639 - School Stories We Shouldn’t Tell… (Stevie’s Secret Job, Wildest Rumours, & EXPELLED For No Reason!)

30:50I think that would do it to me as well. Well, like here. So this is in the summer of 1990. I was 45th out of 113 in English. 11th out of 114 at geography. Fuck me. Hang on, mate. History. What? 7th out of 57 Maths 3rd out of 114 You're a genius No wonder you're a mentor In English here Year 1 It says 4th Wow That's out of not as many It just says 64 % 11.9 Does that mean You're 11. September Or you're 9 tenths Of the way through the year Don't know Right I love that Robbie Well Robbie's a quiet lad But he's coped admirably With his first year here Both the exam results And the comments Do him credit I have found him a pleasant, involved and reliable member of the form.

31:34From Mr Morton. You were a lovely kid and I just know you were. No detentions. At the back, a couple before the back, it actually gives you your master's report, which gives you your final position, not just for a specific, but for the whole year. Fifth out of 14. Although the content of his work is usually satisfactory, he does not appear to have put the same level of personal interest and application into various subjects this term. Oh, he fell off, bro. Yeah. On this one, you came 18th out of 19th in an English exam. That's shit, isn't it? Yeah. And literally the teachers just wrote bit shit.

32:07This here is an activity. It just says woodwork.

32:14Robbie, 15th out of 17th here in maths. You fell off, bro. No, no, I'm not falling off. This is my origin story. Oh, yeah, this is year one. Yeah, you go here to like 1990. Yeah, compare maths. Give me maths. Summer 1990, that's maths third out of 114. Wow, that's a huge improvement. This one, you're 16th out of 19th in geography, which you were then flexing your fucking mark. Seven out of 57. And it says, this result was slightly disappointing. I feel that Robbie has the ability, but his work is spoiled by carelessness much of the time. And then that's what happened. I became like the ledge I am today.

32:50Careful. His quiet and industrious temperament gives excellent results, both in the classroom and under examination conditions. Fucking hell, Robbie. You're good at it. You're getting better. There we go. Yeah. Three out of 19. Wow. Science. What's that in? Science. Science. What a delight for a young man. Yep. I bet you were so polite and maybe a bit shy. Very shy. Very polite. I just imagine you as a 10-year-old still having a tash. Yep. There's not one world where you don't have a tash at any age. No, fair. Yes. Funny that, isn't it? I'm picturing a little tash. Yeah. imagine him as a baby big tash it's Harlow with a tash yeah oh that was fun that was fun where are we going now Stevie well so we wrote out some questions that we could all have a little chat about the first one you wrote in was who was your favourite teacher do you have any memories of a specific teacher that treated you well Mr Beckett yeah yeah ICT teacher looked a little bit sorry if this gets to you I think back then you looked a little bit like Peter Griffin he's now really good at dance Peter Griffin is?

33:58No, he was really nice. I used to be a bit of a naughty boy in the last few years. And I would leave my classroom when I didn't want to do it and just go in the computer room. And he would be like, come on, just sit there. He'd make sure I did computer work, not just play copter with a proxy. But he would let me go in there when I didn't want to do other stuff. Nice. Sounds like a lovely man. Shout out to him. What year was that? I remember I had a teacher called Mr. B***h. And he was 80. He had to be 80. No, he's probably 70. But he had really massive hands. And the rumour around the school is that he...

34:33Had a big cock.

34:37The rumour around the school is that he'd fingered a few girls in our class. Oh, so it's worse than what Robbie said. Yeah, shut up. I'm trying to clean it up. What year was this? Last year of high school. Why are you bringing this up? Because he probably didn't. And now his family generation's going to be listening to this. No, clearly he didn't. He was respected amongst his peers, but not by us. Why are you doing this, peers? You're doing the weird hands stuff. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. You're making it weird. I just think I... Kids are cruel. True, they are. He's trying to do like a lesson.

35:10He's trying to chair back with us. Hey, kids, just so you know. Listen to today's show. But I was convinced back then. Because whenever he would do the lesson and gesticulate, I used to look at them hands and think, fuck me, they are weapons. Maybe bleep out his name. All right, his name's Bates. He'll be dead now. Yeah, but again, he's got a family. That's not a positive story, is it? No, he wasn't my favourite either. I hope not. Did you have a favourite? One that stuck out for me was like a sixth form teacher, Mr. Picton. My music tech teacher, just top. Really nice guy. spoke to you on a level didn't patronize you oh yeah really good guy i remember one time someone had been like one of my mates had we had this really scary head teacher and one of my mates had come in late to the lesson or something like that and the head came in and went mr pickton did he come in late today and he said no oh and i always think that was really cool yeah he did that and then we did we I feel like we misbehaved is he being a little bit is Picton being pick me not at all no he genuinely was not pick me at all I know what you mean he was like an older teacher as well he wasn't like a trying to be cool or anything I imagined him younger like he was trying to get down with you no not at all no he was just himself very authentic man really liked him actually I really did make an impact yeah I really liked him and if you say anything bad about him I'm gonna get really cross right but you were allowed to talk about Robbie's teacher a few months ago.

36:47Interesting that. I might say a few things. I'm not going out for pints at spoons at 1am with Picky Bill, am I? You would though, wouldn't you? It's only because you don't know where he lives. Do you know what your worries are behind you? He would never ask me because it's highly inappropriate. How is it? I'm joking. I'm winding you all up. What size did your old teacher's hands have? How big were his hands? In inches. I've seen him carving me at Robbie's. You met him? What do you not know about me? that's why you've changed your team I was like surely you're loving all this nonce teacher stuff you've met him and it's real I've got right so the listeners can't call us out for doing stories now because you've not heard this yeah they will but the listeners and Stevie are in on this this is mental picture the scene I'm at Robbie's it's Christmas do you remember what I said about him one of the things was that he is always into lower league football yeah yeah yeah yeah he's carving the meat we start talking he says i used to play i said ah i said how old are you if you don't mind me asking he said his age he said i used to play hockey till i was 50 i said that's really good to hear because i'm 32 now and i'm gutted that my football day and he went oh who'd you pay for and i went our saturday team and a sunday team and he went all right he said i've seen a lot of the saturday teams he went i watched this swear to god this are true he went i watched his team the other week he was like nasty nasty bunch saxlingham they were called i went what and then he went and walked off at halftime mouthing it off to the ref file horrible it was you and i went i was playing i got a red card in that game it was specifically you was it that one you were telling us about christmas he was at the game he was there that's how into lower league football is he's watching that wow he was there that is fucking insane yeah yeah i went mate that was me and then he kind of like obviously worried that he offended me and he was going oh well i don't know the full context of what happened and that was going to worry mate that solidifies to me i was right you were in the wrong in that situation and there's an independent witness yeah he was a teacher for many years and he had to oh wow yeah that's why he's changed his tune yeah was he a nice bloke no no no oh right where were we i've got a favorite teacher we know robbie's yeah surely he is no no probably not that's harsh i don't know what have you done with your favorite i have loads of good teachers i think uh mr mortimer who's my formed teacher in that report there he was good i remember him really committing to a joke once which i really admired he was he was telling us some it was some story that we had to do either writing or something like that for but he was basically doing it in the form of a story and it was all about some guy in america and this went on for like a 40 minute lesson he was telling the story about how they tried to put someone in an electric chair.

39:37It was some guy. He was the guy who checks the tickets on the bus. Yeah. And he was going through all this sort of stuff, and he'd been sentenced to be executed, and he was going all this sort of thing for his crimes he'd done. They went for ages how they tried to give him the electric chair, but it didn't work, so they went and got more power. This went on for like 40 minutes, and this guy collected the tickets on the bus, and then at the end he goes, I guess the problem is I'm just a bad conductor, like that. And it was like, okay, you've committed to this joke for 40 minutes. That changed your makeup, didn't it?

40:09I'm like, yeah, I respect that. I respect the level of commitment. Yeah. Yeah. But he's trying to impress you there, isn't he? Again. No, he's just doing a funny story. What about this? Is this acceptable, Robbie? Right? Because I remember this happening, and I won't name the teacher, because I don't know if this is acceptable. Okay. There were rumours about him anyway. Do you remember that fad when girls used to... Just what? Girls used to watch that. Tuck the t-shirt into the front of their belts to show their belt buckle. Yeah. Yeah, that, right? So I specifically remember in this teacher's class, he taught geography, right?

40:44And it's, they're always... What geography teachers? Yeah, I think. But, so, when... It's a weird stereotype. Yeah, it's the strangest one. You're a jocky teacher at home, you're a laugh. He came in and he used to speak on a little platform. and then he had like a whiteboard and one of us right I was naughty I'm not bragging about that I'm not flexing I'm a new man now I would never call someone this but I wrote dick on the board with an arrow you're a bad boy so I mean Mac Bean did sorry I don't know why I keep pinning that on me then he walked so that when he walks in he's given the lesson people have a laugh how's he not seeing that because he's not looking at the board straight away right you wouldn't see it If I wrote Dick Behind You one week, and trust me, I might now.

41:34You wouldn't see it straight away. He's come in. Is this acceptable, Robbie? He's talking. We're giggling. Everyone's lapping it up. He turns around, sees it. Instead of being annoyed, he tries to make a little joke. He writes big above it. That happened. I get what he's doing. Wrong crowd. Probably the wrong crowd.

