The Quest w/ Jon Gabrus (Classic)

20:41Jason Mantzoukas:Four six-packs and$80, whatever you want. and then like characters that are straight up out of the warriors walk in that's a great 90s movie trope though is that the bad guys cause they didn't want to make them all black or all latino in those gangs where it's just like one of each race and they all dress like cyber punks that's in like every movie the most threatening they are is a switchblade yeah they always have a switchblade come on old man give us the money and they come in a fraction of a second after Jean-Claude Van Damme does in an empty bar that doesn't seem like, by the way, even if they took the till of that bar, what are they taking?

21:19Like 25 bucks? Yeah, max. Why don't I put a little bit of whiskey in that coffee, huh? I was like, who the fuck is this actor? He's like looking down the barrel saying, what?

21:31Jason Mantzoukas:Not fair to Irish people in this movie either, because he's a little Irish in that movie, and the cops are super Irish. That whole, I mean, I don't want to keep powering for it, but after this scene where we see old Van Damme, we see the other Van Damme that he always wanted to be. French clown Van Damme? French clown Van Damme, yeah. Arlequino Van Damme. That was, when I was, I remember seeing this when I was a kid. First of all, this came out the same year as Bloodsport 2. How fucking weird is that? They both came out the same year. And he's not in Bloodsport 2. He's not in Bloodsport 2. This is like a spiritual sequel.

22:03It's the 10 Cloverfield Lane. And that broke, that's broke my heart. I saw this one in the theaters. Bloodsport, I watch on VHS. I saw this in the theaters. And when my fucking idol, the muscles from Brussels, this guy is such a bit. When he shows up in clown makeup and like fucking period gear. It's 1925. And he's on stilts? He's wearing like a newsy cap and has like French clown, like a Marcel Marceau face. Yes, like a mime face. And then he stands up and he is on stilts. And I just about lost my mind. It's just, he so clearly wanted to do that.

22:34Jason Mantzoukas:But also doing a joke too because I feel like when he was sitting down, he's getting his shoes shined. but to be on stealth. Yeah. Like I feel like in his mind, it's a joke. He also is the leader of a gang of street children? He's like Fagan. He's a bad guy, right? Does he think he is a child? Well, I want to get into his journey for the entire movie. And this is why I was really baffled. Okay. And this is jumping ahead a little bit. Please. But when we find out that his mother died and I guess sent him to America with a governess who I think then just abandoned him on the street. She gives him a note and walks away.

23:15She's like, you wait right here. I'll be right back, gonzo. But did anyone else, are we supposed to believe that what she read was not actually in the note? Because he picks it up. He picks the note up. I thought he would at some point pull the note out of his pocket or something. At this moment, we should also probably say that none of this ever comes into play in the film whatsoever. This flashback is exclusively for Van Damme to work out mom shit. That's what's so strange is that you have no idea why. I don't know what he's after for the entire movie. I really don't. I don't know. And again, maybe it was in the 15 minutes I missed.

23:46It keeps on changing. Yeah. I don't know if he does really want to go back to America to be with the street children. I mean, is that it? Yeah. I think he wants to go back to America to rescue the street kids. But he does leave them for a couple of years. Oh, easily. But this is at a time where years meant nothing.

24:04Jason Mantzoukas:But here's my question. He seems to be the leader of a child gang. Correct. Like Fagan, like, go out and rob the rich and bring it back to us. Yes. And that, to me, seems like he's a bad dude. No, he's not a bad dude. No, that's like a—he's selling himself as a little bit of a Robin Hood situation, I think. And he's stealing from, like, the mob. Yeah, he's stealing from, like, bad guys or whoever. Yeah, so Robin—can we listen to Jean-Claude Van Damme talk to children? Well, I don't think you can criminalize street children anyway. I mean, even if they were just stealing from. Wait a second. So you.

24:34Because what you're implying is that like even Fagan and the street children and Oliver are bad somehow.

24:40Jason Mantzoukas:Well, I think Fagan is bad. OK. You don't think Fagan is bad? I don't really remember Fagan. I just remember. I feel like Fagan's like, hey, kids, work for me and I'll give you some food and stuff like that. But we'll steal money. OK. I feel like that's what he's doing. At what age does a criminal does a child become a legitimate criminal, June? 18. 18. Up until 18, kids can do whatever they want. Street kids, specifically street kids. If you have a house. Urchins. Your urchins, your newsies. They can do whatever they want. So they're free will. Your hoodlums. Your no good nicks. Your vagrants.

25:15Jason Mantzoukas:Your hobos. How about your drive turkeys? When they're tried as adults and not juvies. Okay, so juvies. Now, what we have not realized about June, yes, I have a lack of flexibility, but June also was a juvie. She went to, how many years did you do a juvie? A few, a few. So you believe that as long as these kids aren't criminals because they're only being told by Jean. Jean-Claude's the criminal. I don't think he's a criminal. I don't know why you're saying any of them are criminals. He's trying to feed children. Wait a second. He fights police. He, like, kicks a policeman in the face. Okay, that police force, by the way, was opening up fire with machine guns on children.

25:54Jason Mantzoukas:That was the mob. That was the mob boss. By the way, I want to talk about that. The police are the ones like, all right, Dubois, get down off those things. Why everybody knows Chris Dubois? They're all Officer Crumpkeys, right? They're all like, listen to the Irish cops. This is here, their voices. They're pretty great. Dubois, I want you and your kids off the street. I mean it, Dubois. This is it. So that's a little taste of like what their voices are like. But he, he. I don't want to get into like police politics here. But I do feel like for them to say, I don't think this is the place or the time, but to say get your kids off the street, I mean, where should they go?

26:36What resources and services are available?

26:38Jason Mantzoukas:He's clearly a criminal that's running a child criminal. He's doing like a distraction for them to pickpocket people, right? And I think that's what. They're stealing from the mob and they're getting food. But it doesn't make a difference what they're doing with the money. They're still stealing it. Okay, well, show me the social services that are available to them. This is pre-New Deal. This is pre-New Deal. This is pre-New Deal, so there's not a lot of social services. So there's not a lot going on. So it's okay to steal. I believe, and I might be wrong, but I think that all of these boys that he's running with eventually mate with all of the girls that are in Annie.

27:15Jason Mantzoukas:Yes, yes. And by the way, I do want to be fair. If you are listening to the podcast, you should know, and we put this disclaimer here, that June does run an organized group of children to do her bidding and kind of stealing. and so on. And because she knows that legally they cannot be held responsible for anything they do until they are 18. They shouldn't be and they shouldn't be. What's the oldest person in your group? You remember, by the way, when we were watching this scene, I said, if a child gets hurt here, I will have to leave the room and stop watching the movie. I mean, I felt so deeply for those little street urchins.

27:49Well, lucky for you, nothing in this film has consequences. That's true. Like literally,

27:53Jason Mantzoukas:let's listen to JCVD talk to kids. This is a great speech. So they just come and they rob the mob And here we go. Did I tell you what? We're rich. With this, we buy respect. If we want something, we take it forever and ever. These are not good lifelikes. I'm just realizing something right now. That's also not how money works. I think, and I hear now in this speech why you think he's a bad guy. Yeah. But I do think what must have happened was that governess or whoever that was left him. He was a street kid. probably had his own gang. And those kids that he came up with, who knows what happened to them.

28:33And he just stayed within the community of street urchins.

28:36Jason Mantzoukas:And he like rose to the top as a bad guy. As a 38-year-old. He's not young in this movie either. Like, what is going on? Like, is he dating from this pool of children? Like, what's going on? And he's basically saying, now we have money, and now whatever we want, we're going to take. Not buy. If we see something, we'll take it. This buys us respect. That's not how it works. And then he goes, forever and ever. These poor kids are being so misled. That's a bag with like$9 ,000 in it. Which in the 20s, that's a lot of money. But that's not in perpetuity. They're not investing that. And there's like about 30 kids in there.

