relationship more will be begging and clawing for love. So mutual attraction is really important, which is why honesty is really important throughout your marriage.

29:48So as you're losing attraction, you talk about it, you try and improve it, you do whatever it is. You keep on top of yourself if you can, especially now where men have access to porn and all this stuff. It's better to try and keep that intimacy as much as possible. So always start with mutual attraction. Second thing I would say is try and look for people who have good work ethic. I know there's this big like thing that masculine men want a housewife and they want all of that. My personal experience and working with so many clients and you've seen it even in my own life. Back in the day, maybe not working was fine as women because we'd kept busy with our tribe of other housewives and we'd cook from scratch and we would be busy.

30:22Now, if women don't have a work or a purpose, what happens is it's very easy to get depressed. You're always scrolling. You always feed negative media. Life when you're not busy is a really ugly one now. We have TV shows where a little bit better because at least you'd have to concentrate and be now just constant short form content with terrible messaging an unvisy life is really difficult so we're and also your brain is not designed to be unvisy we're designed to be problem solving the more problem solving we are the more happy we are is there's no other solution to it so if she's just at home or you're just a high value man and by bringing her everything she will start to lose her purpose and she'll blame you for why she's depressed and the relationship will start to plummet so always choose people with good work ethic, men and women.

31:04Men, it's a given. You need a man with good work ethic. But I would say both people need good work ethic if you want a good foundation of a relationship. The third thing I would say is try and look for people with similar families. And I don't mean if you're dysfunctional, you need a dysfunctional one, but they have some level of similarity in their upbringing. The reason I say that is if someone's had really, really toxic upbringing and somebody's had a really healthy upbringing, the healthy person will talk to them in their healthy language and the toxic person will talk to them in their toxic language and they don't understand each other.

31:33They're literally speaking a different language. In good circumstances, a healthy person can make that the person who grew up toxic in a healthy environment, but it's a lot of work for them. So if you did grow up somewhat stable, try and look for stability if you can. It's really difficult becoming a therapist in your relationship. It's super, super difficult. And it's really difficult when their family hates your family and it's just not a nice environment for raising kids in. So if you can choose family that relatively get on or similar to some extent that helps and the final thing sorry i'm going on and on but the final thing i would say the fourth thing is having similar values and what i mean by similar values is we agree fundamentally on the main things what's right and wrong so if i think it's right for my child to be transgender and you think it's really really wrong we're gonna fight so much whereas if we fundamentally agree on what's right what's wrong we generally get on easier life is a bit easier so just do you think it's wrong to text an ex and i think it's totally fine on a birthday and he thinks it's the worst thing ever, we're going to bump heads all the time.

32:32But if we're both in agreement with or without each other, that's how we think, life becomes easier with somebody you think the same as. Yeah, that's absolutely true. Sometimes it's too late, right? Like sometimes you find out a little too late. Yeah, it happens.

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34:15Do you believe then, I mean, we talked about this earlier about like love languages and all these like kind of known attachment styles yeah what do you think about this whole attachment style thing it's a very popular thing now like everyone's like oh he's an avoidant no contact like if you're secure what is your take on all of this i am i know i talk about this in the book that i genuinely believe that sometimes we label people as avoidant when really they're just not attracted to us it could be as simple as that they're just not attracted to us now there's definitely truth in the theory there's definitely anxious people there's definitely avoidant people and there's definitely secure people.

34:50But I would say before you label people, you have to realize, do they actually, because let's say for me, I'm a very anxious person. I can get very insecure and I can get all of those ways. But if I was talking to somebody I'm not attracted to, they would think I'm avoidant. They're like, she hardly replies. She never wants to see me. I'm like, but I don't want to see you. That doesn't mean I'm like that in general. So I think it's a misunderstanding of like, I think all of those things only matter when you've got the foundation of, are you attracted to each other and you want to be with each other?

35:17if you're attracted to each other and want to be with each other then the behaviors start acting a bit difficult then there is some truth to the theory but if the fundamentals aren't there then the theory doesn't explain and can't undo the lack of attraction and i think that's underestimated in these theories you know i find that to be also like again spot on like i think that we're so quick to label somebody yeah that's why therapy to me i find to be kind of counter yeah counterproductive and useless yeah because you're having someone there who is like you know your cheerleader yeah who's like egging you on like yes yes he's an avoidant yes yes no content yes yes and it's like i guess because of i'm such a realist yeah the way i would see it is like well why can't it just be what it is which is maybe the person just isn't attracted to you just doesn't want to be with you just doesn't like you like why does there have to be something more to it yeah where then now you build up this whole reason of why you're not together beyond what is just the fact yeah and And I'd have a client, like, you know, we were talking about the big age gaps.

36:16I had a client, he was like 48 years old. She's a 23-year-old beautiful Swedish girl. And he's just an average-looking 48-year-old. He went to his therapist. They're like, she's an avoidant. They went to sex therapy. Oh, you have to make her feel safe. It was her childhood. I'm like, bitch, she's not a child. I can save you$10 ,000 in therapy. She doesn't want to have sex with you. Okay, next. Next, end of story. And he literally built this narrative that it's her childhood and she's got these attachment issues. I have a friend like this. And then he's caught her sleeping with so many other men.

36:49I'm like, where are her sexual issues when it comes to other men? No, no, there's none. There's none. I think it comes down to the foundation. You keep on saying, like, this book could be one page, which is, are you attracted to him? Is he attracted to you? Okay, and end of story. Let's move on. It does help a lot. It helps a lot. All of this rhetoric and jargon over, like, the most basic thing. Basic. all of this stuff like oh he's a narcissist oh she's an avoidant oh he's a no contact he's pushing and pulling i think it's all of this is just another way of saying you know what like if someone's into you yeah they're gonna want to like be with you and they'll respond to you yeah and they're gonna text you and they're gonna call you like it's just maybe you that they're not interested in like and the other thing i would say is it's also not necessarily a disorder because this day and age there's so much hookups going on yes that people are just not used to investing in people.

37:39They're not used to calling people regularly, seeing them regularly, texting and investing and turning it into a long-term relationship. People who've been married or in long-term relationships are in long-term habits. So they might text a bit more, call a bit more, want commitment more because they're in that habit. It doesn't mean they're securely attached. They're in that habit and other people will ignore you all the time, never want to see you because they're in the hookup habit. So sometimes it's not a disorder. It's just some people have certain habits as well. And if you don't like the habits, instead of spending time, money and energy analyzing them analyze yourself and ask yourself why are you here like you i heard you say that i think so i i heard you on someone else's podcast talking about like looking at their like their background like what how they were used to having relationships because someone's used to having long-term relationships they're used to the constant calling and the constant getting together at this weekend and the constant communication but if someone has like never had a relationship and they're only in the hookup mode like you said yeah they don't know what they don't No, they're not trained for the other way.

38:38You know what I mean? And that's a big problem in big cities. If you go to a small city, let's say you grew up in Utah in a small city, you'll go back then. Everybody's married with kids. And it's not because they just happen to find their soulmate. It's just that everybody in that environment is used to monotony. They're used to doing the same thing every day, eating the same thing, going to the same restaurants every day. They're not overstimulated. So when they meet a partner where it's very monotonous, very basic, like doing the same thing again and again, they're totally okay with that life.

39:05And it's beautiful that they found that. But if you speak to people in LA, New York, Miami, Dubai is one of them. Big cities are used to different stimulation every single day. So those people get used to being stimulated a lot more. So they're not used to monotony. So long-term relationships gets a little bit tricky for them. So what do people do, by the way, if they do live in a big city and they want a monogamous relationship and they want to find a high valued person, but the culture and their life doesn't allow for that. I know. Like that's because maybe they found the right, they know they have the right person, but they don't have the habit yet.

39:40You have to practice the skills of monogamy. How? But not even more like how do you practice the skills even to get into monogamy? You have to avoid polygamy essentially. It's not so much what you do, it's what you don't do. What you don't do. Yeah. So like, for example, if you really want to be in a fulfilling monogamous relationship, you have to get into the habit of rejecting alternatives. that doesn't just mean not going on other dates but it also means like not following people that you're super attracted to not watching porn all the time you don't stimulate yourself with alternatives so people who have the skills of monogamy don't do anything special other than reject alternatives they keep rejecting it's a bit like people who have great bodies they don't do anything amazing other than reject really bad food they reject it all the time and then they just get into the habit of going to the gym and everything like that but it's not so much what they eat is what they don't eat.

40:26They just don't have it. Like, for example, I can tell me and you don't eat the same food. I can tell by looking at you. How do you know? What do you eat? I know for a fact. If we went to a restaurant and stuff, I know we would eat different things. What would you eat? I would eat sugary, carby. Tell me, we're going to have dinner. What would you order for dinner? When we do, we're going to keep a track of this. I can almost tell you would say things like, that's a bit too sweet for me or that's a bit too heavy for me and stuff like that. And you would probably get full a bit quicker. Me, if you ate with me, you'd be like, there's a wild animal on my table.

40:54Can someone help her? Because I just enjoy so much. So it's a habit thing. Yeah, I see what you're saying. But that's a very, that's a great analogy, right? Like, yeah, you learn. It's not about like what you do. It's what you don't do. What you don't do. Yeah. People in your shape just don't eat late at night really bad food. It's just not their habit. No, but I do eat a lot like a wild animal. I just eat a lot of protein and vegetables. That's it. And you just don't do the behaviors that would lead to you losing your physique. Whereas people who lose their physique like myself and people like me, we do the bad things.

