655 - Mr Dick’s Space Facts (Black Holes, Boners In Space, & Bird Legs Syndrome)

25:03How does that not happen to spacesuits then? How do the spacesuits not just melt? Because they're designed to go against all that. But how can humans make that? I don't get that. They're smart people. Wait, so I'm up there. If you can make things that protect you. From the sun? How much closer to the sun are you up there than down here? Also, we're talking space here. We're talking space space. May I ask a question? Yes. So one side melt. outside freeze. What if Jack put me on like a kebab skewer and span me really fast? I'm like... Oh, yeah. You'd stay in the perfect temperature. I'd get dizzy, but I'd be fine.

25:36Why have I got to put you on a kebab skewer? Because I can't do it myself, can I? Right, okay, and he's 12, so... Yeah, and also I'm talking about my lungs explode, so I can't do it. Yeah, fair. And then, eventually... What's this? I don't get any of that. That's all gone over my head massively, all of it. It's because you're 12. Yeah, that's the problem. You can just keep saying that. He's jet lagged, I'll put Bluey on in a minute, all right? And then Bluey movies. Nerd the iPad. You know what? This is like six what I'm doing. This is not 12, is it? 12 is not a million miles away from your voice.

26:08Isn't it? That was really weird. Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands you need. From athletic stuff, like a full court pick-up game, swish, to athletic stuff, like a half-mile stroll. Get those steps in. And for morning hikes up the mountain trail, good pace. It's a nighttime ghost choice from the camping chair. What a twist. Whatever level of active, Sierra loves it all. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. I want to date with Rawls, Carty says. Rawls? Rocker asks. This is the love story of real hinged couple Carty and Rocker.

26:52Written and read by me, Nicola Dinan. Listen to the free audiobook now.

27:22amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state. And then once all of this has happened, all of the moisture in your body would obviously completely go over time, and you'd just be floating endlessly, mummified, because you'd just be frozen and floating in space forever. That's quite a romantic end. Yeah? Dead? No one would ever know or see you ever again. I'd have to be melt. You'd be mummified, though, so you'd just be, because all your moisture's gone. It's not going to melt, melt. you're not going to drip away. You can't. I thought that was exactly what was happening. But burning, not melting.

27:57You fucking said melt. You're burning. I don't know. One side was frozen and the other was just dripping off me. Not dripping off. I apologise. Sorry for the misunderstanding. You shouldn't even be saying the phrase dripping off as a teacher. No. You were just talking about give and come. Don't say that either. I'm going to be complaining to the school about this. Ofsted will hear about this. That's okay. I'm only a substitute anyway. Are you? Yeah. I need to see your licence. okay let's move on from that so that's what happened if you were huh all right i just kind of fancy it's mr dick jet lag yeah that was bad very bad case of jet lag yeah i'm jet lag kelly brook as we said earlier star wars is known as a space opera with many yeah but no you you said that we didn't say that we've never heard that with many this is as boring as school you said you're interested in space stuff I'm interested yeah but not this crap because you didn't get it yeah exactly I didn't understand it well you might get this next one lock in yeah you'll get this one I want a generational lock in yeah this one's more idiot friendly yeah so you'll be fine that's hard so it's really nasty yeah it's known as a space opera with many emotional scenes and even a few tears from Anakin and Obi-Wan but do any of you know what would happen if you cried in space you just told us be boiling up am I in the suit I said if you cried in space yeah if you cried Let's say you're in the space station.

29:22You're safe. You're inside the International Space Station. What would happen if you cried? You said all liquid would be boiling hot. No, that's not if you're outside. We're inside now. We're inside the International Space Station. You're all right. We're all right. We haven't got boiling cum. You're saying gravity. You're completely safe. You're completely safe. You're on the space station. You've got to stay up there for a year. You're missing home. You start, a tear starts forming. Is it going to float off? You cry in space. Andrew Tate just calls you a little pussy bitch. Yeah. It would probably happen.

29:50It would probably happen. Missing home. Well, without gravity, tears can't stream down the face, so they just stick to your eye. They just stay there. And the tears pull and form a ball, and it would just keep growing the more you cry. That's sick, actually. And you can just see it all wobbling. It's like an animal. And then when you come down to land... Yeah! Ball of tears. You get that? Yes. You like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's sad though, isn't it? There's a video from 2013, I believe, of one of the guys in the space station trying to show you what it's like and he uses the water they've got and squirts it just here.

30:29Why didn't he just cry? He's not as sad. Okay. He's happy. He likes his job. Fair enough. He's getting to enjoy space. I hope he tears it. Show a bit about you. He says, I can't make myself cry. I'm going to do this. I'm going to go motionless. Yeah. What the fuck's happened? Comment that on the video. Yeah, he's the beast. But it's quite interesting to watch. You can just watch all this water are like fully forming over his eyes. Cool. It reminds me of an anime. You know when they cry and they go... It is like that. It just doesn't spray everywhere. Yeah, right. Just big... How big would it get then?

31:00Depends how much you can cry. Yeah. If you just didn't wipe it away for a year and you just... Every time you yawned and every time... It'd be quite bad on the eyes, wouldn't it? Yeah. It'd be terrible. We're opticians, so we could probably tell you about it. Yeah, we'll have a little debrief in a bit and we'll come back to you. You guys opticians? Yeah, we are, yeah. Wow. Good to know I won't do anything else About eyes then Good Okay we know what happens To tears without gravity But who knows Robbie I believe you do Who knows What the long term Effects of exposure To no gravity Would have on your body Shit body Really Come down There's no need to say that to him mate It's just what happened Come down To your family I don't know what came out Get a hug Bones break Wow Yeah Shit body Instant break I think you would look quite ripped because I think gravity pulls He's just got shit funny He's just got opposites Yeah well that's his guess He's not the expert Why are you laughing at your students?