29:16Show me their road to opportunity. I don't know where it is. I guarantee every single one of these kids is on opium by the end of the movie. Like in the two years that he's away, they are all dead from opium. That's what's – like you said you fell asleep for 15 minutes. I did not, but I thought I did because I kept going like, wait a minute. How did he get to this island? That's what I wrote. What about the kids? And I kept like going like, does he revisit America? I rewound it. They also keep giving us like time markers. Like when Roger Moore says to him, okay, there's going to be a boat to take you back to America in a month.

29:52The next cut is six months later. And it's not even to Van Damme. The cut, you never see. They're like, now we're pushing ahead, but they're like, he's become a Muay Thai master. I'm like, we saw him carry bamboo and then cut six months later. And he's like, you're the best fighter we've ever had.

30:09Jason Mantzoukas:And here's the other problem with it. The movie opens after the old man image. It opens with these scrolls being delivered all around the world. Love. By the way, loved this. The scrolls in the beginning. My favorite is James Remar gets his scroll, inviting him to the match, and has to open it while wearing boxing gloves. And the way that they deliver these messages, it's kind of great. There's a dinner theater fighting experience where people are in suits. The French guy in suspenders. It's amazing. But everyone gets delivered these scrolls. And then I'm assuming, because it's like scroll, scroll, scroll, that when we see Jean-Claude Van Damme, all of a sudden he's going to have this run with the cops.

30:47Jason Mantzoukas:And then someone's going to be like, here's a scroll. No. No. Then he has a whole plot. He goes on a boat. Let's say conservatively he's on that boat for at least a month, maybe two months. Oh, much more than that. They go to Thailand. Right. Okay, from New York to Thailand. From New York to New York City. He stows away on a boat, becomes a boat slave. Yes. For months. So, okay, so let's say conservatively three months. All right, conservatively. All right. You're saying conservatively? Yeah, conservatively. Paul, as you pointed out, on that boat, he's just simply moving like. Oh. Why is he moving Especially That's clearly more than a month into the boat ride They're like you know what let's get those It might rain today We gotta bring those bags downstairs Why?

31:33They're running guns from New York Under the auspices that it's grains From New York And that's the other crazy thing is Van Damme They're like a 10 year old kid Goes to Van Damme who just got shot Who was shot by a gangster Who by the way took a great bullet It was a real kid The reason he got caught was he was looking through They were arguing Van Damme And then he just shoves the boxes he's standing behind It's not like a cliche where a cat makes a noise He just shoves the boxes The guy turns, shoots a child And then the kid is hurt and he goes Fuck it, you gotta run The mob is gonna get you The mob doesn't kill kids because they're the mob?

32:11And also it's like

32:12Jason Mantzoukas:They're gonna blame you But there's mafia dudes all around There's like machine guns that they're holding. It doesn't make any sense. And then he just gets on a boat and leaves these kids that all he cares about is taking care of them. And conservatively, how long do you say he's on that boat? Conservatively? Yeah. See, I'm going to go liberally three and a half months. Liberally. Liberally three and a half months. I do want to talk about all this. I'm just going to say just for the timeline argument. I'm going to say independently. Yeah. Like four months. Greenish. Matter of factly, how long do you think he's on that boat?

32:44I don't know. I honestly thought it could have been years. Okay. I had no idea. Years on the boat? Now we know when you fell asleep. I didn't know. The whole marking of time in this movie was insane to me.

32:59Jason Mantzoukas:So he's on this boat for a number of months. He then goes to Muay Thai Island for six months. We know that. No. He's there longer than six months. There's just a six-month jump. Oh, okay. To Roger Moore. He doesn't leave immediately after that. He's still there, I think, for some period of time. So, like, at least say we can argue that a year has passed from when the scrolls were delivered to when the fight begins. At least. At least. And there seems to be, like, it seems to be like you got this. It took James Remar a year to get there? Yeah. It took the fucking fencer guy a year to get there?

33:33Jason Mantzoukas:It's not like they send those scrolls out, like, hey, in two years, come to the special fight. I guess it's like a wedding invitation. Yeah. It sounds a shame. It's a save the date scroll. The other thing about this movie There's not a better thing For me as an action movie fan There's not a better thing than like Look at all these different types Like Bloodsport doing it literally the best Of like Monkey Man, Sumo Wrestler Guy These are such watered down Versions of these badasses That they try to make a fat Man standing up out of a hot tub Seem intense Like his tits bounce and it's like And he's like Japan And it's like, wait a minute, that guy looks just like me.

34:14Like, I have the same exact body as that guy. And they're saying like, oh, fuck. Oh, he's terrifying.

34:20Jason Mantzoukas:I mean, basically they go to, I mean, the whole movie revolves around a stereotype fight. It's like, what stereotype from what country can we get away with? Like the Spanish guy who's doing the flamenco? That's not a martial art. All his moves are flamenco based. It's crazy. He's doing spin kicks, not flamenco style. But he does stand with one arm. No, it's not. Also, what this movie posits is that every single country has its own unique fighting style. You know what I mean? So that like Japan is represented by sumo. Brazil is represented by the capoeira. Like Thailand is represented by Muay Thai.

34:53Like every whatever. And then there's like a British fencer. And he gets the scroll and they're like, oh, P.S., you can't use a sword. So I hope you can translate fencing, which is literally not dangerous at all. I hope you can translate to that to bare knuckle fist fighting. Hardcore fist fighting.

35:09Jason Mantzoukas:And then just, I mean, we're going out of order, but who cares? There's like the guy who he trains with on Muay Thai Island, who he doesn't seem to have a great relationship with. They don't really even show him a Mr. Miyagi relationship, which is, again, he's taken out all the things that make Bloodsport interesting. He literally - You never see him train unless I was asleep. No, that's when I thought I fell asleep because I literally was like, okay, they're just at Hobbs, Lord Hobbs playing, you know. They must have just needed to get more Roger Moore screen time. By the way, Roger Moore, amazing in this movie.

35:39Jason Mantzoukas:I am a big fan of him. I mean, he's great in everything. And another opportunity for him to pronounce the name Smith as Smythe. Right. I have to ask, did you notice a difference between, I mean, I don't know Muay Thai that well, but I felt like I never saw a difference in the way he was fighting. No. That's what's crazy. is, and the other crazy thing is that Hobbes says, he's the best fighter I've ever seen, and he watched him do 30 seconds of his hands chained together, choking a guy on a boat while there was a gunfight going on. He's like, we're gonna sell him for big bucks. It's like, where the fuck did you get that idea from?

36:17And why would you sell

36:18Jason Mantzoukas:a guy who's a fighter to an island full of fighters? Like, we don't need any... Oh, I think he was basically sold him onto Muay Thai Island to be like, Like, this guy's a fighter. You can use him. You can. For what purpose? I think they were just trying to get some bucks off him. They're trying to get some bucks. That's what made no sense. But then the guy he sold him to on the Muay Thai Island, and again, maybe I was asleep, but it seemed like he felt he got, you know, the raw end of the bargain. Yes. But why? That's what I can understand. I think because it appeared in the beginning like he thought maybe he'd paid too much for JCPT.

36:56He said about Jean-Claude Van Damme, he's like, if he loses in the first round, this is not an investment. Exactly. But that makes – there's so much shit. This whole part – they show him twice on Muay Thai Island, once carrying bamboo sticks, watching guys kicking on the beach. And then they show him defend a kid from being bullied. That's the only time they show him on the island. There's no training sequence. How does this not have a moment where he's doing splints or learning Muay Thai? That's the biggest and best trope from these movies. He's just training montage. Yes. My problem with this movie, and again, maybe I was asleep, you know, during some important parts.

