615 - It's Christmas... BUT There's A Catch!

27:44I'm not interested not for me why? very busy around Christmas time that's one day Robbie no I'm not going to decide it I'm going to pick something else up I like that no I've got too much on it's a good time for ad revenue I'll just spend the time and make another ad account in the video thank you couldn't you just do 45 minutes a day per day what's 45 minutes a day I don't want to do that no I don't want it you have Robbie hour in the morning you just sit there have a coffee and have a wank do you have a wank do you boy what you have a wank That's mental. Every morning? What? No. Not every morning, no.

28:24No, Robbie, I'll say, Robbie is not for queuing. Robbie is for what Robbie wants to do. That's not queuing. Blanky. Well, what about if you just order them online and the page just takes 45 minutes to load while it's going through? But you have to watch that page. Well, we still know then. Want a bit? Yeah, I'll take it. You'll take it? Well, I'm just thinking I'll buy one person something worth a grand every year than just Q one time. We smashed it. Fuck's sake. So you're not going to buy what, just Ali a present and no one else? Yeah. A thousand pound present every... No, I'll spend my... Yeah, I'll just spend my own money on that.

29:01This is all you get. I only get a grand for everyone's presents? Yeah. No. Do you spend more than a grand on everyone at Christmas? No. You're doing all right, aren't you? What? Everyone? Yeah. Add it all up? Yeah, that's mad. That's a lot of money Is it? Oh my god you do Don't you? Probably roughly I will Yeah Have you got three kids? You're a dad though What do you What do you get? How much do you spend on Ali? Or is this too personal? What this year? Yeah go on Have you got a gift already? No Do you know what you're getting? Roughly Not really Give us a price range I don't really want to Yeah go on I don't Yeah Okay let's do last year then Last year What did you spend last year?

29:48On Ali Yeah It was a lot last year But We got married and stuff last year Yeah but what did you You didn't buy her a wedding Yeah No So how much did you spend last year? What did you get her? A few little bits and bobs How much did you get her? I don't know I'm now feeling really under pressure What bits and bobs did you get her? Dyson Air wrap Okay no That's like 300 innit Straight away that was eye watering no just a bit I don't know probably you do know £200 well you just said the Dyson Airwrap and that's more than that yeah and then like a few other bits and bobs and that I don't remember did you spend a grand on her no not not on Justin he had a thing no I didn't he's ballin no I'm not I'm actually not I didn't spend a grand we're talking 800 though the way you thought the way no definitely not the way he was like I had to think No, do you know what?

30:43No, definitely not. But everybody. Then I get my mum something. I get my dad something, my sister. How much do you spend on notes? I don't know, like 50 quid or something. But then there's a lot of people adding up there, isn't it? Yeah. And you factor the air wrapping. I'm not judging. I'm just saying. No, we're just, we're just. No, but the thing is, the grand would cover all my gifts, right? Yeah. It genuinely would. but if it's not way way way more then I'd rather just not queue you know what I'm saying can you buy all the presents in the same shop in one queue or is it 45 minutes per present you buy 45 minutes per gift you buy I couldn't do it I'm going to take it Alfie you've got it yeah I'm going to take it will you just start telling your other family members sorry I couldn't get you anything this year no I'll just No,£1 ,000 is loads.

31:38I definitely... No, I know, but you've got to queue 45 minutes for every individual present. Albie's got it. Yeah, but I'm only buying gifts for like 10 people. That's 450 minutes then. That's not a lot. You could do that in a day. Yeah. You get given a free scratch card calendar every single year. It's an advent calendar in which behind each door is a£5 scratch card. That's a nice idea. Every single day. Okay? but there's a but there's a catch yeah oh good you have to scratch the card with your fingernails and you're not allowed to clean your fingernails for the whole month of December oh that'd be awful but imagine the reward should you hit is it normal odds yes normal odds of a scratch card no one in three is a winner no I want to be able to wash my hands and stuff yeah I'm not going to cook Christmas dinner I don't want to get let me do the T's and C's you can wash your hands but you cannot wash under your nails.

32:33Can you cut your nails? Nope. Can you cut your nails beforehand? Nope. So you can't cut your nails for a month? Nope. I'm not doing it. It's disgusting. I don't think... You're not going to win anything. One in three? You are. No, but you've said one in three wins. I did a scratch card this morning. Yeah. My sister has made me an advent calendar. Yeah. Right, it's really cute. And behind each door is a different thing. Yesterday it was a Cadbury's egg. That's really cute. I know you're allowed to cut your nails. I am. Okay. And in today's one was... a Terry Striplot Orange Truffle and a scratch card.

33:04One pound scratch card. Guess what I won? This is nice, isn't it? One pound? One pound. No, but that's what I'm saying. It's not worth one pound having disgusting hands. Yeah, but what if you win 25 on one day, 50 on another, 100 on the last day? But the likelihood of that is so low. You probably won't. You'll probably just have rank hands for Christmas. Like, if I, Jack, now bought 30 scratch cards, how much money would I win? 25 scratch cards, yeah. How much money would I win? 125 quid would be my guess on average. Well, you spent£250 on them. No, you spent£120. What did you say? £5 ones? Yeah.

33:37So you spent... It's only£125 worth of scratch cuts. And most of the time, it's one in three, but most of the time you're just getting back the same amount. So it's just going to be fivers. And if only one in three is winning... Yeah. I would pay£125 to not have mank hands. Yeah, Jack, I think you might be getting this one. Yeah. Okay, I'll have it. I'll take it. I'll take it. Okay, we'll move straight on. That was a nice quick one. I think we could just get 25 scratch cards in for an episode and just do them all. That'll be 125 quid. I'll feel buying for you. This narrative cannot exist. I'm not rich at all.

