Hudson Hawk w/ Emily Gordon (HDTGM Matinee)

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21:46Jason Mantzoukas:It's all in one place with Squarespace, right? You can even do scheduling invoices and they have email tools built in people. It's great. I love Squarespace. Go to squarespace.com slash bonkers for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code bonkers to save 10 % off your first purchase of a website or domain. You've all heard the usual travel advice, right? Pack light, bring a neck pillow, keep a portable charger handy. Yeah, yeah, those are all good. But the real travel hack, don't wait until you land to start learning the language. Instead, try Babbel, right? For just 10 minutes a day.

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23:31Yeah, yeah. I was like, I can't wait for this to come. And when he spots it, I was like, oh, money shot. This is going to be it. I saw this movie on a date in high school. Wow. Oh, wow. And that was the only part of the movie I remembered. Was them flying out of the exploding building. That is amazing. And I remembered hating it. How did that date go? Was the date good? Not very well. No, no, actually the date went totally fine. The date went fine. But it was like we both were like, fuck this movie. This is one of my mom's favorite movies. Yeah, you were saying that. No. My mom has great taste in movies and also very bad taste.

24:04So she'll watch a lot of really interesting indie movies. Like, have you seen The Flower of Dr. Nobody? And I'm like, no, I haven't seen that one yet. And she's like, oh, it's amazing. Wait, you haven't seen The Flower of Dr. Nobody? No, not yet. Oh, dude. I know. I know it's playing at the whatever. But she also loves this movie and also Saving Silverman, which is a fine movie. Oh, my gosh. Those are two of her favorite movies. Why does she love it? I cannot get an answer from her. Does she love Bruce Willis? I mean, she loved Moonlighting. We used to watch Moonlighting. Okay, Moonlighting is amazing.

24:30I did too. Oh, I love Moonlighting. Loved. By the way, I was, just to sidetrack on a tangent here, like How I Met Your Mother this week. Again, we have a little rivalry with How I Met Your Mother. You know what? You know what? Fuck those guys. Uh-oh. How I Met Your Mother this week, we're like, they did a rhyming episode, and it's never been done before. And I was like, no, Moonlighting did it. Yeah, that's true. They did the Iambic Pentameter episode. The Shakespeare, the Taming of the Shrew episode. Yeah, so I just wanted to break that down for a second. So guess what, How I Met Your Mother?

24:55You guys fucked up again. The feud continues. You know the deal. Meet us in the parking lot. I want to watch this. I want to watch this. H-Y-I-M meets H-D-G. Whatever. I'm just realizing, too, when they do that first robbery, and they're so casual about it and taking so much time, He hasn't done a heist like this in a decade? Many years. Oh, at least 10 years. He's not even played Nintendo. He's not even played Nintendo. Let's get into the Nintendo. The video game runner of this movie is insane because he's also a young guy. Like, you imagine that Bruce Willis did this movie at, like, 32, 33? Yeah.

25:39I mean, it was in 1991. 91. So I feel like that's, you know, I don't know. I'm not going to do the math of that. All right. Wait, where did actually, I don't know this. Right after Die Hard 2. Thank you. So he's still a young man, but he plays up that he's been in jail for such a long time. Like 10 years on this, and he goes, I don't even know what Nintendo is. And Nintendo comes in, Mario Brothers comes in. Well, there was a Hudson Hawk video game. That's exactly what I found out today. It was a really terrible Hudson Hawk video game, but they pushed it a lot. It was for Nintendo, right? Yes, it was for Nintendo.

26:16after the movie was out to go along with the movie it was going to be this huge thing that's why you're here I'll only do movies that have video games it was released for the Commodore 64 Amiga, ZX Spectrum and Atari as well as the NES and Game Boy and it's like by the way what kid is going I love the movie I want to play the game and what is it in the game do you rob things let me rob rob Vatican According here, you play as Hawk and you must steal the Storza and the Codex from the Auction House and the Vatican, respectively. Then, Castle da Vinci has to be infiltrated in order to steal the mirrored crystal that needs to power the gold machine.

26:56On his journey, Hawk must face many oddball adversaries, including dachshunds that try to throw him off the roof of the Auction House, janitors, photographers, killer nuns, and a tennis player, presumably Darwin Mayflower. That is the really weird thing about this movie. like none of the theft is done with any grace or intelligence or strategy. No, no, no. Or like. No, like versus like an Ocean's Eleven where half of the movie is planning. Which, by the way, is so sexy. Yes. Amazing to watch. I love it. This is like he wakes up in the suitcase day of and they give him one tour of the Vatican. Yeah.