41:23It's not that we can't do the right things. It's just that we indulge in the bad things. So the hookup culture and Tinder and all these things were designed for people to do the bad things. It was designed to give you so many alternatives. It was designed for you to get into short-term relationships. It was designed to keep your options open. So it was giving you the prototype of how to never be in a monotonous, monogamous relationship. So, but that's, that is the dating culture now. It's all dating apps. Like how are people meeting people if it's not on these dating apps? It's really difficult unfortunately you do have to stick you almost have to play the game it's a bit like you know government takes your tax you almost have to accept it it's going to do it so it is really difficult but what i would say is that listen to your gut like if you feel like the apps or this person is making you behave in a way that you're not comfortable with say that they want hookups they want threesomes they want all these things and you're just going along with it because you think that's the culture listen to your no even if you don't know what you want you always know what you don't want.

42:15And if a relationship is making you uncomfortable, stop that. Or just say what you would prefer if they would agree with you. Perfect. If they don't, no worries. But you can't get overly attached to the person to the point where you're letting them lead you off a cliff, which does happen a lot for a lot of women. I find for women in particular, I don't think women that do sleep around a lot, I don't think that was their intention, a lot of the girls. They're just like, I just didn't have a choice because he was like putting pressure on me. He wanted pictures. He wanted this. He wanted that. And they also learn very quickly that the more you become like this, the more men reward you, the more attention they'll give you, the more likely they are to see you.

42:48And so they end up playing the game, but artificially because it's not really what they want. It's not what they want. Okay. So how is it when people, like, are you, in your experience, people who are dating on these apps, are they finding love or is it just all hookups? It's difficult. The only people that tend to have success are people who have both come out of long-term relationships. They tend to have success because those people are again they're in the habit of relationships and they are in the habit of loving somebody they're also in the habit of checking on somebody and they're also in the habit of monogamy they don't get the same joy of having four or five dates in a week they get more joy of knowing one person's body really well one person really well and connecting with that one person a lot so they it works out best when two people have kind of been in long-term relationships and they're kind of freshly single some men will be like oh i need more time but the ones that are actually a bit more mature they realize what is time you're just wasting it that's all it is yeah and those people tend to work better if you're a person in those relationship habits but you're talking to somebody who's not in relationship habits it will be like pulling teeth a little bit yeah on both ends yeah it will be a little bit like pulling teeth so try it if they've been single for a really long time particularly men it's a bit trickier it's not impossible it's just a bit trickier i think that's again very valid a lot of my guy friends who have they've been single forever they're single forever They're forever.

44:04And the ones who have had relationships, they're always the ones finding relationships again. And the weird thing, another thing I talk about in the book is people think that the more women a man sleeps with, the better he is in bed. Oh, please. I can tell you that's not true. I can promise you that one. Because I've worked with so many women, and the number one feedback they give is the men that have been in relationships, they just make love. They know a woman's body. They know it so well. Whereas the one-night stand man doesn't have that repeated feedback. They have no idea what to do. No idea whatsoever.

44:36So they equate amount of women with sexual quality when it's actually not. It's how much satisfaction you gave each woman. If you didn't give her a lot, you're not getting any feedback or you're not getting any experience from that. Yeah, I think that's a crazy, silly fallacy. Yeah, it's crazy. It's so silly. I find a big trend now, too, is women, older women with younger men. Oh, yeah. Have you not seen that? I completely understand it as well, though, because I think what happens, I think it only happens with successful women. Well, yeah, it's not happening with someone who's like, you know, working at Walmart.

45:07She's not dating the, you know, the 25 year old model from Armani. Successful women have this one key ingredient that other women don't have. They can finally, especially if she's already had kids. And I completely understand it. And I'm also, if I'm honest, I'm a bit envious of these women. because what happens when you have kids before you have kids you have to think like you know father of my child or he has to be successful he has to be this you are willing to compromise on who brings you the most fun and who you're most attracted to but once you have kids a bit like mariah carey or madonna the moment you've had your kids and you're financially successful you don't have to worry if he's rich you don't have to worry if he's going to give you kids you just have to worry is he going to make me happy and am i attracted to him yeah those are the only two ingredients you have to worry about and there's millions of men lining up for that they're like oh my gosh she's putting no pressure on me and she's just fun because you go back to being fun because there's no pressure on the man yeah so there so what happens is a lot i think it only happens when you're successful and when you've had kids i think that also helps when you've had kids and they're out the way and success is out the way then you can genuinely choose doesn't a guy want to have a family and kids a lot of men either have it or they they in their mind this is a problem with young men they think that they've got until forever they actually don't but in their mind they think they've got until forever and they really really don't have until forever i think they have the same biological clock as women they just don't realize it because as they age what happens is if you're 40 years old as a man you need a lot younger to still have kids and then the emotional gap increases you don't meet young girls as much or you have to buy them or they there's and and they're also there's they're raised on tiktok and snapchat while you're a grown man with the business.

46:46So the gap in the intellectual intimacy increases so, so much. So as they age, it becomes difficult to find other types of compatibility when you want to have kids and you go a lot younger. That's a great point. Yeah. Because I see these men who are like 55. They're like, I'm not dating a girl in her 40s. I want to have kids. I'm like, but what's a woman in her 30s going to have in common with you? She's going to be totally different or a woman in her 20s. And so they're itching for that young woman. And when they want to have a family, they don't want it to be transactional. They want it to be genuine, but it's very difficult for a 55-year-old to have a genuine connection with a 32-year-old.

47:18So they struggle as well. They just don't realize it. You know, again, everything you say, I'm like, yes, yeah, I feel like such a people-pleaser. I'm like, yes, yes, because I agree with everything you're saying. I think when you hear snippets, and I'm sure your audience might be people who've heard snippets, they're like, she's full of shit. But when you put it in context, I promise you, I only got this understanding because I didn't follow the regular therapeutic advice and I got to the crux of the problem and I found it again and again and again the same problems and it's we think we're so unique as humans we're so much more similar than we realize oh I think I mean by the way I also think like I love I'm very curious and I'm a big observer and I ask a million besides this podcast I literally would I ask people a million personal questions and I always come to the same conclusions with people you know what I mean like I think some of this isn't rocket science it's not it's not it's a lot of it is just like having the wherewithal and honesty to like dig deep and figure out what the real truth is people don't like the truth yeah I mean like we just said we don't like the truth they like to you know put a lot of bows and lipstick around it yeah but sometimes it's like what it is what it is it is and like we met two minutes before the podcast yeah and we're talking about childhood trauma in two seconds and you're saying to your team I told you guys because it's just a quicker way to connect.

48:39And when people are open and they are, what happens with people who are open, they ask questions because they don't mind answering questions. But people who are closed don't ask questions because they don't want people to know the real them. But the more you like yourself, the more easy it is to be open. I find super private people when they say, I'm so private, I'm so private. What they're really saying is, I don't like me and I don't want you guys to find out about me. But when you're an open person, then you probably like you or you made terms with parts of yourself that you don't like. You don't mind sharing it.

49:06Exactly. And I think that's a very good point. I mean, you do talk a lot in the book or you begin the book with like how low self-esteem is kind of like the, I guess, the domino that leads to a lot of these problems. Yeah. How do people even have an assessment if they have low self-esteem? Is there things that people can look out for? Absolutely. I think the first thing is when they ask themselves, how anxious are you? because anxiety is a great signal of how much you like yourself. And people who are super anxious, what happens is they don't make decisions fast. Low self-esteem people are super slow with everything.

49:39They do things slow. High self-esteem people are like, I don't care if you do it right or wrong, just do it fast. Just get to the point, do it, I need it at this time. Because they have a confidence that worst case scenario, do it fast, I'll fix it. Low self-esteem people do things, everything slowly. Everything is slow. So if they're in a bad relationship, it takes them forever to make a decision. Bad work takes them forever. So they're super slow. They're poor decision makers in general. And I would say the biggest sign of low self-esteem is that you have no self-control at all. So you can't control yourself.

50:10So you don't control what you eat. You don't control what you spend. You don't control what you do in relationships. You lack self-control. The more self-control you can exhibit in your life, the more you start to respect yourself and the more you start to like yourself. It really does boil down to how much self-control you have. And in relationships, how you can figure out if you have high or low self-esteem is you ask yourself, if I did have high self-esteem, would I choose this person? A lot of people choose this person, but they hate so much about that person. And you have to ask yourself, then why are you with them?

50:38And there are always the reason is low self-esteem. They either don't think they have alternatives or they just don't have the confidence to make an executive decision. Whereas people who make good decisions, they really boils down to good and fast decisions. I remember seeing an interview with Jeff Bezos and they were asking him how he developed this. and he said, I just know human nature, get things done fast and everybody is happy with somebody who does things fast. Do things slow and everything's ruined. So he said, I know that people, and it's so true, people would rather have like terrible vitamins from Amazon than wait a month to get good vitamins from a good company.

51:09I'm the same, I just want it the next day. So the more you realize that fast equates to high self-esteem more than we realize, get things done, get shit done, get your house done, get your body done, get whatever it is, do things fast, it shows that you have a confidence in your decision making. Slow, slow people means that they overthink the problems and the poor consequences, but they don't find the solutions. Solution people think, okay, fine, it's going to be problematic. I chose a bad flight, but I just need to get to the country. I don't care what the time that heads off. And they get to the point.