37:31Jason Mantzoukas:I will tell you when you were asleep, just by the way. Okay, fine. But it felt to me like I never, you know, he was sold as a slave, it seems almost twice. Once to the guy. Yes, and then back to. Well, he wasn't sold the first time. He was just a slave on the boat because he was a slave on the boat. He was a slave on the boat. And then he was like a fighter slave to the guy in the Muay Thai Island. MTI. Yes, but it seems like, wow, if I was in that position, I would revolt against fighting. I would feel like fighting to me is being a slave. Because he's really being trained as a slave on that island.

38:06But fighting, I think, is his only way out. But wouldn't you make the argument that if you're making a movie— Otherwise, you're just going to be like moving bamboo forever. But then he cares so much about fighting the rest of the movie, and I couldn't understand—

38:20Jason Mantzoukas:To get the gold dragon to free the kids, right? The motivation makes no sense. He's like, once I get this gold dragon, I split the money with this guy who's already sold me into slavery. Yes. Who is untrustworthy. And then I can take that money and bring it back to the kids who have all definitely been killed at this point. And at this point, we're saying it's at least nine months, if not more. Right. Conservatively. Conservatively. But this is what's even weirder is, okay, so James Bond, Roger Moore, sells JCVD to the guy on MTI, Muay Thai Island. Okay? Disappears. Six months later, Roger Moore comes back, and he's like, oh, look, you're still here.

38:55Ha, ha, ha.

38:55Jason Mantzoukas:Oh, no, I think six months later in Bangkok. Bangkok, Bangkok. Sorry, sorry, sorry. He doesn't even expect to see him. But because JCVD is now just like fighting normal fights, I guess. But then JCVD comes to Roger Moore and is like, this is where I got confused. He's like, do you know about the Lost City and this big secret fight? That whole exchange is like a who's on first. Yes. It's like Lost City, Lost City, Golden Dragon, Golden Dragon. It's like, this is a fucking comedy sketch. And it's like all exposition, and it basically sets up the point of the movie, which we are like conservatively one hour in now.

39:33Dude, they set this up. They do the scrolls thing, then do seven minutes, 17 minutes of Van Damme backstory, and then they're like, all right, remember that scroll thing? Now it's coming in a bus. Why would he ever want to partner up with his previous owner? I know, right? I mean, that's what it's so bad for. Because he has no options.

39:50Jason Mantzoukas:That's that slave mentality. He has no options. That's like that you get in that zone. What does it call it? The syndrome? Stockholm syndrome. Stockholm syndrome. But then he goes so far as to even free them when they're enslaved later in the movie. There's something so weird here because my gut would be, just simplify it. He's a guy who gets in trouble with the law, falls in the boat, has no martial arts training, goes to Muay Thai Island, becomes an amazing fighter, and then fights. and then fights as the representative of Muay Thai Island. Because they've given him an identity, and then he's able to win the Golden Dragon and bring it back to the kids.

40:24I'm a new man, I learned martial arts. And free all of Muay Thai Island, then go and free all of the kids. He frees everyone. Instead, he's just like the pawn of con men, basically. So you think everyone on Muay Thai Island is a slave? I think they want to be there. They sound like they're a revolutionary group, and that's why they buy the guns. Oh, that's true.

40:43Jason Mantzoukas:I think they're trying to do a coup. But then why does the owner of Muay Thai Island go when he finds out that JCVD is going to fight in the big tournament? He's like, oh, why would you do that after all this training I just gave you? But then you cut to the big fight tournament, and he's got his own guy there, too. He's like, well, fuck it. I mean, you know, I'm going to get, I'm a man. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, for me, summer is tricky. Travel's picking up. Kids are out of school. There's adventure on the horizon, but there's also just normal things to do. I mean, summer demands are tough and it can make you feel overwhelmed and you're just kind of sometimes counting down the minutes until the kids are back in school.

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41:53Jason Mantzoukas:Feel confident knowing BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. You don't have to say yes to everything this summer. Find support in therapy. Sign up and get 10 % off at BetterHelp.com slash bonkers. That's BetterHelp.com slash bonkers. Hi, I'm Jenny Slate. And believe it or not, someone is allowing us to have a podcast. I'm Gabe Liebman. I'm Max Silvestri. And we've been friends for 20 years and we like to reach out to kind of get advice on how to live our lives. It's called I Need You Guys. Should I give my baby fresh vegetables? Can I drink the water at the hospital?

42:30Jason Mantzoukas:My landlord plays the trombone and I can't ask him to stop. You should make sure that you subscribe so that you never miss an episode. I need you, girl.

43:09Yeah! Get the Disney Plus Hulu HBO Max Bundle today. All of these and more streaming soon. Plans starting at$19.99 a month. Terms apply. Visit Disney Plus Hulu Max Bundle dot com for details. The other thing this movie's missing is, how is he a good fighter? All we see is that he's a street performer, and then he's like a total... And then everybody, James Remar, everybody is like, he's literally the best fighter I've ever seen. He gets... Always after like two small demonstrations of fighting. The James Remar scene you're talking about is, a boxer squares up. Van Damme kicks him in the leg and he goes, that's the best fighter I've ever been involved.

43:43And he literally steps aside. He is also James Remar. This is where June fell asleep. James Remar. He puts his life on the line. Yes. He basically, James Remar, who has been invited to the top secret Lost City fight. He's gotten a scroll because he's the heavyweight champion of the world. Yeah, he's the best pop.

44:02Jason Mantzoukas:By the way, James Remar is amazing in this movie. I want to play this scene. So basically, James Remar gets one kick and he's like, I'm out of here. and he runs away into the desert. Just to make sure if people don't know, James Remar. Dexter's dad. Oh, Dexter's dad. I know him as Richard, Samantha's boyfriend on... The billionaire. On Sex and the City. If you don't think I have the Sex and the City box set, I do. The one that comes in Lucite with a heel on it? But what's worse, you're married, I'm not. Yeah, fair enough. But the show came out when I was like 17. Let's listen to... This is the craziest moment because basically they steal James Remar's invite.

44:39Jason Mantzoukas:And again, like... His identity, arguably. You're like pretending to be him. Exactly. This is a piece of information I needed. Yeah, this is where you felt sick. Now it all locks in. So basically, what if you were like, oh, that makes entirely... Everything's lined up. So now, take a listen to this. This is the craziest, in my opinion, the craziest thing in the movie because now JCVD is like, I am Maxie. I am the American heavyweight champion of the world. And then this happens. Maxi Devine of America He stands up That's me Oh, then James Ramar walks in Maxi Devine, heavyweight champion of the world This man is a better fighter than me And as the former heavyweight champion I turn my title over to him And he's carrying a belt on him Yes This here's your man, Christopher Dubois Dubois will be granted a chance to prove if he is a worthy combatant in the first round.

45:36If not, this is the crisis. Maxi Divine shall pay the penalty and never leave the lost city. What? What the fuck? All right, so that's good. If I'm Tupac in that moment, I go, you know what? That seems like too much pressure. Maxi, you just fight. Just JK, I will fight. Why does Maxi give up his own title, though? Just out of love of respect. Out of respect, because he lost. They sort of justify it in the next line. And he goes, I want to see the American flag flying at the end of this tournament. So what he means is he just wants America to win. America as represented by Jean-Claude Van Damme, who is definitively not American.

46:13And not fighting in an American style.

46:15Jason Mantzoukas:Right, right. The thing about it is that he, what they're not saying is that Remar is like, oh, I didn't know you're allowed to kick in this thing. I'm going to be fucked. I normally just box. I wear gloves. I'm 50. I'm like maybe conservatively 49 years old. 49 years old, I am the heavyweight champion of the world, but a maximum 175, 5 '8". And no definition really either. But that is, to be fair, that's the 20s pugilist style, pull the waistband up above your tits. I have a lot. June? Okay, sorry, go ahead. Well, my issue was also, and then we can go to June too, was that the judge was so loosey-goosey.

