Ant’s Spending Ban & Dec’s Pigeon Problem Takes An Unlikely Turn…

21:59Declan Donnelly:Wow. And not only that, it's all up. You got something there? Yes. Not only that, so you've got this, you've got the golf shoes, you've got golf cap from Manners. There you go. The shoes, the golf clubs, the cap and whatever you call. And I remember somebody bought me these for my birthday last year and I thought, oh, I'll add these to the pile. 12 golf balls. Uh-huh. and you've got my face on your face is on the golf balls why the hell is my face on a set of golf balls I guess somebody thought it would motivate me to hit the ball further genuinely I got both these for my birthday of who a friend in Newcastle so I thought you can there's 12 there a friend in Newcastle I thought you can have 6 of them 6 no you can have them all you can have all 12 you can have all 12 of them I was going to keep 6 no you don't want 6 no well you haven't taken them out of the bag I want to have a smash myself you haven't taken them out of the bag so far this year so you can have them.

22:55Declan Donnelly:So, all right, that's what I want to swap. Okay. This famous guy would like to swap these things. Famous guy swaps things. We've had Andy with the Quiet Police signs. Yes. Yes, this is the whole point. Andy here again with the Quiet Police signs. Swap. Ant. Swap. I'm sorry to say when it comes to your golf stuff, I've already got all the gear and no idea. Also, fill in my garage with more tatty old clubs will probably lead to divorce. Regrettably, I might have to look elsewhere for a swap. Andy! I'm sure your nemesis Jamie Oliver would love to get his hands on these. Andy! Right, right. Respect, guys.

23:33No, there's no respect.

23:34Declan Donnelly:Andy. Respect withdrew to you, Andy. There's no point of... Look how good those clubs are! He doesn't need them or want them. I could have kept them. I could have... It's always good to have a spare set. Oh yeah, I suppose I could... You don't have to swap. No, I've offered them now. I'll have to roll them over. Yeah, you will have to roll them over. So the quiet police signs from the open are not available?

23:56But I do, on the bright side... There's no bright side. There might be. Don't you put your clip on a million, man. Listen to this. This one is from Dom. Hi, guys. Hi, Dom. I have an offer for the swap I think may be very worth it. Yeah, go on. I'm offering a very special pack of trading cards called Galaxy Grippers. I made these myself. And as the name suggests, they're pictures of my feet in space.

24:24Declan Donnelly:oh they're brilliant they're brilliant they are creative though the way I can position my feet into ominous shapes and creatures tells a story oh my god look at that lunar lake one two three four he's got five toes which is good yeah just check it but there's like something in between his toes on that one what's this bottom right one celestial swamp looks like two Loch Ness Monsters. Yeah. I think the specialist websites, which would, there would be a lot of people out there who might pay for these kind of things, but that audience isn't me. Okay. It's an unsuccessful swap that time. Yeah. Sorry, Dom.

25:04Next one from Chris. Hi, Ant and Drummer Deck. I heard this week's... Drummer? Drummer Deck? With drums. Oh. I heard this week's swap segment on the pod and when Ant offered his golf gear, I thought I'd throw something into the mix. In return, I'd offer the kayak I only used twice for no roads missions across Nottingham and Leicester, where I travelled purely using footpaths, rivers and canals. Hurry up and finish talking. It's got a proper story behind it, and I think it would make a really fun swap. I've switched off. I didn't hear the story. I looked at the photo. Even if it's a no, I just wanted to say thanks.

25:36It's a yes! No.

25:40Declan Donnelly:Of course it's a yes. Well, it's a possible. It's a possible. It's a possible for now. Okay. Gareth says, hi Ant and Dec and crew. Hi. Hi Gareth. I know Ant's on this. I'm not buying anything hiatus. And I also know how much you want the new McLaren golf clubs. Yeah. I'm happy to swap my McLaren F1 Lego car for your golf goodies. I had to give a plane golf after having my two beautiful children, Delilah 5 and Ronnie 3, so I sold my clubs to help pay for baby bits. Fair enough. But now they're older, I want to get back into it. And what better way to do this than swapping with my favourite duo ever?

26:23Thank you for considering me, Gareth. Gareth? Are you considering Gareth?

26:28Declan Donnelly:I hate the swap. Right? Yeah. I like Lego and I don't mind a bit of F1, but I don't want a Lego F1 car. But I am a human and I'm a man and a parent and I get it. I get it, right? I get it when it comes to the kids. Yeah. And it makes me sad as a golf lover that the poor man had to sell his golf clubs. That's the story he's telling you. Well, don't you believe him? I'm not saying that. Why would you write a podcast and lie like that? I'm just saying. Well, now you put doubt in my head.

27:01Declan Donnelly:So? Well, I was going to give you a bit of a, you know, an explanation as to me thinking, but... Go on then. You chipped in and said he's a liar. I'm not saying he's a liar. I'm not saying he's a liar. Why you? What did you call Malaya for, Fiona? That's impossible. Possible. Only because of the backstory. The car, I couldn't care less about it. Okay. Next one is from Dale Weston, Emily. Hello, Ant and Dec. Hello, Scottish? Don't know. Doesn't say it. Just that you sound a bit Scottish then. It just says, hello. I have something I'd like to swap with Ant for his golf clubs. For years, I have restored trains as a hobby and I'm willing to swap a diesel English electric 12 SVT engine piston.

27:43I'm not doing this. With a decorative base, no less. I'm not doing it again. It comes fully unclean with quite a nice patina about it. I'm not doing it again. Ready to become a large doorstop or even a coffee table. This piston is definitely an eight large bananas.

27:57Declan Donnelly:Right, first of all, don't use my banana ratings for things like that. Look at that though. Look at it on the screen. What the hell is that? It's a 12 SVT engine piston. Next one, please. That's a no. That's a no. I'll write that. Definitely not. Claire from Bristol says, Dear Ant Deck, I know Ant has a lot of love for his local butchers. Yes. So with the permission of my dad, I would love to suggest a swap of a professional top-notch burger press. Ooh! So Ant can make his own burgers. Ooh! My nephew recently beat tough competition to be accepted into a golf club and has set aside some becoming a professional golfer so he'd be blown away to be the owner of your clubs.

28:38Declan Donnelly:Respect, guys. Claire from Bristol. Right, this is it all. It has a great backstory, really good context, a great swap. I love the fact that these clubs could help her nephew on his journey to becoming a professional. And when he's a professional and he wins the Masters and the Open, he'll come back in and see us, you see? Yes. And he'll get us free tickets to set events. I also love burgers. I love butchers. It's got it all. It's a big, big possible. Hello on deck and team. Hi. I was listening to last week's episode and Ant was offering to give away golf clubs in exchange for a quiet please sign from the Open.

29:15Yes. My fiancé is willing to offer you another quiet please sign, which is signed by a golfer who was playing in the Portrush Open in 2019. He can't remember who the golfer was. He will also throw in his steward's bib from the 2019 Open and a flag from the 2025 Open.

29:39Declan Donnelly:What the? Has he stolen all of these? Love and respect, guys, from Amy. Oh, my God. You may have saved this. You may have saved this. So it's the quiet, please sign, the babe. And the cap? Do I get a cap? No, and a flag from the 2025 Open. It's impossible. It's impossible. Okay, we like that. We like that a lot. Yeah. Okay. Hello, Anthony. Hello, Declan. Hello. Sunday names. Very formal. Full names. You guys have been busy of late, so I thought you'd like something special this week. And I'd like to offer you a framed photo of something special to yourselves and the pod. For legal reasons, I don't own the rights to this image.

30:23All rights and credit go to Caroline. Can't report regards from Rebecca. So hold on, this is a picture of the tap shoes.

30:32Declan Donnelly:It's a framed photo of Caroline's tap shoes. Well, I don't think we're legally able to swap with them because she didn't take the photo and they're not her tap shoes. That's true. So what is she giving me here, a frame? Yeah. Yeah. It's a real shame. It's a whole copyright nightmare. Yeah, that to me screams high court.

30:57Declan Donnelly:Supreme Court of Justice. That's a no. That's a no. Unfortunately, the tap shoes don't make it, unfortunately. We're going to go to the break. Whoa! What the? What? How did it? What? It's heaven's end. We've got a... Oh my God, that thing just flew in. A million to one chance. And stuck to my clipboard. This is going to be it. This must be big news. This is going to be it. He's being on. Guys, it's another letter from Andy with the Quiet Please Signals. Hi lads. Andy again here. I've been thinking. I want to give you a final chance to get a swap for the signs. I know you guys love them, and I agree, they would look great on your shelves.

31:40But a piece of money-can't-buy memorabilia is surely only worth a swap for something that money can't buy. I'm thinking of FA Cup final tickets, a place on limitless win. Okay, I might have started negotiations a little bit high, but you get the idea. He basically wants another offer from you. As always, respect, guys, from Andy.

32:01Declan Donnelly:Andy? I liked you. And I liked your swap. I liked it week one. I liked it week two. You withdrew it week three. But it seems I may have had a better offer. So, Andy, make that into a paper plane and throw it back out.

32:24Declan Donnelly:Andy, sorry, but goodbye. It's a no. That's a no swap. I didn't think today would end up like this, guys. This is taking a turn. This has been epic today's swap. On your shortlist today, we have got a kayak, an F1 Lego model, a burger press. Yes. The quiet please sign, bib, and flag from the 2025 Open. Yes. Are you going to have a little thing about it? Yes, I'll have a little thing about it, please. Find out if and swaps and what it goes for right after this break.

33:05Declan Donnelly:This is an advert for Gemini, Google's personal AI assistant. So now we've got our listener map and we know that our reach is growing throughout the world. It's growing, yes. It got me thinking I want to visit some more places throughout the world, places I've never been before. So I thought... Ask Gemini. Why don't we ask Gemini for some good holiday location recommendations? Come on then. Right, OK. Gemini, where can I go, which is hot? Hot, hot. And plenty of bananas. Where would you recommend? If you're looking for hot destinations with plenty of tropical fruits like bananas, Costa Rica is a great option known for its banana plantations.

33:41Declan Donnelly:The Canary Islands, particularly Tenerife, also have banana farm tours and warm weather. Gemini, could you flip a digital coin to choose between Costa Rica and Tenerife? Can you do that? Heads for Tenerife, tails for Costa Rica. Come on. And it's heads. So Tenerife it is, according to the coin. Thanks, Gemini. Have a fantastic holiday. We will. We will. We will. We'll send you a postcard. We'll send you a postcard. With Gemini, you can chat with a truly helpful AI assistant. You jump in, brainstorm ideas, ask for more details. You can even show it what you're talking about. It's there for a real chat, not just a quick question and done.

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36:34Okay, we are back in the room. We've got four possible swaps for golf goodies. you've had a little bit of time to think about it just to recap you've got Chris's kayak yeah Gareth's McLaren F1 Lego car Claire's burger press or Amy's sign bib and flag from the golf have you made a decision

36:56Declan Donnelly:um the car I don't remember I don't remember saying yes to the car I think you said yes because he had two kids and he wanted to get back in the golf that's right that's right that's right I'm focusing on the item when actually what pulled in the half strings was the story, but now I've seen other swaps. The car's gone. Car's gone. So it's down two. Chris's Kaia, Claire's Burger Press and Amy's Sign, Bib and Flag. First of all, are you going to make a swap or is it going to roll over? I'm going to make a swap. He's going to make a swap. And it's not going to be the Burger Press. The Burger Press.

37:39Declan Donnelly:I tell you why. I'm walking back. I've got such a good butcher who does good burgers, he presses them for me. So I don't need to... Don't need to press your own meat. Don't need to press me on. Doesn't need to press his own meat. So it's down to two very, very good items. It's between the kayak, which you got very excited about. Yeah, and I love it. Only used twice. That's crazy. Almost new. Or the quiet please sign. which is signed by a golfer. We don't know who. He can't remember. The babe and the flag from the 2025 open up Royal Portrush. Which is it going to be? Declan, guys, I've made a choice and I'm going to swap for the quiet police sign, the flag and the babe.

38:37Declan Donnelly:Congratulations, Amy. It's a swap. Thank you, Amy. We'll sign these bits first. We'll sign the cap. Sign the cap. Because the rest, you don't want to sign the shoes. That'll look odd when you're on the golf course. But the cap, you can just put in your bedroom, I suppose. Yeah. Sign it here. Then you sign it. Do you want to sign each of those golf balls with your face on? Yeah, I won't sign them, but you can have them. And there is a bag as well, but I forgot it. A bit like Doug forgot the cookbook for the snow cooker. You've still got to put that in the post. I'll do that. That's a really good swap.

39:05Declan Donnelly:I love this item so much. Happy with that? I'm very happy with that. I kind of got more than what I thought I was going to get in the first place. Yes, you did. Because I thought I was just going to get two Quiet Please signs. I've ended up getting Quiet Please signs and a bib and a flag. This is brilliant. Oh my God. Everybody's happy. Everybody's happy. That's the whole point of the item. Apart from the guy with the kayak. Oh yeah. That's the shame. But you never know if we do it again, right in again. Because I reckon even though I don't live near a huge body of water, I would like that kayak.

39:39and he's not allowed to buy one at the minute I'm not allowed to buy anything at the minute

39:44Declan Donnelly:so a few weeks ago we decided to have a watch a watch group watch along we decided to all watch a TV show and then all give a comment and then we could give a collective banana rating banana rating I picked the show it was The Miniature Wife I've got an aeroplane that's just flown in quite a lengthy letter. I'll read you this. These are people's comments on The Miniature Wife and their banana ratings. Should we start with theirs then come to ours? Yes. Because we've also watched it. Jacqueline Sourbutt says, what have I just watched? Well, first episode wasn't the best and I was going to give up but I persevered.

40:26Declan Donnelly:Must admit, as strange as it was, I kind of enjoyed it. Oh. Not sure I will take up any more of your recommendations though, Ant. Six bananas. Six is quite high. Six is high. Something she didn't enjoy. Hi, Ant and Dec. I've just binge-watched The Miniature Wife and gave it two bananas. Oh, my gosh. It was too long. Nine hours of my life. I'm not going to get back. Love and best wishes. Michelle from Ferry Hill. Michelle, you saw it through to the very end, though. Yeah, I know. Wow. You did better than me. I gave up after two eps. I gave up after two eps. Spoiler alert. Yeah. Lord Charles, don't watch The Miniature Wife.

41:00Declan Donnelly:It is awful and over-the-top acting. It should not have got to ten episodes. you'll be ripping what's left of your hair out. Ha ha. No bananas. No bananas from Lord Charles. Hi guys. I've watched all 10 of The Miniature Wife and I didn't love it. But I did quite like it. It was quite funny. Five bananas. Love you both. Liz in Jersey. Five is still quite high. Five out of eight. Louisa said, started watching The Miniature Wife as Anne suggested and couldn't finish the first episode. So bad. Weak story. Such a shame. I hoped it would be good but it was boring and I like our little characters. Sorry, Ant, I tried.

41:34Declan Donnelly:No bananas. Wow. You've got to at least finish the episode. I don't know how we're going to work out the average of this because I'll give you my banana rate. I've recommended it. And I got to the end of the second episode and I said to my wife, we're not going back to that. Even though I said it on the pod, it was one banana for me. I can't give it zero. Because I like, I really like him. Matthew McFadden. Really like him. Big fan of his. If I ever meet him, you know, I don't want to end up in, don't want beef with him. No, we don't want beef with him. We don't want beef with him. So one banana.

42:05I too watched two episodes and that was enough for me. I kind of got the idea. Yeah. One and a half bananas. Are we doing half bananas? One banana? So one banana, one banana.

42:18Declan Donnelly:One banana, two banana, three banana, four. Then we had like a five and a six. You had a six banana, a two banana. 2.87. We'll round it up to three. Three bananas. It's being... That's generous. Generous. 2.8. Can we give it an average of 2.8? 2.8 bananas for the miniature wife and and answer apologies and my apologies although I would like to ask you all to watch Pluribus which is on Apple TV and is from the writer of Breaking Bad Vince Gilligan Vince Gilligan it is exceptional for a series one it's it's eight bananas for me Pluribus couldn't recommend it highly enough there you go high praise Should I get the old diary out?

