663 - Stolen Sex Toys, Pillowcase Poops, & Historical Hook Ups… Reacting To Listener Confessions!

27:43Uninvited? Garnier's got you. Garnier Color Sensation Root Retouch covers up to 100 % of grays in just 10 minutes. No ammonia, no mess, and the color lasts up to four weeks. It's as easy to apply as shampoo. Plus, it's vegan and cruelty-free. 10 minutes. Sensational color. Sensational price. With those savings, your next girls' night is basically free. Find your perfect match at Walmart.com or at a store near you. Thanks to Robbie Knox I hooked up with someone from Tinder in a World War II shelter What? This hooked me in massively Yeah, I'm in, I'm in This hooked me in I'm a female and I'd met this lad a couple of times after coming out of a long term relationship and we started having casual relations What does that mean?

28:31Sex Oh god Give me the details That's what she said Give me the details Don't work does it? No, sorry. Sorry. I'll do better. One day, we decided to go on a walk and stumbled across an underground World War II shelter. When he suggested us exploring it, I was originally hesitant, but I remember Robbie saying on the pod that life is all about stories and we should all do more stuff. So I decided it was worth the story. It was a little bit uncomfortable and I probably wouldn't recommend it. Having sex in a bunker? Having sex in a bunker. But what I take from this story is that Robbie, talking on this podcast, has made a woman want to have sex.

29:11What? Just read me that last bit again. Let me digest that. So she's found a bunker with this person. A bunker for a bunk up? Yeah. And the guy was like, oh, let's go and see what's in there. And she thought, nah, I don't really want this. He knew there was nothing in there apart from the sweet, sweet smell of sex. Sweet, sweet smell. They're creating the smell. If it's already in there. You should be smelling, mate. Why is that smelling? Go. Stop having shallow baths. Good. Very good. They found a shelter. He's gone, come on, let's go have a go in there. And she's gone, no, no, no. And then she's thought in her head.

29:52In this moment, she's gone, Robbie would tell me to get a story out of this. So I will go. I will go and do that, thanks to Robbie. So she's, I don't understand how, because then she could do anything in life and go, well, Robbie said to do it for the story. Robbie's fault. So anyone listening, do some bad things. Blame Robbie after. Blame it on Robbie. Blame it on Robbie, yeah. That's what I'm taking from that story. Yeah. That's more of a brag, isn't it? How's that a confession? Oh, I made love. I made love. I made love. Forgiven. Made love in a shelter. It's quite cool, isn't it? Is it disrespectful to what the soldiers went for?

30:27Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, but no, during the war, Or people would have been bunkered up in the bunkers, wouldn't they? No, I know, but that's a historical place, do you know what I mean? Where do you draw the line? My great-grandad died in the war. Yeah. Not in a shelter, though. How do you know where he died? He said the shelter didn't do a good job. He was in a shelter. He overdosed. He was a heroin addict. Look at that. Runs in a family? Yeah, it's literally my family, mate. I'm talking about. Is that how it works? Runs in means multiple people rather than just the one, mate. Oh, okay, right. I'm saying, like, there's multiple people in your family seem to have problems.

31:00Okay, yeah. You're next. Okay. I'm already there. Let's decide whether shagging in the bunker can be forgiven. Is it disrespectful? I don't know. Is it disrespectful? So a bunker, yeah. Let's really dissect this and try and help, right? So a bunker is where people evacuated to in the war to save them from the bombs, right? Yeah. Dropped by the enemy. Now, would people have died in there or would that have been the safe haven? I suppose it depends how well the bunker was made. Because if you have sex somewhere like Auschwitz, that is disrespectful. Yeah. Goes without saying that. Goes without saying.

31:43Very different. What about our graveyard? Because people actually are, there's actually dead bodies there. Do you know what I mean? I'd be horrified. Would you be horrified? Yeah. I wouldn't even consider doing that. I'd be fucking fuming. What, you'd be dead though? I mean, if it was my family. I was on your nan, yeah. or anyone was on you know who's buried well that was a joke about you having sex with my nan for some reason I like this alphi yeah he's good sorry see I think Shenefi likes this alphi no Carol G's just re-followed oh god no okay um right so it's there are places where it is disrespectful to have sex yeah that's not why why though why it's the act of lovemaking it should be it should be like oh how respectful that they are sharing each other's body.

32:30Did you make love in the graveyard that I don't think you did, did you? It's not making love, do you know what I mean? There was no love there. That was pure, I don't even know what it was. Something ungodly. Stop! You're fucking being weird, mate. Why is that weird? I was young. You're the only one who's done it in a disrespectful place, so I'm trying to draw on our experience. I was young. Yeah? This person might be young. Yeah, right. Yeah, so put yourself in their shoes. You're doing it in the bunker, aren't you? you're doing it and should we forgive you yes you've changed is it i'm trying to i'm ignoring you yeah i'm trying to work out the scale yeah so obviously the aforementioned is really bad bunkers somewhere in the middle where would a museum be depends of what and frank yeah no natural history yeah fine yeah why though because certain sections maybe no you know i mean it really just depends on the display all right okay that's visual um i think this is bad really because i think that was a safe haven yeah but like what 80 years ago it's totally fine who are you hurting yeah who are you hurting you could say the same about the really awful place i mentioned though couldn't you who are you hurting I'm not saying that I'm just playing devil's advocate okay let me think about that yes because I disagree with that yeah I do it goes without saying again we don't need to always say stuff I think the bunker could be filthy though I can't imagine that's a nice place to

34:08that took me a second there it can't be a nice place to be yeah but that's their choice right I don't think it's bad because I don't I think Jack's right if you're doing it on like a memorial site. Horrific. Yeah. Okay. Doing it. But like, it's a bunker. Nah, you're fine. Alright, what about this then? What about this? I'm going to twist it a bit. Right? 9-11, yeah? Oh, for fuck's sake. Right. Oh, fuck. What about this? Ground zero, right? Bad. Right? To do that on ground zero, horrific. That's one of them ones that go without saying. But, no, no, I'm making a very valid point. And you'll actually think I'm smart for making this comparison.

