579 - ARGUMENTAL IV - Who Do YOU Agree With?

27:44just to see if anything happens and save four minutes of my life. Skipped it, 2-2. No way. I invested all that time and then I fucked it by skipping four minutes. Did you then forward to the pens or did you? No, I watched it. I watched extra time. I was really in then. And then the reason why I was getting up is because the pens were so shit, right? Sweden had three chances to win it and missed every single one. Did you see the pens? Yeah. Yeah. So I was just standing up on the bed, bum out like that. And I was going, we're out now, Fee. we're out now because of her like that and then Sweden would miss it and I'd go come on like that I was bouncing around the room it was all good Cheeks or testis?

28:23Cheeks I think there's a little bit of the women's team that are hoping it's being watched that way Yeah well there you go if they've got a problem I've got my arse out when I'm watching it fuck me what else can I do for the women's game? Not have your arse out while I'm watching it Is arse out and watch it or arse away and off? What do you want? So you're saying you only watch women play football if your arse is out. Because I watch all football including at the stadium. What are the murderers? It's a women's Euros, mate. You know my rules. If they get to the final, I should say, I feel in for a fucking shock.

28:57And I'm in a toga. Use your seat. If women get to the final, shall I go to the murderers in a toga? Yeah. By the time the zap goes out, it's already finished. Yeah, true. Anyway, even if you say you will now. Yeah, probably not. Yeah. But yeah, anyway, you just had a few drinks and yeah. Did you get much of a reaction to the baby costume? From strangers, yeah. What are they saying? Ooh, it's a little baby. Ooh, look, it's a little baby. That was before you put the costume on. Yeah. Did you like it? I was in the loop. Did you like the reaction? I was in the loop. Did I like the reaction? Did you know that psoriatic arthritis may progress over time and could cause permanent joint damage if left untreated?

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31:26Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. I thought, why are you doing that? I'm clearly... What did I think? I'm quite a cynical person, but I did think I'm clearly on a stag do here. It's not like I'm doing this because I think it's funny. Yeah, but they're finding that funny. They're leaning into it. Oh, they're leaning into it. I didn't mind it. I would be like... Did you get drunk? A little bit. yeah not too much no no no no no i never get that drunk no yeah yeah but i had a really nice time and thanks for coming and oh good we'll focus on the wedding now yeah looking forward to it yes i'm gonna cause a scene what does that mean don't know please don't i'm turning up with a yoga a yoga you're gonna do some stretches yoga destructor that's it i have been i've been doing a lot of scenarios I've been doing a lot of scenarios to Ali like what would you do if this happened?

32:28I'll do the toga one tonight Love it If I just hung up in a toga Yeah But in the crack Yeah, arse out I might get a new suit Really? Might do Oh, nice I need to get a new suit So, maybe go suit shopping If you didn't, we didn't look like your old suit's like massive I've got no suit That's the style these days What, big suit? Billy Eilish does that Yeah Do you want me to come as Billy Eilish? Yeah, please I would actually love that yeah that would really make the day he's been coming himself and you can come okay yeah there we go right we're all caught up baby you're caught up now we've done this episode a few times i think we've done it three times this might be the fourth i'd say it's one of our favorite series we've done we loved it the first one's really good and then it sort of went downhill from there so let's see if we can claw it back because we that's good podding not coming up with fresh ideas let's claw the ones no one likes no this is one of our favorite little sub series yeah we're doing argumental now for anyone who doesn't know the concept of the game it's very simple we've come up with eight different questions there's a for and against it's like a debate society you know in in the u.s where they have these kind of debate sites we've been given at random the for and against so these aren't our actual opinions maybe some just happen to align but we uh we don't have the choice in this most things we say in this episode whilst giving our arguments are for not necessarily what we believe for the game not even necessarily they know what we believe They know what we believe.

33:53Yeah, you know. I know, but things can get clipped. People will clip this out and use it out of context, so we have to put this disclaimer at the start as well. So, for example, the game's funny as well if there's some controversial ones in there. So if it's like... How controversial? I don't know, like you should eat dog, right? We're not going to... I don't think you should eat dog, but if I get given four, I will give you some reasons why you should eat dog. Yes, okay. Right? The taste. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The rush. Now, Stevie, who would you like to go first? Let's let the other side of the table start the game.

34:27So if you guys remember from previous argumentals, you've both written out your arguments for none of us know what everyone said. When you're giving your argument, no one will interrupt. Yeah. Okay. The next person can then give their argument. No one interrupts. And then we discuss. And the two that are listening to the argument, because we're all going to go head to head with each other at one point. The two who aren't involved in the debate will confer and decide who's won the argument. But don't interrupt the actual kind of conversations, because you never know where they're going with it.

34:58So what is the argument for these two, Jack? Alfie versus Robbie. The first statement is people who don't drink alcohol are boring. Okay. Now, who would like to kick us off? And before you kick us off, let us know which side of the argument you're on. You're on four, aren't you? So you probably want to deliver yours first, don't you? Yeah, sure. He's on what? I am four. Oh, you're arguing four. So Alfie is saying people who don't drink alcohol are boring. Okay, take it away. Aligns with your views perfectly. Thank you. I haven't read these since last night. They might be weird. What's changed between last night and now?

