Honey, I Shrunk the Racist

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0:32So are we supposed to start? the podcast ready one two three patriots gay treats they treats black treats brown treats we love you all of the triple trumpers can do what pumps that was such a high pitch that even the microphone kind of muted it out you're that bad true that was that good it was it was that good okay pumps what have you Oh my God. I am almost a 60 year old woman. And this happened to me. Invited to a lunch that's 80s themed lunch. And I'm like an 80s themed lunch. Do not invite people to a themed lunch. And this other person that was invited, I said, I'm not going because I don't want to wear my Cyndi Lauper best to lunch.

1:26I'm just, I'm out. And she's like, you don't think it'll be fun? I go, no, I don't. I don't think it'll be fun. And here's what I figured. I've also been recently invited to a Western theme. Here's what I think it is. I think people that think they look good in hats or wigs want to have all this juiced up costume wear. And it's just like I'm over it like a Halloween party sure but I hate fun so I don't I don't want to dress up with my Cyndi Lauper blue mascara which I loved it back in the 80s but I'm out on themed lunches at my age don't you think that everybody just wants to do a little drag there's little drag queen in everyone.

2:14And this is presumably in Oklahoma. What kind of group is this? What kind of group is this that's having the 80 themed lunch? What's the purpose? It's just like a get together. It's a professional, it's a professional thing, like a lawyer thing where I have to go. I mean, like I have to go, but I cannot dress up. Why do you have to go? Because it's somebody that I just, I have to go. I just have to. Is it like they're giving this person an award? No. It's just some gals getting around. It's not even a fucking birthday. I would be more inclined if it was a birthday. Let's unpack this a little bit.

2:54Somebody is throwing a lunch for no particular reason. Correct. And the lunch is themed. So this would be like at the end of this podcast, I say, hey, Ryan, Seth, Kylie, Pump, I'm going to get us reservations for a Thursday and it's going to be a 70s themed lunch. Nailed it. That's exactly what it is. And I just think that's weird. So there's no purpose for the lunch other than to eat and dress like you're in the 80s. Correct. Is this in a public space, a public restaurant? That's the thing. Like, not that I want to dress up as Cyndi Lauper and go to somebody's house, but it's even worse. Like, why are all these old bags running around in their 80s clothes?

3:39at a lot. I just, I think the whole thing's weird. Let me ask you this. Does the person that's having the lunch listen to this podcast? I sincerely doubt it. I know they're super liberal, but I would doubt that they're a podcast listener. So my thinking is you might have just gotten yourself out of this, especially if Kylie makes a viral clip of you talking about how stupid this is, then the person might send you a text like, forget about it. Don't come to my lunch, you twat. And then you're like, good. I didn't want to go anyway. I didn't want to go anyway. And I don't want to go anyway, but I would have gone.

4:19I am going to go, but I'm not, I'm not doing the whole thing. But these people, the other people are excited about it. They think it's fun. Now a couple are fully retired. I'm probably on the younger end of this group now that I'm thinking about it. So other people in the restaurant, so they just got a table. So all of you all presumably are going to walk in in costume in the middle of summer. Yes. And this is for no reason. There's no birthday. There's no, this person just won a huge case in front of an asshole judge. This is just for no particular reason. I'm going to host to lunch and make everybody go buy outfits and dress up is it the middle of the day lunch so presumably for some people they might be in this get up all day yeah because it's a pretty big ask if you know like if kylie pulled some shit like this and i'd be like well i'm not going to podcast in that then i'm going to change clothes into it i don't have to change clothes back out of it the whole thing's stupid.

5:25And we're in a room and we're in the back room of a restaurant, but still, I just, I don't understand the theme. And then I got invited to a deal at a nighttime thing that's Western theme. And I'm just like, the only people that want to dress Western are the people that love cowboy boots and think they look good in hats. Neither of which I applied to me. Let's dive into the, uh, uh, details of the Western themed dinner. yeah it's a it's a rehearsal dinner okay see that makes more sense that makes more sense i mean it's fine i understand that a little bit more than i do just the random let's all gals all up you know what it is it's like i think somebody got a little liquored up let's have a lunch and they're like somebody's like that's a great idea get a reservation somebody put refills all the wine glasses and it's like you know what wouldn't it be just a scream if we all dress 1980s and they're like, yeah, that'd be hilarious.

6:23And then nobody talks anybody off the ledge. And then here you are talking on your podcast, our very listener about it. Yeah. No, I don't have friends anymore. I got the text like after seven 30 in the evening. It's a liquored up situation. I think you're a hundred percent right. Cause how many things back in the day you thought were a great idea, you know, after an all night party. And then you wake up and we're like, I would have, that's the worst idea I've ever had. Yeah. I'm with you on that. I'm a hundred percent with you and I wouldn't go. Yeah. I wouldn't go, but you're good. You're really good about this.

7:05One thing that you deliver on time and time again, since I've known you is agreeing to do things that I hate doing that you hate and that you bitch about incessantly. Yeah. You know where I think I learned that conditioning? Marriage. Considering you married somebody you didn't want to. I married somebody I didn't like, who I hated having sex with. So it's just such an easy, easy transition to going to things I hate. That's a nothing burger by comparison. Okay. I have had it with, let me see, I made a list here of things. Okay. I've had it with this argument that people use in political discourse.

7:55Okay. That if you're critical of America, then their argument against you is, well, they just hate America. Right. Right. It's just such a stupid pedestrian kindergarten argument. It's just, it's, I just can't think of anything dumber. And it seems like every time I get on the internet, or turn on the news, somebody, some schmohawk Republican politician is saying something like, well, Zoran Mamdani just hates America. It's like, no, he actually doesn't. He loves America. He's trying to save America. But this whole quantifying of loving and hating, it's so juvenile. It's such an immature thing.

8:37Like, is that really what they're thinking about? And it is what they're thinking about because I've seen these focus groups where they ask these triple Trumpers, why do you love Trump so much? And this one lady was like, I'll tell you what. Yeah. When he hugged that American flag on stage, he just really loves America. And so it works. This stupid juvenile, immature argument works. And I just think it's so dumb. I just think it's such a dumb, because it's, of course, we all love our country. But robust criticism and critique of it is so important. I completely agree. Just like your critique of the 80s theme lunch doesn't mean you don't love the gal doing it.

9:20I love the gal. I think the whole thing's stupid, but I love the gal. And that's just like, I just, I'm a firm believer that unless, if you don't care enough to criticize, you know, and it doesn't have to, but like, if you don't care enough to have an opinion and want to roundtable the opinion and open your opinion up to criticism, then you really don't care about your opinion that much. if you think that either you agree with me or go fuck yourself then you really that's you really don't care that much because you would I mean I just think I get better when I hear other people's perspective and they disagree and we talk through the disagree I mean I just for me that's how I feel like if I care enough to criticize something because normally I'm just like the opposite of love is not hate it is ambivalence you know I say that all the time when it comes to love.

10:15Yeah, I just, my, my fundamental thing is it's just such a pedestrian argument that they use to end all conversation and then negate any fair criticism or any fair points and how effective it is, how easily people are willing to be dumbed down by such a stupid argument. You know, it's like if you're in a fight with your husband and you're like, well, you just hate my guts. Well, no, that, that doesn't solve anything. The person really loves you probably because you're married, but hates the way you're acting in this moment. And it's called nuance, you know, like that's gone. That's what bothers me about it is it's just how effective such a stupid argument is because it boils down to Donald Trump dry hump in the American flag, and that's it for you.

11:10Like you don't care about anything else that he does. All the other debauchery. Right. Crimes. You know what's so funny is that you said that. I saw that on a focus group too. Like I've seen people say, well, you know, Donald Trump loves America. And I just didn't always, like, because we laugh about the humping of American flag. Like you fucking humped the American flag. What the fuck? And they're like, that proves how much he loves America. So it's just funny that to me that people think that that is a version of patriotism, but they do. Yeah, I think it's a version of propaganda that's been effective.

11:49I agree. That they have said liberals hate America and they stoke this part of rural America and fly over America. They stoke this part where a lot of these people, their identity is being American. that's like a huge cultural thing for them because they don't participate in that much else culturally. And so it lands and they're able to stick the landing because they propagandize so much that the libs hate America. And it's just, to me, it's just kindergarten stuff. All right, welcome. I've had it. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. Okay, listener, I want to share with you guys. I know that a lot of you are just Tuesday, Thursday listeners for I've had it.

12:32Thank you for being here. We also have the other podcast, I hip news. And this weekend's episode that's going to drop Saturday. I sit down in studio in New York with Hunter Biden for a one on one over an hour. He is incredibly engaging, speaks very candidly about his addiction, talks about the Biden DOJ under Merrick Garland, which was just absolutely fascinating and And surprisingly, he and I share the exact same opinion about that. He also, we talked about gay Republicans and he had a lot to say about that. So listen, do me a favor. Thanks for listening. We don't want to flood you. I know a lot of you are like political junkies.

13:17That's why we have IHIP News. But on the weekends, we're trying to do longer format one-on-one interviews. So you can kind of get to know the guest a little more. And he's great. I have to say, no, no, it's Pumps listened in on it. Pumps, tell them what you thought. What? He's hilarious. First of all, he, he's so candid. He's relatable. Like I wanted to hang out with him. I might go to a dinner with him where I dressed up as Cindy Lauper. You never know. He would be, I mean, he was so fun. He's very attractive. He's fun. He's funny. Let me just tell you, this is hilarious. So before he arrived, Kylie said, if pumps were here, when he walked in, the first thing she would say is Hunter is so attractive.

14:02He is attractive. Yeah. His wife was with him. She's a huge listener, huge fan of the pod. Cute as a button. I mean, incredibly, incredibly attractive. Um, and then, uh, just a beautiful family. He had some of his kids with him and they were just, they were so great. It was so incredible. But of course, pumps, um, we got to get you. I said all the engaging personality stuff. I know. No pumps. Listen, This comes from a position of love. I really think you should date. I really kind of do. John Hunter Biden's running around Oklahoma City. Come on. Well, I don't know. I just, I think you should. I did see a cute guy at the gym today for the first time who I'm 100 % sure is heterosexual.

14:45100%. Which means he's 100 % gay.

14:51anytime pump says 100 on something my history that 100 dwindles but maybe he is but i don't know i just think i think you look great i think you're the happiest i've seen you in forever and i think you look the best you've looked in a long time i think you should go and just i think you just throw yourself out there and date i think i should get on that and vax.com yeah i do because it'd be great content for the pod. Okay. Kylie. Hi. Hi, Kylie. You look so cute with your black and white. Thank you. I have to say I've never heard of a dress up lunch. That's probably my least favorite thing I've ever heard.

15:32But I think you said you're going to go but you're not going to dress up. I actually think that's worse than skipping. Then you just look like an asshole. Well, I'm just gonna say I didn't have time. You're just to come straight from work. I have to go straight back sorry all right okay i've got a review this one is from ariana and she says jen pumps and crew as a canadian who also only has one volume loud i come for the laughs but stay because you consistently remind me that there are still americans who haven't completely lost the plot every episode is equal parts group therapy stand-up comedy and public service announcement in a world where the news cycle feels like the longest running reality shit show ever produced.

16:13You somehow managed to make me laugh, think, and occasionally yell, thank you. Five stars from Canada. That means a lot because I've been so embarrassed by the way the Trump regime has treated Canada. It's so embarrassing. The entitlement and your country just needs to be ours. It's just every stereotype that people that are not from America have about America and Americans all in one fail swoop. They just prove the worst, the worst personality types of all Americans into that one situation. I don't know about you, listener, but I'm all about effortless, time-effective ways to get ready in the morning.

16:58I despise the heavy caked-on makeup look, but because I'm on camera every day, I have to wear some makeup. That's why I am so obsessed with Jones Road Beauty, particularly the Jones Road Beauty Miracle Balm. You can use it as a highlighter, bronzer, or lip tint. It's the ultimate no fuss multitasker. And the best thing about Jones Road Beauty Cosmetics, you guys, is every formula is packed with skin loving ingredients because clean beauty should just be the baseline standard. They also have a new product that I'm completely obsessed with. It is their foundation stick. If I don't get a lot of sleep one night because I'm reading the news too much and I wake up and my eyes are a little dark, I use that foundation stick, wipes it all away.

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19:20And right Right now you can save$20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to chewpanions.chewy.com slash I've had it podcast. That's chewpanions.chewy.com slash I've had it podcast to save$20 on your first order with free shipping. Chewpanions.chewy.com slash I've had it podcast. Minimum purchase required. new customers only. Terms and conditions apply. See site for complete details. All right. Thank you, Kylie. All right. Let's move on to some new stories. Right now, we have something going viral on BuzzFeed and pop this up. Screenshots of wild things mom posted in online mom groups that make me scared for the next generation.

20:16Let's go to the first one. this mom who expected teachers to wipe her child's butt after they used the bathroom question my son's teacher refuses to help him wipe is that normal so my son is four and he is in pre-k today when he got home he informed me that his teacher will not help him wipe his butt which really aggravates me. Yes, he is learning to wipe his butt, but he's four. So he obviously doesn't always do the best and can't get it all. Thankfully, he didn't have any streaks in his underwear or left on his butt today. But if he comes home like that at any time, I feel like I'm going to have to have a discussion with the teacher.

21:03Moms that have kids in pre-K, do your kids' teachers help wipe their butt? I feel like it's not normal for pre-k teachers to refuse to help four-year-olds wipe their butt what I'd like to point out here is that this woman sat down at a computer typed that out and hit send she thought she was right that is fucking crazy that was fucking crazy. I mean, I think my kids, I mean, not Emily probably, but the boys probably have skids into, you know, I mean, every now and then, not all the time, but first of all, I wouldn't want somebody wiping my four-year-old's ass. I mean, that's the thing. This is the thing with these parents right now.

21:52You bring up such a good point, Pumps. Everybody's so cruel to teachers. Number one, they don't make it like they teach they treat them like shit and it's not a very valued profession but in this instance she's mad because the teacher isn't wiping the ass in another instance another parent's going to be like this teacher got a wipe and wipe my child's butt and i think they're a pedophile i mean that's just kind of like teachers are damned if they do in the republican party maga has they have a full-blown assault on teachers right now but You bring up such an excellent point about that. Here's the thing, too.

22:29Like, they should wipe their own ass. If they have skids long enough, they'll get their ass cleaner. That's just, if a teacher's wiping a butt, they put, like, what, 30 pre-kindergarteners in a public school class now? All she's doing all day long is wiping asses. Fuck this woman. No. No, no, no, no. Let's go on to the next one. this mom who wanted her child's name to be a tribute to her marriage i'm almost seven months pregnant with our first child a little girl i've been fighting with my husband because he doesn't like the name i've picked out i want to name her tenderly c-i-n-d-e-r-l-e-i-g-h because we met on Tinder a little over a year ago.

23:15The site helped me find my true love, and I think the name is perfect. My husband thinks it's embarrassing and doesn't want people to know we met there. How can I convince him how special this name is to me? Plus, I'm a little hurt that he's embarrassed by the way we came together in this world, and then a bunch of emojis to follow. So again, I want to point out for the permanent record that somebody committed homicide, suicide of their dignity. She sat down at a computer, opened this up, typed it out and didn't hit backspace and go, I'm having a fucking crazy moment. This is unhinged. The last thing I'm going to do is post this on the internet.

24:03I'm with her up until that point. I've had crazy thoughts. I've been unhinged. She hit send. She hit publish. She signed it with emojis. That's what the tenderly. I mean, first of all, if you want to name your kid tenderly, go ahead. Being heard that your husband's embarrassed you met on Tinder, like get over it. Who cares? I mean, I think naming your kid tenderly is dumb. I think kids' names are getting increasingly dumb. I think the cute spellings are child abuse i think if they name this child tenderly it's it's layers of abuse i think it's layers of abuse it's just like you're branding your child with your dating shit these are the people this gal that wants to name her daughter tenderly this is the woman that will have a full-blown conversation with her husband in the comment section so that everybody else can see it all of this lives together there were multiple gender rubel's parties and i'm 100 certain they're maga 100 i do not believe any self-respecting progressive would name their child t-i-n-d-e-r-l-e-i-g-h tenderly there's some fucking bad names out there i mean there are some bad names out there i agree with you why are we why are we making so many consonants and vowels and in something that's unnecessary but the kids names are getting crazy they're getting fucking crazy they're crazy in fact i was just i had heard a name the other day and i was just like that used to just be a normal name i will tell you this though i've had slight buyer's remorse about how boring my kids names are they're just boring sam emily loop but it's much better they're no no i know but so this makes me happy but i'm just like i could have been a little more creative i could have but i didn't that's a miss but you know they're fine it's not like angie's a 10 out of 10 when did you start having the virus like a week ago randomly i was somebody was talking about emily had a friend and her name was harper and i just thought that's so that's cute yeah that's a cute really cute i just didn't dig deep at all just emily okay man and i picked them all so it's not i can't blame anyone but myself.

26:29All right, moving along. This mom who unschooled her child and deeply regretted it. Has anyone unschooled a child who organically learned to read right on their own, like a child who naturally teaches themselves how to stand and walk? And at what age did this happen? Please, my child is 8.5. And I recently went to a homeschool event where a reading tutor expressed her disappointment that I missed the window and now my child will struggle. I was under the impression that my child would naturally learn as her desire grew, as with all things in this human life, but would love some anecdotes to support us in this unschooled journey.

27:12Thanks. Thank you. Heart kiss emoji situation. Again, I'm confused about that. What is all that? stupidity these are just idiots that think that teachers have an agenda against their kids and that the deep state has some agenda against their kids that want their kids to learn that dinosaurs and human beings lived on the planet at the same time I perfectly I understand exactly why this gal posted this on the internet I get it huh unschooled is that a thing this is the definition it's child-led learning there are no mandatory lesson plans textbooks or standardized tests the children decide what when and how brilliant kids are just notorious decision makers i mean when i need a decision made i think let's have a child make that decision they're so decisive they never were awful they make their decision and they really just stay in it.

28:16There's never regret. What an idiot. Okay, the next one. This mom who tried to get their toddler to go to the gym. Hello, beautiful people. My son is only 27 months, but he's pretty advanced for his age physically and intellectually. I really want to get him started with healthy routines such as working out, eating, right, etc. Are there any gym classes for kids in his age group that are actual gym classes and not just running around and playing? We tried the little gym, which was fun, but it wasn't exactly focused, physically fitness. Thank you, exclamation point. No, for a 27 month old, you don't have fucking step aerobics.

29:07they're not going to Pilates like have you ever been around a 27 month old like that's what they do they run around and play and that is exercise she wants her kid doing burpees or something right we're going to hold a plank for two minutes everybody stop let's go again one word stupid these people are just this is fantastic I'm enjoying this so so much okay The next one is this mom who felt very strongly about not washing her baby with soap. Oh, my God. I would also rather let my baby eat dog food off the floor, which he's done a few times, than use soap on him. There is just no need for it unless there is a true need for it.

30:00All this. My son is nearly two years, never soap or lotion, lots of dog licks and food though. And then somebody responds again, I mean, right? I spray breast milk on everything. Hair, cuts, the dog face. I healed my dog's eyeball cancer with my breast milk. That never fucking happened, listener. Just FYI, this person is a fucking liar and a freak. they wanted to cut it out i said no and i sprayed it for weeks totally healed it i have picks

30:47the old breast milk for healing dog eye cancer what do you bet they're not vaxxers you want to put money on that 100 million percent these are the people that are like absolutely positively not vaxxed at all in the least

31:11so i spray i spray what are they doing did they get like the breast milk they pump it and they put it in like a water bottle with a sprayer and they just went could you imagine how sour this shit you thought that they wait you think they're like just sprinkling the breast around the house that's what i that was my first thought is they're just like grabbing a nipple grabbing a nipple and just honking it and there you go can you imagine the smell oh the sour rotten milk smell of all of this no no no i can't because you know how like kids get it in their little cracks and like you know just no i can't imagine but here's the deal my guess is she's not a big clean like she's not a huge soaper so she probably she's not a soaper she but i mean with herself right i think she's anti-soap of all the things to be anti about swap out the cleaning disinfecting nature of soap with the rotting mildewing curdling nature of milk really shows the stupidity that's running amok on the internet i mean really if you met this woman she's like please come for a play date and you get out and sprays you with milk yeah you're like oh i have a you know i have a hang nail oh here you go get that cleared right up i mean these i've strapped throat open your mouth