31:55Yeah thank you I've been in this class You're alright mate For 58 fucking years Yeah exactly There's a reason you're still in the fucking class You think Because I eat paint Got brain damage Okay I can't see Did you say I've got a C? Can't see I was just going to see you'd pass I think Okay, go on I think You know gravity Like if you get a belly Like gravity pulls it down It hangs, doesn't it? Yeah So opposite of gravity Pushes it up Make it look like you've got pectorals You would have perky tits, wouldn't you? It's a world I want to live in What, you yourself have tits? No, just with everyone You Me?

32:35Kelly Brook You want everyone to have perky tits Wouldn't that be amazing? So if I start throwing some names out You'd be like Yeah, them, yeah, them there's not one person hey your sister not one person Jack I saw your sister the other day I want to know that was the gravity move on she edits this she's not putting this up as a clip is she she has to go through it and go is that good enough for a clip say don't worry these minutes aren't good enough for a clip. She's not going to clip this anyway. That's a real. Jack talks about his sister's perky tits. You're a teacher. Sorry. How the fuck do you get this job?

33:26Nah, he's nuts. It's like a school of rock but it's a school of cops. Thank you. Good. Good. Okay, so you think abs and perky tits. You think broken body. Shit body. 12 year old Alfie? Any input on? Nothing happens. Somehow that's the weirdest That's the shittest If you were in space With no gravity I'll just go yeah you're right It wouldn't be surprising if that was a shower No so Robbie's the most correct there So bones in Yeah

34:08Bones in the lower body Legs, hips and spine No, that's just not Sorry, I'm jet lagged It's immature I'm jet lagged Have you been? Huh? Where'd you go? I went to Ireland Australia No, you went to Scotland, didn't you? No, you've not seen That's not been filmed yet I've been to Australia What day? When did you get back? Last night Did you? Yeah, mate I picked up some of the lingo What the fuck's going on?

34:36Sorry Are you with us? Jet lagged Bones in a lower body Your legs, hips and spine would lose density at a rate of approximately 1 % to 1.5 % per month that you're up there. So if you're up there for a whole year... 365%. What? 12%. 12%. It's not looking great, is it? Without the need for standing or walking, antigravity muscles in the legs and back weaken and shrink so your muscle mass can drop by 20 % in 11 days. Fucking hell. Jesus. You've got nothing going for you. You can't do anything. All that money to Nuffield for that. Well, in the actual space station and stuff, they give them these weird exercises that they can do to kind of simulate using these muscles and stuff still.

35:26Oh, so you still have to work out when you're up there. Yeah, they've got to do like two hours a day of exercise. You'd be fine, wouldn't you, Alfie? Fucking hell. I don't know. I don't like going to the gym. I go for 25 minutes. 25 minutes? 25, 30 minutes. A day? Three times a week, four times a week. But you're still so rich. It's all you need. Is it? Why, this is... This doesn't check out. It doesn't, does it? It's all you need if you do it properly. You've been doing it for like... That's not always been your view, has it? No. Huh? You've not always been going through it. No, I feel like I've cracked it now.

35:55What do you do? You don't need to do much. Hey, this is not my lesson, guys. But if you want me to tell you, I can. Yeah, that'd be good. Yeah, that's what we're asking, yeah. Okay. I do 30-minute sessions of... Gone up already? 25. minutes okay all right takes me it is probably 25 minutes i do just compound exercises to failure and eat clean and get my steps and get my steps in and that is it that is all you need to do and get your steps in try and get try and get my steps how many steps just more just a good amount i don't really have a number on it well that what are you trying to get in there just enough to feel 7 ,000 to 10 ,000 a day.

36:41You don't wear a watch to track your steps, do you? No. I can't. How many of you are so far today? 6386. Okay. Nice. Fucking weird. That's all you need. 30 minutes, three times a week. Do it right. And eat well. Eat well. Unless you want... Not to be a bodybuilder, that's probably not enough. Just be alright. Someone's swapped out for you. Yeah. I promise you. it's been you've had 10 years no no I'm not denying that's true I just don't believe you believe that that's how I got in it's how it it's how I cracked it for me because it wasn't working me going every day loads and like forcing it and doing it so I was like let's just chill out with it and it just so you did it weren't working when you was having it and then you did it less and it worked genuinely yeah you just he's like cool chilled out for you now yeah that's so weird honestly this is not honestly guys Ever since you started banning zoots?

37:37Yeah. Ever since you came back from Australia. Ever since you came back from Australia, you've been a different man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. I don't know what's going on. So we've lost 20 % mass, 1. whatever percent per month on the lower body of your bones as well. The lack of gravity, the lack of gravity induced compression means your spine stretches. So you can come back from space. You could do that as well, couldn't you? Tell you what. you can grow about two inches taller not enough what would that make me what happened down there Dean Willie what is the Dean Willie like what's the max until you cross Dean Willie do you see what I mean no as in like say there was a scale and it was like Dean Willie Dean Willie and then there's like a turning point where you haven't got a Dean Willie anymore oh I think I need an extra 25 % yeah but what is that I don't know, extra inch and a half.

38:35On? Four and a half. Okay, so six. Why are we doing this? Yeah, that's average. So would his willy be a Dean willy back from space? Excuse me, are you letting his 12 girl say this thing about this guy's car? Honestly, we should get social workers around because something's not right in his home life if he's asking these questions in class. He's asking me the question. Yes, I know he's asking that. He's asking an old man about his mid-lays, Matt. I'm 33. Yeah, that's old to compare. That's quite old for a 12-year-old to talk to. This is not a new thing. We've had multiple conversations about this.

