592 - NICK HELM - 3,000 House Chickens, Bipolar Diagnosis, & How He STOLE His Famous Joke!

25:17Yeah, right. Supermarket. Is it number two when he gets a chainsaw arm? Yeah. He gets that in the second one, but he reuses it in the third one. Yeah. You've never seen it? I fucking know what you're talking about, mate. Well, if you stop going on your computer and listen to what we were talking about, then you're like, shh, shh, shh, shh. So, yeah, so it's Evil Dead 3. It was Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2. Evil Dead was a straight horror. Are you going to be coughing? Evil Dead was a straight horror. Evil Dead 2 was a horror comedy, and Army of Darkness was kind of like a fantasy comedy. Not really horror, was it?

25:53But it was kind of like add horror elements to it. Because they kind of remade them recently, didn't they? But they're a bit... They did kind of like a parallel remake sequel where it kind of exists in the same world. And then they did Evil Dead Rise, which I thought was terrible. I'm not seeing it. Rubbish. Not going to see it then. No, but Bruce Campbell in the first three, yeah. you're a big film guy aren't you massive film guy not really yeah yeah I am making my life a hell I like it I'm giving you content you are isn't that the name of the gang do you want to know my favourite okay ask me what my favourite film is what's your favourite film I don't have one see I gave you a gift you did do you want to know my favourite my favourite my favourite films my list the listeners out here call me the most basic bitch ever.

26:47Are you a film guy? Not really. You're about to find out. I can't watch things if they couldn't happen in the real world. Yeah, isn't Michael Owen like that? Yeah, I'm probably a bit like Michael Owen. I've probably only ever seen about 30 films. He said he doesn't like films because they're all made up. Yeah. Well, the only films I can get away with that wouldn't actually be possible in the real world, the Harry Potter films, I like them. Do you not like the Harry Potter films? That's why you called me Dumbledore earlier, because your frame of reference is so shallow. You just compare. Oh, this is like a wand, this, isn't it?

27:26I didn't call you Dumbledore. I said your impression of your confuciary. No, I call myself Hagrid. Yeah, sure. My three favourite films? Yeah, go on. I really, really... As Caban. No, not Harry Potter Don't Make the Cut. Right, right, right. The new Joker, but not number two, the original one. Oh, yeah. God. Yeah, right, the second one. No, just... Yeah, I know. But you saw the second one, right? Yeah, I don't like it, did you? It was so depressing. Yeah. And it went on forever and ever. Yeah. And it was boring. Yeah. And all the songs, I'm not saying they were performed badly, but they just picked the worst.

28:00And it's just like every time something begins to just... The film stops dead with another song. Yeah, weird. It was just... Did you write the first one then? I did, but retroactively, this has made it unwatchable. Don't you think? Don't you think? Why would you bother watching that first one again when you know the character assassinated? Yeah. It's just like, you're kind of like, all right, well, that's that done now. And I liked it because I love Batman. Batman's my favourite superhero. I don't love the films that much, but I love the animated series. And what I like about all the different people that make all the different Batman films is that there's room for Adam West and there's room for Tim Burt and then Joel Schumacher and Chris Vaughan and Zack Snyder and they're all good but you can pick and choose what you have and with the Joker it was like they did they did something really different with it and and everyone was like it's a Martin Scorsese knock off but it's kind of like he was originally going to direct it at one point and then he ended up being the executive producer and then Robert De Niro was in it and it was like a taxi driver remake so it's like but I don't think that came from Martin Scorsese so it's really weird the way that happened but so that's that's one of them yeah and then there might have a suit I like the joke I like the original joke but it was like I can take or leave most things I've got this fella on my leg as well I haven't looked at this tattoo I've got this episode is brought to you by PayPal you know how a mom's bag has everything sunscreen snacks a stapler the new PayPal app is like that but for your money shop pay manage your account and earn rewards all in one place and with purchase protection on eligible items biometric security and pass keys you're protected at every step download the new paypal app to get started see paypal.com protection terms this message is brought to you by apple card with apple card you earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases like groceries merch or tickets to the game plus it can be used anywhere mastercard is accepted no matter your team no matter where you shop apple card is here to help you tackle game day apply in the wallet app on your iphone today subject to credit approval apple card is issued by goldman sachs bank usa salt lake city branch terms and more at applecard.com oh yeah right heath ledger well you know i'm not such a huge fan of the dark knight trilogy but um but heath ledger just is uh you know undeniably it's one of the I think it's one of the best performances in any film ever especially because it's been done several times before yeah and then to just come in and reinvent the whole absolutely and the pencil trick is just it's incredible yeah right okay so Joker the Joachim Phoenix Joker film Gone Girl Gone Girl yeah is there a judgement from you there?

30:54no it's a good watch isn't it? yeah it is good am I you can tell me am I basic bitch? no I don't think so I think God no I think well Joker is a little bit of a it's a bit of an edgelord movie isn't it okay and all these absolute losers start kind of like you know I was going to say getting tattoos but I don't but you did Heath Ledger it wasn't Working Phoenix no and then I'll go I'll go Reservoir Dogs yeah sure and I think that's Quentin Tarantino's best film ah there we go I prefer it to Pulp Fiction yeah I do and maybe my second favourite would be uh inglorious bastards oh yeah but that is uh that took me a few rewatches to get because when it was well the history am i okay is this boring no no the history of inglorious bastards was it was originally going to be it was like uh it was listed as kind of like arna schwarzenegger sylvester stallone eddie murphy adam sandler and it was going to be like uh quentin tarantino's expendables right it's like and the way they marketed it or the way they talked about it Before it came, it was kind of, it was going to be like the Dirty Dozen.

32:02And then when you finally see the film and they've got around with it, it's not Adam Sandro, it's Eli Roth. And Brad Pitt is Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester. And it's kind of like everything's been downscaled, even though Brad Pitt's probably my favourite actor. Right. But of all time. Just movies at the moment. All of their emotions, guys, he's the best one. Yeah. And he spent, you know, a bit like Johnny Depp, he spent his whole career going against his good looks. So even quite early, he did California, where he was playing a serial killer with a big beard and long hair and stuff. Right.