46:54Jason Mantzoukas:He was like, okay, yeah, sure. And then later they changed the rules again. He was like, okay. They're constantly changing the rules of this ancient tournament just to make it easier for JCVD to compete and win. I wish he was like, I sent all these monks. I taught them English. I taught them how to travel around the world to deliver these scrolls. And now people are just wandering into my tournament. And you fucks from America think you can just, like, let somebody else fight in your stead? Well, screw you. That would be, like, the equivalent of, like, in this March Madness right now. Like, if just, like, a community college was like, hey, we kind of want to play.

47:27Jason Mantzoukas:I think we're pretty good. We'd love to play. and they're like, yeah, all right, get in here. No, it would be like if a community college randomly in one game beat Duke. And Duke was like, you know what? Put them in the Final Four, not us. No, beat them in a game of horse. We want to keep this analogy going. Two guys, two street ballers beat Duke in a game of horse. Duke goes to the NCAA and goes, I can't do this. Put them in. Put them in the Final Four. They're the best team we've ever seen. We will step down. Here's my question, though. At one point, doesn't Jean-Claude Van Damme, isn't he conspiring to just steal the golden horse?

48:04Yes, right. That's Roger Moore and Jack McGee's plan. That's their plan. That's their plan. But isn't he complicit with that? That he is, yes, that he's kind of along for the ride on it. I had trouble with that. No, I think he thinks he's going to win it. Yes. He thinks he's going to win it legally because that's the prize. Well, no, he does. I don't know that he does because until James Remar lets him perform. He's still a slave to them also. Yes. But when they are pretending to be James Remar's valet and whatever, Jean-Claude Van Damme doesn't think he's going to get to fight. Oh. No, because I thought their plan was to steal Remar's identity so he could fight.

48:38Jason Mantzoukas:No, but then Roger Moore goes, when he's busy thinking about fighting, we'll steal. Because I don't think they can steal Maxi's. By the way, they're trying to steal a fucking. Why did they call him Maxi? They're trying to steal a giant fucking... It would be the... I mean, I'm trying to think of how big this dragon is. It's the size of the bull down by Wall Street. Solid gold. Solid gold. And we got to talk about the Nazi blimp. How will they get it out of there? We got to talk about the blimp. Well, you had a question for June, which I know... We will get to it. We're not there yet. And I think it's going to be a real...

49:16We'll see how it goes.

49:17Jason Mantzoukas:To me, I felt like stealing that thing was a flawed idea because they're in a lost city with practically an unmovable, undisguisable object. You can't just get out of town with. And that they have to put on a boat, right? That's the only thing that they can get it out of there on. And I don't know how you add three tons of gold to a boat and still get it back to the States or London or wherever the fuck they're from. First you have to put it on a horse. Then you have to put it on an elephant. Then you have to put it on a fucking boat. And none of them like riding elephants. Well, the other thing.

49:47You know that.

49:48Jason Mantzoukas:Although JCVD did write an elephant to the premiere. Oh my God, amazing. I have pictures of it and I will put them up. By the way, this is a movie, this I think maybe speaks to your PG-13 problem, is where multiple characters refer to their butts and their buns as rumps. Like two different characters are like, oh, my rump is sore. And I was like, what? That felt to me like a translation issue. Like that's like what Jean-Claude Van Damme calls his butt, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Another great moment is when, now we're jumping back a little bit, but when he is chained up and the slaver who enslaved him is going to kill him now because they're arriving at the island.

50:30It's like, you have a slave that's working for you. You could sell him too. Oh, yeah. Or keep him for the next run. Right, exactly. But instead you're going to kill him. He's handcuffed in a bicep pose. Like, he's handcuffed in a double bicep pose where it's over the gate and he's just standing there flexing. His arms are huge. And he allegedly has no fight training or something like that. He's been just a street performer. And he's not even a street performer. Like, why wasn't he an acrobat or something that would justify why he's flexible and insanely ripped? Yeah. No, he's a street clown who happens to be.

51:03Well, I will say this. I do think it takes some physical ability to get on those skills. I will say this. Like, if shit goes down. I do. If shit goes down, what I am going to do is I am going to round up as many clowns and acrobats as I can. And because those are going to be the best fighters. You know what, look. Like, that's where it's at. You're probably onto something. My army is an army of clowns.

51:21Jason Mantzoukas:Mr. Miyagi taught painters and car waxers how to be the best karate people. I have to say, I was bummed in that opening sequence that they didn't play that out a bit longer, him on stilts. His clowning? Well, just him fighting on stilts. Sure. You would like to have seen him do more clowning, too. Well, look, I— You're a theater buff. What is— June does, like, legit like clowning. I do like clowning, but I also— Of course. But I also wanted to see— I mean, it is fascinating, these people who walk around on stilts. It is? I think so. You're talking about a movie in which a— Well, you know they don't do it in real life.

51:52They just do it as a performative thing. No, they're always in their stilts. I like that this is a movie about an ancient fighting tournament where people from all over the world fight each other to death. And you're like, it is pretty interesting that people walk on stilts. I was watching them. I'm like, wow, that's a crazy thing that people do. When I was a kid— It's very high up. When I was a kid, I had an— It's very high. I love that. When I was a kid, I had an idea for a restaurant where all the tables were like 15 feet in the air and all the seats were lifeguard chairs. And all the waiters were on stilts.

52:24Fun, Jason.

52:25Jason Mantzoukas:Don't say that out loud. Now you've just given up that amazing idea. Put it out there. I just wonder, like, I mean, I guess you guys aren't that interested in it, but at what point do you get on stilts? Because it seems to me one of those skills where it's just like one day you're on them. Do you think those people have spent their whole lives being like, I need to be up there? I need to be up there in stilts as an opportunity? I think it's similar to being a very small person in this world, a little person, where you're more vulnerable when you're up there. Wow. I feel like it's a kid whose dad didn't put him on his shoulders at a parade or something like that.

53:02So now he insists to never miss it. No one will ever stand in front of me again. Let me give you a counter argument. I think these stilt fucks want to look down on us. I think they want to be up there looking down on us thinking they're better than us, these fucking giant stilt monsters. I think, honestly, if a performer's on stilts and they see anyone in this room, they look at us and go, God, I wish my career was more in fucking line. Why am I a stilt walker for fuck's sake?

53:27Jason Mantzoukas:To me, stilts are what hipsters are to people before us. Because people on big bicycles and stuff like that, I just want to be seen as different and odd. I'm wearing stilts. I'm riding a big bicycle with one big wheel and one small. I just want to be weird. I'm like, I'm like, I'm. I ride on a typewriter at the coffee shop. I definitely think stilts. I think there's a performance art to what they do. Well, then I think it would have been great that in the last fight, he would be like, bring me my stilts. Yeah. And then he fought on stilts. There was just so much more fun to be had with him on stilts, fighting and jumping over things.

54:02Well, that was a fun little scene. And using his stilts to, I mean. Or seeing him. He hopped off of them so quickly. Or doing clowning or some sort of arbitrary scene when he's in Bangkok where he grabs two tent poles and kind of like improvise stilts. Like nothing of that pays off. Or like a little kid is crying and he clowns for him or something. None of his clown training comes into play at all. He's not a good clown. But I think what we're supposed to believe from this movie is that the clown training set him up to be a pretty decent fighter. Because he kind of like does parkour to get away from those guys.

54:32Oh, this is what I think. And I'm like, this is fucking insane. Why can't we just show him fighting? This is what I think. I think, controversially, I think he is not a clown. I don't think he has clown training. I think that is the front he uses as a criminal mastermind of a children's gang. I agree. I'm kind of with you. And that's why the cops know who he is, and that's why the mob knows who he is. They don't know him as the guy who's the clown. They know him as, like, a thief.

