679 - A Very Weird History Lesson With Samuel Pepys (Robbie)

20:55Jaack Maate:One in four of them were drunk as hell. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, that was the gin craze. So yeah, that was quite a big thing. I think you could bring that back. You could modernise that. You could sell that. What, the Puss and Mew element? Yeah. Imagine that in a spoon. Just a little hole in the door. You could just do it from your table. You just go up to it. No, because you don't want everyone putting their mouth over it, do you? No, especially not COVID times. The other thing that was quite good fun, bedlam. You still get on bedlam these days? I've been to bedlams. I think that's a very Norwich-centric thing that people across the country will not understand what we're saying.

21:32Jaack Maate:Bedlams, for us, was like a big play area with like ball pits. Ball pits. Ball pits? Yeah, and a soft play area. I grew up there. I used to love it. Yeah, I love Bedlams. Yeah. I've never seen that bit, but Bedlam, I'm of course talking about the Bedlam Royal Hospital that was essentially a tourist attraction. It was an asylum for the insane, and you could pay along to go and watch the insane people. Do you know what? Sounds very similar to what we have going on now. Okay. We call it TikTok. Oh. There's a lot of people losing their minds on there. It's a breeding ground for that. That's a bit of a politically incorrect word in the big 2026.

22:17Nutters. We've got nutters on TikTok. We pay them in bananas and rainbows and fish. Cowboy hats. Barter economy. Coins. And asked them to do stuff for us. Yeah, so the freak show back then was a hospital. Now it's a digital hospital that we call TikTok. Wow, I guess we've never... Things don't really change that much, do they? No, I think humans have always been kind of obsessed by the un-normal. We like watching the weird and wonderful.

22:47Jaack Maate:You make that sound really intelligent. I might put you in my diary. What are they watching at Bedlam? People being a bit insane, really. Psychos and that. Well, just lunatics. Yeah, but are they lunatics? Are they just, back in your day, someone had a headache and they'd get a drill in their head. Yeah, true. If someone was a woman, they'd go, what's that? Kill? Could be a witch. See, that happened a lot. So were they actually insane or were they just like, fine? I think they were insane, but your mileage may vary. You have got a good point. You have got a good point. Back then, the whole witch thing.

23:24Yeah, all of it. What's happening here, by the way, anyway? Where was this? So this is a podcast. So we do episodes twice a week. Yeah. It's a happy hour podcast and people can listen back. So people will actually be listening to this, what you're telling us today.

23:38Jaack Maate:Not just us two. So it's like a version of my diary, really. Yeah. Modern day diary. Okay. Modern day diary. What do you guys do for work? This. This is your job? Yeah. Right. I'm happy hour's hermit. You're the hermit. Yeah. That explains the beard. Yeah. Okay. With dishevelled hair. Syphilis. Yeah, syphilis. You see, I've got a few jobs. I think maybe you might want something to back up Korea. So I've got a few jobs from the olden days. Yeah. But I want to see whether you might fancy doing. Always good to add new things to the CV. Yeah. I'd give it about 18 months and Stevie, my permit here, will actually be looking for one of these.

24:18Okay. Well, I'm going to give you a job title and you tell me which one of you you think would be best doing it.

24:23Jaack Maate:Okay. I'm in. An all-new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in mom talk. You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. For bundle subscribers, terms apply. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT.

24:58Jaack Maate:Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Real value shows up in reliability you don't have to second guess. Like a set of Firestone all-season tires. They're designed to deliver confidence-inspiring wet weather traction and a quieter ride, no matter the road, season after season.

25:42Jaack Maate:Firestone all-season tires. For durability, you can count on. Just like people count on you. Firestone. Always dependable. Since 1900. Pure Finder. Pure Finder. That's what it is, Pure Finder. I think it's a man or a person who needs to look for virgins. Oh, I see what you mean. Like, pure blood. A woman of pure... Pure blood. Pure blood. Back then, I imagine it was very sought after as well. Yeah, because everyone was shagging when they were about nine, weren't they? Still do that here. Later on in life for you, Stevie. How would you do that if that was your job? would you look in a mirror? Wow.

26:27You fucking virgin. Peeps. Yes. Peeps is mean. Peeps is a gut. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to back my boy on that one. So which one's going to do the job of Pure Finder? Who do you think would be the best? Find a virgin. I'm not telling you what it is. I'm telling you the name of it. You tell me who's doing the best. I think you'd do that, Jack. You'd just have a night with your mates, wouldn't you? You are his mates, aren't you?

26:51Interesting. You just log into your Rocket League account. So Stevie, that's you, Stevie? Yes. Stevie. Nobody had the name Stevie. We have Steven. Right. Stevie. That's what he is, really. Hmm. Well, it's a job where you collect dog excrement off the streets, called Pure, and sell it to tanneries in Bermondsey, which they use to purify leather.

27:11Jaack Maate:So you dog shit make leather? You collect dog shit, give it to people for leather. I thought a tannery was like a sunbed place, and I thought that's how people tanned, to rub it. Dog shit on them. I mean, that was the way. probably i can't do that what rub dog shit on yourself i couldn't do the picking up the dog poo what even with an inside out bag just grosses me out what if there was something right outside your house would that annoy you it would annoy me but i wouldn't do i wouldn't do anything about it okay next job resurrectionist oh my god you're bringing back people back to life no you're restoring castles to their original build who's doing this job out of you two well it depends what it is, mate.

27:51I'd bring people to the side before you find out. I'd like to bring people back to life. God, do the opposite. I'll do the castles. I'll have the castle gig. Resurrectionists dig up fresh corpses to sell to anatomy schools, which, when they couldn't get, legally get enough bodies to work on. Right. Demand was so high that grieving families often bought mort safes and hired graveyard watchmen. So basically, safes to keep the bodies in so that people like you didn't dig them up. Right. Grave diggers. Yeah. What's... I don't understand what's wrong with people digging up someone's body. What? Really?

28:30What do you mean? I honestly don't. Explain your thought process there. So, if someone I love died, they are gone, right? That meat sack that I see before me is just a vessel of a former human. You wouldn't be able to disassociate it.

28:46Jaack Maate:If it's going to a medical school... Yeah, but you've buried them already. And someone's gone, you know what, I'll take that back out. You're at a funeral and he's there digging some of them off as you walk into the car. Him would be different because he'd probably fuck it. But I'm going to put this on record now on the podcast and you feel free to click this out. Should I ever pass away, right? You can do whatever you want with my body. Same. You do the same with me. Yeah. Yeah, you can put stuff in me. Take stuff out. Shake it all about. Okay, can you sign your body up to the sciences? I've already given my livers.

29:23Jaack Maate:What? You're going to have a liver? Given your liver? Who too? I've already given my organs away. No, you haven't. You're alive. I signed that little card. Oh, you've done the organ donut thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I think once you've gone, just let other people have it. Yeah, no, I agree. But I don't think everyone feels that way. So you can't just go and steal people's corpses. I think it's selfish and it's arrogant if you won't let someone steal your loved ones bodies. But some people say that you're a resurrectionist though, you're biased. Yeah true, I've got skin in the game. But some people believe that any tampering of the body is bad for the afterlife.

29:58Yeah, but I believe there is no afterlife.

30:00Jaack Maate:Yeah, so some people you can't just go and steal people's body if they disagree though. Do you believe in an afterlife? No, I don't care. You can do whatever you want to my body as well. You can do whatever you want to my body whilst I'm alive. By the way, this was all a joke. You can't do anything with my body, but he's just said I can now. I don't care, I'll be dead. I'm honestly shagging your ass. Stecking after you. Do it when I'm alive. Frigid. Well, I'm glad we're learning about the olden days in this history lesson. Tosha? Did you do that a lot back in the day? Shag your mates. What? What?

30:30I reckon they did back in the day. I reckon they got so bored. What have they got to look at? A fucking Victorian oil lamp. A fucking mental hospital mate to go to. yeah you get bored of that after a while hangings we used to watch hangings a lot to be fair some sick shit going on i'll tell you about sports your sports team was incredible tell you that

30:48Jaack Maate:that but to be fair anything you could have seen back then you can just open twitter now and it'll come up straight away when it yeah what's twitter it's a place where you just watch hangings you remember on tiktok you remember i told you about tiktok yeah twitter's like that but for the right wing nutters who like to have Andrea Perlow as her profile picture. Very specific. Who's that? Go on, what's next? What was the next one? Tosha. Tosha. Who's a Tosha? Tosha. Jack's the Tosha. Jack's the Tosha. Then you have to wade through the sewers hunting for drop coins, scrap metal and jewellery. Genuinely lucrative work.

31:25Could make quite a bit of cash as a Tosha. however um it was quite dangerous because of lethal pockets of explosive gas and collapsing tunnels uh and rats and stuff like that so i imagine it's quite big you generally work in a gang as well in a gang yeah you're gonna gang go down in a gang i could see myself in a gang would be cool i'd be cool i'd call ourselves the drain men okay and we're not a cool name is it we'd live in drains and find coins i think that's quite cool i think now if that was a job in the modern world. You've got such good protective clothing, hazmat suits, wellies. Well, people do similar jobs like that now, don't they?

32:01Jaack Maate:Metal detecting. Metal detecting, yeah. Gold diggings, even when you do it. See, there's similar things now. Yeah, we still have a bit of tosh, don't we? People do the bin diving as well, don't they? To try and find... Wow. Usually sandwiches and that, though, isn't it? No, but people try and find valuables and skips and stuff, don't they? Do you still have Link Boys? We've got LinkedIn. What's that? don't worry about it what's link boys link boys which one of you is the link boy together we're linked Stevie Stevie's a link boy you've got street lighting I've seen outside now yes crazy right there so before that boys would carry flaming torches to guide people through the dark streets for a small fee yeah I could be a link boy so you'd come out you'd come out your restaurant or whatever or your gin place here's a coin link boy take me away only problem with it was a lot of the link boys were also involved with muggers and they'd have a little dodgy thing.

32:55She had to make sure you got the right Link Boy. Ah. So they'd go, I'll take you down here, and then you get mugged. It doesn't matter where we've been in history, does it? There's always someone out to steal a pound note. Proper melts. Yeah. Hmm. So they act like they're helping you, really. Alfie would be fucked. Too many snakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. On this motherfucking plane. Preach, brother. So, Link Boys, when I picture all these... What's a plane? I'm going to smack you in your teeth in a minute. Doing my nutting, mate. I saw two men holding hands outside. Yeah? How'd that make you feel?

33:31Unusual, innit? Is that something that happens here or not? All the time. Oh. Yeah. Well, I never. Yeah. Do you want to know if that matter? What? Might not have always been men. What? That'll blow your mind. Leech collector. Who's a leech collector? We can't call him that. I don't understand whatever he just said I want to be clear I don't

33:54Jaack Maate:okay leech collector is probably the first job you've given a name of where it's fairly obvious what they're doing they're collecting leeches I imagine for medical reasons okay so you'd be happy doing that I'd rather not I'll do it yeah cool you can't let me throw me up Pete so what you have to do it's normally women that do it but that's fine you can do it you just wade into ponds and let leeches attach to your bare legs that's the way to collect the leeches obviously yeah and then you just sell them off for bloodletting. Yeah, it does often make people anemic because they lose so much blood to the leeches, though, so it's not the best job if you don't want to be anemic.

34:28Jaack Maate:But these days, you can take iron tablets after. What? Help with the anemia. How do you... How are leeches still a thing? Leeches exist, I think, from what I saw. When we did the tour, and we had Rooney the sheep for a photo shoot, the guy who brought the sheep in said that they have, like, a farm of animals that they use for TV shows, and they used leeches for a TV show like the week before. Yeah, he did, didn't he? So leeches are still used. Back in the day, it was way more for medical reasons. I don't know. I think it does clean your blood. I don't know much about leeches, but I remember olden day things as a positive thing.

35:06Imagine being an animal so bad that people use your genre as an insult. You're a leech. That's just a bloodsucker, isn't it? You're a leech. Yeah, but no one goes, he's a nice guy. He's a good leech. You know what I mean?

35:18Jaack Maate:because leeches are doing positive things aren't they no they're not they're sucking the blood at your kneecaps but they're useful for this but they're helping well you need leeches back in the day what what was it for again what was the purpose sucking out blood yeah but why do you want your blood sucked out i want my blood sucked in what kept in yeah right well we're different why would you want your blood sucked it's cutting edge medical technology i don't don't fully understand it have you have you not got that yet leeches nah yeah yeah oh yeah well maybe there's a new thing now yeah okay that's good we do one more job and then we move on um knocker up which one of you is going to be the knocker up jack shagger no i don't think it can't i don't think it would be this but yeah it does sound like do you think it's a diy thing knocker rather than a pregnancy thing i think it's somebody who hammers the bottom of trees to get worms out the top that's so specific yeah but look do you have worms up trees in these days Worms are in the ground in my day.

36:18Oh, okay. Dunno then. Dunno then. And you're going to be it, are you? Yeah, I'll be the knocker up. This actually carried on until the 20th century, knockers up, because now I believe you have something called an alarm clock. Yeah, an alarm clock. We've got alarms, yeah. We've got alarm clocks. On our pee hands. Before that, people would tap on the bedroom windows of the long pole or shoot dried peas up at the glass to wake someone up. So you go to knocker upper. I've got to be up for a meeting at 7.30 tomorrow wake you up knock me up at 7.30 and they just have the big stick they just tap on your window you up mate you're a personalised alarm human alarm clock that's actually one of the nicer ones isn't it that or the leecher I'd rather that yeah it's quite nice about that

37:00Jaack Maate:how does the knocker up wake up because what if you've not got an alarm to then go and wake someone else up he never goes to bed never sleep knocker up never sleep no he'll sleep during the day wake up naturally around midnight and then when 5am comes and the sun comes up he'll go and knock on the windows he lives his life backwards yeah maybe have a night knocker-upper to wake up the knocker-uppers yeah just shift patterns you'll learn about them in the future yeah where I live now every now and then I get a little knock on the knock on the top window yeah window cleaner what? we have a window cleaner when he just comes when you're asleep yeah yeah yeah he comes in the mornings 11am 11am bangs on the bangs on the window squirts all this water up there knock her up her knock her up her so you have you've got him as a personalised lamb once a month once a month because you know I told you that my granddad smashed the fuck out of the bat box I asked window cleaner if he could do it what'd he say he blanked me wow yeah I'm sorry that happened to you no you alright peeps you alright mate are you enjoying having Samuel Peeps here yeah he's a good lad that's weird me I hate how little he knows about the modern world and I'm not entirely sure he knows that much about history i know that's sports though oh okay right because i've noticed that there's a sports thing going on here some newfangled sport football yeah football popular yeah it's just football cups on the minute yeah so is it as popular as as like some of the other big sports around at the minute like shin kicking shin kicking it's very much is football in a way is it yeah shin kicking it was part of the 1612 Cotswold Olympic big sporting tournament back in the 1600s they had an Olympics in the Cotswolds Cotswold Olympics Robert Dover started it nice okay and shinking still goes on in the modern day apparently in some parts of your country it's basically you stand opposite someone and just boot with a shin as hard as you can that would break well these days people put straw down their trousers but they didn't used to do that in the olden days what did they do nothing they used to You train by smashing your own shins with hammers, stuffing yourself up.

39:12That sounds absolutely awful. There's some nutter on TikTok that drops stuff on his shins to see how much he can withstand. He'd probably be quite good at this then. He might be the champ, the modern day champ. I think he dropped an iron on it the other day. Why? Why? Why are people doing shit like this? Views, innit? Currency. Pain isn't worth it. No, I know. I know. He should be putting Bedlam. Yeah, he should be putting... Yeah, well done, peeps. you brought back your own thing thank you thank you i was proud to rip my own thing so basically two competitors grip each other by the shoulders or collar and kick each other in the shin the aim being to force the opponent to the ground a fall only counts if the shins were kicked first and a judge called the stickler make sure it happens which i believe you use the phrase now stickler for the rules yes ah which comes from that where it comes from it does indeed wow well So how do you win a game?

40:07Kick him in the shins till he falls over. You have a go now if you want. Do they wear shoes? You wear shoes, yeah. These days you'll wear soft shoes. Okay, what were they wearing back then? Olden days, proper shoes. Do you want a game? Not really. Before shin kicking went woke. I've got decent shins. Have you? Decent shins.

40:23Jaack Maate:Is that why you wear like tiny little shin pads? What the fuck are you talking about, mate? You have like little credit card sized shin pads, don't you? What are you? I wear the biggest shin pads. I feel like I'm insulted you are by that. No, because actually the small ones are the cool things to wear, right? I don't get it. I'm unk status now, aren't I? Yeah. So I wear big wraparound shin pads. Why are you wearing big wraparound ones? Because I always have. But why? You've just said you've got good shins. You don't need them. I've got good shins, Stevie, because I've been protecting them for years, mate.

40:55Jaack Maate:But no, because these guys have good shins because they've been hitting hammers on them. If you weren't protecting them, you'd have better shins. I'm on the legs a lot. They're strong old boys. Kick each other in the shins Let me see your shins How are you going to look at a shin and say whether it's alright or not That's a bone Yeah I'm just tapping at the C Why does yours sound hollow Why does that sound hollow Your sound He's got dent shins No genuinely why when you knock your shin Sorry listeners Stevie and I will be Arguing about our shins for the next 10 minutes Genuinely when you've just hit that It sounds like there's Do it near the mic

41:37Jaack Maate:Why does it sound like your bones are aired out? Sorry, I think my knuckle-upper's here Wicky-wicky No, no, no, I've just got good shit Let me put your leg up there Mic movement What are we doing? Yeah, yours has got less echo to it I'm confused Sorry for anyone listening to this episode Sorry about that, I just really wanted to alpha him with my chins and in turn I actually got baited. So shin kicking not that big these days? No. I've never seen it or heard of it. Yeah. Obviously the big sport is still presumably like pedestrianism, yeah? We've got a lot of pedestrians. Yeah. The pedestrianisation of Norwich City Centre has happened now.

42:24Right. Yeah. Is it just a sport of everyone standing on the pavement? I know what it is. Work it out, you thick cunt. is people running through traffic what what how would that be a sport that sounds awful how the fuck would shin kicking be a sport because shin kicking is fucking class who's the best at it gary gary fiction his name kind of meant for it wouldn't he so pedestrianism was one of the biggest sports of edwardian victorian times basically 19th century competitive walking So it started off with footmen walking alongside their aristocrats' carriages. Right. And then they started putting on little wages, going, I can walk further than you, I can do this walk and that.

43:08The man who lit the fuselage was Captain Robert Barkley Allardyce, a 29-year-old Cambridge-educated Scottish gentleman and son of an MP who said, I reckon I can walk 1 ,000 miles in 1 ,000 hours. And just went off and did it in Newmarket Heath in 1809. In Newmarket? Newmarket Heath. I live near there, peeps. Do you? Yeah. Nice.

43:29Jaack Maate:An all-new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in MomTalk. You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. For bundle subscribers, terms apply. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast.

44:05Jaack Maate:Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans.

44:54Jaack Maate:Firestone, always dependable since 1900. Right, okay, so what, and how did it become a sport and not just one man? Well, the genius, the way he did it, it was genius, was rather walking continuously, he would walk, because you had to walk it in the hour. You couldn't just walk loads in one day. You had to walk every hour. You had to walk a mile. What, and sleep? And get his sleep involved? So what he would do is he would walk a mile at the end of one hour and then the next mile at the start of the following hour, which would give him 90 minutes off each time. It took him 42 days. Nearly broke him.

45:28Towards the end, he had to be kept awake by being prodded with needles and by pistols being flied close to his ears. And he lost 14 and a half kilograms over the six weeks. Fucking hell. Good sport. Yeah. Did they do stuff like that in the World Cup? Not in the World Cup, but we had a guy who ran the whole length of Africa. Yeah. This bloke, did Allardyce over here have a big ginger beard? Can't remember. Right, okay. I wasn't there and we don't have photography Do you know what Africa is? Yes I had a lion once I had a lion Someone brought me a lion We have jokes in our day And I like that one You owned a lion?

46:11Why? I think someone gave it to me as a present If I recall correctly Well our mate He ran the length of Africa Okay. Is that cool to you? Or do you just prefer getting booted in the shin? It sounds... It doesn't sound as good as that. Running sounds a bit cheating. You suppose you can only walk, really, in pedestrianism. Oh, okay.

46:33Jaack Maate:Running's harder, though. Oh, is it harder than waking up every 90 minutes to walk two miles and get back to sleep? Have a gun short near your head? I feel like they could have woken up in a better way. Yeah. Well, look, the money is the real thing there, because there was a lot of money in pedestrianism. Is there any money in... Is football... Is there money involved in football? Or is it a pure sport that has been untainted by the dollar? It's a bit of money, isn't it? It's a bit of money, yeah. A little bit, yeah. If you're at the top, you eat well. That's good. Well, Barclay's initial wager was£1 ,000, which at the time, an annual wage for a worker was generally£50 a year.

47:08So it was big money he was getting to do this. Who's paying that? Sponsors. I bet. Yeah. Side bets pushed his own take to around£16 ,000. that he got in the end for doing it. It's minted, though. That must be worth about 4.8 billion. It was roughly 320 years of income for most of the people watching. And the gambling around it was on another scale entirely. Times estimated bets totally about£100 ,000 were placed on the race's outcome. Over£80 million in today's money on whether this guy could have done it. Well, it was just a two-outcome thing. Can he do it or not? Can he do it or not, yeah. so did people bet 80 million pounds on your friend running across africa no not as good then maybe

47:53Jaack Maate:that's why people were shooting guns near us there's like i've got money on this get up yeah i would bring i would have brought captain barkley along with us today but he died in 1854 after he got kicked by a horse is that funny motherfucker why are you laughing at that he was a friend of mine although i said i didn't know what he looked like a minute ago i just remembered he was my friend oh right was he actually samuel peeps his friend no i died 200 years earlier how how'd the horse kicking happen just walked past and got kicked they're playing a game of shins yeah the horse won yeah that's one yeah good training that would have been yeah it got more and more crazy richard manx the warwickshire antelope you heard of him no i like the nickname nickname i know yeah I thought that.

48:37He walked three consecutive matches at Sheffield 1851. He did 1 ,000 quarter miles in 1 ,000 quarter hours, then 1 ,000 half miles in 1 ,000 half hours, then a full Barkley match. So he did in total 1 ,750 miles in nearly 73 days. The reports are heartbreaking vivid. This might make you a bit sad, so please do not smile. We laugh at all sorts on air. This is a very close friend of mine, so I'd like you not to smile when I tell you the quotes he said. At one point, he refused to rise he cried like a child and he told the timekeeper I shall walk no more and asked do you want to kill me? before being persuaded to finish.

49:18Jaack Maate:How far into it was he then? Not that sad is it? That wasn't that sad. He signed up for it didn't he? The little twat. Sounds like a twat your mate. I don't know what's a twat? Little bitch. You. He sounds like me. the venues were without exception pleasure gardens or grounds attached to hotels or pubs with a band playing at peak times so quite a lot of the time there'd be dancing people would go just to get drinkers in so you'd often have you might have to point to point for two pubs like do you still have the murderers in Norwich? Yeah I used to go there quite a bit and Adam and Eve used to go to quite a bit so you can have your two pubs and you basically you do your walk between there so you'd measure the distance and go so you knew once you did 20 bits you'd see them come back like an hour later I think this sounds like the single most boring thing to witness in the world.

50:09It's just walking, isn't it? Imagine that you just see a bloke walk from Adam and Eve to murderers.

50:14Jaack Maate:But we do it now. The Backyard Ultra sounds like this, doesn't it? The Backyard, have you seen that? They're running, aren't they? Yeah, they're running. But the whole point is that you have to do a certain distance in an hour. And the only time you get off, every hour on the hour, you have to run again. The only time you get off is however long it takes you to get back. You can then chill for like 20 minutes before the next one. and it's whoever managed to do the most laps wins. Is that what that is? Yeah. I don't get... Fair play to people that can do these endurance things, but I don't get the enjoyment from that.

50:43It's just a running thing, isn't it? Well, and then can they have a little 20-minute nap, can they?

50:47Jaack Maate:Yeah, if you can... Because it's overnight as well. It goes overnight and it just goes until the last person can't go anymore. What's the record for that? Do you know? No. I'll have to look into it. I'd love to know the record for that. Sorry, peeps. No, you carry on. Yeah. So that was most of it, really. So yeah, a guy called John Mountjoy walked 60 miles a day between the bald-faced Staggup Finchley and the White Hart at St. Albans in 1839. And they just quite do these back and forths. Do you reckon he's having a little tipple in each pub and that? Oh, I imagine probably would have done back in the day.

51:14We quite liked it. So this is like a really pointless pub crawl, isn't it? A little bit. Fun fact, though. Do you know why pubs often have signs outside in your modern world? What do you mean signs? Like as in to get people in? You'll have names, like you'll see the White Hart or whatever it is outside. back in my day or a bit before my day a lot of people couldn't reread so what they'd have to do is have a picture up of something so you'd have a pub called the White Heart because she'd go out to the one with that thing outside so that's why they all had Red Lion yeah and a lot of these things were it was the king I can't remember which king it was it was the king who brought this in so he said you have to have signs like this it's a new rule so and a few like the White Heart was on his coat of arms so people chose the White Heart to like suck up to him and stuff like that Oh, really?

51:59So if you could do things on the king's coat of arms, it'd be like, yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. That is interesting. So what are the most common? You've got the white heart, the red lion, the black horse. You get like king's arms, king's head as well. They're all being a little bit... They're being well sunk. They're being well, they're rimming him. I'm going king's head. Yeah. Yeah. You ever had king's cock? You had cock in. Is that what that...

52:20Jaack Maate:What was the picture on that? It would have been a cockerel though, wouldn't it? Man's erect penis, Stevie, but I had to change it because of woke. did you have woke in your day well i mean i think not kicking people in the shins was woke for us well you pussies do uh well it doesn't sound like pedestrians are the sport for you so i'll just go through a few others really have to do a few more quickly yeah of course it just sounds a bit slow that one oh walking right yeah yeah yeah it's it's what it is yeah uh ratting do you do ratting big these days uh we have a rat festival don't we you did a lot of ratting at uni didn't you ratting yeah i've heard i've heard a lot of people say that do you know what uni is uh yes okay know some things go on tell us about ratting ratting um it's probably probably have it quite a bit it might just become a different name now you know the game where you um where you drop a dog into a pit of rats and time how many it can kill what honestly you'd watch that wouldn't you horrific but but if i could go back in time i'd watch it for one game hugely popular victoria london often staged in the back room of pubs there was a celebrity dog called billy who reportedly once killed a hundred rats in only a few minutes go on that's the dog i'm getting billy i'm getting billy yeah you really want the dog that can rip open a hundred rats in a minute to have around in your house of course you do you've got a cat that does that anyway i know can i just say i was joking about the the dog thing that's that's horrendously cruel i wouldn't normally put an disclaimer for my jokes but there was that one bloke on the other week who said he was taking you know when i was saying that i don't love titch anymore yeah that's just a joke for the podcast yeah and someone's going i can't believe he's gone off this cat god forbid he ever gets a dog he's gonna abuse it he's gonna feed it rats I've just gone I'd love to see someone throw a dog into a pit of rats I mean it would be interesting to watch I would fucking watch it okay you want a sport that's a bit less cruel than that no I want rat can you bet on ratting like over under will he do over 60 rats I'll tell you what would be better peeps if you're going back at any point suggest this everyone brings their own rat right right there's a communal dog yeah because in your world pit of rat pit of rats chuck a dog in yeah so there's a there's a dog the same dogs used every time we all bring our own rat little jersey on it like horse racing i'll have the red and white stripes and you have a number and you put all your rats into the pit throw the dog in and see whose rat can be the last one to survive okay i don't know much about your um world can i ask you a question about your world these days i mean i understand how people are probably fine with people discussing historical animal cruelty are people on the internet generally happy when you think up of new ways to be cruel to animals probably won't get down well peeps if i'm honest well that's interesting well look maybe maybe ratting's not the right sport then what about cock throwing you did about that uni didn't you cock throw is is this another animal thing are you lobbing it's not it's not as cruel as the other one no no i didn't love a chicken man That's fucking disgusting.

55:29Sorry. Jesus, you tie a chicken to a pole and then you throw sticks at it till it dies.

55:36Jaack Maate:That's so much worse. That's horrible, peeps. It's what we're into. How long would it take? You seem very dismissive of our culture. Yeah, so I think some of the things you do are a bit wrong, but I'll allow it. How long would it take? You're tying a chicken to a pole. How long is that chicken surviving? Depends how good you are at throwing sticks at it. How big are the sticks from twig to log? It's up to you, I think. You just bring your own stick. I could kill a chicken easy if you give me the right log. Again, you seem very into all the different ways to kill animals. I'm just purposely doing it.

56:11You'd love it. I read it both now. Okay, so interest in that?

56:16Jaack Maate:No, I'd prefer rat. I think the rat one was more exciting. Okay, maybe these aren't quite right. Bear baiting? You bait a bear. You got that still? What do you do? try and give it some food? Tie bear to post. Why are they always getting tied to post? Well, this one you're not going to throw sticks at it. Okay. Be fine then. Set dogs on it. Fuck me. I don't know why that's more brutal than the rats. If you're not dropping dog in pit of rats, set a group of dogs. You want a few dogs. I think that's unfair if bear can't fight back. Bear can fight back, but if you've got enough dogs, you're okay. But he's tied to pole.

56:54Yeah, he's a move.

56:54Jaack Maate:how many dogs he's tethered to it he's not like he's not like tied up like help me yeah I was picturing no arms no he's just he's just in one place because you don't want a bear running and go mental around your town yeah where are you finding bears yeah woods what in Newmarket maybe in the olden days right I think that's cruel that's probably why we can't find bears in new days yeah I mean I just I'm sorry if I've misread this I didn't know what's acceptable here now so please don't yeah cancel me is that how you say it yeah You will probably get cancelled for this. Okay. Well, it doesn't matter because I'm off to the badger baiting later anyway.

57:32Jaack Maate:There's badger baiting as well as bear baiting. You don't have badger baiting? No. We don't have any baiting. It's different though. You're not tethering a badger to things. We've got a bit of badger baiting. I've badger baited over his mum quite a few times. In the old days we used to just wank over her. So This is different Because you're not Tethering the badger To anything You didn't like the tethering Did you? Nah tethering's bad So all you do this time Is badger in a barrel Okay what's that Badger in a barrel Bear with me Dogs Dogs go in And get badger out Oh just get him out Just help him out Help him out With their teeth How many dogs?

58:16How many you want How many can you fit In a barrel? Depends on the barrel but yeah that's so big barrel yeah badger inside yeah and the dogs have to get the badger out yeah these don't sound like sports they're more spectator sports I reckon yeah they do sound like sports Tory sports okay yeah do the Tories do this mate? who's that? don't worry we have like fox hunting and stuff now that's still going we do that as well

58:44Jaack Maate:yeah have that into the list though because weirdly it still happens that shows you how mental it is doesn't it yeah it's okay right one more then one more sport I think you'll be fine with this like because a lot of ones you found cruel there's one will be alright goose riding that sounds fun yep it is fun I'm glad you said that it is so fun no it does sound fun okay it's really funny but who's riding the goose if you say dogs no sorry I think you might have misunderstood but it is fun okay so you get a live goose yeah you suspend it upside down from a rope and then riders on horseback gallop underneath and while they go past try and pull its head off.

59:26It's like... Fun! It's like a piñata. Yeah, it's like a piñata. Yeah, but you have to go... Sometimes what they do to make it more exciting they'd grease the goose up. So it's hard to get. So you go, oh, I almost got it then. It's the goose a lot. And the winner is the one who rips his head off. The grease adds a fun element to it, I'll admit. Cruel as it is. Oh. Trying to... Didn't realize that one was cruel as well. Yeah. I've got a lot to learn about the modern world.

59:51Jaack Maate:Yeah, you are. That does, it sounds like the winner, it wouldn't be a nice way to win, would it? Heads coming off, stuff coming out. But your mate did that. You were off by then, you were on the way, weren't you? Your mate did that and weren't even playing a sport. It'd be class, huh? Yeah. He would be good on a chicken Hitler over there. So that was the game. There's something funny about trying to grab something that you can't quite grab. Yeah, it's like those old little toys you could get. Yeah. Can you remember them? You try and hold it and it just keeps slipping out of your hands. Yeah, yeah, they were fun.

1:00:15Jaack Maate:yeah so i'll give you one other sport what you put your willy in you put your willy in so much when you were younger yeah he liked to put his willy in things like oh don't we all how do you think we all got syphilis mattresses and he's just said we had this toy it's kind of rubbery and when you hold it it would just slip out and it's really hard to keep hold of but jack was saying he put his willy in that definitely you haven't yeah peeps did some stuff

1:00:45one other sport with no animals you want one quick last one yeah one more sport no animal cruelty that'd be great okay just to get just as a sort of to change um you do you still play a lot of single stick around here single stick no the only single stick when he was at uni the only things

1:00:59Jaack Maate:you've said with sticks so far are chucking them at chicken nah no no animals involved in this is this like poo sticks i've not played poo sticks i imagine yes it's exactly the same you want to Play single stick? Who sticks? You go on a bridge, river, throw your stick in the river, run to the other side and whoever's stick comes out first wins. Okay. You're trying to get the best current sort of thing. I'd like to see you two do single stick at some point. So you'd have a little battle. It's a fighting sport, the doubles of sword training. You get like a cane, like a stick sort of thing and you're both topless and you hit each other with the sticks and blows on any part of the body or the weights are allowed but they're only really used to create openings and distract people, which you can smash someone in the ribs.

1:01:41It doesn't matter because the only way you can win is by a broken head. What? What's a broken head? Any cut on the head that draws blood, basically. Okay. So you can bat to your opponent's shoulders all day, but the only thing that will win you the match is if you make their head bleed. Fucking hell. Yeah, very good. Single stick actually made it to the 1904 St. Louis Olympics. The Olympics? But they think it was probably more like the version of cane fighting rather than the actual proper good quality non-woke single stick that we used to play back in my day what's cane fighting well i know a guy that might want to bring back single stick his name's dana white they'd be interested in that what's he like he creates a lot of like

1:02:21Jaack Maate:does he do this does he do the slap thing he does mega slap so what's it called that's a shit name no it's not okay i was gonna say there's a thing called mixed martial arts okay but he'd be very interested in the single stick. Single stick sounds... Goose riding? Goose riding? I don't know, Dana. But maybe. Maybe. But what I know about him, still maybe. A single stick and shin kicking. Yeah. Be all over it. Well, look, I hope you've learned a little bit about what life was like in the olden days. It's been good fun, PP. Thank you. I need to go off now, if that's alright. Yeah. So I'll see you in a bit.

1:03:00Yeah. Cheers, everyone. Yeah. This guy's holding hands.

1:03:07Robbie just dropped a little bit of himself in there. All right, geezer. Hello, mate. How you doing? Did you see Peeps? I saw Peeps. We saw him. Yeah, I saw him. Went down to the shop. We saw him. He was teaching us all about history. Did you mention the goose riding? Yeah. Yeah. Rankin' it.

1:03:21Jaack Maate:What's he telling you about that? Yeah, I remember at the time. What's the... What's the joke? What's the line across your head? What? I've just been doing some stick... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. in the headway. No, that was good fun, that. Was it? Yeah, I thought it was good. Came in, he taught us all about sports. He taught us all about sort of syphilis. Did he? Yeah. Yeah. He was shocked by gay people. Yeah. Oh, he found that unusual. He kept mentioning people holding hands and shit like that. But I suppose he probably, the way he said it, it wasn't in a totally disrespectful way, more just did it as shock, as a sort of lighthearted joke rather than anything particularly vicious.

1:03:56Yeah.

1:03:57Jaack Maate:You could see he didn't like it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He told us that. My views are different from Samuel Peters. He told us that you and him, you're going to be moving into his front garden at some point. Does that have a bloody hermit joke?

1:04:14I don't really like history anyway, do you? Just leave it in the past, don't you? Yeah, at school that was my least favourite subject. Do you know something that Peeps actually did do that I've got from his diary that I was looking at? I just found this computer here. So the Royal Society had been founded. The Royal Society, yeah. Yeah, and in November 1966, they decided to transfuse blood from one dog to another to see if it would work. So they had a mastiff that bled to death and put their blood into a spaniel, which survived. And it was fine. It was well, well, nothing went wrong with the second dog.

1:04:54Peeps heard about this. What, in 1966? 1666. Oh, right. but yeah peeps had heard about this and um then said like what happened if we he said what happened if we transfuse the blood of an archbishop into a quaker but he was saying we should do it to a person right he was into this so they did try it on a human in 23rd november 1667 arthur cog a cambridge divinity graduate looked upon as a very freakish and extravagant man was given a transfusion of lamb's blood to make him more docile the theory being that mild sheep blood would cool his blood and restore order to his mind um yeah peeps did this peeps are peeps are suggesting this peeps peeps was well into this peeps might be a bit of a nutter a little bit i can't think

1:05:39Jaack Maate:the berry and the cheese was a bad thing yeah i can see why he didn't tell us that he did this yeah yeah peeps um he said he says in his diary he met this guy who had his lamb's blood put in him he met Cog at a dinner party after and found he spoke very reasonably and very well though he thought he was cracked a little in the head he went great with mint sauce though yeah, good but he survived yeah, the lamb blood guy I think now if we put lamb blood in someone we wouldn't survive do you think that we've gone so far with medicine that we're more ill? no, absolutely not I think we've lived decades longer Do you think the world is so clean?

1:06:22So what I mean by this, this isn't any weird anti-vaccine shit, right? Okay. You need to build up resistance to things. Back in the day, they'd live in shit. Yeah, they'd be resistant to everything. They'd be down in the drains, wanking or whatever. Now, we live in this, what's it called? Sterile environment. Yeah. Whereas if I get a little bit of pollen from a daffodil going in my nose, I'm sneezing for weeks.

1:06:48Jaack Maate:Yeah, were people... Did they get hay fever back then? That's my point. That's my point. Probably weren't worried, were they? Don't know. Probably too worried about the Black Plague. Yeah. Stuff like that. Were you worried about getting tickets to the goose riding? For a brief moment, I thought it was men on goose back. That's the beautiful thing about the goose riding, is you think it's going to be a respite from the animal cruelty. You think it's going to be cruel, but you don't think it's going to be as bad. Yeah. It's actually worse, somehow. It's loads worse. I think any of the ones where it was animal cruelty, animal on animal doesn't like the dog doing it to the rats they can choose to do that you're putting them in a situation that they're going to do it Titch does that to rats now exactly you're getting mouse heads in your house all the time but as soon as the humans are the ones choosing to rip a head off, you're trying to rip a head off a goose I think you've gone too far yeah, do you want to just tell for anyone who didn't go to the live show what your mate did?

1:07:42nah I think we leave that on stage it was pretty brutal He ripped the chicken's head off. Not even for sport. Just for the fun of the game, wasn't it? I don't know. He ain't your mate though, is he? He's got that clear. No, not seen him for years. Yeah. Yeah. He had a bad day at work. Ripped the chicken's head off. Right, guys. This has been fucking nuts. Maybe we'll see Peeps again one day. Well, I'm sure he'll be around again sometime if you want him. Yeah, just to tell us about parts of history that he wasn't even part of. Yeah. Yeah.

1:08:13Jaack Maate:He said he liked you though. Yeah. Good things to say about you. That's kind. Yeah. This has been Jackmates Happy Hour podcast with me, Jackmates, Stevie White, and Samuel Pepys. I think Pepys might be homophobic. I think he's just from a different time. You should see yourself twink.

1:08:38Jackmates Happy Hour.

1:08:40Jaack Maate:An all-new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in MomTalk. You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. For bundle subscribers, terms apply. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast.

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