600 - The End Of An Era...

26:35I'm playing poker, but I'm keeping one eye on what she's doing on my phone. She's got your phone, yeah. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, she's on Amazon scrolling like that. Does anyone know how much 2 ,500 litres is? Like that. and I'm like, what the fuck's this going on here? And then she starts going, oh, I'm thinking about getting this hot tub. And I'm like, she's just browsing on my phone. I don't say anything for half an hour. And then she goes, do you mind if I just log into my email? I was like, I'm going to need that back. How did you say no? So I'll ask you, how did you actually say no?

27:02Because I wouldn't have been able to. I think I verbally stuttered trying to think what to say. Do you mind if I just log into my email? Sorry, no, I can't. I need, I'm just sorry, I need that back. I wasn't smooth with it. You've disappointed an old lady. Was she not old? She was 55. No, good on you for not... Seven years old for me. Good bloody on you. Fucking so old. Yeah. What if she just ordered the hot tub on your Amazon to her address? Then I'm fucked. Are you ever going to let anyone borrow your phone again? What more do you want me to say? She won't have done that. That's insane. Why didn't you say...

27:38That's insane. She can't have done that. Check your order history. That is insane if she's done that. I think I would have stepped in earlier when I saw her on my Amazon account. What would you have said? You'd be quite good at that. No, I think I just said, oh, sorry, I didn't leave my phone back. Robbie, he just opened his phone. It was just tits. What? No way. You are a kid. What species? Explain why, though, Robbie. Why? Explain why. What did you get me to Google in the car? You two. Jeremy can't remember. Oh, no, fair enough. Who is that? Who is that? It is, doesn't matter. We were talking about page three models that were famous when we were growing up.

28:18Why were we talking about that? Because that just sounds like that's the way we're like proper. We said happy Christmas. And then one of us went happy Titmuss like that. Just because it sounds like happy Christmas. It's not getting better with more context. And then I went, do you remember happy Titmuss? Yeah. And then Stevie went, oh, I used to like Lucy Pindar. Yeah. No, he did. No, I didn't. He said, oh my God. You so know all their names. This is a lie. He said my first wank was a... This is a lie. I didn't hear any of the start of that because I was watching a video. I took my headphones out and they said they were going, who's that famous one from back then?

28:53They went, oh, maybe Lucy Pinder. And Jack went, I've already said her. To be fair, you rattled off about five names in about three seconds. I literally went, Lucy Pinder, Jodie Marsh. No, you said a few others. Kelly Brook, you said it. I didn't say Kelly Brook. Feeded. Oh, Feeded Pervert too then. The answer was... And then Jack's gone on Google and searched tits. I searched Keely Hazel. She just happens to have some. It's a byproduct of the woman. Why did you search it? What do you think was going to come up? Because he was trying to, I said she was really, really famous for like a year. Yeah.

29:26This woman. It was actually all respectful chat. It was respectful chat. We didn't know who she was. He was just trying to see who this person was. Sounds awful, guys. Sounds awful. Wow. Yeah. Surprised. In short, she didn't buy a hot tub. Good. Okay, right. Okay, that's all I've got time for. Okay. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. I swear you were telling me that you met Alfie in an Airbnb. Not technically, but the first week I ever met Alfie, we went away together and we actually stayed in an Airbnb in Liverpool. So the first time you met Alfie, just you two went and... You just met for the first time and went, let's go share an Airbnb together.

30:02No, it wasn't just me and Alfie. There was a few of us. We travelled up to Liverpool and we got an Airbnb be because unlike a hotel we wanted to all sort of stay in the same place together and it was pretty good to be fair uh fee had somewhere to do her makeup we had a kitchen uh we had a massive sofa it was it was a good weekend um but it was a bit strange because i didn't really know alfie that well but we got close on that on that week and he got an invite and i didn't must have been lost in the post well then i hope i get an invite to the next one where are we going yeah that's uh that's already booked me and Elfie and a few other friends are going to Brighton for the weekend again Airbnb can't wait this episode is brought to you by PayPal you know how a mom's bag has everything sunscreen snacks a stapler the new PayPal app is like that but for your money shop pay manager account and earn rewards all in one place and with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step.

31:05Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. What have you been up to, Robbie? I've had one of the bleakest days ever. And I've had some bleakest. today i've had some bleak days now well no the last year has been pretty bleak because we've been here every day but but that like i've on a bit of a bleak run like because a lot of the time i have trips that are partly bleak like when i go places with becky there's always a bit that's quite bleak but at least you're with someone yeah but there's been a few times recently um where i've been on my own running things like that and a year ago i did a video where i went to see how many countries i could drink in a day and i thought it was going to be bleak because becky's supposed to come then I think she was ill, she lost her passport, one of those things.

32:01How many could you do? I managed to do six, but it was travelling by a train. So I went across to Lille, I think I did on the train. So I did England, then France, then over to Belgium, then the Netherlands, Germany and Luxembourg. But it was actually quite pleasant because I was just getting off a train, finding a little bar, not too rushed, having a little drink. Did you get drunk during these or not? Not really, no, because I was doing that. But then that was actually, it was mostly quite pleasant until it got to the end. I had to try and get to Luxembourg. That was a bit bleak. And then down a drink before I went to sleep, which is never really great, is it?

32:36That sounds horrible, yeah. So I thought, I'm going to try and break that. But I think the only way to really do that is involve flying. So I did quite a lot of flying. I was kind of like the final boss of climate change, basically. I like how you've just said, I had this really bleak day, so I'm going to try and have a worse one. No, the last one wasn't that bleak. I thought it was going to be bleak, but it was actually all right, because I'm just having a little beer in these beautiful European cities. That actually turned it mostly to be all right. This time, bleaker street. Like, full on bleaker off The Muppets.

33:09You're really trying to think about it. I'm trying to think of a good one. Tracy Bleaker. Dawson's Bleak. Dawson's Bleak starring James Van Der Bleak. Oh, Donnie Van Der Bleak. That's good as well. Haydn Bleak. It was bleak, right. So I thought it was going to be quite bleak, but I thought there was going to be shimmers of... Sorry, just... Yes! That's probably the best one is all. I had to interrupt. That was brilliant. So Bleach. I just don't know if anyone's done. Bleak Mills? Meek Mills, the rapper. No one knows him. Yeah, it's probably not cool. That's probably why we didn't all laugh. So yeah, so I knew it was going to be Bleach because it's a lot more airport stuff and it's getting on and off of planes of through security is not that fun.

33:55No, it's the worst part of travelling. Worst part of travelling. And particularly to do this, I had to go to Edinburgh purely to leave Edinburgh the next day. So I went up, stayed in Edinburgh and I was going to go the next day. But my plan was, the first bit I was going to go, I'm going to get a flight to City Airport. And this is the bit I was worried about because I thought, if that flight's delayed, then my next flight, I'm going to Amsterdam and then on to Copenhagen. Right. But Amsterdam to Copenhagen is a through ticket with the same airline. So if I'm delayed, they'll put me on the next one.

