603 - HAPPY HOURWEEN I - Forever, A Drug

0:00Hello, happy hour listeners. We've got some bloody good news for you. It's me, Robbie and Stevie. I say good news, terrible news, if you hate us. Because we are doing Happy Hourween again this year. Last few years it's been a big bumper Halloween special. That's still coming. You're still getting that. That's on Friday, right? But before that, what are we doing, Robbie? Oh, four days of Halloween. Happy Hourween. You've said it right. That's the first time. We're doing a spooky episode every single day, starting on Monday the 27th, 28th, 29th, 30th, and then leading up to the bumper special, when we will be in full costume as always, on the Friday.

0:40So every day we are going to be doing an episode. Just a spooky story, aren't we? They are spooky. They're very, very spooky. Yeah. Look forward to that. More episodes for free for no reason. They're going to shit themselves.

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2:40If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who are you going to call? Ghostbust for Happy Hour. We're not the Ghostbusters, are we, mate? Happy Hour! I like how you're switched on, Robbie. You're in the fucking game. Welcome, guys. It's Happy Hourween. It's main show Monday, but it's a little bit different. Today's not going to be the last you hear of us until Thursday. We've got one of these coming every single fucking day this week. I'm talking Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. We're calling it Happy Hourween, and it's five days of spooky, spooky fun time. I don't think I've ever had Robbie on this side of the table with me.

3:17No, I don't really know where to look or what happens. Yeah, no, it's... I don't know whether to look at you or... I'll look at you. Yeah. What the fuck have you got going on over there? I'm in Halloween mode. I've got the Capybura t-shirt you bought me last year. Yeah. And I've got a nice headband on. Right. What's going on with your hair? It's just long. I don't think it's up to you to say whether that's nice or not. Is it nice? I'm in the Halloween spirit. You two haven't put any effort in. I am. I've got a cold. What does that mean? oh yeah it's not great yeah no i'm feeling good i'm i'm feeling all right boys i'm feeling all right the reason i'm on this side of the table is every day this week up until our halloween special that's coming out this friday we're going to be telling a spooky story in each episode taken from a subreddit somewhere on the internet reddit yeah no no sleepers is is where i look subreddit from facebook but we're doing like big so before where we've done like robbie's creepy library and it's like one story yeah uh multiple stories we've we've gone for one spooky story yeah one big spooky story monday tuesday wednesday and thursday episodes will be a bit shorter before a big bumper one but you're getting four episodes in place of one if anyone moans about the duration you're a rat chenice you're a rat is your niece i don't know that is a thing yeah it's your mouth is moving a lot like a rat it's that thing that's um that the guy who did the two plus two is four minus one that's free quick maths.

4:42Have I got a cold or a stroke? I think I'm having a stroke. That's the same guy. Oh, is it? Yeah. I'm like, I'll whip it. I think. Is that a different guy? I don't know. I have no idea what any of you are doing. What's your story, Jack? Right, so today, Monday, we are starting it with a story that's called... Boris Johnson, man. That is scary. It's called Forever a Drug, but before that, would you guys like to see the little monster in my pants? yeah about time it's finally come through guys you haven't got a monster brand deal this is a monster brand deal four and a half mil worth paid me have they?

5:22or just a 400 mil drink yeah 400 mil drink it's got like exoplasm on it what is all that? what have you done to your monster can? I don't know what that is no still not come through that brand deal but anyway we kick today off isn't that in their interest not to give you a brand deal if you're going to keep playing it anyway they're not giving it to me I'll just keep I'll keep giving them promotion I keep mentioning them every single week well we discuss this a lot shall I start shall I start sagging it off then yeah monsters rank yeah tastes like piss you'd never catch me doing a monster brand deal what did you say your story was called forever a drug is it going to be a joke one you always turn to drugs in these episodes on my life I have not written any of these do you think i've put that much effort in no no right right i don't think he's even read it have you read it you have you must have read you had to proofread it make sure it's good enough to tell i started reading it and thought this is good i kind of don't want to spoil it for myself oh okay i have actually done that too oh my god the end of this is gonna be so shit but it's got loads of upvotes on reddit so it must be good to be fair to be fair because i know um a lot of the internet does take things I say very literal and very serious.

6:42I have actually read it. I think I've probably not read the last three paragraphs. So if it all falls off in the last three, I've had a stinker. But I've read a lot of it and it was giving me the chillies. It was spooking me. I think the theme of this, because let's get this clarified from the start. I think these stories are going to be more spooky than they are funny, if you know what I mean. We're not going down the Robbie's Creepy Library route so much this time. We'll bring back a Robbie's Creepy Library maybe in November or December. Yeah, we will. We're going full Happy Hourween. Yeah, but feel free to do your usual sort of little murmurings and commentary as I go on.

7:15Yes, we know they're not. What? I just don't understand what's happening. Feel free to do your little murmurings. Yeah, just chat a pin. Just speak. You don't want to complete silence. Yeah, we're still allowed to pod during your story. Podding, podding. Right, should we kick it off? Please. Forever a drug. Want to get hired tonight? Scott was bordering on junkie status and I was always wary about spending time with him normally in the filthy apartment of some dealer friend while he shot up. So that's big drugs, isn't it? I didn't know what was part of the story. No, no, all right, I won't talk.

7:52No, I'll talk. You have to talk. Okay, so he's doing heroin. He's doing big drugs. It seemed like he was bordering on a collapse and I was scared of doing the same. I don't know, what are you thinking? On the other hand, I had been despondent since breaking up with Ruth. Maybe something to take my mind off the pain would help. I knew she was better off without me. I was just holding her back. Meet me at Jared's, he said. Jared's? Jared's in Norwich. What's the awful thing? Jared's department store? Or Jared Bowen's? Jared's. Jared Bowen's. Yeah, not Jared Bowen's. I don't think Jared Bowen does smack.

8:25Maybe he sells it. You don't think. He pretty certainly doesn't do smack. I think we'd know. Maybe that's why you're so good at footy. I don't think that's how it works. Fucking hell, the footballers are a bit mad. You'd play carefree, though, wouldn't you, if you're on smack? I don't really know. Surely can't and armister. Yeah, but I think you just want more smack. I think it'd be all right. Like, by halftime, I think you just want more smack. Yeah, when we were walking through Vegas, I wasn't looking at people thinking they'd be class at football. No, true. But you can't rule it out. Meet me at Jared's, he said.

8:57I want to try something new. This made me feel a little better. Jared was probably the nicest dealer Scott knew. How have you found a drug story? How have you found this? I just... What do you mean, how have I found it? Did you, like, Google, give me a no-sleep scary story? No, I went on no-sleep and looked at the highest rated ones, and this one happens to be up there. So, as he said, Jared was probably the nicest dealer Scott knew, and his stuff was generally well-sourced. Plus, his apartment was at least somewhat clean. Yeah, you know I don't fuck with needles. Yeah, man, it's fine. Nothing like that.

9:31I showed up at eight with three beers in my system that had failed to calm the nervous energy I was feeling. Whatever it was, it's going to be fine. Jared was happy to see me and poured me a whiskey. I felt a little weird and sat down at the table. He put three black pills down in front of me. I got this from a trusted contact overseas, he began. Said it's like nothing else, he smiled. Can I ask a question? Yeah. I don't know much about drug dealers. Yeah. Don't have a drug dealer. right do you normally go to their house hmm have you got any friends who know who have told you you can go to I have heard you can go to the house go to a drug dealer's house surely that's surely that's that's not good like good drug dealing I mean I'm not a drug dealer if I was I'd probably not let people know where I live why would you do your drug dealings if you were Robbie uh woods fucking hell that's creepy from woods from woods get drunk

10:31when i was um in sixth form yeah uh i had a friend called mac bean yeah yeah we've heard of him one wanted to buy cannabis a few times turns out hates it but weirdly went for an experimental stage um went to mac bean told me that they went to um a guy's hat the guy's house to do it yeah um but went probably four times in the space of two weeks right and then on the fourth time mac bean told me that the guy told me to come in the house what was mac been doing the first three times just that door at the door it was you to go in the house why did that been why did the guys say get jack to come in the house to mac bean so mac bean went in the house right guy was on the sofa dealer guy yeah um mac bean sat next to him guy was like getting him to smoke the stuff there yeah what what mac bean smoke with drug dealer yeah mac bean didn't want to be there and then why did he want mac bean to smoke the stuff to show he wasn't a fed i thought dealers didn't do their own stuff that was a high end well well Well, dealer started getting all weird.

11:50In what way? Like sexy weird. Mac Bean must have been about my age at the time, right? As in the age you were. Mac Bean was 30. No, Mac Bean was the same age I was then. Right. How old was that? 18. Okay, right. How old's a drug dealer? Probably about 40. Weird, weird. And drug dealer started hallucinating. What? Because drug dealer was on mushrooms as well. I think drug dealers have broken one of the few rules I know about drug dealing, which is that they don't get high in your supply. Yeah. Maybe it wasn't his supply. Maybe he bought that off a different dealer. In the woods. In the woods. And drug dealer.

12:29I've never told this one. Drug dealers took Mac Bean. Out of the arse. I cannot believe I never thought this. took mac bean upstairs what the fuck right and showed him showed him showed him this wooden chair that he'd made right and he made he made me buy it what do you mean me you wore mac bean did you go mac bean was there Mac Bean was there but Jack Dean bought the chair I was scared you can have this cannabis for however much how much is a chair I don't know about 20 quid it was a good chair no I didn't want Mac Bean didn't want the chair have you still got the chair has Mac Bean got the chair no so I got Mac Bean Mac Bean took the chair gave the money Mac Bean had no money to buy chairs no because he could spend all on cannabis yeah left With the chair?

13:40Yeah, and then Mac Bean wanted my granddad to pick him up. Yeah. Mac Bean got your granddad, not his own. But I didn't want to explain where Mac Bean got a chair from. So I just put it in a park. I walked down the road and just put it in a park and then got Mac Bean. I feel a bit sad for the drug dealer. He's just gone out to the park to walk his dog. And he's like, oh. Walk his mushroom. Yeah, he's like, oh, that's a bit sad. I put it in a bush, though. it'd be hard to find it mind you that's where drug drug people go that's where robbie's heart is i don't need a chair to sell while i'm doing my drugs in the woods right that was funny okay yeah good good mac bean story that was a funny five right okay so so he ran this geezers uh and he's put three black pills in front of him uh he says i get this from a trusted uh contact overseas uh said it's like nothing else he smiled uh thought the three of us could test drive it before I put in an order.

14:38See if it's really worth it. This stuff is called Forever. Oh. Right, so it's called, the story's called Forever a Drug. Scott laughed and downed a pill. Jared and I followed suit. I sat down and stared at the TV, waited for it to kick in. It was fine. Felt really mellow and sort of like the room and me with it was stretching in a weird way. We all wound up falling asleep. I woke up the next day feeling fine and we parted ways. No big deal, certainly nothing life-changing. years past i never left town never really did anything could never kick smoking cigarettes either wasn't a surprise that when the doc told me that the blood i was coughing up was cancer fucking hell maybe i hadn't read as much as i thought you found like the worst one you could possibly read yeah uh shit too late to do anything i was alone when I took my last breath.

15:32I woke up, back in Jared's apartment, sun steaming through the window. What the fuck? A footballer. Bash! Alright mate, don't do drugs! Jared's in there, sun's just come through the window. Now we're having some pills in his mouth. Oh, um, had I hallucinated an entire sad life? What was that drug? I mumbled something at Jared and Scott and walked outside. What a weird dream. I decided I could do more. Maybe that was a wake up call. I applied for a, when he says I do more, he means in life. Not more drugs. I've done nothing for years. I applied to a job I didn't think I was qualified for and I got it.

16:16I stopped screwing around. I quit smoking, married a nice girl, had a kid who loved to play ball outside. He didn't even see the truck coming the next day. He chased his ball into the street, but I did. Probably never moved that fast in my life fast enough to push him out of the way not fast enough to get myself out of the way of the truck oh well what a way to go protecting someone you love bang

16:41oh well never mind i'm gonna die what a way to go though i was really worried for a second there that was gonna be like one of robbie's child death stories yeah oh yeah you loved all that no i just they were just in the library right you've got to specify what sort of books you from Robbie's creepy library. What, instead of fiction or non-fiction, child death or non-child death? Yeah. They're in categories. A lot of the ones that are in non-child death also have child death in them. Because it's not very well organised, the library. You don't put the books back in the right bit. Yeah, oh, okay.

17:13That's a nightmare when you go home and go, this one's child-fifriendly. It's child-fifriendly. He's been hit by... No. He's been hit by a truck. What way to go? Protecting someone you love. Bang. I woke up in Jared's apartment. Fuck me. What the hell was happening? I had to short circuit this. I must still be tripping. I decided to throw myself off a bridge down the street. When I got there, I found I physically couldn't do it. Something stopped me. So killing myself was out. I had to go home and figure this out. I wasn't paying attention as I walked up the stairs to my apartment. If I had, I would have noticed the neighbor's kid had left a toy car on one of them.

17:51When I slipped and tumbled, I knew it was going to be bad. Where do you think you woke up? Jared's apartment Jared's apartment you're getting it it's so Mario Kart that death isn't it what slipped on a car on the stairs like a banana as we know from the classic Darwin Awards episode there's strange ways to go in life is this just a druggie version of Groundhog Day maybe yeah it feels like have you seen Happy Death Day is that what it's called no it's like a horror film where she just repeatedly keeps dying and waking up and reliving the same day oh really until she can find out who the killer is oh sounds good sounds like this um maybe this could be fun however long this lasts i i can't do anything and it's not real oh sorry let me i can do anything and it's not real yeah but how do you know the time you wake up and it suddenly is real yeah do some bad things yeah but also this is just like having unlimited lives yeah but they're not they're not real either they're not happening they're a figment of your imagination.

18:53Yeah, but if you're feeling it, it's real. You just go and live to your nice healthy life to your 70, you die and you get another go. Yeah, but what if you got a crap one? Like, how would you rate your life out of 10? 10? Yeah, that makes it sound like you were trying to say, you Robby. Yeah, your crap life, you Robby. I'd say 10. Yeah, right, you're a CB, yours is a 6, innit? 3. Right, would you trade your current life that you have, but you could get an amazing one, but you could get a dread. Nah, keep it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but then you've got no choice. Whatever your choice is here. Don't take the pill in the first place.

19:31Yeah, but he's done it now. He's stuck. Right. He's in Luke. Yeah, he's in drug groundhog day. Right. Well, so he goes on to say, this is like lucid dreaming, but it lasts for decades. I tried a life of crime. Got shot coming out of an electronics store. Not cut out for that. It hurt like hell. Screwed around, partied too much, overdosed, back to Jared's when it all goes to hell. I had lived 10 or 12 lifetimes when I saw her, Ruth. It might seem weird to have forgotten her, but when you have to remember we'd broken up nearly probably 300 years before.

20:04She was older, divorced, sad. She married the wrong guy after our breakup and got abused for years. I was so depressed after our talk, I just walked for hours thinking about how sad life had turned out. I had thought I was helping her. Found myself in a rough neighbourhood. when I got jumped and didn't hand over my wallet. That was a mistake. I woke up in Jared's apartment. This guy is so shit at life. Yeah, I know. He's dying all the time. Like, I've never died. Yeah, but everyone is, everyone will. Yeah, but he keeps dying well soon. He's dying like, Nah, sometimes this is years on. This is years on.

20:35Yeah, but like, I hope I'm going to live for another, maybe not me, but you guys will live another five years. I mean, he's quite often just like the next day, he's just dying. Yeah, none of these have been like 70 years later. Yeah, he's not like, Oh, they died from a family and friends. It's more like, oh yeah, some guy... Slip on the stairs. ...stood a toy and died. Yeah, true. He's shit at living. Yeah, the toy car ones. That's pathetic. If you died by, like, slipping on a toy car... Laugh at it. I'm doing a whole ep about it. Yeah, you can. You can do a rank bank on it. That's got your main channel if that happens.

21:08Oh, I bought a bunch of... So he's back at Jared's apartment. I bought a bunch of flowers and went to roofs. If I'm stuck in this Groundhog Day shit, I know what to do. You know what isn't boring? Living the best goddamn life you can. Twice. Three times. Ten times. The rough edges get smoothed away. You learn when bad news is coming. When you need to sidestep a bad argument. Just absolute happiness. If you get to choose happiness, you choose it every damn time. Then one day we're in Paris celebrating our 30th anniversary. I've taken this trip with her 20 times. She walked down to the cafe and got me some breakfast.

21:38A car jumped the sidewalk and killed her. That had never happened before. She hadn't been in it. What? She hadn't been in it. Again, he's making dreadful decisions. He's just going down roads where cars are veering off. He's not dead. He's dead. No, I know, but he just... Why is he always going places where people are dying all the time? I think if you live enough lifetimes, like, we're lucky to have got... Yeah, but he's had no full lifetimes. He's had no old people home deaths. Well, this is... He's older. This is his 30th anniversary this time. Actually, he got one can, didn't he? He got one can.

22:08He got one can. Respect for the can. Yeah. The next lifetime was worse. We made it 12 years after our wedding before she got some weird flu variant and died. No, she keeps dying now. The next one, she was diagnosed with a cancer a year after marriage. We never had kids. The next one, her building had burned down in the night, the night I spent at Jared's. I stood outside with flowers in my hands, staring at the smoking ruins. A filthy old homeless man walked up next to me as I stared in disbelief. Thought you could cheat it, did you? He said. Thought he wouldn't notice. But he did. He started laughing as he walked away.

22:44But he did. I watched him as he walked away. He turned back from time to time to smile at me. I don't know what that means. Do you get that? The homeless man is basically saying you thought you could cheat the system. So the homeless man knows what's going on. He's got insider knowledge. Right. My lives turned dark. Friends were killed in horrible accidents. Serial killers struck peaceful towns and ravaged the families of those I had loved. Overdose, disease, murder, death. everything was wrong so you were right robbie you were right he is having a stinker of a eternal life um the world turned to dictators came to power wars broke out hatred rose cities burned country shattered the world bled the old man would appear from time to time those centuries would sometimes pass between sightings he always laughed at me told me that he had me now always smiled at me i drifted from one dying port town to the next finding work where i could drinking away shitty lifetime after shitty lifetime i was sitting in a bar in the capital of east scotland watching some cable east scotland that might be a state doesn't sound like a state i think we know there's a state called east scotland yeah it might be like some canadian prov prov um you live in canada probably not maybe it's in edinburgh because he says watching cable news which is not a uk term no we'll find out maybe or maybe not bad rating uh watching some cable news about a genocide in some country that hadn't even existed in most of my lifetimes oh so ah because it's so far on east scotland's become a thing very clever cleverer than us got independence yeah the bartender laughed and i looked at him clearly for the first time it was the old man he smiled at me who the fuck are you I growled.

24:37I've seen him longer than you. He sees you now. He laughed again. Where do I go to find him? He laughed. Go to Samar in the Philippines. Not now, in your next life, when you are still young. Find Birrigan. He waits for you there. He smiled at me and I stumbled for the door. I lived another dozen years before a boat I was on went down in a storm. I woke up in Jared's apartment. This time, I immediately started looking for a way to get to the Philippines. I sold my car to Lucas Paqueta I'm guessing that's not in the story Jared Bowen's son and Lucas Paqueta in the story He actually sells at the Callum Wilson which is weird I sold my car and walked for six months eating the cheapest food I could find I arrived confused turned out Biringan isn't a real place or maybe it is I found work under the table making money however I could you're picturing the same thing as me I run good please zoom in on that for you when you're editing alright clever I'm just going to watch on loop I can't take you seriously that headband on that makes me think you do take me seriously normally your victories are so pathetic I take what I can get Robbie fuck me that is bleak oh i think you maybe take me seriously sometimes no we don't mate no i asked about the invisible i asked about the invisible city of local folklore i asked questions about the law behind it i learned how many people who have seen it are victims of demonic possession i searched for it every chance i could years passed by i lived an invisible life like the invisible city i saw the world rotted away but I still searched one night I was walking home and a car stopped next to me I heard a familiar laugh through the window I looked in and saw the old man he smiled at me I got in the car we drove for hours the gas gauge never moved finally in the distance I saw a gleaming city of light he pulled over and gestured you have to walk from here he is waiting for you in the center of the city he smiled I got out and walked it felt like I walked for days but the sun never came up and I never grew thirsty.

26:59I walked into a gleaming deserted city. I felt drawn to a giant tower in the center of the city. It glowed with a light despite having no windows or obvious source of illumination. I was not surprised to find a single door at the bottom of the tower. I entered and began to climb. As I went I heard a voice deep and old. I couldn't make out the words. I climbed forever finally reaching a door. I opened it and stepped inside. That did actually just made me jump a little bit i will say what does that balloon just moved out of the corner of my i was reading the thing and then i thought that was my backpack moving why is my backpack moving it's a but it's a balloon yeah it's the air con yeah makes complete sense but for a minute little bit of piss this episode is brought to you by airbnb stevie you ever stayed in an airbnb mate i've stayed in airbnbs loads of times like where all over not interested let me tell you about the best airbnb i ever stayed in you remember when i went over to the euros last year i got two tickets to the euros final in the beautiful city of berlin i do remember because i didn't get invited i went with another mate we got the tickets quite late so there was a bit of a scramble and a rush to try and find somewhere but airbnb came through and we got an airbnb because unlike a hotel we wanted to all sort of stay in the same place together and it was pretty good to be fair and not any old roommate we got a guest favorite room which was basically a complex on the top of this massive high-rise building looking over the beautiful city of berlin it was super super special i would have loved to see that i know i know and you were just below the top 13 other potential friends i could have gone with i'll tell you what though stevie even though obviously my heart was broken because of the football result against Spain.

28:44Knowing I got to go back to the comfort of the Airbnb made it that little bit easier for me. Well, we've got another tournament coming up next year, so surely this time you're going to take me. Well, I've kind of already pre-empted that we're going to be in the finals, Stevie, and the Airbnb's booked and you're not coming. Let's just hope we get to see England win next time. Evening. Buyers remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no...

29:17No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. This episode is brought to you by Born in Roma fragrances by Valentino Beauty, the iconic fragrance duo. Donna Born in Roma Eau de Parfum is a feminine fragrance featuring juicy black currant, central jasmine, woody cashmere, and warm vanilla. Its masculine counterpart, Womo Born in Roma Eau de Toilette, has notes of fresh violet leaf, aromatic sage, green vetiver, spicy ginger, and mineral salt.

29:58Shop at Macy's.com. This Friday. Macy's! Macy's! No one's coming for us. It's just you and me, boy. 58 miles. Heart of the Beast is the must-see adventure of the year. An incredible story of survival. I got you. One of the most extraordinary on-screen blonde you'll ever see. Only the greatest dog to ever walk the earth. Brad Pitt. I'll get you home. Heart of the Beast. Only in theatres this Friday. Ready PG-13. Maybe inappropriate for children under 13. So where was he? I couldn't make up. He climbed forever, finally reaching a door. I opened it and stepped inside, facing a giant black abyss. The voice was everywhere now.

30:40Every word ripped me apart. I watched you cheat on me. Did you think you could live your lives forever? I screamed. You're with me now, forever. I destroyed this world. The abyss closed and I realised I was staring at a giant mouth. It opened again. I thought of Ruth. The world went black. I woke up in the hospital. In Jarrah's apartment. A real fucking plot twist. Oh, fuck. Why would that be a plot twist? It's about another six pages. It sounds like we're getting to the end and it was just bad to try this fucking apartment. Imagine if this is the pod. Yeah. We'll do this forever. Yeah. Wow. Scott jumped up from the chair in the corner.

31:18Oh, dude. Who's Scott again? So Scott's his mate, isn't it? Scott's his mate. He was at Jared's department with Scott. Three of them took drugs. Scott's now in hospital. He's come to see him in hospital. Mate, our protagonist has woken up in hospital and Scott's in the corner. Okay. Oh, dude, I'm so glad you're awake. What happened? He looked over his shoulder. We were just about to take those pills and you threw up all over them and then collapsed. You had a crazy fever. I looked around. How long have I been out for? Four days. Ruth keeps chasing me out of here. Thinks I did this. He glanced at his shoes.