The 3rd "Annual" Howdie Awards (Part 1)

28:18Why can't I fly faster than 62 miles an hour? He says he wants to achieve perfect speed. Which I was like, I feel like Jonathan Livingston Seagull is going to be the next cast member of the Fast and Furious movies. Put him in Put him in I would have loved it if he had a little gnaws button Come on, boom It's so hard too Because we're hearing those words But when we're cutting to the close-ups Of the seagulls The They're the least Expressive animal You could cast There's nothing going on behind the eyes There's no need for speed Cue the winged serpent From episode 358 Cue the winged serpent And listen Cue is a winged serpent And I'm certain And is seemingly immortal I'm not sure But To have the ability To swoop in Like having that much momentum Wingspan too Yes, that much momentum That much weight To come in Bite just his head off It is so delicate It's surgical It is so delicate kid.

29:32Q the winged serpent isn't interested in eating your whole body? No. Although there are times where he'll just pick a motherfucker up and fly away. I was so excited when he finally grabbed somebody in his claw. I'm like, you got the claws. Use them. Oh, it's the guy in the pool. It's the guy in the pool I think is the first claw grab. There are a couple times in the movie. Look at that winged serpent, by the way. Oh, in all of its glory. I really don't like seeing that big muscle over there. It looks like, I'll be honest, a thin dick. I was going to say it looks like someone, the winged serpent looks like someone who ate a Tootsie Roll and then tried to make it like a dick.

30:14And it's like, but it's like, I wish you were a little bit more talented. I got to tell you, I don't remember a single one of these. Except for the seagull, obviously. Yeah, Jonathan Livingston's seagull was, I will say, a really, and that's episode 328, You know, as opposed to the last category, a lot of these are from recent episodes. Well, more recent. June, I'm surprised that you don't remember Q, the Winged Serpent, as that this was a movie that gave you a real shock and scare. You got scared from a kite in that movie, just like one of the the actor. You know, the Q, the Winged Serpent definitely scared you.

30:50For me, the face in the hurricane and hurricane heist was very interesting because it's a movie about a hurricane. But then all of a sudden we've, you know, anthropomorphized it like I made it human. That was odd. I remember that. That seemed crazy. I agree. That seemed crazy. But the experience just from the experiential level, doing the Jonathan Livingston Seagull show to easily, easily the most combative audience we've ever performed to. That audience was furious that they had watched this. But by the way, I did not begrudge them that that me neither. Me neither. I was also furious and I was a host.

31:37So it's like we were all locked in a hostage situation. Yeah. Right. So and we were all together and we were all mad at each other and turning on each other. Yeah. Yeah. It felt it was a it was that episode was was very energized. Everything. It felt like every it feels like every time we go back to New York, we are somehow either reigniting or trying to cool down the temperatures that New York still feels. for having been put through this. And yes, Giorgio. I honestly think what we might need is some sort of a, separate from the podcast, to be quite honest, some sort of a healing, sort of sacred saging.

32:22I don't know what, but it does feel like a lot is sort of unsettled. You know what I think we should probably do? Maybe next time we're in New York, we should sacrifice a seagull. You know what? We should sacrifice a seagull on stage. One that's willing. Drink of its blood. A willing seagull. You know, we did play, when you were not there, June, but we did kind of goose the audience a little bit by playing a clip that Averill Halley made for us about Jonathan Livingston's seagull. And it did irritate them again in New York just very recently. We are definitely putting our fingers in that wound.

33:01You know, I don't know. I don't know if I want to give it a kiss. We're fingering your wound, New York. Fingering your wound. Is that a catchphrase? All right, let's see what the winner is. The howdy for the most bonkers flying entity goes to, oh my gosh, Jonathan Livingston-Siegel from episode 328. And oh my gosh, this is actually very exciting. This is not a category I won. No, Jonathan Livingston-Siegel won it. And we actually have Jonathan Livingston-Siegel here. Jonathan, take it away.