51:39So I would say that your speed in your decision making is a big indicator of your self-esteem. That's a great point. Again, I could just be sitting there. I could just leave and just have a little recording. But it's not fair that you agree with me. We agree that we're going to join. Because that's why I like you so much. But I want to ask you a question, though, that I've been remiss. And I've been trying to, I wanted to ask this before. And I kind of, we got sidetracked with all this good stuff. Yeah. Because someone like you got, you were recently, I guess you would call it canceled, right?

52:06Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Can we just talk about what happened with you? Because I know that some people are going to be listening to this and being curious about, isn't this the woman that got canceled? What happened to her? Didn't she say that horrible thing? Yeah. Because what I was going to talk to you about, my next thing on my list was adultery and all the things. So I wanted to talk about being cheated on. What in God's name happened with you? And were you cancelled? I am. And you are cancelled. Yeah, I am. And I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. No, no, not at all. But I thought we both like bold and blunt.

52:40Yes, absolutely. So I figured this is a perfect time to ask you. And luckily I've just got the call. you know, I handled it in Dubai and she's been convicted for defamation. I'll tell you what happened. She's been convicted and, you know, we've got the conviction for defamation. But the only problem with Dubai, they try and keep it private, but I can still say it online and I can say what I need to say. So it wasn't true? Not at all. So I'll tell you what really happened. In 2021, I used to work as a teacher and I used to be teaching all this time and that's all I was doing. I was teaching psychology.

53:09And then recently in about August time, some troll on the internet, said, release some voice note. And it was me saying, I'm going to get with your guy, your man on his wedding day and on his birthday and all this stuff. And when I first heard it, it was like, oh, it's AI. Like, I don't need to worry about this. And then it went viral. And then I spoke to someone in a legal team and she's like, are you sure this is AI? Like, you need to check it because if you just say that you need to be sure it's AI. So go check. So I went to the police even, because in Dubai, they take these things a bit serious.

53:39And they said, no, no, you have to double check before you accuse that. So go ask everybody that you knew in 2021, because that's what it said. It said it was in 2021. Everybody you knew and see if there's any truth to what's being said. So it was five years ago? It was five years ago in 2021. Yeah. So it wasn't even recent? No, no, no. The voice that said 2021. So I was like, okay, I'll ask everybody I worked with. Maybe somebody knows what's going on. So I rang everybody I worked with. They're like, sorry, I don't have a clue what this is or anything. But one guy said to me, oh, this is actually your voice.

54:05This is true. And I said, what are you talking about? And he goes, yeah, this is true. Because do you remember that some girl that I was dating called you. And this guy is a young guy, personal trainer. You can see him online as well. He's not married. He's not engaged. He's never been married, never been in a serious relationship. And I was like, I'm not understanding. And he goes, do you remember that you were sending me some memes online? Because he was like a guy that was sleeping with lots of girls on those dating apps. And I must have sent him some memes about like, you know, cheating on girls and how to get away with it or hiding your Tinder or whatever it is.

54:35One of the girls that he was seeing called Lena Elfala, I'll send you a picture so you can add it in this bit. She was seeing him at the time very briefly. They weren't in a serious relationship. By his own court admission, he said I wasn't in a serious relationship with her at all. She saw it and she called me and she said, why are you sending him memes like that? Are you trying to suck his dick? And I said, excuse me, don't get rude. And you can hear me say, don't get rude. I said, if I wanted to, I could suck it. And you know me, I'm bold. So if someone says to me, are you trying to do this?

55:00I said, if I wanted to, I could do it on birthday. And I spit that out. And I said, and he used to tell me that these girls are always harassing. And I was like, there's even been times, and they cut that off, where I was going to say that nobody wants your man, and I've never even responded to your man. They cut that tiny bit off, just took that one sentence, put it on the internet, and said I was with a married man. And she's never been married. She's never been engaged. He's never been married and engaged. When I told him about this, she was recording me without my consent. I had no idea it existed.

55:27He even said, I haven't spoken to her in five years. I have no idea what she is. I only dated for a couple of weeks. I said, can you at least find her? He's like, I don't know her number. I don't know her at all. It was so brief. So I had to go through the police and they have convicted her of defamation. But she recorded me without me knowing five, six years ago about a guy that she wasn't even serious with, took a tiny snippet of it, sent it to this troll and it went viral. And I've never spoken to her or anything after this conversation, never spoken to her ever. And she was not even with this guy.

55:58I was not with this guy. There was no motivation. She didn't even get paid to do this. She just did it out of her own free will. out of nothing. And I don't even remember even speaking to her. So that's what she did. Are you serious? That's actually what happened. There's no public records about ever being married. Her boyfriend at the time actually messaged me and said, hey, why are you spreading rumors that my girlfriend was engaged or married? I go, I know she wasn't married. I'm saying that she wasn't. And he goes, but I've seen a video saying that she was married and you're with her husband.

56:23She's never been married. I've been with her for five years. We've never, who is this guy? So I even got her boyfriend. He was obviously too scared to ask her, but he asked me and I even got, I'll add the screenshots as well. I'll make sure I send it to you. But this completely out of nowhere. And it shook me out of so much because I had no idea that this person even existed, let alone held onto that much animosity over a situation which wasn't even a real situation. It was just the only thing she can say is I was rude to her. And I was rude to her. If someone calls me and accuses me of wanting to do something that I don't want to do, I'll be like, excuse me, if I wanted to, I could.

56:59And that's just me being a bitch. It's not real. It's nothing like that. but she really wanted to just kind of ruin me. And she found the perfect troll to do it with. Who was the troll? He was some weirdo that does, you know those gym people that try and insult everybody and be like, oh, this person's got an idiot, this person whose whole Instagram is attacking people. And the guy behind this even gave evidence on court that he spoke to the troll and spoke to him and he showed a video of their interview because the troll is like, I've interviewed the man, I know everything. He showed the interview to court and in the interview, he specifically said there was no affair I was never married I was never engaged and I was never with Sadia and he presented that in court and that guy will still never release that video because because he'll always say I've got an interview with the married man but he'll never release it or show who the married man is because if you check it you can see scroll back down to 2020 2021 he's never been married never been engaged there's been no girlfriend it's never happened he's even got videos of him talking about being single life and being online dating and stuff like that in the time frame that this troll guy said it was married.

57:58Can you believe that? That's the real story. That's the real story. That's the real story. How come you haven't talked about that? I've tried, but the problem is it doesn't go viral. I'll talk about it, but no one cares. So what will happen is I try and talk about it almost in every interview, but it just, that bit just doesn't go viral. It just doesn't go anywhere, unfortunately. Why? Because people who want to believe the negative don't care about the clarity. It's not the same interest. So the people that would have made it go viral, those people are not interested in this. And the people who didn't make it go viral and didn't care about that also don't care about the clarification that much.

58:34They would have still been watching you with or without this nonsense. Like me, I don't care. Like even me who I actually liked your stuff and liked you. I was kind of listening to the rumblings of what was happening, but I didn't care enough. Yeah. And then you wouldn't care enough to post the truth because you don't care either way. I don't care either way. I don't know offense, but I didn't care either way. I care now. We can try to make a clip and let this go viral. But now you're saying that like, you're right. Like it's a confirmation bias, right? The trolls that make it go viral would never make the truth go viral because that's not their interest.

59:03And the people who don't make the nonsense go viral will never make the truth go viral. Not because they're anti it, but they're just not interested in gossip. They don't care. Yeah. Gossip doesn't mean that much to them. Yeah. And I have that same problem. Like gossip doesn't mean anything. I'm not going to share gossip or the clarification. Yeah. Like even as you're talking about it, And I'm like, okay, it's horrible. But like, you're right. Like if people don't, if people are not caring, they're not going to care about this. Yeah. Whereas trolls care. Yeah, I'm screwed. No, but you are. Yeah.

59:30Because trolls really care about defaming. So they don't care about the clarification. So the troll kind of, that's why you get these kind of fitness influencers and they bully people online and be like, oh, this is, and they pretend to be heroes, but they make the things go viral, but they don't make the clarifications ever go viral. Because the army behind it is a bunch of toxic people that don't care about that. You just said it. Yeah. The toxic people. The toxic people. The trolls and all of that stuff that takes so much glory in this. And I can totally understand because it's such a great story.

59:57It's the girl that talks all about cheating and all about how you shouldn't cheat and all about monogamy. Relationships. And relationships. It's a great, great story. It's a great come down. And if I wasn't watching, if I wasn't me, I'd be like, oh, my God, you couldn't make this up. But unfortunately, it just wasn't the truth. And when you did. And then they say, but you should take accountability. I was like, I didn't do that for a while. By the way, what I can't believe is how many years ago this whole thing even happened. Yeah, apparently. Six years ago? Six years ago. And so when did this whole thing go viral?

1:00:24Like seven months ago? Yeah, six, seven months ago. Yeah. So, okay, so what has happened to your life in the last six or seven months? It's been difficult because the thing is, regardless of whether it's true or not, you don't want parents hearing you speak that way. You don't want anybody hearing you speak. Because it's like, you know, me in my real world, I do swear. I do shout. I do do all of these things. But I'm from a very conservative family. So that's just not how we talk. Like, that's just not what we say. And also, there's no convincing the trolls. And they're the ones that will attack you the most.