34:12Yeah, you're minted, mate. I'm fucking not. I promise you I'm fine. Right. Wow. You get to have the ultimate Christmas. It's absolutely perfect. Everything you desire it to be. It's wholesome, lovely, all your family there. But there's a catch. you can only have that christmas once every four years so world cup of christmases it's idyllic this christmas is perfection everything you want it to be you experience every emotion you want if there's things under the tree you want to be there you can't go beyond reality you can't say buy me a fucking jumbo jet but if there was something you really want what your kids want your kids love it it's beautiful but once every four years can i ask what happens on the other three years.

34:57There is no Christmas, mate. No Christmas at all? You can have the festive season, right? But the Christmas day is just like any other day in December. And how do our families feel about that? They're livid. I can tell you that. My kids will be livid. I'm telling you now. Alright, let me bend the rules. This is my game. I can bend the rules. Didn't say you couldn't.

35:21You can have a Christmas day every day at the time there's a Christmas, right? But it's just a bit meh. And the kids go to bed. You go, how was Christmas today? And they go, yeah, it was all right. I'm out. I'm out. The most perfect Christmas. My Christmases are pretty good anyway. I'm also out. Why? It's not worth it. How is that remotely worth it? Your kids don't want to have three meh Christmases. You've got one incredible Christmas. They have great Christmases at the minute. They like them how they are. Yeah. As well, if you scale it up right, So that means in 40 years, how many... I'm having 10 good Christmases in 40 years.

36:02Not good. Perfect. You're having about 13 good Christmases. No, 10 years. You purposely did it for easy work. I did it really easy for myself and then you fucked it up. I'm so sorry. But I'm saying I'm looking at it as not 10 perfect Christmases, but 30 meh ones in 40 years. Yeah. It's not good enough. My kids never have a mere Christmas. They always have a good time. It might not be perfect, but they always have a good time. I'm not going to subject them to subpar Christmases. Seriously, I take Christmas. You think I'm giving out mere Christmases? Nah. You're saying, is it worth it for that perfect one, though?

36:40Isaac would be my only issue here. Other than that, I'm all right with this. I'm nowhere near this. I only care about Christmas for Isaac. I wouldn't touch it with yours. That's what that means. They'll say it, don't they? What does it mean? I wouldn't touch it with yours. Yeah. Like something so gross, I wouldn't touch it with your hands. That does make sense. See, I'm not a fan of it, but my other worry is we're already, what, a couple of things in here, and we have to start taking some. This isn't the worst possible thing. We have to have three at the end. You've got to have three at the end.

37:14And if I get the next two, my allocation's done, and I'm going to start handing them out. and I think Jack will knowing him he's going to make him progressively worse I'll take this one I'll tell you now I haven't made him progressively worse because I didn't even think that would play out like that so I've just written the first one maybe I won't take this one I'll take it I think that's the worst one yet and I'm sorry yeah I'd write down the queuing one yeah worse than dirty nails having a perfect Christmas fucking hell you're spending grand you're already doing perfect Christmas fuck me I'm really trying to enjoy Christmas again I haven't enjoyed it for years but I'm really trying.

37:51Just throwing money at it again, isn't you, player? Probably, mate. Probably. Right. I'm not rich. It's because you keep spending not all on Christmas, mate. You get an instantly cooked, perfect Christmas dinner whenever you want it. What, any time of year? Yeah, any time of year. Perfect. It's like Gordon Ramsay came in and cooked it for you himself, right? But there's a catch. Oh, there's always a bloody catch for this guy. Really speedophile. You're catching on. Don't call me that. It's nonce. Allegedly. Yeah. But before you get eat this Christmas dinner, you have to eat 30 slightly undercooked Brussels sprouts.

38:37I'll take this one. Whoa, we haven't even had a chance to discuss. 30's a lot, Robson. Yeah, would you not be full and you can't then enjoy the meal? Well, that's part of the game, isn't it? It's part of the game. Yeah. But then I won't overeat because that's the risk with a lot of roast dinner because I'll just do a roast dinner every Sunday now. Yeah. That's happening. For the rest of your life. Yeah, I'll just back the roast dinner at the Christmas dinner things. Yeah. Every Sunday. Yeah. There we go. Bang, done. Everyone else can enjoy it and I'll just have loads of sprouts to start off. I like sprouts.

39:05I think the problem is people who don't like sprouts overcook the sprouts so undercooking them slightly will probably make them just right for me. You reckon? Do you still get it on Christmas Day? You get it whenever you want, mate. You go like that and it's done. do whatever you can have it every day but you cannot but it's a Christmas roast it's not just a normal roast it's got pizza blankets and a bit of turkey on there yeah I am not taking it because I don't want I don't want that all the time that's a special meal too much you can choose where you have it yeah yeah yeah you can choose but I think I would only yeah but then I yeah it's not worth it for the sprouts yeah Stevie I just think I'd be too full after the Yeah, you were 30s a lot.

39:48And then I feel like I've done it in the past. Like when you go for like an all you can eat or something, I've done it in the past where you just can't enjoy any of it because you've got so full, you feel gross. And I feel like I'd start eating that and then I'd be like, and because it tastes so good, you want to keep going and you're just going to feel sick. How many calories in a Brussels sprout? Next to nothing. Anything, yeah. How are they being cooked? In one sprout? I'm going to say less. How are they being cooked? I was going to say like three. Yeah. Like four or something. Really? Yeah.