33:48there we go wow wow i mean i would you know what we need um and this is just because i don't need to listen to seagulls talk like that all day we need music to play uh the winners off yeah we do You know, thank you, Jonathan You can take that, put that in your sack It's the last one you're going to get Now, this next category Is near and dear to my heart It is a howdy for June's most savage Dislike And the nominees are Breakdancing from episode 188, Body Rock I'm going to say something That's going to be really harsh But whenever I see someone breakdancing, I feel embarrassed for them. I do.

34:38Did you feel embarrassed for that breakdancer I just showed you? Wow. Did you feel embarrassed for that breakdancer? No, I don't define what he was doing as breakdancing. Okay, what is he doing? I define breakdancing as like getting on the floor like a turtle. Like you're a turtle that can't flip over and just spinning around. So you equate breakdancing breakdancing with helplessness? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do. I'm stuck down here. I can't turn over. I want to make this clear. It's not that I don't, you know, I'm not someone who loves, like, high art and ballet and all that stuff. Like, this, I see where this is going.

35:21And I want to dispel that myth right away. Like, there's, I love where breakdancing came from and all that. I just, I find it unpleasant to watch. I don't think you can judge it. How is your breaking in season two? It's not very good. And that's where I want to say that when you try to learn stuff like this, then you realize the value because it's very difficult. So just because something is difficult doesn't mean that it's good.

35:56men who drink tea from episode 255 a very nutty christmas well i will tell you jessica i also i don't like a man who drinks tea me neither sorry jason i don't i don't want to see a man drinking tea. I don't. I don't want to see a black cup of coffee. So June, but you get angry at me when I drink a black cup of coffee. You're not going to put anything in it. I don't want to hear the word sleepy time. Can I ask a question? So June, you think hot beverages are gendered. Yeah. Coffee is boys, tea is girls. For me as a heterosexual woman, I'm sure, like, I don't think it's about gender necessarily, but I don't want to see my partner drinking tea.

36:43Oh, interesting. I, as a heterosexual woman, I don't want to see a man drinking tea. Here's what I'll say. Respect yourself. Here's what I'll say. I am so comfortable in my sexuality that I will crush. Here, I'll show you. Oh my gosh, you're going to make him drink tea on camera? Listen, I've done live shows with Jason. I've seen him drink a cup of tea before. Soothing Caramel bedtime. Wow. Take an Ambien like a real man. Paul's thoughts on Phoebe Cates' sexual awakening from episode 219, Drop Dead Fred. She is sexually repressed. Phoebe Cates as a grown woman is sexually repressed. So she never touched his dick.

37:28I think she's touched his dick. What was that? By the way, Paul, is that your definition of a woman coming to talk? What is happening? What is happening? What are we doing? What is this? Get out of here. What are we doing? This is irresponsible. This is outrageous. I'm so disturbed that you just said that. We can't live like this. What I was saying was Fred seems so shocked at seeing a penis. But Paul, no, what you're saying, what you just said. Yes, June. Yes, June. What you just said and implied is that for her to be fully sexually awake in her own body, the only way we would know that is if she touched a dick or not?

38:11Yes! No, no, no. Don't fuck yourself, my friend. Do not put her in my mouth. Team Fred! Team Fred! Wow. Wow. Wow. Do you remember any of that, June? I do. I don't. I do remember that. I do remember that. And looking back, you know, by the way, I'm not I'm not afraid to evolve. I love that. You know, the way I felt in some of these moments may not be the way I feel now in terms of breakdancing, in terms of men, especially men who drink tea. I've come I've come around on. OK. Oh, interesting. But I absolutely 100 percent today feel the same way about what Paul said about Phoebe Cates. I agree. I feel the same way today as I did on that day.

39:01It's not anger. And I support you just as much today as I did that. Wow. Thanks, Jason. I will always have your back on this. And I feel like, here's what I'm saying. I'm willing to say to you, Paul. Yes, please. Get fucked, buddy. Wow. Okay, okay, okay. This is, I feel like Drop Dead Fred is an episode that we should, is maybe the only movie we should ever redo. Well, I think it's a very misunderstood movie by the both of you. Or we do an episode where Casey comes on and the four of us listen to the episode and react to the episode. Because that's something I've never done. I've never listened.

