Battlefield Earth w/ Rob Huebel (HDTGM Matinee)

19:33Jason Mantzoukas:And these are cavemen who only a day before were literally grunting. They are wearing pelts for clothes. And then learn to expertly fly F-18s. And then wage war. Exactly. They are a precision machine. Absolutely. It is flawless. It is, without a doubt, one of the most insane sequences I've ever seen. Barry Pepper is told after he tries his fight machine once, you make another mistake again and I'll smash your puny skull. And he's like, okay. Then the next time he flew it, flawless. Like, oh, that was all it takes of some good threatening? Someone just yelling at you. June, let me ask you this because you're the only woman in the room.

20:14So far as you know. Were there any man animals that you were attracted to? Oh, that's a good question.

20:23Like, do you ever think what it would be like to be in a slave situation like that where you're with a bunch of man animals. Well, I do think that... I was curious as to why they did all look like cavemen because this is not cave time. But they didn't. They were clean-shaven. They were well-kept. It's just kind of long hair and sort of pelts. But also, if these are modern men and women, I mean, they're way more modern than any of us. They're living in 3 ,000. Why did all of the women in the movie, like when Kelly Preston... Kelly Preston was so excited to have a house. Yes. And then when the other cave girl...

20:57Jason Mantzoukas:Well, Kelly Press is not a cave person. No, I know. She's a psycho. But when the other cave girl found her cave boy and he said, you know, we're going to have children or something like that, her face lit up. It's like their motivations are so old timing. So crazy. Do you guys realize that there are two movies that we've done in which a person is carrying around a rough drawing of the person they love? Yes! This is not a picture because there are no pictures. Exactly. But like when the cave woman is captured, she has a rough drawing of Barry Pepper. And that's how they identify that she must know him.

21:36Just like in stupid fucking Season of the Witch, right? And then also Season of the Witch, inexplicably, Ron Perlman and one of the guys in this one both say, let's get the hell out of here. As if like people in like cave men. People are cheering. Those are timeless phrases. They are not timeless phrases. This movie is bullshit. Do you think Barry Pepper will ever do a movie where he runs around more? I mean, you could not have more scenes where the... I'm sure the director was like, okay, Barry, so I think you got the gist of it. You're going to go out there. You're going to run the fuck down the block and then take a left.

22:12We're going to really slow it down. Yeah, and then run down that block and then run around that street and then run back this way. We're going to blast debris at you at any corner. He's always getting debris blasted. I love, though, when he was ready for the final battle, that hair went back in a ponytail. I was like, I gotta really, I gotta focus up here. Did anybody else notice that for about 10 minutes in the movie, while he becomes the revolutionary leader, he has bangs? Yes, I did! Yes, he just, for some reason, has bangs. Different haircut. He was doing another movie. He was definitely off shooting, like, you know.

22:44That baseball movie. I also love during that final attack that in the middle of it, John Travolta says, someone calls in and says they're under attack by all these guys, and he says, you're gonna have to deal with them. I'm too busy for these kind of tea towels.

22:57Jason Mantzoukas:John Travolta is like, in this movie, John Travolta's character is like Darth Vader if Darth Vader was like a personal trainer. Like there is no, like he's like, God, I can't deal with you, rat brain. Always drinking. They're always drinking, too. Always drinking glow-in-the-dark beverages. They love glow-in-the-dark beverages. And his signature move is only throat grab. All he could do is grab somebody around the throat and lift them off the ground. Also, this is just a small thing, but very bad laser bullets that shoot. Terrible. You know, like when people shoot each other with guns, like the laser beams.

23:27Like fucking. They might as well be making pew, pew sounds with their minds.

23:31Jason Mantzoukas:Yeah, they really should. When Forrest Whitaker got his hand cut off, he just shot his hand. His hand disappeared, and Forrest Whitaker just looks at it for a long time. And at the end of the movie when Travolta's arm gets blown up. Oh, yeah. I was like, do these people not have nerve endings in their outer limbs? Yeah, they have no. They literally just looked at it like, huh. That's weird. My arm just got blown up by a bomb. Leverage, Jason. Leverage. Leverage. Let me ask the group this. I don't know if you guys normally talk about this on the podcast, but how difficult was it for you guys to masturbate to this?

24:00So easy. Very easy. This is easy. This is easy. So difficult.

24:04Jason Mantzoukas:I like green things, and I like - Yeah, Paul had no trouble at all. You like long dreadlocks. I love long dreadlocks. I love Rasta aliens, so this is easy. This is actually a home run for me in many ways. Rasta aliens. We've talked about a lot of great moments, but we're going to cut down to our biggest what the fuck moment. What the fuck? This is our moment that I feel like we need to discuss. Every one of us, we may have a moment that really calls out to us as being just a moment that is crazy. For me, it was the fact that this entire race of cave people did not move more than a mile outside of their cave dwelling because there was a miniature golf course there.

