Changing Our Mental Maps

26:26I'm thinking about the story you told me about your mom. You know, she recognizes from time to time, you know, it might be better for me, you know, not to dwell on the past and not to, you know, have so much animosity towards my ex-husband. I should move forward with my life. You sort of know these things at one level in your mind. But at some level, your default is to spring back into this model that says, here's the world that I was promised and the world didn't turn out that way. And my mind keeps returning to that groove of feeling betrayed and let down. Yeah, the idea of like a groove, right, or a channel that it's just easier for our thoughts to flow that way, I think is a really good metaphor.

27:06We know that we have certain mental habits that we would like to change. So at the times that we're effortfully concentrating, we're using our attention to choose differently. We have this sense of agency, but our attention is a very fragile thing. And as soon as we're no longer paying attention, we become distracted or especially if we're stressed and fixated on something else. Then what's filling in all the background of what to do, what to think about, what to recall is the default mode network. So I know I shouldn't think about this negative event because I'll become upset. And just the momentary instruction of like, well, this actually isn't skillful right now has very little power compared to all of this machinery saying you should think about it more.

27:50It's about you. And we know from other research that thinking about the self gets the highest priority over any kind of other thinking because those are the types of thoughts that are by definition relevant for our survival. I mean, I'm imagining that if you're driving on a street, for example, and now we see a red light, most of us are not going through the effortful process of saying, all right, that's a traffic signal in front of me. The light has turned red. Red is supposed to mean that I'm supposed to slow down and stop, so I should come to a stop because it's a red light. All of that is happening automatically.

28:25And really what you're saying is that the same thing happens at the level of interpersonal relationships, for example, we have these defaults where we see people, we've had certain patterns of conversations with them, and the default mode network in some ways is putting us into the same mode that we are in when we see a red light and we automatically come to a stop. Right. And it's not that there's zero awareness on a red light. It's more like, let's shortcut through all the reasoning and just give you sort of a basic feeling of like, you need to do this now, and it might be dangerous or unpleasant not to.

28:57And this is the default mode network trying to simplify things for us. That comes with trade-offs because this network is almost like a feeling of certainty in our minds, but the world itself is an unstable and changing place. So it can make it very difficult for us to change if that learning is now being overgeneralized, or even if it's like the same person, but let's say that person has changed or the situation has changed, it's going to be hard for us to change that programming. I mean, as you pointed out, when you were talking to your mom, it was easier in some ways to start with the default of saying, you know, she is in trouble, she is depressed, I need to help her, she's in need of therapy, as opposed to say, let's see where she is today.

29:40Let's pay attention to what's actually going on today. That's a much more effortful process of actually reading where things are rather than assuming you know where they are. Yeah, so it's much more effortful to go in assuming you know nothing about a person and be open to this flood of information and not knowing what to pay attention to and not knowing who this person is and starting from beginning each time is a hugely effortful and also kind of scary process. right like it there's a there's a safety in knowing who people are and what they're up to and what they might say or do to you um and to entertain the possibility that that anything could happen kind of makes you vulnerable right and what if that means you could had to respond in different ways right there might almost be a fearfulness in letting someone just show up totally differently because you know we we want to assume that we're going to be the same person tomorrow and that other people are going to be consistent what if they're not

30:46so you've conducted a number of neuroimaging studies of people who have experienced or are currently experiencing depression you put them in the fmri scanner in your lab so you can see what's going on in their brains in one study you put people in the in this brain scanner and you asked them to watch very sad film clips. What were these clips and what did you find, Norm? Yeah, so in order to be a good prediction machine, the name of the game for the brain is to associate whatever is happening in your momentary experience with other past events so that you can contextualize and interpret those events.

31:24And this is why we think we see the default mode network activating, lighting up in the scanner when people are exposed to sadness is they see something happening. We show themes of loss. We show clips from Terms of Endearment and the mother saying goodbye to her kids because she has terminal cancer, for instance. And the brain is sort of saying, oh, okay, I'm getting this interpersonal interaction happening. What's happening here? Oh, a mother is sick and she's having to say goodbye to her kids. And we immediately relate that our own experiences of loss, of having to say goodbye to loved ones, of the fragility of life, our own severed relationships.

32:05And this helps us go from just seeing pixels moving around on a screen to really feeling immersed in a story. This is why we enjoy stories so much because they aren't just about the protagonist in the story, they're about us. And that's the default mode now we're kind of filling in like, wow, look at how richly this particular stimulus, this particular event or experience is actually a candidate for many other experiences or a prototype of many other experiences that have happened in our own lives. It's a ubiquitous kind of response to try to think about, you know, how can I make sense of this experience in terms of what I already know about myself and the world.

32:44Now, you did find a difference between people who are prone to depression and people who are not showing signs of depression, but it wasn't in the default mode network, but in another region of the brain. What did you find, Noor? Yeah, so this really surprised us that the default mode network wasn't driving our prediction of who is depressed and who wasn't. We thought, of course, people who are depressed are so sucked into their negative life stories that this is causing depression, and it just wasn't. I had to sort of open up my own set of expectations, my map for what was going to happen, and say, okay, well, If I'm going to make something out of this study that tells us something about depression, maybe I should look for what else is happening in the brain.

33:28And when I started now looking at what parts of the brain were deactivating, where we actually saw less activity during sad films compared to neutral films, we saw that it was the parts of our brain that represent what's happening in our bodies that tend to be turning off. So there's parts of the brain that we know across almost every person represents what's happening on the surface of your body. And we know that there's parts of the brain that represent the internal feeling state of the body. And it was these regions that were deactivating in response to the sad film clips. And what really convinced me that there was a story here, because this is not how I think even the general scientific community would think of depression, vulnerability.

34:11It's still thought of as being the triggering of threat signals that then trigger you into your defensive habits. So what really convinced me that this was important was when we looked at what parts of the brain had activity that correlated with or helped us predict whether someone was depressed or not, it was this pattern of deactivation in body representation regions that was significantly associated with whether people were depressed or not. And it did not seem diagnostic to look at differences in how much people were activating the default mode network. It just seemed that what might be pathological or harmful is doing this to the exclusion of continuing to process and update yourself with information about how your body is feeling.

