596 - TOM GARRATT - Life Before Pitch Side, Hair Transplants, & THAT Video…

29:05Shall I actually call my granddad? I'll ask my granddad who Lenny Henry is. We might have to edit out some bits.

29:14Right, let's ask him. You should just send him the wanking video. See if it's... Have you seen this? Have you seen this?

29:28hello hello grandad I'm just doing the podcast I've got a couple questions for you um I'm just doing the podcast got a couple questions for you yeah go on I'm in festival carry on do you know who Lenny Henry is pardon do you know who Lenny Henry is no it's February Lenny Henry Lenny Henry of course I know who Lenny Henry he's a black comedian you can just say comedian but fine and do you know who Tom Garrett is who Tom Garrett he doesn't I can't I can't quite hear your name Tom Garrett he does stuff on YouTube can you tell me what kind of videos he makes oh Tom your friend Tom Cambridge nope different man he does he did a video with his mate on holiday I can't remember I am yeah alright no worries alright that's enough thanks I'm a fridge alright yeah alright see you later while you're in a fridge I'm in a fridge I'm in a fridge so we have to put you below Lenny Henry sadly oh yeah I'm not I'm not egotistical enough to be bothered so what about Jason Bonham because he's a drummer for Led Zeppelin oh yeah below him then yeah but are people going to know his name though I think you underestimate like the average folk like but like if someone went up to a random person street and went who's the drummer for Led Zeppelin.

30:55Yeah, I get that you could Led Zeppelin are a massive band. You're the 30th, 33rd most famous Tom on famous birthdays. Really? In the world? And number one in soccer creators. No way. For soccer creators. Are there any other Tom? What other Toms are there? Oh, Tom's in soccer creators. Nah, nah. That's just not true. Like Chris MD, like, yeah, mate, this is weird. Look at this. that genuinely might be because of viral videos number one soccer number one just click on see who else is in the list did you know that psoriatic arthritis may progress over time and could cause permanent joint damage if left untreated

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32:40Donna Born in Roma Eau de Parfum is a feminine fragrance featuring juicy blackcurrant, central jasmine, woody cashmere, and warm vanilla. its masculine counterpart Womo born in Roma eau de toilette has notes of fresh violet leaf aromatic sage green vetiver spicy ginger and mineral salt shop at Macy's.com right so number two Broski FC I don't know any of these number three Oosie Tiki Taki in four where? there that's Tom Harriot who the fuck are these? I mean that's just because I'm guessing soccer creators as a very specific niche. Right. Rather than just YouTube. James Morley in 18th? Who's that?

33:23Don't know. Oh, James Morley's, I think I know him. Oh. I don't know who he is, but Chris MD would be top of that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm guessing it's, so what are you, so, oh, you were 33rd in Famous Tom yesterday. You had gone down 10 overnight. I fell off. Tom Holland, number one. Right, what are we doing? Let's go back to you in your life. Yeah. Dudley, if we, Stevie and I went to Dudley now, what should we do? We actually did a vlog on this for Backside where we took each other to each other's hometown. I took them to Dudley Zoo. Okay. Which is depressing. Is it a sizable zoo? We actually used to have a killer whale there back in like the 40s, 50s, yeah.

34:08And what else was there? It's got a big bit of water in it there. Oh, not anymore. It was obviously really, it was like the size, the thing it was in was like the size of the whale. It was obviously so cruel. So bleak. Yeah, there used to be... What else did we have there? I think there was polar bears there. But this is all like before the 70s and then it all got cancelled. And then I'm pretty sure a lion... That's pretty good. Then a lion escaped from there, I think in the 80s. What, just walking around Dudley? I think it was cutting about Dudley and it got shot. Fuck. I think. I don't really know the ins and outs of it, but now there's just like a few tired tigers and then penguins and a few monkeys that swing about, but it's pretty bleak.

34:45Good nightlife? In Dudley? Yeah. No, we tend to go, like, you'd go up Starbridge or, it depends where you're from, we'd go up Starbridge or go into Brum. Where's Starbridge? Starbridge is where I live. But where is it? So Starbridge is by, well, I don't know what you'd know. You know Hagley? Have you ever heard of Hagley? Nah. How's Owen? Huh? How's Owen? I think you said How's Owen,

35:14Starbridge had a few cup runs They got to the second and third round They beat Plymouth Are you saying Starbridge or Stourbridge? Stourbridge S-T-O-U-R Posh place No, Hagley's posh Starbridge is nice Dudley's a shithole Dudley Town Centre's like a shithole And Stourbridge has the nightclubs Starbridge has a few nightclubs, yeah But I mean I don't go out I just go to pubs yeah I don't go clubbing so I wouldn't even people just go up Brum so growing up in Dudley yeah what was the dream for Tom Garrett to be a footballer what position anywhere I didn't have to defend really lazy yeah centre mid then no out wide or in the ten or up front so how come you don't play in like these like YouTuber I have we did one last year the club versus pitch side and do you do well got one of the match scored a couple of goals pretty well then who's the best player you ever played against Rhys Brown.

36:12That's not the... He played... I don't know. Yeah. He come through... No, you're on about Rhys Oxford, I think. Where's that? Yeah, yeah. Rhys Brown come through at the same time as Damari Gray at Blues. Right. He just didn't care about football. Yeah. I think to this day, he doesn't tie his laces when he plays. Really? It's just, yeah, very... Does he play for a level next? I don't actually know where he's... He went to Huddersfield, then Peter, then Forest Green. I don't know where he's at now. So would you play against quite a lot of footballers that we'd know now then? Possibly, but I wouldn't remember them because I stopped being in academies after like 12.

