684 - The Funniest Episode Of All Time

28:04Listen to what it sounds like to be a million miles away.

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28:57I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. Starting a business can seem like a daunting task, unless you have a partner like Shopify. They have the tools you need to start and grow your business. From designing a website, to marketing, to selling, and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need.

29:37There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz, and Allbirds continue to trust and use them. With Shopify on your side, turn your big business idea into... Sign up for your$1 per month trial at shopify.com slash special offer. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and women go crazy for it? £100, mate. Oh, this is shit now. This is shit now. Fuck this. Oh my What is that? Is that sexist? What's a£100 note? Is that sexist to say people like money? Women like money No, but I'm saying Wait, what did you say? What's a£100 note? What? Do we have a£100 note? No What? 50's the max, innit?

30:24$100 note You need to retell it then No So I think Jammie Cunt might be winning with it That's the only good one. Nah, the L22 slaps. We realised that didn't make any sense. Well, we've got many more. I've offended a bloody TV host. Okay. I'm going to try and remember one. An old boy told me this one, so you can imagine the vibe. Is this true? Yeah. Was it Terry? Was it my granddad? No, it wasn't your granddad, but someone I know, an older man, told me this one about some nuns. I've got to try and remember it. Yeah. Okay. Four nuns die. And they're at the pearly gates of heaven. And St. Peter's there waiting for him.

31:09And he says, before I let you through, I've got some holy water here. Do you have any sins you need to confess to? Is that that stuff that all the YouTubers keep flogging at the moment? Yeah. Don't interrupt. I think it's got off the flow of it. I was ruining the joke. Go on then. Go back a little bit. Four nuns die. At the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter's there waiting there with a bowl of holy water. And he says, before you come in, you just need to tell me if you've sinned in your lives. And the first nun steps up and she says, yes, I need to wash my eyes with the holy water because I saw Father Patrick's penis.

31:41Oh, God. He says, okay, as long as you wash your eyes, you can go through. Like a$100 bell. Stop interrupting because it really just kills. The second nun steps up. It kills the momentum. And she says, St. Peter, I need to wash my hands because I touched Father Patrick's penis. As long as you wash your hands, you can go through. And as the third nun goes to step forward, the fourth quickly runs in front of her and says, oh, I need to wash my mouth out before the third nun washes her arsehole.

32:10Your dad told you that, didn't he? Just a minute. So that one's about nuns having sex with a priest. Yeah. One saw the cock, one handy, one blowy, other one sat on it. With a ring. But for some reason they were stood in an order which meant arsehole was going to get cleaned with the holy... Yeah. Is that offensive? No, no, no, no. It's all, look, anything you say will never be taken out of confidence. I wouldn't mind if Jonathan Ross did one on me. Do you know what I mean? Like short, I don't know, he could call me bloody Oompa Loompa or something. I'd be like, that's funny, Rossy. Do you know what I mean?

32:45We're talking about his one now, though, aren't we? Yeah, no, but I'm now focusing on what if he's listening and goes, oh, that's a bit... It's on the internet now. Everyone's already clipped up and sent it to him, so not much you can do. Do you want to give us another one? how are we going to fill an hour with this no no it's good okay funniest episode of all time I've got five more good and they're all ten seconds long because a minute almost uh nix this one off a YouTube short nix that off a YouTube short okay do you want to just link us when you say YouTube short do you mean you I think trying to do like the off the cuff ones is killing this yeah we can't interrupt during the joke it's like you're trying to be Lee Mack but it's like Lee Jack do that once the joke ends I'll try because you're doing it just as I'm gearing up I'm about to say the first word and then you go in and then I'm like oh but now because you spoke during my nun one loads and I think that was going to go down better no no because we still heard the punchline it was dog so I was getting bored during this my girlfriend has the same name as my mum obviously I'm not allowed to use her name during sex because it would remind her of my girlfriend you're having sex with your mum I've heard that rephrased before better than that I've heard I often send text messages to the wrong people by accident the other week I sent nudes to my mum imagine if I'd accidentally sent that to someone yeah yeah yeah yeah come on come on we've got this we need a banger here mate save us please right okay come on mate okay i like an anti-joke as well sometimes where the end isn't as big can i do a bit of a long one i'll pizazz it up yeah yeah yeah and i am reading this so the delivery might not be perfect how do you pizazz it up i just mean i'm gonna really try and tell it like i'm in the pub even though i am just reading and we won't interrupt no you can have a little comment in there.

