ADHD in Women: I Made My Husband A Brain Manual (And It Changed Everything!)

17:26And you don't have that.

17:29P-A:Yeah. And again, like without knowing that about you, I would just wonder why can't we do this and why can't we go and have more like, you know, lunch on Saturday, dinner on Saturday and also do something on Sunday. But now I totally understand and that makes a tremendous amount of sense and and it's not to say that we don't do anything we are extremely busy and we we are extremely social but then i can understand that when we get home you just want to be quiet or in the car on the way back you might want to be quiet whereas i'd be inclined to want to debate and do all this stuff so now i can just internalize all of those not feedback but but kind of dot points that of how your brain operates and for me now i just understand whereas before i'd be like but but why are we not you know talking about it more Or why, you know.

18:12Doone Roisin:Yeah. I always think I'm like a battery. Like I just, sometimes I just run out of battery. I'm like, sweetie. I literally, I'm just like, cool. Like I've hit it. Like I can't talk anymore. See ya. Yeah. But that's still not at the finish. I'm not finished at this bucket yet. So the brain is always running bucket. This is what's obviously called masking. And then you're presenting a neurotypical version of yourself, which is exhausting in a way that's invisible to other people. And the result is that exhaustion at the end of a busy week is a neurologically deeper exhaustion than standard tiredness.

18:46Doone Roisin:And it's not comparable to the fatigue of someone without ADHD at the end of the week. So it is really that feeling of like a balloon that's deflated.

18:56P-A:Yeah, so interesting.

18:58Doone Roisin:This one is around, I guess, because of the podcast and having, you know, all the different social channels and kind of like managing my own inbox and DMs and the hundreds of requests I get daily, weekly, monthly across all the channels. High inbound volume is a significant drain. So for the ADHD brain, every incoming message, request, notification, question is processed as something requiring a response or an action. Whereas a neurotypical brain can easily triage and defer the ADHD brain is holding on to all of it. So I guess that's what I was talking about. You know, if Beck has something happening and she's told me about it, then it like lodges in my brain as part of my kind of things to do, tasks to do, even though it's hers.

19:46Doone Roisin:And so then when I layer in like, I guess like work plus social plus family plus, you know, each other, that kind of like inbound communication accumulates a cognitive load that is just constantly running in the background. And so for me, having like unread messages, that's just like permanently like, I've got to reply to that message, or I've got to read that message, or I've got to like go back to that DM. And so it's like all being held as a task, even though it's something that takes two seconds and it's super easy, but then it like adds up and stacks on. What does it say here? unread or anything that's been unaddressed creates a pressure in the brain.

20:30Doone Roisin:And it basically depletes the same reserves that are needed for relationships, creative work and clear thinking. So by the time a high inbound week is done, the capacity for anything else is just so low because your brain is treating just the inbound as like the same as like a heavy strategy session kind of thing. And then the result of that is that I'm often or I can get into a bit of a habit of being more like saying no to social things or saying no to like meeting up because I can't even like process the idea of having to then do another kind of social engagement because I'm so depleted. And then it's like not because of a lack of interest, but it's more because I just ran out a battery.

21:15P-A:So interesting.

21:17Doone Roisin:Scheduled plans cost energy even before they happen. We were talking about this the other day. I never really think too much about going overseas or like a holiday or a work trip or anything until the day of until I'm packing. Because to me, it's like so far in the future. If it's like next week, I'm like, yeah, but that's like on next week's list. I'm not even like able to like fully process it there. Like I know it's in my brain, but like there's a million things today to get through to even get to, you know, like Sunday, we're going overseas. And I haven't even, I don't know, overly thought about too much of it because that's on Sunday.

21:53Doone Roisin:And so what it was basically saying is that the brain begins preparing for upcoming events well in advance, but I've forced myself not to think about it because it's like, I've got too many other things before then that I can even get to. And so what's it saying? It just basically means like it draws on your energy before they even occur. But I think I'm not so bad at that one. But on a more kind of like week to week basis, when there's like a social dinner or, you know, an appointment or a deadline, I'll spend all day thinking about that thing and it's kind of like I need just full no day of nothing scheduled to just kind of like re-catch up.

22:36P-A:I think we're about to get to the good bits where again the thing that I've been incredibly guilty of which I think you're about to discover now.

22:43Doone Roisin:So the next one is unscheduled time is a neurological requirement. So days with no plans, no to-do list, no incoming demands. it's not downtime in the conventional sense. For an ADHD brain, it's the primary mechanism for deep recovery and reset. And so then without that unscheduled time that's regularly in the diary, the system just can't recover. The fatigue carries forward and it compounds week on week. And then that's what ends up leading to kind of burnout. And so if you think about having a house renovation or like work or if you had a family and you have all these different buckets like stacked on, stacked on, and you're just never getting time to kind of like disconnect and you're just permanently stacking, stacking, stacking, and your brain just never gets that rest.

23:31That is what leads to just being like, I'm just fully wiped, like I'm not getting out of bed.

23:42Doone Roisin:The neurotypical brain rests naturally when it's not in use, But the ADHD brain requires deliberate removal of all inputs and obligations to approach that same state. And so you have to protect those days and make sure that you maintain the conditions required for your brain to function well in the days that follow. Okay, this is one that's like really work focused. Too many roles fragment focus and output. The ADHD brain is capable of exceptional depth and quality of output, but only under the right conditions. One of those conditions is a manageable number of distinct responsibilities. When managing multiple roles simultaneously, like podcast, social media, sales, brand, product development, admin, customer service, content, and then like the other buckets of life, gym, personal admin, life admin, family, friends, hobbies, whatever else, the ADHD brain struggles to assign priority between them.

24:48Doone Roisin:So everything becomes, and I guess that's what we were saying at the start. It's like not being able to understand whether something should be the priority because my brain registers them all as the priority. So that's why I can go off in such a random tangent doing something that actually is like step 100 instead of the step now. everything in your brain registers as equally urgent which makes it neurologically difficult to go deep on a single thing the result is constant context switching unfinished loops scattered output growing sense of overwhelm despite significant effort being applied and it's not disorganization it's what happens to an adhd brain when the volume of responsibilities exceeds what the executive function system can effectively manage and prioritize.

25:38Doone Roisin:So the solution is not more effort. It's fewer, clearer responsibilities with explicit priorities. So the brain knows what to go deep on and what it can actually do well. And I think that's kind of like something I can also forget. If I don't have like a visual of something written down, I can forget that that's what was agreed upon like verbally and then again go in a different direction.

26:01P-A:Like massively. we would be doing your project and that historically was was something that i just couldn't understand i'd be like okay but we've just discussed that this is the objective we're going to do this is this and then for me you know you'd follow the course of action but for you that's not how it worked and you'd go and do one thing which would be probably as you said step 100 instead of step one and then i'd be like but and you've put so much effort there and i come back and be like but yeah but that doesn't we don't even care about this yet because that doesn't and so this i just used to not understand i'm not even sure what i was trying to do then but now at least i understand and i can be like okay well first let's write down the priorities what matters most and what needs to be done now we make the list we agree on that and then you go and you're like an absolute machine that just goes and ticks everything off and that's why you've seen like once you've got a clear defined role you can absolutely go through a huge number of tasks back to back you know 750 episodes that's insane when you think about it from reaching out to guests you know it's insane so that's been a very interesting thing for me that as a partner i can easily add value to your life whereas before i would try and help you solve whatever step 100 because i haven't i hadn't even paid attention really to what was the sequence as well and so i would also then help you solve that one thing that you were trying to do which in reality that one thing wasn't shifting the needle at all because of step 100 of you know 200 steps um so now that's been very interesting and of course uh with the with the latest tools this is where leveraging ai and all of this makes a tremendous uh difference because now you can physically ask what should i focus on and give me the next five steps or three steps not cool all the million step and now you can really and i see the speed at which you're able to go through things now it's sequenced in the right step or the right sequence.

27:57P-A:So that's really, I feel like that has made a big difference, mainly also for me to be like, why are you doing this? And now I understand it. And I can just recalibrate.

28:08Doone Roisin:Yeah, it's so interesting. The next one is new suggestions land as additional things, not like a swap. So one of the most important practical points for a partner to understand is that when a new idea or a task is suggested, the ADHD brain typically receives it as something adding to the existing load, not as a replacement for something else. And I guess there's a lot of talk often about kind of like, you know, emotional load and things that kind of get layered on. And for me, as someone that's a very literal person, I'm someone that's not very good at like sarcasm. I can come across as kind of gullible or like naive because someone will tell me something and I just like take that as gospel.