42:00he had a few options in front of him yeah and he's taken as you say like different crowd yeah that's the best thing you can do yeah yeah that's right two children worst thing you can do yeah one of the worst yeah yeah we had a fire drill once this same teacher we all had to run out and when we went back in the class a few of us went in before him and his laptop was left open and I promise you he had Ladbrokes up on it. Oh, okay. Could be worse. Yeah, I was expecting so much worse. Is that bad? He's meant to be teaching English. Yeah. He's got Ladbrokes on it. He's gambling. That stinks of like being a gambling addict actually at work.

42:39Yeah, could be worse. We had another teacher, big lady. She loved... Period of the story. Her personality trait was that she loved cheese and onion crisps. So all the kids would bring one in for her, right? She was like, I love me crisps. I love me crisps. Aww. She was nice. I like that. Really nice. She was nice. And then whenever somebody would gift her a cheese and onion packet, she would go, that's going on the board. And she would go up to the wall and staple it to the wall. So when you went into the classroom, she just had loads of cheese and onion. That sounds like she didn't like cheese and onion because they're the only ones she's not eating.

43:13And she ate them. And then with an empty packet. Oh. That's so nice. That is nice. Yeah. How is that worse than gambling? I'm not. I'm just saying we have another kitchen. Could be worse. No, you did say could be worse. We had a big lady. Loads better. She's really nice and wholesome. She's addicted to... And she's like a... She's friendly. You love Chris. She's addicted to cheese and onion crisps. You love Chris. I know, I rate her. Maybe that's where your love started. Yeah. I bet she was really... I bet you didn't dread going into her lessons. No, never. Never, never, never. I don't think I was in many of those, actually.

43:44Any other teacher stories we've got? My favourite teacher for all the years was probably Mr. Heyman in year seven. he's the one who sent me out of class because i pulled that face at him that you guys laughed at me for a few weeks ago what face the when i was like that we sent you out he sent me out but then he came out and he's like look you know you can't be doing this but i liked him i'm i was such a nerd i liked him so much that i drew him a birthday card what to say sorry no just for his birthday no reason to do it brought that again just that comedian a kitkat or something yeah you brought John Richardson a Kit Kat.

44:16But it's worse. What? You don't know about this? Oh, fuck that story off. How do you not know about this? Do I know about that? Quick story. That's why people bought us Kit Kats on tour. I always wondered why people bought us Kit Kats on tour. He saw John Richardson live. John Richardson had a bit about people buying it, or how much he loves Kit Kats. At the end, he said, you can meet me at the stage door. Between the show finishing and stage door, Stevie ran to the shop and got him a Kit Kat. I like doing nice things. No, that's not. That's about you. That's the most pick-me thing. Yeah. So. No, no, hold on.

44:51You have a picture. Without us, you would be such a Facebook mum. No, hold on. You're very lucky. You already is. Way worse. I don't even use Facebook. And no. That's Facebook mum. He has made that for it. He's on MySpace. I didn't go out of my way to get him a Kit Kat. I went to get a meal deal and I didn't want the chocolate bars. I was like, oh, I'll just get that. What, and you just so happened to get a Kit Kat, the thing that he'd mentioned before. Yeah. And then you thought, Hang on a second. And then this gravitational pull just pulled you towards John Rickson. And then he moved your mouth.

45:17I didn't leave to go, oh, I'm going to go get him a KitKat. I wanted food anyway. And it was a meal deal. Got a free chocolate. I was like, I'll just grab that for him. Did you think he would go, this guy's really nice. What do you do? I was 16. I don't know what I thought. I might actually be seeing him soon. And I will bring that up to him. Oh, don't. He would have 100 % gone. Binned it. He would have binned it. Some guy just fucking bought me a KitKat. He's not eating that. No. He messaged his wife, probably. Some guy just bought me a Kit Kat. It was really weird. Yeah. What's the next question, then?

45:46Sorry, mate. Telling lovely stories about his favourite teacher. What was your favourite lesson? He made him a card. It was worse than that. Why? Go on. Go on. He was a huge Man City fan. So back then I loved football. And I was a big United fan. I drew the full Man City badge on the card for him. drew it perfect. And it was the old Man City badge as well with the eagle, the hard one. The eagle says that you were like that. I like doing nice things for people. None of this surprises me. I like doing nice things for people. But that, again, it's like, did you think you were friends? He put it up on the wall.

46:27I feel like we could just tell the stories about Stevie with no knowledge of them and they'd probably be right. Yeah, you couldn't play Would You Lie to Me. Yeah. You poor thing. How about our worst teachers? Did we have any that made our lives hell i didn't have anyone that made my life hell because i was nice yeah true teachers liked me except one teacher just really pissed me off because she just refused to call me stevie what the only teacher in the whole school miss atherton history teacher just whenever she'd see me she'd always call me steve and i was like that's not even my name you're purposefully you're not saying steve that's why she wouldn't do it yeah but if she'd say steven i'd be like be annoying because no one ever called me that.