34:53It's up to you. Three dads start showing off about their sons. These dads are all very, quite arrogant, but they're proud of their sons. So, sorry, I fucked it already. Right, we need to chill out. Four dads. Don't shout it at us because then we're going to get, we're going to feel intimidated. That's a big thing to fuck up. You're reading it. How have you got the number wrong multiple times? Give him confidence. Give him confidence. Four dads who hadn't seen each other in 30 years reunited at party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Hang on, where's the arrogant? He said the arrogant.

35:26He goes off, whereas the three remaining dads start bragging about their sons. One dad's gone off to the new. Yeah, three other three are fucking pricks. The first guy said, my son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He's become so rich that just the other day, he gave his best friend a top-of-the-line Mercedes for his birthday. The second guy went, fucking hell, that's terrific. But my son is also my pride and joy.

36:05He started working for a big airline, then went on to become the main pilot. Eventually, he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that just last week, he gave his best friend a jet for his birthday. The third man goes, boys, that's terrific. but my son studied in the best university and became an engineer then he started his own construction company is now a multi multi-millionaire he gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend just last week a 30 000 square foot mansion the three best friends congratulate each other and as they're doing so the last guy comes back from the toilet one of the three said we're all talking about our sons and what what how successful our sons are the fourth man replied oh okay well i'm really proud of my son too my son is a gay male prostitute and makes a living bumming other men the other three men said what a shame that's such a disappointment the fourth man shrugs and says i'm not disappointed in him he's doing really well for himself in fact for his birth in fact last week he gave his three biggest clients a mercedes a jet and a 30 square foot mansion you said that wrong haven't you you just said last week he gave that to them the joke is that they I was thinking there like oh have they all got the same son or yeah he's like he's like there's this scam artist that's scamming all these dads into thinking they're his son and said it completely wrong you've done it oh last week he was given last week he was so successful he's the most successful it's not gonna work now is it he's the most successful it's not gonna work now saying it again that he managed he could give his three favourite clients what's so bad about their sons being homosexual.

37:47Let's go into that. Because the joke in there is they don't want their sons to be homosexual. Well, I actually debated this because I didn't want to come across homophobic. Really? The joke is that the dads... Why risk it? The dads are homophobic towards the fourth guy's son, not knowing that their sons are even gayer. Yeah, ha ha. What do you mean even gayer? Like, well, they're like... They're the same amount of gay, aren't they? Well, they're not even cool gay. They're paying for gay. Like, you can't even go out and get bummed. You have to pay to get bummed. Your son. Or, but, you know, you don't know who's...

38:24It's like a misdirection at the end. Yeah. And they're the ones who are judgmental. But why are you trying to do this good message through this joke? Like, you're trying to... And the message there is don't be homophobic because your son could actually be gay. What's the misdirection when you misdirected us by doing the joke wrong? I've got one What the fuck is this shit? I would hate to listen to this I like it I like it I would hate it I've got one I think it's the funniest part of all time If we can land the punchline This is good Okay I'm going to do one shorter but really similar to Jack's.

39:15That's what she said. I'm going... Are we okay with dumb blonde jokes? Don't ask us. Ask all the dumb blondes out there. Are you lot alright? There we go, they're fine with it. Yeah. A red-headed mum, a brunette mum and a blonde mum are all sitting down talking about how disappointed they are in their daughters. They're all lezers.

39:43It's a throwback to the last joke in which I ran the risk of... They're all sitting down talking about how disappointed they are in their daughters. The red-headed mum says, I found whiskey in my daughter's room and I didn't even know she drank. The brunette mum says, That's nothing. I found marijuana in my daughter's room and I didn't even know she did drugs. And the blonde mum says, Your great mother's compared to me. I found condoms in my daughter's room and I didn't even know she had a dick.

40:13What are you reading It like a CBBC presenter Yeah Bedtime stories It was killing my vibe so much Bedtime stories Hello kids I didn't even know you had to She had a bit Yeah Okay Funniest spot of all time Did you like it? Yeah loved it I like that Did you know that was where it was going though? No Why didn't you like it? What? Explain why you didn't like it On a full review Because I kind of Because I understand comedy So I kind of knew where that was going Oh, really? When you said condoms, I was like, oh, yeah, she's going to say. I don't even know. Because she's naive that her daughter's sexually active.

40:49She cannot be. She's so thick that she doesn't realize that women can own condoms. Yeah. Could have been a femidom. What's that? I said condom. Condoms for women. What do you mean, what do you do with that? How does that work practically? So it's like, you know, a condom will have like the round bit and then the sheath. Hell yeah. This feels so weird. Jack's explaining this to you. You went quite out with the sheaf there. Fucking hell would. Someone came into my school and showed me this. It was like a round bit, round bit. Were they invited? The caretaker. Round bit, round bit, long bit. It's just like a tube.

41:27Wow. And then they put it. I don't really get it.

41:34I like that you've got that half. Lucky someone spent their time teaching you that. Oh god Alfie What you got for us Harmless one Very quick What's faster than an escalator An Esca sooner What Oh fuck off How have you not got that Oh fuck off I can't do this Yeah An Esca later Oh what I thought that was like a harmless little joke It is harmless That's the worst one But no But it would have been fine if you did If you got it the first time I think that's the worst one What do you want me to do These big long stories with a message at the end. I can't be arsed, mate. There doesn't need to be a message at the end.

42:17No, just a giggle. I couldn't find any long ones. It's not a giggle though, is it? Oh, just cheer up. That is a giggler. That's an absolute giggler, that. An Escasuna. Is that a rib tickler? Yeah. Yeah. It is actually. I giggled at that when I saw it. Jack, you've really slated his joke there. Yeah. All right. Yeah, I knew it would get like this. I knew it would get like this. Jack, punchline. oh he's just get wait i'm not even doing my last two because they're worse no you are you are he actually chuckled a little bit to himself as he read something then read that to us uh-huh what's coming pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says hey i haven't seen you in a little while what happened you look terrible what do you mean said the pirate i feel fine bartender what about the wooden leg you didn't have that before well we were in battle and i got hit with a cannonball but i'm fine now bartender well okay what about the hook what happened to your hand pirate we're in another battle i boarded a ship got into a sword fight my hand was cut off so i got fitted with a hook i'm fine honestly pirate bartender the pirates just said bartender i'm lost now the bartender goes and what about the eye patch and the pirate goes, oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.

43:36I looked up at one of them and it shit in my eye. And the bartender goes, you're kidding? You lost an eye just from bird shit? And he goes, nah, it was my first day with a hook. So the thing is, you can have a go at Escasino all you want. At least mine doesn't drag it out like the pain and then serve you shit. Do you know what I mean? Mine's like this. Mine's like this. oh he's clawed his eye out with his hook because there's so much he's got another hand you just wouldn't do that's just how is that first day now I think you would forget yeah Kalfi can I just say case in point earlier on in this episode you got annoyed and you banged the table with your sore hand yeah and you've had that sore for ages yeah you've got another hand bang it with that one I see yeah no done ya done ya you've done me it's possible then rolled the ball back for your leg yeah you have you've done me because actually that hurt my hand a bit yeah And I thought, why did I do?

44:31Yeah, well, you didn't say, are you all right? So you're a bad friend. Let's get into that. I just saw that you did that. I didn't notice. Do you like the pirate one? No. But you have proven a point. I think if you're going to drag it out, it's got to be good at the end. So far, we've had yellow 82 or whatever it was. 22. Numbers are relevant. Yeah. The only good one we've had so far is that jammy cunt. And that was the first one. No, I think they're all good Joggle another one like that Yeah, yeah, a little pun about vaginas I was blessed with a really big cock Now tell us a joke I was blessed with a really big cock Thankfully the priest was arrested shortly afterwards You almost spat your water out, didn't you?

45:17You like that? Yeah, that's good You like that? That was good, yeah See, maybe you had to go more than those That's better than Escasuna I can't do mine Escasuna's terrible Escasuna, that's funny It sounds like you're saying like a foreign insult. Escasuna. I was going, what does that mean? Why are you taking it there? Did you write it? What race? What race? Escasuna. Probably Spanish. And what does it mean? I don't know. Like, I don't know. I said it sounds like. Escasuna sounds like what? You're saying like. Fuck that Escasuna. Estaba Zepeda. Like that. That. It could be like a Spanish footballer.