28:52Doone Roisin:And I'm like, but that's what that person said. Like, that's literally what you said or they said. And I take that as like truth. And then you and I have had to kind of understand that when you're saying something to me like, oh, you should do, you know, you should start a new channel over here or whatever. And then I go and spend a million hours doing that thing. But it was just a suggestion that I've taken really literally.

29:16P-A:Exactly.

29:17Doone Roisin:And I think that's where we've probably made a big shift in terms of you, like, especially with the house. Oh, we need to do this. We need to do this. Let's do this. Or like, let's talk about this. And for you, it's like dreaming and just kind of like talking out loud. Whereas for me, I'm instantly in like, okay, cool. If we need to get a new fence, then we're going to have to start with the research. And then we're going to have to figure out how we do it with the neighbors. And we're going to have to figure out what we actually like. And then I should do a mood board with pictures. And then I should like look into the pricing and then blah, blah, blah, but like actually this could be five years away of course of course yeah and this this feels like

29:50P-A:and and just after this it's gonna be interesting uh a point but uh but that for me has been probably the most important one because i used to just i thought it was fun to brainstorm and to add things and to say oh we should do this we should do that that was literally my favorite sentence but now i just understand that this just add an immense load on your brain and you know It's not that we don't talk about things, but I need to make it clear that this is not, hey, we're doing this for real. And the step after that is essentially what you lack is the ability to kind of compare this to the existing set of lists that you have.

30:34P-A:So, for example, let's say you're focusing on this. And I say, why don't we do this? like in way down the line you immediately instead of comparing to what you're currently focusing on and be like is that worth adding to the list or not you just immediately add it to the list and then put that at equal priority to everything else so that's why it's on my daily like and that's why you end up on on random tangents and stuff and so for me you know exactly defense is a perfect example all of this stuff and i'm like you know i'm i'm i'm i'm always thinking in my head oh so yeah when we put a third level and we do this and we'll do that and that's just for fun discussing about it but actually for you you take that literally and you just go on on this full deep research on how to do all of this stuff so i think as a partner to understand this it's just incredible first of all to understand that and and and if you read it further it literally gives an advice on what I should, how I should approach adding or suggestions.

31:36Doone Roisin:Yeah, I think it's like the practical kind of how I need to operate or how my brain needs to operate, which I think everyone should do one of these. You should do one of these and give it to me too. You should figure, you should observe yourself and your brain and your thoughts and then make me your brain operating manual. Without a doubt. Just on the topic of like when a new kind of project or a new loop gets started, especially if we haven't closed another loop, that's where I then get I end up becoming quite scattered because I'm not able to switch context. I'm not able to switch all these different buckets that we need to be thinking about.

32:13Doone Roisin:And then I'm like, but we haven't closed the loop over here. We're just constantly or it's the way that I describe it. We're just constantly opening new loops, which then is like the build up. But like to you, it's not a loop. It's not an open, active project. But for me, I'm like, okay, but how are we going to have time for all these things? Like, how are we going to have time for, I don't understand. But the practical reference is, and I think this is what's really interesting for anyone who maybe has ADHD or thinks they might have ADHD, but also just like, if you're fucking tired and you're exhausted and you're overwhelmed and you're burnt out and you're like, what the hell?

32:49Doone Roisin:Like, what are the immediate steps? so for me it's having protected unscheduled days where there's just nothing in the diary so when I open up my diary there's like nothing there I've got nothing on my to-do list I can kind of float and just like decide based on my mood which I've always been a mood-based planner like both of us quite mood-based when we're pretty non-committal but even just like the like if I have a little thing in my diary it kind of like means that that whole day is like well I've got stuff to do whereas I kind of like a bit more of like a magical go with the flow and being a productive person even like if it's a Sunday you know I'll love to like clean out a new cupboard or like change my wardrobe or get something that's on some list somewhere done but I don't like it having been like set in the diary the same way that the week has to be.

33:39Doone Roisin:So protecting the unscheduled days for non-negotiable recovery. Before adding anything else that's new, identify what it replaces or what the system is, like how you're going to operationalize it. And I think that's a great one for us because we've kind of embarked on this journey of being like, okay, let's reduce the different things that you're focused on, close down what needs to be closed down, pause, scrap, like whatever, push it to the side so that it's less loops, but then like a very clear kind of like clear projects that I'm working on, but also how they're systemized and like operationalized in the backend.

