The Pettysburg Address

0:02so are we supposed to start the podcast all right patriots gay triots they treats black triots and brown triots pumps is on vacation but josh welch is subbing hello hello can you tell the triple trumpers what they have to do

0:21i caught it i think that was good and i like that you did the little like bird call yeah yeah it reminds me of that movie uh with uh owen wilson bottle rocket bottle rocket it. Yeah. All right, Josh Welch, what have you had it with? Well, like most things, mine is somewhat complicated and confusing. So bear with me for a few minutes that the story of my life, complicated and confusing. So I've had it with clothing stores in which you're a paying customer, not allowing you to use their bathroom, their restroom. And let me elaborate a bit, if you don't mind. So when we were on vacation in London, I took a cab to the frame store to buy some jeans, to buy some black denim jeans, because I like to wear all black.

1:11If the listener hasn't noticed, I'm a Johnny Cash type guy, all black. So I'm in there. I pick three pair of jeans out. I'm going to pay for them. And when I'm there, I'm wearing my, I just worked out. So I've got my compression socks up to the knees. I've got my workout shorts on, my shirt, looking pretty buff, whipping through London. And I tell the guy, his name is Will. I say, Will, can I use the restroom? And deep down, I'm thinking, you know, I'm 57. I have to pee a lot. I'm sorry, but can I use the restroom? And Will says, I'm sorry, but we don't allow, we don't have a public bathroom. And I said, well, I'm buying three pair of jeans.

1:53I go, is there an exception here? Can I use your restroom? And Will says, no, we're not going to allow you to use the restroom. I'm sorry. I can't make an exception for that. He said, however, there's a pub across the street and they'll let you use their restroom. And I said, but Will, I'm not a patron of that club. I would just be walking in the club to use the restroom. And he said, that's right. And so I had more questions about that. but I decided to let those go. And I went across the street to the pub and it was about 1145 on a Sunday morning and the pub was closed. It doesn't open until noon.

2:28So then I walked back over to the frame store and I said, well, the pub across the street is closed. I can't use the restroom. Can I use your restroom? He said, I'm sorry, but we just can't let you use the restroom. It's not a public restroom. And I said, well, listen, I have a business. I have a place of business and I understand you don't want just people walking in off the street, using your bathroom, messing things up. I get that. But I'm buying three pair of jeans here and the pub across the street doesn't have a restroom. They're not open. I can't use it. And he's still steadfast and says, I'm sorry, you just can't.

3:10It's not my decision. There are others that make these decisions. And I said, well, does the fact that I'm buying something and the pub is closed, does that make it a closer call for you? Or is it still just a hard no? And he said, no, it's definitely a closer call in my eyes, but I just can't overstep the will of his boss, the employer. And so I had to process that for a little bit. I hopped in a cab and rushed to the hotel room and peed for about 12 minutes. And then I thought about this. I thought about this. If I'd been standing in frame and looked at Will and I would have said, Will, I'm about to shit my pants.

3:58I go, this is going to happen in the next 30 seconds if I can't use your bathroom. And you've got other people in here. And I'm wearing shorts, like short shorts with compression socks. This is not going to be pretty. Now, what are you going to do, Will? And then I think, and then I would have been curious to see what Will would have said under those circumstances. But anyway, my grievance, I'm sorry to take up this much time. My grievance is if you're a paying customer, you're spending money in their store, let them use the goddamn bathroom. Seriously. I just have one addition to this story. So when he said he raced back to the hotel, he raced back and I was at the hotel in the room.

4:37And he just told me the entire story that he told all of you. And after he finished, I think the story takes four minutes to tell. I said, so did you finally pee? He goes, no, I still got to go. And so I've had it with Josh's faux P emergencies. And we know their foe because he had the ability in London from the neighborhood of Marleybone back to the neighborhood of Belgravia, where we were staying, to hold it and to tell the story about the injustices that were hurled at him by Will and Frame Denim. that he could delay the pissing. So in fact, it wasn't an emergency because when I have to go, like I got to pee first and I can tell you, but he had the ability to hold it in and tell the story.

