644 - Get To Know Jon Beer!

25:36Weird deal breaker, isn't it? That's really not that bad. Oh, it was like walking around my house at night. Oh, it was just that girl that we just met at singles night because she can't stay still in this. Oh, so you've managed to get her home? No, in this, in this, why are you up in the middle of the night? Yeah. She's woke me up. She got out of bed. You're having a lamp and butt there at two in the morning on the cock. Yeah. Stressed out. I'm having a break.

26:02Right. Anyway, so instantly. So we had these cue cards and like, they go like, oh, what's your star sign? I went, I don't know. I haven't got a clue. Yeah. And then she went, oh. Do you actually not know your star sign? I don't know. I don't know my star sign. Is that bad? No, it doesn't matter. No, it doesn't. It's all bollocks. But I mean, I think everyone at least knows this. Do you know yours? Is that the Scorpio one? Yeah. Well, you tell us. I'm year of the rat and Scorpio, but I don't know which one's the star sign. Your cancer. Cheers, mate, to society. you are though yeah I am spot on yeah and I'm a a posy what what okay anyway what month were you born um it's not hard October you'll be um October 27th Sagittarius it doesn't matter I don't know what date October 27th 2001 I don't know why I need to know now 2001 2001 2001 that is mental 2001 by the way yeah yeah you're Scorpio come on what's that good Same as me, mate.

26:57Oh, yeah, because you're only like a week apart or whatever. You're close. Should have worked that out. Yeah, should have. Who let that get through the crack, then? Right. So you've got these cue cards. Yeah, they're absolutely rubbish. They're all like generic, boring questions. To the point where everyone's going like, these are a bit boring. And then the fun begins. They whack out a quiz. This episode is brought to you by Palmolive. Family time isn't just the big moments. It's weeknight dinners. Sitting around the table, everyone talking all at once. So when the plates are empty and the sink is full, use Palmolive Ultra.

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28:50I thought I got no chance. Got no chance. No, Romeo and Juliet. It was before that. It was like, it was like, some of them were like - Adam and E. AD. No, before that mate. Before Adam and E. He just said some of them are AD. Everything over the last 2000 years. Brad and Angelina. It was ridiculous. No one knew. Not even, there was this like 41 year old woman there who went to like a bikini singles night the week before. That sounds good. It was like a sauna. Next year. She went. She went there and then she came to that and I was like, what? He's like, you going to everything, collecting them all?

29:27What? I don't know what's going on. Getting her gym badges. But she was like, too open about her life. She was like, yeah, I met this guy there. We did this. I was like, we did what? Well, she was saying that everyone was getting off at this sauna night and everyone was in swim trunks and bikinis. Sounds right. It does feel weird to tell someone at the next singles thing that they're doing that. Yeah, because instantly I'm like, well, Do you think she liked you? Do you think she was trying it on with you? I don't think so. I don't think so. What, even though you're the best there? Well, there was just a big age gap.

29:55I think she could have been my mum. Right. But she'd still go Man City, wouldn't she? Why would she go like... I don't know. Man City's expensive. You're so much better. Why were they not... Expensive season tickets there. But why are they not all flocking around you at this point? Because they've gone, wow. Well, I felt... Everyone else here is disgusting and you're amazing. No, no, but they... That's so horrible. I didn't say anybody there was disgusting. Sorry, Man City and Sunday League. if you're Man City there's some good players in Sunday League there's some good players they need their talents to be discovered they've not had enough scalp so you're saying you are the same as them but you have just been discovered you are out there, you're high profile yeah, there's been a light shone on me what about you?

30:35is Man City? that's good isn't it? I smell good, I look good, I dress well do you? well you don't think I dress well but I think I dress well for my age 24 mate that's what my dad says if God's real why did he invent John Bear to become a football broadcaster that's it that's the aim you've laid your cards out there stop with the cigarettes in the willies and maybe apply for some jobs you're trying to be Gary but acting more like Wayne but I think we could get a mix we could have George Linnegan Okay, give us a quick final rundown of this singles night. Did you get anyone? No, but I did bump into someone who wasn't a big fan of Jack at this event.

31:24Okay, my mum. And by the way, he had told the girls there that he was a lawyer and then got found out. No, no, no. Because he was quoting suits. No, no, that's different. What? That's how all of the lawyer stuff started, which we can't talk about. That was a different time. No, but you said you told them you studied law and got found out at the civil's night. Yeah, I kind of got found out. Basically, what happened was, a thing that used to happen would be, because I didn't like what course I did, and I said that I'd just come out of uni, I would just make up a course that I did, right? And often...

31:57When you say this is a thing you did, you would do this on nights out? I'm going to be your lawyer now. Right. Just answer the question about the dating night. Okay. So we were at the dating night, and this girl said, oh, what did you do at uni? And I just said, oh, I'd studied law. and she was like oh what you know and you'd done this previously have you no comment and then what happened was she was like oh well all my friends did law and they left the same year as you that's a nightmare that's a horror for you yeah so so I've gone yeah oh yeah I don't I think was he studying what year did you oh no I was the year before them I was the year before them and they were like well who was your lecturer and I was like oh oh my word that's horrific I don't know I just said I don't know and she was like that's a bit weird.

32:41You don't know your lecturer. And I was like, yeah, I don't know. When you're, when you're quoting suits to try and pretend you're a lawyer, what are you saying? No, there's no quotes of suits. Can I object? We would like, we would watch suits a lot and that is what inspired the, what course we did. Instead of. But you didn't do it? No, I obviously didn't do it. No, I didn't know the lecturer. So it inspired nothing. Well, it inspired that lie. So did they, so did they, in the moment, did they realise you were lying? I don't know, maybe, I probably, yeah. I'd imagine so they never gave up they never like what are you lying for they never got all irate about it but is lying to women kind of just like the easy thing for you then please no we've been through this road on the other pod no comment we've been so far down this road I'm not going down it again okay if you come on on your own without me fucking crack on if this makes you feel better and if this gets some information out of your client can I just say that when I used to go to nightclubs me and Stevie and I would I'm throwing you under this us as well we would play a game where and we we'd i'd be with thee at the time by the way this is music to my ears right yeah we would play a game where um we'd chat to someone boy girl no matter what uh man woman i should say um and we and i would make up a lie about stevie on the spot to the to the person so i'd go fun game oh this is stevie he used to manage rudimental right and then stevie has to then carry that conversation that's good that is fun and i love innocent game okay Go on with your story.

