597 - FOUR(SKINS) IN A BED Part 1! - Who Has The Best Dream Hotel?!

24:42All right. So close your eyes. Oh, okay. Seriously, close your eyes. Seriously, close your fucking eyes. I have. Picture this. Immerse yourself in this. You walk in. It's beautiful. The floor is memory foam. You're like, I've never seen anything like this in my life. It's all uneven. From behind the desk. And you made us all close our eyes. I can't see anything. Please, just listen. All other people have been walking on it, so it's got all these footprints in the memory foam. They haven't because we have a very expensive cleaning device for all rooms. It's one of those things that clean the roads in London, those little vans with the brushes on the bottom.

25:18Why can't it be a foam that isn't memory? Because memory foam is designed to remember you, isn't it? Yeah. So any other foam would be better. Don't let him change it. Carry on, Alvin. Literally, this memory foam is very springy. At the end of the day, I smooth it all out. Spring's in memory phone. Right, wow, man. Springy. Right. So angry. I rise from behind the desk. I'm almost elevating from behind the desk. Why? I come out covered in vegan goose feathers. I'm talking. Vegan? The goose is vegan. Why vegan? The goose is vegan. How can a goose be vegan? the goose doesn't eat the goose only eats plants oh okay yeah okay you've killed a goose for its feathers no no it's in the garden it's a bald goose it's in the garden it's in the garden it does have patches of feathers missing you can just cover it in cotton wool patches?

26:19you're covered in its feathers I'm covered in these beautiful these beautiful feathers these beautiful white do they still have their eyes closed that must be multiple geese to cover you there's a lot mate I'm fucking covered in this I look mythical, godlike, but I'm also a welcoming presence. You're in awe, but you're not scared. All of a sudden, the tension cuts, and the instrumental for Welcome to the House of Fun by The Madness kicks in. The Madness? By Madness. By Madness. I saw The Oasis the other week. They did good. Welcome to the House of Fun. Again, apologies. Yes, that song. Suddenly, there's a microphone in my hand.

27:06Robbie, have you ever seen Jam? Who's talking? Jack. Jack was Jack. Jack. You ever seen Jam? Jam as in the TV show? No, he's trying to say The Jam. Okay, good. I've seen who? Doors. Beatles. Yeah, good. Sorry, Alfie. Sorry, yeah, there's a microphone in my hand. Sorry, microphone in Alfie's hand. And a welcoming song is sung to all guests every time. Welcome to the house of comfort you're going to love. Staying in the house of comfort you're going to be covered in so much comfort. Can I please open my eyes? Sorry. That's good. That's very good. From the top, please. From the top. All the time.

28:00We can't laugh. Let's not do this. No, that's good. I won't have my eyes open for this. I don't think I've kept my eyes closed for that long on the pod before. That's so stupid. I'm going to tell me, hold on us this story. Yeah, from the top. Welcome to the house of comfort you're going to love. Staying in the house of comfort you're going to be covered in so much comfort. It's a boo thing, so come into the house of comfort. That's really good. I want to stay there now it's a nice shit hole but I want to stay there I really want to stay there it's a nice song oh my god I'd definitely go to the house of cum yeah yeah yeah is that the end of your greeting?

28:44yeah yeah that's enough then I'll just check you in yeah okay so what are you like as a host Alfie? um really attentive been told I'm too attentive by the guests? by guests and I will be honest about the feedback I have a tendency to sometimes I'm really worried about how everyone's sleeping. So I will stay outside your room and I'll just listen through the door. And if I hear anyone stirring, I come in with my master key. Well, I stir quite a lot in my sleep. Yeah. So what would you do? I burst in. Yeah. And she'd be like, is everyone all right? Is everyone okay? Well, I was. I was asleep. I was literally just asleep.

29:21So what the fuck are you doing in my room? Enjoy your stay. My girlfriend's here. Brilliant. Enjoy your stay. Well, why are you in there? Why are you? I'm being attentive She's indecent right now Why? Because she's asleep Is she not under the duvet? Well she's under the duvet But it's hot in here Because we're surrounded by cotton wool So she's had to take a I can't see anything I can't see anything You're looking at me And she's next to me Yes And I've got my willy out You do? So why are you still looking at me? I thought I heard some stirring And then I leave And that can be an issue Yeah But I'm sorry I care about my guests a lot.

29:58My problem is that I'm 48, so I urinate quite a lot during the night. I get up to do it, obviously. Yeah, yeah. I'm worried that that will be like, like, you'll burst into my room every time I get up to go to the toilet. Are you sounding concerned as you wee? No, just weeing. No, I wouldn't come in. But he's not sounding concerned. He's just rolling over or something. No, it's more if I hear sort of like, shirring. Yeah. trying to escape from earth that's me making sweet love yes that's happened so you go in to try and catch people making love can you tell us about one of the times where you did burst in on someone making love you're walking in on people making sweet love and I don't like that I think it makes you look creepy what happens when you burst in on the I'm attentive what do you do you burst in you see sex what are you doing pretty much I can see comfort I basically I just, I care so much about, it's all to do with comfort.

30:56If I hear someone not having a good night's sleep, stirring, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to check you're all right. Some people don't like that. How about this? Do you, you want comfort above everything? Absolutely. So every bit of issue or discomfort, you're there. Yeah. So I'm making sweet, sweet love. Of course you are. Right. I'm getting cramp in my ass. What are you doing? Ah, mate, I'm uncomfortable here. My ass is cramping up. Master key. I'm in. Sorry sir, how can I help you? My arse is cramping up. What would you like me to do? Well that's up to you, you're the hotel manager you said you're here for every need.

31:29This is the house of comfort, so tell me. My arse is cramping up. You want me to rub it? I don't know what but you said you were attentive, you keep walking in here because I'm grunting. Yeah, you seem to, you were, sorry the rest is fucking. You say that you know what to do in comfort situations, his arse is cramping up. I'm not getting pounded, can you sort this? Give me a minute. Okay. I come back in. I've got my marigolds on. Yeah. All right? Marigolds for math. I'm touching that with my bare hands. All right. Rude. I don't want to touch his arse. All right? I can't imagine a less comfortable glove.

32:04Yeah, so you only like to walk in and... They're covered in silk. Everything's wrapped in silk. When are you going to learn that everything's wrapped in fucking silk? Why isn't it a silk glove then rather than marigold covered in silk? Hygiene reasons. Okay. Silk gloves are well dirty. Right. And I'm just needing it. I'm just needing it. Needing his arse. What do you need? It's like this. You're kneading his ass. You knead that, do you? Boom, the elbow comes out. Silk patch.

32:30How are you? In my ass. Yeah. While I'm on top of his ass. Yeah. How's your ass? Fine in a minute. Fine. That situation hasn't happened. You only walk in on women when they're asleep. No. No. Sometimes the men are on their own. Okay. Right. a lot of the time and I'd say 99 % it's nothing sexual what if a family's staying there sorry yeah if there's a family there this is adults only oh okay adults only hotel ages ages you'd be fucked you have a child we tried to say I wasn't an adult so does Robbie yeah and you only I can stay there I wouldn't stay there without Robbie come stay without without the kids okay have a trip away yeah alright The big giant cotton ball.

33:22Thanks.

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34:46be because unlike a hotel we wanted to all sort of stay in the same place together and it was pretty good to be fair uh fee had somewhere to do her makeup we had a kitchen uh we had a massive sofa it was it was a good weekend um but it was a bit strange because i didn't really know alfie that well but we got close on that on that week and he got an invite and i didn't must have been lost in the post well then i hope i get an invite to the next one where are we going yeah that's uh that's already booked me and Elfie and a few other friends are going to Brighton for the weekend again Airbnb can't wait what are the rooms like?

35:22right this is this is the selling point right? as it should be no no come for the reception I thought the anal massage was the same it's been pretty good so I've been a pretty attentive guy so far I've sung you a song I've kneaded your ass with silk elbow patches didn't ask for it though you begged me for it so you go in door open floor all mattress right like the reception was no like comfy bed mattress as opposed to memory phone mattress yeah yeah as opposed to memory phone you get somewhere other than on the bed yeah where'd you get memory phone my floors okay yeah my reception floors okay yeah right mattress comfy beautiful thick mattress all over the floor you can sleep anywhere is it quite bouncy then yeah it is we have i'll explain how i know that later on but um your hotel no no no no we're very very very vigilant very very vigilant and the bathroom is covered in towel so when you come out the shower or the bath you you don't need to like dry yourself in there you just come out you there are towels you can roll around on the floor yes sir um sometimes when i uh shower at the gym yeah i have my towel in the car yeah home wet i leave it in the car for a day or two yeah it fucking stinks the next time i get in the car the whole car does how is this this this bathroom not going to reek we daily we we clean it daily with that thing that cleans the floors in london so you don't just replenish the towels you actually clean the same towel?

36:57Yeah, and then we replenish sort of monthly. But most hotels have a little mini towel that you put down to stand on. Yeah. That's enough. The whole floor is towels, mate. So you're ripping up the carpet every day? Every month. And then we clean it. We deep clean it every day. But how are you going to dry it? How do you dry the towel? How do you dry it? It's going to be mouldy in an hour. How do we dry it? Yeah. Are you idiots? You're buying time. No, I'm not. I've written it down here, mate. the ceilings is all fans the ceilings is all fans in every room if the ceilings is all fans then why do you need the towels just stand on the fans for a bit you can it's both the fans keep you cool perfect temperature loads of dials they dry you off they dry a towel fans aren't going to dry a towel they do when they have a hot air function in the bathroom you just said they were cool they can keep you cool right this is like a this is why you live in mould no no No, I never thought of it.

37:55Get this for your heads. Get this for your heads. It's just fans on the ceilings. There's fans on the ceilings. Like that. Yeah, I know what a fan is. Noisy. Turn it on. No, they are silent. They are silent. Yeah, that was just me going, shh, shh. Look how quiet it is. And then you can turn them hot. You can turn them cold. You choose your own temperature, but it fills the room very quickly. You can have them on. you can have them off. Okay. Yeah, that's what heating is. We're worried about the mould. The fan cleans, that dries the clean towels. underfloor heaters or something? Uh, no. Environmental reasons.

38:37Right. These are powered by solar power. Move on, but this doesn't make sense. It does make sense. The ceiling's all fans, the floor's all mattresses, and the bathroom's all towel. I would much prefer underfloor heating. Okay. Okay, we'll look into that. Anything else about the room? Well, you just said you wouldn't because of environmental reasons. Well, you get your duvets, your bed, like basically just a massive bucket so you can sleep anywhere in the room. Bucket? Yeah. There's a big bucket with all the pillows and duvets and everything and then you take them out and you can sleep in the corner.

39:11So there's no bed then, really? It's all a bed. No, you're sleeping on, it's all bed. Okay. The floor is all bed. You can sleep wherever. So what's the bucket? That's cool. It's just got all your duvets and your... So is there a TV in there then? Yeah, on the wall. What mounted on the wall? Yeah. So I'm laying on the floor having to look at a TV on the wall. It's not even elevator. Put the pillows up. We've never had complaints about that. We've never, ever had complaints about that. Well, I'm the customer and I'm complaining about it now. Is there a TV on the ceiling? No, the fans are there. Okay.

39:38Oh, there's fans in the bedroom part as well. Fucking mental, mate. Yeah. Mental. Where do I put my luggage and stuff? Because I'm having to... In the wardrobe. I've rolled it across the dirt. In the wardrobe. Get into the room. How can I iron? I can't even set up an ironing board. No, but the ironing board won't stay on the spongy mattress, man. Bouncing. Yeah, we've got Velcro straps. Strap it to the floor. It's still going to bounce, though, isn't it, when I'm ironing? How are Velcro straps going to stabilise? Iron on the towels, then. Brilliant. All right. Thank you. Why are you ironing, mate?

40:05This is awful. Why are you ironing? Because I've got an important meeting tomorrow indefinitely. Can you iron on memory foam? You're in the wrong place, mate. You're in the wrong place. Cool. No, this was so good, I thought I'd stay there and commute. Why don't you have steamers? Huh? Why don't you just use the steamers to iron? No, we're old-fashioned. We're on an ironing board. You strap it to the mattress. No one's ever had an issue with that, ever. You're old-fashioned, but you've got fans built into the walls. Yeah. No, the ceilings. Ceilings, even more modern. Is that everything with the rooms?

40:31Well, do you have any questions? We've got loads, but too many. It just doesn't make sense. What's the one rule of your B &B, Alfie? So, you're not allowed to make anybody feel uncomfortable in any way. You already have. Uncomfortability. You came in and like me and my ass when I was shagging my partner in. Mate. You asked me to do that. I didn't. And you didn't complain either. I didn't want that. You came in and you said, No, you came in. You came in. You came in. Rewind it. He called me in, mate. He called me in. No, no, he burst in. You burst in. I didn't. You had a key. You went, mate, mate, my ass is aching.

41:05No, no, he didn't. I've got it all on camera because I'm filming him in the corner. I am so happy. I am so, so happy because I know I put my life on being right. That's how sure I am that you called me in. Rewind that. Should we VAR this? I swear to you. V, let's VAR. You want comfort above everything. Absolutely, yeah. So every bit of issue or discomfort, you're there. Yeah. So I'm making sweet, sweet love. Of course you are. Right? I'm getting cramp in my arse. What are you doing? Ah, mate, I'm uncomfortable here. My arse is cramping up. Master key. I'm in. Sorry, sir. How can I help you? My arse is cramping up.

41:43What would you like me to do? Well, that's up to you. You're the hotel manager. you said you're here for every need. This is the house of comfort, so tell me. My arse is cramping up. You want me to rub it? I don't know what. Now, right now, we actually don't know who it is. No, we actually don't know. But in the end, they'll know. Yeah, they'll know. He went, you said something like, mate, come in. I didn't say come in. I did not say come in. You went, mate, my arse, mate, mate. You said you had a key. You had a key. Your change, waffle. I forgive you, by the way, for when you messaged me saying you're sorry for gaslighting me there, guys.

42:16if you will. You've mentioned that you burst in if someone wants to go to the toilet. Yeah, I do. Occasionally, on this occasion, I was called in, his arse aches. What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? You were already in the room. I went, what the fuck are you doing? My arse is sore. We'll see. We'll see in post. Either way, so your one rule is don't make anyone uncomfortable. Yeah. So, Jack, if you came and stayed, no picking dead skin off your feet and putting it in a pile on the sofa. That's what I like to do. You can't. That's how it begins. It makes guests feel uncomfortable.

42:46Do it in your mattress room. Do not do it in the public spaces. Well, I'm not going to do that anyway. You do it in your living room when I'm there watching TV. You've not been around mine in two years. No, but I've seen you do that about five times. I've moved on. Okay. Well, you're not allowed to do that. Stevie, no fitness vest pictures. Makes us feel uncomfortable, right? Makes you feel uncomfortable? I don't know who he's harming. Who's uncomfortable? Who's harming? Oh, I thought it was Army. No. Robbie, you're not allowed to talk to any women. Okay. At mine, if that's all right.

43:24They've just told me that they make them feel uncomfortable. Do they? Yeah. Why? What have I done? I don't know. They just said, when he's staying here, can he not speak to us? What, has he been chatting up women in the hotel? Wow. Wow. So the manager's saying that, Robbie. So is he making you feel uncomfortable? I feel quite uncomfortable yeah I like chatting up women in a hotel and also why are you chatting up women why are you chatting up women in a hotel when he's fucking you yeah you chatting up women nah cool bro thought you were gay bro I'm gay you were gay last time I was bumming you yeah bro what's going on now I don't know it's the lover's quiff that's what he calls my arse had a good night in the lover's quiff what else no constipation I said one rule yeah that's just that's uncomfortable as well what if someone has it you're out well what are you serving what food are you serving well that's not the next question that's alright you're just bored of it that might cause an issue right your question there for what I'm serving at breakfast actually alright that's alright yeah we skip to it if you want we'll come back to the other ones what what am I serving for breakfast yeah because I want to know you've said no constipation well it depends what you are serving only foods that are comfortable on your teeth um baby food you're targeting you no no no no no no i don't want anyone's tea to be on so we're allowed baby food yeah ready breck right mush banana um and then i do there's this uh guy i love on four in a bed maybe my favorite contestant ever called egg man and he basically went to everyone else's night and ordered like all the variations of eggs in the morning to test all their eggs and it came to his day and he couldn't poach an egg he was amazing if you've never seen the show that's a good entry one because he is brilliant what's that got to do with what we're doing though because i'm so i'm serving every type of egg ever can you do it well how many how many eggs can you give us all the types yeah yeah boiled yeah fried yep poached over easy um Scrambled.

45:34That's five. Raw. Peeled. Pickled. Soft-boiled. Soft-boiled. Hard-boiled. Eggs and other soldiers. Dippy eggs. That is soft-boiled. Are there any others? I think that's it, isn't it? Yep. Shell on, shell off. Eggman. Who's going to shell on? Yeah. I've done you there. I've done you there. Right, okay. Loads of eggs. Is that all your breakfast? I've got the shit. Yeah, but you're not constipated. I don't think from this actually on second thoughts. If anything you have diarrhoea. No, eggs are protein. They will make you constipated, won't they? Okay, well that's not allowed because there's no uncomfort here.

46:14If you eat loads of eggs. No refund. You want fibre? You want... No refund. Okay. You are shit at this. If your B &B had a secret... I don't want it in my B &B. For constipation? No. Stop feeding us fucking this barrel of eggs then. If your B &B had a secret door where would it go? It would go down to a basement. Hopefully to a Marriott. Down to a basement. Can't say much about it. Pillow Fight Club. You said quite a lot about it. Oh, Pillow Fight Club. Can't talk about it. Ah, right. Pillow Fight. Right. It's brutal. Yeah. Fucking brutal. Brutal? Yeah. In a place that's meant to be comfortable.

46:58They put bricks in the pillows. Why are you talking about it? Huh? Sorry. They put bricks in the pillows. I'm not allowed to say anything. I put bricks in the pillow. I literally can't say anything. You feel very comfy. I literally can't. That's the hotel's dirty little secret, mate. Pillow fight club down there. People come from all over the world. You smash each other in the head with bricks inside. I literally can't say anything. So loads of constipated people just getting smashed in the head with bricks. Yeah. Sounds good. I can't say anything more than that. I hate this hotel. It doesn't sound ideal.

47:26The rooms are nice, though. You're so comfy. I like the texture of the reception a bit. And then everything else I've hated. Yeah. Who have you hired as staff and what is their role? I have hired former guest and prison officer Vanessa Frake. Vanessa Frake Harris. Harris. Right. Why? Why do you need a prison warden in your hotel? Because they're fucking smashing each other with bricks downstairs, Jack. You said it's a secret. She's hired as bouncer. Why do you bounce her? Like bounce on the mattresses. To test the springiness. What I said earlier. Right. She goes in every night for a new guest.

48:06Why her? I thought you'd ask that. I think you're quite sexist, actually. What? I think I was quite sexist. But why have you picked her specifically? My problem is she's a woman. I can't talk to her. She's a bouncer. She's overqualified for the role. She's on 150k here. How much are these rooms going to be? That's the pay gap. I'm closing the pay gap. Right. Do you have any men work in there? Huh? Do you have any men? No. Is it just her? See, you're only stuck. It's me. She's chief bouncer. She'll like go in, test some mattresses. And then I've got the person that drives the cleaning. Articulated lorry.

48:47Yeah. Yeah. Cleaning Arctic lorry. Yeah. That's just. Who's that? That's just Shirley. Who's Shirley? She's an old girl from Cornwall. How much is she on? 75. £25. Why is she on that? Pounds. She is shit. So she's the one cleaning all the floor? Why is she still doing it? Because it's a great place to say she gets free room. What do you get paid? Huh? What do you get paid? Yeah, what do you take home? Me? Yeah. I wouldn't tell. I put it all back in the business. You said you were closing. You didn't say you'd close the pay gap. You said you were closing it, which suggests you're on more than£150 ,000.

49:26No, I'm closing it because I'm not on anywhere near what Vanessa's on. So you've closed it and now you've got to pay gap the other way. Yeah, because it's about bloody time, I think. Right, that's why you pay the woman 75 quid a year. So the woman who comes in and jumps on the bed gets 150 grand. You run the hotel and you get less. Way less. But it is kind of balanced out because the cleaner gets 75 pounds a year. So really, the women are getting like 75 grand a year, if you average it. What are you getting? Depends who you've asked me or the tax man. Okay, well, the tax man's not listening. I'd say last year I took home about 55 quid.

50:11Thousand. Wow. A month. You're not closing anything. You tell the tax man, though, I earn about 10 grand. You're earning 600 grand a fucking year. Yeah, I'm doing all right, yeah. I'm doing all right. How are you getting that many people to stay in that shit hole? Mate, it's expensive. How many rooms are there? About five. Five? Wow. How much is it at night? You ain't going to like it. No, I'm not. It could be a tenner and I'm not going to like it. Two grand. Five rooms is only 1 ,800. Think of the upkeep. I've got to upkeep the cost of the fans. I'm pressure washing a cotton ball every night.

50:58so it's a soggy cotton ball no because then I'm drying it you are making a rod for your own bag yeah I am I hadn't gone into this much detail I didn't think I'd be scrutinised this much oh shit shall we go on to the next question yeah what's the entertainment or evening activity what the fuck have I written for this even he's given up I've become a qualified ASMR instructor why because that's the evening activity You come into the garden room. Yeah. Well, what's in the garden room? What's in the garden room? Yeah. Beautiful furniture. More memory foam floors. And then me in the middle. We all sit down.

51:41Fire's burning. I do some ASMR. What, fire's burning on a memory foam mattress? No, the fire is burning. It's a log burner. Right. Still fire. Yeah. I've closed the door to it. Don't worry about it. All right. It's all above board. And I do some ASMR every night. you get relaxed what's the way I go in I sit down sit down we're all in here now now we're going to sit there you take it away you want me to do some now yeah yeah yeah do what you do every night but we'd also hear the crackling fire wouldn't we yeah

52:10that's the fire okay hey guys come and sit down that's not Amos are is it no we just said letters in the wrong order I'm introducing you in you alright hey guys come and sit down hi that's better you enjoying your stay not really I'm talking very quickly go stop interrupting me please I'm qualified I know what I'm doing Qualified what? At ASMR Okay How do you get qualified in ASMR? There's a university course Do we have to do ASMR back to you? Or can we just talk normally? We can talk normally can't we? You can Yeah we're not qualified Yeah yeah we're not qualified Starting from now guys Would you mind just keeping your voice What?

52:43Starting from now guys Mate I can't hear you Starting from now guys Would you mind just keeping your voices down a little bit So we'll all be whispering Just I want to get the vibe Okay you got you Perfect Okay sit down Close your eyes I already am I mean I already am mate I'm sat down Eyes closed. So, how are you all doing, guys? Are you all good? I can't hear a fucking word he's saying over that fire. You don't normally talk back in a.m. You're right. This is rhetorical. Okay, right. Hey. Hey, guys. Did you put some sweets? I bet you're, uh... Why don't you just sit back and relax for a second?

53:18Imagine that's Michael Jackson. Imagine just sit back and relax for a second and... and can you stop talking please sir because you're really fucking paying me off now I'm trying to, you know, I'm qualified you're being a bit disrespectful, okay

53:38That's taken me out of the moment That's taken me out of the moment That's the worst That's Stephen's squeaky eye I was doing ASMR That's fucking disgusting That's mental that you can make your eye quiff You'd be kicked out for that I'd rather you talk about your groin area You'd be kicked out for that Why can you make your eye quiff? Oh, mate, it's fucking grim. That's horrible. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. That's weird, isn't it? Why is Ariane with you? I can't see properly now. She must not be able to. Do you guys actually want some... Do you actually want some... I think that that sound has nothing to do with the way I look.

54:13You can't. I've seen the hat. Sorry, mate. What's the cock hat? That's sick. Do you actually want some ASMR? I genuinely, like, off-pod, think I'd be good at ASMR. How do you do it then? No one interrupt us. Eyes closed. Hello and welcome to Alfie's ASMR session. Hey, you look a little stressed over there, little guy. What, mate? Is it just whispering? Yeah. They make other noises. I'm going to get there. Can you do it soon? Yes. Because this is a lot longer pod. You look a little stressed over there. Let me rub your shoulders.

54:55Right, I can't be arsed then. Get the fuck out. I've never had guests be like this, honestly. That's mental. Is that the evening entertainment? You've told them to fuck off. That's the end, yeah? Yeah. Fuck off to bed, guys. I'm done with you. Well, we're going to go back to our rooms, but what item do you leave in our guest rooms? There's a spit by the sounds of it. Get ready to be one round. Especially you. Get ready to what? Be one round. Get back in your... I'm not whispering anymore. I'm not foreign. You can look at me and ask me what I said. Why do you have to ask him to translate? You can just fucking ask me, all right?

55:31I've got an English accent. Why did you ask me? Ziggy, you've done that about three times today. I'm getting fucking sick of it. What did he say? What did he say? It's because you're not making any sense. On the bed are the barbecue crisps from the co-op, the best crisps in the world. I know what he's on about. Oh, he's got some. You're bribing me I don't want them Can I say I don't want them Eating in bed Leaves crumbs everywhere Alfie I don't want them You're bribing me They are These Are the best crisps In the world Never had them before They are amazing Try some Bobby's Sticky Barbecue Ribs These are the best crisps In the world You get an unlimited supply Can I just say Can we have some now?

56:15Yeah Right crisps break I got you a packet as well Fee if you want me Okay This is bad I will eat them on the way home I'll just try one quickly Lay on the bed Lay on the bed That's strong Yeah They're okay They're not okay That's Tell him They're my mouth quite dry They're amazing There you go Can I just say like I'm in a supply I'll never eat in bed Because the idea of like Laying in the crumbs and stuff is bad Yeah You've said you've left these on the bed Normally in a hotel I could eat them off the bed Cool The floor The whole floor is the bed It is Yeah it is So how am I not going to end up Laying in the crumbs You won't.

56:52We've got Dyson's, handheld Dyson's built into the wall, so you just hoover it up if there's any crumbs. Okay. Is that the only thing left in the rooms? Special brownies. Love it. Special brownies. Special brownies. Why do you keep winking? Special brownies. What? As in... I've got some, you want? Like drugs.

57:16Dessert? Oh my god, he's bribing. What is it? Peppa Pig stuff. These are delicious. Which is weird in a hotel that bans kids. These are delicious. By Brompton House. These are delicious, mate. These are delicious. Oh my god, they've got little Peppa Pig heads on them. You'll love these. Why do you eat these? Why do you know that? I wanted to buy dessert and they didn't have normal brownies or anything like that. Horrible. Okay. Have some more crisps. I prefer that for crisps.

57:47Pepper's head is so hard. Yeah, too hard. The pepper bits are too hard. It's like a brownie with stones in it. Do you not like that? Do you not like that? I love that. That's what... Okay. Yeah, a lot of the time when I eat food, it doesn't hurt, so it's a nice change. You said you were serving food specifically that didn't hurt our teeth. Yeah. And you've given us brownies with stones. We'll never serve them again. I'm so sorry. The heads are usually so much softer than that. What? Is that what the special is in the brownie? Stones? No, it was just like special brownies. They're not like the hotel special.

58:20I thought you were giving us the old Mary Jane. See how you feel in 10 minutes. You just drugged us and bribed us. Okay. Is that everything you've left in the room for us? Yeah. Do you want anything else? Water? No, that's fine. How do you ensure each guest has a great night's sleep? Well, obviously I'm listening at the door. what you don't know is got baby monitors in there and I sit in my room when I'm not outside the door and I just have all these baby monitors there and I'm up all night for you guys and I'm just listening don't worry about that when do you sleep? I don't when's the last time you slept?

59:02in which case 55 pound a month is warranted last time I slept 2018 when I opened this place I don't think that's possible I mean I've clearly gone mad you have this was a normal place we know what you've served for breakfast who's one previous notable person that stayed in your B &B I tell you should remember these yeah but I've done a couple you've been up Doc Cotton Phil Mitchell Phil Mitchell what? what? Dot Cotton Cotton, yeah Phil Mitchell Chill, oh he's saying the word chill Anna Silk That's an actor from Lost Girl, I just googled Actors with names that have Silk in their name And we had Bonnie Blue a few months ago Stevie was there as well So needless He's only in there for a minute Keep the car running Right So just people that predominantly associate, their names associate with the word comfort or silk or cotton.

1:00:13And body boot. Right. How much do you, well, final question then. How much do you charge per night? Two grand a night, breakfast not included. Breakfast not included? Keep the change, mate. How much are we paying for the eggs? Yeah. It's unlimited. Oh, you can eat eggs of every variety. 50 quid. I think it is arguably the shittest idea I have, or concept for a hotel I've ever had. I think the concept's good. No. The whole comfort thing. That's all hotels. So, boys, you should have envelopes near you with Alfie's name on, if you've written it on. No, but I can do that. Don't be hot. Don't play the game.

1:00:49Don't play the game, be honest. I don't understand the game, so I won't. So it's 2 ,000, and then if we were to... I'm just going to write at the top 2 ,000. That's what Alfie's price is. I'm going to... Yeah. Okay, 2 ,000. So, 2 ,000. If we were to pay the standard rate, the 2 ,000, what would the eggs be on top? 50 quid. And how many eggs should you get for that? unlimited you can have a million if you want well i can't eat a million but um okay so i write down what i'll pay and i put it in the envelope yeah do i write my name anywhere and we're saying the winner is it's going to be done based on like over payments underpayments yeah so in the show we'll come together at the end see how much people are paid and the one who has had who's got the most money in comparison to their price.

1:01:34I feel like putting your rooms at 2 ,000 gives a heavy charge. Can I change it? No. No. Well done. Alfie Envelope, Alfie's Hotel Brecken Bedfest. Brecken Bedfest. Got you talking again? Is done by all of us. Right, and we'll find out next week what we paid for Alfie's Hotel. There you go. Do I write on it? Well done Alfie. Thank you. It's all done now. What? All done now. You're panicking? Yeah. All the way through. Well, it's now time for you to be able to take the piss out of someone's hotel. Or maybe you'll really enjoy it because Jack is here with his idea. This episode is brought to you by PayPal.

1:02:23You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen. Snacks. A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. This message is brought to you by Apple Card. With AppleCard, you earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases, like groceries, merch, or tickets to the game. Plus, it can be used anywhere MasterCard is accepted.

1:03:03No matter your team, no matter where you shop, AppleCard is here to help you tackle game day. Apply in the Wallet app on your iPhone today. Subject to credit approval, AppleCard is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch. Terms and more at AppleCard.com. Would you like the questions again? No, I don't need the questions. Well, yeah, I do need the questions. You probably do want the questions. Yeah, I do need the questions. Can I just say that my hotel is by far the greatest place anyone can ever stay based on the fact that you must like happy hour to stay there. Happy hour. Most people hate it.

1:03:36What? Loads of people make horrible comments about it all the time. Yeah, if you don't like happy hour, not for you. That's most people then. Like if you go by population. Yeah, you're reducing the amount of... Instantly, I'm not sure. Let me ask... Okay, that answers my next because I was going to say let me ask you this question. Do you like happy hour? I do, yeah. Right, Robbie does. Do you? Yeah, those crisps aren't that good. Fuck off. Can you just leave mine alone now, all right? Sorry, but I like barbecue crisps but they're just weird. They're the best. They're really nice. What's up to better?

1:04:08Really nice. Well, I'm... Oh, sorry, your hotel. Happy hour hotel. You like happy hour, yeah? I like happy hour. Robbie likes happy hour, you like happy hour. It's all right, yeah. Well, guess who's judging this hotel? three happy hour fans okay perfect three happy hour I wouldn't say I'm a fan no no one said fan no no no if I wasn't on the pod I would never listen to it I'm on the pod and I don't listen to it right okay okay so what's the name of your B &B Jack the happy hour hotel I think it implies joy I think it implies pleasure short stay is it what short stay so you just stay for an hour do you no an hour in the name no sometimes you go to confusing me sometimes you go to resi's and they're happy hour restaurants and their happy hour is longer.

1:04:49It's not called happy hour though, is it? No. Because they would want to encourage you to stay for longer. The happy hour hotel, the hour's optional. Oh, that's confusing. But to be fair, when you go to cocktail happy hours, they tend to be two, three hour long these days. But what if the place was called the happy hour? You'd be a bit... This episode's already over an hour, Alfie. It's not good marketing. Right, okay. That does not bode well for me getting to... No, I'll allow it, Jack. ...dive into my answers. Where's the location of your B &B? It's in North London, right next to our studio.

1:05:16This is where we do the podcast in Highbury. So when people come, they can put you out. Just back me elbow. She cut cat. I don't know how that's affected your elbow. So people can pay extra to get a tour of the studio. What I will say is that you get a tour per night. Hang on. Do two tours of UST for two nights? Yeah, if you stay here a week, you get to see this glorious room seven. What if we're recording? No, no, no. We're working at the hotel. That's a lot. So then we can't just pop your head in, though. No, we do it when everyone's asleep. Do the tour quickly, because that's one room. Hello.

1:05:55Welcome. Well, actually, I'll tell you what I can do. I have a little song that I sing when I greet people. Because you remember yours, you levitate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've got a little song. I'm no stranger to a song here on Happy Hour. So my hotel is a magical, mystical place, right? A much like room, our Happy Hour Hall of Fame. Imagine if that was a real place. So you've seen Harry, you've seen Willy Wonka? Yeah. So I'm dressed like Willy Wonka. Instead of the purple theme, gone for a bright yellow. Yellow. Right? Willy Wonka. Willy, well, this is up to you. That's a cheap gag, Stevie, but if you want to take that, you can.

1:06:31So I always, every time you stay, no matter how many times you stay, you'll be greeted with me singing this song every time. Let's have it. So not every day, but like if I come back. If you come back, yeah. So you might leave and go, here I am, this bloat's something sick song. And you might bring her back to the city. Oh, it's sick. It's grime. It's grime. Come with me and you'll be in a room of pure imagination. We have jokes, although most are about male masturbation. All the rooms we'll have soon Working air conditioning, ventilation What you'll see will defy explanation If you want to stay somewhere nice We're simply not the ones to do it Yes, some of the rooms may have parasites But like Stevie's trauma, you must get through it Welcome to Abiyo Hotel

1:07:40Is this some weird meta? Do you think he's going to invite Arianne back to him? The awkward stare at me afterwards. That's what I do. Welcome to Happy Hour Hotel. What's that about parasites? Parasites. Some of the rooms will have parasites. Okay. Nice metaphor for the Reddit. What's the theme of your hotel? Is that just a happy hour? You want the theme, mate? Of course, I'll give you the theme. So the theme, happy hour themed hotel. Bright yellow hotel, yellow rooms. Every single previous happy hour guest that works here. Every single one? Yeah, or is involved in the running of the hotel. No, but literally every one.

1:08:23All in some capacity, yes, they do. They do. Because if you guest on this podcast, you've got a job for life. Blue van man. Is it? What's he doing? What do you think he's doing? Deliveries. All right, I'll ask you for later on. At the time of recording, he actually wasn't working this weekend. He was busy, but we'll move on. Robert Temple? Well, you'll find out in a bit. To collect your room key, you have to pay the fee and you have to put your money in the top of the big massive ball machine, right? Yeah. Then it'll pop out a random room key for you. And we have four rooms here at the hotel. So it's like swingers?

1:08:59No, there's no sex in there. That's his hotel, right? So you come in. With us. you come in big ball machine pop your money in the top we have 800 rooms in the hotel but four different style of rooms so would you like to know the styles yeah I'd love to four types of room available instead of telling you about each room because I thought that'd be a little bit biased I am the hotel manager so I'm going to big up all the rooms I'm just going to pick some random trip advisor rooms from people that have stayed in each room oh okay so first up these are reviews are they yeah these are actual reviews that people have left my hotel oh nice so four different stars of room i'll go through them so first of all we've got the indra lodge okay right so that's one of the rooms here uh as you can see there's a theme of these four rooms based on uh some of the legendary hosts that have hosted that uh pod so three stars out of five so i just got unfortunate that i didn't quite get fire so stayed in the indra lodge last week and was instantly blown away by its beauty thanks i mean that sounds great yeah i've stayed at every room in the happy hotel and i've always found the other three rooms to be a little bit white and plain the indra lodge has by far the best color scheme although what's slightly disappointing is the color scheme sorry although i was slightly disappointed with the fact the ceiling was very short small don't get it the ceiling it says here ceiling could not have been any higher than five foot five what's that got to do with me no it's just that's how we designed the lodge uh i kept banging my head on the low beams also the mold on the ceiling was disgusting and the floor seemed to be covered in cat hair or onion peel couldn't quite tell next one four out of five i got yeah no i got three oh yeah oh even worse one is this is a two-star review for the knock suite oh that's my name yeah it's your name it's gonna be honestly never stayed in a room that seemed so outdated the interior didn't match and was styled horrifically there's cunts who put these that's unfair because we thought that was nice when we designed that in the 80s i like the inclusion of the mini fridge stocked full of beer and the addition of a b-day was a nice touch but we did weirdly find a photo of a young woman in the bedside drawer bedside drawer a yacht how young um not too young welsh oh god i don't know why i said no that was an insult oh it gets worse it Gets worse.

1:11:19Next one now. Yeah. The White Chamber. Oh, no. One star. Hard critics. One star? Absolutely fucking mental. We have stayed here before and somewhat enjoyed it. We stayed in the Indra Lodge both times before and decided it was time to try something new. We got given the White Chamber this time. As I said, fucking bizarre. Why are there peepholes in the wall from the neighbouring room? That is... Also, no lock on the door conjoining the two rooms seems like a breach of safety. What if a weird bloke that stayed next door just come walking in and did God knows what with my kids? Nonsense Paradise.

1:11:58That was the white room. We don't have locks. Who left that review? I don't know. It doesn't say. Then finally, you've got the Dean Cabana. That's randomly five stars. Absolutely perfect. Don't understand why there was a broom in the toothbrush holder, but apart from that, you're not. Is that all it goes for you? I can't decide how we can review them. Just randomly put reviews out. So one of the rooms is good out of all of them. The rest are unbearable to be in. Yours is okay. It's five foot five. The Indra Lodge is good. I couldn't even get in it because I'm far taller than that. Are you far taller than that?

1:12:32Marginally taller. Don't know. I'd be hitting my head. You'd have to bend down an inch. I'd be hitting my head. You'd have to bend down. Not if he takes his shoes off. Well. The Nox one was all right. It just needs a bit of an update, doesn't it? Yeah. Maybe take the pictures out there. I'm an heterosexual man I wouldn't want to You sound like your grandad What's wrong with the iconic We don't know who the woman is Attractive woman in the drawer Charlotte Church? Yeah, exactly, could be

1:13:02What are you saying? What are you like as a host, Jack? I'm alright, mate, to be fair I haven't really put much for this Because I'm not one to say How can I judge how I am? I'm doing you a song I'm showing you around I'm giving you a world of pure imagination what more do you want? What if we came to you with a complaint? I'll be alright about it I'll be alright about it There's parasites in my room Yeah Yep Can you sort it out? I'll get round to it eventually yeah What are you here for sir? Just the night What room are you staying in? Indra Lodge? Dean Cabana? White Chamber? I'm in the Nox suite You're in the Nox suite I don't think there's many parasites in there Well What?

1:13:40He doesn't get many negative Huh? You said the parasites earlier. We're not talking. We're talking little bugs in the back. Yeah. We add them for a little bit of character from time to time. I'd like them out if that's all right. They're biting me and my children. I'll send someone around to send a cleaner around. Now? Yeah. Who's the cleaner? Who's the cleaner? Because you said everyone working here is previous guests. What previous guest is our cleaner? Yeah, who's coming in, sorry? Don't know. I wish we'd had more women on the pod now. Yeah. No, name one. Go on.

1:14:11somehow the worst thing you could have said I know I know Meatball Molly Meatball Molly is the cleaner she's the cleaner she just smashes the fuck out of the bed bugs oh nice that's good actually thank you that'd be great yeah it's a good hoax calls all the little bugs little Tories squashes them yeah so I'll send her around in a little bit thank you good hoax that's good in a little bit though yeah give us sort of like 10-15 days so I'll get over to it. A bit busy singing songs to guests. What's the one rule of your B &B? Oh, well, there's three rules here at this hotel. I hate to be a dictator, but there are three rules.

1:14:51These are the three happy hour commandments that every guest must live by and understand. Number one, a maximum of only three women per year allowed to stay in the hotel, unless the woman gets her vagina out on the internet, then they can stay whenever. Rule number two The hotel will be closed for two weeks What? What? Let other people comment it It's not something to be proud of This is the rules of the hotel It's good to be aware though The hotel will And do nothing about it And just make jokes about it It's good to know you're wrong And dismiss all the complaints But now they'll know why women don't want to come on Yeah, okay, yeah The hotel will be closed for two weeks every quarter for no real reason and with no notice given.

1:15:38The hotel has full discretion over when this happens. Fine. Okay. And then finally... All the guests will be fine with that. Yep. Because while this leads me into my third commandment, absolutely no criticism of the hotel or hotel manager allowed at any point, even if completely constructive. We will not hear it here at the Javier Hotel. What if it's about his use of modern technologies and stuff? We don't use... Artificial intelligence. Yeah, what about it? What if I have a complaint about how much the manager's using that? Well, I've not mentioned anywhere in here that I'm using artificial intelligence.

1:16:11No, just hypothetically if I had a complaint about that. Yeah, then you could bring that to me and I would sort that out. What's the complaint? Just every time I have an issue, you're just using, don't chat GPT. No, no, no, go on, what's the complaint? It's just that you keep using GPT to do your work for you and it's really jarring. Give me one sec, I will go and I'll mull that over. and boring. See? They're Moorish. They're very Moorish. It could be anything. They're very Moorish.

1:16:45It is boring. It is boring. Yeah, I can see the point. This is shit for the pod. Well, I shouldn't have brought it up. No, it's your fault. Apologies, everyone. That's fucking... They are right on the Reddit about this. If you can edit this out. Leave it in. Let him die on the hill.

1:17:05fucking creep should we just skip to the next step yeah

1:17:13yo brother yo bro um you stoned no bro I'm just a chill guy and we're friends right no I don't know you you had a pepper pig brownie I was just speaking to my mate outside and he just said like just chill out I'm just using it to better your experience brother well I find it lazy and quite sad. Well, good job that we don't do that here, brother. All right? Respect.

1:17:41So that's your three rules? Yeah, I really don't know what's happening at this point. It is stressful, isn't it? It's really stressful having to think of stuff. If your B &B had a secret door, where would it go? Okay, so the metaphor keeps going on. So I'm going to say there's a basement door that leads to some other rooms right at the bottom of the hotel. Oh, not including the four types we've already seen, no. No. So these aren't even actually based on happy hour. Can you stay in these rooms? You can stay in these rooms if you want at a much reduced rate. The experience is way less. Okay. So right down below happy hour, you've got the fellas suite, right?

1:18:21And then you've got the waffling wardrobe, right? Just right down there, right? And we're up there. Right. And then we've got a penthouse suite. admittedly that is that is run by rob beckett and josh willigan but we we uh we don't need to go into that all right okay and then i thought if that didn't get a laugh which i didn't think it would i've also written um we also have a secret room that stevie keeps his guinea pig in once uh even i as the hotel manager have only been in there once i went in there opened the door saw darren stand on all fours naked and i went i don't know i don't need to know what's going on in there because I can tell from his body language.

1:18:59What? Go on. That is not a good place to be. Shut that. I went back down to the hotel. Lots of weird stuff going on in here. Well, the next question is one we all wanted to know, and Alfie was asking earlier. Who have you hired as staff and what are their roles? Quite a few. Well, I've got two, actually. So we've got... Did you just mentally delete all the not funny ones? I did that live so if you if you think I've deleted the not funny ones this has made the cut so we've got a selection of runners on site to help with things Mo Farah and Hardest Geyser a bit like your bouncer joke oh god sorry then I don't want to talk about the main stuff of the entertainment which we'll get onto the only other worker per se is Rebecca Goodwin who works out in the car park, she helps them.

1:19:56Does what? If there's a car park that you can't park there, she plops a little traffic cone down. What does that mean? She'll put a traffic cone there. You can't park there. What's that? I don't get it. Explain to me what's going on. She walks over. Yeah. But why would she do it like that? Why would she squat down and do it? Can't park there, sir. No, no, you keep doing this, but I'm asking what are you actually saying by that? He's saying he puts the cone down without her using her hands. Oh, okay. The cone's in her vagina. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Next one. Next one, is it? Then believe our man's delivery driver, yeah?

1:20:42Yeah, yeah. What's the entertainment? What's the entertainment or evening activity? Well, right. I actually need your help for this. Yeah. I do need your help. Because I've tried to pick some of the best entertainment we can possibly have at this hotel. And because they're all previous guests of Happy Hour, we had a huge array of potential. Like Jack Whitehall, Josh Widdicombe, Ramesh Ranganathan, Asim Chowdhury, incredible, incredible people. Fortunately, the rates were a bit too high for me because I want to keep the rates low so that you guys, the consumer... Thank you. The people that stay in the hotel...

1:21:17Thank you so much. So I've got a whole group of people working there, All of these guys are giving me a well-reduced rate for them to be able to work here. And I don't know why they're being so kind, but I have to pay these guys barely anything. So first of all, we've got a hypnotist in, right? Come to me looking for some work. I said, fucking hell, you're a proper hypnotist. He said to do it for a fiver. I was like, what's his name? Can't remember your phone out on the night. But he's in, he's... What's his name again? I don't know. I will find out. He's been on the pod. He's been on the pod.

1:21:54Yeah, I can't remember. But for some reason, he was really keen to just get some work. Okay, I think I know the next one. Hotel staff have put a little note on the computer here. It says, leave your mobile phones if you do attend. Next up. This isn't worth it. It's not worth it to anyone.

1:22:18That is not worth it. That is not worth the laugh. Carry on. The gag you're going to get is not worth the laugh. What's next?

1:22:33Please, please. If you're doing us bad. Yeah. I don't know. Say it. Well, we're a very inclusive hotel, much like the podcast next door. So once a month, we have LGBTQ plus parties. Right where everyone can celebrate and we can celebrate and just be an inclusive space for all sexualities and genders alike. Obviously, I want to make sure that that's policed. Yeah. So we've got an ex-police officer who's going to be on that. Right, just call it now. To make sure it all runs smoothly. He's busy looking still.

1:23:21oh and as we're situated in highbury north london uh we show every single arsenal game

1:23:30what i've got robbie lyall in to talk about the games um and oh no this one's too far this one is too far sorry that might put people off coming Tommy in it on stand-up At least he's doing it

1:23:52Is that all of your entertainment? Yeah So what item do you leave in each guest's room? Just a tenner What? Just a tenner Any reason? I don't know That's really nice Yeah just a tenner Can you better just reduce the rates by a tenner? You don't know what the rates are yet Are they less than a teller? We also leave a little egg in each room, a little plastic egg where we get the... Like a kinder egg type thing. Yeah, kind of, where we get each guest to ask a question for the next guest. Okay, that's nice. Yeah, we send a little machine. How do they answer it? Well, we sometimes forget to ask the guests.

1:24:33I mean, how would a guest, if they had it, who are they answering that to? They just sort of write it down. No, but who are they answering the question to? To the next guest. No, so I read your question out, right? How do I answer that question? Otherwise, it's just questions going and going. When does the answering happen? Ah, whenever. Just out loud to yourself. Whenever the hotel manager fancies it. Does the machine work? Nah, no. Right, that's never worked. Never worked. How do you ensure each guest has a great night's sleep? Oh, yeah. Right, so to help you fall asleep, we bring in a previous guest.

1:25:11sit in the corner of the room. Already know what you're going to say. No, no, no, no. It could be a guest at random, but this month on, we've got an ex-Michael Jackson bodyguard on hand just to read tales of what it was like working with Michael. He'd be off in seconds. That'd be into a nice deep sleep. We also ply each guest with a cheese board made up of bizarre and interesting cheeses, as well as heaps of booze, which when mixed right before bed can help induce a sleep full of lucid dreams and sleep paralysis. And then in the morning, Balan Jalal is on hand. He's been sitting in the corner as well the whole time.

1:25:49I write that. And he's going to analyze any nightmares you may have. One, we have had a few complaints about the sleeping. I will admit, I have got to admit it. Halfway through the night, every night, guests will be woken up for five minutes because we have a little alarm that goes off. What's that for? We are our hotel sponsors. we have to tell everyone about it. Such as who? We've got an array of sponsors, different brands and stuff. But that's how we managed to keep the costs of our prices incredible low. Where did you buy it from? What site did you get the alarm from? No, no, it's like a tannoy.

1:26:25Okay, but where did you buy the tannoy from? Just a website. Okay. Yeah, just online. Yeah. Why do you ask? It was eBay. Yeah, I use eBay a lot. What do you serve for breakfast? So we're already still bloated from the cheese and the alcohol the night before. Not feeling great going to breakfast. Airbnb. Not that into cheese. The breakfast is the most important part, most important meal of an Airbnb. It's normally the only one you get. No, you don't get an Airbnb. No, just B &B. Stop saying air. Oh, sorry. That's the most important thing that you never get. I got woken up by the sponsors last night.

1:27:02Right, so we have a comprehensive menu with an array of different dishes available to choose for breakfast. All of this menu has been designed by previous Happy Hour guests. So first of all, maybe you could be thinking and let me know which one you would like. Okay. One of these, Fiona said, I can't say, so I'll just do the other three. Say it, say it, it's fine. Or don't. We have the Willy sandwich. What, Willy cook? A tasty buttery bat handcrafted by the brilliant What Willie Cook. Although not confirmed, it looks like a sausage sandwich to me. The Zach Platter. An array of weird and wonderful fruits, personally chosen by fruit expert Zach Wilson.

1:27:44Fruits include the horned melon, the kumquat, Is your eye alright? the finger lime, Is your eye okay? and the nipple fruit. Warning, these fruits may act as aphrodisiac, so you'll be wonderfully horny as you leave our hotel. I don't want to be horny. What? As I leave. Yeah, well, go and enjoy your day. With a boner? Gozu. What? What does that mean? Why is Gozu the first thing you've said when he said he's got an erection? I don't know. The Dominic Stilton Trot cheese board. That's good. His name's Milton. An eclectic mix of wonderful cheeses. You said that to two people who didn't know his actual name.

1:28:25Sorry. And hallucinogenic mushrooms. Wonderful cheeses, hallucinogenic mushrooms. Guaranteed to set you up for a wonderful day. More cheese after the night before cheese. Good job, you all love cheese. You're always banging on about it. Other edibles include a half pint of nutmeg, root barks, mescaline cactus seeds, all to be washed down with a cup of bang lassie, a cannabis-infused creamy drink. And then finally, I ain't doing that. What was that one? Nah, don't worry about it. Can you show me? No. Next question then? The t***. Nope. Okay, don't say that one. Yeah, that's cool, man. Who is one previous notable?

1:29:00No matter what you choose to have for breakfast, each option is guaranteed to sustain and wow in equal measure. And no breakfast is served without William Hansen meticulously evaluating how you consume your breakfast. No, not nice. Not nice. Every single movement and inch will be greatly analysed and critiqued by William. And you'll be given an EAT score during your breakfast that you can read and work on. Perfect. Nice. Self-improvement? Yeah. No, I don't want to improve. Yeah, I'd feel awful. Fuck off. Before I open this up to the public, I tried all these amenities out myself and William Hansen came in and he critiqued my score what did he say?

1:29:40I don't know I deleted my Reddit next one yours is just pissing everyone off you've got issues nasty nasty horrible hotel who's one previous notable person that stayed fucking everyone mate everyone stayed but for example Elbrook She's made content here in these rooms Al Brick's made content in which room? Which room? I'm just checking the book in history All rooms What was she doing in there, sorry? Content Okay, anyone else? Vlogs, probably She never clarified, but she said, can I film content in that room? No, it's just a little bit boring Because she said something about shitting and stuff When she was on the pod, didn't she?

1:30:24What? Didn't she say something about shitting and stuff? She doesn't shit when she does vlogs, mate No, I know No, it's just you're talking about... I think you're hinting at... No, she's vlogging. She's vlogging. Any other guests? Just in one room. Yeah. Any other notable people? Is that it? Okay, cool. Well, final question then. How much do you charge per night? This is stressful. £600 a night is the current rate. But we get a tenner back in our rooms, remember? A pound per episode done on Happy Hour. Seems expensive for like a five foot five ceiling, doesn't it? Please note also that this goes up£2 each week.

1:31:05So if you book now, it'll be the cheapest it'll ever be. There might be like a month where it doesn't go up randomly. Also, admittedly, it is the most expensive it's ever been. It's also the cheapest it'll ever be. So how much will it be in like two months then? Two months, it'll probably be about£620. Right. Thank you. and then finally each night includes a tour of the studio and the bright yellow virgin table although please note that these tours are compulsory and I didn't even tell you the best fucking thing why you should be here we go seven point right this will win you round yeah right there are three ways you can get to this hotel travel that is the way but I'll give you the travels the only way you can get anywhere yeah no matter where you are from in the country Tom the taxi driver picks you up in his black cab and brings you to the hotel.

1:31:59I'll take that. Who doesn't love Tom the Taxi Car? Yeah, no, love that. Brilliant. Please note the cab fare is charged additionally and not included in the price of the hotel. That's miles for me because I live miles away. Yeah. Yeah, that's awful. Yeah. If you live on surrounding isles of the UK, we can send Adam Radcliffe. Yeah, he can row. He'll row you there. That's going to take too long. No, no, it's only the surrounding isles. So how long will it take? Where do you live, mate? Where do you live? I live in Ireland That's a bit close I live in Ireland but the furthest point away Let me just check Ireland How long is that going to take for him to row We can take a boat, East Rapid mate Where do you live?

1:32:40Barbados We've also got a pilot on hand we can send Shall we do the envelopes?

1:32:50Yeah Yes Oh, so Jack's hotel,£600 a night. Can I just ask, Jack? Sorry about the edit fee. Sorry about the edit. Jack, you said£600 a night, but can I just ask, you've got the basement ones, the fellas in the Wafflin wardrobe, and then you've got a penthouse as well. Are they all£600? Well, you're probably not going to be able to get in the Wafflin one because that closes down for six months every six months. You're just eating, mate. I don't know. Yeah. and then the fellows you don't want to stay there anyway okay cool overrated overrated and£600 is the same if I get your room but we don't get to pick the room no yeah it's random mate it's random god that was stressful so you've done my scores you've given me loads of wonga Brussels clean up nicely at Sweet Green maple glazed roasted and edges perfectly caramelised Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured.

1:33:57You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. Great things aren't built alone. To end hunger, assembly is required. When we connect our actions, we build a system that feeds millions. This Hunger Action Month, your action is the missing piece. Give now at feedingamerica.org slash hungeractionmonth. Is that right? Giving you something? yeah I'll find out next week won't I yeah I'll find out so there we go that is been episode one me versus Alfie there in the four skins in a bed the happy hour hotel against the you know it it's catchy Breckenbedfest you know it's catchy I'm not reading the comments for this one by the way why?

1:34:40nah I'm gonna you will to be fair you don't have much competition so you're fine we're fucked mate we're cooked okay well if you enjoyed that we'll see you next week same time same place and we'll be seeing what Robbie Knox has been working on back at his hotel and what little cuck hat man here has got to do with his little cuck hat man I was filming you guys yeah we'll see you in a bit I'm going to eat these crisps nice one that was tense wasn't it it was good

1:35:13Jackmates happy hour