The 3rd "Annual" Howdie Awards (Part 2)

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23:27Jason Mantzoukas:These awards thrive here. Anyway, our next category. Best Second Opinion Song. And the nominees are Ned and Rachel's riff on One Day More from Episode 200, Action Jackson. I saw a film on Amazon. A most confounding contradiction. But it's true fans will carry on. They hold the truth of their convictions Now they man the barricade Do you hear what people say? Hence the tide of poor viewing They don't care what critics think They will give a passing grade If you don't like it, then you're dumb They will give it all five stars

24:25Once or more It is simply their opinion Not the first but second All five stars That this movie is fantastic It's just stupid And the race is all but I liked the Meg And the haters and the losers Can go off and boil their heads Go ahead and give the Oscar Are you hearing what I said? Cause the only thing that matters now is this my second opinion

25:03Give it up for Ned and Rachel Jed's riff on Take On Me from episode 222, Unforgettable Type in a way Cause I've got a lot to say I'll say it in all caps and deathly defend this big hunk of crap till it makes sense as I write this from my parents' basement. Take it from me. Take it from me. I'm not wrong.

25:42This is my second opinion.

25:58Thank you, Jed. Wow. Give it up for Jed. Anna's riff on Can't Fight the Moonlight from episode 294, Moonfall. The moon's out of orbit, but don't throw a fit. Just get in the Lexus now. If you think the moon won't fall Well, you'd better call Patrick Wilson Halle Berry and Fuzz Aldrin the cat Megastructures and weird shit like that Need these second opinions stat You can try to resist how bad this movie is But you know, disgraced astronauts can't fight the moonlight deep in the dark you surrender five stars cause you know AI tech uh uh fights for the moonlight whoa hope Fletcher Jones is okay amazing oh my god oh my god that's how it's done that's how it's done we

27:12Jason Mantzoukas:have not standing ovation. Oh my gosh. What's your name? What's your name? I'm Anna. Anna. Thank you, Anna. Mark and Connor's riff on LMFAO's Shots from episode 320 Bats. So, uh, I'm Mark. Connor. And now it's time for Second Opinions. If you ain't watching Bats, get the fuck out of Largo. If you ain't a wildlife zoologist with especially Kira Pratchett, get the fuck ala largo. If he ain't waist-deep in guano, get the fuck ala largo. Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Everybody! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! Everybody! Second opinions on the rocks, and I'm ready for some Bats!

28:09Puckles, Amazon, every time I'm watching Bats! The reviews hit five stars every time I give them. Bats! So cups in the air. Everybody, let's watch Bats! Yes! Give it up! Yes! Wow. Great job. All slapping. Just escort them out. Oh, my gosh. Escort them out. Just you guys keep walking straight through the door.

28:38Jason Mantzoukas:So there are 672. I feel like the Bats version of Shots could chart.

28:49Jason Mantzoukas:And the howdy for best second opinion song goes to Bats, Bats, Bats, Bats, Bats. That is Mark and Connor's riff on LMFAO's Shots from episode 329, Bats. That doesn't seem right. I mean, odd. But you know what? It did get the crowd pumped up. Okay. What? I mean, sure. But I just, I feel like we can do better, you know? I mean, look, it's sometimes it's not about the quality. It's about the, it's the audience engagement. And I don't want to judge anybody too harshly. Okay. On to our next category announcer, please. Best Paul childhood story. And the nominees are 12 year old Paul goes to a New York City strip club from episode 321, Milk Money.

29:41Jason Mantzoukas:I did bring my friends into New York City one time. We went to Show World with fake IDs. And then... Show World is a strip club. And I went there as a 12-year-old. Paul, you had a fake ID? Well, you went to the store and you got an NYU ID and it said I was a college student, but I was only 12. And then you showed it to the people at Show World and they would let you in. I think they knew I wasn't in college. Oh, you think? You think? I like that there's a little, you're not quite sure. You're like, I was chewing on my bubble tape. I think they knew I was 12. I was so gobstoppers. And there was a moment where I was walking around Show World as a 12-year-old, and this woman approached me, and she said, do you want to watch me take a shower?

30:27Jason Mantzoukas:And I said, no. Paul, this movie. This is Frank. Well, this movie is your life. Did you sign away life rights? Is that why you're mad you didn't make a cut? Just feel like I could have gotten some better moments in there. And I remember that moment because I was like, I don't want to watch you take a shower, so I'm going to wait outside Show World. And I hung outside Show World and talked to the bouncer for a long time. While my two other friends were doing whatever they were doing. Watching someone take a shower. But before we got the show world, this guy was like, you want to like meet a. This is crazy.

