681 - Jamie Hutchinson Gives Hilarious Answers To YOUR Life Problems

27:49I never used to have butter on my toast. You'd have plain toast? Dry toast, yeah. That's weird. About 10 years ago, I got into it in a big way and now I put loads on my toast and now I dip it in my coffee, don't I? See, that's weird. Do you think that's weird? Do you know what? I don't dip, but do you know what I do? Which maybe is weird. You don't pour? I, no. I can't imagine that. Five kids as you. I store toast in one side of my mouth like a little squirrel. and then pour the drink in. So I still get soggy toast, but without the thought of seeing soggy toast. Now give it a dip at some point.

28:24I don't think I can lean myself to it. I do it with like McDonald's fries and milkshakes as well. A lot of people do that, don't they? Fries and milkshake and strawberries. No, I've never done it. So good. I don't want to see it. I just want to feel it in my jowls. I like that he started that with something that might be weirder. That is weirder. Yeah, that's weird. Than dipping. Yeah. Yeah, because I have my toes quite burnt. It's like just before it burns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then so... Put it in with the idea of being ruined. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then I sort of like dip it in, scoop it.

28:57So it's like a little puddle of coffee on there. Mate, it's banging, Troy. Is it? Yeah. But you're getting that same texture without dipping it in and getting crumbs in your drink. Yeah, true. But then when you drink the coffee at the end, it's got butter in it and it's banging. Yeah, but are they not crumbs as well, though? Is that not gross at the bottom? Yeah, but you've already got crumbs in your mouth anyway. gritty yeah i like a bit of gritty have you ever had sugar on toast no i know people do do this i think it's just a bit fucking mad that isn't it it was a big i don't know why it was such a big thing when i was a kid but it was lovely i haven't done it for years yeah i remember like brown sauce butties and tomato sauce butties maybe yeah i couldn't do that yeah couldn't do it not didn't go full sugar no um yeah so eat around your mold as well i couldn't do that could you not can you Will that make you ill if you do that?

29:44No, there's only affected parts, isn't there? Do you know what I mean? Just because you've got cancer in the lung doesn't mean you can't shag. Yep. As Confucius was still. On to the next. Trying to work that out still. Makes sense. That first guy is going to think, fuck, you know, I'm not shagging. He's going to have to go get a check-up. Yeah, go and check Finn vs. Internet out. I matched with a guy on Tinder a few months ago. We vibed well, but never got the chance to meet because I was travelling, and then he went travelling for three months. On his last few weeks of travelling, we were texting every day and planning what we do on our first date.

30:24But since he's been back, the replies have been slower and way shorter. Does he actually like me, or just the idea of me, and should I be the one to initiate planning a date? No, he's knee-deep in travel, cunt. I'm afraid.

30:40he's sold his wild oats because he's only texting you when he's horny unfortunately, I hate to be the bearer of bad news depends where he's travelling though he's had post nut clarita as the youth like to say but he's probably in Thai brasses now and who cares about you really so I think move on I have a make a plan and move on but he is only texting you when he's horny and you deserve more than that so get back on the apps and why not just you're well travelled you're clearly confident if you go travelling I think you're worldly she could get travel dick she could get travel dick yeah she could get travel dick she's a Venus fly trap for travel dick

31:25like a flame the moth coming in like to a flame of travel dick but I think you should go out socially rather than the dates I think you've got stories to tell yeah And I think you're better than the apps. So get out there. Have you ever had a holiday romance? Yeah, I had that one we talked about, didn't we? What was that? Last time. What was that? The seven-year-old. What? The seven-year-old. When he was a kid. Oh. When he was a kid, yeah. I can't remember. And I wrote a letter to her dad to ask permission if I can ask her to dance with me. But you wouldn't do that to your girlfriend's dad? I was nine then.

