Merry Griftmas

0:02So are we supposed to start the podcast? ready one two three patriots gay triots they triots black triots brown triots and maggot people can do what pumps fuck off that there she is there's her little i mean that's my little unclaimed fame is that fuck off and i just i have to say it keeps getting better it really does i think it really fires up the base the listenership of um i've had it I think as stupid as we feel doing it when we're in a studio with guests, like serious guests. It's embarrassing. Like I remember when we did it in front of Zora and Mom Donnie and he just kind of like busted out laughing.

0:45Yeah. I always feel like I just want to like put a bag over my head and do it and then take it back off and pretend it never happened. But in these moments where it's just you, me and the listener and Kylie, it feels, yeah, it feels great, right? Right? Because it's like, we're just by ourselves. Yeah. There's four of us here. That's all. Amy and Kylie, the listener, Seth. Sometimes Seth is in when he's, he's in the background, you guys, as he's editing, he's on in on the stream. All right. The star of our show, America's greatest legal mind, the princess Diana of podcasting. Yeah. Pumps. What have you had it with?

1:26Okay. What I've had it with, and I mean, I've had it with this every day, at least once a day. I've had it with people running around calling the Department of Defense the Department of War. That is the biggest little dick energy, teeny weeny peeny I have ever heard. When you have to say, I'm a big boy, I run the Department of War because I'm a big war soldier. It is so fucking juvenile. It just shows how unserious this administration and Pete Hegseth are. And just every time I hear someone call it the Department of War, it's like cringe, cringe, cringe. And so that's why I had just such a giggle when the last suck Trump's dick cabinet meeting happened.

2:20And the Secretary of War's placard said, Secretary spelled S-S. Like they can't even fucking spell. Only Congress can rename a cabinet department. So everybody calling it the Department of War, all you're doing is telling me you have an inferiority complex. You feel very insecure and that your dick is less than two inches rock hard. And that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I just find it so offensive. Yeah. You know, these insecure, emotionally stunted men, I just feel like the gig is up. Like it's just so they, they, the insecurity, the little dick energy, just, it's just so cringy to watch.

3:12And then all of the people surrounding them that try to fluff each other up. It's like watching all of these people in a homosocial relationship trying to fluff each other up. No, you're pretty masculine. No, you're pretty masculine. No, you're pretty masculine. And it just... You're not the male. Yeah.

3:32The brokenness of these men, I wonder if it's linked to young men feeling lonely and isolated because the people that could be their mentors, you know, ambient mentors out in the world are these dipshits. And that would be pretty depressing, which brings me to my grievance, which is dealing with the other gender. I've had it with women that have full-time jobs, getting on television or podcasting microphones or interviews, telling other women that they need to value marriage and children and staying at home. And these women are doing this from their full-time jobs. They are away from their children, have childcare, working 40, 50 hours a week, weaponizing their gender to use to suppress other women.

4:28And the through line in all of this fascism that the Trump regime is doing is misogyny. And they have intentionally weaponized these women like Bondi, Eric Kirk, a lot of these right-wing influencers, Megyn Kelly, all of these women are career women. They all have careers, yet they are telling other women, you need to value marriage and you need to value children. It's none of your fucking business, what other people value or what matters to them. First and foremost, this is a bullshit thing from the Republican party that the Democrats need to respond to. And the Republican has had ownership in this for like 20 years.

5:17We're pro-family party. Well, duh, who's not pro-family? I mean, that's just, when your policies as a party is you have to say something that is a foregone conclusion, then we know you're actually not pro-family. What we know is that you're only pro a certain type of family, that you're an absolute bigot when it comes to other families, that you probably look down upon interracial families, that you look down upon families where maybe it's two lesbians or maybe two gay men, you think it's your business and you think you can quantify which families are better. And you think you can quantify which women can work and which women can't because you're a party of codependent, toxic, busy bodies that like to crawl up in everybody's ass and park there and deal with this bullshit stuff instead of Actually, if you were pro-family and you were pro-women, you'd shut the fuck up and get to work in Congress and do something that made a difference.

6:26But you don't. It's all propaganda. And women in this country, do not listen to these grifting women that think it's their business what you do in your private life. Some women may want to be housewives and breed and have a bunch of kids. Great. Swing for the fences. is not my fucking business. Some women may want to be married and have kids and have a career. Great. Swing for the fences. It's not my fucking business. What I do want to remind women is that there has been a lot of work before all of us have arrived at this moment by a lot of brave women to make sure that women are safer. And there's still an ongoing fight for wage equality, which has still not been realized yet.

7:18And a lot of women, as these Christian women are out there propagandizing these very dangerous messages, it's very important right now on this Christmas day, right now, there are women all over America that are in abusive relationships, maybe a relationship with an active addict or an active alcoholic. They are either being financially controlled or abused. The children are being financially controlled and abused and witnessing all of this. And if you really care about women and you really care about families, don't prevent exit strategies for people getting away from abusive relationships. Right now on this Christmas day, there are a lot of women in tears that feel like they can't leave because they don't have money because their husbands have kept it all from them.

8:13This isn't all families, but it's some families. And this idealism that MAGA projects, this 1950s housewife that serves the martini and the steak, suicide rates among women were much higher back then. The data of all of this stuff is not that we were greater back then. As daunting as it feels to be an American right now, we're actually better because we have leaned into equality more and leaned into lifting up marginalized people. And really brave women that fought really hard for Erica Kirk and for Megyn Kelly and some of these other women to have full time jobs. These brave women took huge risks, and really did the civil rights work for women to progress.

9:14And so as you're sitting there demeaning something that a lot of women fought for your right to do, you are endangering women, you are endangering children and you are endangering the thing that you claim you love more than anything else, which is family. Here's the thing, the tired Republican argument of we love family, we are so pro-life bullshit. You're pro-birth. You don't want any social safety nets. You don't want paid family medical leave. You don't want anything that facilitates making it easier and better for a parent or parents. And my follow-up would be, I was raised in a system of internalized misogyny because evangelical Christianity, white evangelical Christianity makes people believe that women are subservient to men.

10:10So you got to take a look at that. Why does the Bible, why do these people allege that men should be the head of the household and women should submit? I'll tell you exactly why. It's in the Bible and they want control. They want to control women. They want to control their sex lives. They want to control how much money they have. And there is nothing good that comes from making women be subservient to men because old white men have been in charge forever and look at where the fuck we are. And to add to your group of women that sit there and platform this idea that women should be trad wives. I think about the social influencers that are making a gazillion videos a day about how great it is to be a trad wife.

10:56Being a trad wife on the internet is a full-time fucking job. And let's not forget, there are some women that don't have choices. This model assumes women always have choices. That is not the case. So I completely wholeheartedly agree with you. I think the Trump administration and the Republican parties latching on to, you know, Project 2025 and all of that, it makes women less safe. I completely agree with you. go get them pumps all right welcome to i've had it i'm jennifer i'm angie kylie's here kylie oh my gosh look at our little ho ho ho santa's helper i'm your ho ho ho you're a lesbian santa helper i am it's d it's a dei christmas here at i've had it i'm a dei elf i love that dei christmas nailed it yeah it's a dei christmas at i've had it podcast everybody is welcome except for white racist mega fuckers yep actually any mega fuckers yeah yeah i was gonna say yeah yeah across the board yeah okay um today i want to go over an instagram post that i saw with you guys and I'll describe it for the listener.

12:16So the Tony Michaels posts this. It's a photo of Trump walking through like a field of flowers. And it says, you've heard of Elf on a Shelf. And then the comment section did not disappoint. So we're going to go through it. So you've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but have you heard of Pedo in a Meadow?

12:40Shit smear on the frontier. poopy pants in the plants abusive powers in the flowers wow arterial clots in the forget-me-nots dementia on an adventure disaster in the pasture in the botanical putin's pawn on the lawn oh my gosh so good people are so good brain dead in a flower bed man child in the wild love this cunt on a hunt oh that's good insurrection in the flower section lard in the yard cognitive decline on a vine crazy in the daisies this is the last page i got zero morals amongst the florals bubba blower with no lawnmower no looking for bill on the hill skid mark in the park small peen in the green labial neck folds in the marigolds and tiny handsies in the pansies and it went on and on that makes me feel so patriotic yes that makes me realize listener we're still here we've still got it america is still here and we've still got it that was so gorgeous and that is that is america at its best right there truly it's creativity it's smart it's uh clever it's cunty it's so good kylie that was a christmas miracle i needed to feel faith in americans and that that was an absolute christmas miracle a plus plus plus plus plus plus plus love that i mean that was so good my cheeks hurt from laughing when i saw it my christmas i opened that comment section and i i mean i felt warmth I felt like I feel I feel like I want to put a flag up.

14:40Do you know that makes me feel patriotic? Because God, these, these fucking page, hey, Patriot. I'm just I'm so I mean, like, I feel like there's a national fatigue of these dipshits. Are y 'all feeling that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I just wonder if it's me. no i think it's real i think it's totally real i mean i just think everybody's like shut the fuck up with your whole identity being the trump fight fight fight uh video or photo and the american flag shut up shut the fuck up shut you got him you got him three times and look at where we are you fucking moron and here's something i'm just Here's just a, sorry, Kylie, stay on the screen.

15:29Everybody needs to see Santa's helper. I've had it with like this whole thing of like, we need to, you know, have an off ramp and have a place for these triple Trumpers to come land. They're never going to like us. If they triple Trumped, it's over. You have to get our own base out. The cool people that wrote all these comments sections, there's a bunch of those people out there. I completely agree. I get so tired of hearing that because if, first of all, they're down to like, what, 30 % of the country, you just have to cut bait and say, we're never going to reach them. Peace out. We're going to vote for your rights, but we're not going to try to endear ourselves to you.

16:14I completely agree. Totally agree. I also think there's so many more of us than it feels like. And like when the bot thing came out on MAGA and they're all from Nigeria, they're all from India. That was the most comforting moment for me because I was being gaslit this whole time. I'm like, there are not this many people that believe this. Exactly. Prove me right. It's all fake. Yeah. I mean, there's real ones. I've met them. Yeah, we know some. I'm related to them. Yeah. Every year, billions of dollars are spent on gifts that gather dust. But the greatest gift isn't something you wear or display.

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19:05Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank. Member FDIC. Direct deposit and promotions provided by Cash App. A Block, Inc. brand. And visit cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Okay. What's next, Kylie? Okay. I've got some news stories. And this one is pastor. And this is real before you even ask Angie. Pastor who farts on the faces of his congregation to heal and cure them with God's power is going viral. It says a pastor reportedly farts on people's faces as a healing process to cure all spiritual and physical problems.

19:52Pastor Christ Penelope of Sevenfold Holy Spirit Ministries has created a buzz online for his unorthodox method of healing people after a photo of him sitting on the heads of people, apparently farting on them went viral. According to the pastor, farting near the person's nostrils is important so that the healing power can enter the body to do its work. Quote, it started with Master Jesus when he stepped on Peter. It is the demonstration of God's power, just like God made Adam go into a deep sleep. It's a similar thing. I have some photos of him. For the listener, the pastor is literally sitting on their faces, farting on them.

20:33I don't even know what to say about this. This is so unbelievable. Like, I'm sitting there going, are you sure this is real? because how can this be real? And then I think all the crazy shit that Trump does and says, no wonder people buy it. And they're not offended because they're going to church in their posture sitting on their face and fucking farting. Like what in the fuck is happening? Why is this okay? Like I don't understand. All I'll add to this is I always think like there's no more reasons for me to be an atheist. That's been determined a long time ago. And the evidence just keeps rolling in as to, oh, here's another reason why I'm not into religion at all.

21:23I think it's all a grifting, controlling bullshit. And listen, I know it's a big, big day for a big birthday boy. I know that listener. And for those of you that are of faith and don't fart or go to a farting church, or don't go to a big mega church where they're promoting you to tithe and you have some sort of, you know, serenity that you get from this thing. I'm not talking about you, but because I'm a cultural Christian, you can see here, I have all sorts of Christmas decorations around the apartment. I mean, love Christmas. It's really fun to celebrate birthdays and the birthday boy, but I'll remind everybody that before it was Jesus's birthday, it was a pagan holiday that the Christians borrowed.

22:06You can look that up. They would go out and get trees and bring them back. And it was more so to do with like sunlight and things. So, you know, there's a lot of things that our species has worshiped and done. But I do think on this big birthday today, we do need to keep calling out these religions and mega churches and grifters like this, that at the core, people are just looking for belonging and answers and community. And there's so many bad actors in these spaces that really propagandize people into thinking like their whole ethos should be like purity culture and anti-gay shit. And that's what megachurch, that's what it boils down to.

22:55They teach purity culture, anti-gay, and then Christian narcissism. They don't teach anything. Maybe on Christmas, they'll trot out and feed the homeless or something. But if you go to a mega church and they have over a hundred million dollars just sitting in the bank, you're in a cult. Yeah. And if they're farting on you at church, you're in a cult. Okay. So I have an admission. Are you farting on people at church? I'm farting on people at church. That's what I'm doing. I knew it. I didn't put up a tree this year. I didn't put up one last year because we were out of town. My thought process. It's the devil.

23:33It's the devil. I know. And remember, I used to call it all over the house. You used to be a church-going Christian, and then you started hanging out with me. It's all your fault. And now look, you're not even celebrating the birthday boy. I put Christmas lights up. I have a wreath out, but I thought, we're going to go see my son that lives in Houston. I don't have one fucking decoration up in my house and I kind of felt guilty about it. I even drove my fat ass out to this big Christmas store. And I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to get in the season. I'm going to do it. I'm going to put it on my kitchen table.

24:05I'm going to do it. It was closed. And I thought, fuck it. I tried. I also have to tell you something. Ever since you got on Ozempic and Mongero, you're not fat anymore. You weigh like a hundred pounds. You're tiny. You were an extra small. You don't get to call yourself. It's not necessarily a description. It's just a smart ass that, you know, thinks they're cool. It's a fat ass, whether you're fat or not. I appreciate it, but I'm not going to call you fat. Kylie, are you going to call her fat ass? I'm not. No. Also, Jen, it just felt like a good day to remind everybody that when I was 12 or 13, I asked my parents for a purity ring because I wanted one so bad.

24:49yes because you went to a what kylie i did not yet i went to a methodist church at this time a small okay and then you went to a mega church yes and now i'm a lesbian who lives with her live-in girlfriend after four years so purity and that that purity culture is something they start just pumping into children and did your parents get you the promise, the purity ring? Yeah. I didn't have any money, so I had to ask for it. And I'm sure they were delighted to give it to you because I've known people that have gotten purity rings for like their child has asked for a purity ring and they can't get to the store quick enough to buy it.

25:32And they think it's like a sign of good parenting. And it was like cool to have one. Like I was not as cool as other people that had one in my school or in my life. because everybody had it okay let me ask you a follow-up question did you notice that the girls that were wearing the purity rings were they like super into the huh slutty okay they were okay now my other question is did they really believe it or were they just doing it for their parents like you believed it at some point yeah i did so the slutty girls have the pure here's You know what I think we have to talk about you guys, this is really important.

26:14It's really child abuse and damaging to tell kids, prepubescent kids to start talking about virginity, ad nauseum and saving yourself till marriage. And if you don't, it's the devil and these demons and they're going to gobble you up. And this is abuse. This is incredible abuse. instead of educating people as age appropriately as they go. But these are the people that think that there's some trans agenda in schools, right? Meanwhile, they're brainwashing kids to already have problems with their sexuality. They're pre-spinning desire. They're pre-spinning. Think about how diabolical that is. Once you get hormones, it's normal that you're going to want to slap and tickle.

27:05That's how it goes. hormones attraction slap and tickle they are pre-spinning hormones and pre-shaming children before they get the hormones it is so fucking abusive you guys and it just never gets talked about it just gets set aside that oh yes purity culture and we're saving ourselves for virgins it's the worst idea on the planet to wait until you get married and then what's i mean then what happens. Kylie, think if you would have done this, the first guy you had sex with had a micro penis. Am I correct? Yeah. And his nickname was peen because of that. And then they just think about if you'd married him pain, then you're a lesbian that gets fucked by a micro penis forever.

27:52Had you followed your religion, right? Like you wouldn't be this fabulous lessee, you know, Santa's little helper. I just, I think it's so insane how consumed American children are with virginity. And I think it's child abuse. I think it's child abuse to pre-spend shame into kids. And that's what mega churches do. That's what these little Christian schools do. It's horrible. And they feel guilt for lusting, which is just a crush. It's a fucking crush. thinking about french kissing the boy that sits two seats over for you and these kids feel like oh i've lusted and the devil's in my brain it's fucking bananas and those of you listening on this very holy day big birthday boys day on the east coast this shit is so real and fly over america those two i mean it's i went to school with so many girls that were so all about purity culture And just, I mean, for the record, they were the first ones that got the cherries popped.

29:00Well, let me just tell, I mean, I know our forever listeners know this story, but when I first had sex and I was not married, I distinctly remember everything about it because we'd gotten a little hotel room. Oh, wait, I didn't know that part. Yeah, because I was in college. Was it a hotel or a motel? I was a motel. I misspoke. it was highway hotel motel hall yeah it was because one of my girlfriends wait wait a couple of follow-up questions follow-up question real quick we had a fake id to use it did you was it pre-decided we're gonna go to this this trashy motel and we're gonna fuck what had you had you pre-committed to losing the virginity yeah okay oh okay planned it was planned okay it was super Sydney.

29:54Oh, God, you little. Tell us every day. I'm sure you could have rented it by the hour if you wanted to. You had to have an ID. So my girlfriend from Houston had a fake ID. She was cooler than us because we didn't have fake IDs. And so she went and rented the room under her fake ID name. So we went to dinner, we went and saw a movie, did the deed. And I distinctly remember like laying there thinking when I get out of this bed hell's gonna open up devil's gonna grab my ankle and pull me down and to say that I mean that is as serious as I can tell you I thought that like laid there like kind of paralyzed until I just had to go to the bathroom Of course, I didn't go to hell.

30:44I'm a sparkling vestal virgin. Any devil spottings? Picture of purity and light. But yeah, so if you're on the East Coast or you're in a foreign country and you think that sounds fucking crazy, it's real. It is real. And the Speaker of the House, everybody, got his daughter a purity ring and took her to some freaky, creepy Christian ceremony where he fucking married her. and said, your virginity is mine, and then I'll give it to your husband later. So not only is this inherently sexist, this is child abuse. They are pre-spinning what happens to you. Every human being, when you go through puberty, you develop a crush.

31:26You want to make out with people. There's nothing wrong with that. It's perfectly normal. There's no shame in it. And the diabolical and manipulative and exploitive nature of these evangelical white Christians to pre-spin this to prepubescent children is nothing short of child abuse. You are abusing your children psychologically and pre-shaming them sexually for something that every human being experiences. Lust, desire, crushes. Teach them how to screw safely. and with dignity and consent, that's much better because these poor Christians, the teen pregnancy rate is much higher within the red states than it is on the coast because they teach this abstinence only bullshit and it just simply doesn't work.

32:21And my God, could you imagine you wait your whole life and then you have sex and then it's just like, what if that person is a gyrator and Kylie's instance, a micropene, you know, and you have to fuck that forever. And these are the same people that are trying to make it more difficult for women to get divorced. Right. Right. Wow. That's just, first of all, I just want to say, I'm so glad that the two of you are not in that black and white world thinking anymore, that you're both so like got your own brains and opened up your minds. And Kylie, I'm glad that you are the fabulous lesbian that you are.