34:59And when you say how the body is feeling, you mean everything from, you know, are my eyes seeing color? Are my ears hearing sound? What is the feeling of the carpet on my feet or the desk under my arm? It's all of the feelings and sensations that are flooding into the brain. And you're saying that in people who had a propensity for depression, these areas were suppressed. These signals were being suppressed. Right. The most pronounced places that were associated with depression were specifically the regions for what am I feeling in my body right now? So as you know, how do I feel lying here in the scanner?

35:39Am I hot or cold right now? Do I feel sensations like in my gut? does my heart ache, my throat feel constricted? And if we think about our strong emotional responses, you feel it a lot of times in your chest and in your gut. And if this signal is being suppressed while you're thinking about your sadness, it's that kind of perfect storm that's actually associated with depression, which poses its own sort of conceptual mysteries for us to understand because it's not at all what we expected.

36:18It's almost at that point like you have a brain without a body. Your brain is full of its own thoughts, its own activity, its own self-perception, but it's not paying attention to signals coming in from the body. That's right. In the case of depression vulnerability, what's happening is people are saying, well, I want to protect myself from these negative feelings. They feel bad or threatening or just icky. And so I'm going to just for now, I'm going to pause taking a new information just while my brain thinks about this model of me being sad. And meanwhile, the default mode network is saying, I'm just going to keep thinking about all the reasons, you know, I should feel sad right now.

36:55And I've felt sad in the past and link all this information together until I get interrupted by new information. So you have this kind of recipe for, turning on the sadness machine and then locking all the doors for other visitors that might interrupt sadness. So there's this ironic perpetuation of our sadness by conceptualizing it and cutting out the sensory aspects of it. The default mode network is not in the business of changing unless it has to integrate new information. And now we're not letting it integrate new information.

37:36To put this another way, the brain is doing two things. It's taking in information and then using that information to improve its internal maps of the world. People with a propensity for depression seem to stop taking in information, leaving the brain with only its own internal maps. If those maps are filled with ruminations about an unfair, unkind, unhappy world, that becomes the only world we can see. Even if good things happen to us even when we catch a break our internal map continues to paint a picture of gloom. When we come back how to update our internal maps. You're listening to Hidden Brain.

38:21I'm Shankar Vedanta.

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39:42This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. Norman Farb is a psychologist and neuroscientist at the University of Toronto. With Zindel Siegel, he's the author of Better in Every Sense, how the new science of sensation can help you reclaim your life. Pop psychology talks a lot about the differences between the left brain and the right brain. But Norm says the more important distinction might be between the front of the brain and the back of the brain. The front of the brain is where a lot of our map-making happens. The back of the brain is mostly where the brain picks up information from our senses.

40:22Among people with a propensity for depression, Norm says the map-making part of the brain is very active, while the part that processes sensory information is shut down. The more stressed we become, the more we start seeing that the front of the brain becomes active and many parts of the back of our brain are becoming deactivated. So I think you can think of it as a tale of two partners that are trying to work together to help get you through life. And one of these partners is the default mode network. It really uses a lot of the mental machinery that makes us more evolved. and its job is to make a really good model of the world and help us use that model to efficiently get through life.

41:04But this other partner is the sensory parts of our brain that are still open to the fact that the world is changing, right? It's almost like this force of chaos. And we need to have chaos because the world is changing and our models are going invariably to be wrong if they do not adapt to change. And so what seems to be happening when people become stressed, or you feel like you're stuck in a rut, or you wonder why you keep doing the same things or having the same interactions play out the same way, it seems to be the case that the part of our brain, which we think is driven by default mode network activity, has become too dominant.

41:48And And it's happening at the expense of the sometimes scary process of letting the chaos of the world in that could change our models of the world, which also means changing us. At the same time, I think this might explain now why someone who has a certain map of the world is sort of finds themselves not able to extricate themselves from it. Part of the problem might be that they simply have stopped taking in information that could tell them that their map is wrong. Right. So if your response to a stressor is to think, okay, I don't have a lot of time to learn something new right now. I have to deal with this situation.

42:26What do I already have in my toolbox to deal with this sort of situation? Someone is being aggressive towards me, or I've just experienced a failure and I'm worried about what the future holds. we're driven to use what we already know. But if the problem is that what we already know is leading us to repeatedly get into conflict or to run into failure or to descend into the pits of despair, then we just keep reaching in to the toolbox that has the same tools that are causing the problem in the first place. I'm also imagining, let's say you have a fight with someone who is close to you and the fight is very painful and you're flooded with all kinds of sensations, your cortisol levels are elevated.

43:08So there's a lot of signals coming in from your body that, in fact, something very unpleasant has happened. And now your default mode network kicks in. You're telling yourself a story about how this fight came to be and what your relationship is like with this other person. You have now the elaboration of the map. You have a map of the fight in addition to the fight. I think what you're saying is that two hours after the fight is over, the body has stopped sending you signals that a terrible fight has happened. The body has gone back to baseline. But the story of the fight, the map of the fight continues in our heads.

43:39And for some people, that map becomes so powerful that the fight now persists. And now it has a life that basically is lasting a week, a year, a decade, when the bodily sensations of that fight, in fact, have dissipated in a couple of hours. That's exactly right. And then the insidious thing is that because you're telling this story, even after the body's calmed down, your body doesn't know the difference between you telling the story about the fight or the fight. So it thinks the fight's happening again. So you do actually get more cortisol and more stress hormones released into the body as you hold on to this over and over again.

44:14And so, yeah, it's really this irony that it makes sense that we want to get away from feeling bad. We want to move things into a kind of conceptual realm where we can manipulate them and think about it in terms of a story and it's less energy intensive and all these things. So it makes sense that we do this, But then before we know it, exactly as you said, now we have this model of the fight that we can carry with us wherever we go. And that's what happens in real life. Someone says something at work and then your body kind of calms down, but then driving home, you think about it again and the body reacts.