27:30And they're like, oh, and you're robbing it tonight. Postal service. The people service. And there's no. Yeah, there's no trailer. And his list of things he needs are like olive oil, a bunch of stamps. Wait, what did he do with the stamps? Oh, he mailed himself into the Vatican. Remember he was in that big box. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I want to, this is again. Second time he got mailed. I love mailing himself. That's like his fucking move. He liked it.

27:51Jason Mantzoukas:He liked it. I do want to bring up one of the things, again, why I couldn't figure out how long he's been in jail. He doesn't know what Nintendo is. I buy that. He hadn't seen E.T. That's it. Yeah. Never saw E.T. Because E.T. is what, 82? Oh, or maybe. All right. So E.T. came out in 82. Yes. Okay. That works. Yeah. That works in math. Yeah, for 10 years. For 10 years since. All right. All right. There we go. But still, I mean, if he's so great at doing this stuff, why didn't he break out of jail? That's number one. Andy McDowell is a nun. Oh. That happens. She is the romantic lead in the movie.

28:25She keeps flirting and going after him. Oh, three quarters of the way through the movie, it is revealed by virtue of a wardrobe change Yes. By putting her in a nun's habit that she is a nun. Are they allowed to dress sexy on their off time? Well, I mean, she's an under. She's also undercover. She's an undercover nun. She's an undercover. Guys. Undercover. Fucking nailed it. Make the poster. Make the poster. Undercover. Undercover? By the way, that is a movie. That is a movie. This is not been done. We have to make an undercover. Undercover. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. By the way, that should be. I almost want us to cut this out of the podcast.

29:05It's brilliant. I'm not kidding. I need to register this before the undercover. Oh, God. I need to leave right now. I have to start writing. Hey, can I? She'll be in the habit of busting all the crimes. Oh, that's okay. That's okay. Wow, wow. He really shot you down on this. How about busting crimes is her habit. Oh, I like that. I mean, you just took my idea and moved it around. You know what? I get that. I get that. You know what? You know what? You can control the video game. Undercover the video game. That'll be a really sexy one. By the way, Nundercover. That is amazing. You know what? Those kind of moments, they don't come along all the time.

29:44You have to really respect it. By the way, I feel great. I'm not a lawyer. I feel great. I'm not a lawyer, but if anyone writes that. Wait, you're not a lawyer? I'm not a lawyer, but if anyone writes that, I think we can see you. We have the basis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you write that, you're off. Timestamped. Yes. I've been timestamped. Okay, she's a nun. she's a nun who communicates through a talking light up crucifix that thing scares the shit out of me that really frightening that was really weird uncomfortable to look at well there's four organizations of secret people in this that's what's so confusing and I know I did just get a flu shot today so I watched it I was a little out of it I was very confused I also got the same flu shot and it did not temper my brain power this is not a I was very confused about who was CIA well there's CIA there's Vatican CIA Vatican CIA Then there's the other bad guys, but then Mayflowers.

30:32The Mayflowers. So I guess that's just three. Well, then the problem really was that they, at various times, were teaming up and were double-crossing each other. Against each other, yeah. So that was what was confusing to me. Right, like Kit Kat was double-crossing. Who? Kit Kat. Caruso? No, the Mayflowers killed him. Yeah, right, because he was... Danny Aiello was double-crossing, but then he wasn't double-crossing. But I thought Kit Kat was... Kit Kat himself? These are words we're saying out loud. I thought Kit Kat was... I thought Kit Kat was... They found out that he was double-crossing the Mayflowers.

31:06The Mayflowers found that out. No, the Mayflowers just decided to kill the CIA team. They also shot the Butterfinger. Oh, boy. What am I talking about? They're almond joy. Snickers. They killed Snickers. You know, like, they decided... And then they say, why are you killing them? And she says, we're greedy or something to that effect? More like, she basically says, we want it all for ourselves. Oh, gosh. Don't try to make sense of the plot. because I don't think that they even did that service. And Kit Kat, his dying words written on a note were, I always liked you. Shown to Andy McDowell. But she had prepared, so I guess he knew he was a statue.

31:37He knew he was dressed as a statue. Well, here's... Dressed as a statue. That's not the way to go. You don't want to go out dressed as a statue. What the fuck was that? I once heard Bruce Willis in an interview say the reason why people like Die Hard is because of the New Jersey comedy. What? What? Yes, he said the reason why people connect to that movie is because they like seeing a guy from New Jersey cracking wise. Oh, this is what happened. This is why we got this movie. And this is why we got a movie where literally a guy gets his head cut off and the line that Bruce Willis says is— I know it, I know it.

32:09I guess we won't see him at the hat convention in July. Yeah, I guess we won't see that guy attending the hat convention in July. Which makes me think there is a real hat convention. By the way, it would not surprise me if Bruce Willis was a guy who goes to hat conventions. But by the way, come on. This is a guy losing his head. There's a million jokes. Like, oh, I guess he lost his head. There's also one where he says, how's my driving? 1-800-000. Oh, that's the line I was just trying to look for. That's my favorite scene. That was. That scene is amazing. He says, wait a second. He says that line.

32:43Bruce Willis is that. Right after a car pulls up next to him. Bruce Willis. Yes, it's my favorite line. Bruce Willis has fallen out of. He's in an ambulance. Connected only by a long ship. He's got a gurney on wheels, connected by a bed sheet to the ambulance, going over the bridge. The bridge, yeah. The Verrazano Bridge, or like a big New York bridge. Anyway, and he's careening all over the place, and a convertible pulls up next to him, and some pretty girls go, Hey, mister, are you going to die? Like, that's what they say. Like, so, like, ha, ha, ha. It's crazy. Like, it's crazy. This man is bleeding from a, yeah.

33:18This is, you are going to watch someone die. And then he says, the line, you just said, how am I driving? 1-800-I'm going to die. And then he goes to a toll booth. And pulls out exact change. The exact change, the cigarette that a woman tosses out of her window, she catches and says, oh, menthol? Yes. Are you kidding me? Great joke. This is my favorite scene in the movie. That is my favorite scene. And then there's all these, I guess to me it's like, all right, I buy that scene because that scene at least felt like it was tonally appropriate. They made a choice. But the rest of the movie doesn't go that way.

33:50But then you have these moments where it's like you pass by some security guards and he's like, hey, can you believe it? There's so many Wongs in the phone book. And he goes, oh, so many Wong numbers. And then he goes, look up chin. That's it. These are like jokes that people make at a cigar club. And they're like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. That's funny. And it's like, oh, yeah. Well, when they're eating pasta in Italy, they're putting a thermos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's a joke that I wasn't clear on what was the point of this. When James Coburn, who's the bad guy CIA agent, he's all mad and he goes, I can't remember what he says, but then he goes, we blow up space shuttles for breakfast.

34:33I was like, well, man. I'm going to use that one. Hey, man, that's not cool. That was too soon. Too soon, bro. Like, what are you talking about? So, wait, you guys blew up the space shuttle? Yeah. That's true. It's only been at that point a couple of years since I'm looking right now. McCullough. That was in 1986. So that was like only five years, five or six years older. Way too soon. Guys, too soon for this movie. Not cool. Not cool, guys. Although I do like that line. It's a good line. I did think that was a bold one. I mentioned in the opening, Bruce Willis does have five earrings. Oh, yeah.

35:03Like a pirate, which was a very interesting choice. I thought that the - He can't get a cup of coffee to save his life. Cappuccino. That is a real running gag. All he wants is a cappuccino. So again, making the character super accessible. He's a safe cracker with a heart of gold who only wants a cappuccino, but he gets pulled into an elaborate alchemy plot. There she is. Oh, sorry. Please, go ahead. Sorry. Please continue. I was looking at my notes and I just saw something. I want to talk about the relationship between him and Andy McDowell, two scenes in particular. One, Andy McDowell's genuine amusement at this guy.

35:40He flies off of a building, lands in a chair. Again, I buy the Looney Tunes aspect of that. Coughs out feathers, like full on like. Like he's a clown. Like he's a clown. And Annie McDowell sits there like. Charmed. Charmed. Charmed. And they're there for like all of. A guy comes up and he goes, what do you want? And he goes, sir, I'm the waiter. And he goes, okay, I guess you are. And oh, they order and he wants ketchup for his pasta. Well, that's the other thing too. There's a thing about like Italian food being bad. Like it's like, I want ketchup. No, no, no. you're in Italy and you're Italian and you're from New Jersey.

36:14Like this shouldn't, you should be wonderful for you. You've been in jail for 10 years and you, and you want a cappuccino. You have a refined taste. You don't want ketchup. Also ketchup and a cappuccino. You can't want both things. Yeah. And then cut to kick, not kick up a Butterfinger, the big doofy guy who's like steak burger. Give me a steak. Okay. The one joke I really laughed at with Butterfingers was when he was in the back of the car there. I think they're not sneaking out the restroom, but someplace. And he's saying something. And the guy in front of him goes, here, just read a book. Read your book.

36:49Read your book. And then he starts reading a children's book. He starts reading green eggs in him. Yeah. He starts reading green eggs in him. I did laugh out loud. And they go, to yourself. He's like, I felt bad for him. Yeah, I felt bad for him. Yeah, he was a real dummy. He was a real dummy. Just for the fans of the show, I think this is interesting to mention that. The screenplay was a How Did This Get Made all-star mashup. It was written by Steven D'Souza, who wrote Street Fighter. Amazing. And Judge Dredd. And also co-written by Daniel Waters, who wrote Demolition Man and Batman Returns. Oh, my God.

