666 - Designing Our NIGHTMARE Day!

29:34And then the Whopper, based on you. Because you're a Whopper. Why'd you have to double down on that one? And you're a big dick. Are you alright over there? Twice. I don't think he likes it when we say he's got a big dick. He doesn't like good things. He doesn't like good things. He likes being called a nuns. He doesn't like being successful with a massive penis. Good things make me uncomfortable. I managed to get a team... Like your big dick does to people. I managed to get a team of genuine 20 McDonald's staff to work at this party making these burgers, which is amazing, right? Because they already know how to make the burgers.

30:09Unfortunately, well, fortunately, I got them at a huge discount. And then I realized that they're just the entire McDonald's staff from McDonald's Mousehold in Norwich. So we'll never get the food. Which is very Norwich-centric. Basically, listeners, there's a new McDonald's open up in Norwich at Mousehold. And Stevie backed me on this. It is the worst fucking McDonald's. We've spoken about it on here before, because you ordered from there. It's so funny. You may remember the New Year's Eve I ordered from there, and they sent me two of them. But after about seven hours of waiting. But now Stevie and I have this thing that whenever we go there, and we never learn our lesson, we still just go back there.

30:46You avoid it where you can. But even yesterday, Jack came to pick me up, and he was like, I'm leaving my house in five. I'll be with you soon. Then was with me about 40 minutes later. One chicken mayo, I timed it, 17 minutes it took. And I was the only one in there. It is the worst place I've ever been. It's mad, it's mad. So I've never, in your nightmare world, I'm actually just not getting food. You probably will never get it. But what you will get at a premium rate are the milkshakes. And the milkshakes, the milk have been supplied by McQueen's Dairy. I don't know you love them. So they're going to overcharge me for it.

31:21I'm going to overcharge you. Even when I say I don't want it. £10.50 a milkshake. I like a milkshake. I know you do. I'm not using that company. You're not too keen on McQueen. Okay, so my options here. Ask KFC. Well, that's obviously the nightmare because in Jack's world, there's actually technically nothing bad. But he didn't give you breakfast either. You're going to be quite hungry by now. Yeah, you can get through a bath. No, I'm saying I have to unpick it. Yours is the worst one out of those. So I have to select hobbies. I reckon you'll be so hungry, you'll proper get into it. Like I'll have the drumstick out my arse.

31:51You'll be snuffling like a pig looking for truffles. Yeah, you will. you will okay i'm snuffling jack's ass good good good good we just want to hear you say it now um nighttime activity robbie i'm glad you touched on this sort of sets me up uh you know all the times we call you a paedophile on the podcast for some reason you're absolutely fine with it i'm aware yeah you you're so accepting of it as a joke i did think of letting you go to sort of like an under 18s nightclub with a fake id and letting your room free do you need a fake id to go to a he's a fucking lion also pervert lion has been released from captivity it also goes against the narrative of me looking way too old yeah but you got a fake id yeah i did i'm 17 i did think of that but by this point i'd kind of realized that i should be doing your night that day yeah i thought right let's stop with the non stuff because you love all that so um so so so i wanted to make this day a bit hellish for you um so i organized a nighttime activity based on something you genuinely hate i've got you 25 of the most beautiful supermodels in the world all in all in stunning lingerie all specifically tailored to your idea of perfection i've also got a permission slip from your wife and of course the consent of all 25 women and you have to get off with all of them you probably have to bang a few of them too they're gonna be so all over you and you're gonna be like i'm gonna be like prank like how gay i am in that scenario as Well, come.

33:21Yeah. So that's the nighttime activity. That is right. You're definitely not gay. You're having sex with like 25 women. Yeah, but he said I have to. It does imply I'm not wanting to. Yeah. Big nightmare for you there. Yeah, go on. You've done the same thing. You've done the same thing, haven't you? Now that you're bald, fat, mentally weak and have big teeth, you're going to go for a topless photo shoot, stood next to your gym friend, Darren Huckabee, who's been hitting the creatine and getting extra ripped for summer. You'll be in a sauna to maximise sweating, and the photos will be posted for your Instagram account with the caption, Beach Ready, who wants to suck my ice lolly, and then in brackets, Dick.

34:02I like the clarification. Just in case anyone didn't understand. See, even after losing some weight, that would still be my nightmare now. Yeah, I know. Oh, I know this. Huckabee as a man in his 40s, late 40s, early 40s. He's up there. Is he close to your age? I think he's about right. I think either 50 or approaching 50 very soon. It's still, wow, isn't he? Yeah. 50 on the dot. Bullseye. And he's still six pack and all. Like I am now, still not a fan of this without a top on. And next to him, it would look so much worse. Thanks to Robbie. Wow, thank you. I don't mind if you're watching that, actually.

34:43Next time. So between those two, I'd rather not do the photo shoot with Robbie, weirdly. Okay, so you will be in a sauna with Darren Huckabee. And then finally, where does he end up, Robbie? Where does he have his nightcap? Cherapungi, which is also in Megaliah. It's the close second for the World's Wettest Place, and it has held the record for decades. The two towns essentially trade the title. So I wanted to make sure that if it was a bad, if it was a good weather day in the other place, that you'd also have the chance of the second wedding. Where is Cherupungi? It's just down the road from the other one in India.

35:18That's ideal as well. Don't have to travel too far. No, not really. Nice. Okay. Yeah. Nothing really. If you do, the little travel between them, you will go in like a taxi for a bit. You will get dry. That won't be a job. Like it, Robbie. Yeah, pure torture. I can't really think of where you should end up. And then one of our old podcast co-hosts called me. Yeah. Not Doody. and he wanted to know if we wanted to go chill around theirs. Just got on Discord and that. So I was like, well, not really for me. You were all over it. You were like, you really got on with them. Huntley said he wouldn't be seen dead around someone like that.

35:54So he didn't go. So you're just sort of going to go around his and talk about all the bad YouTubers and stuff for the night. Would I rather be... I'd rather spend the day in a wet place. Okay. Which means I have to end the day... Making a collab. With he who shall not be named. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Right. That confirms it then. We have your official nightmare day. That was quite stressful, isn't it? It's hard to get through as the person having to make these decisions. I know. So, Stevie, this is your official nightmare day in honour of episode 666. You wake up at your neighbour's house, right? Fucking hell.

36:34That's a great start, isn't it? Yeah, but don't worry, though, because I don't think anything happened. Instead, he just made you a breakfast. He put a banana in my arse. It's kind of... He just made me eat that. He made me eat that. It's so much funnier that by using that together. Yeah. He's done it. Yeah. Then you have to get dressed for the day, so you put on your lovely crisp linen white cloak with a big pointy white hat, slashered, and then you go to your mum's for a barbecue. you byron's there maca shag sir uh robbie probably did as well from the i'm inferring that at the same time uh robbie you are in the corner enjoying a burger you go over and you hand stevie a gift inside the box is a black box that you fit in your car and anytime you go even slightly over the speed limit a dog shits on your drive uh for some reason you're hanging around all day with matty healy ian watkins and ian huntley for some reason you picked those people you picked them mate yep thanks robbie and then uh you get a bit hungry after all the bants with the labs throughout the day so you start to snuffle uh a kfc out of my arse twice in one day yeah you pick one of them it's like a it's like just i had to go with one of them it's only twice now this is funny because in this one that you've chosen you're just you you're not the big fat teethy mess so you're just you as you are now in a sauna with harry huckabee taking photos i said that still i still fucking ate that yeah i know you still you get you get made fat for it yeah well you just snuff okay so yeah so you're a bit bloated at least and then um at the end you're doing a collab round i'm alex's yeah it's not amazing no it's not that's your that's your nightmare day rate that out of 10 how like how much you'd like that what'd be the worst bit of that for you is it the cloak is it the snuffling is it the watkins weirdly weirdly the banana i was gonna so weirdly the things out your ass wouldn't be nice no i know but would if i had to choose between spending a day no one's ever said this sentence before in the history of mankind if i had to choose between spending a day with ian watkins and ian huntley yeah or taking kfc out of jack's ass yeah would i take one for the team to be fair they're both horrible horrible terrible people two of the worst to ever exist, but...