5:35There's no question that there's some sort of mental, I have some sort of mental block or mental issue with this, but I'm also a very aggressive, proactive, bathroom user. Like I like to get out in front of it. I try, try to be proactive in these circumstances. And so I did have a little wiggle room, but by the time I got back to the pub and to Will and had to hail a cab, I mean, it was getting ready to be a really close call. And you've seen, you've seen other circumstances with me and where this using the restroom has been an issue. I'm sure I'm not the only man that this comes up with, but it's a problem.

6:18I'll just share with the listener one of the greatest tips. And so I will cede my grievance to share a story with you all. So Josh and I lived in this house for a long time at the early days of our marriage. And about 30 seconds away from this house, 40 seconds tops, there is a 7-Eleven. So I mean less than a minute drive from a 7-eleven to our front door And so we're at some friends houses at a party and then we're driving home from this and it's probably like 10 30 at night We're getting home to relieve the babysitter And we're probably about 30 seconds away from the 7-eleven and josh says I'm gonna have to pull over at that 7-eleven to take a shit And I am just Gobsmacked because I couldn't I couldn't process the fact that our house was only 30 seconds from the 7-Eleven.

7:14And a shitting in public is a rather intimate thing. And if you could forego a 7-Eleven toilet and wait 30 seconds for your own residential toilet, that that would be preferable. Or as the kids say online, greater than, right? So I'm like, but Josh, our house is like 30 seconds from here. And he goes, okay fine fine like i'm the asshole in this situation and then right as the car passes 7-eleven he turns over to me so i'm going to turn my head so y 'all can see what i saw and he goes i'm shitting i'm shitting my pants right now and i'm like what yeah yeah the actual fuck it was like you're shitting your pants around i guess yeah Yeah, I'm shitting.

8:01And we're about two blocks. He did it to spite me is how I felt. No, I didn't. And I do want to tell the listener or viewer that this was like 20 plus years ago. It was. It was 20 years ago. He's come a long way. I think it was in the early days of attempted sobriety too. I would say that's probably fair. And so the stomach was a little bit of a wreck up and down with all the ebbs and flows of addiction. and the night of the super moon in mexico when you shit the bed at our hotel i'm blamed on roman he was five years old that's super the hashtag supermoon incident that's true you did wake me up in the middle of the night and said jennifer there's been an explosion and i'm like how pumps has the same issues and i i find myself like how how have i attracted bulimic diarrhea people how I attracted people that I guess I guess it's just IBS.

8:58Well, see, I think that this helps explain why in my mind, I'm so proactive about trying to get out in front of these issues. That's a good point. That's why because I've been in in these situations with you where, you know, I'm driving down Western, and I'm exploding in my pants in the car and looking at you and saying, Hey, this is happening. And I don't want us to have to revisit those types of memories. No, I think it's much better to talk about it on the podcast. It's a 20-year-old thing. Exactly. And I do want to say this. Will at Frame was very polite. He was not rude about his decision.

9:33He was simply following orders. I did tell Will that he should revisit some of these policies. I think you said you wanted him to run it up the flagpole. Run it up the flagpole. You try not to get too mad at the person who's just simply implementing the orders, like they don't make those decisions. Will said he would do that. We'll check in next time we're there and just see. We'll have another - Shout out to Frame Denim in Marleybone, London. I know that America is not doing well on the global stage right now. So I hope that you understand that my husband is number one anti-Maga, number two a chronic pisser.

10:13Yeah, that's a good point though. They could have said, look, we're not going to let this American asshole use our bathroom, this guy. Fuck him, his entitlement. these americans think they're entitled to use our bathroom all right welcome to i've had it i am jennifer and i'm josh and kylie is joining us now kylie hi hello kylie hi josh um i've got a review for you guys it's kind of an emotional review wow it says father from the daughter of an addict it's five stars and grateful grace says hi ladies i've loved listening to you for a while mostly for your no BS takes on all things politics. While I've always appreciated Jennifer's candor surrounding Josh's addiction, I was brought to tears during the recent episode with Hunter Biden.

10:56I had a loving present dad for most of my life and he died due to alcoholism two years ago when I was 25. Listening to you and Hunter talk about not only the realities of the disease, but the pain it is to love an addict was cathartic. My family has been very open about how my dad died. He was a wonderful man who became something else when he was deep in his addiction. Thank you for being part of this needed change and helping bring empathy and normalization to this conversation. I'll be a forever listener because of this. Graceful grace. That is so sweet. And I'm so sorry for your loss of your father.

11:35And Josh and I have always felt like we have to be as open as possible about how addiction has affected our family. And it's affected not only Josh, but me and our children and other people. And it's we're lucky that Josh is sober. Hunter's lucky that he was able to find sobriety because so many people go the way your father did. And it's just a disease that needs to be de-stigmatized so that people feel more comfortable getting help no matter what avenue you're in with it. Yeah. And I would echo that and say thank you for for those kind words. and know that you're not alone. The loss that you've suffered, you're not alone.

12:19And it's just, it's but for the grace of God. That's the expression. But many of us have been down that path and we've brushed up against that. And there's no rhyme or reason why some of us were able to come back and some weren't. So don't hold that against your father. It's just addiction is hard. It's tough. and I'm, we're sorry, sorry for your loss. And, and, um, it, it helps remind us of what it takes from, from families and from people because you're left at age 25 to, uh, to pick up the pieces from that and make sense of it. And sometimes you just can't make sense of it. Sometimes it doesn't make sense and that's okay, but just know that you're not alone.

13:03There's a lot of other people that struggle with that and your dad, it's not a reflection of his character. And I know you know that, but I offer that comfort. Yeah, and I just want to say grace, I know how painful it is. And this is I talked to Hunter about this, but the real mind fuck with addiction is when you love somebody supposed to feel good. You know, love is we associate with good feelings. And when you love an addict, it's really, really, really painful. and I hope for you in your grief that you're going through right now, Grace, I hope that you're able to turn the pain that you feel not only from his addiction and your love for him and his death, but I hope you're able to turn it into something really grounding for you.

13:52This episode is brought to you by the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Okay, I've had it with people acting like religious freedom means everybody has to live under their religion. That's not freedom. That is control with a choir behind it. America just spent the summer celebrating 250 years since rejecting kings and divine rule. The whole idea was that power comes from the people, not from religion, not from politicians claiming God is on their side, and definitely not from government deciding whose beliefs count. And yet here we are watching people try to drag religion into schools, laws, and public life like that's what the Constitution says.

14:38And it absolutely does not. The Freedom From Religion Foundation works to keep state and church separate and stands up for free thinkers, atheists, agnostics, and every American who wants government to stay out of their conscience. Visit ffrf.us slash fight or text the word fight to 511 511. That's ffrf.us slash fight or text the word fight to 511 511 to learn more and join. Again, text fight to 511 511 today. Message and data rates may apply. All right, listener, I don't know about you, but I totally feel like August is the Sunday of summer. It's the perfect time to hit reset before the autumn rush.

15:26And for me, that always starts with my wardrobe. And you know, I always turn to Quince because Quince proves you don't need a crowded closet to look incredible. You actually just need the right pieces. Quince specializes in effortless, high quality essentials like ultra soft organic cotton and premium Mongolian cashmere sweaters. I have several of these and several different colors and I absolutely love them. They're beautifully tailored, built to last, and transition seamlessly from morning meetings to dinner. And it's not just apparel. Quince also brings the same everyday elevation to everything they offer from hotel quality bedding and bath to kitchen staples, essentials, and thoughtfully designed furniture.

16:14Listener, upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash hadit. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns now available in Canada and the UK2. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash had it. Okay, Kylie, who's next? Okay, last one is five stars. MAGA must listen. And they write, if you're looking for a diverse and inclusive podcast, look no further. How many out and proud middle-aged throuples from the South do you know? The greatest legal mind pumps, Jessica and their husband, Josh, have been together for over 20 years with five kids. They cover important issues from camel toes to basic human rights and some sport Jessica mentioned once.

17:02XO, the neighborhood gold star lesbian. I love that. Now, a gold star lesbian is a real virgin. You've never had sex with a man. Okay, yeah, gold star. Did you know that, Charles? Like a gold star gay is a gay guy that has never had sex with a woman, and a gold star lesbian is a woman that has never had sex with a man. That's awesome. Um, she left out, uh, one of the important topics of, wasn't it pumps that stuck a spoon up her ass or something? Yes. Um, yeah, she did. That was one of the more important, I think, uh, a pivotal moment in the podcast. Exactly. Exactly. Without that piece of information, I don't think we'd be here today.

17:42No, it wouldn't have advanced forward at all. The bravery of her taking that spoon right up her constipated ass. It really was. Okay. Next, Josh, I don't know if you've seen this, but the internet cannot stop laughing about this video. And this is a QVC show. You know, QVC, it just goes all the time. And these women are like, you know, promoting all this shit, like buy this nail polish, buy this, buy that. So this lady is promoting wigs. And she was running a little segment on salon wigs when the host has a little slip of tongue. Let's play the clip. To show the texture and this wave pattern. Again, it looks like you went and got a blow job at your blowout at your salon.

18:36And it looks beautiful. All right. So here's what's happening today. We're having a huge beauty sale. Everything ships to you for free, but that goes away at the end of the day. I will remind you that this is a one-time-only price where the price goes up at the end of the show. So good. I love it. But this isn't the first time QVC has been rated R on air. Let's play this clip. I wanted to tell you that I got that peasant blouse with the tassels. Yes. Yes. And I used to wear the tussles on my pasties. Do you know what pasties are? Okay. Do you know what pasties are? Yes. Okay, well I had tussles on my pasties.

19:26Mary Ann, I just want to say this. You are my emotional support diva. Okay, you have just made my whole entire day. I think we need more of this. I think this would do a lot of great good for the image and reputation of white women. I think that's a cult in and of itself. Isn't this QVC group of people? Very cultish. I mean, it has to be, right? I think it is. I'm going to go with cult. I mean, why not? Yeah. And fair to say it's probably a cult I don't really want to be a part of. Um, but I like it. I like it for them. Yeah. I think that this, uh, it's just like constant nonstop. It's kind of predatorial in my opinion.

20:16You know, you've got these people that are probably not very social or unable to move around and they've got some, a little bit of disposable income and they sit and watch it and then they just start ordering shit nonstop. And the last thing they probably need to be doing is buying that shit. Exactly. Um, but they're doing it. It's on TV. Yeah. It's on TV. I think it's kind of got a little subculture in and of itself, QVC. I think it does. Like if you ever walk in someplace and they're playing QVC, won't you kind of do a double take and be like, where the fuck am I? If that's playing. So let's elaborate.

20:54You think it's like a little cult. Kind of weirdish. QVC cult. Yeah, like the type of people that would watch it and have it on. Yeah. In the background. Yeah. Like if you saw it on and you entered a place and it was on, you would need to think to yourself, where did I just come to? Yeah. What type of place is this? It's the type of place that buys blowjob wigs. That's right. And I love that woman for that. I mean, you can clearly see where her mind was. In the gutter. right i don't know if you noticed this but as the as the scene sort of unfolded she sort of drifted down as it appeared on her knees kind of went down and and that which led the mind yeah which led the mind to further sort of expand upon her gaff all right let's move on to some BuzzFeed articles.

21:52We have hilariously unhinged or just plain dumb reviews people have written online. All right, let's look at the first one. Lily gives a one-star review and she writes, I have been a professional medium for 15 and a half years and am very sensitive to all of the energy forces that surround us. The instructors are great. And the facility is clean. But when I walked into the studio, I was assaulted by the dark energy radiating from Monica at the front desk.

22:33I already like Monica far more than I like Lily. Just by hearing that. Don't you immediately I'm team Monica Immediately. Immediately to Monica. Yeah. I mean, Lily can put a sock in it for all we care. All right. The next one. One star review. Somebody writes, went with my daughter. The waiter was a very cute boy around her age and was nice enough at first. I asked him if he would like to go on a blind date with my daughter. He said no. needless to say i did not leave him a tip and also reported him to his manager my daughter's face was all red for the rest of the meal how dare he embarrass my daughter hopefully justice will be served what do you even say to that you're this poor guy like you're ripping his ass because you put him on the spot about a date with your daughter i mean it's inappropriate to ask your waiter that number one, but then you rip him as if he's tormented her.

23:38I mean, some major gaslighting going on in that review. Major. And some like tomahawk chopper helicopter parent, like let your daughter ask her boy out on her own date. On her own. Yeah. What do you, I mean, would you be happy if he grabbed her and took her to the back and, you know, made his way with her? I mean, what are you doing here?

24:01Not good. It's not good. It's not good. All right, next one. Comax BioKip sandwich containers, set of three. This is what the ad is for. And somebody writes on the review, did not come with sandwiches like photos showed. Otherwise, good product. So for those of you listening, they are like Tupperware sandwich boxes. And in the ad, there is a picture of the boxes, the Tupperware boxes with a sandwich in it. But this dipshit has to go on there and write that. I want to I want to say this. If you ever catch me writing reviews on Tupperware for sandwiches, I want you to immediately, immediately take a baseball bat upside my head immediately.

24:56and I will accept any damages that result from that. I think in general, review writers, that's a whole nother cult. I think you have the QVC cult, but I'm pretty simple about this kind of stuff. If I go to a restaurant and I don't like it, I don't go back. If I am watching television and I don't like it, I change the channel. If I'm listening to a podcast and I don't like it, I cease listening to it. If I'm following somebody on Instagram and I don't like them, I unfollow them. People like right now, instead of realizing they have autonomy, they want to stay in the problem. Like they just want to stay in the problem.

25:42I see it all the time in my comment section. I'm like, like people that like follow me, hate every post that I post, hate every podcast that we put out. It's just such a devotion to hating me. It's somewhat admirable because when I don't like something, I don't have any devotion towards it. I agree completely. I think where I was caught off guard a little bit was that it was for Tupperware for sandwiches. And this guy's writing about that. Now, I agree. You know, the restaurant you go to, I see maybe writing a review. And I agree, all these nuts, they need to just, you know, zip it. And if you don't like something, move on.

26:18I'm down with that. But when you come across Tupperware and somehow you're pissed off about that, that to me is a whole new level of just crazy, of just like wanting to stop and voice your concern about Tupperware. But I agree with you. All right, Kylie, the next. One star.

26:44Not a place for straight people. They wave about a rainbow flag. The flag of this country is the American flag. Feel uncomfortable here. The owner's response is pathetic. They are getting political here. Politics does not belong in a place of business. I am taking my wallet elsewhere. The food reaches the heights of mediocrity. The prices were excessive so they could support their liberal socialist agenda. Where is this place? Sign me up. but how can how can we get there um seriously why why say that like if you don't like it just move on you know like well it's the gay thing that yeah i know so many people are so triggered by a rainbow flag and and it's just the the conservative movement when you start making the list of all the things that triggers them we could do a a 400 part podcast series on it one could be rainbow flags.

27:47The next episode could be books. The next episode could be women, then drag queens, and then trans people, and then furries, cat ears. I mean, just go on and on and on. Black people, black athletes, you know, they just are, these people live in a constant state of fear. These are the most cowardice people on the planet. They're just scared shitless at all times. That's right. And anything that's different than their norm, their norm, they oppose. And a lot of that's based in fear, how they were raised, what they've been exposed to. They don't understand certain things. It's sad and it's angering.

28:33It's frustrating to see something like that. and you can't just sort of shake some sense into the person and say, listen, these people aren't doing anything to you. Let them be themselves. You be yourself. It's pretty simple. But we don't live in a time like that. It's like they want you to not be different and be just like they are. And I'm just the opposite. I want everybody to be themselves. And I really don't care what you are. As long as you're not trying to make me be something. You bring up a really good point that conservatives want everybody to be the same and like the same stuff and how boring and how painfully unoriginal it is.

29:11They want everyone to have the same political opinions. They want everyone to have the same sexuality. They want everyone to have kids at this, you know, at a certain time. There's a certain life trajectory that you can do. Like the Truman Show, like we would all live in the neighborhood, like the Truman Show. We'd all be white. We would all, you know, be straight. We would all work a job, a normal job and live this very, and that's just, that's not America. They want it to be America, you know, but it's not America. And I tell people all the time, I don't want to be around a bunch of people that are like me.