37:23So these guys were... Heavy hitters. Yeah, really heavy hitters. Did anyone else notice that at the Vatican in the postal subway, there was a cross that had been packaged and was just behind them at one point when Andy McDowell is walking through the subway? No. There's a giant, like a crucifix that's just in brown UPS packaging. So weird. Well, how else are you going to move them? I mean, I guess. How else do you move across? I guess now that we know that Andy McDowell is a nun, I can answer this question. But Andy McDowell gives him a shirtless massage. And he goes to kiss. I thought this was post-coital.

37:57I thought they had sex. And they were in bed because he's, I guess, just shirtless. and she's rubbing his back and asking about his tattoos, blah, blah, blah. And she is wearing all of her clothes. Every single one. And I was like, are they done? What is it? And they go to kiss and she goes, I can't do this. Wait, wait, wait. But you can give a guy a shirtless back. I mean, it was very sexual, but now we know why. What I was confused about is what exactly her plan was. Like, what was she trying? She was seducing him. She already knew what he was going to do. She wanted to stop him from stealing the codex because they need to protect it.

38:32But did she ever really try to do that? No. Yeah, she was trying to get close to him to figure out his plan, but then she realized he was just being used. He's a nice guy. Because the Vatican thought he was the threat. Right, but he was being forced to do this or he'd go back to jail. Or they'd kill his Danny Aiello, et cetera. It was actually supposed to be Isabella Rossellini in that role, by the way. Yes, it was. That was something I read. And Annie McDowell. Oh. Yes. Because she's like a southern girl. Annie McDowell is not an Italian. She's gorgeous. She was actually the third choice. It was Isabella Rosalina who was originally cast.

39:04And then they recast Marusha Detmers. But then she had to leave because she had back problems. And then they brought in Annie McDowell. Now, I will bring up this one disturbing moment. I don't know if any of you caught it. But the Butterfinger, the big, messy, that guy, goes. I know what you're talking about. There's a moment where they're spying on them. And they're trying to come up with what their plan is. And he writes, should we rape them? He says, okay, roughly that. Why do we have to do this in movies? Early 90s, why do we have to do this in movies? Can I ask you, this is when they then say, read your book.

39:41It's the same scene. It's the same scene. Now, okay, I really struggled with this because I was like, did he really just say, should I rape her? Yes. No, them. Them. He did say them. Them. So that's helpful. That makes me feel better. Does it? Does he? Yeah, he's a monster. He will rape anything. Yes, he will rape anybody. I'm willing to bet he's saying something else, but that we heard. Is it possible? No. Oh, that it got dubbed? No, no, no, no. What else could he have said that that's the better version? I don't know. No, because I couldn't make heads or tails out of that. I'll tell you what it was.

40:19It was just a heightening. Like, this guy is a complete animal. Even though he's reading a children's book. And so like the idea being like our next move here strategically might be just me raping them. Because for what purpose? I think this is a question he asks a lot. Every mission.

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44:07Jason Mantzoukas:And it feels kind of cool and personal. So whatever you want to do, you can make for a friend and make them feel good. And right now you can save 25 % off your first order at Zazzle.com. That's 25 % savings on your first order at Zazzle.com. Go make something amazing. Zazzle.com. All right. Let's get into our villains because Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bullock, sorry, not Bullock, Sandra Bernard. Really swinging for the fences. Yeah. Let's play a clip of them. You can get a sense of what their performances are like. This isn't a fantasy. It is a reality. Oh, yes. If Da Vinci was alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi naked in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us.

44:58So that's a little sense of what they are. Bombastic, crazy characters playing tennis indoors. That's how you show people are crazy. And I don't, again, know exactly what their plan is to control the world. World domination, he says. World domination. Richard E. Grant did write in his book, With Nails, that this movie was just replotted during the actual days of filming. Wow. Yes. That's cool. Yes. So, I mean, any thoughts on these people? I like their dogs a lot. I enjoyed them. I enjoyed their performances. I really enjoyed Sandra Bernhardt. Amazing. So good. Really, really good. I couldn't take my eyes off of them.

45:37Both of them, I thought, were terrific. Like, they were just chewing the scenery. I feel like they were also on tone. Like, they were like, okay, this is what it is. It's as if in Dan Aykroyd's Terrible Movie, Nothing But Trouble, the Brazilians were the villains of the movie. That's what it's like. Remember the Brazilians? Yes. The brother and sister. They were just incredibly bombastic characters. Sexual, weirdly sexual. Weirdly sexual, really weirdos. And I enjoyed it. I thought that they are the saving grace. What I didn't enjoy was that dog. The dog was, I didn't like the dog rooting around and Bruce Willis' crotch.