32:32And 12 Monkeys, he goes against type. So Thelma and Louise was one of his first films, and he was playing the good-looking guy. And then after that, he just went against type for most of his career. Pretty fit. And you just think, yeah, I mean, Fight Club, one of the best films. Seven, incredible. Anything he did with David Fincher, Gone Girl. Yeah. So that's all good. What were we talking about? I don't know, but I love you enough. Inglorious Bastards. Yes. So when it came out, you're expecting this Dirty Dozen kind of men on a mission movie. And it's not that. He doesn't give you that. That's kind of happening in the background.

33:06And then it's like a movie made of like seven scenes. Right. And each scene is like this, like the opening scene in the hut and then the scene when they're playing that party game in the beer cellar. Yeah, yeah. Every scene is like its own mini short film. Right. and you get drawn in and drawn in and drawn in. And by the end of it, it's this amazing experience. But if you go into it, you know, ruining the day that he didn't do his Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Dirty Dozens movie, and then the film isn't a Dirty Dozens movie. You kind of have to readjust your expectations. But then every time after that, it gets better and better and better.

33:46That's how you talk about movies? I don't know. He recently got a letterbox to count. But you can't really talk about films. No, I'm awful at it. I can't do reviews and stuff. I just go, I like that movie. Yeah, sure. They were good. Yeah, what do you think of Frismer Old Dogs? Eight out of ten. That's my limit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's fine too. But do you need a letterboxd account for that, is my question. No, but it's a good place to store what you've seen so that you get to the end of the year and you don't go blank and think, I've wasted a year. Right. No, I didn't. I watched eight films a day, every day.

34:21It wasn't a waste at all. and I've got a record of what I did and went. That's what I like. I like knowing when I went and saw things. I reckon in the last five years, I've watched four films. And one of them was Joker 2. Yeah, one of them was Joker 2, the other one was Joker. I just don't think I watched that many films. Oh my God, did you see Joker 2 at the cinema? Yeah. I saw it in a fairly empty cinema, maybe the first week it came out. Yeah. And every time a song came out, you could hear people go, oh, God. Yeah. And I fell asleep. I didn't fall asleep. I didn't fall asleep. I deliberately closed my eyes and rested my head during a song.

35:01And I think I maybe, I didn't pass out, but I had one of them kind of like I'm half awake. Lucid sort of, yeah. And I'm not getting into mental health stuff, but I got tired. I used to watch, I had to watch at least a film a day. Right. And then I started taking bipolar meds. and it turns out it was a mental illness. What, watching the film? Was watching the film a way to cope with the mental illness? I guess so, I was dealing with it. But I do love films, you know, but I don't need to watch a film a day anymore. Right, okay. I'm not sad about it. You don't have to look at me like I'm sad. How often would you say you watch a film now?

35:41How often would you say I watch a film now? Would you watch, like, yeah, how often would you watch films now if you used to watch them every day? Oh, well, I try and watch them. Nah, because, you know, like phones have ruined my concentration so I'm good at the cinema yeah and if I'm going to see a black and white or a foreign film I'll go to like BFI or Prince Charles and sit down and actually watch it without your phone yeah but at home I can't watch I can barely watch anything really yeah well because you were diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD right bipolar at the beginning I don't want to talk about this yeah I was happy to no no no we can get it but yeah at the beginning of last year it was bipolar yeah and then I went through the whole year.

36:20So I was, oh, God, it's heavy. I was having intrusive suicidal thoughts for about five years. Right. But on and off for my whole life. And then, but regularly for about five years. And then I got diagnosed with bipolar. And everyone said, you know, I got diagnosed with depression. I was on antidepressants. They didn't work. They made me worse in a lot of cases. And eventually I was on an NHS waiting list, and eventually I went private. I paid a guy to tell me what was wrong with me. It cost less than a big TV or a holiday. And he basically said that I had bipolar. I went on bipolar meds. All of my depression and suicidal thoughts went away.

37:02But within two weeks, I'd say, because I was about to go on tour. I got diagnosed three weeks before I went on tour, started the meds. And my last tour was called Super Fun Good Times. Yeah. And I thought it was going to be ironic, right? because i was like i couldn't do it and then three weeks before i started these meds and by the time the tour came uh i started feeling good again and by the end of the tour all of the audiences were incredible they built me back up by the end of the tour i felt the best i've ever felt my entire life uh i think i felt happy for the first time in my time you know i've experienced like oh what a lovely present i've had for my birthday right but i've never like experienced like just contentedness and happiness yeah but by the end of the year uh my brain was like a fog uh and i always say it's like i was living next to a motorway and every thought or idea i had was a car and it would be zipping past and you'd try and grab a thought or grab something and you couldn't and it'd go through your fingers and being self-employed yeah my career took a real hit because i was unable to sort of like um have the brain power to kind of like generate stuff myself i'd always have to have I mean I always do Edinburgh every year because that's a deadline you got August and if you don't get ready for that you look like an idiot right so I've always my whole life I've worked towards deadlines and when I look back on it on my life you know I didn't read a single book or do any revision during university and I got first right so I can turn up and I can just absolutely smash out of the park and even with stand-up I can go on and have five notes on my hand and do two hours of material of like like is that is that is that two hours in in your brain tomorrow are you making it up based on the topic like it'll be anecdotal maybe but i'm kind of like embellishing it and and that's how i write like i'll go on stage with maybe a story and then i'll just embellish it and i'll add bits on on the spot and then i'll remember that the next time i do it and then the routine will build like that but um but yes like so many things looking back like i was always terrible learning lines and I couldn't focus.

39:14I just always thought I was thick and lazy and all that stuff. So I've managed to get through this. I mean, I think that if it wasn't for all of these things that were wrong with me, I wouldn't be a comedian. Because this is literally, as soon as I did comedy, you know, I used to write plays that would take months and months to write and then you'd rehearse them and then I'd take them up to Edinburgh and there was so much work and you're organising other people and it's like so much work. And then when I did stand-up for the first time i was writing jokes on the bus on the way there and uh when i was on stage i was just saying stuff and i went from this point of like writing something and then taking a year to get it get it done to like it happening on the spot and then it felt like everything clicked there and i was like this is the job for me right and uh and it's kind of like we we we found each other you know yeah whereas if i'd had to you know i did office work and stuff like that and if i'd had to do that i just felt like completely trapped and so were you incorrectly diagnosed with depression then yeah i mean i was depressed and uh you know and they said well you've got depression and i was on sertraline which made me suicidal uh and i'd be in contact with the doctors and i'd say you know i'm feeling much worse in actual fact i'm feeling suicidal and they'd be like oh just give it two more weeks just and then just give it two more weeks just give it to so eventually i just came off that and then they put me on uh fluoxetine which uh just destroyed my sex drive right i was definitely i was thumbing it in you know right and uh then they put me on metazapine and uh and that that kind of like didn't make me feel one way or the other and then i eventually went and they said it's bipolar and the bipolar meds anyway worked straight away and then i was all foggy for the rest of the year and then by the end of the year i said right i was i'm good a lot has been fixed but it's still not right and i went back and he goes yeah you got adhd as well what does um adhd mean because i feel like a lot of people use the term adhd quite quite flippantly like oh i'm so adhd i don't book my holidays till the last minute or do you know what i mean so well there's a bit of that what what does it mean to what what actually is it then like for you what does it mean to you then um it's that you i don't think of uh anything unless it's an emergency so i can't do anything so there is a bit of that with booking tickets late right but then that does have obviously a financial impact where you can't pre-plan if i pre-plan anything if i pre-plan anything sorry i've had a wagamamas if i pre-plan anything then uh i feel like i'm getting nailed into a coffin and so i just have panic attacks and i get overwhelmed by it but as a stand-up comedian you're you're pre-writing all your material no i'm going on stage and i'm writing it on stage and then every day i go on stage it's like stop motion so i'll do i'll do like maybe uh 60 previews and i won't be able to think i had so like right so my set has evolved so i used to have so much to remember before i went on i'd have like five jokes three poems three songs uh some one liners and some anecdotes right and uh and then some audience stuff and i wouldn't be able to think about any of it before i just went on stage and i'd get there every day and why haven't you learned the songs nick and it was like a real problem and then uh so i just oversimplified it during the pandemic um when i was doing uncle on tv i was so relieved i didn't have to do stand-up right it was just like great i can do this but i had problem learning lines but when we did uncle my short-term memory kicked in and I could look at a page and it would take me a few takes, but then I'd nail it and then I'd screw that up and then I'd go on to the next scene.

42:56And I was in every scene and I was in every day from the beginning of the day to the end of the day for six weeks, seven weeks. And so sitting down on a Sunday and learning all your lines, learning your Friday lines on the Sunday before, was just impossible, so I'd have to do it scene by scene. and I got to a point where I was pretty good at it but then I did another project, Reluctant Landlord and then that didn't kick in and then it became a real problem and it's obviously really stressful because you've got like a crew there but I didn't have any other way of kind of doing it at that point and I didn't know that there was a problem.

43:34I just thought this is, I was lazy and stupid and I hadn't done it and all of that stuff. So your tour that you're on currently, No One Gets Out Alive,

43:46you haven't written anything for that. You go out your first night on the warm-ups and you just build it up that way. So my warm-ups have happened. Yeah, of course. I've been doing warm-ups for a year. Right, yeah. And so during the pandemic, I had to go back to doing stand-up. It was my primary source of income. Yeah. And I had to train myself not only to do stand-up again, but also to enjoy it. Because I was like, if this is my job, I've got to enjoy it. Yeah. and so I stripped out I'm not going to do all the songs I'm not going to do all the poems I'm not going to do all the one-liners I'm going to go up and what I want out of it is to get to a comedy club five minutes before I'm due on and for them to say my name they could even say my name when I'm walking through the front door and I could walk on stage and I could do my set right and I think I had a piece of material about Sainsbury's and a piece of material about Pepsi Max Cherry BMC my favourite and then I had a piece of material about probably the pandemic or something like that.

44:44And it would be like, Sainsbury's, PMC, Pando. And I'd go on and that would either be 10 minutes to half an hour, right, depending on what the set was. Right. And that was all I had to think about. That's all I had. And I made a living doing that for a bit until my brain got sorted. Yeah. And now I'm a lot better at sort of doing that, you know, pre-planning because of the, I mean I did two tours like that and now I'm kind of like this is the first tour I've done with like all of the pieces of the puzzle and all the right meds and everything like that so does this feel like to you your most complete work to date then this feels like my most complete work for a while but but there'll also be sort of like some uh uh not teething problems you know when a house sort of what is it when a house well the house sells yes there'll be some so like the first few weeks will kind of evolve and then it will become the show.

45:39But what you really want is that sweet spot between having the show but then also being able to throw stuff out in order to do stuff that's immediate in the room. Right. See, that would... I'm not a stand-up comedian by any means. We took this on tour, didn't we? And we had our bits... We had segments that we had to hit. And we stuck to it. So I would shit myself going up there not knowing exactly what to say in each moment. Do you not get nervous before you do it? I know you're obviously a Steam comic. You've been doing it for so many years. But it feels like you're going to war without an armour on.

46:16Does that make sense? Well, when you do the previews, they're fine because everyone knows it's a work in progress. And generally, when you're doing like an hour, they're there to see you. Right, yeah. So that doesn't worry me. Do you know what actually worries me? Is having a script where I've got to learn it and then I'll know exactly what it is. But in the back of my head, it's another barrier between your brain and your mouth, right? Because you're going, and then you're trying to remember a script or a monologue, stop coughing.

46:50And it's like an extra barrier, do you know what I mean? So what I find stressful is stuff to remember. I want as little to remember as possible. So I guess the previews, it isn't that I go up completely unarmed because I know what I'm going to say. I know what I'm going to talk about before I go on. I just don't punctuate it. And as lines come up during the previews, I make a note of what lines I want to keep using and everything like that. So it's not like you go up completely unarmed or anything like that, because you're arming yourself as you go. Yeah, of course. But you're collecting, it's like you're foraging for material.

47:32Right. And then eventually I've got a show. But everyone works differently. Yeah. You know, I see some people before they go on stage. I saw Susie Ruffell before she went on stage and she was making notes in this very thin kind of like what we used to call a dress box. But we don't have them anymore, do we? Because it's all on our phones. That's another reason why technology has destroyed mankind. and um and so she had this very thin kind of like a dress book thing and she had a pen and she wrote these things and you can see she's like making punctuation notes and she folds up puts her in her pocket and she goes on stage and i'm like going how is that like i can't in my all my imagination see that and and work out why that is useful right because i would never work like that yeah that's how she works and so everyone works very differently everyone's got completely different backgrounds and the thing that unites us is that uh we've all decided to give up our uh friends weddings to perform in front of 20 people above a pub and that's that and that's all of us do you know what i mean and uh and i think it it's really interesting because you generally don't know about people's backgrounds and and what they were like before they did comedy you know yeah i'm friends with romesh and um and he never talks about being a teacher you know what i mean it's so you don't know who these people are before before you meet them in a in a green room or something like that it's just and everyone works differently it's fascinating this is the way i work but but for years i was looking at the way other people worked and i was just like i've got to work like that that's how you be a comedian you do it like that but part of turning 44 and almost being 45 is you go this is me yeah and if it works for you it works And then you've got to just like lean into it and you go, right, okay, well I work spontaneously and I can get up on stage and I can do two hours off the top of my head.

49:28And it won't be like replicable and it won't be maybe a five-star show, but it would be a three and a half, four-star show sometimes, you know. But the other thing about, you know, getting a first of doing no revision is that you learn, you know, unhealthy attitudes where it's just like, oh, I can succeed without doing any work. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's a terrible trap to fall in. The show you're doing now then, if you're doing it more like you have an idea of what you're going to say, if people don't... So the tour starts Friday. Yeah. So I know what it is now. I've written it. So it's not like you're just doing it off the cuff still.

50:09It's just like that's your work in progress. There will be elements of that, like when you're in... I'm starting in Swindon. When I did Swindon last year, a fight broke out and then someone was sick. And while I was on stage, and it was happening in the audience over there, and you go, wow, but what a place to start a tour. Probably it's a nightmare, absolute nightmare. You're just thinking, oh, my God. If that happens, it's like, will the show actually be in my head? I've got six songs in this show and about four routines, and I know what the routines are, and I'm going over the songs at the moment, so I know what I'm doing on Friday.

50:46and uh so by the time it's there it's there right but when you're in swindon you'll talk about stuff in swindon yeah or i do a bit i do quite a bit of audience stuff and so that will always be different every day and maybe uh a thought will occur to you while you're on stage that improves a bit of material or that uh it gets triggered by someone in the audience that throws your brain off in another way or maybe you just go off on a huge tangent and you add accidentally 10 minutes to the runtime of your show. But having that ability, not like I'm unique, but having that ability means that every show is different and it keeps you interested.

51:22And the worst thing about a tour is when you get halfway through and you've got to go, oh, there's shit again. But the best part of the process for me is the work in progress part of it, where it could be anything at that point. Can I ask a bit about bipolar? I think I'm probably a bit ignorant towards it. So my mum and I, we have a very fractured relationship. We don't really speak, but she has bipolar. So I don't know as much about it as I perhaps should do. I don't know loads about it. Right. So my very basic understanding of it is that some days mentally you're very positive and up, and then some days are the complete opposite.

52:01Would that be fair or not? Yeah, that is, but I would probably exchange days for weeks, months, and years. Oh, really? So you have periods of mania. Yeah. And you're in it. Yeah. And you don't realise you're in it. Right. And that'll be stuff like four o 'clock in the morning spending 600 quid on Amazon, you know. Sorry, is the mania the positive? No, I don't think any of it's positive. I think the mania is how you destroy relationships and it's how you break friendships and, you know, you fuck up opportunities for yourself or you have good stuff and then you destroy it. Yeah. And I think looking back, I've done well beyond my fair share of all of that.

52:47Right. And then I think that the highs and the lows, the lows is like a deep crushing depression where you can't like function. Not just like I'm a bit sad and I'm going to have a duvet day. I did Sunday brunch and we were talking about mental health on Sunday brunch and Tim Lovejoy said, yeah, yeah, it's really good to hear, you know, for people if they're a bit sad. And you're kind of like, it's not sad. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's literally not being able to function, you know, not being able to watch. I mean, when I was really, really bad during the pandemic, I didn't watch for seven months.

53:24Right. And I, you know, and I put on, you know, I got up to 20 stone, which is the heaviest I've ever been. My whole life kind of fell apart. I literally couldn't look after myself. I couldn't look people in the eyes. And, yeah, it was terrible. If it wasn't for my friend Rebecca, she basically saved my life, you know. She came in and she never gave up on me. And she got me in contact with the right people. And it wasn't like, oh, go and see that doctor and sort it out for yourself. I was incapable of doing anything for myself, basically, like emails and pre-planning and all that stuff. and uh and she really got me through it it was incredible and um and if if i didn't have her i don't know if i'd be here you know wow um uh but then again i was having intrusive so i mean at the very worst i had a voice in my head that told me to kill myself every five seconds of every day for about a year and and i would say and it was uh it was it was a compulsion yeah i would say it out loud and if i was at home that was fine yeah if i was out yeah i would say i'm gonna and then i would stop myself it would literally i'd at home i'd say i'm gonna kill myself and then i would go i'm gonna kill myself and i'd say over and over and over again and then eventually i had to shake it out my head right and i had a neck like yours because i'd be shaking it out my head and i'd be you know and so i'd get it down to i'm gonna but i'd be in public or i'd be in a in a taxi or something like that.