34:24This first one, different airline. Where are you planning to drink in each of these countries? Just in the airport? Well, some of them would have to be airport pubs because you'll have time to get out. Bleak. So it's already getting bleak from the start. Is country one, are you drinking in Edinburgh before you even leave? Yeah. That was probably one of the least bleak bits of the day. But what did you have? What time did you leave? I had a pint of ale in the Brewdog bar about 4 a.m. that's pretty bleak mate I'd have done that all day compared to the rest of the day because it it gets so bleak um I won't give away the full video it's out now but I won't do anything but I'll just tell you the early bleak highlights so my my thinking was as long as that first flight into City Airport isn't delayed I'll be okay this is with British Airways so when I went to book it I got one that got in maybe an hour and a half beforehand I thought that should be fine but then I saw there's one like about about 45 minutes earlier, 40 minutes earlier.

35:23I thought, oh, that's, I might as well get that one to be safe. I know it's a bit early and I'll have a bit of time to kill in City Airport, but it's better to have it too early than anything else like that. What I didn't know is when you search, and I didn't know this until I was literally walking to the gate and looking at my boarding pass, and I was like, that says Heathrow. Oh, you tosser. And what happens is, even though you've searched City Airport, it comes up with the other options for other London ones as well. Oh, no. But I just assumed it was still... So it was a mistake. That's so something hard, dude.

35:53And not what you'd expect from the king of airports. Yeah. So error, rare error. But everyone makes mistakes, but not normally on the big stage like myself. So my confidence has gone a bit. I mean, what else am I going to get wrong here? But I'm like, I'm doing the maths in here. I'm looking up trains. I'm thinking, well, Terminal 5, you're at the Elizabeth line to get across City Airport, but there's only one train an hour. this thing's supposed to land at like quarter pass and the train's, like if I don't get, there's a train at like 20 pass, I'm not going to do that. I think this is ruined.

36:26I've ruined it. I've lost. Already. The best part of a thousand pounds on things that I booked and stuff. Fucking hell. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, ugh. And I don't want to have a video at the end of it, really. So I can do the video. Oh, I just got the wrong flight. I went to City Airport, just sat in London. I'd watch it. Well, thank you, mate. But the brand might not be so happy. Yeah. I mean, at least my worries, to be honest, at this stage. But yeah. um so i'm like oh god this is this is pretty bad get on the flight and i'm and i was thinking i'm even looking around thinking is there a way i can pay to get on the other flight i'm looking around if i couldn't find a desk something but this flight is boarding now so i'm like i've left it so late because i've been drinking a pint i didn't really want at 4 a.m um so i get in this and then luckily they're getting jaw rig additions everyone's on a bit early we're probably getting a little bit early we're probably gonna get in like quarter two so i'm going okay so we're now talking it was i'm thinking we're now getting a little bit more like it's not impossible that i could if things go well i might be able to get through really quickly and get on this train that's at 20 past six as the guy at the other airport would say that's massive that would be massive i think this is possible get there do the landing land like early get there because uh we've um we've We've got a bit of a problem here in that the gate isn't working, so they're going to have to...

37:44We're at the gate. The thing's not working that comes out for you, so you're going to have to get up and get on buses. I'm like, dream... Plane dream dead. Plane dream dead. Then you get on this, buses through. There was a delay even getting out, and I was like, oh, come on, come on, come on. Then you get out, and I just sprint through Heathrow Airport. I'm running past people. It's in the video. It will be in the video. I'm running past, just trying to get through this thing. get down to the Elizabeth line with one minute to spare and get on this train because the next one's not for half an hour and I'm like that's fine that's okay that's good so I managed to managed to get across to city airport with a few minutes with like 10 minutes to spare or something like that enjoy a glass of wine didn't really enjoy it drank a glass of wine didn't really want okay flight to Amsterdam this is this goes quite smoothly yeah that's okay then I've got good this is the other bit I was quite worried about I thought well I've got a tight change here to get to Copenhagen.

38:34I've got just over an hour there. But it's the same airline. It should be quite simple. City airport's normally quite good. Get there. Can't find a proper bar. The only thing I can find is like a sort of coffee shop type thing, but it sells like cans of gin and tonic. Have to just buy a can of gin and tonic and there's no seats. It's just standard. Do you ever think when you're doing this, what am I doing? Yes, I'm 48 and I've got a degree in economics and I'm in Mensa. Like what the fuck have I done wrong? You've got a degree in economics? Yeah. And you're in Mensa? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Mad. I actually didn't know you had a degree in economics.

39:02No, I do. Fucking hell, mate. I can work in a bank or some shit. Why do you do this? I don't know, mate. I was asking myself that a lot. Yeah. Look at you. You've got a party hat on. You look like your birthday. You look like a tit. You look like a tit. I know. I know how bad this is. Your wife and kids are going to see this when you could be working in a bank. My kids... Look at you right now. I'm my kid's dad. How fuck's that for them? They're at school and their dad's going to work and stuff and I'm just there at home. And then occasionally I go and just go, like today, I've got, I'll see in a few days, kids, I'm going to drink on my own in South Africa, see you in four days.

39:39That's rank for them. Awful. Yeah, they must be ashamed. Yeah, if they're not ashamed, it reflects badly on them. There's a picture of a fascist behind you. Yeah, I know, and I've mentioned it loads, but it never seems to go. It's always there. At least you're aware. Yeah, I'm too aware. Why is my picture hung below the bloody fascist on that t-shirt? Get me down. Why is that still there? Get me that. He don't want me there. He probably would want me bloody below him. Who is that? You. Who's what? You know who that is. It's Palo de Canio. Oh, it's Palo de Canio. I thought he was bald, sorry. He was bald in later years, yeah.

40:15British hair thing, I DMed him by that point. So where were we? I was downing this drink, Copenhagen, and there was a little non-bleak bit coming up. I'm thinking, if I get to Copenhagen, I've got a few hours, I can get out the airport go to bar out there won't be bleak or be less bleak get on the plane it's a little bit delayed thinking okay that's a bit of a problem but that's fine worst case scenario I'll have a little more relaxing drink at the airport on the plane for an hour not really gone anywhere I'm like bleak very bleak plane's not working get off get another plane just have to get off get bags off go there I was sitting next to quite an annoying woman who kept banging into me as well but you're on the new plane don't worry you're in the same seat as the new plane I now know I'm going to be next to the plane did you speak to her much?

41:05didn't chime so eventually then I had to do this get a Copenhagen to get my next flight and again I had to sprint through Copenhagen but what a shot I didn't want I just how would that day have been better if you just didn't do it? if I didn't do it if I'd done it all by train which I don't think it was possible to do to even try and do more than six I won't tell you how it went if you don't want to watch the video. But it was so bleak. But yeah, if I'd done it on train, it would have been all right. If I'd been with someone, it would have been all right. But to be honest, I wouldn't have to put anyone through this.

41:37I'd have just been apologising all the time. I'd have just given them some money and gone just go home. I'll do the rest of this. Sorry, you shouldn't have to be part of this. Yeah. At least you're not doing any more travelling for a little while, are we? No, yeah, that's that. So yeah, it was just generally horrible. But if I had a bit more time to do these things or go around a bit, it would be better, yeah. You like the guy from Tom Hanks in that film. Terminal. Yeah. Never leaving the airport. I don't get the reference. Have you said anything, mate? Yes. Fair enough. Do you want to talk about it?

42:13Not really. All right. Okay. We're all caught up. Baby, you're caught up. What are you doing? Bad news. Oh. Bad news. What's the bad news? I've dribbled a bit. You okay? There's been a death on the podcast. There's none of us. No. There's no one else. She's still there. Who else? She texts you. Dying. This is how I announce that he's done. Feed him dead.

42:40Today marks a landmark in the podcast's history where we are finally resting down. Resting down? Saying goodbye? I don't know what you're saying. I'm making much. We're saying goodbye to a friend of ours. A friend of ours that's been on the show for a good two and a bit, three years. Never really done much for us, if I'm honest. But today is the day we lay this poor soul down to die. Has someone died? Yes. Has someone we know has died? Yeah. Maybe not someone. Something, Robbie. Okay, right, fine. Because I didn't know what my reaction should be. And I thought it was a weird way to tell us. Yes.

43:16Boys, today is the day we say goodbye to the ball machine. Never really said hello to it. I have it. Have you ever used that? We used it for quite a while. For the last maybe four or five guests, we've just binned it off because the button stopped working for ages. I had to manually get one out every time. And then when the button worked again, it was shooting out about 20 questions at once. Did people enjoy the... It's been shit. Okay. Okay. Hey, not everything can be a hit. This little fucker Has been the bane of my fucking life Go on Tell it You never Tell it You never fucking worked From day one Show the back of it I'll fucking show the back of it Expose it For what it fucking is You little bastard Look at it It's not going up back there There's wires There's motors There's chipboards And none of it Fucking does what I need it to do We've had two men in here To look at you Haven't we You're slapped And not once So he's not that many No That does not seem low, Joe.

44:16That means your bar for that is quite... Okay, I can't really see you now. So, can I punch it? Yeah. If you want. Do you mind? Fucking slap it first. Humiliate it. Smash it up. You were really scared of hurting yourself. Smash it up. Oh, Jesus. Throw it on the floor. Jack, no, I'm scared now. No, don't. Don't, because you'll break something else. Headbutt it. Headbutt it. Don't listen to that pussy. Headbutt it, mate. Watch your phone. Watch your phone. Watch Finn. No. Don't do it by pass. Throw the fucker. Throw it. Throw it. Oh, it actually smashed. Seems alright, actually. The front bit smashed off.

44:50I've honestly never felt more alive. Do that thing on Call of Duty where you hump it. What? What? What? Who said that? What did you just say? Yeah. You didn't really... That was as rock and roll as I'm getting. Yeah, it was kind of like in between... He was saying no, he was saying smash it up because we've got less skin in the game. Yeah. But then you sort of did something in the middle and it was a bit... Nice, man. that's as rock and roll as I'm going I wouldn't want to fuck with you no I wouldn't want to fuck with you I would feel absolutely fine with it right to give the ball machine a good farewell not even for the machine the machine was shit but for the guests you really hate that cunt yeah why'd you hate it so much it just never worked never worked and it was so uncomfortable with guests when you go oh tap the button nothing happens who are you thinking of you're projecting you're projecting someone onto that I'm not thinking of anyone you're going you've never fucking done anything for me you've never fucking worked fucking little prick Yeah, see, that's weird to have that emotional...

45:44I've had a lot of anger recently. Weirdly ever since... How was he? Yeah, legend. What have we done? So we're trying to say goodbye to the machine properly. The machine can fuck off, but the guests who put a question in there... Leave that poor fucking machine alive. No, the machine's shit. You just told him to throw it, come! I know, it's dead! Okay, ball machine... It's dead already! Ball machine dead. Balls with questions still in there. these questions have never ever been answered so i've got the choccy roulette bag full of balls we don't know any of these questions because these are the ones that just haven't come out and as we always say jack and i never wanted to know what the questions from guests are going to be so we thought this is the perfect chance for us to get those guest questions into an episode still brilliant we owe it to our guests you guys are brilliant thank you me first yeah or do we all answer what it is.

46:34Yeah, we'll all answer it. But let us know who it's from. Just squeeze it in the middle. Pop it. Yeah, there we go. Fucking hell. Did they say who they're from? Yeah. So read the name first. Let us know who the guest is. Mo Farah. Oh, go on. If you had a superpower, what would it be and why? Great question, Mo. Thanks for writing in. Long time listener. First time caller. I love your stuff with corn. I love your athletic success. I like corn. You eat meat now. Yeah, I know, but you know. Do you still sometimes have a bit of corn? Yeah, I'd have a bit of corn if you want, yeah. No, not if we want, but you want.

47:11If you're forcing me, I'll eat it. When's the last time you had corn? About five years ago. Superpower, a very traditional question. I think we've probably covered before. I think we might have spoken about it, because I remember saying, like, I'd love the idea of flying, but I think flying only works well if you also get speed with it. Because if I'm flying at my walking pace, that's shit. Yeah, but we also did say, didn't we, if you could fly home from here, if you'd go as the crow flies because the crow's going to know which way it's going to be quicker because you're going to have no congestion.

47:40No it's not though because I'm going at what four miles an hour average walking speed. Oh yeah. I'm still having to go like 100 miles. Yeah. I think sometimes I like to read minds but then I think it'd fuck me up. You'd hate it. It would fuck me up. You'd get in your head way too quickly. Very very offended most of the time. Me? You said x-ray vision before didn't you but then the reality of that you said you wanted to do that so you could see tits but the idea was you'd never ever see tits again. You'd just see the bones. Yeah, that was really what we were going at. Invisibility? Quite good. What would you do with it?

48:14Go on, Robbie. Why are you smiling? I don't know. It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to be a pervert. Solve crime? How would you solve what? Which kind of means if you had the only thing stopping you from being a pervert is the fact you're being seen. I'm waiting in banks to stop bank robbers and to stop crimes in women's changing rooms our answer is Robbie wants to be invisible to look at this Robbie would pick Cure Cancer that's not a superhero I think that would be a fucking superb power but it's not a superpower why not well there's not Cure Cancer Man is there maybe there should be doctors are superheroes in a way That smile was so gross It's a horrible smile They didn't do your jaw well enough That smile properly Go on Robbie Thanks for the question Mo Farah I don't need to read mine Sorry, could you just tell me It's working I would Teleportation That's right You would never miss a flight again Robbie You would need to fly He teleports to Gatwick with a wrong one.

49:29This is from someone called... You're still doing YouTube videos if he has the power of teleportation. Yeah, I would do that. Imagine that. Can't drink in every country in one day. The airport pubs. Right. Talking of Drinky, this one's from someone called Bambino Becky. What the fuck? What the fuck? That way that you got that. Why is that weird? Because you're never, you're not far away from her. What? What? What? To the near... Okay, well, you're not going to like this anyway. so to the nearest hundred pound how much did Jack's teeth cost? I don't mind it eight grand five grand I'm going to say seven grand shall we find out exactly how much I paid for my teeth?

50:13I say five grand which by the way you look great mate thank you mate I've read that out of my mind literally been saying the opposite every day every all pod no I ain't we say things from the joke yeah that was a little joke to do with the smile So I wanted veneers. I wanted veneers. What did I get? I still can't believe you haven't taken legal action on that. No, no, I'm too busy. Cramps. I'm too busy. Doctor, I will tell you exactly. So what have we said? I've said 5k. Oh, no, we need to be the nearest 100, though. Yeah, well, we've all gone 1 ,000 apart anyway. All right, all right, all right.

50:46So I've gone five, you've gone... Seven. And you've gone eight. Okay. So bear in mind, I got 50 % off. Are you going to tell us... Because he knew there'd be shit. Yeah. As soon as you finish, you went, I'll give you, before you look in the mirror, I'll give you 50 % off.

51:06Right. So I've had, oh yeah. 50 % discount. Yeah. Right. How much do you think? Oh yeah. Go on. What'd you say? I said five total. What'd you say? Eight. Seven. Seven. You're all quite close. You're the closest, Robbie. Yes. 1 ,250 per tooth. What? How many did you have done? 10, I believe. Yeah, 10. So that's 12 ,050, although I got 50 % off plus VAT. It came to 6 ,300 pounds. Wow. Hmm. That's sad. I was trying to be nice and you made me laugh. No, you did. You were going... Well, I hope that answered your question, Becky. There you go, Jack. Take a ball. That's mental when I'm reminded of that.

52:01Right. Fuck. That's a lot of money. That is a lot of money. That's fucking loads. I should have got what I paid for, shouldn't I? I should have got what I paid for. Imagine if you paid the 12 grand. Yeah, you'd be doubly, actually. Imagine if I... I'd probably look all right. So this is from Luke Tarrant. Oh, this is a really interesting one. What do you think is the best way to die? Great question, Luke. Just old age, surely. In your sleep. Nah, I don't think so, because I think... I see my granddad, he loves life. He does love life, but his knees are hurting him. He's in a lot of aching and pain.

52:38But he still loves life. He still wants to be alive, though. Don't smother your grandpa. His knees are achy, Robbie. Did you not hear? He's got a sore knee. He's dead. He literally loves life more than most people. I know, but I just think I'd be gutted if I couldn't play goals. Yeah, you'd take up golf or something, though. Yeah. Yeah. But wouldn't you be gutted if you knew you couldn't run? Yeah. No, you can't, though, at your knees, can you? That is terrifying, isn't it? Well, you really want to be 45, don't you? Yeah. It is quite good. Is it? Yeah. You don't play football or anything, do you?

53:12No, but I do exercise things. Do you not want to play football, though? No, not really. not everyone's desperate to play five aside by the way no one's like oh i'm getting to the age where i have to stop playing five aside i get what you're saying i play football with other people my age who have the same attitude towards it but so much of playing football is just dealing with knob heads after a while yeah and yeah and after a while that's the thing that's boring rather than football thing i could physically go and kick a football around without without my hip Shattering You'll be pleased to know I do sports What age are you hoping To still be playing At Saxon till?

53:52I don't know about them But I want to be playing Higher level than that At least I don't think you're going up But you're not going up No but you The good thing is You get in like How old are you? 31? 32 You're only three years away From vets football I'm going to do vets football No I'm pissed at that And then you're like The tricky winger It's like I've done a little bit Of a team So I'm not fast But I was like Dancing through the midfield It's like a reset button. You're still quite fast as well. It's like New Game Plus on a computer game. I think I'll be rapid at 35. Yeah, you will be. I'm quicker now than I was in my early 20s.

54:24Are you? Yeah, I think I'll be... I'm going to try and keep my pace. We'll join a team together. Okay. Yeah. Can you imagine you in the centre mid putting me in? Yeah, but the issue here... Just buy some old Barca. Because you get some 60-year-old goes and stuff playing. But Alfie doesn't get in Vets League for a few years after us. Yeah. That's all right. So you'll be the old Barca who's running fast. I'll start training. Yeah. I'll start training now. Best way to die, I think it would be in a way that makes you remembered for it. Oh, fucking hell. Like what? Like a bag over the head wanking.

54:55I'd remember that. I would remember that massively. How did Jack die? I remember. Oh, yeah, that's right. I will never forget that. We walked to that studio that day, didn't we? What if you were in a famous airline disaster? Yeah, but you don't remember. No. Okay. If there's like 200 people on that plane, do you remember them all? You just remember the air? That sounds an absolutely dreadful way to die that would be traumatic for your family. Yeah, but if I died on a plane 200 randomers, I'm probably going to get my name checked on the news, aren't I? Why? Huh? Why? I'm known. That's gross. What do you think they'll say?

55:28199 civilians and Jack Dean died in a plane crash. What if there's... When you were going, though, if you see it hurtling... Cal Freezy's on the phone, fuck. Yeah, you just look through the curtain and there's, like, some bloke off the chase. And you're like, oh, fuck. I'm getting nothing I'm saying in my sleep at any age it's going to be the nicest way to die no but he said the best way to die so I'm thinking of the death specifically not how long I've lived for I'm just saying in my sleep okay I'm going in a famous event okay two different angles here best for me best for everyone who knows me yeah like best for me might be little brain aneurysm drop dead right done might be distressing if that happens to be a family, they might want more of a build-up to say goodbye to me.

56:14Yeah, right. On a personal level, you don't know you're dying. It's like, all right, it'll work. So your family want you to have like a terminal illness? No, I think they'd like a little bit of a cheerio-geese. A warning. Bye-bye, Pigwidgeon. Salud, salud. Yeah. I've not asked them. It's not imminent, hopefully. What I would like, right, is like these aliens come down and they're like, if one person needs to sacrifice themselves or we're blowing up the world, And I go, I'll do it. I don't think you would. And then I'm walking up to being sacrificed. Well done, you. I don't think you'd do it. No, but what's the dead?

56:51You've missed out the bit of how you die. Chopped my head off. Oh, right, okay. So what if they say the method is stabbing? Where? Just repeatedly in the chest. But like all over the chest. They're not that accurate. Does anyone else fancy this? Yeah. I have offered, and that's fair play. I have offered. What you said, you want to be a hero, but you didn't really answer the question with a message of death. And like, I think when you get out there and there's a guillotine, you're going to be like, oh no. What about like, what about like saving someone from, I don't know, someone's about to get killed and you like get in the way.

57:31Yeah, but what, how are you, getting in the way of what? That's quite good, getting in the way of a bullet, jumping in front of a bullet. That'd be cool. Yeah, dying while saving someone's life. if you get instantly killed it is if you just like bleed out would you be like like next pod fucking hell like he was so brave okay he was a hero I think we would be pretty good yeah because honestly have my picture by De Canio yeah well near it but yeah not in there we'd melt that for views as well yeah a million percent I'd be doing videos of my channel just about it yeah I'd actually please do that yeah it'd take a 500 pound melon to your fucking funeral put an ad in mate yeah put an ad in yeah Yeah.

58:09Surf shark. The guns. Yeah. Is that Smith and Wesson? I've got a proposal for you. Okay, next question is from William Hanson. Okay. Oh, lovely. And he's asked a very well-known question of, name three dinner party guests dead or alive. Rattle them off. Rattle them off. Dream party guests. Who do you like? This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen. Snacks. A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step.

58:53Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. Dinner party guests, Dinner party guests. Well, do I have to spend all the evening with them, do I? Yeah. A dinner party, yeah.

59:27Robbie, what were you eating? Can I go first? Because I've got the correct answer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, do it. Right, so what everyone does is they pick all that really great people. They go, I want to be with Gandhi and Bruce Springsteen and Jesus and all that. But I'll tell you what's going to happen. If I'm at dinner with them, none of those cunts are going to talk to me. No. they'll be like oh Gandhi Jesus what's it like Gandhi's going oh this and they'll be chatting into the night I'm going to be doing the washing up and I'm going to hear them swapping each other's numbers and should we go to the pub down the road I didn't tell him it'd be horrible yeah I want to meet someone famous you've got to have something interesting there but I'd invite Bev my wife nice I'm not just saying actually my wife and I'm trying to be oh there's thinking here I'd invite Rob McKelleny and his wife Kate Nelson right they're going to be bored of talking to each other because they've been married for a long time as well they're going to want to talk to us.

1:00:18So there, that's the dynamic. You've got to think about the dynamic of it. You're just going to befriend Rob McElhenney. And his wife. Yeah, but she's going to gravitate more towards Bev you'd imagine, girls having dinner, having brunch. I think I'm friends with men and women. Right. I think it'd be fine. But I think you've got to think about the dynamic of the group. Okay, I like your style. I like your style, Stevie. Buble. Yep. So boring. Hugh Jackman. Yep. Sexy guys then, yeah? Yeah. Beckham. They will not. That's the most basic thing. I was just trying to... I only said, as soon as you said sexy guys, I was the first sexy guy that came into my head was Beckham.

1:01:01The only conversation directed your way is going to be can you pass the potatoes? Yeah, but this is a dream thing. That's the whole point. You're making your shit and depressing. Like, oh, no one wants to talk to me. It's a dream dinner party where everyone's having friends. I'll let Bev know that you think a dinner party with her is shit and depressing. Well, you're the one going, no one wants to talk to me, so I have to take Bev. No, I'm taking Bev because then that's for the dynamic. You don't worry about the dynamic. It's a dream. You're all having a great time together. That's why I host...

1:01:25William Hansen would appreciate that. I'd go... I'd want a footballer because I idolise them, but I'd want someone who's got a bit about them, right? So it's a cliche answer. Jerry Barton. I'd probably go like Gaza Dicanio Next Mussolini Sorry? No it's just Who do you play for? Middlesbrough In the noise So I'd go Gaza I'd go I don't know I'm just picking one at random I'd go like a rock star Let's go Liam Gallagher He's in the news at the minute Let's go Liam I've probably got a lot of stories. Such a good one. And then, and then finally I'd go for, um, someone who's smart can tell me a bit. Brian Cox.

1:02:18About that in there. That's a great, Brian Cox is brilliant. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'd choose Brian Cox. And ask him about the universe. He's at my party. How many more do I get? Two more. Can I just come to yours? Yeah. You can come to mine if you want. He's got the four table. He's got the four seats. Yeah. Yeah, but I'll fuck Gazer off. Okay, Gazer. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, cheers. Alfie's done then can't Stevie I come yes and I you can come alright who are you bidding off Liam really I might not go I kind of wanted to meet Liam if Alfie's not going I'm not coming I've told them they can't come at the moment it's just me Steve you can come now so I'll fuck Brian off I don't need to but I just will are they gone Do you want to go for dinner?

1:03:06Yeah. Our dream goes that we go for a meal together. Okay, there you go. William Hansen, I've got a friend who's quite close to him, and she says she's been around for dinner parties at his house, and he has a book whenever he has a dinner party, and he writes down who was there and what he served so that he never has the same combination and the same food served to people. Phenomenal. That is amazing. Phenomenal. What a man. I'd love to have dinner parties. I just don't know anyone who will come around my house for dinner. Well, we come to yours for a Christmas roast last year. Can we do it again?

1:03:37Yeah. Yeah. All right. Can we? Yeah, I'd love to. What meat? What do you want? I think I let you choose last time, didn't I? Did we have all the meats last time or something? All the meats. Yeah, we'll be there. All right. But can you do something rogue with it as well? Fuck the turkey. He said rogue. What do you want rogue? I don't know. I just want to see you add your little Knox twist. Do you know what I like to do as well, in general? I like to have dinner parties before I pair friends that I think we get along together like that. Oh. Not for this. no one's going to get along with you guys no outsiders welcome to this that's the sort of stuff I like what's the next question Alfie what's your favourite joke of all time by window kid what's the favourite joke window kid's done hmm it's a lot do you have a favourite joke of all time I think I'm going to change it a little bit if you haven't been banging on about it I think John Kern's stand up special is the best bit of stand up I've ever seen I'm going to say that I haven't watched a full stand-up thing for years I watched I watched John Cairns because you told me to Who was the fellow I watched the other day?

1:04:42This is well boring Did you see the Theo Von stuff recently? No I heard about it Yeah, apparently his Netflix special It was bombing And a lot of people online are worried about his relapsing And stuff like that Apparently he had to keep going off stage And ask him for the punchlines And stuff like that he was genuinely going to be one of my guests really? yeah now I feel bad sorry you went to Jack's anyway yeah best joke of all time who's yours? I don't know I'm trying to think of things I saw live that made me the most I've ever laughed at a stand-up was when I went and saw Stephen Merchant live and I was almost weeing myself well he's bringing comedy he's coming back he's bringing comedy back is he?

1:05:27coming back? yeah he's doing stand-up yeah I'd want to see it again because he was just incredible. Yeah. But the best joke, is there a best joke ever? There's things that I've, I mean, this is some of my favourite, my two favourite jokes are probably from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, okay. If that, yeah. If that counts. I won't do the whole thing, but the, the bit where, after he's, for those who watched it, the bit where he tells, where he's told his neighbour that his son's got a big penis and he's in the car on the way back with his wife, that there. and the other is it took a room yeah i was like yeah he's basically his wife is he's he's basically at a party he sees this kid um he sees this this kid walking by those kids walking around naked it's like a pool party sort of thing like that and he goes oh it's a really impressive penis your son's got he's like what yes he's got a big penis yes and this guy gets really offended he's going that's a good thing like i'm complimenting him and there's and they go obviously get kicked out of the party and then in the car and his wife's like furious with him just driving back they go just why I don't understand why would you say that and he just goes I took a risk and it's just that calculation that I make every day can I say it it's such a good thing and the other one is Marty Funkhouse's joke in that same thing to Jerry Seinfeld when they're doing the I won't do but it's a very long it's a long long day but it's I've never seen a single bit of it I've never seen it's unreal it's so good what's yours Alf i don't know well actually like a joke like a christmas cracker joke or like with a punchline if a christmas cracker joke is your top of all i don't know if he meant like why the chicken cross the road or whatever yeah he probably does mean that but i think we've just twisted it out a little bit yeah well one thing i really love you know um in bo burnham's inside yeah you know in the song white woman's instagram yeah i love the bit when he so the whole song is about taking the piss out of this woman who's posting cringy stereotypical white women things on instagram so there's like um labrador in the snow uh fluffy socks um stuff like that and then halfway through it just switches up and um he talks about how she's posted a photo of a mom that's been passed away for 10 years and i just really like it because it's like you're just laughing at this like make-believe woman for posting all these cringy things and then all of a sudden it's like it just humanises the person you're taking the piss out of and yeah not funny though but it is a joke it's not a joke he didn't say the funniest joke, he said favourite didn't he so that's up there maybe something, just probably The Office or Peep show something in The Office or Peep show just like the first things I watched I was like, I like that fair enough next question Mr Robson these are fun actually You should have had the bulging fix at some point before you switched it up.

1:08:18Yeah, great little feature. Yeah. Okay, this is from Jamie of Sorted Food. Nice. What's your biggest cooking disaster? I think that's cooking, isn't it? Yeah, cooking disaster. 1-0. It looks like... Yeah. Coking. Coking. Coking. It was a really joke. No, it didn't look like that. It looks like... No, but with only 1-0, it would be coking. Either way, what's your biggest cooking disaster? That's not the best joke of all time. We can crush off that one. Because cooking disaster. I've had a baddie. It's not cooking, but it's to do with a cooking utensil. What the fuck have you been doing? Genuinely, when I was...

1:09:01I don't know, I can't believe... I must have told this on the pod over the years. You put a whisk in your mouth? No. What? What are you on about? I just thought you'd told me that before. I had never put a whisk in my mouth. Don't be telling the world that. So you have? I haven't. Have you? No, I've never whisked. I've never whisked. You've never whisked? I've never whisked, sorry. You've never whisked in your life? I've never whisked. I've beat. I've never whisked. You've beat what? Like eggs or like... I don't think I've ever whisked. I've whisked. What would I have? Maybe in food years ago, I had a lot of disasters.

1:09:35A teacher bullied me and I actually got bullied by the teacher and they said I could leave the class. So there's that. About 10 years ago, I whisked a beautiful woman off of her feet. Who? V? Yeah, Fiona. Who else would it be, you fucking idiot? Here you go. What was your disaster? So I was living with two guys. We used to go out every weekend. This was probably just before I met you guys. It was a long time ago. And I lived in a block of flats and we were doing pre-drinks in the kitchen. You would have been hating that. No, I used to... Was I? I probably would have been lying to myself. I used to do that a lot.

1:10:23And I was leaning up against a hob, just chilling with my drink, whatever. And then my mate irons his shirt, puts it on top of the cooker, right? And I go out. We all go out. Walk into town. Halfway, I'm like, shit, I forgot my wallet. I run back into the house to get my wallet. this was like 20 minutes later I have accidentally turned the hob on and the iron is on the hob and it is on fire fuck off like actually on fire and like melting I'm like I'm already sort of like a bit pissed I'm like fuck fuck fuck they come in chuck it in the sink just turn the sink on like I can't even remember but somehow we got it um to go you cooked an iron mate if I had not forgot my wallet that whole it was a block of flats fucking hell I would have fucking gone to jail and killed loads of people.

1:11:17So thank God I'm forgetting. That is a cooking disaster. Yeah, that is. A little bit of cooking in iron. Yeah, I don't think any of us can compete with that. I wasn't personally the person who did it, but I was involved in one when I lived in Vancouver where one of my housemates, he was British, and he wanted to make a curry, and he bought some curry paste. But he was used to curry paste in British food markets because of some local Indian shop or something where it was super strong curry paste, but didn't know and used them out and he would normally sort of slap a couple of big spoons into this thing.

1:11:50And it was just like, it just burnt your eyes. We had to get out of the house. It was like when there's a fire, you had to crawl on the floor to get away from this. It was horrendous. We had to go out of the house for ages. It was like stinging your eyes being in this place, this thing. You had to turn it off and get out. It was unbelievable. Shit. Mine's probably, I saw a cool cooking thing online where it was like you can make a lasagna. I might have told this on air actually, but instead of, cheese you can use bacon that's so yes that is so red sauce pasta bacon it's meat cheese meat cheese meat bacon no you should not instead of the cheese instead of the pasta using bacon sorry instead of the pasta right okay oh so still with mints yeah still with mints lovely yeah and then i was eating it this is fucking vile but i was eating it it came out looked amazing i had a bacon crown on the top of it biting into it right and i was like probably about three bites in thinking like maybe maybe it had like one layer of pasta sheet or something i can't remember but i remember thinking like fuck me like this pasta is not cooked it's not cooked and then um on my third bite i looked and the bacon on the i obviously hadn't put it in long enough but the bacon on the top was really crown and brown and crispy but as it went round into the raw bacon it was raw bacon yeah that's awful were you so disappointed i was disappointed yeah did you put it back in or that's done now isn't it yeah yeah it's sad when people who make bacon lasagnas don't properly test their recipes isn't it across anyone now that was when i was going for a stage of trying to make new stuff.

1:13:33Did it throw you off a bit? No, it threw me off. Do you still cook? I did say, yeah. So, no. I don't, so it's not, you know, I never, ever cook. I tried to do the thing where you get, like, loads of Doritos and you crunch them up in a bag loads and then you get chicken and then you coat them and then you put them on, but it just fell off and then I just had a little chicken breast and then burnt it. Did you do anything to make it, you put like a, that's where you can beat an egg, or whisk an egg, and then you can put the chicken in that and then it'll help it stick. You live and learn, Robbie.

1:14:02I'm still waiting to learn. You live, don't you? You're bloody living. Oh, boy, is he living. We've got so many questions left, by the way. Okay, we can do another one of these at some point. Get the ball machine back, get more questions. This is from Hugh Harris from the Kooks. Lovely, lovely man. If you were a dessert, how would I eat you? Oh, fucking hell. Hugh Harris. Very raunchy, Hugh. Very raunchy. Hugh Harris wants to eat us. i think i'd be a lot of cream yeah okay why i think i'd be a thick cream and how would he eat it spoon right into gob yeah but what so how's he just spooning you out i'm a blancmange is what i'm saying lovely i'm a blancmange there's no rhyme or reason behind that that's just what i am i can't think of any desserts i'll be a banana split yeah you can eat banana first I don't know maybe a cheesecake yeah you're a cheesecake yeah you are yeah you so are I'd want to be a milkshake yeah and you can suck me up okay that's okay I'll be a little just a little mousse just pop me in in one choccy okay there we go there we go interesting question hard to answer raunchy it was a bit yeah the next question is from good that we managed to get through that one quicker though yes why the next question is from Tom Aspinall oh fighter fighty where is the fighter fighter fighty where's the strangest place you've had a poo strangest place you've had a poo I think let's get mine out there nice and easy bish bash bosh sleeping bag uh cover and then I launched it we know that story let's move on Robbie Newcastle it's up there isn't it it is up there literally North strangest place what's weird about having a poo somewhere well come on Stevie depends where you I mean if you've been something unusual and you need to go to the toilet I was doing ones really close to coming on stage on the tour were ya and like as I got more relaxed I would be like so sometimes in the toilets you can hear the show going on they have like a PA in there I'm like my bit's coming up in like two minutes I ain't wiped is that why you always stuck I'm fucking miked up I ain't wiped is that why you always stank on stage yeah I stank as shit mate I did not have time to wipe he did not have a bear costume no that was shit that was shit I was covered in shit yeah um yeah who wants Alfie who wants yeah Zena's not gonna answer it then I don't think of a weird I've never had a shit.

1:16:51I'm perfect. Oh, I missed a clean. I don't think even perfect. Where have you been? Where have I been? Hull? That was... Say that then. Same joke as mine. Yeah. Well, you said where have I been? Cheesier? You went to Chinesia. Chinesia. Did you do a poo when you were there? Yeah. That's weird then, isn't it? Yeah. That's unusual. Yeah. This is from Sorted Food. Oh, the other. I can't remember who the first one was. Jamie, this one's Ben. Yeah. After a long day at work, you come home and want to eat what? These bloody guys are raunchy, aren't they? Christ alive What are you wanting to eat? He's a food guy Ass is what they're trying to say, isn't it?

1:17:27Ass I don't think they were I've watched quite a lot of their content and I've never seen that There was a dot, dot, dot after I want to eat No, that's me to answer though Yeah That feels like what's your comfort food, doesn't it? Can I give you a bit of a sad answer? Oh no Okay, yeah No, you can, of course And this is not a woe is me This is just a little story when my mum and dad broke up right and my dad was between places he would pick he would get me and my sister right and he would take us to Deerham Road of all places you still live there you live there yeah very near where you used to live in particular do you remember where the KFC used to be on Deerham Road or was that a bit pre-Alphie I know exactly I've been there bargain bucket there yeah he would take me there right and I remember maybe this happened two or three times we'd walk from where he was staying at the time to there and it always seemed to be rainy maybe it was that time of year right and i would get a boneless banquet i think it was the first time i ever had a boneless banquet so it's three tenders some popcorn chicken some baked beans and some fries right and now whenever i'm feeling a bit sad right or the day's got a bit much or whatever and and particularly if it's rainy outside i like to indulge in that and just indulge in my sadness didn't you have a bonus banquet on the way home from happy hour yesterday yes i did and that was yeah i was sad yeah mate yeah now every time i see you eat a bonus banquet I'm going to think are you alright mate?

1:18:46Yeah So you said that Alfie said ass No no I don't You're never sad if you're eating ass I am I'm devastated What do you mean you're devastated? Don't do it then I don't I don't know where this is going What about you Stevie? Answer Jack Good answer Thank you I still I like a kebab way too much and I wish I didn't I really like a kebab But a long day at work you having a 5pm kebab? I don't do a long day at work but yeah well no wouldn't when we get home from happy i'd never get order a kebab that'd be a lot of effort wouldn't it yeah i like pizza i'd always love a pizza i think pizza's so good it's just good but i'm so easy as well weird isn't it are you not it's because you're eating us yeah i can't say ass ass um i another story i don't think i've told on here real quick i was on a shoot the other day right dominoes with a sponsor pizza and my word i have never eaten so much pizza in my life so like because it had to look obviously pristine it was an advert for dominoes they had i think 75 large dominoes pizzas how many people on the shoot stacked up right yeah it was because it was it was a whole thing it's like um perhaps a little bit wasteful yeah but um they needed the like each box for each scene to look exactly pristine okay and um that when we were leaving they were like please take some pizza like if you know anyone that wants some pizza just take it but i what one of the little scenes i had to do was sit there open the box read a question answer and then take a bite of this pizza so as i took a bite of this pizza they would cut and then they'd reset the pizza but i would have the pizza in my hand with one bit out and the the producer would come over and go do you want to finish that bit or should i get rid of it and i was like well don't get rid of it it's waste so you kept getting it wrong on purpose so so no i would have to take a bite regardless so then i would just eat the whole slice and then we'd do the next shot and i think i had a whole pizza there had a pizza on the other there and then i took free home with me never eaten so much pizza pizza i reckon i genuinely like all jokes aside i reckon i probably ate three and a half large pizza and i could not shit for the week really yeah yeah i once did 21 slices at the pizza hut buffet that's that's i respect that so much it was a competition when i was at uni against some guy and i've mentioned this on here before and he said he could eat a lot I thought I could beat him he was never in the game we went there psychologically my housemate Dave was training me and he went and got a bag of chips Dave did and ate most of the chips and gave me the bag with just a few left in so psychologically when the guy turned out he was like I was just polishing off a bag of chips oh that's good and then straight away just he managed 13 but I just kept going just kept going I love that and I've never felt worse than afterwards I was like I was pregnant I was lying there just like it felt dreadful what flavors do you do you change the toppings up or are you going low-quality I was mixing up the toppings I wasn't having fizzy drinks because the bubbles could fill you up just stick it with the water but you had to have a reasonable size you couldn't just have the really thin one just to get the buffet you had a reasonable size but right is the spice of life you can't have the same thing over and over again I literally do same what food would you have Robbie I don't know maybe like a roast dinner something like that something warming something like that beautiful pie and mash maybe made a really annoying noise down the mic for no reason that was really weird that was brilliant It sounds like a bird.

1:22:04Yeah, that's brilliant. That's my pizza noise. That's brilliant noise. Can't even do it now. You're summoning a pizza. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to read one out. That would be my superhero power. Pizza power. Summon a pizza. You can do that. Still Newbery. And I do do that. Yeah. Right, should we do two more? Let's have two more questions. This is from Ross Carson. Okay, from the traitors. What's the biggest word you can spell? Fucking banging question. Good question. Right. I'm sticking this little Stevie this in. Just be your one. And establishmentarianism, I feel like we could all spell that. I'll give it a go.

1:22:43Go on then. A-N-T-I-D. Tell me. Can't do it. No. D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H. I've just not listened to it. Establish. M-E-N-T Mentarian It's very It's very literal isn't it? It's very on the nose Yeah that's what I mean That's what Well I'm diagnosed dyslexia to be honest Do you? No you spell alright on WhatsApp That's because of water correct Tyrannosaurus Fee what was that thing I was buzzing about a couple of weeks back? Is it the world's longest word? No you remember when I went like that in bed and you went what? And I went I just spelt this first time It was a dog Four Four That's like I should like that I'm not getting old, son.

1:23:29Bit hot under the collar there. Are you nude? No, I'm always nude. Spelling nude. That's sexy. Yeah, I'm always naked. You are naked a lot. In bed. And around the house when you're watching women's football. Don't say women's football. You're the one who told us. I was watching the Lionesses and I happened to be hot. Women. Just downstairs was hot, wasn't it? You had your bum out, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, women's football. Fair enough. There's nothing wrong with that. There's literally nothing wrong with that. Supporting the women's game. Are you naked watching men's football? Sometimes yeah For women Oh this is when I was writing The hangman's wife story Do you remember on the podcast?

1:24:05That was ages ago Yeah So apparently I suddenly Did the snappy thing Because Fiona said What's up And I said I just spelt mischievous Without thinking I like without thinking It's impressive isn't it? Don't try and mug me off No no I'm saying I can't do it I can't do it mate I don't even know The first one First letter Can't do that You don't know The first letter V? What? V? What is it? Sorry? V? Say the word. Say the word. Mischievous. Yeah. So what does that start with? V? What the fuck? Are you joking? Are you taking a piss? Oh, fucking me. I'm a goat, aren't I? What a fucking legend. Fucking mischievous start with V.

1:24:45You're a fucking idiot. Yeah. I like how we all believed you. Yeah, that's so good on you. That's really offensive and terrifying. Is this the final one? Yeah, final.

1:25:02Is this a riddle? Nope. 25. 48. 504.

1:25:13189. 5 ,000. That's not a word. 119 letters long. That's shit. It's not a word. It's not in the dictionary, is it? Yeah, it's not in the dictionary, because that would be the dictionary. next last question what is the word? don't need to know do we? it's a chemical competition it's the largest known protein whoever came up with that yeah that's what I mean well you can't read it because it's 189 ,000 letters long it takes three and a half hours nah we're alright thanks three and a half hours to read it yeah some pretentious fuckers come up with that okay final question what have we got Jack? final one is from Grace Neutral oh nice absolute legend See, we do have women on.

1:25:56One question. Oh, this is good. Okay. Robbie, you don't have any tattoos, do you? No, I do not. So maybe you could answer on behalf of us three, right? Okay. If Jack, Stevie and Alfie's tattoos were scratch and sniff, what scent would they be? Your chest would be shit. Do not say curry. Okay. Because you'll get cancelled, mate. I won't. So I got there before you because you were, I guess. I wasn't going to smell it. I thought he was going to say that. I said chocolate. No, I don't know. I don't understand. What would they be? What would I smell like? No, no, because it's scratch. So she's saying, like, you look at the tattoo and you go, that tattoo would smell like this.

1:26:41Charlotte, that's your tattoo. My chest tattoo. Pick one and I'll tell you what it is. Well, that's shit, isn't it? That one there. Jesus Christ. That would take, it looks a bit faded. it would be it would be it would be like you know when you buy like really cheap chicken nuggets it would be like that okay do you know what I mean really cheap but the quality of the meat is not there oh no okay I'd like you to tell me what my lad baby tattoo smells like give that a scratch I don't have hair that high up my leg I'm a hairy man yeah you got a bush ain't you boy I can tell Capri Sun Capri Sun yeah A bit artificial, but not unpleasant.

1:27:24Okay. Okay. And Al? I can do my little woman. Oh, I was looking at that one. You do this one then. It's a leaf. Well, I think that'll be sort of herbal, perhaps. Yeah. I thought you'd smell a bit like weed. No. No, you don't. But you just, that aura. Them tattoos are like weedy tattoos. Are they? Yeah. Weed smells a bit like piss, though. Jesus Christ. Weed smells a bit like piss, doesn't it? No, weed smells a bit like Peroni. Piss. Yeah. There we go. That's enough questions for today on this 600th special. Thanks for joining me, gents, as always. Thanks. Cheers. If you want, I can give you another little rendition of titties.

1:28:02No, we're all right. We're all good, thank you, mate. Are you sure? Keep your weird porn to yourself. Yeah. Not porn. Baby's book. Don't send me your pictures from inside later. Don't do that. Got you. I got you, brother. There we go. This has been Jack Mates Happy Hour podcast. the 6th 100th special. Thanks for joining us, all the listeners. We don't say thank you enough, but thank you. Do appreciate you. I like that you said 6th 100th. This is the 6th 100th episode we've done, which it is in a way. It is in a way. Thanks for joining us along the way. Here's to many, many more. Will we hit 700?

1:28:35Yeah. I don't think we... We don't hit 700. Someone's got... It's a year. All right. Will we hit 750? 750 is... We don't do 700. 750 is the next one. Yeah. we'll see you for the 750 episode we'll probably do 601 602 and everything right but we're not going to do a special for 700 yeah fair enough maybe we'll hit 1000 one day that'll be mad that would be the big that's worth that would be the biggest special ever should we make a quick little prediction what we could do for the 1000 yeah what can we do I think it has to be a very long episode do we do it somewhere else Isle of Nui yeah that's great I was looking into Isle of Nui the other day were you yeah fucking hard to get to only one airline Mine flies there and it's from New Zealand.

1:29:16Yep, that sounds bleak enough. I'll be there. Be there, lads. As I'm about to get on a flight where I haven't got any meals on an 11-hour flight to South Africa, I'm very, very, very keen. There you go. Thanks for listening, guys. We'll see you in 6.01. Thanks for 600 fun hours. I should be thanking us, really, but you're welcome as well. Thank us. Thank us. Thank us. Maybe do a Reddit post, just so. I know Jack was a bit down about his skin and that, but he was actually looking quite handsome. Yeah. Yeah. He hasn't put on weight. He hasn't. Let's go get you a KFC, mate. Thanks, Dad.

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