24:43Jason Mantzoukas:They were frightened by the dinosaur in the miniature golf course. That was it. That was the only thing keeping there. It was a dinosaur also covered in moss. It was not intimidating at all. Not scary. That was the block. Just a giant golf ball and a small dinosaur. And that kept all of humanity back at a base. Well, I don't know if we've talked about the Breathe Right strips. that those guys wore. Definitely the influence for that product came from this movie. Why were they wearing them? Because they couldn't breathe. They couldn't breathe. Who fucking knows? Okay, all right. Honestly, who fucking knows?

25:23Jason, all right. This made me so angry. There's a line in the movie where somebody arrives on the planet and goes, I hate these puny undersized planets. The gravity is so different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's a perfect line. It makes no sense. And then all the cyclos are supposed to be these big, giant, 12-foot-tall creatures. And they're just wearing stilts and giant boots. And all of the special effects, both digital and practical, are fucking garbage. Terrible. Like Cirque du Soleil looks more real when they do shit than this does, you know?

26:03Jason Mantzoukas:I also love the misrepresentation of what the history of the world was. where the Cyclops are like, oh, dogs were the leaders of this planet, and they were much more amenable than these stupid man animals. But they weren't good at manual labor. That was it. Yeah, the dogs could do manual labor. And then for some reason. How many dogs live in the nuclear holocaust, by the way? That's the other thing. Then at a certain point, Travolta's like, bonks his head in his office, and is like, get a team in here. I want this ceiling different. And then, of course, the team that gets brought in is the exact people we've been following the whole time.

26:38So now Barry Pepper, downloaded with the knowledge machine, can hang out in the office of Travolta, unsupervised. And take all of his information to blackmail Forrest Whitaker.

26:48Jason Mantzoukas:Why? Why would any of that happen? Because any plan needs a patsy, as Travolta explains to Forrest Whitaker in like a 10 minute scene. Oh God. He records him with that fucking camera. By the way, isn't that Scientology? Recording you with a camera so you can have leverage over somebody? Leverage. Isn't that like the knocking? I want you guys to think about coming on board. I don't know what your aversion to this is. I also wanted to say one of my favorite scenes was when all the slaves were in prison and they have those hoses that shoot the slop into the trough. Oh, yeah. And then they all got into the fight because that one guy that was in prison was like, you know, no one eats until I eat.

27:28And then they said, no, that's bullshit. We're not doing it. And so then Barry Pepper got in a fight and smashed his head into the slop trough. And then it was like, from now on, we all eat together. And then this little slave girl comes up and takes a little handful of slop and eats the slop.

27:43Jason Mantzoukas:And the slop is coming out of this giant hose. It looks like when you're emptying out a port-a-john, just shit. I want to talk about this one thing I found out. Apparently there was a toy of Turl that was released, 11-inch toy of Turl. And these are the lines that he would say. That's the perfect size to go in your butt. These are the lines that when you press to his chest, you go, exterminate all man animals at will. You wouldn't last one day at the academy. Man is an endangered species and rat bastard. That's not a toy that you would want to give a child. Do they ever show the, because I may have gotten drunk in the middle of this and blacked out, but do they ever show this academy that they keep referencing?

28:27No, never. There's one, there is a shot where, on the planet Cyclo, which just exists to show that the leader has teleported back there.

28:38Jason Mantzoukas:Yes, yes. Wait, there was no reason for that. It was useless. They show, like, I was like, oh yeah, I thought there was something that was cut out. Basically, they show this whole teleportation scene. Their leader comes down. They have an overly wrought scene. And then he goes back, and that was it. He doesn't even say anything, right, when he goes back to the planet. Yeah. It's just like, oh, I guess they got home safe. Yeah, that was... That's literally, I felt like, why it was done. It was like, oh, he's there now. And they blew up planet Cyclos at the end? It seemed to be that there was a genocide at the end.

29:07Jason Mantzoukas:Okay, because that was a crazy thing. How did they get to planet Cyclos? They keep talking like, you know what we're going to do? We're going to go back and blow up their planet. How? What? Come on now, man. That's not a plan. They had to teleport to get there. It makes no sense. You guys, they've gone through flight simulators. They know how to do that. And Barry Pepper knows how to dismantle a nuclear bomb. Yeah. Does a knowledge machine teach him that? Well, first of all, it was a language machine. So technically, by all intents and purposes, it only gave him the language, not the knowledge.

29:38No, it was knowledge because it taught him math and all that other stuff. Oh, you're right. That's what I think we're meant to believe.