35:35Yeah, you've just fucking matured. I get a little bit... Yeah, I have actually. You don't know what's happened to me last night. Yesterday evening. Oh, okay. Did you stay in? I'm watching four in a bed. Yeah. people who don't drink alcohol are boring sorry good point come on don't interrupt thank you the word sober not in an alcoholic context is defined as serious sensible and solemn for example a sober view of life how shit does that sound answer please there's quite a lot of audience participation if he's asking for our reply we can yeah yeah it sounds boring interrupt a bit you can rod him a bit how does that terrible yeah remember that yeah i for one love putting poison into my body for a few hours of momentary joy only to have a wave of physical and mental pain torture me for days after and and do it all again next week.

36:36Robbie, do you remember when I got so drunk I wet myself and tried to get naked in your lounge? I do, yes. Inappropriate? Yes. Clearly mentally unwell? Yes. Boring? No. You cannot say you were bored seeing Jack desperately trying to stop me pull my pants down in front of a room of men I'd just met that day. correct this is all true it's all no one would ever believe that that's a real thing that happened what do what do racist politicians do to make them seem fun and relatable they have a pint it makes us feel at ease they don't film themselves with a pint of oat milk do they no because that would be boring people who don't drink are the worst it's a scientific fact that the lack of alcohol dries out their brain and stops them from producing the fun chemical you'll find many of them watching four five or even six episodes of four in a bed in one evening yes it's a consistently great show where you'll know that but six six is too boring ever been to a festival with someone who's sober they watch the music they listen to it they eat food it's insane religious reasons are fine thank you very good okay that was good it's a cracking start that good start i would like to give my argument against respectfully alfie for this i do not agree that people who don't drink alcohol are boring some of the greatest people of all time don't drink alcohol or didn't drink alcohol Isaac Newton, Gandhi, Nikola Tesla, stunt peg.

38:28Is Isaac Newton boring? He once stuck a needle into his eye socket to study light refraction. That's not something a boring person would do, and it's also true. Did he actually do that? Yeah. Nutter. Yeah, not boring. Was he on coke, though? Don't think so. Doesn't say. I don't think Isaac Newton was a massive gearhead. Is Gandhi boring? he once pulled out all of his teeth again not boring and also true yes with what I don't know why they were false teeth he said he didn't need them oh my nan pulled out false teeth no but they were like properly in there and he'd keep them in his robe and then just stick them back in when he had to eat did he have a toga I don't know a little mini toga thing didn't he sort of me and Gamby watching lionesses not to eat is Nikola Tesla boring he claimed to have invented a death beam that could shoot down aeroplanes boringness denied is Stump Peg boring?

39:24also no but she hasn't done anything that mental compared to that but she's not boring you've done videos of thug dentistry drinkers are the boring ones all their stories about how they went out partying and doing all these different things but they never have any good stories about how they went to the gym and ate loads of protein then went to bed sounds really fun I tell you what's boring getting mouth can throat can esophagus can liver can breast can Arse can and Larix can just seven of the different cans you can get from drinking alcohol Jack's spiraling fucking hell why would you do that Robbie Jesus Christ you'll just beat Jack but okay drinking alcohol can also lead to erectile dysfunction imagine the scene Alfie you drink alcohol and go to a swingers party you match up with a couple but can't get a boner now you're just sat in the corner desperately slapping your lymphatic penis but there's no life in it desperate you pull at it prod it but nothing It just lies there all floppy.

40:24The other woman looks at you, disappointed, which just makes it worse. Your dick resembles a sickly malnourished slow worm dying in the hot midday sun. Then you look across the room and see your partner, sweaty, bent over a coffee table while a perfectly sober thugton rails her from behind. I thought that was going to happen. You leave the room in tears and sit outside until they're finished. Yeah, probably would have left earlier. once I saw him in there. As he leaves, he gives you a wink and drives home. You can't drive because you've been drinking, so you have to wait 35 minutes for an Uber.

40:57Was your night boring? Sort of. Was Thogden's? No. I rest my case. Wow. Two? I'm not clapping that, actually. That one was a bit more graphic than I expected. Thogden's clapping it, wasn't it? Right. Two titans of the debate game going head-to-head there in the early stages. Wow. Where to begin on that? Yeah, that's good. So were any of them doing it tongue-in-cheek? Did I believe their arguments? Alfie put in a couple of little references to himself on both sides of the fence, didn't he? Because he did the four-in-a-bed stuff. Alfie's made me want to drink. It was that good. Like, he was talking about, like, getting naked at FIFA.

41:40Yeah. I thought I remembered that day. I thought it was bleak at the time. But now I go... But it wasn't bleak for you. No, it was. I tried to cover him up. You did cover me up. I was trying to take my pants down. I went 1-0 up. There's a video of it. Why? Why were you doing that? I got so excited that I went 1-0 up in the final. I took my top off and it got a big cheer and I thought they are loving the clothes coming off. Yeah. And all I had left was my bottoms. Yeah. So I went for it, didn't I? You did, yeah. And Jack just, well, took a lot of strength because you know drunk strength? Yeah. I was drunk strengthening them down.

42:20I know. Yeah, and you were like, oh! You were like an ox. Yeah, I know. Yeah, they would have come down as well. Big time. If I weren't so hench. Yeah. Yeah, right. And Robbie, I like the point where you were using the famous people who didn't drink. Can we be certain that they didn't drink, though? Yeah, Stump Peg, we know. They might have had ages. Stump Peg, I've seen, have a beer once. I'm happy. I don't know. But generally they were well-known non-drinkers. Wow. Where's your head at? Where's your head at? No, no, no. I'm thinking... I like the famous stuff. The swing of stuff got a bit far for me.