54:58Jason Mantzoukas:No, I would argue that they know him because it's so fucking obvious. Like, oh, yeah, we don't like the clown because he's the one always stealing from us. Like, you can't blend in. It's arguably the one thing that you can't come work for me. I think you can't discredit the fact, though, that he did learn how to get on stilt. Right, that's what I was about to say. He still has the skill set regardless. I think that makes you both right. He's doing it under criminal auspices, but he does have the talent. He does have the talent to back it up. If he just knew that there were stilt fans in the world like you, he would have never had to fight in the tournament.

55:27It's one of those classic, you know, it's a classic con man, you know. Like, he has the skills to exist in the real world successfully, but he'd rather use it for crime. Someone edit June into a scene in this movie putting like$1 ,000 into it. Or a rich lady from New York.

55:43Jason Mantzoukas:Like an old New York. I just come down to watch the poor people on stills. Here's a hey penny. So let's talk about the bar scene that helps set up the main bad guy, who's also the same bad guy from Lionheart. Is that the guy that looks like Steve Harvey? Yes. Oh, the Mongolian? When she said that to me, I was like, he looks just like Steve Heir. He has the worst facial hair known to man because it's the ring. Yes. Not the goatee, not the mustache, but when you do a mustache and then a line of hair, it's a second set of hair lips that go around your mouth. And now you are a Jean-Claude Van Damme expert, so I'll ask you this.

56:21Jason Mantzoukas:In Bloodsport, I believe that the guy he fought was deaf because he never really spoke. he just kind of vocalized as if he was going to say something, but no words came out. And this guy doesn't really speak at all. This guy says nothing. I think this is more about casting based on looks than, like, oral abilities. So his voice could be like, hi, I did think. Hi, guys. They demonstrate that this guy's a badass by having him knock out Remar in one punch, which I also think leads Maxie to go, I'm not fighting in this fucking tournament. I think Remar's like, I'm out. This movie, for James Remar's character, is a real gut punch.

56:59Yeah. He went back to business school. His character goes to business school at the end of this. He fucking is the heavyweight champion of the world. Travels to Tibet and gets his ass repeatedly handed to him. Knocked out by a homeless clown and then knocked out by Genghis Khan cosplay.

57:14Jason Mantzoukas:By the way, this bad guy, and this serves for a point to talk about some of the direction in this film. The slow-mo is used to not great effect in this. That table, right? He breaks a table, but they do it in slow-mo. I would think that breaking a table in fast motion is way more engaging. Like, hush! It's interesting you say that because I felt that too. Like, when they cut to slow-mo, the fighting looked worse. Oh, this is peak editing fighting. Right. This is peak. Like, Bloodsport has it a lot. And you know, like the Van Damme where he lands one kick, but the editing shows three of the same kicks.

57:48and this is peak that where it's like it slows down at moments where there is no one is making contact with each other and it's like when he does like the flip backwards and kicks the sand into the guy's face i'm like that is like physically literally impossible like to do a flip with your feet from under the sand and get the sand to go horizontal into someone's eyes but they show it in slow motion and it looks like they cut away at the moment that would be the thing you would want to show. They just show a guy getting ready to jump in slow motion, which is not something you want to see. Yeah, it felt like the slow-mo was all like gearing up.

58:22They had to slow-mo that fisting because they shot that slow. I feel like they just go, put your hand on the table, a prop guy will pull a rope and the whole thing, because it shatters. And that doesn't shatter even. It crumbles. It turns to powder. It's so obviously artificial. And everything in this thing,

58:40Jason Mantzoukas:it's like the fight, it is just like, it is, It seems like when Bloodsport, they didn't use any doubles, right? That was the whole argument. But here, I feel like they probably used a lot of doubles. Oh, yeah. I don't think James Remar is taking a fucking punch from some random Mongolian dude. Quick question. Why do Roger Moore and Jack McGee want that reporter who we haven't even talked about yet to come along for this ride? We haven't talked about this yet. And I think it's because Roger Moore wants to bone her. Can I ask a question? I have a real question. Finally. What does she get from the news feed, the ticker tape?

59:17No idea. She has like a prized possession that she's like, I have everything you need or whatever. And she's holding a piece of paper and we never find out what was on it. I think I know what that is. I think that is like permission or bankroll from the newspaper, from her dad, to cover this article, which means the cost of the boat ride. Got it. I think it's going to get them. She's financing this trip. And is that why they're using her? They are using her, I think, because Roger Moore wants to have sex with her because she's beautiful. And that is a Jean-Claude Van Damme trope, right? Is that the, first of all, these movies destroy Bechdel.

59:55They, like, annihilate the Bechdel test. There's always only one woman, and she's a reporter. And in Bloodsport, she's a reporter who has to pretend to be a whore to get into something.

1:00:04Jason Mantzoukas:Here, she's a reporter who is, like, you know, she's just, again, just wandering Bangkok looking for a story. Yeah, the only white person from my own. Again, like, why doesn't she know about this tournament? Why doesn't she, like, introduce this idea? She has nothing going on. And neither does her and Jean-Claude Van Damme. They're not even love interest. They are not. Until the very last minute where he puts his arm around her, I'm like, oh, they're together? Yeah, no, I don't think so. They seem more together than the New York guy. And Roger Moore seems to give up on her as well. Like, I would have, like, the minute they get to, well, that's the thing is, this movie has indiscriminate plot points all the way up until the last 45 minutes, which are just a man saying the names of two countries, and then those two people fight.

1:00:47And that is it. That's all this movie needs to be. I listened to all the episodes of How This Get Made, and when I was... Brag. I know. I need a job. If I was on the Street Fighter episode, I would have said that Street Fighter should have just been Bloodsport. Like, it should have just been like the video game where all the best characters just fight each other. It's a big tournament that there happens to be a guy named Blanca at.

1:01:08Jason Mantzoukas:But don't you think that that was the deficit of this movie? Because there's no breaks in this movie. And you're like, another fight with no stakes? And when is it going to? Because there's no one that could act in between scenes. In Bloodsport, they got ogre that he can deliver a line at least in between. That's sort of interesting. This shit has nothing. What goes good with tonic? Don't say it. Gin. I told you not to say it. Is a sketch. And then the horse says something. And he goes, oh, quiet you. I know. That's why Roger Moore. I couldn't believe we were only on the semifinals when we were.

1:01:44Oh, I know. They've been fighting forever. They show every fight. That's the thing. They show every fight. But every fight is seven punches. Yes. Well, and here's the thing. You've already been introduced to the fighting styles of each country. And then they just mix and match every one. Yeah, now it's okay. Now you see the winners. Well, we've seen all of these people. That's like Chekhov's sumo wrestler. You see him in the first act. He better fight fighting it. Exactly. But that's why you're going to this movie. That's why you saw Bloodsport. That's why you liked it, at least for me growing up.

1:02:11Yeah, you want to watch the fights. It's like, oh, Monkey Man versus Sumo? Oh, the guy who does Muay Thai versus the guy who is arbitrarily Arab?

1:02:21Jason Mantzoukas:Well, I had an issue about the monkey guy or the snake guy. Oh, dude, are you talking about the – In this movie, it's China. Yeah, China because it goes – First of all, the best line in the whole movie to me was, he's moving like an animal, more like a snake. Yeah, I said that. I kind of said that. An animal. And then in ADR, in the next sequence, he goes, now he's more of a monkey. Yeah. And it's like, we see that. And then in the third one, he goes, tiger. But to me, I said to Gina, I was like, I don't understand the mindset of this guy because it seems like he's also acting like a monkey, tiger, and snake.