34:48Right, so we collectively agree, ground zero bad. Now imagine there was over the road from where the towers stood there was a, let's say, a sweet shop. Right? That's noncy. Yeah, why are you picking that place to have sex? Alright, alright, okay. Let's say there was a factory, right? A shoemaking factory, right? Let's pretend this is accurate to history. When the towers fell, a lot of the survivors and a lot of the workmen ran into this factory, right, to keep safe, safe haven. Okay. It still stood today as a shoe factory. Is it disrespectful if people bonk in there? Nah. No, it's not, is it? Is it disrespectful to do it on 9-11?

35:33On the date? Yeah. No, I think millions of people every year have sex on 9-11. It's a weird thought, isn't it? That's the only day I do it. It's a weird kink. Fucking hell. graveyard to 9-11 right okay it's been very murky but we have just stood on the right side of it yeah I'm gonna decide I'm gonna say we'll find out when this spread goes up on the reddit I'm gonna say release it September 11th I'm saying listener forgiven yeah forgiven you've done nothing wrong I don't know if they've done nothing wrong but they haven't done enough wrong to yeah okay I was on a night out a few months back and I'd been drinking for about five hours when I decided to leave for the last train home.

36:21On the walk to the train station, a homeless guy comes up to me and asks for some money, so I gave him the change I had in my wallet. I get chatting to the guy for about five minutes or so before I had to go to get my train, and as we were saying goodbye, I said, get home safe, mate. To which he replies, I don't have one. This was a genuine error, and I didn't even realise as I was saying it, and I blurted it back, I'm so sorry, and I've felt absolutely awful ever since. Can I be forgiven? That's fine. Slip of the tongue. Yeah. Slip of the tongue. That's fine. Slip of the tongue. That's fine. There was a homeless guy, I remember, the first time I ever bought a big issue.

36:58Okay. I was walking back from college and he said, do you want to buy this big issue for someone for Christmas? And I sort of thought, I don't know about that. And then he went for someone you don't like. And I was like, you've won me. Comedy. You've won me with comedy there. So I don't know how that relates. Yeah, it's not remotely relevant. You're just trying to let us know that you've given money. Yeah, that's what you're doing. Well done. You blog it, yeah. That's what you've done now. Yeah, that's where I got the idea for Hundreds for Homeless. Yeah? You want to tell us any other times you've given money to homeless people?

37:28Fucking loads, man. I do loads behind the scenes. We've gone through this before. Loads. Loads. There is not a GoFundMe in the country I've not slapped 20 quid in. Really? Really? It's not completely true, but there's a lot out there. Yeah. Oh, you've done a marathon? Yeah, I have a tenner. Tanner Yeah You've earned loads of money Get Tanner That's a bit Well I just said Most of them get 20 Oh you've got Your nan's got arthritis That's 20 quid But Marathon What's that going towards What the fuck's that going towards Your nan's got arthritis I didn't want to say anything too brutal Yeah Yeah Okay fair enough So we're forgiving the person With a slip of the tongue Yeah Yeah You're digging yourself Into a hole in this episode And I like it When you say we're giving we're forgiving the person for the slip of the tongue.

38:16Are we back in the bunker? Good. Thank you. Okay, I'm giving you a long one now. Now we're back in the bunker. Hey, you're the lady. Oh, good, good, good. After school one evening, it's dark already, or at least it's getting there. Mum had picked me up. Must be winter then. Fair enough. He hasn't given me that information. Sorry, I don't ask for extra information. He's not told me what season this happened. He said after school and it's dark already. therefore 4pm winter solstice okay mum had picked me up and said we needed to get me some new school shoes because mine were hanging off my feet so we ended up in roy's the finest department store in norfolk mum got distracted almost immediately over in the women's section looking at boots while i sat in the kid's shoe area pretending to try things on that's when i noticed him a man in his 40s graying slightly dressed casual not me i so thought that's where that was going i just saw you look at me as soon as i said that fuck off i was honestly picking a spot on my arm and i heard that on my head fucking in his 40s as well yeah i was 40s graying slightly dressed casually proper normal bloke he was trying on trainers with one of the shop assistant assistants following him around while he walked up and down testing the fit beside the bench were his air max 90s orange and gray they were beautiful at 10 years old they looked like the coolest thing i'd ever seen proper for expensive trainers.

39:40The sort older lads had at my school and would show off on non-uniform death. This is such a good one. I kept staring at them while pretending to mess around with the Velcro straps on some ugly black school shoes. Mum was still over by the boots, holding one up against her leg in the mirror. The assistant had walked the man further down the aisle while he tested another pair. This is written beautifully. Really nice. After a few seconds, nobody was looking. I don't remember properly deciding to do it, and that's what scares me now. It didn't feel like some huge evil moment. It just happened. I leaned forward and grabbed the Air Max 90s, opened my school bag and shoved them inside.

40:15Zip. Done. You'll be on CCTV, surely. Instantly, my stomach dropped. My whole body went freezing cold. I could hear my own heartbeat. I genuinely thought alarms were about to start blaring across the shop, but nothing happened. The man came back over after a minute or two, and at first he just looked confused, and that's the bit that stayed with me all these years. Not anger, just confusion. Looking around the floor, looking under the bench, smiling awkwardly at the assistant like maybe someone had moved them as a joke. Meanwhile, I'm sat there beside my mum trying to act normal while feeling like I'm about to faint.

40:46Then I suddenly told my mum I didn't actually like any of the shoes in Roy's and that we should go to shoe zone because it was cheaper and because she'd already been moaning about the prices, she agreed straight away. We walked straight out of Roy's with that man's trainers in my school bag. I still remember walking through the car park feeling sick with panic. Every adult looked like security. I thought any second somebody would grab my shoulder, but nobody did. A week later, I sold the trainers to my best mate's dad for 40 quid cash. Oh my God. 40 quid at 10 years old felt unbelievable, like infinite money.

41:17Who's buying shoes off a kid?

41:21Fucking weird, eh? Yeah, it is weird, isn't it? For like a price which you could just buy a pair of shoes for. Worn shoes as well. That aren't even a kid's size. That stinks. yeah of paedophilia i'm sorry not forgiven no the dad who bought them not forgiven i bought sweets for everyone football stickers and drinks after school for a little while i felt clever then the guilt started and honestly it never left because when you're a kid stealing feels exciting but when you grow up all you can think about is the other person did he have to walk out in socks did the staff think he was lying did he blame himself all evening thinking and they'd somehow misplaced him.

41:59Were they his favourite trainers? I've forgotten massive chunks of my childhood, whole school years and teachers and holidays, but I still remember those orange and grey Air Max 90s sitting beside that bench in Roy's of Roxxum while a man in his 40s walked around testing another pair of shoes. And I still feel ashamed every time I think about it. Well written, dragged a bit at the end. I think they can't be forgiven. I think they've stolen. It's age though. 10 years old. Yeah, I know, but I think at 10 years old, I knew that stealing was wrong. You didn't do anything bad at 10. I stole one thing.

42:31Right, what was it? Humbug suite from the shop, and my dad saw me eating it in the car, and he dragged me back into Asda, and I had to apologise. Yeah? Yeah. But I would have never stolen shoes, especially not off someone's feet. I think what I did at 10. That's brave, isn't it, as well? That's bold. That's bold. I was doing bad shit at 10. What were you doing? What were you doing at 10? You don't do bad shit now. Snapping photos of your arsehole. Yeah, you were doing that. well people asked said why didn't i ever tell that on the pod because i told it on the live show yeah you come to our live shows if you want to hear about me taking pictures up my bum yeah you get unique stories live yeah are you got some for life yeah i'll do something weird by then if you want no not no you're saying by then we're talking childhood really don't do something weird between now and now i will i'll do something mental and then tell it on the live show.

43:19All right, deal. To do with my bum. All right. You don't have to. It doesn't have to be a bum. I'm putting myself in that box. Yeah, it will be to do with my bum. Go to Ticketmaster and search Happy Hour and maybe you can hear stories about Alfie's bum. Yeah, the Crosswire website is a little bit iffy, so go to Ticketmaster. Is it? Yeah. To do with my bum. Forget it. Forget it. Something's going to go in it. That's the only thing I can think. Do you think this person who's stolen shoes should be forgiven? um how did we get onto my bum because you just said you were doing mental things at 10 oh yeah yeah yeah yeah killing loads of ants ant wars used to play ant wars what's ant wars um there was like a white ants and well i guess black ants i've only ever seen black ants i had i had white ones where i grew up what you had albino ants did you there was like a whole load and they used to fight each other you caused a race war between ants yeah how did you make them hate each other well i just i just egg them on do you know how are you what you go go on put them together put two together in a short in a he called you a slur huh is that what you're doing no no no so how did you make what i'm saying is how did you make one color the other color two in oh so you could have put two white ones yeah make them fight made my cousins i was like making things fight i What do you mean you made your cousins fun?

44:41Chucked a rock at my sister's head. Pushed my mate James in the ditch. Chucked a basketball at the back of my sister's head. Drop kicked on the trampoline.

44:54Touched willies, obviously. What? Touched willies. Why are you getting all this off your chest now? I don't know. I'm just trying to prove people do mad stuff at 10. You know what I mean? Yeah, I've been there. What else do you do? Well, we spoke about it on the pod, but have I ever told you the garden wall story? I don't know. I was in the newspaper. If I can find this article, I've got a photo of the newspaper. To prove this is true, I'll splice this into the episode now. When I lived in my first ever house with my mum, we had a communal garden wall out the back, which was like an alleyway that everyone would go down.

45:37Yeah. and it was made of brick, right? And it fell down one day. So my mum made me lay underneath it, right? What? Was that funny? Well, I just feel like it's going to be like, where's there's a blame, there's a claim. Yeah. And she put the brick on my leg. Not, it didn't hurt. She was balancing it on my leg. And we took photos and she went to the council and said that I was running and the wall fell down on me. They fell for that, a brick on your leg. I got no, we got no money. No. They just come around and fix the wall. Yeah. They'd have been like, why would... There's no way that looked real.

46:11There you go. Why would the brick fall on your leg and just stay balanced on there? What's in the newspaper? Is it that photo? It's me and my sister and we're stood there like this. Like we're two orphans, like sad. And my mum behind me, so nothing like an orphan. And it was just like, children hurt in wall claim. I can't remember if you've told us that before. It doesn't... I have no recollection of it. See, that's horrible. You're complicit in a crime as well. I need to see that photo and the idea that that wall collapsed whilst you're running on it and your mum's gone, let me quickly take a photo before I see if you're right there.

46:45Do you want me to quickly see... Right, let me call my sister.

46:58She's probably at work. No, not this time. She's sick of you. she's under a wall finally what do you mean finally what the fuck does that mean I mean I will get the claim not that she's dead oh right you could feel awful if she didn't pick up for a reason now oh god fuck's sake that was mine I genuinely and I have said this on the pod before so apologies but like you know when we laugh and joke like it's not actually that bad you take a photo of your bum as a kid and stuff like that i do have like a pure guilt in my heart for one thing i did when i was a kid and you know what that is don't you is it reese no oh it's calling my it's calling um i was a child i don't know any better but i think about this all the time i used my nan used to have a phone that connected to the phone upstairs so you could sort of go on walkie-talkie sort of thing yeah and there was another kid younger than me that lived at the bottom of my nantill and because i was old enough to know that santa wasn't real i pretended to be santa on the phone and then the kid would dial santa and i promise you like this actually makes me upset and no one fucking call me out for this because i'm calling myself out for this the kid lost their mum on honestly like this is i believe you like oh and i said that you could if you told him doing this to yourself well why are you doing this i was a kid and i was like i want to help this kid yeah so what did you do said that if you call you'll be able to speak to your mum and what you put on a lady's voice no i didn't i probably put my sister on the call or something like that.

48:48I made her complicit. I don't know. But I think about it all the time. Like, I didn't realise at the time. You're trying to be nice though. I genuinely was trying to be nice, right? And people might call me out and say that's so nasty. There was not an ounce of me that meant to be nasty. But I think about that all the time. Yeah. Not forgiven. No, he's trying to be nice. You're trying to be nice. What was the point in the phone calls before that? Because I realised how happy this kid was that they were thinking they were speaking to Santa. How often would you speak to him at Santa? I did. Oh, the Santa probably a few times, but the mum thing once, but that was bad.

49:24Did Santa tell him that he could speak to his mum or did you go up to him and say? Maybe, I can't remember the details, but I just remember the guilt that I have in my heart for that. Don't feel bad, mate. And this person shouldn't feel bad either. You're a child. You've got a child's brain. You don't know. I'm sure they're still, I'm sure they were so young that they won't remember that. And I hope that, and pray that, I don't pray I'm an atheist, but I hope that they, don't remember that. What if their story is I spoke to my mum and now you've ruined it? On a phone at my mate's nan's house. Yeah.

49:56That'd be sad. That'd be really sad. Wouldn't that just? I think just forgive all kids. Forgive all kids for anything. I can forgive the kids. We're getting stuff off our heads. Yeah, it's nice. That makes me look too horrific and I was horrific. No, you're a child. How old were you there? Eight. Forgiven, forgiven, than forgiven, forgiven, forgiven, forgiven me for my bum. Everyone forgiven. We will never forgive you for your bum. No, that is horrific. Right. Okay, next one. Are we forgiven choosy? Yeah, I think they're 10. For the listeners, I told a story about taking, on another podcast recently, I told a story about how I found a camera and took pictures up my bum.

50:38On a disposable camera that your parents then had to get developed. Just so you don't know, in case you don't know what. And your dad was unaware that there were... Yes, and he got the photos developed. And they thought, well, he was a beado. Okay. No, no, no. Forgiven. Forgiven. Forgiven. We're all forgiven. Forgiven. They questioned him, didn't they? They questioned it. They actually let him go with the photos, which is insane. That is insane. If anything, it's an indictment on Boots' policy back then. At least they were selfies. Like, it's obvious he wasn't doing it. Like, you've taken it upon yourself.

51:11They weren't all selfies. What? just my little mate from the other flat where you will don't matter do you know what I mean you said it was so what's the next one then guys come on okay hi guys yes my confession involves got you told us that bit the heat in confidence the heat in confidence at the live show you're gonna have to bleep that what you've said at the live show yes not on an evergreen podcast and the person involved is a teacher bleep that then bleep that who that was. But yes, that just makes it ten times worse. Hi guys, my confession involves a hinge date that occurred around three years ago.

51:52Yeah. When I was a young lad just looking to get mucky fingers. Oh, fucking hell. I'm not... I'm not listening to this. Mucky fingers? Cool. What are you doing with that? I kind of want to hear that one. You want to hear mucky fingers? Mate, there is not a single listener out there right now that does not want to hear that. And if you've Fuck, if you press my button... It didn't go off. I'll kick on... Did you? Yes! You was too warmed up by mucky fingers. Mucky fingers, mate. Mucky fingers. The next sentence... Mucky. The next sentence... Muck. Stevie, muck. Wait, the next sentence says, I'd like to think I'm a better man now.

52:34Well, you're still emailing into a podcast at your big age saying that. No, they're saying that in hindsight. they weren't saying i used that term back then they're saying right oh your sister's ringing hi uh sorry quick one i'm doing the podcast oh yeah um do you remember the story about um the brick wall outside our house yeah what was it did we try and get a claim or something it was just a really dodgy broken wall and mum was trying to get like someone to come and fix it and it was like my kids are in this garden so it was like a tug on the heartstrings photo, I think. Have you got the photo anywhere?

53:13I think so, yeah. Send it to me. All right, thank you. Bye. Cheers, bye-bye. Yeah, that's funny. Okay, so we'll give Mucky Fingers one more go. Great! And then you can now decide if you want to... What is the muck? What are they referring to? What's the muck? Fluid. Fluid. Okay, well, fine. I wouldn't call fluid muck, though. Like, when I was a kid, I'd play out all the time and I'd come home covered in muck. Covered in muck? Yeah, I weren't covered in... Did you have mucky fingers? I probably fell over in the muck. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I weren't doing any of that. No, no, no, no. Fingers were muddy.

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55:40My confession involves a hinge date that occurred around three years ago when I was a young lad just looking to get mucky fingers. Yeah, I bleeped it. Mucky fingers. I'd like to think I'm a better man now. That's a great gamer tag, mucky fingers. That's better than Milky467 or whatever. John's. we've been playing fortnight with John Beer and he's milky 4 '6 why is he that? because he likes milk don't we go then fair enough that was because he said people used to say he looked like the milky bar kid oh is it? yeah don't know where I've got that from milky fingers listen up and I'll set the scene 22 years of age and I get chatting to a girl on Hinge not really my type but we had a lot in common and she seemed like good crack so we arranged to go for a few drinks in town Sheffield oh you know there's a good thing coming up in Sheffield recently I won't go on about it You're going to get mucky fingers, aren't you, Stevie?

56:30Ariana's coming. Oh, no! I meant on a show! That's your wife, mate. That's your daughter, mate. That's your fucking kid. He told me to tell everyone I'm bumping her. Piping? Piping, sorry. Pumping was in the bunker, wasn't it? Oh, go on, carry on. Not as tight, but he fancied it. Upon meeting my date, she wasn't really what I was expecting, if you know what I mean. But after a few drinks and some decent chat, I thought... I don't know what he means. I think he's saying she doesn't look the way she looked in the photo. All right. He's a lad. After a few drinks and some decent chat, I thought, let's roll with it.

57:10And we ended up staying out and going to the famous Lead Mill nightclub. When we walked in, we were met with a big screen saying Oasis night, so I was feeling supersonic. He does put in a few Oasis puns throughout the show. Is this chat GPT? No, that wouldn't say mucky fingers. A few mega tunes and even more mega drinks and some might say one thing led to another. I think he's just quite laddy the way it's written. We left the club and went around the corner to a dark alleyway. Not quite the master plan. Oh my God, he's trying to add some fucking pizzazz. What is this? She very quickly unzipped my jeans and she went straight for my little James.

57:47What? Little James? So his name's James? He hasn't said that until that moment, so I'm assuming. went straight for my little James maybe he didn't want to say what his name was and he's just accidentally slipped up by something went straight for my little James now at this point I'd like to point out it was a cold winter's night in bleak February that's what they all say you've got the Dean Willie mate embrace it anyway this girl bless her was trying her best to spark that 3am morning glory I can't be certain why are we listening why are you subjecting me to this Zach's not pressed the button go on go on go on I can't be certain for how long she was at it, but it felt like forever.

58:25She's electric. I felt nothing. Not an inch of excitement. Whether it was the booze, the cold, or the subpar technique, it was simply going... Oh, God. He's a cunt, this guy. Fucking pundit now, are you? It was simply going nowhere. Pundit. To this day, I've got no idea why I didn't just tell her to stop. Because you're a fucking gross individual and you just wanted a handy. suddenly i realized the music from the lead mill had stopped and drunken nattering began filling the street as people piled out of the club groups began bopping down the street that i was being held captive and i still hadn't opened my big mouth instead i went into fight or flight mode so what did i do i ran yeah that's right no warning or word of caution i didn't fade away I turned and bolted full throttle No turning back to see the poor girl Left on her knees on the cold hard concrete Don't look back in anger mate Whatever you do I ran away and got the first taxi home You're trying to do it now You make me think you're like him I'm really not proud of this And even when I'm married with children It's a night that will always send chills down my spine Thankfully there's been no antics quite as bad as that since it's important we don't look back in anger rather than learn from other things he's done the same one as you he's done the same one and you're such similar guys I think you can be the one to decide if this guy's forgiven because you relate most to him how do I relate to him?

59:58it's the most similar to him both done the deed in places that probably shouldn't have been happening once once Am I getting this right? He was getting a handjob in the middle of the day Was it Blowy? She left her on her knees Oh my word, too graphic That's what he said And then he's not enjoying it so he's run away Yeah And left her like a shocked emoji So you are like him Yeah I just paint a picture You love sex You love sex mate You do Start calling me sex mate please okay we are sex mate for that one um I think it's bad I think it's real bad yeah I think it's a disrespect to the young lady well he's also gone into it saying he's not attracted to her and then he said once I've had a few drinks I'll see where it goes yeah he's a gross guy how should he have dealt with it he should have never even ended up in that alleyway with her but say he has how does he deal with this people are coming out um I'll be her go on no if you're gonna do it do it right now no no I'll just I'll do it from here.

1:01:04I'll do it from here. I'll do it from here. Okay, Dan, you need to stand near him, Matt, by the way. Right, I'm there. Yeah. I'm doing it now. Right? Yeah, I'm doing it. What's that smell? Go on, Alfie, do it. I'd go... Gobble, gobble. Huh? Why have you just tapped her on the head? Excuse me, like that. You all right? This is madness. Everything all right? Thank you for what you're up to. Oh, it's my pleasure. Well, it's not mine. Yeah, there's not really much going on down there either, is there? I'm not enjoying this. Why? Because it's cold and you're terrible at blowjobs. Well, I'm gutted. No, I'd genuinely go, sorry, sorry, mate, but this is not me.

1:01:52Who is this? This is actually me. Sorry, mate. I'd go, Alfie, I thought I'd try something new. You're not doing it for me, mate. Can't you just go, the people come in. people coming. Nah, just in all honesty, because that did get well weird, and honestly it's a 50-50 whether that's left in the pod. Why is that weird? What is weird about me pleasuring you? What is weird about that? When Alfie wasn't here, you did a whole made-up thing where you and Robbie were a married gay couple, and you never once thought that was weird. We did a prison thing, you actually bummed me when we did the prison roleplay, you actually bummed me.

1:02:29And now I'm giving it back a bit, you can't take it. That is so you. Yeah, that is so you. You're not giving it back. I'm just giving it to you. No, I'm giving it to you, son. I'm fucking... My dick's in your mouth. No, my mouth's on your dick.

1:02:50I'm talking your mouth. No, you're not. I'm fucking mouthing... No, well, let's just... Oh, I had to... I messaged a guest recently to see if they'd come on, right? And she replied, I'd love to, but isn't it all just lads, lads, lads? And I said, no, honestly, we do it ironically. And now we've been talking about... That's not laddy. Me giving you oral sex is not laddy. It is quite... Is it? I think it's okay to laugh at stupid shit. Yeah, I love how stupid we are. Oh, you know what? If you don't find that funny, then I don't want to know you. Because that is gold. That is cold. I just think like, sometimes we are being completely stupid and immature, but it's fine to just laugh at stupidity.

1:03:39If you don't let yourself laugh at that shit. I said like, I was watching Last One Laughing and Diane Morgan, who's incredible, was doing fart jokes constantly. I know, I know. And she is incredible. I know, I realised that. Like a lot of them were doing like little, yeah. Laugh at the stupid shit. I don't know if I've made this up, but there was one year where someone was popping, pretending to pop balls out of their vagina or something. Yeah. Yeah. I mean like, laugh at the stupid shit. Humour is, There is something funny in just silliness. Yeah. Did you see that clip that Ricky Gervais, years ago, he said that the funniest thing he's ever seen was that he went into an open mic night or something and there was a singer singing, sitting on the dock of the bay, but it changed the lyrics to sitting on a cock cause I'm gay.

1:04:22And he said that was the fun, and that is what we do. Yeah. We sit on cocks cause we're gay. Or put it in his mouth. Yeah. Yeah. You know, all of that. That was a whirlwind. and I forgot how we got that. Oh, the matey in the alleyway. Is he forgiven? No. If you're not attracted with someone, don't use them as a vessel to pleasure yourself. I like the use of vessel there. Well, that's what he's sort of boiled her down to. So why have you put it in Alfie's mouth? No, it's metaphorical. I wouldn't ever do that to him. I respect him way too much to reduce him to that. I mean, it's the bare minimum, really, isn't it?

1:04:56It's not saying you massively respect me by saying you won't do that to me. Do you know what I mean? it's quite a yeah quite a feat Stevie ah he's getting it all day long sorry not forgiven then yeah not forgiven yeah not forgiven no no no and that that was just from start to finish no no okay I got a short one come on no cut it because she won't come on she will not come on no yeah no let's not laugh at the stupid stuff that was laddie that was horrible horrible horrible shall we see shall we see if we can do one without any laddie humour. Yeah. Okay, let's do this one then. Yeah. I once was asked to go into my girlfriend's mum's room to find something, asking me to look through drawers, etc., to find it.

1:05:42I stumbled upon a lady finger vibrator. Later that evening, everyone was out of the house and I snuck upstairs, took it from the drawer and used it. I still feel guilty today. Please don't judge me. I cleaned it before and after, but still. This is a go. They haven't told me. Wait, so say it again. It's their girlfriend's mum. Yeah, could be lesbians. It's like a gay girl or a... Bloke who shoved a ladyfinger up his bum. What's a ladyfinger? That's not laddie. I'm just paraphrasing the story. Yeah. Make it easier for the... Do you know what I mean? What's a ladyfinger vibrator? I don't know. That feels like a very specific type.

1:06:15How the fuck would I know? I think it's a... You've got a flashlight, haven't you? Not anymore. I've been there. Did you? No, I'm joking. I've never had one. Hmm. What is a ladyfinger then? Well, we can just... it's going to be a small, buzzy thing the size of a lady's finger. Isn't it? Why would it be the same size as a lady's finger? Why is it called lady fingers? That's the one thing ladies don't need. Fingers? They've got ten of them. You know what I mean? They don't vibrate, though. Two thumbs, to be fair. Fair enough. Oh, someone's went uni. It is hard to talk about stuff like that without saying anything.

1:06:54Well, what's to be... It's not on. It's not odd. That's someone else's ladyfinger. Yeah. Get your own. Yeah. I think it's fucking... Use your girlfriend's ladyfingers. I think it's fucking odd that you would take your girlfriend's mum's sex. Hang on, why are we even debating this? This is the most made to one. How much does one need to masturbate? Do you know what I'm trying to say? Yeah, yeah. But this is the worst confession anybody has possibly ever sent into the show. They've taken their girlfriend's mother's sex toy and has used it on themselves. Yeah, just chill. We get swept up in the comedy of this sometimes.

1:07:35Tell him. Tell him, then. I am. Do it. Go further with it. Mental. Mental, mental, mental. Yeah? Yeah. Not forgiven, then. No. No. Not forgiven. Don't use other people's sex toys. No. About consent. No. No. Disgusting. Yucky, yucky, yucky. Do you want to see? I've got the photo, the wall. Is it the photo of you under the wall? are you looking sad in front of me? I'm under the wall, but there's nothing on my leg on the phone. Oh, lies. Mum's fear over wall. Oh, you're sad. Why do you look like, ah, the wall's going to fall on me? I see. I'll put, obviously, for the audio listeners and the visual listeners, this will be on screen.

1:08:09For the audio listeners, that's irrelevant. Oh, God, look at you, mate. I look like a kid from This Is England, What does the headline say? It says, Mum's fear over wall. And it says, concerned, Beverly by the wall. That's a weird surname. What? Oh, Beverly by the wall she fears could fall on her children. Oh, you just can't read. A Norwich mother is appealing for action to prevent an unstable wall from toppling over in her back garden. I thought I made up the leg thing then, didn't I? Jesus, I had a vision. Maybe that didn't make the edit. I can't remember. Beverly fears the blah, blah, blah, the Milecross Council.

1:08:46I've done nothing about this. A friend's daughter who popped round to play has already suffered a cut and bruised leg. That's where I got it from. Can't you avoid the wall? Why can't they avoid the wall? It should play somewhere else, no? She claimed the matter was reported to the city council in June. Oh, no, that's not on it. But it said it did not have a record of the complaint. An inspector visited the home at the beginning of August and agreed it was dangerous, but since then nobody's been to repair it. Wow. The bloody government. Poor form. Yeah, that's the bloody Starmer's Britain. Yeah.

1:09:16That was Thursday, September the 9th, 1999. I was three. Before the millennia. Yeah. Wow. Good on you, mate. Yeah. Well done. Got that wool fixed, didn't you? Yeah, forgiven. Thank you. Okay. What about the thing with the kid's mum? I don't want anything sexual, Stevie. Do one that's not sexual. Nothing sexual. Thank you. A few years back, my now wife and I woke up after a night out in town and both needed a poo at the same time. Do something sexual. But neither of us could hold it in. We raced through to the bathroom and she got to the toilet first and I was turtle heading like never before. No, I do.

1:09:55Can I press the button? Wait, give it a second. Poo stuff. Give it a second. I hate poo stuff. You pooed in a pillowcase and flung it at people. Alf, Steve. Don't blame me. Yeah, Alfie. Stevie, why do you always have to throw me under the fucking bus? I'm just saying, you're complaining about a story that could be similar to that. I didn't come on here going, guys, I pooed in a pillowcase. Yes, you did. That's exactly how I know. Oh. Yeah, but that was then. I'm mature now when he's not sucking my dick I'm mature which is rare let's see if you can be mature through this one wife's got onto the toilet he hasn't managed to and he is I quickly waddled to the kitchen and grabbed a carrier bag before returning to the bathroom sitting over the bath and dropping my load into a carrier bag while my partner was sitting on the toilet still shitting and laughing in hysterics it wasn't my finest moment and I felt very vulnerable but it was nothing on what was to come after I finished I put the bag into another carrier bag and then into another carrier bag and put that outside the door outside the front door of the flat which was three floors up with the view of taking it downstairs to the main bin later do it now, straight to the bin if only I wasn't so lazy a couple of hours later we were in bed watching TV and her mum returned home she walked in saying what's in the bag I stared at my partner silently begging for her to what's in the bag i stared at my partner silently begging her to come up with an excuse and she just said just some rubbish to take out phew maybe she'll put it down and move on her mum then entered the room holding the bag before proclaiming well if it smells like shit and it looks like shit i could smell it from coming up in from the main door and at this point i understood the phrase of wanting the world to swallow you up i hid under the covers an embarrassment when my partner said and i'll use my real name because fuck it it can't get any worse re-shat in a bag and put it at the front door i couldn't believe it would have happily went into cardiac arrest that moment and i'm surprised i didn't thankfully she was understanding and calm i then took it to the main bin outside right away last time i'll make that mistake although i have shat in a bag since during an identical situation but luckily it was our own place laziness you can't forgive laziness can you yes quite a lot of times yeah don't know why i said that i just think the pooing in the bag's fine you found an out cut you found like a escape route but then you should just put it in the bin it's not nice for everyone else living there it is weird to not just take it down yeah like there's lazy and there's i've shat in a bag and I'll do it later.

1:12:34Yeah. Do you know what I mean? That's too much. I can't forgive this. I made a hot chocolate once, forgot about it, left it in my room, went on holiday for two weeks, came back. What did it look like? It stunk of sick. Yeah, it would do. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why I said that. You wouldn't leave a shit though, would you? No, I'd probably put... Yeah, if I shat in a bag, Steve, I'd put that in the big bag. I would sooner shit myself than shit in a bag. No, what? What? Yeah. That's meant... I'm not shitting in a bag, mate. what you're not I'm shitting your pants yeah I just shit my pants done it before I do it again I was speaking to a lad once that was playing golf and he said that he proper shat his pants on the ninth hole and he said that it mainly went in his boxer shorts so he took the boxer shorts off he said it was still all over my hind legs and then he said he's carried on playing the back nine you wouldn't would you just covered in poo pack it in pack it in Golf can't be that good.

1:13:33No, pack in. I suppose you might have been there all day, though. He said he was like four under and was like, I'm doing well here. Yeah, I kind of get it. Do you? Yeah, I get it. I just need to be clean all the time. Yeah. I'm not saying it's preferable, but... I used a B-Day for the first time the other day. How was that? In Japan, they have their mad futuristic toilets. Horrible. Have you used one? I tried at my nan's. I couldn't go through with it. Fucking weird. Yeah. Can you say what you told me? What did I tell you? Why you didn't like it? What did I say? I can't remember. I don't know if you'll want me to share it.

1:14:15Go on, go on. I've shared a lot worse and I will share a lot worse. Oh, it's a text, yeah. Send it to him, forward it to him. Have you found it already? I don't know what this is. Could be anything. So you text Fee whilst from Japan, I'm guessing. bee? I was in Japan, yeah, and I just used it and I text. What could it be? So a b-day is obviously just like water spraying into your bum hole. Your anus. What could he compare that to? I'm guessing he's comparing it to something. Yeah, it's like a tongue.

1:14:49Come on, Fee, send it over because this is a state of panic I'm in right now. It's not right. Yeah, right. So I said, I don't like the b-day though. Such a weird feeling fee said what turns you on too much i said want to know the truth it started spraying my balls and i was like this is weird as fuck and then i realized i had it on the lady setting

1:15:15well you're there i mean horrible absolutely horrible but what's the on the bum it feels too tender you can imagine what it feels like you know how you said once that you can imagine what it's like to lick anything. Yeah, I always sing that. Yeah. You remember, like, you know what it's going to be like. Imagine like a tiny little shoot sprinkling of water, like quite, it's got a good stream to it. Too powerful. Imagine that on your actual rim. Could you change the settings? You could, yeah, but I already had it quite soft and it was really tickly. And then on the balls, it was like having a little fairy, just fucking use your balls as a punching bag.

1:15:52Tinkerbell. Tinker balls? Something there, isn't there? There's something there. There's something there. We'll let them use it. Yeah. Well, I'm glad. You're not going to get one for your own house then. No, I hate it. Fair enough. So what was that then? What was that one? That was shitting in a bag, leaving it at the door. It can't be forgiven. No. It's unsanitary. Not forgiven. Why has the mum picked that up and taken it in? She's weird as well. Yeah, why could she not have gone, what's that shit at the door? Knowing it's a bag of shit. Because she did say, this is a bag of shit. Yeah, yeah.

1:16:21Why are you picking it up then? Yeah. If I come across a bag and it smells like shit, I am not going to ever look in it. No. No. Okay, that's shit. Yeah. Done. Shall we do one more? Go on then, one more quick one. There's an absolute mental one in here, by the way, that I didn't know if I'd actually want to say on the pod. But I don't know why they've told us. And then this person, I think, has also commented on the Reddit saying, please read my one, it's about this. And I was like, what? Read that and tell me if that's... No, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, because that is fucking mental.

1:16:54on if this person wants it read so much, we'll read it. We won't even give a reaction. You can end the pod on this, Stevie, and people on Reddit. Well, this is something one of our actual listeners has done. That's what they've put in. The people on Reddit can comment on this. I'm pretty sure we know which way this is going to go. I will say, before we do that one, I'm just going to say one other thing from the live show before. Back in 2023, I came to the Round Sheep Tour with my fiancé. We saw the confessions box and decided we needed to come up with a great confession, because why not? What's the harm in lying for comedy?

1:17:23We submitted our confession into the box And somehow it got picked The confession was basically saying That my partner fucked Mattie Healy On a night out in Manchester Oh my god I remember it We only decided on this Knowing how much Stevie hates Mattie And how far-fetched it was She was on the front row I've told loads of people that But when it was pulled out of the box We just had to keep the lie going She's never even met Mattie Healy Nor has she ever been on a night out in Manchester We made it all up on the spot People came up to us after the show Asking if it was true And we kept up the lie adding more detail to the story for these random strangers.

1:17:56Wait, someone got, one of them got a tattoo. I now have a tattoo that Jack drew for me saying, I love the 1975, despite the fact that, one, it was a lie, and two, I can't fucking stand Matty on the 1975. Please forgive us, I've been waiting to submit this. Holy shit. Well, you got your comeuppance. Yeah. You got your karma. Yeah. You go around lying, you get egg in your face. Or a shit tattoo. Yeah. You must have lied loads. Thanks. Am I actually reading this one? Yeah, we'll leave a pod on it. Alfie and I are not going to give any reaction. We're going to say goodbye. Great shot. Straight in the bin.

1:18:37Did you see that? Straight in the bin. That was straight in the bin. This has been Happy Hour. This has been your confessions. And this confession is up to you, the listeners, slash the Reddit, slash the Spotify comments, to decide whether or not this person's forgiven. We'll see you in a few days. We shouldn't leave for saying, should we? Why? It's just bad. Well, there at the end of the pod, this is your trigger warning. If you listen from here on in and you get offended, you're the cunt. When I was about six years old, I accidentally killed a kitten because my mum caught me touching them. That's fucking horrible.

1:19:06I'm not listening to this. I'm going for a week. I'm not listening to that shit. Our cat had had kittens and mum told me not to touch them under any circumstances, otherwise I'll be in a lot of trouble. when she was busy I snuck into the spare room where the kittens were sleeping and started stroking and playing with them then all of a sudden mum walked in and out of sheer panic I fucking lobbed this kitten yeah you can't keep that in you can't keep that in cut like that yeah probably bleep all of it as well and that nutter listens to this show yeah fucking hell

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1:20:33It's a collection of real love stories about five couples that met on Hinge. The stories are written and read by Tembi Dinton Hurst, Nicola Dynan, Curtis Garner, Raven Smith, and Rufy Thorpe. I, Hunter Harris, wrote and read the foreword. The audiobook's out now. Give it a listen.