39:43I've, of course, experienced the episode, but I've never listened to it. So I wonder if there would be value in recording an episode or doing like one of these live streams or something where the show is just an analysis of the episode. And I'd love to see how we feel now. I mean, I would hope you and Casey would have evolved. Gotta. If not, you should be locked up. Yeah. And it's so interesting, Jason, because I think for a long time, I was very aware, like, oh, Paul and I are married in real life. And, you know, I don't ever want Jason to feel kind of like excluded because we have our own thing.

40:20I don't ever want him to feel like we're ganging up on him. And after Drop Dead Fred, I actually then worried about Paul being so separate from us. Of course. You know, so different. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So alone. And aligned with Casey. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, just knowing, like, when in his darkest moments, he has Casey to cling to, not either of us. Yeah. You know, and this kind of speaking that you guys are both doing, this man-woman speaking, that you guys are having, is to me indicative of very much a team sanity point of view. Not a free-loving, freewheeling discussion. Very pointed, very much coming with consequence.

41:07And so I do think you've evolved. You've evolved to team sanity. You don't tell us we evolved. Hey, you don't tell us we've evolved. Anyway, the howdy for June's most savage dislike goes to... Paul's thoughts on Phoebe Cates' sexual awakening from episode 219. Drop dead Fred. So I'm going to take that one here. That's not for you. I'm going to put it in my sack. How does that not go to June? These are June's most savage dislikes. Yes, I assisted that one. Well, we all assisted all of these, first of all. I can tell you we all led you into the catchphrase. My thoughts assisted that. So I'm going to split it.

41:46So like if it was, if men who drink tea had won, I would get it because I was the tea drinker in question? Well, I would have to talk to the judges about that. Look at him squirm. I would have to, because I believe that June was basing that men who drink tea on the film. Then you just happened to drink tea. Oh, this is so unreal. Here's what I will say. This is so unreal. I'm going to Ving Rhames this and give my award to June. June, would you like to say anything? No. First of all, I don't want to accept it. Of course it's my award. I'm going to take it right now. I just gave it to you. You got it.

42:24Now I have it, and I'm going to put it in my sack. All right. That's great. It's great. Congrats, June. Thank you. Yeah, Paul's name is on that. No June is on that award. God, he did engrave his own name on this. Paul's thoughts on Phoebe Cates' sexual identity. Wait, how are the winners already engraved before the envelopes have even been opened? Again, this is serious trying to get ahead of the curve. They were, if we could. I just want to say this organization is corrupt. I don't believe in it. I think I'm willing to say now I bet I'm going to win none. You know what? Don't think that, Jason.

42:59Don't think that for a second. I'm trying to go in with an open mind, but I don't like how this is going. Kids, tell your parents you're staying up late tonight because there are plenty more howdies up for grabs after this brief word from our sponsors.

43:21Well now, this is a category It's near and dear to my heart Announcer, which howdy is it? Best second opinion review And the nominees are Chieftain's review of The Phantom From episode 142, The Phantom This movie rocks And yes, I'd say that into anyone's face because this guy taught me to stand up to bullies and to do what was right when I saw something going on that was wrong. Sure, it got me punched by a few, sorry. Sure, it got me punched a few times, but it's movies and ideas like this that make a person stronger than he or she thinks that they are. And it creates something that I like to call character.

44:14The one thing that's actually lacking in the things that most kids see nowadays besides respect. Wow. So call me an old crab apple. Say that I'm over the hill and even laugh at me as I walk past you. But God, I'll be right there saving you when you need me to. So go ahead and put this movie down as a flop. Go right ahead and listen to that idiot friend of yours that smokes that crap and tries to turn you to his side by putting guys like this down. See how far you'll get listening to him. Or rent this or Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino. and sit down with your kids

45:07and teach them a thing or two about how a person should react in the face of danger. How respecting another person can make people proud because that's what this world needs now. Kids that we can be proud of. Enough said. Five stars. Wow.