36:46Right. I also played, I got to the finals of the Danone Nations Cup. This is actually quite a cool story. So this would have been just before I signed for Albion and then signed for Albion. So I did it two years running. Basically between the age of 10 and 12, it's called the Danone Nations Cup. It's the Kids' World Cup. Okay. So in England, they do trials in every city or whatever. like obviously tens of thousands of kids go and they pick 99 to go to London for two days I think the first year I did it was at Fulham's training ground then the second year I think was you know that Crystal Palace um athletics yeah I think they're yeah it's basically they pick 99 players and just split you into 11 teams of 11 not nine teams of 11 right yeah and whoever wins represents England weird what do you mean goes on to play those yeah like the first year it was in France I think the second year and did what your team won no we got to the final both years and lost oh fuck but all the coaches there were like Arsenal coaches which was a great experience yeah obviously first year me going I was just I just played like I didn't even play for a team I was just like at this coaching thing yeah it was actually my school coach who put me forward for it and I went down just like in like my Albion top or whatever everyone's there in like Man United tracksuits like thinking they're the big bollocks and I'm like a bit fucking daunting and it was like I'm pretty sure Sean Wright Phillips' son was there you hear rumours oh it's like so and so's son but no yeah I did well at that and then I was I was a really good player as a kid but then I think when I got to like 15, 16 I just didn't I didn't really develop physically that well right I lost a lot of pace and I couldn't get away with it where as before I was and the levels you step up then I started playing a lot of men's football at 16 and it's just a bit like it's mental it's hard and sorry to put in then I went to Tamworth when I was 16 who at the time National League like professional club and I was involved it was a youth team but then I was involved with the first team for a few training sessions and like travelled to the odd game and Lee Hendry was there oh yeah at the time I think he was 39 could barely move mate after training with him I was like I'm never going to make it to the Premier League that's what I was going to say the best footballer at our school was a guy called Ryan Kennedy and he was fucking levels above everyone else and he went for a Norwich trial and was laughed out.

39:08Yeah. So it's like the golfing quality. People really, really underestimate that Lee Hendry couldn't move and he's 10 steps ahead. And that's a bloke. We'd sit around going, Lee Hendry, shit, average. One England cap. Yeah. Fuck it. I couldn't get near him. And I'm like this young 16 year old. Like, fuck, fuck, fuck. I swear to God, I remember the ones I tried to, I went to press him. I didn't, if he did check his shoulders, I didn't see it and I stared at him the old way and I went to press him. I thought, even if I foul him, it's like, yeah, go on, get stuck in. And I just went to press. He just flicked it to one side, slowly turned the other, got the ball, sprayed it and I just went, oh, right, yeah.

39:45It's mad. I played in a, you know, Roman Kemp? Yeah. I played in a charity game that he put on for his friend that passed away and it's fucking mental, but I was in a midfield three with... This is going to be funny. With Jack Wilshere. Fucking hell. And Joe Cole. Oh my God. Oh my god. Cole Dean and Wilshere were you like the score wars? I come off after about 15 minutes. But the best player on the pitch that day is someone that people clown on, Jamie O 'Hara. Oh mate, O 'Hara could play. Mate, I could not believe it. Oh no, that doesn't surprise me at all. O 'Hara could play. See, that shocked me because I don't really watch football outside of West Ham in England, but I hear O 'Hara's name.

40:24You see the clips of him on that show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's on TalkSport and you think, but I remember saying to you he was the best by far on the day. Yeah, I think TalkSport probably has ruined his reputation. I don't know. I think he's really funny. I do. Him and Cundi are good together. I actually think the more now I do what I do, I appreciate them more because they're just having a laugh. It's not that serious. And people get so annoyed. I actually like TalkSport. No, I know. But it's hard to separate the host from being the players they were. Like Abong Lahore gets absolutely slagged off on there all the time, but he was pretty decent.

40:59Yeah. Also, they played Premier League football. Do you know how good you have to be to play in the Premier League? Yeah, that's it. So then obviously after that, I went to America. Oh no, I milled around in non-league for a couple of years, then went to America. But basically my whole thing was, I want to get the most out of football I can, knowing I'm not going to go top level. So how early did you know you wouldn't make it? 16. You knew? Literally then, yeah. So when did you go to America? Like 19, 20, I think I was, yeah. 19. Is it just because you know how football works, and you know if you've not made it by 16?

41:30Or did someone sit you down? No, no, I knew in my head. I was, I'm smarter than I look, but that was also half my detriment to becoming a professional. I could have become a professional footballer. So after I finished America, I had offers to go to like Denmark, Greece. So for example, the one in Greece, which was really serious, was like a second division Greek team were offering me, I think, it was equivalent to like 300 pound a week. but that doesn't include like food accommodation so I would have been literally skinned but could have gone I'm a professional footballer at 23 and at 23, 24 if I'm playing in the Greek second division I could have tried and really tried and then maybe at 28 I get a move to league one and it's like but then what do I do at 34 when I retire it's like yeah right and at the time I had a job offer a really good job offer which was offering me more money with more upside it was like I'm not deluded enough to think I'm going to make it to the Premier League or the Championship, which is like life-changing money.

42:31So I'd rather just go out on the piss and have a job and have a normal life. So what was the better job offer? What did you do? Dental sales, which I know you were happy to hear about, but I can't sort your teeth out. How did you get into dental sales? It's like a family friend business. My mum's best friend's sister ran the business. she used to be a dental nurse and then she moved into basically refurbing and fitting dental practices and surgeries. So I'd just do the selling side. Say this was a dental surgery. Everything in there, we'd sell. The floor, the building, everything. So you don't know loads about teeth?

43:12No. You know loads about surgeries? I have to know a bit because I'd go in and be like, well, your chair's in the wrong position. That's why you're having back issues and this and that. Little things like that. I'd need to know about the hand pieces and what they do kind of thing to sell them. But the dentists don't know what they do either. You ain't going door to door, are you? Not really, because we were all like word of mouth. Because imagine how lucky you'd have to be to knock on a door and go, do you want a dental surgery? No. Are you looking for one? Yeah, no, it's, no, it was, that's very, yeah.

43:42It's, we didn't even advertise. It's, but it was basically people know us or knew of us reputation. But then what we started doing is, because we did our own cabinets in-house for the dental practices, the dentist would be like, oh, they're really good. Can you do my kitchen? We'd be like, yeah, right. Then I started selling kitchens as well. How long did you do that for? Since, so when I was in America, I'd come home at summer and winter and labour for them, just on site, just digging or whatever. Right. For cashing and to go back out with and get pissed. Yeah. And then when I'd finished, Jackie, the boss was like, I think you'd be good on the sales.