39:07For years. For years and years and years. How many years? Six years. Six years? You've been talking about his cock? I was 27. It was a different time. Fine, I apologise. It was a different time. Yeah, it was a different time. It was 2020. You said about perky tits, gravity. That feels like years ago. This teacher's fucking dreadful. Would men always just look like they've got boners? You're the gaffer, mate. I don't think a boner's just if it goes up a little bit. No, I know. Does your willy grow? Does your willy grow up there? No, I'm sorry. Not at all. But your spine does. So you're really tall, same size dick.

39:46That's bad. So if anything, it looks smaller. I don't need that. It looks smaller. I don't need that. Keep me here. Yeah. I'm not going. Yeah, so yeah, that can cause back pain. Gutted nass, I want me now. I have to let him down. Roughly two litres of body fluid shift from the lower body towards your head, which causes something that they call puffy face bird leg syndrome. You look like a new duo. You're like those guys at the gym, don't you? Just get the legs stuffed, don't you? It's really massive. Maybe they've just been to space. Yeah, it could be. Look like a geo dude. Yeah? Yeah. The heart doesn't have to work as hard to pump blood upwards because of the gravity, lack of gravity.

40:26So that can lead to a decrease in your heart size. because that's not having to do as much work. You're like the Grinch. Not great, exactly. Your eyeballs can be affected, opticians. Yeah, go on. You can tell me. Your eyeballs can be affected. They can. Good information. Negatively. Negatively. I think all they can become better. Yeah. You can see through walls. All they can see the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It depends what ones you get, really. Well, you can have flattening of the eyeballs, swelling of the optic disc, and hyperopics shift. Yeah, that's the worst one. Do you know what that means?

41:00That's the worst one. Yeah. I never talk about it. No, I can't. It upsets me, man. But the hyperopic shit. Yeah, I didn't talk about that. That means... You were talking about an older man's penis, but you weren't talking about... No, that is my life level. That's my role. Yeah. It means your pupils shift round to the back, so you just see it in for your... And the optic nerve comes to the front. What's that look like? What? What's the back of your head look like? It depends what you've got locked away in there. I feel it looks dark. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Because it's empty. What sort of shit, man?

41:28That's some... Flashbacks. Flashbacks. Flashbacks. Such as? My mum beat me up.

41:36So, hypropic shift just means becoming farsighted, by the way. Oh, I got the wrong one. Yeah. That's awkward. Your brain physically shifts upwards inside the skull, and that can swell. Yeah. It doesn't sound healthy or good, does it? Just trying to move on from that. And the inner ear no longer receives gravity signals, so you can have balance disorders, dizziness and a loss of sense of direction that persists even days after you return to Earth. Literally feels like jet lag. I don't know if you saw the videos of the people who came back after going around the moon. There's like videos of them trying to walk and it was just all over gaffling.

42:09They pissed. Yeah. They had puffy-faced bird legs. A little hip flask in there.

42:17What, they were just falling over in there? It takes a while to kind of get back, used to being back with normal gravity. That's what Adam Ratcliffe told us, didn't he? Radcliffe? He didn't go to space. No, he rode, didn't he? Pardon me, from New York to Southampton. Yeah, that wouldn't have been good on his legs. Can't be that hard, then. What? Can't even walk after he's done it. What? Don't worry. That means it is hard. He's jet lagged, man. Leave him alone. I'm jet lagged. Sorry. I'm jet lagged. Sorry, you're defending him now after talking about his dick. Yeah, well, he's told me that thing about his mum when I feel bad.

42:44Okay, good. You made a joke about my mum at the top of the show. I can't remember. It was not that bad. I bet it was. I'll watch it back, and then I'll take you. I'm going to move on let's talk about some more bad things that can happen in space yeah worse than living without gravity what do you guys would think if we tried to would happen if we tried to land on a gas giant like Jupiter well you can't land on gas because it's not a solid smartest thing you've said so you just float all the way through it it's like trying to land on a fart you can't do it you kind of lost the smart bit a little bit he did so well didn't he for a second but also quite true Yeah.

43:21Yeah. What does trying to land on a fart look like? Try it. It's hard. I've done it, though. Yeah. Last year. What's happening? You were 11. Isn't that right? When I was 11, yeah. It's correct that you couldn't land, yes. So don't laugh at me. Nothing to do with farts. Would you die? A lot of this is going to be way of fucking dying. So could you get in the middle of Jupiter? Get up and about it. It's unlikely you'd ever be able to get that far. but it would be but not impossible if you so there's a chance if you withstand the mad pressures and heats then yes it's feasible to go because it's gas what does it look like you stand with that mad pressure yeah well it's all just gas what would it look like I'd love to know that if you got a big industrial leaf blower and put it near Jupiter would it blow away would it blow away is it like a ghastly could you blow a tunnel through yeah should you go nah or a big hooves do you know now or are you just saying now because you don't think it No, you couldn't.

44:19The pressure's way too high. Wow, it was a really big leaf blower. Yes. Big hoover. Or a black hole. It's almost like a hoover, isn't it? We'll move over to black holes soon, don't you worry. We'll get there. So you'd enter the atmosphere, but you wouldn't be able to stop because there is still a gravitational pull. There isn't a surface, as Jack said, but it just gets thicker and thicker as you go down, like the gas would feel thicker as you go down. you'd then be hit by extreme winds and storms and the winds there can be faster than 600km per hour that would sting worse than being up the top of that tower in Latvia we went to it would be that was harsh very specific to what we felt there but yes, agreed why are you going hollow with your pupils?

