Fox and Friends with Benefits

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1:07Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, gaytriots, theytriots, blacktriots, browntriots, we love you. And all of the triple Trumpers and fascist collaborators can do what, Pumps? Fuck off. All right, Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with is that in 50 years, there has been no progress to make dental tools more silent, to take away the sound. I hate, I've had it, I've had it. With the tools at the dentist, they make the same sounds they did when I was a kid. I hate it. So you've had it with the lack of sound evolution. That's exactly what I've had it with. Exactly. Have you had a lot of dental work done lately?

1:53I went yesterday and it was like scrape, scrape, scrape. And I was just like, oh my God. I don't think there's a way around that. Okay. But surely if somebody can go to the moon, they can make these dental tools. But there are just certain absolutes like sound, light. You know, this takes us back to, I agree with you. Those sounds are terrible, but I don't know that it can be mitigated. Maybe it can't, but I just, I hate it. As we all know, I'm traumatized from a childhood dentist. So it's even particular. What did he do? He grabbed your boobs or something? No, no. He was just a bad dentist. I went in and he was going to give me a filling and he said it was numb.

2:39And I kept saying, it's not numb. It's not numb. And he just went in there. And ever since then, I've been a fucking freak about the dentist yesterday being no exception. Do you like your current dentist? I do like my current dentist a lot. And she's super nice and great and gentle and all that. But, you know, that inner child shit. Did you ask the dentist why we have not evolved sound wise? I have because everything else has evolved. And she said, hmm, I don't know. I'll see if I can find out for you for next time. Which means shut the fuck up. You're 56 years old. put your big girl panties on.

3:20That's what I took it as. Well, one of you ask Claude, why dental tools are not silent while I go through my grievance and then we'll circle back because I think we need to get to the bottom of this. I appreciate it. Yeah. And if there is something that we can mitigate this by, we'll copyright it right here live. You as an attorney can say, I give it my copyright magic. And then, yeah. And then, uh, that copyright will be our ticket out, out of all of this shit. We can move to some Island somewhere. Yes. Because we will be so rich because everybody hates the fucking sounds at the dentist. All right.

3:58Let me tell you what I've had it with. Okay. We recently did two live shows in Atlanta and the Atlanta airport is just, for lack of better phrasing, just a piece of work. And it's not a fun experience, the airport, needless to say. But Atlanta has, like all airports do, a tram that takes you from one terminal to another. And then they have this prick that narrates the tram ride. And he's like incredibly happy and he keeps calling it a plane train. Welcome to the Hartsfield plane train. This plane train is going to stop here and there. And I'm like, no, it is not a plane train. And I know with everything in me, plane train was born out of a circle jerk scrambling the jets meeting.

4:56They said, let's call it something fun. Let's call it something cute. Let's call it something neat. And they said, Oh, I've got it. It's the plane train. Because it takes you from the plane on the train. And it's at the airport. We'll call it the plane train. It's not a plane train. It's not. And it just irritated me to no end. And being around, I don't know, just being at the airport. And this always happened, especially like during the political election, the last one that we lost with Kamala and Trump, I would be in our little like liberal bubble and I think, oh, she's going to win. This is great.

5:39And I would go to the airport and then you see all the MAGA coded merch and I'm like, oh my God, this is, this shit's real. Like he could win. So while I was on the plane train, there's a guy standing across from me, of course, with this oversized backpack. And then he had on one of those big boy shirts that I talk about with the eagle and the eagle had a grenade and then it has the American flag with like a black line through it. And I just, the combination of this triple trumper trying to wear coded MAGA merch at the same time with the narrator, welcome to Atlanta's plane train. I just thought, I hope this plane crashes, head on collision and we all go down.

6:24I felt just, it just enraged me. The entire thing enraged me. And that's not a very good testament to my mental well-being. Do we have an update on the... We do. Here is what we said. Dental drills are not silent because they rely on compressed air to spin at extreme speeds to efficiently cut through the enamel, the hardest substance in the human body. The high-speed rotation generates immense friction, heat, and turbulent airflow. And then we've got one more here that says, while technology is improving with quieter electric handpieces and experimental anti-noise devices, the immense power requirements make complete silence difficult to achieve.

7:03So you should ask about these experimental devices. Right. I should see if I can get into a trial, a drill trial for my cavities. A drill trial I can get in. Right. I'll eat a lot of extra candy. Yeah, you could be – I love this idea for you. Yeah. I love this. And you love a survey. So at the end of this voluntary dental work that you're doing for the good of humanity, you can take your survey at the end. That's incredible. I can give it all the stars. Okay. One thing I thought of when you were talking about the plane train, I remember that very excited voice. And he would say, this is Terminal A.

7:45A is in Atlanta. Utah. And I was just like, shut the fuck up. Stop. That guy. That guy. Do you think he's a real guy or do you think it's a robot? No, I think it's AI. That guy. He was too happy. It was. And it was B is for big boy. And then I saw the big boy across from me. Yeah. And welcome to the plane train. I've had it with plane train. I've had it. Airports, universally, if I was ever a politician, I would ban the word plane train just for spite. because it's not a plane train it is a tram isn't that a tram yes what is a tram always been a tram tram right t-r-a-m tram and you know what you painted the picture so beautifully because i could see everybody around at the table going clipboards highlighters paper clips and then everybody when they say plane trains like oh my gosh you got it a plane train that's what we need And they all went out and got all liquored up afterwards and they felt even better about it.

8:43And then they launch. Welcome to Atlanta's plane train. It's just put a sock in it. No, it's not a plane train. Don't make up shit. Don't throw this at us when we're in the throes of travel, traveling with triple trumpers trying to keep it together. And you're rolling out plane train when it is a tram. Yeah, it is an airport tram. There's nothing plane-ish, airplane-ish about the tram other than it is near airplanes. That's it. It's just the lipstick on the pig situation. Nobody's happy at the airport. Stop trying to over-enthusiastic us at the airport. I told this story at our live show in Atlanta, but I want to share it.

9:22I don't think Brian's heard it. So when I moved to New York, I started going to this nail salon right around the corner from my apartment. it and I get the gel nails and I, you have to put your hand under the UV for the polish to dry. And so I have this little UV dryer and it's like, I got a screen on top of it with a camera and I can see my fingernails through it. And it's like, you're saving your skin by using this AI UV machine. And it's only because of the AI technology, your skin is not getting any UV light or carcinogens. Like basically you're not going to get hand cancer because you chose to come to this salon and this salon exclusively uses this AI dry machine.

10:10So it's like three different times. And I'm just like smug AF, like I've got the AI UV gel drying machine and I'm not getting hand cancer fuckers. And I just thought, God, I feel so great about the salon. I was never worried about hand cancer. And now I never have to worry about it again because this salon uses the AI things. So I go back the fourth time and they roll out just this normal UV thing. And I'm sitting there going, wait, you guys told me, I didn't even know about this. I never worried about this until you rolled out the AI dryer for my gel now. I learned about this from you. I felt good about myself because of you.

10:56And now they pulled them all. They're all gone. And now I'm sitting there just exposing myself to hand cancer, sometimes two at a time. I don't know what happened to the AI machines, but I'm sitting there going, well, I guess, you know, you're the ones that got me all wound up about this. And then I don't understand why they're doing this to me. Now I'm worried about hand cancer. Right. Because here's the deal. You would have never thought about the hand for cancer had they not told you about it and then they take it. So I'm wondering, of course, my thought is, was the AI thing doing something worse than hand cancer?

11:33I don't know. I think the AI machines are still there. I just think it's intellectually dishonest for this particular nail salon to rope me in to this illusion of safety and carcinogen-free nail drying only to pull the rug out from under me and then expose me to all of these carcinogens, none of which I ever cared about my entire fucking life until they put the AI thing. And I thought, oh, look at me. I'm an AI nail dryer now. And so, I mean, I've had it with that. I mean, I've just completely had it. All right. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. All right. Kylie, what's going on in the World Wide Web?

12:17okay i've actually got a review for you angie okay and it's titled dentist drills four stars what perfect okay and e munch writes pumps while i too can't stand the sound of the dentist drill parentheses because i believe jennifer is right on this one tsk my new dentist offers nitrous oxide of course the insurance doesn't pay for that before you even get the novocaine highly recommend You still hear the drill, but you just don't care. So they say you need to get high during your... Okay, here's the deal. And I mean, when I got my teeth cleaned yesterday, they did the nitrous and I still didn't like it.

12:59So I'm a freak. I don't think... I think it's universal. I think that nobody likes the drill. I've never met one person. It's like, oh, yeah, baby. That says, oh, my God, I cannot wait to get to the dentist to have all the tartar scraped off my teeth. And then I hope they go in for just a banger of a root canal. I hope I'm there. Four hours of nonstop drilling. I'm sure there is such a person that exists, particularly in the United States of America, because we are a country of freaks, as evidenced by our fucking president and the dipshits that surround him. and the dipshits you see at the airport where they're big boy eagle grenade teeny weeny shirts so we know that such a freak probably exists but i uh will you put that review back up please um because i believe jennifer is right on this one i just wanted to of course we had to go back i just wanted to double dip on that just to be just to be just to be a little cunty just to be a little cunty okay uh kylie what's next i have to tell you i like going to the dentist because i have a really hot dentist who i love her name is dr laurie levette she's a listener on the show and she's does she know that you think she's hot no i haven't told her dr laurie oh my god so how awkward is it going to be when you go back?

14:30Not at all. I mean, I'm thinking of just, now I've moved. Yeah. I'm thinking of flying back for my dental appointment. Because that's how hot Dr. Lori LeVette is? Yeah. She just is like, she owns her own practice. She's probably like 40, 50. I just, I like a strong woman. Straight? I let her get in there. Is she straight? I think she's married to a man. Uh-huh. Yeah. But you kind of like a Mrs. Robinson, don't you? Yeah. Let me tell you something I'm doing now. Okay. So I found out she listens to the podcast and I wanted that extra clout so now when i like do my stuff online for them i've started using my i've had it podcast email so that they know like it's it is me from i've had it really because you want to curry favor with your hot dentist yeah how hot is she she's hot as pumps no i haven't met anyone as hot as well obviously all right i've got another review okay this one is five stars titled omg the best and easy money access rights i just started listening about a month ago and i've been binging the backlog love the cause and the laughs middle-aged white women get your asses up and take a stand against fascism hashtag fuck donald trump hashtag unblessed love that just want to add that i think the quote maga jesus is a dick is merch it's true number one great two great things there I'm immediately going to start using hashtag unblessed.

15:58And then I think it's objectively true that MAGA Jesus is a total dick. Yeah. Here's the thing. I always find myself, okay, so we have this live show and we have this clip that Kylie put together before we come out. And it's like Jennifer's top hits, the things that she says. And every time I see a clip of Jennifer, like unsolicited, like even though I'm sitting right there when it happens, every time it comes across my feet, like I bust out laughing, like I forget how funny it is. And then so I just bust out laughing, but I had completely forgotten about how funny the Cracker Barrel rant was.

16:40And so it's just like, you really are funny is what I'm coming down to. Thank you, Pons. They just resurrected the Cracker Barrel rant, which is months, months, months old. They just resurrected it again. Fox did recently. And Ryan, our new producer here in New York, told me that he was watching Fox the other night. It's horrible. And my dear friend, Greg Gutfeld, did a little takedown of me. Um, of course he goes to, you know, she's ugly. She's mean. She's insane. And then he escalated and he called me a cunt. What? The C word. He said, well, he said the C word. He said, she's the C word. So Kylie and I found it and it was based on, I think that they resurrected the Cracker Barrel rant, which really occupies a lot of real estate in their brain because I think they identified with it.

17:37Like, oh shit, I am the person. I do love Mexican food. I do love sports. I do love, you know, X, Y, Z. And so this always prompts Greg Gutfeld, which I do think, this is just an aside. I do think it's quite interesting that his name is Greg Gutfeld and he has a big muffin top gut. I think that that is just gorgeous. Sometimes the universe works in such a way where it's like, oh, that's gorgeous. But what I particularly like about Greg Gutfeld is he never really critiques any of my critiques about the Republican Party or about his hyper-feminine, toxic-feminine co-host, Jesse Waters. No disrespect to women in that.

18:23But, you know, Greg referred to him the other day as, well, you know, you're a toxic – people refer to you, Jesse, that you're a toxic masculine person. And I'm like, are you kidding me that Queen Jessie Waters masculine? My God. Since when? Yeah. So, you know, I mean, the Fox, they have a lot of fun with us. And honestly, I have a lot of fun with them. It's a tit for tat back and forth. I was going to say, the only thing that would be better is if Greg Gutfeld was named Greg Saggy Man Boobs. you know uh we we did a story on this trump's merch store has been shut down due to that so much uh economic problems but i do think in light of big titty brian and muffin top gut filled and i haven't seen jesse waters without a shirt on but i think he keeps it pretty high and tight i mean i remember when we saw him at the dnc he was pretty he was pretty lean um i think that that But Spanx for men and male bras would be a banger on whenever Trump relaunches his merch store.

19:36Trump man boobs. I do. I think it would be a big market for them. Do you remember Don Jr.'s tits in that photo? Yeah. I mean, they're huge. Elon Musk. Have you seen Elon Musk? Oh, Elon Musk. Yeah. All of them. And here's the thing. I don't care if men have boobs. I don't care if Jesse Waters is a toxic Karen and he exudes toxic Karen energy. I don't care about that. What I care about is that these people are just such breathtaking hypocrites. And it also just is an absolute insult to my intelligence that somebody could look at priss pants hyper karen jesse waters and refer to him as being as having toxic masculinity i just it's just like that just that doesn't work with priss pants waters i think that's like his dream label i think he's Oh, yeah.

20:42He's the one that said, hey, can you call me toxic masculinity tonight? A hundred percent. Yeah. He's like, hey, Greg, do me a solid. Say I exude toxic masculinity. Yeah. And he just exudes toxic Kareninity. Yeah. Like he is a Karen of the highest order. Insecurity coming out of his force. Do you guys think he dyes his own hair at home or do you think he goes to the salon or do you think he has somebody come to his house and do it? I think somebody comes. Either to his house or the station. Yeah, like a Fox News producer has to put on some. Yeah. He's not going to a salon because he's way too masculine to walk into a salon and get his hair dyed.

21:26Even though it's so obvious it's dyed. Especially in person, y 'all, it is a bad dye. Yeah. Yeah. I remember when we saw him. We saw Sean Hannity walk by first. This was the DNC. And Sean Hannity was like, I was like, oh my God. It was like, I just saw a demon. And Sean Hannity was like, hey, everybody, how's it going? He tried to be like a glad hander, super friendly. And then comes Pris Pants Waters. And he comes walking down this hallway at the DNC. And I mean, the only thing I can relate it to, and it causes me great pain to say this, because I think drag queens have the best walk on the planet.

22:04Yeah. But the song immediately came into my head when I saw him. sachet shantay shantay shantay shantay at RuPaul I mean it was just I mean it was tits out ass up and it was just a it was just toxic Karenism out the wazoo all right listener I have to share something with you I've completely switched up all of the basic cleaning supplies I've used for years and I'm completely obsessed all chips in with branch basics because here's the thing about cleaning products. You use them every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. And with spring cleaning season here, it's worth asking a simple question.

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23:23Just use code HATIT for 15 % off the premium starter kit at BranchBasics.com. After you purchase When they ask where you heard about them, please make sure to mention our show. All right, let's move on to the news. While Zoran Mamdani is tackling affordability in New York City and trying to get Kathy Hochul to raise taxes on the city's richest citizens to make up for a deficit. And while Donald Trump is waging a war in Iran and all of this crazy shit's happening, right? Ice, blah, blah, blah. You know, we haven't spoken that much lately about Governor Kittenhills. And for those of you that are new, Governor Kittenhills is Governor Ron DeSantis.

24:10And the reason he's called Governor Kittenhills is because he often wears a kitten heel to elevate him to higher heights. And in Florida, they are dealing with the very pressing issue, while all of these geopolitical things are going on, oligarchs dismantling a democracy in Florida, they're tackling a very pressing issue of cousin fucking. All right. And so Sean Hannity dives into this with Ron DeSantis. It's a pop up this headline. Hannity awkwardly tells DeSantis, I didn't know that it was legal to marry a first cousin in Florida. All right. This happened like two hours, this interview with Hannity and Kitten Heels, two hours after the farce ceasefire was announced, which says something about Fox's coverage right now, you guys.

25:10It was the second to last segment of the hour right before a little gut filled. little little greg little little little little bitty greg gutfield where they called me a cunt so um fox news to to review here we have massive shit going on their guy trump pedophile in the middle of this pedophile ranks alleged pedophile in the middle of an alleged pedophile ring We've got Trump and then war in Iran, bombing shit, Israel's bombing Lebanon. They are tackling cousin fucking and calling Jennifer Welch a cunt on Fox. All right. But local news does not disappoint. Let's play the clip of this local station reporting on the cousin fucking going on in Kitten Hill State.

26:04Marriages between first cousins will remain legal in Florida, at least for the time being. An amendment tagged onto a Department of Health bill this session would have banned cousin marriages, but the bill failed to cross the finish line before time in session ran out Friday. Action News Jack, state and local government reporter Jake Stofan is live downtown. And Jake, one of our local state reps proposed the ban. Well, if you're like me, you're probably surprised to find out that marriages between first cousins is totally legal here in the Sunshine State. All right. So I have to point out that Ryan grabbed a screen grab of this local reporter.

26:49I mean, look at her. So for those of you listening, there's no nobody can give side eye like a black woman. It's just they are undefeated in this department, period. And so this is her response right as her co-anchor mentions the cousin marriage. And so then we have some people, well, here we have a screen grab from the article. This is wild. Okay. According to Legal Match, cousin marriage is legal in Alabama, Alaska, California, Colorado, Connecticut, D.C., Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Massachusetts. It goes on and on. Cousin marriage is not legal. And it mentioned some states that kind of shocked me, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and there's a bunch of other states.

27:36I was kind of West Virginia. I thought that would be cousin marriage out the wazoo. And so the article says laws also vary in other states. More to the issue, Governor DeSantis associated the problem with the rise of Islamic extremism under Sharia law. he had to inject islamophobia into the redneck cousin fucking culture in florida that makes no sense and i will just say from a personal experience one time i was in the courtroom waiting for my case other cases came up i think in oklahoma it's like a certain amount of cousins you can't get married like you have to be three cousins removed or whatever So we had these two first cousins up there.

28:27It wasn't my case. And they were everything you think cousins being married would be. They were white. They were redneck-y. So this has nothing to do with Islam or Islamic religion because this was straight up white people getting divorced in Oklahoma. They got married. They had a kid. Then they wanted to say we were never married because we're first cousins. And I'm like, just shut the fuck up. Don't tell people that. Get a divorce. move on. Okay. So here are some clips about locals in Florida responding to the cousin fucking issue that Governor DeSantis is tackling on Fox News in the throes of a war.

29:10Play the clip. I didn't, I wasn't aware that that was something we were just doing out here. I wasn't aware of Yeah, definitely. It's it's kind of like teeter tottering between the lines of like inbreeding, but not really. But at the same time, it's it's pretty close. You're kind of playing with fire. And I think that's a lot. I mean, honestly, I could care less. I mean, it doesn't affect me. Does it? Does it not affect you? I mean, it's just wild that we're even like having these conversations. And of course, Sean Hannity, you know, this journalist, and I say that in quotes, is talking to kitten heels in the throes of war crimes, taxpayer money being stolen from the cousin fuckers in Florida to sent to bomb people in the Middle East.

30:03It's just wild. All right, Kylie, do we have phone calls? We do. those up first we've got one from kelly well hello jennifer pumps and kylie this is kelly originally from pendleton oregon but thank god i was adopted to a progressive family in portland oregon where i'm broadcasting to you live i'm part of the lgbtq community and as a person of color i'm a huge fan and thank you for fighting the good fight for universal human rights i have had it with going online or going to my local grocery store or corner market and buying a bag of chips or a bag of candy and i open that sucker up and only 25 fucking percent of the product is in the goddamn bag do you know what that reminds me of online dating these days people are curating their photos everything's photoshopped they're using ai and once you get into the same room with these people it's all smoking mirrors people are hiding behind this shiny veneer but once you strip all that away get into bed it's like they can't kiss they can't eat ass.

31:06They say weird fucking shit they've heard in porn. They won't make eye contact. They talk about their mom. They cry after they cum. It's fucking crazy. I have had it.

31:20Wait. Wait. The evolution of this grievance is just a master class. We started with a bag of candy and we ended up with eating ass and then people crying after they cum. That is a fucking master class of a grievance right there. It's kind of a really good metaphor, actually. It really is. And it goes to my feeling about Stanley Cups and what a slippery slope they are. You know, like to the average listener, they think that sounds fucking crazy. But to me, it made perfect sense because you start with just something benign, like, God, this pisses me off, this bag of candy. I bought these gummy bears and this bag's only, you know, 25 % full.