31:08Jason Mantzoukas:Do you want to meet a sex worker? And we like, yeah. And he started to lead us down an alley. And at that point, I was like, this movie is your life story. By the way, I just want to go on record. We are two hours into the show. And only now are you inadvertently admitting and realizing this is your life story. on film. I did not put it all together. How? And as we were walking down that alley, I said, this is bad. Let's go. And then the guy said, where are you guys going? Where are you guys going? We're like, we're going to get out of here. And I pulled my friends out and then we went to Show World.

31:45Yeah. The only difference is he didn't have a gun

31:47Jason Mantzoukas:like this guy did. He might have. We didn't go down far enough down the alley. Paul's grandma threatens a butcher will grind him into meat from episode 232, Adventures of Pinocchio. My grandmother used to tell me this story when I was a kid that I needed to lock the door to my house because when she lived in Garden City this is where my grandmother lived in New York she's like, when I lived in Garden City there was a little boy and he didn't lock his door and one day he was in his bed I already know this is deeply irresponsible of her to have said and he heard footsteps coming up the stairs slowly slowly slowly slowly and then he's gotten really nervous and he got under his bed and he was under the sheets and the door opened creak it out and then the boy looked and it was the local butcher and he got scared and then all of a sudden the butcher grabbed him and the mom came home the boy wasn't there she brought home her chop meat no Paul stop stop it right now what are you talking about you're grand boy and what and the mother what are you talking about and then as the mother was making hamburgers for her son she started making hamburgers but the hamburger meat starts like mama no mama wait Paul, no.

33:24The chopped meat? The meat knew? Because the meat was the boy? The meat, but that, again, that's, no, once it's turned into meat, the kid wouldn't know. At that point, it's just meat, you know. Oh, whoa. That's unreal. I am shaking on my insides. Paul tries to French kiss his mom. from episode 217, Jaws 3D.

33:56Jason Mantzoukas:I almost, I tried to French my mom after watching Love Boat. I've heard this story before. What is happening right now? Is this for the podcast? Are we putting this out into the world? As a little kid, I could. You try to make out your words with your mom. No, French, French, sorry, sorry. I get it though. I mean, I do watch it. I get it because I did the same to many other. I wasn't like 12. I was like a little kid. No, no, no, I get it. I was like watching like the love bud all the time and they were always like open mouth kissing. So I just thought, oh, that must be the next level of kissing.

34:38Right. I can get that. And was she receptive? No. Did she consent enthusiastically? Guys. Oh, God. I feel good to get it off my chest. Oh, man. These are all bangers. This is just book promotion. I don't understand.

35:01Jason Mantzoukas:This category is book promotion. Only one of these stories. And that was the thing that I heard from most people on my book tour. I thought that you would have more stories from the show in your book. And I honestly think only one or two stories that are in the book have been on the show. And when people ask me why, I said, I just forgot. I wasn't trying to check off boxes here. Anyway, I'm going to give this award to somebody else, somebody who deserves it. I'm going to, yeah, I will not take this one. I'm going to open this up, this envelope, and see. The Howdy for Best Paul childhood story goes to...

35:41Jason Mantzoukas:Oh, Paul tries to French kiss his mom from Jaws 3D. Interesting. I got to tell you, I've been trying to get rid of this story. I've been trying to push this one out. This is a tough one. This is, you know, and I put a picture of this. It's been referenced multiple times as well. I put a picture up on my website of me kissing my mom on the lips just to satiate the pervos out there. Wait, wait. That needed to see it. What are you? Wait a minute. What? you gave them you gave them material to back it up? Scott, can you pull up my website paulshir.com and just go to the book section I'll show you because I was done with it just scroll down here there it is, right there oh my god, that's so funny oh that's so funny now it looks like my mom is this looks very passionate So, yeah, I've been trying to live down this story, but here's what I'm going to say.

36:45I love that the website is paulsheer.com slash pervert.

36:48Jason Mantzoukas:Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you get to this. Because I know that all you pervs out there. Here's what I want to say. I am giving this award to everyone who has approached me in silence and whispered in my ear, I did the same thing. I did the same thing. So to them, I see you. Are they saying that they also tried to French kiss their mom or are people just coming up and whispering in your ear? I did the same thing. I did the same thing. What are you talking about? It's more the second, but I assume it's in reference to that. I haven't really clarified. But yeah, I just want to give it to all the people out there who see me and also have had the courage to admit they have French kissed their mom.

