572 - Planning Stevie's DREAM Birthday!

32:48So he's got a stick and he's like... I think he might have cost a bit of the money. Yeah, I'm not begrudging the money. I'm just saying most people, if you're paying this money and there's like 20 of you, you're paying like eight quid each or whatever it was. Are you chatting to him, the boy? No, he doesn't speak Spanish. Does he speak English? He wouldn't ask him questions anyway. I'd have a little... I'd just point something and go, like that. Mr. Bean! Yeah, I'm excited. More from Smart. But we don't... Like I've said a few things early on. and it's obvious that we don't speak the same language but I'll look up the occasional thing and go good I can't remember what the word is, wino how do you know where to take you?

33:26well because I told the person the person at the desk that you book the boat for says I'll tell you this is where I want to go and I got a Google Translate and I'd say I want to go make sure I'm going to this place to get it right but because I was on this boat I looked like I was going to say Puff Daddy but that's a bad example these days maybe all everywhere i look like who else is someone who is someone who i looked extravagant essentially and other people were like mexicans are i'd chat they'd say something to me like and i'd say oh you know i blew a spaniel and they'd all start pissing themselves i think because they thought i was a legend and not because i was like some weird foreign bloke who spent loads of money on a boat on his own um but eventually why'd you look extravagant because he's paid for a boat because these these have all got like 20 people on so they know how much the boat costs yeah a lot of money yeah right but i've just paid for i look like i've got no mates and i'm just sitting there in silence while some mexican boy pushes me around canals it's bleak but also quite weirdly cool yeah i don't know it didn't feel cool but this is the thing someone said to me after was your trip fun and i was like i don't know the answer to that it was interesting i wouldn't say i had fun much of it but i went there to make videos it was work but was the island good at least yeah but so eventually i went through all these these canals it took about two hours to get to this island i think because there's no there's no motor vehicles this guy's just pushing a pole it must be knackery in the middle of the sun in mexico pushing me around on a canal it's not great it could be worse you could be pushing 20 mexicans around yeah true fair um yeah so so at least you get some chat there so eventually he pushed we We stopped off a few things.

35:12Saw an axolotl. Oh, nice. It's one of the only, the canals there are one of the only places in the world where axolotl live. What does that look like? Little blobfish thing? Yeah, little blobby. It's the thing that it can lose like limbs or organs and just regrow them and stuff. It's mad. How big was it? Not very big, the sort of size. Oh, I thought they were like... Like new. About this size. Yeah, yeah. What did their face look like? Did they look happy? Well, I don't know. Everybody smiled. I don't know. They always look happy on Google. It was like a sort of, the guy took me in a way. He took me off, said, yeah, come in here.

35:44Took me in. And they said, and they just took me off to this other little island. And I went in there and a woman said, you want to see our aquarium? I was like, obviously, yeah. I was behind the curtain. I was like, obviously, I'm going to have to. Because there's like a picture of axolotls around like that. I want to see an axolotl. Also, the fact that you won't let me see what your aquarium looks like before you do it does make me a little bit suspicious, but it's not very expensive. So you can have my 30 paces. So it's like just over a quid. so i gave gave her the money and she opened up the curtain and it was it was like if you give me an hour to put together an aquarium it was like it was like just like a it was like a paddling pool with a hose and some axolotl in it did you film this yeah a little bit i was like i'm not sure this is i'm not sure this is great yeah like it was i don't know my wife works for animal charity i'm not sure she'd be all over that yeah i'm not sure about the axolotl aquarium but i had I don't look around the Axolotl Aquarium.

36:41So bleak. It was bleak, yeah. What were the dolls like? Well, yeah, eventually I got to the island. It's fucking creepy. Is it? Yeah, because these dolls are like, some of them are just 75 years old. They're just decaying. Some people put other dolls up, but some of them have got their eyes scratched out, beheaded. Some of them are just heads of dolls. And there must be over 1 ,000. They are, and it's not a massive island. it is how long would it take to walk around the island so I can get some idea of scale a minute if you did it quickly like it's tiny it's probably one side to the other is at most 50 metres maybe but it's thin as well sort of thing so it's tiny how many people were on there when you were on there me me and the woman who worked on the island I got off my boat what does she do as work what the woman on the island yeah she charges you to go and look at the doors so I paid her I got off the boat and then I pay this woman.

37:38So I pay... But no one else is doing it. Pay for an axolotl aquarium. Pay for this. Well, I'm sure other people come at other points, but it's the middle of the... It was a Monday, and I'm on my... How long were you on the island? I was there for about half an hour or so. Did you feel like you'd seen it within like a minute and then just had to long it out? Not really, because you could... There are so many doors. I mean, it's just doors of the island. I was there to film, so I was obviously filming a lot of stuff going on there, but you could there are so many different weird creepy dolls some of that but there's you can buy like a lot of the way as well when you went around the guy was dropped me off at other islands to have a look at but a lot of them were just like islands that had bars and that it'd be a great thing to do if you had mates yeah right like for me yeah shit if loads of people went it'll be good because you can just float around this and there are guys that float by with food like cooking food other boats you can go oh I want that and you can pull alongside this boat and he'll like give you some tacos or they'll serve you tequila or beers and stuff like that.

