631 - Valentine's Special ft. Alfie (THE LOVE DOCTORS ARE BACK!)

27:06Palmolive's most powerful formula removes up to 99.9 % of grease, leaving your dishes sparkling clean. And the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier, so you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together. Shop now at palmolive.com. Staring at the bottom of an ass, hoping one day I'll see a poo pass. We can't release this episode. Because I love poo when it comes so far. We cannot release this episode. Because I love poo. Everyone always says we're really immature at high school. That's primary. I don't want to be a part of it. That is nursery. I love poo. It's nursery. I don't want to be in this episode.

27:45It's awful. It's fucking dreadful. It's the worst. I'm trying to steer us into the actual episode. And you two keep... I can feel it going down the drain. I'm just letting it go. I can see the comments. I know what the comments are going to say and I'm not stopping or changing anything. Why don't you guys just let me get us into the episode? No, no. Please. Mate, look, I'm fed up of these influencers pretending life's peachy all the time. Sometimes there's shit, right? Let's just embrace the shit a little bit. Okay. I won't get us into the episode then. What do you want to talk about? No, let's just think of that jingle.

28:20Think about what it could mean. What message am I trying to say? You're saying you want to look at an arse poo? You love poo. Yeah, let's do that. Okay, so The Love Doctors. How these episodes work, Alfie. Very simple. We've written a form out to our listeners. and said, look, if you need help in love, you need some advice. They get it, Stevie. Alfie hasn't... Is it agony answer? We're all about love.

28:43Yeah, he's got it. I don't want to be a part of this. Okay, Alfie, start us off then. I'm streamlining this shit. I just saved us 10 seconds. That's retention, mate. But you didn't because Jack interrupted me and then that all happened. If you just let me finish the sentence, we would have got there as well. Okay. You start then, Alf. So bad. What do you mean you start? I've sent the doctor both of you. Yes, I did. How I didn't work that out, I will never know. So bad. The Love Doctors. That's the title. The Love Doctors, we're here to give you lot advice. Some of you lot have written in, we're giving you advice.

29:18On Valentine's Day, or as I like to call the holiday, Galentine's. Why do you like to call it that? It's for the gals. Boys don't give a shit. Hey, yes we do. are you doing anything nice for valentine's yeah what have you got planned have you not just spent about four grand on christmas fucking card yeah get a card in that romantic no i will be did you just fuck i was sure it was his chair it was my chair if there's ever a time to hold it in it's on a pod do you know what i mean like why can you not hold it in it was my chair No You farted before You farted before on the pod Yeah I know And it's actually You can definitely hold it in So which leads me to believe You are doing it for attention Literally my chair Different noise Do it again then Do the noise again I went I was I can't There's a little one there You see You see You're not farting again I did sound like a fart But it weren't I'll say if it was I'll say if it was Love doctors Yes, I'm going to go out for a lovely meal.

30:26Read out what the first person's woes are, Alfie. I went over to this girl's house and when I was walking home, I got chased by a car for a few kilometres. I forgot he can't fucking read. Never ran that fast in my life. In the back of my mind, I think she had something to do with it. Does this mean a further relationship is a lost cause? What? What? Why have you put that one in? Read it. Do you not get what he said? I went over to this girl's house, and when I was walking home, I got chased by a car for a few kilometres, never ran that fast in my life. In the back of my mind, I think she had something to do with it, as in she's chasing him with the car.

31:05He thinks he's gone to this girl's house, and he's left there, and he's suddenly getting chased by a car as soon as he leaves. So he's thinking she is involved with this car chasing him. For a few kilometres? Yeah, you're not running from a car for a few kilometres, are you? I think a car was just going past. He's gone round a girl's house. Yeah, he's booked an Uber, trying to pick him up. He's gone round a girl's house, and as he leaves, a car starts chasing him for a while, and he thinks she's got something to do with it. Whether that means maybe the dad found out and was like, I'm going to get rid of this boy.

31:34What, while he's already leaving? Scaring him off. Well, he's already going, isn't he? Yeah, but scaring him off not to come back. But he wants to know whether he thinks he's still got a chance with this girl or not. I don't know if it's even related. Ask her, was that anything to do with you or got chased by a car? Yeah. If she says no, crack on. But what if she says no, but it was the dad? I've got some advice out there. For anyone who ever thinks they might be getting followed or chased by a car, do four left turns. Then you'll know. Then you'll know. And then what? Because why would they do four?

32:04The best bit of advice is how to get away. Yeah, so cars, but you're driving, cars behind you. If you go left and that car might go left, then you go left again. Then left again. Why would it go left again? Yeah, so I'm saying, okay, I've done four lefts. It's following. What do I do now? Oh, you're fucked. Right. At least you know. Yeah, you know. Yeah, that's good. You got that locked in. Have either of you ever been scared away from someone? That always happens in the movies, doesn't it? Scared away from someone? Yeah, like, you know, like a dad who's like, you stay away. It always happens in TV shows and movies.

32:33I don't know if it happens in real life. I got chased by a woman on Prince of Wales Road once because she said that I was trying to get with her mate. Were you? I weren't. No, I was literally frigid for years. Like, I was literally did not have any interest in that. Didn't want it. In Mark. I was talking to a woman. Shock. And I was just having a laugh. and then she said, she's not interested. I said, I'm not interested in her, mate. Oh, God. What are you talking about? I think you might have been there. I don't know. And then I ran around the back near the Premier Inn and she was chasing me, stiletto in hand.

33:02What? What a weapon? Yeah. That's illegal. Yeah, and I tripped over and landed. There's like a five foot drop. Sorry, not five foot. That's three foot. Yeah. And I landed on my chest and it winded me. Oh. Did she get you? No. So then I did get with her, mate. How was it? Brilliant. No, I didn't. I didn't. I was honestly... I hate the thought of you kissing someone. He knows about that. Kissing? Yeah. What do you mean? Stevie knows how good a kiss I am. Really? Don't you? Oh, God, you did have a kiss. We've had loads. There's not been a single day goodbye. When was the last time you two snogged?

33:41Years ago. How many? Why did you do that again? Bristol? Gay? Bristol? Well, it is. an act of gayness. I guess so, yeah. We were in the nightclub in Bristol, weren't we? Just me and him. Snogging? No one else was there. What else were we meant to do? Have a chat?

34:04Yeah, we had a little kiss. What is it? I'm sorry if this is boring for everyone, but I need to know more about your kiss. What? Did you tongue each other? I don't know. I might have put a little bit in. Did I? And then the tongue. did you did any of you remember during the kiss think jesus this could actually go further no why did you no did you honestly no no what if stevie had just i wouldn't want to i'd kiss anyone but i wouldn't i can't touch willies but i would snog anyone anyone anyone where's your line Well, 18. Your sister. She fits the criteria. Obviously not. And now he's all mature.

34:49Mr. I love poo. Let's just go to the next one. Anyway, yeah, just ask her, surely. What did you chase me? A lot of these can be solved by just ask them. Okay. Jack, you reading the next one? Morning, gents. Last year I split up with a girlfriend of five years after many years and months of being unhappy and unfulfilled. A couple of months later, she started seeing someone she told me not to worry about and was just a friend from a friend's uni who she met on a night out. Red flag. That's what they put. I'm not saying that. Anyway, they ended up seeing each other over a month or so after we broke up.

35:23This pissed me off massively as it was a betrayal of goodwill and morals and we didn't break up badly at all but aimed to be civil. I've recently gained the opportunity to sleep with an old friend of hers whom she hates greatly. Gains the opportunity. thank you lord sugar Christ yeah love doctors do I pursue this and be a petty dick or be the bigger man and say no I saw Alfie tearing up tearing up in M &S food hall the other day love the pod I can love that place you go M &S now Marcham Heath yeah yeah yeah what Marcham Heath M &S go to M &S mate or Barry how much are they paying you at away days well enough to go to M &S mate buy some sliced chicken on reduced fair play fair play anyway back to Petty Dick so Petty Dick is saying annoyed at ex-girlfriend yeah because she's gone for guy she's gone for the guy that she said not to worry about but there's nothing wrong with that though no there's nothing wrong with that he needs to grow up about that well my ex Alfie right broke up was called Alfie my ex Alfie I like that was thanks He said I'd kiss anyone Broke up with me Yeah The morning after a night out That's not good is it And I went to her house and went Let's go in and talk about this She went no no no you're not coming in I went why not your mum loves me I can go in your house And she went put some pants on first She was like She went you can't come in And was adamant I couldn't go in I was like oh Sutton's not something's a bit fishy here yes so then i left it and then a month later she was with this boy and then i saw photos from the night out and he was there yes it's quite obvious when you look back at things like that isn't it yeah yeah yeah yeah so that's sad but like say you was with someone you didn't really want to be with them anymore and you went on a night out and you met someone you like you would surely go let's put a pin in that i'm gonna break up with this person that's what this person has done isn't it yeah no so he's he's yeah you're right though let's not overlap yeah no i don't think there's been anything too untoward happening whilst they were together but he's annoyed that during the relationship she was like he's nothing there's nothing happening the relationship's ended and within a month she's with that guy now so clearly in his mind he's going well there was something going on because how was that happened so quickly let's think now right because I would be annoyed at that what is wrong with that cheating no it's not though no just that she liked him the whole time but it's just that in your head you're going clearly you like this guy whilst you're with me I think maybe the one bit that's wrong is that she was telling him not to worry about him but maybe she didn't need to worry because she didn't cheat with him she liked him though she should have been honest she should have gone look I'm with you at the minute but worry a bit good advice so how are we how are we feeling about petty dick being given the opportunity to sleep with an old friend of hers you don't do that out of that no I'm trying to say by that don't do sex out of spite how does I'm intrigued to know how he knows he's got the opportunity like has this person gone up to him She said, I've got an opportunity for you.

38:57It's me. She goes, there's a job opening come up, quite literally. That's getting a bit much. That's quite a good little play on words, that. What's open? That's what he's implying. Is it? What were you thinking? Bumhole. What? Missed direction. This new obsession with poo. Misdirection. Yeah, into the poo stuff again. Straight in there. That wasn't a bad little fun, wasn't it? No, it wasn't great. petty dick, so do you think he should take this opportunity? You're saying no. If he likes her as well, yes. If he's single, I'm ready to mingle. Yeah, but if he likes her, don't be thinking the whole time, I'm doing this to be nasty.

39:36Yeah. You shouldn't be doing it just to get back at the other girl, but also is, I wonder how the opportunities are, like, is this person coming up and going, I've got an opportunity. Yeah. We both aren't happy with this person. Like, are they both doing it because of that? If the girl knows, I guess there's nothing wrong with it. But if she thinks, oh I like him and then he's going well I'm only doing this to get back at so and so yeah my first girlfriend I ever had this is true as well you'll know this is true my first girlfriend I ever had I got with her because I was with this other girl and we she cheated on me so then this other girl went do you want to get together and the person that my original girlfriend cheated on me with was the new girl's boyfriend swapsies so we swapped we swapped we swapped Wife swap Yeah we swapped Was that Did you feel like You were getting back I liked the girl The new girl Really So I was like Oh this is cool Because I'm going Straight from her heartbreak To a new relationship With someone I like Yeah But then she broke up with me Oh no A few months after Because obviously She was doing it Because she was still Beating up about the first Yeah So you were the rebound I was the rebound She was my She was my fully in But How did you take it The break up Oh terribly Terribly Go on what happened Cried Called her up No.

40:54What'd you say? Please. Do it to me. Hello? I was in a field with him. It's not going to end. I was in a field with Stevie. Yeah. And I... Do you remember when we was with Matty and that and we were just in a random field? And the day after I got my tattoo... You were 18? Yeah. In a field? Yeah. What were you doing? I don't know, but I remember I was smashed Glenn's vodka and that, thinking my heart had broken. I'll never know. And I called her up and she went, please just let me have till the morning. What are you saying? I said, please don't do this. In front of your mates? No, I've walked off down the fence.

41:30Yeah, I've got to take this, boys. Sorry. No, I've got to call. Were you like, I'm going to call her. I'm going to fucking call her. And everyone's like, do it. No, they kept asking me why I was crying. Yeah.

41:42Why is that funny? Oh, that's just too sad. It is quite sad. And then I walked down to the bottom of the field, called her, like, give this a go. So I got... Give this a go. I'm surprised you didn't take your back. I started playing Got Ye down the phone. What's that? You're just somebody that I used to know. What's that out then? Somebody. What did she say? She said, what are you doing? That sounds terrible. I really feel like you've sung to somebody to try and get them back. Have you? What song? I've told this story on the podcast numerous times. I think this is a fitting place to retell it.

42:19But so, you know, I said to you, my first girlfriend was because I was with another girl. Yeah. And then bro, the original girl I was with, right, who was like not a high school girlfriend. So not a sexual relationship, just a hold hands, kiss, that kind of vibe, right? Without going into too much detail. She stayed around my mum's house once, right? And I thought, you know where I was going, didn't you? And I thought this was the night. Yeah. so i got itunes up on my computer and i played the james blunt back to bed great album and brilliant it's a brilliant album and i promise you on my life this happened i slept all night in my beanie hat self-conscious of your hair yeah oh yeah and she said why is why are you yeah it's bizarre why are you in a hat it's like four in the morning naked but beanie on no i just had pants on i don't wanted to see my team willy where were we sounds like you were wanting to see it was like that kind of like teenage i was like i was in my super bad era where i thought you want to have sex with girls but you haven't got the ability and you're terrified of girls literally it's also the last thing you possibly want yeah you think i need to lose my virginity and you're watching porn and all that stuff hey sleep yourself please you're a horny teenager but there's nothing that scares you more on this planet than a lady that's research yeah yeah yeah oh imagine that now horrible time of life I know fucking hell imagine that now before parties just like what the fuck I don't know I don't want to go I want my mum yeah yeah yeah then you walk up you're like alright how's it going and you're drinking and you hate it Skittles vodka it's all fucking brown

44:11fucking Ben's made his homebrew again it gives me chest pains Christ I hated that I feel like you're getting PTSD I hated it imagine that now though like desperately wanting to fuck the thing you're most scared of do you know what I mean for me it'd be like I don't know just like illness Tottenham fan

44:36i guess you have fuck what you're most what

44:44um actually seemed a bit nasty because you didn't get it it's not great i like that you keep calling it dean willy yeah but although if we were to do that for us his would be indra willy but i'd say i don't want you to see my white willy so mine just sounds like i'm just saying it oh a white willy sounds like a chopper though yeah i mean famously not didn't deny it did he no i was gonna say famously black willies are known to be the big ones aren't they someone's found their mastermind category

45:26Oh, that's the thing Very knowledgeable I can't tell if it's really, really offensive Or flattering It's fucking offensive So you're a massive knob, is it? It's a stereotype A fucking positive one? Nah, it's a stereotype, mate You might not want that No Because it's pressure It's pressure, isn't it? Wouldn't you? What's yours like? Okay it's not good I don't know what it is but it's not good the listeners don't want to know what are we telling them I think right and it's hard to judge in the moment sometimes and you shouldn't be this self-reflecting but I think this episode's just tipped off the edge of shit where it's good again right we're back baby it's a fine line but right so at the moment we're playing that game the metal where you've got the hoop on the metal trying to go through trying to go around the wire and at the start we were going we're now on a little bit of a we're two minutes in not buzzed yet five minutes time though it could all change again I like that we're getting giddy so giddy works okay so we're saying this guy don't do it out of spite unless you actually like her no I'm just saying do it okay Jack says do it we've got nothing to lose and if she's giving you consent and she's up for it fireworks will fly sparks will fly okay next one I'm a 28 year old five foot six man who's struggling with confidence since the inception of every man has to be a six foot crew and i don't think enough people are talking about the consequence of this on men's mental health when i was younger i used to have girlfriends consistently who were known as good looking so i don't think i'm ugly but the last five to six years really struggling to connect with anyone or find my one any tips or thoughts on this love the pod long live leave it there leave it there he's not even here who could we ask about this go on do you have any advice on this one Alfie hmm it is tough is it tough down there yeah yeah it's dark down there smelly do you think it changed at all when I don't know what I'm saying anymore I'm fucking talking out my ass focus Alfie Jesus it smacked me okay yes I one of my biggest fears and this is up to who I'm with now yeah is first meeting someone yeah and then maybe it's a fear for everyone but like when you first meet someone they're like oh Jesus Christ right no but then you've got to spend the evening with them what you still have that now so that even if you go home to your partner I had it no not now she knows I'm tiny now doesn't she but when I even when I'm like four years ago and I met her I know I would have been that would have been in my mind on the drive up right because yeah I don't have I don't care now that I'm small okay but I also have a wife so it's quite easy not to care.

48:43Yeah. When you're dating, I don't even think it's... It's not a girl's fault. I don't want to go out with a small man. That's all right. But it is... I would get quite a lot of shit on dating apps. Would you? What would your bio be, roughly? Would you have your height in it? Yes. Would you? Not a lot of matches. Right. But then you do, there is a nice, I mean, I have a wife now, so you can, you know, he's a lot better looking than me. So it can happen. But it's one of them things where some girls or whatever aren't going to care. Some are. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that if they care, is it?

49:33Well, everyone has their preferences, don't they? I don't think unless if you don't care, right? I always thought this, like if you care about that, just care about it and don't and have your preference, but don't be a dick about it. I guess that's like any preference, isn't it? If I didn't like, I don't know, ginger hair. Yeah. I would just keep that to myself and not go out with someone with ginger hair. I wouldn't go to you. Oh, I'd never go out with someone with ginger hair. Yeah, right. Because you can't help having ginger hair. Well, you can. You can dye it. but advice there is no advice because what can you do though can I just point out it says here since the inception of every man has to be six foot crew I don't know what he means by that because I think always throughout time to be bigger has been seen to be better back in the day to be fatter was better I missed the chance if you were born in the 1400s you'd have been a king I get shit all the time now online but it genuinely doesn't bother me because I don't know I used to care a lot when I was younger about being small but when you get older it's just I just don't care I actually don't care even like when I was younger and I was playing football I used to have massive small man massive small man syndrome about it but now I'm just like yeah Yeah, that is who you are.

51:04It's really hard though, because this person, even if they're the best looking person ever, is going to find it hard. Because of the size. Yeah, but you just have to just keep going. You will find someone nice if you're a nice person. It's what you've said as well, is that there will be someone. I think in the last few years as well, the whole we love a short King thing was a thing for a while, wasn't it? But then people like Zendaya dating Tom Holland became like a big thing, didn't it? Because she's quite a bit taller than him. so I'd say it's been five, six years of struggling there will be someone there just will yeah but that's to be honest guys if I emailed into a show and their response was there'll be someone shit yeah I'm not going brilliant there's someone out there what can this guy do now well there's fuck all he can do I would say there are some things you can do for your self confidence go on a niche website where like that is no where women are looking for short men don't do that Alfie can give the best advice on this one, so go Alf.

52:00I would genuinely say, and this might be a little bit like, this is just what helped me. What helped me was things like going to the gym and trying to make myself more confident in other ways which I can control. Okay, yeah. So I can control being happy with my body, even though it's a short body, and I can control like, I don't know, my haircut or my clothes, like stuff like that. That would just make you feel more confident and people see that. Yeah. And also the last thing you want to do is be a short guy. That's fair. Well, that's the second one. You don't want to be a short guy and people can sense that you're annoyed about it or that you're not secure about it.

52:54Yeah. It's attractive to just be like, chill with it yeah you're bang on i think i think you know when you create a sim yeah i said this before you create a sim and you have like 50 points right and you can put it on uh charisma yeah you can put it on humor you can put it on all these things but when you put pips more pips on charisma you might lose some on anger or something like that and you can't balance it perfectly right you're right right so you're low on chips when it comes to hype you can't change that so boost all the other estimates yeah boost the humor can't learn to be funny either it's a skill any few of us have but um but try and yeah you're small but you're big in arms

53:38you just tried to compliment him no no you're thank you boost your overall rating that's what he's saying god i'd say rather be small in arms and tall Well look, you haven't got a Dean, will you? There are, yeah, well yeah I do I'm just not a fucking Dean There are perks to being small This episode is brought to you by Palmolive Family time isn't just the big moments It's weeknight dinners Sitting around the table, everyone talking all at once So when the plates are empty and the sink is full Use Palmolive Ultra Palmolive's most powerful formula removes up to 99.9 % of grease, leaving your dishes sparkling clean.

54:22And the new convenient pump makes cleaning even easier, so you can spend less time tackling dishes and more time together. Shop now at palmolive.com. Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands for the super athletic stuff, like running gear for cruising up the trail. Woo! And the super athletic-ish stuff, like fishing gear for chilling by the creek. Nice cast. Fitness apparel to push for higher reps. You got this. And golf balls priced so you can afford to lose one. Or a few. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it.

55:01Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes People won't start a fight with you in a club People will start a fight with you in a club I never have to worry No one's ever going to tease me for losing a fight No I'm the underdog mate Yeah Let's list all the things that he's got over tall people then You can get into theme parks cheaper But you can't get on all the rides But you can't get on the rides Yeah Get in there Yeah You can get on the log flume You can probably pretty good at limbo not very flexible just stocky do you know what I mean yeah shit at limbo I'm good at the first few rounds just walk under if you drop a coin at home and it rolls under the sofa easier for you to get yeah didn't even have to crouch down walk under I feel like this isn't going to be helping this yeah this isn't helping him happy Valentine's Day mate there's someone out there for you hey I've proven it mate short women that's the answer there are Go for a small chick.

56:14You were saying chick is gross. That was so, like, fucking red pill. Go for a small chick, man. Go for small bitches. That was so fucking, I don't even know what that was. Did you like that? No, I didn't. But to be fair, I think the whole guys need to be six foot thing even counts for shorter women. A lot of shorter women would still think the same. Okay, yeah. Well, do you think it's a case of what we do? is the world is a little oh this is gonna sound horrific actually you have to keep saying it i'm gonna just say it and then we'll see how it sounds right that's a dangerous game i'm excited the world is a little bit too touchy at times right that's not me trying to be edgy i'm just saying it's a little bit too touchy at times is it worth us reverting back on our social on our dating platforms just writing exactly what you're looking for if you don't want fat women put it on there if you don't want ginger men put it on there you made the next one yourself so the first one was less offensive Stevie you only like white people so that would be on yours as in his relatives but is that actually bad let's dissect that is it actually just putting it out there don't want this, don't want this, don't want this if you like dogs, fuck off if you eat cuss because you're a prick you can't put everything about you then you'll filter it down But isn't that what the swiping is?

57:41You see someone small and you swipe no. But people can doctor their photos. That's just catfishing, isn't it? That's a whole other thing. I think you're right, though. This guy just needs to get his confidence up. He will get somebody. He's tiny, though. He's not. He's taller than me. You're taller than me. He is taller than me. Oh. He is taller than me by an inch. Wow. You're not 5 '5". I am. I am. Are you? You're just trying to make him feel better. No, I actually am. You're not. You're 5 '7". I am. I went to the doctors and they said I was 5 '5". I swear to you I'm 5 '5". I am 5 '5". 5 '5".

58:19What's so funny? Maybe they meant 5.5, so you're actually 5 '6". I'm 5 '5", and my wife is 5 '5". I thought she was taller than you. In heels she is. Yes. They tend to add height. You're adding you're adding to the problem because you're laughing I'm not laughing I'm only just being I'm just being inconsiderate for the sake of it thanks that's the problem just you'll be alright mate fucking hell you'll get a girlfriend Jesus you can get a girlfriend and be small boost your other stats is what Jack's saying yeah yeah okay next one Alfie I secretly love my part is that not the right one no go up to my girlfriend keeps cheating on me but I don't care why is this you're gay you're a cuck you're a gay cuck okay on to the next one

59:21we're just damaging people we are just don't ever write into these what are you doing writing into this I did end the form by saying honestly it's not going to help you're a gay cuck man. Hi boys, I low-key feel... We can't actually skip it, can we? No, you should just dump her. Move on. Nah, he likes it. If you don't go, you are a cuck then. You're a straight cuck then. Yeah. I reckon just... James Cuckley. I don't know, right? Why the fuck would Howard leave? No, he does skip my cuck. Stop cucking about. Right. Hi boys, I low-key feel conflicted right now about my feelings. There is this girl in my friendship group and we are really close friends.

1:00:02we spend a lot of time together one-on-one outside of the group and it feels like we just have a lot of chemistry we've talked before and she said she used to have a him oh i'm sorry

1:00:15we talked before and she said she used to have a crush on me but a couple of years ago her best friend died and after losing him she's really protective of close friendships and doesn't want to risk losing people i respect that but i can't tell if there's a way to explore this without ruining what we've already have curious what you guys think cheers for the advice i love the pod can't do it can't do it you can't do it can't do it she don't want it mate sometimes i think no i don't know she might you can't do it looking back over like your life when you're a bit i'm assuming this person's a bit younger than us partly because they have a friendship group but um when you look back i can go oh that person never fancied me right and you thought that person might have yeah yeah there's a sense for these things if they're giving a reason why you can't explore those things it's because they don't want to that's a nice way of saying whether it's that reason or another reason yeah so go with your gut yeah i would say don't push it keep the friendship it might one day blossom am I right in thinking that like women when they're interested in men will pursue that a bit more right so women can often have more partners than men can yeah is that right as in serious partners so like men will like this sounds right but men will just go with a woman won't they because they're just like sexual beings and they're just like a lot of men do you know what I'm saying a lot of men will just go oh she'll do do you know what i'm saying no no no i only go with people i truly am deeply in love with fee but graveyard

1:01:57that's a good point i was young um and in love what i'm trying to say is right so women can often have multiple options they can go he probably likes me gary from accounts likes me john in spa likes me they all like me right so if a woman does choose john in spa she's gonna make that known women aren't the type to go oh i'm not gonna mention it boys are more worried of rejection does that make sense so you'll know if a woman likes you you'll know but there's all these things on these other like serious pods where it's like this is not serious pod no i i agree with you this is But I'm saying in other pods, they're all like, women's standards are too high, and that's why we can't get girlfriends.

1:02:42Well, they're incels, aren't they? Yeah. They're incels. That's not what you're saying. You're saying their standards are rightly high, so they've got loads of options. They've got loads of options, so they can take the pick, usually. So if she liked you, you'd know about it. You would know about it. Yeah, I reckon. Yeah. I don't think there's many women out there, and I'm not a women expert. Yeah. No, come on. But I don't think there's many women out there that would like a man, know that the man likes them and not go for it. Yeah. When I think of me and Ali, I doubt there was a moment that went past where she thought, I wonder if he likes me.

1:03:20Yeah. Whereas that's what I thought the whole time. Yeah, right. She just knew. Yeah. Yeah. You were texting her all the time. Constantly. It was annoying probably. Yeah. Yeah, so just don't, you can't pursue it, especially if she's grieving. Next one. Okay. I secretly like my partner's hotter, younger sibling more than them. Do I quietly switch families? What? I'm not sure the last sentence makes sense. Hang on. It doesn't make sense. My partner's hotter, younger... Family members, they mean, don't they? Yeah, they're saying do I switch family members. Basically, they fancy their girlfriend's little sister.

1:03:59Or boyfriend's little brother. Could be boyfriend's little brother. Oh, for some reason I read Sibling and Sister, but yeah. I think... Can you? I mean, if everyone's all right with it, they're not going to be all right with it. The oldest sibling's not going to be all right with it. No, but how come this girl at my school went out with the brothers then? They must have been all right with it. Maybe she broke up and then a few months later went out with the other brother. But they're saying, I secretly like... I think you can either have your current partner, or no, to be honest, if you're secretly liking someone else you should not go out with them.

1:04:35Let me ask you this. Yeah. Ali got a sister? Yeah. If you divorced Ali amicably she was fine with it she welcomed it would you be alright would she mind if you got with her sister? Yes. Are you mental? Obviously you fucking weirdo. Well she'd like it. You wouldn't mind? No she would hate it. Well there you go you're counteracting your own point. No I'm not. You said if everyone's fine with it, fine. I didn't write this in. He's saying she's not fine with it. Oh, okay. But have you seen... Did you see Hulk? You know Hulk, the footballer? He's incredible. Good. I saw... I think this is true. I saw an article that he left his wife of however long and he's now married her niece.

1:05:22Oh, my God. Families are funny, aren't they? What about you and Fi's sister? Well, she's older than Fi. so I've got the good one sorry it's a joke

1:05:38sorry moment silence for Jack's relationship yeah no she's older she's older yeah so is Ali's sister I don't think the age thing is the issue here guys I think once you once you breed into family you can't go anywhere else in that gene pool but there's probably like Like, there's going to be loads of people going, well, my dad went out with my mum's sister before my mum. There'll be loads of stories where it works. I think it depends on the serious. Yes, the context. Make Sunday dinners awkward. Awful. Yeah. Also, if you secretly fancy anyone, that is a great point. If you secretly fancy anyone, why are you with...

1:06:25Do you know what I mean? You shouldn't be secretly fancying people. No. No, you shouldn't. That's a sign to me that it needs to end. Sometimes, are we looking at this a bit immaturely? Are we looking at this? Probably. Yeah, I love boo. So my cousin, right? I've told this again on the pod. My cousin has been with his wife now for eight years, right? And they are, say they're in like a four of like best friends. So they're two and another couple, right? His best mate, other than his wife, is his ex, right? Do you follow him? mm-hmm so but they're still friends yeah and it's still this day and so his wife my cousin's wife is equal best mates with this girl who he was with for three years so but that's that's it's not actually weird like it's not weird like when you're around them and they're just that's what i mean it's context this person no you can't leave you can't i think the issue here is if in 10 years you went out with the younger brother, it'd probably be all right.

1:07:28Yeah, there needs to be... But if you left the brother for the other brother, what are you expecting to do here? I do think if you're secretly liking someone else, your current relationship cannot be right. No. Surely. Well, not even just secretly liking someone, they're saying, do I switch? So they're questioning in their head, I could leave my current... This poor person you're with, by the way. Yeah, you're going to break her heart, or his heart, next one. Or their heart. On to the next. Any advice for someone who keeps going back to the same man, even though he's a horrible prick and he's basically bald and he's never given her the clap?

1:08:03Where did you add the word never? Oh, and he's given her the clap. Not me, a friend. Good, strong, tough love would be appreciated. Firstly, let's leave it on the basically bald bit. It's fine. Not wrong with being bald. Nothing wrong with it. Not wrong with being prick and going around giving claps to people. Yeah. Claps STI. Isn't it? Thank you. love doctors yeah yeah there we go uh i don't think you can change someone if they keep going back to the same toxic person i've seen this yeah i won't say who but i've seen this very close to me okay over years and years and years okay it's very hard to get out of yeah it's emotional especially when the person is emotionally over you sort of emotionally got you yeah um in a grip yes in a grip thank you i think you have to how can you do it i i think you don't what you don't want to do is just wait for something really bad to happen that's irreversible trauma or like nastiness or gonna really affect you i would say just have a bit of respect for yourself a lot of this comes down to that don't yeah have a bit of fucking respect for yourself it's hard if you're deep you're getting emotionally manipulated you're stuck you can't just one day go I'm going to leave you can't help someone leave someone toxic they have to find it on their own yeah I'd say so sorry we can't give much advice on that one they want tough love though say to them no they want tough love from you no but this is a friend so they're saying it for they said not me a friend yeah but it's obviously that say to your friend your partner's a cunt everyone fucking hates your partner and you are looking a cunt by default by association.

1:09:53So do you want us to all keep going behind your back going, they're a cunt? Don't be a cunt. It's good, that. Don't be a cunt. How tough's that? What about this? You're wasting your life. Yeah. How about that? Every day you're with them, you're wasting your precious life, you idiot. That's really good. Fuck you, mate. One day we're all going to be dead in a box, right? We're going to be like, we're going to be burnt. That's terrifying. We're going to be worm feed. we are going to be worm feed we literally are so sorry I just kept thinking about that for a lot so think about it this way there is actually a finite amount of days you have left that's fact the higher powers will know how many numbers that is could be one could be 10 ,000 more likely to be somewhere around let's not guess they get it 3 ,000.

1:10:50So stop wasting these life tokens. You get one a day. Clever. Save it. Save it. If you had to hand in a token at the end of the day, physically, put it in a pot, and then you add your pile, it was going down, I bet you'd live life differently. Yeah, you would. Isn't 3 ,000 only about eight years? Yeah, that made no sense. That's depressing. Yeah. Yeah, that's a really good analogy, that. Thank you. Yeah. That's so smart. Yeah. See, you don't have to be tall, guys. staring at the bottom of an ass i'm a 20 year old girl at university i'll see a poo pass is it yeah don't you don't need to know you don't need to know those lyrics i'm a 20 year old girl at university and i've never had any romantic relationships ever no dates no kisses no one ever asks me out and i'm starting to feel like it might not ever happen for me i don't want to go on the apps as all the stories from my friends sound awful but it's hard when lots of my friends are constantly talking about boys and relationships and i just cannot relate in any way will my time come or am i doomed forever

1:12:01bleep that but keep it in i'd bleep the whole thing not just the word but i'd bleep the whole thing that is fucking horrific oh come on yeah yeah and you maybe blur his mouth as well

1:12:22right 20's young 20's young 20's still young yeah you got plenty of time plenty of time are we nearly at an hour yet yeah what were we at come on fuck me we're just ruining people's lives every five minutes this is better with Becky wasn't it she was good at it What we on for? One hour and eight. Okay, cool. Get out there. Get out there more. If you're not going to go on the apps, go meet some people. Get out there, girl. Boy, girl. My husband, Jake, won't stop going out and doing drugs. It really puts a strain on our relationship. I'll be at home every day looking after the kids and he's doing everything around and I'm doing everything around the house, but he goes on three-day benders most weeks.

1:13:02And when I've brought this up to him, he tells me I can't stop his session just because I want him to do the housework. We can't give this advice. I'm out. It's not fair on me, but I love him. What do I do? Well, leave him. He sounds like a fucking idiot. He feels like a waster. Get him help. Get him some help. I'm not giving advice. This is drug addiction, and we're saying I love poo five minutes ago. Why? I don't think we should be encouraging people to put their real-life problems to us. Who else they got? there are so many resources other than this podcast yeah i don't they're not taking our advice seriously though are they that's so deep that's a terrible they're living in hell say they are living in hell say to him right you can go out and you can do drugs you can do three day benders if you want but how about this compromise have one three day bender every two months otherwise look at what you're gonna lose you're gonna lose me your loving devoted hard-working house-proud wife I've got beautiful little children with you that are literally your spawn they're going to grow up they're carrying your DNA what would you prefer a three-day bender or this beautiful family or just say none or me don't say none but actually the next time you can go on a three-day bender stop it you've got kids stop it let him have a bit shall we do one that's not so serious woman at work newly single fit as fuck help as in this is the woman messaging in yeah i'm woman at work

1:14:46let's assume it's a person at work who fancies the woman at work the fact and i do not take this as me being nasty because i don't know you the fact you've written that into us makes me think you never have a chance with her. Ever. There we go then. That's that one. Do you know what I mean? It's some cool guy who could actually get this person messaging that in here. Not email him in, is he? No. He is not email him in. I'm picturing Will off the in-betweeners. Yeah. Yeah. What about this? Feeble a happy hour. As three star-studded men who are happily in love and married soon to be, what advice do you have to find a partner?

1:15:22I've never been in love before. Have a face like a bull sack and basically given up with dating apps like three years of trying. I'm okay with being single, but being alone for another 28 years isn't exactly on the bingo card. Any tips or tricks would be much appreciated. Right, so face with a ball sack. Steve, do you want to say this one? It says soggy ball sack. Soggy ball sack. How did you find somebody to put up with your face? Yeah. How did you do that? Just luck, really, I think. Yeah. You know how earlier on we said, like, for the short person, my version of short is my soggy ball sack face.

1:15:53Right. You're into that. Yeah, you've just got to find someone who likes that. A Tinder preference is soggy ballsack. Looking for soggy ballsack face. Swing. All over it. One for one. I think it is just there's someone out there for everyone. Someone will settle for you. I watched Jeremy Kyle once and there was this fucking bloke on there, right? Who was disgusting, right? He was disgusting. Not comparing it to this lovely listener. He was like, I'm not even talking about his face. He was a vile prick, right? He had no teeth, right? He was a drug addict. He had forgotten his kids. or something and he had two women fighting over him so I thought fuck me what were they like?

1:16:34massive honestly what do you mean? huge I just wasn't expecting you to say that but nice people how do you know? they're on Jeremy Kyle and they were fighting over this guy's love and affection i thought if it's all right for him it's all right for anyone there was someone out there for anyone i think a lot of these no confidence ones are just if you go out and meet people and do things to boost your confidence your chance is going to be a lot higher yeah the more you do the better you're going to get more confidence you're going to get and if you look after yourself I always think this right if you look after yourself but no one else is going out with you still at least yourself is looked after you see what I'm saying?

1:17:31there's nothing to lose by like I don't know self love just being nice to yourself have a bath bubbles rejection therapy is a big thing now as well isn't it? yeah but that's not going to help someone who's already not had any love in 28 years going out specifically so people can tell them to fuck off. But one person might go, don't fuck off. Do you want one more? I want this one. Yeah. I've just moved in with my girlfriend and we have sex about once a week, but I love a wank and I sneak off to have one. Is it weird or bad? Is it weird or bad? I'm honestly off. Yeah, you little sneaky tosser, mate.

1:18:12You can cut it out. How old are you? What do you mean? What do you mean? Nah, do you know what? You've got to stop wanking in your early 20s. That's my hot take. Fucking grow up, mate. Do you know what I mean? Jack loves a sneaky wank. Do you? I have. Yours aren't sneaky, though. I'm doing it in front of the window. We can hear you. Why are we still doing this?

1:18:38Get away. Can we kiss? I knew that was going to be shit before we even started.

1:18:52Jack makes happy hour. For a limited time, you can get a Big Mac meal for just$8. That's a burger, fries, and a drink. They don't call it an extra value meal for nothing. Get a Big Mac meal only at McDonald's. Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweet Green. maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured you know what to do order on the Sweetgreen app