45:32That's amazing. Rush and Schill's review of Ronal the Barbarian from episode 341, Ronal the Barbarian. Get ready for this next one. Just wanted to kind of lay the groundwork with this. Rush and Schill, in November of 2013, wrote a review titled Great Movie. And here we go. the young mariner society is a small nautical league of aspiring seafaring boys that i run from my boat here in iowa hang on a second this is a confession i'm so sorry true or false iowa landlocked we spend countless nights on my boat just a few yards from the lake is this admissible in court i'll turn it over to lockhart and gardner to figure out if they can figure it out that's right i'm into season five of the good wife everybody get ready when i show up who am i oh i'm a lawyer okay i love that show eventually when the repairs are complete we'll take the boat out on the water i know i worked those boys hard this summer.

46:53But it was the only way I knew how to prepare them for manhood. Much of their training was based off the television show Deadliest Catch along with movies Cabin Boy and Down Periscope. What? Kids should not watch some of those. Upon graduation, several of my well-instructed little seamen have taken upon themselves... No! Little seamen? Have taken upon themselves the distinguished title of Mariner. Winning the rope swinging competition this past summer with my boys, I gave them a night off from our rigorous activities. I'm just going to remind everyone, this is an Amazon review. Yeah. I just don't want to get lost in the sauce.

47:35Like someone wrote this. This isn't an article where they're like, we uncovered this journal entry from the most prolific Iowan pedophile in history. This is an Amazon review, okay? Winning the rope swinging competition this past summer with my boys, I gave them a night off from our rigorous activities to enjoy a little R &R with a movie night. Without a doubt, they earned it. This movie was selected for its theme of maturation from boy to man. To everyone's delight, this movie was a hit. Family values galore, and no home should be complete without it. Five stars.

48:22I don't know what's going on. Unless that has been written from jail, I am flummoxed by that. Jay's review of Fifty Shades of Grey from episode 338, Fifty Shades of Grey. This movie was very hot and steamy. I am very happy with the purchase of this movie. It was definitely worth the buy. It made me all tingly inside. The actors were quality actors. Anna was a little annoying, but I would buy the movie again. I mean, I would recommend buying this movie for a little bit of romance in your life. The movie was definitely hardcore, and I think I would buy the movie again. I even bought the sequel to the book, and I'm super excited for Fifty Shades Darker to come out in theaters.

49:06I have a whole year to wait, but I'm really excited for it to come out. I love the movie so much that I can't wait. I watched this again last night before I went to bed. And then I woke up and watched it again, and I started thinking about it. Nope. You should totally buy this movie and you should buy the book. It will make you feel hot. You will definitely need a napkin after watching this movie. Christian is an amazing actor and he is so hot. I would buy this movie. Christian is an amazing actor. I would buy this movie 904 million more times. Purchase this. This story is well written and whenever I was watching this movie, it put me in an amazing mood.

49:50I was always better after reading these novels and watching this movie. I would say buy it. And I would say watch it alone. And then read the book alone too. And then you'll be feeling like a million bucks in no time. That guy died in an ocean of his own jizz. Hold on. R.I.P. Hold on. We should cut that out. I am a mom. R.I.P. And my kids drive me absolutely crazy. They yell all the time. and whenever I get them down for naps, I pull out my Kindle and I start reading this book or I bring out my iPad and I watch it. I forget about being a mom for a few minutes and I can actually fantasize about being the character.

50:30And then I snap back into reality when they wake up and I wait for them to sleep. I start counting the minutes until they are sleeping so I can read my book and watch my movie. I even pull it out while the kids are watching TV or my husband is watching the game. I would recommend this movie to all my girlfriends It is a hot read and definitely something I would watch again. I already have. These kind of movies are my favorite. I love the dominance of the male character, and I'm very pleased with my purchase. Buy this movie for a bit of hot and heavy romance. You will not be dissatisfied. Happy watching, ladies and gentlemen.