1:00:51So it was so much like all day, every day, emails, messages. And what hurt me the most and made me kind of lose my faith in my work is, I would get, especially men, be like, you helped save my life. You helped save my marriage. But now you're just a whore. And I was like, I helped save your life. And you're worried about what I did 10 years ago, which I didn't even do. But even if I did, let's say, even if I did have an affair with a married man, whatever it is, You guys saying that I helped you so much. You must have been a victim of a girl that's cheating on you. So you, this happens in the real world, whatever it is.

1:01:23I found it. I understood women being that way because even with the Coldplay, do you remember that Coldplay? Yes, of course. I remember that. I couldn't believe how viral that went. I was like, in most offices, these things happen. You know, it's not because of that. I've never heard of that. I'm glad that you just brought that up. Yeah. Because I thought the same thing. Did you feel that as well? I couldn't believe like how viral it went and how that woman became like such, she became like ostracized from the world from the world and the worst thing is she was separated at the time she was separated and her husband was at the concert at the same time and the world she was just absolutely hated hated and hated and i was just like but you've forgiven your crusty husband that cheats on you all the time you've forgiven so many people it ruined her life yeah it ruined her life i hope she can recover from it but she would say even in public people would attack her yeah and i just remember thinking but they've got kids why are you guys all sharing it why are celebrity sharing it why is it becoming a meme like that's just not nice at all i feel like people get a lot of joy out of other people it's called schadenfreude have you heard of schadenfreude no schadenfreude is when people find pleasure in other people's misery and what kind of people do that i mean it didn't it wasn't specific okay but it's a human nature schadenfreude is like a very well-known term yeah and it's about like how people find like regular people human nature is when people find joy in other people's misery.

1:02:46But one thing I find a bit confusing is with the social media world, we've normalized all the footsteps towards cheating, but cheating is seen as the biggest thing in the world. So when everybody was sharing that thing in Coldplay, I was like, yeah, but you've got people watching porn all day. There's OnlyFans now available everywhere. People are watching and doing things. There's Tinder available. There's even websites where you can meet other married men. Why have we normalized everything else? But then all of a sudden we act like we're so holy. It's only when it crosses the line you act so wholly, but all the other systems are in place to create that kind of environment.

1:03:16So I just felt like I got 10 % of what she got because at least I sign up to be online. So I sign up for this. So I've got a little bit of thickness from the years of doing. Right, because of what you do. But she's just a regular person. He's a regular man with their regular children having this overnight. I can't imagine what she went through. And also, again, I guess I'm in the weeds of why do people care enough? Yeah. To even like to even put themselves in a situation to share it or talk about like if it's not happening to me in my life, I'm like moving on already. You know what I mean? And they're clipping and making so many videos on it and so happy about it.

1:03:52And I think it was more their happiness that really scared me. And I think that more so than anything, in the actual backlash, I didn't know people with that much venom existed because I'm not capable, even though what she's done to me, I wouldn't be capable of like attacking her the way she did to me when I've done nothing to her. not one thing i didn't sleep with her husband didn't sleep with her fiance didn't sleep with her boyfriend didn't touch anything of her but just had that one conversation she didn't like and she sees that opportunity to just kind of destroy me she must have been watching me from afar building all this resentment and hatred and then just doing something like that and then cowardly deactivating all her socials oh she did yeah straight away you won't find her on any social now she used to have socials all deactivated if you're innocent and you're this and the other thing I would say is that there was a witch hunt at that time against me.

1:04:37If it was true, wouldn't the real husband or wife at some point emerge? Because even with the Coldplay concert, they found his wife. They've never found the wife and never found the husband. I've given you her name. She's never come up. So why is it that that's not been coming? Because it's not true. Unfortunately for the trolls, it's not true. And the troll that released it will never release the actual interview with the husband because the husband wasn't a real husband. He was not married, wasn't engaged and he testified that in court and actually sent the video of him telling him there was no affair this didn't happen I was never married or engaged and I was never with her but he won't release it unfortunately wow yeah but that's how they make that's how they make their money and their clips so I understand so this is the problem they call cancel culture though yeah it works it truly does have a huge impact I was on such a trajectory life was going so well and like I would have these live events and followers on Instagram were always increasing the views are always great and it just stops and it stops overnight it literally just stops so it does work but why would people not consume your content if it's still good content they think that you're a fraud yeah it's a bit like i think jordan peterson's experienced it as well if he says an opinion people don't like even though he's so talented they'll just completely uh disregard him so it does happen i think has he been cancelled too i don't think he has but yeah i don't think you'll ever be fully cancelled because it's too valuable to be fully cancelled but they'll try they'll try and so i mean there's been a lot of other people that i've known who've done way worse things than a a sentence that wasn't even accurate six years ago and they're not cancelled so they're not but the problem is trolls are so loud and so i think it's on a general space like people that you work with or you know clients they have no problem but trolls are loud so if if they want to post a video like even you will get oh my god jen how can you work and it will start the comments will be loud so as a content creator you have to protect that and i completely understand why if someone like you was like i'm really sorry i don't want to post this or something i know you're very brave but i can understand why the average person would be anxious to be associated i completely understand right yeah what okay so i'm not mad i mean you're not but how do you get it back or is I don't know.

1:06:46We'll have to ask you. Yeah, I know. You're the expert. I mean, I'm just also flabbergasted at the level and intensity of what you're dealing with. Yeah. And for me, it's more the hatred from people that you don't know. Like if you know someone, you've hurt them, you've done something to them, I totally understand. But when it's that person and also the troll online who I don't know, never seen him before in my life, I'd never seen or known anything about him. for them to work together to take down somebody that they don't know, or they don't get paid for this. They don't even get money out of this.

1:07:20It just was all a bit like, okay, I just didn't know that that happened.

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1:08:38Okay, so your book comes out. It works out. are you going to be doing a lot of press for the book? I'm trying to. That's the goal is to try and do as many podcasts as possible and do a bit of press. And I hope, like, it's one of those books that's not for everybody because it is tough. It's a bit, you know, it's that tough kind of advice. But I'm hoping when they read the book, it's like, okay, you know what? Regardless of who, what, where. I think it's a great relationship book, guys. I mean, if you really want the real facts and the truth of, like, actually the real meat on the bone, so to speak, I think in terms of relationship books, it's fantastic.

1:09:11I've got more questions for you, though. Please, yeah. Okay, this is a good segue into women empowerment, right? Or like women to women, not women on women. My belief is that women empowerment is a lie. I think that personally, women are only empowering other women when they don't feel threatened by the women, other women. And once they do feel threatened, it's a whole different power dynamic. I know you also feel the same way. I do. And so can we talk about that? because I want you, you've had some experience a little bit. Yeah, a lot. A lot. What is going on with that? And why has it become, like, this is another huge, very trendy social media thing where it's like, oh, women love women, women love women for women.

1:09:59Unless I see you as a competitor, then maybe not so much. They don't like each other. And it's okay, by the way. We're not actually designed, like, we're not actually designed to like every woman on the planet. Right. But I also see this woman on woman as no different to being like a racist or anything like that. Why would I side with somebody more because they have one similarity to me? That's not how my brain functions. Women supporting women. I'm like, no, I'm going to support who I believe in and who I like and who I am aligned with. Not just because we both have like boobs and a vagina. It doesn't make any sense to me.

1:10:30That would be the same mindset as a racist to me. Like somebody who's just going to take the side of someone because it's the same racism. I see it as just right and wrong. Whoever's right and whoever's wrong. And because women were not used to that, they saw me as the epitome of a pick me. But I just think, but in my personal experience in life, and particularly when this thing happened. What's a pick me? I know what it is. But just show people because my kid told me what a pick me is. Tell me what a pick me is. It's a girl that wants male approval at the expense of female approval. That's what they see it as.

1:10:54Like you're stabbing women in the back to get male approval. But the reality, and I see this so many with female friendships as well, that they're not happy for each other all the time. They're not that kind to each other. Even sometimes like I'll go on social media. And if I see a woman who's really conventionally attractive, there'll be very little kind of women empowering her. But if she's not conventionally attractive, so many comments being supportive of her, supportive. And they're trying, it's actually a way of just inflating people that you're not threatened by and deflating people that you are threatened by.

1:11:23It's okay to be equal in life, whether it's man, woman, whatever it is. And in the workplace, I really found it. I always found like when I would go for a job interview and it was just women or when the working environment was just women, there was a lot of bullying going on. I found that having men led to a little bit more of my career progressing. So when I used to hear this feminist movement saying men earn more than us and there's so much patriarchy at work, I was like, but at work I found women stopped me from progressing. In particular women stopped me from my progression. Nowhere more do I see women or hate women than the workplace.

1:11:54They hate seeing other women succeed. They hate seeing other women be glorified in any way. So I just found that this whole idea that men oppress women to just not be true. My personal oppression has always come from women. So it's just not something I could have related to. So that's why I just never connected to that movement. And I don't think it's actually in any way, shape or form true. I don't find any truth to this idea that men oppress women. I just think people oppress each other. And the more you have, the more jealous, I think jealousy oppresses people. When people are jealous or threatened or anything like that, that's where the oppression kicks in.