45:08school trip what was the trip? school trip but just me and him twin room? bubble double bed what was the reason of the school trip? sex to learn to learn learn sex to learn how to calm okay he's jet lagged man I'm jet lagged leave the poor bloke alone I'm jet lagged the gas above you would build to an enormous weight and the pressure of the gases would start to crush you the temperature rises massively as you go deeper the core of Jupiter can be at 24 ,000 degrees Celsius which is four times hotter than the surface of the sun. I thought he was going to do like a funny joke or something then. Like in the middle of a McDonald's apple pie or something.

45:57I'm here to do some of that stuff. Yeah, add some more jokes. Make it better. Add a bit of flair. Add some flair. Just add some flair. Say the apple pie. I'm a professional. Are you? Okay, do one joke in the next one. You could have said 24 ,000 times hotter than your mum. Yeah. Okay. That's great as well. Yeah. That's really good stuff. Okay. Or your sister's perky. Yeah. Yeah. And then finally, that's really hot. And then you'd be completely crushed and melted by the heat, fully disintegrated. There'd be nothing left of you. Right. Fiona, strike Jupiter off the holiday list. Thank you. There we go.

46:30It's just like a Yarmouth again. Sorry, Fee. And Alfie, you just mentioned something there. You spoke about black holes. Let's take it a step further from Jupiter. Can anyone explain what a black hole is? My internet searches. Get it. Wait, hang on, hang on. Yeah, go on. Because this could mean a few different things and I'm going to spell them out for you. Oh, okay. I was going to see if Jack can give us a full explanation, but what do you think? Well, it could mean a black human's hole. Okay. Or it could mean he's so deep in the hole that it's dark and he's looking at deep holes. Do you see what I'm saying?

47:09Okay. I just meant arseholes. Right. there we go no matter the colour yeah I don't care yeah all assholes are black in the dark so are all asses though sounds like a fallout boy album it also kind of sounds like you're saying I'll do anyone all assholes are black in the dark so light it up fuck it up Do you know what? I'll be completely honest. I realised when I was trying to get that little immature joke in, as it was coming out of my mouth, as I said, sounds like me in that search. I got to about history and I thought that sounds racial. Okay. You got to the last sentence. I like all assholes or none.

48:00All of them in the world. What do you mean all? Just say jet lag so we can move on. All of them. Literally all of them. Every asshole. You want to go there again. Every single best asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Why send you to that? No, move on. He's jet lagged. I'm jet lagged. Jet lagged. Okay. Well, message your sister. Sometimes you need to say jet lagged quicker in the chat. Right, right. Because then you start talking about your sister's arse. I'm not talking about you. You're talking about. Do you actually know what a black hole is? Not your sister's arse on. Stop. Don't. No, but you don't.

48:35You are? No, but like, that was too far. Because that was just so direct and specific. That's all I know. A black hole is the absence of a star, and it sucks all matter within it. Okay. So aggressive. That was unnecessary, and you've lost your lid now. You're silly, don't you? You're going to pick your lid up. You are talking about... Okay. What do you mean the absence of a star? It's when a star implodes. Cool. So, black holes are forged. Cool story, Brad. It's cool. and she sees this bro and the class hears this bro I should teach her like that she's not going to shag you bro black holes are forged from the small dense cores of dead stars gold star for you thank you black holes are objects with extreme density and the amount of mass they have means that they have so much gravitational pull that even light gets trapped so you've actually smashed that I know I'm very proud of you I know my shit that was good I know my black holes That light gets trapped doesn't it?

49:43Ah my light What the fuck's that about? How can a light get trapped? You turn the lights off No there's a black hole nearby So if some light went in there now into a black hole and then the black hole's doing its thing and then years later it exploded again or whatever would the same light that went in in like 2026 come out then? So that element black holes it then goes into wormholes is a thing that hasn't been confirmed so black holes are already a hard thing to fully understand. Yeah, I can't do it. Look, black hole, you can't actually... Why are we listening to this? Stevie tells us he knows all this stuff.

50:16I read all this on NASA.com. Exactly, you've read it once and we're going, is that right? I'm just accepting everything you fucking said. Unless they've lied to me, I've got the information I've taken down. What's a wormhole then? I didn't look into it because it literally said that it's not been proven. So I was like, well, let's not go into that. Is that where you go in and you come out somewhere else? So that's the concept of a wormhole. Is that a real thing? You can do that? No, this is what they're not sure. You can do... He's thinking I can get to the studio quicker next week. I'm thinking I could have done that to Japan, not be jet-lagged.

50:42It'd be coming out with magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Last question. The light that goes into the black hole... Yes. Is it disappearing? Is it just in there? If you, like, stuck your head in the black hole, could you see the light? Oh, great. All the light. Loads of light. Good question. Inside, you'd see nothing. So the gravitational pull's so much and so dense. It's like here, we can't bend light, can we? It's not possible to bend light. You can't. Speak for yourself. Yeah. It's not possible to bend light, but we can refract light. We can change its direction. Can you bend a light if you had a laser pen and you kept flicking it?

51:14No. Good question. Yeah. Very good question. Very clever. Very clever. That's very similar to the bending a bullet thing, isn't it? Yeah. Which we know isn't possible. You said it weren't possible. Me and Alfie still think you can. Yeah. Wouldn't try since that episode. And you haven't been able to. No. You still think you can. So many innocent people. It's so big. You can't actually see a black hole because there's nothing there. But what you can see is everything. That's on some websites. What? Go on. You said you can't actually see a black eye. I said you can on some websites. Okay, good. But what you can see is everything around it.

51:45Again, you're talking just about... Not, it's not racial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just all holes. Yeah, in general. Yeah. Some of it may be black. Hmm? Hmm? Jet egg?

51:59So, let's move on. There are... I feel like I'm losing the class. So needless. So why is it Of all kinds Covered all of it Why Where's the light Going into the black hole What's happening to it Light dragged in Everything So I can't sit And wait and see the light We can't know Because it's impossible To see inside a black hole How do we know It's there If you can't see it This is what I just Explained Everything around it You can see That it completely Bends light around it Right I'll give you more Explanation about What it would be like To fall into a black hole In a second So if you put a laser pen into a black hole.

52:38Just a bit. So the light goes round it. So light can go round. The light doesn't go in it. There's a point in which it all goes in, but some of it, where the gravitation isn't as strong, they're around. So no one's ever snapped a picky of a black hole. Impossible. And some would. You see, you can see it's there from a, it's a really weird thing. It doesn't really make sense. Right. Can you show us? Okay, you don't know. Yeah. Well, it was, The best joke you could possibly do now, Stevie, is to show us a picture of an arsehole. Your arsehole. If you'd preempted all of this and it is you squatting down and it's your arsehole, you are the greatest comedian of our generation.

53:24Yeah, yeah. So... Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands you need. From athletic stuff, like a full-court pickup game, SWISH! to athletic stuff like a half mile stroll get those steps in and for morning hikes up the mountain trail good pace it's a nighttime ghost choice from the camping chair what a twist whatever level of active sierra loves it all head to sierra or sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all from athletic to athletic sierra's got it you want to impress them on a first date, but also play it cool. So what do you do? I'm Rufy Thorpe, and I wrote and read a real love story about a hinged couple that navigated exactly that.

54:10Listen to the free audiobook now. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling? Smart move. Another smart move? Getting help from one of State Farm's 19 ,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling, just another way to save with the personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. So the only image of a black hole is just that. That's a white hole. That's what I mean. That's the worst black hole I've ever seen.

54:50That's what I mean. We can't really do it. But they know enough about it. And there's three types of black holes. The smallest one is called a stellar mass black hole, which is around 1 to 100 times the mass of the sun. So these are big boy things. Yeah, 100 times. The middle one is the rarest one, and that's an intermediate mass black hole, which is 100 to 100 ,000 times the mass of the sun. Fucking hell, big boy. Who knows what the big boy is called? Big boy black hole. Supermassive black hole. Oh! Gold star for the 12-year-old. It does feel like... So read me the other two. Intermediate You've got stellar mass, black hole.

55:30See, that sounds smart. Intermediate mass, black hole. That sounds smart. And then they've just sort of given up and gone, oh, super massive. Yeah, it is strange. It's not very NASA-y, is it? It's not very science-y. Yeah. Maybe it was that chicken legs big tits or whatever. Puppy face bird leg. What did you say? I know. Chicken face big tits. He's talking about his sister again. Come on, leave it there. You've got too far. You asked me to put the jokes in! No, no, no. Not at our expense. You're a teacher. Okay, I'm sorry. I will be reporting you. Okay, I'm sorry. I don't know where the line is.

56:07It's hard to tell, isn't it? Yeah, it's very... It's been bent by the black holes. Yeah. Okay, so supermassive black hole. Alfie is correct. These can have masses that are millions or even billions of times the mass of the sun. Right. So these are like, mad. How do we know that all of space... I'm trying to make it easier to understand. How do we know all the space isn't just one massive black hole? I love that. There'd be nothing. Okay, carry on. It would crush anything inside it. How do they know stuff is out there when they've never seen it out there? Yeah. How do they know there's one which is millions of times bigger of a mass than the sun if we've never seen it?

56:44Look, it's been... You can see it in different ways. Through like radio waves and stuff, but you can't see it. So they're seeing a spike on a radio wave and going, that's fucking massive. Yeah. You know they say there's more planets or more universes than there are grains of sand on the Earth? Yeah. Something like that. That's loads of them. More stars in the sky as well. It goes on forever, though. You could say about anything. They also say a lot of the stars we see are already dead, don't they? Yeah. When you really think about it, and this has been said a million times before, but there must be life on other planets if we're the one grain of sand that has life on it.

57:25That's just ignorant to think. Yeah, it's naive, isn't it? Yeah. Can you imagine if we're the one thing and we're sat in a studio doing this? Yeah, talking about black holes and perking tits. Yeah. That's such a waste. That is such a waste. We're wasting our lives. That other, yeah. We're wasting our lives. Any avians, I was going, fuck, should we just stop? Huh? Should we just stop? No, not at the hour yet. No, I like... Who's not wasting their life? Who's not wasting their life? In the world. Who's not wasting their life? we all are in a way aren't we it's someone that goes to space wasting their life well this is what Dara said to us like I said to him like what is the point like why do we care about going to the moon now like is it for are we trying to collect stuff from there and he said why wouldn't we want to like as a race why do we not want to go do these things but I still stand on like what is the point if you're not getting anything from it beyond us cool that we can do that surely that's just a waste of money why do you do read a book or watch a film or something.

58:21Because you're getting something. Why do you make a movie? If you're getting space, you're going to learn something about space. They're not just going up there and going, whee! And they're getting a sense of achievement. No, but I mean when we go back to the same places, like if we're going back to the moon again. They're doing other stuff there. They're doing science stuff, aren't they? I think we might one day go to the moon and discover a cure for all ailments and illnesses. On the moon? Well, you never know, do you? You never know. What if we get a bad illness that comes from the moon? Yeah, you could do.

58:46Oh my god, moon fever. You know Jack's been to the, yeah, he's been to the, you've got moon can. Yeah, moon can. All of that. Yeah. Maybe that's what's on the dark side of the moon. I've got pop lung. If I'm trying to hold your breath. Yeah. I've got chicken, chicken, leg, leg, or whatever it was. Still not remember. But perky tits. It's getting further away. I'll give you an idea of the size of these black holes. Okay. Go on. No, cool. Nothing there. So Sagittarius A star is the supermassive black hole that we have in the centre of the Milky Way. Okay. So there's one near us. It's centre of the Milky Way.

59:25It's believed to be 44 million kilometres across. Cool. That's the size. But it's still 26 ,000 light years away from Earth. So even though it's in the centre of our own galaxy. How big is it across? 44 million kilometres. Bigger than your mama. The closest black hole to earth. Jet lag. Jet lag. The closest. It's really affecting you, isn't it? That's actually not an insult though, is it? What do you mean? That that star is bigger than his mum. Yeah. Which it is. Yeah, but even to compare them means she must. Yeah, is she closer than the race, Jack? We know what you're saying. Jack, my mum listens to this.

1:00:05Tell her, is she closer than that race? What? Is she close? Between the sizes? No, I'm saying that that star that's 44 million kilometres wide is bigger than you. Yeah, that's just a fat... Why pick out her? Quite arrogant of you to assume that your mum's... Bigger than all our mum is. Yeah. Yeah. Yours are close, but... My mum's thinner than you, mate, you fat shit. Guys, all right? He started on it. He started it. No, he started on me. He's like, I've gone back, haven't I? Okay, look. No, look. It's all glued out of his mum's quite heart. Your mum's just to pick up... Still fucking pick you up from school, you little cunt.

1:00:42Can we not? I have a fucking word with him. You'll go to isolation. Yeah, good. I'll be on my own. I'll be there. Even better. I think he's going to molest you in a cupboard. He's not molested if I let it happen. So the closest black hole to earth is around 1 ,560 light years away. This is just awful. This is so terrible. Why are we kids? That you made this weird... Oi, I'm 33. How old are you, Robbie? 70. Mine is the only one that works narratively in his narrative. No it doesn't. No it doesn't, they're held back. We're at adult school. We're at high school mate, you fucking weirdos. We don't have high schools in Norwich mate.

1:01:21I'm thick and I hate paint. I'm shagging him. I'm shagging him. Where am I right now? You're a kid, you're normal apart from you being molested over something because you keep talking about men's dicks and stuff. I'm 70 and I'm really really thick because I hate loads of paint and he's fucking the teacher. it's really obvious to everyone listening he's a pedo he's not done anything wrong he's not once he's playing dumb I'm telling you that's a good attitude isn't it I can't do this anymore stop it let's move on he's not a pedo stop it carry that on that's good he's not a pedo have you got any paint I'm hungry Get on that.

1:02:11What do you think would happen? See? That's pedo behaviour. Robbie's licking the wall. What? He's not licking a kid wall. That's a full-grown wall. It's the wall of a high school, to be fair. It's been years. How it dates your mama. This is so hard. Talking about his knob. Can we just... How long left? Listen to Mr. Dick. Let's do one more fact. No. Or ten more. Yes. no no no no no that's too much that's too much school's not out yet school's not out the listeners the listeners are loving this they're loving it i'd be shocked if they are but i've got a live feed under here have you they're saying robbie is not a pedophile thank you guys robbie i had some of that paint last week banging yep who's that weird fucking little kid that keeps making up claims yeah yeah nice audience then aren't they not believing the kid that's right who's that by go on say your mama who's who's who's fucking nutter comments on everything do they hate me you know they hate all of us stop listening stop listening okay what do you think would happen if we fell into a massive super massive black hole I don't know man can hope what does that mean ben if we're gonna like if we're going at each other now what does that one mean are you jealous cool i'm just gonna tell you so the smallest black hole is the cellar mass black hole in that one your body would go through a process called spaghettification oh like it like it that's a given up man spaghettification yeah they've given up They fell off to be first.

1:04:01I thought they'd have proper words for this. It's because the black hole's gravity force would compress you so much. As you're going into it, this side would feel so much gravity whilst this side isn't. And it just keeps stretching you out. You'd eventually become a long string of protons. Going dick first. Massive dick. Go dick first. Huge dick, Jack. Just put your penis in the black hole. It's going to go on forever. Just put the willy in. If you manage to pull it out, you've got like a huge cock. What, like the longest in the world? It's also very thin. You'll have a cock like silly string.

1:04:34He already does. That's progress, though. How would you be a teacher? Lapier.

1:04:43I don't understand. I don't even understand the dynamic in the bit now. I don't understand who they're supposed to be. I don't know. I want a long, thin dick. I'm Mr. Dick. He's eating paint. I can hate this. Yeah, I'm not having fun. Are we all jet lagged? I've been to Australia. So if you go into a supermassive black hole, at first, you might not even realise it's happening. There's a point called the event horizon, which they call... I've heard of that. That's the point of no return. So if you hit that, you're never coming back. Black hole got you. Yeah. So time would slow down. Like, black holes are so mad that literally time and light and everything is so warped around it, nothing becomes real anymore.

1:05:28Right. They're like, the gravity is insane. Can I go for a little bit? Because I'm like 70 and I'm going to die soon. So I could get a few more years if I just go there. Yeah. But everyone else would age. Yeah. That's cool. Then you'd all catch up. I come out and you're all 70. I'm going, ah. But there'll still be younger people. I'll kill them. Oh. All young? Okay. That's the paint talking. Yeah. I have a lot of paint. Ah. Yeah. Is there lead in it? The paint? The paint? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. it feels like it feels a bit leady time would slow down light from stars and galaxies would bend and warp around you it could actually be possible to see some form of the back of your own head it wouldn't look like it'd be very like messy and blurry but the light bends around it so hard that if I'm looking this way you trying to do it now yeah you're trying to look at the back of your head it's a good look in Latvia it's on the back of your head other way around where is this rumor thing we're starting about not with me not with stevie with mr dick you got mr dick oh jesus one more of your best facts i have not learned a thing no okay one thing i've just learned that we're not very funny no yeah basically you'd get more sleep before i come here you'd go into the black hole um he's lost he's lost steam he's run out of steam this is why substitute teachers never do well because they lose the class you gotta do better then okay uh if you did somehow manage to uh dick sorry if you somehow professor if you somehow managed to escape the black hole uh what do you think would happen if you were just floating in space with a space suit so this time you're you can breathe but you're just floating in space.

1:07:18That's something they talk about a lot, isn't it? Like the possibilities. So have we got oxygen and stuff? Yeah. Let's say you've got endless oxygen. And you've not been in a black hole. No. Say you're on like a spaceship and you know they're always tethered to make sure they don't float away. That's snapped. You've started floating away from the ship. What do you think is going to happen there? It's going to fuck off. Fuck off forever. All right. Can you go around and you'd either die of starvation or the sun would get you?

1:07:50i'm starting to get you at some point surely i think you seize up and you're you can't move at all you get really bad cramp that's the problem i got cramp yeah yeah so uh there's no air resistance in space at all so if you were to push off something or fly away slightly wrong you wouldn't ever slow down either so that's why like on spaceships they they only need thrusters to accelerate. They don't need to keep holding it down to keep going. Once they've got the speed they want, turn everything off and it would just fly endlessly. Can I ask something? I need to ask something stupid now. Go on. How do they ever stop after they've started?

1:08:27The thrusters would then pull it back. Reverse thrusters. Or... What's those ones at the front going this way? They'll have it to do everything they need to do but also then whenever we're going to space we're obviously trying to get into the gravitational pull of something else. so this is talking about if you're not going towards a planet or anything right so there's going to be no pull from anything it's just endless because space is actually so big that as much as you think you'd eventually hit something space is more full of nothingness than it is anything yeah if you're a satellite and you're just floating around orbit of earth yeah are you doing that forever you're never going in why aren't you going into earth well that's the space station i was reading last night that apparently the space station is always falling slightly but they're moving so fast sideways that they never actually come down.

1:09:16So you've just, the satellites have been leathered and then they'll just keep... Yeah, it's in the perfect place to be able to keep going without ever crashing back down to Earth. What is a space station, like a Gav? It's, yeah, there's... Who's up there? There's normally like a couple of astronauts stay up there for like a year at a time or something. Really? Yeah. And what are they doing up there? Why didn't we send them fuckers to the moon? How? They've not got the equipment to go from there to the moon. Fair enough. Also, just because it's in space, does that mean are they closer to the moon than us still?

1:09:46At points. There's probably some weird kind of scientific thing that means they're closer to Earth than we are. What?

1:09:57I've got to tell you a really good fact about satellites. What the fuck are you on about? We're fucking on Earth, you twat. Yes, please. 25 % of the satellites in orbit were made in Stevenage wow you've got to go see where that was made for a YouTube video was that about two weeks ago mate you already did it oh didn't watch it did you look at the space I just mentioned that fact didn't it fair enough so you just keep going forever whatever direction you're going in you're just going there You wouldn't actually feel like you're speeding away, though. You'd feel completely weightless. You wouldn't be able to feel getting faster or anything.

1:10:42It'd just feel like nothing. Do you lose what weighs up and down? So that is literally, there is no up or down in space. If you start spinning and you couldn't even correct it and you'd become disorientated. But if you were in an element of space where you couldn't even see things, you'd have no idea. You wouldn't even know. You wouldn't know if you're up, down. Yeah, you'd have nothing. You wouldn't know if you're coming or going. Yeah, and unless you suddenly saw a planet, you'd be like, okay, I now have my bearings, but then you're spinning away again. Here's a question for the class. You're skiing.

1:11:10You're like this. You crash. You hate that. You spit. Yeah, he's fucking ruined. You watch the same pod that I do, don't you? What is it? Tell me. I don't know what it is. So you land in the snow. You wake up, fit days, like, fuck, where am I? You don't know which way's up. Oh, you spit, yeah. Yeah, you spit, yeah. Or piss. Or. Or. Okay. How would you tell when it lands? It's all white anyway. That's exciting. I think we're done, aren't we? Not when it mixes because it won't be ionised. Do we think we've learnt anything today? I think I've learnt loads. I've enjoyed it. I actually have really enjoyed it.

1:11:44Space is well interesting. Would you say you've learnt anything new today? I've learnt that some of the words are real. Like supermassive black holes. Yeah. Spaghetti-ization. Event horizon. Thicken tears. You know what that is. I don't know what it is now but it's a thing. Event horizon, yeah. Place of no return. Yeah, that's the event horizon. Point of no return. Shall we find out if anyone Think of your grandmother naked If you're at the point of no return That'll sort you out Not in space for the perky tits Let's find out if we did Let's find out if we did learn anything Pop quiz Say cunt The respect we got for this teacher Are we actually doing Pop quiz This is just to find out if any of you listened in today's class Oh mate, literally I've made so many jokes About black holes It's a joke.

1:12:33I'm going to keep it simple for you. That way's up. I'm just drilling a car. Spit on it. True or false. We'll do it simple. True or false. Yeah. Question one. You would instantly explode if exposed to space without a suit. Next. True or false. Yeah. Question two. You would lose consciousness within around 10 to 15 seconds without oxygen in space. Next. Have we got a seat on? No. Without oxygen. You've got a three-piece suit on. Question three. You could survive for several minutes in space by holding your breath.

1:13:20You put so much work into this. That's so cute. It is actually really appreciated, Stevie. Ten. It'll go quick. What? They're true and false. easy question four the death star is capable of destroying an entire planet we didn't cover that may 4th in it i needed to put something else star wars in fuck me so this is not how much have you learned at school this is have you ever seen star wars may the fourth be with you right is that why you don't know it's question four okay genuinely don't mean to that's happy accent question five there is air resistance in space that slows objects down Don't think we covered that.

1:13:57Just literally did a second thing. The last one we did.

1:14:04I've done most of these about things we've actually spoken about. I'm really confident with this. Question six. Supermassive black holes were named after the song by Muse. He's had a bit of humour. A bit late for that song. Yeah, I know. Where were these jokes at the start? Yeah. Do you know how many of our 130 ,000 listeners have switched off? Mad. There'll be six people that have heard that joke. You're welcome. One of them's... Why? Question seven. Sound cannot travel through space. This is the pettiest podcast ever. Just fucking pick individual listeners out and talk about loads. You probably have to believe it.

1:14:42We do it all the time. It's fucking class. I love it. I fucking love it. What was that one, mate? Sound cannot travel through space. True or false? Question eight You would instantly be pulled into the nearest planet If you drifted into space What, because I'm so fit All the aliens are like Come here, lad Yeah You would instantly be pulled into the nearest planet If you were floating in space We never learnt that Nine We did I just said something about space Just go through it Nine You would immediately lose all blood If exposed to space Did not ever once mention blood Right in the first one we did I don't remember that and 10 is ships would need thrust only to accelerate not to keep moving nothing wrong with that what do you mean what do you mean thrust only sorry I like how Robbie's holding it up I could just eat a penis okay that's a Dean really that okay question one you would instantly explode if exposed to space without a suit don't think so no true or false don't think so true Robbie False.

1:15:53Have you just done the opposite on all of them? No. How have you got that one wrong straight away? I thought that was genuinely... We had a whole conversation about whether you'd explode. Have a look at it mate. Are you sure that's not right? I remember all audio listeners I wrote nonce for a little arrow towards Stevie. He's a pd. So he's got the first one wrong already. Question two, you'd lose consciousness within around 10 to 15 seconds without oxygen in space. True. Remember that. Clear as day. True all around. You could survive for several minutes in space by holding your breath. False. Your lungs would pop after ten.

1:16:28There we go. It'd be a terrible ten seconds. The Death Star is capable of destroying an entire planet. True. True. Not anymore. You've got destroyed. Death Star did get destroyed, but we are going on the idea that it's still around. I swear to us. Question five. There is air resistance in space that slows objects down. True. No. False. False. Oh, yeah, obviously, because you could push off and it would keep going. I meant, can I have the point? No. Oh. No. Shit. Supermassive black holes were named after the song by Muse. False. It's actually after the new Lana Del Rey album. Sound cannot travel through space.

1:17:06That jet lag is fucking real, isn't it? I was thinking that. Real, mate. Sound cannot travel through space. True. True. True? Yep. Hey, what was that? In Star Wars, that was question seven. in Star Wars and stuff when there's these big explosions in space if you actually if a massive explosion happened in space no one would hear it yeah see that what oh fuck yeah but then the person next to you couldn't hear each other either oh yeah through comms I'm on land I'm on land I could hear I could chat I could sing things explode every disaster in space would look slapstick yeah in space we would like Imagine we could breathe in space If we were this close to each other and I screamed as loud as I could You just wouldn't hear it That would be mad I could sleep near you Next You'd instantly be pulled into the nearest planet If you drifted into space Good You'd immediately lose all blood if exposed to space False And ships would need thrust only to accelerate Not to keep moving I think, did Robbie and Alfie get a draw?

1:18:15Mate, you actually taught us so well there. I'm not even joking. He's like one of those teachers that get some inner city kids that are like thick as shit and they don't even know they're learning and he's done all this stuff. And we're just talking about old guys' dicks and stuff. That's so good. You should be a teacher. Yeah, you've done well. You're shit at your job here. I made up everything in that episode. What? No. I'm not joking. I would have gone home because that is just fucking wasting my time. Oh, I should have. No, most of that was from NASA's website. I got seven out of ten. That is shit.

1:18:49That's so bad. No, guys, that's better than I would have expected. That's so shit. Which ones did you get wrong? Well, one of them I knew I'd got wrong. So I got eight, really, if you let me know. That's not how it works. But question one was you'd instantly explode and you got that wrong. One, five, and six has got wrong. Question five was there's air resistance in space that slows objects down. That's the last thing we spoke about before the quiz. Jet lag. Yeah, he is jet lag. Jet lag. Six was the last one I got wrong. Six was... No, it wasn't. That super massive black holes were named after the muse.

1:19:18Oh, yeah, I only got two wrong then. I was in eight. I'm smart. You know what, mate? That's good for him. Thank you. I'll take that. Right, Mr. Dick, that was fucking brilliant, mate. Professor Dick. Cheers, Dick. Pro Dick. Pro Dick. Pro Dick. Get on tour of example. Right, we'll leave that there. I'll see you in a few days. We're doing all caught up. Oh, is that what we're doing? Yeah. Have you done anything? I have no idea. That's right, I'll be quiet. Tune in for that. See you in a few weeks Thanks Nicky Thanks Can we do another table? Because it looks weird It did look like you were wanking Especially next to a 12-year-old I thought you were going to come out

1:20:01Jack makes happy hour

1:20:06Saying how you feel out loud is terrifying But that's what Hinge's new free audiobook No Ordinary Love is all about It's a collection of real love stories about five couples that met on Hinge. The stories are written and read by Tembi Dintonhurst, Nicola Dinan, Curtis Garner, Raven Smith, and Rufy Thorpe. I, Hunter Harris, wrote and read the foreword. The audiobook's out now. Give it a listen. The Viore Core Short moves with you. With everyday versatility and classic athletic fit. It's the one short for everything your day brings. Invest in your happiness and get 20 % off your first purchase at viore.com slash core20.

1:20:54That's V-U-O-R-I dot com slash K-O-R-E-2-0. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions.