Pray Harder, Die Faster

0:02So are we supposed to start the podcast? ready one two three patriots gay triots they triots black triots brown triots all of maga can do what pumps fuck off i love that adding that in all of maggot welcome to america's top dei podcast pumps what have you had it with okay what i've had it with are returns i hate having to return a product. I hate it because I feel like they try to make it harder than it has to be. You have to go to your email, you have to print something, then you have to take it. Then you have to go get all that done. Even if you don't have to pay for it, it's just the time that it takes.

0:49I ended up, I ended up just keeping shit a lot of times because it's the hassle, but I have a few things that I know this is going to shock all of our listeners, but I would buy two of the exact same things. I did that three times for my daughter. Cause she sent a list and I bought it three times, like not on purpose, obviously. So I have to go every time I get it. I'm like, fuck, why did I do that? So I just hate returns generally. And I also hate when something looks so good and you buy it and then you come home and it fucking sucks when you actually get it. And there you are, you're having to slop up there and do another return.

1:31So that's my thing. I've had it with returns. I completely agree. Returns are a nightmare. Post-Christmas returns. It's just, it's like the stores are even busier the week following Christmas because there's sales. And for a lot of people, like maybe you couldn't afford to get the thing that you wanted for your child or for yourself before Christmas. You're going to get it after Christmas to get all the sales and the return aspect of it. I feel like either if you're mailing it in, they make it difficult. And if you go to the store to return, the line is like a mile long and it completely relatable.

2:06Okay. I'm going to tell you what I've had it with. I've had it with tests like flu test or COVID test up the nose. I don't want something stuck up my nose. Like, can we do the throat? Can we do a cheek? I have a cell phone that can talk to me. I have like the technology is so advanced. We're cramming shit up the nose. And so here's what happened. Listener, everybody knows my husband's a hypochondriac, right? And so last week I didn't feel well. And when I very first got COVID the very first time prior to the vaccine coming out, October of 2020 it was, I had this really weird rash on my torso. And I was like, this is weird.

2:52What is this rash? And I thought, well, so I Googled like COVID and rash. And I was like, yeah, it actually is a thing. So I went, cram up the nose, I had COVID. And like the biggest symptom that I had was a rash on my torso combined with feeling very lethargic. So I've had COVID one time since that first time. Same thing, rash, lethargic. So Josh had been up to New York with me and we'd worked out, you know, done fun stuff together, et cetera. And then he leaves and I'm like, I don't feel well. I have that weird rash on my torso and I'm so tired. I think I have COVID and we're on FaceTime. You guys, he goes, what?

3:38If you have COVID, then maybe I have COVID. Maybe that'll explain what's been going on with me. You need to find out you need to go take the test right now. He's excited. He was excited at the potential. At the potential, skipped right over Oh, I'm sorry, you feel bad. But Oh my god, if you have this gift of COVID, maybe I can have the same gift of code because he's a hypochondriac.

4:07Pumps, he was elated. He's like, you know, he's just we're FaceTiming each other. He's back in OKC. I'm in New York and he's, you know, we're just kind of like, and when I told him, it was just a complete excitement. There was no, how are you feeling? No. I mean, he was sweet after that, like, you know, don't work out today. Take the time off. Cause I go, go, go. I'm a workaholic. I work out all the time, but no, it was an immediate, oh my God, if she has COVID, then maybe I can be sick too. It was an excitement. it. Yeah, I'm sure. I don't know this, but I'm guessing even though he didn't feel bad, he probably gave himself an at home COVID.

4:46Would you, would you bet against it? Sure. Oh my God. We need to ask him, but a hundred percent, like he loves, he loves medical tests, diagnoses, um, things to discuss with chat GPT. Um, he, he lives for this shit. I mean, he lives, he lives for this shit. It's just, it's crazy. I wonder if, have you heard of any other people that get the rash as their symptom? You are the only person that I've ever heard of getting the rash and you were the first person like during COVID that had the rash. It's always my main symptom. Google did a rash in COVID. I would have never made the connection. I would have thought, oh, I have eczema, I have dry skin.

5:34So I mean, that's good on you. I knew it was something weird the first time because I felt a little off, but it was just like this rash was everywhere. If you think about it, like viruses, typically there's some chicken and pox, measles, MEPS, which by the way, have you seen this whole thing about like the measles? It's unbelievable. It's, it's totally believable. But it's like, here is RFK Jr. who is the biggest of all the nuts on the planet. He stands out as a bigger one, plus his voice. He is an attorney. He is not a doctor. He is now saying, oh, and we don't need the vaccine, blah, blah, blah.

6:15measles cases are up 14 ,000%. That is so unnecessary. So unnecessary. Yeah. You know, I think that the biggest call out that we need to keep calling out is the pro-lifers that are actually pro-death, pro-disease, pro-little kids getting shot up in school. I mean, it's just the biggest parade of hypocrisy on the planet. These pro-life champions, they're so full of shit. And the damage, this anti-scientific damage that the right wing has done, it kills people. A lot of people died of COVID because Fox News and others propagandized that getting the vaccine was like, you know, some horrible thing.

7:06Do you remember that time that Kylie signed you up for that right wing dating site? And like, yes, a lot of the things were like woman I'm looking for. And it was like, not vaxxed. Like that was like their number one thing. Like you couldn't be vaccinated. Yeah. On top of wanting me to cook and clean and raise their kids other than that. Yeah. But the anti-vax stuff, I just simply, I do not understand it at all. all like it seems to all the to be the dumbest to all of the triple trumping doctors that triple trumped that have all of these nut anti-vaxxers in their waiting rooms or people that think they're smarter than the doctor they deserve every long day that they get they deserve every chat gpt conversation that their patient has had and that was cramming up their throat.

7:56If you are a triple trumping doctor and you make money and your livelihood is based on science and then you voted for an anti-science administration because you wanted a little bit of a tax break and you continue to triple down on it, every insufferable MAGA patient that you have, you deserve. And I think you should exclusively only have anti-vax MAGA patients. I think that's what they deserve. It's only the anti-vax MAGA patients. And I think RFK should be their doctor. So if they have any kind of health problem, they go to him and let him fix them. This is an interesting, you brought this up and I've been meaning to mention it to you.

8:41So I was reviewing the Supreme Court's session where the Trump administration wants to be able to fire independent federal agencies. And Justice Ketanje Brown Jackson made an extremely apt remark when she said, if you take away expertise from these fields and put in partisan hacks, people will suffer. Well, because she is female and because she is Black, the MAGAverse went crazy talking about a DEI judge and da da da. And I thought, are these people so stupid? They don't realize Trump is already doing this. Look at the secretary of health and human services, a complete fucking moron that is saying every conspiracy about vaccine is true.

9:30Measles is up. Science research and all that is down. Like that's exactly what he's doing. He does not value expertise and it It is on perfect display in this administration. It's repulsive. It's on purpose because facts have a liberal bias. And also, I think there's that component. So you have all of these like PragerU Heritage Foundation that wants a dumbed down electorate so they can have a decades long majority reign. But at the same time, you also have the right wing MAGA Christians that have colluded with the oligarchs and the oligarchs know that the easiest, most malleable, manipulatable form of the public, same thing Putin knew, were the gun religious nuts.

10:21And so the oligarchs, interestingly, they're anti-expertise because they think they're better experts. At everything. Yeah. And so it's like, you know, like Peter Thiel is also an expert in the antichrist and, you know, that Alex Karp, you know, like, here's another thing about these guys. So you have the administration that has gone like hard in the paint, like we have to prevent autism. They've demonized people with autism by making it seem like it is this curse. If you take Tylenol, your baby's going to have, you know, neurodivergent issues, et cetera. I mean, what they've done, the damage they've done regarding autism and people living with autism and the way they have categorized it on television as this like horrible curse.

11:15And this has all come from MAGA. At the same time, you have these oligarchs that appear high on TV, Elon Musk and Alex Karp, but they roll out when everybody's like, oh my God, these people are coked up. Then they go, oh, he's actually just neurodivergent. And I'm like, y 'all are the people that are acting like autism is this horrible thing and it's a curse. And then when you're too high and too big of a crackhead on national television, global television, then you have your PR team trot out that you're neurodivergent. And so just the hypocrisy and the double speaking and the dehumanization of this combination of cultists, like religious psychosis cultists, with these people, these billionaires that also experienced this type of, we're the experts of everything psychosis.

12:12And these are the people that are in charge. It's just so depressing. Welcome to I've had it. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. We have Kylie here. She's a lesbian producer, cute as a button. she is a lesbian i just think i want to always um uh point it out because there's such an effort for people to diminish lgbtq plus people and i just want everybody to know kylie was hired on merit that's right seth obviously being a white male straight he's our di higher higher okay i've got some reviews to show you guys. So this one is five stars titled Hit It. And little one writes, this podcast is exactly what Democrats need.

12:58Enough with the pick me politicians. And these one star reviews by the sheep are quite hilarious. Do you red hats have any thoughts of your own? Or do you just keep doing and thinking what daddy Fox News and kinks tell you to? It's nice to think that we're what anybody needs, isn't it? Yeah, so I love these when we get good reviews. Are we still getting a bunch of, are we still getting doxxed in the reviews? We are. I've got a one star right here for you. Oh, good. Women like this make us look dot, dot, dot. One star. And they write, both of these women think like children, not like adult women.

13:38Their behavior on the show is ugly and nasty. Imagine two drunk people who aren't entertaining. That is this show.

13:54Okay, that's pretty funny. Not true, obviously. But it's kind of funny. Like that's immediately where they have to go. They've got to be, you know what I mean? It's just the drinking thing is really funny to me because it's both sides. They say it as this compliment as liberal wine moms, and then the right will use it. You know, they're just drunk. They're on drugs. I think that's so interesting. I just think that this is always applied to women. yeah like whether it's the left applying it to women or the right applying it to women you don't see the same uh adjectives applied to men i mean there was that one remember that blogger like scary mommy that would always post about us all the time and it would be like mom podcasters say this or mom podcasters say that and it was just like we we this the entire episode we never spoke about our children not one time yet you're attributing our podcast to us being mothers instead of being individuals and you never here's the thing i i'm not i love being a mother but you don't apply that to when obama was president we don't say dad president when we talk about joe rogan we don't say dad podcaster and the same thing we don't you know talk about uh whether or not men podcasters or people in media are drinking and or not drinking.

15:18It's just a lot of this is inherent sexism on both sides. Now, listen, at the same time, I'm not offended by this. Right. I'm just pointing it out. It's not something where I'm like, oh my God. Funny thing is pumps is sober. You know, she's been sober for two years, doesn't drink or use drugs. And I haven't drank in, I don't know, 12, 13 years. And so it's funny, but I mean, I can see that sometimes we might seem like we're punch drunk because we get to giggling so much, but I just do think there's just a lot of inherent sexism in the descriptions, but at the same time, I'm not offended by it.

15:54Nobody needs to go back and correct it. I do think for the scary mommy blogger people, I do think that they kept like targeting that. And I didn't, I couldn't understand like, why do they keep calling us mom podcasters when our show is not about motherhood? Right. I mean, sometimes we would talk about performative motherhood and us having it with performative motherhood, but I thought that was really weird. So much sexism. I just don't even recognize the sexism. It's so indoctrinated in, you know, it's so dyed in the wool. So I, it's a great point. Okay, I've got one last one. This one is five stars titled Pursuing Legal Action.

16:33And Jenny writes, Listened to an episode last week that made me laugh so hard I nearly fell off of the treadmill. Super embarrassing. Everyone watched me stumble, grab the rails, and eventually find my footing while cry laughing. Last month, while on the hill, I nearly said Moses Mike instead of Speaker Mike Johnson. I'm a lobbyist, and this would have been very bad. So since this is Trump's America, and we no longer have to be responsible for our own actions. It's all your fault and I'm watering up. It has nothing to do with my own clumsiness or borderline obsession with both podcasts. Just kidding.

17:10I love you three. Yes, I'm including Kylie. Thank you for providing the vocabulary we all need to fight another day. Oh my gosh. I've been that person that's fallen on a treadmill and like been catching myself. So I get that. Wouldn't that be so great if somebody called him Moses Mike to his face? Oh my God. Yeah, I do. I think it'd be an act of patriotism. Yeah, he's so dumb. He'd probably be like, I am Moses. He'd probably taken this compliment. Yeah, he totally would. You can call me Moses. Yeah, he totally would. A Christmas miracle has taken place. So we decided to go do a live show in Atlanta on January 31st.

17:52And we were for sure like the ticket sales are going to be lackluster. Nobody's going to become, I'll be damned if it didn't sell out in like a couple of days. So the organizer was like, you should do another day. And I'm like, that's a pretty big, pretty big ask, pretty big ask for two old broads like us. Right. So we added an additional day ticket sales. We're getting about close to halfway February 1st center stage in Atlanta. And it is also a matinee because we are going to normalize matinees. We are going to normalize a reasonable start time. We're not going to start a show at 8 or 9 p.m.

18:29No. It's past bedtime. Wake up the next day feeling hung over, strung out. Why did I hang out with all of these radical leftists, anti-fascists? We're not going to do that because we're pro-matinee, we're pro-democracy, we're anti-MAGA, and we're anti-fascists. Come see us. It's going to be so fun. I love getting together at a live show with all of the people. It's such a community. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, listener, a new year, and you always hear the new you. Why do you have to be a new you? You could actually be a less burdened you, and therapy can help you with that.

19:06That's why I absolutely, twice a month, meet with my therapist online from BetterHelp. They have a therapist match commitment. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you? So you can focus on your therapy goals. They typically get it right the first time. However, if you're not happy with your match, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. With over 30 ,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms, having served over 5 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of five for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews.

19:47Listener, BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash had it. That's betterhelp.com slash had it. What's next, Kylie? I've got a couple of news stories for you. Okay. So this one says an American mother claims her baby is dark skinned because of her ancestors. And if you're listening, it's a photo of a what appears to me to be a very white couple. And they just had a baby who is black. And the caption says, an American couple went viral after the newborn appeared significantly darker skinned than both parents. The mother publicly claimed the baby's skin tone was the result of distant ancestry, saying dormant genetic traits can reappear generations later.

20:43While genetics can produce unexpected physical traits, experts note that extreme difference in skin tone are statistically rare and usually involve more genetic factors. Okay, here's the deal. I've seen this and here's what happened. She did a little chocolate slap and tickle. That's just all there is to it. And she has a black baby. She's white, the alleged baby daddy in that photo is white. And now she's trying to go back and unfuck black guy who was the dad of this baby and pitched to us some sort of genetic lineage that we all know is BS. And I don't like these shows like Mari or, you know, but in this instance, she needs to be on one of those shows.

21:36We need to do a cheek swab, end it. But instead to spend that amount of time trying to unscrew somebody is just wild to me. Well, what's so funny is when you said she wants to unfuck and i'm like girl i've been there there's a lot of people on the list that i want to unfuck unfortunately there's evidence for her and i think she's trying to prove it to her husband i would suspect he's not buying it well i mean five years from now we'll probably all know but yeah i'm not a maury fan but this if we're gonna have to listen to this we need a dna test yeah i i agree i want to do i want to do it ourselves and i mean just for fun i'm so tired of covering all the Trump stuff, I'd love to have them on and like do the test.

22:22And then we can announce, Mr. White, dude, you are not the father. Yeah. We can have our dogs, you know, involved in it. You know, just, just kind of have a crazy show. Like why does everybody else get to have all this crazy shit? I want to do, you know, like I want to just listen to opera blaring it loud. And, you know, like Trump does. I mean, it's just all, everybody's just so unhinged all the time. I bet a lot of listeners will be like, y 'all are unhinged. You're leading the charge, girls. Okay, we've got another one. This one, the headline is calling someone bald is now considered sexual harassment, according to judges.

23:07And it goes on to say, a recent ruling determined that calling someone bald can legally qualify as sexual harassment in certain workplace context. Judges argue that the term is often used to target men in a derogatory manner tied to gender. The decision expands how harassment protections can be interpreted under employment laws. I'm kind of conflicted about this one because I do think we have to protect harassment in the workplace. Do I think this is ridiculous and stupid? Yes. Do I think that it's demeaning to call someone bald if that's just a fact like i'm a blonde you're a blonde you know what i mean so i'm torn i'm torn i mean i just i i just i i don't i don't really i mean i just think that if somebody's bald they're bald i don't really see it as derogatory yeah i don't either some people look really fabulous bald some people really like work it and you're like okay And then a lot of people go to great lengths like the president to cover up his bald head.

24:14And so, I mean, I don't know. I just, I mean, just some people are bald. That's just all there is to it. And that's just it. What are we supposed to call them? Hairless? And then - I'd rather be bald than hairless. That's what I think. Hairless man. Yeah. You know, like I, I just, it's like, if you're describing somebody like, oh, um, will you go grab that lady over there the one standing next to the bald man right or we go describe yeah yeah i don't know kylie what do you think i think it's stupid to be honest i don't know what else you're supposed to do it's not offensive unless they have a chip on their shoulder it's not a slur you are bald right i mean i guess in the workplace if you're like hey you ugly ass bald headed motherfucker, that's harassment.

25:06But I don't know that that really falls on bald. Yeah. Yeah, I would agree. Okay. Last news story says 65 % of dating app users are married or in a relationship, according to a recent report. Researchers say the rise of partnered individuals on dating apps is driven by curiosity, validation seeking, and in some cases, secretive behavior within relationships. Many users admitted to using the apps to gauge attractiveness, boost self-esteem, or explore options without necessarily planning to meet anyone in person. This trend raises concerns about transparency and trust in modern dating culture. That's people sack.

25:52People just fucking sack. If you're married, you shouldn't be on a dating app. It's just that simple. I mean, I just think there's so many people that want their cake and want to eat it too. It's just like, I was shocked when I became an adult at the amount of fuckery that goes on with adults and married adults in particular, because you have this idea when you're younger, when I'm big, I'll get to do this. And when I'm big, it'll solve my problems. And then you have this illusion that older people means less problems when actually it's to the contrary. And then you find out like, you know, I was so surprised that like all these women, you know, they're popping Zannies.

26:41And I was surprised too, not only at the men that screwed around on their wives, because you expect that a little bit more on a man. And I don't mean to be sexist. I just, I kind of do, but it's the women. I mean, like perhaps that I know these women that like, remember that girl that was telling us about all those housewives that were going to get happy ending massages, the female version. Yes. That was told to me by one of the people that did it. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, they're going to get a massage ending with a finger bang. You know, I mean, like, these are like, church goer good do you know, I'm going to yoga and I'm happily married, like you have an outset, you may happily married after carpool.

27:25It's a massage finger bang. It's just like what I mean, and here's the thing, like, I'm not I mean, whatever the ones that drive me the craziest about all of this are the ones that I know who are like with the cross and then you find, and they're always the most screwed up ones. The worst offenders always tend to be the ones standing on the street saying, oh my gosh, we're such good Christians. We have a godly family, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, I can't even imagine the sick and twisted shit that's going on. If you're having to tell us how great it is, you know what I mean? It's just always that person.

28:03Yeah, I totally agree. okay I've got listener voice memos today yay great we're gonna kick it off with Ian hey ladies I love your podcast I adore you all and I just your podcast brings such levity to this crazy world we live and it's truly like therapy for me I can laugh and cry at the same time like I can cry about all the things that are scary and then I can sit there and just laugh at things like taco tits kinks little smoky moses mike grinder johnson kitten heels and just laugh at these petty jabs at these stupid motherfuckers anyway i have had it with the narrative that somehow left-wing progressive liberal men are weak and that the right-wing men are the strong ones all right let's just take a step back for a minute and just physically look at the look at these people on the right who do you have like nick fuentes who is a proud nazi virgin who's like five two ben shapiro uh and then what kitten heels ron de santis like these are the strong men that you're talking about look at their fucking leader he's like 300 pounds of mush and he's demented and old like stop no progressive men are the strong and hot ones like look at hassan piker Like, enough said.

29:20Go into any gay bar, you're going to see a bunch of hot, strong, buff men who will kick your ass if you fuck with them. And they are emotionally intelligent, they're smart, and they're physically strong. So, no, it's left-wing men who are the strong, manly men, I guess. And so we need to push that narrative. Right-wing men are little bitches and they're weak. Left-wing men are big, strong motherfuckers. Anyway, happy holidays and... I mean, no, no, it's that's such a, that's so well said. And I think about this all the time. I think about these little twerps, like Stephen Miller's like four foot 10 Moses and Mike grinder Johnson.

29:58I mean, four 11 tops and not, and no disrespect to any of these short men, because I know a lot of short men that are not, don't have Napoleon complex that are, you know, a hundred percent support feminism and support LGBTQ plus rights. But I just think when you have a man in his entire ethos is to affirm his masculinity, it requires him to beat down other people, then you know you're dealing with varying degrees of issues pertaining to compensation. I completely agree. I'm with you. If you show me a man that is disrespectful or demeans other people, I immediately know it's low T, you know, little dick energy, because for me, the most masculine someone can be is to lift other people up and stand for other people.