1:12:24But without that, people don't, it's not gender specific. It's not gender specific. That's how I would say it. I love women and or men equally based on, A, basically how they treat me. Do you know, honest to God, you talk about this in the book too. This is a big thing for knowing your own self-esteem in a way, right? Do you like people who like you? Simple as that. And I'm always like, yes, if you like me, I like you 10 times more. Simple as that. It doesn't have to be anything else. And even when I experienced this thing online, the fact that I got so much hate from women and not them saying, oh well she wasn't the married one who's the married man let's go find him let's do a witch hunt on him the fact that you were expecting me to i'm the person why is why is your focus not on the man why aren't you witch hunting to find the man because he's the one that cheated but you're that you should know no no let's focus on the man if you were truly a girl's girl you'd be like well it's where's the man he's the one that did the vows he's the one that's committed he's the one that betrayed someone let's find him but you're so happy to blame the woman so it's not true and essentially the sooner you realize in life that it's not true, the happier you'll be because you'll have.

1:13:30And I really think it's important for women. So, so important to have male friends in your life. I really think as a woman, you will gain so much from having friends in your life that you know for sure. Yes. Okay. Fine. They might be attracted to you or they might hit on you or whatever. So isn't it better to have a friend that secretly loves you than a friend that secretly hates you? Yeah. That's what I always say. By the way, again, preach, preach, preach. Okay. I have a lot. I'm notorious for this. I have a lot of male friends. Yeah. A lot. You do too. Yeah. And it's not because I don't like women.

1:14:00Yeah. But I feel like energy, energetically wise, I get along with men. And I, I don't think, I do believe that men and women could be friends. Yeah. I really do. Cause I have, I've had great friends. Yeah. And they're not hitting on me. They're not, they're not trying anything on me. They're going out there, whatever it is. I find it's the people who have a low self-esteem who can handle it well. Absolutely. I think the reason I've always had guy friends is I associate with people who have options. They don't become friends with me and think, oh, I want to sleep with Sadia for 10 years straight.

1:14:32They don't care about Sadia. They've got another girl and another girl. They have options. I don't be friends with people with low self-esteem and low alternatives. That's all it is. Man a woman. So because my friends have so many options, I'm the least of their priorities. They're not thinking and dreaming of me. It's easy for me to have male friends. And also I just find the energy that they bring, I never have to worry that they're going to be backstabbing, threatened, or don't want to invite me places or anything like that. And if they do ever give me that energy, I treat them the same way I would a woman and just let it go.

1:15:01End of story. Everything you're saying is so true though. I mean, I have a lot of, I've got, I wouldn't say a lot to be honest. I would say I have a good handful of really good quality women friends and they're like my ride or dies, but I don't have a ton. Me too. I don't have a ton. The main traits I have with the female friends that I have is they're happy women. They're genuinely happy with who they are. And they have things going on in their life. They're not competitive. But what I would say for if you, one thing I would say that they always see it as a pick me if you have a lot of male friends.

1:15:34My personal experience of being a woman that has friends, male friends compared to women that don't is we are so much less boy crazy. Like I have such a masculine energy in my life that I If I had to be single for 10 years, I'd be single. It wouldn't kill me. Or if I meet a new man, I'm like, oh my God, he's a man. Text him. There's not this over-excitement because I speak to men every single day. Me too. I speak to men every single day. About so many areas of their life. So if a man is talking to me, I have zero different excitement. Whereas if you speak to girls who don't have any male friends and don't have men's energy in their life, the moment they speak to a man, they're attached.

1:16:07It's just the fact that a man is giving them a bit of attention. But when you have male friends who love you and check in on you and stuff, you can neutralize and select. Whereas when you don't have male friends, you just stick to whoever gives you a bit of attention. I actually think it's not good for you to not have any male friends whatsoever. That's a very good point. What about people, though, who have relationships and they don't like you being friends with men? And there's ways to handle that. And I think that when you have, like, for example, with my partner and stuff, it's always so much transparency.

1:16:36There's always like the phone is on speaker. My friends are your friends. I don't have these hidden friendships or anything like that. When you are somebody who's genuinely friends with men, you can manage that, how your husband or partner feels about it, because your intentions are clean. When you're somebody who's not used to male friends, you don't know how to handle that because you might have intentions that are not clean and your partner can pick up on it. So I think it's general. If they're making assumptions, they might just be insecure. But there are ways to make people feel more secure.

1:17:03Introducing them, talking openly in front of them. There's ways to make your partner feel a lot more secure. And if it really bothers them, then yes, of course, you might have to sacrifice a few. Because I've lost male friends because of that. Their partner didn't feel comfortable. But I completely understand. I'm not going to be mad at them. Because people used to say to me, oh, you're going to have male friends. They're going to leave you when they get married. But I'm happy for them. If they're married and they're in a good relationship and she doesn't feel comfortable, no problem. I don't expect a forever friendship.

1:17:26But I just like the fact that when we are friends, he's nice to me. He's not competitive. He's not jealous. It's a nice connection. Yes. I mean, it's amazing to me when, you know, it's like a very few and far between when I do meet a woman who I really like and who's like not envious or jealous or threatened or any of the things. Or, I mean, I'm not saying it because I think I'm so great or anything. It's not about my energy. It's about them. And what it always boils down to is how they perceive themselves and what's going on in their life. It's never about the other person. You don't have to be amazing for someone to be jealous of you.

1:18:02Yeah, you could be terrible, actually. You could be terrible. Because sometimes you wouldn't have a client and she'll have like a friend of hers that she's deeply jealous of. And it'll be a simple thing. Like she might have just gone to a restaurant that's near her house. And that will bother her for a really long time. So you don't have to have anything special about you to evoke jealousy out of women. But it's so easy to evoke jealousy out of some people. And unfortunately, that's why I try and have balanced. Like even when I, you know, people always say, oh, you always talk to men. and always and i was like but i like even my followers are equal men and women it's 50 percent men 50 percent women i don't want an all-female following that if i see a content creator with a entirely female following i know for a fact she's not being honest she's being she's coating sugar coating what she's saying she's tiptoeing she's probably lying to them telling them men are trash and she's polarizing them she's feeding them something that's not good for them but if you have an equal following you're probably more balanced as a person and i find it to stay on this whole trends right now, I find that to be something I'm seeing a lot of women who are bashing men at a very high level, right?

1:19:05At a very high pace right now, it's faster than it was like, and you know, that's become very trendy. And also like women relationships with women, like best friends together, women, women, like this, there's like this whole, like this whole idea or this, like, you know, like the antithesis of men, like women being, you know, women's friendships are more important the romantic relationships are like men are not great and but what's happened a little bit in the backlash i've seen some of these women who are like really kind of at the center of this then they found a guy and they're like and they're like nowhere to be found actually in my experience is that the more a woman hates a man the more boy crazy she truly is because what that really means is um the those women that really hate men and think negatively of men the moment they meet a normal guy who's just normal they think oh he's so different.

1:19:56He's so amazing. He's so much nicer than what I thought. Whereas if you think men are normal, you meet a normal guy, he's normal. Like he doesn't stand out to you. So these girls that hate men, the moment they get attention from a man, he's her everything. They don't do the vetting process. When you are good friends with men, a man being nice to you is not so out of the blue. A man just being somebody you enjoy the company of is not so out of the blue. But if you're so used to just being around girls and you have one nice date with a guy, you don't realize that this is normal. That's how men are.

1:20:25They're nice. They're funny to talk to. They're easy. They put that man on a pedestal and immediately attach to them. So the more they claim to be a girl's girl and decent to men, the more they truly haven't decented men. And they're really, really, and you'll see that they immediately get pregnant by a man. They immediately get married to a man. The moment a man asks, they're willing to do it. Whereas if you have men in your life all the time, a man being just a man who's nice to you isn't really enough. You need to actually have compatibility. You need to have time. It takes more for them to impress you.

1:20:51absolutely yeah another one of your red flag questions okay so another one you should ask is the body count yes of how many people so you are you saying that the amount of people that the women sleep with versus the men sleep with can really make or break the relationship it's worse for men and they don't realize this okay tell me a man with a high body count is far worse for you than it is for a woman and the reason i say this is because there's all this talk online women pair bond with, who they have sex with, blah, blah, this, that, and the other, which is true. I'm not denying that. But here's a switch.

1:21:24Men, women, they only care about sex till a certain stage in a relationship and a certain age in their life. And then they can, you know, take it or leave it. This is just how women are designed. They can, especially when they're madly in love with a guy and they've been with him for many years, they don't crave sex all day, every day. Men crave sex for the rest of their life. That's just how they're designed. They'll be 80 years old and still wanting sex. So when a man sleeps around a lot, what happens is he gets used to novelty so, so much. And the other thing that he gets used to is women with experience.

1:21:54He can't be compatible with a woman who's traditional, who's only done a bit of lovemaking, who's not so adventurous. He gets used to a certain amount of certain type of sex. Once he gets used to that certain type of sex, he almost can't reverse backwards. He can't go back to regular lovemaking. He can't go back to, If you knew what men's desires were, and I think this is where if you interview an OnlyFans girl, it would be really interesting. It's so perverse. It's really disgusting. There's very few women that go really far in their sexual fantasies. Men go really far in those sexual fantasies, and they can the more they sleep around.