43:01Cheers, yeah. Oh, okay. Just a bit more detail than I needed. That's how I felt listening to it. Painting a vivid... Sorry, there was a picture I painted too. Yeah, I am thinking... His penis is a sandworm. I think you've gone personal rather at the concept. It wasn't personal. I was just telling you to imagine a situation. What, he's missing Shag and Fogden, mate. Yeah, I was saying he wouldn't. And my penis being a little slug. I'm saying he wouldn't want that to happen. That's why he shouldn't be drinking. I'm sorry if the facts are upsetting for you, but that's debate. Shall we confirm? Do you think that would happen if Alfie had a drink?

43:34Would that whole situation just happen if he had a pint? No, Stevie, it wouldn't happen. Because he's just saying imagine it. Okay. I genuinely, I could flip a coin on this. Yeah, I could flip a coin. Fuck That's good We've done well then I think We're happy whatever happened Yeah Okay I think I'm veering 51 % for Alfie Get in That drunk people Are not boring Where are you going? Is that because you love pints? Yeah Alfie did have an advantage Because He's arguing for the case But I'm trying to be neutral here I'm trying to be neutral Yeah That is the issue isn't it But I Fuck it's hard on the floor it shouldn't be this hard i'm going alfie okay there we go right next up is i think as winner let alfie go again you want to go again alfie if you can go to like a break uh if you're asking what i actually said is as loser give robbie a chance to redeem himself okay okay right so robbie me again you're going to be taking on me great oh and the debate is having kids in 2025 is selfish oh okay uh robbie would you like to go first or second uh i think what's my argument you're i think if i'm four i should go first yeah okay okay we can always put the four first if you'd like yeah we can do that so robbie you are for having kids is selfish in 2025 okay you may think i'm going to talk about the environmental impact of having kids, but I'm not because I'll be dead in the future, so I don't care what happens.

45:11But there are many other arguments why you shouldn't be having kids. What do the following have in common? Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, Osama bin Laden, Hitler. One, they're all cunts. And two, they used to be children. All the worst things ever to happen in the world have been done by people who used to be children. Stop having kids and there will be no more murderers. it's not just crimes done by children that will end. What's the worst crime you can do? Rape. Murder. Pedophilia, you say? Why did none of us say that? If you stop having kids... Well, because I'd rather be nonced on than killed.

45:54Speak from experience. If you stop having kids, there will be no more pedophilia. If there are no kids to molest, pedos will have to go back to their normal lives playing Rocket League. Having kids is just enabling them. You wouldn't give an alcoholic a beer, so why do you think it's okay to produce millions of children every year? And what's worse than genocide, serial killers, and pedos? Yes, if we stop having kids, we'll end the one thing worse than all of these. Family vloggers. Good point. Higridgen out. Very good point. And then... What was that one? A dab. A dab. Losing a point for dabbing.

46:30Losing a point for dabbing. You wrote do a dab in there, so I remembered. Interesting points. Okay, so here's my argument against the fact that having... Your rebuttals. Yeah, my rebuttal to having kids is selfish in 2025. Why would giving life be selfish? Sure, the earth is heating up rapidly year on year, and eventually the sun will engulf us in blistering flames, wiping out humanity and everything that's alive. Everything you know and cherish. But that's not for what? 100, 200, 400 million years? So our kids will be fine. Their kids will be fine. Their kids will be fine. Their kids will be fine.

47:05etc etc etc so sure at one point one generation will experience those blistering flames engulfing the entire planet but fuck them that's hundreds of millions of years away and look at it this way gen z are a bunch of stupid stuck-up tiktok loving twats who talk in memes and can't go three minutes without puffing their little strawberry and mint fucking vapes so imagine what the generation in 100 generations time will be like proper twats but let's talk about now 2025 is it selfish to have children to bring them into this modern world no of course not i believe it's only selfish to have children if you know you're not going to be a good parent if you have no safe living conditions or if you live in the city of hull not having children is robbing them not only of one of not having children is robbing them not only of the beautiful gift of life, but of life's greatest little moments, such as experiencing those butterflies you get in the pit of your stomach when you share your first ever kiss with the girl you fancy who lives across the road, or the older bloke who lives next door.

48:10Robbie, if your parents never had you because they are worried about the state of the world, you'd never had experienced the incredible soccer AM days. you would have never been the first goalkeeper to win a trophy at the new Wembley Stadium. You wouldn't have been invited to Liam Gallagher's birthday party or got free tickets to see Liverpool in the greatest ever Champions League final. Stevie, if your parents never had you because they were worried about the state of the world you'd have never got to meet one of the country's greatest ever sportsmen in David Beckham. You'd never have got to experience taking a little boy under your wing and becoming the best dad to him anyone could be.

48:42True love and fatherhood. Alfie. Don't worry about it though. Oh my God, I've survived that. That's the most outrageous. Alfie, if your parents never had you because they were worried about the state of the world, you'd have never got to play FIFA. Life has value. Life has meaning. And I believe it is truly selfish not to share your sperm or eggs with the world. Why keep your sperm in your horrible little balls, Robbie, when you can share it with a lady? A beautiful lady who will take that beautiful sperm into her vaginal cavity.

49:20and create beautiful life not just life but life that could potentially make a beautiful baby that could invent the cure for cancer not the baby making the cure for cancer but the baby would get a bit older and invent the cure for cancer but then again maybe if the baby did invent the cure for cancer not only would you change the lives of everybody on planet earth the baby would also get famous and so would you as its parents, so I reckon you'd be minted and probably get to go on something like The One Show. Without kids, we wouldn't have had Greta Thunberg and her historic campaigning for a better planet.

