618 - RICKY GERVAIS RETURNS! - 1.5 Hour Special!

26:53I've thought this through I haven't thought anything through water alcohol I've eaten one alcohol yeah what one well Dutch Barn obviously perfect easy innit yeah water alcohol

27:09can I have a shampoo and conditioner in one if you go for a two in one yeah yeah you can yeah I don't think anyone's ever people people have said shampoo before yeah yeah fair enough smart

27:28Oh, Novocaine. Fucking hell, that's good. Yeah, just like... Yeah, bang. Bang. Yeah. Is that liquid then, is it? Must be. Well, it could be, couldn't it? Yeah. I love that. I've beaten on a point of logic again.

27:45Liquid.

27:51I could have morphine as well, couldn't I? Petrol? I'm just off my head now But I'm not thirsty Petrol? It's like a superhero Ah, I've broken down It's my nephew's bar mitzvah Don't worry, mate

28:14Hero I rate that yeah that's a good five good five are you forcing petrol upon him? no I think he likes the idea do you like the idea? nah

28:31what have I got? water Dutch barn Dutch barn should say Dutch barn novocaine whenever possible novocaine do I need morphine and mobile? I might as well is that like the same thing then? well it's a painkiller isn't it? but one sort of real you can have that recreationally Logan sits in the corner sucking his thumb all day at least he's still got thumbs what about yeah I've got my shampoo don't they look nice oh yeah two in one yeah fair enough well let's talk about Dutch Barn yeah that's a nice little segue yeah vodka yeah so multiple flavours how does it work is there just the one there's the classic Dutch Barn Dutch Barn is my brand of vodka that I co-own, made from British apples, so it tastes great.

29:24It's from a distillery in Yorkshire. And, yeah, we've got multiple flavours now. There's the classic. We've got a ginger spiced out recently. Nice. Some of the profit goes to saving donkeys. Why not? Wait, so did you choose this? Because Dutch Balm was about, wasn't it? And then you came on board. Yeah. So did you choose, were they already big on the donkeys or did you bring that? No, that was a recent thing that we also found out, we wanted to do something for charity. I always wanted to do something for charity when I can. And they came up with that because apparently donkeys love ginger. I think it actually came because they were making a Moscow mule.

30:11Yeah. But you can't call it a Moscow mule anymore. Can you not? Not politically correct, is it? What, the drink? Because of Russia. Is it? No, I mean calling it a Moscow mule. They thought, oh, I shouldn't call it a Moscow mule. I'm thick. I don't know what you're wearing. Well, what's happening is Ukraine, right? Right, okay. That on the nose. Fair enough. I was thinking, what's a mule? Well, a mule. That's not the dodgy bit. No, yeah. But I think there isn't a mule sanctuary. So we called it a lazy donkey because it's easy to make. Okay. And that's vodka and what? Ginger beer, I think. Okay, right.

30:53And then we thought, oh, it's called a lazy donkey. Let's give it the donkeys. Nice. Not all of it. Let's keep a little bit for ourselves. Well, you know I'm thick. Yeah. No. Can you? That's too quick. That's the question I've answered quickest, isn't it? Yeah, everyone else, you've pondered. You've pondered everyone. What does it mean? And I kind of get it. So Dutch Barn is committed to being carbon neutral. Yes. But what does that mean? Well, they just have to look at what goes in and what goes out. It's sort of just give and take. It can be anything. Some people, I use private jets that are carbon neutral because they plant loads of trees or fly at a different level or use the pressure.

31:45So they can look at their carbon footprint and go, right, I'm burning a lot of fuel there, so I'm going to plant a forest here. Oh, wow, right. I'm going to do it made of aluminium, which is easier to transport. So I'm using a lot of special transport. So you just have to, you try and balance out your footprint, really. I mean, I sometimes think, I don't know, when you think that sort of the UK accounts for less than 1 % of carbon emissions, it's a bit like a drop in the ocean, really. You're recycling and then you look and you go, Jesus Christ. Vegas has let up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the idea.

32:34Yeah, you try and leave the planet slightly better off than you found it. Right. Because that's something that Dutch Barn have done from the start, isn't it? Yeah, well, that was the first thing that attracted me to it. Because you get these offers all the time, right? And you'll go, no, no, no. I've always said no. And then this one was a friend of a friend. I said, you should really look at this. And I met the guy, and I really liked the ethos of it. And I'm vegan, so I liked all that. um uh i thought oh it is selling alcohol though and alcohol is bad for you and i go but you drink so it's not like you're being a hypocrite then i spoke to him and how ethical it was and the employment is is really ethical and they get up share and all and all this and then i started then he started saying we want you to make it famous uh i'm going can i do what i want though and he went you can do what you want i'm really and i said to my agent let's let me do some adverts first so we see because some people say do what you want and they see it and they go oh not that so I did some adverts and he went perfect I went really?

33:37so I did those adverts and it was about I think I must have spoken to him for about two weeks before I even tasted it and then it was great so it ticked all the boxes and of course it could be a great investment but that was down the line I just wanted to make sure I wasn't hurting the planet more than I had to and then I just had great fun doing the adverts I still love it, I still coming up with stuff because it's like a playground for me if I can do things that you know, don't destroy the world and it's fun, and it makes a bit of money or not, that is usually sort of third it's the fun I like, it's still the fun in everything you were saying that the chickens thing, 10 ,000, well, I don't, I don't want to do anything for money anymore.

34:35I don't, I don't need to, but I never really did. Yeah. But I don't need to, so it's got to be something else. And for me, it's the, it's the joy, it's the pleasure. This episode is brought to you by eBay. Oh, I'm a big fan of eBay. So am I, Stevie, especially the eBay app. It seems like you can find absolutely anything on there. I mean, I use it for so many different things from window wipers to my car, to just really cool flannel shirts that I wear every week on this show. And do you remember my old brown one with the zip that I liked? I do, and you couldn't find it because you lost it and then couldn't buy it again from the same place.