1:02:56Jason Mantzoukas:Well after the fact that he's won. And well before. Yeah. Before and after. That's part of the to really because if this is a real fighting tournament that has any kind of semblance of rules which it doesn't you'd probably say like hey you're not allowed to play the bongos while the capoeira guy fights like come on that's not fair why does everyone have the judge is like bring your bongos do it it's fine you guys got backup musicians fine yeah I would have a fucking guy on an electric guitar just ripping it up and I would have Doof Warrior shooting it I'd be out there like if they had that in Bloodsport that's what Jackson would have had would have had fucking Lynyrd Skynyrd playing.

1:03:33You would have had Slash playing Welcome to the Jungle. That's what I would do. No, I wouldn't. I would, for real, just do Montel Jordan's This Is How We Do It. Who is your favorite? All right, no, full disclosure. I can only get up to this game. I would only fight. I will only fight and fuck to Montel Jordan's This Is How We Do It. Who is your favorite of the fighters?

1:03:53Jason Mantzoukas:Well, to me, I'm going to go just jump right in and say the Capoeira guy was amazing. And I call that like the Epcot of fights because it was like everyone was so, like, so I am my country. Like, this is when you go to Epcot. Well, what about the Scottish guys? And when the fight at the end and they cut to the audience and everyone is in their cliched outfit. It's like there's a Nazi guy with a Nazi helmet on. He fights in jackboots and red suspenders. Okay, I now want to get to that's a perfect segue. June, what did you think about what Jean-Claude Van Damme wore to fight? Do you have any thoughts on what he was wearing?

1:04:25I'm trying to remember. Oh, interesting. He's wearing a tank top. He's wearing loose shorts. Loose pants. Shorts. Sweat shorts. Loose shorts, white socks, and work boots. He's dressed like two very specific archetypes. 1980s bodybuilders and 1990s gay guys. I was like, he is dressed like a West Hollywood gay dude from like 10, 15 years ago. I was like, what's going on? And the bandana. And the rope bandana. I think JCBD is a beautiful man. He is. I think he's a gorgeous man. You're not going to find anyone to disagree. I thought he looked great in this movie. I thought he looked great in Bloodsport.

1:05:03I'm saying Tiffany like everyone knows who she is. My wife walked in when I was watching this and she goes, is that Jean-Claude Van Damme in the sequence on the boat when he has a beard? She's obviously into Bearded Dude. She goes, shit, he's really hot. I liked him with the beard. He looked good with the beard.

1:05:17Jason Mantzoukas:He looked very Wolverine. He looked a little bit like Hugh Jackman. Yes, he did. He also, in this era where you've got Seagal, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, all these like Dolph Lundgren, all these kind of A to C level action stars, he is genuinely leading man handsome. Right. In a way that none of them are. In Bloodsport, I was so upset to see him in so many splits. Yeah. You want him to keep his tongue. Because it's only ruining your lady boner for him. I feel like you might be in the minority on that, to be honest. I don't want to speak for women, but I think... Ladies liked him in splits? Oh, I think ladies like the splits and the buns.

1:05:53Jason Mantzoukas:Here's the thing. Let's get it out there. How did this get made, fans? If you have an opinion, call us at 619-Paul-P-A-U-L-Ask-A-S-K, and you can leave a message. We can talk about it on the mini episode. And really, the question is not like, oh, is that cool that he can do a split? Is it a turn-on or a turn-off? Turn-on or turn-off? Turn-on. Yeah. I want to see a forum post that really digs in on this. I'll tell you what a real turn-off is to me. And I want it to be splits and buns. All right. We'll go, guys, bring it to the phone line, bring it to the forums. The turn off literally was when the kilt man got his balls literally turned.

1:06:28Jason Mantzoukas:That's by turkey. I rewound it three times to hear how the guy announced his country because I could not sort it out. And he's not a visible race. He's like a short, tan dude with long. He's like a mini Manzoukas. And you're gone. How dare you? How dare you? How dare you compare me to the Turks? By the way, that turk gets taken up pretty quick. The Greek guy does okay. The Greek guy, by the way, who has got shoulder length, blonde hair. This guy is a Venice surfer. This guy's from fucking Cyprus. His move of serving people a spanakopita until they collapse is really bizarre. By the way, the one question I did have about Jean-Claude's outfit is, this is my problem with him being a representative of Muay Thai.

1:07:14is like, is that what those guys were wearing? No. That's what's crazy. That's not what he's worn at all in the movie. No. He didn't wear it on the boat. He didn't wear it in New York. He didn't. You know what it is reminiscent of, though, is the street urchins. He is dressed a little. Who ultimately he's fighting for. Right, but he brought all that gear. He fought. It's weird that he's not in Muay Thai. I agree. He wears a Muay Thai outfit in fucking Bloodsport. He wears a Muay Thai outfit in the first round of fights before the Lost City. Yes, when he's fighting in the Muay Thai fight when he's still owned by the Muay Thai Island guys.

1:07:50Jason Mantzoukas:But sometimes when he's just chilling out, he's wearing a nice collared striped shirt. Like a chambray shirt to hang out and look at the - Van Damme's ability to rock a tucked in dress shirt is like unbeknownst. Every movie features him with a tucked in, you know like the 90s tuck where you pull it on a little? 25 pleats. It's like literally like 42 pleats across. And they fit like jumpers. If it's like one of those fans where he's had so many pleats, but when he does a split, it becomes like a big image. Like it's like a real tableau. It's like a crane landing in a sunset. Basically like MC Hammer pants.

1:08:27Jason Mantzoukas:I wanted to just bring up one thought to you guys. If it's a fight of the best fighters in the world, can we just say, hey, we know that everyone here can kick someone in the balls and disable them. Can we just take that off the table? no ball kicking in the best fights in the world because I feel like... You think that's a cheap move. I think it's a cheap move. I feel like let's fight without the ball hits. I feel like in year 7 ,000, assuming that's a millennial-long tournament, that it's got to adapt. And UFC, when it first started, was like guys could walk in with boxing gloves and shoes on and fight a guy in a full gi.

1:09:02You didn't need any... And then eventually it was like, oh, let's just choke. Why isn't everyone just being choked to death in this fight? It's like, why am I going to stand back and let a guy spin three times, kick me in the head, when I can just hold him by his throat until he says, pleat like mate or whatever. That's right. None of these fights make sense. It's like, of course you want to make it good for movies, but everyone's style is showmanship.

1:09:25Jason Mantzoukas:Everyone is doing a pre-show before their actual fight. Except for the Russian guy who just walks in and gets his ass kicked. I thought he was going to be the cool character, too. I love this guy. looks just like a, he looks like the worst dude to run into in Brighton Beach and he's gonna beat the fuck out of you. I also like the school field trip that was clearly at the show. Like, at one point they cut to a group of kids like, hi! Like, the Lost City kids like, alright, so tomorrow, do your algebra, but tomorrow we go to the big fight. Like, everyone get your permission slips in and grab your little juice boxes.

1:09:58Go ahead. One thing that's crazy is the guy that fought on behalf of Spain, he's got a belt on it. He's got a flag on his belt. Yeah. He's fighting. He's like the most Spanish you could be. But that's not the Spanish flag. No. Oh, I don't know. It was not the Spanish flag because I remember that the Spanish flag was yellow. And I was like, this guy's got a different flag on. I looked it up. He's wearing an Albanian flag because the actor is from Albania. And that just made it all the way through to the final cut. He's also wearing slacks. Yes. Like he's not wearing. There's like three guys fighting in dress pants and dress shoes.

1:10:32And like jazz shoes. They were like waiters a minute ago serving someone a drink, and they're like, oh, shit, I'm sorry. I'm from Siam. I have to represent my country right now in a fight to the death. And everything is a country, and then a continent is the one black dude. Yes, Africa. It's like Africa. And he's like literally like a voodoo priest. You're like, please. And he also has drums. He's the other guy that has a backing band. The two black guys have music, unfortunately. It's like a movie made in the 90s. It's like impossibly racist.

1:11:01Jason Mantzoukas:the one thing I want to talk about and it probably will not ring true to anybody but me because I love this movie so much but the stealing of the dragon at the end with the Nazi blimp is almost shot for shot identical to the Superman 2 breakout of Lex Luthor and Ned Beatty like they're in a blimp like Jack McGee can't get on the ladder he almost gets on the ladder he falls off the thing and then Lex Luthor's like see you later I'm leaving it's comically the same exact scene and the plan is so terrible let's steal a blimp, hoist this thing and a blimp is not going to be able to lift and by the way, you're in a lost city you have to go far also, you stole a Nazi blimp those guys, not forgiving and by the way, it's 1926 they're just getting up and running also, you can make that any nationality this movie takes place, it's a global movie you can leave the Nazis out of the, like, why does it have to be Nazis?

1:12:01This movie wasn't made in the 1920s. That's like Indiana Jones said, man. Indiana Jones did the same thing. I would have loved it if Indiana Jones had entered this movie. But at least in Indiana Jones, they're bad guys. In this movie, you're like, they're just kind of like. That's the weird thing about Roger Moore and Jack McGee, though. Why at this point do they not think that he didn't? Van Damme could win. Yeah. Why steal it at this point? Right. Why don't we wait and see? There's a slight chance we get it for real. So are we to believe that every year this tournament happens and every year there's a golden horse that goes home with someone?

1:12:34A, I think it's a dragon. Sorry. But yes, you can. You can ride. First of all, that's like 100%. I know you fell asleep, quote unquote. But does it go home with the winner every year? Paul, make sure that June wants to take your kid for a horse ride, make sure that. I'm very aware now. Wait, no, June brings up a very valid point. Like, does that mean that there's been hundreds of years of this tournament, there's hundreds of giant golden dragons? Yeah. Or does that guy always win?

1:13:04Jason Mantzoukas:They don't seem to give away the golden. I think the golden dragon is just like the fake out. Well, no, they make a deal. They make a deal so that they don't kill Roger Moore and Jack McGee. Oh, that was the deal. Van Damme says, you can keep the golden dragon. If I win, you have to set us all free. But I think Genghis Khan is the local. The Mongolian? Yeah. He's like the house champion, it feels like. Oh, really? That's what it feels like. Like he's from Moss City? Yeah, he's from the, like he's the Lost Cities representative, even though he's dressed exactly like a barbarian from a video game.

1:13:31That's what these movies are. Video games come to life. And that's why they have to do their little dance or something. Because that's like their, like Chun-Li takes the picture or whatever, you know. All that shit is so fun.

1:13:43Jason Mantzoukas:By the way, a great moment in this movie when they do take a picture with an old 1920s camera. A great moment to just have a still and make it black and white. But color picture. Like it was just like a small choice you could have made. And frozen in time. Nope, color, color. Clearly, we had an opinion about this movie, but there's some people out there that had a different opinion. It is now time for second opinions. Second opinions are like second answers. Some people got on their backs fucking crazy. All right, these are five-star reviews called from Amazon. There are not many second opinions on this film.

1:14:21Jason Mantzoukas:There are not many five-star reviews, but there are two that are worth it. And here we go. This is from Ox Bigley. And he writes. Sounds like a bully from a cartoon. I know, he really does. Hey, Ox Bigley's after me. The little rascals or something. I first saw this on Spanish TV, and I was so aggravated, I couldn't understand what was being said. But then I went to my video store, and I rented it. Fantastic film. Although I do admit the plot could use a little work. But still an awesome movie. If you want to see how they should have done the Mortal Kombat film, get this DVD. Way better than the Street Fighter.

1:14:58Jason Mantzoukas:Then again, I'm sure the Barney movie was better than that. Five stars. Wow. The Barney movie. Now, this is. Takes a shot in that one. For the first time ever, we have someone who's done a second opinion on another movie coming to do a second opinion on this movie. And this is the man. His name is Jason Vine. and he has created the Jean-Claude Van Damme Review Matrix. We did this in the Bloodsport episode so we will see how this stacks up. He's done this for Lionheart Double Impact, Kickboxer Universal Soldier, Nowhere to Run, Hard Target Time Cop and pretty much every one of them. But here we go for Bloodsport The Quest.

1:15:42Jason Mantzoukas:Who is he? Christopher Dubois whose story is too complicated for a one sentence breakdown. That's true. Which family or friend must be avenged? No avenging needed. He's got kids to feed. Does he take his shirt off? The closest he gets is a tank top version of a thong. Which is true, he does a Go shirtless. He does take his shirt off, yeah. Does he have sex with a C-list actress? No sex. All business. Is there a tournament? Oh, yes, there is. Is training needed? Absolutely. And all the training takes place amidst the sweltering squalor of a Bangkok Muay Thai fighting world, but we don't see it.

1:16:20Jason Mantzoukas:We don't see it. So I'd say no, there is training, but we don't see it. It's all off camera. Does he do splits in the training or in the tournament? No. It probably doesn't count, but after a vicious spin kick in the final battle, JCVD stretches a little in slow-mo, and it's not really a split shot, but he's saying it's kind of a split shot. No, it's not. I wish it was. No, it's no splits. I was glad it wasn't. Does he punch someone in the balls? He delivers the reversed heel to the twins. is patented by Ric Flair, so he considers that a punch, but it's a kick. Other people get punched in the balls.

1:16:53Jason Mantzoukas:Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks in slow-mo? I guess he does. Is his enemy unbeatable? After beating every previous opponent with little more than a stiff jab, the final enemy for JCVD is a Mongolian beast, part Chong Li from Bloodsport and part Attila from Lionheart, actually the same actor who played Attila. and does he overcome injury or any other hindrance? A rarity for JCVD. The entire tournament is on the level. Nothing goes wrong. Does he win? Not only does he win, but he delivers what is probably his best overall fight scene in his career. What? I don't think so. That's not true at all.

1:17:31Part of the fight is in a room that we are not seeing. I did truly like that moment. I thought it was just a change of pace that that fight. I liked it too. Also, they had to go outside at that point because someone, JCVD, who's directing it, must have been like, you know, every 60 minutes of this movie have been in this dark fucking warehouse. Why don't we spill out into the street? And then the fight, it's just one of those situations where it wraps up so fast. You can never live up to the hype. Well, first of all - He also just appears, the whole fight appears, like for Jean-Claude Van Damme, who is all about kicking, it really is all about punching in this movie.

1:18:06He just is repeatedly punching the guy in the face. Punch, punch, punch, punch, punch, punch. and it's like not very exciting.

1:18:11Jason Mantzoukas:Well, my favorite part of it is that they're fighting inside this house and the house is like a long, like a tractor house, almost like a trailer. And they move, like the audience of the fight moves from left to right as they're going through the house, but the house is fully like covered. So they can't see. So just by like, I guess, grunts, they're moving. It's like if they could see it, they would move along, but they're just like, I guess he's over at this point. It reminds me of in Fargo season one when Billy Bob goes into the building. Oh, yeah, and you see it. Yeah, and you just kind of track it.

1:18:39they ripped off the quest. I'll say it. Fucking Noah Hawley

1:18:43Jason Mantzoukas:ripping off the quest once again. Cool, man. So then the fight ends to no celebration at all. Actually, there's a somber mood that befalls the crowd. Well, I think it's because all the people in the crowd are losers. They're previous people who lost the fight. Why are they sticking around? Who cares who wins at this point? Like when they cut to the crowd and it is the two Scottish guys, I'm like, why are they still here? and they don't have a fucking, a leg in, they don't give a fuck which one of these guys wins. Yeah, go home. Right. And then start your journey home. It's a leg of months. You have like a three month journey to get home.

1:19:18Conservative.

