Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets w/ Jessica St. Clair & Doug Benson (HDTGM Matinee)

25:49She has to wait for the takeout guy or you know she has to like always be out in the lobby. Wait for me in the lobby. Yeah wait for me in the lobby. Go outside and have a smoke. Get me some Reese's Pieces and wait for me in the lobby. Wait for me in the lobby of the big market. I wrote down and I was like there's so much sarcasm in this movie I don't know what's real or not and I don't know if they're good at their job or they're terrible at their job. Because nothing made sense. I don't know if they understand sarcasm. I also think, and whatever, I think these are both very talented people, and I've seen them be good in other things.

26:30It was like someone let two kids onto a movie set, and they were like, fuck it, let's do the movie with them. I was like, I couldn't. Just say whatever you want, kids. I couldn't crack it. I couldn't figure out their... Well, here's a big problem. The stakes for them seem to be for most of the movie that they're trying to get to their vacation. Yes. That they just got to get to the beach. Well, also, is she going to accept his marriage proposal? Because this is clearly the love story of the century. Yeah. By the way, there's nothing more sad than someone being like, why won't you marry me? It's like this first thing is like, oh, all right, well, you're laying it all out on the line right from the get-go.

27:09Are they even a couple at the beginning of this movie? No. No, they're partners. They're just partners, right? But they're inseparable, and they wrestle in their underwear on the beach. Like, honestly, they both have more chemistry with the robot that runs their ship. Yeah, Alexa. Alex. Oh, my gosh. I want to talk about some of the tech because I believe that the movie... Well, first of all, this performance was one of my favorites. The, uh, the... Hold on there. Oh, I love that. I don't like when she almost gets her brain eaten. I love it. This is my favorite performance. This guy here. Play it.

27:51Yeah, Russell Brand was busy.

28:16So everybody, please get together right behind your guide, whose name is... Tazee! Tazee! Come on, let's go! And Tazee... I don't know where... Watches right to camera. Activate your system. Wonderful, okay? He goes... Come on. Come on. System activated. Can you do it? Activate your system. One, two, three. Here we go. This is my favorite little... Whoa. Activate your system, please. Welcome to Big Market. Why didn't Jason get this job? Were you up for this part? There were two parts you could have gotten. That one and the jellyfish hunter. I was up for both of these parts. You know, I just, you know, I missed it.

29:01I guess, you know, it just came down to me and him. And he had all of the wardrobe already. Yeah, you didn't have enough beads in your beard. He's like one of those guys that came in character, you know? He just came with a double bag full of old towels and then wrapped them around. It was undeniable. Have you guys been to the whole Universal Park, the Valerian Universal Park? Yeah, yeah. Big Market? It's just a big empty piece of sand. All right, so here's my issue with the Big Market. So the premise is it's in another dimension. Cool idea. You've got to put on glasses, and then you can explore.

29:36But basically, even though it's in another dimension, you're still in this dimension walking around. So it's almost like VR that you're experiencing something, but you're existing in a space. So when all this shit happens where they're like robbing John Goodman from Monsters, Inc., like he's being chased, but at any given point, couldn't he just take off the glasses? No, because his hand is stuck in the thing. Oh, so his hand would always be in that dimension. Yeah. That's why he can't just jump right out. Oh, okay. He's stuck. Right? Yeah. Because otherwise, that's all he would have had to do, is go like, and he could take his arm out, and he could then...

30:19He needs Laureline to go at it with a pliers or something, that who knows where she pulled that out of, and fix it so it comes off. And she's real calm when she's doing it, and he's panicked. So fun. And their repartee is flawless. It's like old school, Joel Silver writing, Lethal Weapon style. I wrote down, I was like... It's like Amy Sherman Palladino level banter. I wrote down... But it said real slow. But it said real slow. You know, like that crackling patter of a screwball comedy slowed real down. Like it's taken a bunch of syrup into Houston. I wrote down, I wrote, it's like Sorkin dialogue as written by, like, Michael Bay.