46:18I was like, come on, do we really? And then the fact that they threw the dog out the window at the end. Well, the dog was trying to attack Andy McDowell. What are you going to do? Yeah, they, and there was, you know, the dog had it coming, to be honest. The dog was evil. At the end, you could tell the dog, like, wanted, the dog seemed actually more evil than either of its owners. Well, that's, I was going to say, did anybody else think that the dog was the boss of them? Yes. Like, they were just probably doing the dog's bidding. They're like the son of Sam. I love that first time you see Sandra Bernhardt.

46:44Like he was the big evil? Yeah, he's the big guy. That she's just thinking, I've got the power. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was good. Sitting on a conference table. Wait, what was that a conference table of? Because there was a small Indian boy. A lot of ethnicities. A lot of ethnicities happening. Was this the Legion of Doom or something like that? Were they all bad guys?

47:07Jason Mantzoukas:I don't think so. They were working for a company. Their company was at M Corporation or whatever. Yeah, but that's like one of them was a child. One of the people at that table was a child. You don't get it, Jason. You don't get the comedy of it. It's funny. That's not like some Temple of Doom stuff. You know what? Yeah, the Maharaja guy, yeah. I think you need to hear Bruce Willis explain why you don't get the jokes here. Can you play that clip of Bruce Willis talking about this movie? Oh, jeez. There's a half an hour interview about Bruce Willis defending this movie on YouTube in three parts.

47:35Bruce Willis talks Hudson Hawk. You'll find it. Here we go. Here's a clip.

47:42Jason Mantzoukas:You know, looking at how it kind of became this cult film, and what people come up and say to me on the street about it is... Take your time, Bruce. They dig the fact that it was making fun of itself, and that it was satire. And I don't think anybody got that when it came out. They didn't know what to make of it. But, you know, me and Danny Aiello singing in a movie was just unheard of. Is that satire? Is that considered satire? They were mad that we were trying to make them laugh. He's Tommy Wissowing this. He's rewriting history. This is riveting. It's amazing. The interview itself is amazing.

48:28But blaming people for not getting satire. But then hearing him say that satire is him and Danny Aiello singing. That's not satire. I don't understand. He made this earnestly. He didn't make this. He thought this was going to be fucking. Indiana Jones. He thought this was going to be like. His James Bond or his man Flint or Austin Powers or whatever. I think he was like, this is going to be Die Hard plus. Yeah. You know, it's going to be the action and the adventure of Die Hard, but with better jokes. New Jersey humor. And more like swashbuckle. The jokes are so slapstick. Just by the way. Yes.

49:01Just if you're wondering what the definition of satire is, I will tell you that. Oh, hello. The use of humor to ridicule, expose, or criticize people's stupidity of vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics. I've actually never heard that definition. So that, I mean, you know, so I don't know if that movie falls into that, the alchemy. He really took down the alchemy committee. But the movie's original catchphrase was catch the excitement, catch the adventure, catch the hawk. But when they realized it wasn't really an action movie, they changed it for the home video release, which was catch the excitement, catch the laughter, catch the hawk.

49:33That's very telling. Yeah, they knew. They were like, we got to figure out some other way to package this thing. This is not working out. Bruce Willis does not. Bruce Willis gets so defensive on this movie when you hear he goes, people criticize this movie. I have so much money. I could just sit by a lake and skip stones. What do I care? That's his response. That's funny to me. His response is like, no, no, we tried something. He's like, fuck you. I don't need it. I don't need you to like anything. I'm rich. I did this for me. I didn't even do this for you. I'm rich as shit. Which he is. I was actually, I was looking at his IMDb.

50:05That man has been working forever. He has so much money. So much money. I also, I do think probably this falls into the category that we are now, like, I hate to say it again, but Toysing. I'll bring up Toys again. I believe this to be a project that because of his power, box office power, Bruce Willis was able to get this movie made. Oh, absolutely. You know, this was a passion project for Bruce Willis. Not like, they didn't, he wrote this movie. It is built for him. With a budget of$70 million in 1991. Wow. It brought in a total of$17 million. Which is, I mean, that's some money. It didn't, oh, I guess it definitely bombed.

50:45I mean, this is one of those movies that is a bomb that you forget about. Like, people talk about Ishtar. Oh, yeah. But they don't talk about Hudson Hawk. I mean, and I was excited. I remember seeing this and knowing that Bruce Willis was in a movie. I was like, oh, it's going to be great. It's going to be like acting. And it looked awesome. Yeah. You know, this was an era when, like, between, like, Die Hard and Indiana Jones, but also like a time when like Romancing the Stone was a big movie to me. Yeah, that movie. And that movie is amazing. Like a real adventure romance. Oh, it's so fun. And this had that, like that's why I went to a date.