40:15A cabbage has got hardly any calories. Wait, completely depends. How are they being cooked, Jack? Huh? It completely depends how they're being cooked. I don't know. Oven fried. Oven or fried. Are you allowed to dip them in sauce? Yeah, you can do what you want with the pressies. I actually think that's all right. Pan fry them, I reckon. I think you've done really well there. Yeah. Robbie's got it. Yeah. Chop them up fine and pan fry them. Robbie's got it. No, because you can't change it. Yeah, you've smashed that. You can't change how they're cooked, though. He said you can add sauce to them. They're undercooked.

40:44They're undercooked. They're a bit tough. to buy. So we are four down, right? And I'll tell you now, everyone has got one. There we go. Evens. You can drink whatever and however much alcohol you want in the month of December. At any party, any social gathering, or at home. You will never get a hangover. Or, and you will never remotely feel shit the next day. It will not affect you in any way. However, there's a catch. I thought you were going to skip it then because you just said the word however instead. You will at some point over the Christmas period you may be on your own you may be asleep you may be with family but at one point you will shit your parents.

41:24I thought you'd hate how to do it anyway. I'd like to make a bid for this. Oh, what the guy who doesn't even drink alcohol? Yeah. You're going to get smashed every day and then shit yourself. Would you drink more if there were no negative effects to it afterwards? Yeah, a million percent. Would you? That is the main reason is the next day I'm so sad so then if I didn't have that if you take this away from me it's actually really going against men's mental health which isn't talked about enough I did not know you'd bid for this one well I would love to go out drinking but I just don't like the next day too much and it actually affects my week it goes on for too long so if I could have that for a month I could have a month of all these laughs See, here's the issue though, Alfie How sad is that, eh?

42:17That is sad Alfie, here's the issue, I like this one And December's obviously a big month for drinking as well Christmas special, the darts A lot of opportunities to drink So it'd be lovely to have that Issue is It's the randomness of the shitting yourself If I shit myself at home You've done that before I couldn't give a fuck if I shit myself Shit yourself with a dart If you shit yourself now, you couldn't give a fuck Probably not Your pants are caked in shit. And you've got to go over the train full of shit. Well, no, I'd find a way out. How? How? What are you going to do? Go in there, take off all my clothes.

42:52Let's just focus on what we can control right now. I can take the clothes off. And now you're naked in your workplace. Yeah, and now I'm going to deal with that. How are you going to deal with that? I call everyone I know in London. Say, I've shat myself, I'm naked. Just, I'm begging you. Are you calling first? First call. Well, you guys are in the next door, aren't you? Yeah, well, I'm not helping you. We're not helping. Nick's called out apart from us. Ellis. He'd come with some clothes. How would he get in the building? You'd let him in, wouldn't you? I wouldn't let him in. We wouldn't let him in.

43:21We've gone. We've actually... We've gone home. We didn't wait for him. Sorry, mate. I'd run down. Were you cock out? Well, no, I'd be covering it up. CCTV. That's not picking that up. I'd be a little pixel, mate. I'd then go down and just get changed down there. So you're out in public now, naked. Because you've got to go to the gate at the front. Yeah. All right, you're getting done. You're getting done for that. Okay. You're running around with the shit. It's not fair to take these extreme... We haven't done this with any other one. Why am I in prison? No, because with this, there are... I'm just going to be undercooked sprouts.

43:53You're shitting yourself. You might get this in the worst situation. I'm at home all the time anyway. You're here now. So I'm either out drinking shitting myself, which isn't that embarrassing. Loads of people do it. Or I'm at home shitting myself. It's quite embarrassing. You could be at a football game with Ellis, surrounded by 30 ,000 fans. You know what? I'd probably bring a spare pair of trousers. with me because I know at some point I'm going to shit myself. I'd have to. That's good. That's fair enough. That's smart. But you got out of it though. Yeah, it still is a downside to it. Right.

44:19What if you go over to visit Ali's family and you just shit yourself? Excuse me? I've shit myself. I'm just, pardon me, where's the toilet? Pardon me. Pardon me, I've just shut my pants. When he does it. For the fifth year in a row. I don't know. I know. It keeps falling on the same occasion. It wasn't in the original rules, but like, obviously shitting yourself's bad. But how obvious is it to other people you've done? Oh, mate, you've got fucking, you've got a chocolate egg in your pants. I always do. Would you change it? Oh, that's terrible. Would you change it if we had control of a button that made you shit yourself?

44:56And we can choose when it happens. You know what? I'd almost think that was quite fun. Oh, you guys have got me. I'm at a funeral. no but I would go to that funeral being like I cannot they're definitely going to do it today yeah we would you wouldn't are you like Ant and Dec when they're doing the pranks and you can see me that would be fucking brilliant wouldn't it yeah it would be good every now and then we'll just mix up a little bit wait until like Ali's spooning you and then make it happen I wouldn't mind she would she would mate she'd be furious she'd be disgusted sorry nature cooled the boys press the button yeah I think the more he's speaking about it, the less I want it.

45:38The point that I agreed to so I could get pissed, you would be so not understand. I could have one buck's food. Are you going to fight him for this? I don't want it. You can have it. I thought you wanted it. Oh, you've gone back on your word. I think that's a really good one. I think that's such a good one. I just don't think you drink enough to want this. Well, he's got it, mate. He's got it. He's locked in. How many times do you think you'll actually go out? If I knew I was never going to get a hangover. at least twice over the month. Yeah. I will make sure you shoot yourself. I just think there's too many opportunities in December for that to be in public.

46:14Couldn't do it. Don't want to do it? Okay. Alfie, you've got that. It's two of your three locked in. Thank you. This Christmas, Santa's got you an unusual gift. You have, you have, you might want this a bit less, toned body, six pack, nice arms. And there's no catch. But there's a catch. Always a catch. All you have to do is unironically, unpsychastically, call your mother-in-law a slag at some point during Christmas dinner and you can never ever explain to her that it was a joke or why you did it. I'll have it.

46:56No way. Don't give it to him yet. I would never do it. No way, no way. Not against it. Yours would be Ariane's nan. much more against it. How do I have to deliver this? It's up to you, but it has to be genuine and it has to be... Can you give us some options? Can you pass the sprouts, you slag? Yes, you can. I'll take it. What was the good thing? Say it how you're going to say it. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Anyway. You can't be smiling or anything. No, you can't. No, I won't. You have to... Do this every year? No, just once. Oh, yeah. Can you pass the sprouts, you slag?

47:38you do what you just got to do it once and you get that you get that body for a year you can't explain it you can't get your fucking hands off it's mine look you're close to death like you're not going to be able to make as much use of it that's one year do you know what's really i'm gonna die this year oh you only get it for a year yeah that's rubbish and then you lose the body can you imagine maybe not worth it can you get into that shape in that year how would you know yeah it will change can you imagine the day before it's gonna turn the present and you've done that yeah but you get it for a year yeah but then every day after imagine the pics imagine the fucking pics the year after yeah everyone goes he is a lazy bastard let himself go my worry is i don't really want this but my worry is that the other ones are gonna be worse I'll let Robbie have it No you have it No it's only a year No Robbie can have it Robbie you want it?

48:35Yeah I just don't think it's that bad Any advance on that? I'd love to see a rip Robbie for a year as well No way Why is that so outrageous? What would happen if you called your mother-in-law a slag but not ironically because Bev's got a good sense of humour has her mum got equally a good sense of humour? Yeah mum's funny I don't know if I just called her a slag she probably would be like oh so funny Right But my worry more is what Bev would say yeah it should be and you would also have to be arguing like no she is because you couldn't go it was a joke you can't say it's a joke no I didn't want to say it's a joke what would you say I know what I said yeah

49:14you're sitting there having a year of absolute grief but you look bloody good doing it just on the sofa you know often do you know often Bev's furious with me one more thing how do you explain that like to Bev the next day when you're like Arnold Schwarzenegger in this world she'll just go bloody hell Robbie I knew you'd been working out but I didn't know you'd been doing that amazing brilliant right so you're having it Robbie yeah yeah I don't really

49:45now it's no longer about Bev it's no longer about Bev it's more like I don't want my kids to see me randomly calling you a woman a slag you got it now I don't want it you got it alright You got it. Sorry, kid. Okay, this one is a bit different. You get a massive role in a Christmas film alongside an actor who you're a fan of. Okay. Wow. You're a box office hit and you two become on-screen Christmas heroes. You literally save Christmas. You're thick as thieves. The movie pays you handsomely every year and shoots you into stardom. But there's a catch. That genuinely made me jump. The timing of it.

50:22In 10 to 15 years time, your co-star in the film is out as a massive paedophile and is branded as the biggest paedophile to live ever. Okay. That's one hell of a brand. There are... There are some mad paedophiles. If I... Okay. This is not me saying anything, but I'm just asking questions. I'm an inquisitive man asking questions. Right. if I take this role or not are they going to do that either way? Is that your fault? Oh right yeah. Do you know what I mean? If you don't take this role someone else in the universe is going to take that role and this will happen to them. So what happens is so I'm in this film Yeah you're in the film we're going to use a random actor at random right?

51:09Stevie White. Yeah. Yeah. That's safer. Right? No no it's got to be a big Hollywood actor let's say Tim No don't name Obviously you cannot say a name. But this is a make-believe scenario. Yeah, I know. But let's just say Bob Robbins would make up a name. Bob Robbins. Imagine there's an actual actor called Bob Robbins. Please. What? Bob Robbins. He looks exactly and sounds exactly like Timothee Chalabay. No, he doesn't, though, does he? Because that would just be a weird coincidence. He's like an identical twin to him, but he's not Timothee Chalabay. But he's also the most famous actor in the world.

51:47you can be on screen with him and become almost like a duo a bit like how am I in one film where I'm a duo forever you're just in that film, you just star in that film but everyone goes fuck me, he's amazing in that film it's like Rush Hour you're Jackie Chan that's a weird Chris Tucker you're Jackie Chan's Chris Tucker you're massive in 15 years, 10 to 15 you don't quite know when that other guy Bob Robbins big nonce do you live with the knowledge of it the whole time? no you find out when everyone else does I'll take this but you're massively associated with them that's like me doesn't it feel weird no can I just say you are you're his like best pal for the next 10 years oh right that's changed massively yeah that is different yeah but you didn't do it and you didn't know that's like Jack coming out as one now yeah we don't look bad we don't look bad I don't want you to be pedophobic You are on the posters with him You're like You would forever be associated Like anytime you're in any article after that I'd be like Am I in a film with this guy You're in a film with him You're close friends with him But people associate you with him You're like the new Ant and Dec Do you do any other films Not with him but over the next You said you shoot Stardom Are you then in other films without him You're just fucking mega rich because once every Christmas you get the royalties.

53:19It's on TV. It becomes a cult Christmas classic. We've not done anything. No. This isn't... We're just associated with them, though. It's like being in the band Lost Profits. Yeah, that would be shit. Yeah, but no one thinks the other guys are bad. They just don't buy the albums. I know, but all the other boys from the band have started new ventures and they get shit on Twitter all the time. Yeah, that's Twitter. Online, they get shit online. Does your wealth stop completely dry up? It still comes in. No, I don't think they're still playing the film if this guy's the worst ever pedo. They're not going to go, oh, well, we'll just play a Christmas movie now.

53:52Yeah, true. That movie's done. Yeah, that movie's done. You'll get a lot of money in the build-up to it. Yeah. I don't mind this one, but I've already got two, so I don't feel I need to take it. I'm not that fussed about being in a massive movie. I feel like this one's... Not too bad. Because you don't know. You don't know? We're going into it now thinking we do know. But we don't know. That's like everything, every venture, any of us have ever gone on, we're thinking the people we're doing it with are really nice people. Yeah. And that's what you'd just be doing it again. Yeah, but imagine in 10 years time, it comes out, Stevie's a massive...

54:28Why always me? Yeah. Massive nut. I'm with you. I'm with you. Even maybe like killed an infant, right? That is insane. Why have you just said that? That is fucking... Right. But that would look bad on me. All right, it's about you, is it? Fucking hell. Yeah. that would look bad on me I think as long as you do a little note screen grab and put it on Twitter you'll be alright, saying he didn't know he was a diddler actually, on this one occasion it would look bad on you because you have every single episode called him a pedophile this is the one time it would be on you, because they went well, you didn't know, there's 3000 times of you saying he was a pedophile so yeah, that's a bad idea I can't take it knowing I'm making that decision, do you know what I mean?

55:15I need it to accidentally happen. You've made that call and then you forget you've made that call. Yeah. Yeah, so I don't know. I'd take it. You're taking it? I'd take it. Because all you've got to do, once it all happens, you then get back in the press. You're doing a few interviews, aren't you? Yeah. To distance yourself from that. I did the film with him 15 years ago. Not really liked him since, to be honest. No, you're best mates, he said that. That's the fact. I was thinking five of the first, but he said you're hanging out with him. There's an Instagram picture of you last week with him and his family and you're like, Yeah, you were with him last week But you just say, I didn't know Stevie's got it Yeah, but there's people that You know, try and say that now And you don't believe it, do you?

55:55Jack's right, you actually don't fucking believe it I've not been in anything for the last 15 years either Anyway, it's not like I'm still like It's too late Stevie No, I'm saying that's a positive, I'm not still doing shit You're on-screen double-act Partners of people Don't say that, that's going to get clear You know you're my on-screen double-act partner So I'll just trip that one thing on the two shot of that sat nicely together Literally you Perfect From athletic stuff like a full court pick up game Swish To athletic stuff like a half mile stroll Get those steps in Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want At the prices that let you do it all From athletic to athletic Sierra's got it Brussels clean up nicely at Sweet Green maple glazed roasted and edges perfectly caramelized sweet greens fall harvest is back on the menu and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured you know what to do order on the sweet green app propel fitness water with gatorade electrolytes zero sugar and vitamins propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self.

57:08What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. Okay, this one's similar, so we can keep this one a bit shorter. But it's not a paedophile in this. You managed to get writing credits on the next big Christmas hit. It's played everywhere. You're bigger than Mariah, but there's a catch. You have to eat a two-foot... How big's two-foot? From my hand to where? There. A two-foot long... No, that's one foot, mate. No, one foot's only for... No, a foot's 30 centimetres, mate. Sounds like a foot. Two foot. Okay, you have to eat a two foot, three foot, three foot pig in blanket every day for the rest of your life.

57:51Fucking hell. You put on weight. It does what it does. The pig does what the pig does. It's girth. What, just have some writing credit on the song? Imagine the royalties. Yeah. Wait, your life is ruined. I'm dead. You can have a Christmas like Alfie's providing for people with them kind of royalties. You can't talk with a calendar video. I bet you get way more than£1 ,000 every Christmas. Yeah, I do. I get about£300. I know. Honestly, that's a lovely little, like, you get£300. Shall we have a look? Where does it go? Into my ad sense. How much money do you think? This will actually be an interesting little clip.

58:23Clip this out. Someone. I've got no one who does the clips now. Just speaking to the ether. Right. So we want to know how much the Zoella advent calendar video has made, yeah? This month. I looked at this recently. I was actually blown away by it, to be fair. Zoella. What's your guess? Well, you just said 300, so I'm guessing it's got to be close to that because you said you looked at it this month. I thought it would be more. Oh, it's less. It's way less, but that was November. Estimated revenue in the last month. Oh, so the month of November was£145. Wow. It will go way more than that. Yeah, I was going to say, that's November.

59:03Yeah. That's pre-advent calendar video season. And every year it goes like this throughout the year, December. December. Yeah, it's mad. It's absolutely mad. Can I ask an important question for this pig and blanket one? Take away, let's go back. When we fought three foot, we've enlarged the whole pig and blanket by that. But are we talking normal girth of pig and blanket for three foot? Yeah, it must be. Or are you making a pick and blanket massive? It's like a butcher's sausage. Way more doable than what I naturally picked. How many calories? That's still quite a big blanket. Yeah, I need the calories.

59:38I need the calories on it. I reckon core, Robbie, it's about seven. About seven sausages? Fuck. It's about, and the bacon. It's the only death that's put me off, if I'm honest. And as well, like every day of your life. Yeah, for brekkie. But then I wouldn't enjoy my life. I think I'm actually fine with eating it. It's the health risks of it. Really? I could eat seven sausages. Yeah, you could, but then you'd put on weight. Yeah, as well as I mean. And then you'd also not be able to eat. You might be full for ages. It's like, I fucking can't go out for brunch because I've had that fucking pig and blanket again.

1:00:18Well, can't I have the pig and blanket at a restaurant for brunch? What do you want? I'm going to have the gorilla. What do you have?

1:00:26what happens if i fail to eat it one day like i just physically can't um yeah that's a good point it all goes away and it never happens you rewind in time yeah yeah you've never got the money everything you bought with the money disappears so it's all pointless up to that point. But you keep the weight you've put on. No, I'm out, I'm out. I can't do it. I just don't, I don't think it'd be feasible. I'll tell you now, you're annually, every December, you're probably earning about two and a half mil. It's good though, isn't it? It's good money. Good money. I could probably have a Christmas like Alfie's.

1:01:06God's sake. There's nowhere near that. I don't know. What, nowhere near two and a half mil? No. Two real tops. Who's having it then? You. You're having it. I don't know. That is such a curse. I don't mind the eating It's the health You know what You just run it off though Yeah you just run it off If it's a thousand calories That's an hour round Every day though You might be ill Don't have to eat If you're ill Run an hour a day I will say this If you just don't want it one day You fail the task If you are actually ill You can skip those days Yeah but he's saying ill For longer than a day It's just You can't decide to not have it You have to have it every day I think that's such a curse I'd probably do it then Yeah but you're still getting The health negatives and I don't know if this is three foot or not but this is how big it is I'm telling you it's this big that big no way I'm out there's not enough money in the world I so want pigs in blanket now and I think that's really affecting my decision making I think we should try and make a three foot long to really visualise at some point just get like seven sausages together and wrap the bacon all around and eat it in a day I need the whole thing I'll bring them to an episode one day we'll have three foot long next Christmas and we will do it because Fiona will write it down on her notes write it down Fiona and I will make three foot long pigs in blanket we need four three foot long because we've all got to attempt it yeah alright I will go to the butchers and ask them to make it that's going to cost four grand they might they might be able to make it if you request it specifically that's what I just said that's what I said I think they might be able to do it as all as one rather than us just buying seven yeah that's why I just said it who's taking it then am I dead does it make sense who's Robbie's having it I know I've already got two how many have I got two yeah I'm hungry I love it Robbie's got it so Robbie's got all three Alfie's got two Stevie's got two and Jack's got one little bit different one you get 15 ,000 Tesco club card points

1:03:19You live 300 miles away from the nearest Tesco. Obviously not. Are you mental? Can you order? Is that the two things? How much petrol? When I'm eating a massive sausage? No, I don't have had that. Can't you use the club card points on experience days? You can swap them for air miles. That's literally what you can do with club card points. Yeah, we go to Pizza Express on our club card points. Yeah. You live 300 miles from the nearest Tesco. I didn't know that I've got so many club club points you can do loads with it's really good it scales it up as well we got like three I think I got like pizza and lasagna and like something else like for free it was well good mine automatically changed to air miles for what companies?

1:04:00Virgin Atlantic wow they did change it down to like a two times instead of three times which made me sad three times what? so say you wanted to go to Fort Park and a Fort Park ticket's 40 quid if you had like 15 quid of club card points. That's a ticket. Like three times your amount. So you'd be 45 quid for Fort Park. They've dropped that to two times. Yeah, it was two times. I didn't know that. Yeah, mate. There's so much. It's genuinely good. How many is 15 ,000? It does feel like a brand deal, doesn't it? Yeah. I use my club card points all the time. I worked at Tesco's when club card came out.

1:04:31Did you? Mad times. Why? What happened? It was great. You should be able to get a student club card as well. Some woman on our checkouts went mental just scanning her own club card. And then obviously people found out, went, how come you've got a billion club card points to get sacked, gazing, winged under the police? She was launched. Crazy times. That's actually fraudulent. Yes, she went to prison. She went to prison, but she did get arrested. Fucking hell for club carding. That's dedication. I paid for my last, when I went to Chessington a few months ago, all through club card points. Don't have to pay real money.

1:05:04That's madness. I must be minted. I've got some club card points. now. Yeah. How many's good? How many's good? Well, it shows you in money, so you'll know. What's the app? What's the app called? Clubcard? Or Tesco. It might just be called Tesco now. Oh, yeah. Tesco. I am so excited. Come on, we're old as fuck, aren't we? Yeah. I haven't got my phone. Points. Oh, triple point marketplace is on. Go on, son. Is it? Is it? How do you know about all this? I've got 263 points. How many have you got, Robbie? That's£2.63. 16 pound in vouchers as well. I'm saying mine automatically convert to virgin points.

1:05:41I've got 4 ,062. What? No, you haven't. No way. No, you've got 51 quid of vouchers, Jack. Jack, you've got 51 pounds. And it fucking two X's me. You can have a lot of the stuff. Not until the 31st of August, 2026. That's the earliest vouchers. Where's my 16 pound one? If you go, oh, Jack, in like rewards or whatever, you can then spend these and it doubles for other things. I'm rich. Guys, I'm rich. I've got 55 ,000 virgin points. Every time I do a pod with him I get a thousand.

1:06:23Every time I do a pod with Stevie. There we go, Jack. You've got 51 quid. You can literally just pay for your petrol with that. You have a Tesla, mate. I've got a guy skating at Somerset House off peak. This is brilliant. I never knew this it does sound like we're doing an ad now yeah it does but to be fair it would be the best ad ever yeah it would be it would be what I think about all this stuff you know sometimes they do these deals they're still gonna make is everything just marked up loads yeah must be no not like everything in the shops how are we just getting free shit is the club card price the price it should be yeah yeah two of them are mental prices yeah to a degree yeah but also you gotta give Tesco your information to sign up to one.

1:07:08Oh, no. Don't want that. Don't do the voice, guys. They don't like the voice. They don't like the voice. So who wants 15 ,000 Tesco club? I obviously did. I can't. No, because he said we're not allowed to spend on the other things. But you didn't know that was a thing. No, you're not allowed. You're not allowed. Well, then what's the point? You can go to Tesco. Because there's no downside. You're just getting these points. Yeah, but then 300 miles to the nearest Tesco. You can't get it delivered. You can't go then buy frozen stuff and travel 300 miles. Look what you're doing. you're doing a when I'm next away somewhere when I'm next on a holiday or wait for something like that I'll just do a big shop and then get everyone to give me the money but what are you buying because you can't you can't get fridge or frozen cans of tuna why don't you get the crisps and chocolate every year we go away with Bev's friends we go to a big house there's like seven families there's like 30 odd people there I'll go I'll do the shop I'll use my club card points there and then when I split it I won't tell them I'll use my club card points and the money back you've already got three I don't want this I'll feel too under pressure to drive I would love this 15 ,000, what is that?

1:08:11There's no downside I think that's 1 ,500 pounds I think the downside is that you have these points but you have to drive yeah I suppose you don't you agreed to shit yourself so you can drink which you're not going to do anyway and now you're going, oh I've got some club cup ones if you don't use them, you don't use them I might take it it's because you know I want it it helps I want it 15 you don't want it Robbie's convinced me 15 ,000 club card points is worth about £300 Alfie can have it I'll have it you have it thank you 300 miles for 300 quid I think that'll be something better that's going to cost I think that'll be something better that's like 90 100 quid in petrol as well so right I've got it as far as much as I thought final three your hero so it's up to you who that is have a good think now boys your hero calls you on Christmas morning just wants a 30 minute catch up see how you've been getting on see how your year is that's whoever you want it to be in the world 30 minutes, a long time I'll be cooking breakfast as long as you want, 5 minutes if you want you're going to hang up on your hero I don't know who my hero is yours could be who is mine he's going to clip that right if we maybe are going to make clips of the show we make it that bit not the bit where I said I call him I was like well anyone anyone you want Alfie for you it could be Wes Burns

1:09:43do you not like Wes Burns anymore? no I like watching him play football I don't he's injured Harry Styles nah I would actually be I'd be a bit like really? who would yours be then? I don't know Steve Merchant no because I think in that case I'd be like he doesn't want to be cool on me no he does there is no amount of he does you saying it and him actually being does that I would think that in this world he does he goes I want to see I like that pod elf son I want to hear how his year's been he's a fan of yours mate he's a fan of yours that would be good yeah calls you up see when you're round Carl Pilkington yeah you can have Liam Gallagher you can be anyone you want and they love you can that change every year can you change the person each year this only happened once It's just a one-off thing.

1:10:30Oh, okay. We don't know. What was the downside? But there's a catch. When they hang up, you hear them say to their spouse, yeah, he's nice, but he's just a bit of a melt. Alpha, you can have it. That's a curse. That's awful. That's ripping it away from you. That's a traumatic experience. He's saying he's nice. He's just a bit of a melt. You are. No, I know. You are. But I don't want to hear Steve Merchant saying that. Like his jumper he's got on. Literally just absolute melt. That would cause me a great deal of stress. Would it? Yeah. I just don't really want that happening. I've got a lot on Christmas morning.

1:11:10Five minute call with Tim Lovejoy. Yeah. It can be anyone you want. Yeah. Can even be a relative that passed away. And then I hear them in the afterlife going, God, he's nice. He's a pill and milk. You can have this, mate. I think that's yours, Jack. This is my last one. Who would you choose? Me, I would... Timothy Shaloway. Bob Robin. I just don't think there's anyone I'd care enough about for that situation. Okay, well, I've got it now. Okay, last two. And there's a one between you and Alfie. Yeah, take one each. Oh my word, whoever gets this one, the other one's just given to the other. Would you like me to do A or B first?

1:11:58B. Okay. you get to read minds at christmas and but only for 10 minutes every early december per person so for example you can call your mum up talk us about anything but find out secretly what she desires most this means so you can get good you can become the best present buyer ever you don't get any extra money you have to fund that but everyone you know you can buy the perfect thing but there's a catch one of the amazing gifts you get for someone at random will actually be a dildo so this really minds are you going to uncover things you don't want to know it's only going to be when they think about what they'd really want you've got it bang what if one of the presents they thought of was a dildo so am i then getting two dildos yeah two yeah i don't want this gets wrapped up and they open it at christmas time dildo yeah i think there's one at random no way no way no way you don't want it i'll just risk trying to buy the right present see here's i'm thinking in-laws i'm thinking but you can make an excuse you can go sorry that was meant for someone else

1:13:13i think i think i'm not gonna risk it my again a lot of these with the doubt the catchers very awkward when a lot of them involve Isaac. Yeah. There's my issue. Anyone else, I wouldn't be too fussed. Sorry about that. Oh, it's a lightsaber. Yeah. Yeah, but then he's playing with it. Yeah, that then implies I've got to let him keep it. Yeah. Rather than be like, oh, not for you. It's a poisonous snake. Put that in the bin. It'll spit at you. What dildos have you used? No. You used a flashlight. like that's quite like a dildo it's a backwards one bring that up on here that's one of my worst thoughts i guess i i i promise you i will think about that i'd say five times a year that's mad that is mad it's fucking i think that's a new issue when do you think when he whereabouts are you when you think of it using your flashlight straight after he's shattered i don't know if one's brought up or like just suddenly it will spring upon me and i just picture you laying on the bed.

1:14:19How often a fleshlight is brought up in conversation? Because the last time I spoke about it was when he did. It's bollocks anyway. I was making it up for a laugh. That's not bollocks. You left it on the windowsill and it went mouldy. So horrible. That's a Nick Helm joke. What? That's a Nick Helm gag. What is? Don't worry about it. You're just saying things. Oh, you don't need to go into fleshlights now. Yeah, leave it. We're at the end of the ep, mate. So who wants to take this? I'll take this because that's bearable. I could just about handle it and I don't know what the last one is at all so going in blind is scary this is matter that some of these are so horrific one was just you can get 15 000 club car points i was going no i'll fit my pants okay so before we say this last one i'm actually going to submit it to alfie because he has to take it yeah so this is what it is you wake up on christmas night and discover in your bedroom at the end of your bed is actually father christmas it is santa he is real and he says alfie i have chosen you out of every person in this world to make a YouTube documentary about me.

1:15:18I'll show you my powers. You go outside, you can see his flying reindeers. You become known as the guy that's discovered Father Christmas across all of the world. That's amazing. He says, I film my entire life, I'll take you to Lapland, I'll show you the elves, everything. You're with him for a whole year. But he's a cat. He's a massive Don't say paedophile. He's a massive fucking racist. I've spent a whole year with him. that's more annoying for him than me true i live in a place where there's loads of fucking racism it doesn't bother me they're the ones have to see me in their parking space getting all funny why do you keep parking in their space fucking racist mate fuck you i'm gonna take your space that's really good that's yeah yeah but you're gonna be there filming him and while you're he's going to be going where are you really from where are you really from can he keep in the racism in the YouTube video yeah imagine that narrative running through no you have to build you have to build the narrative that he is the loveliest man in the world and he is shouting slurs at you what's he saying I don't know I'm not racist I wouldn't even know what would you imagine I don't know I don't know so what are you doing you're going to idolise and put this man on a pedestal even though he's being I think I would definitely do that yeah yeah 100 % I think that's brilliant okay that's uh that's concluded nicely there so let me give you a little run run through of what you've all got to do alfie you get a thousand pounds every december but you have to queue up for 45 minutes per gift also on top of that you can drink whatever you want throughout december you'll never get a hangover but you will shit yourself at one point and finally you discover that santa is real you get to make a documentary about him for your platform but he's a racist racist bastard robbie you get an instantly cooked perfect christmas dinner whenever you want it thank you but remember you have to eat 25 brussel 30 brussel sprouts before you start also robbie you get a six pack and a toned body for christmas but you have to unironically call bev's mama's slag at some point during christmas dinner and then to finish you get a writing credit on the new christmas smash hit that will eventually surpass mariah carey but again Do you know the worst thing, that one, is that Bersamom doesn't really spend Christmas with us.

1:17:35I'm going to have to phone her. But because you've got that credit, you have to eat a three-foot pig and blanket every day for the rest of your life. Anyway. Stevie, you get to have the ultimate perfect Christmas once every four years. The other three is a bit meh. You also get a role in a super famous Christmas movie alongside Bob Robbins. But unfortunately, in 10 to 15 years, Bob Robbins comes out as kind of like that bloke from that band that one's not great is it? no that's not great, that's really not good you also get to read minds at Christmas to find out what everybody's perfect Christmas present would be and unfortunately you are giving one of them a dildo wrapped up with a bow on it but the fact is that when you think about them together if that guy's come out as a paedophile and then you give a kid a dildo If I mistake, then you're kind of fucked.

1:18:28Yeah, you are fucked. I get a free scratch card every day in December up to Christmas, but I don't clean my fingernails. That one was shit. Yeah, that's all. They're dirty and black, them ones. I've also got given 15 ,000 Tesco Club. Mental that one was in there. That one, no. I don't know why I didn't fight harder for that one. That's insane, yeah. I get 15 ,000 Tesco Club card points, but I live 3 ,000 miles away from the nearest Tesco, and finally my hero calls me on Christmas Day for a 30-minute chat, but as a catch, when they hang up, I hear them say, he's nice, but he's a bit of a melt. Who are you picking as your hero?

1:19:02I don't know. Probably some footballer or something. Go on. Can I be dead? It's your game, mate. Will it not be Mark Known? John Kearns. He's not a footballer. You could have a phone conversation with him without the melt. Yeah, don't think that is that. You've met him. Yeah. He'd probably walk away thinking you're a melt, but you wouldn't hear him say it. He will now. I'm just trying to think of someone who's brilliant. Merchant. There we go. This has been Jack Makes Happy Hour podcast with the brilliant Alfie Endra, the wonderful Robbie Knox, and the pretty lovely Stevie White. There you go.

1:19:41I'm festive. I'm in the festive spirit. We'll see you in a few days for another ep, and next Christmas, so not the one coming up. We're going to eat massive pigs and blankets. Yeah, because we need to give you time to order them from the pictures, so it won't be this year, But it will be in 2026. See you in a bit. Bye.

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