Action Items for A**holes

0:00Jennifer:Hey, sweetie, your mother showed me this Carvana thing for selling the car. I'm going to give it a try. Wish me luck. Me again. I put in the license plate. It gave me an offer. Unbelievable. Okay, I accepted the offer. They're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway. I haven't even left my chair. It's done. The car is gone. I'm holding a check. Anyway, Carvana, give it a whirl. Love ya. So good, you'll want to leave a voicemail about it. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. Thank you to our presenting sponsor, BetterHelp. I think one of the hardest parts about motherhood is that there's never really an off switch.

0:35Even when the house is finally quiet, your brain is still going. You're thinking about your kids, your marriage, work, whether you're doing enough, whether everybody's okay. It's constant. And I think so many moms are carrying around this invisible mental load that nobody really sees. There's also this pressure to always be grateful and happy all the time because you love your family so much. But loving motherhood and still feeling overwhelmed sometimes can both be true at the same time. And I think more moms need to hear that. Having someone to talk to outside of your everyday circle can really help you work through all of those thoughts and feelings.

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1:33Jennifer:So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, Gaytriots, Theytriots, Blacktriots, Browntriots. We love, love, love you. And triple Trumpers can do what, Pumps? Fuck off! Really love the addition of the double bird. Yeah, that's good. That's good stuff. Pumps, What have you had it with? Okay. What I've had it with is when people leave messages on my voicemail, like if you call, you just hang up. I see you called, I'll call you back. We don't have to have a message. Right. So a couple of girlfriends that are like, Hey, call me. I need to talk to you. Well, I'm immediately panicked.

2:11Like what's happening. Why do you need to talk to me? So they immediately go up to the urgent spot first phone call. And then it's like, Oh, I was just going to see what you're doing if you wanted to be to work out. And I'm just like, you can't do that. People that act like it's an emergency when it's not an emergency or on the flip side, people that are like, oh my God, I have juicy something I need to tell you and then don't tell you and then you can't get ahold of them. So I just, I hate urgency in a voicemail when it's really not urgent, because if it's urgent, just say it's urgent.

2:47Jennifer:I completely agree with this. I think that that's a problem. I really don't like voice mails at all anymore now that we have a missed call and you can see the list of people whose call you need to return. But I do love to fuck with people and just leave people messages like, Jennifer, call me immediately. And it's absolutely nothing. And I've been doing it for years. You know, my friend Brad, Brad and I for years have left each other messages. Call me immediately, click. And And so I do like just to kind of gaslight people for fun. And then they call you all panicked. And I know that's kind of psychopathic and psychotic, but sometimes I just kind of like to be crazy like that.

3:32Jennifer:Well, here's the thing. I probably have gotten those messages from you. You have. And I'm probably like a lapdog, just like, call back immediate. Like, can't wait. I would find you under a rock. You would dig through concrete to find me. I would with my fingernails. I've done it to you a lot, but you do, you call back really enthusiastically. Like, what is it? What's going on? I was like, Oh, nothing. I just missed you. I need to talk to you. You're like, Oh, good. You're so sweet. Let's burn. Okay. This is so funny. I was watching this TV show and it was a police thing. And they were talking about how the incident happened at like five in the morning.

4:08And they're like, you know, it's easy to track calls this early in the morning. Cause they're just not going back and forth. And I was like, Can you imagine back in the day when we were on the phone at 4.45 every morning, they would have thought we were criminal masterminds. And really we were just smoking and hating our lives and our husbands.

4:29Jennifer:We would wake up, listener, to have like an hour of bonding time before our children woke up. Yeah. And so we would get up at like 4.45, 5, and whoever was up first would be like, do you want to burn? because we both used to smoke cigarettes, like a lot of Gen Xers. And we would got it. My mouth water is just thinking about it now. And I hate, hate, hate cigarettes now, but just, it was like such this anticipatory moment that I knew the coffee was brewing and I could kind of smell it and have like this Pavlovian reaction thinking about lighting up that girt and then drinking coffee. And here's the only thing I miss about smoking.

5:05Jennifer:I don't miss the actual sensation of smoking at all. Past people on the streets all the time in New York with cigs. I'm like, I've turned into that person. I miss the camaraderie. I feel like you bond more with people while slowly killing yourself. I think that that bond supersedes non-carcinogenic conversations. I think we were closer and better friends to each other when we were assisting each other in homicide. I completely agree. And I feel like I've bonded with people I would never normally meet outside in the smoking section. Totally. Back in the day, when I first started practicing law in 1995, you could smoke in the courthouse.

5:51So we, I would, there were a couple judges that smoked and I would just go sit in there and we would smoke cigarettes between cases. And I met all kinds of people I would have never met, like outside smoking at the courthouse, inside smoking at the courthouse, all the time.

6:07Jennifer:Yeah, I agree. I met so many cool people. And when you would go to parties and the parties were kind of stuffy, all the cool people would go outside and smoke cigs. Always the cool people were outside smoking. Okay. I have a great grievance. Okay. I've had it with group think PR phrases like excellence redefined

6:35Jennifer:innovation reimagined yes I hear that all the time okay here's the deal you don't get to redefine excellence it just gets to be excellence and then you just leave it the fuck alone you don't this is made up shit that people sit around these tables these are the same groups of people that update the photo album on iphones i'm certain of it there's a link between these two groups of people make it harder stupid yeah and it's just like okay so our product is excellent and somebody's like i know but it's better than excellent it's like the original excellence and they're like i know it's excellence redefined And everybody, it's just like instantaneous groupthink orgasm.

7:22Jennifer:And then they all trot this shit out. Here's some more. Redefining what's possible. No, you're not. It's either possible or impossible. Nobody's redefining it. Yeah, I hate all that. Okay, what about the customer service ones? Here's one. Putting customers at the heart of everything we do. Which we all know is a lie. it's a total lie we don't just meet expectations we exceed them that's also a lie here's some buzzword stuff leveraging cutting-edge forward-thinking paradigms ecosystem driven value creation holistic end-to-end transformation i have fucking had it from top to bottom put a sock in it Put a fucking sock in this shit.

8:15Jennifer:We're not stupid. It's patronizing. It's an insult. Here's some more. Here's some regarding like green energy stuff. Building a greener tomorrow, today. That one just goes all through me. What about this? Net zero, full heart.

8:39Jennifer:net zero full heart i've had it here's some tech stuff this is hilarious ai powered human centered i just fucking hate that all day long i've had it i've had it with this i When we started the podcast, Listener, Pumps and I would get onto these calls with certain people at certain points in certain times. And they were these type of meetings. And our assessment after such meetings were that anybody who uses these types of phrases, you consider it a red flag. For example, a business that we sat down with to do business with said, we're really not a business. we're a family and I immediately knew okay these people are toxic as fuck I mean there's just nobody calls work a family you just don't it's work and then you have your family and your family has its own set of problems but anybody who's trying to re reimagining family while we're at work is full of shit and it is a red flag and it is a toxic work environment and you need to tuck and roll ASAP.

9:53Jennifer:Well, yeah. And most families are pretty fucking toxic. And all you read about online is people trying to, you know, go to therapy to redo their family. So that I don't think that's a huge endorsement for this. Whenever I hear these phrases though, I immediately picture like what you were talking about, a table where everybody is just like, you know, masturbating each other they're just fucking jerking off and they're so excited and it's just like shut up shut up and the people that fall for this i'm just like oh i want to be in those meetings and just be like you remember the muppets the cranky muppets they're always bitching i would like to go be at one of the meetings and they're like excellence reimagining that's stupid and i feel dumber for having heard it next it's either excellent or it's not shut the fuck up nobody's gonna buy this shit nobody's gonna buy because of the name but i think they would cry i think the people that come up with this stuff if you say you don't like what they came up with i think these are the at work criers you know what i'm talking about the people that just cry the drop and i'm listener if some of you were super sensitive i'm sorry i only cry like annually pumps is worse than me she cries maybe once every five years um but you know what welcome to i've had it i'm jennifer i'm angie the hbic b for beaver we are uh grievance rebranded as optimism in america's podcast we're redefining optimistic grievances we're inspiring optimism inspirational Grievances.

11:38Jennifer:All right. I have an announcement. You know, lately we've trotted out Kylie a lot on the podcast. We've trotted out Ryan on the podcast, but we have left the true star producer, the person who has won employee of the week, employee of the month, employee of the year, really our best employee, far better than Ryan and Kylie combined. And of course I'm talking about Seth and I would like to welcome Seth to produce this episode of I've had it Seth. The boy is back. Oh yeah, baby. I heard the people were clamoring. They were clamoring. They knew they were like, you know, Kylie and Seth, they're fine and all, but there's gotta be more brains behind this podcast than for sure.

12:27Jennifer:Jennifer and pops and for sure, Ryan and Kylie. So I thought we got to let the cat out of the bag. We've got to bring in the big daddy, the big guns. Usually when people mention Seth Fish, they mention excellence, reimagined, transmogrifying progress, stuff like that. I would like for you – actually, I'll make Kylie do this – to come up with five mottos for our podcast that are in that corporate speak. I'll get Kylie on that. Seth, do you have any grievances? Anything bugging you lately? Yeah, this one might catch me some heat. Let's hear it. I have had it with Seattle Supersonics fans thinking they're the only people to ever get their team relocated.