38:50She's just awesome. But you're only sort of around them, isn't you? It's not great. It's a day with them. Yeah. It's a day that's going to be stressful anyway. Yeah. It's not great optics. No. No. They're only going to egg on his neighbour. Oh, yeah. Fucking hell, yeah. Yeah, that's probably the worst part. That's the worst part. This episode is brought to you by Disclosure Day. Now, for those of you that don't know, Steven Spielberg has got a brand new film out. Yes, the goat himself. And it's called Disclosure Day. Oh, I love Spielberg. Love that man. Growing up, his films were such a huge part of my childhood.

39:29I'm talking Jaws. Weird to watch as a kid. Loved it. Jurassic Park. Incredible. E.T. What a movie. I love how his films combine curiosity with fear. So you don't really often see the shark in Jaws, but you feel it. It's so tense. That's exactly why Jaws is in my top Spielberg films. I'm going Jaws and Jurassic Park. Absolute classic. Okay, okay. I'm going The Terminal, where Tom Hanks has to live in an airport for a year. And I'm going Catch Me If You Can, another Tom Hanks classic. And now, of course, Spielberg is back with his favourite genre of sci-fi with Disclosure Day, a film that asks, what would we do if we found out we weren't alone?

40:11I'm excited to see how he handles that, Stevie. and let me tell you who's in the film. We've got Emily Blunt, Josh O 'Connor, Colin Firth and Coleman Domingo. It's a completely original story as well. Spielberg, at his best, has to be seen on the big screen. Disclosure Day is in cinemas now, so make sure you book your tickets and check it out. Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands you need. From athletic stuff, like a full-court pickup game, swish, to athletic-ish stuff, like a half-mile stroll. Get those steps in. And for morning hikes up the mountain trail, good pace. It's a nighttime ghost choice from the camping chair.

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42:28Shake your eyes. You wake up at home in brand new fresh pajamas, in fresh bedding. Nice. You've been made your favourite breakfast of... You know your favourite breakfast, don't you? Your favourite breakfast is... Sausages. Sausages, yeah. Loads of sausages. You go into your lovely garden. The birds are chirping. It's early June. Have I made the coffee? Well, you'll have to see. The sun's rising. It's already warm, in fact. You have a perfect mug of coffee. Fresh, hot coffee ready to drink outside. Now, weirdly in this make-believe world, the clocks go back at the end of Robbie hour. So you get double Robbie hour.

43:01Two Robbie hours. your garden chair is set up ready to go in the glow of the morning sunshine. Can I have my eyes? Yeah. So you take a slow walk over to it, coffee in hand, just making sure you carefully manoeuvre and step over the corpses of your slaughtered family who have been brutally murdered in the night. But my word is it a good coffee. Not all bad. And also, your favourite kid survived.

43:26What a coffee though. Right? Fucking hell. That's not great. That is not great. I would object, but I know what I've written for you.

43:40So, not the legs you stand upon. Right, okay. Okay, so that's not great. Yeah, crime scene, but also idyllic. Mine does sound peaceful still. Mine's really not that bad after that, so it's fine. What do you mean? He's got a coffee, linen pyjamas. And a murdered family. Yeah, that is a caveat. slaughtered I believe is the word you used yeah this is actually quite nice so you're fine now Robbie started the day in Norwich at your house as well and I actually woke you up at 8am let you have a lie in you don't famously like lions though do you? exactly to most people it sounds like a nightmare I think you might be picking mine it does sound like a nightmare I think so but it did mean that Robbie misses his famous Robbie hour where he spends an hour on his own in his garden with a coffee.

44:34And more importantly than that, it also meant from his waking moment, every minute of the day, I will be by your side. You want the murdered family, don't you? Which one's worse, Robbie? I like you, though. I'm waking you up at 8am, you've missed Robbie Hour, and I will be with you every single day. Yeah, but I'm not waking up early because I want to wake up early. If I had the chance to sleep away, I'd be delighted. Would you? Well, yeah, to get like a good... You say I've got like 10 hours sleep. That sounds amazing. What, does your body just wake you up early? Yes. And you can't go back to sleep?

45:09No, I wake up like five or four something. Have you always been like that? Yes. What time do you wake up? I sleep well. I go to bed really easily. Yeah. So... What time do you normally... I can give you my exact stats from last night. Yeah, go on. And then we'll have yours, Stevie. What, so even when you were... What happens... You know when you were like a teenager and you get hammered? 4.39 I woke up today. Fucking hell. What time do you go to bed, sleep? 10.09. That's when you went to sleep. Yeah. So I've had six hours, 20 minutes sleep. And you feel all right on that? I feel okay, yeah. But it gives me a sleep score.

45:4180's good, and I've got 75. What's your optimum amount of sleep that you like to get? The times when I've got eight hours, I feel unbelievable. I feel like I could achieve anything. If I slept eight hours a day, I'd be like Prime Minister and shit. I wouldn't be here. Making jokes about nonsense and stuff. i'm only here because i don't sleep well i'd be like if i got eight hours a day i would not even have acknowledged you in the street amazing wow so when you were when you if you get hammered yeah oh awful what time do you wake up after you get hammered i just don't sleep well but those stats let me find a recent day of drinking right i'm so intrigued by this when did i last get hammered.

46:26That day looks like I got hammered. So it gives you a score out of 80. Do you want... I want to sting tonight. There's a day I got a score of 11. What was I doing then? What did I do on the... What did you say, wanking? Yeah, I don't know why. What did you say, wanking? I'm just in full happy hour mode at the minute, mate. I need to fucking carve it. What did I do on the 20th? I love we do all this shit and then we just get in the car and we just fucking talk about the weather. Oh, I was just drinking all day. Yeah. Yeah. So I got an 11 and I had 2 hours and 53 minutes of actual sleep. I'll tell you what is a Robbie Knox video I want to see.

47:03What's that? I want to see you try and get one sleep score. How would you do that? Maybe when we do our 30 pub pub crawl. I don't want to... I don't want to get one sleep score. I want to go and sleep more. Yeah, but I think it would be a good video. Trying to get the worst sleep possible. I'm not far off. I've got 11. Robbie, Joel and I want to do a video where we go to 30 Norwich pubs in a day. How much are you going to drink? Half pint in each one, but after that half pint you have to move on. I don't know anything about this video. I just said we wanted to go in the pub crawl. Oh, well, Joel and I want to do it and then I told you about it in the car a few weeks ago and you said in.

47:40I was in the pub crawl. Was I in? Oh, no, I was in. Yeah, I was in. Yeah, I was in. We saw a guy who goes around the country doing pub crawls and he did 20 in a day and Joel and I theorised that we could do 30. So that's going to... You'll be absolutely hammered. Can we do a pub crawl that's just a nice pub crawl sometime as well? Yeah. I really want to do just a nice... One that doesn't end up... I really want us to hang out. Yeah, we shall. Okay, yeah, we'll do that. I was walking past the Adam and Eve the other day in the sun and I thought, love Norwich, love Norwich. You messaged me again, I'll just love Norwich.

48:14I know, mate, it's class. Robbie, would you like to have a lion, no Robbie hour and spend the whole day with me or would you like a double Robbie hour and your whole family gets brutally murdered Jax is the worst one I like I do like my family I forgot to write in mine that because you've had a lion you missed your whole family getting brutally murdered at 5am I'd be better rested to deal with it yeah right so that's my one okay so do you want me to go first on breakfast yeah go on Em what's Robbie having for his hellish breakfast so on Robbie we start the day with an absolutely lovely cooked breakfast together.

48:53Even had some square sausage delivered in from Scotland. Wow. And it was all looking absolutely incredible. But annoyingly, because I didn't wake Robbie up until 8am, there wasn't actually time for breakfast because we had to do the school run. And Robbie was in an awful mood and panicking because he forgot the school run was a thing because he isn't usually home. Right. So we got the kids ready, gave Bev breakfast in bed, but Robbie didn't have any time to eat. So he's just going without food? No food, and he's got to deal with the kids. Hungry. Quite like my family. And also, I haven't had breakfast today.

49:30Have you not? No. Not really. No, I just didn't have breakfast, and then I'm a professional. I want to get here on time and get these done and smash it out. Fair enough. It's aggressive. So in my one, you and your favourite kid are enjoying the coffee I made for you. I know it's funny because I know you're picturing one.

49:52and uh i've made you sausages i know how much you love sausages so you've got 15 sausages each uh and you're loving it you sit there together enjoying your sausages listening to the early morning bad song that's it so i sit there with isaac eating my kids yeah well i yeah i don't have a favorite of mine i like that yeah you know in that scenario though you are choosing for all three of your kids to be murdered yeah but yeah so you're sat there with isaac stevie's nine-year-old and you're just eating sausages together in the garden no it depends what he's gonna say next i'd like to remove isaac from this he said that's the end that's it that's it that's it okay that's it but it is isaac so remember that okay i'm not sure i want to be involved in this now it's my Nightmare Day's done.

50:43Yeah, no, Isaac's fine in this. Okay. So would you rather have no breakfast or have 15 sausages with Isaac? I'd have 15 sausages with Isaac. Well, you'd rather that, so that means you're having no breakfast. No breakfast. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, yeah. So maybe no breakfast, yeah. Yeah, no breakfast during the school run. Missing breakfast and giving birth breakfast in bed instead. Okay. So clothes for the day. Clothes for the day, yeah. Who wants to go? I'll kick it off. Robbie I remember before you said you like being naked or you don't mind being naked so lucky for you you're going to be wearing your birthday suit all day you are going to be completely naked not a single thing on your body there might be something in your body you're open to the idea of being pegged all day long you're walking around naked little dildo up the bum so you're fully naked all day long you have a strap on inside your anus is it a strap on or a dildo two different things let's go strap on okay so that means the straps are just hanging out like imagine you wear it like a thong and then that bit just pops in which in hindsight is probably lucky that you didn't pick Isaac because that would have been an awkward break you're welcome thank you okay so clothes for the day this is probably the worst part of the day I've planned for Robbie to be honest I told Robbie that he could only choose from things he already owned.

52:10Oh, okay. Which, obviously, as we... You're just going to say any of his clothes on. It's not amazing. So we... I do dress like shit. Famous. Well, we have a look through Robbie's wardrobe together and he ends up having to wear the skirt, which he hasn't wore since tour. You've got to work that back out. I've got a new skirt. The people who made the skirt sent me a new version of the skirt. Have you worn it? I haven't, no. Do you like it? I do like it, yeah. What colour is it? It's exactly the same as the other one, but the other one worn out. you wore it out yeah yeah worn it on tour well on tour for occasion me I swear how do you wear a skirt out what same way you wear trousers out yeah but it doesn't even go over your knees so you don't even get the no it did it was a long skirt it did go over the knees and there's buckles and stuff it was just freeing no no literally one of the lines in the tour was the difference between a dress and a skirt Jack okay I can't remember tour can I I can't remember last week mate yeah so Robbie has to wear the skirt which he hasn't wore since tour and the support the strikes t-shirt that he also hasn't wore since Tom.

53:10Okay. All right. Okay. Odd mix. Are you ever going to bust the skirt out again? Potentially. You've got to pick your occasion where to wear it. Why? Surely the logic is that you could just wear it. The argument being, if men can wear a skirt, you can wear it wherever. I had a conversation with Nicky Wire from the Manic Street Preachers once, because he wore skirts. What sentence? This is years ago, and I was saying to him, this is going back 15 years, and I said to him, I'd quite like to wear a skirt, but I don't have the guts to wear a skirt. Right. And he said, you've got to pick where you wear it.

53:47He goes, you can't just wear it to the football. Yeah, true. I was like, fair enough. Would you wear it to the pub? Depends on the pub. Murderers. World Cup's on. No one. It's not the football. It's made up the football. Nah, it depends. Murderers like England game, nah. Murderers before I go to the theatre on a Thursday afternoon, maybe. Fine. Scotland game you could Right Yeah Kilt's are fine aren't they Yeah Draw a tartan thing on it Draw a tartan thing on it A tartan A tartan Do you want to be naked With a strap on up your bum Or do you want to wear The skirt and the Strikes t-shirt That's the nicer thing to wear I think The worst thing would be Up the bum Might be enjoyable Neither are awful No

54:36If I'm at home I'm fine with either. Right, okay. Robbie's naked then with the thingy up his bum bum. I can't believe this. Daytime activity. Where are you taking Robbie for his daytime activity? I booked Robbie and myself day return flights to Barcelona. Oh, I love that. I love Barcelona. So we can go for a day of beers and tapas. Brilliant. And it was super exciting because I don't think I've ever experienced an airport with you. We haven't flown anywhere together, have we? Dublin? No, we got the ferry. We've never flown anywhere together. And Robbie is the self-proclaimed, I wrote God of airports, but King of airports.

55:16And I've never seen him in action before. So Robbie and I get to the airport and I pass through security. But then when I hear some beeping, I turn. I look back and see Robbie has been pulled to the side and his bag's being checked. Robbie's escorted away and into a high security room. I'm told that I have to wait outside the room for him. Frustratingly, for the next two hours, I couldn't see what was happening, but I did hear an occasional whimper from Robbie. It'd be the strapping up the bum, wouldn't it? Yeah, if it got mail in, that would have set off the thing. Yeah, and it's full metal, I forgot to say.

55:47Full metal strap on. Weirdly... That's a great band name. Weirdly... We're seeing them at download. The bit where I go and get violated by security isn't as bad as the shame of making a mistake. If you'd just left it at you've got a bottle of water in your bag, then I'd be more upset than the other one. You'd be more motivated by that, yeah. I've been in an airport with him. Yeah? When we went to Belgium for the skiing. Oh, yeah. I think so. We did not go skiing in fucking Belgium. All those Belgium ski results. What the fuck are you talking about? Did you fly to Belgium? Yeah, we flew to Belgium, didn't we?

56:27No. Where'd we go, then? To Austria. Same thing, innit? We might have flew to Switzerland. We flew to Germany. Quite possibly. Never been Swiss. So yeah, Germany. Yeah. There we go. So Robbie, in my nightmare day, you have absolutely ballsed up the airport. And I know how much the king of airports That will get to you. Yeah. That will get to you. Yeah, that is upsetting. Robbie, we're going out for the day. So you're going to leave your favourite kids at home for the day. My kid. I've got your pub crawl planned. Hold on. Is Isaac just staying at home with the bodies of the murdered family? Yeah, but fortnight's on so he would barely notice yeah he wouldn't yeah he wouldn't um the other day walking through my living room i just heard you like about it i was like stevie in my fucking house that's all that otto was playing with isaac on fortnight i just heard him in the background i don't want to hear stevie go back his day what's quite funny is otto and isaac have played a few times together recently and robbie put up a picture you put up a picture on your close friend's story in your living room yeah i could see otto in the background with a playstation controller but no headphones on so i ran into the room because i was just in the kitchen i went isaac isaac mute that he muted and i went anything you say will be heard through robbie's tv because i realized he didn't have headphones on i was like whatever you do now because isaac gets so hyped up when he's playing and he just keeps he goes kids are weird and he constantly just says random little things that are like popular at school they'll just go shimmy shimmy yeah, he should be, yeah, he should be, yeah.

57:58For some reason, swallow the lars big at the moment for kids. And I was just like, just be careful because Bev and Robbie might hear anything you say. He doesn't say anything bad. Oh, he crashes out sometimes. Does he? He can get angry. What sort of things are you going to say that I'm going to get a figure out? Oh, nothing, nothing bad. But I just don't want him getting angry and stuff with Otto. Not with Otto, but like on call with Otto. I've got a pub crawl planned for you, Robbie. And it just so happens to be the day that England get to the World Cup final. Right? So there's going to be hundreds of really pissed up, really energetic England fan.

58:28Bank Scotland? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got... I know you're completely naked. I've actually got you an England... Scotland shirt. Oi! He's not completely naked. He's got the... But, yeah. So I've got you a Scotland shirt. Yeah. All the England lads are in there. They all love you. I don't know if they love you, but they all recognise you. They're talking to you. Probably cocaine involved. And I've got you some cocaine. Right? I've got you some... Cool. Yep. I've got you loads of cocaine, some ketamine as well I know what you're thinking wouldn't this be a bit embarrassing for you because you're naked from the waist down with a thing up your bum but you will be sat down at our favourite table in the murderers so it'll only be when people come up and ask for a selfie with you that they'll see your cock in the background of that so yeah that's your day England Scotland who knows what the score will be yeah I mean I get what you're doing here yeah But Scotland never got past the first round of a major tournament.

59:28You think we're going to get to the World Cup final? We're going to be gutted? You've got to do loads of ketamine. I probably will anyway. If you're going to get to the World Cup final, I'm doing loads of ketamine. You said cocaine. Don't change the drug. You said both. Oh, both. Yeah. I don't really know enough about ketamine to know what the implications of that are. So would you rather absolutely balls up an airport trip? Or would you... watch Scotland in the World Cup final. I mean, the Jets won. I don't really want to do cocaine and ketamine. I'm going to do so much that I die. No, you'll do just enough that you don't die.

1:00:04Okay. You'll have a mini B. Honestly, mate, I probably already have by this point of the day. And also, I finally got killed in the morning. Let's be honest, Robbie, you're having a mini B if you fuck up at the airport. King of airports can't mess up. Which one would you least prefer, Robbie? I'd at least prefer the airport one because Scotland are getting to the World Cup final. I don't think you can understand. But you are naked in a pub with thousands of England. If Scotland get to the World Cup final, I'm getting naked in the pub. I'm taking cocaine and I'm taking ketamine and that's a promise.

1:00:39I'm going to let you choose the scoreline, right? It's 6-0 England, four goals in the first half. Are you carrying on your day when he was selecting the... are you adding to this I think you I don't think it's going to change yeah go on carry on 6-0 to Scotland to England sorry 4 goals in the first half or 1-0 to England 93rd minute header from England 6-0 England 4 goals in the first half right because the 1-0 would be too heartbreaking just get hammered have a nice time doesn't matter yeah fair enough so which are you picking the airport for the night Matt the 1-0 is what would happen with Scotland just to be clear that was 100 % what always happened yeah draw last time on it.

1:01:20Yeah. So nightmare is airport. Nightmare is airport, yeah. Yeah. And then Stevie, what gift are you going to give Robbie on his day? I didn't get Robbie anything because he's a man who's already got everything. Much like how I didn't get you anything. Exactly. Can you get him a monster? Yeah. Yeah, monster. Did you guys just forget to do it? No, I wrote out the sentence and went to the next one because I had something came to my head and then I forgot to go back to it. Right. Sorry. Robbie, that's the worst because I haven't got a present. I've got you a terrible gift. Robbie, how do you like the sound of books?

1:01:51I don't mind books. You love books. I like books. Robbie, how do you like the sound of ladies' boobs? I love ladies' boobs. Robbie, how do you like the sound of a book full of pictures of ladies' boobs? Really needs to know who the lady is. Well, this is your nightmare day, so I've got you a book full of pictures of ladies' boobs, but all the boobs are the boobs of women of your own age. Sad face. Sad face? Yeah. Did you write the word sad face? Yeah, sad face. Okay, cool. Yeah, sad face, yeah. So each page, 49. I didn't think this could get better than Scotland Reads of the World Cup final. So I got you nothing, Robbie.

1:02:32So you're picking between no gift or tits. Nothing is worse than a book of tits. Cut that out. Cut that out. You know, you just said the sentence, nothing is worse than a book of tits Gandhi I would rather have the book of tits which means nothing is the thing that gets in Robbie is not getting a gift now Robbie I tried to book three people to come along on your day but you know me I left it quite late so to ensure I actually did have three people come up I texted everybody on the planet and then And I'll be honest, 22 people confirmed last minute. I felt bad because I thought it should only be three, but then I thought, fuck it, we make the rules here.

1:03:22So you've got 22 of the most random people in the world coming along for the day, right? These are just the people that replied. So these are the people that are coming. Dan Trelfer, Mark the Sexy Lawyer, Andrew Tate, Gavin, Jeff Hurst, Tubes, Lady Sovereign, Yanna Mize, Ian Watkins from Steps, not The Rapist, P Diddy, the rapist Ian Rush, Ian Wright Ian from Tension Mark Goldbridge, Ailish Morrison Our tour bus driver Which one? Which tour? Tour one. Jamie Hull Will.i.am, Gerwin Price John Anarisa, Ennio Luko and iNabber They're the 22. Anyone on that list you don't particularly like? I don't really want to hang out with Andrew Tate Yeah Yeah.

1:04:13I can't remember. Yanomise? Yanomise, I've met Yanomise. Yeah, nice guy. Yeah, yeah. Ian Watkins from Steps? He seems all right. I don't really know a lot about him, other than that he's got the same name as the other one. Ian from Tension? I like Ian from Tension. Yeah, I like Ian. I nearly hung out with Ian from Tension in Barcelona. Did you? Yeah. Wow, that would have been cool. And Einabber, obviously. That'd be great, yeah. Yeah, so they're the 22. Stevie, which three people are coming on Robbie's Nightmare Day? So in Robbie's nightmare day, Robbie actually invited Bambino Becky, cheap holiday expert and Ellis Platten's fiancee, Rose.

1:04:48But sadly, none of them wanted to spend the day with him. But with Robbie and I being stuck in Norwich for the day, it did mean we could just spend the rest of the day with your family. Unfortunately, unfortunately, even though I didn't realize we could make an exception with 22 people, the rule does say we can only bring three people along. so Robbie sits down with Bev, Kitty, Otto and Arlo and had to tell one of them that they weren't allowed to come with us and it was really awkward and uncomfortable and do you know who chose? Who? Go on, tell him. Who did you choose? Who didn't you want to spend a day with?

1:05:24Tell him, Robbie. It was so, honestly, so awkward but I couldn't believe what he said. Honestly, I'd have to leave Bev at home because otherwise you'd just have to do the childcare. I thought the exact same thing but it was really weird because I thought you wouldn't leave a kid at home on their own chose Otto well weird isn't it just so he can fend for himself right so weird right okay so everyone bar Otto yeah great right okay which one would you prefer 22 people or your whole family bar Otto Otto's alone to hang out with yeah they're coming around for the day I'd rather I'd rather Otto on his own it'd be fine see he's only going to fend for himself yeah He's 12 with you, right?

1:06:09Yeah. Yeah, I don't really want to hang out with Andrew Tate. Oh, okay. So that's the worst one. Yeah, right. Okay. Right, so he's going along with those 22 people. Yeah. Fair enough. Then it's time for dinner. Stevie, how's he eating? Well, it's been a long day so far, hasn't it, Robbie? It's been a long nightmare day. It's not been as bad as I thought in many parts, apart from the whole family slaughter. But also, it has been a long day. we hadn't eaten yet. There's been no food at any point. It must be famooshed. I am. But as I said, we're stuck in Norwich now because you fucked up the flight to Barcelona.

1:06:44No such thing as stuck in Norwich. I've been stuck in paradise. Well, we're walking through our beautiful city and we see a brand new stall on the market, Robbie. Oh, shit. Big letters above the stall. It reads, Bag Mango. Oh. For anyone who can't remember, Robbie famously said he had bag mango in where, Colombia or something? Mexico. Mexico. and it was the best mango you ever did have in your whole life. It was. I remember recently, it's now changed to cup mango. Same taste? Same great taste, just different vessel. Love it. In Norwich, we've now got a bag mango stall in your nightmare day. Absolute heaven for Robbie until he takes his first bite, starts squirming in pain.

1:07:25It turns out bag mango was the problem. Robbie could no longer sit down. The problems with his arse are worse than ever. Oh, that bag. It's bag. I was just thinking the other day, after I'd been to the tour, I thought it's class that my arse works now. Those days. A year. Over a year I had arse problems. I remember being on tour, and we had to go to find the pharmacist to try and sort you out. Yeah, it was hellish. Well, there we go. And now I have a functioning arse. Remember that word there? Hellish. On nightmare day, bag mango causes arse problems. That is bad, isn't it? And they're worse than ever.

1:08:00Oh, not worse than ever. Robbie, I know you love cooking. so i thought you'd like to host your own meal so you'd have all those 22 people aforementioned uh round yours for a meal and uh on the menu you are you you give them a menu and you and on this menu is all the things that you've ever cooked right so you got the roast that you got loads on there right uh so you give the group the choice and they look at the menu and in unison they start you know what they go fa-i fa-ti fa-ti so they confirmed that they want you to cook for them they pick a roast so you do them a roast using vegetables grown solely from your own allotment couldn't think of anything worse than that hold on a fatty isn't a roast he was calling me fat no I know but then to continue the joke you should then get the meat correct no he's done that and then he's gone so then you cooked a roast to show that I'm not doing to show that it wasn't talking about the food they were calling me overweight thank you Robin Sorry, I didn't think it'd be that mean.

1:09:04His family are dead. Yeah. This isn't the worst bit. Well, he's got a cook of rose vegetables from his own garden. Are we talking now or can I wait till... No, however they are now, even if they're not ripe. Do you know what? I reckon the first early potatoes will be doable now. Really? I reckon they'll be all right. I'd rather give them another few weeks. Yeah. But the top's starting to die back a little bit. I think they'll be fine. They might be a bit small, so we can get some potatoes out of it. Yeah. I've got some spinach. Going at the minute, that could be fine. Popeye. Loads of lettuce.

1:09:34I've got four strawberries. Four strawberries? Yeah. How come any four? Because it's just the start of the season. I'm going to have so many strawberries. There's a little plant come out the ground and there's four. I've got like a thing. Yeah. A tower of strawberries and they've got little holes and the strawberries are going to, it's like about the size of a small man. Imagine if they're the best strawberries ever. Imagine. That'd be cool. Are you going to have enough allotment fruit and veg to take to our Cross Wires show to give to the audience? I've had a certain amount of tickets we've sold.

1:10:04Yeah, four strawberries.

1:10:09I can bring some along. I can bring some potatoes. Yeah, we just think you should come out and just give potatoes out to people. Yeah, I can do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Robbie's homegrown potatoes. Yeah, love it. Okay, so Robbie, would you rather... You like hosting. Would you rather cook a roast after being called fat by 22 people or would you rather eat bag mango and have arse problems again. Well, again, is Andrew Tate coming to this one? Because I really cannot underestimate how much of a cunt I think this man is. However, the 22 people isn't meant to be part of the food. They're there, baby.

1:10:42Take them or leave them. If you want the animise, you've got to take Tate.

1:10:49Right.

1:10:55Yeah, I'm going to have to have arse problems, aren't I? Wow. Because I think it's worth... Either way, you're dealing with an arse. Yeah, fair enough. Right, so there we go. Robbie's confirmed he's going to have that bag mango fresh off the Norwich market, but he will get arse can off the back of it. Okay, no. Yeah. No, the other way. No, yeah, he doesn't want arse can. He's not having that. He's saying he'd rather have arse problems. Oh, my one's worse. He'd rather arse can than Andrew Tate. Right, he's cooking a roast with unripe vegetables from his own allotment for Andrew Tate and co. Yeah, you said they're unripe.

1:11:26Well, you said they're not already. You said they're not ready yet. They're small. They're ripe. Okay. Oh, they're ripe. For the nighttime activity, Robbie, after a day of doing loads and loads and loads of drugs with 100 pissed-up England fans, I've got you a little run club booked. I know you're back into your running now. Yeah, I've done a bit. Only a little half marathon. Nothing crazy. Half mazza, fine. Yeah, might be a bit dodgy on the old ticker. I looked to see where the closest one was, Bognor Regis, right? So you're doing the Bognor Regis half marathon, and you'll have to get there. I'm not coming so got your Voxel Insignia booted up ready to go oh cool you'll have to just drive yourself though if that's alright drive myself in the Insignia yeah to Bognor Regis is that alright I don't really like driving else I've done a lot of cocaine and ketamine and I'm probably pissed yeah you are pissed and you are naked with a strap on I'd be uncomfortable after about 20 miles that's again fine yeah I don't really want to drink drive okay that's the biggest drug drive uh bad if not probably yeah never done it right okay never drunk drive never done drug so i don't know what the implications of that would be yeah don't know whether it might be better at driving i think it might make you really good at driving not why aren't you good then i've never done drugs mate um but the drink will skew it yeah yeah yeah right okay yeah you well on your nightmare day with me robbie staying in norwich actually turns out to be the best thing that could have happened because that night chapel roan is playing at the waterfront oh and as robbie and i joined the queue we're pulled to the side by chapel roan's tour manager wow and apparently chapel had heard robbie's rendition of good luck babe on happy hour and although she said it was absolutely awful yeah she felt like this is the perfect chance for robbie to show the improvement it's been a while yeah since that first rendition so chapel gives robbie the chance that she was once given and asks robbie to join her on stage to open the show beautiful beautiful brings a tear to my eye the music slowly fades in a spotlight hits Robbie on stage and he started to sing.

1:13:41It's one of the worst things Norwich has ever heard. People in the crowd start throwing tomatoes at Robbie from his own allotment and Chaperone throws up everywhere. Her band quit and the waterfront closed forever. It's fine until then. Why is Chaperone throwing up? Because it's that bad. It's that bad, Robbie. That doesn't affect me. where the she's throwing up. Yeah, but you don't want to make a woman sick. It's going all over you. Yeah. You're covered in I want to make a woman sick I just get naked. You actually are because the strap one's up your bum. But you're getting hit by your own unripened tomatoes from your allotment and covered in her sick.

1:14:21Yeah. I will say my tomatoes are in my garden rather than my allotment because they need a lot of watering. Right. Okay. Okay, sorry. Irrelevant. From your garden. Yeah. Right. Okay, for Ma and Robbie once you've done your Bognor Regis half marathon and you get back to Norwich and I guess the perfect end to a nightmare day is to finally relax, take out that... Well done, that's the end of the day. He hasn't picked which one of those he wants to do for the night-time activity. My bad, I got mixed up. Right, so do you want to go do the Bognor Regis half or do you want to make chaperones sick? I mean, I'd rather make chaperones sick than drink, drive and possibly kill people.

1:14:58You've just shut down the waterfront. So that's the worst one. So the waterfront's closed forever. Well, well... Oh no, it's not, is it? Because I've got to have the nightmare one, which means I'm having his. Yeah, he's picked yours. I would rather the waterfront was shut forever. Rather the waterfront closed forever than do a half marathon. Then I drink, drive and kill people, yeah. Yeah, he doesn't want to murder people, does he? Doesn't do a half marathon. That's all I'm hearing. Excuses. Yeah. Run the boy over it. That must be very, very... I must have done a Mazda. I must have mazda. Oh, yeah.

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1:17:12And then to finish your day, Robbie, you've done your Bognor Regis half marathon. You get back to Norwich, surprisingly fine. You have not killed, you might have killed people, but we don't talk about that. and I guess the perfect end to a nightmare day is to finally relax, take that butt plug out It wasn't a butt plug The strap on and you'll have to just scrape up the bodies in your back garden Whilst you're doing it you're still slamming back pints to help with over the Yeah, yeah, yeah And by the way, just to add insult to injury Stevie's in the corner of your garden sat on a chair watching you He's drinking a protein shake and he's not judging the fact that you are scraping up the bodies of your deceased family, but he is judging the fact that you're having a few pounds.

1:17:53So he's making snide little remarks. And he's also judging your Bognor Regis half marathon finish time. How fast was it? Two hours, 10. Poor Thorn Robbie. I'm doing it now just to give you an idea of how to go down. What's he saying about me drinking beers? He's going, look at him. Fucking hell, get a life, mate. That's why he didn't hit a sub two. Get a life. And he's got a huell. No, come on. He's got a huell. And he's saying stuff like, I had free beers a couple of weeks ago and I podcasted worse. That's what he's saying. Ruined his life. That would be quite annoying. Yeah. What? What was the other one?

1:18:30We haven't got the other one yet. I'll have the other one. I actually gave you quite a nice end to the day. I'll drive sick covered Robbie home and you can just spend the rest of the night with your family. Are they dead or what? I don't understand what's happening. No, in my world they're alive. They're alive. Otto's been feral because he's been left alone all day but other than that all good that sounds class what would you prefer then? well that's better so I'd have to have your one okay right so you're scraping up your deceased family while Stevie judges you that sounds horrible I feel like a lot of the nightmare day did revolve around your family being dead yeah that's quite a deep thing to go for right it's a make-believe world isn't it they're alive and kicking right Robbie this is your nightmare day so you get a double Robbie hour in the morning with lovely coffee linen pyjamas but you do wake up in the middle of that gruesome crime scene that is bad yeah you get no breakfast because you're busy doing the school run and while you're doing that you are naked with a strap on up your tushy on the school run alright that's how it works, the days are mixed but then you're off to the airport, you're going to Barcelona with Stevie but no you aren't because you're you get molested in the airport because you're bad at airports you get no present unfortunately but 22 people did attend your day including andrew tate and uh ian from tension

1:20:00i know it's just funny it's good it's funny yeah ian's gonna think now that we slag him off behind his back we don't i love it Fiona's put on it 22 people including Andrew Tate and a rapist

1:20:23Ian, sorry it's just funny I picked 22 people at random and I love that I'm just calling you Ian from Tension it does sound like I love Tension I speak to Ian as well He's literally catching strains for no reason. I completely appreciate this might give you a complex, Ian, but I was literally on Instagram picking random people. Then you go to cook a rice. You go to cook a roast with your unripe allotment veg. You go to Bognor Regis. You drive all the way there, but you haven't been doing any cocaine because you didn't pick that one. Because obviously you wanted the World Cup. So you go to Bognor Regis.

1:21:03You drive there fine. Then you drive back and scrape up your deceased family whilst Stevie judges you from the bottle of a huel. That's your nightmare day? Could have been worse. Could have been worse. Could have been worse. All your family are dead. All your family are dead. Couldn't have been worse. I want the absolute worst possible scenario of my life. But Jack gave you the option to keep one alive and you preferred the idea of them being dead to spend a day with Isaac instead. Yeah. But, I mean, in for a penny, in for a pound. Yeah. Right, and that's all we've got time for on the show. No, no, no, no.

1:21:36Nope, nope, nope. You said save best till last. I've gone, I'm worried now because I did just kill off your whole family. I was thinking like I will make, I'll see what the mood is like here and I will adjust accordingly. Okay. There's no adjustment necessary because my family got murdered. Are you going studs up? I'm going, I'm just, I'm playing my first team. Okay. All right. Okay, so where do I wake up? Where do I start my day, Robbie? I'll start the day because I feel like Robbie might have gone harsher than me. Okay, where do I start the day? So we'll build up to it. So to make things a little bit more convenient for Jack, because we know he likes convenience, I've actually planned your whole day to take place the day after a happy hour recording, so we can just go straight there from the studio, keep it all together.

1:22:17We like doing that, don't we? Perfect, perfect. See, nice view. So we do happy hour, and then we drive straight to the place we're going to spend the day, which is your favourite city in the UK, a place where all the residents know you quite well and have even written articles about you. Ah, yes. We're spending the day in Hull. Okay, all right. shithole but still so you're waking up in hull hull right so it's hull versus the idea of what Robbie your um your day um it's very exciting actually starts 22 hours earlier than the actual than your wake-up time um in Sydney Australia oh because you are getting to enjoy the first ever of something that's happening this year Qantas's Project Sunrise flights which are about to become the world's longest flights with 22 hour flight times to london love it however as you board there's a problem with the aircraft you're forced to fly in a spirit airlines plane believed to have the world's smallest leg room you have a middle seat and there is no entertainment screen and your headphones are broken you're sat between two obese gentlemen who have jogged to sydney airport and the aircon is broken oh no it's weird you say that because i pretty much had a replica flight really when i was coming back from barcelona i had one of the worst hangovers ever and i got on the flight and i had the middle luckily i had the front row so i did have some leg room but i had the middle row and i had two large men either side of me and fuck me did i tell you about the woman that came on the flight no she this was like i'm there right and i'm so hungover and i keep before even they've done the safety announcement i'm falling asleep but my head keeps going you know when it keeps doing that so i keep putting my head back and it felt like they were letting just everyone on it was taken forever and it was so hot on the air because the aircon went on yeah and then i just hear this woman come down like the little tunnel to the plane and she gets she's going oh my god oh my god and i'm like fuck that wakes me up and she stood so bear in mind i can see everything that's happening because she's here she's touching me right and she goes please please my family are just there my family are just there and the airlines lady's going okay hey, we'll ask, we'll try our best.

1:24:28They call through, the airline people call through, and they go, no, definitely sign off. Okay, and they go, sorry, even if they're at the gate, we can't let them on now because it's gone past the minute and we have a taxi time. So she's like, please, please, I can't leave them here. I can't leave them here. And she's going on for ages. I'm thinking, just shut the fuck, just shut up and sit down. And then the airline lady goes, their luggage has already been taken off the flight. So she goes, I can't be without them. And then they say to her, Well, would you like to rejoin them? Because you're still allowed to exit the aircraft.

1:24:59And she goes, no, no. And then he shut the door and goes. She can be without it. Yeah, she can be. She's over it. Wow. Do I want to spend the day in Hull or do I want to be on a 22-hour flight to Sydney? From Sydney to London. That's worse. It's like small in the Ryanair, right in the middle, no entertainment, nothing, raw dog in it. That's like prison. And you hate flights like that. yeah so is hull yeah hull is shit but i do just hate flights really i know oh shit um i'm gonna pick i would least like to do the flight so let's do the 22 hour flight from sydney that's how i start my day okay so the next part of your day will be breakfast yeah i love a brekkie um i knock on your hotel room door as i said we drove up the night before yeah i'm looking good i know I woke you up at midday and you're fuming because you were complaining that you didn't have a lion.

1:26:00Really weird. Really weird. But once you get over that, we'll go down to the hotel restaurant. Breakfast obviously finishes about two hours before that. But luckily for you, they do have a nice seafood platter available for lunch. So you start your day eating king prawns, mussels, crab and thinly sliced salmon. Yeah. Don't I see if you do? No, I did eat a prawn the other day though. That's good. And a muscle. How did you find it? The prawn wasn't as awful as I thought it was going to be. The issue was to eat the prawn, I had to cut the prawn's head off. Okay. I don't think I like eating anything in which I have to cut the head off.

1:26:37I don't really like the admin for that. You get messy. I'd rather they just did it. Yeah. I get that it looks like, oh, you've got this whole prawn thing. It looks impressive. I'd rather they just did that in the kitchen and gave me the bit I could eat rather than me having to do the admin. You also don't want it to look like the thing you're eating. No, that's always been my thing, Stevie. Like, I know I'm a hypocrite because I eat chickens and I eat cows. Yeah, but it don't look like chicken. Yeah, like, I wouldn't eat a burger if it looked like a cow. Would you eat, like, when you were a kid, did you eat that teddy bear ham?

1:27:07Good point. Yeah, never loved it, though. No. It's just disgusting. Yeah, it's right. What about pond bears? Yeah. You can love them melting your mouth. but I the prawn I thought was they're quite meaty aren't they I thought they'd be small this was like a big bit of meat it was like a fishy nugget and also it was cooked in garlic butter so it tasted like garlic butter so it went too bad these have no flavouring just pure seafood the mussel was disgusting as well yeah I'm not surprised it was like really I don't think mussels are they're alright I'm not wired about them yeah oysters next on my list I love oysters yeah so what breakfast have you brought for Jack on his nightmare day you're eating a banana out of Stevie's when he didn't pick up his phone to check I'm thinking here we go here we go he's an ass banana right same rules there's no pill protecting you it's in pill-less I'm going to be honest here right I don't know you'll know what I mean by this I think Robbie's probably less so but you know when you eat something you really don't like and it makes you you lose the colour from your face like it flushes you out a bit you're talking about arsehole also seafood it's really hard to tell which one he's talking about i can't tell which one he's going for i'm genuinely talking about the seafood okay i think i would be eating it and i would be feeling sick and shaken and panicking okay whereas if you're eating a banana his eyes should be coming yeah yeah whereas if i'm eating the banana i think 80 percent of the banana's fine 80 percent of the banana is fine that's not the bad bit but you think i couldn't get 80 up there 20 % of the banana's right Is he allowed to pick how much he puts in Yeah Right So I would actually prefer the banana because I think it's only the last few bites that are going to be horrible and hairy Yes that's exactly it The worst bit is the bit that's in that you've got to either suck or tongue out I'd suck it out I wouldn't get my tongue in there What if you couldn't you'd have to get your tongue in That's similar to oysters though Depends how hard you put It's not similar to oysters Is that I've never had one You'd suck up a man's arse That's a Robbie Knox.

1:29:09This is your neighbour, give you oysters once. Aphrodisiac. Do a Robbie Knox video and get Kieran Carlin to try a banana at a Stevie's heart. The first time. My nightmare would be the seafood platter. That's mental. That is mental. Robbie, what clothes are you putting Jack in for the day? What gums am I dripped in, broski? you are wearing the t-shirt that stevie bought

1:29:41okay horrific yeah you like poo bearing though yeah yeah i don't but that was a thing for a while okay so uh in your nightmare day jack i take you back to your room to get ready for the day i'm already in my room aren't i because we're at no we've just been down for the seafood platter oh yeah so i take you back to your hotel room uh so you can actually get ready for the day and this is when you realise that happy hour the day before you accidentally took Robbie's bag instead of your own when we left the studio. So Jack, you have to spend the whole day in Robbie's clothes. You open his bag to see the clothes that he packed were the exact same ones that he's wearing in that picture where everyone said that he dresses better than you.

1:30:20Oh, that football shirt and cords. Franz Ferdinand and... So you have to wear that exact outfit that everyone thinks you look better in. That Robbie looks better than you in. I would rather... But then the other option, the t-shirt, I could get away with a t-shirt, but... But you can't, mate. I tried it. You couldn't get away with that t-shirt. No. But then I got my arse out all day going around Hull. Not dimples. Yeah, I'm quite proud of my dimples. And you're not in Hull. You're on a 22-hour flight. Yeah, fuck it. I'm sorry. No, no, no. The flight is to get there. You get up in the morning, your day's on.

1:30:55Oh, so you've landed in Hull. I'd least prefer to wear Robbie's clothes Okay No offence Specifically those ones Everyone on the internet is saying That Robbie looks better than you Well if they're saying that Then that's the best Yeah then I'll say that And be smart And be walking around like Robbie Okay Daytime activity Yeah I'm looking forward to this So I run into a bit of an issue at this point Because Always running isn't you Well my problem is that I realise I also didn't enjoy my time in Hull. Yeah. So I thought, what can we do that doesn't involve like kind of being outside in Hull? And luckily I managed to book you in for a full body health check.

1:31:39So I thought you'd really like one of them. So for the next four hours, you'll undergo tests, scans, probes. But weirdly, there's a strange amount of fondling in the balls department. And I was genuine, I genuinely start to worry a little bit because it looks like they might have found something quite bad down there. But luckily, it only took so long because they were struggling to locate your Dean, Willie. How are you feeling right now, Jack? Horrible. I wish my family were dead.

1:32:12I don't like the idea of a full body scan. Yeah. Because they get to see everything. They'll see my high up arse crack. And the stuff, they'll see what's in my arse. KFC. Well, do they see what's in your arse? on a scan. I don't want them seeing that. What? What's in your ass? What's in your ass? Pooh. What's going on? They're not going to scan yours and go, it's full of shit. Every person. This guy poos. Like you're the first one I've ever had. That's mental. Does poo stay in your ass? You don't mind properly. It comes out eventually. Have you ever been to the toilet? If used to be, I wonder what they were wearing there.

1:32:58So, yeah, Jack, I'm taking you to a four-hour full-body scan. Well, I don't want cancer, Stevie. No, no. I said they were fondling a lot, but it was just because they couldn't find a Dean Willie. So I actually get a full MOT and they say you're fine. I haven't said that. Right. I'm just saying I was worried for a while, but I realised it was just because they were trying to find the Willie. Right, well, I don't mind them seeing a Dean Willie. That's fine. I'm embracing it these days. Robbie, what am I doing for daily act? Okay, this is bad. You're working. You've got three guest episodes of Happy Hour to do.

1:33:30Yeah. But you've let Stevie book the guests. As you get to the studio, you realise it is your worst nightmare. The guests are all women. None of them are sex workers, and they're not into darts, football, or poker, and you've got to speak to each one for two hours. Oh, fuck that. Give me that.

1:33:59yeah i love the full body i don't fucking i don't care about your day we've never asked to guess how's your day going so you've got with them how's your day all right hall of fame all three of them put tampons in

1:34:19that is gonna go down so well on the internet fuck it oh so your nightmare you're picking you'd rather have a full body scan than um inclusive inclusivity yeah okay cool uh we've brought jack a gift robin yeah what did what did you go for i've brought him a nice little experience gift you know you get like experience i've brought him a life drawing class for him and his friends but with a twist jack will be the nude model that they're drawing he'll be sat in the middle of a room whilst all of your friend family and friends draw you fee's having a hen to do there with all her friends your sister's there danny d's there and i've also set the air con to a barbie three degrees celsius i won't make no difference player let me tell you right okay so the problem with that um is cock out in front of the sister in front of sister the sister yeah everyone else fine but the sister is okay okay um so in You don't really want to know how big the golf is though either, do you?

1:35:17Yeah, but you can assume always. I think he used to be in the kingpin. Yeah. I'm not suggesting he's in his competition, but. Yeah. I reckon he could fold his ten times and it would match mine. Can you fold a penis ten times? No, you can't even fold paper ten times. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. There we go. So in the Nightmare Day for you, Jack, you do actually get the all clear at the scan. and I thought, how can I make your nightmare day even better with a gift? I get you brand new teeth. The only problem is that I don't have any experience with dentists who do fake teeth. So I didn't really know who to book it with.

1:35:57And I was trying to think, do I know anyone who has fake teeth? Luckily, I messaged Bevo and got it all sorted. You can be Bevo's teeth. That's an upgrade at this point, isn't it? Fuck me. Right, okay. Bevo's teeth versus... Whatever you said. Nude class, nude model. Oh, life drawing. Okay. To be honest, all jokes aside, my teeth are bad. They're not quite Bevo bad. So, but then getting a knob out in front of my sister's bad. I like how that's the decision you have to make. God, I didn't realise the sister would be such a vital part in this. She's getting mentioned a lot on here lately. Yeah. Yeah, but for all the wrong reasons.

1:36:38She didn't sign up to this. At least she don't ever slip now. I think I'm going to have to have Bevo's teeth. I prefer that less. You prefer to not have Bevo over Willy out in front of your sister? That's my nightmare. Okay. Having Bevo's teeth. Wow, sister see Willy. Yeah. Because I know how much that turns her on. Cut that. No, keep that in. That is staying in. That is staying in. Yeah, that's staying in. Not a chance. Go on, Fee. Be a hero, Fee. Yeah. You stick to your word, mate. Yeah. I was doing a joke for you in the room. Thank you. And now it's for everyone listening. Right. Perfect. So three people I've invited to your perfect day, your nightmare day.

1:37:21Fuck. I did perfect day. I did what you did. I invited three people on that I thought you'd love to spend the day with. Sydney Sweeney. Yes. Wayne Mardle. Yes. And your mum. Sydney Sweeney and Wayne Mardle didn't reply. So your mum's going to be there. And I still had space for two more. So I put a tweet out, see if anyone wanted to join. and a couple of football Twitter Arsenal fans came along. Cunts. So it's your mum and two Arsenal fans. Right. Oh, fuck me. Specifically football Twitter Arsenal fans. Oh, dear. Straight after they've won the league. Yeah. Lost the Champions League. Yeah, yeah.

1:37:58Okay. Fuck me, I couldn't think of anything worse. Yeah. What you got for me, Robbie? Who's coming along? Just me, Stevie and Alfie. I really, really cannot stress how much I want us to hang out. Oh, no. that means the worst outcome is my mum and two Arsenal fans yeah lock them in there we go lock them in I don't know if you gave me the option to go with two football Twitter Arsenal fans or my mum it'd be a coin flip it'd be a fucking coin flip well you've got all three in this one well at least every Christmas I don't have to spend with two Arsenal fans there we go there we go okay so what's for dinner Robbie?

1:38:32din din's a bowl of French onion soup with a straw from Stevie's arse fucking hell that's getting a bit much now because it's got cheese in it that's why I picked the soup you don't like cheese but I'm kind of getting used to the arse by now you know what I mean I've got a taste for it have you? yeah the straw's going to get into areas you've not got to before though yeah that's fucking grim that is grim okay so this might be closer than you think after that weird that you mentioned it earlier so we want something quick and easy to avoid any awkward were dinner conversations between the group yeah that we're now with yeah um and luckily for us hull has its own mouse hold mcdonald's brunch oh for fuck's sake so we ordered food and after an hour and a half of silence between us yeah um except every now and then you just hear north london forever yeah very annoying um um the the food finally arrives uh but it was shit and cold right okay so where have we both gone down the mcdonald's we really hate mcdonald's mcdonald's enjoy yeah mcdonald's shit shout out boundary road shout out airport all road good all road yeah bangers absolute bangers you're all legends at work in there mcdonald you cunts right um so if you work there now you just love the pod they are crap uh right then i'm gonna go I would prefer, is it the onion soup from Stevie's arse or is it McDonald's?

1:40:07I quite like a McDonald's. I quite like a McDonald's. Mousehole. Yeah. Should not come in, is it? Yeah. I think the worst thing would be the soup. That would be over and done with quicker though. Would it? I don't know. Hour and a half. How would I know when I've got all the soup? You'll know. You get that bit at the end of the straw where it goes, you get a drink, you get the bottom of a glass. you gotta hear that from stevie's ass such a pile you know what i've seen a couple of comments on reddit recently saying that robbie thinks the immature jokes that he's above them oh no i don't know what the fuck they've got i was gonna say i'd like to point them towards yeah all four of his foods have included one of our arseholes yeah but i like that humor no that's what i'm saying so does he so the comments are wrong yeah yeah we know that though okay robbie nighttime activity Okay, this is bad.

1:41:04Oh, fuck's sake. Right. I wanted to give you something nice for this. So I thought I would let you do a stand-up show. You've always wanted to a bit. So I've organised you a very special stand-up show. All your heroes are there. All your comedy heroes. Ricky Gervais, John Kearns, Bo Burnham's come over for it. The YouTube community are all there. All the people who growing up you felt wouldn't accept you. Yeah. You slagged off out of anger. They're there. Your chance to fully impress them. Your mum's even there. She's sober and says she thinks that you performing well at this stand-up could give her the strength to stop drinking and be the mum you've always wanted.

1:41:43The show is being broadcast live across the world. Literally everyone who matters to you will be watching. Your comedy friends, Matt Bragg, Daniel Sloss, Matt Richardson, they've all seen your material. They rate it. They say it's good stuff. All you need is to go out and deliver it with confidence. As Ricky Gervais announces you to the crowd, telling them how great you are. This is the best day ever. Your phone buzzes. You pull it from your pocket. As you hear Ricky shout, Ladies and gentlemen, Jack, mate, you read the message telling you your granddad has died. Fucking hell. As you walk onto the stage, but before you reach the mic, you see the following message saying simply, Hereditary testicular cancer.

1:42:31fuck you family's dead are they mate

1:42:37yeah that might be the worst thing i've ever heard i don't need to read mine do i you can give it yeah pointless in hull jack's annoyed to find out that maxine's world of dreams was closed down i would like to dis myself my remark i may have misjudged the mood of this podcast and i'm sorry we go we go on a night out in hull but after the mac bean scandal the city and the clubs is full of police which meant jack couldn't actually do any drugs at night so he had to have a night out but only alcohol never done drugs um jack john are just an alcohol night out or do you want give me the dead granddad yeah give me the dead granddad how do you think the comedy would go not great i mean that's why i said it shall i go first i could do one of them new artsy edinburgh show i just pull on the pain yeah it's quite a lot to pull together in three seconds i could be the new baby reindeer yeah yeah i'll go last because yours is following that so i'll quickly go first just to get this out of the way because mine's just that night out where do you guys end up um i've said that the next few hours uh we spend drinking and a dingy club in hull and as you start slurring your words your mum felt more connected to you um quite nice You spend the rest of the night bonding over your choices of drinks and repair your relationship.

1:43:58That's quite nice. Mine's simple. The whiffler from Maggot Lasagna. It was a quiche. Was it? No, it was a Wellington. Maggot Wellington. To be honest, I don't think I'd want to rekindle the relationship with my mum on the day that I lose my granddad. Perfect time, really. Because that is a shit swap. Yeah. Someone I love. It's like when you're watching a football game and your favourite player gets taken off. You can bring on some cunt who you know is not going to score. It's like when Dimitri Payet left West Ham and we got Robert Snodgrass. No offence, Rob. He's no Payet, is he? Yeah. Well, we all like when we got rid of Paquetta and we've got this random bloke called Pablo.

1:44:41Right. Let's go for... I'm still thinking about the dead grandad. Let's go for... Was that worse than the hereditary particular thing? Both up there. Yeah, that's right. Both up there. bad but also uh my granddad is actually not my blood granddad so fine not fine because he's bad yeah yeah yeah it's not gonna be in your head a little bit yeah yeah i probably would text his kids after the show let me watch it you can just tell them the worst one is uh the rekindle with the mum okay there we go so jack street nightmare day yeah do you know the hardest part of all of that for me was because you said about writing it in past tense i kept trying to say it in present tense but reading bits so everything i was reading i was doing past and present yeah which i found confusing you got away with it mate you got away with it so this is my nightmare day i start it the day before and i take a 22 hour flight from sydney to london breathing in the bo of two fat men squishing me in the middle seat for breakfast The next day, I have a seafood platter and I have to rip the heads off prawns.

1:45:51I wear Robbie's clothes all day, the football tee and the trousers, with possibly a stain on the bum. I get a full body scan from the bag, mango. I get a full body scan. Possibly got ball can.

1:46:07Full body scan was clear, but unfortunately, it did reveal that I had Bevo's teeth. I spend the day with two Arsenal fans and my mum. two who are gooners and one who does drugs off a spooner. Then I'm about to go on stage. It's the gig of my life. Ricky Gervais introduces me on stage. Matt Bragg, Matt Richardson, all my comedy friends are there. But unfortunately, just before I go on stage, my granddad's died of stage four ball cam. Turns out, even though he isn't my blood relative, I can still catch it off. Him probably got it. then to finish the night I go to a nightclub in the middle of Hull and I rekindle the relationship with my mother so it's not all that is a bad day that's a stinky day probably the worst that's the worst one of the days that's the worst one and he's getting diddled and you lost all your family yeah there we go this is episode 666 the nightmare days of Robbie Knox Stevie White and me Jack mate we'll see you Monday for a much cheerier episode I imagine can we just do dreams next time Yeah, I feel sad.

1:47:14Yeah, we're all very sad. Yeah. Good afternoon. Do you need a hand picking up the bodies?

1:47:24Jack makes happy hour.

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