49:55Without kids, we wouldn't have had Anne Frank and her heart-wrenching journals about horrifying life in Nazi Germany. And perhaps, worse of all, we wouldn't have Stranger Things. Or those fascinating Louis Farouk documentaries with Jimmy Savile. Don't be selfish, pop one out. Do you love Stranger Things? I love Stranger Things. Is that what's I knew that would be really good. So I think Jack started slower. Robbie came in quite fast there. Jack started slower. Jack started to win me round in the middle. Yeah. I think I got a little bit lost at the cavity. Vaginal cavity. Yeah. What? Where do you think the spam goes?

50:29You called his horrible little balls as well. No, I just said... Don't keep that coming. You're my little balls. Horrible little balls. Those are the best bits. I think it dragged a little bit, to be honest, but I like the vaginal cavity. I think yours made more logical sense. I think yours was flawed logically. Mine? A lot of the time. Get fucked. What do you mean? Just the stuff about if there was no kids, there'd be no life. There'd be nothing to murder, though, would there? It's true. Yeah. That is true. Your argument was more stop humanity. Yeah, you were trying to stop humanity as a whole.

51:01Which I can't. Which would happen. Yes. Who's going to make all the good things in the world? Well, no one's here, so I guess it doesn't matter. What? Who's going to make clogs? What? Is that good things in the world? No, but there won't be any because there won't be any kids. Animals. We'll train them before we all die. Right. And who's going to wear the clogs? Why would we train them? We're not going to be there to enjoy the clogs. Yeah. Well, they'll train themselves then. This is what I mean about the logic. We're onto this whole podcast. I was leaning more towards Robbie winning, but you're right with the logic.

51:31You've not argued for people to stop having kids. You've argued for humanity to end. Do you want the world? Thank you. Yes. And that worries me. Do you want the world dying? Because I'm part of humanity. Do you want to survive? For a bit. I don't know. I don't know. I'd like to get a Christmas. Do you want to be a grandpa one day? Yeah. You've just stopped your kids from having fun. Oh, he's done me. Oh, no. Fuck. He's tricked me. Alfie, I'll let you announce the winner. I really liked both. I think I'll go Jack just purely because Robbie's made no sense. that's a good reason that's a good reason right okay we'll take that two losses from two it's alright Robbie you still you put up a good fight though mate you're not going down with a damp squib next up oh is this me and you mate no no okay are we ending the ep what should we do next probably Stevie and Alfie well I need to come in Alfie because you two just went I'll go up against Alfie okay this is the debate between Stevie White and Alfie Indra and the debate is trigger warnings are necessary.

52:42Alfie, you'll be debating for the side that they are necessary. You're for it. I'm not too sure about this, Alf, so I'm intrigued to hear your thoughts. Before I start, trigger warning. I'm about to discuss trigger warnings. So if any listeners have had bad experiences with trigger warnings, please stop listening now. Also, sorry for the trigger warning. I should have warned you that I was going to do one. very good fuck oh what a run fucking inception of warning that was a solid start that's john kerns that do not get me too over excited because i've still got a lot of this to go okay okay trigger warnings are necessary some people may find certain things really traumatic to watch so it's kind it's kind to just put a little disclaimer for those people so they have the choice whether to potentially put themselves through that mentally.

53:38It only takes a few seconds and doesn't affect your day, but it might save someone else's week. Look at the little wing. He's going to win. I'm just leaving that there. I'm going to read that line again if that's all right. Yeah, yeah. And if you are listening to this on audio only, just hop over and watch the visuals. It only takes a few seconds and doesn't affect your day, but it might save someone else's week. Not as good. Yeah, delivered better the first time. I'm going to do it one more time. This is the final one though, yeah? This is actually the last one and this is going to blow you away.

54:14All right, okay, go on. Oh, that's pressure though. You always count well with pressure though, so you'll be fine. It only takes a few seconds. It doesn't affect your day. But it might save someone else's week. Worst one yet. Yeah, the worst one yet. Didn't do the wing. That didn't deserve a wink. That was awful. shit man oh as a pathetic anxious sack of shit i get triggered all the time anything can set me off this is why i would go even further and add more trigger warnings in everyday life for example when someone gets food out on the train they might go trigger warning i'm about to eat near you and it might smell a bit and also i might chew kind of loudly or at five a side before we play someone, they might go, trigger warning, I'm an angry man who's had a bad week and that might expose itself in the form of me taking this too seriously and hurting you.

55:08More trigger warnings equals less nasty surprises. Thank you. Yeah, it's nice. It's nice. Solid, solid. Oh, Stevie, you are arguing for the side that trigger warnings are not necessary. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen. Snacks. A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms.

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56:38Plus, save time with job site delivery on select purchases. Not a member? Join for free today. Exclusions, more terms, and restrictions apply. Can't be combined with any other discount, including but not limited to contract and or special pricing. Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. Details at Lowe's.com slash terms. Subject to change. trigger warnings must be stopped maybe i can accept that there was once a time where they could have been beneficial but it's gone too far where is the line these days people want warnings on everything and that makes the whole idea of them completely meaningless life doesn't come with spoiler alerts so why should everything else be catered towards being careful not to upset the melts of the world sorry fucking hell what did you say no i just coughed Are you interrupting him?