34:08Oh, okay. Please. So, yeah, we haven't heard about why someone hates Jack yet. So, I don't care if there's comments saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fucking protecting this guy. No, I appreciate that. Thank you. Journalist. I don't think you shake your lawyer's hand midway through the interview. That's unprofessional. So, yeah, I get in there and they're like, so after the whole, anyway, after the whole course thing, they're like, oh, so why are you here? and I was like, oh, I've got to bought it as a secret Santa and they were like, no way, that's actually a really good present idea. I was like, yeah, it's good, isn't it?

34:41Were you interested in this girl that you're talking to? So on this table, the girl that didn't like Jack was the most attractive girl there by the country mile. She had a bit of power. She genuinely, she walked in and I was like, oh, I hope I get put on her table. How old? She's my age, she's 25, I think, or 26. Describe her to me. She was like small, she had like bleach black hair, but like... What the fuck are you on about? Those words don't go together. No one's ever said that. You know when like... No, no, no. Jet black. Yeah, but you know when it's not the real colour? Bleach. Black bleach.

35:20Bleach basically shrinks the colour from the hair. It doesn't matter, does it? She had black hair that wasn't her natural hair, right? She dyed her hair. Died black. She had like a... I don't know what... I'm going to get all the words wrong. I'll put like a corset looking thing on, like a, it wasn't an actual corset, but the front of it mimicked a corset. Okay. Okay. And it was like, it's a good way to describe. And then like a low waisted jeans, like it's normal outfit. Yeah. Just quite attractive. Yeah. And she was like, oh, well, why are you here? I got bought a secret sandwich. She's like, yeah, that's a great present.

35:49And she was like, she's like, oh, basically before they'd asked what I did for work now. And I just said, oh, I work in social media. Just like, it's not really a lie, but it can't be. Oh, I'm getting into the intricacies. Podcast about law? Probably, yeah, yeah, yeah. True crime, anyway. So then she was like, oh, have you worked with anyone I might know? And I was like, well, she's a similar age to me, so she might know Jack. So I went, oh, well, actually I got bought this on a podcast with Jackmate. And she was like, I fucking hate Jackmate. I think he's a cunt. What an instant reaction. And then, do you know what I did?

36:25I'm not even joking. I didn't even defend Jack. I just went, yeah, I don't really know him that well.

36:31I put my jacket on and I left. Did you? I was like, at that point, there's no point in the being here. What then? I literally, they're like, I was like, oh, I'm just gonna go. And I went home. She liked Zoella, didn't she? Yeah, she was like, oh, I love Zoella. I think the advent calendar video was crap. I thought it was really, I was bullying. And I was like, oh, fucking grow up. You couldn't say grow up. No, but I wanted to. No, we just said, it didn't go down that well. Yeah, but because in that moment, I had to sort of deflect the attention away. Yeah, yeah. I was like, well, yeah, I kind of know.

37:01You thought it was a cool thing to say and then you soon realised something that Alfie and Stevie have realised for years that it will not help you. Easier to hinder you. Yeah, it will. Just say the happy hour podcast. Yeah, yeah, sure. Same effect though, Alfie. Same effect. Nah, because they don't put two and two. It's Jack. They go, I've heard of that and then they don't remember who was on it. They've not seen it. It works well. Yeah, is that what you say? Yeah, just say the, never say Jack. Yeah. That time I've been on shoots and it's someone you've slagged off. Like, please don't know. I do the podcast.

37:34So that was it, really. And then I went and watched the second half of the footy in the pub with my mate. Nice. Wow. Thanks for defending me, mate. Yeah. It's a bit harsh, isn't it? Yeah. I think, I mean, that word is really strong. If Granny's listening, I apologise for using that. But that's a really strong word. I wouldn't call just any person I didn't know the C-U-N-T. Might be like, oh, he sounds like a bit of a prick or I don't really like him. She said I'm a cunt. She said you're a cunt. Do you know what? She doesn't have a sense of humor. She doesn't have a sense of humor. No, that's what I mean.

38:03And instantly, that's a red flag. If a girl hasn't got a sense of humor, then what's the point? What, spend the next 30 years married and miserable? Yeah, can never stick this on in the car. No, exactly. No, turn it off. Right. You must listen all the time then. Why? Like if you're worried that you wouldn't be able to listen to this in the car. Yeah. Yeah. Listen all the time? Yeah, all the time. Right, because I did say to you before the cameras were, or even on the part, I can't remember at this point, but I did say to you, we're going to ask you our Hall of Fame question. You said, what's that?

38:29It's the question we ask every single guest. Oh, the meal deal one. I do know. Three years ago. Are you being serious? Is that not it? Does Hall of Fame sound like what's your meal deal?

38:46Cheers, man. So when did we last see the meal deal one? About three years ago, probably. Old studio. Three and a half. Old studio. It's a brilliant question, no? Keep it up. Keep bringing it back. We don't take notes from you. Well, we always... I say we always start. We're probably halfway through this by now. But if you had to put an item into the Happy Hour Hall of Fame, something that means something to you, John Beer, what would you put in? It can be anything. It can be a feeling. It can be an object. It can be a person. It can be a place. And what happens to it? Well, it's just in our fictional sort of like Hall of Fame.

39:23Everyone's put an object in there. Think of it like a trophy. And then I'll never have to deal with it again. No, you wouldn't get this. This is, this is, some people do take that question that way. It says a lot about their brain. Okay, so I'm a dick. Think of it like a trophy cabinet. It's like a trophy cabinet of all the best things ever to exist. Okay, fine. I know my answer. Love. No, no, no. You said a fever. You hate love. Exactly. So put it in there and get it away. No. You fucking moron. I just said the best things to exist. Okay. So your name would be under that. Also, you don't own love, I don't think.

39:53Well, actually. Yeah, you ain't got to own it. No, he can't have a feel of it. Okay, right. Well, Exorcity Football Club then. Okay, that's fine. Good answer. That would make the most sense attached. Nothing else on planet Earth would make sense attached to my name. No, it does if you like it. Yeah, you might own something. You might own like a teddy that your mum got you when you were a baby. Oh, Doodoo. Yeah, I'll put Doodoo in there. Oh, it's on. Sorry, yeah. It's literally that easy. What's Doodoo? It's this little red bed I've had since I was about two years old. And I think it was in a Sephora in France, right?

40:22They were in France with my family on holiday. and I'm in the push chair and I've grabbed this teddy bear off this side and they've got to the checkout and they've gone, oh no, we haven't grabbed that. And they took it away from me. So I started like bawling out. And my mum was like, oh, we'll just buy it for him now. Start bawling out. It's got a rolly up. Doing keepy-upies, isn't it? No. Bawling. Crying. Yeah, crying. And then... It took a while, didn't it? And then my mum was like, oh... He was thinking of it that whole time we were doing that bit. He was still thinking of the word crying. Yeah, what is it?

40:50No, like bawling... I'm bawling my eyes out. That's it. How did Stevie get it before everyone else? He hates you. He's the smartest one. Yeah, so he says. Anyway, so yeah, probably put that in there. But then I can still have it, can't I? Because I sleep with it every night. Do you still sleep with it now? Yeah, I'm still in my bed now. So don't lose it. Okay, yeah, that's fine. Chill. Don't get angry. I don't want to spend the whole pod talking about this. Move on, doo-doo. He's on that imaginary shelf. He's there. So do you still, so you have this in your bed now? Yeah. What do you do if you have a lady around?

41:22it stays yeah it stays of course it no not has a girl ever commented on it yeah like what's that but there's a lot of things in my room that people comment about there's a flipping signed Jonathan Ford shirt from 2012 whatever like they're like who's that his room is a women repellent room go on explain you walk in your room what you got there's a lot of framed football shirts all exodus the city yeah match worn shirts from players throughout the years your mates not some of them aren't mates some of them are mates some of the people that I know now but like older ones are just ones that like historic moments that probably should be in the museum but I've got them like there's there's a thousandth goal under trust ownership Exorcity's owned by trust and I've got the match worn shirt that the guy scored the thousandth goal under trust ownership in on my wall sign how have you got that then?

42:14just happened to fall into my hands I just don't know I had it that sounds like it's been there because he has connections at the club that he denies yeah well there's some ties but that's not why I got it do you want to know the real way I want it I want it in a raffle which doesn't really sound that exciting does it no so why'd you lie yeah why lie you're obsessed with lies that's fine playing a raffle no because then someone will be like well yeah of course you want it because his family is at the club and it's rigged I don't think anyone oh is your family at the club my family are involved at Exorcity yeah they own the club they don't own it my brother's a director at the football club yeah right that's a big role yeah it's quite a big responsibility yeah but I didn't He didn't make me win the raffle is what I'm trying to say.

42:51You know what I mean? This sounds like people were kicking off at the time. No, no. No one knows I have it. They do now. So we were talking about your room, but I want to go back because I'm intrigued by the fact that you said you would originally put love in the happy old hall of fame. I throw myself under the bus. Why love? Are you a big lover? No, I think we spoke about this on the Christmas special briefly. I don't actually believe in relationship love. I do recall, yeah. So you've never been in love? No, I think I have been in love with somebody, but I don't think... It's what I thought love should be, but actually it wasn't.

43:29I just have... He got his heart broken and now he's an incel. Now he's in the Manosphere? Yeah. That look you just came with really annoyed because I've written a song about this situation. Have you? And it got filtered back to the friendship group and didn't go down very well. Yeah, it got me in a bit of trouble, yeah. Did it really? Yeah, because the, well, should I go into it? I don't really know if I should go into it. Ask your lawyer. Well, basically what happened was I was - I'd love you to. This is terrible. Right. So I was seeing a girl for like - I don't know. 11 months, right? Okay, long term.

44:03Yeah, it was quite a while. It was like an entire uni year plus the summer of that, end of that uni year. Yeah, we know what a year is. I'm opening my heart. Sorry, sorry. It's just mentally you've just tried to explain what 11 months is to us. It's like pregnancy and two months. I'm guesstimating. It's like Christmas back to Christmas for back a month.

44:30Anyway. What was I was guesstimating, right? It could have been, I don't know. I've excluded that peanut butter out of my head. Okay. And I've seen this girl and it turns out she... Are you sure you want to do this? Yeah. You sure you want to say this? Yeah, well, yeah. No one's going to... No one is going to... to find out who it is, are they? Okay. Okay, but how was this situation of this girl not treating you well filtered back to your friend group? Okay, so basically this girl did some unpleasant things with multiple different people behind my back. You're making it so... As your lawyer, you have just made that so obvious.

45:04You may as well... I'm not slammed it. It's facts. Yeah. It's not liable or anything like that. I'm not getting anyone in trouble anyway. And Alfie wrote a song about what had happened. Of course he did. It's a good friend. Yeah. He used Jack's emotional trauma and... Yeah. And that got put on... Jax was worse, I'd say, than this. Right. And that got put on the pod's Instagram, and this girl followed the You Don't Know What You Do podcast. Your ex? Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, she was like a fan. Well, not a fan, but she liked the things that I did. No, I think she's probably unfollowed now. What was it?

45:38Alfie put the clip of the song up on the story, and the lyrics were like pretty... Like, if you knew the situation, they were really obvious, but if you didn't, they were really vague. What were the lyrics, Alfie? John was a pretty boy. He was a tiger that couldn't be tamed. Another night, another woman, another girl, another day. And one day, fair maiden came up next beside him or something like that. And then basically she tames him. She breaks his heart. And it goes, let go of her, John. Let go of her. Let go of her. And it goes into this big thing. Me and David are like, la, la, la, la. I like it.

46:13Yeah, just mocking like the most traumatic thing in my life. Okay. Pretty good life though, isn't it? Yeah. He's like, girl at uni's like cheated on you. Do you know how many non-stokes you made to me on the Christmas special? Yeah. Yeah, but you were like, two. I was nine. That's all right then. That is the worst thing you've said. I'll tell you that now, John. That is the worst thing you've said. Okay. I get the comments now. Okay, so what happened in the friend group once the song's gone out? Yeah, so when what happened happened, our friendship group got split quite heavily. Like all the girls and all the boys split.

46:49It was quite a big thing. It was like, it wasn't very pleasant for anyone because this person I was seeing, I only knew through mutual friends that had gone to primary school or secondary school with her. Some of them were like best friends. And then that happened and people didn't know what side to choose or what was going on. Basically, all my mates knew behind my back and no one told me. That's what happened. Oh, that is terrible. That is actually terrible. For like five months, everybody knew. And then I was just like dilly-dallying around my mind. Can I tell you something that you have to bleep?

47:16Yep.

47:26that's the extent of actually how nasty that shit is yeah it was pretty messed up but then you know life happens and now love's bullshit so fair enough sad isn't it that is sad and this is like a bit of a look behind the curtain at incel culture yeah yeah yeah that's how that's how you No, you're not. I think you need to open up. There's an easy question to determine if you're an insult or not. You are ready to love again, aren't you? No. Oh, okay. He is an insult. We open the door. We try to walk through it. You've headbutt the face. That's when you do lie. No, I don't want to... He's voluntarily celibate, but you're not celibate.

48:09I wouldn't say I'm celibate. What I would say is... Well, you either are or you're not. What does that mean? I'm not... If I was now to not get into a relationship ever again, I would be quite fine with that. Do you want children one day? I thought about the idea of having children. It'd be quite nice, but it's not the be-all and end-all for me either. Right. Everyone's now going to think I'm miserable. No, no, no. You still respect women, do you? Yeah, absolutely. There's so many relationships I see that are really good. Some are really bad, but that happens. But yeah, I have a movie night with two friends of mine, and they're both girls, and we go and every Friday we watch a new film.

48:45We just chill together. You must be in love with them a little bit. No, I've known them for years. Like four or five years now throughout all of uni. They were like the part of the girl group that stayed. Right, they're loyal. Are they single girls? These hoes are loyal. One of them's gone out with one of my best friends. That's really nice. I don't mean that they're hoes. One of my best friends lives away. So like, I'll go around and we'll watch. It's quite a lot of rom-coms that get watched to be honest. Rom-coms. That's why I think he may be, do you know what I mean? 50 first days. Let's keep watching rom-coms together.

49:15Yeah. And hope one day this com turns into a rom. Yeah. That's what you're thinking, yeah? Yeah. No, I'm thinking I've never seen any rom-coms before like this year so let's give them a go and they're great. What has been your favourite so far? Oh, is it called Set It Up? I don't know you've sent it, mate. Set It Up. It's a good one. It's like about two assistants that work in the same building and they've got no social life so they set their bosses up and they fall in love together in the process of setting their bosses up. It's great. So you're watching this with these two ladies? Yeah, Kyle's there sometimes.

49:44It's not just us three. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's more people. Sometimes it's less. If there are any girls watching this, like John's age, my dream is to get a single... No, God, no. No? A singles night on the pod. Why do you want me to be happy? So we have a Zoom call, and there's loads of... We do a dating show for John, and they do a speed dating with him. So if anyone would be up for that. He's doing here. Would you do that? No, he's just said he wants to do it. yeah or here it'd be quite difficult wouldn't it them just all queued around the corner that'd be brilliant you'll have your turn you don't need to ask about their weight no let's ask them some of these actual questions who was your first while we're on the topic of women who was your first celebrity crush I always forget her name but she was in meant a lot to him yeah you remember some certain aspects about her don't you I can't think of her name but she was in she didn't have a name like a space oh I can't think of her name it's actually really bugging me what film?

50:45or maybe like space it has Space Jam? no not Space Jam it's like is it called like Ventura or something like that? Ace Ventura? no no that is a great film though Jim Carrey that's actually one of my favourite films Pet Detective shout out wow it needs your it needs your PR can I google it? Jim Carrey's watching this that's gone like that the sales I think I might have her on like hold on wait. Have her on what? I might have shown her to someone before, so maybe I've just got it open on a tab or something. What? How many tabs have you got open waiting for this? Oh, I don't ever close a tab. I just close the next one.

51:21Even that's odd. I don't know. I don't have her. Who is your guys? Do you remember BBC 3, The Real Hustle? Do you remember that? The lady off that. She went on I'm a Celebrity in the end. Jessica Jane Clement, her name. I remember her name because she's a woman that I should respect. Good. Stevie? Hillary Duff. Lizzie McGuire. Classic. Watched Cheaper by the Dozen the other day and I was like, that was, I was like, Isaac, that was what I liked when I was younger. Did you say that? Yeah. I'll let him know. Why? Because everyone, you've got to let him know. That's what you're old man, we didn't do better than you dated.

51:57That's my first point. Wendy, come on. Wendy off the live action Peter Pan for me. I had a dream. She was in the corner of my room. She's like, I love you. That's sweet. I love you. All the girls loved Peter Pan in that movie. My sister loved him. He's like the Jacob Elordi nowadays. I don't know what that means. He was like Justin Bieber looking. I don't know who Jacob Elordi is. Frankenstein. He's well good looking. Oh, the new one. He keeps necking on with Michael Robbie all the time. Keeps necking on. Yeah, all the girls. So whose was yours? Christian Stewart. From Twilight? Yeah, that's the one, yeah.

52:31But not from Twilight. I watched Zephora's space, some space film. Never heard of it. but that is the roguest shout. I've got the film up here. It's called... Zephyrra. That's it, yeah. Oh my God, that was a Brit with the board game. A space adventure, yeah. That was such a good... So in that, I just remember thinking she was really pretty. Okay, yeah, right. Fair enough. So how old were you? You were a kid? In 2004, I would have been three. But that's when the film came out. I've obviously watched it years later. I was going to say three. He's not asking you. He hasn't said how old were you when it came out.

53:03Oh, probably like eight or nine, probably. Okay. When do you first... I don't know when you first get your crushes. No. It's different for different people. Yeah. That's why we've asked you. Okay, well, nine. If you could date any celebrity now, who would it be? This is an easy one for me. I've said this a lot on the pod. Do you know Mimi Keem from Sex Education? How do you spell that? Mimi Keem. M-I-M-I-K-E-E. I don't think it's that out of the question. You could meet her one day either. Yeah, I'm not sure she'd be Keem, though. Oh. No, of course she wouldn't. No. Because I'm ugly. Well, she's like Real Madrid.

53:35Yeah, and they just smashed Man City 3-0. She'll walk all over you, mate. So she's Real Madrid? I've got a chance in the second leg, then.

53:45That's what you're saying. Right, so you meet her, right? Let's say tonight, you and Alfie, you go to Exeter. She's in the box. Big fan of the, what's the nickname of Exeter? The Grecians. She's a big fan of the Grecians. You ask her on a date. She says, yeah. She goes well into City. what do you do with a tomorrow to win a round? What's the ideal date? It's such a simple answer for me. This episode is brought to you by Palmolive. Family time isn't just the big moments. It's weeknight dinners, sitting around the table, everyone talking all at once. So when the plates are empty and the sink is full, use Palmolive Ultra.

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55:49So for me... What do you mean too nice? Like, there's a bar in Manchester called 20 Stories, if anyone's heard of it. Quite an expensive place to have a drink that's like 10 quid for a beer. Right. That's stupid, right? But you just get this great view over Manchester. and that's like seeing us doing too much and then like Is it? Is it? Yeah on the first day Yeah but it's an expensive bar I've obviously I'm clearly trying to show that like I've got You've got money dough and I don't right so I'm like Be yourself I'm tapping like the card on and it's like failing three times She's paying I'm getting the Chase card out the Monzo card out the Student Debt card out I'm whacking them all out at this point just go through go have a seat enjoy the view tapping it on right and then you can go like undercutting and take a kebab lab after a night out.

56:31So there's like... What's that then? Just some crappy takeaway in Manchester. But you've been on a night out and then you go, well, let's have a... And then apparently that's not good enough. So for me... Again, in so... Apparently that's not good enough. But this is what I mean. You can't win. You can. You're in between those two things. Do you know what it is? Nando's. The little Nando's. Everyone likes Nando's. You're taking Mimi King to Nando's. Yeah, but this is what I mean. She'll probably... She'll probably like 20 stories. No, this is the thing. She'll probably will have been wined and dined 20 stories before.

57:01She wants just a normal, low-key date. That's what I think. Is that all right? That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. So you're going Nando's. I'm not a lawyer. I've got to ask everything. Are you doing anything else? Are you going? Hit a few bars, maybe in Northern Quarter in Manchester, something like that. Nice, like, up-and-coming area. A little bit different. Not like, wouldn't go to any traditional pubs, but nice up-and-coming ones. Some very good bars in Northern Quarter in Manchester, so I'll go there. What's your Nando's order? Oh, it changes. I had one yesterday, actually. I had Fino Pitta yesterday with peri chip spicy rice and then like a bottomless drink if it's not costing an arm and a leg.

57:33What heat on your chicken? Hot. It's a sweet guy, isn't it? A new one, the sweet heat one's good. It's really nice. I had some bad reviews yesterday. What? A few of the boys were like, no, it's not that nice. Oh, I like it. I love it. I get it every time. Yeah. Wow. What do you look for in a woman? Good question. Is this on the list? she's on the list yeah oh it is okay am I okay to answer this one yeah it depends really depends on what you say the fact that you're even worried that you might say have a little think before it comes out your mouth I'll be honest the most important thing for me is they have to be funny that's what my last relationship was like it was the first time I ever like absolutely cried out laughing with a girl so would you would you like a comedian yeah well if they're like but that's pretend funny, like you're writing that in your life, being performative.

58:30I want like quirky, like inside jokes. Naturally funny. Okay, okay. Right. So that kind of stuff. And then, I don't know, like can I talk about looks? Like objectively, like a brunette on a smaller side. That's it really. I don't want it to be taller than me, but it doesn't have to be tiny. It's five foot six, five foot five. Yeah, five foot, yeah, five six, five five. That's probably, yeah. Five five, brunette. Nice fashion sense as well, actually. what's the ideal what do you want them wearing well I like a lot of street wear clothes and I find girls that wear street wear not a tracksuit like drama cab drama cool drama cool drama cool yeah well not that but any like there's actually a girl on TikTok that I follow who I think is really attractive and her fashion sense is what makes her attractive to me so I can show I can show you if you want she might be single yeah but yeah You're Man City.

59:24Don't start getting cold feet out. No, no, I was Man City in this room. In real life, I'm like Macclesfield Town. I don't want to blow our own trumpet here on the podcast, but often I'll be scrolling through TikTok. There'll be a lot of creators, male, female, cool. Click on them. Comes up, follow back. They already follow me. So there's a chance this lovely lady out there, this fashionista, this gorgeous fashionista, may be listening to this. So, John. Don't... Come on, stop. You're being all self-conscious. Just let go. What's her name? Is she Welsh? She's Estonian What do you mean she Welsh?

59:58What was that little look? What was that little look? You know what you're doing there? What? He's prodding the bear What he's doing I wish you Welsh

1:00:07She's Estonian I think her name's I don't know how you pronounce it It's Adore It's A-D-O-R-R-E-E Okay And I just think she's very pretty And her fashion sense is very attractive Oh Where would you be taking her then? Nando's? Yeah, maybe Yeah I think she's a little bit younger than me though She's just turned 20 I think maybe Around that age This might get back to her Yeah well if you're listening just drop me a follow We'll sort something out It was going quite well Before you said that What do you want me to say You've lost it Well it might happen It's not going to happen Is it There might be someone out there though That thinks oh he seems really cute and funny yeah once you drop this hatred of women you'll be well I do not hate women what is your opinion of women?

1:01:00yeah brilliant most of them are brilliant there's just some very nasty ones out there no there's one no there's more than one he's got a point where there's more than one there's one that's there's two there's at least two I know for a fact there's two what do you respect about women? great question shouldn't be a pause shouldn't be a pause I don't know. I've never really been in like a... With one? I don't really spend loads of time with women. Your mum? Your mum? Your granny? Oh, okay. Yeah, fine. I don't really spend much time with them either. You lived with your mum, didn't you? For what?

1:01:3116, 17 years? I'm sure you know her fairly well. You was with a lady for 11 months. Do you know what I love about my mum? Unconditional love. No matter how much of an idiot I am. It wasn't a question though, was it? Annoyingly. Yeah. What do you respect about women? Yeah, but that's so vague. Give us a vague answer then. Okay. I love how loving they can be. That's nice. There we go. What would you do if you were a... I don't, I don't care. What would you do if you were a woman for a day? Okay. Right. Do you need to speak to the lawyer? There's so much I would do. Okay. Talk us through your day.

1:02:09Wake up. You're going to have a lot of paperwork. This has nothing to do with me. This has nothing to do with me. I would go out in the evening just to see what it feels like to be a girl that's approached by men all the time. Because often that's the dynamic, isn't it? You don't often get, it's fine if you do, but often the male approaches the girl. So I would see how I would feel in that scenario, what works, what doesn't work, and then take that into going back into a male body. That's really good. That's a really good answer. I mean, he's using it to pick up chicks, but it's a good answer.

1:02:40Yeah, but he's also trying to learn what he finds acceptable from that point. You don't want to be that guy that's too much reaching. you know not physically as in like don't need to say it sorry but he stop looking at me when you say the creepy bits not like just not being overbearing on someone and like so you can when you're drunk you have said let's see what works and doesn't work but they're doing it on you so they're the things that would work from men on you that doesn't necessarily mean it would work on other women no but in general a woman would know their species or you would or you would look around the club and you'd go bloody hell he's being a bit creepy or you would just see things in a club completely different.

1:03:18Right. Because like, there's no libido involved in decision making. It's just like, do I? How far do you take it? Good looking lad comes over to you. Let's run it all the way. If he's smooth talked to me. Am I then a bloke sleeping with a bloke? But as a girl. You're female John Beer. Flipping hell, I wonder what that looked like. Jennifer Beer. Jenny Beer, yeah. Jenny Beer. Or John Gin and Tonic. I don't think that a lot of people don't like this but I don't think there's anything wrong with hookup culture especially at university like I think that's kind of what it's what you're there for yeah so like so you're so you're a female you're a female I come up to you yeah who would would you like him would you like him yeah but you're just asking me as a bloke now do I fancy Jack no wait wait no you actually you like dark hair people so I know I'm out of the equation okay Stevie no right Alfie Small, dark hair.

1:04:17Look at him, small, dark and handsome. Shredded. No, I can't see that. I ain't got x-ray vision. No, but he comes up to you, flashes a six pack like that. I'd go tit. What? What a tit. I'd go tit.

1:04:31No, I would just call him a tit. I'd be like, what's he doing? What about he unzips his flies? Hence Benson Hedges. What's that name? It's a cigarette. Come on. I thought you meant I had the bush. That's the only one for you. I know girls think hoggarets are funny. Nah. No. Okay, leave it in the comments, guys. Fee, this is too male-centric. Do you think hoggarets are funny? Absolutely not. There we go. Oh, laughing up a bit. That's a no. It's just a bit of fun. No one's... Do you shag Alfie at the end of the night? Yeah. Let's see a sweet talk. Let's see a smooth talk, do you know what I mean?

1:05:11That's not smooth talk, though, is it? That's us having sex. No, but you have to smooth talk me to... I'm not to sleep with anyone. But I have. Are you taking me home? Yeah. What are you doing? What are you doing to me? What? You're the bloke, so you've got to make the moves. You've got to make the first move, haven't you? All right, I'm kissing your neck. No, cut. Okay. I like how quick he went. All right. Should we... Sweet nothings in the air? Yeah, I'll go. Yeah, that's all right, that. keep it up that's alright I don't know this is weird isn't it this is very weird because I wouldn't go into bed with Alf I know Alf you would if you were with a woman yeah and I didn't know him yeah I'd never sleep with a friend that's one thing I would say not male or female let's get away from all the women talk and do some more different like normal questions yeah yeah yeah I want to know John what is your guilty pleasure what do you quite like and when no one's around you're bang into it You're so just trying.

1:06:14Yeah, you're pushing me down on Avenue there. I know what you thought when you were writing that. What is your guilty pleasure? A bit of Kylie Minogue. Oh, yeah, okay. What were you thinking? I don't know. Cut. You know when you say cut, it doesn't instantly get cut. I've got director's edit here. None of those are being cut. What can I say? Do you know what? At a minute, no one's going to believe this, not even Alfie, but at the moment on my days off I get a matcha from Blank Street and I go and read my book in the library what book are you reading? I'm reading Wuthering Heights at the moment for the first time ever I never got to do it at school so I was like I'd quite like to read that you were so surprising I put it in the car what?

1:06:57tell girls that yeah how attractive is that? yeah for anyone who didn't if you just said tell girls that that's such a good point I get caught in it sometimes I'm like what the fuck am I doing? but no so then I walk That's what you should be thinking when you're sticking a fucking vape in your dick. Yeah. That is like... That's a great idea. No, it isn't. It isn't, John. Get Lost Mary down there. I found it. Probably get the whole thing in there, actually. What? Quite a thick body, though, them Lost Marys, isn't they? Crystals. Yeah, you need a skinny body. So you're reading the book, you're reading Wuthering Heights.

1:07:33Why is that your guilty pleasure, though? Because I feel... Because it's not... If I told my friends, they would pick on me for now. Yeah, your friends are twats then. Yeah, but I thought you guys were going to pick on me. No, that's impressive. We're normal blokes. I really tell myself, every year I set myself what they call resolutions, yeah? And like, the one that always falls off is read a book. I just can't read a book because I'm thick as shit. I go into Waterstones probably once a fortnight and look at all the books and go, I'll get one next time. Yeah. And I never do. I've got a book in my bag right now.

1:08:05Am I reading that? No, it's in there though. it's heavy that's half the trick you need to have it with you because you might find yourself in a scenario where you go I might read that's how I if I take a bag anyway I'll put my book in there because I might go oh the train's delayed or whatever you get these little moments to like whack it out whoa you're the one you're the one you can say the phrase whack it out because you are talking about a book just not in public you can with a book and that's what we're talking about not Fifty Shades of Grey you literally can yeah but people would go what the fuck does he mean perv why does he mean that Wuthering Heights is...

1:08:39Yeah, but it's not like sex in it. It's not descriptive sex. It's actually a really emotional love story. You can't talk either. You listen to sex. Listen to sex. Yeah, you can't. Not these days. I'm a dungeon crawler Carl now, mate. You want what? Dungeon crawler Carl. I listen to audiobooks. Honestly, so, so pathetic. You just said we wouldn't laugh at you for reading your book. He's reading Wuthering Heights, a pretty popular... With a matcha. Yeah, with a matcha in a library. Hot matcha, oat milk, dash of vanilla. Dungeon Crawler Carla's popular You're going on a little run and listening to Dungeon and Dragons When he said, it's better than what I thought Don't tell people you listen to sex Because I thought you had a porn addiction then That's completely separate You listen to Gremlin sex What's your most useless talent?

1:09:24Talking It's not useless John is it? It's literally your job You do a podcast But he's saying useless Like something that means nothing Oh okay Do you think there's some No Leave it Do you think there's anything you're really good at Like are you good at whistling I'm really trying to give you something I can't whistle I can't What can I do I genuinely don't have anything This is what I mean I'm so shit You're double jointed I can't do anything other than talk And even that I can't even do that sometimes Are you one of these I was going to say weird I have said weird Weirdos It's called me weirder.

1:10:04No, I'm not saying you are, but are you one of these people that can recite every Exeter City scoreline? No, I couldn't do like... I could tell you... If you told me the game and the score, I could probably tell you who scored, but I can't tell you like, this is the date that this happened, da-da-da-da. Right. I can't do that, but... I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think. I'm relatively... I'm not... I think I'm relatively intelligent, and I know the football world quite well, so I would be very useful at a football club, like even at my age. which I've got experience that people won't ever get to have just because of the rooms on.

1:10:36So maybe a good job for you would be to go into a football team and run their media team. Yeah, maybe the media team. Or hire, do other things. Become a director. He's an Exeter City trust member at 16. Trusty, yeah. Doing hogar reps on the weekend. I ran for election at 16, yeah. What does that mean? So at Exeter City, the ownership group is all fans. So people come on. You have to run for election. and at 16, I ran for election and got voted off by the fans. I had to make a manifesto. I did all sorts, yeah. It was actually ridiculous. I had to do a hustling where they sit down and ask you questions and like, where do you see the next X amount of years going for the football club?

1:11:15Yeah. Another thing you should be telling people. There's no girl on planet Earth that is interested in exorcism. But they're well more interested in you making a manifesto and getting voted into a trustee than they would be you sticking a cigarette in your dick. Cannot believe I just said that out loud. again you don't need to look at me there he's right yeah yeah yeah so how long how big was this manifesto I mean you could probably find it somewhere but like it wasn't that big my whole the whole point of me running I ran on the basis that I wanted to learn and help be a contingency plan for the club in the future and how long were you in this role that you got elected for I did three years and then I could have stood for election again but I went to uni instead so being miles away from exit I was like I can't it's not fair to run so I didn't stand again.

1:11:59And you genuinely got voted in this isn't your brother with the... No, no, yeah, you have to get people vote. When I was elected, it was paper ballot. So people came and voted in a little box. Kind of like how Barcelona and those teams do obviously on a much bigger scale, but they vote in their presidents on a literal ballot, physical. You know, we've only been speaking for what, just over an hour and there are impressive sides, dimensions to you. You know that. But the things that you think are the impressive bits are not the impressive bits. Do you know that? I've got my priorities wrong, haven't I?

1:12:30Yeah, you have. Talking about the right things. But like, is that now, have I not just become boring in that five minutes where I'm just talking about absolute shit that no one can, only like five people on planet Earth really care about. Well, there's four of us in this room other than you and we all find that impressive. That's more interesting. The other stuff's weird. So we're laughing at it, not with you. Don't say that. When you say that stuff, we're going, hmm, not. What? Yeah, you know what? When I was talking then, I got in my own head because everyone was really quiet. Because we're listening.

1:13:03And I was like, oh God. But you don't like that? It's all right. It's just like, I just don't, I don't find that impressive personally. I'm very, I struggle to give myself... Kudos. Kudos, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So like a lot of the skills that I'm like, for example, being able to be talkative all through school, I was told, and even my granny, she was like, you're not going to, if you can't shut up, you won't go anywhere. Do you know what I mean? You need to be able to listen. And actually like it's, now she's a bit like, well, I was wrong. Because it, you know, that's what I'm doing with my life.

1:13:30What were you like at school? I wasn't badly behaved, but I pushed it. I never handed in a bit of homework. I was on homework report every year. I just didn't give it, just didn't give it in. I just couldn't be arsed. What would the teachers say when you just consistently don't? Do you know what? It got to the point where some teachers were like, we just wouldn't even get to go to my table. So like anyone who was on my table didn't have to hand in homework because they were like, they just didn't want the like, I know he hasn't done it. so I'm just gonna avoid that table. So yeah, I never gave him homework.

1:13:58I broke loads of stuff. At one time, I broke a light. You are like the purple cramp twin. Yeah. What's that? I was gonna say, he's too young. What's the cramp twins? The cramp twins was like an old kids animation. Do you not know the cramp twins? I don't know, I've never heard of the cramp twins ever. Good show. It was a great show. All of my friends would tell you, like I wasn't badly behaved, but I was just a little shit. I was a really well behaved little shit. I always thought at the time I knew better than teachers. I think I've told the story in our pod, but I had this textiles teacher once that told me I wasn't going to go anywhere because I couldn't stitch my creeper pillow together that I'd had.

1:14:38And she pulled me and my friend Jay up in front of the class and he'll tell you this. And she went, you do realise you two are going nowhere in life. You're going to be stuck here. And I just turned to her and I went, well, you're teaching at the second worst school in Devon. So it's not like... Again, it's not that story. you think people think it makes you look Wolf of Wall Street. It makes you look like a shit house ruining a teacher's day. She tried to ruin my day by saying... True. That was nasty. In fact, my friend Jay... But what's the context? Why had she got to that stage? Genuinely, because I couldn't stitch this pillow together on the sewing machine.

1:15:13Can you now? No. I dropped it. At year nine, I just obviously didn't choose textiles. It's just not for me. What was the naughtiest thing you did when you were at school? you can look at Alfie. Yeah, I'm just trying to think. There's a lot to choose from. I don't think it springs to mind. Not the first thing, the naughtiest thing. Yeah, I broke a light in the PE hall, but I was being a twat. I was just punting this basketball about with my feet and trying to hit people straight up. I was aiming for people with this basketball and I was hitting it on a half volley, like all sorts. It was unbelievable, right?

1:15:53And I've caught this one. It's looped and I've got instantly everyone's... Why do you look so... You look like you're reminiscing, like it's the best thing you've ever done. It's so funny. Like looking back on it, I absolutely shit myself. He has not grown. Someone could have really got hurt. So it's actually dangerous. But I've hit this light and it's come smashing down. Oh shit. In the PE hall. And it's glasses everywhere. Did you get done for it? Well, this teacher was trying to go like, we're going to have to get a cherry picker in here to put that back up and your parents are going to pay for it.

1:16:18And I was like, all right. I was like I just broke the light you know you shouldn't have made shit lights they were just hanging there and that one that's what the lights are doing these lights are just hanging there she got sacked for swearing at a teacher a pupil she swore at you no you got a teacher sacked she swore at someone else right at year seven actually and that that kid never came back to school moved school because of that teacher that's awful that she was she sounds horrible she was a dick yeah she was horrible everyone that knows me that's watching this will know exactly what teacher I'm on about.

1:16:51P teacher. This has been a rollercoaster of an episode, this. I think at some points you would have hooked like some potential ladies in that have gone, who's this? Young whippersnapper. They've gone. Well, they would have sort of gone off the hook, swam away a little bit and then he'd have dropped a little bit more bread in the lake, like Wuthering Heights. They come back, have a little nibble like that and then he goes, I've fucked it. Ruined a teacher's life, smashed a light. They've gone again. Didn't ruin her life. She did that herself. I swear it at the kid. From our list, Stevie, How can we end this just to see, can John get some females interested before we leave?

1:17:27That means you need something that gives him a chance to say, we're not going to say who's your favourite serial killer. Shall we finish with that one? You will need your lawyer for this one, I will be honest, because this is a tough question. What would you do if all laws were purged for 24 hours? You can do whatever you want. I trust you, John, to not say something fucking horrific right now. and I'm trusting you. I'm not getting involved. Whatever you say is on you and has nothing to do with me. I'm staying silent. Okay, I'm copying someone's answer, but I saw this on another podcast. I thought it was actually really clever.

1:17:59Okay, okay. Like perjury? John, you got the wrong question. That's a completely different question. What? It's the wrong question. What, if I could commit a crime, it would go? Listen to the question. Listen to the question. What would you do if there was no law for 24 hours? You can do whatever you want. Like a purge? Yes. Not perjury. My apologies. Yeah. Don't hear it. Sorry. What were you doing? I'm trying to forget he's been here. Okay, well, I would just rob a bank. Rob a bank and then I'd move to Cuba or Hawaii or somewhere like that where it's nice weather. Oh, the Maldives. Right. And I would throw my phone as far away as possible and I would just live on my own in the Maldives.

1:18:42You'd throw your phone? Why would you throw your phone? Well, I just don't need it anymore. Just leave it somewhere. How are you going to chat to your friends? I've just robbed the bank. I'm not going to my friends going, Oh, that's a terrible lie. The only reason you're still in contact with your friends is because of your skin. If you had money, they'd be gone. Once I'm up, they're gone. That's the first thing that came to my heart. I'd probably keep some friends, yeah. How are you contacting them? Are you throwing your phone? They don't know where I am. I'm in the Maldives. I'm not moving. If you want to come and see me, let me know.

1:19:13I'll pay for your flight. I've just robbed a bank. If I gave you 100 quid right now, what would you spend it on? Fuel to get home. What, you can't get home? No, I can probably just about afford to put 50 quid in the car, but I'll spend it on fuel, yeah. Oh, this would be fun. If I gave you all 100 pounds... Me, I'd go for a nice meal. I'd go for a steak meal. I wouldn't put it in your car, okay? I know that now for next time if someone asks me. No, no, you have to stay true to yourself, John. If fuel is your answer, you can't go, you can't say, oh, I'd get a steak because that's what Jackmate said.

1:19:53Because you know what reply you're going to get. I think Jackmate's a cunt. Yeah. Oh, this has been good fun. This has been good fun. Have we got anything else we want to ask John or should we just let him on his merry way? What's the weirdest thing you've ever Googled? I actually want to know this. And I want you to be deadly honest and we'll bleep it if it's bad. Yeah. Weirdest thing I've ever Googled. how to break into my car

1:20:19how to break into Hyundai i40 youtube video did you lock yourself out no my back no that's so weird no no in essence I did lock myself out but not through stupidity my car battery died and my fob stopped working so you locked yourself out you were locked out Yeah, but that's not, I've not locked it out like, oh, I left my keys in the car. I've locked myself. It's so draining, isn't it? It's so draining. Can I just change that question? Rather than what's the weirdest. That's not nice. We went to be working, went to be colleagues. What's the weirdest, rather than what's the weirdest thing you've Googled, what's the strangest thing you've seen on the internet?

1:21:04Childbirth. I'm so glad. Your lawyer just had a fucking heart attack, mate. Your lawyer just had a fucking heart attack We'll leave it there Jesus Christ Can you cut after the word child Just leave the Or just bleep the word bird Now he's cancelled We got there This has been Jack Maite's Happy Hour Podcast With me Jack Maite, Stevie White, Alfie Indra He's looking very dapper And John Beer, John Beer what is Do you not want to ask? what's my parting gift to the world have you ever fucking listened to any of these shows it's the meal deal question no no what's the meaning of life

1:21:55it's a good question it's a very good question what is the meaning of life enjoy it enjoy it enjoy it while it lasts because it only it only gets worse past a certain age. No, you know what? What age? Now, for me, it's like, I've got to the point where I can't really drink properly anymore. So like, that is it. But that was from seven. You were going to say, what's the point, weren't you? Yeah, it's going down, isn't it? So like, now, it's like, we'll just see where life goes. It's only, it might get better for a bit and then it'll get fucking shit. So what was the meaning of life? Enjoy it while you're young.

1:22:35Don't touch me. Sorry. No And how old Would you have to be Until you're not young anymore I would say If anyone's listening to this In like Secondary school Enjoy those That is actually The best years of your life Everyone tells you That they are And as a kid You go That's bullshit That's bullshit But actually I would kill To go back to school For a day Would you Yeah It's so fun I hated school I would never go back I would never ever Go back Even for one day Yeah Yeah What's wrong with that Do you live in God? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. That's another thing you would never guess. He is a super religious guy.

1:23:12Yeah, it's on my arm. I would never, ever. My mum gave me this when I was 16. Because he lives the life of Satan. You know why I don't like talking about it? Because I actually think I'm a bad Christian. That's why. So I don't like to promote it as if I'm this perfect person because I'm not. Yeah. I've never seen a reverend stick a cigarette in their cock. Not been to the right church. I'm done.

1:23:43Jack makes happy hour.

1:24:04bowl, maple glazed salmon plate, and roasted bacon Brussels side. The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen, featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app.