34:22Doone Roisin:And that's like, yes, it's business for sure, but it's also just, you know, changing the water filter or the humidifier or all these things that require more systems in place to like manage. Moving on. Offering to take decisions off the plate rather than adding more when capacity is low. And I guess that's like the classic, like, what do you want for dinner?

34:44P-A:And I'm like, I don't know.

34:46Doone Roisin:Like, let's think about it in the morning, not at the end of the day. There's no decisions here. Understand that scattered output means the plate is too full, not that effort is missing. So when it's kind of getting worse, it's like a sign of like, and I think actually what we've done really well recently, just to change thoughts here, what we've done really well is you sitting beside me and me showing you what it takes to do something and how long it actually takes. So you're really kind of clear on like something that might seem really easy or might seem really, you know, that it could be done quickly.

35:23Doone Roisin:But for me, it takes a really long time or it just actually takes a really long time and then being like oh okay so we need to reduce our expectations I think we've done a really good job of that recovery after enjoyable events so even if it's a social thing with like my favorite people and my favorite friends basically still having like downtime so that it's maybe also being an only child like raised an only child with a single mom in a lot of silence I'm someone who just does enjoy silence but with someone in the room or in the next room um and a short clear protected list of core responsibilities and it's not on here but i would say that for me i also need a visual like i need a diagram of what the system is that i'm focused on because i can or a very clear list like on a post-it because i'll forget like remember when I started singing lessons and I put post-its in every room, like on every mirror, so it would trigger the thing that I was meant to do, you know, in that room, like my exercises.

36:30P-A:That was a great idea.

36:32Doone Roisin:That's why I have a lot of alarms.

36:34P-A:No, but honestly, and again, this is like, you just see a tiny snapshot of the million hours of discussions on, you know, this topic and all the research that you've done. But essentially, this is just something that we've now embarked on is to try and understand ourselves better because that then derives pretty much everything if i understand how your brain works no first of all if you understand how your brain works you can then communicate with me about how your brain works which then means that i can operate within the range that i can be as as good as i can be because if i don't know again me coming down and and discussing about some fun little you know potential trip we could do in the middle of the day that sounds like a fun thing to me but for you it's not at all it's like a literally like how dare you disrupt my departure

37:22Doone Roisin:from like i'm deep in here and like now i've got to like switch all the way to this direction

37:27P-A:and it's like honestly it's like painful what's even worse is because it could be a task that isn't important right so for me i look and i'm like oh but you're only doing whatever the task is like it doesn't need you know it's not as if it distracts you from writing the most important pitch or you know email of your life it's like literally just the most basic of all tasks so for me without knowing that i would just be like but what do you mean like you could stop your unimportant task to indulge me in whatever fun topic i wanted to discuss but now that i understand this it gives me a framework that's significantly easier for me to you know wait until you're or ask hey whatever it may be and that i think has made a really big difference um so kind of embarking on this journey of understanding all all of the the different aspects of you know your brain your body which is going to be an interesting topic in future episodes um are we going to talk about my body no you're understanding your body um i was like i don't think so uh you're understanding you know how it worked and all of this stuff like obviously the last three years there's been a tremendous shift in how much better you feel within so that also you had to go on this this massive journey of figuring out why do I feel this way, why do I feel that way, etc, etc.

38:46P-A:So it just feels like it's a very interesting and cool journey that we embarked on. And this is reflected in the new guest that you're having, you know, understanding how the brain of an Olympian works, understanding directly from psychologists, and really kind of like going deep on understanding questions that maybe previously people hadn't really asked themselves. and even just the most basic question of all time what do you want most people don't even embark on that decision on that question which then of course that is pretty much the the underlying strategy for everything because if you optimize for the wrong thing i mean elon musk said the i don't know who said it but one of the worst thing an engineer can do is optimizing for something that shouldn't be there it feels like that's what we all do right we're like trying to optimize for this thing blah but actually maybe that thing shouldn't even be there in the first place or you shouldn't even try and do this um and that's for so many different things if you're like happiness you've got to understand what you actually truly desire and then you can go after this the classic example is hustling like crazy to make as much money as possible whereas maybe you'd just be happier in the countryside again just you know i've been really listening to the to the recent episode and that's what jem as beg was saying um and i was like yeah that's that's so true and we are embarking on this journey and now even business-wise because i'm deploying a bit more time uh on on fsc again just looking at everything we have and what is the objective what is the goal and are there some things that we don't need to put focus on now it might be again the sequence as i said there's like 20 different things we want to have and it's not that we don't want to have them in the future is which one do we need to do first so then we can do step number two so then we can do step number three so then we can do that so then we can finally um achieve all the different things that we do because for you your main goal is to protect your own uh you know like bandwidth and that is something you need to understand because before you know especially feel like we over the last 10 years spent our entire life surrounded by the hustle culture and it was just more more was the underlying theme and now i think we've understood that for you that that's not how you get the most out of it it's depth versus width and that's been something that we've done wrong and i think it's super cool that we're embarking on this journey which then you know leads to so many different things so yeah i think what do you what advice do you have for partners of neurodivergence people or you know what what's what do you think i guess it's just like

41:31Doone Roisin:it's for both sides it's like going back to the book the alan butane that that book it's like instead of getting frustrated with your partner first like look at yourself and try to like observe yourself and then kind of try to start there instead of like the shifting the focus to the other person being the problem because it's actually yourself like you know complaining or being frustrated or whatever it's that's actually an inner problem not a problem for the partner and so I think when you start like observing and then trying to understand why and the deeper problem or the thing that's causing you you know the feeling trying to figure out that first and then kind of bringing your partner along on the journey because you understand yourself better than I don't know your partner will understand yourself

42:23P-A:better and doing it for each other I mean it just feels like now if we look even if we just compare a few months ago life feels significantly lighter there's been a sequence of of things we've just done um which again that specific topic will be probably in in a in a different episode because that has been a momentous kind of like a shift and and sweetie um she's in my lap for anyone

42:53Doone Roisin:who is not watching this on youtube that's our dog sweetie by the way in case anyone's wondering um yeah i feel like what's so interesting about this whole thing is coming out the other side and just feeling a lot better, feeling a lot less burnt out, feeling a lot less like, I don't know, just like not stretched and being a bit more, yeah, lighter, lighter, happier, which of course then that feeds back into just being more productive, more like more energized by what you are doing because you've cut kind of all the things that are weighing you down.

43:35P-A:anyway i think this is going to be very interesting to see where this goes but uh but yeah i'm already excited for for the the next few ones where you describe maybe more on the practical standpoint what are some of the things you you've been doing recently that have had crazy you know impact on

43:51Doone Roisin:your life yeah i had actually an idea for anyone who's listening if you you know have a busy brain maybe you have abdhd maybe you don't but you're kind of like overwhelmed or burnt out or struggling to focus or whatever it might be. If you want to like email in a topic or email in some questions or email in some things that you want to know, I was thinking maybe that we could do a bit of a series based on our listeners.

44:19P-A:I mean, massively.

44:21Doone Roisin:I feel like that would be fun.

44:21P-A:Yeah, that's incredibly useful. And also because maybe you can give a bit more context. Now we are reaching out to brain doctors and, again, psychologists and all of this to also get to the cause of it instead of us just freestyling random thought or random strategy that we think. We just want to get the answer straight from the expert. And I think, again, the more questions the listeners have, the more we can ask to those experts and they can get the direct answer instead of having to wait. How many months have you had to wait to just see a psychologist to even be diagnosed? Okay, psychiatrist.

44:59P-A:So anyway, whatever.

45:01Doone Roisin:Actually, I think the law just changed in New South Wales. GPs can diagnose. Anyway, that's another story. I reckon that's the episode.

45:07P-A:Yep.

45:07Doone Roisin:Sweetie wants to get out of here.

45:09P-A:That's it. She's done.

45:10Doone Roisin:That's the part. Thanks. Bye. Bye.

45:16Hey, it's Dune here.

45:19Doone Roisin:Thanks for listening to this amazing episode of the Female Startup Club podcast. If you're a fan of the show and want even more of the good stuff, I'd recommend checking out femalestartupclub.com where you can subscribe to our free newsletter. We send it out weekly covering female founder business news, insights and learnings in D2C, and interesting business resources. And if you're a founder building an e-commerce brand, you can join our private network of entrepreneurs called Hype Club at femalestartupclub.com forward slash Hype Club. We have guests from the show joining us for intimate Ask Me Anythings, expert workshops, and a group of totally amazing, like-minded women building the future of D2C brands.

46:03Doone Roisin:As always, please do subscribe, rate and review the show, and post your favorite episodes to Instagram stories. I am beyond grateful when you do that.