57:24I literally just coughed. I just coughed. Sorry, you should have given me a trigger warning. Trigger warning, I just coughed. Trigger warning, you're a cunt. Thank you for the warning. Oh, even that was good. It's impossible to know what trigger warning should be placed on anything because there'll always be someone out there who's triggered by something. Hey, hey, brother. Giving people... Picking his arm. Hey, hey, brother. Giving people a trigger warning gives them time to mentally prepare. Life comes at you fast and needing to be warned will make you as weak and pathetic as Alfie. You probably watch or listen to this podcast and think he spends 90 % of his life indoors because he's boring.

58:04And you're right, completely right with that. But he's also too scared of being upset, so he stays in and hides from the real world. Hey, hey, bro. On another note, if we put trigger warnings everywhere, then the Karen race would die out. One of our favourite moments from touring this podcast Was when we were playing music By known sex offenders before the show And someone in Brighton complained Before we even went out on stage That was class A trigger warning would have robbed us of that moment And happy hour being banned from performing in Brighton Dome We are I also once got a DM from a listener Once complaining about the way I joke about my own childhood trauma They were triggered by my childhood That's my nonce Not yours you can't win so why bother trigger warning life bit right wing for me it was I mean it did it did feel a little bit like we popped on GB News but I'll tell you that oh that was good that was good you took ownership of your nuns he is your nuns he is mine he is your nuns and that affected your decision though there were a lot of other good times I like when people draw from their own experience yeah but sometimes it can be a little bit like just trying to buy votes yeah yeah Yeah, true.

59:16Yours had the best opening to any argumental ever, I think. Thanks. You lost it with your three takes. Have you just kept it at that first one? Yeah, yeah. The first one, you nailed it. And then you went, I'm going to do it again. Why did I do that? You got cocky. You've enjoyed it. And you knew it would happen as well. You said it. As soon as I did that second one, I was like, I'll fuck this. The second you did that wink, I almost waved the white flag. Really? He's got this. Yeah, he's got it. I can't remember anything else he said because all I can think of was that awful third take I don't really remember any of his other arguments I'm with you on that whereas I remember Stevie consistent I think it built I mean for me Stevie I'm happy to go with that and that is a crying shame because like I said no one has ever opened an argument better than that and I ruined it that was the best one ever and I somehow managed to ruin it on that.

1:00:12I think you've not lost because of your content. You've lost because of you as a person. My personality is terrible. Do you know what that was? That was the Euro final 2020. Yes. You were Luke Shaw scoring in the first three minutes. Wow. Yeah. Brilliant. Football's coming home. Yeah. Football's coming home. And then we've disappointed everyone. Then we've all just sort of Yeah. Need to revaluate things on a deeper level. If Luke Shaw scored three like several consecutively worse own goals. Yeah. As he went along. Well, it's like if Luke Shaw went, can I just quickly recreate that goal? It was a really good moment.

1:00:44And then he missed a second two. Yes, that's true. It'd be awful. He'd never work again. Okay, next up, we are going to debate that the royal family are a good thing. And Stevie, I know you just went, but you are on the side of four. So we want to hear your... This is a bit real, isn't it? And we're not allowed to put our own biases in this. This is based on the argument. No, no, no. So Alfie, you and I are judging. Okay. And I think it's going to be hard for Stevie because I think our actual thought process is we're not that arsed about the royal family, are we? At all, really? Or are you? No.

1:01:20Okay. If you'd have let me go, I'd have pleased all the listeners. Yeah, true. It's an uphill battle. So Stevie, why are the royal family a good thing? The royal family are a good thing. They bring in tourism revenue. They give us national identity. they have diplomatic power they give us constitutional stability and they do loads of charity work and on top of all of that the royal family are relatable so as their royal servants we can all connect to them in a genuine way Robbie, they shop in similar shops to you like Harrods and Waitrose Jack, they all have that posh jaw and big teeth that make you look like royalty that's so nasty personally, seeing a nonce in the royal family takes me back to my childhood and Alfie he's leaning on it maybe they don't cater to you quite so much they tried they let one in he took our prince let me work for him my point my point is that the royal family bring the British together hundreds of thousands gather to celebrate royal weddings or to mourn royal deaths and why?

1:02:30they give us bank holidays without the royal family we wouldn't have an excuse to drink on a Sunday. Sorry, my mind is so on what you said before that I can't. They let one in. They did. They did. Remember what I asked you before we started recording? Yeah. That was why I needed to see if it linked or not. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. Cool. You asked him if he's mixed race. No hello or anything. Yeah. Fuck off. Shout out the car window. You mixed race, bro. Where was I? Oh no. Oh, they give us bank holidays. Without the royal family, we wouldn't have an excuse to drink on a Sunday. As well as drinking, what else do the British love?

1:03:16Gambling. That's right. Every time one of these royal women gets a baby in that belly, we can chuck a tenner on the little baby Prince Henry IX being born. What else do we love? Christmas. And nothing says Christmas quite like the King's speech. Christmas Day revolves around the speech, and you know everyone will gather together to watch the king show us how he really is just one of us. Now, if you could all just place your hand on your heart and join me for the national anthem. Not necessary. I'll do it. God save our gracious king. Long live our noble king. I don't know. God save the king. I just think it's a little bit...

1:03:57Send him victorious. victorious, happy and glorious long to reign over us, God save the king It's a little bit Why did I have to do that? I thought Alfred would join in as well Well you just offended him with his I'm not offended, with my what? With his little digs and that that you kept doing He said they'd let him work for him Okay We'll leave it there. May I rebut? The royal family are a good thing, Robbie. No. Okay, I will now speak. The UK spends£86 million on the royal family every year. £86 million. Imagine what that money could be used for. If we got rid of the royal family, there'd be enough money to buy every child in the country a month's subscription to jackandstevie.com.

1:04:57There would even be some left over which could be spent on the new Robbie Knox merch drop at RobbieKnox.com with two different T-shirt designs, an iron-on patch and even a medal. Instead, we spend it on the royal family who waste it on pointless shit. If you gave me£86 million, I'd spend it on cool stuff like jet skis and lasers. What do they spend their money on? Corgis. Just loads of corgis. Corgis are not even a very good dog. Nobody's into corgis in normal life. do you ever see corgis when you're out in Norwich? I don't know because I don't really know what they look like, but probably not.

1:05:32They don't even go to good places with their money. If I was a royal, I'd eat amazing food at cool, awesome restaurants all over the world, but Prince Andrew just went to Pizza Express in Woking. I don't know much about him, but I imagine that's probably the worst thing he's ever done. Also, what sports are they into? King Charles' eldest niece, Zara Phillips, won an Olympic medal for Great Britain in what sport? The one where horses just walk sideways. Probably the worst sport of all. I went to watch it at the Olympics and it was shit. Get rid. Did you actually go and watch it? Yeah, it was shit.

1:06:06Wow, okay. Now I like it. Wow. Two, no matter what we think, two good arguments put forward. I imagine a lot of your arguments would be put forward by someone who did love the royal family. Yeah. You knew he was going to come at you with the revenue you earned, so you had a rebuttal for that. What was your rebuttal for the revenue earned? I did get to rebuttal. I had to go first. Well, they actually... He buttled. That's revenue spent. The tourism for the royal family earns way more money than that. What, more than 86 million? Easy. Does it? Yeah. Is that the building? That's like our biggest revenue earner in the UK is the royal family.

1:06:41Is it? Yeah. Buildings, though? That's all anyone comes over for. Is it buildings, though? Yeah. Is it the buildings? Yeah. No one's coming to look at the royal family. They're coming to look at... Look at the weddings. Look at the deaths. Yeah. Funerals I should have said The death itself Didn't earn any money Did you see the queen's death? Right This is really difficult I don't know what the fuck Singing the anthem was about At the end That felt like you were Trying to brainwash us Yeah Into a green movie And I got I got watched quick Mate You were a sheep Yeah you were in You sounded nice A great voice I almost expected to be Doing it on my own Like when I first wrote it Into the argument I couldn't let you Stand there on your own I would have done it Yeah, I know you would have done it.

1:07:24I didn't want to let you. I can see how Hitler got into power by seeing you there. He just went straight away for the propaganda, didn't you? Straight in. Straight in. Thank you for being a partner. That's all right. It's all right. I'm not going to vote for you, though. I got that. I'm going to vote for Robbie, because I don't think you tried any little dirty tactics. I thought you were going to say, because I don't think you've won any so far. I think you came with some stats as well. That was nice. Stats. We like stats. You should have come in with how much they bring in and stuff like that.

1:07:48A little bit more detail. A little bit racist in the middle. Oh yeah, I forgot about that I've gone right wing in both my arguments It's coming out, isn't it? It's good to know it's coming from the heart So there you go, Robbie, you have won that Okay, the penultimate argument is Influencing is a proper job And I've got the for argument on this Alpha, you've got the against That's not mine That's not mine Yeah, it says on there I've got alpha influences are good for young men No, we got rid of that one We changed that. This is my best one. We've changed that. We've not even got that as an argument.

1:08:26No, because you put in the chat and then... Read the chat. Read the chat. And then Robbie said, don't mention a certain person. Read the chat. And then... So we went, yeah, we'll swap it out then. I'll be fuming because this is my best one. Well, read the chat, mate. What does it say? Influencer is a proper job. Yeah. So what do we do now then? Well, I'll just read mine. What? Two completely different arguments. All right. I'll just, I'll just do it then. You're going to wing it. You do your, what was I for or against? You're against. So you get to go after him. So you could just go against all of his points.

1:09:01Use your phone as he's saying it. You might be able to write down some little bullet points. so he's not going to listen to my argument. No. Well, we're the listeners. We're the judges. I'll smash you up. Raw dog it. I'll smash you up. This is either going to be, this is either going to be the greatest happy hour moment ever or the worst. Yeah. Mate, I'm so stressed for you. Or just a bit meh. Probably that. I'm stressed for you. Right, this is my argument for influencing is a proper job. If influencing isn't a proper job, then why am I fucking minted? No, it's not the answer. A proper job. I think Alfie wins.

1:09:35What do we mean by a proper job? Does a proper job have to be a hard job? If so, then influencing probably isn't a proper job. But it doesn't mean that. A proper job means a legitimate, recognised profession that utilises skills. Are you telling me that Mr Beast isn't skilled in grabbing people's attention? Are you telling me that Jake Paul isn't skilled in grabbing the limelight in any moment? Are you telling me that Sam Pepper isn't skilled in grabbing women? They all have skills. It's argued that influencers just sit around in the same chair all day, barely moving a muscle, just waiting for something to happen that they can react to.

1:10:11The only time they ever do something is if someone is drowning. Oh, sorry, that's not influencers. That's lifeguards. lifeguards who do a proper job influencers don't just influence some write some act some film some sell some promote some inspire some use their coat to sleep with underage girls some edit it's not just influencing it's an array of skills if somebody said that you can work from home would you say no no yes if somebody said what was i meant to say if somebody said that you can work your own hours would you say no i do if somebody offered you free travel around the world would you say no who would say no if somebody offered you life-changing money to promote brands not influencers influencers don't say no influencers don't even understand the meaning of the word no to some influencers no doesn't mean no a little bit now a sale person who calls old age pensioners trying to sell double glazing.