31:05like it's like it's like there's an energy to it that should be there but there's no they're there either it's you know it's so it's it's there every time they open their mouths I was like I don't it all feels like it's made to be enjoyed in any language well you know we're like I wonder if there are people that it really would have like one of my things always when I see stuff that doesn't connect with me but then i'm like because and i don't think we've said this exactly but there's a lot of very cool fun sci-fi ideas at play in this a lot of these segments are really interesting really great kind of ideas and execution but it's just kind of so flat and i keep being like who would i have liked to see in this movie like it would it have changed if and and again i want to go on record i like both of these actors but if sam rockwell was in this movie would this movie be so much better like someone who sam rockwell francis mcdormand let's see valerian great valerian in the city with three billboards three billboards outside of a thousand planets planets no but i i but i almost think like visually john luc bresson is amazing it's like it's like you just want somebody to come in there and be like let's just um rewrite this a little bit let's kind of put a little flavor to this because it's like it it is i think as far as like a special effects a movie that's so special effects heavy it is one of the most beautiful movies that doesn't feel like i don't know what cgi like it feels great it looks very bright and vibrant but it's the same way i kind of feel about james cameron movies sometimes too i'm like like i wish there were like avatar i wish there was like more there well that goes back to also what St.

32:53Clair was saying about stakes. I was never really nervous or afraid for anybody. It never really hooked me. I wasn't invested in their love story. I wasn't invested in their mission. There was nothing that I could latch on to. So I just kind of end up being like, and it's very vignette-y. Each piece is its own little piece. And so some worked, some didn't. And it's all, they don't, I mean, they really don't go on their mission. They don't ever go on a mission. They go on one thing that leads them to the next thing. So they're just like along for the ride. They don't know why they're there. They take turns saving each other.

33:29Yeah. Oh, my gosh. There's a lot of like, I felt like there was that one scene where Cara Delevingne's like, go through that wall, and it was just an excuse to run through all the worlds that they had mentioned, but they had no discernible plot for any of it. Like, well, it would be cool if he just runs through all of them, right? At least we did it. But to be honest, that was my favorite part of the movie. Really? That suit was the only thing I thought would be cool to have. His mix suit? Yeah, that he could be like, oh, I'm swimming now. Now I'm running really fast. Now I can go through walls, you know?

34:04I was like, okay, that's something interesting. I'll tell you what I don't need is a sky jet. What is it called? What'd you say, Dan? Something about handjobs and a porcupine. But through it all, no matter how far the world's get, you still get some Bee Gees with Stayin' Alive when you're walking through the cool 42nd Street bazaar. The red light district. Oh, here, we'll just be out here. He has to turn down a lot of action. People want to have sex with aliens. That's what this is telling us. It's the truth. Hi, Shoga. They shot this at the rap party.

34:45Hey. Hey, you wanna fly? I'm allergic to feathers. Uh-oh. That? Wait, Paul, will you just pause for one second? How about that? Hey, baby, do you wanna fly? I'm allergic to feathers. That's, it's, this is supposed to be crackling dialogue. I'm allergic to feathers. He really, he's just trying to let him down gently. He's got a real legit reason, motherfucker. He doesn't wanna put... I don't wanna see these in your face while you're... I'd love to fuck you, but it's, you know, you and down pillows, I can't do it. Now, if you were made out of my pillow material that, you know, contours... Ooh, bring me one of those, bring me one of those Tempur-Pedic whores.

35:33Which, essentially, Rihanna is. Rihanna is a morphable pillow. By the way, I think Rihanna, MVP of this movie... Best seen in the movie. Yes. She is a little blue creature, which... But I'm all in on real. Like, I thought that, like... Bubble. Bubble. I'm sad that Bubble died so soon. And so anticlimactic. Spoilers, Jessica! Sorry. She dies so anticlimactic. Like, they kill everybody. Like, where's Bubbles? And she's like, oh, I'm here. I love that she raises one finger almost, like, over here. One tentacle. But she is dying. I'm the best performer. He's like, you were a great performer. You were one of the best actresses I've ever seen.

36:16Like that was like his final send off to Bubbles. Of course you're a great actress if you can be anything. Well, by the way, that's the other thing. She turns into whatever she wants to. But she needs to practice. Yeah, he comes up with this plan. They're going to be that crazy, like weirdo creature. They jump in and like two minutes before a massive Matrix-style fight scene, they can't even walk straight. They're like, blah, blah, blah. And then literally a minute later, Dee's running and jumping and chopping people's heads off. She's good. She's real good is what I'm saying. That segment where Lorelei, Laureline rather, is trapped in with those beasts that are like, you can't get in the middle of them.

37:00Yes, the fat ass beasts. And it's just the fashion show? Nope, nope, nope. I was like, now what are they up to here? Nope, no. Why did this get through? Like, what are we doing here? Because she doesn't even, there's like eight beats where she doesn't, the creature doesn't change its reaction at all.

37:26And then it finally just blows snot in her face. Yeah. She gets snot, people get slimed, like again, in this movie there's a lot of slime. There's jizz guns, there are, and then that little, that scene with the baby. when Valerian runs into a toy store. Oh yeah, that weird noseless baby. Yeah, and he's playing with a kid, but there's also snot on that kid's face, and then the mom comes in. A lot of fucking slime. This movie was originally supposed to be in French. What? Yes, Jean-Luc Besson decided to get a wider audience. I think you're saying his name is Jean-Luc Besson. His name's Luc Besson.

38:06Oh, sorry. Jean-Luc Picard and Jean-Luc Besson.

38:14Sorry, Luke Passant. I'm still excited that maybe John Luke Picard might come back for the Quentin Tarantino Star Trek. It's been on my mind. Sorry, Luke Passant. But yeah, he thought it would be great to put it in English because it would be a broader film. But it did not work. The budget of this movie was$210 million. Whoa! Wow. Opening weekend was 17. Oh, no. It probably did better internationally, though. Yes. Now, this is the thing. The worldwide gross of this movie was$225 million. So it made... So they broke even? Yeah, they just kind of broke even. No, but not after... And by the way, Jean-Luc Basson also took no money for this movie.

39:06Oh, no. Because he wanted to make this vision, so he did not... Maybe, is there something French about this movie we're not getting? I recently saw some movie that was like an Italian comedy. It was like the most depressing thing I'd ever seen. But I'm like, maybe if I'm Italian, I'd be like, ha, ha, ha. So like, maybe there's something. That's your impression of you as an Italian person? That's how you laugh when you're Italian? Cappuccino. And then you just say cappuccino? You as an Italian lady, ha, ha, ha, cappuccino. Really phenomenal acting. By the way, just to put a button on this, when the movie did come out, even though it made$225 million, the company that made the film, their stock dropped by 40%, and the CEO immediately stepped down.

39:57And killed himself. Oh. Oh, that's a shame. Oh, God, Doug, it's a prize. Doug, are you okay? Doug, have you gone into another dimension? His arm's in the box. Get his arm out of that box. This movie's going to make me sick tonight. I feel it. I feel that it's gotten into my veins. Did you feel like as you were watching it, you understood what was happening? Yes, and that was unfortunate. I was really hoping to have kind of a blackout experience like I've had with some of these films. But I could follow it enough that it really made me so much sicker. You've said they are traumatic experiences for you.

40:36Exactly. This one just makes me feel like vaguely nauseous And Italian? Yeah, and Italian There's a real Tauntaun feeling too When she slices him out of that web A Tauntaun? What a specific reference for me I feel like you just learned what a Tauntaun is That's what she slices open I have like a very vivid memory of being five In the movie theater Who slices? Somebody slices open a Tauntaun You said that's what she slices open, right? When Princess Leia does it or no? No, no, no Doesn't Luke? He slices it open, makes a home in it Han Solo, but yeah It was Han Solo who did that? He put Luke inside of it But by the way, you're very close Did you just call him Hans?

41:17Is his name really Hans Loolo? Oh, I thought they smelled bad on the outside John Luke Solo

41:30Oh my gosh, well I feel like we should talk to our audience, because they're here, and I'm sure they have a lot to say, because we've got to talk about Bob the Pirate, we've got to talk about the jellyfish head, we've got to talk... There's a lot to get into it here. So let's go out to our crowd right now, and let's see what they have to say. I'm going to come down here. Okay, who has something... Really think about it. Is your question good? You know, there are over 200 alien races in this film. So I'd like you to say your name and come up with an alien race name that could be in this movie in your question um name's brian uh the goobles great love it that was great if you said it with more confidence it would have been better okay remember guys be confident and have your questions on paper please have your glasses ready uh i i want to know your opinions or thoughts on the laurelian's and Valerian's indifference to their teammates.