35:09I was spending ages trying to find it online, and then I downloaded the eBay app, and I found it in about 20 minutes. True story. Oh, mate, I literally just scroll through it and window shop even when I'm not looking for anything specific, and I'll always find something I want. Yeah, going back to my shirt, there was about four or five different photos on there, and it arrived exactly how it looked in the photos. I was buzzing. Well, you know when you're buying on eBay, you'll always find some hidden gems. Yep, when you find great deals, you can't help but say, when it's eBay. This episode is brought to you by Born in Roma fragrances by Valentino Beauty, the iconic fragrance duo.

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36:26I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyers rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. So do you get to, you don't have a, because we see these Dutch barn adverts popping up at the moment. Some of the fake ones online are funny as well. Do you, is it just you that's coming up with them then? Yeah, with all those ones, they do do their own as well that are more corporate and they have other people in them and they do their own thing. but anything that's to do with me that I tweet, that I'm in, they're all my, they let me do my ideas.

37:02Because a few of them ideas didn't get through quite. No, quite a few of them actually. And that's why adverts aren't very good. They're not allowed to be. No, right. You can't be something mildly edgy or funny or cheeky. Not even online? You can't even do that? Yeah, you can online. Oh, okay. But that's where we went. We thought, we kept getting things, you know, put back in like, you know, TV and cinema and that. So let's just do it all online. And we got some billboards. I think I went past one, the bus one the other day. First time you'll see, last time you'll see Ricky on a bus. The only time you'll see Ricky on a bus.

37:34Yeah. So, yeah, which is, I suppose that's fine. It's like, even that, you know, some people, you know, get a little bit offended. But as long as you can justify it. I've got some of my favourites down here. Go on. I don't think these made the cut. but you've got one day you'll be underground for good. Yeah, they pulled that back. They said it was just me drinking, and it was for the London Underground. One day you'll be underground for good. And they pulled that back. They said we got an email saying this could be construed as because life is so short, you might as well drink to excess. I went, well, that's not – well, no, that's a leap, isn't it?

38:18Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Dutch Barn, your tube driver's favourite drink in the morning. Right, to be fair. To be fair, we knew that wouldn't even get through. We didn't even enter that. Right. Are there a few of those that you were like, this is never going anywhere. See, enjoy life. You'll be dead soon. That's nice. To the point. Dutch Barn, drugs this good are usually illegal. Yeah. Good. Buying Dutch Barn. Well, some people, they don't like, Apparently, you're not allowed. They asked me to take one down when I did. I did the thing where I was on my laptop going, hi, Rick, is your age at Tacoma Dutch Barn?

38:57I've just been looking at, and I was looking at government websites. So you're not allowed to say that alcohol makes you more attractive, makes you more fun, all this sort of stuff, chills you up. But you are allowed to say it is a psychotropic drug, similar to cocaine. and I go hold on these are the bad bits that was the joke yeah they said you're not allowed to equate it with illegal drugs but that's a government website saying it is it is a psychotropic drug similar to weed, cocaine or whatever yeah but they don't like you saying that right weird isn't it yeah yeah buying Dutch Balm will make a person rich and happy yeah and that person is Ricky Gervais That was the first one I came up with.

39:47That got through. That was out there, yeah. Right. Well, how's it been going then since you've taken it home? Really good. It's really good. It's like, it's hard work. Is it? It's like a full-time job, you know, because, you know, never mind making it a global brand, people don't realise how hard it is to make ends meet. You know, there's a lot of work that goes into it, and we distill it so many times, and it's sort of handcrafted. It's not like a big, you know, some vodkas are literally, they make ethanol and dilute it. This is, so we've got to charge a bit more. You know, we use the recycled bottles and all that.

40:34But it's going really well and it's really picked up. We've seen the biggest difference since the billboards. Yeah, I read that you had like 30 ,000 new signups. A hundred and something thousand. Fucking hell. So that's really good. So people have engaged with that and they want to be part of it. And that's what you do. You sort of build a community because there's so many vodkas out there. You want people to want to be associated with it. Right. And by any, you know, they're all 40 % ethanol, really. So everything matters. The association, the bottle, the ethos. Yeah. So you have to get that out there for them to decide.

41:12I like that they seem to be doing the limited edition bottles as well. Yeah, we did 550 black, which is 50 % proof, and only 500 bottles, and they're all numbered. And they sold out in a minute, which is great. I'm a sucker for any limited edition kind of thing like that. So am I. It's lovely, and it is beautiful. It looks like a collector's item. It's weighty and real. And as long as you always provide what you said, as long as you do whatever it is as long as it's up there with the best in that field yeah I don't think you can you can go wrong nah really we should get a couple of bottles and put them in the back yeah love it now Rick in front of Banbury United and Smash just put it I can't believe we've got two brag things on there that's too much unbelievable but you've got nothing in now as we said at the top of the show 2018's when you last came on so you just finished Afterlife Season 1 so since that You've done two seasons of Afterlife.

42:13I think you did the Golden Globes again. You've been here and everywhere. What's been a highlight of the last few years? What sticks out to you? First thing that came to mind then was the Hollywood Bowl. Oh, yeah. I played that twice. And that's where I broke the world record for the box office, which was good. And I went back there and did that again this year, which is always amazing. It's still amazing. And I think that's the association as well, because I think the people, you know, the Beatles, and Monty Python in there. And it is quite magical. Right. Because it's huge. It's like you're just playing California, you know.