51:14You know, I took a date to this because it looked like it was going to be awesome, the way Romancing the Stone was. Yeah. And instead it was worse than Romancing the Stone 2. Oh. Jewel of the Nile. I like Jewel of the Nile. We haven't even talked about Andy McDowell's Dolphin. I was just going to say that. The Dolphin sounds were amazing. I don't, and I remember looking away for a minute and then looking back at the movie and going, wait, what is she doing? What is she doing? She was doing voices. She was doing shtick. She was like, they were like, they double crossed her or whatever. And then she was like, I'm not a, you think I'm a damsel in distress.

51:46And then she goes, you know, I can't pay the rent. You must pay the rent. I can't pay the rent. Eee, eee, eee, eee. And like started doing like dolphin noise. Was she trying to intimidate them or freak them out? She was just trying to show them that she wasn't scared of them, I think, was the bit. that she could do bits. No, no, no. She was under some sort of drug, right? But the drug was too... No, that's what they were saying, that she must still be coming off of the... I thought she was. The paralyzing drug? Yeah, but that wasn't... No, that had to be it. That was not a side effect of the drug because Bruce Willis and Danny Ayo had never experienced that.

52:16Well, they were being just as silly as they always are. Come on. Well, they're guys from New Jersey. Just a couple of pies on. By the way, to see Andy McDowell do those dolphin noises, I mean, I didn't know what to do with that. So you were won over by that performance, the dolphin noises. I didn't know she had that in her. Let me ask you a question. Isabella Rossellini because she had done those dolphin noises. That's a great question. That's a great question. She would have sold it a bit more. I think so. I mean like Blue Velvet era Isabella Rossellini. By the way, I know we already talked about it, but I'm going to say it again.

52:45She plays an Italian nun? Italian nun. That's crazy. I didn't even really put that all together. But she's American. No, no, no. She's not playing Italian. She's not playing Italian. Yeah, she's American. But she should be Italian, right? Yes, she should be Italian. Sure. I'm sure if Isabella Rossellini had played it, she would have been a native Italian. Yeah, that would have made sense. We want to talk about Frank Stallone, who was part of the Mario Brothers. The Mario Brothers, amazing Frank Stallone. Give it up for Frank Stallone. More clap. This is like when they play the old Howard Stern tapes and everybody's clapping for no good reason.

53:20I like a good clap. They make some subtle digs at Stallone, too. Sly Stallone. We have a clip of that. we're gonna just play a clip of Frank's one. There's a quick one here. There's a safe on the seventh floor. You take their thingy and you put it in this thing. Directions even your brother could understand. Oh, shots fired. Little did he know that they'd be opening a plan in Hollywood just months later. Oh, wait, but he's talking about the brother that's sitting right next to him. But we all know. By the way, the beginning of the movie, like he's gonna eat a drink, a cappuccino, and a guy pulls out a gun in the middle of a crowded restaurant, shoots a cappuccino glass.

53:56No one moves. No one moves. And he's out there with a gun. Yeah. Not hidden. The bullet, the gun has a silencer. Yes. Yeah. So it's like, you know, but like every, it's a crowded bar and nobody flinches. Nobody seems to notice. And then Danny Aiello hits a guy in the head with a wine bottle a few minutes later, shatters and people, like two people look over. Yeah. This is where this movie. It's a weird bar that they own. You know what? Fuck this movie. Obviously we had an opinion about this movie, but there are certain people who have a better opinion. Now it's time for five star reviews from Amazon.

54:27Second opinion, second opinion. They're not your first, but they're gonna be your second. These are five-star reviews. You guys can comment on these as you see fit. Here we go. This is titled, For a True Movie Fan. I've probably watched this movie round a hundred times, and I can practically quote it round. A hundred times? Mm-hmm. Is there an apostrophe before round? Yes. Okay. I think my mom wrote this review. Around 100 times and can practically quote it from start to finish. I certainly wouldn't have done that if this movie was bad. Oh, my God. Five stars. Oh, my God. Anyway, I do agree with you, Jason, though.

55:10Like, the apostrophe. What's the point? It's one letter. One letter. One letter. You've already done it. Taking the place of that apostrophe. Yes. There is the same number of characters in that word. Yeah. Yes. Here's another one. Boom. And the colloquialism of it, the casualness of it, it doesn't matter. That word doesn't matter. And I know I'm sure I used colloquialism wrong, so everybody shut the fuck up. Shout out. Everyone shout it. Everybody relax. You're going to get you. Stop saying I look like Da Vinci. This one is titled, boom, side by side, boom. You'll be rolling on the floor laughing, but be careful and not die laughing too hard.

55:49What? Did Danny Aiello write that? That was a five-star review. I have had some experiences with side-by-sides. I just want to say that. Bruce is a riot. I'm worried about it. This is what I get. A lot of the Hudson Hawk reviews attack critics for being bad. So this one goes, I think movie reviewers underappreciate a good comedy. Most are stuffy, overweight, undereducated film study dorks. Uh-oh. I agree with that. I agree with the first sentence of that for sure. Yeah, they don't appreciate comedies. They don't appreciate comedies. Yeah. Who are these critics? Who cares? These are the same critics that think that Gandhi is one of the best things to happen to film, which just goes to show you what they know.

56:31This movie is about fun and entertainment and not meant to be scrutinized, analyzed, or otherwise-ized. Watch and enjoy. Five stars. Oh, I love that guy. And this is my favorite review of all time by Yellow Defender. I thought the storyline was great. It was a little boring, but it kept me on my toes. My favorite parts were when the dog bunny goes flying out the window, and when Bruce gets out of jail and throws the key into the mop thing, and he adjusts his hat. He had me try cappuccino, too, and it's pretty good. I think this is one of Bruce's best movies, even if he doesn't think so. So he turned him on to cappuccinos.

57:10That's huge. One of his favorite parts was the head? When he adjusts his head. This is also, again, another non-joke joke. Bruce Willis steals a guy's keys and then tosses his keys in a dirty mop bucket. He's like, hey. Just as a hat. It's a cool guy. It's a non-moment. It's a non-moment moment. But it's also like, he's so cool. Hudson Hawk is so cool. That's what I think this guy was responding to. He does it to his hat. He drinks cappuccinos. He throws dogs out of a window. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think he definitely appeals to the, I want to hang out and have a beer with that guy. Which he does that in his other movies that are better also.

57:49Oh, yeah. This movie is terrible. He's great in a million movies. Die Hard? Are you kidding me? We think that Danny Aiello has died in this movie, only to realize that he has come back. And we want to just play Danny Aiello's comeback moment. Here we go. No way! Yes way! Did I miss anything? Did you miss anything? You're supposed to be all crashing up at the bottom of the hill. Can you fucking believe it? You're supposed to be blown up into fire each other. Sprinkler system set up in a back. Can you fucking believe it? Yeah. That's probably what happened. Drink a cappuccino. Hey, drink a coffee.

58:33He gets his cappuccino. Oh, thank God. And a moment before he gets his girl to play Nintendo with him. She agrees to play Nintendo with him. They play the Hudson Hawk game. Danny Aiello pulls up to that scene riding a donkey. I just want to say, he is just riding the donkey into town. Because they have also just flown in Da Vinci's original flying machine. Which still works and was not updated at all. What? Yeah. It's amazing. I love that scene of them, the two of them just having a blast. I like to think of that day of filming that they were like, all right, just get on my back. It did look like fun.

59:09But that's the one thing I do feel like the two of them were like, there's a scene in the movie where they just both grab their balls when they hear an explosion. Like, oh! It's like, I feel like they're like, yeah, we'll do this, and this is good. Little moments. Or how about like when they're hanging off the side of a castle. They've somehow, he and Danny Aiello have scaled a castle. They are hanging off the edge. They're luring the guards to come so they can punch them out. And Bruce Willis goes, hey, how do I look? And he goes, what are we going to do with this right now? I just want to know, how do I look?

59:39What are you talking about? We're hanging off the edge of a castle here. You're asking me, how do I look? And then the guards come up in and they're like, punch, punch. You look pretty good. You look pretty good. That's the kind of bullshit this movie is full of. It's like if the guys who hung around Tony Soprano wrote a movie. This is Christopher's movie. This is Christopher. If you told me Christopher Moltisanti wrote this movie, I would be like, okay, I get it. And it's not that bad. Then also, they make a lot about, the one thing I want to say just before we wrap up, too, if you have any final points, but they make a big deal about Danny Aiello being fat.

1:00:12I was about to say that too. He's not that fat. Yeah. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Bruce Willis, his figure is also not the slender figure of like a thief or a cat burglar. That's true. He's not graceful or flinky. Just for the listeners, June is doing cat-like motions with her hands. Like a cat burglar. Like a cat, like rear, rear, rear. I'm going to rob you. Meow. Guess what? You consider yourself robbed. You'd be a great cat burglar. Would you like to be in undercover as a cat burglar that robs a church? You know what? I'm going to need to see you in the habit. I'm going to need to see you in the habit.