42:30Remember at the beginning, they're getting off the desert planet and like ten people die and then they escape, leaving them behind and then Laureline just says, shoot, he ruined my dress. Yeah. That was pretty cold-blooded of them, right? Yeah, they have no regard for human life. No. But were those guys supposed to be dicks? Those guys on the bus? Well, they were wearing silly hats. That's true. At one point she does go, nice hat. And that hat never seems to have any reason at all. No. Nope, couldn't figure it out. Like, it doesn't do anything. All right, here we go, sir. It's like a Jolly Rancher on his head, a green Jolly Rancher.

43:06That would be amazing. Mike? Alien name. Alien name. Charismoids. Great. That was a good one. Clive Owen wipes out all life on this planet, covers up all record of it, and Laureline says she knows how the mule converter works because she learned about it in school. Oh, wow. Wow. we're peeling back the layers now well are are mule converters only on that planet? yes so how did she learn about that? or maybe they were more maybe she went to a progressive school no we found a loophole she went to a Waldorf school so they were very alternative stuff the land runs through a lot of holes in the plot if that doesn't make sense it's the only thing in the movie that doesn't I know, and I'm surprised he didn't cross that T.

43:56You really found that flaw. I really would have liked to see more of that little creature. I liked him. Yeah, I liked watching him, like, his face struggle as he pooped out whatever he ate. By the way, he eats the pearl willingly and then looks surprised when he starts shitting out all that stuff. It really is, like, the animal seems to be in distress. Yes. It is cruel to do what they're doing. Because the animal seems to then have like violent diarrhea. Sarah McLaughlin could watch those scenes. In another world, these are porgs. Like, I mean, imagine if we go see The Last Jedi, all the porgs do is just shit out like lightsaber crystals.

44:38I would believe it. Just like, just shitting out kyber crystals. All right, these people are from the balcony. They've come down with their questions. Your name, your alien race. That's some ambition. My name's Christina. My alien race is what is consentiazoid. Nice. And so at the very end, Valerian's like, I'm a soldier. I play by the rules when they're debating giving back the converter. But when in the entire movie has he actually played by the rules? Yeah. Yeah, and when, he never really seemed much to me to be a soldier. Like, he seems to be like a, you know, like a play by his own rules kind of guy.

45:27Like, at least Luke, right? He wants to figure out who his dad is, right? Go on. But he, like, he's like. Are you talking about Jean-Luc? Yeah, Jean-Luc. But there's, like, a dark force. he's like we gotta defeat this. There's a dark force? Yeah right? What is the dark? Who are they fighting? Who's who fighting? This guy. Valerian. They're fighting their own guy in charge. Yeah they're fighting Clive Owen. He turns out to be the bad guy. But like halfway through. But who is Valerian's dad? Is that what you're asking? Also here's what I want to know too. Like when they are doing the mission where the school bus people are bringing them to the big market.

46:11who are the school bus people? Exactly. Like, they are rebels, but in service of what fight? Exactly. I thought we were, at that point, these are like the good guys that are trying to overthrow some bad guys. But no, that's not true. And those guys got eaten by a dog, so who cares? Yeah. The space dog. Space dog. What about space dog's slow fall? I love that. I'm going back to my theory about why he couldn't take off his glasses. Sarah McLaughlin hates this movie. Her ads on Alpha Planet are amazing. And going back to why his hand was in that box, if he took off the glasses, though, they would shoot at the box, but he wouldn't get shot, right?

47:03Yes, he would. The glasses don't... Just so he could see where he's going. Oh, okay. So there is, like, so someone could kick you with the glasses off. Remember, he's, like, saying she's not wearing glasses and he is. And he's saying, hurry up, hurry up. Because he can see. Space dog, space dog. Right. But she wouldn't get hurt. She would not. But he would die? Correct. If you have your hand in that box. But it was just a hand in the box. Wouldn't just your hand die? No, because isn't he still? He, I believe, is still in the big market dimension. No, but if you take off the glasses. No, the glasses aren't...

47:40The glasses just like... Oh, boy. Oh! Can a nerd explain this? No, I get what you're saying. Because once they walk past that little thing, that entrance gate... We need a nerd to explain this, Paul. You are not fit for this. All right, sorry. I'm learning. All right, sir. Yes. Your name, your alien race, and your question. My name is Tim. I would say based on the number of women in his playlist, maybe a race called the Venereals. Oh! And then here's my question. So Rihanna is a specialized and arguably a one-of-a-kind exotic dancer. Jolly the Pimp is a pimp, but also the club promoter, musical accompaniment, and possibly the owner and proprietor of this club.

48:28Bubble performs her act for exactly one person who doesn't pay. How is this business profitable? Maybe that's why the economy is so bad. No more SAT questions, Tim. We're not doing math for you. If this movie leaves a train station at 2 o 'clock. Okay. The rent on the club is 74 ,000 cubits per month. I need scratch paper. How many dances? At least one organ was getting touched in there.

49:06All right, sir, your name, your alien race, and your question. Hi, my name's Steve. My alien race would be something like Snoozel or something weird. Snoozel. Just go, Steve, Snoozel. Okay, hi, I'm Steve. I'm a Snoozel. You don't have to be it. We're not asking you to be it. How do you say hi and Snoozel? You don't have to be it. You have to live it. Hasn't been living that snooze of life Snooze it up y 'all Alright, so like you said There's over 200 aliens in this movie And apparently the director, Jean-Luc Besson He wrote Make it so He wrote a 600 page book Detailing each one of these aliens What?

49:52Yes, according to IMDB And he made each one of the actors Read this book So they could alter their acting when interacting with a specific alien. And you did this for free. Did that pay off? Do you think it helped? Wait, Jessica, you also... Did that pay off how much? How much money do I have to pay? Is this another math question? No, no, no. Was it worth writing that book and making these actors read it? What do you think, Steve Snoozle? I think you know the answer, dum-dum. We're doing it on the podcast. Sit down.

50:29Jesus Christ don't ask questions you think we all know the answers to guys sir your name I want you to forcibly say your alien race and then your question Tim and Swamp Whaliken love it did they after they attacked the space UN did they make any effort to to save any of the other people's lives that got like i thought that too yeah no they're cold-blooded motherfuckers yeah are we to assume everybody else is just still in those jelly cocoons and do those jellies you die in that thing i don't think so you just stay asleep no i think you just it just puts you to sleep i'd love to get a nice nap in a jelly cocoon i just like i just like the idea that your husband comes home and you've covered yourself in jelly and you're just like trying to sleep on the bed And he's like, fuck yeah, my dreams have come true.

51:25By the way... Because he's covered in peanut butter? Yeah. Yeah. Then we wrestle a bunch? You guys wrestle on a bread bed? Yeah. Yeah. By the way... Hashtag jelly cocoons. Just living that type life. He puts in a breathing device. That was one thing, but then the breathing device opens, and then a little robot spider comes out. Nope. I love that. Don't like that. See, that's the stuff I liked in the movie. I agree. I loved every bit. There was cool stuff at play that I was like, oh, too bad. This movie, I was like, too bad there's cool components. I like elements of this. Fifth elements. I just wish that's Doug's joke.

52:06That's just, I was, ah, boy, this was a bummer. Your name, your alien race, and your question. I'm Sophia, the Jizzatars. I got real stuck on the JizzCon. The Jizzatars? I got stuck on the jizz gun. Like a guitar? No, like an avatar that's a jizz. You're talking about shooting jizz out of guns. I don't know. You said it and we take it. I'm honestly curious. How long in the movie did it take you to realize the plot? Because for me it was an hour and 40 minutes. I stopped it before I put all of it together. I'm still not sure of the plot. What the through line is. And then there was still 40 minutes left of the movie.

52:48When the movie ended, I was like, oh, well, okay, thank God. And then I looked 20 more minutes. Right. So how long? I was shocked. Can we talk about the ending? What is the ending? That last scene's amazing. They're just standing around talking, and then they kiss, pan out from the spaceship. The end. Yeah. What? So those K-trons kill everybody. Yes. And then where do the earwax people go? Where do the pearl people go? Why does nobody's gun but Valerians work against the K-tronks? The army guys are like, brrrr, and the K-tronks are like, nothing affects us. And he's just like, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

53:31And each one explodes every time. Well, it's in the six-inter-page novel. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, yeah, yeah. Welcome, Paul Scheer, back to the stage, everybody. Thank you, guys. It's real great. I like the scene where Valerian is hanging by a fishing pole that an alien is dangling him. And his solution is to shoot the alien in the face who will then let go of that pole. And then he will fall to his death. Instead, they just cut to the next thing that happens. This movie has the harshest cuts of all time. It literally goes from an alien princess dying in a collapse of her world to a hard cut of that funny on-the-beach sex scene.

54:17It's like, oh, I don't know how to feel. They just are like, ah, fuck it, we don't need to bridge it. And the whole thing is when she dies, she projects her soul into Valerian? Yeah. That seems kind of random. What the what? That's so dumb. There literally is a six-minute explanation of the entire plot with the last ten minutes of the movie. It's like, all right, stop. We'll explain it. So this end will have some meaning to you. And when he gets in Rihanna's body, he just really lets loose with his feelings for Laureline. He's like, yeah, I really like her. She doesn't like me, but I don't know if I can commit to her.

55:04I think that's my issue. Like, he has a full therapy session that was all done in ADR. Why also is it important for him to delete his playlist? Like, why does that matter? I think there must be sex videos, right? No, because she says, I should be the only woman. Right, right, right. I get it. But what I'm saying is, like, why is that such a demonstrable show of, like, I only care about you? Like, he's done all this stuff. That's right. It's like saying you would need to go and get rid of, kill all of your exes to be with me. Which I don't think is crazy. Wait, what? I don't think that's crazy.

55:45To have someone kill their exes? I don't want them to be living in this realm so that they can't contact you. That's a movie right there. You know? Yeah. If you want to commit to me, you have to kill all your exes. Yeah. So there's no way you can get back together with anybody. Exactly. It's called Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. We had an opinion about this movie, but there are people out there with a different opinion. It's now time for Second Opinions. Valerian in the sky. What girl would fuck this guy? He's full of smirks. He's just a jerk. Second Opinions. His gadgets do everything. Break through walls of interdimensional malls.

56:29Second Opinions. Second opinions

57:01Musen. And the title of the review is Miss Delevingne is Quite the Flower. Not only... Yuck. Now I will say this. In all my time in reading these, this is the first review that included a picture of Cara Delevingne. Alright, so this is how it goes. And it's not as creepy as all of that implies, but it goes a lovely film. This Dahan kid is cool. I dig his voice. The movie is imaginative. It reminds me of a 70s blaxploitation drama com. Which I don't think is a thing. It reminds me of none of those things. Yeah. Nothing about that. Great characters and casting. Visually it's stunning. It's grandiose.

57:53Great story. Aliens are super cool and believable. Alright. The Space Ranger tech suit that Valerian wears is really cool. I agree. There's a great sequence to showcase it that would appeal to all the gamers. And I was really impressed with this flick. And Cara Delevingne is one fine woman. Five stars. This is, let's see here. okay this is from Phoenix Phoenix Angel I love the movie I've always or for as long as I can remember believed in the possibility of us not being alone that there's life among us and beyond the stars oh so this is a documentary yes this movie I believe is a possibility of tomorrow mask is fiction to help expose what could be five stars conspiracy theory and the title is phenomenal movie must see for open minds if you're a gaia.com person you will like this I don't know what Gaia is a yoga website so that review is like yoga you like this other boring to this movie can you imagine so many pissed off yoga people being like why are we watching this yeah this fucking sucks um let's stretch mark chavez came in and really uh took took the haters to task don't believe the negative reviews they're from people who still have a luke skywalker captain kirk figurine in their office or better yet wear pajamas and underwear with darth vader on their crotch trust me this movie's great five stars I love that those people have those toys in their office on their Darth Vader on their crotch at least it's breathable and happy back on Doug brought to you by Mack Weldon breathable Darth Vader underwear for all you Valerian haters out there.

1:00:17Push the front, it makes the sound. This is one of my favorite reviews I've read in a while because it goes deep. This is by Wallace Guy. It says, Big reward for forgiving the flaws and going deeper. This is one of my favorite. You can say that about any piece of shit. This is one of my favorite movies of all time. I watched it for the first time a few days ago, and I've already seen it thrice. Not enough going on in Wallace's life. To trash Valerian is like expecting a poem to adhere to the structure of a proper essay. Introduction, content, conclusion, proper grammar, proper spelling, logical flow.

1:01:02A poem might have none of those but be a great poem. A poem requires little more than active engagement from your heart and bypasses the aspects of your mind. That's Valerian.

1:01:17There are two aspects of Valerian that stand out for me. Creativity and metaphors. I love the world that was created. And I see layer upon layer of really insightful metaphors and allegories. Whether or not those layers are there or I'm just making stuff up doesn't matter.