32:00I thought that was the done thing, wasn't it? Wouldn't you write a letter to your girlfriend's dad? Don't worry, mate. Absolutely no John's love. I'd sneak it in through like DIY instructions I was like we need a second coat and I went yeah I love your daughter does she want to get married no I don't think so no I'd prefer going on holiday and that yeah you can do both don't you no not really plus I don't like arranging things for my birthday it's your fault if everything goes wrong yeah it's just loads of admin yeah and then if you go oh yeah but a wedding just for you why don't you get married on a nice tuscan beach but then you have like second curtains wind in i just want peace i just want to sit down yeah okay fair enough so to this uh lady here um i'd i think because she's so well traveled i i'd i'd go out and meet someone i think you're better than the catch you think you are in having to be stuck on the app so don't wait around for some loser who's only giving you a half hour supplies bin him off and realize you're the queen like you are clap on himself unless you are a fat tramp then obviously get back on then we know some mouldy butter you can have yeah you disgusting pig woman red or black oh oh I've been stung so many times I like this is the one he's thinking about the most yeah well I mean, I've been trapped before, haven't I?

33:37Because I spunked that much on Black 15. The creepy ace called me R. Kelly by the end of me. So I'd probably go towards red now. Okay. Would you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always go black. Black 13's my number. Fuck yeah, that was disgusting. What? I thought R. Kelly was bad. What? No, no, no. At 36? Oh, I only go for legal numbers, yeah, yeah. Do you? Yeah, yeah. You can't say 30 seconds. That's red, though. Oh, yeah, I know. I go, but I've got a few numbers. Red 27. Oh, you're in a bad area. Six. What's wrong with that? Yeah. Bad area, that. It's a hoary area, that. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your area?

34:19Mine's like 15, 32, 0, 26, 3, 35, 12. Can you do the whole... Probably could, yeah. Can I get one of them and see? This would be fucking amazing. When I was going through the listener submissions, I saw Red or Black and I was like, is it worth putting in the not even really ask for advice? But if you are listening and you now go for Red because of Jamie, let us know if you win. Jamie, if you can do this, this will be the greatest clip ever on the internet. I don't know if I can't play it in so long. We'll start at zero. Yeah, zero goes to... And do you want to go clockwise? I don't know what that means.

35:03that's like port and starboard we've got left and right for reason okay we're looking at zero we're going right we're going right right so it's zero right i'll go i'll go this way right okay we're going left yeah yeah we'll go this way so it's zero 26 3 already great 35 12 5, 12 it's like Rain Man then is it there's 28, 7, 29 yeah then there's 29 I'll be here all fucking day doing this there's 29 is it 18, 22 yes

35:52fucking hell alright 22 that's usually where let me go the other way around well we're a quarter of the way through the wheel let me try the other way then the other way would be 0 32 15, 19, 4, 21 2, 25 2, 25

36:20You're almost halfway through the wheel I'm trying to think what's after 22 There's something in between It's not 16 16 It could be 1, 2, 16 5 5 Where are we? No, no, no One second Are you looking back at 22 Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah 25 red on the right. 25 red is next to I think it's 6 or 17. 17. 17. 34. 6. Yeah. That's over half the board you've done. Now you're in my area. 34. 6. 6. 6. 6. You told Jack this exact segment a second ago when he told you what he was going for. Yes. 36. So six, then you're down to the red. Yeah, six next to six is... 27? Yep. Oh, this is amazing. 27. Right, so stop at 27 because...

37:31You're over halfway. 10, 23. Eight, it goes... There's eight, 10, 23. 30, 11. and then there's 16, 21 and 5

37:52So what part of the board are we looking at at the moment? Are you back over on the other side? I'm looking at that tooth there, that arch there Okay, so you're at the bottom segment so you've skipped a couple to get to it Yeah, so 23's the centre of that arch Yeah, red 23's there Yeah, we've got 23 there We've got 8 and 10 on either side of that You have? Yeah then we've got next to eight is five yeah oh no next to ten is five next to ten is five five and then we've got one twenty sixteen together yeah a little three one and twenty are together one and twenty are together yeah and you're missing one between sixteen because one and sixteen are red yeah yeah one twenty one sixteen so twenty one yeah Yeah.

38:39Ah, black numbers. Big black numbers on my ass. You're pretty free! It is pretty free. I think you're only missing about six. Yeah. So what you're missing at the moment, you've got to black six. Oh yeah. So you're only missing - You did 27, 13. And you went to eight. So you're missing, yo you said 27, 13. So you've only got three numbers missing between 13 and 8. Red, black, red. 13 and 8. Red, black, red. Yeah. Is it 30, 11, 36? It is 30, 11, 36. Hold on. We've got last four, I believe. Four over on this side. Oh no, three, because you've got black 22. So between black 22 and black 20, which you said, red, black, red again.

39:34Last three. For the full wheel. it's 9 or 18 so you said 18 yeah it's 9 yeah 9 2 numbers left 1's 1 1's before 20 yeah and you got the 2 between 20 and 9 what's in between 20 and 9 16 no you said that oh last 2 so 20's black nine's red. 20 is nine. Oh, eat round the buttock. So we've got 20 black, red something, black something. It's a middle red and a high black.

40:24Oh my God. 14. Yeah? Yeah. And what's the black? Final black. 14. 31. Oh my god I've not played in years at all Even worse So much worse Fucking hell He just remembered the whole roulette board God Clip that Sam That's fucking unbelievable That is insane Yeah I forgot what we're even doing Red or black That was so enthralling for me Yeah red or black I was just trying to Because I'm so blind to half the wheel Yeah I have numbers that are like death numbers, so you know where they are, but there's some numbers that are so insignificant to me, I'm like, I don't even really count them, to be honest.

41:09No, that was impressive. Yeah. Impressive. Back in the day, I would have got that with no pauses, I think. But you're a red man now. I'm a numbers man. I don't really go between red or black, because we're all the same underneath our skin. Okay, next one, Stevie. Would you rather fight one Luke Pingu or a hundred duck-sized Luke Pingu? Oh, I couldn't hit Mr. Luke Bingu. He's just too... He's sweet, isn't he? Too little squeezable, isn't he? How did you do on the Christmas one recently? I did all right. Luke Bingu does a Christmas... Not a Christmas... Well-cut one. Well-cut one. Sorry, sorry. Well-cut one.

41:48I did all right. I think I was after you and you... Do you have a bad one this time? Yeah. I was the first step. Yeah. And I think I finished second from bottom. Robbie Knox finished bottom and I finished second from bottom. We recorded for like an hour and 15 and they went, I've not pressed record. Fuck off. So I had to do it again. Different questions. Right. I had to do it again the next day. I was like, fucking hell, Pingu. What, you didn't press record? No, we didn't. Oh, Pingu, that's amateur hour, that. Wow. But I could never hit Pingu, man. So I'd just volley a thousand duck Pingu's because I'd like, fucking hell, Pingu's been shagging geese again.

42:26Again. so I'll just volley them into the sea I've got a more serious one for you that you could actually give some real advice on here I really want to try stand up I really want to try but I've consistently bottled out of open mic gigs for over a year now I have my first five minutes written in fact I have three lots of five minutes written now just because it's taken me so long to build up the courage I'm confident in all walks of life but the thought of turning up and doing five minutes makes me want to kill myself and that's not walla walla. No, it's not walla walla. What can I do, Jamie? Be as horrible as possible.

43:03No, no, it won't be horrible. What you need to do, well, what I do, I mean, I guess the landscape's kind of changing a bit, but at proper grassroots level, what I did is, because I was similar, I was like really nervous about starting. I started at 23, but I wanted to start much younger, 16, 17, I had ideas of starting. I googled open mics Manchester, so just do whatever major city you're from. Go and watch, I watched the first week, because I thought, because I'd never been to live stand-up in that sort of sense. I assumed everyone would be like, Jason Manford level, Kevin Bridges level, you know, that sort of, the TV ready straight away.

43:45Yeah, yeah. And I turned up and it was just loads of fat goths. Oh, right. Oh, right, this is. You're in suit. This is my people, yeah. So ultimately, it sounds a bit of a get out, but it's ultimately just doing it. But I'd go and watch first, just see how people act. And then once you do that first five minutes, it's never as bad as you think, obviously. It's not like going on a roller coaster. The anxiety is there, but you're ultimately going to have a good experience at the end. Have you ever done a real shit gig? Have I ever done a real shit gig? Absolutely bathing shit gig. I had gone a couple of years, like 18 months ago.

44:24so when I was like quite like been on tour and everything so I got my audience and all that and I filled someone I filled in for someone called Fiona Allen who was off Smack the Pony who's brilliant but it's a very different audience do you know what I mean they're smart and I had to fill in for someone and I did Harrogate Theatre and I have a routine where I suck the mic stand off but politically I'm holding a mirror up to society and they just left row by row. I'm sucking that. How do you push through that? They just left. I weren't finishing until he'd come. So I just, I went, I'm not, I'm not breaking.

45:06They left and I walked off stage and the MC was like, like waiting to come on. I went, nah, I've finished mate. He went, oh, he went, Jamie Hutchinson, everyone. Got booed off. staff told me to wait in the green room because people were like waiting for me outside and what not to what have a go yeah but it was in Arrogate do you know what I mean I'd knock half a van a go I'm not a fighter but do you know what I mean you're a little posh 80 year old Tories so I had to stay behind in that and then the next day someone messaged me checking on my mental app

45:43and that's 12 years in the game so it's going to happen and it'd be interesting to see what you're actually worried about. Yeah. Like, because dying's a part of it. Dying's like a badge of honor, not a badge of honor, but like a rite of passage sort of thing. You've got to kind of go through these. You get the battle scars from it, don't you? Yeah, the battle scars makes you a better comic. If you go through live just cherry-picking nice gigs, you're never going to learn as a comic. Yeah. So I just get down, come and watch, chat to a couple of the comics, have a pint with them and that, and then just get down.

46:14It's actually, I think anyway, maybe I was just fortunate I think grassroots comedy is a really supportive community it's when you're two or three years in it starts to get fucking snakes in a fucking pit but when you first start out it's quite supportive and communal do you get a lot of support from like the big big comedians or not yeah I mean everyone I've worked with is kind of like cool and of light I mean I've not had a bad experience with a massive named comic and stuff right I have them at all the big comics I've worked with as my tour poster quotes like people do like best I've ever seen or Ricky Gervais or whatever I had Rommel, Strang and Nathan what you got the train here?

46:58Jack Whitehall sorry I can't stay mate have a good one Jason Manford do you play paddle? they were my big funny but yeah seriously just get to open mic night go and do a gig go and watch some professional stand up and I don't mean like go to an arena and watch like Mickey Flanagan and Michael McIntyre or whoever it may be I mean Goldsack there's in your area there'll be a comedy night above a pub with a pro line up and you'll see like the circuit headliners and then you'll you kind of get an idea of a gauge of what you need to do and how to write and stuff so just immerse yourself in it best you can love it good advice nice advice good advice your favourite friend group is back FX's Adults follows five roommates living in New York leaning on each other to navigate love work friendship and family while tackling pressing questions of your 20s like, what if the person who inherited your fake ID is cooler than you ever were?

47:54Why does being around your family make you regress into your worst self? And how do you tell your roommates that you have other friends? FX is adults. All episodes now streaming on Hulu. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.

48:36Hiya lads, I'm Jamie. me i'm a guy and i have a female co-worker who keeps flirting with me even though she's very much aware i'm in a long-term relationship she keeps calling me gorgeous touching my arm in conversation can stevie please demonstrate with jack what you may imagine this to look like that's an add-on wasn't it gorgeous thank you thank you that came from the cell and she tells her other co-workers that she adores me i don't know how to feel about it it for sure is complimentary but i do not enjoy being objectified i've been hiding in a forest near my work during my lunch breaks to avoid this

49:18please please help me fend off this woman's advances if it helps at all she has a phobia of clowns you've answered your question there aren't you start doing some clown things i've like a big handkerchief sorry smell this flower yeah I had I was sexually assaulted at work once like woman crappy by the balls and the bookies did she yeah somebody worked there yeah big fucking goalie hands as well she went oh we're having fun at this work stu tonight oh what I went okay let me go so if you don't stop it now it gets out of hand because I used to get all the gorgeous and the Did you? Shoulder rubs and all that.

50:01From the same woman? From the same woman, yeah. Did you ever report her? No, I'm not going to grass her up, am I?

50:10Don't be a grass. Just put her off in a different way, start stinking a bit. How did you end up with yours? I got sacked, so I got out of it before she had a wicked way with me. So if you don't want to start doing the clown stuff, get sacked. Yeah, just rob stuff. But why not just embrace it a little bit? I think because he's in a relationship, though, it starts getting into that, you know, oh, my work husband, oh, my work wife, they're fucking dangerous people, them. Them people who initiate, hi, work wife, he has been masturbating over you for years and years and years, and he's trying to slowly, slowly, slowly, oh, what, he didn't cook your tea last night?

50:52Oh, he's a bastard, I'd cook your tea every night. They're little lizards. So you want to get out of that now. But I'd do it politely. Maybe mention your long-term partner in conversation a lot more. That's a good idea. Really reinforce the strength of your relationship. Yeah. Say you've been rimming at Scrabble and all sorts going on. What is it with rim? Are you a rimmer? I'd go in, yeah, at first. As long as you've not washed. What? Fuck me. Come on. I'm not doing any lemon and herb shit, mate. Get this extra spicy on the go. What a lived-in body. Not a massive fan of hygiene in sex. No? No, I like the grotty animalistic sort of stuff.

51:41What do you like about it? It just feels more natural and human. Do you know what I mean? I don't want lotions and that. No. Yeah, I want stains. What's the smell like? What? Beef. fucking hell

51:59reinforce reinforce the same for your relation really pick your girlfriend up and maybe not sort of like slightly negger oh you've got a big grip haven't you you've got a welder's grip right put her down a bit yeah put her down a bit knock her down she might like that though she might think he's playing hard to get yeah emotional abuse I'd go down Write that down. Send that back. Emotional abuse. There we go. Right, next one. You're smashing this. Yeah, it's fun. Life advice. I think you'll like this one. Me and my girlfriend are kinky, and she's up for most things sexually. She's been a dog for me before, and I've been a wizard and shit.

52:42Proper weird sex stuff, but good fun, to be fair. Yeah. We've shagged to all sorts too, like niche, bondage, porn, and dominatrix stuff. However, I have a fetish of shagging her while she pretends to be her mum, as I've always fancied her mum quite a bit, to be fair, but I don't know if she will be keen for that one at all. How can I ask her if she'd be keen to roleplay as her own mum without sounding weird? Jamie seems perfect guy to ask. Yeah, yeah. The problem is I do it with my own mum. Who are you asking her to be? No, I'm asking my girlfriend to be my mum. The worst one I've dated is ask my girlfriend to be me, and so I wanted to fuck myself.

53:19You actually did that? how do you approach that it was just split more than I did I'd love to fuck because she's a lot more attractive than me objectively speaking I just thought I wonder what it's like to fuck me and I'd got to dress up in some of my clothes put a tracksuit on and then she's got a cap on and she had to go oh I'm sick of podcasting me and then I'd be like oh no way how was it It was funny. It was funny. Can I ask what her suggestions were before you said that? We've always sort of like just played. We don't take it too seriously. It's just a laugh, to be honest. So with this guy, maybe you could do it like, have you ever seen Single White Female?

54:07No. Single White Female's mint. It's where the woman gradually becomes the woman. So she starts like, oh, I've got the same lipstick as you. they're friends but she's obsessed with her friend and then she tries to like clone herself, she's so obsessed with her friend she'll say oh we've got the same lipstick on that's weird, have you got this dress? just do that but with the mum do you know what I mean? try and dress her like a mum but without her knowing oh sorry so he wants yeah he doesn't want to shag the mum no he wants his girlfriend to pretend to be the girlfriend's mum so he's saying start buying her things I think you can go there in your mind without her necessarily having to really conflict herself and have to be her mum getting fucked by a fella.

54:56So I think if you just go there in your mind, don't say it to her, though. Just be in your mind. Never mention it. Never mention it. Never say, oh, she's wiping jizz off her face. I'm sending you as your mum there, by the way.

55:15no good advice again yeah okay this is a strange one yeah i'm a 30 year old male who's been in a in relatively good shape his whole life i met my wife when i was in university and we both started dating for seven years before i proposed to her she's my best friend and my rock recently i've noticed that she's had a change in attitude. Like she's such a loving and caring person and we're both doing well for work so it's a dream honestly. It pains me to write this but over the past few months something changed in her. She looks at me with these hungry predator eyes. She keeps getting me to eat these disgusting unhealthy foods and she has a temper tantrum if I refuse.

55:56She says that she cooked them from the bottom of her heart for me and she gets upset if I don't eat it. I get what she means to an extent. I love cooking, it's something that we bond over and I know it hurts if someone doesn't eat the food that you've made them with love. But the last few days, for example, she made me a chocolate sponge cake for breakfast. Yes. What a woman. She forced me to eat it all in one sitting. And she'd tell me things like, the bigger they are, the more to love. Or you'll be plump and fat and soon ready to go into the oven. What? I'm getting concerned. Please can you help me?

56:35You're not the witch in Ansel and Gretel? I love this woman. She's my everything and I don't know what to do. I think my wife's trying to eat me. Well, he said she's a rock. I think she's a dead weight.

56:51And she's not respecting your boundaries. She's ultimately not respecting your boundaries. Do you know what I mean? And she's trying to emotionally blackmail you as well. I don't care if your fat hands has made me a sponge cake. I want to eat porridge. I'm going for a run. Do you know what I mean? maybe she thinks she's out of his league so she like she might not be body confident herself so she's going if we fatten him up a bit he won't leave me yeah i'd do that with los sneak butter in her mouth while she's sleeping so much fire in this episode so much butter uh you have to have a word of her you say you just say really without any body coddling you are overstepping my boundary here I look after my body my body's a temple it's not my fault you're a fat mess leave me alone very to the point there very to the point I think it works don't say the last bit she sounds like my dream no it sounds like a dream but that's like what having a chocolate sponge cake for brekkie the reality of it is it wouldn't last it wouldn't last it's like a fun novelty for a weekend maybe it's like living in fancy dress for the rest of your life it's like whoa no way I get to be spied around the rest of your life I want to be spied around the rest of your life good point okay next one Stevie I want to watch my wife masturbate as part of foreplay I'm pretty sure she'd like that as well but I have a bit of a self esteem issue where I judge her enjoying that as a mark against my sexual ability even if that isn't accurate how do I get over this and just take the plunge without it making me feel inadequate make sure she maintains eye contact Okay, well, because if she's closing her eyes, she's thinking about that.

58:32Yeah, she's thinking of, like, Pedro Pascal or whatever. Her work husband. Yeah, her work husband, yeah. Make sure, maintain eye contact, do not blink until you come. All this is over. This sounds... So he likes what he doesn't like. He wants to watch her play with herself, but he's worried if she seems to be enjoying that, he's thinking, oh, I can't make her into it like she is. You know, when like you've finished and then you hear a slight hum in the back and you convince yourself, no, it's the electrics. And you look over and she's got exorcist eyes. You're like, oh, maybe I didn't hit the mark there.

59:17So I understand hypothetically where he's come from, what some friends have told me. But yeah, sometimes you go at the door. in your bedroom, do you know what I mean? You've got to leave your ego at the door in the bedroom, we're all adults. But if you want to watch the masturbation thing, like the voyeurism thing, why don't you hide in a cupboard? Because then you can't really see what's going on. You'd have to time it right, though, wouldn't you? No, no, it's consensually. Oh, right. You're like, I'm going to be hiding in this cupboard, right? But then she'll take herself off to her mind and she's fucking, you know, whoever her celebrity crush is, or whoever it is, a friend from work or whatever.

59:58But in your mind, while you're watching that, you're sort of, you'd say to yourself, she doesn't know I'm here, therefore she doesn't feel the need to pleasure me. She's doing it passively. Right, right. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, but then I think in this bloke's ego, that'll be worse because he'll then be - No, but he's got the power back. Yeah. The reason why his ego will be hurt, because he's lost the power. He's lost the power of making the come. Now he's reclaimed the power by watching her against her will in inverted commas. Oh, okay. It is consensual, but you're pretending it's against her will.

1:00:32Fucking hell, you're good, aren't you? So everything in life is about sex, apart from sex, which is about power. Four. You are. That was Gandhi, that. Yeah. Yeah, he was an arny cunt. Why don't they get one of them sex toys where it's like he controls the sex toy? Yeah. Yeah, that works. Similar, isn't it? He's still kind of doing it in a way. Or just take the batteries out of one and then just give it to her every now and then. The batteries. What? Don't know. How's that going to work? Because he's got the power. He's literally got the power. I'm not a sex guy, mate. I'm not a sex guy. Let's leave the shagging of Jamie.

1:01:15I did a comment. I did a comment. I don't want you to miss this. Have a bit of solo time. Okay. I'm trying desperately to subtly look like a wizard boring people have become too comfortable approaching me do you have any ideas on how to do this from a guy in the woods what another guy in the woods I didn't know if this was a reference to something with you what's that

1:01:41well the thing is with wizardry what is that a good sentence the thing is with wizardry I'm glad you brought that up. And in the woods. The thing is, with wizardry is, surely the art of wizardry is that you don't have to be subtle. So maybe be ostentatious and let the world catch up to you. That is brilliant. We do. So can you explain that to me? He wants to be a wizard. He wants to look like a wizard so people leave him alone. He's saying boring people are happy to have conversations with him and he's like, everyone leave me alone. where he thinks if he looks like a wizard, people are going to be, I'm not going to do that.

1:02:21I think that's the opposite. I think if I was, say we're at a festival this weekend, if I saw someone looking like a wizard, they'd be more approachable. But that's a normal place. If you were just in Tesco and someone was dressed as a wizard, you would probably be going to Fee. I'd talk about him, which is not what this guy wants. No, he doesn't. I don't think he cares if people talk about him. He doesn't want people talking to him. He wants to not look approachable. Get a skin fade then and just blend in with everyone else. Get like a skin fade, wear just standard Carhartt t-shirt. you'll blend in I think he wants to be unique though unique and left alone so I think wizards are fair enough shout is it?

1:02:55yeah a terrorist as a maybe go terrorist go terrorist that's one way to yeah isn't it? okay so we're telling our listeners to become a terrorist eat round the mould be a terrorist no I think go to be a wizard but don't don't worry about subtlety you're a fucking wizard mate you'd be a wizard like you deserve to be should we do one more? okay give us a good one I can't believe how many people you would have helped today honestly it's changing lives yeah I'm tearing up over it changing lives Jamie this one's specifically about you as well oh okay hi lads long time happy hour listener first time emailer in her I find Jamie hi Jamie hilarious thank you very much he could sneeze and I'd giggle but my girlfriend fiance finds him repulsive yeah that's really shut you down a bit she hates when i listen to james no there is more i thought it ended with repulsive i was just the tip of the eyes that's just feedback that one she she hates when i listen to jamie's pod or him on happy hour or even his clips she'll leave the room is there any advice on how I can win her round I only really watch content in bed at home and she's always with me so any advice would be appreciated leave that bitch no you don't need to win a round because I don't I don't want her as a fan do you know what I mean I'm not going out like I want you I want you the people who get me get me and that's beautiful and it's a good sign your girlfriends have sound mind I'd be worried if your girlfriend said my girlfriend loves you I'd find you ripples Yeah.

1:04:44I think that's a bit weird. So she's clearly got things going on. Stay with that girl. Get on one knee and marry her. And ultimately, relationships are about compromise. Do you know what I mean? You might have to go to her in-laws that you don't like and you do it for her. So let him listen to me in bed, you selfish bitch. Can I suggest headphones? Well, if he's got on the telly, though. Oh, music cozy. Huh? What? Oh, you're on about the sleep mask. The music cozy. Oh my God. Get on music clothes. They're the thick ones. What's this? There's a thin one, which doesn't, it's still a bit uncomfortable.

1:05:20There's a real thick one. It's a headband, Bluetooth, and so you can, you can still sleep. It's a sleep mask, but it's got a tiny little speaker in one of the ear things. But it doesn't, it's not uncomfortable in your ear. Yeah. Okay. So you fall asleep with it on? Yeah. Fall asleep with that on, yeah, yeah, yeah. I bought one for festivals and then you can connect rain noise on YouTube and sleep. Is it good? It's really good. Yeah, it's really good. The best thing ever. So we could do that, but that's how you can listen to Jamie. Yeah. But if he's watching Jamie on the big screen, like on his telly, not you in the movie, would he, why didn't she just...

1:05:54That's where you can have a little, well, she can then put the music cozy on. Yeah, but there's like other rooms in the house, do you know what I mean? You don't shit out the same arsehole, do you? There's options. Yeah, there's options. But don't try and convert it to me, because honestly, I honestly don't want to. I don't want people to feel like force fed to me because then I feel guilty because I'm crap. You're not. No, I am. You're not. No, I am. I am crap. I'm the Pied Piper of scumbags. Are you a good stand-up? No, I'm crap at everything I do. No, don't try and convert because it's awkward because you know when you say show a mate a funny video, Oh, yeah.

1:06:39And you're like, when's it kicking? And you're like, oh, bleh. Yeah. I'd hate anyone to be doing that with me. Just let it be organic. I've shown a lot of people your clips. I think everyone's shown everyone Catford. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is your brother? He's good. He had me worried a few weeks ago. Right. Text me out the boy. He goes, Jamie can ask you a question. So that's a red flag. What's going on here now? What's domestic violence? what's domestic violence what do you mean because he's with his missus is also on the spectrum okay so it's just pure lanyard on ours yeah so i'm like what do you mean what's domestic violence daniel dan like fucking partridge answer me nothing i hear nothing so i never messaged me one went daniel's texted me this about domestic violence not heard anything from him man so I'm thinking because he's so like emotionally erratic yeah he's like fell off the handle and gone on a murder spree that's my where my first mind yeah or he's been murdered how old is he 29 right I'm thinking he's murdered I'm just I'm up all night Lord's is like it'll be alright you're overthinking it I'm like no his last message was what's domestic violence and I've heard nothing for like 12-14 hours finally got hold of me mum I stay up all night finally got hold of me mum half 8 in the morning when she's off to work.

1:08:05I went, I've got the 20 minutes' calls off. Is everything all right? Well, never mind. Is everything all right? Is Daniel all right? Message domestic. What's domestic violence? I've heard nothing for 14 hours. I've not heard from you. I've not heard from Daniel. What's going on with this domestic violence? She went, oh, no, it's just Todd. He's getting battered in Corrie, so.

1:08:26And he never heard the term domestic violence. Lily's gone to bed. So I've been up all night pulling my hair out. more than that he sounds has he put any more complaints in about have you put any more complaints in about no I've not had an appointment in a while because obviously I've moved out I've not occasionally if I do have to say to my mum's if I've got a late night late night gig in Manchester or whatever I'd rather keep it at my mum's than go home so I've not had an appointment in a good while so I think he's gone into more consultant consultant level Catford Catford MD Jamie it's been good fun mate It's always great to have you back.

1:09:04I think that's probably sorted out some of their problems, don't you? Yeah, I think you did actually give some good advice to the stand-up person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then other than that, play Scrabble, put the next words, hide in a cupboard. Rib. Eat round the mould. Eat round the mould. Eat round the mould. There we go. This has been Agony Ants with me, Jackmate Stevie White and the brilliant Jamie Hutchinson, who you can go and see on tour now. Where can they get the tickets, Jamie? JamieHComedian.com. I'm playing a big end of tour show at Manchester Apollo, 17th of November, and then I'm going on a stand-up sabbatical.

1:09:37So if you want to see me, this is the last tour for a while. What is there, a thought process behind that? What, a sabbatical? Yeah, I just want to have a break from stand-up, and then I don't want to rush out tour after tour, and it's crap. So I just want to make sure the next one's good, so I'm not putting any pressure on it. Love it. And if you can't get down to the tour for whatever reason, maybe you're further afield, your YouTube show is out. on the day we're recording this actually. So it'll be out now. Out now, yeah. So Jamie H. Thoughts on YouTube. Just like weekly, that 15 minute episode of just absolute chaos.

1:10:11Just like mind drop basically. Just really low key, chilled out stuff. Perfect. There we go. Thanks guys. It's been Happy Hour and we'll see you in a few days.

1:10:23Jack Mates Happy Hour. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans.