680 - Taskmaster HAPPY HOUR EDITION

30:56The suspension bridge? Yes, I thought it was like a massive bridge. But why have you waited for the bread to get hard instead of just getting tins of soup? They're already hard. If it was aisle, I would change it if it was aisle, and I would use probably tins of soup. Good idea. But I was like, this isn't possible, so I'm going to cover myself in pillows and then have a big bed sheet and just glide down. Why are you covering yourself in pillows? In case the bed sheet doesn't work. How many pillows? Why are you trying to get across the aisle? I want to know how many... You should have said in your question, you have to get across the aisle.

31:34Well, I also didn't say that you're going to fall to your death. But why would there be... The reason bridges are there in society is so cars don't go in the sea. Can I just interrupt and say I need the point for this because he's not made a fucking bridge. Yeah, I did the soup thing. So whether... No, you just made that up to improv. But his didn't support his weight. No, but it's still a bridge, though. So even if I failed... We both failed. Annoyingly, you've both fucked it, but one of you has to win. I didn't build a bridge. No, I did. Yeah, so they're fine. Yeah. Fine. I'd use some really hard bread, like rye.

32:12Something like that. Okay. Still, the tins are available. Bridge over the river rye. Say that again? I don't get that. Bridge over the river rye, mate. Pun on bridge over the river kwai. What's bridge over the river kwai? novel book. What's Kwai? Do you mean Kee? Kee? You're trying to say Kee? Q-U-A-Y. That's Kee. Ah, you've done me there. Kee? Do you think Kee? Q-U-A-Y is Kwai? What is it? Look, if you go to Quayside. Ridge over the river Kwai. You call it the Kwai side. Oh my God, look, there's, over the years, we've had so many comments on Reddit and stuff saying they hate it when Jack acts thick.

32:56He's not acting. Bridge over the river Kwai. I thought that was how you say it. Kwai. Kwai. Unless you're talking about something different. Right, hang on. There's no need to Google it. Bridge over the river Kwai. How do you spell Kwai? How do you spell Kwai? That's a completely different thing. We said Q-U-A-Y. Oh, wow, you are clever. Q-W-A-I. Fucking hell, sir. Fair play to you. K-W-A-I. Fuck's sake. What the fuck is that? Film. Why when we're going, do you mean Q-U-A-Y? I think it was a 1957 war epic, if I'm not mistaken. Why when we've just said to you, do you mean Q-U-A-Y, you're going, yeah.

33:34I don't know. I can't deny you spell the movie. I've just heard people go, have you ever seen or read Book of the River Kwai? I'm really impressed by that. I think that's really clever. He wins the round for that. I take everything back on Reddit. He's not thick. He does make it up. Well, I've obviously just fucked all these motherfuckers. No, you haven't fucked them all unless every single task you've not done what I've asked you to do. Now, this next task you've given us, Stevie, is really good. I liked it. I thought it was brilliant. It was hard to be good with it, but we've given it our best go.

34:00No, I'll be the judge of whether it was hard to be good. I believe in you. I really like, when I wrote this, I was thinking, I think this could be a good moment for both of you. This is great. The question is, Alfie, you're starting this time. The World Cup has been and gone, and it feels like something is missing from my life. I would like you both to deliver passionate commentary for an everyday task. It can be as simple as someone making a cup of tea or putting their shoes on. You choose the task, but give me that World Cup feeling. Brilliant. Superb. Alfie, did you understand this one? No.

34:35What? What? How can you not understand that? I have kind of done it Peter Drury style. So you have understood? But I did it as sort of looking back at a moment rather than it happening in real time. What moment did you look back on? Me dropping the curry outside my house. Oh, okay. Oh, no. I'll allow it. It's really poetic. Okay. But it's like, imagine, you know, you know when like, it's kind of like from, it's a bit arty. It's kind of like from my perspective, but it's got the Peter Drury flair on it. And it's like, imagine like, it's like a interview after World Cup and they're like talking about this big moment in the cup.

35:14But this is like my terrible moment. I've gone through too. Have you? Hold on. So you're not commentating, you're being interviewed. I'm just, this is just a monologue. And I actually found this very creative. Yeah. Okay, we'll allow it. It needs some like nice music under it, if that's all right. It's called Anything But A Curry.