29:44Jason Mantzoukas:But yet they called it language machine. Yes, yes. So even though it taught him knowledge, it was called language machine. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Have you ever avoided a difficult conversation, minimized how you felt or waited until things felt really heavy before reaching out to a friend, family member, or significant other? You know, even in 2026, stigma can get in the way of a lot of things, like getting support for your mental health. I mean, maybe you've encouraged your friends to consider therapy while avoiding taking the first step yourself because you're busy. You know, you're worried what others will think, or you're just telling yourself that you should handle it alone.

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31:34Jason Mantzoukas:You're miles away. In one second, everything can change. That's why ADT's professionally installed security systems monitor your home 24-7. They're backed by the most company-operated monitoring centers in the industry. so you're always supported during an emergency. When every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com to learn more. I don't know how long this movie took to actually make. I'm imagining it probably took a... Five minutes. But I mean, you know, it would take months. It takes months to make a movie. And so can you imagine fucking waking up, because you'd have to go there and get there so early to put on this makeup, put in those contact lenses that they're all wearing, get your fake teeth in you're standing on stilts every day Forrest Whitaker for four months for five months whatever it was they must be they must fucking hate each other oh my god he must have blown a real head gasket you're fired I also think when you see movies like this like we all know this was Travolta's pet project and like you know he wasn't getting any direction at all like he was just unleashed on the set like do whatever you wanted to I heard that the food the craft service on it was so bad that Travolta flew and his own chef and only served the actors from his own, yeah, his own product.

32:51There is a, not to endorse another podcast, but there is an episode of the NPR show, or the public radio show, The Business, in which she just interviews the guy that wrote this movie. Oh,

33:01Jason Mantzoukas:who sent out an apology this year when the Razzies nominated him for being, for the worst screenplay of the decade. This is Battlefield Earth. Worst screenplay of the decade. And this guy came out and said like, I'm sorry, I apologize. He couldn't write scripts anymore. He had to change his name on scripts to get them sold after this movie because he was just done in Hollywood. Unfortunately, he changed his name to Terrell whatever, whatever. Terrell. Terrell. Oh, man. It is. There are so many. It's also one of those movies that spend a lot of time talking about business and politics. Like every like those boring scenes and like all the Star Wars where it's like, oh, well, the trade federation must be very upset about the way.

33:42The home office won't be pleased. Oh, that's another thing. Everything, that's what they came up with for the term is the home office. That's got to be in the L. Ron Hubbard stuff, I assume. I've never read any of his books. Apparently, this is the first one, right? It's supposed to be made into two.

33:57Jason Mantzoukas:This is the whole thing. This movie is based only on 436 pages of a 1 ,000-page book, and this is supposed to be the first of a trilogy. Fingers crossed. You know what? John Travolta recently said that the second one is being worked out. We can only hope that M. Night Shyamalan directs the rest of the trilogy. Oh, my God. That would be the best. I could masturbate. I would come and kill myself instantly. What was the? Oh, I love the other term I liked, too. It was last airbender, not season of the witch, I just remembered, in which the person had the drawing of their family. But it could have worked in season of the witch.

34:36Yeah, it could have.

34:37Jason Mantzoukas:We don't want to be a bunch of arrogant greeners here. Right, guys? What was that? The grass is always greener. That was their... Piece of cake. The cavemen refer to each other as Eric and Greenham. Why do they keep saying piece of cake? I miss that. And then I was like, why do they keep saying piece of cake? They're not eating cake. No one's eating cake then. What is cake? They don't have a concept of cake. It is the year 3000. But yet I guess those jets are all gassed up. And they're eating crap. Ready to fly. Jets are gassed up. Fort Knox is ready to go. White House burnt out and golf course is kind of destroyed.

35:09But all the books are cool to read. Books are pretty great. Books are pretty good. Books did not burn.

35:13Jason Mantzoukas:Even though they're made out of paper, books did not burn. The gums still work? The fuck? It's 3 ,000. I had no idea that it was the year 3 ,000. So what did you think it was? You thought we were. I just thought it was indeterminate, near catastrophic future. Isn't the full title Battlefield Earth? Yeah. Saga of the year 3 ,000. When you click on it on Netflix, it says Battlefield Earth. I can't read. I do want to. You guys, I'll play the clip of Travolta saying something in his language, which is English, and then making a Barry Pepper translated. Here we go. You will soon be relocated to a new mining site.

35:45And if any of you get any bright ideas about escaping, just keep in mind that although you know nothing about firearms, I certainly do. I graduated top marksman in my class, and I can kill any one of you at over a thousand paces. Tell them what I've said. If you try to run, you'll kill us.

36:02Jason Mantzoukas:And then Travolta goes, that's it? And then Travolta, to prove his point, shoots a cow's leg off. Yep. Just a cow in the field. Also, why are there cows? Wasn't there a nuclear holocaust? There are cows just roaming around? Yeah. Oh, my God. This movie is infuriating. I half believe they were like, well, this is where we're going to shoot. Well, there are those cows over there. Let's shoot them. Well, let's keep them in here, and maybe we'll see how the leg's getting shot off. I wonder where this was filmed. It was shot in Canada, the most expensive production ever in Canada at that time. Really?

36:34Jason Mantzoukas:Yes. Now, we always go to the audience to get a little bit of viewer mail. You've got mail. Hold on. Is that your song? That's your theme song. For You've Got Mail. For the mail segment. Want to hear it again? I'll do it again. You've got mail. There it is. Pretty good, right? Who wrote that and composed that? We created that. We created that. That was 15th. Sounds very familiar. It's catching on. The director of Battlefield Earth actually created that. He created that. Basically, this movie got the most Razzie nominations of all time. And so I said to you guys, come up with another category that this can win in.

37:07Jason Mantzoukas:And obviously this won Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay, Worst Director. Didn't win Worst Supporting Actor. Forrest Whitaker escaped that one. But so I asked you guys to come up with your own Worst of categories. And let's see. I'll give you an example here. Some of these are best of also. Yeah, they can be best of, I guess. They can be best of. Here we go. Norman writes, Worst eyes in any film, Forrest Whitaker. Worst eyes. He had these ugly yellow eyes. Marshall makes a good point. Best clean-shaven caveman. I see I said that, yeah. Barry Pepper. He also had least explained use of gold as a plot device.

37:47Marshall also had most inebriated cinematographer. That's right. All the shots were on these weird. It's always tilted. It's always like that Dutch angle, which is just like the very first thing you would ever think to do with a camera. Like, oh, let's just turn it a little bit. I like this dude, Mike Morrison, writes best use of the noun leverage. and then he's counted how many times people say it in the movie. Travolta eight times. Barry Pepper three times. Forrest Whitaker two times. And there's got to be more, right?

38:15Jason Mantzoukas:I mean, even that, that's high. Looks like somebody found some leverage. I've taught you well. Bob Waters said that this is the worst choice of video editing software because it was done on Microsoft PowerPoint. It really is. It's just like the fucking dumbest edits. Dumbest of all time. this one was this one I think was again written by Norman this is most informative public library goes to the Denver Public Library they have the nuclear they have information where the nuclear stockpile is and how to break into Fort Knox Robin has best performance by Nostrils Barry Pepper's Nostrils Battlefield Earth Battlefield Earth man oh man this was this was as bad as I heard it was I saw it in the theater and I had forgotten and how bad.

39:05Jason Mantzoukas:You did? You saw this in the theater? What are you talking about? I was invited to a premiere of it in New York City, and I saw it in the theater. And I remember going like, oh, this is - Was that an event? Was that a Scientology event? Robert, we just had a bunch of great people got together, and we just saw a movie. But I mean, were they, I'm asking you, were they all Scientologists? I don't know. Hey, look, I don't know who they are. We just have a great time, and we took some stress tests afterwards. Sounds like you're covering up for the fact that they were all scientists. You mentioned stress tests.

39:31Jason Mantzoukas:We took a stress test. I was really stressed out. And I went in there not liking the movie. And then after I left, I loved it. I thought it was great. So you saw this in the theater with a crowded room full of people? Yes. How was it received? Poorly. Yeah. Yeah, like very poorly. I would hope so. I don't fall asleep in movies. And I do remember falling asleep in the 25-minute long ending scene, which is like a bad version of the Star Wars trench fight scene. Terrible. Really, really terrible. Well, go watch this on Netflix Instant. It's two hours of your life that you'll never get back. But it's worth it for watching the curtain reveals, which is also, do we talk about the curtains?

40:09Jason Mantzoukas:The curtains actually come in at the end of the movie. Curtains close. And then credits go on. I didn't get that far. Curtains close. Like, oh, you're done watching this stage play. Good night, little ones. This small little stage play. Roll credits. Oh, man. Well, that has been How Did This Get Made? Battlefield Earth. Thank you so much for listening. Big thanks to our engineer, Doug. You can follow the majority of us on Twitter. I'm at Paul Scheer, at Rob Hubel, at Miss June Diane. Jason is not on Twitter. Don't do it. I don't do it. Do you want to plug anything? Not really. Okay, great. Check us next Monday for the next mini episode.

40:49Jason Mantzoukas:Thanks so much. Bye-bye. Most ice cream is good, but not Jenny's. Jenny's ice cream is more like an obsession. What you get from over two decades of tasting and tweaking and throwing it out and starting over, chasing flavors until they feel alive. That might sound crazy, and that's because it is. Jenny's. Often imitated, never duplicated, always splendid. Hey, Chicagoland. Wayfair's Black Friday in July sale is coming to the Wayfair store. From July 23rd through 27th, you can score up to 80 % off everything home in person. like up to 80 % off area rugs, up to 60 % off outdoor furniture, and up to 60 % off mattresses.

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