51:09I am very happy with the purchase of this movie. Five stars. Wow! Wow! Oh, my God! Wow. Again, another category where I am serving up some great. Can I just say one thing? Paul, you didn't write these reviews. And you read them. That's it. You always read the Amazon reviews. You didn't write this. Okay, sure, sure, sure. And actually, there's been a couple times, Jason, where I've said to him, like, we can read them, too. Yeah. Scott, cut this part out. Cut this part out, Scott. No, leave it in. We could read them. Cut this part out. You want to read them. You do read them. Cut this out. But any one of us could.

51:47And the reality is that the people that wrote these reviews are deserving of the award. You are the middleman in this. Okay. All right. Sure. I'm going to say one other thing, Paul. And I don't want to do this. I want this to be a night of celebration. Yeah. I would love it to be like that. But like you don't even curate. You don't even go through and look at all the reviews and pick them. You were handed a packet from my producers. Yeah. Like what if I got handed the packet? You know, Molly. Yeah. Molly. She'd probably get the award. Molly definitely gives me a list that I then curate. You know, so again, it is.

52:21You go through a couple that she gives because she's gone through all of them. Hmm. Interesting. Here's what I'll say. I bet this. I bet Molly doesn't even have a howdy sack. Molly, do you have a howdy sack? I have an off-brand howdy sack. I made it myself, but it's just as good as all of your fancy howdy sack. By the way, Jason, do you see how big Paul's howdy sack is? Well, it's, you know what? It's got to hold all of them. Well, it's bigger than the one I was given 10 years ago. So that means Paul has had new howdy sacks made, and he has the one that he made for himself is bigger than the one.

53:00I never even got this new one. You know, look, I didn't have time to get it in the mail. He took all the sheets off of our bed and sewed them together. Yes, I did too. If you're at home and you want to make yourselves a howdy sack, and show it off. Paul, where should they send the pictures? They should send the pictures. Put it on the Discord, the disconnected Discord. God damn it. Sorry. All right, well, you know what? All of that to be said, whether I'm deservant of this, or Molly is, or Scott, who cares? Let's not argue about it. Let's just say that the winner for the best second opinion review goes to, oh, this is a good one, Jay's review of Fifty Shades of Grey from episode 339, Fifty Shades of Grey.

53:40This is honestly, I have to say, all kidding aside, I want to be very serious. One of the best five-star reviews ever. It twists and turns. This is an unraveling. It is. This is a woman on the verge. Yes. And the honesty in which they can reveal themselves in the five-star review. And we know we're weeding out the people who are trying to just get on the show. This is not someone trying to get on the show. This is somebody who is very much into Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh, yeah. No, the earnestness and the revelatory confessions inside of it are pretty amazing. Pretty amazing. Now, moving on, you know, our movies tend to have a lot of heroic first responders, but thankfully those first responders don't always make the smartest decisions.

54:25Most baffling choice by a first responder. And the nominees are the paramedic who used her hair clip as a clamp from episode 315, Ambulance. Jake and Will and Cam are sweating and then they open this poor dude up. Oh, yeah. His spleen explodes. They use a hair clip as a clamp. And it works? I mean, she takes it from her disgusting, dirty hair. You know, like normally in a movie, like when they're doing fake surgery, like in a restaurant with a pen knife, she'll take some vodka and pour it on the knife. She did not even bother to take any rubbing alcohol in the back of this rig to fix her disgusting hair clip.

55:15She puts it in there and then closes him up. And he's fine. And he's talking by the end of the movie. He's fine. Oh, my God. It's just so great. He's in better shape than everybody else in the movie. He's like, I saw everything. I know what's up. And they're like, my guy, you have a banana clip in your body. You've got a scrunchie in your body. Did you have your hand in me? And she's like, oh, yeah, I was way in there. She said, I'm up in his guts. She said, he's like, he's coming too, he's coming too. I'm up in his guts. What? It's interesting because in these movies, I did have the thought at one point like, oh, Michael Bay is going to want her hair down.

56:07He's going to want to get her hair down. And the way he did it. I love this. It's successful. It was successful. And it was also like, wow, could not have imagined that. Oh my God. You know what? The way you can read these texts. Thank you. She really is going deep. I respect the shit out of this. The lady cop who cooked latkes. From episode 343, Samurai Cop. And I'll talk about this. They pour hot oil on the lady cop. And I kept on thinking, what is she making, french fries? How come there's so much hot oil? Hang on. She's at the stove, right? She takes the thing, frying pan, off the stove, goes to the freezer.