45:55Yeah. Here comes Escasuna going down the wing. escalator right what's faster than that you're thinking what's faster loads of stuff's faster I'd say Escanow sooner and later there it is sooner and later isn't it yeah Escanow also works Escanow would you have laughed at Escanow tell it again yeah I would because yeah I would that sounds better what's faster than an escalator no I need to say escalator otherwise it's obvious what I'm going to do what's faster than an escalator what an Esker now yeah that's fair I'm writing have you written these are you going to tell us at the end of the episode you've written no no no is that why you're so insulted no I haven't written these because he's taken it personally you are taking it one personally I actually haven't written these okay right give us another one remember this is the funniest podcast episode of all time but you're going to say this is shit no I've actually been pro a lot of these apart from that one what do you call a magician who's lost his magic Ian yeah oh you can't ruin it you could have just said what I don't know well if you've heard it if you've heard it you've heard it right is that good yeah when I first heard that giggling would you have giggled if I'd have just said Ian I can't I'm never going to get to experience it because Jack ruined it well I'm just giving you the punchline yeah but you were just replying it to him I was expecting it to come from him so I was when you said it I was just double checking that it was right so you said it and he was going yeah so I didn't get the What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

47:28Russell What do you call a man buried in the ground? Doug Any more? Shit, I think that's Pete Yeah What do you call a man buried in the ground? Pete That makes more sense What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug Yeah I was thinking why would he be called Doug? Yeah I've got a good one for you Yeah, go on What's brown and sticky? A stick Yeah What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt

48:08Oh god You should have let Alfie take that one Yeah Fuck me Can we AI that? Jesus That's brilliant Oh Boys That's a real killer You're winning this But Yeah I don't want to bring the mood down but I saw that I've been involved in a scam targeting men and I want to tell the male listeners out there in case they don't know about it. Women often receive warnings, don't they, about protecting themselves, especially in malls and in dark places. So this is going around and this is about men. So a heads up for those men who are regular customers at Asda, Tesco or Sainsbury's. This one caught me totally by surprise.

48:50Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think this couldn't happen to you or your friends. This is how the scam works. Two nice-looking girls will come, women, will come over to your car. Stop correcting yourself. Two nice-looking women will come over to your car as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and cloth, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. Right. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no, but ask if you can just take them to the nearest McDonald's.

49:33Obviously, you will agree to that. But when they get into your vehicle, careful, because they start undressing. Then one of them starts kissing all over your body and playing with your willy, whilst the other one shows you her tits and steals your wallet. Right. I had my wallet stolen on August 4th, the 9th, the 10th twice on the 15th again on the 17th also on the 29th and probably five times next week

50:04the thing I don't get about that one is that's not a it's the same girls keep scamming this you right it's not very good is it they would just be like done him. He won't have anything in his wallet. We took him off. No, but we, it's a joke. You have to take it as a joke, right? So like, we don't have to read too much into it, but. He's probably going into like, he's probably putting the joke back on them. He's probably going into like TK Maxx, getting like 10 wallets for 20 quid or something, cheap ones, filling it with fake notes. Bash. No one has anything in a wallet these days anyway. Do you know what I mean?

50:44You should make it phone. Modernise it. Again, it's dated. Yeah, but he's not then going to buy 10 fake iPhones, is he? but buying 10 fake wallets. That wasn't part of the joke. Buying the wallets wasn't the joke, was it? Why are you deep in mine, but I'm not allowed to go in on yours? You did go in on mine. Esker now. Yeah, you changed his joke. You liked Esker now. You liked Esker now. You didn't like Esker sooner. Okay, was that a flop then, that one? It was... I think the issue was the punchline was too long. No, no, no. You say, oh, they got me here, and then they got me then, and that's cool.

51:19that's done, then it's and then, and then. No, no, no, no. I think that's the joke. I think, like, because did you see the way I delivered it? I had my wallet stolen on August 4th and the 8th, 11th, 12th. And then the joke's funnier, the longer. But, like, I think the punchline is one of these, right? A lot of yours are like, ah, yeah. So then that's nice, but when the punchline keeps going on, you've realised the joke and you've gone, yeah. And then you're just hearing you go, and the fifth, and the sixth, I think that's the best bit. Okay. And very likely five times again next week. Yeah. I've got one.

51:55That was good because it's like, he knows it's going to happen again. Do you not have any like story ones? Sex addiction. Have you not got any story ones for us? No. Yours are short. No, I don't have any. I'll give you one. Yeah. That's what she said. A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye, I'm going to sit down and have one more drink and if my horse isn't back where I left it I'm going to have to do what I did in Texas and I really don't want to have to do what I did back in Texas True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink and sits in the bar and finishes his drink He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it As he's just about to ride off one of the other patrons timidly asks Mr, what was it you had to do in Texas?

52:47And the cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says, sadly, I had to walk home.

52:55What's he on about? She's on out halfway. Mate, I was gone. I was literally gone. Oh, his was fucking so long. No, I know, mate. I was literally gone. I don't like the story ones. I think they're cringey. That's the worst one. And I just have to be real on what I like and dislike. I do not like a long story. That's what they do. Yes, but I like it when it's a stand-up comedian telling a story about themselves. But when it's like these, I do picture like, I don't know. My dad's saying it. I think that's what they are though. You mean my granddad? Yeah. No, no. Do you want a quick short one? Yeah.

53:36I was outside the shop the other day when these kids came up to me and said, excuse me, sir, if you're going in the shop, can you get me 20 Richmans? I said, yeah, no problem. them i came out none of them appreciated they said what the fuck are these the next time get your own fucking sausages see i like stuff like that i like that that was a nice length because it was a bit long i like the i do like the quick ones though okay i like your ass casunas yeah i love that one that's maybe my favorite one okay and that was feet well done feet yeah what about jammy cunt that was a brilliant one do you know i mean a nice short one these long stories their punchline never hits.

54:12I've got one more similar to the length of text. For me. Yeah, go on then. Okay. And we're back. Streaming on Peacock. May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slightly, let's jar something loose. Ay, yes! I like that. The certified fresh series returns. Your boss. You always like this, or is this just an act, oh no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody! There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to laugh. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile.

54:48Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made$15 bills. But it turns out, that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch.

55:16This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. A man comes home from work to find his girlfriend moving out of the house. Where the hell do you think you're going? The man asked. I'm leaving because I've heard you're a pedophile, replied the girlfriend.

55:57The man pauses for a second and says, pedophile, eh? That's a pretty big word for a 10-year-old. Dark. yeah you can kind of you can kind of get where it's going it's like we can't keep overanalyzing these is part of this just we are not in the mood no I'm in the mood I'm in the mood I don't know if you are I'm trying not to but I can't force it I think this is the funniest episode of all time do you? yeah I think it's really funny that they're now not working I started too early with Jeremy Cunt, didn't I? That was so good. Should have brought that into the end. Do you know how old Fee is? How old?

56:37Do you know how old she is? 30. One. 31. Do you know why I fancy 31 year olds? Why? There's 30 of them. Brilliant. And that... That's what you're into? Yeah, I love that. Do you see the set up? Yeah. Yeah. You proper got me there. You got me. There's 30 of them. This is... No, don't say it again. Do you know what I mean? I get the... This is like when we go through psychopedia as kids. Yeah, I like that. Funniest episode of all time, this. Okay, I've got another short one for you, Alf. Yeah. Because I've got a lot of story ones and you don't seem to like them. No, do them. See if one might get me and I'll be like, that's why these are.

57:18I'm actually genuinely enjoying it. I'm of the TikTok generation. You've got no attention span. Yeah, I need quick dopamine. This one's a story one, but it's not too long. That's fine. I'm going to give you such a long one. Listen to it. This isn't long. Yeah, do, do. I need to learn to like these. This isn't long, but please focus on the whole thing. I will. Don't zone out. You said you zoned out on the cowboy one. He said he did. I did, yeah. Okay, don't zone out. Don't point at me. I admitted I did. Oh, now, come on. That's immature. I'm just offending you. That's good. Go on. He is a good friend.

57:47He doesn't care about your hand. Yeah. It's not too long, I promise. That's what she said. That's what he said. He? He said it's not too long, I promise. It couldn't be a woman, could it? Talking about the peens. You said it's not too long, I promise. And you said that's what she said. That doesn't make sense. No, I'm not. It's literally fine. I'm just wondering like... Yeah, I said he because he has... No, but Jack was thinking of Fiona like saying that, but you're... Who's this guy? What's the guy saying? Because I've made a penis joke, so it has to be the guy that says it. What about his own penis?

58:19Yeah, he's saying... But you'd say that's what I said. What are you saying? That's what he... Like, who is this guy? I'm not judging you. I'm saying who is this guy? It's the guy from Jack's joke. he gifted me a mansion right okay okay oh god a man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says cheese sandwiches one pound and below that another sign that reads hand jobs two pound he looks around for the bartender but the only other person he can see is a really attractive woman about 25 year olds with huge tits at the end of the bar he walks up to her and says excuse me but are you the one who gives the hand jobs and she replies in a sexy voice why yes I am to which he immediately responds well go wash your hands and I want a sandwich you fuck

59:04brilliant we've got them brilliant come on I didn't see it I was trying to work out where that was going brilliant yeah brilliant we're in best episode funniest episode ever ever right father's shit what was that a father puts his three year old daughter to bed told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying god bless mummy God bless daddy God bless grandma and goodbye grandpa the father said why did you say goodbye grandpa little girl said I don't know daddy it seemed like the right thing to say the next day guess what grandad died you're right the father thought it was a strange coincidence a couple of nights later he's putting the girl to bed again she says God bless mummy God bless daddy and goodbye grandma he goes oh for fuck's sake is this kid in contact with the other side next day nan dies several weeks later when the girl was going to bed again.

59:57He heard her say, God bless mummy and goodbye daddy. He practically went into shock. He shat himself. He didn't know what to do. He was up all night in sweats. He goes to the office early the next day. He walks so he doesn't get in any traffic altercations. He sits at the office. He checks his pulse. He makes sure he drinks his vitamins and everything goes by fine. It gets to midnight. He stays at the office the whole time to make sure nothing can happen. Gets to midnight, fine. he goes home and he explains to his wife she goes you look knackered you're never at work this long why are you so tired and he goes oh I don't know I just had a strange feeling something bad was going to happen today she goes it did the milkman's dead oh I didn't see that coming nice that's alright that was good it's alright yeah that was really good no the dance was horrible the dance has ruined the punch no that was good I liked that, mate.

1:00:54I liked that. Make that a gift. I like that. Come on, Alfie, just have one, mate. I mean... You've run out, haven't you? No, I've got one. Alfie, be more positive, mate. Yeah, you just shout on mine. No, no, no. What do you call an Indian girl who runs away on her wedding day? A what? A what, mate? What do you call an Indian girl who runs away on her wedding day? Missing.

1:01:22thank fuck you said it yeah can you read the Usain Bolt one again for me I wouldn't say that okay I found one that is on there's a Wikipedia page which says the funniest joke of all time or something oh okay have you read this it's like it's deemed as the funniest stroke of all time. But I've got that for you. Okay. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, my friend is dead. What can I do? The operator says, calm down. I can help. But first, let's make sure he's dead.

1:02:00There's a silence and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, okay, now what? Say that again. I know. I knew exactly where that was going. Yeah. You get it? She goes, but are you sure he's dead? Yeah, I'm sure he's dead. Is that not more like a tech, like a ooh? What, like an urban legend? Yeah. He was the killer all along. No, because he didn't do anything in the first place. He's just thick. She said, make sure he's dead. Make sure he's actually dead before we send someone else. Oh, I took it as a command. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like when, like that shit joke where it's like someone gets hit in the street.

1:02:38Someone, like they're laying, they're dying. They go, call me an ambulance. you're an ambulance that's good that's good I like the shit ones that's good couple more I think yeah yeah and then we can wrap up the funniest episode of all time yeah I've got a shorter one for you Alfie you'll be able to focus on this I was sitting on the edge of the bed pulling my boxes off and my missus said you spoil them dogs

1:03:09I love the ones like that He's wanking off his dogs. Yeah, no, I get it. Yeah, that ruins it. Saying it makes it horrible. Sorry, I'll do that. I accidentally swallowed loads of food colour in the other day. Yeah. Died a little on the inside. Oh, you hated that. I've not seen your face do that before. I just think those ones are a little bit too PG. I like the dog one. My attempts to develop an artificial testicle are shambolic. Shambolic? Like a fake. That's all right, yeah. Yeah, that's better than the... Dying side. I put a log on the fire the other day. My wife thought it was disgusting and I burned my bum off.

1:03:50I like that we've just turned this into seeing if we can make Alfie laugh. I love the ones about bums and dicks and... That's what you want to happen. Yeah. This is the best joke of all time. Okay, okay. Right, lock him for this. Yeah, yeah. What do you call a man with a condom on his nose? Fuck nose.

1:04:15That's good, isn't it? That's really good. Because you never would. Why you got a condom on your fucking nose? You wouldn't go, here comes fuck nose. Why are you doing that? Why are you doing that? You kill it. You really kill it, don't you? Leave it. We were laughing. You don't have to follow it up. I don't need to go like, oh, imagine if that actually happened. Yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have said he's wanked. Yeah. I've seen it now. You've seen it firsthand now. What do you call a smart person in America? Tourist. oh it's distasteful it's distasteful that um i've got another longer one yeah not too long though that's all right mate stop please just do this not for me i want no you don't sherlock holmes and dr watson were going camping they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep sometime in the middle of the night holmes woke watson up and said watson look up at the sky and tell me what you see watson replied i see millions and millions of stars Holmes said, and what do you...

1:05:09Sorry, can you stop nodding? Like, you're trying to take credit for it. Brenda told me this, man. But, like, you're pointing and nodding. Like, I know it, I know it. And it's making me not... I'm not doing anything. No, but it's like, it's really putting me off, Stevie. No, it's really... No, because I was liking where this was going. And you were, like, going, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was really annoying me. Can we stop arguing? Yeah. Okay. Millions of stars. Millions of stars. Okay, so they've pitched up the tent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Millions and millions of stars. Holmes said and what do you deduce from that?

1:05:37Watson replied well if there are millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there and if there are a few planets like Earth out there there might also be life and Holmes said Watson you idiot it means somebody stole our tent yeah holy shit that's because he shouldn't be able to see the stars that's why I was excited because I knew it was bad oh man I need like a punchline where Watson's like giving Sherlock a blowjob. That's my shit. Okay, sorry. I would have prepared more like that if I'd known. I've got a really long one that kind of has a punchline like that that you might like.

1:06:17Go on then. But I think I've got to remember it because I haven't written it down. That's fine. Okay. Fuck. It's alright. A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar. They walk through and the bartender says excuse me sir but there's no animal no So we're just going to order a drink and we're going to leave. I'll have a De Serrano and Coke. And then the ostrich says, I'll have a gin and tonic. And then the cat says, I'll have half a beer, but I ain't paying for shit. They all drink their drinks and they leave. Next day they go back in. The bartender allows it because he's amazed by the fact. Sorry, I missed a bit.

1:06:52It's all right, go back. They finish their drinks and the guy pays with the exact change. Right. And then they leave. The next day they go back in. The bartender allows it because he's amazed by the fact that these animals are talking, but he also pays with the exact amount of money. It doesn't often happen. They repeat the same thing. I'll have a Disarano and Coke. The ostrich says I'll have a gin and tonic. And the cat says I'll have half a beer but I ain't paying for shit. Cat said or ostrich said? The cat says that. The cat's on the beer. The ostrich's on the gin and tonic. Cat's cheeky, man.

1:07:21Keeps happening. Days are on. Keeps happening over and over again. And then they go in and one time the bartender, he said he's had enough. He says I can't stand this anymore. You come in here. You order the same drinks. You pay with the exact amount of money. your cat's incredibly rude and you never leave me a tip what's happening and then he says well what happens is I was running through uh the beach recently and I tripped over something metal and a small genie came out and a small genie came out and said I could have free wishes and rather than wishing for all the money in the world I wish that no matter where I go I have the exact right amount amount of money I need to pay for things and he says oh no that's that's actually quite cool but that doesn't explain the ostrich and the cat.

1:08:03And he says, well, after that, I also wished for a long-legged bird and a tight pussy.

1:08:15I like it, mate. If I'm down the pub, which I rarely am, I'm giggling my head off at that if some old guy says that. See, the funny thing is, when I read that one, I was thinking, that's not going to be liked, so I didn't write it down. than remember. No, it's good. You like the Volga. I like that. I need to remember this for Al. I like that. I like the Volga. I like that. What about this? Duck goes into a bar. He goes, all right, mate, pick a food. Curry. All right, mate, I want a curry. Barman goes, what the fuck? He goes, we don't serve curry in here and we don't serve ducks. He's a prick. Like that.

1:08:51Leaves. Comes back the next day. All right, mate, can I get curry? He goes, I've told you yesterday, we don't serve ducks and we don't do curries. He goes, leaves. comes back the next day he goes hey you got a curry? Barman goes if you ask that one more time I'm going to nail your beak to the bar he goes comes back the next day he goes Barman you got any nails? he goes no he goes in that case I'll have a curry I just knew it was going to that's just a duck walks off in a lemonade stand and he's there so the man running a stand literally I knew it was going to be something fucking shit like that You made me change the lemonade.

1:09:30Yeah, I wanted to see if I could get that in. It's good. Yeah. It's very good. That's finished now. Huh? That series of the duck, the duck song, finished now. Sad, isn't it? Is it? I don't know. It's still going. Finished last year. It was like 11 years ago. I can quick, what, quick one, another quick one. Go on. Snail goes into a bar and says, can I have a curry? Barber goes, no, we don't serve snails. We don't. Wait, no. And he goes, and we ain't got curry. he goes please please i really really want curry he goes no i fucking told you you were a snail shouldn't be eating curries he goes come on mate just give me a curry he goes right you've asked three times now she's your third one and picks up the snail fucking launches it like that year later snail comes back he goes what'd you do that for because they're slow notoriously Now you're explaining, isn't it?

1:10:21No, I know. Yeah. It's a joke. I like... Who writes these jokes? Comedians. Is it, though? I think the original ones would have been... It would have been a quick bit from like a Milton Jones or something like that. They are good, aren't they? They are really good. They're funny, aren't they? They'll just be told in pubs over the years, won't they? Do you want to... Fee's just text me some. What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large-breasted crab? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean. Yeah. My wife kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression, but don't worry, I'll return.

1:10:58That's good. Why are you reading them so monotone? It's working for me. It's working for me. My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette because every night we go over a drag. What do you call a man in a swimming pool with no arms and legs? Bob.

1:11:18Can't read that one. Cannot read that one, Fee Wait, what was that one? Bleep it A **** No Yeah, probably bleep that one then Got any others? See, I've got another story one that I remember But I don't think I'll feel like it There's no dark punchline or anything I don't need Is that good? Can we finish on it? This is the big finisher Big finisher I've been terrible, mate Yeah No, you've been the best Jack's been the second best I've just thought of one Oh, go on Like it How good is it? Have you heard my Erling Haaland joke? It's a big finisher. Okay, let me do my one, then you finish on that then.

1:11:55Because mine's just a story. We've just done it. Oh. That was it? I wasn't really paying attention. Oh, that's... He didn't get you. He thought you were saying my Erling Haaland joke's a big finisher. Yeah, that's what I thought you were saying. Go on, go on, go on. No, because now it's not a good... Right, bit of ten-second silence. Okay. Get it out of the system, and then Stevie, this is make or break for the app. Yeah, all the comments will probably be about this. Okay. This is the Haaland, go on. An Irish man walks into a bar. He orders three Guinnesses, sits alone at a table, and he starts drinking each one, one sip at a time, in that order.

1:12:31Sip from one, sip from two, sip from the third. And everyone's kind of looking over, thinking, that's an unusual way to drink. The next day he comes back, does exactly the same thing, and for the rest of that week he keeps coming back in, orders three Guinnesses, sits alone, and drinks them in turn. and eventually the barman's getting a little bit he's kind of like oh I don't know what's going on there I'm gonna ask him he goes over and he says why do you do this every day and he says the thing is my brothers have all my two brothers have moved away and we've agreed that every day we'll go to the pub all at the same time in separate places and we'll all drink with each other for each other he goes oh that's that's quite sweet that actually and then for the next couple of weeks he keeps going back and he's drinking one Guinness one Guinness one Guinness until one day he goes in he only orders two guinnesses and he sits back down and everyone in the bar is kind of looking around and saying no sorry he's nodding again no I just like mobbed it I got it he's looking around everyone's looking around and thinking oh everyone feels a bit like uneasy and sad so the barman goes over and says oh I just want to say sorry for your loss mate and he says what do you mean?

1:13:34he goes I'm sorry you only ordered two guinness I'm sorry for your loss and he clocks on and he goes oh no none of my brothers have died I've just quit drinking yeah I'll work that out that's good yeah and I thought you had a comedy mind and you didn't work that out do you want me to be real? yeah zoned out again didn't know where we were by the end of it how do you expect listeners to enjoy that? if that's all you're doing no they'll hate me but you know what? my friend my friend licks strawberry preserve off his wife's vagina yeah jammy cunt yeah that's brilliant that if he just sent me another I don't get it brilliant my girlfriend's vagina smells like roses but roses is tighter the name roses is a real name she's saying oh oh smells like another woman called roses I like that I like that a lot this has been good it's been the funniest episode ever yeah that was brilliant there you go guys it's been Jack Makes Happy Hour Podcast with the three of the Britain's most inspiring up and coming comedians Alfie Indra Jackmate and Stevie White remember funniest step of all time

1:14:48are we done? are we clapping it? yeah yeah funniest step ever you've got to clap you really need to make them think that's funny that was so funny good guy shall we leave Esker now? good sorry Esker sooner it is

1:15:09Jackmates Happy Hour. Hey, first time? Love those sneakers. Thanks. Depop. Got them cheap. Oh, yeah? Okay, downloading. There's loads on there. Wow. Wish I'd had this last week. I just paid full price for mine. Oh, right? And you can't get these ones anywhere. Find what you want for less on Depop. Oh, sneakers worn once. Excellent condition.

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