1:22:26Then the only women they become compatible with are sadistic kind of women. It takes a certain type of woman to match that kind of man's sexual desires. And usually those women are super narcissistic. They're super detached. They're a little bit like they're using him. They're not the regular healthy woman. whereas women who might have slept around a lot if they're over that stage in their life and they're with a regular guy they're okay with that they're actually fine with that they're like if you never want to have sex again perfect me too i've had so much i don't want it again for a man if he's used to that that's all he'll ever want and that's all he'll ever become compatible with and the other reason it's so dangerous for them is women get to choose children they don't get to choose that so much we decide if we take precautions we decide if we have an abortion we decide all of that stuff You don't really decide that.

1:23:07So we decide if you become a father. You don't always decide that. So you're taking far more of a risk when you get so used to short-term relationships, so used to promiscuous kind of women, so used to women that are a different kind of woman than the regular traditional woman who wants to get married and have kids in that kind of way, that you're going to be compatible with a woman that you're not going to be able to have a household with. And that's why you can't really reverse that desire. Whereas women who've had a high body count, you'll see it all the time with these OnlyFans girls, they go find Jesus and the next day they're married, engaged, and they're cooking in their house with their dog.

1:23:36Whereas you speak to a man who slept with lots and lots of girls, his desires get worse and worse and worse. They get insidious over time. Or he might settle down with a woman, but his erection won't work. His arousal won't work. It literally slows down in them. So many women have been with men that slept with so many girls over the years that the engagement and arousal is affected. Really? Yeah. They're taking Viagra at like 27 years old because it's been so affected by oversaturation. Really? And novelty. So they can't get it. They can't get the arousal because they need novelty and excitement to get the arousal now.

1:24:10So you'll see guys as young as 27 years old, 26 years old, taking Viagra, a young boy taking Viagra because they've either slept with too many women or watched too much porn and their body just can't react to the same woman again and again. They need, so they have to take something. Think about what that does to your sexual confidence. If you're a young man and you can't get an arousal, So it's so dangerous to men. And this idea that it makes you masculine, it makes it the best way to be good intimately as a man is have a good, healthy relationship with a woman who gives you feedback, gives you constant feedback.

1:24:42And you know exactly how her body works. And chances are it will be the same for every woman. It's pretty similar. That love, make it whatever it is. But if you are a guy that goes from one girl to another to another, gets no feedback. First, you're not going to be good at sex. Secondly, your arousal is going to be affected. And women don't like men that have to rely on Viagra who really need a lot of stimulation to get it. Women hate that. They feel so unattractive with a man like that. Whereas if you're a guy that's strong, ready, like knows what he's doing, they feel super attractive. So you kill your own sexual confidence when you kill your arousal mechanisms.

1:25:13And that really gets destroyed by too much novelty. Wow. Yeah. So it's actually better to have less body count men. It's better to have... Look, I'm not saying don't have sex. No, but... about do it no problem do what you want but in the confines of a relationship you'll get far more experience and then this one night stand methodology that people use i'm not saying it's good for women i'm not in any way implying it's good for women but what i am implying is that the world we live in is we don't live in this world where this woman is going to have this peer bond it's going to be broken there are so many men that will meet this girl who slept around with so many men see all her sexual skills and fall in love with her because of that alone men fall in love with that they'll deny it and say no no no that's just for a short term ask any man who's had the most chokehold over him it will be the girl that he had the best sex with she might be a bitch to him you'll look at these guys that are getting treated so badly by a woman you're like why are you with her and it's usually they like the intimacy so intimacy means it gets men gripped whether they like it or not and if you're getting used to that kind of girl she's going to have you on a chokehold whereas for women it's like okay fine he might not be the best but he's got a nice dog he's got a nice house you know it's okay you know so they'll compromise on that area men they struggle to compromise because even if they mentally compromise their body can't no i think that's actually another again like again i should have a recording here yes yes yes because it's true like the men that i know who are just they're they can't like they can't leave a a bad relationship it's because of that it's not because it's like a it's like yeah it's not it's because they're like it's like because they're so addicted to them sexually yeah every guy that you know is in a toxic relationship can't let a girl know go even though she's bad to him abuses him cheats on him it's the sex that's got them addicted to it so if you're saying that women with high body count can't get a man yes she can because she can get you addicted far faster than a traditional woman that makes you wait doesn't know the skills doesn't know what you were like that girl can't get you addicted.

1:27:08Whereas that girl who's been with a hundred guys in a night and filmed it on OnlyFans, she can get you addicted like that. A hundred percent. Yeah. And then she'll get baptized and then get married. Exactly. I love that. But isn't women cheat more than men? They do. And I don't think they realize it. Not with all men. There are some men that are prolific cheaters and they always end up with women are a little bit faithful. But the reason why a lot of women cheat is because I was, again, when I wrote this, when I first became a therapist, I thought for a woman to cheat, the man has to be the worst man in the world.

1:27:37She was left with no choice. And poor girl, like how did she get there? Because that's kind of the zeitgeist. People make you feel like she's a victim when she's a cheater. She must have been so neglected. That's never what I found. What I found is that it's the women with men that are so submissive, that are so people pleasing, that are so lacking masculinity, that they're not dominant. And because he's not dominant, she's not attracted anymore. And they also know unconsciously, he's a type of guy if I did cheat he'd stay like there's an unconscious like he would stay so it's those types of men that get cheated on so much and because we're creating a culture of submissive men women as a like kind of as an itch they you're getting them cheating more but if you go to cultures where the men are super super masculine and super super strong the women in those cultures don't cheat it's only where the men are so weak and they're so feminine and they're so emotional and you know all those skills might be nice outside of the bedroom but they don't translate into the bedroom so the woman doesn't feel feminine around him and therefore she doesn't feel sexy and so those women it's not this big emotional hole a lot of the time he's very emotionally there for her it's this dominance hole he's not dominant how about women who are dominant like in terms of women who have masculinity because they're strong personalities like give a strong personality have a strong personality would that be considered very masculine i think i'm masculine without realizing it and and i think i i hide it well because I might look feminine like yourself but I think I have a lot of masculine energy now the the cure to that is you have to be with a man that's also masculine the the way I kind of save myself is I'm still quite very nurturing and I still have that nurturing element to me but if I didn't have that nurturing element that comes from like culture and background and all that stuff but if I didn't have that nurturing element I'd definitely bulldoze over every guy but I'm very very nurturing and like you know very traditional in terms of like I don't mind cooking cleaning that doesn't bother me in any way, shape or form.

1:29:28But women that are super masculine and very non-nurturing, they attract very feminine men. They attract really kind of passive men. So the more like, you know, because this kind of culture is teaching women to be as masculine as possible. No problem. You can be that girl that says, fuck you. I'm not cooking. I'm not cleaning. I'm not looking after you. I'm not having kids. I'm not doing anything. And you should just listen to me. No problem. You can be that girl, but you're going to attract a very weak man. No strong, loving, masculine man is going to like that. So you have to realize that in the process of becoming overly strong and non-nurturing you're going to attract a more weaker man and he'll be submissive and accept it but will you truly be attracted to him in the long run you know so just bear that in mind exactly yeah well i think this is for people who are very strong personalities like you know i'm a strong personality too but i think i'm very like nurturing also so it kind of counterbalances the and you always wanted kids you always liked kids so once i never really you know what i never was that person who was like oh i must have two kids and a white picket fence and all the things.

1:30:23But I also knew that if I didn't have kids, I would probably regret it in my life. And so I didn't want to be an old mom and all the things. So I kind of am traditional that way. I grew up very traditionally. I couldn't imagine myself not having kids. And how do you manage the work-life balance? I know that's a big discussion. I don't believe in work-life balance. I think that's also a big load of nonsense. I think that there's no such thing. I think in certain like cycles of your life, you are really very myopic in what you're doing. And like, there's times like sometimes I'm like super dialed into work and then other times I have to be more dialed in to like when I was, when my kids were really, really small, I had to like dial back my career a lot because I wanted to be available around.

1:31:08And then, you know, not that soon after, like I didn't wait that long, but I went back. I mean, It's very, very hard. Are you happy as a working mom? Or does that make you happy? Or would you like to just be a mom at some stage? What makes you happy? No, no, no, no, no. I think that I was born. My DNA doesn't allow me to slow down or stop. That's just not who I am. I was just having this conversation with someone before you came here today on another podcast. I'm built to be super driven and ambitious on a bad day. Like, I can't slow down even in my head. So even if I wanted to, I don't have the wherewithal.

1:31:49Like, since I was, like, six, I was extremely tenacious. I was extremely, like, ambitious. I was extremely curious. Curiosity has, like, been, like, the gateway drug for everything for me. Because I want to know everything. I want to know everything about you. And it comes from, like, a genuine place. So, like, I get super into something and I, like, want to see it through and follow through. and I like I like the thrill of the chase so it wouldn't work for you no it wouldn't work yeah and you wouldn't be as good as are you a better mom when you're happier oh yeah I mean it doesn't work I mean like I don't know what to do with myself if I don't have 97 plates in the air like when I don't have that much going on I actually see my serotonin like I get depressed yeah like I need to have and then I complain that I have too much going on but then if I don't have enough going on that I'm also don't like it but it's human nature we're designed to be busy and problem solving and if we're not it's just I and I know it sounds a bit judgmental but the people that don't problem solve enough they look for problems and that's I always say that you don't have enough going on if you're it's like people like what happened to you yeah if that girl had enough going on in her life she would be too busy to be preoccupied with what with ruining you yeah you know what I mean like it's just too if you have a busy life literally what people say and do doesn't affect you exactly yeah so that's why it's so important to be have some kind of purpose i don't know it's hard because even when i've slowed down with the cancellation and stuff i'm finding it like really difficult it's very difficult it's just not who it's not who you are and i don't respect myself when i'm just scrolling and doing nonsense yeah it's the worst thing that's the thing like i don't believe in balance i think that's like a load of shit i also think that when you asked me earlier you're like oh you know about you coming on here and blah blah blah and what people are going to say and think and whatever if you like like you said i'm too busy to be worrying about what this person says and that person like i'm just going to be me and do me and whoever likes it great and if they don't that's good too yeah they'll find they'll they'll find their tribe because even when i see some videos about me they're like 45 minutes long and i'm like 45 minutes i can't even what anyone has so many views and i'm like i'm watching it you know what because people like this is the thing when people are when they don't have enough shit in their life they get joy out of looking at someone's demise in life that's what my point is that's shot and for you it's so strange isn't it you asked me earlier what kind of person is that is people who don't who are who have low self-esteem who don't have they don't they don't either have enough or they don't have enough going on in their life or a combination of both but like honestly people i know they're too busy too busy because even when i was on the plane here and i was watching all these real housewives i was like oh finally i get to watch all this nonsense.

1:34:32But I don't get to watch it in my real life because I feel almost a guilt of watching nonsense. I can't watch it in the real world because I'm like, I can't sit here as a grown woman watching Love Out. I'm a grown woman. I can't do that. I won't watch those shows. But when I was in the plane and stuck, I was like, oh, let me just put on some reality now because I feel a guilt when I watch nonsense. I feel like you could be doing so much better. So then that's just reality, which is harmless. Imagine watching gossip all day, what that must do to your brain. Exactly. I find like there's a time and place to have like that like gossipy tv it can like it turns your brain off and all the other things but like i don't like it myself i i don't find that to be valuable a good a good way of spending my time i'd rather get a massage i'd rather like go in my sauna i'd rather listen to a ted talk i would rather do something that's something a little better like your podcast and teaching people to be successful is so important because one thing i would say before i was uh online my job was i was teaching psychology in colleges and we were paid like three thousand dollars a month.

1:35:30That's what teachers get paid. And that's what all of us were. So we had so much time to be bored and we'd have this mentality that successful people are mean, successful people are bad. When I started working with more and more successful people, the main thing I find with them is they lack jealousy. They're almost incapable of it. I'm like, they don't have jealousy in them because they'll see you succeeding and they're like, oh yeah, take this. Oh, by the way, I know somebody who can do this. And there's somebody in that agency and they see helping people is so normal and they don't see they're just they're not there's not many people they're jealous of whereas when you are around people of low that's why i think income is really important when you're around low-income people they're jealous of everybody well that's what happens i think you are a you're a combination of the five people around you the most right so that's why it's very important to pick your people very very that's very like pick the people who surround you but i also think to your point when you're like a successful person whatever in any realm, I think again, it becomes about time.

1:36:27I don't have time to sit here and be jealous of you. Also, if someone has what I want, like if I, if I really like what you have, like I would rather, I'm so curious. I'd rather find out how you got it and then do those things to get it. Because again, it's like the growth, it's like, it's either you're going to be that, what's that called? And it's, um, it's either like that mindset, not fixed mindset. It's not about fixed. it's not about a mindset it's actually about like you can either have the the mindset of like there's like there's little to be go around or a lot to go around abundance abundance yeah that's the word i was looking for thank you um scarcity or abundance i'm not about a scarcity even like i'm not like i've had people here who've been like even like out in the world you know like i was supermodels whatever i'm never jealous like i think to myself great they have that well i have this.

1:37:17You know what I mean? Like it doesn't change my self-esteem. Jealousy is really a symptom of depression because I remember when I was going through the cancellation, I was jealous of people who haven't been canceled. I'm like, oh my God, I wish I could go back in time. And I wish, and I finally started experiencing jealousy. And what I really experienced is seeing myself and her outer body because I was like, maybe if I did see this random girl come out of nowhere and then automatically she's on all these podcasts and everything's growing for her, maybe I would be the same. Like actually now I could finally step back because of the free time and realize I can understand that perspective.

1:37:49So jealousy is a symptom that you're not, you're not fulfilling your potential in life. You take whoever you're jealous of and figure out how they did it rather than just constantly bashing them. It's just not good for you. Exactly. So then I wanted to ask you even earlier about the, so who's, who did you marry? What kind of guy is he? He's a good person. That's the main thing I would say. There's flaws in every single man. But one thing I remember standing out with him is like, you know, this work on masculinity. My main issue was finding people that were either so like in awe and they might just be so happy and just be so people pleasing or they're so toxic.

1:38:21They were just so on the other end. There was a really hard to find a balance. And I think what I found really respect, what I respected in him is that he liked who he was. That's what it boiled down to. He just liked the man he was. So he liked the decisions he makes. He likes everything. And if you're nice to him, amazing. If you're not nice to him, he can't accept that and because I was still very insecure and like all of these types of things in the beginning I would fight and all this stuff it was not like this oh please be with me no matter what it was like but if you're not going to be nice to me this is not going to work and when I realized that people who like themselves make you a better person because they make you behave better in order to be in their life I thought in his influence I'm always going to stay a nicer better person and unfortunately because he's not on social media I think if he was on social media a bit more he probably could have balanced me out a bit more because I'm still quite reactive and I still can get annoyed and I can do all of these things.

1:39:09Whereas if I kind of followed his lead more, he just doesn't react to anything. And that would have helped me a bit. If I wasn't so reactive and I wasn't like so ballsy and I was a little bit more play the game, maybe I wouldn't attract so much negativity. So I have to take accountability. What did you do to attract negativity? You were just being honest. Yeah, I know. What did you do that was negative? I think even when this person was attacking me, I was like cussing him back. I was like, what are you talking about? like who are you talking oh you're fighting back and there's no need because with these people that you can't compete with how low they can go whereas you'll have a limit and you'll be like this is not worth my time they don't have a limit that is all they'll do so it's just a waste of your energy there was no need to respond or talk or anything or there was just no need it just makes it worse for you yeah it totally makes it makes it 100 % worse for you god i feel so terrible No, it's okay.

1:39:57These things happen. I don't know what God's plan is. It's not a good one. It's going to have to find its balance because I think it's just... And my only thing is it would be a shame if I didn't come back completely because I think the information is quite important and it's quite helpful. It is. And most people who are giving advice aren't actually working with people daily. So they'll just, you know, chat GBT a script and then they'll read it off the script and people are like, oh, yeah, yeah. And it's just like, but that's clearly AI that you're just, or like the person's just chat GBT should just go viral.

1:40:27So I like to learn from people who like if they've had a successful business or if they've worked really hard or whatever. I need to know from your experience rather than you just trying to go viral. A hundred percent. You're talking from practical experience. And that's the only reason I got this knowledge is from working with people. So it would be a shame to not give the information again. I totally agree. Hold on. I've got more questions for you. I'm so sorry. I'm boring you. Oh, my God. Shut up. You're not boring me at all. I think you're actually. I'm going on forever. No. I've got a couple more questions.

1:40:55Yeah. Okay, the first question I have for you, let's talk about the one that's very, very popular. Love bombing. Yeah. Is this a real thing? No. But you know me, I say no to everything. Yeah, but that's what I like. I like to hear the counter argument. Here's the thing. If you can fall for somebody who immediately wants to marry you, immediately showering you with gifts, immediately doing all of these things, and you don't stop and think, you don't even know me enough to do all of this. Instead, you think, I met the love of my life. That's something's wrong in you. If somebody came to me and started immediately wanting to marry me, immediately wanting to shower me with gifts, immediately pushing, pushing forward, forward.

1:41:30If I had low self-esteem and there's been times in my life where that definitely would work. If I had low self-esteem and I'm not used to attention, I'm dying to be loved. Of course, that's going to work on me. But if you're an adult and you are rational, you say, hey, listen, you don't know me enough to be this attached. so when you start like being a little bit more secure in yourself and not desperately needing a home you won't fall for these things but when you are low stuff and i've been there and i think lots of people have been there when you're feeling so low and someone can make you feel good you're more like susceptible to it so you just have to see love bombing the same way you see thieves stealing cars every there's going to be thieves everywhere you just lock your doors you make sure you're safe there's going to be guys that will love bomb the girls that love bomb you just lock your doors a little bit by saying hey like are you sure you're just not rushing this is everything okay, you question the person that's overly attached to you too soon because they're usually hiding something.

1:42:19When does this happen though, normally? Because sometimes you can convince yourself that it was like love at first sight or that you guys just had a really great connection and it was like the real thing. When is that not the case and when is it love bobbing? I think it can be confusing. It takes conflict for you to know the difference. People are great in the beginning, but how you handle conflict will let you know if it's actually a connection or if it It was just a facade. So let's say, for example, everything's going great. Everything's amazing. You have some disagreement and they totally ghost and they disappear.

1:42:51Then you know that it's probably not real. But if it's when you have conflict and you can still push through it, then chances are you've got a real connection there. So when there's conflict, but I would say be careful of people who are still hurt from a previous relationship because they love bomb the most. People who are just coming out of a relationship, just got out of a marriage and just got out. They want to maybe get back at an ex. They maybe want to win the competition. So they might take somebody vulnerable and be like, let's just quickly get married. And they accelerate this new person's connection to match the level of attachment they already have to somebody else.

