647 - Alfie’s Amazing Indraviduals 5!

24:34Jaack Maate:Tiny pen. Yeah, also you've got to give respect to the pen there. That's doing a lot of the work. Yeah, yeah. Or pencil. Don't know why I said that as if I was like... Yeah, you're going to run a pen. Or pen, yeah. the human cyborg bloke with an antenna embedded in his skull yeah he was one that we weren't too sure if we should let in but I think that episode he might have been the only one to get in and we had to let someone in he looks like Gareth of the office with like a bedside light on his head that's why we liked him he's an angler fish if Gareth was an angler fish and then I have two from last episode I can't give you too much info by the way part of this is that I really don't research a lot so it says here hardestest geezer bloke who ran loads he couldn't get cramp oh yeah he had a lactic acid thing so he could just run forever yeah and then some bloke a bloke who's really good at maths maths yeah he was class was that the Asian fella that could press the button and do maths like super quick so it'd come up like yeah yes yeah yeah good lad good lad yeah the names are impeccable yeah yeah we need we need 13 more yeah we've got some names here yeah Okay, give us the platform.

25:44Some of these I fear may be a little close to the bone. Okay.

25:49Jaack Maate:At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not in network. Press 1 for more options. You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months. But ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc, ready to be seen? I am not, like a lot of people say, this is not one of them horrible freak books, all right?

26:25What do you mean? What? You know, like, I don't know, I used to have this book of like people's deaths. Did you ever have that? Okay. And it was like some guy impaled on a fence. The Darwin Awards? It was like that in a book. It was grotesque. This is educational.

26:40Jaack Maate:It's a good thing for a kid to have that. Yeah. This is educational. Imagine him. No, I know. I'm thinking of it now. He's reading murders in a book and sticking his bogeys. No, they weren't. It explains a lot though, doesn't it? They weren't murders. Right. One was, well, you know what? It was a horrible book. Okay. I'm not making a horrible book. Who bought it for you? This is an, I can't, can we stop digging into this book? This is more like Ripley's, believe it or not. Yes, we said that last time and it's, we love the people in this. We're not making fun of them. Some of them we don't, but like double dick dude.

27:12Jaack Maate:I think he's actually meant to be a bit of a twat. But not because of his two dicks. No, no, we're not saying, oh, you look different, therefore you are a freak. We're saying you're a freak and you happen to have two knobs. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Okay, come on. Bring us the first one. Yeah. Oh, if you want to listen to the jingle, that's in the first episode. No. Come on. I don't have the beat. Alfie, I feel like you're the one who doesn't want to be doing these individuals. We'll cut the jingle in. Cut the jingle in, yeah. This is the jingle.

28:09How am I not Indra Vigil? I'm Indra Book. Telling people special abilities on every page. Just look. Turning the page. I'm bloody amazed. God, this is so damn good. So much information. Educating, but entertaining too. Okay. Number one. Nomination. Hold on. Sorry. The jingle. You do that at the end of every one. Oh, right. No, that's not the jingle. That's the catchphrase.

28:34Jaack Maate:He's going incredible. Yeah, but he did it over a beat. Do you have the beat for that bit? I have no beat. Stop complicating it. No, I'm just saying he's not... I'm trying to streamline this. Yeah. And at the minute, it's very messy. The whole episode has been messy. Yeah. These are classics. Yeah. Just let me do my thing, mate. This is what I do. Yeah. This is what I do. What you do involves a beat and you've not got it. Oh, fuck off, Steve. I'm just going to go, how am I not Indra Vigil? And then you say either... He's Indra Burke. Or she. Or just say Indra Burke. They're Indra Burke. Yeah. Or they're not Indra Burke.

29:08just indra book or not indra book i'm gonna move on you don't have to mouth it i'm moving on let's just get it right if we're gonna do it let's do it properly right number one we had human i just need to connect to the wi-fi why they're on your notes aren't they i have articles linked okay because what the mistake i made last time was at about 30 pages because i copied and pasted everything in I agree to the terms and conditions we're streamlining starting now I've got a new fan of respect for you had the human Iborg no sorry

29:48Jaack Maate:you've ruined it you've ruined it oh my god it's gonna be something to advise you had the human cyborg now here's the human don't interrupt me I'm streamlining this we've cut my mistake we really trust that you've done that we now have the human eyeball didn't see that coming didn't see that coming with my eye so in May Rob Spence was at a Toronto restaurant with his brother-in-law and his wife May this year what? 2017 2017 last year 2017 okay there we go in May 2017 Rob Spence was at Toronto restaurant got that got that with his brother-in-law and his wife so he is married he's with his brother-in-law and his wife so what would that be to me?

30:34her brother me, Ali, Ali's brother no, no, no we don't need to know about you no, but I'm trying to in my head put myself in his shoes the listeners are doing that yeah, they're doing that already when they heard it a server turned to the 44 year old filmmaker to ask for his order what stared back at her was a man with a glowing red right eye like the Terminator have you seen that? yeah That's in the article. That's not my own comparison. According to Spence, the server visibly struggled not to look at him or say anything about his glowing cyborg eye and simply asked, what would you like to order, sir?

31:14That's professional. Honestly, I'm looking at the picture now. This guy is so class.

31:20Jaack Maate:What is it? Has he got like a rash in his eye? He's got a red eye. Oh, that's what they used to call it. Red up pink eye. If you think for a second this is him having pink eye, it's going to blow your bloody minds. Okay, I'm kidding. You're saying like it's the actual iris is red. Oh. The camera-equipped eye recorded his brief interaction with the server. As Spence demonstrated his cyborg eye to his dinner companions. He's got an actual camera inside his eye. So this guy is a filmmaker. Who lost his eye. I'll show you why, but basically he lost his eye from like a gunshot wound. He's doing too much.