44:47And then you go home and you tell your loved one about it. And so now it's happened again. And then you call your friend and you say, do you know what this person said to me? And it happens again and again and again. So we are like inflicting the fight over and over again, even though it was only like two or three minutes of our day.

45:09You know, I'm thinking about this story that is ascribed to Buddha and Buddhism. There's a story of something that's called the second arrow. And the Buddha is supposed to have said, as we go through life, you know, we're going to be struck with arrows. Unfortunate things are going to happen to us. tragedies are going to strike us. But what we shouldn't do is we shouldn't take a second arrow and plunge it into the site of the first injury. And really what you've just described, you know, you have the fight at work, but then you're reliving that fight now 20 times. And each of those 20 times, you're plunging a new arrow into the site of the old wound.

45:46I think there's a really nice parallel there. It's these stories we tell ourselves about the negative events that are like the second arrows, potentially, if the stories we tell are negative or disempowering. And of course, we learn what stories to tell to interpret events very early on in life through the modeling of the people around us.

46:09Norm says that being disconnected from our senses can keep us from feeling connected to other people. The more we live inside the world of our internal maps, and the less we pay attention to how our interactions with others make us feel, the less happy we are going to be. And it's kind of catastrophic because we know that our reasoning is never able to take everything into account. And there's times we can have, you know, perfect reasons for our actions and be doing drastic harm to our sense of relatedness or connectedness. So we're not taught to balance this sort of reasoning with, well, what does it feel like while you're being right?

46:51What does it feel like while you're showing that your model is the correct model? And I guess there's a trend of saying, the signal that things need to change is often a sensory signal. It's this feeling that there is something amazing and great about feeling connected to other people, for instance. And to feel that rupture and realize that something's wrong, no matter how right you are, like symbolically and logically, that's a really powerful motivator to put down your model for a little bit and think about like, you know, what am I assuming here? Yeah. And you think about so many, you know, both interpersonal disagreements as well as, you know, partisan disagreements that we have.

47:31So much of that is about, you know, my map versus your map, as opposed to asking, you know, how does this affect the relationship between me and you? Yeah, I really think, I mean, what many of us want, and I can say definitely what I want, is to feel connected and loved and accepted by other people. And that's a real feeling, right? In the times that I am most satisfied with my life, I feel like I have that connection and it's able to be there reliably. And the times that I've felt at my lowest is when I feel like alone.

48:11Not to be too melodramatic, like Shankar we just met, but I can feel a connection right now as we speak. And that's motivating me to open up more and share more. And it's meaningful. And I just feel like we don't even have a great vocabulary for that. We're not taught that to the same extent we're taught, you know, math or spelling. and we don't have a culture that checks in on that feeling of connection or disconnection as being as important as maybe some of our outward indicators of health and success. I really think it's this felt sense of connection both to ourselves in the world, but by extension to other people, to other living beings, that's often missing when people feel like life has gone awry somehow.

49:06The solution, Norm says, is to deliberately and consistently reconnect with the world of the senses. To feel, to hear, to see. The more attentive we are of our bodies, the less likely we are to get trapped inside our internal, outdated maps. Norm says he has embraced a tactile practice each morning to help him be present with his family instead of letting the models inside his head tell him how to behave. You know, in the morning when I'm tired and grumpy, I needed something that would just break right through and remind me that I had some intentions about how I wanted to be in the world. So what I learned to do is associate the feeling of cold tiles on my bathroom floor touching my feet with a reminder that I can be intentional about my relationships.

49:58and I've used that especially in times I felt really like calcified in my relationships if I'm stuck in a pattern where I'm getting you know into quarrels with my kids for instance then I would use touching those tiles in the morning as a way to remember like today's a new day it's a chance to to look at things differently like can you stay open right now I understand that there was a morning recently when you and your kids were running behind schedule and you felt yourself getting increasingly angry. This had happened before and your mental maps were saying, you know, they never listened to me, we're always running late.

50:34Describe what was happening in your mind and what you did at that point, Norm. Yeah, so I pride myself on being an engaged parent and I want my kids to learn about punctuality and I have a model that like, I should be able to get them to school on time. And I would find that, you know, the harder I pushed them to get ready, the more they would kind of flop around and be playful and, you know, bicker with each other. And I would just be losing my mind. Like I would feel like this rage building up, this frustration of like, why won't you do this basic thing for me? Like, don't you even care about me?

51:11And at the same time, I have like a meta rage, but like, but I'm studying mindfulness. I'm supposed to be open to these things and just like, let the feeling go. And so I noticed like, okay, I'm just going to notice my rage. And then like three seconds later to be like, get your like freaking shoes on, right? Like, so just like attending to the rage and being open to the feeling of anger actually wasn't just going to take care of this problem. What I needed to do was actually be more exploratory. And I remember like looking at my kids and being like, they don't care about getting to school on time.

51:40They just want to play. And I was like, well, what's it like to like, feel like you want to play and feeling this kind of warmth and like the sparkle again of like, instead of rejection of them, like sort of othering them as like people who are thwarting my plans, like feeling like, well, I want to be connected to them. I want to play too, but we also have to get to school. And then realizing like, well, then really what I just need to do is get them out the door with this kind of feeling of connection and playfulness. Like, how could I do that? I bet you if like a big scary monster showed up and was threatening to tickle them, they would be really motivated to get out the door, but it wouldn't be like angry dad time.

52:17So I felt the anger, but I also felt this connection to my kids. And I learned to become this kind of tickle monster when they were kind of messing around, getting out the door. And eventually they started to be like, oh, he's turning to the tickle monster. Get your shoes on really quick because you're going to get tickles. And it was like a totally different way around the problem that wasn't about being stricter or having more consequences or lecturing them about responsibility or other things that little kids just don't care about and are actually connection disrupting. so yeah foraging isn't as simple as just like if you get into sensation all your problems are solved it's the beginning of starting to explore right and then remembering like what are you actually exploring for here like are you willing to be surprised that the way to get this kind of connection the way to have this feeling of positivity it's not it's not the way you expected it to look but it's probably available if you're willing to to let go of what you know and try other things.

53:22There's another way of describing what Norm was doing at that moment. He was practicing radical acceptance. He realized that he wasn't getting anywhere by lecturing his kids or getting angry with them. And this acceptance gave him the space to try something new. Recently, we heard from a listener named Meg who shared her own story of radical acceptance. A few years ago, Meg was struggling to maintain the life she'd built for herself and her family. I wasn't just stuck. I felt like I was melting. On the surface, my life looked good. I was a successful lawyer with my own firm. I had two beautiful kids, a husband, and a menagerie of pets.

54:04But underneath, the pressure was too much. My nine-year-old daughter had been diagnosed with autism and ADHD, among other diagnoses, and she was in crisis. Later, my son would receive the same diagnoses. What's more, I, like so many other moms in their 30s and 40s, was diagnosed with autism and ADHD myself, following my daughter's diagnosis. Despite making small changes in my life, I was still pushing myself to levels of professional and personal performance that was breaking me. Meg didn't know how much longer she could cope with the pressure she was under. And she didn't know how to make things better.

54:41Eventually, though, she accepted that something had to give. I realized that my family's brains really are fundamentally different and that we cannot function in the way that society may expect. Once I accepted that my life was not going to be the way that I planned, everything changed for the better. My children and I are now all thriving. They are in a specialized school for twice exceptional learners. My husband and I shifted our parenting when we realized that having extraordinary children requires strategies that are extraordinary. I closed my law firm and joined another amazing firm that accepts me for who I am and where I can focus on the work I love.

55:20It has even led me to what I believe is my purpose in life, using my communication skills to help others better understand and support neurodivergent families in the legal system. Without the radical acceptance that my family and I are fundamentally different, we would still be in crisis, and we would not have found our way to live deeply meaningful and fulfilling lives.

55:47When we experience a series of crises, we long for greener grass, for less work or more work, for a different relationship, for a bigger this or a stronger that. But often, accepting where we are is the first step in getting where we want to go.

56:09When we come back, listen to our questions and stories about struggle and acceptance. You're listening to Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantham.

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58:33This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. When we imagine our future lives, we typically ask ourselves, where do I want to go? Often, that dream of the future involves frustration with the present. We feel we're not where we deserve to be in our career or our relationship. We feel wronged. At Stanford University, Dave Evans says that these feelings of anger or unfairness can block us from seeing reality clearly. With Bill Burnett, Dave is the author of How to Live a Meaningful Life, using design thinking to unlock purpose, joy, and flow every day. Dave recently joined us for two Hidden Brain episodes called Designing a Life That Matters and Radical Acceptance.

59:21Last week, we heard part one of our listener-focused segment with Dave about getting unstuck. This week, he returns to answer listener questions about the idea of radical acceptance. Dave Evans, welcome back to Hidden Brain. Thank you, Shankar. Glad to be here. Dave, you spent time as a technologist before you became a design thinker at Stanford University, and both in the world of technology as well as in the world of helping people design their lives, you say that we need to deeply understand what's going on around us before we can change anything. But in order to deeply understand what's happening, step zero is accepting reality for what it is.

1:00:00Unpack this idea for me. Well, we've been teaching design thinking at Stanford since 1963. That's where actually originally called human-centered design, HCD, was in fact begun. It's been around a long time. And the steps are empathy, deeply understand what you're looking at and what you're in the midst of, then define what problem you're going to actually solve because you understand the situation well enough to pick a good problem, then have ideas, then prototype those ideas, then finally test your result before you let it out into the world and off you go. So those are the steps. And we noticed that empathy, deeply understand the situation first and foremost, is great.

1:00:42But you have to enter that process willingly. So step zero is accepting that reality is, in fact, the way it currently is. I have to have that acceptance in hand so that when I'm looking at my reality, trying to understand what's going on in my family or what's going on in this company. Or, you know, my soon-to-be daughter-in-law was in a company that had a 40 % layoff a couple of weeks ago because of AI. Like, okay, do I accept those realities? Am I willing to see things as they are that enables me to actually be more objective, see more deeply into the situation? And that seeing deeply into the situation is what's going to free me to empower me to design the best possible thing.

1:01:23So acceptance precedes everything. Talk about why this radical acceptance is so difficult to achieve. What are the internal processes, the thoughts, the emotions that get in the way of us being able to accept where we actually are? That's a big and complex question. And let me oversimplify and say it's really all about being too goal-oriented. We long for a certain outcome. We have a goal. We have something in mind. And we're trying to pursue it. And we have a plan for how we're going to accomplish pursuing that goal. And in order for that plan to work, reality is supposed to comply. And then reality goes off script and we have to change.

1:02:04And maybe we even have to change what our objective is going to be because that's not going to work out as originally intended. And we feel like it's so disappointing. We may even feel that it's immoral to let go of our goal or to see things a different way. Like I'm committed. I promised myself I was going to do this. I'm not going to give up. And so somehow we get so stuck on the version of reality that was required for us to get where we're trying to go, that we feel we have been wronged. In your introduction, you said people feel wronged. So acceptance can be hard because we feel like we're giving up, maybe even immorally giving up.

1:02:41And we're not. We're just adapting. We heard from several listeners who struggle to embrace the reality of their own lives. Listener Fernanda is from Brazil, and she works as a filmmaker and an actress. And her dream was to win an Academy Award. She put everything into achieving that dream. I put everything aside. My family, like my grandfather died, and I couldn't come to the funeral. Like my nephew grew up and is now 20 years old, and he barely knows me. And so I put aside my life for this one goal of winning this Oscar, right? One day. And that was the meaning of my life, right? And so when it all crumbled because my health gave out and I got into a deep depression and the industry is crumbling and so there's no work, nobody can do anything.

1:03:33I'm not the only one crumbling, but I feel like my fall was higher because I am 44 now and I have no family, no kids, nothing to show for really, like financially. And I come back to my hometown in Brazil with my tail between my legs. And I'm like, what the was all of that for? And this is very much in line with what this author was saying. And I loved the podcast and I want to live a radical acceptance life with this idea of designing a new life now where I'm in a different city, in a different country, different culture, and having to relearn how to live, really. I really feel for Fernanda, Dave.

1:04:22What do you hear in her story, and do you have any advice for her? I might have some suggestions. Advice, I'm very loath to give advice. But here are some thoughts. She knows what choice she made. She made a radical choice. She made an incredibly sacrificial commitment. So she knowingly took a massive risk. And then when it didn't work out, what was hard to assess is, boy, now looking back on the price I paid, I willingly paid, looks awfully tall. So she would feel better about that price if, in fact, she had an Academy Award sitting on her shelf. And so if I were talking with her, kind of say, it's time to think about your story.

1:05:04Life is indeed a story we tell ourselves. Pick your story carefully, including it might be time to edit that story. So her story was my life is worthwhile as soon as I get that award, because that award will validate that I've become a terrific actress. Well, that's a great validation form, but is it the exclusive definition of good acting? so it might be time to rewrite the question okay it worked i stayed in the business as long as i could i got as good as i possibly could i didn't fail trying my hardest it didn't generate that award but i became the actress i could be and now i get to decide life has invited me to go do something else and now it's time to say okay it's not picking up the pieces of my life it's just accepting the facts of my life.

1:05:58What relationship with my nephew could I start now? What other things could I do if I don't have the intimacy of a family? What are other forms of intimacy that I can start designing now? Chosen families, by the way, often become more intimate than given families. I've got both chosen and given family. And I have more refrigerator art on my refrigerator from my two chosen granddaughters than my nine other real grandkids combined. So she's got some choices in front of her, and acceptance is where it starts. Here's another story from a listener who's having trouble with acceptance. Nat is a trans man in his mid-40s and has had a good life for the most part.

1:06:38In a note, Nat says, I own my home, have a job I love. I have great friends and family and full acceptance from everyone in my life. An amazing dog. I'm currently single, but I've had loving relationships, and I'm currently working to improve my health and feel better than I have in a long time. Yet, I still have a hard time accepting the fact that I was not born male and that I'll always be kind of a man. I mourn not being able to experience life as a male in my youth. And even though I know I have a good life, I feel stuck accepting it and therefore can't fully enjoy life and feel truly happy.

1:07:14So Dave, I can feel Nat's pain. Without taking anything away from Nat's story and feelings of loss, can you talk about how feelings of regret and rumination can get in the way of accepting where we are? Well, I really appreciate Nat's situation. This is where the distinction between acceptance and endorsement is crucial. We're not saying that it was a good thing that you weren't born who you really are. We're saying it's true. and if I fully and radically accept it, because it's completely out of my control, then making the best, not of a bad situation, making the best of the situation is all that is available.

1:07:55So here's almost an interesting existential question. Nat, do you really want to decide that in order for you to be happy, to be fully happy, reality has to be false? That in fact, you were wrong from the start and the universe decided from the get-go that you can't be fully yourself. That's an important decision to make. So if I accept I was born one way and my identity was other and now my task is to bring those two as close to each other as I possibly can. He's doing a terrific job of being the gnat who is. One listener told us a story about a time when he confronted something of a meta challenge.

1:08:45He was feeling badly about where his life was at. And to make matters worse, he was feeling badly about feeling badly. Here is listener Jocko. I was really stuck and spinning my wheels in the summer of 1978, after my spouse left me for someone else. and I found myself driving across country to visit a friend. Long story short, I drove through the night one time and as the sun was rising in eastern Colorado and I was looking out over the fields, it was a beautiful setting. I was open and opened to an insight about struggle in general and how one need not fight the struggle. The struggle is enough without having to fight the struggle itself.

1:09:56a bit abstract perhaps, but it has helped me when I felt stuck to realize, okay, let's just be with the struggle and let the struggle exist. In reality, that's what it is. It's the struggle, but I needn't fight the fact that it's a struggle. So Dave, I have to say, I'm in love with the phrase, the struggle is enough without having to fight the struggle. What do you think of Jocko's insight? Well, he's exactly right. And that lesson, slightly differently phrased in my own experience, was probably the single biggest lesson coming out of my processing the grief of losing my wife. So I think Jocko has learned a profoundly important lesson.

1:10:41And what he noticed was, oh, she left me. And then there's, oh no, she left me. The struggle is enough. The primary pain is enough. The reaction against having the pain is elective. So our strong recommendation, this goes back to acceptance, is, look, just let the pain be the pain and then work that through. My own experience of that, by the way, is there's a very important line that occurred to us when my wife is going through cancer. She went in for a procedure, they're going to do this you know radio opaque imaging thing and the nurse says oh and you might feel a little warmth when we inject the dye and claudia was very tired of what she called medical euphemism at that point she goes oh a little warmth like where you take a can of kerosene pour it down my throat and light it on fire is that what you mean and the nurse goes oh you've had the procedure before she yes i have and i'm i'm tired of these euphemisms um so the nurse goes all hard ass on her.

1:11:44And she goes, oh, okay. So you get it. Here's the deal. It's just pain. Okay. Let it rinse through you and it's over. Or you can resist it and it hurts worse and it lasts longer. It's up to you. I get paid the same other way. Whoa. Talk about harsh. Turns out it was one of the most life-giving things we ever heard. So that line, it's just pain, let it rinse through you became a mantra in my life. That's exactly what Jocko was saying. Oh, it's really painful to be left by somebody you're in love with. Let it rinse through you. That you, that the sunrise reminded you is not gone, is still here. And after that pain rinses through you, you're still here.

1:12:29And now let's go on with life. So I found when I just let the pain be the pain and I didn't get into reacting against it, I received it, it would go through me quicker. It would leave me cleaner. And on the rare occasion there was a lesson, I could actually learn it rather than be upset. So Jocko is doing a great job of a heart thing.

1:12:57When we come back, should you accept being single when you badly want to be in a relationship? You're listening to Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam.

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1:14:57This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedanta. Hoping to make a big life change? First ask yourself, have I fully accepted where I am right now? At Stanford University, Dave Evans argues that seeing reality clearly is a crucial first step to making change. But seeing reality for what it is, radical acceptance, is very difficult. Dave, it's one thing to say that we want to plan a better life for ourselves, but we're engaging every day with the world around us, and we have relationships with other people to consider. Listener Katie shared a comment that gets at this reality. She enjoys a successful career.

1:15:38She has three wonderful children, but something still feels like it's missing. I have been divorced close to 10 years, and I did not think I would still be single now, but I am. And it's really hard to accept that. And I think the word that you all didn't use, but I'm going to try to use is embrace. And instead of being so negative and saying, I'll never find someone, I'll never meet someone, I will be single forever. With a negative tone, I need to embrace the reality and accept it that I'm single right now. I've had relationships, none of them were the right one. and I just need to really work on radical acceptance of this part of my life.

1:16:35It may or may not change. I don't know. And I want to embrace it better and keep living with my work as my mission and my family as my joy and my dog and my friends in all the things I have going on in my life. So Dave, romantic relationships are one domain where it seems radical acceptance can be both very important and also very difficult. Our wants and preferences are not the only things that determine whether we're in a relationship or how that relationship goes. What do you think of Katie's story? Well, I hear it often, and I'm kind of living close into it because truth be told, as we are recording this, I am nine weeks from getting married for the third time.

1:17:25And the person I'm about to marry, by the way, hasn't been married in over 30 years, hasn't been in a relationship in over 20. So she and many women and many men I know have gone through what Katie's going through. So what do I think about Katie's situation? I think it's extremely difficult. It's incredibly painful. And a lot of people are there. And what do I think about how she's doing it, I think she's doing it brilliantly. If you just listen to her on the verge of tears, because she really longs to be with somebody. And I get that. When I was going through being widowed, you know, the term widower didn't make any sense to me.

1:18:06That's not who I am. Who am I? Oh, I'm an amputated husband. I've been a we all my life. So my identity is entirely entirely rooted in a relationship. And so I'm just a broken half of a pair. I don't even feel like an individual person. I just feel like a broken half of a pair, like one bicycle wheel. So I get what she's talking about. Now, in terms of what she's doing, embrace reality is a lovely idea. At least allow reality. When I go from acceptance, it's not like, okay, the reason we talk about radical acceptance is like fully lean into, okay, not merely accepting it, but being available. So acceptance plus availability is, and what does reality have for me here?

1:18:55If I lean forward, looking at what is true, what is available, what is possible, and ask what might be a life-giving in that which is there, it's an entirely different experience than leaning into that which is missing. She's spending all her energy looking at the empty chair of the partner who's not here is entirely different than looking at the people that she's with. So we discussed this when we had our initial conversations, Dave, but there is a potentially thin line between radical acceptance and being passive. So let's say you feel like something's wrong with your life, or let's say you think something's wrong with the world.

1:19:33What's the difference between radical acceptance and just simply saying, okay, it's the way it is. Nothing can be done. I don't have to do anything. What's the difference between radical acceptance and being passive? And how can we tell the difference and act on the difference so that we retain our sense of agency? Ah, okay. So that last, you know, that's the way things are. There's nothing can be done. I don't need to do anything. Those are three very different sentences, and they don't go together. That's the way things are. Okay, now that that's the way things are, what can be done? Going from that's the way things are to nothing can be done is a huge decision and I think a mistake.

1:20:19The mistake is we go from that's the way things are to nothing can be done because we haven't changed our mind about what we want. if nothing can be done to force somebody to show up in katie's life and become her partner then nothing can be done about my relational longing so it doesn't look like long-term relationships are happening anytime soon here that's what's true oh now what can be done how can i live more fully into my platonic friendships uh do i want to be a casual dater is that worth my time or not It invites me through acceptance to not become passive. Passivity as the outcome of acceptance means you've not changed your mind about anything.

1:21:10What acceptance is supposed to do is to free you to change your mind about what can be, not get stuck on what can't be, and then move into that. The reason acceptance helps is you're no longer wasting your time on something that needn't require your attention. So you can do that which deserves your attention. So some listeners pointed out, Dave, that our friends and family can help us to accept where we're at. Listener Elise had a story to share on that front. I was an entrepreneur building a company and became a workaholic. and it took an intervention with two of my top people at my firm along with my husband to get me to change and it was a rather poignant moment when my husband sat me down at the kitchen table one evening and said we don't know who you are anymore but something's got to change and I remember looking at him and saying well I know I need to change but I don't know how And that began a journey, literally.

1:22:19I learned to ride a motorcycle. And I tell everybody that learning to ride a motorcycle helped me rediscover the joy in the journey of life. And only after I became a whole person again, by no longer living just for work, but learning to enjoy the ride, everything seemed to change for the better. My marriage, my family, my home life, my friends, and my work. Which, surprisingly, the firm after that grew and grew to an exponential level. And I ended up selling the company to an international holding company. So it all turned out really well, but I don't think it ever would have changed if I had never gotten unstuck by those who really, really loved me.

1:23:06What do you think, Dave? Can the people who are closest to us help us accept reality and help us change? Oh, yes, and it happens all the time. And Elise is blessed to have family and even colleagues, it sounds like, who are willing to tell her the hard truth in a loving way. I have been involved in both receiving and executing interventions of this nature. I've had them done to me and I've done them to others. And anytime you go through that, by the way, those giving the intervention, in this case, her husband and her colleagues, you never know what you're going to get. There's no guarantee that the intervention will, quote, work, meaning you're going to get their attention strongly enough to cause a change to occur.

1:23:49In Elisa's case, fortunately, she was wise enough to actually hear the message and do something. She admitted, I have no idea how to fix this. Because, of course, the reason you become a workaholic is you're doing one thing all the time and it completely occupies all your attention. So you don't have another idea. Can loved ones be the author of critically valuable inflection points? Absolutely. Happens all the time. So if you love somebody who needs an inflection point, you might want to think about having the courage to do it. Doing it well matters. By the way, it's really easy to blow one of these.

1:24:21But done well, they can be life-giving. No guarantee, but it's worth it. So there's a subtext to this conversation that I want to flag, which is being able to take a pause and figure out where you're headed in life is an opportunity, but it's also an opportunity that not everyone can afford to take. Is designing your life or thinking about design thinking when it comes to your life, is that a privilege that is reserved for the well-off and the wealthy, Dave? Well, no and yes. Let me be honest. First of all, look, the well-resourced person who's healthy, who has good housing, who has a decent job, who has a couple of ego-contributing successes under their belt, who has some healthy relationships and enough money in the bank to buy them a little time to think about something, that person is more easily situated to apply these tools than somebody who is working four jobs as a single mom, whose landlord is a monster.

1:25:18and has a restraining order against a violent ex-husband. Those people are not in the same situation. But it's not that design thinking is only for the well-resourced. So the more constrained you are, the more important it is to have some powerfully creative tools to start making things be a little bit different. So an example. I was befriending one of the workers in the food service at Stanford. There's a woman who worked in the food court who I got to know. So, you know, and she's a woman of color and she's a single mom and she's a laborer. And of course, in order to own a home, she bought a house two and a half hours drive away from Stanford.

1:25:58And her nearly 80 year old mother would stay home and, you know, receive the high school kids back from, you know, and it was a really tough life. I said, well, what are you going to do about that? She said, well, next year, my youngest is going to be in high school. And at high school, I think the kids can take care of themselves. And I really want to spend time with my mom. So what I did was I got my mom a job at Stanford, a really crummy job, a very clerical job. But now she arrives with me from home in Merced all the way to Palo Alto in California. And so I get to spend four hours a day with my mother in these latter years of her life, telling stories and being in love with her.

1:26:36And that's really working for me. So here was this incredibly constrained life. And she said, what can I do within this thing? and she found a life-giving thing to do. As part of daily life, Dave, many of us have to interact with large institutions, whether that's a government bureaucracy or a religious group or a company. And navigating these can be frustrating because they can make us feel really powerless. Listener Emily called in with a story about how she worked at several tech companies and she hoped to change them for the better, but she found she never could. And so for 13 years, I Goldilocks my way through publicly traded companies and startups, slaloming through confusion and toxicity, and eventually trying to leapfrog to yet another gig.

1:27:25Until the day I realized that I was stuck. I was stuck in a loop that would never yield a different outcome because it would never produce a different story. The companies that I looked to for truth and fulfillment, they weren't going to change. They were all consistent. They weren't the problem. My belief in them was. The problem wasn't something that I was finding. It was something that I was creating by believing that things were different than they were. I finally recognized that in order to get unstuck, I had to accept things outside of my control as they are. I wasn't going to change the culture of the tech industry or even the culture of a single company.

1:28:06But what I could change was how I lived by my own values. And so I did. I started my own company. And the responsibility that I have to how I serve my clients is my own. So Dave, I'm amazed at Emily's story. She realized she couldn't change the people around her or the big institutions that she was part of. So for her, getting unstuck meant creating her own company where she could create the reality that she wanted. What Emily figured out was that she wanted to make the kind of impact in her workplace that required her to have a level of authority where she could direct the culture. And the way she accomplished that was by being the founder, being the person in charge, having the most authority in the room.

1:28:49Now, she was willing to take on the ton of work that involves the huge risk of failure, asking, you know, it's called, you know, OPM, other people's money. You get investors to come in and now they want something from you. I mean, so she is willing to pay a very high price for something that she valued, which is I want to author through authority the culture of the workplace to create the kind of thing that matters to me. So what you got to do is get honest about what do I want and how much power and authority would it take for me to accomplish that? And am I willing to do what's necessary to get it?

1:29:25So you do what you can.

1:29:30When we come back, more listener stories of radical acceptance. You're listening to Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam.

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1:30:55This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. Dave Evans is a behavioral scientist at Stanford University. With Bill Burnett, he's the author of How to Live a Meaningful Life, Using Design Thinking to Unlock Purpose, Joy, and Flow Every Day. So Dave, before the break, we heard from listener Emily, who accepted she wasn't going to change the companies where she worked. Part of her skill was realizing what was within her control and what was outside of it. A listener named Morgan came to a similar realization. In 1990, Morgan was working for a startup and was putting in 100-hour work weeks. And we quickly realized we had to focus on things we could fix and things we could not.

1:31:38And that was pointed out to us by the founder, Jim Flug, who said the world is divided into two things. Problems that you can solve and problems you cannot solve. Don't focus on the problems you can't solve because there's nothing you can do about it. Only focus on the problems that you can solve. Once you achieve that understanding, life gets a lot simpler. And it's ruled my life since then. So Dave, this motto strikes me as something that the ancient Stoic philosophers would approve of, to what extent does design thinking overlap with Stoic ideas, such as focusing on what you can control? Oh, we're totally in agreement with it.

1:32:23There's a section in our first book that specifically talks about exactly what Morgan described. We call it gravity problems. When you've got a, you don't seem to understand, Dave, you know, I can't make any money as a poet. How do I solve that problem? You can't solve that problem. That's a mark of reality. 0.00001 % of the professional poets in the world are making a living at it. There's nothing I can do about that. You can't suddenly make everybody in the world value poetry in a way that they didn't before. So that is not a solvable problem. And the way we describe it is, as designers, we're all about doable actions.

1:33:00We want to give you tools to frame reality as generatively as possible and then live into it through incremental prototyping and experimentation to act doably and make forward progress, to design your way forward, to build your way forward. So when you run into something that you can't do anything about, we say that is not a problem. For us, a problem is an actionable thing. If it's not actionable, it's not a problem. It's a circumstance. And when I reframe that as a circumstance like gravity, like gravity is not a problem, it's just real, then all I can do is accept it. And that acceptance now frees me to say, and what can I do on the other side of, that's not a problem I can solve.

1:33:49Listener, Anna had an interesting story, Dave, that shows how the path to acceptance can sometimes be circuitous. When Anna was 28, she was working as a self-described ski bum. One day she walked into a gas station and she had an epiphany. And I realized I could control my judgmental thoughts of other people, those quick snap judgments that are not necessarily unkind, but they're not really kind either. And I think that was a profound step in accepting myself for who I was eventually. Now, a few years went by, and I used that as a regular practice. I would catch my thoughts, and I would redirect them away from judgment or criticism.

1:34:42And I started to recognize when I was feeling more critical, there was something going on for me that I wasn't addressing. And about three years later, I finally accepted that I was gay. and took small steps toward myself, secretly looking at dating profiles, glancing at people a little longer instead of shirking away. What I'd done was habitually deny my own reality, but by really witnessing my thoughts, I could no longer do that. So Anna didn't intend to set out on a journey of radical acceptance, Dave, but acceptance seemed to find her after she spent more time observing her own thoughts. What do you make of Anna's story?

1:35:32Well, it's a lovely example of what is involved in becoming a person. We have known for a very, very long time, though culturally we haven't pivoted toward it yet, that you don't get a neocortex fully formed in the brain until 27 or 28, a little later in men. The neocortex part of your brain is the executive function and is actually the part of your brain that enables you to perform real empathy. And by empathy, I don't mean feeling deeply. I mean actually having sort of the technical objective capacity to look at something, attempting to see it through someone else's eyes. And so Anna's story of standing in the gas station and suddenly recognizing her own thoughts is exactly that mature adult capacity to see things from the point of view of what does it look like to them.

1:36:27And the first person she was empathetic to was Anna. Oh, I notice what Anna is actually doing is being judgmental. So I look at it from the observer's point of view. If I see the way the thing is actually going on in that context, then I have some freedom in it. So good job, Anna. We've talked on a number of Hidden Rain episodes about the stories we tell about our lives. We received this message from a listener named Annie. I'm 50 years old, and I'm on what I would call career number four, or maybe five, depending on how you count. I've been a literary agent assistant, an executive assistant, an HR director, a nonprofit program manager, a garden teacher, and now I'm training to become an elementary school teacher.

1:37:15On paper, it looks like I couldn't stick with anything. That's the story my inner critic loves to tell, that I've wasted time, that if I had just picked up something earlier, I could be really good at it by now. But there's another truth running alongside that one. I've always worked. I supported myself from the time I was 18. Neither of my parents went to college. Every pivot I made, I made while figuring out how to stay afloat. And the common thread across all those jobs is that I was trying to be useful to people, to communities, something bigger than myself. What's confusing is that from the outside, people see courage.

1:37:53They tell me that they admire my willingness to start over, to learn something new. But from the inside, it doesn't feel like courage. It feels like, why haven't I figured this out yet? And now I'm stepping into teaching, which feels right in a way I just can't fully explain. It feels creative, impactful, grounded in purpose. Maybe what I'm trying to learn is how to see my life not as a series of false starts, but as a collection of experiences that are actually building towards something. I'm not sure I'm there yet, but maybe I'm closer than I used to be. So Annie is realizing that all these various paths are interconnected, and they all lead to a life of service to others.

1:38:37And this relates to a principle that you've identified as key, Dave, coherence? Absolutely. Bill and I describe coherency as when, who I am, what I'm doing, and what I believe in are in alignment. And it turns out, if you want to live the meaningful life, living coherently, where those three things are in alignment or to the degree they're at some struggle, it's a compromise that I've chosen and accept and compromise is almost always required at some level. And if in fact, I'm living not that way and what I'm doing has nothing to do with who I am, and it certainly isn't what I believe in, then that incoherent life is almost impossible to bring about the experience of meaning making.

1:39:20So Annie's doing a really good job. And interestingly, she ends her story with, I'm not quite yet there, of explaining why this isn't a series of false starts, but it really is building toward something. But I haven't figured out what it is I'm building toward. Now, once again, what we have here is that there's an embedded rule in that little narrative, which is there's supposed to be one consistent narrative outcome that justifies the whole story. I think what she sounded like, if I could just say I'm building toward the big golden city on the hill where the green castle is, you know, that I knew what that end point was, and that I can tell you why each one of the challenges along the way, called my five careers en route to finally getting to the castle, makes sense.

1:40:15they're a logical sequence, then I make sense. And so what I would encourage Annie, if we were having office hours, is like, well, what if there is no castle on the hill? What if it actually isn't that the elements all make sense because the last chapter of the book wraps it all up? But what it is, is this is simply the journey of becoming Annie. And oh, actually, Annie, what you are is you're a deeply creative person who's also a deeply flexible person and can adapt to delivering her usefulness in a variety of creative forms, in a variety of contexts, you know, from executive assistant to a school room.

1:40:59And so what you really are is an incredibly adaptable person having a portfolio of expressions of what it looks like when Annie's being helpful to the world. It's not about just everything lands on the final square on the game board and makes sense. So let's stop thinking linearly and start thinking a little more organically. She's a garden. She's not just a result.

1:41:28Dave Evans is a behavioral scientist at Stanford University. With Bill Burnett, he's the author of how to live a meaningful life, using design thinking to unlock purpose, joy, and flow every day. Dave, thank you so much for joining me today on Hidden Brain. Well, Shankar, thank you for having me. And thank you to all your listeners who wrote in and who recorded in those incredibly sincere and heartfelt stories. I'm very grateful to them and my wishes for them and for everyone who's hearing this to simply become more alive.

1:42:05Hidden Brain is produced by Hidden Brain Media. Our audio production team includes Annie Murphy-Paul, Kristen Wong, Laura Querell, Ryan Katz, Autumn Barnes, Andrew Chadwick, and Nick Woodbury. Tara Boyle is our executive producer. I'm Hidden Brain's executive editor.

1:42:27If you enjoy listening to Hidden Brain, you can now watch it as well. Check out our new YouTube channel. we're at youtube.com slash at hidden brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. See you soon.

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