44:20Come and enjoy. So that was 2018, 19, 20. So you were still doing this when you started doing the TikToks? Yeah, I only quit my job like 18 months ago. Oh, did you? Yeah. I'm more switched on than I think people think. I was like, this could last a week. Yeah, right. I'm quitting my job, I'm going straight. But it got to the point where it was becoming a detriment to them and me. I was missing out on jobs. And then also I was half-arsed because I'm missing out on jobs that pay way more than, I mean, you know what? you can earn in this space. It's like, and even then, my boss was great. She'd give me so much more extra time off than I should have.

44:57Right. Because she'd be like, you can earn a grand going to do this fucking shoot, whatever. You obviously go and do it. But I loved it and that's why I have no, I'm not clinging on to like this life. I love it and I'm so grateful for what I have and I think I'm completely overpaid for what I do. Right. I don't deny that. Yeah. I feel so lucky and blessed but if it all comes crashing down, and I'm good. Right. I'm just going back to do my job that I enjoyed anyway. Now that's a good way to look at it. This was never my, I never planned this. See this, so this was a question I was going to ask you later on and one of the big things I wanted to ask you because why I've always admired you from afar and I've said this to you, to Stevie Amphi, is the way that you handle criticism online.

45:38Yeah. I think it's brilliant, right? Because you're kind of like bulletproof. Yeah. When the wanking video came out, I was crazy at the way you would handle that. So is that, my question was going to be how do you, handle it so well but i guess you've answered because if you met if you met my dad or my mates then you'd have to be bulletproof to be in our group right what what were your dad and your mate saying when that video came out uh my mom but my mom was so in but like i remember because um i mean i'm only nearly 30 so my mom still does my washing and ironing uh so i go i pay her i do and it's a good excuse to go around and see whatever but she's got sky no no no she's making oh Tom's coming to see me you're just getting holding your washing that sounds so bad but it's right and I still get things delivered there because it makes me go around I don't want to not see my mum I did the exact same do you know what I mean that's what it is it's not I'm not that sounded bad but anyway my dad just like he doesn't give a fuck he's like me he just thought yeah whatever he knows what goes on on fucking lads holidays my mate some of them like my best mate Will who I live with literally said to me mate if that was me I'd kill myself and I went yeah but Will you wouldn't do that this is what you wouldn't wake your mate off Will this is what people don't get like people think there was like this big master plan of how to deal with it there wasn't that is just I am the type of bloke to go on a lads holiday get fucked out my head and think it's funny to wank my mate off so I'm also the type of bloke to not care what you think about that or laugh it off yeah right I don't care what you think about me if you think I'm gay okay yeah yeah really care like cool there was like 10 of us in the room people in the room are going what the fuck is going on in here but I think that's hilarious and I'm going look at this fucking nice yeah so but then the the funny the actual funniest part of it is not what the first thing my mom I went around to dropped my washing off and i think she was avoiding me because my mom's very like um what's the word not prudish but what's homophobic no yeah yes she she hates stuff like that like she would never talk to me about sex or anything like that or yeah anyway and she left a note for me being like um oh you wash uh yeah hangers are here blah blah blah uh embarrassing video a with the Christian heart.

48:07I was like, oh my God, she's brought it up in note form. I've ironed your latex levers. The better one is the victim in the video. Not the victim. Don't say victim. Sorry. It was consensual. The participator in the video rang me this Sunday being like, oh my fuck. And he's like, all the local team because people know he's my mate. And like, I've never considered him. Yeah. apparently he was just getting like loads of abuse from like rival football teams in his area and stuff like giving him shit he must get at every game if he played that I think he sort of died off a bit now but what's hilarious is he went to work the next day shitting himself because all his workmates know they're like my mate he's my mate and he walked into work he rang me the Monday night and said to me yeah I walked into work and I was like fucking hell here we go and they were like you seen that video about you seen that Tom Garrett video and he was like yeah yeah and they were like that guy's cock is so small isn't he and he's like Yes.

49:05It's so small. They didn't realise it was him. And he looks exactly, I mean, I might be baiting it. Yeah, I was going to say they might realise now. So where were you when you found out it was coming out? I was at home watching Master of the Day on my sofa. Were you not asked then? I mean, I preferred it was not to come out. What was your first, like, initial, you see that and go, oh. It wasn't that bad. Like, I just thought, fuck it. I just thought, here we go. Like, I didn't think it would get as big as it did. I like that some of the criticism was over your technique rather than the fact that you're doing it.

49:38Yeah, because I wasn't actually trying to make him come, was I? It was like... This is what people don't get. I'm pretty sure that I actually don't really... It's like, this is like when we were 21. So it's like eight years ago. It was... So I don't really remember. I think the guy who come in, basically was on whatever and said, look how small my cock is. And I was like, I bet you I can get that hard. It's a joke. Like, I think that was the basis of it. and we were just laughing. He's like, no, you can't. So I was just, that was it. And I was like, if I was actually trying to get with him, I would have done a better job.

50:14So what did you, did you speak to your mum about it then? Not directly. We're not like, I don't know. I'm not an embarrassed person. I don't get embarrassed easily. It's not something, I can't remember. I was still working when it came out. I tried to go into work. And I still have it now and I'll just join him in it. It's like, it is what it is. Have you ever had a hate comment get to you or not? No, only when, no, not. I mean, even if I did, I wouldn't admit to it because then people would, yeah, yeah, true. The only thing I ever do is I keep my mom and sister out of anything I do ever. Yeah, right.

50:50That is one thing I think would, oh no, the only time it ever got to me, I did a tweet about Ronaldo. Like it wasn't even that bad. Some guy quote tweeted it, releasing my family's names and my parents' address. That's so weird. Basically doxing them. And I was like, bearing in mind, me, she released obviously my, my, my mom and dad's name, my sister's name and where my mom and dad live. Me and my sister don't even live there. And I messaged him being like, bro, all you're doing is releasing my mom and dad's address. Like what have they done to you? Like, first of all, it's weird that you hate me that much over football and football opinion.