37:31Jason Mantzoukas:Jesus. us. Don't go anywhere, folks, because it's almost time for the biggest and final howdy of the night. Best Guest. Ooh, baby, who could it be? Stay tuned.

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40:39Jason Mantzoukas:All right, and now for our final and most prestigious category of the night. Best guest appearance. And the nominees are Nicole Byer and Adam Scott from episode 196, The Meg. But he gets there not understanding anything and has to be introduced to everything that's happening there. But he's got very cool sneakers. Also, I loved that all of the secondary characters were stereotypes. Like the black guy couldn't swim. I know. That was wild. That was crazy. It blew my mind. They acknowledged how racist it was and then just kept doing it. Yeah. Because I think you're in a line. He's like, oh, because I'm black.

41:26But then later, I was like, I can't swim. Oh, a NASA, pull me out. It was so wild. It was crazy. Except in this case, the NASA is a tiny Asian girl. Who's like, shut the fuck up. Jessica St. Clair from episode 204, Holiday in Handcuffs. Yeah, because he's fucking hairless and built and shit. By the way, that is a rule in these shows. Is that your type? Yes, I think he's a Hawaiian guy in high school. Hairless and jacked? Hairless. There's not a hair in his body, and I don't think he's waxing. Oh, I think he's waxing. Seems to me, Jessica, that is unappealing. Have you lost your mind? That is unappealing.

42:08Jason Mantzoukas:You want, like, a Ken doll physique. God, I don't want to know this. My first sexual urge was for ponch. Okay, from chips. And Mario is delivering me ponch, like prime ponch. Oh, God. Please stop saying ponch. Prime ponch. Prime ponch. I do feel like his shirtless scene, though, was a real beefcake moment. That's probably a t-shirt. Prime ponch. Prime ponch. Prime ponch. Prime Punch doesn't sound like what it Just like dripping letters Prime Punch Mario Lopez is a beautiful man Very handsome There's no way around it There's nothing worse I would argue Than snuggling up to a man That has stubble Exactly I don't want to feel like you've groomed more than I have Before a date But that's why I'm so fascinated that you like a hairless man because I, as I said, I want no hair or all the hair in the world.

43:13Wow. Jessica. Charlize Theron and Seth Rogen from episode 212, Hello Mary Lou Prom Night 2. The scene in the bathroom. Yeah. I wanted to give her my Academy Award. It was amazing. Do it.

43:33Jason Mantzoukas:Do it. I'm actually not being funny. I very fairly looked at it and said this is really good work it was good this is really I'm not I'm actually like it is a good fucking moment it was a beautiful it was a one it was a beautiful shot that slowly crept in oh yeah like and then when that lady dies it was crazy because they almost cut her head off with this fucking thing this is the craziest and then they don't and they not only that it looks like they're gonna chop her head off with a paper cutter right? They don't. The cloak goes up and hangs her, then throws her out the window. What are you talking about?

44:16You just succeeded in strangling her with a cloak. Why throw her out the window? No, the best part then is the next cut is them talking about how she killed herself. She hung herself, then threw herself out of a window. Ike Barinholtz from episode 205, Cellular. So he's an L.A.

44:40Jason Mantzoukas:police officer. It's one line. It's one line. When I moved here from England when I was 18, I didn't like it. But now I love it because I'm a cop. Instead, it's like, sorry I'm late. I was on the 405. I got off at Centinella and there was a part. I grew up in Chatsworth, mate. Was he trying to hide it? He was trying to hide it, but he can't. There was a line that I really liked, and I don't remember the full line, but Jason Statham gives Kim Basinger a couple choices, and A was, shut up. A, shut up. Keep your mouth shut, just like Fernando Valenzuela after he left the Dodgers and gave a shitty interview to Bill Plaschke in the LA Times, which I fucking subscribe to.

45:25Which I read every week just for Jonathan Gold's reviews. He's a San Gabriel Valley Chinese restaurant. He's a regional treasure, isn't he?

45:35Jason Mantzoukas:Dim sum is my favorite thing. I'm going for a hike in Griffith Park, I am. Then we're going to Chengdu Palace afterwards. You're going to love it. They got fucking lobsters right in the tank. Did you guys wonder what was going to... I love Jason Statham Angelino. Casey Wilson from episode 219 Drop Dead Fred I liked that this movie Is about this little girl Not being able to experience Loss and grief And all the traumas of childhood And what she feels about her mother I thought her mom was nice Me too Me too

46:21I'm dead Finally Finally I'm not alone Loved her! Loved her!