35:38Anything but a curry. That's what I'd proclaim to my wife as the stain of the curry and rice lay bare on the pavement. Anything but a curry. I was ready for a meal, so I went for a ready meal. Why is he doing a rap? It's not a rap. Yeah, but this is like Peter Drury does this wordplay. Peter Drury would not do that. He does the wordplay. Can you just be respectful towards... Sorry, music's back on again now. Go on. But why did he choose it in Asda? He should have gone pasta or even a lasagna. Peter, sorry, cut the music again. Sorry. Peter Drury does not write. He doesn't do poems Yeah but this is like My take on it as well It's got to have a bit Do you know Fuck you stupid I've really tried at this He'll piss me off I will not interrupt you again Music's back on Music's back on As a poem Music's off Yeah as a poem I'm enjoying it Doesn't give me A world cup feeling There's no commentary I'm not doing it It's not commentary is it I'm not doing it No you go on No I'm not doing it I thought you were going to go You will never make me do this I put probably Half an hour into this Do it No I'm not doing it I thought you were going to be more like, oh, there he is.

36:52He's grabbing his left shoe. He's sliding it onto his foot. I thought that was boring and I didn't really understand it, so I just started writing a poem. And it turned into a poem by the end of it. We will not interrupt one more time. Just do the whole thing. No, actually. Do the whole thing, Alfie. Stevie, I will sit here in silence for two hours before I read another word of this poem I've done. Because you have embarrassed me. And I I'm fine to sit here in silence the whole time. You've deprived the world of this. He gets the point. Let's hear yours. But his could still be shit. You need to understand the assignment a bit better.

37:28Yeah, I do. That is two in a row. They're not hard to understand. So do you want to hear mine? I'll do one off the cuff after I hear yours. Oh, yes, please do. Okay, cool. Are you just going to use the time I'm doing mine to write another one? I'm just thinking about it. Right. so I think the best commentary is often remembered when it's about the best moments so the Aguero goal and my favourite bit of commentary of all time is when Messi won the World Cup in 2022 and Peter Drury commented on it I often listen to that back so I've rewritten Peter Drury's poetic commentary from when Messi won the World Cup in 2022 to narrate a big moment in your life Stevie the hair transplant okay right that's not dull oh i've won this right so for context the commentary finishes as you take the fight the the the winning penalty and then i go into a monologue about what we've just seen okay right but what's the penalty in terms of a hair transplant well you'll see okay here's stevie with music please feet here's stevie with one final step with the reputation of an entire podcast on the line and yes he's done it british hair clinic stevie white champions his baldness hair again at last and a nation will tingle all night long 16 years since rooney david silver rob holding here finally the nation has a new head of immortals incredible scenes here incredible scenes hair stevie white has conquered his final peak his widow's peak stevie white has shaken hands with paradise paradise being a hair doctor at british air clinic it looks beautiful british hair clinic was the point of difference british hair clinic has always been the point of difference and maybe there will be those who of course mock those who debate if the hair looks crap there will always be those who debate and the debate can range on if rage on if you like but as stevie falls in love with the object in the world that is heart most desired hair it's hard to escape the supposition that that's landed him today the greatest hair transplant of all time the little boy from mile cross that was really good thank you that's peter drury's words just mixed in it's good it's good see he would have lost marks for the changing a previous commentator rather than making his own up but you've made a poem I'm gonna do mine off the cuff oh I'm so excited I've got to fucking lock in now it's gonna be so much worse than anything you've written down what's the everyday task I'll do the curry again oh okay so this is when I moved into my new house and on literally hour one I dropped curry on the street okay I need to visualise being there and I'm going to actually lock in and get this right so much harder than just reading what you wrote can you just sorry you're in my ears sorry I'm your Danny Murphy yeah do you want to just read the poem no I don't want to read the poem I'm going to save that for when there's a poem needed on happy hour and then I won't have to do any prep the next task might be write a poem that would be good I'm really worried about the next task as well so can you so bad okay here comes Indra out of the coarser three bags full there just like oh my god three bags full there but will he be the black sheep of this street

41:23bag looks full of foreign muck much like our beautiful country.

41:32The neighbours were on looking from across the street. They don't look happy. The katsu. Oh, I can't do it. Fuck off, mate. It was a katsu. Wasn't that black sheep line quite good? Yeah, I didn't know you were going there, so I felt like I ruined it, but yeah. No, no, you inspired that. Oh, wow. Oh my God, I've got another one. It's crunch time, like the first bite of a poppadom. Is that good? Yeah. See, look how well you could have written this. I know, I could have really smashed this. You've done a poem.

42:05Then what happened? I dropped the katsu on the floor, didn't I? Something about your cats maybe in there? Yeah, that's so... Will he drop the katsu outside of his house, which is a bit like a cat zoo? I'm cooking. You're still doing rough. Just like I'm about to cook with this curry. Oh, wait. He's missed it. It's slipped out of his hands. It's exploded on the street. It's curry terrorism.

42:36What would happen? It's like an own goal. Yeah. He's lost the street. I don't know. You win. 2-0 to Jack then, is it? Good effort, though. I think. It's all right. Some bits of that. Yeah. I think you would have won that. No, I had the potential. I think you had the potential to win it, and you fucked it. Fucked it. I'm going. How many are we doing of these? Five? Well, we're meant to do seven, but you're going to clean sweep it, aren't you, at this rate? Yeah, I'm going to win. Do I have to win all the... How many do I have to win? Four? Yeah, I have to win four. How worried are you about the next one?

43:10Let me just reread what you did. Well, I'm wondering whether I skip the next one for now, just to try and give you... What's the next one? The Q. No, this is good. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, are you good, Jack? Yeah, mate. I'm good, I'm good. I'm feeling really good. I've gone 2-0 up earlier, so I might just go super, super defensive, play nine down the ball, see how we get on. Okay. Game's gone, mate. Game's gone. The next one, we'll let Alfie go first again. Okay. Since last time you didn't really. Without breaking any laws, I would like you to create the longest queue possible. You can decide where, when, and how you do it.

43:48Okay. I'm going to buy a big box and put it bang in the middle of central London, Leicester Square, right? On the box, I'm going to have a big neon sign, or just any sign, saying, 10 seconds in here will change your life forever. Okay? Yeah. Could be... Okay. When you go in, it's just me in the box. And I've got a briefcase completely full of fake money, but it looked like really real. Yeah. five pound notes right when you go in i say i'll pay you a fiver to come out of this box and just absolutely break down with emotion and go oh my god that's fucking changed my life and tell everyone in the queue that what just happened in there has completely changed your life and it was absolutely amazing and that it was it was just life-changing everyone's going to see that reaction right yeah i've got these i've got 10 000 of these five pound notes fake fake ones they think i've given them a fiver to do this they think that they're making this quick fiver in 10 seconds and everyone just keeps joining the queue and keeps joining the queue do you not think someone who's been queuing in this massive queue for 15 minutes yeah they get to the front and they realize they're just getting a fiver yeah are they not going to come back out That was not worth queuing for.

45:15Because it takes 10 seconds. The queue is just forever snaking. It's just forever going. It's a conveyor belt. So it's not a big queue then. Mate, it's a massive queue. No, it's a massive queue. But what are you defining as a queue? Why is someone going to be that puzzle over a fiver? Because it's not that long, is it? All right, I'll give them fucking 20 of them if they've waited a while. Keep upping the amount I'm giving them. It's all fake money. Yeah, the queue's going to be never-ending. but also if you take into account like it's one queue but also when you add up the total amount of people they're going to be going like a conveyor belt.

45:52What they think they're going to keep looping it and just get another fiver. Yeah. Get another fiver. How are people at the back of this queue going to hear what the motive is? Because they've got to walk back up the queue saying how amazing it was. What if one of the people leave with their fiver what if they try and leave with a fiver and they go oh I'll go and spend that now they go to a shop next to your box try to spend a fiver they go that's fake money they're not going to say it's fake money it only takes one of them to discover that this is fake money no one's going to discover it's fake money so it's the world longest queue but the people at the front aren't going to go and try and spend the fiver next door let's discuss full of shops successfully yeah they're not checking all the fivers are they I'd like to think so they're not checking all the fivers have you ever paid for anything in cash mate people are going to be coming back to this queue and going fucking hell, I'm making another fiver here.

46:42And also, I think Stevie said without breaking any laws, you're printing counterfeit money. I'm not breaking laws. Unless they're breaking laws by buying stuff with counterfeit money. You're giving the counterfeit... You can't have counterfeit money in your possession. Yes, you can. No, you can't. I'm not saying it's real money. Unless it has a sample written on it in big text. You can't have a legit... Well, they're going to know it's fake then, aren't they? On the back? No. And actually, that's a fucking made-up law. You're allowed to give fake money. I see loads of fake money in jail. No, you're not.

47:07You're not. You're allowed to give it... It's not... I'm not buying anything with it. I can just give you a bit of fake money I made. What have you made? You printed it as well. That's illegal. It's going to have to look legit though. I'm going to say, I'll pay you this. I won't say this£5. I'll say, I'll give you this for doing this. You've got fake money on you. It's illegal. It's not illegal. That is literally not... Google it. An all new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks.

47:41But it feels like there are no friendships left in mom talk. You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus. For bundle subscribers, terms apply. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports.

48:26Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Your favorite friend group is back. FX is Adults follows five roommates living in New York, leaning on each other to navigate love, work, friendship, and family, while tackling pressing questions of your 20s like, what if the person who inherited your fake ID is cooler than you ever were? Why does being around your family make you regress into your worst self? And how do you tell your roommates that you have other friends? FX is Adults, all episodes now streaming on Hulu. It is, I'm telling you it is Is it illegal to print fake money?

49:06Is it illegal to Is it illegal to have fake money? I'm telling you it is Because when I was younger I went into Wetherspoons With my uncle Who had fake money on him Because he was trying to do a scam So he bought This is a true story He bought fake money off his mate For half the value of the money He took us to Wetherspoons Gave it to the lady behind the bar She said I know She worked out it was fake And she called the police instantly Yeah because he tried to buy something rather than hide into a park. Yeah, so the people I'm giving the money, they're going to get in trouble. So you're going to get them in trouble.

49:34Yes. Yes, it is illegal to possess, make or pass fake money under the Forgery and Counterfeiting Act 1981. Not in Starmas Britain. It's an offence to hold counterfeit currency. All right, I'll pay them in something else. Counterfeit currency if you know it's fake and intend to use it or simply if you have it without a lawful excuse. I'm on a TV show. Are you? All right, it's real money. oh he's just got fucking 50 grand all of a sudden it's real money oh bollocks that's fine yeah it would have been well i've changed it can i change it yeah real money all right okay cool so your thing is create a huge crew of people i'm paying people to you but the queue yeah it will get to a point where people are going i'm not joining this hour-long queue for a fiver yeah yeah exactly yeah at one point the threshold but how far are you not willing to wait yeah versus humans will decide whether a queue is worth joining 30 minutes I'd wait for a fiver and then I'd just get a portion of chips yeah I'd wait 30 minutes to get a good chippy yeah that's how I'm quantifying it right so with mine so without breaking any laws I would like you to create the longest queue you possibly can now first of all I thought maybe drop Bonnie Blue in the middle of a Wetherspoons let all the fucking men that's effective isn't it Steve Yeah, is that Q?

50:58What's the Q? Well, they'd all Q up, wouldn't they? And she wouldn't mind. You're allowed to say that about her. She loves Qs. Not out of spoons, though. Well, I'm just trying to think where there's a lot of fucking weird sexual men. What, Wetherspoons? Are there sexual men in Wetherspoons? There must be, yeah. In Norwich. Oh, they're her. Yeah, the bell. No, but seriously, right, let's go back to this. Sex sells. Okay. Alfie said he'd give money out. He ain't got 50 grand to give out, So I thought outside the box here. So I think there are a lot of men in this country that are disgusting and desperate and will do anything.

51:37We've seen the rise of OnlyFans. What are you doing, lads? So what I'd actually do is print out loads of flyers, advertising on buses, television, radio, saying that the first 10 ,000 people to ride the London Eye on January the 1st, 2027, will get a free handjob. Wherever they get in it. not from me obviously i'll get who then get fee to do something are you happy with that fee you can right fine so you have to find someone else who's it gonna be

52:15visually jack has just acted out forcefully making fiona wank off another man uh um where are they getting wanks from? So Fee's doing it on the London Eye. I'm thinking, right, because the London Eye can only let, I don't know, what, 100 people on at a time, right? So I need to create a bottleneck. Yeah. So they need to wait, right? So Fee's on there. Sorry, Fee. Fee's on there. Come on, get on like that. Each one. Get on. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I don't mean to be crude, but if we are nitpicking, it's not that quick. What? Jack's only speaking from experience. Are you? Yeah. Okay. Hold on.

52:56Is the London Eye not going around then? Ten minutes per or something. So that really stacks the queue up. That stacks the queue. Yeah, the London Eye's going around. So she'll get the woman I choose. Where's Finn? Who are you choosing? If it's not, you're going to have to... Bonnie Blue. Okay, so she's there. She would love it. Okay, so she's there. Sorry, that was my cat ring doorbell. Yep. So she's there. Bonnie Blue. Bonnie's there. Is she on the London Eye? Sorry. Higher up. Is she on the London Eye? Yeah, she's at the door of the London Eye, welcoming her guests. Oh, so she's not going on the London Eye.

53:35No, she's at the door. She's going, get on. You have to, to get the wank, you have to then take the ride. Oh, so it's when they come off. Yeah. So we put 30 on, bottleneck it up, everyone's queuing up, and then... But is this not in public? No, no, no, because we've got... I would say this is illegal. actually where's the line come on yeah it is you know when you're on a plane and you've got that tube yeah where you walk through to get on the plane we've got one of them two mile long I don't think you're allowed to do this by the London Eye I think that's prostitution I'm making my own London Eye no you can't change it because I could no you can't change it you can't change it that's illegal that's prostitution which is illegal in London illegal in London that's not prostitution it is no one's paying Bonnie Blue she's doing it because she's filming it for her OnlyFans so she's making revenue in her own entrepreneurial entrepreneurial ways.

54:24Google it. Own entrepreneurial ways. Google is it illegal to wank people off under the London eye. Bonnie Blue is a business lady and not a prostitute. I'm saying you are prostituting. I'm not. I'm going Bonnie, imagine how good this content's going to be for your OnlyFans. It'll bang. Literally. I think that's public sex. You're not allowed to do that. We're in a tube. I don't think you're allowed to do this. I don't think you're allowed. Point to me. Okay, so Alfie, you're giving away money. you can't complain no I'm giving away 50 grand by the way I'm giving away fake money then no that's illegal yeah but I'm if I'm not allowed to change the legality is the thing that's ruining him here say it's real money okay yeah it's real money I don't think he complained at the 50 grand when he somehow rented the whole of the London Eye for 10 ,000 people no I didn't rent I didn't need to pay money Bonnie Blue wanked the guy who runs it off who's that?

55:13no we don't need to talk about it Mr London Eye I hope you don't mean that what? I don't know for some reason I don't want to say it. Because it's just, he didn't ask for this. Like, I hope you don't mean the mayor. Khan. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Khan would do it. He would not do it. You don't know, Khan. Jack, don't. Because one day you might want to get a politician on the pod. I'll get him on. What's wrong with that? No, I'm not saying, I'm saying they're not going to want to come on if you say that they're renting out the London Eye for wanks. Thanks. Khan wouldn't want... I'm going to go from...

55:53He's a married man. We're complaining about legalities within the game. Now you're stepping towards potential legal... Yes, stop it. Right, okay. Next one then, 2-1. 2-1. Did I win that? You won that one. Thank you. I'm going to fucking wipe the floor with you. My next one's good. We're doing two more because they're the best of five. Maybe because I forgot to do the last one. Can we not do the piano one? We can rattle it off. All right. Let's do the piano one. Okay, are we ready? I've got a shitty one here as well. Okay. I don't know what... I accidentally left my grand piano in Trafalgar Square and I need it for a show tonight at the O2, which is eight and a half miles away.

56:31Why do you need it at the show? Why do you need a grand piano? You can play the first 15 seconds of Jason Mraz on yours and you're doing a show at the O2, Steve. I was creating a storyline. It's a bit of a fantasy, that. Yeah. This whole thing is a fantasy. Why could it not be of Michael Bublé? Why does it have to be you? Or keyboard? Why has it got to be a grand piano? I didn't say because a keyboard would be fucking easy to transport, Jack. The point of it is the size and the weight. Okay. Mr. Fucking Anal. He's the Argentinian. Need a piano from Trafalgar Square to the O2, eight and a half miles.

57:10You can't use a vehicle or the underground to transport it. How will you get it to me in time? I'll get on the blower. Simple. Bish, bash, bosh. Bosh being the key word Big John What you up to? I need you Down in Trafalgar Square Who else have I got in my phone book? Many people that have been on this brilliant podcast over the years Michael Bisping You can come Need you there Phil Heath Five times Seven times Mr. Olympia Get yourself there Darren Stanton You're a big lad You can help push a piano Get yourself there And me And we'll all push it If that doesn't work I've got a plan B for you Put a sign on it Free to play And all those twats That are in Birch Island I thought I had that.

57:49Right. Thank you. We are twats. Thank you. Such a bad high five. Awful, wasn't it? We did not connect. Yeah, but it's because I got slippy. No, they're dry today. Are they? I can buy my own. I'm not panicking because I'm smashing you under the table. What's wrong with you today? All them twats who pay it for free. You're well sexually charged today. You need to queue for the London Eye. You need to empty yourself. I'm smashing you under the table. That's a phrase. I don't know. Right. Is smashing you under the table? No, it's not a phrase. I'm doing you under the table, bro. No, that's the same thing again.

58:26What's the under the table part? I swear, Google that. Drinking him under the... Drinking you under the table, yeah. Yeah, I'm smashing you under the table. That's different though. That's purely for drinking. Drinking you under the table could have sexual connotations if you think about it. Blowjobs? Come. Drinking.

58:44Very sassy. so yeah just to go back to what i was saying put a free to play on it all them twats that we see in king's cross and birch anger services who try and play the piano publicly will sort of edge it and i'll be there to sort of nudge it in the right direction they'll all rush to it won't they like little vermin rats oh so you're hoping they'll slowly push it but how is the one still in king's cross if they keep pushing it no because that one's locked down i'll put some little wheels on the bottom. Okay. Up at these little waters. Fair enough. There you go. Alfie, how do you compete with that?

59:16Do we already have the grand piano? Or are we sourcing a grand piano? No, you're at Trafalgar Square with the grand piano. Yeah. I've gone like a similar thing. The only way you can do it is push it. But I thought maybe, you know, like them World's Strongest Men thing where they pull the bus along. Yeah. Just have them on rotation. Eddie Hall? Yeah. Tom Stolkman? Around the waist, yeah. Pulling it. I'll be pushing. That's kind of what I've gone for. You've both been really similar. The problem is, Stevie, and this is why I was annoyed at this, because you said no transport, the only way is to push it.

59:51No, you could lift it. The other thing, I said no public transport. Or I'd get 74 white crusty rolls from Sainsbury's, put it on that and roll it. Now we're getting meta. So you've gone world's strongest men. What? It's not meta. that's just you saying the roll thing again

1:00:15you've gone world strongest man and you're pushing it with Darren Stanton Michael Bisping I think all of them guys aren't going to be very good at that you don't think Big John can push a piano I think they're going to get out of breath you've got 8.5 miles to go they need some cardio world strongest man they train for this you don't want normal blokes because you want someone that's trained for this shit. If you think Eddie Hall's pushing a piano more than a mile, you've got another one coming. He's pulling it. Hardest geezer. I'll get Hardest geezer to do it. I'll back him to do that. He could not pull a fucking guitar.

1:00:48He weighs 60 kg. Yeah, he won't be strong enough. He's got the car. He's run a marathon pulling a caravan, you twat. No engine in it. Grand piano's a heavy... The grand piano ain't got an engine in it. Good point. He's changing it again. I'm not. in the Bruno Mars video he pulls that piano doesn't he he's tiny he's my size yeah okay I'm going to have to give the win to Alfie yes what's the score now 2-2 yes Alfie chose the better people you went you had no cardio 8 and a half miles you just want a good final I do want a good final sometimes people run away with games and you've got to do you know what I mean yeah but sadly you chose me I've done ya mate I've done ya it's 2-2 mate you've done me it's because I've gone too defensive too early fucking come at me mate now alright this is a decider yeah come at me good luck to you actually good luck to you bone dry that's how calm I am today bone dry was it bone dry now it's a bit wet because instantly no that must be because I'm holding my water they're kind of not wet that quick do you guys have a preference over the final one yes TED talk do you like that one or did you like one of the others my TED talk is a fucking risk but I am willing to go for it.

1:02:04I really struggle with it and I think it's a risk. So yeah. Ted Talk. I'm good with dinosaurs as well. I've done quite a good one for dinosaurs. Dinosaurs or Ted Talk? I will tell you my dinosaur one but I would not like to My dinosaur's very detailed and my Ted Talk's not but I'm happy with either. Which one are we doing then? Can we please do Ted Talk? Yeah. Okay. You're going to have to tell us the dinosaur one afterwards. I'll do it in the next episode of Taskmaster because I'm sure we'll do this again. If people like it. Yeah. Okay, so this is a question I think people have asked before. I've booked you both to give a one-hour TED Talk tomorrow.

1:02:42You can choose the subject, but it's not allowed to be anything you genuinely know things about. Explain your preparation for the TED Talk. So you've got to know nothing about it, but you've got to try and wing it in the best way possible. Yeah. And you've got 24 hours to prepare and try and learn about it. Well, I've gone down the route, right, of I am not good at retaining information. Okay. I'm not going to be able to learn anything about a topic. But what I have done is I've just finished Sopranos. Okay. So I would go down the route of I was in the Mafia. Ah. And I've reformed now and I'm out.

1:03:19And this is my TED talk about how not to make the same mistakes I did. So you're doing like a Michael Francis TED talk. Yeah. Yeah, Michael Francis. The difference there, though, was actually a genuine Mafia mob. Yeah, he was actually in it. So give us an idea of what kind of things you'd be talking about. Yeah, ask him a question that an audience member might ask in a Q &A. Have you ever killed anyone? Hey, listen, wise guy. Yeah, I've been around the block a few times, you know. They never admit that they've killed people, you know that. He hasn't said it yet. He just said, yeah. No, he said he's been around the block a few times.

1:03:54Right, he did say something. Hey, read into this what you will. I've been around a long time. I seen a lot of shit But I ain't gonna say anything That's gonna get me in any more trouble Than I already have been Okay So you gotta respect that Okay There's a guy I watch on TikTok Called Harry Who's obsessed with dinosaurs You sound a bit like him Okay Is he from the Mafia? He's not from the Mafia No he's a really cute bloke Okay So am I Now Were you ever caught for any of your crimes? Hell yeah I got caught. Yeah. You sound like... You get caught. Can you tell this wise guy to stop interrupting and kick him out of the building, please, before I do something I regret.

1:04:40You should be able to do it. Pussy you were in the fucking mafia, weren't you? Hey, listen, wise guy. 20 years ago, I'd fucking pop you for that shit. You're lucky I'm out. The way he said pop you, I believe that he was involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, good. So what's the worst crime you did? Again I ain't gonna say anything That's gonna get me locked up You trying to get me locked up? No the worst crime you were caught for So they already know Mulder

1:05:13Mulder Mulder He sounds like a fucking kindergarten kid Mulder Question one you said you're not gonna tell us if you've killed anyone Mulder question one you said you're not going to tell us if you killed anyone question two you've gone yeah i went down for murder i went down for moida moida what the fuck okay i'm not how are you going to do an hour of this what else are you going to talk about in it just my upbringing what led me this podcast it's my upbringing what no no i do a bit like my upbringing what led me to the... What was your upbringing? My upbringing. The W instead of the R is so good.

1:05:57He sounds like a kid. He sounds like a child. My father was a tough guy. Okay, we're getting better. He used to play baseball. And you know, he was a good guy. Then what he'd done would get by. But he was not a... He was a strict guy. He was a tough guy. And he left us in the dirt. And I had to learn how to film for myself For myself And yeah, you know, I fell into A gang run by Polly Taglione Oh, you're actually doing their actual names Sopranos Mental That's not anyone's name For the fucking Sopranos Loads of people are called Polly Right, but you're going for one of the most Did I say Polly?

1:06:46I meant Petey I meant Petey Petey Taglianoli He's changed the surname And he took me under his wing He was like a father to me Okay no good I will say Although I don't think he'd do well in a TED talk The voice makes me want him to win He can have the fucking point You have an uphill battle here Jack He can have the point It's nowhere near as good as anything I've done I've just said right Like, he's going based off the idea that people in the UK don't understand mafias. Yeah. So he can blend in. I'm thinking, what does, mine can go universal. Okay. And what do we not know about as a species of humans?

1:07:28And I think the deep sea. Okay. I think 95 % of the ocean, give or take, is unexplored. And of that 5 % that we have explored, how many humans explored it themselves? Not many. So I think it's a very minute group of people. Okay. I understand when you talk about the deep sea. So I would just get up there and I would just waffle on about some fish, some brand new fish. I've made four up for you, if you want. Yeah, I do. Just to show you how easy it is to make some believable types of fish up. Yeah. I thought, right, who are four people that I know? What's four? Yeah. He's going to offend us in the form of a fish.

1:08:08You're going to offend us in the form of a fish. Well, I've done me as well, if that makes sense. So there's a genuine fish called a fang tooth. Okay. So have you ever heard of the long tooth? Bright orange. Okay. Sleeps with 100 female fish a day. Right, that's not the name that is. There's a fish called a black swallower. Genuinely, because I would not make that as just too close to the bone. Literally. There is a fish called a black swallower. But did you know there's a new species of swallower called the white swallower? Okay. Right? Not sure what a fish that's based on. There's the new Nox eel.

1:08:45Okay. But unlike every other species of eel in existence, this eel's a predator. Okay? To what? What's its prey? Little, smaller eels. And women in their 20s. We all know about the long... We all know about the longfin alpha fish, right? But have you heard of the short-skinned beta fish? No. What's that one like? Not based on any one in particular. But these are real. Well, does that... Tell us more. What is that one? What, the short-skinned beta fish? Yeah, what have you seen them doing? What have you observed? Tiny little fish. Yeah. It's really small, that. Yeah, tiny, tiny little fish. Comically small.

1:09:26Tiny little fish. But even still, its reproductive organs aren't to scale. Really? Really? How small? A little dot. Really? What have you observed them doing in the deep sea? Oh, the little short-skinned beta fish. Not much. Don't do anything, really. Really? No. What about the... Weird, you'd bring that to the talk just to say it's got a small cock. I'm just going, this is one of the... Yeah, but it's weird, isn't it? Why choose that one just to say it's got a small cock? It's one of the most boring fish you'll ever see. Yeah, but that's why... I just don't think that's very engaging. Do fish have cocks?

1:10:01Sir? Great question. Answer it. You don't need to call me sir. I'm just an aquarium biologist. alright so leave it there only in the aquarium call me call me Jack for that is my name okay Jack yeah I forgot what the question was ask me any question about anything in the deep sea and I'll sort you out okay how did you manage to see more than what other people have seen before now what a brilliant question from that audience member my father took me down

1:10:38oh my god they're both so shit I thought you were going to say that's both amazing this episode's been fucking brilliant because of us being genius oh my god what have you done this fucking episode mate what have you fucking done they're both good for comedy right brilliant both shit Ted Talks though aren't they as soon as I've given you one question I was engaged I liked that I liked that I would tune into that I threw it away for a bit of comedy at the end there, I'll be honest. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Good for the episode. Bad for the task. I give him the point. He's been a whinge in the world.

1:11:12He has, I have. Yeah, Alfie, you get the point. Well done, mate. Don't whinge about whinging. You got the point. You got the point, mate. Don't win it. 3-2. Can I have it? Yeah. Okay, Jack wins 3-2. Yeah, first ever episode. 40 fucking won. That's rigged. Alfie, you actually won. Thank you. Oh, I don't know who won. I enjoyed that, though. That was good. That was good. Good fun. Good questions. So you're not going to do the dinosaur one next time? I'll do it in the second episode of Taskmaster whenever we do that. We have a few open strands at the moment, by the way. I know we have our ongoing series, Alfie's Amazing Individuals.

1:11:45You're doing your Urban Legends World Cup of Everything. It's been ages, yeah. Yeah, but we also do have like, we have the World Cup of Everything that we're still doing. We have a few little things open here and there, so we might need to close some in the... But we often worry that when we go back to something, people are going to go, oh, they're running out of ideas. No, our whole point of ever starting these strands were to do a series of them. Yeah, we like it. So please no shit when we go back to Stevie's Urban Legends of Everything or Alfie's individual. That will be shit. I accept the shit on that one.

1:12:15Right, it's been Jackmates Happy Hour with me, Jackmates, Stevie White and Alfie Indra and we will see you soon. That was Mask-taster. What was it again? Mask-taster? Mask-taster. Mask-taster. Just say master of tasks. A very innovative idea. And Alfie won. Well done, Alfie. Cheers. That was fun. That was really funny. Yeah. Yeah, that voice. That voice was so good.

1:12:44Jack Mate's happy hour. An all-new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks, but it feels like there are no friendships left in MomTalk. You act like you're better than everyone. You're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu original series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT.

1:13:20Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.