605 - HAPPY HOURWEEN III - The Scarecrow Family

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1:43Welcome back to Happy Hourine, episode three. Are you saying hourine? you're not saying our ween right happy hour ween ween say happy hour ween happy hour ween there you go there you go yeah reen you big reener have you seen what jack's done you know you did the googly eyes last yeah like yesterday he's put these fake teeth in why are you coming for me is that my headband yeah every day you've had a different one That's a good one, isn't it? You have to find out that's a headband. It's an axe in the head. It's an axe to your head. Monday you had little ghosts. Yesterday you had the most annoying little spider with a little chivalry leg.

2:27Big spider. Yeah, big spider. I'm scared.

2:33Spooky. He's talking like Mr. Bean. I've been watching Bean loads. That's only about six episodes. Twelve. I've been watching Bean loads. And I watched, I reckon once every two days, I watch him doing the opening to the Olympics. Why? Why every two days you've got to be in? It's good fun, yeah. He's funny. Yeah, famously. Does anyone know what he's like and real? What, Rowan Atkinson? Yeah. I've seen interviews of him. He's mates with Prince Charles, King Charles now, hasn't he? Is he? Not promoted. I have a... This is just an opinion. Yeah. I have a feeling he's not very nice. Oh. Yeah. I don't have any evidence for that, so...

3:14I don't have any evidence, but I've just there's little things I've seen him say in interviews where I'm like I don't think you're very nice that sounds like evidence I don't have any evidence but I've heard him be a knob but Halloween's a time for loving and I don't think it's nice Christmas mate that's Valentine's well I also think it's not a time for slagging Bean he's a cultural hero it was only you slagging Bean but no one else even really he's mentioned Bean right what a ledge Bean he took James Acosta's missus didn't he Mr Bean Do you not know about this? James Acast I think it might have even been his fiancée Are you talking about Mr Bean or Rowan Atkinson?

3:51Rowan Atkinson Rowan Atkinson They're the same person mate Shock No But Mr Bean is a character Do you think it annoys Rowan Atkinson That people still would just go ask Mr Bean? Yeah it's a bit like Daniel Radcliffe I was watching loads of interviews with Daniel Radcliffe yesterday And he can't get away from Potter That's why in a lot of films he's trying to be American You're still Potter mate You see, when I think of her an accent, I don't think of Mr. Bean. Do you not? No, I think of her. Oh, yeah, because of that error. Yeah. Yeah. What error? Error. Error. Because of that error. Hourine. Right, Monday, we kicked it off with Forever Drug.

4:27Yesterday was warning, bears exist. Yeah. What you got for us, Robson? I got two. I got a big one or a little one. What do you want? I want your big one. Let's have your story and then we'll look at your penis. That could work either way. It's obvious you've got two penises. No, it means you've got a big story and a little penis. or a big penis and a little story. Yeah. Okay. Wow. What have you got? It's a two-inch story. Oh, fucking hell, this penis must be tiny. Yeah. Sounds like two inches. Got it, got it, mate. Got it. Thank you. Right. Oh, this is the big one. Do you want the big one? Yeah, the big one.

5:02Okay. Okay. It's called, For 13 years, I've regularly checked the satellite images of a disturbing house on Google Maps. That's a long time. Brand deal for Google Maps, I think. Not Bing Maps, is it? I won't tell you where to look unless you want something terrifying to look back at you. I love the theatre in your film. Thank you. When I first spotted the house in 2012 when Mr. B was doing the Olympics, it wasn't disturbing. It was curious, like me. I don't remember why I was absent and minorly scrolling across that British village sparsely populated near nondescript. What I do remember is the reason I stopped on a particular garden behind a detached house which stood adjacent to a few vast acres of farmland.

5:53A long t-shaped shadow was painting the lawn. It looked to my eyes like an oversized scarecrow. For the sake of visibility most satellite images are snapped from the sun at its highest meaning shadows are at their shortest. You rarely see people walking out and about and even if you do their shades won't give them away it couldn't have been a person standing with arms outstretched then again something about my scarecrow hypothesis didn't sit well either in any case i was a teenager at the time and my interests were fickle i forgot about the whole thing for years but in 2016 my friend and i were talking about the many unanswered internet mysteries floating around and i recalled that very personal mystery of my own from four years later i thought they'd been doing it every year for 13 years just bit my tongue that was sore uh let me just go back to message var um as in the title one it mate i know it's irregularly oh okay i know i should have been listening but i've just had in my head that the skeleton behind on that one we should have made do ymca and each episode the arms changed oh yeah have you got it doing a nazi side no he said is it got is you put it up no fee fee looks like it's doing a wank yeah that's what if he said let's make him look like he's touching himself i've just pictured i realized that we could have moved its arms each episode and see if anyone picked up on that but yeah i should have been listening to your story i'm glad you're captivated by my story and this hasn't been a waste of my time uh no what's happening listening he's yeah so so no he's got in google maps in 2013 he went on google he went on google maps and he's seen a um no it's like a scarecrow but but it was like a big shadow of like a T, like a man with so outstretched arms over on the lawn, which is strange because most satellite pictures are taken when the sun's at its highest and you don't tend to get shadows.

7:41So it was a bit strange. Anyway, forgotten about it. Three years later, him and his friend. Four years. What? Weeks. Four years. Four years. Oh, right, yeah. Oh, 2012. Yeah, 2012. I keep thinking 2013. Them and their friend are discussing internet lore and like strange things that have happened and they've been reminded of this. That is fucking mental. that Jack's been listening and you haven't. That was a really good... This is the opposite for every episode ever. He knows it better than me and I'm reading it. That was a really good synopsis because I think from the moment after you said Scarecrow I was thinking of how we should have YMCA'd that skeleton.

8:12Okay. So I didn't catch any of that. I didn't know it was four years later. Something about that. It's just disrespectful so they'll be proud. Sorry. I showed my friend the house on Google Maps and it was even curiouser than the first time. There were two T-shaped shades. The original was as long as ever and the new one was half the height of the first. Very odd shadows, Oliver admitted. and it's just a residential house, not part of a nearby farmland, so why would the homeowner need scarecrows? I don't remember how I responded. The conversation took a detour into something else thanks to the liquor incapacitating my thought processes.

8:44Oh, so they're pissed up, don't they? They are pissed up, yeah. I don't know what age they were originally, I can't remember. But he was a teenager, now he's on the lash. Could have been 17 to 21. Yeah. But he's looking, I think he's American because he's saying liquor. Right, but they're looking at a British village. British village. Curious. Curious behaviour. It wasn't until 2019, that's three years later, I suppose we're keeping up, that my friend brought up the intriguing house again, so we googled it once more. And again, the garden had changed. The second shadow had grown to the height of the first shadow.

9:16Something about the oddness of it all left me, for the first time in seven years, quite afraid. I saw in his wide eyes that Oliver felt the same. He quickly played off his discomfort, but I noted his momentary lapse of cool-headedness. Oliver's generally pretty cool isn't he? Ollie they probably call him Ollie yeah Old Dog Ollie's probably his nickname because he does like Ollie's on skateboards so we've got T-shaped one second T was half the size but now second T is same size as T-shaped one so two T's same size two T's did this introduce third T? two T's two T's two T's same size it went from one big one to one and a half T's to two big ones could it be a tree?

9:56let's just grow could be a tree probably is a tree Well, that would be a good story. That was the end. Went round trees. So, yeah, so Ollie's cool. Momentarily lapsed for being cool. Yeah. I didn't quite understand why we were both so afraid of two shadows. The baby scarecrow's all grown up, he said. I didn't respond. 30 seconds later, Oliver held up his phone, displaying Google Maps and said, 52 minutes. I clocked the blue line, dotting a route from his apartment to the countryside house nearly an hour away and to raise an eyebrow. You're not serious. Right, he wouldn't have been saying liquor if he was in Britain.

10:37Yeah, this is weird. Unless he was born in America and moved here, because that's fine. Sorry if I came across anti-immigration there. No, but I think it would be integral that he would mention that. I'm American, and I've been Googling British. yeah or maybe he watched too much american tv as a kid and says american terms and also not to shit on this but like if i went on google earth and i found like a house that has like been confuzzling me for so many years i would i reckon earlier than this i would have put in how far away am i from this guy but also you'd know you'd know like when you're going on google maps you don't just click a random place and go no you know it's i don't know if lincoln's 90 miles or 180 miles Yeah, but he's only 52 minutes.

11:23That's lowest off from Norwich. You'd know if you're that close to Norwich, wouldn't you? Yeah. Well, okay. It could be further. It's a big road. Could be yammer. Cambridge nearly. Get to the edge of Cambridge in 52 minutes. Yeah. True. It's not important, really. But yeah, I think he's just seen it. That's a bit weird. So you're not going to investigate that early on. It's only once you're going, this is growing. Yeah. You're like, okay, now this is... Yeah, same. I don't know if I saw a shadow of a T, whether I'd even look back at that house. okay that was weird we only think of it every three years it's only now he's gone actually this is getting weird yeah so apart from saying liquor I'm fine with it I'm really just dissecting this now but I think if I saw a house with a shadow of a tea and then three years later I was like oh you remember that house I wouldn't remember where to look and if you did remember you'd know it was only 52 minutes away definitely yeah right maybe the village had a funny name and he remembered it yeah like what Penisborough good Vag Town something like that okay If this ends with them going to Vagetown, we'll be happy.

12:25Tonight's game where you go to Vagetown, do it, player. Titty City.

12:30No, he said it was a village, not city. Oh, okay. Fucking idiot. Titty Village. Titty Village. Furniture Villages, sister brand. Another brand deal there. Okay. Where were we? Right, I caught the blue route. He said you're not serious. I am, he insisted. We've been talking about this house for years. Don't you want to know what's in the back garden? I shit my head. Not anymore. There's something off about that image, Oliver. He groaned. Do we do the groan? Yeah. Oh, he came. Poor thing. Oh, come on, Jamie. I know it's left an unscratched itch. You poor thing. You poor thing. I know it's left an unscratched itch in your brain.

13:16I know you. We're not going to drive across the country to spy on someone's garden. It's only 15 minutes away, right? Yeah, fucking hell. I said, well, I am, and I'd love your company, Oliver replies, shrugging. He's quite cool, isn't he, Oliver? Yeah. There's only so much a bird's eye view reveals, and street view won't let us peek over those obnoxiously tall hedges. We need to see this place in person. I feel as though I may have stepped out of my body for an hour or so. Let someone else take the reins, for I only realise I've been coaxed into accompanying my friend as his car rolled to a stop outside that famous house from Google Maps.

13:48Good writing. Straight there, Bosh. When you say good writing, I'd actually have to change a bit because he made a slight error in it. Oh, OK. Cunt then. Cunt, mate. No longer seen as a flat roof and garden from a bird's eye view, but now as a three-dimensional, horribly real structure. The unassuming red brick residence was surrounded by eight feet tall hedges, countryside and silence. That's bigger than a moose. yeah my foot bigger there have been you see that's why if you said a moose was eight feet i'd be like yeah that's what i imagined them to be oh really yeah but i said seven and you've not been able to imagine them since no i've been thinking i still wouldn't be able to sit behind that fence yeah yeah maybe maybe there are maybe these are mees yeah it could be the antlers yeah it's probably bears again um something about seeing this property in the flesh left my hairs tingling left me ready to wrangle the steering wheel out of Oliver's grip and take us far away from the tall walled place.

14:48And its hedges prompted an obvious question from my lips. Unless you brought stilts, how are we going to peek into this garden? Yeah, that's what I thought. How are you going to do it? Well, if you're as cool as Oliver... Yeah. You've probably got an answer for you. Oliver smiled as he opened his driver's door, so I followed the boot of his car. He'd always been more of a show-to-tell bloke. Ledge. What a ledge! I bet he goes to Titty City. loads. Inside the car's boot was a drone. Oh. That's a drone. That's a drone. I was wondering that he knew we'd need it. Please know I inwardly groaned.

15:31I hated the thought of snooping at a stranger's property with an airborne camera. Then again, scaling the fence and trespassing would have been worse. I nodded my head, signalling that I'd go He's been doing that his whole life. Yeah, Google Maps is snooping with an airborne camera. Yeah, but like a satellite camera. Yeah, it's the highest airborne one you can get. Yeah, but I think he was saying it's worse to get a drone. Like if someone's Googling map of my house, I'm cool with that. If there's a drone in my back garden just looking through the windows, I'm like, oh, come on, mate. Yeah, right.

15:59Come on, guys. Good point. He quickly took the drone up into the sky, and we watched the live feed on his tablet controller as the white-bladed plastic insect sailed loudly above the house. rotors blurring against the sky. He is a good writer, actually. I forgave him that mistake earlier. I edited it out. Oliver took the advice... I edited it out, but still made sure to let us know. Yeah, only because you were praising it. I was like, well, you don't know what I've seen, though. You know what I've had to deal with. Oliver took the device over the roof tiles, and we both held our breath as the garden came into view.

16:33Then we exhaled in harsh, painful gasps of shock at the revealed casters of the long shadows I'd seen in the photos for seven years. Not scarecrows at all. What do you think it is? What do you think it could be? Well, it has to be T-shaped. Is it somebody stood there? Is it like a mentally unwell person that is stood there with their arms out? What, and then they had a kid that slowly got his call as that? It's also mentally unwell. Yeah, or they've conditioned the young child to do what they do, and they're just stood there like that the whole time. It's almost like a cult-like thing. Because I know, obviously, mental health's nothing to joke about, but mental health can make people do unusual things like this, can't it?

17:14I think it's a tree. I don't know why this would be a story that we're reading on a podcast if it was a tree. I can't think of anything that could be T-shaped that's scary. What am I? T-shaped? Exactly. Yeah, but they're just constantly stood there and T-posing. Yeah, it's unusual, but where's Halloween at, mate? Shall I continue? Yeah. It was a tree. No, it wasn't.

17:38It was Foot Locker. Right. Two humans were tied with thick, well-knotted rope around their wrists and legs to large wooden crosses. Perhaps, as much of the thought horrified me, crucifixes. Cult-like. My friend and I did not scream, but instead felt very silent, very still. There's no trauma quite like shock. No horror quite like being frozen to the spot, unable to think. fucking unable to run fuck and the terror of what we were seeing would only worsen as my friend decided with unsteady fingers to fly the drone downwards taking it closer to the two bound people in the garden oh i couldn't do it i'd get i'd get the drone out of there i'd get the drone out of there one was maybe it's an advert for the new mavic 5 pro mini um one was an adolescent boy wriggling weakly in restraints as his eyes fixed on the drone filming him from above.

18:36He wore a white tee with five letters torn through its fabric, torn through to the flesh, creating blood-stained letters on his torso. Spawn. Oh God, I'm made in terror. He's got a t-shirt on. It's ripped and it's scratched on his torso the word spawn. How do you reckon that's spelt? I can tell you because I'm reading it. There's not a picture. like the spawn of satan s-p-a-w-n oh okay right oh god i moaned in terror slumping against the car with teary eyes on oliver's tablet screen we have to call someone on the original cross which i'd seen nine years earlier was a woman who barely looked like a woman at all her arms and legs poking out holes in dungarees nothing more than bundles of straw oliver and i finally broke free of our frozen state so that one was a scarecrow then that one was a scarecrow he says barely look like a woman because it was a scarecrow do very different things here because he makes them sound equally scary one's just a scarecrow and one's like a boy being crucified yeah with the words how did the second one grow in height then well I don't know it was the boy in it I guess was it S-P-A-W-N or S-P-O-R-N A-W-N I was thinking for a second it could be S-Porn Okay.

19:59What does that mean? Say it's porn. No, but why would that be relevant? It's a weird sex thing. Spawn like child. I got you. Oh, hang on. She's a woman, but it says her arms and legs were nothing more than bundles of straw. Oh, he's turned her into a scarecrow. It is a real human that he's turning into a scarecrow. Let's find out. Oliver and I finally broke free of our frozen states, beginning to retch as we realised that the captive woman was very much alive but very much limbless save for upper arms around which ropes were tightly wrapped. Wow. Cut through her clothing and skin beneath in much the same way as the squirming boy beside her was another blood-written word.

20:41Whore. It's a sex thing. Whore and sex porn. Didn't say sex porn. No. It's a man and his wife who's cheated on him and had another baby by another man. So it's the whore and the spawn of the cheating. Oh. but why why on her crucifix not her why not is she a nutter just for cheating no no the guy the guy is put her on not her she obviously deserves this but is she mentally unsound obviously this is a reasonable way to treat her cheating partner yeah sorry yeah okay

21:26Oliver opened his lips, managing only to hiss out a whispery, wordless puff. I'm guessing that's what the puff is. Okay. What was a whispery, wordless puff? It's hissed out.

21:44That's how we start this episode, isn't it? Before he managed to try again, thunder cracked the air, followed by the live feed cutting out and the sight of the drone plummeting past the far side of the house, landing in the garden. That thunderous sound was one only heard in the true boonies of England. What's a boonie? A gunshot. Shotgun. I like this. Someone shot the drone. Well, yeah, the nutter, not the woman. Yeah. Moments later, my eyes caught the silhouette of a broad, bulky man behind the paper-thin curtains of the house's upstairs window. The drapes parted and then out peaked a double-barrelled instrument and a hand reaching for the window's latch.

22:24I screamed in fear at Oliver, Move! As, you see, he's missed a word again. As clambered in the car. Right, yeah. He's letting me out. You're so disappointed. Yeah, I am, because he's done so well and he's not proofread it. He's got the ability to write descriptively, but he's... Just read your work back. Yeah. As he clambered in the car, the sound of plastic squeaking filled my ears. I didn't have to look up to know that would be what would be pointing at us from that open window. This episode is brought to you by Born in Roma fragrances by Valentino Beauty, the iconic fragrance duo. Donna Born in Roma Eau de Parfum is a feminine fragrance featuring juicy black currant, central jasmine, woody cashmere and warm vanilla.

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23:52This episode is brought to you by PayPal. You know how a mom's bag has everything? Sunscreen? Snacks? A stapler? The new PayPal app is like that, but for your money. Shop, pay, manage your account, and earn rewards all in one place. And with purchase protection on eligible items, biometric security, and pass keys, you're protected at every step. Download the new PayPal app to get started. See paypal.com slash protection terms. Oliver floored the accelerator and I half expected his side window to suddenly shatter, expecting my best friend's body to collapse in a pool of blood against the steering wheel.

24:29However, there came no gunfire. We drove away. What the fuck? Oliver bellowed minutes later, spittle and tears and snot flying from his horrified face. I managed only to sob in response. My friend pulled into a petrol station 20 minutes later. Whilst I said we need to phone the police, he claimed that we should go back to the house first, that we should be brave. Oliver was worried that Homer had chosen not to follow us because he needed to dispose of all evidence. Then my friend suggested we had a limited window in which to go back and record some evidence of what a man had done. You watch too many crime programmes, I pleaded, panting heavily.

25:03I would never ever go back. I would just call the Pope-er. A man's literally just aimed the gun at you. The last thing you're doing is going back. Well, I guess you guys aren't as cool as Oliver. True, true. Sorry, Ollie. This is the real world, Ollie. In the real world, you see a crime, you call the police. That's how it works. Anyhow, after I was back and forth, my friend managed to dupe me into thinking he was on board with my plan of simply leaving it to the authorities. But whilst I went into the petrol station to pay for our freshly filled tank, Oliver tore away and left me behind. I tried to call him numerous times over the following hour or so.

25:35Nothing. So I rang the police and told them what happened. I waited an hour to call the police. We call things. Mate, where are you, mate? Where are you? Shot can make people do weird things like that. Thank you, Jack. Yeah. So I rang the police and said, what happened? To give credit to where it's due, the authorities took my claim seriously and searched the homeowner's property. Well, yeah, but you would, wouldn't you? Yeah, I would. Someone called a police station and told you that. There's people being crucified and they shot a drone up the sky. Yeah. And my mate's gone missing. Our hands are tied.

26:05Nothing we can do without facts. However, as Oliver had feared, the responding officers found nothing in the stranger's garden. No crucified straw stuff victims, no carcass of a drone, no shotgun shell. Nothing to validate my tall tale. The homeowner, a man called Mr Tomlinson, told the police they'd seen neither a drone nor two men outside his property. I showed the police the satellite image on Google Maps and Mr Tomlinson simply laughed. He said that image was at least a year out of date. They'd gotten rid of those statues a month earlier. Yes, statues. Apparently, that was a sufficient explanation for the police officers.

26:45But they have just seen it, haven't they? The boys. Yeah, but the police haven't. Right, okay. Mr. Thomason's believable. Right. Obviously, there are plenty of ways to corroborate my story. The police checked the surveillance footage at the petrol station, saw Oliver and I standing by the pumps, and saw him drive away whilst I was in the shop. See, I protested. We weren't saying you were lying, Jamie, one police officer insisted. We simply need evidence. This is a good advert for the police. They're doing their job properly. Yeah, yeah. I point at the screen. There's your evidence. We drove out here together and now he's gone.