1:19:18Jason Mantzoukas:By the time they get home, by the time they get home, they have to start the trip back to go to the next year's tournament. There's a monk waiting with a, oh, you gotta be fucking kidding. Hey, you're one of the best. Let's play what I think is probably the best writing in the entire movie. The wrap up. All right, so now they're gonna go home. Here is JCVD's final voiceover. I didn't get the golden dragon, but I returned to New York like I promised. Cut the kids off the streets. In the end, we all did just fine. Well, how did he do that, though? Maxie trained many great fighters and became a big celebrity.

1:19:55Last I heard, Dubs and Harry opened a trading post deep in the Amazon. Like, that's not John Clarke. Yes, they're sold.

1:20:02Jason Mantzoukas:It's his old man voice. and then you reveal that he's reading a book backwards because he closes the book on the first chapter. What really doesn't make sense, though. A book that was written by the female reporter, but in his voice. Yes. Yes. So the entire movie is a story being told by the female reporter, first person, as the character that Jean-Claude Van Damme is playing. That's not even... What? Why don't they show him go back to the kids? What? They just did just fine. They didn't do great. They didn't have an amazing life. There's no way you leave for nine months and a group of street kids, they've managed to make it.

1:20:46Bunch of those kids are dead. Here's the thing. He is coming back with no money. Right, that's what I'm saying. He comes back and he just has confidence from winning the final. How does he get those kids off the streets?

1:20:58Jason Mantzoukas:Well, maybe he sold that gold necklace. And by the way, there's more street kids. Like, he doesn't eradicate, like, street urchins. Yeah, he didn't end homelessness as far as... No, come to the show then. He's like, I won the fight, and then no kid was ever without a home. I want to say, I don't know what you're about to start up on. No, please, no. But this movie has, I read the IMDb trivia for every movie I've ever seen. This movie has the best IMDb trivia. I have some here, some notes. I can tell you some from Recall that I remember reading. Not even, and I read it again today, but there's some I remember from when I was...

1:21:27Jason Mantzoukas:Let me throw some at you, and you tell me if I miss any. The original director of this movie, or the one that JCVD wanted, anyone guesses? I mean, you know it. I know the answer. I'm not going to say it. Any guesses? Oliver Stone. Amazing. The IMDb Trivia says, JCVD asked Oliver Stone to direct this, and he politely declined. This is probably my, well, there's two. I'm going to read my second favorite one. I think I know which ones you're going to read. The one, well, the Jack McGee one. Yes, exactly. We'll end on that. This one is Tatum O 'Neill claims in her autobiography that she was offered the female lead first, but things fell apart after a romance with her and JCVD failed.

1:22:05Jason Mantzoukas:Whoa. And before you read the Jack McGee one, I just want to say in the IMDb trivia, there's four trivia pieces that are all about how much Roger Moore hated this movie. Oh, so much. It's like he was told. Yeah, he said in his biography, it's his least favorite movie he's ever been part of. He was told he was going to get above the line billing and he didn't. And there's like, it's like 11 straight complaints. He talks about it. It's the worst movie he's ever done. Embarrassed by it. And just if you want to know more about this experience and the world of JCBD, you can check out SlashFilm.com because there is now a rebuttal interview to last week's Frank Duke's interview.

1:22:40Jason Mantzoukas:Because Sheldon Ledich, who wrote Bloodsport and is involved in this world, read that article, got angered, and now is rebutting Frank Duke. Also the writer of Lionheart, which is the better quest. And Frank Dukes is very much involved in a big lawsuit here because he claimed that he wrote this movie called The Kumite Enter the Dragon. It's a big deal. He won arbitration WGA. Frank Dukes got story by credit on this movie, but he didn't win the civil lawsuit that he saw. Right, he lost the court case. I could talk to you about Frank Dukes slash Count Dante for like hours. Are you guys familiar with Count Dante from the back of like Boys Life magazine?

1:23:16No. He's a very similar to Frank Dukes type character who swears that he fought in all these like – he said he killed over 50 people in different kumites and then taught karate in Chicago and was part of what was called the Dojo Wars where he got arrested for setting up explosives at a rival dojos. And that's all real. This is insane. I love it.

1:23:35Jason Mantzoukas:This world is amazing. Search Count Dante and Frank Dukes on Wikipedia and have a fucking great afternoon. Why don't I have you present the last fact, which is the best fact? So there's this piece of trivia that just says, Jack McGee was known to pass wind, parentheses, fart after every take and everyone laughed at it except Jean-Claude Van Damme who hated it. Like that energy to me makes me laugh more than any. After every take? That's just the most disgusting person alive. But that's fucking awesome. We work with Jack. He's the best. He's the guy from McCarthy. He's the dad from McCarthy's, right?

1:24:12Jason Mantzoukas:He's actually in a party over here sketch. He's great. I like that guy. He's great in the movie. He's great. I think he's probably like, fuck this movie. Exactly. He's 100%. Him and Roger Moore are sitting there on the boat going, how the fuck did we get involved in this? I'm going to email Jack and find out if he farted in this thing. Please do. I don't want to say it if it wasn't true. But we have said it now. We have said it. IMDb said it, so we're quoting somebody. And I'll leave you with this before we get into plugs. Jean-Claude Van Damme's definition of the movie. This movie is about a dream, but also adventure.

1:24:49Jason Mantzoukas:It is epic. Has many faces. Many corners. It is the shape of a diamond. Oh, boy. And that is my definition of the question. Wow. The shape of a diamond. Many faces and many corners. I can't disagree with that. I don't think he's seen a movie nor a diamond. Wow. Well, I'm so glad that you're here, John Please, thanks for having me What would you like to plug? Right now, I guess the only thing I would have to plug is Check out my podcast, search High and Mighty on iTunes And if you're a fan of I have done some action movie You have a very extensive Bloodsport episode I have a Bloodsport episode I've done some other action movies and stuff I've actually tried to avoid overlap with How Did This Get Made Oh, very nice, thank you Because we passed on doing Cobra In honor of you, I'm more than welcome We've done two Seagal movies and plenty more to come.

1:25:41There is plenty of room for people talking about movies that they love. So you go right ahead. So check out High and Mighty. And if you're a fan of the TV show Banshee, I'm actually starting a weird side project where I'm doing recap and interview episodes about Banshee. I cannot wait for that. And I have nothing to do with that show other than I'm a fan.

1:25:56Jason Mantzoukas:I can't wait to watch that show. I've heard it's so great. Jason? I got nothing. June? I'll plug the second season of Grace and Frank, which comes out on May 6th on Netflix. and also a movie that I saw recently and I love and I think might still be out in the theaters, The Bronze, starring Melissa Rauch. Ooh, yeah, The Bronze. That was hilarious. Well, I'll give a big thank you to everybody here at Earwolf. Averill Halley for pulling all these clips. Nick Kiley for doing all of his research. Marissa Zeitz for all the help. Leanna Waldron for designing amazing images. And everybody, Ryan, our engineer, thank you so much.

1:26:30Jason Mantzoukas:Thank you guys so much for coming. Bye-bye. Hey, what's going on over there? It's me. Trevor Noah. You know me. You don't know me? Oh, you do. I was worried there for a second. Well, if you know anything about me, you'll know I love having interesting conversations. Conversations where we scratch beneath the surface. Like, what's really going on in the news? Or, what is that celebrity really thinking about that scandal that they had? Or, what's the worst way to be a parent? I mean, you want to find that out so you can be the best parent, right? Well, regardless of what it is, this podcast is all about figuring that out.

1:27:11Talking to interesting people who have interesting ideas that give us an interesting perspective on the world that we're living in. So make sure you tune in. Check out What Now? with Trevor Noah. Available now on the SiriusXM app.

1:27:28Why have we asked our contractor we found on Angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian? because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we could trust him to care for our kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us. Are you my dad now? Uh, no, sorry, I do basements.

1:27:48Jason Mantzoukas:Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home projects at Angie.com.