1:01:36But here's an example. The movie centers around an animal, a mute converter, which replicates whatever it eats. it's ambiguous exactly how it does this, but what I saw was an animal that poops out whatever it eats. I found the contrast between the high-value nature of what it was eating and the excrement nature of the replication absolutely hysterical. The metaphor of we poop what we eat being made cinematically explicit is profound. If you read... This guy takes some amazing shits every day. You know what? Thank God somebody is willing to put on film that which we know to be true. We poop what we eat.

1:02:21Finally, a filmmaker brave enough to document it on film. Watch it on the toilet and wake up. Because if you like the movie but are having trouble, I suggest that this movie is a good candidate for some herbal assistance. It might free you from the prison of mores. Five stars for Valerian. Wow. A really in-depth review. So just to give you a little bit of background, then we'll go to our final thoughts here. The movie got a 49 % on Rotten Tomatoes. 49? That's not bad. I would like to reiterate, the house got 17. Oh, which reminds me, just very quick, if everybody can be quiet. Alexa, please buy the house on Blu-ray DVD.

1:03:14Yes. Thank you. The top three movies of the last year, because this movie came out this year, are Rogue One, Beauty and the Beast, and Wonder Woman. And this movie came in 66, 66 of all the movies that came out in the last year. And it was beaten by Fast and the Furious and Return of Xander Cage. and it beat nothing that we talked about on the show. Final thoughts, everybody. Would you recommend this movie in the sense of why we do this show? To watch something that's interesting, good's bad, whatever you want to say about it. Would you recommend this movie? Jason? You know, here's what I'll say.

1:03:53If it's on TV, watch it. Until you're like, I don't care for this anymore. And then watch something else. I wouldn't say like... We exist in a world right now where you would have to buy it watch it if you're enjoying it yeah but i would and i wouldn't say like i wouldn't say rush out and buy it but if it was on like it was not like the usa network it came on sure yeah yeah well no because then there'd be commercials then there'd be commercials that would be like seven hours long okay but like if it's on hbo or something or on an airplane sure watch it like there is some really cool like sci-fi stuff you know like there's elements of this that are so interesting and so well executed that i think it's worth watching on a visual level but it is so not satisfying as a cumulative watch that i feel like check in and out on it and who cares is kind of my like clean your house and keep it on in the background yeah i i agree i think that the movie is like it i can't go on enough to say how great it looks for a movie that is you can tell it's completely CGI.

1:04:56Like they were never in any real location and it just looks great. Um, I just wish there was a different actors and plot, but, uh, yeah, Jessica, what do you think? I mean, uh, does this movie make me as sick as the other movies you've made me watch? I guess not. Um, I think if you're a fan of aliens, if you want to like, if you're like the kind of guy or girl, whoever wrote that thinks maybe there's other worlds out there. You want to see a variety of aliens. If you have dreams of having sex with an alien, I feel like this would be a good watch. You know, give you some ideas for your playlist, for your alien playlist.

1:05:40Why are you looking at me with your shit? I'm not trying to have sex with aliens. Maybe if you have like a fetish for getting covered in jelly or slime, this would be something that would be good for you. Otherwise, I think it's a pass. Do you like perfect eyebrows? Yeah, sure. Hers are pretty amazing. Good looking people. I would have liked a different bang on him. On that actor. I don't like a boyish bang. You'd like to bang on him differently? A boyish bangs on somebody I don't like. You can see him in the chair. Give me bangs. Yeah, give me bangs. Anyway. The good news for all of you is that Jean-Luc Besson has said that he is going to finance another movie.

1:06:26Really? Why doesn't it say Valerian will return at the end? It was supposed to be one of the trilogy, and I think it's doubling down on it. It will not be with those actors. There's no way they're going to sign on it. Can I ask an audience question, very quickly, just by applause? Is this a beloved property, this comic book? The comic book started in 1967 in France and ended in 2010. so it's been a very long running successful French comic that is known for being smart and funny and on every level like what sci-fi should be comments on society it's like very highly regarded sure so just like this movie Doug would you recommend this movie you saw it in the theater now that it's not in theaters anymore I agree with everybody here that it's a great coffee table movie that it looks great all the way through.

1:07:25The visuals are really good. But the monsters also feel a lot like we've seen them before. A lot of them. What was your favorite monster? Rihanna. Rihanna's... Her scene... Seek out her scene. Maybe it's available on YouTube. The scene where she performs. She keeps changing outfits and different sexy outfits, and it's pretty entertaining. I was all in for that just because, again, I think that she had some life to her as a performer. It was like, and even Ethan Hawke or Mark McGrath, whoever it is, like, I loved when the energy just came in. That's right. It's just like, oh, yeah, right. That's how these things work, these movies.

1:08:10Yeah, and I love how he gets murdered right in front of Bubble, and she's like, I don't want him to be mean to me anymore, and he's like, he's not going to. I think you're going to be all right now. He's fucking laying there dead. Yeah, they really kill people with reckless abandon. So I guess this movie is a solid, eh, maybe, to watch across the board. I give it 1 ,000 stars. Let's just go and talk. Doug, what do you have that you want to... You have obviously your amazing podcast, Doug Loves Movies. Doug Loves Movies is still going strong after 11 years. Wow. Wow. And it's really fun to see a live show.

1:08:51The show's out and about a bunch. It's always live all across the country. And we've got some shows coming up in L.A. too. And Jessica's going to be back on soon. I'm available. And Jason and Paul and June are always welcome. Love it. Tim can come on and sing a song. Tim is the best. Tim, come on and sing. Yeah, that was amazing. Be careful. Tim will show up. He lives here in L.A. I'm into it. I would love that. Just come up and sing a song, dude. Tim, the gauntlet has been thrown. Yeah. Let's see how many podcasts Tim can sing poorly on. Oh, I'm not being mean to Tim, everybody. You're being nice to music.

1:09:34Everybody's so sensitive. Don't be such a snoozel. But douglovesmovies.com for all the future dates. Perfect. Jessica? Well, we've got a new Womp-It-Up coming. Every week, hot and fresh. Much like a DiGiorno pizza that's not delivered to your door. I don't know when this is airing, but Jason's is the next one. Gutterballs comes back for his own episode. We really get into it. Don't you worry. And just to toot your horn here, in the end year of the best shows on TV, Playing House I see has been written up in so many great publications. That's so sweet. The New York Times, everything. Very exciting.

1:10:21Thank you so much. Yes, and please go watch season three. All the seasons are on iTunes and Amazon. And you can go Alexa by Playing House. That's right. Yeah. That's right. Jason, what do you want to talk about? I am on the TV show Big Mouth on Netflix. The best. It is an animated puberty-based comedy that is very dirty. It's super dirty and really funny. Yeah, if you're wondering if I get a pillow pregnant after I have sex with it, I do. If you're also wondering if that pillow has the voice of Kristen Bell, it does. And I would also like to plug something that I am not even remotely involved in, but it is The Marvelous Mrs.

1:11:06Maisel. It is on Amazon, and it is... You just told me about it. It's fantastic. So if you haven't watched it yet, go watch that. Very excited for that. I will plug The Disaster Artist, which we, Jason, June, and I, all have the ability to be in. And I think it's really, really good. We did a special episode about it here. But if you see it, make sure you stay until the very end of the credits, not just the beginning end credits, like until the credits are over, because there's a scene that you don't want to miss out on there. I messed up. I didn't wait for it. It's really good, too. I didn't think there'd be a fucking MCU scene at the end.

1:11:46I know. I was shocked that Loki was there. Loki comes to Tommy and goes, you gave birth to Rey. You have to save her. She's the last Jedi. So, definitely take that out. Now you've got to fuck this Porg. And the Porg will shit out Kyber crystals. Oh, actually, I want to plug one more thing. Yeah. Paul and I did another episode of the Chris Gethard Show

1:12:14it's honest to god I don't even know where to tell people to go watch it I think you can find it on the True TV app or you can find it you can buy it on Apple but you can find it just find the episode it's Chris Gethard's talk show Paul and I just did an episode we did an episode last year called Another Man's Trash I don't know what this one is called but here's the set up show us your pets Show us your pets actually, it is what it's called Chris Gethard leaves the show within the first 10 seconds And gives Paul and I One full hour of live television To control We had no prep time, we had no rehearsal We did not know what was happening until He walked off And they revealed it to us live We were live on television And if you think we didn't Fucking destroy that show Check it out if you can You can definitely watch the 5 minute clip reel of it which is on YouTube right now but it's really good.

1:13:07Chris gathered from the Jazz Singer episode. Thank you everybody! Thank you Los Angeles! Thank you for watching Valerian! We'll see you next time! Bye bye! PCAST! Get it!