38:39Wow. So you can just go around the canals getting shit-faced while some Mexican boy pushes you around. I'd like that. And then occasionally, drunkenly, go and see an axolotl in a paddling pool. So it would be great, but you can understand it wasn't great for me. Yeah. What was the highlight then? Of the trip? When I go to Mexico, what comes in your mind? Honestly, that bleak that I've just described just then. Floating around the canal, it is stunningly beautiful. The boats look amazing. I'll put a photo up if you want but they are like these brightly coloured do you know the artist Frida Kahlo?

39:12Yeah It looks a little bit like that sort of colour scheme something like that all these amazingly beautiful boats and you are just in like a sort of mega Norfolk broads Right It was like that just floating around and it would have been a lovely thing to do it was still nice but it would have been a lovely thing to do with at least one other person If I plan an Urban Legends episode soon he can't moan because he's bang into him now he's gone out of his way to get on a boat two hours to go and see one. So you sound like a massive Urban Legends fan now. Well, that one was good. It does sound like an island with dolls on it.

39:42If you got one from other countries and we didn't have to keep banging on the same fucking American show. I'll do other countries. All right. Okay, I think that's we're all Mexico'd up, I think. We're all Mexico'd up. Baby, you're Mexico'd up. Nice. I did a little bit of a twang in there. Very good. Borderline. Very, very Mexican. Thank you, mate. Very Mexican. Thank you. Do you mind if we start making this episode more about me? yes because it's my birthday tomorrow tomorrow it's your birthday don't say tomorrow tomorrow it's your busy day just say tomorrow's my birthday i can't i have to add a bit of flair go on something different yeah i just like having a little bit of flair in my vocab in my vocab cabbie right it's good for it sick vocab dude now right stevie um robbie cast your minds back a few a few months ago um do you remember when you and althi planned um the dream date for me on valentine i do remember yeah who won that actually i won it yeah i knew you'd remember that yeah um so today i thought we'll we'll use that format yeah robbie and i have been uh individually planning your dream birthday sorry is this competitive does that mean yeah i probably would have tried harder if i knew okay what what if we do it rather than like the date central r.i.p send one up yeah and i can get from the dead yeah and i can pick and choose which parts i like of it yeah you can take the all right so it's not too competitive we're just built we're we're two colossals are joining here to build your okay ideal day i'm excited because you two are always so kind we're famously colossals yeah and this is going to go so well for me and everyone's going to go this is such a great day for stevie yeah you're 30 you're going to be 32 I'm so proud of you.

41:26Thank you. Right, okay. Now, first of all, I think it's a birthday. Yes, it is. So what do we have on birthdays? A little bit of a birthday song. Sing song. Okay. What, the first thing on a birthday is a birthday sing song? Yeah, yeah. Basically, I thought it'd be good if we both wrote you a birthday song. I don't know if I told you about that, did I? You said sing a birthday song. I presume you meant a happy birthday, the only birthday song. Robbie, you've famously written one of the best songs ever about me. Yeah. that wasn't a birthday wishes i don't know if you got that from the song ah um no i was just i just thought we were supposed to be singing happy birthday to that one so that's the one have you written that down no i just thought that i thought he said at the beginning sing a birthday song for stevie i presume you meant that oh that would make more sense yeah yeah well can you sing that for me then happy birthday to you i hate the eye contact happy birthday to you happy birthday dear stevie happy birthday to you you're an ounce oh you won me in the end so yeah it's a remix he did yeah he did write he did write something yeah yeah i just freestyled are you chasing status the way you remixed that was pretty cool nice you like my knowledge of who does remakes i presume that's the most modern 14 do Jason Stathes even do remixes don't they just do their own music I don't know who do remixes I haven't done you I'm not going to sing you Happy Birthday I've actually written a parody for you and who's I wanted to be down with the kids so who's a hip young artist at the moment Chapel Rhone similar vibe, female is that the most similar vibe Charlie XCX No, let's go more petite Sabrina Carpenter Yeah, Sabby C So I've written a parody of Please, Please, Please Did you just have to look at your laptop to see what the song was called?

43:30Yeah, I did forget So this is I don't know if I can get it in time I've got a karaoke version here I'll be honest, I know you're two of my closest pals but I'm a little bit nervous to do this in front of you So please Vulnerability please please please don't judge it all right and even if it's shit we're absolutely judging the whole point is that i'm judging it i need to pick which song i want at the start of my birthday do you want a happy birthday or do you this is this is a homage to you hold on i can i can see a screen from here i can't see the words but it looks like a full song i've done the full song yeah this is good drag on a bit because we've already spoken about mexico for 40 minutes it's gonna be two and a half minutes okay are we gonna get copyright claimed on the karaoke version should be fine we'll see good well if you're listening to this something goes blank just cut some slack if any of our listeners are listening going i'm really excited to hear this song and the next three minutes are silent that's because we've been copyright claimed right okay you ready stevie yeah this is a homage to what you've been up to recently oh no right a little little thing that you've made online.

44:35Right. Okay. Take it away. Oh. Are you making noises so you don't get copyright claimed? Yeah. Right. I'm going to try to sing it. Ready? Ready? Happy birthday, Stevie. This is for you. I'm cringing so much. I know you started running. I know you're losing weight. it's good that you're getting skinny but you're harder to tolerate you've gone and got a new insta to post your gym updates but please don't good i heard oh i heard it's low carb pasta instead of the daily pies putting way less shit inside you looking like half your size you tell them to follow your Insta and everyone rolls their eyes mate please no that's good all I'm asking baby oh no wait what's sake all I'm asking baby I need to write a song and I'm winning all I'm asking baby Steve Steve Steve don't post that shite Steve is ranked though Steve Steve, Steve, Steve You bore me to tears Now I have to mute you twice Wait, wait, wait That's the heartbreak Where is it?

46:12There There we go Weight loss is one thing Your pics are another I only want to see Topless snaps of your mother I Steve, Steve, Steve Hey Well, it's been a fun few months But maybe you might relapse Because ever since you lost weight Your social posts have been crap And we could live so happily If you regained that fat belly I'm just kidding, but really Really, really Steve, Steve, Steve don't post that shite Steve, Steve, Steve you bore me to tears cause now I have to mute you twice weight loss is one thing your pics are another you're making me angrier than at goals with your brother Steve and then fade out I'll bring the house down this is live I've never seen Sabrina come to live does she go wait wait wait and then go and play it a little bit later on and stuff like that that was tough what's I gonna do this birthday what is I gonna do with my birthday well so the first thing I wake up and people are just going we're not following that fitness shit happy birthday yeah no this isn't part of your day I'm just saying read the question read the question something about reading a birthday a birthday song sing a birthday song Well, you wake up, I'm at the bottom of your bed, dressed like Savvy C.

47:54Okay. Got a nice little one-piece on. Okay. And I'm there. I've grown my hair out. Okay. And I'm singing you that, red lipstick. Barry Keown's in the corner, crying, you can't have me back, Barry! That's what I'm saying. And I'm singing, Steve! Steve! Steve! Yeah, I don't like being called Steve. I think we should play on that, then. That's really going to be a massive mistake you've just made saying that. absolutely cannot explain how crucial a mistake you've made for probably the next six months now steve that moment there that'll be in the history books steve that moment there yeah well also that i've been called a nonce and that just happens anyway so yeah not a big fan of steve right so you have just sung a song saying don't don't follow my fitness page yeah steve 11 fitness steve v11 fitness give it a follow 30 kilograms down how many 30 what kilograms i think you said 30k followers i was like fuck me just hit 3 000 okay thanks not 30 though is it no i didn't say that you've made that up big question now do you want to go for steve steve steve or happy birthday what do you think would be a better show for your birthday um I'm gonna go with Steve Steve Steve just because more effort was put into it and I wasn't called a nonce in that I'd rather people not follow my fitness than think I like kids yeah no I've actually been quite nice about you yeah there were multiple compliments in there at the same time yeah yours didn't have any compliments it's an happy birthday it was a birthday son yeah you hit the brief a little bit better I appreciate Jack has made more efforts yeah now um now as it's your birthday I do say the one caveat to that is that you do have to do it exactly as you've just said.

49:44Dressed up as a real carpenter with Barry Keone in the corner. Yeah, I'll even have one of those like weird sort of things they wear, women sometimes, on the thigh. You know, like the hairband for the thigh? Stockings? No, no. It's like one little... The strap that goes around. What is that called? Just on one thigh. A little bit sexy, that. Garter. I like that you called it a hairband for the thigh. the hairiest place on a body yeah now we've done the song i think we should do a little monologue for steve for steve don't you okay so this would be the question that says where was it let me find let me just access my notes what uh steve yeah yes honestly mate everyone online okay like like a little birthday card greeting yes yes okay thank you so i've written like a poem yeah oh nice here we go so I've tried yeah okay would you like to hear your birthday poet I'd love nothing more imagine this is in a card in a really nice font would you like me to beatbox or something no you don't beatbox in poems slam poetry there's no beatbox in poems you still don't still just poetry like a Hallmark card like a Hallmark card moon pig not like a moon pig one okay yeah this is serious shit this is proper okay cool go on then okay 32 years you've been alive Although your original hairline is 65 11th of July is the magic date Your first birthday not overweight 31 was a wonderful year Filled with love and laughs and cheer A great 12 months giving zero fucks And still not making eye contact with Hux Good As we look back at 31, a wonderful year of fitness fun.

51:35Another year of Instagram's coming. More posts like you invented running. So raise a glass to Stevie White. No longer are your clothes too tight. We hope your day is really great and you don't wear that one T-shirt we hate. Good! Very good. Very good. Andy didn't have to tell me to stop at any point so we could just get to the next line. Because you know I don't have rhythm in that though. That's why I... Okay, I'm sorry. Yeah. Sorry. You seem really unsolored by that. Oh my God. But you know I have a problem. You know I don't have rhythm. You know I'm really sensitive to my lack of rhythm. Well, now I'm fresh because I've done you a poem as well.

52:12Oh. Oh, hello. I'm nervous now. Well, do you think... Because mine was class. Funny, yeah. Yeah, before you say it, do you think it's better than Robbie's? It's longer, but it ain't as good. Is that... Okay, well, let's see what happens. Okay, can you beatbox, please, Robbie? wait no you didn't rock you right stevie white your birthday's here so join us as we raise a beer pretend to a bonny man who's good and gay just 32 already gray but let's not fret on her hair turned white at least you've got some on you now you little tyke didn't work stevie's way less funny now because he's not as fat as he once was but birthdays are not a time for hate i just want to say thanks for being my mate okay he's got me back for seven years we've done the pod me and you from the start and then came rob the free musketeers were an instant smash hit then came alfie who ruined the vibe a bit but thanks for being a very good mate from meal deals to live shows and even milk gate we've traveled the world and done so much stuff that everyone can enjoy for just six quid a month but anyway steve anyway stevie you've turned 32 so i guess now there's only one thing to do sit back relax chilling chill out and listen to my birthday plans i've sorted the mission pick my day over robbie's for a good day spent and i'll put your happy hour pay up to 3%.