13:17I think at this point, they're whining so much. Kansas City should start claiming the Kings. unfortunately they're the kings and nobody wants to claim them but i think they should start making a stink because it's been 20 years yeah and uh i think it's time to get over it i agree with you

13:38Jennifer:on this and here's what i have to say to the people of seattle you have mountains you have an ocean you have killer whales that jump out of the water and they're like hi look at us you know we're we're in Puget Sound and you have normal politicians that aren't trans obsessed whack jobs and you don't have school superintendents that are wanting to put the Bibles in the classroom. We need this in Oklahoma. We need that. I'm glad you all brought this up because I've got it. For one thing. Okay. So, you know, like a couple of weeks ago, I really stepped in it online. So I did the whole Erica Kirk impersonation, right?

14:19Jennifer:Which I couldn't help myself. I knew it was bad. I knew I probably shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. We did not prep pumps for it. She absolutely pissed her pants after we finished recording. She had to go shower because she got TT all over. So that in and of itself is worth it. At the same time, these gals that have this fantastic sports gal, sports girls gossip podcast that asked me to come on. I have no business talking about sports, right? I mean, I, I'm a political podcaster. So they asked me to come on and I just start ripping about Doris Burke, which I stand by Doris Burke is unfairly an SGA hater.

14:59Jennifer:But I did get a DM from somebody who works with Doris Burke or has worked with Doris Burke, a very respected person in NBA circles who said, love your podcast, love your political views. I don't think it was fair to link Doris to MAGA. And I responded to this person and I said, you're a hundred percent correct that I shouldn't have linked Doris to MAGA style propaganda. I don't know what Doris's politics are, but Doris is a female in a male-dominated profession and covers a sport that is predominantly African-American. I doubt, this is my opinion, I doubt Doris is maggot. But I will say this to Doris.

15:48As women, we can disagree about what I perceive to be your

15:56Jennifer:propaganda towards the thunder and towards SGA. And I shouldn't have branded you as MAGA. That's on me because I have a tendency, everything I dislike, I label as MAGA. And that is a problem for me. Pumps does the same thing. We're out and about. She's like, oh my God, that guy looks like Don Jr. She feels like she, it's like at the forefront of our mind all the time. And so Doris, here's the deal. Doris Burke, I appreciate the job you do. I appreciate that you are a woman in a man's world. I appreciate that you have a different opinion than me. I say that as women, we can talk smack about sports back and forth the same way that men do.

16:41Jennifer:And I can say that you're a propagandist. I apologize for calling you a MAGA propagandist because that is a horrible insult. But I stand by that you are a SGA hater and an SGA propagandist and a Thunder hater, and I'll die on the hill. But I do apologize for comparing you with MAGA because that was not right. The phone merchant stuff does come out of cross-door slips a lot. But I will say this. Every sports podcast I listen to, they talk about how rabid and insane Thunder fans are. And I'm like, guilty. Like any time you criticize the Thunder SGA, we're all just like, but I would say that we're, I would say that we're definitely passionate, but like in terms of, we definitely defend the team.

17:33When it comes to being a Thunder fan online in online spaces, you're 50th in education. You live in a fast hellscape. Yeah, we know. We know that has nothing to do with our team, though, and the argument we're making. And that's what just kind of that's why we feel beat down by all this stuff. We have a Republican supermajority for decades. We can't have one thing. All right. Yeah, I want to read some reviews.

18:01Jennifer:Yeah, read them, Seth. OK, they're all good. Five stars. Oh, that's much nicer than what Kylie does for us when she produces the episodes. Thank you, Seth. That's what I'm here for. This one is from Steph's Graph X. Love the podcast. My husband listens during his commute as well. It's refreshing to hear people be real and not tiptoe around shit. California Silicon Valley purebred here. I'm too lazy to look for the number to call in since the fat Cheeto took office. I have rescheduled so much. I have no more juice in me. So here's my minute to bitch bomb. I have had it with people like my mom who bury their head in the sand regarding politics, but then have the balls to vote.

18:46That's bullshit. Don't tell me I don't pay much attention to the news. I choose to enjoy my life. Then go and vote for a person or policy you have no clue the impact your vote can make on groups of people. That is a great grievance. That's a great one. How many people do you know, I don't pay attention. It's not my thing. Well, then don't vote or educate yourself. But I mean, that is a huge swath of Americans, I think.