56:56She goes to the freezer, opens it, bends down to do I don't know what. Cool it off. Comes back up and is back up at the thing. I was haunted by that. Doing what? She also has a large bandage on her calf. I didn't see that. Which I was unsettled by. I didn't see that. Maybe Joe Zamorai tried to put it in the wrong place. Right here? Yeah. With his little dick? I really wonder. So when she went to the freezer, I was like, is she cooling off the oil? Like, did it get too hot? But that amount of oil. Just business. What was she doing with it? Latkes? I mean, how does she?

57:41I had to make sense of it. Sunday is latke day. Frozen latkes. Of course. It's the only thing that makes sense. She's preparing frozen latkes. By the way, can we just talk about the timeline of that day?

58:00Holy shit. That should be the shirt. Lady Cop Latkes. Oh, my God. I love that. The paramedics who treat all wounds with chest compressions. From episode 346, Madame Webb. Thank God she has taught all three girls the only piece of health, the only piece of life-saving. She's taught them all CPR. Chest compressions are good for everything. Every single call she goes on as a paramedic, chest compressions. You would think from this movie, because there's somebody, the EMT who gets injured in the ambulance, and he's covered in blood. He clearly has injuries. And she's just giving him chest. I believe he would have lived if she had treated his actual injury.

58:53She pushed his heart out of his body. He had open wounds and she just was like, chest compressions. I will say this. One of the cool things that they do in that sequence is how they have to work together to do a chest compression. Because, you know, sometimes you get like tired and you're like, somebody get in here. Finish my chest compression. But it's after minutes. It's after minutes. They switch after like five seconds. Yes. But I was actually glad, as somebody who's always up to date on her CPR, I was glad. Thank you so much. I was glad to see, like, yeah, people do get tired. If you're doing it correctly, you do tire out pretty quickly.

59:33And so it is important for other people to come in on the beat. Absolutely. And by the way, I agree with all this. But it would also lead me to believe that at the end, they would all take turns to revive her. Only two. They do switch once. Why? After like two pumps. You're calling them a two pump chump? You're calling these teenage girls? Paul Scheer is calling these teenage girls two pump chumps? Wow! And the howdy from most baffling choice by a first responder goes to... Yes, the paramedics who treat open wounds with chest compressions from episode 346, Madame Web. I mean, from one of our absolute favorite, Madame Web.

1:00:25I mean, really wonderful stuff. We love to be able to visit again to step foot in the Web-averse. I love that. And also, I remember, I think I'm correct in this, that we do have a shirt with bloody handprints on it that says, like, I went to Madam Web's CPR school, which I do. I do enjoy. Madam Web, the gift that keeps on giving. Really, like something that will, I think, live on for a long time. It is it's a special one, more so than Morbius, more so than a lot of the other ones in this world that we did. This one is this one's pretty spectacular. Oh, unfortunately, Adam Scott could not be here tonight.

1:01:07Yes. But he did want me to say something. Share it with you all. Paul, when you take on the responsibility, great power will come. Wow. Pretty solid words. And you know what? I will just accept this award on his behalf. I'm going to take the responsibility here. So this is how you win? Let me just put that in my sack and say thank you. No, I think this should go. Thank you, Molly. Thank you, Scott. Because you zipped it up and I see there's a lock on it. How do you have a luggage lock on your Howdy bag? Yeah, of course. These are hot items. I mean, you know, you see some of these on eBay. June.

1:01:45June. Yes. Saw some of them on eBay. Have you been selling your howdy There's only I haven't been selling I've been selling Paul's howdy sacks Oh smart Because there have been so many There was a couple left in that one That last one there was a couple left in there I didn't know Please Anyway I'll take this award I'm throwing it in my sack Congrats to Paul on another howdy added to his sack Will Jason finally win his first howdy award Find out this Friday in part two of the third annual How Did This Get Made? Howdy Awards. See you then.