632 - RUFUS RICE - Sh*ggers Society, Partying With Love Islanders, & The ULTIMATE Posh Test!

32:09How are we kicking that up? We're letting Rufus kick that up. We're going to pull rank. What's our rank? We're with you. Yeah, you're with me. And then we're going to go bowling. You're going to love that. And then we're going to head to the gin tub, which can only be described as the greatest bar in all of Hove. Okay. It is an absolute hotspot. It's also the only bar in Hove, I should say that. Okay. So there's not much choice, and it's an absolute hot spot for Love Islanders. The ones that live in Brighton. Right. It's quite narrow now. I wouldn't fit in. I went there. I had an afters at my house once and just Billy from Love Island and his dad turned up.

32:43I was like... I don't know. Yeah, I didn't really either. I vaguely, faintly recognised him. Why is his dad or more? Yeah, why is he out with his dad? Yeah, I don't know why his dad was there, to be honest. Right. At your house? At my house. His dad just... He won't remember this. No. No. So you could be making it up. But then somebody ordered, somebody ordered like some balloons, like some moss. and then Billy and his dad left. Well, they didn't like that. They weren't in on the balloon thing. They didn't like it. No, to be honest, I didn't really like it. No. Because I've got a lot of neighbours because I live in an apartment block and they all know my parents because like...

33:13What your parents would kick off if they knew you were doing balloons, would they? I didn't do balloons. I want to put that out there. I put a stop to the balloon thing. But the balloons were in your house. No, they were getting ordered. Someone deliver-oode some balloons, basically. What? But I shut it down before it happened. I didn't know you could do that. Yeah, I didn't know either. Balloons are the nos thing that people keep doing in cars at the minute, isn't it? You don't need a dealer. You don't need a dealer. Deliveroo it. Do you not need a balloon dealer? Apparently, it turns up it's just like a scuba tank full of nos.

33:42It's the same stuff as... You just puff it, right? You can use it in like coffee making and stuff, can't you? What? Yes, you get the cartridges to make whipped cream. That's the one. So the guy who delivered them, he's not a drug dealer. They were never delivered. Oh, right. I was like, you can't deliver balloons to my house. Everyone's going to see that. And they don't think that we're going scuba diving. You just can't do that. You could have answered the door in like big flippers. Yeah. The idea of a balloon dealer to me, it's just like a clown. Yeah, that is mental. It probably is. I reckon clowns probably don't get a good day rate.

34:20No. So they've got a little side hustle. Footballers always get in trouble for it, don't they? Yeah. There's a few, you know Mantra in Norwich? There's a few footballers that got photographed under a coat doing them. One of them, I think, plays for Newcastle now. Oh. Maybe. I'm not sure. So you're from Hove, but you grew up in Singapore? Yeah. So when I was 11-ish, it was about 2013, my parents sort of semi-retired. Right. And basically, we need to live somewhere else. And they basically just picked it on weather. Oh, wow. I am and I was you know I'm just a kid so you don't really get a choice so we just go yeah so yeah I lived in Indonesia for three years and I lived in Singapore for four years and then I came back did the worst gap year of my that's the worst year of my entire life you did a gap year in England yeah so you've not been back long I've been back well five years now so you spent the majority of your life in Singapore no no because you was here for 11 years Unless you think five years is the majority of 23.

35:25In which case, yes. So what was that like in Singapore? Singapore is one of the great nations. Is it? Yeah. It's basically a great social experiment of, what if we had a dictatorship, but they just did the right thing? Okay, right. Dictatorships are really effective at getting shit done. Democracy is very slow. We're in the process. Lots of debates. Lots of votes. Always having to have a referendum on stuff. They don't bother with that shit in Singapore. so they just decide break that down for us what rules what regimes are you under there that you're not so much so it's one of the strictest countries in the world yeah I think homosexuality was legalised last year fucking hell yeah not marriage you can't get married but bumming is on okay that got legalised last year right decriminalised so you just missed that you just missed out yeah but I was doing I liked when it was illegal because I felt dirty you know If this ever goes anywhere, you'll never be allowed to return to Singapore.

36:25They don't take jokes hugely well. That's what I'm saying. Isn't it a place, I think we were talking about this yesterday, but isn't it a place where you can get shot if you do drugs? It still has the death penalty for certain crimes. They don't use it a lot. And as you imagine, there's not actually much crime, as you might imagine. Yeah. The main bad punishment that you can get is a whipping. Oh wow, did you ever get that? Oh, you have to do something pretty bad. Oh, really? Yeah, you don't get it for like jaywalking. So if you can get shot in the head for having a spliff... No, it's not that bad.

37:04No? You probably get whipped for having a spliff. And how does that work? So they give you a lashing. You get like eight of the best. Arse out? No, it's on your back. Right, because arse out would be a little bit homoerotic, wouldn't it? Yeah, they don't want that. No, no, they'd have to whip themselves.

37:25where are we going with this the whipping is bad it leaves you with permanent scars for the rest of your life that's how bad the whipping is oh shit so like people who've been whipped they they live with it forever big stigma obviously yeah so what's your parents thinking when they're going like well we moved to indonesia lovely country lovely weather we're living out in Bali for three, four years. But the schools ran out basically. There weren't any schools good enough in Indonesia for a high achiever such as myself. Yeah. And they knew that at your young age. So I was like, please just send me to boarding school, please.

37:59So I got sent to boarding school in Singapore. Wow. Because boarding schools, I imagine we've obviously never been. No. I imagine that they're quite strict, right? You sleep. Yeah. So Singapore, where was this? Singapore. Yeah. So a Singapore boarding school, I imagine to be super strict. No, I actually think it's the other way around because the country is so safe because there's just no crime or anything. You're actually given liberties you wouldn't get if you were a British boarding school. In what way? Because like,

38:32if you're out and about by yourself as a 13, 14 year old, nothing bad can happen to you. So you're sort of allowed, you're sort of given that freedom based on that fact. Yeah. So it's actually a very good place to go. I wish everyone was able to go to boarding school. And I do mean that. I think it's very good for your personal development, like becoming an independent person, at least starting to do some independent things from age 13, 14. But then I think in a public school like we went to, you're kind of like, you're kind of like exposed to the elements a little bit more, if you know what I mean.

39:02Like your people are cunts, like it's a bit rough around the edges. Like you learn the street smarts a little bit. Yeah, I've seen the face of poverty. I've been on some trips, man. what's the worst place you've ever been india in terms of poverty levels yeah from what i what i saw rural india there's some pretty bad stuff they didn't even have the internet mate no really yeah what were you just traveling around were you i was traveling around well so our family as a history of india we colonized it for 100 years uh and the church the rice memorial family church still exists so we went for the 100 year anniversary it's in south india we tried to convert the locals to Christianity didn't work.

39:43But the church still exists. Still a church. Is this serious? See, this is what I mean. This is what I mean, Stevie. This is what I mean with him. It's real. It's real. So your family... Colonised India in the 1800s, built a church, named it after themselves, the Rise Memorial Church. And you went for the 100-year anniversary? Yeah. What are you getting out of that? Yeah, why are you doing that? Why are you going to... Surely that's... That was a big ceremony. But is that not a time you go back and go, do you want this back? Yeah. You don't... It was a gift to the community. You gave it back. So you have given it back.

40:13It was never, you can't really own a church, if you know what I mean. Like, you know, I'm sure there's some Americans that would disagree with that. But like, yeah, it wasn't about that. I would say, you know, as colonialism goes, this is pretty good stuff here. Because we, you know, we built them a dam. One of my ancestors did some very important archaeology out there. And then we went back after 100 years. And it bet it's just let them crack on. Well, they were just throwing a party. they're sending out the invites and they're like you guys you took the balloons over yeah yeah who's throwing the party the community the church community oh okay yeah it's not run by like our family anymore like you just got the name on it yeah just got the name on it um which i think is fair enough uh so i want to talk more about the boarding school in singapore sure sure hold on just before we go there right okay at the start of the show you said you're on the level of posh with Max Fosch.

41:06And you said just below royalty are people who own like these estates in the UK. Your family own a church in India. They were missionaries. They were missionaries back in the day. Spreading the good word of the Lord to the locals. Right. So, you know, that's a lowly job. That's a step above Fosch though. Yeah. Well, we don't know about Fosch's history. That's true. We never asked. We don't know how much of India Fosch has colonised. you get him on your podcast and really like grill him on that have a posh off yeah yeah i would love a posh off yeah that would be good i'd watch that so boarding school singapore yeah over here especially in public school where we went to you have a hierarchy of people don't you yeah so you have different cliques and groups yeah famously have chavs yes my favorite were there chavs in a singapore boarding school no you know no it would be it would it'd be quite difficult journey for your standard chav to get into a Singapore...

42:07But were there rougher people? No. Are we not going to belt with? I think you have to appreciate that Singapore is basically the wealthiest country on earth. It's up there with like Lichtenstein and Qatar, you know, per person. Like, there are no ghettos. There are no like... Basically, everyone lives in a council house because the government built all the houses. so you can't own property there then not as a foreigner we just rented a condo but it's the only country where there are more houses than people actually really? yeah because they thought about it in advance good from them to be fair so if you go out to the outskirts of Singapore there's just thousands of empty homes so there's no homelessness in there no absolutely none there's no homeless people zero it's illegal to be homeless in Singapore is it?

42:58yeah so if they see a homeless person which they wouldn't But if they did... The punishment is get in that house. No, literally. We do ask all of our guests this. I imagine you'll give us a completely different answer. What's the naughtiest thing you ever did at school? Well, I came back to the boarding house drunk. Because I was celebrating. You guys are going to make fun of me. But I was celebrating doing my GCSEs two years early. I respect it. Yeah. I got some good results. So my mum said, here's some money. Take your boys out for a nice meal. Spend it on booze. Are you allowed to get drunk there?

43:38We found exactly one bar that was happy to serve 14-year-olds. Eventually got shut down because someone got alcohol poisoning from it. Right. Wouldn't the owner of the bar get lashings if they found... Yeah, we don't know what happened to Steve. Steve? Well, you know, Steve. Oh, okay. Just felt like just some fella called Steve in Singapore with a bar. yeah Chinese Steve I don't know what his name is but yeah something awful probably happened to him I mean we never heard from him again after that you had a good night I had a great night came back there was a absolutely beautiful Russian girl two years above me yeah knowing what I know and how much that school cost to go like her dad's probably a war criminal right but she was so leng so I tried I was a bit drunk in state tried dropping me a bit of chat yeah how old are you at this point I'm like 14 I was so drunk just really binging it up his teacher just walked straight in behind me while I'm doing it and what was the outcome?

44:38what was the consequence? oh I got a three day suspension fuck off, what from school? for chatting to a girl? no because he's drunk oh right and this was not an official consequence but I did shit myself during it so that was a bad thing That was a bad thing that actually shit come out. Just a little nugget. Why? Because I was scared.

45:08So the actual punishment was three days suspension. Did the Russian girl you fancied know that you shot yourself? No, but she also never spoke to me ever again. Right. So if you met her up a ski slope, you would have been a whole different story. Bulletproof stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Can you speak Chinese then? Yeah. it's the it's like doing french at school right just like the you know the basics yeah like i can do enough to impress a white person yeah well let's do it then yeah yeah can you say is it man is it mandarin mandarin yeah can you say i'm not gonna be able to say this i bet you will i bet you will say i'm rufus rice and you are listening to a show that's really funny yeah i don't know I can't do that I used to be really good How much do you still know?

46:01Oh I can say please can I have a fork Is that what you said No no I said I said I can speak a little bit Chinese And that's it That's all in your wheelhouse Gets you far in China that stuff Can I have a fork You eat a lot of food out there they don't always give you a thought right so Stevie and I we went to obviously public school and on our lunch breaks what do we do we play football handball Mr Wolf what a game you know that what are you doing on your lunch breaks so

46:45obviously when I was a kid we were playing football but in Singapore it's too hot to play football at lunchtime it's 35 degrees every day and 100 % humidity so you can't really play football 100 % humidity yeah it's right on the equator so like it's just a rainforest that they built a city on so 100 % that's like you're in water you're in water you're in the sea the air is actually thick like you can move your hand through it and it's got more resistance this is dry air compared to Singapore what the fuck that 100 % humidity is 100 % water, right? Yeah, well, it's not 100%, but it's as close as you can get.

47:24Right. And it's, you know, it is just a rainforest. So you're not playing football, aren't you? You basically just, you have to be an air con really all the time. So what are you doing? So what are you doing? So I was a member of Shag Sock, Shag is society, of course. Right. And we, every... I imagine this isn't an actual society. No, it's an unofficial group. Yeah. Yeah, it's not sanctioned by the board. What age is this? This is in high school. you know are you shagging at this point no i was a big virgin it's not really what this is about though i i i i was i was a virgin until i moved back here yeah and then on the fourth day i was here i lost my virginity which i think tells you a lot about here and singapore very dry country singapore what age is that i 18 right yeah right i was just permanent residency in the friend zone at school, yeah.

48:16What was the point of Shagsock? Shagsock was where we would test our interesting theories on shagging. Based on no evidence, of course. How are you testing it? We're all virgins. We would have, you know, Socratic debates in seminars. Someone would come up with a theory and we'd test that. What's the theory, though? How are you testing it? What the fuck are you talking about? Someone drew a world map once. Okay. We were trying to we were trying to basically work out where the ugliest girls in the world are from right so we had a basically like a world cup knockout bracket tournament

49:00this is what i told you about him it's alternative banter i don't know i don't know what to say so let's go for him we met can you remember some of the lower nations that didn't quite make it out the group i don't want to be mean yes you did a whole world cup of it yeah yeah but you know all right let's talk about the fact that i i i feel like it's gonna look bad because i feel like a lot of decisions were drawn across racial lines ah also asia singapore are like so racist are they yeah yeah asian countries are the most racist right is this you then just setting it up so then you can be racist and feel better about it no i'm just saying i think maybe you can draw your own conclusions about what sort of things we're getting to a lot of european nations in that final it was a long time ago who was in the final oh it was um who got to the final of this is in the fittest bracket i can't remember the final italy sweden what a game yeah to be fair who won the final sweden won the final did they you have to right we want to move on from uh your school and like we talked about the top of the show we were talking about just how posh you are so i've got a few questions uh that i got from online why did you say that i forgot from online that they're gonna test just how posh you are really first okay so um first of all have you ever been punting okay i mean i know i know what it is i feel like most people don't even know what it is i don't know what it is do you know what it is i could not if i explain it now what's punting maybe something to do with boats yeah correct so a very famous place you would do it is Cambridge oh is this the thing Robbie went to on the river so it's basically a sort of big canoe boat thing man with a stick going like this like a gondola yes like a gondola in Venice and have you ever done it?

50:58no okay right so we'll give him half a point for that can you name any two members from the TV show Made in Chelsea yeah i mean the thing is i've met them at parties and stuff i've never watched that balloons with them i've never watched that show but um well freddie natchbull we went on a night out in natchbull that guy's a weapon on the lash the thing is i'm that was about two years ago i haven't spoken to him since he's such a but he is he's good fun that guy what's a night out with a made in chelsea star like right it was funny because um so we went to a club in in uh in chelsea right and we pulled up and there's like a massive line yeah and he was like don't worry about this i'll get i'll get it yeah yeah yeah yeah it's my it's my ends yeah yeah and um you say this is my we walked past he didn't know who i was what how have you ended up with the car with him aren't you yeah yeah but we we're you know you just bump into people at parties and then you say do you want to go on a night out?

51:59Oh shit, so he didn't even know you were this social media guy. He was talking to a girl and I was talking to that girl's mate and all four of us went. Oh, okay. I didn't really know him. Right. I just knew he was on that show. Yeah. But he's obviously assumed he's the most famous person in the car, which I think is very fair enough. Okay. We walked past this line. By the way, Chelsea, if the whole world was like Chelsea, I'd be the most famous person of all time. Right? Because that is just my demographic typified into one place. Yeah. We walked past this. It's just an absolute carnage, right?

52:28I just get recognised by absolutely everybody in this line and he turns around and goes, who the fuck are you? And I was like, don't worry Freddie, I'll get us in. We just had a good time. So Freddie, and then, oh fuck, there's got to be, Spencer Matthews was on that, wasn't he? Yeah, perfect, that's the point. Next one, Stevie. Have you ever bought anything from Jack Wills? Oh, I lived in Jack Wills almost permanently for years. I've still got a Jack Wills hoodie in the wardrobe somewhere. Have you? Yeah, yeah. Next one. Do you own a gilet?

53:05I don't anymore. That's a fucking point. I'll put that down for the fee. Let's talk through, can we talk through your clothes? I want to see what you're wearing today. So as you see, I've decided to cosplay as Top Gun from Maverick. Right, right. So that's quite a fucking posh jacket. Do you? Okay, so I really hate vintage clothing, right? Yeah. this is the only thing that I've ever bought secondhand because I don't understand why you'd want clothes with someone's sweaty armpit residue in it. Yeah, yeah. What made you want that so much? I bought it for a Halloween costume because I was genuinely dressing up as Maverick from Top Gun.

53:41And I liked it so much, I've kept wearing it now. Okay. Just as a jacket. So you say you bought it secondhand. So where do you... I can't imagine you went into a local Oxfam. You hate charity. So where's that from? No, I do hate charity and I've never been to Oxfam. Yeah. No, there's loads of vintage clothes shops in Brighton. How much is that? It's cut to a chase. I think this was 60 quid. Which is... That's a steal. But I did spend like five hours trying to find the right jacket. Right. I needed this for the Halloween thing. Yeah. I would never do that otherwise. Okay. I hate secondhand clothing.

54:10You're not dressed posh. No, but this is the least posh I'll ever be dressed. Usually I look like I work in a hedge fund. Have you... Like my entire wardrobe is blue and white striped shirts. Okay. And... You was wearing a blazer yesterday. And quarter zips. Yeah. and that's your usual attire you're not doing that to ham up your roots I wear that every day I don't own a pair of joggers do you not? nah, because they make you look like a slob do you wear pyjamas? nah, I sleep naked gotta let it breathe I do that to be fair so you say this is the least posh you'll ever look and the reason for that is because you're on this show?

54:47well I'm up in London recording our podcast but I'm bringing a backpack so you can only fit one jacket so I just had to pick a jacket. Right. So I just picked this jacket. Right. That's basically it. Okay. But yeah, no, no. I do wear exactly the clothes that you're thinking of. All the time. Do your parents own any land? Yeah, we've got a few bits. You're talking about just land on its own? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we've got a bit in Japan. Oh, fucking hell! Are they Lord and Lady then? No, no, no. They didn't inherit it from the emperor. No, but I thought, no, no, I meant in England. No. Because I thought if you owned land, you become a lord here.

55:32No. Isn't there a title thing? It's the other way around. Oh, is it? What, if you don't own land, I'm a lord. You get the title bestowed upon you, and with that comes traditionally the deed to a certain tract of land, right? Right. But, like, these days, if you're, those titles you have to inherit. They're not making them anymore. the only ones you can get is when you become a sir or a dame you're a knight but you don't get any land with that anymore and you're not a member of the landed gentry as we said there's no land so many of these words I don't understand it's just various levels of wankery I think my parents are not involved in that my parents are not old money so they never had an opportunity to get any of that stuff you have to be from generations So are your grandparents not Mented?

56:23No, no. So my mum went to state school. Okay. And my dad went to a private school, but his dad was a teacher. So, like, my parents started business and became successful. So you're the first generation of Nepo baby in your family. Yeah, but, like, I don't consider myself a Nepo baby. Because, like, how many followers are a fucking inherited? Like, it's not many, is it? My dad's got, what, 12 friends on Facebook? do they do your parents like what you do um so or do they think you passed your gcse's two years early to go and do tiktok yeah no so my parents are very supportive um i wanted to be an investment banker that won't shock you at all no um and i did work experience in investment banks thanks to my dad's contacts right and uh i just had a miserable time like yeah i don't want to be in this office doing this and that sort of made me think i want to do creative stuff yeah but i still went to university to do the degree um and dropped out fortunately because of tiktok career had taken off so that was good do you so what is your dream then no tiktok tiktoker wants to be a tiktoker no absolutely none of them i'd much rather be a rock star is that the aim that's the goal if i could if i could just do that i would do that i would quit tiktok in a heartbeat would you yeah yeah yeah because that's i mean why wouldn't you want to do the thing you actually want to do but I'm working on that I've released what three songs so far yes you have I'm pulling a James Marriott yeah yeah yeah yeah do you like James Marriott's music no what's your music sorry James it's just not my nice music I think that's fair enough what kind of music do you normally listen to as we said yeah but you're not doing that are you the kind of music I make is like insufferable 2000s alternative rock okay you're going on tour aren't you I'm going on tour but it's to do comedy oh is it What, you're doing stand-up?

58:11Yeah, and musical comedy, because I've made loads of parody songs. Right. How's your stand-up? I mean, it's easy stand-up. Is it? Yeah, I think so. Because I just do the exact same sort of jokes that I do in my TikToks. Right. But do they translate well? Yeah, sort of. Like a top five of something you'll do. You can easily do that, and that's already five minutes of your set right there. But then if you've already, are these ones you haven't put on your TikTok yet? Yeah, I came up with some new ideas. is your audience your tiktok audience that are coming to watch your shows yeah yeah yeah yeah um i've done two so far have you where'd you do them i did them i did them in london did you yeah they went well it went well we sold them out yeah um everyone thought it was great so hopefully what's your tour called rice age it's a pun yeah yeah yeah it's clever isn't it yeah yeah yeah what was what what what ideas that were on the list that didn't quite make yeah so my dad i enlisted his help yeah yeah um but like he just came up with the shittest ideas go on i'll find them actually right i i don't know if rice age is a killer uh if that one what was well i think rice age is a killer compared to what you're about to hear we will see how does rice age kind of tie into your show oh it's just my name but the link to ice age yeah but it's like it's like the era of rufus rice you know like It's a rice age.

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1:01:00No, no, no. I mean, that sounds like a kid's book. Yeah, that's bad. Waxing Lyrical. No. What? No. Rice Cream. I don't know how he came up with that, but not Rice Age. Rhyming Slag. I thought your dad came up with that. I quite like that. Yeah, that's the best one there. But I can call my tour Rhyming Slag. Yeah, but you're always on about chat with the brasses. Not the brasses, but with the women. Yeah. and then I'm going to call the third tour the third rice that's already you've got to do a first and a second well rice age 2 the letdown it's based on rice age 2 the meltdown little pun as well so let's go back to this posh quiz we said about punting similar question do you know the rules of croquet I mean everyone knows the fucking rules don't they well you hit the ball in the little thing but is there a point system Yeah, it's one point per thing.

1:01:58Oh, I didn't know if there were like colours and you could get more points. Everyone has their own coloured ball, I think, of the colours. And you just take turns each, do you? It's about number of strokes needed to get it through the... So it's golf? It's golf. Right, it's flat golf. Right. Have you ever been to the Royal Ascot? No, I mean, I've been to the races, just not that one. Yeah, do you like the horse racing? Oh, I fucking love it, mate. Do you? There's something about, like... A lot of posh activities are pretentious and wanky, but there's something nice about doing it just for one day.

1:02:27I went once to horse and I just don't get it. I don't get it really. Well, it's not really about horse racing. It's more about gambling, really. It's like apre horse, right? It's what you do around the horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know, and I didn't know what this was, well why would I? Do you know what the wall game is? Yeah. Oh, fucking hell. One of my oldest family friends went to Eton, so he played the game. Explain to us what it was. You've never heard of it, right? it's played once a year by all definitions it's one of the worst sports ever created least entertaining things it's played once a year onst andrew's day um and it is opedans versus king scholars so king scholars are the people who got a scholarship to go yeah um who are often smart but poor right and then the opedans are the larger house those are the people who paid to go so not smart and rich and that was my mate was in that one okay yeah okay and you select a team i think it's teams of seven right and then all the spectators sit on the top of said wall it's just a really long wall on the boundary of a field at eton right and there's a it's a very thin the pitch is very thin it's only like five meters wide and very long right and the idea is to get the ball to over the end line yeah and from then from there uh the captain of the team will have have a throw at one end there's a door if you hit the door with the ball that's a point the other end there's a tree and if you hit the tree that's a point as well you're going in opposite directions and you're throwing it like netball you're just throwing it like from behind a line to try and hit the tree you've are you passing two people or not um so within the actual game itself there's very few rules okay right yeah basically by hook or crook any means necessary full contact sport oh you need to get the ball over the line at the other end for a chance to throw at the tree right that that is basically the rules the rules are very simple so is that kind of like rugby in the middle then yeah but there's there's almost no space to play any because it's only five meters oh shit yes so as a sport is one of the fundamentally worst games ever created yeah um i'll actually get some stats up because you you're like this it's incredibly difficult it basically becomes a scrum next to a wall yeah right and it's incredibly difficult difficult to ever get, ever actually get the...

1:04:51So we'll overlay this, but what me and Steve are looking at right now is the Eton Wall game footage of the game from 1921. So it's been going on a long time. And look, so this is how narrow it is. Everyone's being pressed up against a wall. It looks like something from the wall. Well, it would have been the right time, wouldn't it? Do you know what I mean? It looks like pretty low. now they're all just slamming into each other trying to get the ball. You know when we had Josh Pugh on and he spoke about the shrove ball? It looks like that. They're throwing the ball at hell. It does look like a strange version of rugby on a much thinner...

1:05:25Yeah, so they're basically like, it's pretty rough if you're up next to the wall because you're basically just getting all the skin on the side of your body ripped off, rubbing against this wall for an hour. Yeah. You said the spectators are sat on that wall looking down. Spectators are sat on the wall looking down on it. So I've just checked it. It is 5 metres wide 110 meters long so to try and get that ball that far yeah it's almost impossible so they i was wrong they play it twice a year oh once on once onst andrew's day and then once on ascension day what's that a different christian holiday right after church service no goals no points have been scored in thest andrew's day game since 1909 what's the point every game since then has finish nil nil that's how difficult it is you know every every time it comes up they're going this will be the time we're getting we're gonna be the first team in over a hundred years yeah in over a hundred years wow so so um that that happens on the other game so the last goal that was scored yeah was in 2022 on the ascension day uh in the ascension day fixture college has one operands nil yeah and that's that is a huge result like that's the thing if you if you're the person who scores that you basically go down legend because the last time a point a goal was scored was 1955 um does it say on there who scored it it doesn't say who scored it no um but yeah like if you look through the historical results like 1927 no nil 1951 no nil 2017 no nil you know what so it's basically like once a generation a school boy will score a point and he'll just go down in the history of the game.

1:07:06It sounds shit. There's something quite beautiful about it. Yeah, I kind of really want to go and watch it. I like the scarcity of the goal. It gives it so much fun. One every 25 years. How long is a game? Yeah, that was my question. I think it's an hour. An hour for nothing to happen. If you could somehow get in... It's 55 minutes with five minutes for halftime. So it is an hour. Right. If you could... 55 minutes, five minutes, so it's 22 and a half. 22 and a half minutes if you could somehow get into playing I'd be shit in that but if you could vlog that that would bang yeah I think it's only for kids though is it?

1:07:44yeah because Eton is a school and it's only for the people the kids who are at the school because I don't think they're a fully grown man just playing that game what if we create a game and we can do like posh people versus council estate people I'd love a Sidemen Charity cricket match I've been saying it for years if they had one of those I'd be the mini minter of that. You know how he bangs like a hat trick every game? I'd be in that. I'd be at the top of the order. Are you a good cricket player? That was my sport. Was it? Yeah. I can't really play football at all. Right. I'd love to see you in the Sidemen charity game.

1:08:16I was always too small for rugby. Yeah. But cricket, that's my game. What's your position? Really? What? That's not really how it works. Everyone has to bat. Right. But are you like, do you do the spinny balls or do you do the? I used to come in steaming off a length with a few quick ones I was a paceman yeah that's like you speaking Mandarin again to me yeah don't get it okay wall game one point we got a few more of these do you have a family coat of arms I didn't think we did for the longest time does he fucking does because I'd never seen it yeah right and then I discovered it was only a year or so ago that my granny has actually got a signet ring with a coat of arms on it there's apparently that's our family thing what's is that what's the design on it well it's it sort of looks like all the other ones because they're all sort of the same isn't it like a couple of lions around a shield sort of thing but but my granny is not like she married into the Bryce family right so like I don't know if that's very legit that I see I think that's even posh for phrasing it that way don't you I wouldn't say my nan married into the Dean family.

1:09:30No. Would you? No, I wouldn't. How do you refer to your mum and dad? Mum and dad. I don't do that. Zero points. I stand for that. Last two. What do you call the last meal of the day? Supper. Point. That's posh. And do you know your family tree? How far back are we going? How far do you know? I know it back to sort of 1750. I didn't go past my great nan. Really? Oh, we have got a bonus question. You ever been... Yeah, I couldn't do... I've got some quite, like, distinguished family members back in the day. Go on. Like, not just the colonial guys, but on my mum's side, I have... There's a guy who helped to decipher the Rosetta Stone text.

1:10:16Oh. If you're looking at me because you don't know what the fuck that is. Rosetta Stone's the ones who teach you languages. Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought... Yes, that language teaching company is named after the stone. This is how they figured out a lot of ancient languages. So the same thing is written in three or four different languages of the time period on this stone, right? So we figured out one, and from there we figured out four languages. Oh, okay. So he was part of the team who worked that out. And that's how we know how to read ancient Greek and things like that. So there was a stone found?

1:10:52Yeah, a tablet. Where was that found? Rosetta or somewhere. what was that in England? Greece or something and there was scribbles on it yeah so he deciphered the scribbles which is how we learn to read all those old books okay right fucking hell that is impressive and then you'll be more excited about this because my great great great uncle invented Maltesers yeah I knew you guys would be gassed about that I love Maltesers it was a big finale I had to tee you up with the boring stuff I'm so into that because Jamie Lang's grandparents are McVitney's aren't they so yeah but unfortunately he didn't own the company like they did he just worked there which means you he probably didn't even get a bonus we've got we're going to total up those points I want to find out and we've got some quick fire council estate things we want to see if you know what they are yeah I've never been to a council estate genuinely you would have walked through surely you've been but like when you've been to loads of cities surely you've yeah but i'd yeah but yeah to go like in downtown i'm not i'm not like going to birmingham to check out the worst suburbs okay so for the posh test you got 9.5 points out of 30 out of 12 which is pretty impressive yeah i think that's about right that's what let's uh go through some of these you might just know what all of these are kirby what the pink pink gimp from nintendo games no the game you'd play in the street no i don't know what that is what do you think it is well is it like is it like kicking a football against a curb and then something like that close you stand either side of a road a lot of the time cars will be driving through like every now and now because you're on a council estate there's not constant traffic but you stand either side of a road and you've got to throw the ball at the curb on the opposite side if the ball hits the curb and it comes back to you and you catch it you get your point right okay never played it never played that you ever played knock knock run yeah ding dong ditch yes that what you called it yeah yeah yeah what's that like doing it on a like a posh estate you have to do a 5k to get off their lawn chased by the dogs i did do it once and it really fucking backfired i did it in a hotel this is on a ski holiday actually right um and me my mate was like ah we were gonna try and prank his older brother by basically repeating on knocking on his door and going room service right so we got the wrong door and we did it and this guy came out like this old fucking man like started shouting at us and I actually pissed myself in front of him so it really backfired I haven't played it since there's a lot of poo and piss for you isn't there yeah I've got a weak constitution dog's ass no do you know what that is I know what a dog's ass is yeah Did you ever play like Heads and Volleys?

1:13:44Football. Yeah. I've played football before. But Heads and Volleys is like a very specific game. Heads and Vs. Heads and Vs. Nah. Rebounds? Nah. Dog's ass? Nah. So Dog's ass is normally the loser. Why don't we ask him what you think Dog's ass is? Well it sounds like Prince and Pauper I think. What? What's that? As in like if you fuck it up you go back down to Pauper and like King's Court you know what I'm talking about? No. So in Singapore we play this game on the in the courtyard um so this is traditionally played on concrete although i imagine like tennis you could play on a lot of surfaces um so it's sort of four squares like this yeah and this one therefore is the is the king's court right and you have a tennis ball it's a bit like fives you know yeah yeah um but no court obviously and you're it's sort of handballing this thing back and forth and there's certain rules about where it's got to bounce and if you fuck it up right you get demoted to the back of the line there aren't just four players there's basically every boy in the whole year is waiting in a big line like this right and when you go to the back of the line everyone moves up one court to king to king's court okay and the goal is to try and dominate as king's court for as long as possible this thing and then you go to the back of the line and you've got to wait like five minutes for 10 more points to be played to get your chance you start on the pauper's court and work your way up through the ranks of society what if you're in the pauper's court is there a punishment no no pauper's court is actually because at least you're in the game.

1:15:09Oh, so you want to be there. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to be in the back of the fucking line. But there's no punishment for being at the back of the line. No, you are disadvantaged against because the king gets to serve every time. Much like real life. Right, okay. Wow. Or Dog's Ass is you do like keepy-ups or something, is it? Yeah, it could be anything. Why don't you just say keepy-ups? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Dog's Ass is the punishment. Yeah, so you can play any mini game. You can play rebounds, keepy-ups, heads and Vs, Wembley singles, Wembley doubles, all that. Classic. And then if you say you're doing keepy-ups and you drop the ball, you are then the dog's arse, and you have to stand against a fence or a goal, trousers down, arse out, and have the other players smash the ball as hard as they can at your arse.

1:15:47Yeah, yeah. Yeah? I mean, I've definitely seen other people do it, you know, in films. It's like our version of getting whipped in Singapore. Yeah. Turkey dinosaurs, ever had one? No. But my mum is a food writer. Is she? About healthy food and stuff. Right. So like a turkey twizzler is not standing a chance in our house. No, no, no. Dino Nugget. No way. No. You know. My parents taught me that like McDonald's is the devil and you can't go there. It's that sort of thing. Do you ever go there now? I mean, of course I've been there. It still says in the back of my mind, you can't really have that slop from McDonald's.

1:16:24No. If you go, what are you ordering though? What have they got? Like burgers and stuff, right? Do they have? You must be having us on. Yeah, of course. I'm getting a I still think a chicken mayo is so underrated It's a great sandwich that What do you eat on a normal day then? Because your mum's not making your food No not anymore So I'm not cooking anything Because I would love to enjoy cooking but I just don't That's just culinary admin In my opinion I'm with you on that So I have meal preps delivered So I just eat those And then if I've eaten all of those for the week And it's not the end of the week yet I'll deliver you something.

1:17:06And what will you get? Sushi? Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. That is still, I do actually still think sushi's a bit posh. Yeah, I agree. When she's ordering it, you know, different world. Hmm. But, uh, chip butty. Yeah. I mean, I've never had one, but I've seen other people consume them. Okay. Uh, do you know what scraps are? It's a food, isn't it? Yeah. It's, it's some kind of just fried nonsense. Go on. Fried. But like, it's just like fried it looks like sort of skin flakes that have been deep fried. Yeah yeah yeah we'll give you that It's like old bits isn't it? Yeah it's basically the batter that have fallen off the fish I have been to a chippy Have you ever had one of these four drinks?

1:17:52Frosty Jacks No. Do you know what it is? I thought that was a character from Guardians of the Galaxy K-Cider No. One of these is going to be white lightning isn't it? Lambrini. I've had a, I had a Lambrini. Someone had one at uni. Okay. I had an appris. Right. It's just grim wine, isn't it? Yeah, it's horrible. And then Panda Pops. Do you know what Panda Pops is? No, I've never heard of a Panda. You've never heard of a Panda Pop? This is exciting, isn't it? No, genuinely, I've never heard of that. It's like our, as kids, that was like our original fizzy drinks that we'd be, we'd get. It's a drink.

1:18:25Yeah, it's like little, like I've genuinely never seen that in my life. Do you know what a Calypso is? I know what a Calypso is. So no, then. No, I don't know what a Calypso is. Calypso. Oh, shit. That's someone else. That's a Greek god. Oh, they changed them now, have they? I can't share them now. That looks like part of what it'd do. It was in the cartons. Euro Shopper chocolate? Do you know Euro Shopper? No. Different world, innit? This is funny, because I was talking to Isaac HP once. Yeah. and he had some he went to the shop and came back with some stuff it's like all stuff I've never had before right can you remember what it was it was like 50p energy what's that stuff yeah that's your shopper energy drink 50p energy is that the same stuff yeah I've never had one of those no but he was like oh we I drink like my whole childhood yeah drinking these going to the shops after school like I'll be having one of those so if you go into a corner shop and you want a few snacks yeah yeah are you picking up like the three piece Ferrero Rocher no what are you getting okay well I'm going in there if I'm having a chocolate bar it's definitely a Yorkie raisin and biscuit oh those are so underrated they're so delicious I have got a pack of 24 of them through there you're very sexy yeah I know I know obviously sour cream Pringles going straight in although like if you're an actual person of taste you will understand how good the sweet chili and sour cream kettle chips are those are delicious never never heard of them they don't do them in this country but in Singapore more peanut butter m &ms not peanut peanut the red packet yeah red packet yeah they do them in this country i don't think so yeah i don't think so those used to absolutely are you a meal deal man uh yeah i mean the most hate i've ever got in my whole career is probably for my choice of meal deal what is it um poke bowls rainbow salmon poke bowl uh pineapple chunks sparkling water sparkling water and that is actually true well that is what i get the water's the worst part of it other than that i think fee was probably thinking that's a great yeah she'd love that she'd love that i get you know you get chat for choosing the five pound 50 meal deal and then you get chat for not making the most picking something unflavored for your drink yeah i think you have to go innocent smoothie because that really just adds value to the to the overall meal yeah but i you know that is a that is a working class mindset you're looking how can i possibly extract as much value from this meal deal as possible whereas i'm thinking how can i enjoy this meal deal okay this has been fun rufus thanks for coming on mate is that the end of the ending we're not ending just yet i want uh you've got a podcast i was on it yesterday yeah so i don't know when ours our episodes your episodes yeah radio roof is probably out before this i think i was coming out in three wednesdays time i think oh is it yeah this is probably three thursdays time actually or two i don't know it doesn't matter no um our listeners i wonder if there's do you think there's going to be much of a crossover i don't know if there will be much of a crossover no i don't yeah it's not everybody's taste no our stuff like if you've enjoyed this what i've said today then you might like it yeah but like it it's it's i don't think it has general appeal right we well we tell we tell a lot of our guests this we have a reddit page an infamous reddit page where people are a little bit cutthroat on there and every episode has its own forum and people they'll they'll be dissecting this right now yeah put in comments so when we go on we never know what how it's going to go either we do episodes we love and they hate it i think i think people will think that this is a good nice chat yeah but like also that i'm a wanker i don't think those things are mutually exclusive and that's okay i think right right what's the premise of your podcast so our podcast is i based it on traditional radio stations so it's in a radio themed set it looks like the 70s basically um and we cover things that the radio would cover in our own way so we do the news but we pick the most ridiculous news stories the example that always comes to mind is we we've done multiple episodes talking about the uh monkey torture ring right um where they people in the uk are getting indonesians to blend monkeys for 17 pounds a go what in the uk yeah yeah Yeah, so you can fire it off.

1:22:38There's a network of monkey torturers in Indonesia where you can pay 13 quid or whatever it is, and they'll blend up a cheeky chimp for you. Why? Yeah, that is one of the main things we were talking about is why. Still haven't really gotten to the bottom. People are getting off on that stuff. What, they're going up and going, I'm paying this and I want to put this monkey on there. Online. They're watching it online. Well, there's just sort of group chats, very telegram groups and stuff where this footage is being circulated. but basically there are people in indonesia who will accept money and in return for that money you get a video of a monkey being tortured what the fuck exactly that's the sort of news that we're covering so if you like that sort of thing right that's that's what the news is like the sports segment it's always like ridiculous sports like gravy wrestling and stuff like not real yesterday you did women's football women's football yeah uh you know one of those out air sports uh and then and then we play games you know we interact with our viewers and stuff right it's that sort of thing it's a comedy podcast i do want to make that clear we don't it's not just us dunking on women's football every episode i i would now also say um with comedians uh to plug your tour yeah i don't know how many of our lot are going to want to come and see you oh it's got to be more than zero hopefully even if it sells one ticket it's worth it for me to do it all right i'm on tour may 28th is the first date through june um so if you're around then i mean you probably probably are i'm going around the uk and ireland 16 dates um i think a couple are already sold out so unfortunately if you live in glasgow or oxford fuck you guys you can't get a ticket but everywhere else it's still got a few left i think you go norwich no i have been to norwich though it is shit what are you talking about i went to norwich why It's brilliant.

1:24:27Why is it? It's the best place in the world. Where did you go in Norwich? Yeah. Well, I did a, it was back when I used to do uni club nights. What clubs? Do you remember? Oh, it's got, if you can just name some of the main ones, like Mancha. Mercy. I think it begins with a B. It might be what Mancha's called now. Yeah. It might have a new name. Because we've not been to nightclubs in a long time, but Norwich, Pop World, Kudos, Mojos. Bar and Beyond? Bar and Beyond. That was it. And what are you doing on a club night? Well, back then, this is where I've really established what I wanted to do. This was like the first money that I was getting offered as a TikToker.

1:25:04I was still at uni then. So I was basically getting paid to do uni nights out. Which, if you're at uni, is what a deal. So I sort of just decided that I was going to sing the three songs that I knew the words to. And then I would do a bit of, hello shaggers, in the DJ booth and stuff. and then I'd like take photos with everyone and I'd go home. So that was pretty class. What for what the three songs? Well, obviously you've got to do your big hitters. Yeah. So I'm coming out, I'm rapping all of Empire State of Mind minus the two racial slurs. I would leave those out for the good of the people. And then Viva La Vida, I sing Viva La Vida.

1:25:42Yeah, it's a banger. And then Pompeii, finish it off. Really? Yeah, that was my three. So what did you do in Norwich other than go to the club? Oh, nothing. So you can't judge Norwich. No, no. Also Bar and Beyond to us as known as like, that's the place where the cougars go. So I thought you'd love that. Oh, it was full of kids when I was there. Yeah, because they've gone to see you. Very disappointing. Yeah. Yeah. How do you... No, no, I saw absolutely none of Norwich. I went straight from Holiday Inn to Barnaby on and back and then I left. So you've judged Norwich there for no reason. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

1:26:10Yeah, yeah. Very unfair. Quickly want to touch on your songs that you do. Yes, yeah, yeah. They're very funny. Thank you. What's your favourite one you've written? I am like a wordplay nerd fundamentally. So like I would unfortunately and he picked one of my raps. Yeah, go on. Yeah, I made a parody of Empire State of Mind, actually, about Harry Potter. If I released it when millennials ruled the world, that would be one of the biggest YouTube videos of all time. Yeah, yeah. I'd have 100 mil views. That ship, the parody sort of ship has sailed a little bit. I don't think the parody ship has sailed, but the Harry Potter ship sailed a little bit.

1:26:44Right. But, yeah, it's Hogwarts State of Mind. You can look it up. The wordplay is very good. It's good stuff. It really is. Rufus, it's been fun having you on, mate. I've had such a great time. Thank you so much, mate. Do you shake hands at every episode? No, but we do. We do. It feels official. I think we did with William Hansen, and we probably did with Max Foch when he was first on. So there we go. We finish with the same question. It's been Jack Makes Happy Hour podcast, but Rufus Rice, we want to know what is the meaning of life. Okay. I think the meaning of life is shag as much as you can whilst dodging all the STDs, right?

1:27:22That's the ultimate. goal, I think, in this life, at least for me right now. How many people have you shagged? Oh, it's upwards of, let's say, four.

1:27:34See you in a few days. I'm currently clap-free. I'm happy to report. What a place to end there. There's one clap. Oh, that's funny. I cannot work you out. I love it.

1:27:53Jack Mates happy hour.

1:28:19I'll get you home. Heart of the Beast. Colleen Theater, September 25th. Rated PG-13. Maybe inappropriate for children under 13. Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu. And the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app.