46:26Jason Mantzoukas:What I would have given for that mother! Wait. What? What are you talking about? That mom was nice! She was nice! Casey, you're my friend! Are you insane? The mom is a sociopath. What? Wait! The mother blames the daughter! She's evil! Who blames the daughter! You're the reason he left! You want to talk about abuse? Let's talk about mom! The mother had been pushed! By what? James Projector Acaster from episode 359 Dream a Little Dream Oh, sorry, the projector moved down We'll fix that in one second Tim just told me to sort the projector Wow He said James Projector James Projector I just said that I regret it for the first time James Projector Are you fucking out of your mind?

47:21I'm not sorting the projector I'm the guest None of this is my responsibility none of this is on me I could shit my pants and walk off and I've done a great job

47:33just so you know when this episode gets released you will be credited as James Projector James Projector holy Christ Tim's getting too big for his britches Tim to not even make a full sentence out of it. You put me in a bad mood for the trailer now, Tim. I might be unnecessarily harsh.

48:01Jason Mantzoukas:Respect our guest, Tim. Respect our guest. Tim is in a full body sweat. That was funny. I do just want the projector back in your goddamn eyes and you can watch the trailer that way, Tim. How's that fun? Everyone can stand behind you and watch it projected on the back of your fucking head.

48:21James Projector, you fucking high.

48:26A whole week in this goddamn city. Everyone talking to me like a piece of shit. I don't need it from you as well.

48:36Wow. Incredible list. This is such a difficult category. I feel like of all of them, this is the one where I'm like, it could go anyway. Yeah. These are all banger guests on banger episodes. This is, these are, I mean, many of these I remember. The Ike episode is famous for the Jason Statham Angelino bit.

49:00Jason Mantzoukas:Now, I do want to say, I want to give a shout out to my friend Sean at Trek Bikes, because I was recently purchasing a bike at Trek. And Sean. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's happening right now? Well, my friend Sean. Are we doing an in Howdy episode ad for Trek? By the way. I think what I'm realizing is like, I knew we must have had some giant sponsor making these Howdy's or like underwriting them because they're so big. Are they made out of gold? They are made out of solid gold. Yeah, they're heavy. And is Trek manufacturing them? Because that makes sense as to why there are bicycle chains as part of the decorative feature.

49:42Jason Mantzoukas:Yeah. And then obviously, you know, the Best Audience Award, that's more of a mountain biking award. and we have that. But it was so funny because I was at the Trek bike store chatting with this gentleman, Sean, and he said to me, he goes, I quote Jason Statham, Angeleno, at least once a week. Wow. And I was like this. I said, you've made my day. I just love that that is like a bit like that. I love a deep dive bit. That's also a bit. That's a funny bit that anyone can do. Yes. Because all you need to do is a barely passable Statham and then just LA specifics. It's really, really great. I love it so much.

50:27Jason Mantzoukas:I do want to say that I love all of our guests. They are absolutely fantastic. And whoever wins this award, you're all winners. They're all winners. I love that this, our final award, finally, there is some international input. We have James Acaster here. So we have a nominee from outside of the United States, which I think is fantastic. Jason Charlize is not. Oh, Charlize as well. Yeah. Forgive me. You're absolutely right. Adam Scott, resident of Norway, I believe. He's not talking about that. Yeah. No. I mean, he will be when he runs for prime minister. All right, everybody. Let's see the howdy for best guest appearance goes to Jessica St.

51:17Jason Mantzoukas:Claire. Jess, obviously, uh, you know, if there was a fourth member of the show, it would be Jess. She's been on the show more times than, uh, than not. Uh, and, uh, you know what? I think that tonight would only be fair to give Jess the microphone. I mean, Ooh, hang on. If, if she's going to come on, then I'm just going to tell everybody in the audience to turn your volume down. How did this get made? It's Jessica. Thank you so much for this award. It means so much to me. I have to tell you, me being on stage with you guys, cheering in the audience and dressing up like maniacs and screaming at Jason is one of the highlights of my life.

52:03There is no better fan than a How Did This Get Made fan. And listen, have I had to spend, you know, hundreds of thousands of dollars in therapy to erase some of the memories that I've made while watching these horrific films? Yes, but every dollar has been worth it because I've got to spend it with you guys. And I can't wait to watch some more trash can fires and women who want to fuck their own dogs. And, you know, who knows? It's exciting. But thank you so much. I love you.

52:39Jason Mantzoukas:All right. Jess, the best. The absolute best. She deserves it. Again, it could have gone anyway, but I'm happy. I will say she's done so much incredible work on the front lines of this show. So that being said, it can't be understated that Casey Wilson had physical injury done to her vocal cords after the Drop Dead Fred episode. And I think that should be acknowledged because she really put her body, her health, her well-being and her body on the line to fight for a absolute fraudulent point of view. OK, but hold on, Jason. Here's the thing. Casey was unavailable to make a video. So that's why.

53:26I've actually been quite scared that we're going to get a bill from Casey's like vocal node surgeries.

53:32Jason Mantzoukas:She can't prove it. Now, let me tell you this, everybody. What a show. By the way, I'll just take this Jessica one just to get out of the way. This is ridiculous. I just want to say this is ridiculous. Then I'm going home empty handed once again. It's fine. I don't know why I expected it to be different. Shame on me. Can I say something, though? there's a lot of actors like we, you know, look at who have never won any Oscars and stuff. And it's like, in some ways they're even more intriguing to us. Yeah. Interesting. You know, in some way, like in some ways we value their work a little bit more.

54:04So I'm like a Susan Lucci. I'm a Susan Lucci.

54:07Jason Mantzoukas:Susan actually did win. She eventually won. Yeah. I would say you're more like a Tom Cruise. Oh, wow. Okay. You know, you're putting your life out there. Oh, I'm like, yes, I'm putting myself on the line. Every show, every show I do is a stunt. Yeah. It's a life endangering stunt. Yeah, but it's like, you know, it's kind of cool. Like, just try to reframe it that way. Well, you know, and I will take this June. Sadly, I don't I don't think you walked. Well, I guess I'll share an award with you tonight. And, you know, there's so many people to thank. Our producers, Scott Sonny, Molly Reynolds. Wait a second.

54:45So I did take a howdy before for my June, you know, savage. Just like, it looks like you took it back.

54:52Jason Mantzoukas:Well, we're sharing it, right? I thought we agreed to share it. Yeah, but when did you come down here to my office in the middle of this recording and take it back? I'm holding on to it. I'm holding on to it. Just because I don't want you to lose it. This is infuriating. God. Thank you to our... Yes, what? Yes. What? No, no. Go ahead. Please do the outro. Please do the outro. Yeah. I'm so sorry that you both weren't able to walk away with any awards. Like I said, thank you from the bottom of Morgan's heart. Thank you from the bottom of Jess's heart. I'm going to take both of theirs and we'll make sure that we get them to them for the next howdy.

55:25I'll see Jessica tomorrow. I can give her that one.

55:27Jason Mantzoukas:No. No. All right. Thank you to our producer, Scott Sonny, Molly Reynolds, our audio engineer, Casey Holford, our intern, Quinn Jennings, who helped us pull a lot of these clips, and our social media manager, Zoe Applebaum. How nice would it be to give one of them a howdy? Yeah, they all deserve a howdy. They all, you know what? Why don't I give them your howdy, June? I'm going to give June's howdy. That's a beautiful, beautiful thing. You take June's howdy. You all share it amongst yourselves. I want to say, and we've talked. Yes. Paul, did you already have that chain made? The one that you've clipped into a howdy that you wear around your neck now?

56:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.

56:06Jason Mantzoukas:I had it made just in case. Just in case. Wow, okay. They're so big, too. It's, you know, look, what a gift to give, you know, me these awards. I thank you both. You know, I do want to say as we look back on these these years that we have done this show and it's been a long time. We do owe a lot of these classic moments that you've heard in this episode to Averill Halley, who will forever be a part of the show's DNA and her selections of these films that got us to these places. We are, you know, always keeping her in our thoughts and minds anyway. Oh, I think it can't be overstated that I think without Avril's help, we would not still be doing a third annual Howdy 15 years in.

56:53Jason Mantzoukas:I believe that many times I tried to get Avril on board to help find some of these clips, and she politely and rightly said no. Incredible. The best decision she's ever made. That's really her legacy. She was an essential part of the DNA of this show, like you said, Paul. and will be forever missed. Well, we love you, Averill, and we love all of you listeners for making this show worth doing for the last 15 years and counting. And you know what? Because of you all, we will not wait another nine years between howdies. That is a wrap on this year's howdies. But you know what? I'm sure we missed a few things, and we'll give you your chance to tell us what we missed next week on Last Looks as we also revisit another film that we haven't had a chance to hear your thoughts on, and that is My Secret Santa.

57:42Jason Mantzoukas:So get your corrections and omissions in for both of these episodes next week and bye for now. This concludes the third annual How Did This Get Made? Howdy Awards. Remember, to see the photo of young Paul kissing his mom, just go to paulshear.com slash pervert. Again, that's paulshear.com slash pervert. Thanks for listening, you jerks.

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