1:00:49No, no, no. She's the burglar. She's the enemy. Oh, God. Oh, no, but the nun has to go undercover. As a cat burglar? As a cat burglar. There's a lot of double sizes. Or is it a cat burglar that goes undercover as a nun? Guys, I want to assure everybody, this will be not even remotely similar to Sister Act. Not even remotely similar. It'll have moments of miscongeniality, I think, in thematic. Possibly, possibly. What's the basic premise of Sister Act? Sister Act is she witnesses a murder and has to go hide out in a convent. She's a soul singer. Will it be anything like nuns? But that is all about getting the convent to sing.

1:01:27Yes, exactly, exactly. Will it be anything like nuns on the run? No, it won't be like nuns on the run. Who did nuns on the run? Irish guy and somebody else. Irish guy and the other one. Oh, yes, that one. I'm sorry. Irish guy and the other one. Eric Idle and Robbie Coltrane. That's right. Any final thoughts? Anybody have any final thoughts? Go see it. Five stars. Yeah, would you guys see it? I would recommend you should watch it maybe. It's a fun party movie. I think it's a fun party movie. It's crazy enough. There's crazy enough moments in it. Watch it, but be willing to fast forward. Absolutely.

1:02:03Because who cares? It is definitely. Definitely watch all the Richard E. Grant, Sandra Bernard stuff. Oh, my gosh. That shit's awesome. And I will say I watched most of it, but the three-part interview series with Bruce Willis and Robert Kraft as they sit around. And Bruce Willis just goes into getting very defensive about the movie and explaining the movie and talking about the song. They play the song. They sing the song. It's a three-part thing on YouTube. Bruce Willis talks Hudson Hawk. I think you will enjoy it. I think I won't. I think you will love it. so alright so just once again Emily your podcast is on the Nerdist channel they can get it the Indoor Kids it's you and Kamal it's awesome I've done it it's great you should do the Hudson Hawk game maybe we should do a crossover that would be fun I gotta track it down have you guys ever done the movie to video game we have we have done and actually that one didn't come up in the episode that we did but we did a lot of like the Godzilla games that have come out like a lot of the E.T.

1:03:00one that new Godzilla trailer is fucking awesome I haven't seen it yet. I'm pretty excited. It's fucking awesome. I'm saving it. It's just like Oppenheimer talking about like the. It's really neat. Yes. All right. Cool. If you are looking at pictures of me from this podcast, you'll notice I have a mustache. It's because I just came from the Arsenio Hall show where I just played Archerio Paul. That happened already, but I'm sure you can find me as Archerio Paul on Arsenio Hall's website or anywhere else. So definitely check that out. You can follow me at Paul Shear on Twitter. Oh, and what do you do?

1:03:33I'm at TheGynamite. Oh, yeah. That's right. I'm at MissMSJuneDiane. Jason, just checking in on your Twitter. Yeah, yeah. No, not on Twitter, guys. Okay, great. Still not on Twitter. Not on Twitter. You know what? It's good. You probably have more time to do stuff in your day. So much time. So much jerking off. Undercover. I've got to write an undercover now. Thank God I'm not on Twitter. Thank God I'm not on Twitter because now I have time to write an undercover. So I do actually want to plug my upcoming film project, Nundercover. Because by the time this airs, I suspect I will have already sold it.

1:04:08Oh, maybe look on Kickstarter. Maybe I should Kickstarter Nundercover. I would get behind it. I would tweet that link out. And you should get the Twitter account for Nundercover. I'm sure nobody's going to do it. Yeah, get this by the website. I've got to get it before this comes out. Set up your website. I've got to do all this before this episode drops. Shit. You've got some time. You've got some time. And also a big thanks to everyone who helps us out here at the show. Our lead engineer, Frank Capella. Thank you so much, Frank. You're always amazing. And our clip puller, who's always suggesting great stuff, Avril Halley.

1:04:40And Nate Kiley, who's doing all of our research. He's amazing. And the fantastic Katie Dyer, who does our Twitter account.

1:04:48Jason Mantzoukas:You can follow us on Twitter always at at HDTGM. She also does our Facebook page. Leanna Waldron does all of our cool art. Check us out in the Earwolf store. We got cups. We got new shirts. Do it. Guys, we did it. Hudson Hawk. We caught the adventure. We caught the hawk. We caught the laughter for sure. Thank you so much for joining us, Emily. We'll talk to you later. Bye-bye.

1:05:18What's up, sports fans? I'm Rachel Demita, here to tell you about my show, Courtside Club. If you love hoops and hot takes, then you're in the right place. Want to hear about Caitlin Clark's unstoppable rise in the WNBA? How stars like Wemby and Luka Doncic are dominating the NBA? Or maybe you just want the tea on this week's most viral sports moments. Don't worry, we'll keep you updated on all of it. So grab your popcorn and come hang with us. Courtside. You can listen to Courtside Club wherever you get your podcasts. Uwee and ah. This episode is brought to you by SoFi. the all-in-one finance app.

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