IQs Were Harmed in the Making of MAGA

28:29And so now it's like I would go to the gynecologist three times a day before I'd ever go to the dentist. I mean, I just hate it. I mean, it's a real mind fuck for me. Oh, I hate this. Little pumps was traumatized. Little pumps. So, yeah, I just I have so many questions about that. Like I get like the people that do Botox, you know, people that don't have a root canal is a pretty advanced thing. You have to x-ray and then go down into the root of the tooth. And you have to have all those injections and the tools. Is there a YouTube video that teaches such a thing? I mean, you know, that's crazy.

29:07But, you know, you've heard of these stories before, like on 60 Minutes or 48 Hours, like somebody claims they're a doctor and they're not. Like we watched some documentary about some guy that was like implanting fake organs in people's bodies. Do you remember that? Yes, I remember. He was in New York City. I remember that. And then he moved to another country. He was putting like fake, all kinds of shit. Fake windpipes. That's what it was. It was like Dr. Love or something. He was saying that he was, yes. And he killed people. Yeah. A lot of people died and it was an excruciating pain. Yeah. It was a horrible, tragic death.

29:43Horrible death. Yeah. All right. Anyway. Anyway. I do remember one time I was at a doctor that I'd never been to. And I did just happen to get on the OSCN, like, which is the Oklahoma Supreme Court network. So it lists all the cases. And I just Googled his name for shits and giggles. I'd never done that before. Seven lawsuits, which I'm like, one, completely get. Two, I even get. Seven, I just packed my shit up and left. Yeah, that's a good thing. Google your doctor, read the reviews, especially your dentist. Okay, so I think today we should hear from our listener, because I always love jumping into their grievances with them because I'm always in the market for new things to be pissed off about.

30:26And Trump's America, just I'm just what else can I be pissed at? Right. Let's line them up. Bring it on. All right. So, Kylie, who's up first? First, we've got Curtis. Lethika. Hello, pumps. Hello. Key the magic Lesbatron. This is me. And I have had it with and I know that we have just drug out the dead horse and beat it with a cane as much as we can about air travel. However, what we don't talk about enough is the way people act in airports. Now, I work at the airport. As a matter of fact, I work at the Atlanta airport, the biggest airport in the world. My office is smacked up in the center of it.

31:05I hate my life. There is this saying that we use in aviation. Everyone's always like, oh, they check their brains when they check their bags. No, listen, bitches. These people are beyond help. Okay. I don't know what it is with people when they get into airports, but why are you stopping in the middle of the concourse to look around? What the fuck are you looking at? I mean, this is an absolute epidemic. It needs to be studied. And quite honestly, I think we need to just burn it all down and start over. Okay. Thanks. Bye. He's spot on. And this is something that you, it happens to you a lot. You're walking, you're going, you know, you're, you're switching terminals.

31:51You've got to get to your gate. And then somebody just stops. Yeah. Right in the middle. And then just kind of starts looking around. And I caught myself doing this one time and one time only. And thank God the person that passed me was really hateful to me and I deserved every ounce of it. So you can't just stop in the middle of an airport walkway like this. I almost ran over you. And I mean, he was 100 % right. I grabbed my suitcase, went over to the side. I deserved it. I just served to be publicly humiliated. I deserve to be publicly shamed. I deserved every bit of it. And since then, I've made a commitment to myself and to others in the airport to be like, I want to be, if there is an award to be given out in airports, I want to be the best traveler award.

32:36And I'll give you an example. Recently, I was at LaGuardia, which were always there. And there was this girl in front of me and there was, guess what? Five crusty old white guys in front of her waiting on their bags to come through the machine, the x-ray machine. And these five little crusty McCrustersen's with their little muffin tops. And they do that, you know, hike up their pants and kind of give you a googly eye once over, you know, the tie. I know the tie. They think they're hot. Nobody ever told them they weren't. Right. And they think they're good lays. And nobody ever said, listen, Betty, you're a gyrator.

33:14Nobody's ever had to come to Jesus with these guys because they're white. And so this gal and I were like waiting, waiting for them to get all their stuff. and they all leave their little bins out. And I did it. And she looked at me, she goes, right. So she went real dramatically and got them all stacked on top of one another and then put them down. And I was like, you go girl, I support that. And then she had two bins for her. And I just, as a pay it forward to show her I was a good Samaritan and on her team for publicly shaming the crusty McCrusterson muffin tops. I said, I've got your bins.

33:49And I grabbed her bins and I put them over. And I just felt like women, again, delivering. It's always the women, I feel like. But here's the thing in an airport. I have done that one time too, where I stopped and was looking at a text. And when somebody holds you accountable, you remember. And you don't do it again. You modify your behavior. And here's the thing, what I think it is with airports. I think that we have this expectation that everyone will conform to the rules. for the betterment of everybody else. And they just simply will not. I mean, I get so fucking tired of people acting like it is a newsflash.

34:30It's the first time it's ever happened that you can't have water go through the x-ray machine at security. Like, dude, this has been happening for as long as I can remember. Take your fucking water bottle out and throw it away. Empty your Stanley or whatever the fuck you have. Like this is not personal. This is everybody has to do this. So it should not be a surprise to you. It should not be a surprise. They need your driver's license because every single flight for every year I've been alive required this type of identification. So all these people that act like it's the first time they're traveling, even though you know it's not i'm just like fucking pay attention maga i do i look at these people like it's a direct link stanley cups top knot headbands maga lack of accountability lack of awareness in an airport let me ask you this so on that same trip where that girl and i bonded at the bin put away part of the security checkpoint um after i made my way up near the gate i had to go do a pre-flight TT, right?

35:41So I go into the stall and shout out to LaGuardia for making your stalls big enough that you can bring your suitcase in and comfortably have enough leg space. So I go in to the stall, I open the door and then I look at the toilet and there's a huge giant turd. Oh, see, I just got chills because I've walked in that bathroom. A solid log and no toilet paper surrounding it. Okay. So my first question to you, yes or no, do you go in to that stall, flush it and use it or no, you avoid the stall altogether? I avoid the stall altogether. I boycott. I avoid the stall altogether. So I went out of that stall and then went to a stall that didn't have a heaping pile of shit in the bowl.

36:21Right. And then as I was peeing in my new stall, my shit free stall, I started thinking, why was there no toilet paper? with that turd? Are we talking about somebody went in here and dropped a fucking bomb and didn't wipe their ass and didn't flush the toilet and tucked and rolled to their gate and sat on an airplane with other human beings? And that's what I was thinking about while I was peeing. I had so many questions surrounding that turd sitting there in solitude. What do you think? What do you think happened there? Because somebody's ass didn't get wiped because there was no toilet paper in their pumps.

37:05Probably one of those crusty white guys. And it's not like the turd came back out because at airports, it is a flusher with, I mean, just, it's a commercial grade flusher. Yes. The turd's not sucking back, coming back out. Now, the minute you said there was no toilet paper in a turd, I immediately thought somebody is rolling around with shit on their ass that they could have wiped but chose not to. and then sitting on an airplane with recycled air why are we not like here's what i have to say about this and this happens a lot if you poop in public okay you we're human beings everybody has to shit shit child book what's the book everybody poops what is it i can't remember everybody craps whatever anyway um so you go you have to go take a shit in public you have to remain with that shit in the stall with the door locked until it is all the way down.

37:57Another point, if you've got skitters in the toilet, you've got to stay and keep flushing and you've got to leave that toilet ship free. Absolutely. And the last thing I want to think about, and I thought about this, the remainder of my flight home is whose shitty ass is on what flight? Are they on my flight? Do we have rogue feces and ash cheeks on this airplane right here right now? Is that what we have going on in Trump's America. We got feces, ash cheeks on this flight right now. Yeah. And I just, it's, I can't deal with this. No, that is like the grossest of the gross. And I mean, the minute you said that, I'm thinking, did they not wipe their ass?

38:37Like, and why are you not standing guard until that shit is down? Like it is down, down, down. And I will say in my lifetime, And it's probably been in the last probably two years. I don't think it was an airport, but I had to poop in public. It was an emergency. Like you poop in public all the time. I don't as much as I used to, but growth. It's growth. But I mean, so I'm standing there and I'm guarding that thing. Well, there was a spot that I, it wasn't going down. Like it was a skitter that was sticking. And I did like two, three flushes. Do you know what I did in a public fucking restroom?

39:14You got toilet paper. Yes, I did. I was like, I'm not walking out of this and leaving a skit. Like not on my watch. I may have offended the entire bathroom for which I apologize, but I will not leave this thing. And I like if I have perfume in my purse, I'm spraying the perfume and I'm doing everything to try not to affect other people. When you shit in public, do you start fleshing as the shit comes out? 100%. Is it just a consistent sound of fleshing? because that's if I ever have to do it, if I'm in a dire situation, which is about once every five years, it is just a constant stream of courtesy flush after courtesy flush.

39:52And the courtesy flush is for multiple reasons. For sound barrier. Absolutely. For scent protection. Yeah. And skitter protection. It is it should just be a jet stream of fleshing throughout the entire thing. So how somebody at LaGuardia International Airport walked in and dropped a solid log and did not wipe their ass and didn't wait for that log to be put in the sewage is just beyond me. I almost think they didn't even flush at all. I think it was premeditated. Calculate. Yeah, I do. I think this is a sick puppy. I think there is a sick puppy on the loose, some sick twisted shitter that gets some excitement from just dropping a log, not wiping, flying on an airplane with feces in their ass cheeks.

40:42and not fleshing. And now they're being spoken about on America's Top DEI podcast. You know what else I think? I think that person, that lady was probably in the Moms for Liberty. A hundred percent. We haven't talked, we haven't heard from them lately, but that sounds exactly like a Moms for Liberty. I think that is a Moms of Liberty type situation. As my children aren't growing older, they're becoming more susceptible to fragrance in the products they use on their skin. And that is why I have been now diving in to what are the chemicals in the products that I use. And I am finding that so many chemicals are in there that are unnecessary.

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43:45Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game, shifting a little money here and a little there and just hoping it all works out? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can be a better budgeter and potentially lower your insurance bill too. You tell Progressive what you want to pay for car insurance and they'll help you find options within your budgets. So try it today at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. okay up next we've got kelly hello jen head beaver in charge and kiki the magical lesbian um i have had it with people asking me for directions like put it in your fucking phone and let your phone tell you where to get to where you're going like if i tell you hey we're having a birthday get together at this place don't respond with where is that right i literally gave you the address not fucking lewis and clark here like i'm not gonna tell you to go north or south and on top of that.

44:52I've also had it with somebody trying to give me directions like that. Like, I don't need directions. I just give me a landmark. Like, do I turn left at McDonald's or not? Don't tell me, oh, go north on interstate 70. No, I don't want any of that. I just just don't fucking ask me how to get somewhere. Like you have all the tools to make that happen. That should never be your response. Just say, OK, or what's the address? But you know what? Don't even ask me for that either, because fucking look it up. This is one of the best things about cell phones, Because if you grew up in the 80s or in the 50s, like pumps did, you the getting directions was this art form.

45:29Yeah. And it was like a compliment where we didn't have, you know, any sort of we had maps. But if you're going somewhere locally in town, you would say if you got to a place from point A to B and somebody gave you directions, you're literally on a landline and you would write down, OK, go down, you know, Pennsylvania Avenue, turn right. at the second stop sign, turn left. And if when you arrived to the place, you would tell the person you gave great directions. And if they gave bad directions, then it was a criticism. God, you give terrible directions. And that's a gift that we don't have to talk about that anymore.

46:03I 100 % agree. And it is so infuriating when someone says, how do I get there? It's like, fucking look it up. Like she said, like you have all the tools. Here's the thing that there's a double-edged sword to this, our boys, well, our youngest, my son cannot get to Jennifer Welch's house from my house. And he has been there his whole life, his entire life. Like this is not new, but unless he puts your address in the map thing, he doesn't know how to get there. So it's like, they're so dependent on the map, like the young drivers that they're like, if their phone were to go out, they're fucked. Like Luke Olson could not get to Roman Welch's house if his life depended on it without putting it in the MapQuest.

46:52And he has been there for 15 years in your new house. Yeah. No, it's, it's, I mean, smartphones definitely make people dumb, but smartphones, as somebody who's trying to talk to people less and communicate with people less, the fact that I don't have to hear a crusty old crusty McCresterson muffin top. Well, what you got to do is I'll tell you this. Here's what you do. You go north and the men were the worst. There was, it just, it went on and on and on the directions. And I have not missed that one bit. And I will take, I will sacrifice an IQ point on our children to not have to hear those directions from Crest and McCrestersons.

47:41Yeah, especially if you had to stop at a gas station. Yeah, we can give up an IQ point for Luke and Roman on that. Yeah. They're smart enough. All right, Kylie, next. Okay, we've got Ryan. Hello, Blessica. Hello, Pumps. Hello, Kiki, the magic lesbian. Hello, Seth, the DEI hire. This is Ryan coming from you all the way in Orlando. a section of Florida that does not identify with being in Florida. I fucking had it with bumper stickers that say, my cat is a Republican. My dog is a Democrat. First of all, your pets can't fucking vote. And even if they could, they wouldn't be voting for a goddamn Republican.

48:25Right. Stop it. Stop it. It's enough. Have a wonderful day. Thank you so much for being you. You know, I think this is a really good point because I think if animals could vote, they would clearly never vote for Republicans by virtue of the fact that the Republican Party just appointed the secretary of Homeland Security, one Kristi Noem, who when she's not playing dress up, which she does all the time, which is fucking wild, like the super high cabinet position in the United States of America. And this woman rolls out, you know, we're talking three, four dozen different costumes this woman has.

49:03And before being in this position, she played up dress up as like a dentist. I think she's got some sort of dress up porn fetish. I promise you. But I digress. Yeah. But she shot a dog. Her family dog. A dog named Cricket. A dog named Cricket that was her pet. She shot the dog. And prior to her, one presidential candidate that was beaten by one Barack Hussein Obama. And this GOP candidate's name was Mitt Romney, whom I affectionately referred to as Mittens. He tied his dog to the roof of his car and went on a road trip. So Republicans have a history of not understanding how you're supposed to treat animals, which comes as no surprise to me because they treat women like shit.

49:46They treat black people like shit. They treat immigrants like shit. And they treat gay people like shit. So dogs and cats and all that would just be right in there. So no dog or cat in their right fucking mind would ever vote for a Republican. Unless they were like the Caitlyn Jenner of dogs. Just like. A dog that hates being a dog. Right. A dog that hates being a dog. Maybe it's a weenie dog and it wants to be a golden retriever. Yeah. Right. It could be. Teeny weenie issues. A teeny weenie issue. You're right. There's a lot of teeny weenie issues out there. Especially in MAGA. But here's the thing too.

50:19And I know I've said this if you've heard it once a thousand times. Not only did Christy know shoot her dog, her children's dog, their pet, she put it in a book and told people. And the other people that read the book, nobody ever thought like, I don't think you tell everybody that you murdered your family pet. So nobody around her thought it was a good idea either. But it advanced her career. Donald Trump was like, you fucking shot your dog? Come over. Be a cabinet secretary. Be in charge of FEMA. When people lose their houses and their pets, you're the perfect person to help. Yeah. It's crazy.

51:02It's fucking nuts. It's fucking crazy. The Republican Party is a death cult. It is. It is a death cult. It is just an absolute death cult. They want women to die. They don't want people to have health care. They want to, somebody just recently died in ICE custody and that piece of shit Tom Holman was like, yeah, people die in custody. Who gives a shit? That Joni Ernst, she's a senator. People die. I mean, they're just, they're an absolute white, crusty death cult with Clarence Thomas and Caitlyn Jenner as their little tokens. Right. All right. Last one, Kylie. Okay. The last one is from Flo. I love that name.

51:45I fucking had it with snoring. I feel like snoring is the most socially acceptable antisocial behaviour that there is because people just say that they can't help it. What do you mean you can't help it? What do you mean you can't just breathe silently while you sleep? Like, what the fuck is up with that? Close your mouth. Get us a mouth tape if you really must. And I know it's hashtag not all men, but it is a predominantly male issue. It just riles me up even further. The other day I was on a flight. and a man a couple seats down from me was just snoring cacophonously for the whole flight and I was thinking here I am doing the exact same as you oxygen goes in carbon dioxide goes out silently there is no need for this rumbling grumbling grating fucking irritating sound to be coming out of you what is going on if I was in a shared space either public transport or a shared room and it was like publicly determined that it was sleep time, would it be acceptable for me to play I've Had It podcast out loud?

52:53No, it would not because that would disturb the fellow sleepers. So why on earth are we putting up with snoring, a similarly disruptive, noisy, nocturnal activity? Oh, I've had it. How much do we love flow? I love flow. Do I snore? No. I don't? No. I mean, you might get into a cadence of just like a little bit of heavy breathing, but nowhere near a snore. You don't snore either. When we would share rooms on our... The only thing you do in the middle of the night is you reach over for your vape. She vapes in her sleep. I vape in my sleep. Okay. Here's the thing about the snoring. I blame people on planes that are snoring like that.

53:36Like when you're like made aware that that's happening, you have to make yourself stay up. Like you can't, you can't go to sleep. Like if you're going to just sit there or put the, what are those little nose breathe right deals? Yeah. The tape on your nose. And here's the thing. I will admit this. This is just, this happened maybe four flights ago. I fell asleep in my seat and I woke up and my mouth was hanging open. Like I was catching every fly on planet earth. did you have drool down your face drool the whole night i was horrified i was so embarrassed that i was sitting there i didn't i mean i was like i'm not going back to sleep like this is embarrassing oh you forced yourself to stay awake because i was just like i am now one of those people that sits around sitting next to a person were you in the seat by yourself no i was in the seat by myself but that's not the point but you flight attendant thought you forced yourself to stay away after that.

54:33That's like other people shouldn't see your mouth hanging open and drool coming out. So the snoring is just a whole new level. So you put yourself in an awake state, time out. I'm like set myself up. No more reclining. I was like, okay, we're doing this. Read my book. Because I was just like, it's fucking gross. Like it's just too much. I don't really mind it. Like if people fall asleep on planes. No, I know. But if your mouth's hanging up and drool's coming out, I just don't look at people on planes. And I probably wouldn't have noticed either. But if somebody would have had their mouth hanging open, like I would notice that.

55:08And the snoring, I'll tell you what I would have done. I would have walked right over and go, sir, you're snoring. No one else can sleep. I would have. I don't doubt it, Karen. Karen would just be all in his business. I don't doubt it. I don't doubt it for one second. I mean, I just know that you would definitely do that. I've seen you do similar type interruptions. Oh, you'll love this. So I was at my son's and we were on the phone with the management company and he's on speaker. And so he's asking a question. She's answering it. Well, then I just pipe in because it's on speaker. And like I ask a question.

55:47I got the deaf look. And when that phone hung up, I got read to filth. do not butt in when I am talking to the management company. I'm 25 years old. I do not need your help answering this question. Did I mean, he was like kind of joking, but serious as a heart attack. And I was like, you're 100 % right. You're a hundred percent right. He's like, I know you can't help yourself because you're such a fucking Karen backup. And I was like, okay, you're right. you're right i did good for sam yeah i mean he just like read me to hell good for sam all right i think that's all we have for today on this very special episode of i've had it where we want you to go buy our book life is a lazy susan of shit sandwiches it is a tell all manifesto and we will see you all when pumps we will see you next tuesday and thursday y 'all have to know what's going on day Thursday so pumps for a long time at the end of the podcast she would say we'll see you next Tuesday and Thursday I've been practicing like so I would always die laughing and then I would just die laughing so now it's in her head and so every time I say we'll see you next as pumps tell him see you next Tuesday and Thursday

57:20Listen up, patriots, gaytriots, and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20 minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcast and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind. Pumps, what does an eagle say? Caw-caw. A little bit more enthusiasm. Caw-caw. That's it. That's the patriotism that this country needs right there.

58:10Thank you.