53:50He's tried to bribe me at the end there, Robbie. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. That was fairly complimentary. Again, there weren't too many insults there. It's your birthday. But neither was yours. It was okay as well. Yeah. Thank you for the okay. No, no. Like as in you didn't insult me too much. He said your hairline 65 out of order. He said old. Original hairline. He said original. He did say original and you've done the same line, essentially. Don't tell me that. You criticize his hair currently. Yeah, you did. You call me grey. Yeah, you are grey. I am grey. Facts. I was spitting facts.

54:22Call me fat. And you insulted Alfie, so that's good. Yeah. That got an extra bonus point. Fuck, how do I pick between these? Is it nasty to insult the one who's not here? I imagine it happens when I'm not here. Did you say yeah? Yeah, it is, but it doesn't matter, does it? It doesn't listen. Right, okay. No one's going to clip that and specifically send it to him. Oh, for fuck's sake. Sorry, Alf. Yeah. Well, they won't include that bit, will they? They'll just do the bit where you're resorting. They're not going to include context. They probably were going to until you said that. Okay. For the poems, I'm going to have to give this one too.

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56:21Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Robbie. Thank you. He's just evened up. I have evened up. It keeps things exciting for the episode, but well done. You put in a good effort there and rhythm didn't matter. I have Pete there, by the way. Oh, I have you. It's your worst now. I'm glad I've given it to Robbie early. Right. okay so what else do we give on birthdays we get i guess we give gifts right we give gifts yeah what are you getting what are you getting for your old mate oh it's gonna be lovely no uh so it was hard to think of a present for you because i hate you because i just don't know that much about you um it's because you never ask me questions i don't uh so what i thought festival season coming up yeah you're going to have a few festivals yeah so i thought i'd make your own custom tent out of your old guild hoodies but never get where anymore because you're in shape we can make a massive just use one yeah yeah yeah that was uh yeah just just a lovely little guilt a giant guild hoodie tent yeah where are all those guild hoodies been and do you know what gave them charity shops they're in the bin aren't they charity shopping i think i i think i gave some to charity shops I could add a bit to that because there's a big G on there.

57:35Yeah. If Stevie was, oh no, obviously he's got a wife, but let's say he was single. Say you were at a festival and you were like, all right, ladies, do you want to come back to the G spot? That is actually good. Yeah. Is it though? Is that good? It's your tent. It's made your tent better. I think you should leave Arianne just so you can do that live. To call it the G spot. Okay. Yeah. Because I'm sure that would work as well. You should never be able to find it. where's my tent oh i swear it was here somewhere so is that the gift yeah that's the gift yeah okay um okay giant tent based on one of my old headies yeah i've got you two gifts because the first one doesn't really exist um i've been uh emailing the british hair clinic yeah for you and uh for the past few months we've been going back and forth and i've managed to not only get you a spot on their new treatment course but you'll be the first person in the country to to try it go on i've booked you in for a personality transplant at their sister company the british personality clinic good so you will just be anything like how you are now nice tolerable um a completely new personality so oh yeah i've just said that um and also one thing i would love to get you is do you remember a while back when us three did a episode on inventions yeah i want to get you that wingsuit.

59:01So you jump up and you want me to kill myself? No, because I think you'd be able to do it. You're competitive. I think you'd work out how to have it. I'm not an inventor, though. No, it's already invented, mate. You're just going to learn how to use it. It didn't work, Jack. Alright, I'll get you a custom shut the box. There we go. That'd be nicer. Yeah. Which one of them do you want? A personality transplant, a wingsuit, or a shut the box? Well, I'm only allowed one of them. Or a ten out of guilty. huddy yeah what wins i'm picking the tent out of my own huddies why because you want to change me as a person kill me and then what was the other one i'll put that but i'm dead it doesn't matter yeah or shut the box fucking box wow i did not think i'd win that great cheers jack so the way to win this is just to be nice no sorry you've murdered me part way through my birthday jack surprisingly you don't win did i really matter you if you've had a personality change you murdered a different version of me apparently in your eyes a better version of me so you've made me better and i'm gonna kill him anyway yeah get a few signups for your thing though wouldn't it yeah that's on there yeah golden envelope see if i'm killing you today right now the bulk of the the bulk of this is what we're actually going to be doing on your day.

1:00:19Okay, this is the exciting parquet. Robbie, would you like to go first? I don't really mind, but I will. I happily will. Yeah, go on then. So what's your day out? Yeah, yeah. So morning. Yes. Have a good morning. We're heading out to your local park where we met by Cristiano Ronaldo. Why have I picked him? Both. What's special about Ronaldo? You've both got... When he celebrates, he calls my mum's name. I don't know your mate's name. Sue? I don't know, Sharon's on me. Both got news stories that are due to come out in the future? Nope. What is he, apart from his football success, what is he the most of something in the world?

1:01:02Portuguese.

1:01:06Portuguese in the world. Do you know what he is? Fitness. Most followed. He's the most followed person on Instagram. He's going to go for a run with you, and then he'll do a collab post with Stevie 11 Fitness. Oh my word. Have you just done a collab? I'm excited at that. That'd be good, wouldn't it? It'd be a weird decision from him. You've probably got a better body than him now. Get in there. Yeah, so there we go. That would be that for the morning. Yeah. Afternoon, I've just written afternoon. There's not really anything else. What? You can have a little rest if you want or just have your own time.

1:01:38I'm going to need it after my run with Ronaldo, aren't I? Yeah, you could probably just be looking at the numbers for a bit. That's cool, isn't it? if you did one collab post with Ronaldo but it was just like a sweaty gym selfie in Nuffield Norwich how many followers do you think you'd get I'd hit the 30k wouldn't I you might get a milli 100k what about if Ronaldo said follow all the caption said was follow this sexy man oh he'd get lost then if it was just a picture of the two of them working out and he's just tagged Stevie he'd still get 30k off the back of that depends on how good I look at the photo yeah yeah hashtag if i'm trying to do his workout i'm just dying in the background i might just laugh at me yeah but i think you get more you'd be endearing you'd be the everyman so afternoon you do what you want evening though that's exciting yeah i needed the i needed the afternoon to go for all the notifications yeah exactly exactly yeah your friend's like oh you're bloody hell i can't i can't remember i've got overheating so the evening we're getting a silverstone okay i've never been the race neither have i the racetrack is it just us or is that a late I don't know if I'm there that was just me I'm busy that day sorry mate so when you said neither have I to Silverstone you were saying and I'm not going to neither will I okay cool okay we Jack's coming as well okay me you and Jack and I'll bring it out for you long we're getting to Silverstone where a mechanic is going to take the black box out of your car and let you drive at five past ten go on that would be good will the insurance company be okay with that no they'll put it back in at the end it'd be fine nice okay yeah dream day Instagram collab with Ronaldo free time drive that's my birthday yeah happy birthday okay Jack you've got a lot to live up to there okay that's really good I've just hit 30k followers on Stevie11 Fitness over there yeah I can't offer you that kind of exposure okay you will be spending the day with someone interesting okay you know you know um chocky roulette yeah chocky roulette chocky roulette chocky roulette chocky roulette well as it's your birthday and i think you've been um a bit boring recently i'm doing the gym uh i i'm gonna get you to play a different version of chocky roulette okay uh and this version of chocky roulette is called trotty roulette okay have you got any ideas what trotty roulette might be something to have horses trot dominic milton trot dominic milton trot's turning up right the man who's tried 182 different drugs as i said steve i think you've been a bit boring recently you need to spice up your life a bit i think 30 the 32nd year of your life is the year we're really going to get you into drugs right so we're going to get dominic milton trot to turn up he's got a big bag full of 182 different drugs and i've got an itinerary for you but before that we need to find out um which drug you're going to be doing for this okay so we're going to find out what drug i'm on yeah so can you spin the wheel put all the drugs on a wheel spin the wheel put your hand into dominic milton trot's wheel okay and spin spin the wheel and we'll no trotty roulette trotty roulette trotty roulette trotty roulette trotty roulette don't bang the table and i'm taking so you are taking poppers right so you're starting your day with poppers we will be back to that wheel shortly oh okay i'm doing multiple in a day am i yeah okay so poppers are the got loose ass yeah yeah um you can get them in the loft poppers um and glastonbury can you get them at glastonbury you used to be the loft sounds like you're just saying you've a stash up in your house the loft is a nightclub in the dungeon next to the box for the latex in right so uh i thought it's your birthday it's your day it's your big day how are you going to start your day how you start every day you're going to go to the gym right so you're going to the gym after poppers eight till ten on your own um because i'm not going whilst high on poppers okay so uh i'll pick you up just after that at about 10 30 right around the corner from your house uh gives you enough time to go to the gym like like you uh like to do then after that uh we're gonna have a four-hour car journey but to find out about the car journey we need to uh try roulette try roulette dominic's here he went gym with you yeah oh good because i need him to make sure i'm doing okay whilst i'm taking um cannabis right so you're stoned on a four-hour journey with me and dominic's in the back i'm taking a front seat sorry dom i know you supplied the supplies uh but i'm going we're gonna take a front seat who's driving you well i'm driving off my nut well i don't condone it but it's your day yeah you always say you'd love to do that cannabis and drive yeah the poppers are worn off you're fine okay yeah you've shat yourself so we're driving up to uh manchester because you're going to be doing a walking tour of old Trafford.

1:06:41Nice. I couldn't get you in. There's no game, honestly. That's fine. But imagine how many steps you can get in walking around there. I'll even get you a little Manchester United umbrella in case it's raining because we know there's a lot of leaks and holes in the roof. I don't want you getting wet because I know you hate being wet. Thank you. Very thoughtful. I asked Dom if he wanted to come inside. He said no. Just didn't fancy it. I'm staying in the car with Dominic. Oh, you're not coming inside either. You're just staying and doing drugs, aren't you? what are you getting in the wheel I'm not a fucking nutter mate I'm sober, sober as a gench now on the walk round I've organised you to meet someone go on, Rio in Vidic no they're going to be there, they'll sign your shirt I've got you and you it does have the same ring to it they'll sign your shirt or your ball or your fucking tits, I don't know, whatever you want and then we've got another activity, so trotty roulette Trotty Roulette Trotty Roulette Trotty Roulette Trotty Roulette So you Oh Oh Okay So you're on heroin now Okay It's escalated quite a bit isn't it To be fair It's just by chance It's gone up and up I'd go cannabis then poppers though Maybe not actually I don't know Poppers are below cannabis Poppers you can just buy in the loft As you say Yeah true You can't just buy cannabis anyway So after the Old Trafford tour I've got you a VIP fast track guest park to Thorpe Park love that track we're already up north we could have gone to Alton Towers that's what I meant Alton Towers too late legally binding we are at Thorpe Park I would need a better park though okay you're at Thorpe Park don't know I haven't been to Alton Towers since I was a kid me neither I've not been too eager I'm surprised it's changed I'm gonna wait in the car with Dominic yeah I'm walking around Thorpe Park on heroin on my own you like doing theme parks on your own we know this I'm not sure if I'll get very far if I'm on heroin imagine that though you're on the fucking smiler smacked out your fucking smiler i think is on towers yeah but it's not locked down my details okay sorry you're on heroin mate you don't know everything's a smiler if you're doing enough of that right so you go around that um on my own so we've so eight till ten i went to the gym yeah on poppers 10 30 we did a four hour drive to manchester so it's 2 30 where i got a walk walking tour around there so i've managed to get back down to fort park by about 4 30 so an hour Four and a half before it closes.

1:09:07No, more than that to get to Thorpe Park. You've got to go around 25. Nah. Okay, let's say it's about 7pm. No, I've got my helicopter though, so think about it, Robin. Okay, you've got my helicopter. You've got your helicopter. You said you drove. No, I drove halfway and then went, we're not going to make this. Get the heli in. What time are you getting there? Probably about four. Oh, shit. Four. We're getting there at four. Yeah. Okay, so I'm at Thorpe Park for four. You've got an hour. Cram it in. Okay, I've got an hour whilst on heroin. You're a bit sluggish. Yeah, I'm on heroin, Jack. back from London to uh no then we're near London yeah yeah I'll take you to London you're having a meal okay uh well I say you're having a meal we're going to Karen's Diner okay I know the place yeah unfortunately you're not getting anything to eat so I'm just going there to get insulted well they sort of look at you and then they realize actually you should be working here mate okay so I get a job you get a full-time employment contract and they have to do a shift at Karen's Diner on my birthday whilst trotty roulette trotty roulette trotty roulette trotty roulette trotty roulette

1:10:14oh okay that's gonna be mdma it's alcohol so you're gonna be you're gonna be pissed at your brain at karen's right insulting people yeah i'll have a look i'll have a meal that's perfect that means i can just insult you yes fine i'm used to it me and dominic can come in have a little bit of a meal then we've got the final bit so you finish your shift there you've done really well you'll probably be back there working. Okay. How long did I work there? Just an hour. We've got a fucking hour to cram in. They gave me a full-time contract to work an hour. We've got the final bit. We're going back to Norwich for a night out in the waterfront.

1:10:41Okay. 32-year-old Stevie off his nut on and the final drug of the day. Tri-roulette. Tri-roulette. Tri-roulette. Tri-roulette. Tri-roulette. 2CB. I don't know what that is. but it's on there. It's on there. I think it's like LSD or something, maybe. Isn't TCB a thing? Yeah, this is... Lloyd. You look at me like I know. Oh, yes, B. This is 2CB. I don't know. What's 2CB? I don't know. It's probably going to be like LSD, I think. So you're going to be in the waterfront, 32-year-old Stevie on your own. Again, me and Dominic didn't come down to you. He didn't even come down. I'm surrounded by 18-year-old Goffs.

1:11:19Nice. I tried to get in to make you feel better, but I am banned from the waterfront. Yeah, don't sell a meth. Yeah, and then, yeah, you'll have a hell of a come down the next day how do you feel about that? what was your day? just Ronaldo and then Ronaldo then you go for some free time then you go and drive around Silverstone yeah I think I might do that how's that one? you made me drive four hours on my birthday off my nut you made me work a shift on my birthday you didn't come into any of the things when we go to Fort Park on my own on heroin you again didn't come in you didn't look after me at any point during any of it you just stayed in the car with Dominic doing god knows what yeah but he's not once with him is it he's the one that's flipped him over the edge Steve never stops at once I think you are underestimating how much fun you can have having a new fresh experience on my own constantly everyone does that shit all the time it's crap Cristiano Ronaldo going for a run with Ronaldo alright well fair enough you're going with Ronaldo and boosting your followers instead of having a good old time with me and Dom.

1:12:27I'm not with you. You stay in the car every time. Well, that's a long journey, mate. Okay, great. I get four hours. Other than that, I do the walk around Old Trafford. I'm not doing tension on a journey, Jack. I'm off my nut. Well, you've got to focus on driving, aren't you? Yeah. You've got to focus on driving. Yeah, you've got to drive over to the waterfront as well. Okay. Any special guests popping up throughout the day, Robbie? So this says a special guest performance party doesn't have to be music. I'll be honest. I was running out of funny things to say by this point. So I've just got Michael Bublé, but because he does nothing to do with music, he's going to fire ping pong balls at his arse.

1:13:05Good. I mean, I'm not against it. Would you? I think you'd go a bit off Bublé if you saw him firing ping pong balls at your arse. I'd either go off him or like... Is he going to do that? Squeeze them together? Come on, you have that. Fuck, I'd watch that. Yeah, that's what my idea is now. Change it. Booblo's firing people without your ass. He's just Steve, he's bent over ass in the air. Booblo's squeezing his feet. He's coming out of the waterfront. They'd just be aiming at him if he's firing me. He's touching him as that. He's eating him. It's like that guy on TikTok. He's in the guy that throws the orange.

1:13:42Yeah. That's well weird. It'd be easier if you'd done the poppers. They'd just fall out. Easy right now, yeah. There'd be no fucking dribbling out. wow so buble yeah i'd either go off him or like him even more yeah i'll get the same jack no no uh so i know it didn't have to be music i've got three musicians coming for you okay so first of all you got lad baby opening up doing their entire back catalog of sausage rolls big fan of lad baby yeah well you you've got them inks yeah so so there's that um and then uh i think you're a little bit too bitter and hateful towards this man so i think he could win you around if you had a little one-to-one session with Matt Healy.

1:14:23Little Q &A. Guess that. Little live Q &A. Yeah. Okay. He might be lovely in person. Also, if I did all the drugs, he'd be well keen. I don't know about that. I don't know if it's liable. I thought that was his whole thing. Is he a drug guy? Not now. No. He's over an hour. He used to be on the old hezzer, though. That was years ago he was doing that. Yeah. 1975. No. I read. Right. So they're two sort of jokey acts that, like, because obviously we have a bit of boisterous banter between us, don't we? So I've got them guys in. but I am going to finish on a band you actually do like and it sounds like I'm mugging them off now because I'm putting them with those guys Cassia but I have asked can you fucking not do any music and just play right there for two hours right there's a banger I'll be sitting right there looking at the window trying to keep the day from losing all the way

1:15:23the reason for that for the so we can let the listeners in on the story is we went to a festival once was it truck festival um it i oh what was it truck or reading but we went there and we went i said on the way down i like this band called cassia listen to this song it's a banger and we like that song so much that we just kept playing that repeat pretty much only listened to that song the whole weekend staff member came over and told us to stop playing that one song because it was getting annoying it's a good song it is a great song like you can play bohemian rhapsody back to back 10 times and you'd be like shut the fuck up yeah you wouldn't yeah so yeah fair enough so that's that's the that's the lineup two hours of that or two hours of ping pongs or buble ping pong out of my house either ass either ass i can pick us well catch us they catch yeah Play ping pong.

1:16:07Yeah, I was wrong. Your turn. So with Buble or Sausage Rolls, Matt Healy. See, Cassia's won me round. I like the Buble stuff. Yeah, you'd prefer if you did music though, wouldn't you? Yeah, I would. I'm not too fast. What about if I get Matt Healy to do the ping pongs? No, I don't like the ping pong element. Oh, right. he wouldn't like the pink ball element of matt healy's doing it no he uses the magic yeah yeah fair enough i think i'm gonna pick yours just for the cassia element okay nice nice i reckon i actually make that happen um and then finally what happened you're gonna invite them to my birthday and say can you just play right there for two hours on repeat please for a laugh wouldn't i think after they do the first three they go this isn't as funny anymore yeah it would still be funny for me all the way through yeah i think they'd be a bit like why the fuck have we agreed to do this yeah fair enough uh and then we finish with chocolate uh we've oh oh shit i've given my way there oh a little spoiler right no cake cake okay are we finishing i've got like two other questions oh have you what have you got robbie i've got who's coming oh okay yeah anyone else coming robbie to yours uh i've only got one guest okay stevie he's uh darren huckabee's gonna come and they just sit in silence while they watch Boobly, Five of Bing Bungs or whatever.

1:17:31And I don't have any guests for you, so that wins. Well, I'm obviously taking hugs. Also, if it's not a gym moment, we'll have a conversation. That's fine. He just doesn't talk loads in the gym, does he? No, he's grafting, isn't he? Yeah. He'll learn. So, yeah, he's coming. Yeah, okay. Have you got anything else? You got a cake for him? Yeah, he's getting a cake. Oh, what kind of cake? So, are you familiar with erotic bakeries? No. Make erotic cakes. I could guess what it was, but is this a real thing? They're real things. You get erotic cakes, they can get like a penis cake or a vagina cake or something like that.

1:18:05Yeah, Twattenburg. Yep, very good. Because, I'm trying to think of some other ones. Cock cheesecake. Yeah. Black Forest penis. Victoria minge. Yeah, you get the idea. I likey what?

1:18:30you're so gross today why did you get a big ick in the last 10 minutes you are such an ick anyway I likey I likey right so Rottergeist I thought because you've got your new beautiful physique you could have a full life size cake of yourself naked. That wouldn't be nice. For you and Hux to sit and eat. You'd just be in front of you and you can make small talk about it. Life-size, do you say I'm naked? Yeah, so it's like you naked on this cake, like a full life-size model of it, but cakes, you can eat it. Has he got an erection? Have you got an erection now? Yes. Yes. More cake. It's up to you. It's your cake, you can choose if you want to have an erection.

1:19:13You can't choose anything else. Is it like a laid down cake? Yeah, it's lying down. So you're lying down. So if there's an erection, and I'd be a bit sticking up. Yeah, it wouldn't be that. It wouldn't be like that, would it? Yeah, it'd be like that. But a cherry there. It wouldn't be that. Cherry. So yeah, an erotic cake if you're naked. Okay. If you're a new muscular physique. Okay, it's really not that nice. Hux is eating it whilst not making any noise. No. Silent cake-y. It must be well awkward. I've got you a big chocolate cheesecake. Right? Okay, cool. I thought we were just going to stop there.

1:19:47Cheese, because you're really cheesy. Like cringy and shit. Chocolate melted all over it, because you're a fucking melt. Then we're going to scatter loads of frazzles on it with no bacon-coloured strips on it, so your dad keeps his fucking dirty hands on it. And then I am going to pack that full with pistachios and cashews to give it a bit of a crunch. Okay, I'll probably take Robbie's. I've gone through more effort. I've also made you a plan. I've made him a fucking erotic cake of himself. That's more effort than just a cheesecake. Yeah. And you just used elements of it to insult me. That was low.

1:20:31I've got a plan B. And put nuts in it. I've got a plan B. Go on. I'm going to bake you a loaf of bread with a single garden pea in it. What? Stevie's P-dough. Yeah, I'm going to have Robbie's cake. Cheers, Steve. Can't change my mind, can I? so what are we having then so how's your birthday looking then because that's about all we've got time for so so i've got a night out anywhere oh okay you've got a night out well i'll just answer the questions you sent me yeah go on so i don't want you so surprised that i've done it um so i've just thought for your night out at the end of the night after silverstone you go out for a meal okay but you've got with you a videographer who's going to film your drink in loads of different angles really good 4k quality okay then the waitress is going to bring over your order and everything's wrong but you've got video evidence you've got the receipts you can be a full-on mega karen with evidence and go fucking nuts at the poor underpaid woman i like the opportunity yeah you got an arrangement i feel like i wouldn't leave the video though i'm sure i could i to be fair if i get if something goes wrong i just normally deal with it but oh you're such a bad boy I will deal with this I don't need a video mate I'll just fucking tell her you just go sorry this is wrong I can't imagine she going no unless they start going no it's not she's going no no no you definitely said you said that and you go actually can you not remember this 4k videographer next to me some school teacher wheels in one of those TVs that you have at school wheels that in and then you play the video back and you're like You know how old Robbie is when they think they're still wheeling TVs?

1:22:11Yeah, no, he's saying it because that's... I'm saying it because that's what happened in the old days. You're going to be last nostalgia here. Yeah. But it's filmed in 4K, shown on an old TV. Yeah. Yeah. Old TV. Yeah. Okay. Well, you want to film it so they can punch in in post. Well, I don't have an option here anyway, do I? Because you've not planned a night out. Night out of the waterfront doing TV. Yeah, but that's... I already said no to all that shit. So, yeah, let's do the Karen thing. Okay, cool. Right. So you wake up. I rest my case. This is your birthday. you wake up you look at the bottom of your bed who's there gorgeous little me five foot me dressed as sabby c what are you saying a hairband around my thigh i'm steve steve steve don't pose that shy and then it gets to uh 10 in the morning and uh who turns up robbie ronaldo he wants to go for a run down slow bottom park and then he's doing a he's doing a collab and you have to sit there going while he goes what is the name of it because i don't actually follow it yeah stevie you haven't finished he goes i thought you were steve uh and then he collabs with it and you get loads of followers okay you get 30k followers nice uh meanwhile me and dmt are just sat in a car like i can't believe you didn't come like we had all this stuff planned i got one thought park ticket there like in my hand like pretty upset yeah didn't come then you got nothing to do in the afternoon for a bit i didn't just didn't write anything down and still won that's all right i'm dealing with all uh all the notifications and then you go silverstone yeah yeah yeah and then you get to drive um well that's a bit later on but you get to drive at 10 past 10 yeah yeah um you get a cake um for some reason i've got this beautiful chocolate cake it's just melting and you're in a car because you didn't want it instead he's gone for um you got that you got an erotic cake with hucks sat there with you while you have it little erection that he's just slowly just eating without making a single sound but luckily i don't need the sound because i did have some musical artists to perform whilst i'm eating this yeah you did you had lad lad baby they're there singing all the sausage roll hits that we know and love um matt healy does a little acoustic session, a little Q &A.

1:24:06You can ask him, why are you such a cunt? Yeah. To his face. Michael Bublé's lost. He don't know what to do with himself. In fact, there's not that many people in the place because they've all gone outside the car park where Bublé's firing pickleballs over the building. Over the building! Oh, he's got some pace. And just while you're out in the car park thinking, maybe I should have showed you, you can just hear the faint sound of...

1:24:31Coming from inside. Even a banger from outside. Yeah, it is, isn't it? So what a beautiful day. That is a great day. And also Robbie obviously tells me a poem at one point, which is nice. My nice card. That's an ideal birthday, you know. It's a nice birthday. I hope that comes to fruition one day. Well, it's my birthday tomorrow, so I imagine you guys have actually planned all this. Yeah, yeah. You're busy. Yeah. You're busy, yeah. So I'll be putting on some red lipstick and I'll see you in the morning. You're in Vegas, aren't you? Yeah, I'm away. Happy birthday, Stevie. Thanks, mate. It's been Jack Mate's Happy Hour podcast with me, Jack Mate, Robbie Knox, and Steve.

1:25:08Happy birthday, Steve. Happy birthday, me.

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