47:07But she just, only teacher ever, just would never refuse. Yeah, I said Stevie, refused. I have this vision in my head. I don't know if this is real, but at school, when you get to a certain age and you're like due to leave or whatever, or maybe this was college, I don't know. Can, Kent or Sixth One, can you go and help other students in the other class just for, to be like a teaching assistant without your teaching badges? Maybe. Because I remember there being someone in my school that was literally, I went to school with him. And then one day he was just in other classes helping kids. In the uniform?

47:41Yeah, he's still a pupil. He's still going to that school, but he's not in my class anymore. He's going to help the other. Younger years? Yeah. Like a prefect. Yeah. I imagine you doing that. And taking it way too seriously. Writing your name on the board. Yeah. Well, I did it in sick form, didn't I? When I went into year 13 of animation, my second year of animation, I was also a teaching assistant for year 12s. in animation. One year below? Yeah. You thought you were so above them? No, my teacher asked. She was like, would you want to help me? And I was like, yeah, I will. Did you get paid? Nah.

48:14So what are you doing? What the fuck is the point in that? Because animation wasn't a course. We can have told you that, mate. Animation wasn't a course. He's trying to make tentacle porn. It wasn't a course at any sick form in the UK, I don't think. And then our teacher was a Canadian lady who was studying animation at uni and was like i want to bring it in as a she was our graphic design teacher and she's i want to do it as a sixth form one but i was already in year 12 so as i went into year 13 i took it up as a new course and then to be able to stay the third year to finish my animation course they were like well you're you're finished now technically but if you'd like to stay you can finish that course and also be a teacher you're done but if you want to just stay in elbush you can oh yes please no because i wasn't i wasn't done i wanted to finish the second year of animation because that's what I wanted to go do at uni.

49:02Fucking geek. I wanted to finish my course. Don't look at me, mate. He's doing too much. You're doing too much. I wanted to finish it. You didn't have to do that. There's nothing wrong with being geeky, but there is something wrong with being like knee-key. Yeah, you're knee-key. I wouldn't have been able to go to uni and that's what I wanted to do at uni. Bollocks. Bollocks. You definitely would have. You would have done. Or if they were like, sorry, teaching assistant or you're not going to uni. No, no, it was to finish animation. I've got all the adequate qualifications. yeah but you didn't go to the other class and help him did you no you wanted to go i am better than all of you at this despite only being a year old let me and they try to speak to you at lunch and you're like it's actually mr white no that's not the part it's not that i had to do the t that i couldn't i needed to finish the course i don't the year 13 part of it did you ever tell anyone off for talking and say can you stop talking yeah did you actually if they were not that is Fucking gross.

49:59You're the worst bloke in the world. There's not a close second in the world. In the worst bit of the world. You're in school and you're telling kids to stop talking. That was my job. It wasn't a job. You are. I would have hated you. We would all be talking about you at lunch. You're a wanker. I was all right with that. You're a wanker. You know that guy who's in our year? Yeah, he keeps telling me to shut up. I'm not in that year. I wasn't in that year. Year above. If someone in the year above me had gone, can you stop talking, please? Fuck off. Fuck off. I was so shy at school. I would have gone, fuck off.

50:34You wouldn't have. Not to Mr. White. Could you give detentions and stuff? No, you're in sick form. No one gets detentions in sick form. So where's the line drawn? Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands for the super athletic stuff. Like running gear for cruising up the trail. Woo! And the super athletic-ish stuff. Like fishing gear for chillin' by the creek. Nice cast. Fitness apparel to push for higher reps. You got this. And golf balls priced so you can afford to lose one. Or a few. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it.

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52:22Why wait? Ask your doctor, visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more. Would they respect you when you told them off? I wouldn't tell them off. But what would you say? I'd just be like, let's get on with the work. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's get on with the work. I'd just be like, get on with the work. Wait, wait, wait, stand up there. I'm not standing up. Stand up and I want Alfie to be the petulant student. I'll just do it here. So I'm talking to him. No, because I'm not doing anything. I'm literally just going, let's get on with the work. Would you turn your chair backwards like a cool teacher when you're turning them off?

52:51Yeah. That's what I'd do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, one of those. This is one of the most mental... Hey guys, I get what it's like. I get what it's like. Look, you've been a little bit too noisy today. Would it be like that? I've been where you are. You are where they are. You can't even try to relate to them because you are them. How can you try to relate to them when you are them? You just are the same as them. You're a few months older than them. This explains so much of your psyche. Yeah. Entitle me up. I was just asked to do it. I was asked to do it. I didn't choose to. There is no way they said, and by the way, Stevie, if they are talking, just tell them off.

53:28I didn't tell them off. I said, get on me work. And also, Stevie, right, this is what happens, right, if a teacher asks somebody, like a school kid, to police their own pupils. Alfie, do you mind helping me police the rest of the class? Yeah. Well, oh. There we go. See? I don't know what that question was What do you want me to say? What was that question? You say no What do you mean? He's accepted this Who am I? You! You've given me no backstory I don't know who I am The backstory is the whole story We've just been talking about Are you the teacher? Yeah Ask me and tell me who I am In the thing I didn't know if I was a teacher He did, he's trying to backtrack I don't know who I am still You're you I'm me as a pupil in the class I wouldn't say no I'd say why I would go why right and they say oh I want you to help out the year below though I think I would say yes out of politeness but in my head I'd be like but you wouldn't be telling kids off I'd be like I'm gonna fucking get I've said it about 15 times I didn't tell kids off Stevie telling them to get on with their work because because sometimes my teacher couldn't be there so I was the only one there so I'd have to be like you need to get on with it so piss about like a normal kid piss about let them fuck about no because I'd get in trouble if they wouldn't tell on you would they if they'd not done their work if you're in 1930s Germany you would 100 % have become a Nazi you wouldn't have believed in it you'd have just gone along because you've got a bit of power well done you that's why that's why that's why this is so horrific you'd go along with it mate I'd be dead first day look at me Stanford prison experiment you're punishing them even before you're the guard.

55:14You're in there with them, getting punishment. Doing the register. He's been naughty. We're not stopped talking. That's you. How long's that been, Fee?

55:28I've got one about when I got expelled. Do you want that? What, expelled or suspended? I got expelled. Gone. And that's changed schools? Yeah. School dream gone. Yeah. Please. I can't believe I don't know this. See, this is why you think what I did was weird because you're a bad boy. We were good, well behaved. We think that's mental. So, bit of context, year seven and eight, I was a good boy, quiet, like little ginger lads, like didn't have any friends, got moved up a set, but weirdly, there was naughtier, cooler people in there in 10 and 11. Wanted to impress. Wanted to impress and I've said it before, I'll say it again.

56:01There was a guy in my class called Jordan Southgate. He was the cool guy. Very good at football. Very good at football. Played for Norwich and you know them kind of... I know this person. Yeah, But every school There's a player That's in the academy Of that local city And they're the cool one Wanted to impress him Right So I started being A bit naughty Whatever I remember the first day I was in his class He won't remember this But I leant back on the chair I thought I'd got to be A new man now Try to get him onside early Put a ruler in a fan Fucking hell It shattered everywhere Said non-shatter Did shatter Honestly I was the man From that day on What?

56:36How did Jordan react? You looked mental You were like just Some lunatic Yeah, teachers talking. But... Were you a bit like, oh, fuck? Yeah, at first. And then I saw the reaction of my peers. What was the reaction? What was Jordan's reaction? Fucking hell, like, shit. Like, we're kids. That's cool back then. They were like, no way. Maybe the girls were like... Did you get a better reaction to that or dick on the board? Well, that didn't go down very well. But with the ruler, I think I did a kind of like comical jump. Like, I'm such a buffoon. I'm playing the class clown. And then I went back in for a little bit more.

57:08that kind of vibe that's bad boy shit yeah so that happened and then what'd the teacher do to that? oh hated me but then I thought this is the new me I'm gonna be a little bastard I'm the ruler boy so I'm not gonna put rulers in stuff I was predicted A's in everything I got terrible grades because I just I threw it all the way for the sake of comedy and then I went to comedy that's a strong that sounded quite bread didn't it? I feel like on your diary of a CEO you might have told that story and gone well it worked out for me do you know what I mean like I was actually getting the education that served me now all that fucking shit you put a ruler and a fan you twat no one I mean even then everyone in the room knew I was gonna make it insane I thought you were gonna say I was doing it for the sake of Jordan Southgate but instead just a comedy everyone says they were the class clown fuck I wasn't I fucking was though I was so funny go on then what what other funny stuff you did class clown it Get some context.

58:10What's that led up to the expulsion? There's a time when one of my friends called Kennedy, he's the guy who came up with the name Jack, mate. Nice. He fell off his chair and it went like that. And I went, jeered a bug, like that. Yeah, that's good. That brought the crowd. He laughed and he's a teacher. I laughed. I'm fucking embarrassed about this. And then as he was getting up, he went, you put the boom, boom, magma. and we both just went for it. It was like a scene from Family Guy where it just cuts the music out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so I'm a bad boy. I get bad grades. Jitterbug, bad boy.

58:46I have to retake an exam to get my five GCSEs to go to sixth form. Go to sixth form, I get expelled. Permanently expelled. You know my mate Mark? Yeah. Me and him. Comedy act duo. Okay. What? What did you do? Why did you get expelled though? I can't remember. I think it was a culmination. You must remember. You remember putting a room? You got expelled today for school. You can no longer go to school because you're something so bad. I know you. Oh, no, no. Something nasty. Yeah, you did something nasty to someone. I weren't nasty. Why did you get expelled for that? That's why you wanted to say.

59:18No, no, no, no. No, I never, it was never that I did against another pupil. Guaranteed. No, no, no. I was mouthy, proper mouthy. Thought I was smart. Why'd you get expelled? It takes a lot to get expelled. You must have done something. It was an accumulation of, like, you keep disrupting the class. Can you stop? And I wouldn't. Don't buy it, man. You got suspended first. What they needed was for me to come in and tell you to stop. Mark got suspended first, and I was shortly after. I think I lost passion after he was gone. I remember once. So is it expelled or suspended here? I'm gone for good.

59:51It's a straight red. I had a bulk of loads of warnings. Give us a few of the warnings. I can't remember what they were for, Stevie. Petulance, mate. They can't just be talking in class. Yeah, you're not getting expelled for that. They just put you in isolation if you do that. I saw how hard I could smash a snooker ball. Right, brilliant. Tell us about that. And it went through the window. Right, so you vandalised the building. Accidentally. No, but that, do you know what I mean? What were you throwing it at? What? What were you throwing it at? No, I hit it with a Q, but I made a ramp. So you smashed it.

1:00:22Not accidentally at all then, is it? No, I want to see how I could get it off the table. At a window? Yeah, I'm not proud of this, by the way. You're dragging this information out of me. I'm not flexing it. Mark likes Slipknot. One day... One day... So we're all mad. One day he... I love this story. He had long hair down there, right? And he dyed his hair multicoloured. Blues in it, pinks in it, yellows in it, orange in it. He got a girl that I fancied. And boy, did I fancy this girl, right? Was it love? I thought it was. It's the girl I went vegetarian for a week for to impress. I got my tongue pierced for her.

1:01:00Fuck it now. Not for her. Yeah, that's what you asked me to do, did you? Fuck it now, mate. How old are you? Mark's got this multicoloured hair. We're sat in the six-room common room. I go into a meeting with Dr. Evans, the guy that booted me out, and he goes, you and Mark need to stop it. You're being clowns, right? And I go, I think Mark's really matured in the last few months. He goes, I'm telling you now, he's a clown i go i disagree but fair enough he sends me out i have to sort of tag mark in and get him in and he'd had his hair back home by this girl and i swear this happened and he walked in next with multi-colored side to bob hair literally looking like a clown what a couple weeks after i get booted out he gets booted out i go to city college norwich i'm there about two weeks in it was snowy i was walking through who walks past mark dr evans oh yeah the guy that booted me out he got a new job at the college he said jack fresh start said whatever happened there doesn't happen there wow he went in my block anyway so he had no power couldn't do fuck all the time you already said it all right immediately you went down into a little shell went yeah fine man he could have reported you and just said by the way this kid is a nightmare he didn't know and respect It's a nice boy.

1:02:20I'll tell you a great story. You remember the story about Mark and the English teacher? I love that story. Can I share it with you? Please. It is one of the best. It is the most mature thing I've ever seen a kid do. Yeah. So Mark could have been a little shit, but I've always, since this day, had a lot of morals. A lot of morals. One point, quick one, he was taking his top off in the changing room and the school bully, who was a nutter, punched him in the face, right? When his t-shirt's above his head so he can't see. and he took his top off and he had all blood all running down his nose. Mr. McGibbon, the PE teacher, came in and went, who's done this, Mark?

1:02:54He knew exactly who had done it because there's one cunt in the class and we all get on. He said, if you tell me his name, he'll get excluded. Just say the name. Just say the name. And Mark just turned and looked this bully in the eyes and went, I don't know who did it. A ball hit me. Like that. So that's not the cool story. I think she said the bully. I think she said the bully. How many people has that person now punched and assaulted and given childhood trauma to? Yeah. okay that one didn't go down what about this that is amazing no it's not you don't need to give me that if I've not earned it good story but not good English teacher Miss Chapman I've mentioned her before on the pod feel terrible right I now know as a 32 year old man 33 now fucking hell that she was just doing her job she was quite young at the time right and I was never like nasty but I made noise and asked her to borrow a pen.

1:03:48She'd bring me a pen. She'd get back to the front of the classroom and ask her for another one. And I was just not very nice, right? And I regret it. And if I ever see her, I'd love to apologise to her. Mark was also the same. He gets in an argument with her, right? About two weeks before we're due to go on this big school trip. She goes, do you know the meaning of the word no, Mark? And then he goes, well, if I had a better fucking English teacher, I might, right? She cried, yeah? It's a good line. That is a good line. Mean, smart, isn't he? He's really smart. Yeah, yeah. It's a good line, right?

1:04:15we all rapturous laughter we thought it was the funniest thing we've ever heard she actually cries, leaves the classroom stayed with me, horrible right? not great, horrible then good line, wrong audience yep, yep she has obviously told the head teacher Miss Toppin's come in took Mark out they've had a meeting lunchtime next day Mark comes over he goes can't go on the school trip and we're like no way we're all due to go to Alton Towers like this is going to be the big blowout at the end of the year you gotta go Mark you gotta go he said I can't I can't she won't let me she won't let me a few days before we go Miss Chapman in front of the class goes Mark if you apologise to me I will ask Miss Topman if she'll let you on the school trip we're all like this is the moment he looks at her in the eyes and he goes no and we're like what what the fuck are you playing at he's like I won't do it we're like Mark please just come just please just come and he's like no he's a prick two days go we got on the school trip he's not coming we get back to school after the school trip and he said an hour after you left I said sorry to her and I went what?

1:05:24why? and he went I wanted her to know that I meant it and not just to go on the school trip oh that is lovely that's beautiful very well played I was thinking that's beautiful not great might have turned it around there yeah he really turned it around and that stayed with me that bit that's clever yeah I would have liked it if he then also also went by the way he is a nice guy if he then went And also eat that cunt, punch me in the face. Sorry, boss. Get rid of him. Have we got any more stories to finish the pod on? Did you have any bad teachers, Alf? Yeah, I got bullied by a teacher. No. Bullied by a teacher.

1:05:58Yeah. Which was weird. Looking back, like, she should have been sacked, really. Because it was my food tech teacher. She was called Miss Thomas. She did it to loads of kids. But it got to the point where she was so nasty and snappy that I'd come home. I didn't even know. I don't, this is going to sound mental, but was anxiety even invented back then? Yeah, but we just didn't know. I didn't know. I remember my mate telling me he had it when I was 16 and it's the first time I'd heard of anyone having it. And I was like, oh, I think that I have that loads. Right. But anyway, I was coming home, like crying to my dad being like, I can't go in tomorrow.

1:06:32Like how you would a school bully. I can't go in tomorrow. She's so horrible to me. And, um, Oh, she was, I didn't imagine her to be female. I thought, it was, yeah, Miss Thomas. Yeah. everyone thought she was nasty i don't know if she was going through some shit she might have been but i was just like had you know like that dread like scared to go in what kind of things was she doing to you she shout which i was i i mean look at me i can't handle people shouting at me now i really couldn't handle it back then like i really couldn't and she would shout a lot i remember like yeah it would just be like it would give me a jump oh no just from nothing i remember one time i like did my food tech and I took a piece of chicken and then put my fork back in the salad.

1:07:16She's like screaming in my face. That's your double, you're putting the germs back in there. It was like, she was fucking weird, mate. Honestly. That's not the way to teach though. It was also like, I didn't, I just didn't know what I was doing wrong. I remember I like, um, she did to my cousin as well. He was thicker skin than me, but everyone was scared of her. Oh no. Didn't put the yeast in my bread one time. So it was all flat. She was having a go at me for that but you're learning i just felt like shit mate honestly i just felt like shit and i was so nervous to go in so i've told my dad i remember he'd write me out these like lists and it'll be like here are the pros and cons of going to school tomorrow like it got really serious where i was like i can't go in anyway next parents evening i only know this years later my dad's gone in and fucking like gone mental at her um in front of all the other parents by the way another parent had apparently pinned her up against the wall because she was making her kid cry and everything.

1:08:09I don't know how she kept her job. My dad's like, you've, because my dad was a chef when he was younger. He's like, you've put my son off cooking. Like he hates cooking now. Like you're bullying him. He's scared to go into school. Like really shouting. She was arguing back. I've got whole class to look after. I can't be worrying about every kid's feelings and all of this. Oh my God. Goes to the head. It got so bad that the head said, you actually just don't have to go to those lessons anymore because we accept that she is being so horrible to you. And I'm like, that is surely not, there must be somebody in this county who would do food tech.

1:08:43Get rid of that teacher. Get rid of her, yeah. She did it for ages and I think eventually something clicked and I remember she electrocuted herself on the whiteboard. And I honestly like was so happy. I was beaming and I looked at the assistant teacher who was also laughing and she just went, don't. I was loving it honestly mate every zap she's gone behind like we had these new electric wipes she's like ow ow like that and I'm fucking like do it more do it more I'm loving it but yeah I don't know what happened to her in the end she's not there anymore but there's so many stories about her like people not liking her I had her and then in sixth form this one Miss Alexander she was so horrible like made me and my mate Aaron who I still hang out with now just made us both she's similar to what you were saying about school read out everyone's test results in a row and we were always the bottom two and she would get so much satisfaction out of that and um i think it got to the point aaron wasn't having like he didn't have to go or there's something weird i remember she screamed at me on my first day like new school i remember i asked her what exam room we're in and she shut the door in my face even though the other p teachers were trying to tell me like you should know but it's really nasty anyway like two years later i see her out and about in uh in woodbridge where i went to school and she's with her new little kid and i saw her and i was like fucking hell you made my life hell like for so long she comes up to me and she goes go and say hello to archie and in my i'm literally yeah and in my mind i'm like i'm gonna have i'm gonna become a villain like you don't even have the fucking respect to remember my name you fucking asshole i remember just inside just burning up obviously didn't say anything hello hello hello yes your mummy used to teach me fucking bit hater honestly nasty I think teachers back then could get away with a lot more oh it's mad even in our gen though yeah we had a teacher I had a teacher who would punish people put them in like stress positions make them hold like a chair above their heads shit like that eventually got sacked for being so inappropriate with a woman so what no No way.

1:10:57We had a guy at our school who did a similar thing. He was getting like pictures off some girl as a rumour. He left for ages. He fucking came back a year later. He wasn't got any more. I guess she'd gone. It's like, I can come back and teach now. How? It's mad, isn't it? We had a teacher and the rumour was that he... How do I do this? Right. the rumor was that he played for england rugby team right and then a year later uh that he was a pedophile right and what two separate rumors we all like idolize this guy because he played for england rugby like fucking hell but that's the rumor or he did well we i don't think we were had the foresight or the technology back then to just google yeah i probably could google it now but um he then a couple of years later they was like oh he's a pedophile he and then the specific girl that he was supposed to have done something with came out and said it right and it was in the evening news right it was in the evening news on the second page right big bomb bomb bomb and we went fucking hell shit like i think we got a few days off school or something can't quite remember anyway right a year later we were there was a special assembly and the head teacher came out he came in right and it had all been a lie and this girl had made it all up right and they redacted it in the newspaper on about page 28, small at the bottom.

1:12:24And for a year, he was a nonce. It might have been... No, no, no. Well, I might as well do it now. He took a year off. Yeah, I might have got my times off there. He might have been gone for a month or two weeks, but it felt like a long time. What sort of punishment does someone get for doing that? Oh, she got dragged out of school. Dragged out of school, yeah. And then... You should get... Prison time. but she was that 14 year old girl yeah maybe not that yeah there's probably reasons why yeah something's going on with her and then the last final thing i want to say do you think this is bad because i remember you you've just triggered a memory in me you know when you said that your teacher would terrify you i had a guy like that right but he was actually like trying to be banter right and it was so fucking confusing as a kid you would walk in and he had a bellowing voice he was actually with another woman at the school and they both were in motorbikes he was quite big had a big beard you would walk in and for example he'd go Alfie get out get out and you wouldn't know what you'd done right and you'd go oh god why and he'd go don't answer back and you'd turn out to walk out and he'd go I'm only joking sit there yeah yeah he'd do that often and that's a power trip it'd get to the point Alf where once he's done it to you two or three times you'd be going like laughing like oh yeah and he'd go do you think I'm joking and I'd go no you've done it don't answer back we know what you've done and then you would then it gaslight you into going maybe this time i have done it as soon as you get up sit down come on this camera how do they get away with it i don't know maybe they don't know they must not now yeah i think those are much better now yeah i bet it's like mental health is yeah there was no talk of mental health and we're not old no no i'm 29 yeah and there was no word that i never heard the word depression or anxiety at school no isn't that mad yeah i think i think i said it before on here but i don't i don't think i would have said to you but what one of my my graphics teacher there was a proper prick in my class who would just never do the work always try and distract everyone you'd tell him to though and and um at one point the teacher was so annoyed with him he was fuming red in the face and said if you don't fucking pass all your classes you're gonna end up in prison getting bummed in the showers and all the way.

1:14:38That's a good teacher. That would make me knuckle down. That's a good teacher. What are you doing? Project. It's projectiling. Don't wipe it in your face. That's the worst way of a pod ever. He's just done that. He's just sicked out his nose. Why was it squirting out? I didn't expect you to say that. Did that come out of your nose? That was horrible. I'm gonna be fucking sick. End the pod. I think you were here. I don't wanna be here anymore. I'm gonna be sick. We were all telling such normal stories and then you said that. I got your nose. Did it actually come out of your nose? Okay, I'm coming back.

1:15:23I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up. I'm getting my stuff. I'm getting my stuff. You fucking wreck. Hey guys, I got more stories.

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