42:52Does it ever, when you do these arenas, because I think you've done, is it 80 arenas you've done this tour? Does it ever lose its awe? No, I really appreciate it. And you do the same job everywhere. But it's weird that I can play arenas in places where English is their second language. That still surprises me. And do you feel, are the audiences any different? Do you feel it takes a minute or like a second more? Because I was worried about playing an arena anywhere in Europe. But my promoter put it in context, really. He said, if you play Paris on a Tuesday, you're playing everyone in Paris who speaks English.

43:38if you play Paris on a Saturday you're playing Europe which is true, they just come from all over I meet them on the streets, they go we've come from Italy, we've come from Croatia Europe's so easy you're two hours from everywhere so that catchment area is hundreds of millions of people so then it starts making sense why you can sell 10 ,000 tickets because there's a lot of places in Europe speak perfect English Think of Scandinavia, Netherlands, Germany. So I have to pinch myself with that sometimes. It's weird. And I don't know quite how it happened. I suppose first The Office went everywhere, then Netflix went everywhere.

44:31But the Hollywood Bowl was the first time I felt a bit nervous. Oh, really? Yeah. because people kept coming and going, oh, Dave Grohl's in. All right, okay, okay, okay. It's like... Oh, would you rather not know? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Because first thing I think of is, have I got a joke about him? That's the first thing. Yeah. Yeah. How big is that crowd, Hollywood Bowl? Well, it's not the amount. I think it's like 18 ,500 if it's round. Because I imagine once you go past 10 ,000, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah, right. But it's the sheer... it's not like they're crammed into a building.

45:07It's like, it looks like it never ends. But I felt like with the soundtrack, I just thought, well, this is bigger than a building. Yeah. And they're sort of... I was worried about everything when I first did it. First thing I said was, what if it rains? I said, it hasn't rained for fucking three years. You'll be fine. Yeah. I was going, but what about the echo? They went, there's no echo because there's no walls. I went, oh, of course not, there's no echo. So what if the wind blows the wrong way? They've got speakers everywhere. I went, okay. Now you've figured that out, mate. What if he doesn't sell?

45:35That's the biggest. What if he doesn't sell? That's the worst thing. Right. You know. Yeah. But it was all okay, so I did it again. Do you find, obviously, British humour and American humour is different. Do you find certain jokes you do live work better in the UK than they do in America? I don't think people are as different as we think. No? No, I think if they understand the language you're speaking, they're pretty much the same. If I was to do a set here and you saw a graph of the laughs, it would be pretty much the same there. Would it? Yeah. That surprises me, yeah. Outside cultural reference.

46:19Right, okay, yeah. I realise that we don't have the same little sayings either. like I remember I had a joke the punchline was I'd kick myself and I remember they don't get that they don't get they speak English perfectly but they don't say I'd kick myself they're thinking I think it was Copenhagen I'm like yeah of course that doesn't make sense I'd kick myself right they go why would you kick yourself yeah because it's not we take these things for granted yeah so you must be able to keep your mind on that when you're wrong well you find out you soon find out if you don't know you find out the first time they go, it's the language there.

46:58So outside cultural reference, you know, what was on telly last night. What about swearing? Does swearing translate? Yeah, they know everyone says, everyone says our words. Right. You know, or they know what, I know what, they know what you're saying. Yeah. And if they don't understand it, it doesn't matter, it doesn't get in the way. It's like, it might as well be a preposition or something. Right. But no, no, it's pretty much the, sometimes I talk a little bit slower and clear, which doesn't hurt. that's that's a that's probably a good thing yeah um but uh i you can't tell the difference if it's a if you pick the right place you just you you can't tell the difference no is there a particular country or a crowd that like blew you away that you were surprised by how good they were as a crowd well it's usually the winner they're all great honestly and i'm surprised every time every time i come i go oh my god that was amazing i'm still shocked that they get everything everywhere and this myth that London, they do that like that the Palladium is one of the best venues in the world London crowds are great, every crowd is great because they're your fans it's not like I've randomly if I turned up to watch your team, West Ham play and did a gig, probably wouldn't go that well but all those people have paid a week's wages to see me they're already there for me everywhere around the world.

48:23It should be easy. Right. You still got to put the work in. You still got to come up with the goods. Yeah. But no, I forgot your question. Which countries have the best crowds? I'd say, I don't know if it's a country, but Dublin is always one better. That's ours. That's literally, we took this pod on tour and that was by a mile Dublin crowd. Go up for the crack. Yeah, we went to Belfast the day after and expected the same. It was different. Of course. Yeah, that's very different. No, I love every one I played in Dublin. Yeah, it fucking did. Yeah. The other thing that I noticed is the first few gigs after COVID.

49:10Right, everyone was buzzing to be back. That was like the end of the war. Yeah. You know, that was like, we're back. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, I probably, they're all pretty good. Again, once you get to 10 ,000 people who want to be there, you'd have to really get some heavy scientific equipment to tell the difference. Right. But Dublin seems to do it. Yeah, I'm so glad you said that. That was exactly what we thought. Now, Rick, we're going to put you on the spot here. After the back of the success of Afterlife, we've got 10 big Ricky Gervais projects here. We want you to do a blind ranking. So these are ideas you come up with for me?

49:55No, no. So these are things you've been in or made. And we want you to rate them one to 10. Is this without knowing what one's coming next? Yeah. Although you have a bit of a cheat code because you know what you've done. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know what you're going to do though. Yeah. You don't know what order. Right. Okay. Kick us off. Life is short. You've got one to ten. Needs to go somewhere on there. You can't check. We'll let you do one move at the end, but the most are locked in.

50:27So I'll be careful. So depending on what you're doing, it might be eight. Eight. Life is short. Okay, next up. Oh, it's going to just be all the worst things I've ever done now, isn't it? Next up is extras.

50:48four it's way too seriously that's what we like Ghost Town oh I love that film but I love that film but oh I didn't think that I was in that wasn't mine yeah could be either oh it's a fantastic film beautiful Is it better than extras? Well, it's a film, so it's different. And it's just, oh, it's so timeless and lovely. I love that film. That was my first lead in a Hollywood film. I fell in love with New York. That's why I bought a place in New York. I bought it. It was shot in the Upper East Side, so we bought a place in the Upper East Side. It means so much to me, that film. But it isn't mine.

51:40So, you know, full disclosure, that's why I'm doing this I can't claim it I can't claim it as mine yeah where do I put extras? four and life is short eight

51:56oh it's five or three I don't know which way to go I'll go five five ghost town in five next up personal not my favourite one I really love Derek hold on though because I'm thinking of what's to come next yeah What have I got? I've only got three places above extras, haven't I? You've got one, two, three. Yeah. And then you've got six, seven, nine, ten. See, I know what I'm holding out for for my top three. Right. It's whether we put them in there, though. They're likely to be in there, though. Okay. Don't give hints. We want him to stress. Okay. I've got three left, have I? Top three left. I would put Derek three if I think I know what one and two might be.

52:39Well, you've got about six more to come. Derek in three I'll put Derek in three Derek in three just because I loved it I loved making it I loved it yeah the Ricky Gervais show I can't put it I can't put it higher because I'm there's two other so I've got what's the next what's the next one six just below Ghost Town six then we have The Invention of Lying oh the first film the first film I wrote and directed these are These are all special. This is why it's tough, Ricky. This is your life's work. Being 10 isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just 10 of a great list. Next one. Seven. An idiot abroad.

53:25What have I got? Eight? You've got nine, ten, one, two. Where's life's too short? Eight. Eight. Yeah, you've got one, two, nine. I haven't got seven left then, have I? No, that's the invention of the lion. it's got to go it's got to go below Life's Too Short then because I can't put it in one and two in case yeah no so okay okay we've got three left and then we're going for Life on the Road

53:55you've got one, two and ten again I've got a whole two I've got a whole two top spot so it's got to go next down yeah that's ten and then we have The Office number one number one and then Afterlife two There we go. Okay. We give you one swap. Yeah, we'll give you one swap. So this is your confirmed list. So in number one, we have The Office. In number two, we have Afterlife. Three, Derek. Four, extras. Five, Ghost Town. Six, The Ricky Gervais Show. Seven, The Invention of Lying. Eight, Life's Too Short. Nine, An Idiot Abroad. And ten, Life on the Road. I'm very happy with that. Okay. And I could do a binary sort on every one of them and go, if we're doing this, it's the opposite.

54:36It's the swap round. but I'm very very happy the way that came out there's no there's no terrible embarrassments and I yeah you could have really scuppered me that's a solid list though isn't it it's a good it's a good top ten isn't it I was thinking are they going to do a Golden Globes are they going to do a you know so we thought about chugging a few rogue ones in there but we went for that I'm happy with that how have everything you've ever written Rick in your whole career is there if you could go back and rewrite a plot line or a story or change an ending would you Yeah. That's a difficult one because one little thing changes everything.

55:13There's nothing out there that go, oh, I absolutely hate that being there. I wish that hadn't happened because I've always had sort of final edit. So it's tricky. I always think that in general as well. Like, oh, is there something you wish you had done that didn't go well? I think, well, yeah, but when I did that, someone saw it and said, you can do this. And I go, oh, great. So it's where you are now that counts. You are the sum of all the things you've done. And changing something could change all that. Again, I take this way too seriously. But I did this. Someone asked me online once. If you could go back and there was Hitler and Stalin.

55:57You had one bullet. Who would you kill? I go, well, neither, because it might change the future. I might kill Hitler and I come back I'm living in a bin can't risk it can't risk it I love what you said before as well years ago I can't remember where it was when you said about killing baby Hitlers shooting a baby aren't you I know it's so funny how people angst over that people often say to me if you go back and witness one event what you do again people say oh the Gettysburg Address you know all this and that and I think it'd probably be something quite scientific I'd like to see how did they come up with that and I thought Einstein coming up with E equals MC squared that'd be amazing but I thought yeah but he probably took years over that so I'm like a ghost in the corner of his study and I'm going he's going E equals C squared you stupid guy think like that also probably be a lot of wank breaks and i'm just there like that oh god just einstein's just knocking my mouth why have i chosen this um right just to go back to this yeah uh looking back at everyone imagine going back and killing hitting all right yeah and you stop all that and people everyone and you come back and they go oh he went back but i'm in a bin and i why would you be in a bin though i'm just saying things could go catastrophically wrong you should be grateful for where you are if you're happy with your lot, you shouldn't want to change it.

57:36But you also like a technicality. So if you came back and went, I killed baby Hitler, everyone would go, who's that? Exactly. Like the monkey's paw, isn't it? Yeah. I killed it. I go, who? I go, you cunts. Everyone look at me now, you cunts. I go, I go, oh.

58:00To the audio listeners, You have no idea what that is. Oh, yeah. That was Ricky in a bin taking Novocaine from his fingers. You've probably been asked this before, but which is your favourite character to play out of all of the ones you've written in your time? Oh, that's so hard. That's so hard. It's out of Brent and Derek. Yeah. Because Tony from Afterlife was... It wasn't the fun part, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Brent was the fun part. Just an idiot. Oh, my God. I can do them both and just... I could ad-lib either of those for the rest of my life. Could you? I just could be either of those.

58:51You could live a year of your life as David Brent, easily. Yeah. Could you? I don't mean live his life. No, you wouldn't want to, but you could slip into that character. Absolute mum.

59:05You do the math. My friend Andy Goldstein from TalkSport, he sent me a voice note last night. He wanted me to ask you this. I think it's a great question. Obviously, you've been asked a million times about how you wrote The Office for Steve and all that, but you know how you shaped that kind of style of comedy that loads of people have taken on? I definitely had it in the early years when I was on YouTube. Ah? Like that kind of, all that stuff. Naturalism, sort of speaking over people. New. Awkward. Like that kind of. Yeah. Like how do you, you can't write that? Do you know what I mean? No. You can't write, ah?

59:39No, it wasn't written, no, of course. And it's like Partridge shaped his mannerisms with his fans and stuff like that. Yeah. How do you put that? You become, you sort of become that person. and once you know what he's like and what he's about, it gets easier as you go along, you know. It was all about body language. It was all the fact that it was a fake documentary and I didn't want exposition. I'd seen things where people go, yeah, see you Friday. You know, hmm, she never usually plays golf on a Friday. You've got to find a way of doing that, you know. And I found body language. Like if someone's caught lying, all you have to do is look a bit awkward.

1:00:25You know, they know you're caught out. And the camera was my friend as well. Yeah. That was another character that when to show he was caught out and he was in the wrong and he's been embarrassed, just make him, ah, come on. The fiddling and that, yeah. Yeah. so yeah just it just be being real being because most people don't want to be caught i don't want to i remember michael kane saying about people they act drunk um they act drunk whereas a drunk tries to act sober so you've got to act being drunk acting sober right and it's like i i think before the office i saw a lot of people just doing things on the nose saying just saying it like did Did you already have that sense of humour?

1:01:15Or was that, did you come up with that for? Well, I liked, I like awkwardness. I was, I don't really get embarrassed myself, but I feel for other people. The worst thing for me is someone else being embarrassed. Right, yeah. I hate it. Because I think you, I don't care. Like if I came, I went to the loo, I came back and there was a piss stain. Yeah. I'd go, fucking piss myself. Yeah. It's done. Yeah, you have to acknowledge that. Someone comes out and someone goes, oh, you pissed yourself. You know, I'm embarrassed for them. Yeah. You know, if I feel someone's embarrassed, that hurts me. Like if you're a group of people and you're having a laugh and then someone does a bad joke and they laugh, I want to go back in time and go, don't do that joke.

1:01:58Not laugh. It's Hitler over there. No, no, I'm dealing with something. Right. Don't do that joke. Right. Yeah. From athletic stuff like a full court pickup game, swish, to athletic stuff. Like a half-mile stroll. Get those steps in. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu. And the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do.

1:02:38Order on the Sweetgreen app. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans. Across your shows, Rick, you have such great casting, the comedians and the actors that you get involved with.

1:03:18A couple I'm a big, big fan of, both been on the show, David Earl and Joe Wilkinson, fantastic people. How, I think when David came on here, he was very humble, mentioned how he was, I think he was a delivery driver when you met him and you chucked him on the shows. What are you looking for? Where do you see that spot? I don't know, you never know. That's what you're looking for, something that surprises you, someone that hasn't been done before someone who's got something that no one else has got yeah i always want people i i think i do it with me like um if i went for auditions just all my life i wouldn't have done half the things i've done and i wouldn't have done them as well the reason i put myself in these things that i think i'm the best person for that job because it came from my brain now most other roles i'm not the best person for the job in fact every time i've been employed for something they wanted me to be a bit of me even night the museum they wanted that bumbling idiot that could add live with ben right you know they didn't write that and it was the best person for the job if i'd done that i probably wouldn't have been but i usually am the best person for the job because they want a bit of what i do you know what i mean it's the same with me you know i i um take anything you know david brent uh uh derrick if someone else had come up with it i wouldn't be the best person for that job probably because they'd have it'd be it would be different and the first time we were doing the office you had strict things in your head like i remember uh gareth is based on a kid i went to school with when we were sort of 13 14 15 and i've talked about before in some of my stand-ups i won't say his name um uh but he was the he was in the territorial army and he spoke like that right and he'd go right when you're captured by cannibals right they show you when they're in the pot and they're cooking you they show you pornographic pictures so you get an erection and there's more meat he'd say things like that right so that's why Gareth is like a 14 year old boy because it was based on a 14 year old boy right right yeah and I was looking for a bloke sort of like him but that you know he was a bit of a rugger bugger you know like that and he was like quite hard and that yeah but then Mackenzie walked through and I thought this is even funnier this boy who looks like a baby bird talking about killing a man.

1:05:45So you never know. And again, the first thing you write, you write some up, you cast it. And then the second series is great because you know who you're writing for. So I've just cut out the middleman. Now I've got an idea. Like Afterlife, I cast before I finished writing it. So you write it for the actor. So I know I'm right. So you get their physicality, you know what they can do, you know, if they can cry well, you know, they're funny, you know, if they can ad lib, you know. So now I've got the perfect cast for the thing I'm creating around them. So it just elevates it. Is that how you always work?

1:06:21Or have you written something before and not? Ever since, I'd say sort of since extras were slightly different because we were getting people that had something to play off as a shortcut, you know, and it was, you know. But if you take out the superstars, it was a thing about a few hapless people trying to make it right you know it didn't have to be hollywood yeah you know it um so but ever since then what's i've been i've been going all right i know i i know the person for this can you do it great you know amazing so it's it's so much faster and quicker and more perfect yeah i think yeah i think david i was brilliant he's amazing so good i'll put him in every is in my next thing i've been yeah i've been working on this thing i i think it'll be two years since i first came up with the concept and we've been working on it ever since and it's still not ready and it still won't be out till uh middle of next year it's a uh an animated series for netflix called alley cats okay yeah and uh again it's the usual suspects is me um uh curry godliman david earl uh um uh diane morgan uh andrew brooks tony way i've again because the other thing with animation usually they come up with it they write it they design it they got things and then they fit in the voice cast all the animations i've ever done i haven't been in the room with anyone else you know i mean yeah so here we're all together and so it's a real so we're talking over each other so it is it like real conversations yeah then oh that's good it's like a cross between uh uh like a podcast and and adult disney right a bit like the old creature comforts because they were they were vox pops with random yes exactly yeah but imagine that with everyone and their comedians and they're brilliant amazing you know and then uh uh and i think i think it's the it's the densest and it's so fast now it's edited down I think it's going to be, it might be my favourite thing.

1:08:22That would be at number one on the list. Really, yeah. Or maybe, see how it goes down. But as an entity, I think it's the funniest 15 minutes of anything I've ever written. It's just so, it's so fast and joyous. And they're cats to add to it all. It's difficult to describe. And this is out next year? Yeah. Alley Cats. I look forward to it. After Alleycats, do you have any plans to go back into writing a new sitcom? I don't know. It's like I'm really loving stand-up at the moment. I think over the past, when I first started, I thought myself as sort of a writer, director, actor in stuff that I'd written and directed.

1:09:07And you do the odd thing. I did the odd film. I did the odd this. I did the odd funny project. I did podcast. And then you go, I'd try stand-up. and I did stand-up tours between series. And the last few years, maybe the last six, seven, eight years, it's switched around. I feel that stand-up is my job. You said this when we spoke to you last. Really? You said that stand-up has become your main thing again. I feel that I've always got to be doing stand-up. Like when I finish a project, I think, well, I'll think of something. If it takes three years, you know, So the Alley Cats will be, I think, three or four years after afterlife ended.

1:09:46But I've just finished the tour and I've put in new material nights in January. Right. So once I've finished that, I put that on Netflix, I'm starting again. I feel now that I'm a touring Netflix stand-up and I wonder what I do in the daytime. Yeah, what keeps you doing it? Is it just the pure passion for it then? It's so funny because, you know, it gets harder even standing. If I do three gigs in a row now at my age, I wake up and I think, was I run over last night? Right. Jesus Christ. Yeah. You have to, come on, I've got to do another gig tonight. It gets sort of harder. And I don't know if there's an adrenaline dump that I don't notice the time or it might just be, I mean, I'm 64.

1:10:38it's like when I was a kid the thought of being 64 was do you live that long? you know what I mean? I know it's different now but I still think that 64 is I mean I should be retiring anyway soon and I don't think about retiring but I just think everything takes a little bit more also it's that thing it's the£10 ,000 for the chickens I think I don't need to do it so it's something that's got to be amazing for me to and I turned down amazing things because it's got to compete with sitting on the couch with Jane and the cat watching a Scandi Noir you know and it doesn't matter it could be the most amazing thing they go I go what now I'm not interested I have to work up to it I have to even something like

1:11:31winning the Golden Globe I don't even go now I think that's a long way to go to win a Golden Globe do you know what I mean then it'll be like a bit jet lag I just want every every minute of my day to be fun and quiet and peaceful and stress free I just I just wanna I don't know sit and feel well that's all I want well thank the fact there's studios in North London so your your new show coming to netflix rick on december the 30th mortality you scared of dying uh uh yeah i don't like the idea of it i mean i don't care about being dead like a lot of people because i obviously i think i know that it feels nothingness i i will say it feels like you did the 13 and a half billion years before you were born.

1:12:35Doesn't worry. But knowing that's the worst. When I'm saying my worst fear, I go being told I've got six months to live. Yes. I'd rather not know. This is what I bang on about all the time because I'm just going to spend that six months fucking panicking. Yeah. Well, I had this argument with Sam Harris. Right. He wants to know. He said he'd... Because I think I said, would you rather not know when you're going to die? Yeah. Or know you're going to die, but it's actually a few years longer. You say, without that caveat, I'd always want to know when I was going to die. If I knew that, you say, I could prepare things.

1:13:15But you can't. What's the point? I just want to. My favourite way to die would be in my sleep, obviously. Yeah, yeah. I think if everyone died in their sleep I don't think we'd have any stress in the world Well we would We'd worry about going to sleep Yeah but you wouldn't want to Because you always woke up so far Yeah You go out You have a good time Then just not wake up But you know one of them It's like if someone said If you're going to die in a Cornetto Every time you have a Cornetto You'd probably stop having Cornettos Wouldn't you? Well no but you might die you're going to die after your last meal true you'll definitely die after your last breath but my worry would be that he died in his sleep but he was having a terrible nightmare spiders were crawling into his face Hitler got into the bin with him would you rather know how you're going to die or the date you're going to die you'd rather know how you're going to die this is horrible isn't it when it comes to it that's the thing that's the thing I know I'm going to die I don't care I think it's a good thing I think it's a good thing that we live and die because the alternative is worse you know what I mean yeah 200 years in that bin yeah

1:14:46it gets to a point where you go this isn't living and I want to get out before that so if someone said if someone said to me if there was a god and he said don't worry about it you won't even know you die I'll go fine I wouldn't give a fuck about anything anymore I wouldn't give a fuck but yeah if you knew you were a mortal how would you want to die if you could? probably hang wank what?

1:15:21It's weird how well you know him. It's bang on. Probably, I don't know, just in a... Probably, no, I was going to say a mental... I was going to say drowning. What? Apparently it's not that bad. I thought it was peaceful. You go into a state of like... I thought that was known to be one of the horrific ones. I wouldn't want to be burnt alive. It's not the actual drowning. It's the bit before, innit, when you're going, I'm drowning! I'm drowning! It's that bit. is that bit. If it's like, if you could, well, I don't know about this, but apparently, if, once you do it and then you can't, who knows that?

1:16:00That's bullshit. It's probably fucking horrible. Yeah. Because no one's come back to tell us. There's only one, there's only, the fastest death or, like, how they put down a cat, that's got to be the best, isn't it? Smack. What, just loads. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Probably shouldn't put this out.

1:16:23Christmas special. Christmas special. Well, I don't think you're meant to discuss the best ways to kill yourself. No, no, no. I don't think the Samaritans like that. No. I think they're okay with it. No, I think we're all right. I water-tortured myself, water-boarded myself once. Did you? Yeah, to see what that felt like. How did you do that? I laid in the bath, put a towel over me, got water, brought it on, because you see it in the movies, thought it was going to be... it's fucking horrible. Why can't you breathe? Because the water's going into your... I don't know, because I don't even think the water really goes into your mouth.

1:16:56Because you can't get air in. You can't get air in, and you feel like you can breathe through it, and then all of a sudden it sort of feels like it's sucked out. Why do they do that as opposed to a plastic bag on your head? Because there's... Because it doesn't kill you, basically. Yeah, I think it's just horrific torture. And you've gone home and gone, I'm going to try that. Is that the stress of it then? It's not the pain, is it? It's the fear. It's the real panic of not being able to get it in your lungs. Yeah, I think. I think but anyway Rick no let's yeah there's I think I'm going to die choking on food yeah or not on nothing a couple of near misses I've had have you so has he what food because I almost died a couple of years ago I remember nut dust nut dust yeah not testicles nut dust he's got dusty nuts like you have a ample of peanuts

1:17:53once right i had a smoothie i was going off to do a filming right and it was like a sunday and i and i was smooth before i go because i right that's really done and i must have like and it went down the wrong hole and i thought this is it and i was going james hitting me just going relax i was laid on the floor and i thought this is it this is this is when i die and then and I was I was

1:18:23oh it was fucking horrible and that's happened not that that was once right on a smoothie on a smoothie yeah it must have been a little thing that your throat closes and you can't fucking hell I know and I think sometimes I eat too fast and I talk and I think it's going to be that or I drink a drink of water and breathe that way it's it's you've just got to relax I've had it once when I was jogging I must have breathed in or breathed in a fucking fly or something and I go and I think what am I going to do am I going to flag down a car what am I going to do yeah and I just like sit I have to control I have to just control it I mean it's only five times and it's like it probably has to everyone but I just think oh that would be horrible yeah I almost died on Norwich Market a few years ago eating a crackling a what crackling oh god what like a like a yeah yeah just stuck in the throat stuck in my throat yeah this isn't even that this is just it must be it must be I mean it's 50 % panic yeah I think yeah it is what do you think one of the things the near misses you had like walking along a wall when you were pissed up when you were 18 you think well I could have fallen and that would have been that would have been a different life wouldn't it yeah fall on your head it's like there's so many near miss I can't believe we live this long no I can't believe everyone just doesn't die when they're about 8 you know what I mean yeah It's a mad fucking world.

1:19:42It is. It's incredible. Yeah. Apparently, if you live to about 60, you'll probably make old age. Oh, really? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Oh, right. Is that just because you stopped doing stupid things at that age? You might stop doing stupid things. Some of the things that queue before that don't happen so much. Like, I'm relieved now that I'm out of testicular cancer. Yeah. Straight into arse cancer. Yeah, straight into. Overlap like that. Like, oh, testicles, testicles, testicles. Arse out. so so yeah well before we let you go Rick we just want to chat about this big charity donation that you're given because it's fucking amazing 2.5 million I think is the figure now I think 2.43 it came to it's not to an idea boom

1:20:35I did think of making it up just because I like how rounded it was And I just thought, well, no, because that's the real figure. It's like people just go, why don't you just make it up? I don't know, because it's not me just going to the bank and getting out a number. That's what the tickets I designated to give to charity came to. Oh, it's a percentage of the tickets. And I want, yeah, well, it's actually all the extra. But let me explain this, right? So you play a theatre, right? There are touts, right? There are touts. Now they buy up. they've done this through maths and algorithm they buy up a certain amount however big that is, however big you are there's an amount they buy so they might tout between them, might buy 100 tickets at 30 quid, now they can sell those tickets sort of like for however big a star you are and it's to do with rarity and all this right and there is a formula for that there's a formula for me, there's a formula for that So supposing that a tout can buy a ticket for 30 quid, sell it four times the value, 120 quid.

1:21:41What we do is we go, well, we'll sell those tickets for 100 quid. We'll undercut the touts on the market value. So touts will buy a few others, but not enough. It's not worth their risk to buy 120 to try and sell it. So it was to stop touts getting the best tickets and so people still have to pay more for those tickets, but at least they know it went to charity. Oh, okay. Well, it does with me anyway. I think everyone else keeps it.

1:22:18How do you, putting you on the spot here, how do you choose what charities you want to give to? What animals? Well, I've gone through a lot of charities. In the beginning, I think I did RSPCA and Macmillan Cancer and then my thing has come sort of animal charities just because it gives it more credibility. If people know you really mean it, there's so many charities that you can give to and I do do things outside animal charities but I think you choose the most needy, not just the most needy but the things where they can actually make a difference because some of it is an endless pit. You could give it to this but it's never going to end and that's sad and you still do it to try to save them.

1:23:04But, for example, like Animals Asia, they are close to putting an end to bio-farming and they're actually close to eradicating it. Oh, right. So that wins. Right. Let's do that. Yeah. That makes sense. So with the help of, do you know Peter Egan, who was in Afterlife and he was in... I'll know the face. Yeah, yeah. he does so much he knows everything so with his help we compiled a list of like 22 charities we tried to make it global because the you know the tour around the world so and we tried to make it the you know sometimes you go well this charity is fantastic doing a great job but the admin cost means they get about 10 % to those animals oh so you really look deep into it yeah you want to go this is a great cause but everyone gives to this they're rich so you try and do and when it comes up the other thing is like we started off with about 8 and it just crept up because as soon as someone suggested one I wanted to go I can't say no now because now it's like I've taken that money away from that hippopotamus so I go okay put it on the list and don't tell me anymore so it's 22 charities are going to split 2.4 million pounds mental good luck to him fair play i've warned them if ever if ever my career goes tits up i want you want that back well he's walking now we can he doesn't need any more money we got about two minutes left so i quickly i wanted to um more quick fire and i i wanted to run you through five of my favorite animals from the year right every now and then on the podcast we talk about news stories sometimes they're animal related i want to know if you've heard of these Rick so I'll just give you the top line for each one because we are sort of out of time but have you heard of Moodeng the pygmy hippo I haven't of him specifically I know what a pygmy hippo is they're this little Moodeng they're beautiful aren't they yeah amazing and she's called Moodeng which means pork bull in Asia and she's become a big tourist attraction people go and see her and she's just lovely but she's apparently she's a little bit a little bit bitey that one really so that's up there well that's alright they're small the big ones are a little bit bitey and you lose your head.

1:25:28Or your thumbs. This is Pesto the penguin. You heard of him? Is he the little fat one on the left? Yeah, came out and then within, I think it was in two months, was bigger than his mum and dad. Really? Yeah, so it's Pesto. So a little giant penguin? Yeah, fucking hench. Look at him. I love penguins. Yeah, the best. I love penguins. And then we've got here in Norwich, weirdly, a distinctive looking albino Pac-Man frog for sale. A Pac-Man frog? So this is amazing. Pizza roll. I fucking love frogs. I love... 45 quid. There's a theme to this. Yeah, they're fat. All these animals are fat, Rick. What do you think?

1:26:08They look at my bath pics. Last two. This is Frankie the Flamingo. Yeah. You must have heard of Frankie now. I don't think I have. This one's recent, isn't it? Yeah, this is recent. From a sanctuary in Cornwall. Had her wings clipped. Oh. But escaped the zoo and apparently couldn't fly. but was found 500 miles away in Brittany, in France. Megabus.

1:26:35Living her best life. And then this is Darwin the monkey. You've seen this one. Well, I helped him. I helped them build the sanctuary. Did you? Yeah. The Ikea monkey. Yeah. Oh, no. Is that the one? Oh, he was found in Ikea walking about in a coat. Is this the one that was in Canada? Yeah, Canada. Oh, yeah. I helped it when I was there. I did some I think I donated a guitar and yeah yeah and I helped build his little house that he lives in now wow yeah I love the IKEA monkey I couldn't even know that I love the fact he looks like a little football manager doesn't he in his deep skin a little run out here yeah oh there we go this is all we've got time for Rick it's been a pleasure to see you again mate my pleasure congrats on everything you're bloody doing all the time Mortality out on Netflix December the 30th as well as pretty much everything you're always doing all the time.

1:27:28It's all there isn't it? You can find all the stuff I've done on Netflix and YouTube. What are you now? Do you call yourself a YouTuber or an influencer? Podcaster. Podcaster. It's all changed innit? You don't YouTube anymore do you? I don't do the YouTube anymore. I don't think anyone even knows I had a podcast once because it feels like it's a different time. You fucking invented them. Well I don't know about that. I heard about them in about, I'll tell you what I heard about them. I was on XFM and U2 did this new thing called a podcast. Right. And I thought, this is perfect for me because I had to keep leaving the radio show to go and film The Office or XFAs, whatever.

1:28:09And I said, it's global, which I really liked it. And I said, there's no restrictions. Let's fucking do a podcast. Yeah. And then it did that, right? And we broke the record. but I think it's rather like Alexander Graham Bell breaking the record for the biggest phone bill. It's not as impressive in 2005, whatever it was, right? But they still get mad. And then it just sort of, it went away and it, I don't know when it came back, but I suppose, has Joe Rogan put it back? Yeah, he's the top one, isn't he? Massive. The top one in the world. Is it possible for you to see your stats for how many people are still listening?

1:28:46Because I see comments about it all the time still. I still think the old Ricky Gervais XFM shows, Stephen Carl, I think they're still charting now. I think, cumulatively, it might be up there because it is still there and it's so many formats now. And do you know where we did it? I remember, I think we did it for The Guardian at first and we built a little, me and my mate built a little studio in my office. We had Mike sort of tied together on sticks and we did that. And then we said, let's do it for ourselves. And then Carl wanted to leave, so he said, let's charge a pound. And then we started doing guides.

1:29:29Then Wild Brown called me and said, we could make this into a programme for HBL. I went, you know what? It just seems to be the gift that keeps on giving. Do you ever listen back to the old shows? I don't listen back to it. I see clips pop up there, particularly animation. Some people have things that tweet me, and I go, what are you talking about? And I vaguely remember, oh, that was something I said in 2003, was it? Sorry I didn't remember that. I remember the first time I went on Twitter, I don't know, 2009 was it? Yeah. One of the first tweets, someone said to me, who does your tampons? I'm going to go, fuck off.

1:30:05Oh, it's bad.

1:30:10One of my favourite tweets that came up, Paris Hilton tweeted, tell me something I don't know. You put world's easiest challenge. there we go this has been Jack makes happy hour podcast with me Jack Stevie White and the brilliant Ricky Gervais Ricky what's the meaning of life

1:30:29I mean it's it's a no brainer isn't it try and try and be as happy as you can without physically hurting anyone and if possible leave your corner of the world in slightly better condition than you found it and yeah and dying asleep if you can perfect happy Christmas guys see you in a bit I love that death is a theme for it's a strong theme as well yeah

1:31:16Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports.

1:31:58Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.