1:11:15Nobody says that that isn't a real job. A parking enforcement officer stood in a car park in the middle of the countryside that nobody uses. Nobody says that isn't a proper job. An elevator button pusher in a fancy hotel. Someone who hands out leaflets to an already popular pizza place. A train ticket barrier operator when the barriers are already open. All of these could be classed as a proper job, but they aren't. Influencing isn't a proper job. It's a hundred proper jobs packaged into one. And if you believe otherwise and the public think that what I do isn't a proper job, then can you all please tell HMRC because the tax man seems to think it is and I'd quite like all my fucking money back.

1:11:56We're a bit right-wing like Stevie's ones at the end. Did go. Yeah, and then you said those jobs aren't proper jobs. I feel a bit bad for them now. Well, I'm backing myself, mate. But weirdly, Alfie, you've still got a chance. Thank you. Yeah. So you're saying influencers are not, it's not a real job completely off the cuff why have you set yourself up for this well I didn't I just fucked up and made a massive mistake are you just going to do the one about alpha would that one work as a good retort that would not well we can have that for another rep so it doesn't go to waste being an influencer what more am I doing is no your is he's just trying to make you argue his case so he can win.

1:12:42I've got points for that. That's sneaky. Sneaky. You. Right. Everybody just. Okay. I want you to just relax. I feel there's tension in the room because obviously I haven't planned anything. Just relax. I've got this. The tension's coming from you. I know. And I am going to just radiate some coolness now. Take a deep breath. We all good, yeah? Yeah. I think it's better when you're stressed on edge because then you crumble and I'd like to see that happen. Well, give it 10 seconds. Okay. Influencing is not a proper job, Alfie Influencing It's not a proper job And let me tell you You and you Why I'm not buying time I am not This is why What I'm about to say Is Gonna blow your mind And it's going to make you think Oh my god, he's got this in the bag and when i say this i want you to let it seep in all right yeah let it sink in digest it because it's going to change your lives it's not a proper job guys let me tell you why

1:14:02the word proper to me it means two things it means it's it's challenging in some aspects and it's it's got stakes on it right it's got fucking stakes on it and i don't mean the kind you eat i mean the kind where there is a something bad could happen brain surgeon what happens if you fuck up you make someone fucking mentally dead well well said well said what happens if an influencer of fucks up. Oh no, there's a mistake in my video, mate. Doesn't bloody affect anybody, does it? Does it? Probably not. Exactly, thank you. Logan Paul fucked up, it affected the whole country. Let me comment on that for a second.

1:14:47Good point. I think he's addressing the sentences. You've said something and now I will react. That, listen, we take that and we go, that's an outlier there. That's mental. Alright? That has not really happened before or since. So let's just park that over here and focus on the majority. And I'll tell you this as well. Let me tell you. The repetition is so good. Just tell us. What are you actually contributing here? What time did you get up this morning? 10. Right. That's mental. A proper job, you're doing nine till five and you're contributing to society. You're delivering post. You're working in the NHS.

1:15:33What about people who work night shifts, Alfie? You work... Oh, they're working hard, mate. Yeah, so it doesn't matter what time you wake up then, does it? Yeah, but again, let's park that. We're not... Okay, let's talk about night shifts. Thank you. Let me tell you. Stacking shelves at night. I used to work with a bloke who worked in B &Q night shifts. That guy would bloody wake up at 5pm, go to work. He didn't have a relationship. He was contributing to society. He didn't get to see his daughter. Because she was at school, guess what, when he had to bloody sleep, because he had to make a living.

1:16:11Being an influencer, you're overpaid. You're not contributing to society. All you're doing is putting a smile on somebody's face, and sometimes you're not even doing that. I think that's contributing to society. And sometimes you're not even doing that. Is acting a proper job? And you know what? These influencers and these actors and these footballers, they need to hold their hands up and go, you know what? Look, I work hard at what I do. It's not a bloody proper job, all right? You mentioned lifeguards risking their lives. You're going to put yourself on par with that? They don't fucking... Doing your bloody 888 World Series.

1:16:43They don't risk their lives. Lifeguards. I'm thinking of the other one that goes... I'm thinking of the ones that go... The RNNI. The RNN bloody eye. I'm talking about the ones who just sit on the fucking chair all day in Nuffield watching. When I did my teaching job, we had to do some resuscitation thing. There was a guy there who used to be a lifeguard, saved a kid's life. Well, that one's fine, but the majority of them never have to do anything. But it's the stakes. We're back to those bloody stakes, aren't we, boy? Those stakes! Firefighter. How has this been the longest lifeguard? Firefighter's going to sit there on their arse until there's a fire.

1:17:20But we bloody need them when there's a fire, don't they? And that's what they get paid to do. They're contributing. Influencers give you entertainment. When you sit there on your phone, who else are you going to watch? But I'm saying it's not a necessity. Also firefighters do loads of other stuff like helping stall. My dad was a firefighter and I'll pass that on. Respect. You'll tell him what he did. I'll pass on. Robbie told me what his job was and I learned a thing or two about my father today, so thank you. You're welcome. Thank you for his service. Is that the end of your argument? No. It's still going.