32:05And he's replaced his eye with an eye-looking cunt. Get meta Ray-Bans, you cunt. Do you want to see him? Yeah. But he hasn't got an eye to see out of. Bang.

32:18Jaack Maate:I feel like that's unnecessary. Four. Eyeborg. iborg is a good name he calls himself that and he has a company called iborg he's trying to shift these he's trying to flog them that is a good name but oh couldn't he make it look not like that it looks like when my granddad is close up oh fucking hell why is the red light so intense alfie it looks like when my granddad when i was a kid would try and make me laugh and he'd put like a grape in his eye like that. He'd go, right? Yeah. Like that. Like Mad Eye Moody. Yeah. Yeah. Just get some Meta Ray-Bans. No, but this was 2017. Yeah, they were probably out then.

33:01We didn't have the tech and that.

33:03Jaack Maate:Didn't have the tech for glasses cameras, but we have that. He's a clever guy. Anyway, let's, don't slag him off. I don't know what's amazing about him. Spence, who lives in Ontario. Where's that? I don't know. Canada. What, you've never heard of Ontario? Whatever, whatever. The capital. calls himself Iborg, and he isn't far off, legally blind since accidentally shooting himself in the eye as a child. He came up with an idea to build a... He was a child. I was a child once. I got both eyes. Let's not go into... Jack was a child and he still got both eyes. We all make mistakes as kids. That sounds like...

33:40No. No, no, no. I didn't do anything. You touched tips. Yeah, I'm saying I made a terrible mistake as a kid. I did bogeyball and I touched tips. He shot himself in the face. We all make mistakes. And he's going in the book, is he? He came up with an idea to build a tiny camera that could fit in his right eye and record everything he saw. I feel like there's a huge breach of privacy here. He doesn't wear the camera all the time. Okay. He can only shoot a maximum of 30 minutes before the Batuu runs out of juice.

34:12So, what was the other thing I wanted to mention about this? Yeah, so he did this big interview. Get this right. People were so amazed by it. He took it off, shown them. And it aired on TV as well. The audience of around 120 people gasped and applauded by the sheer sight of it. Like he's like Steve Jobs with the new iPod. iPod? That's also quite good.

34:39Jaack Maate:That's just like that of when everyone stood up and clapped. Did they? They thought you were a nut over the fucking snookable camera in your ass. But if you're on an interview, you're getting clapped because you're there. Yeah, you walk on, they clap, yeah. There he is in his eye patch. Probably looks better. Yeah, it does look better. He looks like a movie star there. I can tell you right now, we normally need to hype these up. There's no way this fucker's getting in the book. How good's the camera? Well, it only records for 30 minutes. Yeah, what resolution? It uses an analogue rather than digital signal.

35:12Thanks to its musical transmitter, what he records can be shuttled onto another screen like a baby monitor or a TV.

35:18Jaack Maate:that's quite cool you like that don't you that is quite cool what so everything he sings on the TV yeah yeah but that's just like mirroring filming like that and having it on the TV worked with several camera makers and engineers quickly realised there was something to the idea his tech partners were excited to develop this tiny camera to fit into his eye I did eye yeah in 2008 his first eye camera was built radio frequency microtransmitter he couldn't see out of it at the start that could record others. I think now he can, yeah. He couldn't see out of it. Obviously, he doesn't have an eye. Yeah, what do you mean he couldn't see out of it?

35:55Jaack Maate:He can't see out of it. There's no eye there. Let me just see if he can... No, he can't. No, no, no, no, no. You've done your research. You're not Googling now. Yeah, I just want to see. See what? That if he can see without an eye... Yeah, no, he can't. No, he can't. No. All right, that's confirmed that. I really thought you'd like him. Could be the worst one ever. Have you started strong? No I think I think you're being harsh on this Jack You're being really Right Sorry Look at that No that looks mental Right okay So I'm judging He has got an eye in there It looks like a marble Looks like he's squeezing a marble Right Think about this Yeah you can't see out of it But if he records it onto baby monitor You can have a look later And go oh that's what my eye would have seen Yeah but his left eye can see it He's got his left eye there mate Seeing that Yeah but he's like That's what my right eye would have seen It's the same as the left eye.

36:47No, it's not. It's slightly to the right. He might think, oh, I didn't see around that corner earlier.

36:54Jaack Maate:I'm not ableist, right? So I'm judging all of these people on whether or not it's a cool thing, regardless. He says he doesn't take his disability that seriously and that he doesn't feel like a freak at the conferences. He's not a freak. Who's calling him a freak? I'm not calling him a freak. He said he can feel like one sometimes. Well, I'm sorry that he's been subject to prejudice in his past, but I'm saying it's not that cool. It looks like he's walking around with a marble in his head. Fair enough. But also, also on the freak, when he's saying that he feels like a freak, if he just had like no eye there, people probably wouldn't care as much than the big red laser eye.

37:36Jaack Maate:They're paying attention more because of what he's done. Yeah, I think the technology there is what's amazing, not him. Unless he made it. Yeah, he's the one who came up with it. Yeah, but you work with a team. You can't do everything on your own. This is an ad. It's not the beat. Streamlined. Delivery. Carry on. You like that. He streamlined this. Yeah. Skip. Two ads. I need to get YouTube premium.

