Accept Your Parents’ Limits with Bruce Springsteen

0:00Did you know the average bottle of water contains 240 ,000 tiny particles of plastic? And with recent research finding microplastics in our bodies and our blood, it's time to pass on plastic and get a water filter that actually works. Say goodbye to microplastics in your family's drinking water with LifeStraw Home. It's the only water dispenser that filters over 30 contaminants, including bacteria, PFAS, and microplastics, while making your water taste better. And it has a stylish modern design that you'll want to show off on your counter or your fridge. I know we do. And because it holds 18 cups, you can fill cups, water bottles, and more without needing to refill all the time.

0:51We have a really active family, and water is a big part of our recovery. Knowing we could be exposing ourselves to microplastics is troubling, and it's also disheartening. That's why we take steps with eating cleaner, composting, and local sourcing to live a healthy lifestyle. Although we live near a good water source, we use our LifeStraw Home water filter all the time. Cooking, refilling bottles as we talked about, and everyday hydration. It really makes a difference. In addition, for every product sold, a child in need receives a year of safe water. More than 11 million have to date. Use code HIGHERGROUND for 25 % off of your first purchase of a Lifestraw home product at lifestraw.com.

1:41And say goodbye to microplastics forever. I loved my father deeply throughout my entire life. The last 10 years of his life, he was able to see my children. And we had one interaction that made the world of difference to me. I was, Patty and I were going to have our first son. And daddy came down and visited me one day, and we were living in Los Angeles. He just knocks on my door. He says, my dad, you know, doesn't tell me he's coming. Comes down from San Francisco. He comes in. He wants a beer. It's 11 in the morning. I give him a beer. I take one for myself. And he looks at me and says, hey, you know, you've really been very good to us.

2:29I says, yeah, probably. It's my pleasure. You know, it was, well, you got the house and I wasn't very good to you. He looks at me and I said, well, you did the best you could.

2:50This episode of IMO is brought to you by Progressive Insurance and Pine Salt. Well, I have the special honor of having one of my dear friends join me for this conversation. He needs no introduction because everybody knows this dude. 20-time Grammy winner, Hall of Fame, all that. The one and only Bruce Springsteen, thank you for being here and taking time off your tour. You're in the middle of touring. It is my pleasure. Yeah. Yeah. Last time I saw you was on stage in Barcelona. That's right. And you did an excellent job as a backup singer, may I say? Say that one more time, just for the record.

3:41You did an excellent job as a backup singer. That was the coolest. And tambourinist. I think I worked the tambourine pretty good. You did. That was a surreal experience, being on stage with you, singing our hearts out. That was a real, a lot of fun. And I told you about this. You play for three hours. What else can I do? You could do two. You could do, but you play for three hours nonstop. Yeah. Non-stop. I mean, you don't talk much. You sing through and move through the whole thing. It's incredible to watch you perform. We put the pedal to the metal from first note to last. Yeah, yeah. And blow everybody out of the water.

4:35And the other thing I love is just the diversity of your crowds. I mean, you've got folks in their 80s and 10-year-olds singing every note, every lyric. That's pretty, it's amazing, you know. And what can I say, with my best friends every night and been doing it for 50 years with the same guys. That's a magic act right there. You know, there's a little bit of magic, but there's a little bit of truth. and look, everybody knows you as the great Bruce Springsteen, but you are truly one of my favorite people as a person. Aw, kid, kid. You know, I mean, I say this behind your back. I say it to your wife, but, you know, you're just the real deal.

5:29You are a solid man, a solid human being. Thank you. I've seen you as a caring husband, as a loving father, and you just became a grandfather. That's right. You know? And you work at it, you know? I don't think it's magic. The loyalty that your fans and your band members show you, that's not magic. That's work because that's who you are. Yeah. If you want the stability and if you want the depth of those lifelong friendships and partnerships, you're not going to get it without working at it. When I was young, I said, oh, you know, I said, well, I got really good at playing the guitar. I should be great at being a partner for someone.

6:27And I realized, oh, wait a minute. I spent thousands of hours learning the guitar. And finally I realized, hey, I got to put the time in. And, you know, we got three great kids and Patty and I are both, you know, we came out of complicated families. And so you get the great reward of seeing your children unburdened by a lot of the toxicity that you had to work your way through. You know, what is your goal? Your goal is let me work my way through this so you won't have to. Let your sins be your own for your children. Let them have their own mistakes. Just don't make my mistakes over again. But that's a rare thing.

7:14I mean, it's rare that people don't pass their stuff on. And that's one of the things that, that's why I marvel at you and Patty and the work that you all have done, because you learned those lessons. You and Patty have been couple mentors for me and Barack for quite some time. Whoa, all right. Yeah, yeah. Watching you guys do the work, getting advice on how to keep those lines of communication open. You got two powerful people in you and Patty, your own powerhouses in your own right, and merging those lives together. For all those reasons, you were the perfect person to be here to discuss this wonderful question from one of our listeners.

8:11Her name is Alex. She's a 24-year-old woman. Right. And she, you know, is struggling with the relationship with the father. Right. But I think our listeners would love to hear some of your wisdom on the challenge that Alex is facing. So let's listen to the question. Hi, Michelle. My name is Alex. I'm 24 years old and I live in Oakland, California. My parents divorced when I was a young kid and I've always had kind of a complicated relationship with my dad. In middle school and high school, I saw my dad every week as part of the divorce schedule. But as an adult, his life is almost completely separate from mine.

8:56We talk on the phone kind of every couple of months, but I see him only every year or two. He remarried my stepmother while my sister and I were still pretty young. And now my dad and stepmom and two step-siblings are kind of their own family unit, while my sister and I really feel more like their cousins who get invited in only occasionally. My main issue with my dad is that I just really want him to visit me in Oakland. I've lived here for three years, and he's not come to see me once. I'd love him to meet my boyfriend and my friends and my cat and show him the life I've built for myself. He says he will, but he just doesn't come.

9:33I've told him directly how I want us to be more involved in each other's lives, but he does not reciprocate. What makes this hardest is that I love spending time with my dad. As much as he's hurt my feelings, when we're together, it's so easy. We love the same things, and he makes me feel like the smartest version of myself. When we argue, it's only over how I want him to give more of an effort. I'm worried that now that I'm an adult, we'll just grow further apart, and I kind of know he won't really be the parent I need him to be. So my question to you is, how do I move forward from this? How do you accept someone who you care so much about giving you less than what you need from them?

10:16Yeah. And I feel for Alex. But I think her question, unfortunately, there are a lot of young people, a lot of people who are struggling with this father dynamic. All over the, not just all over the country, all over the world. You know, kids trying to figure out how to build those relationships with fathers who aren't there, can't be there, choose not to be there. So I know that a lot of listeners can relate to where Alex is. But Bruce, why don't we just jump in? What do you think? This is a tough position to be in. And I kind of grew up with an absentee father. in the house. You know, my entire life was sort of waiting for him to shine on me in one way or another.

11:18Yeah, yeah. I didn't, when you're young, you don't realize that's, I don't think that's going to happen. He wasn't, he simply wasn't well enough. He was, my dad struggled with a lot of mental illness, and which we didn't know until, because it's the 50s. We didn't know until much later. But as a child, it was incredibly, incredibly painful. And she's only 24. And at 24, I was still struggling with all of this. But she's in an interesting position because she says that her father lights her up when they're together, but doesn't seem to want to take the full responsibility of a parent. You know, so you're sort of left between a rock and a hard place.

12:05You know, how do you accept someone you care about giving you less than what you need from them? Yeah. Is that a thing that you do? You know, I mean, I would tell Alex that it's not just her burden to bear. It's a tough thing trying to get a grown up to do what's right by a kid who's just developing. No, I think one of the most difficult things to do is realizing that relationships have their limits. Sometimes there are simply no great choices. We all want to love our parents. At the same time, there are irretrievable relationships. There are relationships that simply are not going to function.

12:56The thing that I found was helpful, even with my father's illness, and it sounds like she's done this, but it's worth reiterating that communicating honestly and directly as you can, too, with that person. When my father got very ill, he got lost. I had to go find him in Los Angeles, brought him back home. And the only thing I could tell him, I says, look, Dad, you know, you have to understand that mom needs you. I need you in my life. And I tried to be as directly as I could with my father in letting him know how important he was and just in my heart and in my soul, you know, and hope that he would be able to respond to that.

13:51And that's a brave thing. It's a bold thing to ask a kid to do. And I'd still see Alex at 24 as a kid. Yeah. Right? 24, you're a kid. You're still a kid. You're still a kid. And to be able to look someone that you look up to in the eye and tell them and admit to them that they've hurt you. Yeah. You know? And to even admit that need, right? Yeah. That's a vulnerable thing. That's a vulnerable position that Alex has to be mature enough to put herself in. That's right. But I think what you're saying is true that by doing that, even if it's tough, it's an unburdening for her so that at least she's on record.

14:38You know, as uncomfortable as it may make her feel, it's important for her well-being to have it stated plain and to not assume that he understands to say those words out loud that I need you and I'm hurt when you're not here. That's right. I know that it was valuable for me, and I think it helped my father understand his own value, which was a problem.

15:28attain, maintain, and build wealth through homeownership. For over 80 years, Progressive has led with the belief that insurance should do more than just protect. It should propel people forward. Their commitment to not only helping more first-generation homeowners stay protected, but also support communities through Progressive's down payment assistance program, the Up Payment Program, which will help drive real impact, making the dream of home ownership more attainable for everyone. You know, my wife Kelly and I are currently in the process of redoing our bathroom. We just started out and haven't done the demolition yet, but we know that this will add to the value of our house.

16:14So thank you, Progressive, for helping families plan ahead and for sponsoring our show. Visit progressive.com slash open the house to learn more. We're so thrilled that Pine Sol is a partner of IMO. Pine Sol has been connected to our family forever. To this day, whenever my sister and I catch the scent of Pine Sol, we automatically feel better about life. The smell of Pine Sol has always taken us back to our childhood home. It is amazing how smells can transport you to a place or a moment in time. Another smell that takes me back is cherry blossoms, which always remind me of visiting Michelle in D.C.

16:57That's why I'm excited for Pine Sol's newest scent, Cherry Blossom. The cleaning power you know and love from Pine Sol is available in a new scent this spring, Cherry Blossom, which is light and fresh and leaves a lasting floral scent while eliminating tough dirt, grease, and grime. You can use Pine Sol Cherry Blossom Multi-Surface Cleaner to help deodorize and clean hard, non-porous surfaces, including floors, sinks, counters, stoves, bathtubs, shower stalls, tile, and more. Visit pinesol.com to find where to shop Pine Sol Multi-Surface Cleaner in the new Fresh Cherry Blossom scent. Taraji P.

17:44Henson was one of the best guests we've had so far on IMO. We had such a great time with her, and the episode really resonated with folks. Tyler Perry is another friend of the podcast, and Taraji stars in his new movie, Straw, as a single mom just trying to survive the day. until that day turns into a nightmare. It's a high-stakes thriller that hits hard and won't let go. With Sherry Shepard and Tiana Taylor alongside her, witness what happens when survival means standing together. Watch Straw now, only on Netflix.

18:29Really, you have to lay it out there? And in doing so, she's showing more maturity than her dad. And make an effort to understand, well, he remarried, he has another family. You can look at, like your previous family is a failed family in some way. And that can bring a lot of guilt, a lot of your own sense of failure. And he needs the maturity to understand that she has this beautiful daughter. And you don't just get to walk away. No, you got to be accountable. Once you signed your name on the dotted line. You said you used the term when you described your father as he was absentee in the home.

19:21They're the people who just disappear. They don't show up, but you make a point that there's also an absence that can be felt when people are there. Yeah. And that can be just as painful. People write you out of the picture using a variety of devices. One was, in my case, my dad was quite a drinker, you know, and that took up a lot of his time. He was busy doing that a lot. Yeah, yeah. And one of the things that Patti taught me was she says, listen, you can't just be here. You've got to be present. I used to think, well, wait a minute. I've got a song to write. I'm singing these great thoughts.

20:06Come on. You're going to get in the way of my great thoughts. And I learned that, well, if you've got a good song, it'll be there tomorrow. You know, but the kids, they're going to be gone. They're not going to be there tomorrow. You know, that relatively quickly, they rush through your life. And even if you remain close to them, they're out the door and they're leading their own lives now. I always remember I had a discussion with my oldest son at one point where I felt that I had taught him. Like if I asked him to do something, I had signaled him that I wanted him to say no. If I asked you to do something, you know, it's always, well, maybe later, Dad, or maybe this.

20:58I think I taught you to do that. You mean just spending time together? That's right. That's right. So he started playing back for you the response. That's right. Be unavailable. That's right. This is what we do. Dad wants to play ball. Well, this is what my dad says. Maybe later. So I realized that parenting is pennies in the bank. It's that time when you were working and you didn't want to stop, but you did. That made a huge difference to me. Because if I'd have failed, I always felt if I'd have failed with my kids, I would have failed tremendously in life. I like what you said that parenting is pennies in the bank.

21:48And that just resonates because I think of, you know, I think of my upbringing and I've talked about it a lot. You know, we were working class, poor working class family. The father was a city worker. He did not make a lot of money. He did not have a title. He was not famous. He wouldn't be on a regular schedule. We could go for a week and not see him because he was working a shift. But when he was present, he was present in very small but meaningful ways. That's wonderful. Something as simple, you know, I recall like the special treat before dinner if he was there or after dinner was that we get him to play a game.

22:36Yeah. Any kind of game, you know, a tickle game, a card game. And it just felt like such a treat that this big, important man who had all this responsibility got on the floor and played with us. Yeah. He delighted in our presence. Yeah, that's wonderful. You know, and what I tell a lot of parents is that a lot of times we work for money and things because, especially if you're poor, you think, well, if I could give my kids more, we could live in a bigger house. If I could put them in the best schools, if I could give them the nicest sneakers, right? Right. That that is going to replace it. But it's the pennies in the bank that matter.

23:29And everybody's got some pennies. Kids don't need the stuff. They just want the pennies. Very important. And I think a lot of men lose sight of the fact that a lot of what they're working towards is just their goals and ambition. you know and I think men should have that I think everyone men women people have to have their own lives and their own ambitions but have it and say that's for you but your kids they just want pennies they want the pennies they really do they do you're never too poor to be a father no to give you know time and attention you know artists It's the worst. The worst. So self-involved.

24:20Yeah. Oh, my God. You get so caught up in your own inner world because that's where you sought refuge. When things weren't working out when you were younger, you sought refuge in this inner world. I think the point you're making is that it's easy to get lost in the grandeur of your life. Exactly. Of yourself. Of yourself. I had to deal with a lot of the grandeur of myself. Yeah.

24:54You know, because that's the thing everybody's taught to pursue, you know? It's like that's the brass ring. And that's why parenting is a group sport. Big time. And I think Barack is just like you, is a tremendous father, doing it in a lot of grandeur, right? Yeah, you're the commander in chief of the United States of America. And so finding that balance of, you know, when you've got the nuclear code in your grasp and world leaders calling you and big, important, heavy decisions coming at you every day and valets and aides and on and on and security. and, oh, it's just all grandeur. Trying to wipe all that stuff away and leave it at the door before you enter, before he would enter the residence of the White House to sit at a dinner table with his two daughters and only talk about them.

26:04Right. It was important for both of us, for me and Barack, to carve out that time in those eight years when our girls were in their formative years. You know, they lived long, Malia and Sasha in the White House, and they've lived in any house. That's amazing. They were formed in that house and around that table in that residence. And it took a mighty effort to leave the grandeur at the door and to just be there and talk about fifth grade. Yeah. And, you know. Even in my job, you know, it's like, hey, you're on the road, you're king. You go, oh, hey, you're the chauffeur. And making that transition can be funny.

26:50And everybody has some version of that, you know, that you need to transition into your domestic life and to be able to transition into your domestic life and to understand who you are there and to identify it. I know in my case, I had a hard time dealing with domesticity, period. What do you mean by that? I was such a spoiled child. Even though we grew up lower middle class, working class. You were adored. Yeah, period. I would say artists are all the same. One person tells them they're the second coming of the baby Jesus. The other person tells them they're not worth a dime, and they believe both of them.

27:38And it sets up a dynamic that puts the fire in the furnace, you know, for the rest of your life. But in Alex's case, it's very difficult. I think she has to find out if her relationship with her father is truly retrievable, if he can respond to her needs. And he's got to step up and be accountable.

28:09This episode of IMO is brought to you by Theraflu. Hey, it's Craig Robinson here. And let me tell you, being sick is no joke. But you know what's even tougher? Feeling like you can't take the time to rest and recover because you've got bills to pay or a job to keep. You know, being a coach, even though I was afforded paid sick time, it was the type of job that you really try and muscle through for your team. And I have done that. It made me realize, though, that it is tough for folks who don't have the benefit of paid sick time. It's not only tough on the individual and their families, it's also tough on your coworkers.

28:51Maybe you, like so many Americans, have felt that stress too, wondering what your boss will think or if your paycheck will take a hit. That's why I'm proud to talk about what Theraflu is doing with their Right to Rest and Recover campaign. For the past four years, they've been championing the right to pay six times for everyone. I love that Theraflu is making this a priority. Learn more or help someone apply for the fund at theraflu.com slash right to recover. This episode of IMO is brought to you by Indeed. Let's be real. Getting a better job shouldn't depend on a humble brag or having a stacked network.

29:35It should be about what you know, not who you know. That's what's so great about Indeed Profile. It matches you with better work based on your skills and experience. Once you're on the court, it's all about the work you've put in. There's no coach there to help you. There's no parent there to help you. It's very similar to being recruited. Once a coach sees you play, that's one thing. The people who've helped you get there aren't going to be there to help you perform. It's all about what you do once you get there. Whether it's on the court or your Indeed profile, it's about showing what you're made of to find better opportunities.

30:17Plus, when you add your skills to your Indeed profile, you're twice as likely to hear from hiring managers. Update your Indeed profile and start finding better work today. This episode of IMO is brought to you by Cologuard, a non-invasive colon cancer screening test. As it stands, colon cancer is on the rise in people under 50, which is why the American Cancer Society recommends that if you're at average risk, you begin screening at 45. Even if you live a healthy lifestyle and don't have symptoms, no one is at low risk for colon cancer. We want to make sure our listeners know that colon cancer can be treatable in 9 out of 10 people.

31:02But the key here is that it has to be caught early. With the Coligard test, you can take control of your colon cancer screening through a prescription-based test with none of the prep that's required of a colonoscopy. Not only is the Coligard test effective for colon cancer screening, but it can even detect pre-cancer. And in addition to its convenience, the Coligard test is also affordable. Most insured patients find they pay nothing out of pocket. With zero downtime, no special preparation, and a screening test that's delivered right to your door, don't let your health take a backseat. So if you're 45 or older and at average risk, ask your healthcare provider about screening for colon cancer with the Coligard test.