43:02Declan Donnelly:Yes. Well, there you are in the bed with your dirty socks. That's why you're home again. And there is a... Scribbling away. There's a letter. It's for me. It's a very short letter. It says, Hi, my daughters Emily and Amelia came up with a funny little jingle idea for Dexterians Bye Bye Light last week's show. They imagine it being sung by a bird on a chimney in a fun 90s Ant and Dexter style. The lyrics are... Coo-coo, coo-coo, coo-coo, coo-coo, coo-coo. Dex Diary. And they've recorded this. Have they? Oh, I thought I just had to sing it. That's from Chris Rufferty. Come on, let's hear it. Coo-coo on the chimney, coo-coo in the sky.

43:47Declan Donnelly:Coo-coo on a dick as the bird flies by. Coo-coo, coo-coo. Ah, that's it. Coo-coo, coo-coo. I get it now. Coo-coo-coo-coo Coo-coo-coo-coo Dad's Diary

44:07Very good, well done girls Thanks girls Love it We are up to the 13th of April 1994 Day 17 of Life on the Road A lie-in

44:17Declan Donnelly:At last A lie-in Oh my god We don't have to get up At the awful time of 12.30 midday Yeah, we gotta lie-in 11.30 I stayed in bed till What a luxury Showered Packed And we all went for a pizza hut for lunch Oh nice That's cute Yeah That's cute isn't it What a great day The end Then we began the long drive north To Mansfield Are you going to name the nightclub we played at? Yes Okay Mansfield Boat smash hits on the way Oh For the single review Oh no Actually got a really good one Oh did we? Four out of five. Deadly! Beaten only by Eternal. Well, that's saying something. They were huge back in the 90s.

45:02Declan Donnelly:Eternal must have got single of the week. Not bad, eh? Not bad at all. That's what I've written. Not bad, eh? Yeah, not bad at all, Duncan.

45:12Got to the Village Nightclub in Mansfield. No, I didn't think it was that. Was it? No. Done the club. The crowd were great. Venue was okay. Right.

45:23Declan Donnelly:Any stage? Any curtains? We had a great time. You didn't mention the stage. I didn't mention the stage. Every time you had a diary entry up until now. Yeah. Obviously, I don't know. It was neither brilliant nor bad. It's just a good stage. A few of the crowd were singing along, so that's nice to see. And hopefully, it is a good sign. Wow, let's hope so. Midweeks tomorrow. Oh, God, how nerve-wracking. I really, really want to know. Oh, so do I, Duncan. What's it going to be? That's the end. Is that it? Good one, though? Short one. It's good, it's good. But yeah, we've been in Mansfield. We've got a good review in Smash Hits.

45:59The crowd is singing along and we get our midweeks tomorrow. So we'll have that next week. Good, very good.

46:08Declan Donnelly:Got a busy week? We've got a big day next Monday. We do have a big day next Monday. Every year we do the King's Trust Awards. And this year, so we host it. And this year they're celebrating 50 years of the King's Trust. So we're going to host that. And we've changed venues. Normally it's in the centre of London. Normally the Palladium Hall. At the Palladium or one of the theatres. But now we've moved to the Albert Hall to celebrate 50 years. It's going to be good. Tickets sold out in a matter of hours, I think. Minutes, I think it was. Minutes, was it? About 25 minutes, yeah. But we've got great acts performing.

46:40Declan Donnelly:We've got Sir Rod Stewart, Ronnie Wood's performing. Jules Holland's going to be there. Anne-Marie. Anne-Marie. And it's basically a day where we give out awards to young people who've been on courses, people who've helped out. And I think there's about 12 awards. Yeah. And there's like celebrity ambassadors who come out to hand out the awards. So you might have Tom Hardy or Idris Elba or, you know. Sir Gareth Southgate. Yeah. Loads of people turn up and do it. It's a very glitzy affair. So yeah, it's good. So we're looking forward to that. Will the King be there? Let's hope so. I hope so. Sometimes he pops in.

47:15Declan Donnelly:Sometimes he doesn't. Might be busy. Does a bit of a speech. Right. Post-back time. Got some letters. Okay. Hi, guys. I've just been watching the latest episode where Ant revealed an uncanny but sadly disintegrating spitting image puppet of himself. Yes, still there. And I heard him ask whether anyone could help restore that puppet. Yes. You're in luck. Good. My partner, George, is a puppet maker, stroke technician, stroke maintainer. Basically, all things puppet. He absolutely loves what he does and he also loves you guys. So this would be a dream meeting of worlds to help restore your puppet.

47:49From Georgie Hanna. P.S. I have a best friend called Bethan. I promise they're real on. Right.

47:57Declan Donnelly:Don't believe the last bit of that letter but everything else I'm there for. So we could pop that little fella in the post. What's he called? George? The guy who's going to do it is George. No, that is from Georgie. Right. Oh, sorry, sorry. She's Georgia and her partner is George. Ah, the two Georgies. That's got to get confusing, isn't it? The two Georgies. But it's easy for me to remember right now. The two Georgies, I would very happily send you my head. Yeah, I mean, look, it's the only offer I've had. So I'm going to take it. You're not going to get a better one than that. Is there a website I can check out their previous work or should I just risk it?

48:27Declan Donnelly:No, they just risk it. Risk it for a biscuit. I mean, look. Look, he's in a pretty sad way. If you're just listening, we're pointing to Ant's spitting image puppet on the shelf behind us, which is kind of only from the top lip up. Yeah, it's pretty sad. It's a pretty sad affair. So yes, I'll send it over. Happily do that. And will he make a little body? Because the body's disintegrating. Doesn't say. Just says. Well, why don't you bring yours in? Yes. and then you'll get to see yours I can show my body show your body on next week's pod okay I'll bring him in and show you my body show your body on next week's pod and then that'll give George some idea how to shape my body just needs to make it a couple of centimetres bigger okay right last letter for the day oh it's a note it says pick up the voice note phone let me get the voice note oh okay got the voice note last one of the day here it is hi Ant and Dec I had an empty bottle of Volvic from around 94 95 when I went to watch you in concert in Basingstoke and uh deck threw his empty bottle of volvic into the crowd and it landed at my feet and loads of girls like jumped on me to get it off of me but I got it I kept it and they were all amazed and were telling me how you've got dex saliva you've got dex saliva um which you know at the time was amazing I mean still is so I kept it and I was really proud of it and then one day it went missing couldn't find it And my mum had thrown it away because she said it was too unhygienic.

50:13I have never recovered from this. I'm gutted. I still think about that bottle fondly.

50:23Declan Donnelly:Oh, that's a sad story. It's a sad end. It's a sad end to what was a really nice nostalgic trip down memory lane for us both. So go get a bottle of water, spit in it and send it back to us. Shut up. Yeah. Yeah. Have you got any water in there? I mean, you don't have a spitting it. Just drink from it. This is probably nicer. Finish this one. Finish that off. Have a little swig of that. Come on, have a good drink. Stick your tongue in where you have it. What are you doing? Don't spit it out.

50:53Declan Donnelly:Don't quit stick your tongue in it.

50:59Declan Donnelly:Stick your tongue in it. Just get a little bit more sliver in there.

51:05Declan Donnelly:right okay Gemma Simpkins this is for you stick your tongue in stick your tongue in she'll love it man she'll love it she'll love it she'll love it man go on stick your tongue in there you go there you go see Gemma just for you you've got dex tongue remnants and saliva leave her a bit of water in there what are you doing what are you doing why don't you just because I finished it last time I was finishing well leave a little bit just leave a little bit I'll leave that there you go Right, you spat all down your jumper now. What a mess. That's easier to get in the post. Right, okay. There you go.

51:38Declan Donnelly:Have you got any tape where you can just tape around the top? Yeah, okay. Okay. Don't drop it, Fiona. Don't swap with one of yours because that won't be the same. She won't like... She doesn't want yours. What a mess. What a mess. What a mess. A fitting way to finish, don't you think? I think so. Dex spitting all over the studio. Let's end it there. Well, thank you very much. I'm sweaty, I'm hot, but I've got myself some new open memorabilia. And you have spat in a bottle and tongued on with a plastic bottle. It's the perfect podcast. Thanks very much for tuning in. Thanks, guys. We'll be back on Monday with a bonus pod.

52:12Very, very good one. Until then, though, respect, guys. Respect, guys. See you next time. See you next time.