1:43:18They're trying to just balance out. So just be mindful if a man's just come out of a situation and wants to make somebody jealous, those people can sometimes love bomb. How long does a love bomb last? As soon as there's conflict or if they are using you to get over somebody else, as soon as they're healed from that other situation, they'll disappear from you. But I would say conflict is a big solution, whether it's genuinely they're just attracted to you and love you so much or if they love bombing you. genuine attraction can happen where it feels like love bombing but what the difference will be is when you have conflict they want to they want to get through it they take accountability you both work you come out stronger but love bombers as soon as there's a conflict they kind of disappear what about codependence yeah codependence occurs far more than we realize it's a lot of it is you know if you've never been single it's very difficult for you to be alone so you kind of your identity comes from that relationship now people with codependency what happens is they go from relationship to relationship, they find it very difficult.

1:44:12And usually where it comes from is they either had just, maybe they lost a parent, didn't have one parent. There wasn't some, there wasn't that stability, particularly with fathers. So women that have that codependency, maybe their father wasn't around. And what happens is when you do have a father or a male figure in your life, you always feel somewhat safe, like you're all good. But when you don't have a father and then you have to be single, that biological urge for a man comes back. So they end up just going into relationship to relationship and they might adjust their personality to fix that or adjust their identity to fix a new person and they don't know who they truly want and who they truly are so codependency the biggest sign is going from relationship to relationship and struggling to be single and they'll say oh i don't know how it happened but really how it happened is you went as uh you weren't selective you would just keep going into relationship to after relationship men though too right men a lot men a bit more one are more codependent men more one thing i find is particularly as people age, women can get to 35 onwards.

1:45:12And if they're single, they're actually okay. Men, if they get divorced or if they're separated from a woman, they physically can't be single. They physically can't do it. I think they just don't. I don't know what it is. I think we are very lucky in the sense that as women, you can draw a lot of your happiness from your kids, like so much from your kids and the affection as well that hits the spot. And from your family, friends, everything. We've got good connections where we don't feel completely incomplete without about a man. Men, there's very few people that they're totally connected to that they'll call on a regular basis.

1:45:41They'll see and just have dinner with their kids. They love their kids, but the impact of kissing them and hugging them is not the same as it does to a woman. So I think they draw so much from a wife that a wife doesn't draw just from them. That's so interesting. Yeah, I can see. I see that. I see men who are codependent and like the more so than the women. Way more. And especially even like if you speak to widows, they've got no desire to marry again. Men will literally start itching the moment they can't be. I don't think they're designed to be without wives. They start to self-destruct. They start to do addictions and bad habits.

1:46:19So you'll meet these men who are perpetually single and you look at their life and it's very chaotic. Or they've got dark secrets. Maybe they're paying for OnlyFans and doing all these. They're doing something. They might look like they've got nothing wrong, but something's dark is going on in their life behind closed doors. How do you know Because testosterone is testosterone. You need women. So if they're single for way too long and yet they're not even hooking up or when they do get with a girl, they're not initiating. Because one of the signs I talk about in the book is there's a lot of men that don't initiate sex anymore.

1:46:52And they just don't. They deprive their wife of sex and she's always confused. And of course, they might be having an affair. But a lot of the time, there's a darkness, usually pornography, that is making them immune to real sex. So I would say that when a man is single, there's something, it's not good for them. They're either going to become lonely or they're going to become addicted to something. Addiction is the main thing. Our coping mechanism is just, we can go for lunch on Fridays and they get in the sun and we're like, oh, I'm so good. Like, no problem. For them, that means nothing to them.

1:47:25Like going for lunch with their friend is like nothing to them. What they need is sexual or female connection. And that's where they go down quite a dark path. That's why I don't recommend it for them. Amazing. Yeah. What else have I not asked you that I have to ask you? No, you've done great. I feel like I've talked too much. We're talking. Talk too much. It's only been, what, two hours? Yeah. That's not that long. I can go for another five hours with this one. I mean, I feel, hold on. I want to make sure I didn't. I wanted to ask you something. Hold on. Hold on. You said one of your questions for the red flag indicators is ask someone if they've always been attractive.

1:48:00Yeah. because I find that people get annoyed by this, but I actually think pretty privilege, there is ugly privilege and people don't realize that. Yeah, there is ugly privilege. And what ugly privilege is, is like when you're a beautiful woman or you look after yourself or whatever, automatically people are less sympathetic than you realize. Like, yes, men give you privilege, right? No problem. Men will give you privilege, but there'll be a whole host of men that will be meaner to you because you're attractive. Whereas when you're neutral or you're not attractive, you might not get privileged, but you won't get abused.

1:48:29You'll just be left alone. Whereas pretty girls might get a little bit more pretty privilege from men, but they get a lot of abuse from men. But also the main thing that happens with pretty girls is they get a lot more abuse from women. Women will automatically assume that she's the culprit. She can't be the victim. Whereas if you take a woman who is less attractive, automatically she's a victim. Automatically she must be innocent. Automatically it can't be her fault. And so especially with other women, and we as women spend more time with other women. So we actually get less of a privilege than people think.

1:48:56So I would say like pretty privilege is not as easy as people think. And the other thing I would say is that when a woman is really pretty and she's had a lot of male attention, she tends to be a lot more insecure. And then people realize. And her reason for being insecure is she's always noticed that, you know, when she goes to the gym, a guy will start hitting on her. When she asks for business ideas, he'll start turning it sexual. Everything will revolve around that. So she starts to think this is what men are. They're just so overly sexualized. So when she has a husband, a boyfriend, she can get nervous when he's got a new assistant or nervous when he's joined a new gym.

1:49:27more. She just starts to project her own experiences onto this guy. So they tend to be a lot more insecure. This is like the halo effect, right? But isn't that when you think that people who are physically more attractive, people who are physically more attractive, people assume that they are smarter than they are and their character and morals are better? I think that only applies to men. I really think that halo effect only applies to women. I would imagine if I saw a picture of Pamela Anderson. I'm not going to think she's smart and nice. I agree. I think if it's a like if it's a man who's really attractive like Ted Bundy.

1:50:01Ted Bundy. Yeah. Lots of other investors I've met are founders who raise a lot of monies because who are good looking. Yeah. They assume that because they're good looking successful that they are more intelligent that they are better moral grounds that they're more this this this and this. Yeah. I think that it really is like a logical thing. I think it really applies to men. I think the moment you see an attractive man you think that he gets what he wants in life and that's a good trait but I think when you see an attractive woman you're like she gets what she wants in life she must be a bitch yeah she must be entitled yeah so I think she must be a slut she must be I always think about what Pamela Anderson's life must have been like for her like throughout all those years where there was no Instagram there was no competition she was the only idol I don't believe she could get through life I can't imagine the amount of abuse she must have suffered from men just trying to be with her and women just probably not liking her in so many ways.

1:50:51So I think the halo effect applies to men, but I don't think when women see a really beautiful girl, they might be influenced by her. They might want to imitate her. That's why influencers do so well with brand deals and stuff, and they do really great. But I don't think they assume positive things. I think they might assume negative things. I think they'll assume she's vain or arrogant. So I think the halo effect is a little bit more on the men's side than it is on the women. Yeah, I think that's actually true. And the brand deals for those girls are usually beauty brands, right? Because people are aspirational.

1:51:17oh, if I just take that, if I use that cream, I'm going to look like her. You're not really going to be taking, you know what I mean? Life advice. Life advice, exactly. And you won't take serious advice. And I think because I wear makeup and, you know, I'm always dolled up, it was so difficult for them to take life advice from somebody who looks a bit like a makeup influencer. Yeah. So they were like, we can't trust what she says. It's almost like we can't trust it at all. You can't be both. You can't be both. Whereas I think if they would be like, and this is not in a bad way, but like somebody like Mel Robbins or Esther Perel, Well, because they look like they've learned a lot and they've experienced a lot, automatically what they say, even if I said the same thing, it wouldn't land.

1:51:53So I think, unfortunately, because I am such a makeup girl, it does kind of reduce your credibility. I would imagine to both. It's even that much harder to prove yourself. It's that much harder, unfortunately. What can you do? I mean, I think you keep on being beautiful and keep on talking and not being cancelled. Okay, you guys, Sadia's book is called Red Flags. It is so good. and it's what your therapist forgot to tell you. 10 questions for your therapist to ask you if you are going and or if you're in a relationship, you could be asking your partner. It is super valuable. It is so practical.

1:52:25That's what I love about it. So practical. Like that's everything you say is like honest and practical. And which is why I'm like annoyed that this has happened to you in like real life. But no, you're, it's amazing. So if you want to find Sadia, well, you could buy her blog, but also follow her on Instagram, TikTok, and all the things, right? perfect thank you guys so much for having me this is amazing i love talking to women i forget how much i like it thank you so much for having me this is one of my favorite interviews really yeah i loved it okay i want to clip that okay this is one of my and i've done so many i know yeah i've done so many it's so refreshing so thank you so much for having me oh my god i want you to come back of course of course oh my god please come back my honor my absolute i would go on but i see him like basically like he's stuck with editing yeah he's like leaving already he's like getting his car keys.

1:53:11All right. I'll see you guys later. Bye.