19:15Jennifer:Here's what I'm calling out. I think, Seth, get your ass back up here. I think these people, at least the people that I have known, act like they're not interested in politics because they know I am. And they know that their opinion is inferior and morally depraved from mine. and they're too embarrassed to admit it. So they act like, oh, I'm just not into politics. I don't want to talk about politics. And then they race and they color in that little circle for kinks thoroughly because they know, and those are the worst people among us. The people who are in the cult that have been totally indoctrinated, I have a slight bit of empathy for the people who know better that won't admit it publicly or change what they would say privately to certain people.

20:05Jennifer:and then they have a whole different persona in certain social circles, that to me is the most insidious. Yeah. The ones that know, but they fake like they don't know. I agree with that. You know what? Just that whole thing reminded me of, remember like early on in Doge, they did a poll of Americans and like 4 % of Americans had never heard the name Elon Musk. How great would that be? I get so jealous of that. yeah I feel like throughout my entire life the people who I've always heard like oh I don't pay attention to politics I don't stoop to that level like I'm above politics are always the people that eventually slip up and say something to me like well I think black people should just quit complaining so much that I'm like exactly yeah oh so you want to puppet these talking points from racist Fox News, but you don't pay attention to news much.

21:07So it does kind of seem like, I think you're paying attention to news, but you know that your views are reprehensible and you just don't want to air them out.

21:16Jennifer:You nailed it. That's exactly what I think. Pumps and I go back and forth on this stuff, but we know a person who's super racist and the person think she's not racist, but I've told pumps, this person is racist because she edits what she says about black people, depending on who she's around. And that editing is an admission. When you edit and you know, I can't say this in front of these people, then that is an admission in your psyche that you know that it is racist. If the person is just N-word everywhere all the time, Like, well, I'm not a racist, but these N-word hard R's, no matter where they are, you could, I mean, obviously that's clearly racist, but I think that people, the way they edit what they share and when they share it is an admission.

22:06Jennifer:Okay. What's next, Seth? Okay. Another five-star review. Holy shitballs. This one's from Marinka. Holy shitballs. What a total delight it's been to find this podcast. It is now my primary coping mechanism for making it through the current reign of the Cheeto. Thank you. I'm going to start saying shit balls. Where has that been in my vocabulary? Holy shit balls. I like that. All right. I like to exercise every single day and something I really struggle with is finding the perfect sports bra. They just give you that like uniboob look. They're too tight. I feel pain when I'm putting it on. I feel pain when I'm taking it off.

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23:36Jennifer:That's honeylove.com slash had it. After you check out, they'll ask where you heard about them, please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Experience the new standard in comfort and support with Honey Love. And now for a quick message from today's sponsor, the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program. All right, my pets are so important to me and my dogs. And my oldest dog is aging and he's starting to have health issues, epilepsy. And I find myself awake at like 2 a.m. Googling how long should a seizure last. And it's just terrifying because your pets are just, it's hard to put into words how important their companionship is.

24:19Jennifer:That's why I want to talk to you guys today about ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program. When you enroll in an ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Plan, you could get a$25 Amazon gift card. It's a little treat for you while you're doing something really great for your pet. The program offers customizable accident and illness plans, making it easier to get your pet the care they may need. It's been around for almost 20 years and has covered nearly 1 million pets in that time because big vet bills never show up when it's convenient, do they? Listener, to explore coverage, visit ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash had it.

25:05Jennifer:That's ASPCAPetinsurance.com slash had it. Eligibility restrictions apply. Visit ASPCAPetinsurance.com slash Amazon terms for more info. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or United States Fire Insurance company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. Okay, I'm going to go on to news stories. Stay around, Seth, unless I need to, in case I need to grab your opinion. All right, you guys, this is so great. So I've gotten my hands on, because there's this great Instagram account I follow called now this impact.

25:54Jennifer:And they got their hands on the FCC complaints about Bad Bunny's performance in the Super Bowl. And now this impact posts, racists wrote the FCC to complain about Bad Bunny's Super Bowl performance. Okay. The first complaint is we want the maximum fine imposed for the filth that was spewed on national television during family watch time. Is that not great? The filth. The filth. Okay. I thought the complaint was you couldn't understand it. So how do you know if it's filthy or not? Just, it was just utter filth because that guy was Puerto Rican. All right. Next one. I watched the Superbowl halftime show with my grandkids.

26:44Jennifer:Now all they do is run around saying stuff and I don't know what it means. As you can imagine, the horror of a MAGA person having grandchildren that might say something in Spanish. All right. Oh, they might be, you know, learning Spanish bilingual. Oh my gosh, that would be terrible. Okay. Another one. Surely somebody at the FCC knows some Spanish and or watched the rap kid from Puerto Rico who referenced gay male sex during the halftime show, which might have some kids watching. Are obscene words and references to homosexual sex just dandy on Prime TV now, as long as they are in Spanish and thus aimed at illegal aliens and at legal immigrants fluent in Spanish.