55:03I'd be like, I'm going to... And it was an absolute mess. Did you ever do therapy? Yeah, I've done... Therapy helped a lot. I started doing therapy in about 2016 when I went through a breakup. 2015 when I went through a breakup. But my therapist was a comedy fan. So I got... I started getting the inkling that she was Googling me and trying to find out who I was talking about. so uh so i i uh i stopped seeing her and then i you know i think with therapy you kind of got a shop around for what fits yeah i had a really good therapist from about 2019 to onwards right and then um uh i think it's really important therapy is there for uh you feel like you kind of have to deliver the goods so you're like going well what's interesting this week that i can tell them yeah right especially as an entertainer you're just thinking i've got to make this interesting for him yeah uh but what was really good was because um you end up kind of alienating yourself from a lot of your friends sometimes because you're literally incapable of talking about anything other than how bad you feel yeah right and um and so what therapy is good for is it's a good place to park all of that in the week and then you go and dump that every every week in therapy and it helped me kind of rebuild some friendships but also um i've stopped seeing my therapist this year because the pills have made me feel uh really good and i want to it was really weird when i first started doing therapy um it was kind of like i'd run out of things to talk about right so then you start talking about your childhood and i talk about my dad and my dad's a brilliant dad i talk about my dad and i'd leave being really angry about it with my dad and when i saw him i'd be really fucked off with him i'd be like oh god you're a and they'd be like why is that it's because because i've been bitching about him every week for an hour because i've got nothing else to talk about yeah and um and i feel like i'm in a place where uh like when i got the bipolar diagnosis it's like i say it's a bit like looking for the remote control for your tv right what's wrong with me uh i don't know what's wrong with me and then you find it i don't want to keep looking now they're giving me the pills the pills work i'm not interested in the science I'm not interested in going over it and over it.

57:19I've been over it. I've spent years just in my head like a tumble dryer going round and round with these negative thoughts, being terrible about myself. Now I feel good about myself. I want to make my life count, right? And I want to kind of – I don't feel like I've lost 44 years of my life. I feel like I've gone through 44 years of my life and now I'm ready to have the life that I want and I deserve and I can create for myself. and these pills have given me the ability, the tools to have the ability of just living a wonderful, happy life. That's fucking incredible, mate. That's incredible that you got there and it's an honour to meet you today.

57:56It really is. You're an absolute legend. It should be. Can we talk a bit about, I want to know about your joke from 2011. I know we're from in the years back here. Oh! Yeah, the Edinburgh Fringe. You won best joke of the Fringe, right? Do you remember what your joke... Was it 2011, was it? Have I got that wrong? Yeah, no, it's 2011. Yeah, you're right. Do you remember your joke? Yeah. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place.

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59:10issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch. Terms and more at applecard.com. Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. Tell us. I needed a password. Eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven drawers.

59:41that's good no it seems like it is really good was it performed exactly like that uh no it was uh it was i needed a password eight characters long so i picked snow white and the seven dwarves you are welcome you know like that But do you see my mic technique? Yeah, that was good. Very good. Thank you very much. Very good.

1:00:06The thing about the Dave Best Joke is it's not a competition that you enter. Yeah. Right? So they come along and they watch all the shows. And then what they do is they pick a joke from your show, if it's good, and they put it in this long list and then someone votes on it. I don't know anything about it. I don't know if it's a public vote or what. You've won the award. You don't know. Well, no, because you don't enter it. And then one day, you're in the middle of the festival. I was nominated that year, so I had big stuff going on. Yeah. Right? And one day, someone just picks you up and says, oh, great, you've won Dave's Best Joke.

1:00:41And you're like, well, which joke? And they say, it was that joke. And you go, really? And then they give you a prize. What's a prize? A little trophy? Well, I think it was different every year. It was Dave when I did it, but it's not Dave anymore. but you get like a plastic trophy and a thousand pounds. But my dad wrote an email to me with that kind of joke in it. And then I edited the email and said, that's how you do it as a one-liner. And then I had like 60, 70 one-liners and I would go through them. Your dad wrote this to you? With me, yeah. So your dad writes your comedy with you? No. What have I misunderstood here?

1:01:23He wrote me an email with this silly joke in it. But he'd come up with this joke. With the concept, yeah. And then I edited it and I was like this. Right. And then I had 59 other one-liners, right, and that. And with every preview, I'd do them. And then the ones that never got a laugh, I'd get rid of. So I didn't even pick it, right? And then I only need five or six jokes for the show, right? So I'd get rid of swathes of jokes for each one. And that was the one that kept me. And I was just like, can't still be in the fucking line-up. can it? And then you do it. And then Dave say, that's the joke.

1:01:58And he's just like, well, my dad wrote that. But they didn't ask. I didn't, I didn't submit it. So my dad got the trophy and I got the thousand pounds, the 1K, I should say. But that's the callback. And I spent, I spent, I spent the money on a laptop and, and that was really useful at the time. But yeah, in fact, you don't enter it. I think it's just, I think it's bonkers. And people take it really seriously. You know, when I, when we won, I told him at the time, you know i said well my dad wrote it as an email and then i edited it and i sent it back and then that was it and then it made the show because of all this and then you get people when you win the when you win it and it's in all like the telegraph and all those you know when you win the awards you get people strangers like emailing you going i got one that was like um uh i don't believe you No, what was it?

1:02:47They said, I entered an egg and spoon race once and I cheated. Or I won an egg and spoon race once and I kept my thumb on the spoon. I wonder how you're feeling right about now. And you're like, I didn't enter. They didn't ask me permission. And if anything, I can't use that joke again because it's been in all of the newspapers. Yeah, right. You know, it's like it's been in the sun. It's been everywhere. and you go on stage and you do your joke, you wheel your joke out, you know, here's the freak show. And everyone's heard it and you're kind of like, right, well, I get£1 ,000, but I can't use that joke ever again.

1:03:28And then every time for, like, when was it? 2011. So for the next 14 years and for the rest of my life, it'll be like top of the things and then you talk about it on podcast. Yeah, well. Although it has been a while. I did Toby Terrence's show at the beginning of the year and he mentioned it, but apart from that, People don't care about it. Would you argue that it's better to not win it? I just think it doesn't fucking matter. I've got the trophy at home now. My dad didn't want it. He wanted that grand. He wasn't the grand. He was absolutely gutted. He had a holiday with his eye on it. But it was shaped like an elephant.

1:04:05I guess that's why I fight it. Another call back. I'm keeping the tabs. Don't worry, guys. I imagine there'll be a little tally at the front of the screen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, I mean, like, you just basically, I guess it matters to some people. And I'm really like, oh, yeah, great. It was a lovely, that was a really big year for me. I think it's cool because, like, all the comedians are up there. So it's kind of like a bit of a dick-swinging contest, and you've won it. Your dad's won it. You're going to be funnier than us on a pod right now. You're a fucking comedian. But when you go up to Edinburgh Fringe, you're rubbing shoulders with all the comedians.

1:04:43So to come away with that accolade, it's kind of like a, fuck yeah. Yeah, but I don't really enjoy that aspect of it. So honestly, I try not to. There's no other comedians that really like me. Right. So I'm my own thing. Okay. And I've always wanted to be my own little island. Yeah. And when I was doing, so the way you do it, the way you do stand up is you do five minutes. Yeah. And then you do 10 minutes. And then I did Russell Hill's Good News. And that made me a headliner, right? Right. But for a long time, you do 20 minutes in the middle and then you graduate to doing 20 minutes in the opening.

1:05:18So you start with your weakest in the middle or your least experienced in the middle, then your second most and then your headliner. And so Russell, I Was Good News, made me a headliner. But my show, my 20 minutes before that, was a variety show in one go. And it was like they'd have to put an interval after me because you couldn't follow me. so I'd start off with some one-oners I'd do a song, I'd do some material I'd do another song, do some more material have a breakdown on stage and so it was like it had its own narrative it was self-contained it didn't really matter what anyone else was doing around it and you know people write about it they said it was one of the best 20s in the country and I was really proud of it then I did it on Russell Hour's Good News and you kind of burn that material and it's like you've got to rethink Do you burn it in the same way that your jokes you see a lot of eyes.

1:06:12Plus allowed in another way because it was very, one of the, it's your whole set. Yeah, right. And it's online. Yeah. And if people are kind of like looking you up to come and see you, it's there. Yeah. Obviously, you know, I'd been going for about three or four years at that point. And so my turnover of material is a lot more. But having all those fiddly bits, you know, all those different elements was, you'd have to rewrite everything and write new stuff. So that was very difficult. but um in terms of competing i can't be bothered it's like you know i'm doing my own thing and that's fine and i'm going on my own tour and that's fine and i have my own fans and that's fine obviously i want to grow fans i want to build fans but it really it really doesn't help me personally and some people thrive off competition but i just feel like i'm not not competitive i am competitive and you do feel jealous of other people and you do feel like um envy and all that i hate that i hate that feeling oh we thrive off it yeah we look at the podcast charts we want to we want to fucking tear the other ones down i hate it i hate it rob beckett fucking prick yeah right yeah sure shit podcast sure what's his podcast parent in hell parent in hell yeah oh with josh we were often above that and then they come well we were often at the fucking top and then they fucking come.

1:07:36Yeah. Yeah, sure. You've come on the wrong show, basically. What? I should have been on their show. You've done that, haven't you? Have you done that? What, their parenting house? Oh, no, you wouldn't have. You could do your niece. You could talk about your niece. More downloads than this. Yeah, you wasted your time. Lauren's getting booked for that, mate. No, I'm good.

1:07:57Where were we? Competitiveness. It brings out the worst in me. So I try and be like, you know, I try and kind of like concentrate, keep my blinkers on, concentrate on my own lane. I was saying on another podcast the other day. What podcast? Moe Gilligan's. And it's got a huge listenership. And basically what my turn of phrase is, if you're looking over your fence, you're not concentrating on your own garden, right? Right. So if you're looking at what everyone else is doing. Yeah. Like I've got caught in cycles of competitiveness where, you know, for like two years you're chasing something that you don't even want because other people are doing it you know and um there was reason like this isn't quite the same but recently uh there were these saturday night live triads because they're doing a british version yeah yeah and all the comedians were going are you doing it are you doing it are you doing it and you know they say are you doing it nick and then there's a part of you that's going maybe i should be doing it but then there's another part of me that's going i'm 44 and i don't like saturday night live Do you know what I mean?

1:09:01Maybe this would be a perfect opportunity for a new comedian to do it. Right. And I've already got my career that I'm working on and happy with and I don't want to put myself through the hoops as a 44, 45-year-old that you would put yourself through as a younger comedian to get a job like Saturday Night Live. Right. I did live at The Electric at the time, which was meant to be like Saturday Night Live. Hated making that. So – Was that the one – was that the Russell Kane one? live at the electric did he host that or not yeah so yeah so so i've done that i've put myself through that but then you hear like the buzz and everyone's going for it and you're like well maybe i should do it too and then you actually take the put the brakes on you go i don't want it and so i think competitiveness can actually uh be like a really well a lot of the time it's a negative thing.

1:09:56If it brings the best out of you two, then that's great. Remember that. We're in a joke and we actually don't care, but he is the most competitive man. Yeah, but this isn't like sport and stuff. In the middle of a game, I'm competitive. Sure, sure, sure. Not like... I'm like that during the Oscars.

1:10:13Well, we want you to be a little... Can we hit you with the other winners of this Edinburgh joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. Before you go into it and tell him the winners, we should say, you know, you said your dad's kind of helped you with that one. Jack's got one that you could probably take as well because he thinks this would win. He keeps saying this would definitely win. Don't say it when there's a comedian in the room. I should also say that my dad did help me with that joke, right? But also my mum used to make all my costumes. That's cute. Is this wearing on this show? Yeah. So my mum used to make these costumes and then I'd be wearing this beautiful, I had this show called This Means War.

1:10:47Yeah. And she gave me epaulettes and I had a little kind of, what do you call it? It's got braiding on it. Okay. A little military... You'll have a look. 1800s kind of outfit. Crimean war type thing. Yeah. And trousers with red strips on them. And my mum made this little costume for me. Oh, yeah, I can see it. And she makes these little outfits for me so I can scream cunt into strangers' faces. So it's a family business, do you know what I mean? Yeah, nice. Well, why don't you tell Nick your one? You've got a nice little one-liner. I don't think it's a good joke. You go on about it all the time.

1:11:22No pressure. My jokes are deliberately meant to be like medium jokes with maximum celebration afterwards. Oh, I'm going medium jokes, zero celebration. People look at you like, that's not a very good joke, and you go, that is the joke. Yeah, right. Okay, this actually might be all right then. So any time I've done a shit joke is because of that. I used to be addicted to cash, but now I'm having ATM withdrawals. That's great. That's great. Is it? Yeah. I mean, you could, if you had another nine of them, if you had another nine of them, you can fill up like maybe five minutes. That's great. Okay.

1:11:54Have you got any others? You got the thingy one, Mr Bean? Oh, that is shit, Nick. I'll be honest. What, a Mr Bean joke? Why did Rowan Atkinson lose the breakfast, the English breakfast eating competition? Because he missed a bean. Smart comedy brain. Do you know what? That's more like a cracker joke. No, no, no, right? Is that good? Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a thing isn't it it's a thing like if you wrote like 24 of them bought some shitty little plastic bits and stuck them in a cracker you know you could sell that right that's absolutely fine right

1:12:35Mr yeah Mr I wouldn't do like Mr Bean joke on stage like that right but don't die as they do the ratings you'd be alright set for life I wouldn't I'd lose the show it's his name minute where you put your name obviously yeah come on a bit of sharpie shall we go for a few of these others and then we can sort of uh yeah i don't think that they're bad and also if you had like enough of them you could at least go on stage and try them out yeah and if they get a laugh you put a tick next room okay you know and then you do them forever how do you cope with not getting the laugh though you don't put a tick you don't put a tick on it doesn't not kill you there was plenty of things I did when we took this on tour I didn't get a laugh and I still did it the next night yeah because it got a laugh once right yeah if it doesn't get a laugh three times in a row then it's out we started finding enjoyment and not getting a laugh so yeah it depends where you go like what I do is I sign stuff after every gig and I think like I keep saying X is her because it is every time it's the furthest to go and with the least amount of response, right?

1:13:46You go all the way down there and they just don't laugh. And you're like, right. And every time you go down there, they don't laugh. And you know the show's good because they love it everywhere else. And then you go to an extent and they don't laugh. So your instinct as a comedian is to be completely embarrassed and humiliated by it, jump in the car and drive off and never think about it ever again. But I sell merch after the shows and you can buy merch off me or you can just have a photo with me or I'll sign a flyer or a ticket. it doesn't matter you don't have to spend money and i'll meet everyone that wants to meet me and what you find out is that they were just not laughers do you know what i mean but they still enjoyed the show and so for me it's a real real valuable part of the show is going out and meeting them afterwards yeah because it means that you never leave anywhere feeling like you let them down that's exactly what we did on every single one and you feel great after i met people even the ones that they didn't laugh at yeah exactly yeah and what was your response on those fucking madness i think because we're kind of um sort of like in that youtube world as well a lot of people feel that we're more approachable than perhaps a comedian that's on a pedestal.

1:14:44So every night, pretty much probably 80 % of the audience would come and meet us. And we would vlog the whole thing for our YouTube channel. So people would know they might get on the vlog if they come back. So it's kind of that. But we went to Brighton and had a stinker down there. Well, Brighton's hard as well. Is it? Well, yeah, sometimes I've got better at it. Yeah. But, you know, my big thing is to be, well, I eat a bunch of cats. And in Manchester, they were like, yeah, we have cats. In Brighton they're like, well if you don't like us, why are you here? That's exactly it. That was exactly it.

1:15:14We had somebody complain to the venue before we even started our, before we even went out. Complain? Yeah. Before we went on stage? Before we went out? Our fault. We had, one of our jokes was our friend who we do a podcast with who's going to be here just after you, Alfie, he's a musician, right? And a semi-popular one. So our pre, what's it called?

1:15:39I've got a semi-thinker-bowl in. Semi-detached house, I should say. Full of chickens. Oh, yeah. Looks like you've got that. Even that's a callback. Did you see how angry I got just then? I was like, I missed that. You bought the very worst out of me on your happy hour. We had a playlist when they come into the theatre and the playlist was Michael Jackson, Rolf Harris. Gary Glitter. Gary Glitter. What connects them? R. Kelly. And our friend Alfie Indra was in the playlist. So people would listen and go, they're all, and then they'd hear Alfie and go, is he? Yeah. So that's the... That is very funny.

1:16:22Yeah, but the girl, the lady, she did New Lakers. Yeah, we had limits, so we didn't go too hard. We didn't go Lost Profits, for fuck's sake. Sure, yeah, sure. But do they all get the PRS for that? If you play Gary Glitter up and down the country Is he still making money off of it? That's a good point Your favourite film's Joker and I say nah isn't it? Gary Glitter Yeah I don't think Gary Glitter does get the PRS on his songs Is he still in prison? Yeah probs I think that there's a thing where the money doesn't go to him So there was People were angry about Joker What people I mean his songs were actually good though that's that's a true tragedy yeah sometimes you have to separate the art from the artist don't you uh certainly yeah i do that with shania twain what's she done wrong she's a bit shit isn't she oh it's not oh you like her with glitter right oh you like her but you don't like her music lovely person shit music Right, yeah.

1:17:28Right, let's finish on some of these. You were going to ask me a question. Oh, this is it. This is it. This is where we're going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's see if we rate them. But also, right, it's a very hard job, right, if you don't believe in yourself, right? Yeah. And so there are enough people that are going to say that you're shit. Yeah. So don't be the first. Right, okay, yeah. So if you've written these jokes, right, and you think, I'll try them, yeah, try them, right? Yeah. And then if the audience don't laugh, you're the one that takes them out of your set, right? Yeah. And if you like a joke, even though no one laughs at it, you're allowed to leave it in.

1:18:03Okay. It might have a huge impact on your career. Before Jack reads these ones, obviously when... Yeah, let's get some stuff out of the way before he reads them out. When these people win these, and it's printed in like the Telegraph and stuff, as you say, reading like a joke like this is never the same as hearing it delivered either. No, no, no. So how are you now going to read these to Nick so he feels the joke? I'll deliver it like I'm a stand-up comic. Is that what a stand-up comic does? Yeah. Okay. I'll have a bit of pizzazz. All the good ones. Rob Beckett, Josh Ridicombe. So this is last year's winner.

1:18:34I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship, but I bottled it. What? What year was that? Last year. Last year. Yeah, that's a good joke. Yeah, Mark Simmons, that is. Yeah, he's one of my best comedy friends. Yeah? It's a really good joke, that. But I've heard it. Yeah. Yeah. I think I've probably heard all of them. I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheater. That one doesn't make sense for me, Nick, I'll be honest. Who am I to judge? That was the year before last, right? And that was taken from a girl, a woman, that was doing a character at the time.

1:19:10Okay. And for some reason, they took this joke and they took it out of context, and she was doing this character, and I imagine in the room it was amazing, and I imagine in the show it was amazing, but because they took it out of context, they printed it, and I guess the people that judged it had seen it in the room. You know, it got a lot of backlash because people were like, oh, that doesn't make sense. But it was, you know, I'm not sure if it works as a one-liner or not really. But yeah, like I say, you don't enter a competition. They take it and then I think she got quite a lot of backlash for it.

1:19:43But good for her. Fucking well done. I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get past her. I mean, the thing is... The thing that's good about that joke is it works on both two levels. I think a one-liner has to work on two levels. It has to work on the fact that they couldn't get past her to get the spaghetti, but also I couldn't get past her means that they were trying to steal pasta, but they couldn't get past her. So it works on two levels, and that's the minimum you need for a joke to work. Right, okay. I was talking to my music producer yesterday, and we were saying that which one does Slade do?

1:20:24Merry Christmas, everybody? Yeah, I think so. And one of the lines in it is, you've been slayed, right? Right. And it works on three levels because it's about a sleigh and it's about you've been slayed and it's the band Slayed. Yeah, that's good. So it works on three levels. That's a very good joke. Yeah, okay. That one wouldn't work for me because I'd say past. It's past though because you're a posh cunt. What's wrong with that? Past her, past her. No, I wouldn't say past her. I say past her, but then I'd say I couldn't go past her. So I'd say I'm the wrong way round. That's on you then. Yeah, I'm fucked.

1:20:57Yeah. I really... That's overdoing it a bit. Yeah, I'm the problem. With that joke. And do you know what you could do if you're on stage? You could have a bit of fucking professionalism about yourself and deliver it properly. So I have to change my whole accent to make a joke work? No, just for that one fucking joke, mate. And it's not your whole accent, it's one word. And you could even go posh with it. I couldn't get past her. I couldn't get past that. Okay. Well, I couldn't get pasta. You know? I couldn't get pasta. Do you know what? You're overthinking it. I am. How do you say pasta? Pasta.

1:21:30Say that. Okay. Everyone else will understand it, even though you're having a working class crisis in your fucking head. I'm falling apart in here. I hate you. I'm so used to it. I really like this one. I thought the word cesarean began with the letter S, but when I looked in the dictionary, it was in the C section. Brilliant. That's very good. That's good. How many levels did that work on? C section. it was in the C2 now you're thinking like a comedian

1:22:00right we'll do one more let's do one more this is Adam Rowe working at the job centre has to be a tense job knowing that if you get fired you still have to come in the next day it's great it's alright isn't it decided to sell my hoover well it was just collecting dust yeah Whose is that? That was Tim Vine. Yeah. He's won it loads of times though, hasn't he? I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's hands free. But there we go. We're not the comedians. You are. Bloody going on tour. You're on tour now. Is this our wrap-up? This is our wrap-up. I'm on tour from the 12th of September.

1:22:40When does this podcast come out? Probably about the 14th. Probably about December. Yeah, right. Well, that tour was great. The 18th. this is going up next Thursday 18 so yeah my tour finishes on the 29th of November in Leicester Square and I'm going up and down the country and I'm going to Ireland as well for the first time since 2019 so I'm really looking forward to it I've got this on the 23rd of November I'm doing my hometown St Albans for the first time you've never done St Albans? I used to work in a pub in St Albans and I put on some comedy nights in 2006 or 2007 and I've never toured in St Albans because I've always been superstitious about it.

1:23:24We've booked this tour at the Auburn Arena. It's twice as big as the biggest venue on the rest of the tour. I went to see Harry Hill there last year, or maybe this year, who's on tour at the moment, and it's the best show I've ever seen him do. I like in your plug, you're just promoting Harry Hill. Well, I love him so much. and it might mean that he'll plug me which means that I'll get even more people to come and see me be nice to everyone you can cut a bit earlier Josh and Rob's podcast is my very favourite so they might plug me I got you this is gold so on the 23rd of November I'm doing St Albans and I'd like to at least sell the bottom section out Okay.

1:24:16How many seats is it? 850, which is fucking huge for me. So everyone just come to that one. Should we all just go to that one? Well, it's going to be a waste of time going to Exeter, even more than usual. Are you coming to Norwich? Are you coming to our end? Yes, am I? I'm doing Norwich a thing. I've done Norwich a lot this year. There's a guy called Alex that runs Anglia Comedy. Okay. He does loads of gigs around Norwich, and he is almost one of my favourite promoters to work for. and, yeah, he gets really good lineups, and it pays well, and it's brilliant. Everyone wins with Anglia comedy, but I will be doing Norwich, I'm sure.

1:24:54Beautiful. Where should we go now? Yeah, love it. Yeah, love it. Great, I'll give you a two for one. You can pay. I'll get the free one. Perfect. Thank you. Where can people get tickets, then? They can get it from nick-helm.co.uk, or they can follow me on Instagram, the Nick Helm, and I'll be, I don't know, directing you to nick-helm.co.uk from there.

1:25:20Oh, this has been a real pleasure. Thanks, Nick. Thank you very much for having me. No, thank you. This has been Jackmates Happy Hour Podcast with me, Jackmates, Stevie White, and the brilliant Nick Helm touring right now. Nick, we always finish with the same question. What's the meaning of life? Meaning of life is to work out who you are to cause the least amount of damage on other people, to always live with compassion. And if you're the biggest person in the room, you should look after the smallest person in the room. That's lovely. That is lovely. There we go. I'm trying to think of a callback so I can get one more tally, but I've got nothing.

1:25:53Chickens? Chickens. Fuck the fuck out of them. I'm done.

1:26:03Thank you, mate. That was brilliant. Thank you very much. I really enjoyed that. That was brilliant. That was great. Thanks, Nick. That was brilliant. So funny. Thanks for coming in. I'll probably come round the table as well. Look at the mess you've all made.

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