671 - Designing Our DREAM Summer Camps!

29:15There we go then Jack's just going to try And improve his life Rather than have a midlife crisis Yeah I feel like you're living Through the crisis now At some point No Why? Why? Look at you today Well to be honest Yeah I know To be honest I probably drink too much And I Get obsessed with stuff Like darts and poker and Pokemon cards and football cards and darts cards. That's all a bit midlife crisis, would you say? Collectible cards. I think the midlife crisis where you suddenly get to a point and go, oh my God, I'm not young anymore, I'm going to do something crazy. I might get a mohawk at some point.

29:47Yeah, that would be midlife crisis. Yeah, I think I'll do that. Okay, I want to see it. Yeah. Yeah, so you just do something rogue, I think, that's really something rogue new thing that you do to try and recapture your youth. I want to get into acting. You've tried that. oh you're in the the waiter thing you were in oh yeah and your delivery bike rider that wasn't actually on camera yeah i never got a break off the back of that surprise yeah yeah sorry right back to midlife uh so yeah that was uh that were the classes we could do uh food what food do we do at midlife uh camp crisis when it first opened we originally had microwave meals at first we had at an all-day barbecue every day.

30:29You know middle-aged men love running a barbecue, but that caused a lot of problems because that's a lot of men who are all there who think they're the ones who should be in charge of the barbecue. Oh, they all alphas. They just kept alphas and they were fighting. Barbecue closed down. You've got to respect whoever's running the barbecue. You can't be going in and trying to fiddle with stuff. But all these men think they could. That's the issue. That's the issue. So now... I went to a barbecue recently, Fiona's sister's boyfriends, boyfriends, and Fianna was like, oh, help him with the meat. And I was like, no.

30:59You can't just go over. You can't. You can't. It's sacrilege. There'll be... Yeah, you can't. You can't get involved. That's what I'm saying. So that caused a lot of issues. But since this camp is all about reinventing yourself, a healthy diet is the first step. So each day now starts with overnight oats, 14 supplements and multivitamin tablets. And then this is followed by a long discussion about intermittent fasting. Fucking hell. Do you take any tablets or vitamins or things like that? Loads. Do you? Loads. I took one on Saturday.

31:32Multivitamin, yeah. Because my head was pumping. Was that when you were wearing the Crocs? That's a story for off the top. What do you take, Stevie? Multivitamin. Yep. Omega-3. Every day? Yeah. And you have to take stuff for that, Mark. Yeah. Minoxidil. Is that to stop the... Stopped from losing my hair. Yeah, hair. Yeah, my hair. Yeah, Omega-3. I don't know what... I've recently started taking... You're boring me. One more, one more. I want to hear this last one. Magnesium. Okay. Ashwagandha. Oh! What's that? I don't know. Is that some, like, drug where you find yourself? Yeah. No, it says it's meant to, like, help calm your brain and sleep better and stuff, but...

32:21Ashwagandha. Ashwagandha. Okay. But I'll just try a load of things. Say what happens. Oh, and collagen, because it's good for your skin. It's good for your skin, collagen, yeah. You take all these every day? Only as of like the last couple of weeks. I just thought I'd buy them until it happens. Are you going through a midlife crisis? Yeah. Are you actually? Well, I just... Jack just says I look sweaty all the time, so I'm seeing if I can fix that. What? Is that what you're trying to do? It's not working. What? You're trying to stop your sweat? No, no. I'm just trying to... Look, I'm getting old.

32:49Duh. Yeah, but loads of greys and stuff. Let's see if I can slow it down a little bit. What, slow the greys down? No, slow aging. Oh, were you trying to do what Russell Kane was preaching? No. I knew he got into your head that day. You liked him, didn't you? Are you doing what Beauty and Robbie Knox is preaching with many different things? I went for something the other day. Salmon spunk. Nah, Salmon spunk is old news, mate. Right. I went for a thing called M-Face. Is that the electronic? Did it hurt? No, it didn't hurt, but you get these pads on your face, and it just fires like... You lose sort of control of your face, like you did on Saturday.

33:27But it fires like, sort of like... It's not like lasers, it's like sort of radio frequencies or something, and your face sort of tenses up. So you weren't doing the movements in that? Nah, I mean, nah. I thought you were going... No, no control over it, no. Why do you think you'd randomly do that? Just to, like, exercise his face? so they do this whole thing and it's again it's about ecology and apparently I think these things do work is what I've learnt from doing all these things it makes sense because people spend loads of money on them you do look about 13 now thank you I'm almost attracted to you that makes you a noms mate that's a joke that's fucking done all the time oh my god oh my god Stevie that implies that Stevie might be a paedophile oh we've lost him today so yeah But then I was in this place, Dr.

34:16Lear's. It's this nice sort of Baker Street thing. And there was this chair in the corner with a really flat base. I said, what's that chair then? I went, that's like the M-Face version, but the chair. I went, what? You sit on it. I said, do I take my train of thought? They go, no, you're fully clothed. I was like, too late. No, so they said, you sit. She said, do you want to go? I went, yeah. So I said, what's it for? And they said, a lot of the time, women have had kids if they're suffering from incontinence. so they can help with um it can help with uh badge up yeah we'll tie your badge up yes so they said it can help with um so no no so it said it can help with um if you've got problems with erections i went uh by the problems with that so don't you worry so it can help with okay go on

35:04Jack's going to buy one just to sit on during episodes so you sit on it and you have to sort of position it because it's like firing where's it going you've got to get it on your perineum no yeah you've got to get under there you've got to get in your positions it's getting there and you just sit on it for 25 minutes and it goes it's going is it weird knowing is someone looking at you whilst you're doing it so do you know like the kegels that women that people can do to tighten their pelvic floor yeah One session of this is like doing 10 ,000 of those. Really? Did you enjoy it? Didn't mind it, yeah.

35:37Did it give you an erection then? No, it didn't. I felt like my cooch had to work out. You've got a bench cooch now. But I think you're supposed to do like a few sessions and then you come back for top-ups and that. But apparently, she said as well, it can give you stronger erections as well, apparently. If that's something you're intrigued. How's your erections been since? Fine, mate. She's fine. Thrunger? I'd not be measuring. What you should do is you should hang a weight to her. Interesting. And then go and have a Kegel thing and then see how... I don't know if I've... I've suggested it to Dr.

36:09Lee. Is she looking at you when you're getting bolted shut up? Yeah. Your ass. The people who... Yeah. They're not... Yeah. We're chatting. That's weird. That is weird. It's not a sex thing. It's just a... It sounds like a sex thing. It's on your perineum. Yeah. You're just looking at them having a chat and you're going... I'm a little bit how often do you do that every time like jump up a little bit boom boom boom yeah you have a conversation but then it change every now and then it goes just does that little change what are different settings if it's not a sex thing things can have settings that aren't sex my dishwasher's got different settings it's not a sex thing yeah just call her by her name babe good really good really good that's made up for that other thing you said earlier it was awful You should see me rowing barrels.

36:58Yeah. Let's cancel that one out. Now you're an even part. It's like you've started the pod. Okay. Minus horror points. Yeah. So yeah. Cut my mind while we're talking about it. But yeah, that's M-Face. I'm going to continue having more weird things. Are you going to go back for more perineum vibrations? Look, if I'm going back for something else, I might have a little sit on the seat. Yeah. If it's free. How much does it cost? I don't actually know. Shall I find out? Nah. Jack wants to get the chair for here, I don't want it I don't want it go to Dr. Lee website and find out why don't you just get us all those chairs for the studio guests come in just on that one there apparently there's one that you can get for your brain same people that does the thing so instead of going up your arse or on your face it goes on your head like a sort of halo thing right and apparently like it like stimulates your brain and people say like some guy said he did it and he stopped smoking afterwards really I don't know apparently I don't know I think these are all just fads though, aren't they?

37:58Are they really? The thing is, I think these things do work. Because if you look at a lot of celebrity people, they do look quite different to... He's in that fellow who's trying to live forever. Yeah, that American guy. He reckons he's got the body age of a 10-year-old or something, doesn't he? No, he's got like a 20-year-old girlfriend. I've got the penis of a 10-year-old. In a jar. Yeah. Because didn't he say that he's got His missus has got the top 1 % vagina Did he do that? No I saw that on Twitter So he said that he was given a oral sex And she has a top 1 % vagina Meaning her pH balance How's he figuring that out during oral sex?

38:46Right, sorry I know we're doing this camp shit But you want to know that the top 1 % vagina I'm quite a judge of what the criteria are what was his name now can he just go can he just look at a vagina and go top 20 no all right here we go brian johnson his name is yeah so he tweeted uh last month saying just gave k oral sex good good night everyone and then he said this is her vaginal microbiome report a hundred out of a hundred score top one percent of all vaginas her sample is dominated by the single most protective bacterial species a vagina can host lactobaculus crispatus only about 25 to 30 percent of reproductive age women globally are l-cropatus dominant and dominant usually means about 50 percent caters at 98.7 percent now that is a midlife crisis that's not just starting to cook a bit yeah when you try to make yourself immortal and try to measure the ph of your wife's vagina that is a proper midlife crisis that's mad yeah so and she said he goes around and just checks out women's chances to say like champions league position that is weird that he felt like tweeting that was a good thing to do yeah but then she's popped up and gone hello everyone kate here and then she's she's basically saying that um that her vagina gives very low rates of the big C.

40:15Because you know apparently if you eat too much vagina you can get the big C. That's why I've been worried for years. Yeah. I think three should be fine.

40:31Hers has got a low C risk. I'll ask for her then. good for him who said someone famous said that they thought they'd got canned from eating minge didn't they don't say the phrase eating minge who was it do you remember was it Charlie Sheen sounds like Charlie Sheen it was someone which celebrity someone said that they that they got throat cancer or something from eating vagina is this podcast vagina it's weird because you didn't actually eat it there you don't that's weird Michael Douglas yeah yeah oh that's quite a good way to put a spin on it and in it like because you've gone to doctors you got throat can yeah that's awkward isn't it look yeah but going oh shit you've been smoking too much you know i've just been eating too much i don't think i don't know i don't reckon women find it that hot that you've got throat can no that but if You've got to throw camp from giving too much oral sex to women.

41:37Fair enough. Better. Yeah. Right, back to camp crisis, which seems a million years ago. Yeah, so we did the food. The next question I've got on here is, what's the evening entertainment? Yeah. Do you want me to ask you the question so you don't have to do it yourself? It just feels like that's where it was going. What's the evening entertainment? Well, we have a talent show in the evening where campers have the opportunity to show each other the new skill that they've learnt. so most of the contestants are feeling pretty confident after the music class but they can all only play Wonderwall so it's kind of just judging who's the least shit at that you do also get the odd middle aged man trying his hand at stand up comedy the jokes are mainly complaints about getting older jokes about marriage and airport observations good a lot of that going on and the talent show is actually judged by Jake Humphries and Stephen Bartlett and the winner receives a framed motivational quote what does it say um he's not written that it's never too late

42:38cool i'm motivated bro it's never too late i'm inspired for the next question like a little hot take like yeah i don't hate jake humphries as much as the internet does i think i don't like nice but sometimes i watch his inspirational chats and i just i don't know if i'm too thick but i just don't get them yes do you know what i mean it'll be like yeah that's what we're saying but it'll be like on a treadmill it'll be like remember not every acorn becomes a tree i think what the fuck does that mean that's quite self-explanatory that one you can't see sunsets when you're dead you can't that's just sounds like he's just saying go see some sunsets whilst you're alive yeah right but obviously you can't see sunsets when you're dead yeah you can apply that to anything it's like you can't do an overhead kick if you've got no legs you can't yeah so yeah that's my hot take fair enough yeah that's good good take next question do you molest the campers yes yes i don't we should tell this is what happened when i wrote these questions i just sent these over and then you guys were hung over jack was hung over and um i wrote just halfway through the question i just wrote do you molest the campers and jack just acknowledged it like it was a totally fine question i was gonna read it all over and it didn't flag it to me in my brain yeah so that was just one for for the for the group has made it out yeah that's good like that good now what's the actual next question do you have any day trips out uh yeah there's an all expenses paid full weekend planned the crisis campers are given the opportunity to fly to turkey where different treatments are available if you need more hair this is your chance i like this because it's about you if you need smaller teeth after a mistake from a younger life crisis we've got you covered yep still like it what's the one about me then and you can also get salmon spunk injected into your face or get a penis if I knew about the perineum and stuff before that would have been in there did it hurt?

44:52what the penis reduction the shocks up the buttock no it was alright kind of hot not awful if you had to on an enjoyment scale 10 is Jack looking at Charizard 1 is nothing where are we going? no enjoyment at all yeah what do you mean always one like but I'm talking like sexual enjoyment oh not high 9 do you think women would like it? I don't think it's there I don't think people are going there because they find it sexy they're doing it to get better downstairs bits right better better minge

45:35that's good okay what's the next question that's actually a quote for the website

45:42right robbie next question uh great question jack um next question have we done are we done day trips out i think we're on the last question yeah what's your marketing campaign or camp slogan um the slogan is the best years of your life could still be ahead of you oh that's nice it's nice would you would you take this offer if a genie said this to you you you you can the uh does the genie do all the eyes you can your five best days of your life are still ahead of you yeah but that means the three worst days of your life still are or all the worst days of your life are behind you but all the best days of your life are behind you i think i'd take it because i expect some of the worst days of your life to still come regardless yeah they're still gonna be loads of people around towards the end the bad days are back loaded i reckon yeah i reckon there's a lot bad they're happening anyway so i'd want i'd want the extra five good days would you yeah no but yeah but if if you go if if you choose the one where all the bad days are over you die before anything bad happens yeah but that means you could die next week maybe that's the way of it tricks you you know these genies have an issue.

46:56You never have another bad day because you die next week. Yeah, true. Wouldn't trust it. I've got a joke about a genie. I'll tell you at some point. Some point is that? If you want. How do we know when it's... Are you just going to tell us randomly? It feels weird not to just do it after you've told us about it. Imagine you've not just done it now. That's okay. So that was my slogan. The slogan's the best years of your life could still be ahead of you and the marketing campaign is Are you 35 to 55? Have you recently said any of the following? I've always wanted to learn guitar. I'd love to make my own beer.

47:31I might start a podcast. Paddle looks like a fun sport. Good, get him in. Get the paddle pants. I should really run a marathon. Then Camp Crisis is for you. Don't just take my word for it. Listen to this previous camper. Before Camp Midlife Crisis, I was an accountant. Now I'm an accountant who owns a drone and wears a leather jacket. Good, good. You really put some effort for that. Camp crisis, you're all invited. Thank you. I would go. I would. It would be fun. The thing is, when you have a midlife crisis, I don't think you're aware you're having a midlife crisis. I had a teenage crisis when I got my tongue pierced to impress that girl.

48:09And I didn't know what I was doing was highly cringy. Yeah, so think of it this way. All these guys don't know what they're seeing. We're thinking, oh, it's a place for people to have a midlife crisis. All the men going here are thinking, what? Just me and all the blokes? Yeah. Getting on motorbikes and doing talent and barbecues. Or they got cancelled annoyingly. Yeah. A bit aggressive. How much would you pay for a week at camp? Crisis there, Robbie. I have no idea how to quantify that. 500 quid. Yeah, I was going to say 500 quid. That's how much it is. That's perfect. Is it actually 500 quid?

48:43Yeah. Cool, I like it. Right, Robbie. Okay. Camp violence. Right, camp violence, which as you may recall from a few minutes ago, is in the middle of a barefield forest in the Canadian wilderness. So basically, I saw a video online of like some alpha camp where men go off to learn how to be alpha and they just get screamed at by like drill sergeants and that. That sounds like a midlife crisis camp. The men who are actually going to that. So it's more targeting to sort of like the incel market, really, I think. It's sort of manosphere adjacent. Okay. Basically, so we're getting these guys who've like, maybe they've been mistreated by a woman or something, or for some reason have been upset by a woman, or maybe they're just stalking a woman and the woman didn't like being stalked.

49:27A lot of insecurities, a lot of issues here, and they go, I want to become more manly. Right. So they come to camp violence. Who's most likely out of Stevie and I to attend? Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweetgreen's fall harvest menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels and crave worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate and roasted bacon Brussels side.

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50:56Disappointing. I don't see any of you's potential coming. So who's... Who's in my...

51:07I don't know. Maybe you. I don't know I don't think either of you really are the kind of people we're going for right cut that Alfie cut that Alfie's in yeah

51:22right now you know you know the type you know the type it sort of thing a little bit a little bit a little bit lost and they're turning maybe the wrong way or we are the wrong way right I mean they're not trying to better themselves well they are but in the wrong way you know you're the wrong way and you're still putting this on yeah but I want to make the money out of this this is a business What are the activities you can do there then? Right. Okay, so quite a strict schedule. You get woken up at 3am by being pissed on. So you might be thinking, oh right, there's loads of people at the camp.

51:51How can one man piss over everyone to wake them up? What will happen is the camp counsellor or drill sergeant will come in and piss on the first person to wake them up and they'll get up and piss on the person next to them. They'll just have a piss chain. Yeah. So they get woken up by the 3am piss chain and then it's straight outside for early morning fight training toughen you up a bit no shower no shower no piss so this is where you have to fight your fellow campers on a narrow bridge naked above stinging nettles so if you get knocked off you're naked in the stinging nettles this is so weird this is like my life like yeah because i once down you know prince wells road yeah second mention today shout out prince was well um and you know there's the alleyway where we used to drink when we were younger yeah i did a fight club down there once with me and two mates okay so you are the person most likely to come to this yeah were you about that no it was jason do you remember jason yeah and we were punching each other in the face as hard as we could we went into uh club after he's just an evening out i was pre-drinks he had a grace all then i had a fat lip and we went clubbing we were like proper smacking bits into each other and i fell down a um and i fell down a hill and landed losing nettles once.

53:07Were there punishments for losing? No, we just wanted to. Because there are here, camp violence. Have you ever been pissed on? I think we gave a tenner to the one who quit last. Okay. So basically, each day, you get drawn against a random other camper. You have to fight them on the bridge. And each day, whoever loses, as well as following the stinging nettles, there's a different punishment. Right. Yeah. So Monday, everyone on camp spits in your face. Tuesday you have to eat a dog shit Wednesday you stick an AA battery up your ass Thursday you have to call your mum and tell her she's got nice tits Friday you eat a raw chicken breast Saturday you drink an entire bottle of vodka Sunday you have to cut off your dick what?

53:59cut off your dick Saturday You want to try extra hard on Sunday, really. What day would you want the punishment for most? I don't think putting an AA battery up your arse is that hard. Double A's in that bit, are they? Quick upstart is how you get it out. And if you've lost two Wednesdays in a row, you've got two up there, and you've got to shit round them. Shit round them? What are you on about? They're up their arse. You've got to still shit. Right, I'd just go Dr. Lear's. Electrocute it out. yeah good magnet good i'm not sure this is the publicity don't really have wanted when they invited me down for these treatments they're getting it they're getting it okay then on to lunchtime and lunchtime it's training to suppress your emotions sorry still thinking about the punishments yep can i call stevie's mom and tell her she's got nice tits um you're always allowed to state you're always allowed to state facts um right lunchtime it's training to suppress your emotions the staff will talk about things that upset you and you have to bottle up the pain push it deep down inside you to use later in fights ah like a power-up yeah a little bit like that but one that causes a lot of tension and unpleasantness i like it that's most of this camp is just pushing all the pain down till one day it comes out in all my rage you shoot up a skull or something yeah yeah yeah or just murder someone loads of people really yeah so this is what this is all about really this camp um afternoon you got run into the woods and kick a bear in the nuts and come back to camp if you manage it.

55:33And then there's more fight training in the afternoon. There's different punishments in the afternoon. Like Monday, you put hot sauce in your eyes. Tuesday, you've got to make yourself sick, then eat it. Wednesday, you've got to get one of your pets to have them put down. Thursday, you get blinded. How? Whatever. Friday, you have a pint of ice cold lager. It's Friday. Thursday it's that you know red ass game with darts and on Sunday you've got to bum your dad so that's the activities what the fuck is happening I don't know am I still fucked or what when I was writing midlife crisis I was trying to make it like realistic this is realistic I'm going to bum your dad don't lose on Sunday mate why would I not just purposefully lose on Friday what for the pint yeah yeah you're fine if you're the only one who thinks that that's fine but but alphas don't often want to lose do they you also do for it's art stinging nettles oh sorry so whether the pint's worth that yeah what what foods there robbie steak no vegetables every meal just steak i'd like that yeah 35 percent of people at camp will get colon cancer by the end of the summer from it what do you just eat steak it's not good for you you can't just eat pure steak you have some vegetables really?

56:57yeah can you have them well done? what? yeah you don't only eat steak no I don't have many veggies you gotta have vegetables yeah they're quite clear on that in every bit of dietary advice do they let you know about like are you allowed to choose how your steak's cooked? sometimes it's not even cooked sometimes it's burnt that's probably contributes to the I raw dog the chicken the other day what? that does sound like you did but you didn't have it raw that's what people would think that sounds like you both raw dog the chicken we hung out together and you two raw dog chicken. We both raw dog to chicken.

57:26You had chicken with no sides or anything. So what are the sides you want now? Just chicken. Yeah, we just got a half chicken. That was weird actually, wasn't it? That was weird. It was a bit different because it was covered in maple sauce and had bacon on it. It was good. It was good. I don't like chicken on the bone that much. So that, yeah, so it was steak, just all steak. Build up that, that, and that, that sort of adrenaline, the sort of, testosterone, all that stuff. Yeah. Okay. Evening entertainment? Yeah. Yeah. It's a cinema. I'm not asking the questions. It's a cinema showing three hours of pornography.

57:58No one's allowed to masturbate, though, just to build up the maximum frustration and rage. What kind of porn? Whatever, really. I thought porn always stopped at two minutes. Good. I don't molest the campers.

58:16Do you have any day trips planned, though? Yeah, really good ones. We really are playing on this, sort of making these men man up and really have a lot of mental problems um you're gonna get we're gonna take a date about to the abattoir where you the men get to like play with the animals half an hour then have to kill them themselves i thought that was where dead humans go what only if you're eating them in the ice morgue that's it in the ice isn't that the same thing though abattoirs where animals are getting it's where his mate rips chickens heads off yeah oh shit right okay that's as opposed to where his mate fucked their bodies um that's a different same mate um okay so um yes that's that and then uh my camp slogan is just camp violence push the pain down till you explode with rage i like it and marketing we're just gonna hang outside his camp and get the people that are there.

59:13That's quite smart. Probably a similar mark. That's smart. That is smart. So they go midlife crisis and then they don't enjoy it that much and then you get them Well, once they're a bit weak because it turns out getting the sports car has not really helped them. Their wife still left them. So, yeah. Give me three celebrities that you could envision attending your camp violence. Is Andrew Tate got stakes in this? Nah. We're separate from him. we're not about we don't hate women we're just purely here to take advantage of the men right okay we're just cunts yeah we're just really cunts you're breeding a new type of man that will go and hate women in their real life right um and you can't be responsible for that surely we sound like we could be responsible for this yeah we've not really thought about that yeah we've not really thought about the knock on effect impact on society no the safety of women in this no it isn't I'll be can we tell you can we tell you I don't think he'll help but a lot of the men who leave your camp will have no dick yeah a lot of them and a lot of them will have just gone mental some might be blind yeah he's got and a lot of mutt-bundering dads and the rage will be so great when they come out they might even not they might just go mental and attack one of the bears outside and the bears will kill them so okay how much would I pay for that I probably wouldn't want to go no wouldn't want to go I wouldn't want to go so I would probably pay 50 pounds because i pay nothing yeah i don't want to go but you're still giving him money fine you can come i'd give it a go i'd just have a look i'll have a look okay yeah right what day you're arriving thursday okay yeah because i kind of want to text my mom right okay although in the afternoon you don't get behind it if you lose yeah i won't lose right so my camp robbie is called camp camp we know that yeah aka bummer camp right I'm a bit worried about this one and I was the one who did something that's very bad for women oh no no no I'm so intrigued to know if it's similar to the first thing I was going to do right so I think there are a lot of men out there in the world that probably are scared of doing gay things yeah so they've probably got a wife and kids but they probably are you two people who are gay or people who aren't gay?

1:01:35People who are not gay. Are you talking about people who are gay or aren't gay? Because you did air quotes then. People who are probably a little bit gay, but not gay enough to be gay. Are these people sexually attracted to people of the same sex? Yeah, but not in a gay way. Isn't it all a gay way? Well, so no gays can come here. We ban gays. Right. Ban gays. That's a good start. I think this is kind of more problematic than mine, which is mental. So this is just a place... Right, so on our poster, and this is different to the marketing at the end, but it says, Are you 100 % totally not gay, but just love the idea of secretly sucking on a cock?

1:02:18Then leave your wife at home and get down to camp camp. For one week a year, this exclusive bummer camp rolls into town, and you could be rolling into a bloke of your choice. From handsome pretty boys to big, rugged, manly men, there are all kinds of men here for your leisure. Although you'll probably hate it, because remember, you're straight just have a week of pure arse shagging then go back to your miserable stinky wife right why stinky has this all come to your head because you were thinking about the guy at the camp that you fell in love with i read this before that so whilst writing this you started envisioning a man you want to fall in love with well this is just a place for people to go and be camp so these are closeted people no robbie being camp and being gay different I know they are, right?

1:03:02But I've never met a bastard or a nasty person who's camped. All camp people have seemed nice to me. Okay. They seem fun. Okay. Like they go drag nights and fashion. Have you ever spoken to a human? Like ever? Fashion. So, and also I think... Go fashion. Why would you go fashion? Where'd you go? What'd you do? what is the pursuit of going fashion well i would love to be gay right because gay people because you have such an understanding of the culture gay people just know what they want in life do you know i mean go on like they are just unapologetically themselves what do they want all of them no most of the ones i know are like like pride that seems a laugh you can still get a pride can i yeah all right well So this camp is for maybe people who are a bit closeted to just go for a week and get it out of their system.

1:04:07No. Sorry. Get out of their system and find a second and get back in the closet. Are these people who are scared, who are probably gay, but are scared of that and as a result just want to go and do it and it will probably eventually then they'll go, actually I'm gay. Maybe it'll help them. I don't know. But it's like imagine these are on the outside. these are people that you wouldn't traditionally think are gay. So like Ray Winston might be there. Why is Ray Winston there? Because he's like not gay. He's so not gay. But he's not camp. But you... Yeah, I know. The reason people have to be camp?

1:04:43No, you can't... You're not camp, you're not gay, but you go to this camp so you can... How do people know if they should apply to go? Look, because they've secretly got thoughts about it, Stevie. Are you saying Ray Winston's secretly got thoughts about this? no right we go go-karting right but we're not f1 drivers but we just like to pretend we are for a bit we go indoor skydiving we're not astronauts do you know what i mean like astronauts don't skydive that's literally not what an astronaut does we're not skydivers then you literally are if you go skydiving people like host comedy podcasts even though they're not funny stevie do you know what i mean like yeah so this is a place just to be make believe for a week.

1:05:26Okay, go on. Okay. Right. Just to get it clear in my head, so these people are just doing it for fun or is a little bit back there that they might... It might confirm some stuff they've been thinking about. Right, okay, thank you. Where's it located? I'll tell you, right? We've got our main HQs in Uruguay. Easy joke. But we have four camps across the world. These are all real places as well. Have you just Googled places that sound gay. I'm not sure this is alright. So you've got, you're a gay. We have Gay in Oklahoma. Yep. Gay Head in Massachusetts. Right. Gay Lord in Michigan. Hmm. In Brighton.

1:06:09Good. Yeah, that's good. Alright. Who's coming? Well, everyone's welcome, except actual gays, because actual gays have got their shit together. This is for men who are 100 % definitely not gay, but want to go out and explore what it's like. Right? We've had many, many celebrities and well-known people attend Bummer Camp over the year, but we have a strict procedure that we do not reveal who goes to Bummer Camp. Unless it's Ray Winston. We think that's out of order and it goes against our code of conduct. We have a strict privacy policy there, although we can confirm that some of our previous guests include William Sleeper, Ben White, Riot, Marla Skelly, Saka, Guy Habits, Marla...

1:06:49Just naming the Arsenal team. Victor Kiyokka is. and Michael Arteta. Just a little dig at Arsenal. Not a dig. It's not wrong to be gay. That's a joke anyway. It's a joke. No. None of them went except Arteta every gay's every year. That's it. How do you stop the gays from going? You said no gays allowed. How do you stop them from just going, oh, I... Well, you also get in legal trouble if you decide to ban people based on their sexual orientation. but this is the opposite of homophobic because we're letting people be gay yeah then gay people would not be gay there because they're gay in real life this is just from menly men who are not gay why can't gay people go to the gay camp anyway well I guess they can but they're ruining it why are they ruining it well that's like when you get no it's not it's like if you wanted to go to a restaurant you wouldn't say we're going to battle chefs from the restaurant you want the people who are good at the stuff no but this is for a fun little place for men to explore like this is like if you go up fucking five a side and the local Norwich team's playing piss off piss off this is for us so you don't want the Kenny McLean available there no no right like I've never done heroin right would I like to sure sure I would right so this is like but I'm not going to nah see what I'm saying a friend who tried heroin I've mentioned this before and I said to him I said to him what's it like he went well obviously fucking amazing no one stops no one doesn't do heroin because it's shit yeah he's like it's great yeah you can't do it because your life gets ruined would you go to heroin camp if that was an offer if i could go to a retreat for a week where you just do heroin and then when you come back you have none of the addiction you could just do it and go to rehab i would million percent do that i'm totally ill giving it a go oh yeah are you would you actually yeah why not so they're doing Yeah.

1:08:45Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. Right. So do you want to know what the activities are? I'd love to. Drag class where the campmates can come up with their own drag name and strut their stuff. Quite gay. Madonna karaoke class where the campmates can belt out their favourite Madonna tunes. Vogue. Like a prayer. Like a virgin. Into the groove. Quite gay. Makeup class where the campmates can learn the art of makeup. Quite gay. And Rocket League tournaments.

1:09:17didn't say quite gay after that bit nah because it's not quite what food served yeah yeah maybe it's gonna be sausages isn't it no okay hit me with the with the days go Monday did I actually say sausages you actually wrote wieners Tuesday wieners in gravy Wednesday It's going to be something. Wednesday. Wieners and gravy. Thursday. Wieners and gravy. Friday. Wieners and gravy. Saturday. Wieners and gravy. Sunday. We'll guess. You know by now. Sunday roast. You ruined my joke. I don't, sir. Yeah, Sunday roast on a Sunday. Because we're not just going to have wieners all day. Yeah, pigs in blanket.

1:10:04Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a pig in blanket and gravy. It's what it is. Right. Yeah, that's borderline. Evening entertainment. so we've got lots you can do there. We have lots of different rooms at Camp Camp. We have a cushion-making class where you can sit and make cushions. We have a Mariah Carey tribute act every night where you can sit and sing along to Mariah nearly. We have catwalk night where you can get doled up to the nines and strut yourself on a glittery catwalk. That's what you think doing fashion is. That's what you think people do in the evening. And then we have axe throwing. Axe throwing.

1:10:39But after every five axes thrown, you have to give a handjob to a willy coming out the wall. I would not want your willy to go through the wall where actors are being thrown. Yeah. If you lose a fight at Robbie's Camp Violence on a Sunday you have to be the willy for the hole at the axe-throwing room. Yeah. Oh, and we have a bumming room. Yeah, what happens in there?

1:11:06Those bums? What do you mean? There's just bums in there? You can just go bumming and there's no judgement. You can do it for as long as you want. Are other rooms without this judgement? Yeah, the cushion making class, gay. Right. But the bumming class... Especially class? Yeah, they show you out. Because remember, you're not gay, you've not done this before. Okay, how do they show you? Bum, yeah. Are they you? I'd say that class. Right, so... But it's weird because the bumming class is the most popular class we have there. Nobody's ever made a cushion. They might need them afterwards. Ryan Neely's never been seen by anyone.

1:11:46Honestly, no one's ever used the catwalk. Do you molest the campers? No. It shows that you do. I'm in a mole. Yeah, but they're up for it. You can't molest someone who's up for it. Your honour. Do you have any day trips out? Every Saturday we go to the rugby. Yeah. Then my marketing campaign. Well, I thought, right, I want to appeal to manly men who are not gay. So who's the poster boy? Danny Dyer. Right. So Danny Dyer, he's got a pint. He's walking through the pub. I'm Danny Dyer. Jared Bowen. Delivering his lines down the camera. So I'll do the lines that he will do. Okay, go on. I'm just going to close my eyes so I can picture her.

1:12:29I'm in the room with Danny Dyer. Are you oppressed by your mum? Pop down for a bum. Dad would disown you? Well, come suck a boner. Definitely not gay? Come down for a play. Fancying blokes for a bit?

1:12:46What does it say, Jack? What does it say?

1:12:56Fancying blokes for a bit? I'm trying to think of things that can be done in a bit and the only thing that's coming into my head is shit. Fancying blokes for a bit? Come choke on a shit. I don't think that's... Something gay community do. Yeah, I don't think gay people do that, Jack. At camp camp, it's not gay to be well gay. Sign up today. I like the little line at the end, though. Yeah. You like that? Yeah. How do you think? You like that? Don't really know what I think right now. What do I think, Stevie? It's a nice thing, though, innit? It's like letting people find themselves years before they've found themselves.

1:13:37Yeah. I think, I'll be honest with you I think you are targeting people you might be being, not saying yeah I think these people are in the closet and you're helping them out which is admirable well I don't think what you just said is the opposite of homophobic you just said come eat a shit yeah I think he's very close to homophobic but I'm not sure whether he quite falls into it or not but I just thought I was just trying to help people who might be sexually confused. Yeah. We've all gone for confused men, haven't we, as our things? Oh, yeah. Mine are sort of all the same sort of people who are in unhappy relationships and a bit confused.

1:14:21We speak on what we know. Imagine one of them all put together, so you'd have like an alpha male that's secretly gay that's in a middle of crisis. Be your dad.

1:14:33Sorry, dad. Is he an alpha male? Nah. or that voice he's little be listening sorry right there are camps let us know how much you'd pay to go to mine you would if no one ever found out you could go for a week of but then you'd love that I'd quite have to make cushions yeah I want to see Mariah nearly yeah she's good four grand yeah the only thing that puts me off is having to go to rugby on a Saturday yeah true true right there we go that was our dream summer camps you've got camp midlife camp camp and camp violence let us know in the spotify comments which one of the camps you would most like to attend for the week all on radio because I'm not going to read the spotify comments yeah it's just love right wing stuff Jackmates happy hour fall has never looked or tasted this good Sweet Green's fall harvest menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured.

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