637 - Planning Jaack’s DREAM Birthday!

29:25Nice. So you've got a nice 33 today fortnight card. So the people who are just listening to this, I guess they can switch on now as you're about to show? Yeah, yeah, they can. You just probably just keep listening and imagine it. Because you have made it, right? Yeah. And then I just wrote a nice message for you inside, which says, To Jack, happy birthday to my mate. You're 33 and you look a state. Big buck teeth and a messy mop. 33 could be the time to stop. Living life. Fast and loose. Sit back, relax, enjoy a cruise. I can't believe you're - Enjoy a what? Cruise. A what? Cruise Campo. Oh, a cruise.

30:00You wouldn't want to go on a cruise, would you? Cruise. Well, because I didn't want to say cruise. You can't just change the word to rhyme. Okay. Cruise. I can't believe you're 33. You don't look a day older than Robbie. Happy birthday to my mate. Then Robbie. Give up now. Then Robbie, yeah. Then Robbie. Why then Robbie? No, it's just how you said it didn't rhyme. Do you want to go back? T3. Give up now, it's not too late. Lots of love, Stevie. I like it. I don't think you said lots of love at the end because that made it all fine. Yeah. Why are you doing a poem in the non-poem bit? There wasn't a poem bit.

30:33Robbie did a poem in the song bit. Yeah, that's closer than a card. Yeah. You didn't have to make it rhyme. You're doing too much. Get out of my arm. El Glaze, bro. Fiona put in the note. He doesn't like it. I'll tell you why. Fiona put in the note. Because he's not winning. That one stuck. He's not winning. He's a goofy buck team. Come and then get away. No. Fiona put in the group the notes from the birthday. I didn't do the birthday one last year because it was for me. You both did a song for me and then you both wrote a poem for me. Right. Separate thing. So I thought that's what we had to do.

31:08Okay. Well, it's all right. It's good. I like it. You're both actually smashing it. And so far, this episode's been brilliant. You're all on form. Alfie, are you continuing it? I'm going to be honest with you right now because I respect you so much. Okay, bless him. I had the card with the monster. What? In Waitrose. Oh, you tried to buy him one on the way? Yes. Did they ID you for the card? I swear on my life, it was three pounds, and I had this whole bit where they didn't have birthday cards, so I got you a Valentine's card. I was going, ha ha, you got the wrong card. I got ID'd. I said, just leave the card.

31:43Why didn't you just get the card then? Because she was pissing about with the thing, like trying to take the monster off and then leaving the card. And I was like, you know what? You got in the mood, didn't you? Like, fuck you. Yeah, right. I can tell you what I would have written. Yeah, go on. Tell me what you would have written. Happy birthday. What, real life? Yeah. Well, genuinely, real life would be something like... What's so funny? No, go on. I'm ready. I'm so ready. Dear Jack, happy birthday, mate. 33, wow. Where's all the time gone? Have a brilliant day. Lots of love. Alf. Kiss. Okay So normal Yeah I thought you were going to do something funny You've just done a whole song about him dying How have you followed it up with Have a Nice Mercy?

32:28Most of the time spent on the prep has gone into the song Okay And it worked, it worked really well Well, I think I'm going to go for Robbie's card if that's alright I think it's direct, it's to the point Less words probably means there's some money in there Is there money in there? Yeah, yeah I had 15 Did you? I'll keep it, yeah There was none in mine Okay. Robbie knocks. You just hold this button. Do you? Yeah. It's all different now. I can't get used to this. This is honestly amazing. Let's go back to a landline. It is honestly amazing. Jack's just upgraded his phone from an iPhone 14 to the newest one because his other one smashed.

33:08It's only like three later. He is having so many problems with this phone. He cannot use it. I was slagging it off on the way up there. I just couldn't go on. Whatever your age, mate. Yeah, I know. It was going, why did he update things when they were already working perfectly? I don't speak from my chest. I speak from my head. Sorry. Why do I update things? That's what he was doing. A whinge. Right. So we've got the cards. All great. Alfie's quite boring. That was nice, though. What goes with the card? Presents. Gift. Let Alf go first this time. I'll be honest. I have got you something. What?

33:41Did it come with a monster? You couldn't buy it? No. I got it yesterday. It is quite shit. I just got it out of my bathroom. Oh, you've actually physically, you didn't actually have to get... Yeah, it just said bonus points for bringing something in. It did say bonus points for bringing something in. Yeah, but that was a joke. That was like a, ha-ha, actually get... Do you think I'd plan this and make you actually buy me a gift? Well, you're going to hate it. A little bit. Yeah, because the thing actually says, buy me a gift in brackets, imaginary, bracket, bracket, bonus points for real. You say in brackets, imaginary.

34:09That is like Alfie does not say imaginary when I read it. What? Read what it says. Imaginary. Yeah. What? What do you think I'm reading? Buy me a gift of imaginary bonus points for real. Yeah, so I thought I'd get bonus points. You're going to hate it. It's literally just some floss.

34:32Just an official gag for the audio listeners. Can I floss now? Yeah, please. What with Ali's dressing gown rope. Yeah. She ain't going to watch this. I've had an all-you-can-eat Chinese. You want that over this? No. Yeah, you're back in check. So that's not even, you're not letting him do that. You're annoying because I tried to do a visual gag. It's a visual gag, mate. You need to decide whether you like me or not. I love you. I love visual gags. More. Yeah, that's good. I like it. Let Robbie go because mine fits into my day. Robbie, what you got for me, mate? Okay, we're back on the Jesus stuff now.

35:08Just so you know. So just forget that last bit. Right, a gift. you what have you got into a little bit recently or said you were but probably aren't okay as well as that you said you quite fancy the idea of getting into wine yeah what did jesus do he turned water into wine yeah i'm gonna turn all your water into wine by replacing the plumbing to provide what wine in everything in my gaff what if he's showering your gaff taps wine shower wine flush the toilet red wine so you can't see the feces it's usually red in there anyway my diet honestly so much blood sometimes are you talking poo again? right bloody poo why are you pooing in the shower though?

35:56in the toilet bowl oh right sorry yeah yeah definitely that one a few things yeah first thing thanks you're welcome second thing what about if I just want some water? what happens now if you just want some wine you go to the shop so i've got to go to the shop for water what about if i want to have you just like everything else just deliver it mate you need to deliver a shower have you ever delivered water yeah fucking loads mate just one bottle i don't drink tap water i'm tory mate so why are you bothered about the water the taps then what are you talking about that didn't last long i heard i i i'll get called out for this i fell down a conspiracy theory rabbit hole once where they said you shouldn't drink tap water because the chemicals in it get a water filter is it not better for you

36:49just like that's where i draw the line yeah that's what i was kind of thinking as well like yeah but um i know i told this on the pod some youtuber that we both know yeah it's been in my head as well. Massive. So I only have bottled water. So yeah, okay. What about if I need to wash my hands, Robbie? The taps provide white wine so that will sort of work a bit. They'll be a bit sticky. Vinegary. And smell, the smell. Oh, they're good wine. They don't be vinegary, it's good wine. Is it? Yeah, good stuff. Right. Yeah, but you smell like... How would I... I'd bath. I'd come out looking like bloody Dale Winton or something.

37:25You'd be sticky. You would be sticky. Yeah. But imagine if you're in the bath and you think I've got some... I'm going to do it for some wine. Yeah. Does it heat up the water still? Is it cold? Yeah, hot wine. Oh, grue vine, like in the mountains. Yeah. Or what they have at Crimbo. Mould wine. Mould wine, yes. That's how the hot taps. Right, I'll mull that over. Oh, that's a good. Thank you. Well done. My presents fit into the day. They kind of go along with the day I've planned for you. Right, so once we pick the present, we're going to move on to designing my best day. Yeah, but also I've actually got you these presents with me, not imaginary, because I'd bought these to give you on your birthday anyway.

38:07Okay. So I've now wormed them into the day. So we're just going to sit here and have you give him nice presents after I've done the dressing gown. Yeah, I've actually bought him genuinely nice presents. Just to manage expectations. Do you want us to react in like a normal way? You don't need to react. Well, it's just, yeah, I was just going to give them to him on his birthday. Mate, the other day he said that he had us a good gift from Tenerife and he got us a Sian Park fucking hat flap. Well, the reason I was going to get you a shit present, because you moaned at that, I've actually gone really nice on these.

38:34Okay. Genuinely. Football shorts. I don't want nice stuff. Yeah, I want to see you react to nice gifts on the pod. That's going to be horrible. Shall I do my best? Yeah, because I know how uncomfortable it'll be as well. I think if I gave them to you in person, you'd be nice about it, but it is awkward. All right, how much did you spend? Four grand? No, you said I had to spend at least 50 quid after the Cyan Park thing. Oh, God. I don't remember that. That was what you said, so I had no choice. Okay. You always have a choice. I have a choice. I didn't buy you. Okay, so the next question was birthday plans.

39:08What are we doing in the day, yeah? Oh, am I not getting the proceeds now? They go along with the day, so I'll give them to you along with the day. What are we doing in the day? So, obviously, what we know about you is that you love a festival. Yeah. So I've planned a day festival all about you. good yeah yeah so move over glastonbury it's time for jacksonburyst edmund's okay because you don't want to travel anywhere you don't want to travel anywhere do you famously travel all and you hate it and you whinge constantly so i've gone let's go close to your house berries quite fast an hour away it's not very convenient it's not a nice easy road latitude is closer and i don't go to that but you do go to Glastonbury exactly so it don't matter if it's close to my house does it Steve is my point is this just one day as well going all that way for one day all that way we come here my dad lives closer to me than that and I don't go see him how terrible I drove us three hours here today it is hot in here it is boiling right go on I genuinely thought you were pointing up to the sky then I was like has his dad passed away yeah and that's why he said I genuinely thought you were doing that then I was like fucking hell I missed that memo I don't want to do this anymore it's awkward now isn't it no go on Jackson Berridge and Edmunds we can just call it Jackson carry on with this now did you have something left over from the time we had Dream Festivals and you were just trying to crambe out into this air no I bought him a present when I was in Venice the other day for his birthday so you're off no you're in Venice not for his birthday you're in Venice for your wife's birthday and you've gone sorry I know we've got 24 hours in Venice I'm going to fuck off and buy some shit for Jack.

40:49I didn't plan. I bought something for myself and also got him something. All right. Hello, trip to Venice. Why would I be in Venice and go, I'm going to buy Jack a trip here? Because you think this is nice. Jack would like it. Yeah. If it's worse than that. Yeah. Well, now I don't want to give it to you at all. It's not a fucking trip to Venice, is it? Give me one second. I'm so looking forward to this being actually nice and you going, oh, thanks, mate. No, that's actually really nice. Yeah, this is so uncomfortable now. I don't want to do it. I actually don't want to be here. Hello. one of my friends has bought me a gift from Venice and it's going to be really expensive.

41:22No, it doesn't say that. What do you think it will be? Oh, how exciting. Venice is known for some pretty unique and luxurious gifts. It could be something like a beautiful Marano glass piece, maybe a delicate Venetian mask, or even some high-quality Venetian leather goods. It could also be something like a fine bottle of Venetian wine or a piece of artisanal jewellery. Jewellery? Do you think it'll be jewellery? Could be. Venice jewellery would be really nice nice chain or something that'd be beautiful cool, none of that alright but as you know at festivals we get mixed weather and when we went to festivals last year we got hit with bad heat didn't we?

42:02big Italian bad heat and what do you like at a festival? to protect you from said heat to protect you from said heat you love a bucket hat so I bought you a bucket hat I hate bucket hats Stevie I look gross in them you wear bucket hats all the time so I bought you the Venezia FC bucket hat has it been worn by a woman by her? so have a nice don't sniff it didn't they do the shirts in there? they do the really cool yeah I wasn't spending 100 quid mate Stevie right so it is nice it is cool but genuinely I don't wear bucket hats you literally if I look at any picture from you at a festival last year.

42:44And you even asked to borrow my Snoopy one last year. Well, let's see how it looks first. It might look really good. Your Snoopy one? Yeah, I've got a Snoopy one. What are you laughing at? You can't. Let's see. I think that's fine. I think that looks really nice. Yeah. Look me in the eyes and say that. No, it does, mate. How big was the fish you got? I bet Fee, in the edit of this, put up all the photos of Jack at festivals last year when he's consistently and constantly in a bucket hat. Do you need to do something with that bit? God, no. That looks so much worse You look like Ollie Burst 2011

43:20Oh my god I regret it Does it look good Robbie? Yeah It looks good The hat looks good The hat looks good It's a nice hat That's what I was saying I stand by what I said Now no more follow up questions Please Thank you That's the end Right I liked it when I saw it I like it less now But I think it's fine I think it's really nice okay thank you the orange really okay um so i got you that and then for what we're doing for the day uh jacksonburyst edmund's is tailored perfectly around you and i love your i know that you your favorite part of a festival are the hours that you get to sit around the campsite the guest it's drugs because you always say you don't want to be over there with the peasants no i say it's too hot at the main stage and at jack's why is it hot there and you're still in in the tent it's too open in it i like some shelter okay so you always complain about being over with a hat that gives you shelter oh yeah and you say you don't want to be with a peasant you want to stay in the guest area um because you say you don't want to ever be with the scum yeah so we're going to get the artists at jacksonbury to come to you and perform outside your tent for you this is how your day He goes.

44:39Yeah, that's too much about me. It's Jackson Green. You can't even talk to your mates. You're just stuck in a tent. You can't dance or anything. If you're there, you have to pretend you're interested if you're not bothered. First of all, one of the best things is just chatting to your mates and listening to the music in the background. That's horrible. Do you know how hot back-to-back sets, hour-long sets, just back-to-back in a tent? No, I've only got three artists for the whole day. So you've got a few gaps in between. That is three hours. Yeah, but you've got... Three hours. Now, you get half an hour set, Then you get a three hour rest to do your drinking and stuff throughout the day.

45:11Then you get an hour set. Then he's got to get back in the tent. No, no. I'm sleeping now. I'll get bored. Around all the other stuff. You never get bored. All right, go on. Who's there? Who's there? First up, opener, we've got Kings of Leon. Great. Love them. Bit loud when I'm right there though, isn't it? Well, I don't actually have any money. So that's just four blokes from Leon restaurant in Stansted Airport. Good. Yeah. Yeah. That was good to see. Thank you. I'm not happy it happened. That was good. Begrudgingly, yes. Second up, Example said I'd do it. As long as Alfie doesn't go. Right. That's fine.

45:45I'm not sure. Could you ask him a question for me when you're there? I like Example. Yeah. I don't need that one-on-one. That would be intense, wouldn't it? Yeah, it'd be going, jump, jump. I'd be like, I can't. I'm in a... And then, all the money went on them, obviously, but then I managed to get the headline act, which leads me on to your final present. This is just a present. I actually bought this about a month ago because it was on sale. I went, I'll get that for Jack for his birthday. You spent that the whole year just planning his birthday. No, I was ordering something for myself and I saw this thing and I went, oh, Jack likes that.

46:19So I'll just order it for him, ready for his birthday whilst it's cheap. All right. Well, how come, you only get me stuff when you order yourself one and you just go plus one on the website. Yeah. Where's my hair transplant come? I'm sure they've been in contact. No, so many times. You're good. You always say that, but you are fine. See the DMs I'm getting at the minute. Really bad? Yeah. Oh, God. We went to Disneyland the other day, and I was on the roller coaster. You should see the hair. Is it bad? You can't say anything. Come on. This is good. This is amazing. Do you want to see the photo?

46:54Yeah. Because that is all you're going to look at. I was really hoping there was a photo. Was it that one? That doesn't look bad at all. Does it not? No. Maybe I knew that and I just want some compliments. Well, Alfie's now touching his hair. Everyone's getting all like... The wet makes mine look bad. Oh, no, that's fine. That's actually... Yeah, I think that's fine, isn't it? Have you AI'd that to go forward? That's a great haircut. That's such an insult. It's such a line. That's a great haircut. That's a huge insult to say you've clearly AI'd it. That looked better, yeah. Alright, next present.

47:30Final part was the headline act. This is just a nice present, but maybe I'll just give it to you off the pod. But the headline act is your second and final present. And this is something you'll probably want to put on ready for their performance. The final act is the Libertines are playing, but because it's quite a low point for them, you have got 2005 Pete Doherty. So I've just got you this nice Libertines t-shirt. That's actually sick. That's a nice t-shirt. That is actually sick. Yeah. Oh, wow. Thank you. That's okay. I told you. I genuinely had this in my house for about two months. That's really cool.

48:01Shall I go and put it on? Yeah. Yeah? With a hat? Yeah, with a hat. You can't take the hat off. The hat's going to look better with that. So, we've done... Did we do GIF from Robbie? I've turned to... You're plumbing into wine. What was yours again? I haven't done mine. You gave him the robe. Yeah, you have done GIF. You've given the floss. Oh, yeah.

48:26Again, you're making me look pretty bad. Yes The hat looks so much better with that I'm not even just saying that It does You do look festively now Yeah I feel like I look like a farmer No Shall I get rid of the little label? God no You do actually look great It does wear actually the team Yeah it does I'm telling you Does it? Yeah I feel like I look like I fucking got an allotment or some shit You are 100 % going to wear that at a festival this summer Sorry, why the fuck is that in? Punt I forgot about that Well don't because I got the key this morning Did you? Yeah They get a key to a field.

49:00I hope no one steals this grass. Well, you've got... He was telling us you wanted to do the allotment with him. That was the original. The original thing was that, yeah. You've agreed to do something you don't want to do again, haven't you? No, then he moved away. Thank God I've moved. I'd be tied into that big time. Every Saturday. You'd be okay for a lot. I really... I've played, Robbie, I've spent eight hours here today playing things. God. Yeah. Right, okay. Thanks for the gifts. That's all right. Alfie. Oh, you've done it. Done it. Forgettable. You got the flop. Really forgettable. Forgettable gag.

49:37Look, behind the camera, this is going to mean nothing to people, but it looks like Jesus Christ, doesn't it? It means nothing to them. It's literally just... Don't bring it up. Yeah, it does a bit. Yeah, small amount. Gifts by Stevie. That's the winner. So, so far, all of you have won a little thing. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's pretty bullshit, though. They just bought nice shit. Yeah, he said bonus points. I actually got you a gift if you wanted, if that's what you devised this for. Do you know what you both have? What? Free will. So you could have gone out and got me, Sam. But I didn't think...

50:07I don't want to. Do you know... It said bonus points. I didn't want to either. But if I'd have known, oh, we're actually just going to get this guy some nice gifts. Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't have just stolen Ali's dressing gown. Absolutely not. But that's your choice. You're the one who wrote a song about him dying. It's not my fault that you've decided to go nasty. I preferred that because more effort went into it if you are going to slag me off do it in a rhyme okay yeah so nice right what am I doing for the day then shall we start with you Alfie we know I'm going to Jacksonbury yeah Pete Dockett is there 2005 Pete Dockett as well nice he's in my tent so what we're doing right is I've I've organised even if it's not on a Saturday your next Saturday league fixture is going to be on your birthday right you'll like this I'd have completely rearranged it for you yeah his birthday is on a Saturday this year My birthday is on a Saturday.

50:56I wish I'd looked that in the calendar because then I wouldn't have had to do that start bit. I've got you, the West Ham media and stats team. They're going to come watch your game. They're going to fit you up with a tracker, right? They're going to film your game, do all your stats, heat maps and everything, pass completed, all the percentages, and they're going to write and do a little bit of punditry on a post-match report. no way are there any players there or is it just my Saturday team well they're playing on the Saturday aren't they but some of the team are coming down they're going to do it for you you're going to have a good game oh they're going to do it at sacks how do you know I'm going to have a good game you can't control that because you always have a good game my brother yeah and then what I was picturing how dry were they by the way dry as a player bone dry bone dry hold on that's because you're wet Robbie this might not make sense to you I'm not sure if you're aware because you weren't on the episodes we did Jack after every game Wait, you know this is my biggest insecurity.

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53:44I put a second after wearing a bucket hat.

53:50Jack, after every game he plays, writes a report about himself in his notes. And doesn't show anybody. So this is why Alfie's now saying, like, you're going to get a proper report. That makes sense now, yeah. You like that, Robbie? Yeah. Read one to him. No, I'm not going to read one, because look, that's a respectful friend there. Do you know what he's just given me for my birthday? Respect. And a little confidence boost. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. It's pathetic, though. Yeah. Do you know what I wrote in there from Sunday? Go on. Do you know what I wrote in there from Sunday? No. Nothing. Why?

54:19Because one had a bad game and two... Oh, no. No, you can't do that. That's shady journalism. That's very shady journalism. That's fake news. That's very one-sided. Yeah. I only put my good... That's the show reel. That's the sizzle reel for me, that. Poor form, that. There's no respect in that whatsoever. You don't post pictures on Instagram when you look ugly. You don't do your match report. Some people do. They're like, look at all this fake stuff on Instagram. Here's me, not tensing. And that's what you need to do to yourself, to inspire yourself. And then you can look back and go, I improved so much.

54:55Yeah. Don't want to write bad things about myself. Got you guys there to do that. Robbie, what are you doing for my birthday? Right. Well, as you may have learned so far, this year you'll become older than Jesus. So I've organized for you a day of beating Jesus at stuff. He's dead though, isn't he? Well, yeah, he is. He set a lot of records though. So what did Jesus do? Jesus walked on water. But did he ever ski on it? We're going to go water skiing. Okay. To start off. But you're there. I'm coming with you. Right, okay, cool. That's a plus. Well, yeah, I'll have to pay the man and stuff at the water ski place.

55:30Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I'll do it. I'll probably just watch you do it. Right, okay. Jesus fed thousands of people with just five loaves of bread and two fish. But you're going to do better than that. I'm giving you a 200 grand Deliveroo credit so you can feed everyone you know only using your phone. They even need fish than that. Where are you getting the money? it doesn't matter does it it's all made up that's a fair point alright as well as the West Ham thing I'm giving you a billion pounds just so you know I'll be dead I'll have an overdose yeah I play so there you go so that's good as well and thirdly Jesus restored sight to someone blind from birth by mixing mud and saliva and putting it on the man's eyes so I'm going to let you spit in Stevie's face now?

56:20Wait, wait. I'll let you do that on mine. That's on my day now. He can't decide to let you do that. That's up to me. I kind of just want to do it now. It's in my day if you want to do it. Imagine if there's a kickback if you just spat in his face now. I feel like you'd let me. Open mouth. Why are you trying to up it? Open mouth when I wank. Sniffing short. Right, let me digest this. So I've got that fucking shit festival. Mate, you get to see Libertine's Pete Doherty, 2005. God, I've got any of that even happening. Kings of Leon. I said sick festival. Terrible. I'm doing drugs with Pete Doherty in a tent.

57:01And Kings of Leon are there, an example. Oh, that's four blokes from a restaurant, mate. That's good, isn't it? Robbie's, I've already forgot. Of skiing on a water. Skiing on a water. 200 grand delivery credit, spit in his face. Right, okay. The first two are that important really I'm really resting all my hopes on the first I really do want to do that And that's gone into mine now You like mine Yeah I do really like yours Because also it's this right You've got the match report And then it's Soccer Saturday Yep we're here What was it What's the place you play at called? Saxlingham Saxlingham's ground Jack Dean's just scored An absolute worldie It's like all of that stuff I scored They're doing a proper Yeah of course you scored He can't decide that you've scored Alright there's a little bit of pressure on you to score, yeah.

57:49More pressure, if anything. There's so many people here. What, who's coming to watch me in the flesh? We've got the media team. It's being filmed and broadcast. Probably some... Is Jake... Dog walkers might be there. Not Jake Humphries. Who does the fucking Sky Sports now? What? Jeff Stellan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That crowd are there. Too much pressure, I wouldn't like it. They're reporting on you. Never scored in a charity game. Too much pressure. Really? Yeah. Yours, I think, is too similar, Stevie. It's too similar to stuff I already do. I go to... I made a better version of it. I don't want them at my tent.

58:22I want that separation. I want that downtime. Well, fuck you then. I love the t-shirt. I hate the hat. I'll keep that then. That cost a lot. How much was that? 50 quid? No, like 25 maybe. Yeah, Venezia is well expensive. That's why I didn't get him the t-shirt. It was 120 euros. I did not need to get me anything. Robbie, I like yours. I think the skiing's just... No, keep it on now. I think the skiing's just for you, though. No, I've never done water skiing. I don't really fancy it. That's why I'm just going to sit at the side and make you do it. I've realised recently I'm not a thrill seeker.

58:55I don't like thrills. He doesn't like adrenaline things. He took me on a roller coaster the other day. I hated it. He was loving it. So I'm going to go for yours, Alfie. Cheers, man. I thought you would. I thought you would, mate. Good luck. Alfie's taken me to places. That's going to be so depressing if you're shit, though. No, because even the running stats will be good. We'll do a few more. We'll do a few more. have I got any guests there? You've told me mine right? Well yeah well you've got those and a lot of effort went into the festival so I kept it really simple. You've got Sydney Sweeney, Margot Robbie and 2005 Pete Dockett who just wouldn't leave Why would I want them?

59:30Why would I want them? They just enjoy festivals too. Do they? Yeah and you seem to mention them a lot. What Sydney Sweeney likes Kings of Leon? Yeah. Why don't you go to a Kings of Leon gig then rather than watching just fall black? She didn't realise. Wait they're going to They're coming to Jackson, Berry, St Edmunds. But it's being shown in Jack's tent, so they'll be all in Jack's tent. They're all there. What? Jack's engaged? Yeah. Why would he want other women in? It's disrespectful. You just mentioned them a lot around me, so I just thought you'd want them there. Yeah, so you're quite a big fan of acting, aren't you?

1:00:01Literally right before we started this episode, you were talking about both. You mentioned both of them, weirdly. I was watching a TikTok, and Margot Robbie came up, and it was about Wuthering Heights, actually. She's a performer. She's an actress. What's your top three Sydney Sweeney films? You're a fan? You do mention it. I like... Hard to choose, isn't it? So many. Let me nail this down. All series. We say all series. Ah, series. Stranger Things. Not in it. Stranger things have happened than me naming three. You could have named four. Oh wow. Cool. Hands-made tale. New one. No, that's not the new one.

1:00:38That was one of her first roles. What? Everyone's been searching up the new scene from it, haven't they? this is all he knows see you're thinking of the housemaid one everyone starts you have the new scene while they wait for their shorts to arrive in the post so you're thinking of the housemaid yes but she was in the handsmaid tale I know that's true that's true why are you doing this pressure on my birthday three I think she's brilliant in Transformers no I've had a stab in the dark there and I've missed it's quite a good guess if like she I don't know Margot Robbie I can name you loads yeah but I didn't ask that Wolf of Wall Street Django she's not in Django not in Django Wolf of Wall Street the home scenes Wolf of Wall Street director's cat you just know specific scenes yeah stop this now yeah I'm not the one asking right but they're there I was just interested they're there with Pete Dockery they're in my tent um I didn't put them in your tent I just said they're there yeah but I'm in my tent so they're at the festival enjoying it the festival's outside So are they in the tent or outside the tent?

1:01:43They won't come in, he's in there with Pete. They don't want to be a part of that. No, I don't think I can go in there. But which one of us is putting them off more? Is it me or Pete Docky? They'll know who Pete Docky is. So you. 2005, they just broke up with Kate Moss. He's a great catch. Come in.

1:02:09It's not even on straight anymore Also You're wearing a t-shirt And Pete Doggedy's face on it You're not going to look like the alpha Marco where are you going? Example's about to start Love kick starts again Right okay That's good Nothing else has been said yet Have I got any guests coming out? Well, I thought I'd do this fun thing and try and... I'd invite some weird characters we've met over the years, but I can only think of two. I thought of that murderer you met at Steam Packet that you tried to be friends with. He's there. And James Pond. Do you remember him from Vegas? Still follow him on Instagram.

1:03:02Us three went to Vegas and we met this guy. from an English guy and we really liked him because his name was James Pond and it kind of sounded like James Pond. Is he the guy that came to me? And he lived with St. Maximum. He could be Alan St. Maximum said Ben. Yeah. What'd you do with that? I got it in a drawer at home. Yeah. That's so weird. Yeah. Fucking hell. It's just them two at the minute. And the murderer. Yeah. Genuinely the murderer. I've never said that on the pod. That was mental that. Do you want to tell it? I think we may have. He always gets me into these like especially when we used to go out drinking together just make friends with fucking everybody and I make friends with nobody and that's how I like it but he's gone up to this old man in Crocs and I just remember him saddling up hello mate what's your story then mate and he went fuck off he was going like fuck off mate fuck off and Jack was like what's wrong with brother what's wrong with brother why and he went leave him alone I'm a terrible person and Jack went mate I've been through so much shit in my life for like, I've done things I'm not proud of, but I can just tell from just looking at you that you're a good person.

1:04:08And without missing a bit, you just went, I killed someone. And Jack went, right. Okay. I had my arm around him still, didn't I? It's literally just been released from prison. Yeah. He stabbed someone, didn't he? Yeah. So he's there, yeah, he's there. James is there. Right, who else? Just them two? I couldn't think of any others. I thought maybe you could think of some. Yeah. If you want them. What are any other weird characters than them two? They're the goats.

1:04:38Did cross my eye. I didn't know if you'd want to name him. Nah. Bleep that one. Go on then, Robbie. Me? So, special guess, eh? Well, Jesus had 12 disciples. Oh, so have I got 12 people? So I've picked just 12 disciples for you. Lovely. Not really. I think you can't really choose your disciples. It's just people. They choose you. They choose you, really. So they've not really got anything to do with anything. So we've got Rory DeLapp, Adam Sandler, the bloke with the long hair who works for the murderers, his name I've forgotten, Luke Pingu, Liam DeLapp, the surviving chuckle brother, Cat Dealy, Scott Mills, Alfie's dad, Justin Timberlake, David Lammy, and Stevie.

1:05:26The only one I don't know on that is David Lammy. He's a foreign secretary. did you do that to make the group a little more eclectic as is my dad i feel like they're tokens let's have a little look back there they're all white men then at the end you've put in david lammy and my dad he's in there she's not a man yeah true true right okay i've made my decision because you've all you've all really smashed out of the park for me there um can i just ask if the guests come are you do you come with the guests are you there as well no busy no well i am i don't really want to go to buryst edmunds it depends where it is yeah no because you're not going to the the thing that he chose for the day is the football oh no i'd definitely i'd definitely go yeah i'd definitely go yeah right because for some reason i was instantly drawn to uh sydney sweeney margot robbie and pete dockett yeah right but that surprises me because Because I'm happily engaged and they've got partners as well.

1:06:26So it's like, I don't want that sexual chemistry to... You wouldn't do it. They'd just be going to watch you play football, mate. You know, they love sexual chemistry, do you? Who do you think that's coming from and getting received by? I think they're going to go, look at that bloke in a bucket hat. I mean, chemistry's not like... Chemistry's like a link, a connection between people. Chemistry's not just a man with a boner looking at his tent. If it is, you've got it in abundance. if it is you're a fucking science teacher chem 99 but like I was saying I didn't want to choose I didn't want to choose them because I wanted to be respectful to Margo's husband she's already been what to be what to be yeah he'd be shitting himself he is I'm not sorry he's had a fucking escape he's lucky yeah so you can do you can do sex scenes with Leonardo DiCaprio but I draw the line at the tent with Jack She's had Jacob Elordi's fingers in her mouth in the new film.

1:07:28She do not need mine there now. No one said you'd get that. She do not need mine there now. Right. Why is it funny everything he says in a bucket hat? He looks a little bit mentally deficient.

1:07:46But I am going to choose that one. Okay, what reason then? Because I clarified, do you go with them? And you said you don't, Stevie. So I was like, perfect, I'll have that one. So, Stevie's really... Because Stevie goes to both of ours. What? Stevie's plays for sacks. No, no. No, he doesn't. He's been to us. Why? Not for me. Were you not scoring and it was annoying? He won't get him picked. Now he pretends he's above the morals of the changement. I did think that. Scored in the last game I played. I really thought that. No, I did. Cheer me on FA. Do you know what I did think? Hold on, no, the goal didn't get disallowed.

1:08:22It was allowed. If you had been playing really well and scoring loads of goals, I do think you definitely would have mentioned that when Jack is doing his match reports. Like, you didn't do my goal then. I've not been for, what, two months? Just let it go. Right. So we, so, yeah, so Sydney Sweeney, Margot Robbie and Pete Dockett, he's coming to watch me play football, watching my heat map and that. What? Yeah. Yeah, because it's your day. And his guests. They're the guests. That's what's happening. Oh, cool. Okay, wow. I'd be so impressed. Right, we'll rattle this one off. I'll have to let Rory's lap down, but that's fine.

1:08:55He's from his dad, anyway. You could have had them at the Sunday meeting. Yeah, I didn't follow that. What's the cake like? Right, so I've gone for a religious-themed cake again. I love religion. It's you on the cross, but you're breaking free, like the wood's splintering off. You're like, ah, I can't be crucified. Symbolic. right? Symbolic. Is it? Yeah. What flavour is it? I'm breaking free of the shackles of this, the confines of this podcast. Yeah. I'm leaving you guys behind. What? Where are you going? I'm out in the world now. Jesus. Is that because you started that? Your dance pod, yeah.

1:09:36He's done dance pod now. That's any better and you're going to stop this pod. Definitely not. No, I'm like, you're telling me I'm the son of God now. So I'll be honest, I love you guys, all three of you, but if I was Jesus, you'd be gone. I'm not saying you're Jesus, I'm saying you're going to live longer than Jesus if you get to May. What, 32 billion years old or however old he was? What? He didn't die at 32 billion years old. What? He died when he was 33. That's what my whole day's been about. Also, Jack, before Christ means when was Jesus born? Yeah, 2 ,000 years ago. So he's born there and then you can get one before Christ.

1:10:13So he's 1 ,999 at least. Where's this billions come from then? Yeah, I didn't mean billions. in like he's one thousand i don't know religion on a quick one you do on a quick quick whilst alf just mentioned that you're doing this darts pod now did anyone else get this mental dm yesterday from someone this person doesn't even follow me i meant to send it to you but i thought it was funny i'd say on here hey just wondered if you could do me a favor please tell jack he's a sellout when you see him i did next for taking up the darts podcast happy hour is his bread and butter and should be putting 110 into that shame on you for allowing this to happen he's trolling you He's called like weed supply or something like that, isn't he?

1:10:51He doesn't even follow me. Yeah, he's trolling you, Steve. UK strain hunter. Yeah, exactly. What's that got to do with weed? Strain of weed. He's hunting down different strains of weed. Is that what you take out of that? Is it? That is what that is, yeah. You know drugs. He's a twat. He's just a fucking troll. He commented, can't believe you're stopping Happy after this. And I replied going, I'm certainly not. That's cute. I'm certainly not. And then he put back, like, yes, you are, you melt, or something like that. I was like, oh, he's still alive. Why did you block him? Why has he messaged us both?

1:11:24He was a cunt to me, straight red. Really? Yeah. Simon Hooper, I love it. What cunt messages are you getting? Don't get many, because I run a tight fucking ship. Someone's a cunt. Word spreads around the cunts. I get launched straight away. Right, okay, I like that. Yeah. So that's the cake there. Your cake? I'll be honest, I thought you'd love Jacksonbury. I don't dislike it. And I kind of assumed you wouldn't want to eat a cake at a festival. Because I've probably already had the hot dog. So no cake? Well, I just kind of thought he wouldn't really want food. I've had so many messy fries. Why would he not have food?

1:11:59I just didn't think he'd be hungry. Honestly, there's so many. Just all the food stores. I've had so many beers. Pull pork roll? Full up. What have you got for me? My cake's got ketamine in it. Yeah, we don't need some of our feats, do we? You don't like cat I do I do Yeah Really got into it recently What's your cake, Alfin? How do you do, cat? I don't know But I think it might be similar to cocaine Because I remember seeing a video on the internet Where a guy who worked at a hotel Had done some drugs that he found in the hotel Some guy worked there That he thought was cocaine But it wasn't, it was cat And he was in the K-hole on someone's bed Wow Do you know how to do cocaine, Jack?

1:12:42Let a stripper blow up your ass. What was that? Let a stripper blow up your ass. Is that how you do it? I don't think she's a stripper. I think she's Hollywood actress. What, every time? So all them... I think she's a stripper. I think she's feet. Does it work up the bum? Yeah, have you not seen Wolf of Wall Street? It's the first scene, mate. Arse. I got that bit. The logistics. Alfie, what's my cake saying?

1:13:18She's blowing it up your ass No keep that in That's so true That's why I didn't get it That's why Stevie said it works up the bum Yeah he's snorting it off of her bum He's not blowing it up the ass I'm pretty sure he's blowing it up her ass Can you blow coke up the ass Right sorry this is going to piss people off but I'm asking him again. Hello, mate. Hello, just wondering, is it possible to blow cocaine up her stripper's arse? I'm here to help with positive and respectful conversations. If you have any other questions or need support... Okay, let me rephrase that. Would a lady... Would a lady of the night get high if you orally inserted cocaine into her anus?

1:14:08I'm here to keep the conversation safe and respectful. Can a whore do coke in the arse? I'm here to provide. It's like a broken record. He's not any fun, is he? Get Grok on his cunt. We're all with the idea that he's snorting it off her bum. Crack from crack. I genuinely believe that he's blowing it up her arsehole. You talk about your cake. I'll Google without him saying I'm only here. I'm not bothered about the answer. Is anyone else not bothered about the answer? Yours, right. This is not a cake as such. It's a cake-sized, huge, massive McDonald's chicken nugget taken straight from the fryer and popped on a plate, carved with a kitchen knife into cake slices, savoury cake.

1:14:56That's quite good. I'm so hungry now. Isn't that so nice? Like a pie and it's put on you. You really are playing into my likes. How have you started with a song about him dying to then go just really nice? Yeah. Is there any chance that, because it's my birthday, and I don't ask this often, I can have two of the cakes and two people can win? Yes. It's a podcast, mate. You're going to do it. I'll have that then. Right. I'm going to choose Robbie's Ketamine Cake that may or may not have Ketamine in it. We don't know. And... But I noticed that wasn't the thing I sold it on. So... I'll give a fuck what's on top.

1:15:33What flavour is the cake? Okay. Also, according to the San Francisco AIDS Foundation... It's mental, because they both said they didn't care and you're still doing it. How to booty bump better. There you go. And it says booty bumping involves mixing drugs, usually meth or cocaine, with water and squirting it into your butt through a syringe. There you go. Now you know. Who's telling you about that? SanFranciscoAIDSFoundation.org? Probably not. They're trying to give people AIDS. Yeah, that's not it. No, maybe the syringe is safe or something. Oh, right, okay. Oh, fuck knows. Now we know about booty bumping.

1:16:09Don't try that at home. Okay, right, finally. Oh, and the other winner is Alfie's massive chicken nugget. Yeah, that's so nice. I'd have given it just to that. Nice, isn't it? I really want to try that. Do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I do. We'll do the last question. We'll do the last question. I want to know what makes my 33rd birthday so special. Apart from, obviously, Pete Docky in my tent. Yeah. To be completely honest, I literally just wrote the fact that you've made it this far should be enough.

1:16:41That's all I wrote. Similar gag to Alfie's song? But I wrote it before he came in with a song. It's not quite as good as the whole song. What makes my birthday so special, Alfie? Can I be honest with you? I did not understand this question at all. Why? I don't understand what you're asking. What makes it so special? Like you could say, oh, we brought in a dancing chimpanzee. Oh, I thought you meant, why is 33 so special? That's how I took it. Like a special number. Yeah, that's exactly how I took it. And I was like, I have no idea. What have you answered for it, Robin? You get to spit in Stevie's face.

1:17:16We'll have that. We'll have that. We'll have that. Right. Spit. That's all you wrote. Do you want to hear the day that my three best friends have invented for me? Yeah. Have planned for me. This is the official Jack Meets 33rd birthday itinerary. So I wake up in the morning and Alfie's there by my bed. Handjob. What? I'm sorry. I thought that was going to go. You're singing Birthday Queen. As in you're giving me a handjob, yeah? Whilst you sing Birthday Queen. You don't want that. Do I not? Do you? I'd rather you give me one than I give you one. If that's the two options. I think there'd be a bit of pressure.

1:17:58What do you mean? I think you'd crumble under the pressure. I'd be like, what are you doing there, mate? I'd rather you give me one with them big, beautiful hands. How would your penis feel about that? You famously say my hands are really wet. Exactly.

1:18:19Clam me up. Okay, that's the morning. That was weird. So Jack's wanking Alfie off whilst Alfie sings Birthday Queen. Yeah, it'll hit the high notes. Then I've got the card by Robbie. Good. Do you want to explain what it says again? Sorry about teeth, wasn't it? Yeah. I've got a lovely gift unwrapped from Stevie. I've got this lovely Pete Dockery Libertines T-shirt and I've got a Venezia hat, which is brilliant, just does not suit me. Then Alfie's going to take my hand. Well, hopefully not. Other hand. And drag me down to Norfolk, where I'm going to play football. And there's going to be all the pundits.

1:18:59Micah Richards is probably going to be there. Love it. Roy Keane. Yeah, and Stats guys and girls. Statman Dave. Yeah, I actually had that written down. Did you? I thought, is that too niche? It's not. Yeah, okay. And they're going to be tracking my heat map and do a map report and report it on Sky. But not only that, in the stands, I spot at half time. Who's that come to watch me? Sydney Sweeney, Marco Robbie, and Pete Doherty. With no sexual chemistry. Well, it's my day. no Stevie then Robbie turns up at full time and he has a cake for me it's a big big cake flavourless isn't it cat you've just said the word cat and then I know what you want and then Alfie turns up with a massive chicken nugget which is fucking brilliant and me you Robbie Margot Sydney and Pete all just gnaw at it from each side do you reckon I can make this cake do you reckon I can make this cake this massive chicken nugget yeah It's feasible That's a video Not a video It's for here I'll just try and make it one day And I'll just bring in A massive chicken nugget cake If I can do it Yep Is it going to be What's going to be in it though?

1:20:03Chicken Chicken Yeah do it Yeah What did you say? Care Cake Cake No chicken I was just thinking Can I make a massive chicken nugget That we can cut up like a cake I think it would be amazing Yeah If you can make that happen Do it Okay Yeah We'll try Yeah And then finally Despite all of my best efforts Stevie does turn up at the pit at the game. I tell him about how it's gone, scored three goals, hand-job from Alfie. Again? No, mate. No, he gave you one earlier. And I spit into Stevie's face. Malfoba. Covered in gob, and I've had the best birthday of my life. Thanks, boys. Happy birthday, Jack.

1:20:40Thank you. I enjoyed that. Honestly, you can have the hat back, though. This has been Jack Makes Happy Hour podcast with the bloody foreskins. First one of the year. We'll see you soon. And we'll be back. What are we doing next time? we're gonna go over our school memories you've brought your school reports in haven't you have you Robbie? Yep ho ho ho written hieroglyphics so I can see your brain going yeah I was trying to think of like quill yeah yeah see you then new phone oh shit

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