38:09Jaack Maate:Is it gorillas? It's copyright. Is it? What are you doing? Human eye bug. Not Indra Burke.

38:23Okay, second. Oh, there was a Reddit Ask Me Anything and some video evidence, but I thought you're probably not asked now. Yeah, no, honestly, he's not Indra Burke. Thanks for carrying the mantle.

38:34Jaack Maate:Yeah, you were right. I could see you were a bit lost. I didn't know what was going on, mate, honestly. I can feel the panic from his side of the table, and it's making me... This one's on Wikipedia, so this is true. What was the last one that could have been made up? No, it was on Vice, actually. That's true, isn't it? Why have you just clarified that? This was sent in by a listener. I've called this one, maybe you could think of a better name. I've called him What A Tosser. Okay. Or What A Tosser. What? Well, that's the same thing. Hey, man, big fan of the pod. I've been listening for years.

39:12Your individual series one is one of my favourites, and I found an interesting individual for you. So on the weird side, however, you did have the world's longest poo ever. Wondered who has the longest wank? Probably not, but here it is anyway. A Japanese man named Masanobu Sato set a world record for the longest solo masturbation session, lasting nine hours and 58 minutes. And at the ninth annual Masturbate-a-thon in 2009, 2009, he had previously held the record in 2008 with a time of nine hours and 33 minutes. Fuck me. So he's done an extra 25 minutes. Jesus Christ. I'd love to know the rules.

39:56What? I'd love to know the rules. I'd love to know the link. I've got here a Wikipedia. You do like gay porn. Let me read the article, a bit more information about him. Then I've actually got, I've researched the Masturbate-a-thon as well. We can learn about that.

40:14Jaack Maate:That as a whole convention could be in the book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, meet Masanobu Sato, a world record holder for masturbation. It all started in 1998 when an adult shop in San Francisco launched Masturbation Month, which was followed in 2006 by Europe's first Masturbate-a-thon. The event went without much fanfare until 2009 when he stepped forward and spent more time getting to know himself than any other human on Earth. Doing so at the centre of sex and culture in San Francisco, he spent a ridiculous 9 hours and 58 minutes pleasuring himself, which broke his previous record of 9 hours, 33 minutes.

41:00I don't think he is pleasuring himself, is he? He's not getting pleasure out of that.

41:02Jaack Maate:He's not doing the cum, is he? Well, should we hear from the bloke himself? What, you got a sound bite? I've got a picture of him. It might be a video. I was just going to read out what he said. Surely you know him. Look at him. It's always the ones you would never think. Isn't it? What were you thinking? He looks like a very missionary, like, I don't know. He looks like someone who probably works in IT. Wanking a lot. Does he? Yeah. oh see I've got it all wrong I would have thought what you think people who work at ISA are shaggers no they're like god look there he is with a rubber glove what's that you wouldn't tell people would you well he's doing it at part of an event he's like come and see the great what a tosser so he said my abundant imagination was a key to my triumph firstly secondly I trained a lot in Japan From the time I won first prize last year, I swam twice a week and gained about five kilograms in muscle weight.

42:06That helped me a lot too in terms of stamina. You've got to think, your forearm is going to be aching a lot. That's impressive actually. Thirdly, the variety of sensations each Tenga gave me. Each what? I don't know what that means, Tenga.

42:22Jaack Maate:Don't know. I'll get you to let it. how have we gone from a man who's literally a cyborg to a guy it's a company oh japanese male masturbation aids might have been that rubber glove right right right um oh so it gives you a variety maybe some sort of flashlight right um it was ideal for long masturbation without the a variety of sensations on my dick um without sorry i've misquoted him without the variety of sensations comma my dick would feel the same sensation for a long time i used as many as 10 different ones so that my dick avoids being paralyzed when are you gonna get paralyzed despite the feet several years ago the bloke hasn't shield away from the spotlight and runs an instagram account called masturbation although his follower account is pretty low at just 421 maybe happy hour listeners we can do you know what actually maybe i won't promote that no if you're over the age of 18 what's his instagram just masturbation he said no way has he got that handle but who else wants that i feel like it's not very good for the algorithm masturbation right hang on accounts can't even find it that's probably why you can't get followers yeah you can't find it mate you can't find it flobby masturbation club what am I saying here then it's probably on your FE page

44:01Jaack Maate:can't find it no no this is exciting though I thought this could be a thing what was that What was that? I really want to know what it was because that was your for you page. It was shit. It was shit. Random video. It was shit. It's just two men hanging out. So, he seems to spend this life in kickboxing while also celebrating. What do you think is on April the 4th? Wank day? Foreskin day. Oh, hello. It's nice, isn't it? Wow. It's coming up soon. Pardon the pun. It sounds like he's not coming up. No, maybe that could be a thing, I thought. Because it's 4-4, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Fourth of the fourth.

44:41Jaack Maate:So let's dissect this guy a little bit. Is the impressive thing that he's just keeping an erection that long rather than doing a long wank? It's all very impressive. I want to know when he... Well, look, you've got keeping it up for that long, his arm going for that long, and also when he stops, when he breaks the record and he's like, nine and a half hours. Is he then going, yeah, I'm going to come now? Or does he go, I'm done then? I can't imagine it's just fucking a corner of a day. That's what I mean. And then also, does he hit nine and a half hours, break the record, and he wants to hit 10 hours, but he's like, I can't anymore.

45:23Jaack Maate:I reckon he's broke the record, and that's the confetti. I've done it. He's got too excited. He wants to break 10 hours. When do you think his next one is just at home after that? fuck me a few months later yeah feels like work probably imagine the the friction burn no I want to know I want to know the rules like how much effort has he got well do you want to look into the actual masturbate-a-thon or are we done yeah tell us a little bit about that I'd love to because I'm on the fence for this one at the moment what whether you're going to go or not leave the studio yeah yeah oh do you know what you're going to you're going to feel bad because it's got quite a nice opening message, this.

46:06Yeah? The Masturbate-a-thon is an event which participants masturbate to raise money for charity and increase the public awareness and dispel the shame and taboos that exist around this form of sexual activity.

46:19Jaack Maate:I think that's a load of shit. That is a load of shit. People just doing... They raised$25 ,000 for women's health initiatives and HIV prevention. I think it's just weirdos doing weird things and going, by the way, we're also going to help AIDS. like Lad Baby raised loads of money for charity yeah they're still fucking rank aren't they I'd rather go to Wankathon than to a Lad Baby gig do they do gigs the event awards several honours for those who raise the most money as well as for multiple orgasms and insurance what so there's different categories oh so you can also get how many times can you ah is that what you do each time ah he's a lucky girl ah ah you seem to have come um like Yoda like Yoda yeah weird isn't it I was born in camp oh he's on my Wikipedia um oh stop pausing I'm trying to find out about all like I basically want to find out but why didn't you did he blow his beans early and then just keep going I feel like you should have collated this at the end no it's not out there the information is not out I had a good look up stop searching yeah I could tell you that um I do aka Wankfest quite a good little yeah Wankfest's fine that sounds like the kind of thing that's right up our streets as a podcast it does actually it does Jack and Stevie yeah shall we go to Wankathon yeah let's go to Wankathon it was cancelled in 2014 we both have to enter cancelled why?

47:45lack of registrations shock yeah it's booming now yeah fucking hell after Covid and all that not enough wankers they were all on a march over here keep politics out of it that could be anything as well as marches for loads of different yeah that's fine it's good though it's brawish I meant the Tommy

48:04Jaack Maate:Don't say that Shall we vote? Tommy in it fans Do you know what you're going to do yet? I think so And we'll just do it at the same time So you can do your thing What did I call him? What a tosser

48:24What a tosser Not in your book

48:29Jaack Maate:Wow You put him in. I put him in. He's got a bit about him. I think he's comfortable with himself. He'll sit up there on that stage. Yeah, no, I rate that because I couldn't do it. No, I think... Even for a minute, I wouldn't be doing that. I think he's embracing himself. I think if we're putting double dick dude in the book... That's a fair point. We need to put single dick dude who can do as much with one as double dick dude can do with two. Do you think double dick dude does like that? Or do you think he's like skiing? Let's not go over old ground. Just thinking about... He has a Reddit AMA.

49:05He has a Reddit AMA.

49:06Jaack Maate:Who, this fella? No, he's quite elusive. We just didn't think about him wanking, but I'm intrigued to know if he's doing it like milking a cow or like skiing. Please stop doing wanking motions right next to my head, please. Do you want him in then, yeah? I'm not bothered, Stevie. I don't care either. Whatever you want. Whatever you guys want. I think we put him in. You're right. If Double Dick dude's in there, nine hour wank man. All right. What a tosser. It's chapter eight. it's good isn't it no it's not a kids book Jesus Christ okay right we're flying we're cooking on camp cool we're cooking on camp do we need a break from bodily stuff this episode yeah go on do you want a little break yeah um you sure yeah okay because I really want to do um so this one no no this one's this one's pretty sensible uh this guy I called David Letterman.

50:00David Letterman. Okay. Do you know who David Letterman is? Yeah. But I'm calling this guy David Letter space man. Is his name David?

50:09Jaack Maate:Can I guess? Is he one of these? Nigel. Nigel Letterman. No, Nigel Richards. Tell us more.

50:19So.

50:21Jaack Maate:There is so much NFL on ESPN right now. Monday Night Football. Plus pregame and postgame. NFL Live, NFL Primetime. Everything you need to stay on top of every game, every week. Unbelievable. And now, NFL Network is on the ESPN app. More football, more coverage, more ways to watch. Football's on, all season long, on ESPN and streaming on the ESPN app. At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not a network. Press 1 for more options.

51:06You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months.

51:10Jaack Maate:But ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc, ready to be seen? This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.

51:52I'm trying to think. there's like a really good summary on instagram on like different slides maybe i could read that then we'll go into more detail okay he's like don't look at him no i'm you're adding too much

52:04Jaack Maate:fluff oh can we take a guess i think he's one of these guys that have got that kind of um typeface thing where they can write each font out oh memory i was thinking like a man that's that's like licked the most amount of letters in an hour or something that would be good yeah if there is somewhere out there that does that. Well, that is better than these kids that can draw every font by memory. Yeah, but that grabs me. Do you know what I mean? What, licking letters? Why is he licking these letters? Licking letters? Loads of kids do that these days. You see it on Instagram all the time. Does he have two tongues?

52:32Jaack Maate:I don't know. Well, then if he had two tongues, I think the main attraction is the two tongues, not the licking of the letters. Carry on, mate. He, well, he's basically the best Scrabble player of all time. what makes him so good you're now thinking oh he's like an old grandad listen to this you ignorant fools I didn't say anything we're letting you talk mate man who doesn't speak French won the French Scrabble Championship by memorising the entire French dictionary ok the Scrabble feels like a very small part of it he looks exactly as you'd expect what that's not a real face Hell yeah. That's not a real face.

53:16Jaack Maate:That looks like a mask. Nah, man. It looks like a guy who's been down a Chilean mine for 12 years. Yeah, and just played Scrabble. What? Let's see again. Here's another one of him. He looks a bit more chill there, to be fair. Right, so let me get this straight. So this guy does not speak French, but has memorized the French dictionary so that he can play Scrabble in French. He basically was winning the Scrabble Championship so much he's gone to France and Spain. so he's just got a mad photographic memory let's see in 2015 he won the french scrabble championship he did it without speaking a word of french he still can't he can't speak a word of french well he can say bonjour memorize the entire french scrabble dictionary in nine weeks no we can't say bonjour he can say bonjour he's a fucking idiot though he can't say bonjour i'd also argue if you've memorized the words but not what they meant yeah i think if you've memorized the whole dictionary you know how to say every word in that dictionary yeah you might not be able to speak french in terms of like putting the words in the right order for a sentence yeah but if someone goes chat it'll go yeah chat yeah or flower i'm sure he knows basic french you said he can't speak a word of it get your fucking facts right here yeah i can't speak a word of french i know what fucking cat is mate well i'd just be going around saying cat all the time what's cat chat or something i don't know i'm actually not like my garden yeah in 2024 he did it again this time in Spanish.

54:41Yep. That's, that's, alright. You already let that one slip a minute ago, don't you? Yeah, but I didn't tell you we won, did I? Well, we guessed. Comes from New Zealand, greatest scrabble player of all time. World champion in 2007, 2011, 2013, 2018, 2019. Why is he not winning every single time? Done the 2015 in France. Great question. Probably not entering. Why was he not entering?

55:04Jaack Maate:So he did the 2015 in France, there's your gap there. What, what, so he did 2015 2014 and 2016, he won? He won in 2007, 2011. Okay, so 8, 9, 10 missing. What are you doing in 8, 9? 2013, 2018, 2019. We know he's done 24 and... What was he doing in 2009? Watching Smosh. What was he doing? Great reference. Thank you. There's no chance. Do you remember the food battles? Yes. They were brilliant. They were brilliant. He can't. He can't. You remember him? He was brilliant as well. Another great creator. Yeah. He can't be this good and not just win it every year. He obviously has just taken some time off because he's so fucking good and he doesn't want to flex on people.

55:48I think that's it. I think that's it. Okay, I think arguably... Worked at a post office. Didn't go to uni even though he got a scholarship. Went to work at the post office. Yeah, went to work at the post office.

55:59Jaack Maate:He loves letters, doesn't he? Yeah, I think about the bloody names, mate. Yeah. What do you think his favourite food is? Lettuce? Yeah, that's good. I can't think of anything better than that. Alphabets spaghetti? That's better. That's way better. How's that better? Because it's actual physical letters. Letters? Well done. Letters. It sounds like... No, that's so much better. Phenonically, that sounds perfect. Phenetically. No, but alphabet is spaghetti. It's literally little letters of spaghetti. Yeah, I'll set you up. You just put it in. Oh, actually, sorry. Sorry. Other wins. Right on my notes.

56:28This is what he was doing. This is what he was doing. So he's 15-time Thailand International Kings Cup winner. 99, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2004, 2006, 2007, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16. Thailand? Yeah. And then three-time Thailand international second place. So he has come second. He says here he came second and first in 1999. Singapore Scrabble Championships. He's entering 10-time UK winner. He's come over here and done it. 2008, 2010, 11, 12, 13, 13. Is he just showing off a little bit?

57:00Jaack Maate:Do you know what I mean? No, it's his passion. If you're that good and you're going to win. If you go into something knowing you're going to win every time and there's money involved, you're doing it, aren't you? Yeah. It's his passion. I guess the guy, the wanker, what a tosser. I bet he's showing off. Yeah, he is. Double Dick, dude. Yeah. Was the biggest show off. Was he? Yeah. Releasing books and like saying that he slept with over a thousand women. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if he slept with 500 women, but he's counting as two. Yeah. I don't know. Right. This is tough. I think it is impressive to read.

57:29Jaack Maate:No, that is mad. Yeah. It's a bit like Nick Muhammad. it he can memorize a deck of cards after one look it's nothing this guy has won about a hundred scrabble competitions at the highest level it's not like memorizing a deck of cards if you knew you could nothing like that if you knew you could memorize a whole dictionary yeah would your brain go i'm gonna be classed at scrabble now or would you well i don't even know if i know what to do with his grandma as a kid so he loves the game i'd go pick a word they'd go pule i'd go page 391 but how are you getting money out of that he's really monetised I'd go round all the Wetherspoons in England and I'd find somebody like halfway through a purple rain and go hey I bet you're a fiver he's memorising the Scrabble dictionary not the normal dictionary he's memorising the Scrabble dictionary oh yeah but isn't that just as big as the how big is the Scrabble dictionary this is an important thing we've stumbled upon I don't know it's just going to be the normal dictionary surely you can get scores for every word what can you Yeah, but I reckon he's memorised also what to play for maximum score and stuff like that.

58:33Jaack Maate:So really he's just memorising the best words? No, he's done the whole thing, surely. Check words in the Scrabble dictionary. The Scrabble dictionary is usually between 15 to 18 pages long. Not as impressive. You try it then. Can you find out... It took him nine weeks. Do you know what his ability... Even you're not liking it. Fucking hell, son. Can you tell us what his ability is called? Huh? Can you tell us what his ability is called? Just fucking well good at Scrabble ability, mate. But does it not say the reason he can do this is because... He's just a clever guy. He's just a good Scrabble player, Stevie.

