In short
The episode is a chaotic mix of internet-drama discussion and a “Life’s Good, But There’s A Catch…” game. The hosts first obsess over “Danny Boy,” aka the “Brass Father,” a globe-trotting Instagram/OnlyFans-style figure who claims he films drug-fueled encounters. They focus on a Thailand incident where he alleges a “lady of the night” and a Thai man escalate into a knife threat, property accusations, and a frantic escape via multiple tuk-tuks. They also mention claims of racist comments going viral, followed by his “AI troll” defense and deleted/reposted videos.
Key claims
he’s “always in problems,” makes money from social media, and posts rapid updates during/after conflicts.
Notable examples
Brazil cartel-favelas access; Thailand knife confrontation; “second prostitute today” claims; a prior beat-up with “elephant man” swelling.
Then they debate Four in a Bed/Come Dine With Me cheating (Ozzy and Bobsy underpaying; scoring tactics). Finally, they play nine “good with a catch” scenarios (free holidays with travel-time penalty, pain when pooping, magic biscuit with “10 painful deaths” tradeoff, etc.).
Guests
none—only the regular hosts (Jaack Maate, Alfie, Stevie, and others referenced).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOAlfie's Injury Update
0:24 to 1:05
Discussion about Alfie's recent knee injury and cast, sharing personal anecdotes.
“You're going to have a cast on his knee next week.”
Danny Boy's Wild Adventures
1:05 to 2:27
Introduction to Danny Boy, his lifestyle, and recent escapades in Thailand.
“I thought he kind of had like a quiet period.”
Danny Boy's Dangerous Encounter
2:27 to 4:25
A detailed recount of Danny Boy's chaotic experience involving a knife and a scam in Thailand.
“because it's his version against someone else's version.”
Danny Boy's Viral Controversy
4:25 to 7:20
Discussion about Danny Boy's recent viral video and accusations of racism, along with his response.
“Videos have come out of other people in Thailand filming Danny Boy running.”
Internet Drama Reflections
7:20 to 8:03
The hosts reflect on internet drama and how it connects to their past experiences.
“From what I can gather, all of Thailand, like a lot of Thai people that are on his page now going, get out of Thailand, you want me to get fucked up now, because it's gone viral.”
Frustrations with Reality Shows
8:03 to 8:53
Hosts express their anger over the unfairness observed in reality shows like Four in a Bed.
“which is talking about things you're seeing on your phone.”
Recapping Four in a Bed
8:53 to 14:00
A deep dive into a specific episode of Four in a Bed, discussing contestants and outcomes.
“And people still paid them a respectful amount.”
Eggman and His Eccentricities
14:00 to 14:52
Learn about an eccentric character known as Eggman and his peculiar habits.
“Wore a top hat and a waistcoat but like no other smart clothes.”
Reality Show Frustrations
14:53 to 17:49
Discussion on frustrations with reality shows like 'Come Dine with Me' and 'Four in a Bed'.
“Didn't Dara say it recently that everyone just should?”
Life's Sweet: Catchy Scenarios
17:50 to 19:58
Introduction to a fun segment about good things that come with catches.
“We can't sing it because we're not told them what we've been doing, have we?”
Show all 26 chapters
Free Holidays with a Catch
19:59 to 22:35
Exploration of the idea of free holidays that come with inconvenient travel times.
“I've got two good ones, and I'm going to start with a good one.”
Unlimited Food with Pain
22:36 to 26:25
Discussion on the idea of having unlimited food but experiencing pain during digestion.
“I guess the best way to do it would be I want to go three days somewhere.”
The Pain of Culinary Delights
26:26 to 28:00
Debate on whether the pain of indulgence in favorite foods is worth it.
“I just want to eat normally and just poo like I do.”
The Magic Biscuit Dilemma
28:00 to 29:38
A discussion about a hypothetical magic biscuit that guarantees health at a cost.
“Right, but I've got to try and convince you because I don't also want them.”
Debate on Life and Death
29:38 to 33:18
Exploring the implications of sacrificing lives for personal benefits.
“It's brutal, but let's be honest, right?”
Beauty and Perception
33:18 to 37:51
A conversation about the benefits and drawbacks of being perceived as attractive despite self-image issues.
“I know I want the benefit, but I don't want to live with killing 10 people in that way.”
The Ultimate Driver
37:51 to 42:00
Imagining having a driver who shares offensive opinions while driving.
“He puts no effort in and he's going to get it.”
Playful Banter
42:00 to 42:19
Enjoy light-hearted exchanges and humorous remarks among friends.
“No, you're the most handsome person in the world, mate.”
Imaginary Football Careers
42:47 to 44:27
Explore a hypothetical scenario about playing football and its consequences.
“You boys both go on holiday and whilst you're there, you meet the manager of your respective chosen football clubs.”
The Dilemma of Fame vs. Injury
44:27 to 46:31
Discuss the trade-off between a football career and the risk of injury.
“But if somebody offered you four million.”
The Perfect Pill Concept
46:31 to 48:36
Debate the implications of a pill that ensures health but risks early death.
“So each of us have to take one of these last ones.”
The Roulette of Life
48:36 to 50:58
Engage in a discussion about life expectancy and the risks of taking the perfect pill.
“However, at some point between now and when you're going to naturally die.”
Randomized Life Outcomes
50:58 to 53:38
Explore the concept of random outcomes in life through a wheel spin analogy.
“it's giving you absolutely everything you could ever need Yeah, but what I'm saying is, but like, you can achieve these things in life, can you not?”
Freezing Age Experiment
53:38 to 56:01
Consider the implications of freezing the ages of loved ones with a catch.
“Alfie's all handsome and stuff from his thing, isn't he?”
The Random Wheel of Family and Pedos
56:01 to 1:00:49
A humorous discussion about using a random wheel to age family members and the implications of choosing pedophiles.
“No, but I'm trying to get it so that it lands on someone that you want to age.”
Wishing with a Genie: What's the Catch?
1:00:50 to 1:05:18
The hosts explore the concept of wishes granted by a genie, weighing the risks and benefits involved.
“Every time you wish for something, there's a one in a hundred chance your mum will die.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:11Jaack Maate's happy hour. Okay.
0:20Just before the intro. Sorry mate. That's the intro. That's the intro. Welcome back to happy hour. Alfie's done his fucking knee in. You're going to have a cast on his knee next week. He's got the cast on his hand. And all are not a cast, but a thing. How are you? In pain. What do you do? Just slid forward and smash your knee? Pretty much, mate, yeah. Pretty much. Do you know what? It's good to see Alfie a lot over the last few weeks, isn't it? Because we had a bit of a Robbie run, didn't we? Yeah. Alfie was in America this summer. He was in America, left us. Now Robbie's somewhere. Where is Robbie?
0:51On holiday. Probably fucking skiing or some shit. Yeah, probably. I'm sure he'll tell us about it when he's back. Sounded like an insult. Wasn't, was it? I've not really been doing much since I last saw you, boys, to be honest. I've been catching up on Danny Boy 83. Is he back? I thought he kind of had like a quiet period. Back in a big way, let me tell you. We are on the Thailand Chronicles 2.0. Give a quick, brief explanation to our few. You have told me, I can't remember. Danny Boy, he's called the Brass Father. He calls himself the Brass Father. He goes around the world, does a lot of drugs, and sleeps with prostitutes.
1:26Films it all for Instagram. yeah he's a scary man so Danny if you're watching this I do not I'm just informing the boys of you and your content I'm getting your name out there you enjoy his content he's a nutter don't say that after he'll admit he's a nutter in a good way would you be his mate no would you not well he could be listening so yeah why are you shaking your head don't he's hoping he's only listening and not watching oh I see so the other day he goes so a little bit of context like Like last year he went to Brazil and he went to the favelas where like the cartel are. And he was doing like...
2:03What? In with all the cartel and stuff. And it's nice. Yeah, and filming it all. It's insanity. Why are they letting him in? Why are they going, yeah, come join us? Well, because he's... I think... I don't know. I don't know. I think he's a bit scary. But he's recently... There was a news article about him come up. You've not seen it. No. He goes to Thailand. and I don't know what the right version of the story is because it's his version against someone else's version. But the other people don't seem too credible either. Okay. He gets a Lady of the Night. Can we say prostitute in 2028? No idea.
2:39Don't ask me. That might be just... Brass, brass, brass, brass, brass. Say brass. You can't say that. I think it's just different countries say different things, don't they? I think that's borderline. Just say whatever you want to say. Tide, prosy. right I mean he does a video and it's four in the morning and he's off his chops and he can barely talk and he's like off his chops is great that's a good sentence and he's like he's like yeah what are you saying people yeah I'm in this I'm in this room and he goes and she's just he turns the camera he goes she just pulled a fucking knife out on me right and there's this Thai woman she's got this huge blade and he goes and he's kicking off and he moves and on the bed with him is this Thai man and he's going pay me money pay me money like that and he's going she's they're claiming I've smashed the TV up and I've smashed the table up I ain't done shit I ain't done shit like that and this guy's going I'm going to kill you I'm going to kill you is he recording this or going live doing this he's recording it he's getting his phone out and doing a video but he films everything and he's just next to this guy and the guy's screaming at him with a knife and he's just going I'm not giving you fuck all brother fuck all it's like hell it's hell it's absolute hell and you have to watch every second of it.
3:54And then he's like, does video finishes, new video, 10 minutes later, he goes, oh, please don't say the cops are coming because I haven't done any of this and I can't go to a tired prison. I'll end up killing people in there. He goes, I'll wake up someone. That's his fear. Yeah. Harming others. He goes, one of them will kick me in the head, I'll kick him in the head, like that. It's bad. And then, 10 minutes later, sorry, an hour later, he posted again and he's like out of breath and he's like can't believe it I got away I got away I just got out of there he goes and then he started chasing me he was actually going at me with a knife he goes but I knew he wasn't going to do fuck all because he's missing me every time and he goes so I got on a tuk-tuk the guy's screaming at the man not to take me saying I'm a I've damaged his property he goes I haven't it's a scam it's a scam he goes so the tuk-tuk guy don't take me I go on the next tuk-tuk happens again he goes in the end I got on a third one and I just forced him to take me.
4:49Like, fuck your ass back. How have you done that? Videos have come out of other people in Thailand filming Danny Boy running. What? You're saying he's uploaded a video, then later on he's uploaded another video of the next situation, and an hour later. Is he uploading it while he's in the situation? Yeah, he's going, I'm here now. What's he doing? Yeah, but he's going, I'm here now, and he's going, I know you've got a knife on me, I'm just going to post this. He's probably just arguing with him while he's uploading it. Yeah. Yeah, and everyone's going, Danny, this is serious, mate. Get out. is he um well what does he do to unwind?
5:21Coke. But does he ever just chill out? No no he's always about he's always in problems. And he makes his money off Instagram? Uh I don't know if he even makes that much money I think he did OnlyFans for a bit because like but but he you were so subbed to that. No I've never been subbed to any OnlyFans but he there's one point what was it so he left his motorbike there because he couldn't find the keys when he it was obviously off his head and there was a time five or six months ago where he got beat up massively and his face balloons and he couldn't open his eyes. He looked like the elephant man and he said that five guys just smashed his car up when he was in it and just got jumped.
6:00It's bad but now but then so that night when he gets back he goes he's back in his hotel room he goes back in my part of Thailand now and I'm in his hotel room he goes I'm off my chops I'm off my chops he goes but don't worry I've got another one like that he turns the camera around and there's just a prostitute in the shower. At some point during running away from a man with a knife, he has found another prostitute. And he goes, that's second one today, second one today. And then he goes, I'd do four if I could. I have.
6:32That's mad. Madness. I mean, I'm obviously going to go and watch all of them. You have to. It's the biggest. I'm obsessed with this guy. That gives me anxiety thinking about being in 10 % of that situation. It's like watching true crime, isn't it? You can't look away because it's so far removed from what your life is. Yeah, it's absolutely insane. And so there's another twist to the tale. I'm not completely caught up on it because it happened today. But he tried to get scammed again. Do you mean he tried to get scammed again? No, no, someone tried to scam him again. And he did a rant, four in the morning, office jobs.
7:11And I think he said, oh, that's my cat camera, sorry. I think he said something racist about Thai people. Right. From what I can gather, all of Thailand, like a lot of Thai people that are on his page now going, get out of Thailand, you want me to get fucked up now, because it's gone viral. And he's now come out and said it's AI, and that the trolls have made an AI video of him. But he posted it to his account, and now it's deleted. and he also posted the morning after going, sorry, I was a bit off my head. And now he's saying it's AI. Yes. Yep. Okay. Yep. Oh. That's mad. It is mad. So if anyone knows about Danny Boy, let's have a chat about it, because I'm fascinated.
7:57Fascinated. I like that our all-cought-ups have got to a point where, because we've been together a lot lately, and everything we've done together is together, which is talking about things you're seeing on your phone. Well, this is an internet, you remember this was an internet drama show back in the day, eight years ago. Do you see I posted and deleted Four in a Bed hate the other day I was fucking raging mate Why? Because there was these fucking cheats Ozzy and Bobsy On Four in a Bed? Are they cats? No they're men from Bradford Ozzy and Bobsy? I have never been so angry at an episode of Four in a Bed in my life You're still watching it?
8:33Yeah And Come Dine With Me Look at this I'm watching Crackhead Danny Boy And you're watching Four in a Bed hours of four in a bed a day okay tell us tell us aussie and bobsy right so it's like the bradford area yeah and they just play the so four in a bed obviously the premise is you go stay to each other's hotels airbnbs and then say my room that you're staying in is 200 pound at the end you pay what you think that's worth yeah yeah so if so if you find a hair you might go 190 yeah do you know i mean yeah aussie and bobsy i have never seen anything like it they just underpaid by like 120 pounds purely to win what was wrong what was wrong with the hotel though nothing that bad nothing that bad they had this dubai style theirs was a dubai style block of apartments okay and they had flat pack furniture in there wasn't good enough Okay.
9:35And people still paid them a respectful amount. They had two, and I've never seen this, Jack and Stevie. Two people declined their payments, so took a zero. What? They said, that payment you've offered is so insulting that I will not accept your hypothetical payment. So they did it at every place they went? They were just always underpaying? Underpaying, underpaying, underpaying. They ended up winning. I was sick about it. So what have you done? You've tweeted about this? I share. I went on Four in a Bed Instagram and... You follow it? I unfollowed it because I messaged it to follow me back like three times and it never did.
10:13Why do you want Four in a Bed to follow you on Instagram? Because it's my favourite show. Right, I don't want the traitors to follow me back. Yeah, but I love Four in a Bed more than you love traitors. Right. He probably does, to be fair. Yeah, I'm not saying that, but I don't know. I would get involved in the comments of Four in a Bed loads on the Instagram. But then why do they need to follow you for you to do that if you like it that much? because i just wanted them to follow me yeah well i at the start it was like how cool would it be if four and a bed follow me back do you follow anyone not cool do you follow anyone that doesn't follow you back yeah loads so why is four four four and a bed is your favorite show ever but it doesn't deserve your follow unless they're watching it for the clips you're not watching it for interaction are you don't want four and a bed to comment on your new no but i'm like an active member in the four and a bed community as well so i'm like do me that they they follow so many people just just viewers but for some reason they don't follow me i think that's why it hurts i'm follow follow i'm follow i'm follow follow i'm follow follow how's that gonna make them follow me keep popping up all the time same name all the time i'm gonna do that yeah because i that's you've nail on head it annoys me that they follow so much of the audience and not me what am i doing wrong well you're giving it hate i gave ozzy and bobsy hate what did you post what was the hate you posted well i deleted it after like two minutes because i was embarrassed because i said i've never been so angry at an episode of this show aussie and bobsie you are clowns that's i don't know why you've deleted that that's quite funny i was fucking raging mate honestly watch it it was surely there has to be a thing in the show to like that's like going on the traitors and telling everyone who the traitors are if you know it off so surely there has to be something exactly i don't want to i don't want to spoil this four in a bed spoilers three two one there's this one i haven't watched yet but i saw on tiktok and it's margate and someone was doing what ozzy and bobsy are but they were complaining loads and someone got whiff of the fact that these people were playing the game and were going to underpace they overpaid someone like 400 of quid.
12:24Oh, that's good. That's good. That's the problem with these kind of Channel 4 shows, though, like the Come Diamond Me scoring for. Yeah, there's a way to cheat. Look at them. Look at them lads. Look at Ozzy and Bobsy. Mate, they're disgusting. They disgusted me. Never been so angry at an episode of Four in a Bed. Those underpayments were clearly a game playing tactic. It's blatant corruption. Ozzy and Bobsy, you are absolute clowns. I want justice. Fuming. Clown emoji. how long has it been up when he screenshot it two minutes yeah i took it down and i was like i'll screenshot it because like it's a good reminder but i think you should have kept that i think you should have kept that up that's embarrassing but were you scared ozzy and bobsy would message you yeah well yeah because on that on the four in a bed post i shared there there was loads of ozzy and bobsy's mates commenting like well deserved lads you were just being honest businessmen so they weren't being honest businessmen they were there to play game and actually that's done bad for your business because i would never stay there i mean you were going as well weren't you well i have planned a few trips to some my best four in a bed location have you actually well i'm yes you're gonna be going there as like a fan it's one in norwich but are you gonna go there and be like oh my god i've seen you on four in a bed no i will keep it low-key obviously but you're i'm gonna go stay at eggman's place in wales will you ask him for a photo will you be like probably what's the egg man we'll see what's he i've told you about Eggman.
13:51Have you? The greatest episode of all time apart from Simple Simons. Simple Simon was on four on a bed. Yeah. Did he win? Can't remember. Did Eggman win? No, he was brilliant. Was he? He was brilliant. Very eccentric Welsh guy. Wore a top hat and a waistcoat but like no other smart clothes. Just them two bits. And it was him and his daughter. He at every location was obsessed with eggs and tech. Okay. So he was like, I love my tech. I need more plug sockets. I need my speedy Wi-Fi. I test the Wi-Fi. But he'd also, at every breakfast, ask for every type of egg they do. So he'd get a poached, a scrambled, a fried.
14:32Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Just to be difficult and test all their eggs. Came to his day. He didn't fuck the eggs up. He tries to, because he loves tech as well, he gets this new egg poaching device and just fucks everyone's eggs. No. It's so good. it's so good mate what a shame I can't remember that but yeah come dine with me some bangers as well this lad walked out the other day on the 2026 new series but it's so good they need a way of stopping the cheating the tactical it's really annoying Aussie and Bobsy fuck you you know the way to do it I think you could save it is if you just went to a score system yeah like come dine with me does yeah 1 to 10 they should give you they should just give you 10 number cards and once you score one that you can't score the other one that so if you go to one you go it's decent I'll give it a 7 then you go to the next one and go that was even better you can't give it a 6 people do play the game though on come down with me and that has really wound me up this series I'm glad you got your feelings out there they'll be like this is perfect I couldn't fault it 8 what are you on about 8 really annoys me yeah isn't it going on these shows would be scary wouldn't it like hell the amount of hate you can get i know i know someone who took the minus offer on the chase no and he got hate online the hate he got online was insane he took like a minus 4 000 how do you know him uh he's married to one of arianne's best friends wow and yeah he went on there he's known you'd probably be able to find him so easily you can never take the minus offer that's a snakey move that.
16:16Didn't Dara say it recently that everyone just should? Well, take the lower offer. Or the higher offer, not the middle offer. Why never the middle? I can't remember now. Oh. Can't remember. My auntie went on Come Dime with me. How did she do? I can't remember. Oh. Can't remember. Years ago. I was like, you'd know. No, it was... I'd love to see it. It was 15 years ago. My mate, Phelan's dad, went on four in a bed. So starstruck. It's your dream, innit? Yeah. Would you go on it if they asked you? I don't have an Airbnb, but if I did... But is that not the dream for you? When you get older, Airbnb.
16:45Yeah. if four four in a bed it'd be a nightmare if i i would play so fairly as well you come across better if you don't win but you've scored fairly yeah that's all that matters how do they mess things up like there's a hair in the bed or whatever when they know like i can get it on a normal day when the cleaners might might have just missed something small but you know it's being filmed yeah these rooms are specifically being used for this tv show i don't know yeah i don't because a lot of the times there'll be like hair in the bath and they'll go i checked the bath when you think the TV show I don't know the people are going to yeah it could it could be yeah but cameras are everywhere surely they're gonna yeah but they won't be filming you 24 7 because I always say to Ali get a professional team cleaning team and just front the cost yeah and win the game because it's such a good fucking show look at us talking about it let's start a four in a bed pod I will be honest I'm bored of the chat right let's start doing something else the reason four in a bed is good compared to like come die with me come die with me you just win the money and it's done.
17:43You're not going to get people to come to your house. Four in a bed. It's promotion for your Airbnb. I feel bad for Rosie and Bobsy now. I shouldn't be hating on them guys. They're just trying to run a business. They're shit, they're shit. Yeah. I just think they cheated. Yeah. Their place was all right, I thought. Should we do the app? Yeah. We're all cool. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We can't sing it because we're not told them what we've been doing, have we? Well, Alfie has. Took my car in for an MOT. No, we're done, we're done, we're done. Past, no issues. Why are you competitive about MOTs?
18:10Not competitive. It's honestly the worst. It's actually squeaking loads at the moment. The brakes are squeaking loads. So loads of issues then. No, and I said to him, I was like... You go to the worst garage in Norwich. I went in and I said, can you just double check the brakes were all right? They're squeaking. And they went, they're absolutely fine. Also, we can't hear them squeak. I drove out, squeaked straight away. Yeah, great garage, mate. That'd be safe. Right. Do you remember Christmas? Yeah, eight months ago. Do you remember we did a little seggy called It's Christmas. But there's a catch.
18:39Whole episode. Was it? It was a whole episode. Was it? Yeah. Was it? Cool. Well, we're doing it again today and I've called this Life is Good. Life is Sweet, I called it in the end. Life is Sweet. It says Life is Good on your phone, I can see that. Yeah, but I think Life is Good. No, that says Life is Good. Yeah, you bet. Can I say I like Life is Good? Life is good, but there's a catch. So, I have for you today, I have nine different scenarios. Yeah. Good things that come with a catch and you have to agree to take four each. Okay. Right? Okay. So this goes back like as far as when Ren used to create ideas for us.
19:17Yes. Oh, yeah. Love Ren. What a guy. Really nice. He created the not so superpowers idea. Yeah, and we spun it off that. It's good. I like it. So at the end, if we don't have them, are we just having to take them? If you can't agree, then I will give it to the person who makes the worst case for not wanting it. Are you taking any? Well, I'll have one. Free, free, free. Okay. Yeah? Okay. Okay. Free, free, free. But does he, if we don't want it, he has to have it. Yeah. We just give it to Jack. Yeah, but then obviously if you don't want the first three and you give them all to me, then you don't know what's coming up.
19:50Okay. Right. It's just like fun, isn't it? And people at home can play along as well going, would I want that? Would I deal with that? Yeah, think about it. The way to do a long-form bit of content is to save one of the best ones to the end or hide it somewhere in the middle. I've got two good ones, and I'm going to start with a good one. Okay, so you can leave after this. No, no, no, because there's another good one. Another one more good one. Nine. Okay, you get completely free holidays for life anywhere in the world whenever you want them. But there's a catch. The time you go on holiday for is the time it takes you to travel there and back.
20:26Oh. It's good, isn't it? It's good, isn't it? You want to go... What's your number one on your buck list? Can you please say bucket list? Sorry. It sounded like you broke halfway through the sentence. Buck list? Just being short, yeah. Cheese and none. You were going on about that last week. Yeah, you were. Go on. Why have you randomly brought that up? Number one. That was a week ago we recorded that.
20:50I don't... Maybe I do... New Zealand would be cool, I think. Yeah. But the effort of getting there is the thing that puts me off. So this is hell. Can I just say? It's free holidays, mate. I can't do it because I hate flying. Yeah, you do. So I can't do this. Well, you could go to Australia for a day. I don't want to go to Australia for a day, do I? You could go for a week then. No, I'm not being in the plane for a week. Spend three and a half days going there, three and a half days going back. No, I can't do this. There'll be people out there that aren't bloody as lucky as you guys going, I would love this.
21:32I get free holidays whenever I want. They're not scared of flying. I'll make you do something you're scared of. Boat it then. Huh? Boat it. Ship it. Boat would actually be way better. Don't really like open water. Like if you somehow got to Australia in a week. You have to fly. Don't say that to him then. I was thinking I could get a cruise over. No, you have to fly. Is it economy? Nope. See, because economy's fine. for about a week stuck in that seat? What's happening there? You get up and move about for a bit. That would be hell. It would be hell. I think it would ruin my life doing a week on a plane.
22:08How does that work with life? If you're going away for a week, you've gone away for three weeks, really. No, because the time you're there is the time it takes you to travel there and back. Oh, and back. Okay, that's not as bad. So if you want to do two weeks in Australia, it will take you a week to get there and a week back. If you want to go for a month, a month to get... Two weeks to get there. A month or two weeks back. Okay. I actively can't. Please don't make me have this. How do you adjust to life with that? With like working and stuff? Well, it's up to you, mate. It's up to you to work that out.
22:37It's your schedule. Can we record podcasts on the plane? No. You could just do... I guess the best way to do it would be I want to go three days somewhere. Yeah. Are you factoring in that you won't be making money whilst you're away? That's what I was thinking. I was thinking about how do you... But you're not paying for the holiday. no you're not so you're saving money doing that but then you do yeah three days you're doing a nine-day holiday really can you still go on normal holiday or is this the only way you can go on holiday yeah this is the only way you can still go on normal holidays but you have to pay for it yeah so it's only when you want a free holiday yeah yeah oh i'd do that then because every now and then you just you just bite the bullet every now and then wouldn't you you'd go fuck it i can going to New Zealand would cost loads and you're doing a 24 hour flight regardless aren't you?
23:27So you're already biting the bullet doing that free holiday, New Zealand go for a week, three and a half days there three and a half days back, it's only an extra five days of flying compared to what it would have been anyway So you're going to take it? I'll take it, I will take it with the caveat that I can also pay to go to Spain in three hours flight Would you take that Jack? Yeah I think I think I would. I think you'd freak on a plane. No, because I'd just go to places. Being trapped on there. I'd go to places for a day. Yeah. And I'd just do six hours, have 12 hours somewhere, Spain for the day, six hours back.
24:03Yeah, but you could do that now when you don't. Like, you could just go, I'm going to go to America for a day. I'd hate it. Yeah. I would hate it. Yeah, I'd take it. Right. As you might see, that was my good idea. No, I like it. I really think that was good. I did like it. Thank you. Now, lower the expectations a bit yeah you can get unlimited food whenever you want perfectly cooked to your taste and completely free but there's a catch when you get rid of the poo yeah get rid of the poo what rid of the poo when you flush the toilet when you poo it out yeah it's the world's worst arse pain for five seconds then you're back normal but i'm talking excruciating pain no No.
24:47You can get any meal you want right there. The world's worst. Do you know how in pain that would be? That would be agony. For five seconds. So you'll scream your head off for five seconds, and then that'll be it. No, the trauma. When does that happen? Am I still in the restaurant? No, no, no. I'm just getting the food at home. No, no, no. You get the food wherever you want, and then however it'll take for your normal digestive system to push that through. You'd have to plan around it, though, wouldn't you? I couldn't enjoy my meal. No, because I think if I had the world's worst arse pain, I could lay on the floor, put my hands in my head and just take it for five seconds.
25:20But you're pooing, Jack. What do you mean lay on the floor? You know sometimes, you know when you catch where you are, right? I'm just having Stevie in my ear. Seriously, go. Seriously, go. But you're pooing, Jack. Jack's pooing. and I've just gone fucking hell. 33 on a Tuesday evening. But seriously, you can't just lay on the floor, can you? All right, well, I'll be in the toilet, no one hear me and I'll be like... You wouldn't be like... You'd be like... You'd pass out. What's the worst pain you've ever been in for anything? I volleyed a wall. And what did you do? How did you react to that? Oh, cried my eyes out for about four hours.
26:08Or when I fell down a hill topless in Nettles. So you're crying your eyes out for five seconds on the toilet. When five seconds ends, are you just suddenly instantly fine? Fine. No. You've got a wipe, but fine. Don't want it. The wipe's not pain. Are there any physical side effects? No, none. I don't want this. I just want to eat normally and just poo like I do. But in actual having to go and get in your meal, what's your favourite meal in the world? No jokes. Favourite meal in the world? What would the joke possibly be? My favourite meal in the whole world.
26:43that is incredible that's incredible jack what i've done because i'm thinking protein bar no fuck that porridge no what no i only have ever seen me porridge i never have protein shake pasta bake pasta bake i love pasta bake yeah what's in it describe the best describe the best yeah but meat it's not pasta bake i just really fancy a pasta bake i don't know what food would you say you have more than anything else because you're like every time you have it like that was good steak roast roast dinner there you go perfect roast dinner cook all the trimmings whenever you want no slavery bang there what do you mean no slavery like you don't have to slave over the oven he makes it he's not randomly yeah but ali's made it for me anyway yeah but now she gets the night off for once she enjoys making it you tell yourself that the look on my face when i take a bite and i go that's delicious but ozzy and bobby are cunts yeah they are i wouldn't want it no i wouldn't i think the way you've described it the worst pain ever that's like getting shot in the ass if it was like yeah if it was like a level of like let's actually deep right now so think of the most arse pain you can humanly be in like what that would be yeah right now so what would it be it would be like just stabbing hot a burning electric like lightsaber thing being shoved up your arse yeah right that is not worth a pasta bake alfie's got a point i'm not taking it is it worth a roast no it's not right imagine that pain now and i'm going to give you five seconds right so yeah on the count of five i'm shoving that up your ass right three two one now
28:35i'm dead stop i've died i've died you haven't died my heart i've had a heart attack no but to be fair if you take this one you could do it once and you can judge just how bad it was and then you could just never do it again i'd just be put off my favorite food i would be ending up eating things I don't want. No, I'm not doing this. All right, it's mine then. You've given it to eat by default. Would you want it? Not really. No, it's horrible. Right, but I've got to try and convince you because I don't also want them. Okay, your partner gets a magic biscuit. The magic biscuit gives a plus 70 years of pure perfect health guaranteed.
29:19Okay. Right? so all our partners are between 25 30 yeah so that that'll get you up to the ton right what a life yeah but there's a catch at some point within the next 10 days 10 random people in the world who you don't know will die 10 really painful deaths that they were never going to die from in the first place. Fucking hell. That's brutal. It's brutal, but let's be honest, right? You know, you've seen the comments. Lefty little snowflakes, they call us. Do they? They call me that. Yeah, but they're scared that we don't say what we think. But we're on a big podcast. Yeah, but they say that we don't really give our...
30:04I don't say what I think. How about that? Shove that up your ass. I don't ever say what I think. Because otherwise, I won't work again. Not that what I think... is bad. Wow. Do you know what I mean? I'm not going to say everything I think. He couldn't even tell us what his favourite food is. We had to just say pasta baked. Yeah. Well, do you know what? It's a curry and I didn't want to fucking give you the satisfaction. There's no satisfaction. You're allowed to enjoy a curry. I love a chicken tikka masala. I love a tikka masala. That's fine. I love a curry. And you're not even... What? Into spice that, man.
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30:37Yeah. No, I'm not. Saved you. That's why a tikka masala. Well, I actually... Would I do this? 10 random people guaranteed random never completely and utterly random so that way like it's never going to be someone in your family is it too many billions 10 and 8 billion you've got more chance to win the euro lottery I um I uh I don't know about this 10 people yeah but let's face it because that's someone else's love yeah you'd never know about it though I would would you yeah it's going to make my life infinitely better imagine doing that though I'll never hear about it will I nah but do that and then get dumped you've murdered 10 people that will be annoying and also Fee's got 25 added but what if they're just 25 without you she's got 70 added she's got 70 yeah we said they'll get to 100 years old 70 years she's guaranteed to live to 100 perfectly healthy and happy but you're going to die whenever you die not to that you feel unhappy because you do have health anxiety.
31:44You don't. But, you know, I mean, I'd be surprised if you didn't know you were going to die one day. Yeah, I'm still allowed to think about it. But then... Would... Then Ali's living ages without me. Because the likelihood is we're both getting to, like, a good age. Then I'm going to pop my clogs and she's going to get another 75 years. What's she doing? I should probably meet someone else. Hey. Is he better looking than me? Yeah. Yeah, he's Moroccan. He's Moroccan? Yeah, he bleeds red and green. I'm trying to think who that could be. I don't know any Moroccans. No. You ponder that. Who wants this one then?
32:30No, you have it. I'm on the line of whether you would. I don't... If... I feel like if Ali found out I'd done that, should be a bit like, what the fuck? What, perfect health until she's under? That'd be perfect. No, but like, every time you see someone die on the news, you'd be like, was that me? Yeah, but you probably wouldn't even find out. No, you would, because what was the way they died? It wasn't just they died, was it? Ten really painful deaths. That happens all the time. Yeah, but... It'd probably be a TikTok or something. But you'd think, was that me? Or like, you'd see the fallout from it, and then you'd go, God, I've caused that.
33:02Or, what about this then? If you get the ten random painful deaths, but you get a text message just telling you who it was and how they died and their backstory. That's so much worse. That's infinitely worse. You've made that so much worse. All right. You don't want to know, do you? Exactly. So I'm convincing you this isn't part of the question, so you don't get to know. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want it. I don't think I... I know I want the benefit, but I don't want to live with killing 10 people in that way. I'm on the line. I'd love to be able to give that part, but I'd... She'd probably be, what the fuck have you done?
33:41What? Why? Because you're murdering 10 people. I know you're not physically doing it yourself. You're not murdering 10 people. You are. You are. There was a button here now and it said the next 10 people on the planet who's just due to die natural causes anyway. You said they're not going to. If you press that button... Yeah, a different question. If you press that button, they survive. Are you pressing it? Yeah. What? Surely you don't... Why don't you just offer us to save 10 people? I don't understand that question remotely. Don't mess with the universe like that. The butterfly effect. Okay, I don't want it.
34:11Jack, you can have it. I'll have it. Thank you. I wanted that one. Fee, you're golden until 20... I think Fee would go, you fucking maniac. She wants it. Would you, Fee? No, because Jack's going to die in his 40s and I'll be alone. Fucking hell. Hell, thank God. Seven years. Hell, thank God. Fucking hell. She said he's going to die in his 40s and she'll be alone for ages. 40s, Jack. Jack's 33 now. Next one. You are seen as insanely attractive by everybody. Your partner thinks you're the most gorgeous man in the world. All strangers think you're super handsome. You're adored by pretty much everyone.
34:46You win awards for being the UK's sexiest man. But there's a catch. You're actually fucking repulsive. Massively overweight, spotty, greasy. But only you see yourself like that. Oh, that's cool. Oh, like shallow hell. Yeah. But the opposite. You see yourself as this blob. Is it starting from now? yeah yeah yeah yeah so so but let me this is a magic scenario so i will say that even though you're like huge and spotty you but you're you're not actually are you no you see yourself like that you can still move and operate like you can now see i kind of live like that anyway so it's not too bad this is about it when i am thinks you're super handsome but wouldn't ali go wouldn't ali go why are you suddenly six four well you can be super handsome No, no, no.
35:35No, no, no. So maybe the way this works is that they see you how you look now, but how you look now is everyone's idea of perfection. Right, okay. Or you look like Fat Bastard in Austin Powers. Okay. But that's all you. You're the only one who sees that. Yeah. You look in the mirror and you see that. What I'm asking myself right now is what benefit you'd get. You'd have a lot of career benefits. Oh, you'd be famous. He's the sexiest man in the world. You'd have a lot of career benefits. You'd have, I'm trying to think of the benefits outside of. You get a lot of bitches. You'd need a strong mental though.
36:19What do you mean? I'd be married, wouldn't I? Yeah, but you get a lot of attention. But that isn't what, getting a lot. so you would cheat on Fi no it's not me this is on you but you would also be no I'm not I'm not getting it not if we don't take it no yeah I'm not taking it no no no no I'd just lap up the attention how oh thank you girls oh no is that how you thank you you can make me blush and they go you're even sexy when you've got a bit of red in you oh they're nice yeah they're nice people yeah I think you'd really need strong men I think you could strong mental you're basically an actor I really think you could do anything career wise with this I wouldn't even be that arsed about seeing myself looking bad either wouldn't you though I'd just be trusting I'd just be trusting that yeah but that's body dysmorphia isn't it you can't just trust people will tell you I know because I'm fucking I'm I'm a Hollywood star I'm James Bond but you look like a fat bastard only in tears I don't care.
37:27You taking it? Yeah. Do you want it? I think you could have the dream. Life. Not even life, but like, I'm thinking career-wise here. Yeah. I could make us millions. Has Alfie taken any yet? No, but don't worry about that, Stevie. Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. Don't play the analytic game. Then we can put an argument together. Yeah. I would take it, but only because I already hate looking at myself. So I wouldn't change much. Pulling at the heartstrings. so that's why he shouldn't get it. He puts no effort in and he's going to get it. You're having it, Alfie. You can have it, Alfie.
38:00You need it. You're having it. Yeah, I do need it. Yeah, you can be 6 '4". Thank you. I would love to be 6 '4". You get a permanent driver for life whose sole ambition and goal in life is to drive you absolutely anywhere you need to be at any point at the drop of a hat. You never have to worry about driving again. Whenever you need him, they're there. And he's paid for life as well. So it's not great. Couldn't be a female driver. No, it's a guy because you'll have to hear Paul. Why would you do that? What? Why would I want Paul? Why would you choose that name? You could have chosen any name. You could have chosen any name.
38:38It just came to me. It just came to me. Why? What? It just came to me. Just like it came on him. Right. Oh, Jesus. Cut that. he's not going to cut it is he go on he's paid for life so you don't even have to stress he loves doing this job but there's a catch whenever he drives you places he will just insist on telling you his really offensive racist homophobic opinions I don't give a shit I don't give a shit he's driving me everywhere Say what the hell you want, boy. Do you want a raise? What if it's like a six-hour drive? You just want a nap in the back. You can't. I'll tell you now, in America, I did have someone that was saying some mad shit, a taxi driver, and it was a bit annoying.
39:37Yeah. Imagine that for a long drive. You'll have him. Oh, mate, I wouldn't give a crap. I'd take this. Would you? Yeah. I swear to you, eventually, something would happen in the news, and I'd go, what is this mad twat going to say today? Let's go Wales. You'd enjoy it. You'd start using it. I'd be egging him on. I'm not going to lie, I would be egging him on. Well, you'd be looking forward to it? Yeah.
40:04Is that all right? Yeah, it's fine, mate. I wouldn't be agreeing with him, but, you know. What about if you had a friend of a different race or colour? Or me? Yeah, true. or you had some gay mates and you got them in the car and he started going you'd have to pre-warn everyone I'd go guys I'm gonna say now you are not gonna like my driver and I'd go why are you using him then yeah hire someone else yeah explain to me why you're using him because he drives he is always available you can get another one surely I can't afford it but he's doing it I don't pay him obviously a slave no I basically had this hypothetical situation and I agreed with it.
40:51But just wherever you want to go and you actually, because of this experience, you can have him as well. He doesn't want to drive for them. He refuses. He'll only drive for you. Okay. Do you want to get in? No. And why would you take that coffee? Do you have Uber? I'm still getting in. Well, yeah, I'm not paying. Do you want this, Stevie? I think it would be, like what happens when, like a long drive, if you're sat in the back you might just want a little nap and he's just going to that the whole time he doesn't do it consistently but he will do it without any care or concern for what you're up to in the back so you could be asleep or he might not fancy talking about it at one time it could be unbearable I mean I think the payoff is I get to go wherever I want forever for free yeah but it's only a car like it's still long long journeys to go to these places Your grandad gives you lifts, doesn't he?
41:49Yep. How bad is it? Short journeys, though. That was my inspo for this. Alfie can have it. Do you want it? Alfie can have it. Yeah. You can have it. You got it. He's going to hate me. No, you're the most handsome person in the world, mate. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Fat bastard. So he sees me as white. Would he see me as white? No, he'll be doing it for you, but he will just make me... Would he ask me where I'm originally from? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And you've got to say Hubswitch. This is U.S. Bank's Cozy Cash Formations with your chief financial playmaker, Fernando Mendoza. You are worthy of financial security.
42:27Budgeting is not restriction. It's freedom. You are smart. You are capable. You are giving your money a purpose. You are learning the language of saving, of growing, now streaming. Member FDIC, Copyright 2026, U.S. Bank.
43:15You boys both go on holiday and whilst you're there, you meet the manager of your respective chosen football clubs. Gary O 'Neill for you, Alfie. Hi. And Michael Carrick for you, Stevie. Two monsters of the footballing scene. And they both witness you doing keepy-ups by the pool one morning, right? They decide to offer you a little trial for Manchester United and for Ipswich. We know what the inspo is for this one. You get to play a whole season for your team in the Premier League on Premier League wage, and you actually have a half-decent season, and the fans don't mind you. You score seven goals and get nine assists from midfield.
43:52You're a success. But there's a catch! You snap your leg in the second-to-last game and have to retire from football. Two years recovery. You snap your leg bad. ACL. that's really good for me because i'm so squeamish about that and i was weirdly thinking today i'd love to try playing football seriously again but i'd be too worried about that happening really stops that train of thought is it not worth it though because you get a year on premier league wage and you become a bit of a cult hero within it switch it is worth it i think it is worth it it is worth it but i'd be so nervous dreading it all year and you also said two year recovery that's a huge recovery how how are you after those two years obviously never going to go back you can never play you can't play football again really can you play can i go play five as i'd make yeah you can you can you run the risk you know what again i'm doing it and i'm just investing the money for me and my family for the rest of our lives you're doing it yeah for a snap leg i would be so i would have a breakdown like you're complaining about your risk after about four weeks.
45:03Well, that's what I'm thinking. I'm not doing the injection. I'm not wanting my injection. But if somebody offered you four million. Oh, yeah, I'd do it. Yeah, of course I would. Two years recovery, though. And to be a legend with an Ipswich Dam. I think I would... I think I'm doing it, but I'd be scared, yeah. What level of cult here are we talking? Give us an example of a player. Dean Ashton at West Ham. Oh, mate. You'd get punditry work for days, bro. You could, yeah. They'd go, that's that guy who played one season and did all right. it's just the injury isn't it it's just how it's just the physical pain bad yeah it's leg Roy Keane's playing again for some reason right and leg on the middle of your shin the front of your shin and just snaps right I'm alright actually that is horrific I'm alright would it make it better if it happens so you play the first season to completion but then you have to play the second season and you don't know what game is coming in well you don't want to know do you how about this then I'd be underperforming in training, so...
46:03How about this even better? You somehow take this deal, but you don't know that the caveat is the broken leg, so you just think you're playing for Ipswich now. So you never know it's coming. But you kind of do. It's a hard one to ask. You have to know the context to be able to answer the question, but I'm saying, is it better if... Mentally, you can block it out. Would you take this deal if a genie told you all about it and said, what's going to happen after you accept it is I'm going to wipe your memory, so you take it? Yeah, but then that will still... happen no i just i'd say yeah okay and then i'll just let future alphie be in agony and upset and and you know i think i'd be the same painful ass for five seconds no but that i would take a painful ass i would maybe take some small objects being shoved up my ass nobody's asked you to alphie no one has asked that's not the most pain in my ass no one sent you down that road no but we can we clip that put that on twitter that'll go well on twitter no context that's so good I'd take it I would take it I don't know why I said that it's bizarre Robbie knocks over it I'd take it not in the same way Alfie would take it but I'd take it so you won it and you won it who wants it more he's already handsome i don't i don't want more he's like handsome and stuff he doesn't need this i uh i think you can have it thank you stevie's got it awkward when i have to i love i love playing football in the week so i'd lose that is it annoying when i have to play play away in like the champions league and it takes me just as long to travel there as it does to get back mid-season.
47:49No, all these are separate. This has worked out quite well. We've got three left. We're six down. Stevie's got two. Alfie's got two. And I have two. So each of us have to take one of these last ones. And to keep it fresh, A, B, or C? Let's go C. You become the only person on the planet to discover the perfect pill. It gives you everything you need for a healthy body, a healthy mind. You're super fit. You've got all the vitamins and all the proteins. you're mentally stable and you work well. Okay. But you have to take it. Say there's a catch. Oh, yeah. Come on, don't mind. There's a catch. At some point, you have to take it every day, right?
48:31Okay. Take it every day. You get unlimited pills. You ain't got to go anywhere to get them. They just turn up at your door. However, at some point between now and when you're going to naturally die. so let me describe this to you because i can't quite look at what i'm trying to say that's all right so so let's say that everybody has their death date right yeah so this so this so you've got your it's okay come on it's okay you can do it take your time you've got that amount of days left yeah yeah and you are always going to have that many days left but this pill you will choke on and it will kill you yeah and imagine all of those days left on a roulette wheel it spins and it lands on one gives you a new day do you see what i'm saying so you might get so the day you die will be randomly spun on a wheel yeah and what's on that wheel all of the days left over how many years however many you were going to get so let's say you're going to die when you're 90 right that's locked in going to happen you can take this perfect pill and it will just make you feel amazing and feel great forever right up until you're 90 even when you're 90 your knees don't hurt you run you're everything but you have to spin the wheel by taking the pill and it will give you a random day no fucking yeah the way if you're joking i don't know why why would you want that you got say we'll say we've got until 90 so what 50 55 57 years yeah if i spin a wheel there's a half chance I'm only going to make it to like 60, 50.
50:11There's a 50 % chance I'm halving my life. You could land in your 80s. Take the odds then. I'm not taking them odds. My day is my day, right? And I like my life and I don't want to be living thinking I've fucked that up. My day could be next week. My day could be when I'm 95. That's my day. You don't want to be the reason. I don't want to I want to have that day and be like alright this is my day the chances are too high to bring it forward well it's always going to come forward no matter what you land on if the wheel was maybe like sometime between 70 and 90 I'd be more intrigued but there's a chance I spin that wheel and I die in a week and I've got one week of good pill let me ask more about this pill I think the pill would have to be so amazing for me to even consider this what are you saying?
51:00it's giving you absolutely everything you could ever need Yeah, but what I'm saying is, but like, you can achieve these things in life, can you not? None of us have. Well, you should go to the gym, though. So, yeah, so that's what I'm saying. The pill makes you as healthy as you need to be. Would I ever need to eat again? No, it's the pill. But can we still eat for enjoyment? Yeah, you can. Do what you want. You'll still be healthy. You can eat pizzas every day, but you'll still be healthy because you've got the perfect pill. It's a good pill. No, I like my life. That's messing with it. Fuck, no.
51:29Can we do a wheel to test it? yep let's put a wheel of 1 to 55 on I like this I like this 55? well we're still 57 years for me you've got 6 that's a day no so it'll be like 1 in 10 yeah no I know but we can't put that many on a wheel no we can we can we can we can because we can do random number generators so this might be boring for the listeners but this is going to be exciting for me so fuck the listeners right so 365 right is the amount of days in a year right how old are you? 33 so times by 57 times times by 57 is 20 ,800, right? Okay. That's how many days you've got left in your life, right?
52:07If I die at 90. Random number generator. Max 20 ,805 was the actual one. Okay, so if I was to take this... This is how many days you would live. I take the pill. Yeah. I spin the random wheel. Yeah. 16 ,436. Not bad. That's not what. That's 16 ,436 divided by 365. You get another 45 years. 78. 45 years. Wow. That was weird. Alfie, would you like to do this? Yeah. Taking the pill. Okay, 78. I've taken it. That's not bad. Sugar pill. Okay, Alfie, good luck. Thank you. You have... Why does it stop so quick? You've got about three years, mate. You've got three years, mate. And what was the number?
52:571 ,179 See that's what I mean I knew that was going to happen I'm dead now Brilliant You're not dead yet You don't get another World Cup in though How old are you now? 29 You die before You could even reach our age now Yeah Fuck So who's taking that? I guess you'll take it I take it Is that my number? Take it I'll take it I'll take it and I live till 78 Or do you want to give it to me? No I'll take it Okay Should we just see what I would have got? Yeah Yeah yeah we've got to 10 years 10 years I've done alright there haven't I 78 you're doing the pod on your own though yeah no how long have you got left 10 years no that's gone by then what 3 years 10 years do you reckon the pod's got 10 years in a tank no way that's what I'm saying well if you had to put a number on it now I always think about stuff like this well we did the funniest episode we've done the funniest episode we've ever done in 700 that's downhill yeah that's true yeah but no we hit that after 8 years maybe in another eight years we'll smash another good episode out sure do you know what a good episode would be planning our lives when all this ends yeah that would be good yeah two more what like dream retirement no just like or dream planning what we do when this goes the pod is over here's what we're doing next boots aren't I I've got no discernible skills what's the next one man Woo!
54:26Alfie's all handsome and stuff from his thing, isn't he? You can, this is my other really good one. Okay. Right. You can freeze your age and 10 other people around you. Oh! You can choose who that is. That's so good. And you can freeze it for 20 years. You can get all 10 of your mates and family, freeze it 20 years, right? Wow. You can choose the 10 people. But there's a catch. One of their ages, at random, will go forward for 20 years. It's random who it is. Do you take it? Because I actually do think, without that catch, obviously, being able to freeze the ages of all your family, all your loved ones, I think I could pick 10.
55:12Wouldn't be, it would be the best thing ever, I think. Yeah. Do you think it would be the best thing ever? I can't take this, so I can only speak about it. But I think it's one random person, isn't it? That's the only issue. I've got a good tactic here. You can't choose which person. Me, Ali, eight pedos.
55:32Well, so you want to keep those pedos that age for another year? No, but I'm banking on. Do you know eight pedos? Oh, wait, no, no, no, no, no. It's the other way around, isn't it? No, because it could land on Ali, she becomes 45 or whatever. and then I've frozen the age of eight pedophiles. I thought it was that eight got done. No. No. The right tactic would be pick people of a reasonable age. What about five pedos? Why any pedos? Leave the pedos. Leave the pedos. No, but I'm trying to get it so that it lands on someone that you want to age. The best way to do it would be to pick nine people in your family, one pedo, and just hope that the one in ten is the pedo.
56:12It's not going to happen, is it? No, it's not. Now Nan's dead and there's a pedo. Let's do the random wheel. Living forever. One to ten. What number is the pedo? Well, how many pedos are you putting in? Let me put in... Are you doing five and five, or...? Yeah, let me go five pedos. Okay, so we've got the random wheel, five pedos, five family members. Why this? Right. Five family members. Should we just go... Should we go Alfie, Ali, mum, dad, sister? Yeah. Sister, and then pedo. I love this part. Pedo. Pedo. Pedo. Me though. Pedo, right. Okay, is that five of each? Yeah, we're going to do a 10 second spin.
56:52So we spin this wheel. Whoever it lands on is going 20 years older. You've got a 50-50 chance really, haven't you? Who is it? Oh my God. Oh my God. Who is it? Alfie, your wheels are mental. It's you. Me? No. And now you've just kept five pedos their exact date doing what they're doing for another 20 years. You've always said you want to be like 49. But I'm 49. Ali's in her mid-twenties and now there's fucking five immortal you've become a pedo there's five immortal pedos what have I done why has your brain gone I'm going to pick pick young people five babies that's the best option because if they go 20 years they're just like they'll be 21 oh my god that's so much better yeah me four loved ones five babies and five babies yeah or yeah Yeah, and then you're banking on a 50-50.
57:46Yeah, I'd do that. Because then the baby is like... You get their P-dos. Obviously, it's sad that they'll miss their childhood, but it's not like if you picked your nan or someone and they'd die. They won't care. They won't know, will they? Right. When they go 20 years forward, do they then stay that age for 20 years like everyone else does in it? No. Do you know what? I wouldn't put my mum and dad in just in case. Yeah. I think I'd pick 30s or below. Right. You'd be fuming if I made you 50, though, wouldn't you? Yeah, I'd be fucking gutted. If it was like 10 years, I think 10 years you wouldn't be that pissed off.
58:2420 years you're pissed off. You know what I mean? Yeah. But if I do like a 25-year-old to 45, I'm going, I did, I had to take those odds. Yeah. And they're going, yeah, I'm 45, that's all right. Well, you just got made 49, you're fuming. Do you want this or not? No. Was you two fighting over it? Well, if he doesn't want it, I have to take it. I don't deserve this power. I've just made a load of pedos and mortals. Yeah, I don't know why you'd take it after the wheel just done you like that. You've said some weird things in this episode. Do you want me... Can I do my wheel? Because he's given it to me.
58:57Yeah, okay, what are you putting in your wheel? Right, so this is who I'm going to pick for my wheel, right? I'm going to go Jack, Fee, Dad, Nan, Grandad... You're putting them in? Sister. You're putting Nan and Grandad in? That risks high, isn't it? Yeah, but I'm just... I think there's a one in five chance that I get to... it's a one in five chance I'm killing them off one in ten isn't it one in five because I don't want either of them dead do I oh both of them sorry so one in five chance I'm glad you elaborated one of them one in five chance that I'm killing them off but a four in five chance that I'm guaranteeing them for the next 20 years yeah so and you think that's worth the payoff yeah so I'm going to go so I'm going to go those six then I'm going to go you because I want to do the pod and then I'm going to do Alfie thank you and then I'm going to do What have you got?
59:46Two left. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Who have you done? I'll just do Robbie and then I'll do a random baby. You've done Fee, haven't you? Yeah, yeah, thank you. Okay, so the foreskins, your family and a random baby. I did debate Fee's mum and dad, but no, we're going to go for this. Yeah, how much would Chibi fume in if it landed on you? Yeah, I know, I can't take the risk. And this has landed on.
1:00:13It's me, isn't it? My grandad's dead. These wheels have not done you guys well at all. I'm 78. You guys are dead. My favourite person. You've killed your grandad. You've killed your grandad. Yeah, and I've got to take that shit. Okay. Okay, well, there we go. But there's a cat, your grandad's dead. At least that baby's staying a baby for fucking years. You're having to look after that now. Oh, right, okay. You become the first person in the world to meet an actual genie. He grants you ten wishes. But there's a catch. Every time you wish for something, there's a one in a hundred chance your mum will die.
1:01:06I hope he's got it. Is that mine? Yeah. Can I wish my mum never dies no matter the... No. No. Imagine she died on that wish. If you had a genie, what wishes would you want to grant? Ten wishes. You can just throw it some at us. What do you want? Your hand to be able to let you play FIFA again? No. Does it stay at one in 100 every spin? It doesn't knock one off, so it's just ten individual, one in 100. I'd just say, you've got to cover your no more war. Who cares? given the option people who are getting bombed good point it's not us though is it uh tens a lot as well i think it would be your world peace yeah i think it would be does world peace cover right like racism's over i don't know yeah i guess it would world peace i think is like number one yeah then i'd sort out like i don't know what i've got nine got to do nine now yeah you ain't got to do them all now let's do i do stuff like yeah i do all that shit unlimited money i'd probably do some sort of everyone's everyone's got money i i think if everyone had like enough money the economy would no one would work with that no but i just wish it wouldn't yeah yeah there we go so everyone's got money but the economy also doesn't collapse yeah you live in the like fairytale world but fair yeah yeah i'd just do all that shite okay so alfie give us a random number between one and 100 just say a random number 62 so 62 is your mum dying i'm gonna spin this 10 times because you've got to accept this one so you get the 10 wishes you're gonna live an amazing life now but if it's 62 your mum's dead you should be fine here world peace 46.
1:03:04Sorry, listeners. We just like a little bit of a gamble on this pod. So 46. 87. 45. 26. Oh, my. I'd shit myself when that came out. Is that five? 40. You're halfway through. I'm actually fine here. Yeah. Six. Just wish mum got a nice new house and car. 59. That's close. Eight. Eight on the ape spin. Two more. This is so good. 84. 37 you're fine you're fine you've had the best one you've had a touch you've done all right there you have had a touch the world's all right now so with that we have locked in our fates so alfie you are seen as insanely attractive by everybody but when you look in the mirror you see yourself as an overweight spotty greasy slug wouldn't look you get a permanent driver for life he'll take you wherever you want to go but unfortunately he is a racist homophobic bastard and arguably the best one of the day.
1:04:02You become the first person in the world to meet an actual genie who grants you 10 wishes. You have a perfect life and your mum does not die when you make those wishes. Stevie, you get completely free holidays anywhere you go, but obviously it takes you just as long to get to that place and back. Shocking that. Yeah, it's a bit of a stinker. You also get to play for Man United for a season and a bit. Not bad. Snap leg at the end. Until you snap your leg into parts. you also become the first person on the planet to discover the perfect pill you have a healthy body and mind but at some point you're going to choke on that tablet but we did find out that you won't choke for a good 78 i'll be 78 yeah 78 might not last that long anyway so nice i get unlimited food whenever i want but when i pull it out the next day i get a big stabby shooty pain up my arm which is the worst pain in the world uh if you only get 70 years of free perfect health but 10 random people in the world will die the most.
1:04:58He didn't take that one because we didn't want it. He wanted it. That's maybe the one that proves you are all about me. Yep, all about me. So 10 random people will die and I have frozen the ages of everyone around me. That's a good one. But I've killed my grandad. Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. Forgot about that. There we go. That's called Life is Good but there's a catch. See you next week. good that's a good one
1:05:33Jack Mates happy hour and we're back streaming on Peacock may I present to you the award winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller slap me let's jar something loose ay yes I like that the certified fresh series returns your boss you always like this or is this just an oh no this is Ned oysters everybody There is a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to live.
From the publisher
Unlimited food. The perfect body. Free holidays anywhere in the world. A permanent chauffeur. Ten wishes from a genie. A dream football career. Sounds pretty decent right? Well… there’s a catch.
In this episode, Jaack is offering a series of life changing “too good to be true” deals for us to fight over, but then reveals a catch for each scenario that makes us question whether we’d actually take them.
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