1:17:52Could it be? Let me think for a second, because I feel like I've lost this, but I can call it back, and I will, with this last point. And it's going to go... Oh, it's just going to... Oh, my God. Would you... No, it's over.

1:18:12What? Good effort, good effort. What was you going to say? I was going to say, would you die if influencers didn't exist? But then I thought, well, parking, whatever, like those people. and parking attendants and that you wouldn't die if they didn't, would you? It's sometimes a proper job. That's what I'll say. You can't say it's not always a proper job. You can't say always. Sometimes. Well, you've just helped Jack. Well, you did all right for someone who was improv in it. We'll save your alpha one for the next episode. It's good. Yeah. Yeah. So do we... Yeah, we'll Jack one. Yeah, Jack one. Right, we've got time for one more.

1:18:47Well, last one. One more. I've got one more. And Jack, I believe it's me versus you. Yeah. Which is stupid people are happier than smart people. Yep. Yeah, and I think, Stevie, you're going to be arguing for the fact that stupid people are indeed happier than smart people. So take it away. Okay, so Jack, before I start, if you could just look straight at that camera there. Ooh, I wonder where this is going. Just look right in front of that and just give it a nice smile and I'll start my argument. Just keep smiling. Stupid people are happier than smart people. Look at me. Now look at Jack. Back to me.

1:19:22Now look at Jack. Really, really focus on Jack now. Look at the way that there's absolutely nothing going on behind his eyes. You can almost see the monkey riding a unicycle smashing symbols together through that vacant stare. But my word is that a happy man. He doesn't worry himself with the intricacies of life. He doesn't care if trains can reverse. That's dying. He doesn't worry himself with the intricacies of life. If he doesn't care if trains can reverse or if a planet rotates in retrograde, knowing the Earth is rapid is enough for him. He doesn't even need to know what pesto is. He might even think goldfish drive army tanks.

1:20:03But he is happy. Do you think he lies awake at night wondering if we're living in a simulation? No. He sleeps like a baby because he's just happy he can fuck his mattress. Should I do that? I ended up in years, mate. How many years? Ten. didn't want you at 22 shit I thought I was 12 do you know what I mean look how happy he is for being that thick 22's mental shit I'm fucking old as bull smart people are out here struggling but trying their best to solve the world's biggest problems Jack's biggest problem is that when he buys a triple sandwich in a meal deal he spends the next hour thinking about who's eating the other half of his third sandwich ignorance really is bliss and I know I've done it all about Jack so I'll just finish argument with a short list of smart people.

1:20:52Weirdly that you've mentioned. Albert Einstein. Stephen Hawking. What's this proven, sorry? Isaac Newton. That they're happy? Nikola Tesla. Oh, they're all dead. Leonardo da Vinci. Are they happy? No. No, they're dead. They're dead. Be smart. Be dead. They're not unhappy. Be dumb. Be happy. Thank you. It would have been alright if you didn't keep it in a rough time, which you're not meant to do. Me? No fear. Was I alright? You were fine. My head's gone after the last round, to be honest.

1:21:25Honestly, I'm happy if this proves your point, Stevie. I think I've spent collectively, accumulatively, one hour 45 writing bits for this argument and deleting it because I couldn't work out the opposite of stupid people are happier than smart people. I put in brackets, stupid people are not happier. and then I put in double brackets, smart people are less happy. So now I don't know where my head's at. Say that again. Is that the whole argument? So you're arguing that smart people are happier than stupid people. So I've gone... This is very one-son. If stupid people are happier, then why does Stevie White consider himself smart and yet is massively fucking depressed and has a shit life?

1:22:12That's on my side. No, but it's a good point nonetheless. But that's my argument. he's just said smart and unhappy where i've said dumb and happy so he's just agreeing well i don't get it so but look how unhappy he is about not getting it though oh you're a genius the argument you should have been doing hang on but that was genius and you're unhappy so i don't know what to do here because i preferred jack's argument but he was arguing for stevie's side so does jack win or stevie and then jack just said i just say can i just say as well i'm really clutching here but i also said what stevie white considers himself smart i didn't say he was smart so he's thick but obviously he considers himself smart and his life is massively shit so your point is people that consider themselves smart but that aren't actually thick and unhappy it's a terrible point it's a terrible that's made it much worse for you that is really terrible that's really that's really that's really turning me towards Stevie now there was a moment where Jack got so frustrated at being so dumb that he couldn't understand the question that he proved his own point because he was not happy and the dumbness was making him unhappy that was the point he needed to make but he couldn't no he did make it he did make it by smacking the table with his own stupidity yeah Kind of made the argument more than his words.

1:23:37Which is quite beautiful. Actually, look at him now. He doesn't get what we're just saying right now. No concept of what's happening. And you're not happy right now, are you? You're confused and annoyed. He's annoyed because he doesn't know what's happening. I think it's Jack. I think he's won. He's such a thick cunt, he's won. He's happy again. Fuck. This has been Jack Makes Happy Hour Podcast. Don't know what's gone on. You won, mate. Well done. Should we run through who one? Which one was what? Influencer is a proper job, according to Jack, which is absolutely perfect. Having kids is selfish in 2025.

1:24:20Also went to Jack, did it? I think so. We should probably kept note of this, shouldn't we? We don't need to go through it. It doesn't matter, does it? They can work it out. They care so much. You add it up. Rewind and add it up. Do you know who probably couldn't work it out? It's the Jackmates Happy Hour podcast with me, Jackmate, and the rest of the Foreskins. We'll see you on Monday, and we'll see you on Thursday for a guest step. That was fun. That was funny.

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