51:23Yeah. Secondly, if you want to like get me release where I live, why are you releasing like my parents? Um, but yeah, I, then I spoke to some, Theo got me into it someone at Twitter and got his account banned or whatever but he was like some guy from Nigeria it's like that's fucking mad that's mad isn't it and I just think things like that I'm just like that's so like sad I had a Millwall fan leak my old address before and said that I'd better be in on Monday because he was going to pet up on my house and it was the right address as well I was fucking kidding it that's fucked and I went to obviously I went to the police and was like what the fuck do I do here because normally I'd leave it yeah yeah it is actually my address I went down and the guy was like, the police said we can't do anything until he does something.

52:07I'll just sit here and wait until the plane's gone then. Yeah, that's exactly what the... The guy at Twitter said to ring the police, but then when we found out he was a guy from Nigeria, he was like, well, we'll have to get Interpol involved. And then Interpol will just go, we're not fucking bothering with that, mate. We've got terrorists to catch. Which I get. And then I had to like ring my mom and dad just to let them know. My dad was like, tell them to come. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. then my mum my mum was a bit worried so I got I bought them a ring doorbell just to be like I don't know why they didn't have one you shouldn't have to do stuff like that it's mad but I get why it's sad the thing is Jack the reason it doesn't bother me is you can say what you want to me but I actually feel sorry for you because if you see a video you don't like what do you do?

52:49nothing scroll back in the day I'd have made a 10 part series that's a bit different but like you have friends a family a job like a nice life the people who are doing this hate their like hate their lives hate themselves they're doing it because they're probably in their bedroom 24 hours a day with no friends no out and their only way of satisfaction is to try and hurt someone or get a reaction out of Tom Garrett or which is sad like why do you care about me what I think I'm not fucking Tom Holland but well you're not you're too far on the Tom Holland so I had a DM the other day from like like a Nottingham Forest fan DM me saying he wanted my sister and mum to be raped.

53:29And it's like, fuck. What? Because I, because I've correctly predicted Forrest wouldn't get in the Champions League. You want my family to be raped. Wow. That's fucking, but people like that, I just, I smirk and I go, you're a saddo. You're actually a saddo. I just don't get how it even goes into their head. Like seeing it, thinking it and then writing it. It's good. You don't understand why they do that. Cause then you'd be as bad as them. But seeing how you deal with it, it literally like I've, I've personally learned to adapt. Yeah. I've noticed you've been a lot better. You used to buy a lot.

53:57Yeah. Well, so a bit that the listeners will be sick of hearing, but we have a Reddit page, right? Yeah. And every single episode, they put a discussion. So this will be on a discussion. People will be talking about it. And they used to call me out. So we do it with Alphie, Stevie, Alphie, and Robbie. Robbie and Alphie are like the golden childs, right? And then me and Stevie get called out for all of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get the most of it, but I'm the most opinionated. But it used to get to me when they'd call me out for like the way I pronounce something or, oh, he's pretending that he has that opinion or this.

54:30Oh, yeah. And we had Paddy the Baddy on. Yeah. Who's like a sick guest, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, have you met Paddy? No, never met him. One, like genuinely, like to us on the day, like lovely. He seems cool. Lovely sound person. Respectful to Fiona, like everything, right? He came on. I didn't know anything about his old immigration tweets, right? I don't, that's not why he's coming on the show, right? To talk about his political opinion. and they fucking went nuts on me and Stevie, right? And I was so, like, worried and, like, panicked. And then I think a couple of days later, I saw you getting called out for an opinion you had.

55:03Yeah. And you just replied, like, I don't care what you think, you little virgin. That's what I wanted to say. And I wanted to say that about them. Because I get, obviously, there was a bigger issue there, like, oh, Paddy said this, said that. But this is not the show that we're doing, right? Yeah. I had tweets that resurfaced when I was, like, 15, 16. like yeah I'm not the same person no like if we're gonna hold people to what they thought and said when they were 16 then let's get all your whatsapps up then yeah let's get all your group chats up and let's see how perfect you are this is the thing and this is why things don't get to me because like I had one where I made a joke about Hillsborough which obviously now I'm educated on the situation I don't find funny and it was a stupid joke to make when I was a teenager you're also a fucking kid and also when you'll remember when twitter first come out right we used to use it as like a group chat right we were all on private yeah yeah and it wasn't for like public it was only when i then went public and all those old tweets resurfaced and people like will apologize i'm like apologize to who though right you okay if i've offended you like who am i and then i still get it now and i'm like i've already addressed this i regret saying it and i'm sorry for what i said and i don't hold those same opinions and then when people bring it up again now i'm like i'm not gonna spend my life apologizing for something you can't especially when it's so long ago as well i don't i feel like people don't realize i feel like i'm a different person now than i was three years ago that's like 29 32 i'm a completely different person yeah so it's weird when they go back to like 2012 yeah and it's like you get a life i've got i got kicked out locked in did you hear about that yeah the first series of locked in i got kicked out because they found it's because because of a tweet i put when i was 19 no way yeah yeah i didn't know that yeah oh shit but I used to I used to because people online worked it out right and people question me all the time and go like oh why is this but I because of where I'm at now and I know I'm a good person I'm happy to talk about it yeah yeah yeah that's like I mean I'm a piece of shit but I don't care yeah yeah I don't and also back then jokes were made that like are unacceptable now things change like shit change like life changes These people who get offended, they're getting offended by people.

57:17I've met Scousers who know that and they go, mate, you were a kid, no one gives a fuck. And the Scousers are the best. I've had some of the best nights out in Liverpool. Proper Scousers who understand the situation. Yeah, okay, obviously that isn't a cool thing to do, but we don't care. You were 16 or 17 or whatever. No one cares or thinks you still think that. It's mad. When it first, it was Football Twitter that obviously leaked my old tweet, right? Also, by the way, Mine was actually a joke. It wasn't... I tried to make a joke. Yeah, yeah. I didn't actually take the piece out of the... That's exactly the same context as mine.

57:51It was in the context of I was trying to make a joke. So the reason Football Twitter shared that... It was because I made a joke about Football Twitter. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I said that Football Twitter are the same as these, like, blokes that dress up as wizards and go and fight in the field. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kind of people that they'd laugh at. Yeah, yeah. You're the same. You've got Pablo Fornauz as your father. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so they went back, found that tweet, and then I had to have a meeting at West Ham because I worked there and they had to go in. Yeah, obviously, because it was so long ago.

58:22They were like, all right. Well, yeah. I just think people like that, like, be very careful because are you perfect? Yeah. Have you never said anything you regret or are ashamed of or wouldn't want people finding out? Because I don't, and this is another thing, I don't act like I'm holier than thou. I know I'm not. So, and I see other people, I see old tweets, and I'm like, who gives a fuck what someone said 15 years ago? No, exactly. I just think... I'm releasing an advent calendar this Christmas. Right, talking of old tweets. Yes. I've got a game for you. Not the... What kind of old tweets are you going to read out of it?

58:54It's called Finish the Tweet. Are they safe? Yeah, they're safe. You didn't come up with a cool name for this one? No, because the Dudley one went down like a lead balloon. I saw you do this with Window Kid. Yeah. That's funny. What a bloke, by the way. Quality guy. I really like him. Yeah, absolute legend. Okay, so the first tweet is from 2014. Oh, God. So it's either going to be a word or a phrase that is missing from the tweet. We'll tell you word or phrase, but... So blank, don't muck about, always decent. What don't muck about? Is it a person? No. Can you give me a clue? It's a thing. Don't muck about, always decent.

59:29Kinder Bueno. Oh, it's close. Dairy Milk. Number two, it's also from 2014. Blank might be on the... By the way, some of these could be so brief. I used to tweet like a dickhead. Look, we're starting nicely. I really thought I was some chav. Blank might be on the cards for tonight's chill out. Hashtag winning. Hashtag winning. You've got your Charlie Sheen in. Chinese. Dairy, milk, fruit and nut. Still my favourite chocolate. Are they all just dairy? No, no, no. Are you ready? 2012. 2012. this girl just came on the train fully stinking of blank and I'm so attracted hashtag my kind of girl say that again

1:00:37Sensational color, sensational price. With those savings, your next girl's night is basically free. Find your perfect match at Walmart.com or at a store near you. This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. This message is brought to you by Apple Card.

1:01:20With Apple Card, you earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases like groceries, merch, or tickets to the game. Plus, it can be used anywhere MasterCard is accepted. No matter your team, no matter where you shop, Apple Card is here to help you tackle game day. Apply in the wallet app on your iPhone today. Subject to credit approval, Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch. Terms and more at AppleCard.com. This girl just came on the train fully stinking of blank and I'm so attracted. Hashtag my kind of girl. 2012. What aromas was a young Tom G into? What did she have smelled of?

1:02:01but back then i wouldn't have known female perfume so that definitely isn't one look so it's got to be

1:02:11cinnamon are you are you well into cinnamon i don't know it'd be so nice smell in it reminds me of christmas or something weed weed fuck off it's actually a swear down this girl just came on the train it's a joke that's a joke is it i hate weed like ah you're doing it like I'm like yeah my kind of girl that's a joke see this is where the issue of written jokes exactly yeah I was like no way would I fucking be like oh I love the smell of weed it is the worst smell I've never been a weed smoker ever I can't stand it either I can't take any time I've tried it as well I just pass out oh I'm throwing up I hate it that's exactly like last time I smoked it was like 2018 doesn't sit well with me in LA right and me and my mates were watching like Premier League years or whatever and I just kept pacing up up and down in the kitchen, looking in, thinking they were looking at me.

1:02:59I've only had like... I did it in America with my roommate, he's American. He's like, do you want to smoke a bowl? I was like, yeah, fuck it. We're on the way out. Literally took one hit, whited, couldn't go out. I used to live with guys in Bristol that did it all the time and they were just, they got really boring whenever they did it. I've never got the appeal. I've never got the appeal. Half my family love it and then half... Yeah, so to clarify, that was a sarcastic tweet. It was still funny back then. It was a 2012. I'd shag Eva Mendes even if she was dead. What? Sorry. Fucking hell. I don't know.

1:03:33It's a guess. My damn cousin. That's fucking just as bad. What's wrong with me? 2023. Even if she was my what? That was 2023. No, no, no. That one was 2012. I'd shag Eva Mendes even if she was my damn cousin. My damn cousin? Yeah. Why am I saying damn? I don't know. So this one's... You're my damn cousin. this one's only two years ago I don't care if blank is the goat bloke is an absolute turnip oh Phil Taylor yes thing point point another 2012 he is though he is he's a wanker so am I he's alright I can say it why don't you like him no I've just heard a lot of bad things about him like a lot yeah you work in darts so don't say it I can say it I think he's a legend.

1:04:262012. A fax account tweeted, the creator of... Oh, no, right. Okay, sorry. Yeah, right. So a fact account tweeted this. The creator of... I love this one. When's this? This is 2012, right? So you've quoted it, right? Or retweeted it with a word or whatever. So a fact account tweeted, the creator of Pokemon Satoshi Tajeri is autistic. Right. You replied with one word. Virgin. he just put shock shock

1:04:59he created pokemon i mean that is good okay 2023 only two years ago again had a blank the other day and they really are as bad as they look stay well clear four pints four points like what had a blank the other day and they really are as bad as they look stay well clear the four pints could be taken out when it would still make sense yeah so it's a point no you're saying you need four pints to have this really oh it's a food what was popular back then i don't know if it was popping i've never heard anyone i can't wait to have one of them what let's see what it is oh is it bad no it's just I don't know what are these what are them like Japanese dessert things and moshi things oh yeah I know what you mean the moshi balls yeah them it was a spa baguette I had a spa baguette oh yeah they are bad four pints fuck me blank are the most underrated crisps they never let you down this one from 2022 ready salted yeah bang on you're a big ready salted fan Just they're good.

1:06:14People try and be cool and like they show, yeah, are they boring? They just taste nice. Yeah. I'm into Reddy Salted McCoys at the moment. Oh yeah. Yeah, they're really good. Reddy Salted's the most underrated flavour. Like it's not fancy, they just do the job. Fucking Mark Noble, mate. Yeah. 2012. I'd rather take a dump on my hands and pick my nose than watch blank. I feel like this might bite me in the arse because it might be a show I watch now. Love Island. Love Island run about then. Can't have been towering or made in Chelsea because I loved them when I was younger. Do you want a clue? Yeah.

1:06:49It's a sport. Cricket? Rugby? No. Keep going. You're digging a hole here. Oh no, is it? Cricket brand deal's gone. Rugby brand deal's gone. Think of sports that you'd rather dump on your own hands than pick your nose. What do I hate watching? What did you hate watching? It's a very popular sport now on the old YouTube scene. You probably like it now. I'm struggling I think it's popular YouTube sports now Golf? Yeah I love golf now Wow And you had a lot of anti-darts tweets Did I? Yeah you was going no one actually likes the darts just goes people go for a beer Yeah Proof that people change Exactly I fucking love the darts now I will actually I think when I first went to the darts it was for a piss up now I'll just sit at home and watch it I do enjoy the darts That's an entry into darts But I also think now the quality is a different level Yeah it is to the point of I'm not a massive women's football fan but women's football now I'll watch women's football 10 years ago was a terrible standard I watched the Lionesses over the summer it was good I enjoyed it but yeah I think that's how people can change and then finally 2014 I love a great blank arse not far off batty I love a great pair of tits.

1:08:14Did I actually tweet that? I love a great pair of tits. Fucking hell, man. Have you changed? No comment. That's not even that long. That's, what, 10 years ago? I was 19.

1:08:31It's 11 years ago. Wait, what? What year was that one? 2014, yeah. 11 years ago. You were 18. I did a joke once, and now we're talking about old tweets, right? It's just so embarrassing, because it just doesn't even fucking make sense right but people called me a paedophile was it i love shagging kids i wish it was that would make more sense right think about how many bits of this joke don't make sense i like my golf how i the joke was that i was pretending to be a nonce right but Pretend. I like my golf how I like my women. 18 holes and under. What? That doesn't make any sense. I know. One golf is nine or 18, isn't it?

1:09:18Yeah. Well, you can have as many holes as you want. We don't need to go in. There's nothing about that that makes sense. No. Because you were good on this side, I don't think you did the roast, I thought. Yeah, that was only a few years ago. Yeah, got called out for that as well. I think you need to just relax. I tend to not really read comments. Do you not? Jack's a biter. Because also, either way, I'll be honest, I do tend to get more positive. I've always been quite positive, my comment sections, but I don't take it either way. If you agree with me, cool. If you don't, cool. It's still what I think.

1:09:54It doesn't matter if you agree. Maybe that's a bit arrogant, but I suppose it's... No, it's a good way to be. I just don't care either way. That was my new year's resolution. I've been a lot better at that. We're in quite a positive run of comments at the moment as well. Yeah, I know, but I haven't replied to the negatives. Yeah, but that's why people then do it. Start replying to the positives. The ones you reply to, that's why they do it. As soon as they've got you, oh, now they're going to do it every week. Exactly. I've got a few sports questions for you, Tom, before we let you go. Yeah, let's go.

1:10:22So you get given a happy hour sports golden pass. This is a made-up ticket. It lets you witness three sporting moments, right? So one is in the past. You can be there for any sport. It's not just football, anything. One is in the future. So an event that's coming up. And one is an event left this year. What would you like to go for? What a question.

1:10:49In the past, when Albion won the FA Cup in 68. You picked that over 66? Yes. Would you? Yes. Are you club over country? yes but I think England will win something in my life I don't think Albion will that's a good reason so I'd rather if you gave me the choice of Albion winning the Premier League tomorrow or England winning the World Cup I'll pick Albion because I think England will win a World Cup that's a good answer yeah the future one would be the World Cup final next year yeah do you think we've got a chance of winning it do you I think we will win it yeah do you I think we'll go really close I don't know it's just whenever we come up against the power how it's like Spain yeah but we've got a different manager now haven't we I trust the manager more in the big games oh okay so how were you feeling when we went against Spain last year when we was going into it I thought we were doing it did you yeah I love Southgate's given me the best moments of my life like in football let alone just like sorry in my in like life let alone just football I love Gareth Southgate but you can't deny he was a bit tactically inept sometimes yeah but then also at the same time he made the decision to bring Cole Palmer in the final who scored.

1:12:00He made the decision to bring on Mason Mount in the game against France who then wins a penalty which then Kane skies. If Kane scores that we'd be going what a brilliant substitution. Great, Matt. And the first team he had people forget fucking Ashley Young was playing and Eric Dier and he got us to the semifinals of the World Cup. Yeah, true. But anyway, this year Oh,

1:12:26fuck. I'm trying to think. What else is left? Oh, the Ryder Cup. I'd go to the Ryder Cup, like the last day. Or maybe the Darts World Final. Because I've never done that. That'd be next year, though. True. Actually, no. I'd go to the Darts semi-final, because that's the best day. Yeah, it is. Because you get the two games. Yeah, it is. When did you last go to Ali Pali? I've never been to Ali Pali. You've never been? I've been to the Premier League, and I've been to... It's the best place ever. Emma sorted us. Emma knows Liv. Right. So Emma sorted us some tickets for the Premier League, right by the stand.

1:12:56What was this year, the final? No, the one in Birmingham. We went to the one in Birmingham. And then I went to the Premier League the year before at Birmingham. Yeah. It was in the stands. And then we did the kazoo something darts at Wolverhampton with just my mates. Right. I've never done the World Championships. Oh, it is honestly. It's the best thing ever. If you sort me out, I'm fucking there. I ain't playing though. Batch has just lost a spot. Who's the greatest champion of any sport? Oh, good question.

1:13:33This is so tough because is it just Phil Taylor, but I hate him? I think it is, isn't it? It could just be Phil. But then again, I don't think the opposition was... Lewis Hamilton's a good shout. Ronnie O'Sullivan? Yeah. Yeah, Ronnie O'Sullivan. He's the oldest and the youngest winner. Ronnie O'Sullivan hasn't won as much as you'd think because he just takes time off and like he no I don't think he's beat Endry yet has he Michael Phelps Phelps is a great shout how many world titles has Ronnie O'Sullivan won seven yeah he's the same as Endry I think oh fuck he hasn't outdone Endry yet oh yeah it can't be him then I'd go Endry you've written on me it's got to be individual hasn't it I think Felt or Bolt Stephen as well yeah Stephen Hendry I'll get Usain Bolt really I loved Bolt how many gold medals has he won a lot he went from like 08 to like 2016 didn't he when he won it I think it's got to be Phil 16 time world champ but I know what you mean the opposition wasn't the opposition not being as good Bolt did it against like to this day I think the second, third and fourth fastest men were like in that final.

1:14:55Why are they? Yeah, like, I think Tyson Gay broke the, the second time he broke the world record, Tyson Gay broke the world record and finished second. Yeah. But Bolt did, he was beating, and they were all on juice. Competition makes such a big difference because like you couldn't pick a tennis player because Djokovic, Federer and Nadal are all so good. And also with Bolt, he, I bet you tuned in when he raced. Yeah. Have you tuned into this world championships? No. I couldn't even tell you who raced that. Exactly. He transformed the sport, man. He was such a... Good answer. It's a good answer.

1:15:26Who are your top five favourite footballers of all time? Favourite? Yeah. Kumas. No, all right, best then. Because you're just going best. Why did you look so sad? You gave it straight. So best, all right. Yeah. Kumas. I go... In my lifetime. Okay. Messi, Ronaldo, Neymar.

1:15:53is Neymar actually up there then is he is he I obviously don't know ball because I Messi, Ronaldo Neymar and then I'll go Zidane's a bit before my time but Zidane was amazing I'll go Zidane Ronaldinho do you remember the 2002 World Cup yeah I remember watching Ronaldinho and Lobb see him in the assembly all yeah and then I'll go when you're thinking of these are you thinking their whole career or like a specific period a bit of both Neymar's obviously fucked up towards the end nah it's not true towards the end he fell off but Neymar was Neymar had people watching Santos when he was 17 people were tuning in to watch Brazil at the Olympics because of Neymar then he got his big move not outdone what Neymar not in my opinion he can't lay well he scored a hat trick in a World Cup final though hasn't he so did Jeff Hurst is he better than Henri Isn't Mbappe like something like the all-time World Cup top goal scorer now?

1:16:54He's probably not far off but no, it's closer. Then it's R9. R9 is my last one. Yeah. Shout. So I go, yeah. Messi, Ronaldo. No, this isn't in order. Messi, Ronaldo, Neymar, R9, Zidane. So there's no room for like a Gerrard in there? Hazard? Hazard, I love Hazard. No, Javi Nenesta would be above Gerrard. Yeah, true. Not even close. And Paul Scholes. Yeah. And even Busquets. Perlo would be up there but no, Gerrard, no chance. Mark Noble. Rooney was probably my favourite English player, but... Oh, Rooney's got to be in there. He's not better than... Yeah, but are you putting him over R9? He's better than Neymar.

1:17:29No, he's not. He is. No, he's not, mate. Come on. Let's not be silly. Rooney is one of the goats. Of the Premier League, yeah? Yeah, right. So no one in the Premier League gets up. I also hate that. They're goats. No. Greatest of all time. There's only one. Yeah, there's only one. And that's Messi. Yeah, and Phil Taylor. And then finally, mate, what is the greatest goal ever scored? Zidane final 2002 against Bayer Leverkusen. The ball come down with snow on it. Left foot, weak foot, volley, top bins in a Champions League final. I think I'd go for... Have you seen Robin Van Persie against Charlton?

1:18:08He's got better volleys than that. Do you think? The one against Villa, Rooney pinged 60 yards. One of the best assists ever. And he fucking volleyed. The technique involved in that is crazy. The one against the Charlton, where he just sort of jumps and then jumps again. He's got a lot of... The diving header as well. The Canios is up there. The Canios is class. Yeah. Is this a kick? I mean, it's all right. He's in Wimbledon, really. I'll tell you what, another one. Thiago is against Porto. I can't remember it. It's like a daisy cutter on the half volley. People think it touches the ground, but it doesn't.

1:18:47it's the most beautifully aesthetic goal you'll ever see. Really? I'll show you. Yeah, get it up. Fee's just reminded me of a final little game. I think we've got time. It's a quick little game. Yeah, why not? I wonder why we're doing this.

1:19:03Ah, okay, I do remember this. This is just technique personified. For some reason, I was just picturing Thiago Silva when you said that. It floats, yeah. Fucking incredible. Yeah. because I actually this isn't me trying to patronise but because I've played at a half decent level I understand how hard that is I think people who've just had a kickabout have played at school and haven't really played that much football again I'm not trying to patronise probably don't realise how difficult that is that's why I think Zidane's is the best to do that with your weak foot when it's dropping from such a height like Roberto Carlos literally just boots it in the air he's not really aiming for him and like to and to do it in a final like that I just think he's incredible.

1:19:46Bales is up there against... About Carlos as well. The free kick. Nah, the impossible goal. He didn't mean that. Do you not think he meant that? When he's on the byline and he's trying to cross it. But there's no one in there though. Yeah, but he's just booting it. I don't think he's shooting. What about the... I might be wrong. The Newcastle one as well. The Cissos. But again, that goal kind of annoys me because an average player could recreate that and act like they could fluke that. Just boot in the boot. I see what you mean. I do think C-Sake means to hit it with the outside of his boot to swerve it, but an average footballer could fluke that by shanking it.

1:20:24You can't fluke that Zidangol. You have to be unbelievably technical to do that. What about Croucher's volley? Yeah, that's technique. But again, it's stoked. Dirty stoked bastards, aren't they? Tom, your mate Theo... Mate's a strong word. He's similar to my mate, Stevie. we've got something in connection do you know what that is paedophiles yeah fuck's sake I'm learning I'm learning they've both had hair transplant oh yours has worked though by the looks of you no Theo's just famously failed like yeah so we wanted to finish on a on a quick hair transplant blind rank him ooh so you don't know who's coming next you know how blind rank him yeah yeah yeah how many is it five ten ten okay go on then I would just say we don't know 100 % if all these people have had them but you can sort of there's a lot of articles on the internet to suggest they have number one allegedly yeah tubes from Soccer AM he has I'm trying to think what he looks like now have you got photos it'd be easy if you got photos for the audio listeners it looks like tubes with hair he's been on the pod he's a good lad he's a lovely lovely lad mate he's a top guy but we're talking about the transplants yeah yeah I'm not okay

1:21:43Eight Eight Straight in at eight Wow That's low That is low You don't know who's coming up Next up This one you're just going to have to do from memory Wayne Rooney He's had to have a few hasn't he Has he I think he's had multiple Yeah But he had his first one He was like one of the first big celebs to have one Yeah And he would have had it done before They kind of perfected the technique I reckon Okay Nine Okay nine Louis Walsh do you know what five that's not terrible is it okay then we've got next up Rob Holding oh my god two it's incredible isn't it it's so good yeah Mohamed Salah four he's his actually he's going already again I think is it is it I swear I saw something the other day where if it is then but when he first had it done it was very good yeah have you got a photo Yeah, Rob Holding, head.

1:22:42What? No, Mo Salah. What am I doing? This is great for a YouTube, but terrible for a podcast. Holdings already on number. Holdings, I'll put into two. Oh, I thought you meant Holdings is going. Okay, I've got six. Six. Yeah, okay. And then we've got Elton John. Elton John? Do you not remember? Oh yeah, his was bad on it. We need a better photo. Look at that. I wonder if it's a toupee though. Yeah. Might not be a hair transplant. I think it is. I'm going to get 10. 10. And also he's putting like his fringe forward. It's like at least you can see yours. Yeah. Robbie Williams. Oh, I didn't realise he had one as well.

1:23:25So what have I got left? I've got seven left. I've got one left. He might. No, he has added one, hasn't he? I don't know if he has had one. I'll get seven. Seven. Okay. He might just have nice hair. So I've got one. If that's just a natural hair and he's hit seven above a few hair transplants, he's done all right. Yeah. You've got one, three, and four. David Beckham. Oh, he's really... I didn't realize how bad he was. Yeah. Three. Does his hair look good? Yeah. That's great. I'll get three. Another best friend of mine, isn't it? Yeah. Me, Hux, and Bex. Yeah. What a trio. That's better than your midfield line.

1:23:58Let me ask you this, though. Does he look old in person? Wait, when have you met David Beckham? I met him twice. No way. Doing what? I used to... You can listen to the Wankin' video. Fucking hell. You jammy bastard. I used to be signed to an esports organisation called Guild Esports. What, so you used to play? Yeah. No. Oh. You're saying yeah, you're saying no. Which one is it? I was a content creator. It's the same way like I'm a poker content creator. I don't win at poker. Right. I get eyes on the game. But you still play poker. Yeah, I play. And then you play. Oh, I'd play like, I'd play against pros and stuff every now and then, but I wouldn't be, I'd be getting destroyed.

1:24:35or whatever they want Rocket League, FIFA whatever they'd ask me to Fortnite I didn't know that but yeah Beckham was like co-owner I think of the whole thing and then that all went to shit how was he? lovely really really nice I only got like 10 minutes with him both times but smelled lovely yeah can you imagine second time could have ironed his shirt maybe that was the look he was going for though like rugged he doesn't leave the house unless he's perfect yeah I imagine that was on purpose yeah it probably was but yeah it smelled lovely and he looked great in person bit Asian make up Asian last two Fia Baker you've got one and four left you should have known that was coming four then obviously number one Stevie White yeah yeah thank you Rob Holland I'm happy with that the official tier list is Elton John in 10 Wayne Rooney 9 Tubes in 8 7 is Robbie Williams 6 is Mo Salah top 5 Louis Walsh Champions League spots here Theo Baker Imagine if you've just tuned in and you're listening to this list what the fuck they must be thinking Louis Walsh Theo Baker Mo Salah Number three I think he's my most hated people people I hate the most I'm now on number one Number two Rob Holding the bastard and number one is Stevie White I'm okay with that list I probably would have put Theo Lower and I probably would have put Rob Holding first because his is incredible The fact Beckham is one place above Theo Baker's nuts.

1:26:05Well, he's going to have to hold that L, isn't he, I suppose? There we go. Theo Baker is just a better man all around, isn't he? Top man, top guy. As are you, my friend. So where can people find you? I don't know who you are already. I mean, yeah, my Tom Garrett vlogs on YouTube. Then we've got TikTok is TGarrett02. Then my second one is TGarrett2nd. And then everything else. Just type in Tom Garrett. G-A-A-T-T. That's how you fucking spell it. When I asked AI about you, it was just telling me loads about some rugby player. Well, that was funny because when the Banking video came out, people did articles about him.

1:26:39I was like... I think he had to come out and deny it. No, he's not me. And I don't think we look that dissimilar. I really? I think you could... Yeah. If you'd only seen me a few times, you could probably... I think he's got dark hair and a beard, I'm pretty sure. Right. Some guy, this is genuinely true, some guy that used to be a producer for a radio show I worked at came out as an actual paedophile. Not a joke, but his name... Well, he came out like he told people. No, he came out in the news. He basically moved to Canada and then he got arrested in Canada. And then someone sent me a news article.

1:27:12Jack Dean. And his name is Adam Johnson. And I was like, that is the best name if you want to be a paedot. Oh my God, yeah. And that's not making the top of Google, is it? Jammy bastard. Fucking lucky bastard. I don't even think he was a paedot until he saw that, but I'll get away with this, actually. Tom, it's been a pleasure, mate. Yeah, thank you. Thanks for coming on. you can check Tom out on Pitchside, Backside all that stuff on his YouTube channels, vlogs stuff like that. Tom, we always finish with the same question here on Happy Hour I think I know what it is. What do you think it is? The meal deal.

1:27:41That was about 2018 mate, so thanks for keeping up. We would like to know what is the meaning of life? We've asked every single guest this. Had an array of answers from Garrett's meaning of life Shagging nines and sniffing lines That's what Kavos said no he said fuck bitches get money see ya awful answer thanks for having me on man I love that it was good fun

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