"Barack Is My Home" with Oprah Winfrey

0:00The Light Podcast is presented by Starbucks and Intuit. Wow. Oh my goodness. So I know all of you have been at some point in your life to an event where the host is standing there before you and says, we have our guest this evening who needs no introduction. And then they spend the next 20 minutes telling you everything that person did since they was born. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. Because I know you already know who's here. I'm here for the same reason you are. To get some of that light she's carrying.

0:54So, the woman who needs no introduction for real. Our forever first lady, Michelle Obama. Hi, everyone, and welcome to The Light Podcast. I'm Michelle Obama. If we're trying to get through a tough stretch, whether that's a couple of days or a couple of years, one of the most important tools we've got is other people. And it's easy to think that friendships or relationships follow a simple formula. The more you see someone or talk with them or text with them, the harder you can lean on them. But my experience with my father tells me otherwise. My father passed away 32 years ago, and sadly I've lived most of my life without him.

1:47But the depth of that relationship, the wisdom he passed on to me, the confidence he instilled in me, the moral compass he steadied me with, those things are still embedded in me and I draw on them every single day. He did it all in less time than either of us wish we had together. I think we all wish we had more time with those we love, whether they're across the country or sleeping in the same bed with us at night. So what I want to talk about are the ingredients that make relationships endure. How can we foster connections that last. And who better to join me for this episode than the queen of fostering human connection, Oprah Winfrey.

2:37Oprah and I have known each other since the day she showed up on my doorstep when Barack was running for Senate. In the time since, she's become a friend, a mentor, a guide. She constantly encourages me to use my voice, my light, to help others find theirs. As you will hear in this episode, she always, always delivers. My goodness! Woo! Woo! Wow. Can you, I have to say, the people came to see you. Well, I think it was a pretty big added bonus that we got Miss Oprah Winfrey here too. I have to just say this. Every other moderator was so glad that they weren't following you. It's so interesting because I've been watching you on Instagram, and people have been sending me, oh, my gosh, you should see what Conan did.

3:44You should see what Tracy Ellis Ross did. You should see what Gail did. Did you see Tyler? Did you see Ellen? And so I was feeling kind of like, oh, my God. Was your fearful mind kicking in? My fearful mind. See, even Oprah Winfrey has a fearful mind. You know? And I actually... You know what happened? I thought, okay, I'm going to go back to the toolbox. Exactly. You know how to do this. I know how to do an interview. I know how to do an interview. I'm not scared of the people. So here we are. Yes. Thank you for being here, my dear, dear friend. Thank you. I love you so much. I love you too. I appreciate you so much.

4:24saying back at you what you stand for. I want to know where were you and what was going on when you first realized this here is serious and we're not going nowhere. Yeah, yeah. You know, interestingly enough, I was on the road becoming, the tour had just finished. We took some time off and I was on the road doing a couple of speaking engagements. And I was in Las Vegas because I also coupled those engagements with a celebration with my team to thank them for the hard work they had done on the tour. So this is March 2020. This is March. And there was still buzz about COVID in the air, but, you know, it's sort of back and forth.

5:11What is this? So we're in Las Vegas and that's when there was a slow wave of cancellations. You remember that ripple effect because people didn't know what to do. Correct. You know, Companies were making split decisions, and so we're stuck in Vegas watching the world slowly turn off. That's what it felt like. Events started being canceled, and we're in Vegas. Slowly, the casino started to empty out. The streets in Las Vegas started to empty. It felt like we were in a ghost town. Did you think you needed to get home? Oh, yeah. We were trying to be responsible and wait until the last event canceled.

5:51Right. And then finally they canceled it. We got back on the plane, got home. So that felt eerie being out there on the road when slowly the world was shutting off. We really weren't sure. Yeah, we weren't sure about it. Everybody was just using hand sanitizer. That's right. That's right. Washing off their groceries. Washing off the groceries. Yes. Yeah. That was that phase. Yes. And then I was worried about the girls because they were still at school. And I'm thinking, my babies are out there with the COVID. And I was hoping that the universities were going to be responsible. And then finally, the decision was made that they were coming home.

6:33But then I was thinking, oh, my God, they're coming to my house. You know, I was thinking, they're going through airports and sitting on airplanes. So Barack and I cautioned them to wear masks. And when they got home, I made them stay in the garage. and open all their stuff up. I was going to make them stay out there. I told them to take off their travel clothes. I mean, we didn't know what was going on. My husband thought I was being a little irrational. But I was like, we're trying to... We didn't know, you know? That was not irrational, honey. Stedman was in the guest house for 14 days. I remember...

7:15That was during the 14-day period. See, now, Malia and Sasha, at least I let you come in the house. But we were preparing to create a COVID safe community. And since they had traveled, we were kind of holding our breath, making sure they didn't bring any virus home. Of course. So we didn't know how long to wait, what was the incubation period. So we instituted a set of common sense protocol in our household. We had a COVID community, everybody that was managing in the same way. We were masked. we you know sanitized we continued to have a small community of people but we socialized outside six feet apart because barack was like this you know it is a virus and if we keep ourselves clean he he knew enough to know what this was so it was scary but we had information um what was scary so you were comfortably afraid we were comfortably afraid what was as you talk about in the book being comfortably afraid.

8:20That's right. We talk about scary. Yeah. But what scared me, Oprah, was watching the confusion in the world, the mixed messages, the inconsistency, the lack of leadership, the lack of a plan, you know, watching people not take this seriously, you know, people treating the pandemic like it was an extended vacation, people arguing about wearing masks, watching kids partying on the beach in Florida. That was scary because I'm thinking all those kids are going to go home to a grandparent or somebody with an autoimmune disease and it is going to be catastrophic. That was the thing that scared me. Watching disinformation, that's scary.

9:04You know, because watching people attack scientists and the experts who were trying to steer us towards something. And just that was the frightening part of it for me, watching the world not deal with this well. So before reading The Light We Carry, I was feeling, and I know so many of you were feeling this too, because we have all these conversations about how bad things are when we were with our friends. And I think a lot of us were feeling like you felt before you wrote it, that there are so many massive problems. There's so many things that need to be overcome. And it feels like that there's a conspiracy of craziness going on out here.

9:48So how do we get back to trust? Yeah. Trusting our government, trusting each other. Yeah. In a way that doesn't make us feel numbed and tired all the time. Yeah, I think we can't underestimate what quarantine did to exacerbate that because we were isolated from each other physically. And while to some that felt good, it's like, whew, I'm so tired of people, right? I think we need to be with each other. you know we we really do i think it you know when we gather and we mix our um togetherness you know it we feel better you know we feel better better just being here tonight don't you feel better and we haven't been able to do that i always say it's harder to hate up close and we have been isolated from each other we're just hearing about each other from the news and from our feeds.

10:57And my experience with this country is that it's a distortion of the truth of who we are. I have traveled all around this country in communities of all different races and socioeconomic backgrounds and political affiliations. And people have, across the board, been kind and decent to me, to my family. Once they get to know us, they may not agree, but we are not the people that we see on TV. And I just want us to remember that, that we do not, we should never fear each other. Everyone, there are the outliers of people who are struggling deeply, but the vast majority of people are like Toot and Gramps and mom and dad.

11:45They are hardworking, honest, decent people who are not entitled, who are grateful, who are proud Americans who are willing to work hard, who tell the truth. That's who our country is. And but we have to have leaders that reflect that back. You know, it is dangerous when our leadership says something different. My parents were really good at unconditional love, right? This is my big brother, Craig. So they just made us feel like our house and our home was the best place to be, the safest place to be. You could talk about anything you want. They never said, it's because I said so. Right. They always explain their decisions.

12:38And my mom was really good for saying, I don't know the answer to that, but I'm going to find out the answer. and then I'm going to give it to you. If you ever asked her a question, they caught her off guard, right? I don't think many parents did that then, and I don't think many parents do that now. I get the feel of people who sort of avoid those kind of interactions with their kids, the hard interactions. Oprah and I will be right back in a minute.

13:08Here's more of my conversation with Oprah. Can you finish this sentence? I still hear my father's voice. Whenever. I mean, it's as deep as like whenever. His voice is ringing through my head. His voice was, you know, with me on my first day at Princeton, you know, settling myself into this bastion of elitism. You know, he was with me on my first day at my law firm. and even after he died, he still was there walking me down the aisle because he was the model. He helped model for me the man I should have. So I was able to see Barack. I was able to see him see past all the external stuff and the external stuff was really pretty good ladies.

13:59But But I could see what was important to look for in a man. He's with me now. He is with me on this stage. He is what I tap into when I'm trying to speak some truth to people and show my authenticity and my vulnerability. He is there whenever. I love that you said that he helped you in many ways to be able to see what you needed to see in Barack Obama. Can we talk about your husband for a minute? Oh, yes, please. Yes, please. People have tried to capture your love story. They've tried to capture the love story. They've tried to. They've made the movie, the drama movie. they did the series on the first lady they did trying but they can't get it they cannot get it but you summed it up so completely in just one sentence that was so powerful that when i read it it actually stopped me and made my eyes water you remember what the sentence was no what was it well i don't know what sentence made you weep okay the sentence you were talking about you've lived many places and oh and and barack barack is my home yes barack is my home is my home barack is my home yes he is now go home and see if you can ask yourself that question about the person you with you so silly are they your home and i appreciate how you break it down to us that first trip to hawaii because when you first arrived in hawaii you were looking for and i understand why you're working woman and had never been to hawaii so yeah you're looking for the hawaiian hawaii 5-0 yeah those of you remember that show my ties my ties and honeymoon sun beach and honeymoon suites but instead yeah Instead, it was a trip home to visit his family.

16:16That's where he was from. He wasn't going back to some island vacation. He was going back to be with his people. But I was young, and it was cold in Chicago, and I thought, I'm going to Hawaii with my man. It's going to be so romantic. And then we landed, and we went straight to Tootin' Graham's apartment. No ocean. It was a high-rise building. Go up to the 10th floor, walk in. And looks like my grandparents' house. Might as well be on the south side of Chicago. Which was a wonderful thing, right? To know that I saw his, I was familiar with his family, right? Then we cuddle up. What's on the TV?

16:5760 minutes. And, you know, they pull out some TV trays. And I think we probably had tuna sandwiches with sweet pickles. I was like, yes, I do like this. But then some days you would go to the beach. And then I love the moment where he says, okay, got to go. We're going back to Tootin' Gramps. Going back to the house, yes. So I was young and silly, and I started feeling like, I don't know if I like this. It's not as romantic as I thought. Although I didn't act like that. So my mother knows. I did not act like some little spoiled person. But you are thinking, where is the Hawaii from Hawaii Five-0?

17:32Yeah, exactly. But I conclude the story by saying that, you know, what Barack was showing me was the real of him. And sometimes as people looking for partners, we're looking for what we think are Mai Tais and sunsets. And what we need is somebody who respects and loves their family and is going to show up for them again and again. That's what they're showing you. And Barack valued the time that he had with his family. It was nice to go to the beach, but being there for his mother and his grandmother, his little sister, helping them work through their stuff. He was the rock of their family. And let me just tell you, he always shows up for me and the girls in that same way.

18:16He is present and there when we need him. And that's what he was showing me in Hawaii when I was trying to get to the beach. I think what we all so appreciate in both Becoming and also in The Light We Carry is how you are so candid about your relationship, about your life and how everything is not perfect. You say it took some time and a lot of practice for you all to work through your disagreement. So what's your style? You talk about your style and his style. Yeah. You know, I've said this to him. I've said this before. One of the things that's different in how we show love is that because his family lived far away and traveled a lot he had to learn to love at a distance you know and that means there are more words said more love exchanged more physical you know i love you yeah i love you i love you love you too love you too you know um i grew up with everybody like within eight blocks of each other you know all my aunts and uncles and great uncles and cousins and you know everybody a celebrated birthday.

19:28So we were with each other every weekend, twice a weekend. We were always together. So it was like, bye. I don't have to tell you I love you because I'm going to see you Saturday, right? So love for me was showing up. You know, it was like, yeah, yeah. Stop kissing me. Just do the laundry. You know, I mean, and so, and we also are temperamentally different, you know. guess what I am? Kind of hot-headed, you know, talkative, easy to get mad. It's like, what? And Barack wants to talk rationally. And I'm like, rational? Rational? Don't come to me with sense. I'm angry. Don't come to me with your three bullet points.

20:10You better get out of here and let me cool down. I don't hear none of that reason. I believe more of us have to be honest about the work that it takes to build a life with another person. To me, it doesn't seem like it's that controversial, you know? I mean... What's controversial is somebody of your stature being this honest about it. That's exactly right, you know? It's like, oh, hashtag relationship goals, and I'm like, I was mad at him in that picture. Not only that.

20:45So what for you is romantic now? What do you consider romantic? Romantic is I love when my husband plans something, right? Because it is hard to plan when you are the president or the former president, right? So if he can surprise me with all, and he gets so pleased with himself when he pulls something off, right? And our 30th honeymoon was probably the latest romantic thing that he did because he recreated our honeymoon, which was driving along the Pacific coast. When we were married, first married, we started in San Francisco, rented a car, drove all the way down through Big Sur, stopped and saw the Redwoods and went through Santa Barbara and then ended in LA.

21:33And it was just the two of us. And he created that. Now, it wasn't just the two of us because we were in a motorcade and we had our agents and three cars behind. They're like 12 people in the back, you know, trying to hide. It's changed. But everyone was excited. All of his agents were like, we're going on a walk next. And they were trying to lay back and all our aides. We traveled with a crowd, you know. But he planned it. It was romantic. It was very, very sweet. Oprah and I will be right back in a minute.

22:16So in Becoming, you told us so much about, you know, the years when he was away and those years, I think, when you were feeling badly in the relationship, in the marriage. Has it changed now that he's home? all the wives are like hmm has it changed? is he a different kind of husband now than he was in all those years with all the pressure? I think he's been pretty consistent I've grown, I've changed I've learned that over these years I have to make me happy it goes back to the lessons from my father he's not responsible for my happiness he loves me he cares about me but most of my unhappiness had to do with choices I was making like I had to be the perfect mother I had to do everything right I had to hold down a job and make sure that the I was holding myself to a standard that was stressful for me um and also impossible and and absolutely impossible because you can have it all perhaps, but you can't have it all at the same time.

23:31Let us say that again. You can, you say it. You can have it all, but not at the same time. You really can't, you know, that whole, no, it is impossible, especially if you want to be a good parent, you know, and spend any time with your kids. It's, it's a, it's a, it's a tough balancing act. I really appreciate it in the light we carry when you talked about how you recognized and Barack recognized that you couldn't be everything for each other. And that's why your kitchen table of friends is so important. And as you say, has helped to take the pressure off of your marriage. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

24:13Tell us about that kitchen table. You know, all right. I'm going to tell the story of when you met my kitchen table. Can I tell that story? It's not in the book, but Oprah kindly hosted my 50th birthday party. It was your 50th. Not just your 50th. See, I wasn't going to tell that story. I didn't know I could tell that story. Okay. So you said yes before you knew I was talking about it. No, I know you, I want you to talk about what I was going to, I was going to a moment ago say, Barack Obama, President of the United States, called me to ask me, would I host? And at the end of the conversation, he says, make sure you note that I'm the one making this call.

24:59I'm the one that told you to arrange all this. So I'm the one that made the call. I didn't have an assistant call you. So when you were telling that story, I thought, oh, that's why he said that because I'm the one that's making this call. That's right. So we're coming to stay with you, graciously hosting us. And you said, bring your friends. And I was like, okay. And she's like, how many people? I said, well, it's like 12. 12. And you're like, what'd you say? You were like, you don't have 12 good friends. I did. I was like, I do. I do. I'm not, I'm not trying to 12 good friends. I do. And Oprah was like, I got Gail.

25:39And what I said was like... The only person I know with 12 good friends was Jesus and the disciples. That's the only person I know. But then you met... And then one of them betrayed him. Okay. But then you met my kitchen table. Yes. And you saw that I collect and keep my friends throughout life, you know. So I've got my roommate from college. I've got my best friend from law school. I've got the moms who, you know, helped me in Chicago. We were like a unit. We raised our kids together. Some of those kids are here tonight. You know, they are like my children. I had a whole new set of mom friends and women in Washington, D.C.

26:28who could understand that life. A couple who were married to people in Barack's administration. And when you're in that world, you need someone who understands that plight. They were my ride or dies. So I tend to collect people throughout life and keep them because it's like different people bring different things to my life. But the bottom line is that I call it my kitchen table because the kitchen table in our home was always the place where we felt safe. You know, we'd come in as little kids from the woes of the playground and the, you know, give and take of the neighborhood and complaining about a teacher or some unfairness.

27:17And you could always let it out at the kitchen table. You felt safe and seen. It was probably the first table where I felt seen by my mother and father who loved to hear our stories and our voices. But you always got rejuvenated at that table. You know, you could let out the insults and the slights and yell and scream and get that out your system so that you could get yourself together and go back out there like you had some sense, you know. So my kitchen table is that for me, you know, and not there are so many different aspects to my life. You know, I've had so many different facets from motherhood to professionalism and on and on and on that that table has just gotten bigger and bigger.

28:02I love the beginning of the book. You have this poem by Alberto Rios that says, if someone in your family tree was trouble, a hundred were not. The bad do not win, not finally, no matter how loud they are. We simply would not be here if that were so. A simple truth. So that brings us to the phrase that has become synonymous with your name, When they go low, we go high. We go high. And you say that going high usually involves taking a pause before you react to anything. Correct? Absolutely. Okay. So what has happened recently in your life or in the country that you had to step back and say, let me pause and try to get to high?

29:00watching the Georgia Senate, you know, just watching that before it was decided, you know, watching that turn into a runoff. Ooh, ooh. Where are we in the world that that even had to happen, you know? That Barack had to go down there and literally preach to the people. Yes. be like don't do this don't what what are y 'all doing yeah um so yeah there look there are there there's plenty in the world that makes me mad and wait a minute look can i just ask you this yes do you go high immediately oh no no no no no no no okay now that's what the kitchen table is for Remember, I go sit at my kitchen table and we have a go low session.

29:52You know, we just go low. We're all picking ourselves off the floor. I used to I used to do this thing with my staff in the White House where before I would give a speech or do an interview. We we mock answer the questions because they knew I needed to get the low out, you know. So I would have better knowing that. Oh, yeah. I would just play out what I would call presidential ending statements that I could make. I'd be like, you know what? We could just go home if I said, right? And my team would look and go, yeah, don't do that. But sometimes, you know, so going high doesn't mean you don't feel the rage, right?

30:39It doesn't mean that you're not supposed to feel. It doesn't mean that you are complacent in unfairness and inequality. It doesn't mean you don't do the work. It's just the choice of your approach. And going high is a choice. It's a choice that I think is most mature. It's a long-term choice. And it's not you just wallowing in the gut feeling of what you feel at that moment. it, that's self-indulgent. And when you are a leader with a platform, we can't afford to indulge our innermost ugly, right? We have a responsibility to go high because we are living, we've lived through leadership that goes low.

31:29And no one feels good in that. It doesn't lead to solutions. It just doesn't work. So I answer, I end the book by answering the question that everybody has been asking me, still go high, Michelle? Now? Really? Really? And my answer is yes, absolutely. We always go high. We go high, but we do the work, you know, and that's what I want young people to know that, you know, the light we carry is in all of us. You know, we have to learn how to build it up in ourselves first. We can't look to other people to build it up in us because sometimes they don't have it in them. You know, and once we build it up, we have to protect it, protect it with a good kitchen table, keeping people in, but also letting people go when they're not serving you for the best.

32:23When they're losing oxygen. When they're losing oxygen, you know, you have to protect yourself from the poison that's out there. You've got to get out of other people's mirrors, right? And then once you've buttressed yourself and you've got it together, then it's our responsibility to share that light. That's the going high part. So as you think about interacting, speaking out, texting, using social media, think about the light you carry. Lead with that light because light begets light. Hope begets hope. Going high begets more of it. That's why we do it. Thank you for reminding us of the light we carry, Michelle Obama, at the YouTube Theater.

33:09Thank you, Oprah Winfrey.