59:11Do you ask why Messi's good at football? No, he's just good at football. He's probably got a good memory. We good?

59:21Jaack Maate:How many words are there in an average Scrabble dictionary? ah good question the number can vary depending on which dictionary you're looking at but a typical official scrabble dictionary like the one used by the north american scrabble players association has around a hundred thousand to 120 000 okay very impressive that's pretty good actually isn't it that's pretty good isn't it that's pretty i don't know that many words yeah that's in my own language that is no that's insane and he's done that over four or five different countries as well he's He's done 120 ,000 words in nine weeks. He's done it for three languages.

59:54English, Spanish, French. I thought you said he'd won in Thailand. Yeah, they're just competitions over there. Okay, I'm ready to vote. What competitions? There's like Scrabble competitions all over the world. Oh, they're doing it in English. I bet he's banging at words with friends. Yeah. Wordle probably a really good player, yeah. Fuck me.

1:00:11Jaack Maate:I bet he gets that in like two goes every day. Probably a really good player, yeah. Right, okay, I'm ready to vote. Yeah, I think I am. I'm sick of the fucking jingle. What did I call him again? David Letterman. That's a good name. He's not called David, so it doesn't make sense. David Letterman. Not Indra Burke. What? Oh my God. Mate, 100 ,000 words memorised and he's winning. I love the cocks. You love the cocks. You only put cocks in. You do love the cocks. You only put cock in. And we're not going back to the earlier chat, but it's... I just don't know if he's flexing too much. What? So is Manu's wanking for nine hours To be fair He's done none of these articles Apparently he doesn't do interviews Because he's so shy Alright he's Indrabook Nah I'm not doing it on personality Do you rate his ability or not?

1:00:59I do

1:00:59Jaack Maate:I think it's incredible I think the guy Who had the long wank I think he's humble with it Okay Well so he doesn't even do it Would you like it If he plays Scrabble with his knob out? Yeah There we go He's straight in Indrabook Front and centre Is he in? Yeah he's Indrabook He's Indrabook But we do need to change his name Because his name's not David If his name was David David Letterman's great What's his first name Richard? Nigel Nigel Nigel Letterman That's rubbish I'm not doing that Couldn't you have done something with Scrabble I'm not publishing that His name's David Letterman Couldn't you have done something with Scrabble Yeah Scrabble I just think David Letterman Alright What I've kind of sprung to me And it's my book at the end of the day Like you're deciding what goes in I'm writing this thing Yeah okay Right David Letterman I actually really hope we never get to 20 Because I can't be arsed to write it you're writing as you go on on David Letterman no it needs to do more research fuck me right so human eyeborg we've done didn't even want to look at the video evidence that's gone what a tosser we've done do you want should we go back to fluid what why are you smirking just the names I'll tell you the names just tell me what one you want alright do you want far to shit miss yes no no yes yeah Yeah, that's fine.

1:02:17Jaack Maate:Don't ruin another one because we know we want far to ship. So this is... The guy who's been leaving his presence on Stevie's doorstep. God damn. Wanker. Who I want to put in here is not the person affected. The person this article is about. You'll see what I mean. Right. Okay. Woman suffers seven year infection after boyfriend farted in her face. An Australian woman has fallen victim to what might be described as the most vindictive biological attack in relationship history. Christine Connell endured years of persistent facial pain before finally discovering the cause. Her boyfriend's fart. Turned out, after a nose swab, she had been suffering as a result of E.

1:03:00coli bacteria getting lodged in her sinuses. A surprising location for a germ normally found in the gut. What are we putting in here, Alfie?

1:03:13Jaack Maate:The sheer veracity of his fart. Play the jingle. Medical professionals were initially baffled by how faecal bacteria could travel through the air to infect her sinuses. They now believe they found the source. A hotel room incident following ankle surgery when her boyfriend farted in close proximity while she was bedridden and vulnerable. Let's hear from her. because I think she deserves that. So when you fart, are you spraying poo particles everywhere? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. You usually don't get... This is her. You usually don't get E. coli in your sinuses because E. coli is from poop. How does that get in your sinuses unless you have a boyfriend who farts disgustingly and you are forced to inhale it because you are immobile after ankle surgery?

1:04:05Because of what? What? You are immobile after ankle surgery. She couldn't get away, Stevie.

1:04:10Jaack Maate:So he's just farting in her face. Yeah. Are they still together? Because if they are, she must fucking love him. I realised that my ex-boyfriend got the best possible breakup revenge that anyone could ever get. I've had a persistent sinus infection ever since. Why has she gone to the news? You don't tell anyone that. Yeah. This is Metro. That makes sense. That's what I'm saying though. You don't tell anyone. You just go, oh fuck, I've been ill. Is this a British couple? It's Metro, so I'd imagine so What does that mean, mate? Can I see a picture of her? I don't know, I can just imagine her being like Hi, can I get a latte please?

1:04:48What? Can I get a nice latte please? Just one shot Can't you imagine that?

1:04:54Jaack Maate:What are you doing? You're weird She looks like a woman She looks actually quite nice Like a nice human being And she's got shitty eyes Can't believe it You could have called this Shittaya Twain Why would he have? Or Shittaya Payne Why would he have? What? That doesn't even make sense Only problem is That is wet again Why are you nervous? Oh my god He just shook hands with a guest And Wet You didn't dry them After being told you have wet hands You didn't dry them I'm always wiping them on my trousers I don't even get the Shittaya Twain thing Shittaya Payne the comments are good what's that got to do the comments from who just like because you can get comments on Metro there's always like he's on our fucking Reddit this guy another attention seeker who gives a toss oh my god fuck off mate I will agree Donald Trump Donald Trump's comment I'm trying to talk about other names right anyway there's a big glaring obvious question we haven't asked here isn't there yeah please why has Alfie brought this among his list of incredible individuals.

1:06:08Jaack Maate:Could your fart do that? Probably. Could it? Probably. I don't know. Seven years. Yeah, but I think the issue is, I don't think the fart is that putrid. I think just a particle's got where it shouldn't have got. So it's an accurate fart. It's a miraculous fart in terms of just the sheer decimation it caused. It's a very important fart. Is she all right now, though? what actually happened to her. I mean, she's doing articles with the Metro. She's fine. She's getting pictures and everything. Probably got 50 quid for that. Probably, yeah. I wouldn't want to be in the Metro as the woman who's been farted in my face.

1:06:43Jaack Maate:No, I know. I know. Do you think he reads that and laughs? Yeah. If they're split up, he'll be like, I had the last laugh. I would never do that. I had the last fart. I would never do that to Ali. No, because you're respectful to me. No, I wouldn't. I can kind of imagine you. No, I wouldn't. When you're poo-bearing. I love her.

1:07:04Yeah, that's good as well. That's terrible. You're being polite. No, Leonardo DiCaprio. You're being polite. But all of them are shit.

1:07:10Jaack Maate:Right, we need to fucking get to the jingle. Yeah, Fata Shitmas is the best one. That is honestly the worst. Fata Shitmas was a good name. Sometimes I think of a good name and I'm like, well, I've got to make one up.

1:07:24Fata Shitmas. Not Indra book.

1:07:27Jaack Maate:No chance. Is that ever getting anywhere near this book? This book is full of credible, amazing people. Yeah, that's mentally you've brought that one to. You should be actually embarrassed. Did someone send you that? Yeah. Yeah, it's shit. Well, yeah, whoever sent that to Alfie, you should be ashamed. They've missed the mark. They've missed the MO on this. One more, Alfie. Let's have one more. And this better get in the book. Do you want... Is there two options? One of them is a bit deep because it gets a bit serious and that. But it's interesting. Do you think it could make it... Give us the one you think out of these that's going to get in the book.

1:08:01Jaack Maate:Yeah. And also think about... which I do think is going to get in the book, but there's another one about a willy. And that's just my Sophie's choice, unfortunately. I'll tell you something now, right? There's nine in the book, yeah? 20 is the max. This is the centrefold of the book. This is number 10. I don't know. This is getting a two-page spread. The willy one's great. Let's have the willy one. I feel that he is doing a good thing, do you know what I mean? Yep, fair enough. It's a lot of mental health involved, and I don't want to take the mick. we're too we're past that yeah we're way past that oh this is so recent we're laughing at all these individuals yeah we've we've done we mate we've done gay porn sorry there's a reason I can't do the there's a reason I can't do the willy one why have you put it up down then I've literally just realised what there's a boy on this morning recently that has he thinks he has the smallest penis in the world it's the size of a garden pea introvert but he is he is going on there to raise awareness because his mental health do you know what I mean he's trying to help people when you say boy oh he's 38 man

1:09:18Jaack Maate:not even one of your five can you bleep this next thing I'm going to say why I can't do it because I'm not sure if this is liable or if it's even true go on please bleep this I will we will

1:09:33How would you know? Because there was an article about it. No, I meant how would they know that's what they got. Zoom in. I don't know. But anyway, he's apologised. I just don't know if it's right. What is happening? Maybe this is what I... Because also, they're like saying it's really important you're here. Because he's obviously been through the fucking ringer in his life. Yeah. I don't know why you're laughing. because you suffer with a similar condition. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dean Willie. His is like a baby carrot. Sonny told me about Dean Willie. He's a Dean? Yeah. Why is he telling you? Because he can speak openly.

1:10:14He's just trying to chat like this guy. You've just said the blokes got a pee for a Willie. Garden pee. Garden pee. And now you compare it to me. Garden pees, I think, are bigger than your frozen pee.

1:10:30Jaack Maate:shall we say not introvert and do the last one I can't do it to the boat but he's also it is a very interesting interview if anyone wants to see it because he's not see it but see the interview but because he is taught he cannot have sex it is a disability at the end of the day people with micro penises I've googled this if it's anything less than like five centimetres or something like that that's that's classed as a micro penis and you can therefore not have sex he wants men to feel better about their bodies that's why he went on you would feel better if you had a five centimetre penis and saw him on there you would think fucking thank god I'm hung no are you he just makes the cut if he gets his pee out I'm going I'll take a baby carrot the average UK don't call it his pee the average UK penis size is 5.2 inches.

1:11:27Fuck. What do you reckon to that? Fair play. That's average. That's including garden peas. Do the song. Do the song. No, because we don't know about him. I'm not putting him... No, do the song. He's not going in my book. Do the song. You've got to do the song. You're brought it to the table, do the song. What do I call him? Garden... I can't call him garden pea. That's just the... Garden penis. Garden pea. No, I'm not... That's disrespectful. They said... The only reason I got garden pee was because that is in the YouTube description. Yeah, exactly. So that's fine. Yeah, garden pee. Say garden pee.

1:11:59Garden pee, Vic. Man with a serious condition with his penis, which makes it the size of a garden pee. Not in your book. Respect.

1:12:09Jaack Maate:Is that good? He'd want to be in the book, wouldn't he? He'd want to be showcasing this. No, that's... It's too serious to go in my book. Why did you bring it in, though? I'll be honest. I just wanted to talk about it. A bit. You just wanted to compare them to me, didn't you? That's the whole reason you've done that. Okay, let's do the last one and see if we can get it in. Oh, last one. Let's see if we can get that big boy 10. There's this one here which I think is amazing. I call him my driller. Okay. Yeah. Video evidence of this as well. Okay, yeah, let's do it. The tabs I have open right now are fucking cursed.

1:12:51Probably still not as bad as Jack's. They are so... Okay. So, monk who needs meditation like a hole in the head. I thought, brilliant article. You don't know what it is yet, but that's a very good... Yeah. That's a phrase. This guy basically is a Kung Fu master and he has the thickest skin in the world and he puts a drill in his face and nothing happens.

1:13:18Jaack Maate:What? This is amazing.

1:13:23Jaack Maate:So many people have switched off. And you save that to the end. My Driller. Spread the jingle. Oh my... What? That can't go through his skin. Mate, look how hard he's pressing it. Do you want to see a video? Yes. Yeah, obviously. In what world... I wanted to see the nine hour wank. Do you think I'm going to say no to my Driller? Look at this guy. First of all, starts smacking his own head with a sword. Or whatever. Don't try this at home, by the way. This guy's superhuman. I don't think that's that impressive. He's bent a piece of metal with his head. Yeah. Yeah, sorry, when I say a sword, it's not the sharp bit.

1:13:57Jaack Maate:Nothing can pierce this ultimate Shaolin Kung Fu master. Yeah. What does he do next? How did you find that out? Me? No, look, how did he find out? His skin doesn't even look back. Look at this. Someone else is pushing it in and then turning the drill on. And he's going, ah! So, yeah, they're pressing that drill against his skull. What the fuck? It just left a small red mark. than that. Yeah, that is red. That is sore. That's probably his heat burn. Ripped as well, by the way. Definitely got the best body out of anyone in the book. Wow. That is mad. Yeah, how did he find that out? Oh, there he is.

1:14:33Jaack Maate:Oh God, what's he doing there? How would you use that to benefit you in day-to-day life? You'd be great as a fighter, wouldn't you? He'd be a centre-back, wouldn't he? Yeah. Yeah. He, um... I think he's... How old is he? 25? Yeah, 25. Well, he looks older. I'll be honest. He looks like he's put a lot of drills to his head. Yeah. Yeah, that's nuts. I know, sorry, that's an eyewitness. What? Why are they fucking... We've seen it, mate. It's a terrible article. What, as in the eyewitnesses, 25? Yeah. Why do I care about this? Yeah, you know what I mean? Fuck. What the fuck? Like, that's going to add any credibility to the account.

1:15:10Oh, he's 25, he can't be lying. I believe in making my body super tough. Believe it or not, I used to be quite nervous as a youngster, but now I can break stones with my head. I found it has given me lots of self-confidence he's incredible if you realise just one of the stunts he used to demonstrate his skill he can also use his super-suff skin to lie on sharpened spears without any of them piercing his body and he can bend an iron bar it wasn't a sword by pressing it between his throat and a wall so he gets that iron bar between his throat and a brick wall and it bends wow so he couldn't be strangled either he's I'd love to touch his skin would you?

1:15:47yeah We'll get him on here one day. Just have a feel of it. Brilliant, wouldn't it? Yeah. It'd be great to get some of this lot on. Yeah. Fucking hell, just have me chat to him. I'd love that. If anyone in Indra Book wants to come on, please. You'll interview him on here. Yeah. That's a little spin-off.

1:16:02Jaack Maate:Yeah. Put that behind a paywall. Fucking hell. That's good, isn't it? Think of the bunts. Right, play the jingle, Alfie. Play the jingle. That isn't copyright at all. Yeah, sorry about the copyright, guys. My Driller. Indra Book. He's in. That's ten. That's your centrefold picture. Wow, he's good as well for the centrefold. I could have him across the two pages, I'm thinking, with the drill. You've got it all planned out. That's two people with strong heads that we've put in today. Yeah, three new people in today. What a tosser. Masturbated for nine hours, 53 minutes. Yeah. 58 minutes. David Letterman.

1:16:38Yeah. Very good at Scrabble. Yeah. In three languages. And my driller, Blake, that pushes the drill into his head. Very different people. Yeah. Yeah. we've gone international as well gone international we've gone to Asia we've gone to New Zealand

1:16:53Jaack Maate:I like it I like it we're not prejudiced anyone can come in not xenophobic no matter where you're from if you've got a skill and you've not just strapped the fucking GoPro to your eye we might let you into a book that's 10 people in the book now 10 we're halfway over the next couple of years if we're still doing this we might complete the book please send in your your people as well I've got a couple I've got three more there and one was too far so I didn't include it I cannot believe one of the people you thought would fit the book is a guy who farted on his girlfriend's head. You let yourself down sometimes.

1:17:25Jaack Maate:Yeah, and that episode when he did the world's oldest poo. I do still think about that a lot. Yeah, it wasn't the world's oldest poo, it was the world's largest poo. It's outside your doorstep. This has been Jackmates Happy Hour podcast with me, Jackmates, Stevie White and Alfie with his amazing individual book. Well done, Alfie. Thank you. You can't even clap yourself, can you? No, sorry. That's arrogant.

1:17:54Jaack Maate:Jack Mates happy hour. At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not in network. Press 1 for more options. You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months. ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc, ready to be seen? This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT.

1:18:30Jaack Maate:Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans.